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lilisgardensblog · 8 months

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Stream theory! time:

I am here to write my thoughts about the Neuvillette part of the stream/trailer, feel free to share yours too!

"The Melusines can't be trusted! That goes for Neuvillette too!"

So, first I have to say I'm heartbroken to hear that the Melusines and Neuvillette can't be trusted, but idc idc i trust them no matter what. And the Melusines saying: "I'm confident that we'll find the meaning of our existence one day" truly broke my heart.

To keep going with the Neuvillette angst we have The Chief of Justice himself saying: "I find it difficult to express my emotions, because I cannot fully understand myself" The struggle to deal with accusations from your own people that they don't trust you while being unable to show them how you really feel... and to add to that whatever rumours saying that u were born from calamity?? I'm so confused and sooo hyped to get the full lore.

'is this what justice means to u? answer me neuvillette!'

First, let me point out THE VOICE ACTING FOR THIS LINE IS CHEF KISS. It sends shivers down my spine every time I hear it. And every time I hear it I'm thinking, what verdict did Neuvillette come to for Wrio to deliver such a powerful line? Maybe it's about Lyney and Lynette? Because we hear Freminet asking Wrio about his siblings and I'm thinking that maybe Wrio goes and demands an explanation from Neuvillette?

"You will see much in the human world, from the delightful to the depressing and one day, when you have dwelt among humanity long enough, you will be placed to bring judgement over all, as the spokesperson for Fontaine's past"

Can't move on from this line without pointing out the informal addressing here. No Monsieur or anything. Straight up Neuvillette. I'm curious to see how close the characters are and why does Wrio sounds so hurt/betrayed.

edit: a lot of people told me the voice line is from an npc but im too tired to delete everything👍

THIS??? raised so many questions in my head it's crazy. it's unnecessary. The hold this last line has on me is absurd. I think it's directly addressed to Neuvillette and I'm curious why is he the one bringing judgement over all? why is he the one shown all alone in a grey and dull Fontaine?why not Furina? What does "spokesperson for Fontaine's past" suppose to mean??Like we already speculated about him being the Hydro Dragon, but this is *sniff* i smell GREAT storyline.

Genshin is about to drop heeeeavy lore and I'm here for it.

"its unnecessary to hold me in such high regard"

Last line in the trailer. Neuvillette said this right after being shown as one of the most powerful people in the whole nation really. He is either really modest or just tries to hide the fact that he's the most powerful in the nation. Or both. Honestly I'm not even sure of what to say about this, I just had to add it here because Neuvillette said it and I'm in whoo for him.

Him🤝Zhongli , fancy talking and acting like they don't have supreme power.

Last thought: this trailer was so powerful and sad over all. I'm expecting the archon quest to be an emotional rollercoaster with one or two emotional punches. I just know Neuvillette story will make me sob. Just look at him.

p.s. : I saw someone pointing out that the creators said that Neuvillette made a law so that the Melusines to be addressed as she/her and that fills my heart with joy. Neuvillette is shown to be oh so powerful and 'born from calamity' or whatever and yet he's one of the sweetest and kindest characters. 🫶🏼

Conclusion: i love neuvillette and idc about false accusations 😊🫶🏼

#genshin impact #genshin imagines #genshin headcanons #neuvillette genshin #neuvillette #genshin #genshin fanfic #genshin theory #genshin impact neuvillette #neuvilette x reader #genshin wriothesley #wriothesley #genshin freminet #genshin lyney #genshin lynette #genshin melusine #genshin impact scenarios #genshin fluff #genshin angst

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liauditore · 7 months

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Thought I might say hello and make some small talk, seeing that I'm camping on your trafficshipping tag and all.

Well hi! Lovely place you've got here. Fantastic art, GREAT vibes, very nice. I'm specially enjoying your character rambling; your takes on them are super interesting and they tickle my brain 👀

May I send Divorce Fource/Quartet and Majorwood for the shipping bingo? Divorce Fource were a right mess (affectionate <3) and a perfect one at that, but I can't help but wonder how the recipe would have turned out if the soul ties were Cleo-Pearl, Martyn-Scott.

Also there is so much potential in Limlife Majorwood for eroguro if you're nasty. Which I am. Time cannibalism, respawning mechanics, birthday time... blender go brrrr 👀

!!!!!!!

y'all are really enabling my habit of long ass posts huh 😭😭

OK SO first off thankyou so much?? thats so sweet?????? 😭😭 i really don't think my character ramblings are anything special, but i like reading other ppls insane takes so i thought i'd provide others with the same 👍

not to get too into it but i feel like a series like life smp is best enjoyed with your own crazy delulu takes (similar to touhou if anyone heres familiar w/ that fandom). and it makes me kinda sad to see ppl arguing abt whats 'canon' or 'correct' cus that's no fun lol

ANYWAY yeah uh im glad u like the vibes!! :J

TREEBARK

this one first cus chronology. I honestly don't know if there's anything I can say here that hasn't been said before? But yeah they're. tasty. something about martyn waiting the entirety of third life to betray ren and never getting the chance and now longing to have him back. lots of regret but regret. for what. yknow. and ren always looking out for martyn even from a distance. and then martyn losing that connection in limlife.

yeah i can see why people ship lmao

uhh i don't really know what else to write here so have some of my insane ramblings copy+pasted from my shipping doc 👍

Martyn fancies himself a schemer, someone who's not afraid to play the game the way it's intended. If that means earning a powerful ally's trust only to shatter it then he was going to do it. Only, Martyn's bark is worse than his bite, and every night he spends in lying awake in those soft, warm sheets that Ren had laid out just for him (freshly washed too, he might add. Smelled like sunshine) he wonders if he can do it. He can, of course. (he can't. he won't. he's too soft. soft and useless.) He'd cut his head off already. (he wants to vomit) (this is why no one needs you. wants you. loves you) Who cares about other people anyway? He is the only one who really matters. (the thought of being alone makes him want to cry) Ren, on the other hand, is a capable leader. The definition of loyal and dependable, if not a bit dramatic. He struggles with self-worth, being good enough, useful enough, powerful enough. But to others, he's the opposite, caring and protective of any who would ask for his aid. After all, every citizen deserves to live in safety and comfort, and providing that is what a good King would do. ~ Martyn's not as sneaky as he thinks he is. Ren knows. Ren sees the signs. It's a death game for a reason. But he doesn't let Martyn know. He doesn't even hold it against him. He doesn't see the bloodthirst anymore, only the broken pieces lying underneath. ~ or the King's Hand, it was the thrill of feeling Useful, Powerful, Feared (loved). He was going to miss it after he betrayed him, the high of bloodlust, the smell in the air as he charged into battle. (the way his hands held him so gently) For the King himself, deep down he knew it was never to be. He had met a monster, but he hoped his efforts calmed the storm ever so slightly. On some days, he pretends to forget about the death game entirely and imagines the speech he'd give to retire his Hand. "You don't have to fight anymore," he'd say, "I'll take care of you from now on, I promise. So put the sword down, okay?" But in the end, it was all a fantasy, wasn't it?

^ yes this is so cheesy but so are they.

Cry with me again Smile with me again Scream with me again Sing with me again Dance with me again Talk to me again…

"Lower One's Eyes" (Oktavia translyrics)

MAJORWOOD

I think.. I talk too much abt scott seeing as that's who everyone points out when it comes to my headcanons 😭😭 but uh i swear everyone else is just as messed up. and martyn is like. just as bad if not worse (if that wasn't made clear from my ramblings before)

anyway uh say it with me rebound 👏 relationship 👏

i think they're both.. very numb to it all once limlife rolls around. they're just tired and have this mutual understanding and both think they're horrible people. martyn just wants to play the game. scott doesn't even know what he wants anymore.

but ofc, they're both still human and want love and comfort, so they try to seek that from one another. even if it's fake. even if it doesn't matter in the end.

Baby, though I've closed my eyes I know who you pretend I am I know who you pretend I am

Washing Machine Heart (Mitski)

We’re the Delusioned Victim Cash-in Union Praise to the “love” that will bring salvation! Two fools singing to a shallow melody Restart, reflation, teleportation Time and again we’re stuck in rotation Circles inside a love without any ending

MKDR (SirHamnet Lyrics)

Scott uses Martyn as a replacement for Jimmy and Martyn uses Scott as a replacement for Ren. they know they dislike eachother (see: all of double life) and that only one of them will make it out alive. but they can't get that love and comfort from anyone else now.

also uhhh eroguro my beloved...... im assuming this is getting brought up cus of my mentions of loving eroguro in the past. and yes to all of that very much i agree. but i do have kind of.. a limit to what i do w/ these characters specifically because of the fandom/ccs (at least publicly). if i ever do decide to share the nastier stuff in my head or go into detail on gore and whatnot i'd probs make a sideblog and tuck it away and maybe block scott and martyn for always somehow showing up on my posts lmao

#asks #ask games #trafficshipping #treebark #majorwood #the 'team BEST/divorce quartet enjoyer' thing in my pinned is just code for #'i will go insane abt any ship involving any of these guys'#i didn't do divorce quartet as a whole soz just cus that would be WAYY TOO LONG Actually 😭😭#and also a lot of it i feel is already covered thru majorwood and zombiewood #but yeah they're so messed up therapy aint helping that situation y'all need lawyers

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hazyilluminations · 2 years

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Reminiscence

"So, I was in that dorky store the other day and …", you started with a content smile on your lightened up face.

"It is not dorky, they actually have some excellent refined miniatures, that are going to gain in price over the years", he sounded a bit too serious for a dork, and a bit too dorky for a businessman.

"Oh My God, Tsukishima Kei, you are the dorkiest dork I have ever known".

"Says the girl, who buys one new keychain every time she enters a shop, and doesn't even use it", he rolled his eyes and showed at your current keychain.

"Well, you got me this one, so I cherish it, as I cherish you", you huffed a bit at his comment.

"Yeah, maybe then you declare your love to me?", he teased you.

"I have no problem with that … unlike some annoying, yet dorky guys", you increased a bit your pace, so that you were ahead of him, – "I love you, and I am pretty sure I won't love anyone the same way as | do love you".

Beep, beep, beep …

A dream? Why it has to be about you again? The best time he has ever spent, the time you were still together.

He reached the alarm clock on the side table and knocked it off. It was still early, the first rays of autumn sun were creeping through the curtains. He frowned, turned over his pillow, and tried to go back to sleep.

How could he? He saw you again, like you were still in his life. He could feel that light floral scent, that you were so obsessed with. Or was he that much obsessed with it? He inhaled deeply, trying to feel the air and not your scent.

He closed his eyes and there were you. In your neatly, yet a bit of oversized school uniform, smiling at him, radiating the energy, he would never confess, that fed him every single day in high school. Your silky hair, waving at every bumpy step you took. Your delicate fingers, intertwined with his on the way to school and back. Weirdly shaped, yet cute, birthmark behind your left ear. Your puffy rosy lips and the sweetness of your kisses infiltrated his mind completely … He would give everything just to taste it one more time.

"Crap … What a nice way to start the day", he couldn't torture himself anymore, so he decided to stay up and begin the crazy hasty day.

His phone buzzed. It was Yamaguchi.

Hey? Tsuki! Do you want to grab a cup of coffee before the game?

Yeah. I don't think I can handle the freaky reunion without one.

👍 C u there, Tsuki!

He put his phone on the kitchen counter, turned on his favorite playlist and went to shower.

Today was the reunion day with the Karasuno team. Now that Hinata returned to Japan, the 3dyears decided to make everyone gather in a some sort of pub, with drinking and grilling and billiards playing. With all the "fun stuff", that, he, Tsukishima Kei, so appreciated.

He wasn't really in the mood for participating. Yamaguchi annoyed the hell out of him, so he just surrendered, on one condition, though – not more than one hour of having a drink together and cutting up old touches.

You wouldn't be there, so there will be no harm, he thought, trying to justify his presence there.

After your brake-up, that nobody, even him, expected, you went abroad to study. That is what he wanted for you. During your senior year, you were offered to study overseas, but you rejected it, not wanting to part your ways with him.

How stupid of you. He always thought about how reckless it was for you to miss such an opportunity. You deserved it, even if it meant to be miles away from you. It wasn't easy for both of you. He was actually looking forward to the future with you in it.

As the graduation came closer, you started to fight about it over and over. He gave you countless reasons, and you didn't want to listen. You were perfectly fine with the local university, but he wanted more for you.

At some point he lost control over the situation, and he had said everything, that he shouldn't. You left. And he couldn't change it.

Every bridge was burned down, and you both didn't even try to communicate with each other, at least the first year.

Although, he followed your life through social media. He didn't leave a trace, but he collected your photos and shorts. Then he deleted it several times, and restored.

He even tried blind dating, that Tadashi arranged for him. Each ended in a half of an hour. He just didn't pay attention to the date, he didn't even try to.

He was fine with that. Tsukishima Kei didn't want to look for a soulmate, he had already found one. And lost it with his own attitude.

Time has passed, and he got to his normal state of mind. Although, every once in a while, he dreamed of you and what you once shared.

And, God, he did miss that.

It was already half seven, and you were trying to find your suitcase at the airport. You were late, terribly late. You promised Hinata to meet everyone, before his team leaves the town.

"Hey, Dad. Yeah, I am at the airport. They lost my suitcase. I am late to the meeting. Did you park my car? You are a lifesaver! Love you! Well, I definitely come in the morning… Yeah, yeah… I won't drink, I am driving. And if I will, I just call you? OK? Bye, Daddy!".

You filled up the document for the luggage return and rushed to your car. You weren't exactly a racer type of driver, but some people might think you were a danger to society.

All the rush put you in the state of oblivion. You didn't even think that Tsukishima would participate at this sort of event. So, with no unnecessary thoughts, you drove to the place.

Meanwhile, everyone greeted each other and was catching up with the life updates.

"So, Tsukishima, you are the same as Kageyama and Hinata, after all", Suga stated with a sincere smile on his face.

"I am not".

"I could continue, but I am really happy to see you all guys, so I won't annoy you", Sugawara gigged, sipping lazily from his glass.

"I would appreciate it, Sugawara-san".

Eventually, everyone was chatting in small groups. The 3dyears, the 2ndyears, with Tanaka, bragging about his beautiful wife. Yachi was giggling all the time, having small conversations with Kiyoko. And the four of 1styears were pissing each other like in high school, 4 years ago.

Hinata looked worried at the screen of his phone.

"Where are you?".

"Are you waiting for someone, Hinata?", Ennoshita asked.

"Well, yeah. But she is late. I am just worried, if everything is ok".

"She? Don't tell me you have a girlfriend, Human Tangerine", Kageyama grinned.

"Well, she is not my girlfriend. But even you would be freaking happy to be with her", Hinata laughed and send a message to you.

"Hinata, could it be, that …", Yamaguchi worriedly started to ask, but was cut by the sharp noises of a parking car.

"Shoyo!", you rushed into the restaurant.

"You made it!", Hinata jumped, excitedly.

"Guys! I freaking missed you!", you were so hyped, that you didn't notice Tsukishima, standing behind you in a pure shock.

It was something, that he desperately wanted to happen, and afraid of, at the same time.

You were there. The same height, the same hair length, the same stupid boots, inappropriately short skirt, although, he found it astonishingly charming on your figure, off-shoulder blouse, and the same scent, that made him inhale deeply …

His mind went crazy, and he stood there, like a 2 m statue, not able to move even a bit.

"This is going to be a very entertaining evening", Suga winked to the team.

"Or it will be a disaster", Yachi added, almost whispering.

You jumped at the first free place, at the end of the table, near Yamaguchi, and hugged him.

"Oh, Yamacutie! I missed you! How are you? The last time I saw you, your hair were longer… Shoyo, look at your muscles. Jeez, you look almost like Bokuto. How's he doing? Is he still in town? Tobio, are you smiling? Like actually smiling? Woah … Daichi, how many lives have you already saved? ", you were bursting out with a million of questions, and you started to ask them, when someone bluntly cut your chitchatting off.

"You occupied my place".

Your heart dropped.

You turned hastily and threw over an empty glass. He caught it, and now you were looking each other in the eyes.

The time stopped. Your mind went completely blank. You were terrified, to say the least. How does on Earth that happen, that you didn't think of him?

He, instead, seeing your dumbfounded state and the effect, he had on you, felt a wave of adrenaline and incredible confidence.

"Yes. I'm sorry …", that's all you could answer.

"Then, if you are sorry, you move?".

"Yeah. Wait, what? Why would I? Didn't you hear about courtesy?".

"I did, as a matter of fact. However, it doesn't apply to our situation. You took the place, that was already occupied", he grinned.

"There is no situation", bitterness washed you over, – "I need a drink".

You stood up and made your way straight to the bar.

"Tsukki …", Yamaguchi sighed.

"Tsukishima, why should you be so smart ass all the time?", Tanaka frowned.

"I am just stating the obvious thing, that is all", he bit his tongue, knowing he got under your skin.

You came back with a bottle of sake, determined to fall into limbo.

"Don't you think it is a bit too much for you?", Tsukishima's eyes widened a bit at the sight of the bottle.

"Don't you think it is not your concern?", you retorted, not wanting to look him in the eyes.

"I just…", he wanted to say something.

"Let's just not ruin the evening for all of them, the wanted it to happen for a long time", you asked him with a soft tone.

"It was never my intention".

"Yes, I know".

The rest of the evening was quite calm. Rare freaky Duo bickering interfered to the tranquility. They were discussing the game between their teams and who was on top.

Everyone shared their stories, photos, and it almost felt like the evening after the volleyball practice at the gym.

You slowly sipped your drink and space out from time to time, concentrating on the greenish candle in front of you. The flickering flame took you to that wonderful time you had, when you were in love.

"How have you been?", a familiar voice took you out of your trance. You raised your eyes and met Tsukishima's questioning face.

"What? I am sorry, I am a bit spaced out".

"How are you?".

"I am ok. Why?".

"You look tired".

"I am, I guess. I got my diploma a few weeks ago. So, maybe it is just postgrad fatigue catching up".

"Congratulations, you deserve it".

"Um, thanks", you felt again some sort of bitterness in your mouth.

"I think I need another drink", you placed a hand on the table, prepared to go get another drink, when his hand reached yours.

"That is enough for today", he said in a gentle tone. Your skin burned like it was fire and not his hand, that touched you.

Fortunately, no one noticed your interaction. Well, maybe Yamaguchi stayed the whole evening on guard, just in case. He tried to redirect everyone's attention, so you two could possibly have your first in the past 3 years conversation. And he succeeded.

"I need fresh air", you finally broke the silence.

"As you should. You emptied the whole bottle by yourself", he didn't want to offend, but it turned out like that.

"Ok, that's enough", you walked out as quite as possible, so that no one notices your frustration.

He followed you.

"Stop following me".

"So that you fell somewhere on the parking lot and Yamaguchi wouldn't stop blaming me…".

"What is wrong with you? Really? Yamaguchi? That's how you justify your actions? Grow up!".

"Like you did?", he retorted. "You are so mature to vanish after a little misunderstanding".

"Excuse me?", you snapped. "You wanted it? Didn't you? You just couldn't stop torturing me with that stupid exchange program. Did you ask me? What I wanted? And guess what? I didn't want any of this to happen. We were planning our future together. You were the one to talk about moving together! You ruined us! And now you act like you care? You can't do this to me, you just don't have the right to do it!", you didn't realize you were crying, salty tears falling like a waterfall. You couldn't stop. All emotions washed you over at once and mixed, intoxicating and suffocating you.

"Y/n, you need to calm down", he tried to help you.

But the more he talked, the less you could control yourself. You were surely having a near panic attack experience.

"I can't breathe…Kei".

The picture in front of you blurred and started to faint.

You don't know how long you were unconscious and what exactly happened there.

You slightly opened your eyes and tried to compose yourself. Your head was still dizzy.

You weren't at the parking lot for sure. Then where were you?

The apartment was dimly alight. You looked around.

There was surely one more room in it.

The living room was minimalistically, yet neatly furnished, there was an open kitchen with a dining table in front of it. Without excessive decorations, some flowerpots with ananthous plants, lots of weirdly titled books and, of course, dinosaur miniature replicas – that is the description, you would give this place.

You stood up shakily, walked to one of the shelves and traced your fingers across the books.

"How do you feel", he asked gently from behind. A cup of tea in his hands.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to cause a drama. It is just … I just couldn't control it … I am sorry …", you sat on the corner of the sofa, covering your face.

"It is ok. I shouldn't push it", he kneeled down in front of you. "Look at me… Y/n, look at me", he stroked gently through your hair.

You raised your head and faced him. It's like there weren't those 3 years apart. Every problem and misunderstanding faded away.

"Your shoulders grew wider", you put your hand on his chest, caressing its way to his neck.

"You haven't changed a bit", he tucked a strand behind your ear, closing the distance between you.

"I haven't stopped loving you".

"I have never tried to stop", you kissed him gently in the corner of his lips.

He answered your kiss, not as gentle as you, a bit more eager, as if he was in a desperate need of your touch and taste.

He surely was.

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toon-rp-finder · 28 days

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"Alright, let's do this one more time! 🕸️💞"

⭐ Hey there! F 18 here looking for other 18+ Roleplayers to indulge on some Across the Spiderverse OCxCC fun! I'm looking for FxM ships on my side. Definitely double friendly although I am not used to doing it in this fandom.

[What I am looking for]

• I am searching for someone that could play both Pavitr and Hobie for me, to be paired with two different OCs. I don't mind if you have experience musing them already or if you want to try it out for the first time, or even if you think your interpretations are a little OOC. Throw them my way! There is no shame here.

• I am looking for someone that could be at least literate, but I don't care about reply consistency at all. You can reply once or twice a day? Nice! Once a week? No bother! Whatever fits your schedule, I can adapt to it.

• By all means feel free to share any headcanons you might have and please talk OOC with me! Plotting things together and going crazy about it is one of my favorite parts.

• Although I don't expect NSFW to be a major part of the plot, I am by no means opposed to the idea. I just ask for a bit of development before we dwell on the topic if we decide to add it!

• Wether we decide to age the characters up or keep them the same age is up to you. Again, I can adapt to anything.

• Dark themes are more than welcome to be explored, I just ask that you tell me what you'd like to add beforehand so we can discuss how to better implement it in the plot! The chances of me saying no to something are very slim.

• Like I said, I am double friendly, although I have very little experience with the characters in this fandom. I can try to RP pretty much anyone for you, what type of pairing (MxF, MxM, FxF, etc) you want doesn't matter to me! I'm down to anything.

• I RP strictly on Discord, as I believe it to be more organized.

[About my OCs]

• First one is her Earth's spider person! A singer and Teen idol in ascension if you will, but it is quite hard to manage identities, just like it is for every other Spider person out there. She's latina, inspired by the Hyperpop genre when it comes to singing. She was bitten by a jumping spider.

• the second OC is the first one's Venom. Japanese, inspired by the Visual Kei subculture, be it fashion, makeup, music, etc. An alternate version of her was Hobie's Gwen Stacy, but that version of her is dead by now. She was initially a villain, but now is considered an anti-hero and my other OC's friend.

________________________

This is all! I think this is a long shot, but if anyone out there feels interested in the slightest then please interact with this post and I will come running! ^^

😉👍

#18+ rp #discord rp #cartoon rp #animated rp #spiderman rp #spiderverse rp #canon x oc #male x female #doubles rp #male x male #female x female

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082112 · 6 months

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I told Nirali today that I decided to leave Outer Coast.

Context: for the past week or two I’ve been having horrible anxiety and it’s brought up all these horrible things inside me. I was afraid I was socially deficient and that I was vain and unimportant and had something wrong with me and would be consigned to a life of being secondary and being lonely, and perceived even normal activities or coincidences as slights against me from people or from the universe. I wanted to leave, and I told my parents and all my friends back home. I’ve been quite short and terse in classes this entire week to all my teachers. Yesterday after crying in front of Nirali admitting just a tiny fraction of this, I called home and then typed out a long rant while crying, lying perfectly horizontal facing the wall in my bed, until my literal eyeballs hurt. I showed up 5 minutes late to SB meeting clearly having bawled out my eyes too. Some excerpts from said rant:

gonna drop out of this microcollege because it’s actually been destroying my mental health and self image for the past few weeks

and i’m constantly convinced something is wrong with me socially

how violently angry and petulant my reaction [to being extended an offer to connect and spend time together with a teacher] was is a clear sign i’m not okay and clearly have some unmitigated issues. but every experience of someone else in my cohort having friends or a good time seems to me like clear evidence that i’m a social failure who isn’t strong enough to see what i do through (re: dropping out) and is cowardly enough to run away from things instead of actually confronting them

like. what if there’s something wrong with me and everyone that has loved me and chose to know me, ever, is because i got lucky

and the reasons i keep telling myself to stay are “i need a transcript from this microcollege so grad schools can see im not bumming around” “maybe my teacher here can write me a good letter of rec for grad school” “how am i gonna explain this to the x scholarship committee that my character and personal failings were so great I dropped out of something I intentionally walked into and was so excited for and told all my friends about when in fact I just acted like a huge petty loser at the end and ran away”

and my god. what if someone at this place saw through all the pleasant smiles and intellect and reflexive laughter and they saw the jealousy and insecurity and anger and fear. wouldn’t that be horrible?

I also texted Sun and Huitzilin about how I wanted to leave. Huitzilin actually told me about their experience too, which reinforced my decision, and I think by the end of the night I had made up my mind I was going to go.

Conversation excerpts from me, there:

Ugh. Is it crazy to feel like you’re losing your personhood? I feel like I should be experiencing the opposite at a place where we’re supposed to be learning radical new ways of understanding the world. But I keep on feeling like the opposite where I’m just a body with obligations to “community partners” and “class” instead of an actual conviction to do these things. And I was so excited originally too!

I also feel mildly insane for the thoughts of like “but no transcript?” (Said in the tone of no bitches? no head?) and like “if I only stayed for 10wks it doesn’t seem impressive enough as a full semester” and “what if everyone learns something life changing the day I leave and I am the only one who was left out on the Forbidden Mysterious knowledge” and shit 📲💁🏻‍♀️🤣👍😅😋👍

yes!! I have talked to my parents incessantly about this because like. I have ALL these reasons to stay. and I’ve been beating myself up over like not being excited enough about them or whatever

but at the same time the only thing that sort of makes me feel better is the thought of leaving

Which probably says something about like, how I’m doing. And maybe my need to go DESPITE all these fun shiny experiences I could have while staying

And so today I woke up having decided that I am going to leave, and lay in bed until around 11:30 just idly on my phone (cancelled my hatchery service and everything), called my mom to tell her I decided to leave, emailed Nirali for an extra meeting, took a shower, went to lunch, went to class.

In class we had some guests, and Matthew talked about a tough event that had happened yesterday - a pair of shoes belonging to a past SJ student was found on campus during construction - and so the Kiks.ádi clan was going to come today and do a ceremony. Our guest Yeilt’ooch’ Tláa shared a really beautiful phrase they used in the Yukon:

Which she wrote and I approached her after to annotate. She had this amazing air to her that felt so welcoming and kind and grateful and it made me feel very happy to talk to her briefly. I found it tremendously beautiful and moving. In this context she said it to the people of history, I think, the people that lived on SJ campus, and the idea that we will not leave you all behind - as in we will not forget you, we will not leave you behind in the past. But she says it’s used for many occasions in the Yukon, not just for the recognition and bearing of history. Teenagers, she said, will say it to each other. If you have a 12-year-old that is slow. If you have a group of people running together. Hél is another version of Tlél (lit. translation “not”), yee is the second person plural, nák_ is “to leave behind,” and gax_too.aat is “we will” + “go” (used in reference to multiple people, who are us).

I thought about this for a while and was moved. I think this is a sentiment I will carry too. It’s reassuring to hear. It makes you feel cared for. And it’s very powerful, too. I thought about all the ways I wanted to bear history and the people I did not want to leave behind in it: my family, my predecessors on this continent, people in the world whose legacy or way of being I inherit, in one way or another, unto myself. And then I started thinking about how I could co-opt this for graduate school admissions (Histories of women? Queerness? Diaspora? Some other buzzword?) and now as I write this I feel mildly terrible about that.

(Quick aside: being here has gifted me a beautiful lexicon. “Ways of knowing,” “ways of being,” “holding things,” and so on. Haa kusteeyí, I think they spell it in Tlingit. Not sure on that though.)

Anyway, after class I approached Nirali and told her that I had decided I was leaving, and she told me that I was a gift, to which I asked for a hug and tried very hard not to cry. And then she was off to the ceremony and I was off to sit in my room and browse the CSmajors Reddit. Matthew said there would be a drum circle down at the docks at 5 and so a little bit before 5 I went down to the docks. I saw the ceremony still going while walking down so I mildly but did not particularly expect them.

I sat on the dock and looked at the setting sun and listened to the Oh Hellos.

I also talked into the SSP server about said feelings. At this point I was having a really lovely day because I had learned that wonderful phrase earlier and the sunset and sitting on the dock was very beautiful. I noticed the tide was very low so I walked down the path next to the science center onto the beach. The water had receded further than I had ever seen before, maybe fifty feet back, and plenty of rocks with barnacles and seaweed and sea grass (I was rather taken by how pretty and silky it looked) and mussels were all exposed. I spent maybe 10 minutes walking in this low tide zone. I tried to climb a large rock but my shoes kept slipping and so I made a smart decision to slide on my butt back down. Then I freaked myself out by telling myself waterlines always recede dramatically before tsunamis and scampered back up to SJ campus. (I’m pretty sure tsunamis are also preceded by earthquakes and that we get notifications for them if we can detect them, but hey anxiety, my old friend.)

While walking back I saw the mountains behind SJ campus. I think it was one of the Sisters. They were tall and pink-shadowed and very beautiful.

I then met with one of my SSP mentees to work on her early action essays, had dinner, found out the drum circle happened ten minutes after I’d left, felt mildly betrayed, and met with my other SSP mentee. I called my mom briefly to tell her about how great of a day I’d had and how it made me feel conflicted about leaving again. Now I keep thinking: but today was so lovely. If I have days like today, I don’t want to leave. There must be many more beautiful things that are waiting in the future here. Won’t I be missing all these new ways of knowing?

Afterwards I went into Jazz’s room and tried to tell her about leaving, but Ben came in and asked us to go to Pell’s. Normally I would say no thank you. But I was thinking, I’m leaving and I haven’t even been to Pell’s. So we went to Pell’s (I wore 4 layers on top and 2 layers on the bottom). It was very cold.

The stars were very beautiful. I was informed that at Samsing cabin everyone could a) see even more stars, even the Milky Way and b) everyone smoked weed together. One part was surprising to me. I did not know that.

I then begged to go on the docks to see the stars better. Apparently the aurora was supposed to be visible on the horizon tonight, but the mountains and town are north and we did not see much. Ben suggested the tennis courts, so we lay down there and I told them that I wanted to leave. Neither of them seemed very surprised and both were very supportive. Then I told them about how I was having second thoughts because of how nice a day I was having, to which Ben empathized. “I had the most fun when I thought I was leaving,” he said. “It was because I thought fuck it and just started doing things.” I agreed. I had just done that with Pell’s.

We also made it a bit down to the docks (it was very slippery, as a thin sheet of frost was intermingled with the top layer of wood) before we went back to Yaw because the other two people had to piss. Afterwards we dragged 3 sleeping pads outside to lie in the grass and look at the stars more. I told Jazz a bit of how horribly I was feeling these past 2 weeks and how I was worried there was something wrong with me. She was very kind and was like, “why didn’t you tell me! It helps to have someone there for you!” to which I was only able to sort of say something about pride and fear and not being able to ask for things in the thick of it.

The truth is that I think I keep pride and fear (and a few other relatives) so intensely close to me, so constantly, that they become my silence. And I really need to work on that. I think I will stick it through and leave. And I know I am leaving because I had such an awful experience with mental health these past few weeks which made me so sad to be here, in such a beautiful place. And I know that that experience happened because I was in a hard place, and I have been carrying a lot of weight, and I need to learn to listen to myself and be more kind to myself. I am horrible and ruthless to myself and I really deserve better. I think I have many parts of myself that are wonderful and gentle and good. But when I get so into my head, all I can do is think about how horrible I am and how vain and shallow and insubstantial I think myself to be. And I don’t really deserve that.

So I think I’m going to follow through with leaving. I need to figure out how to tell the rest of SB and staffulty. To be honest, I kind of really don’t want to. Especially after such a good day. And the kindness and warmth people bring on purpose here. Ben said that it’s hard to leave community. It’s hard to find a place where people genuinely care for you like they do here. And I think that is very true. I wish I spoke to staffulty more, picked their brains more, asked them more questions. But perhaps if I had stayed here and hurted I still would have left unsatisfied and resentful and unconnected. In this sense I think I would like to try again (not necessarily by repeating any experiences, but trying again as in connecting with others again) once I work with myself a little more.

I will miss this tremendously. Already I have a fear that I will never find a place like this in the world again. But I also think it is not wrong to go home. To rest - truly rest - and to ask myself how I can begin to heal. I don’t want to frame this as me blaming myself for ruining this experience with my weakness with respect to mental health or fortitude. Rather just that I am hurting. That is not a fault of mine. It’s hard for me to believe this, even as I’m typing this out in live time. But this is the truth. I did not blow this for myself because I am weak. Instead I am taking care of myself because I have been hurting for a long time. And Outer Coast is not perfect. There is a lot they could have done better. But I do not regret coming here at all. I have acquired many really wonderful experiences and ways of knowing. And I think I have taken a step in the direction of understanding myself the way I did before I went to MIT. That is very lovely and I am glad for it.

I think a lot of the questions are: how do I be truly, actively kinder to myself? How do I live and accept myself as-is? How do I stop taking everything and blaming it on myself as a personal failing? How do I begin to let go of pain? How do I learn to live in the present instead of running towards the future?

Oh, if only not for my stack of unread books… how am I gonna pack everything?!!

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artemismn · 10 months

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wowww an essay thak you !

im assuming you picked the last option, which is like You need to do more than fanfarm

i agree with that one too, and i do think reading stories and having an understanding of the character you produce matter more than what you have of the character in the game. overall.

when i think of producing wataru, and what i want of him, i want lots of itabags and a truck full of nuis and every keychain thats ever been made

i also want a deep understanding of his character, i want to know him more so so so bad. ive read maybe 1/3 of the wataru stories so far

in the game i have 70k fans and am only missing a couple of his cards

ive been crazy about wataru everu day for over a year too

i was seeking peoples opinions and views, thank you for delivering so well 🙂

Hello! i’m glad that i didn’t annoy you with that essay in the notes haha

I actually picked the 3rd to last option, that the only requirement to produce is to like and pay attention. it most closely aligned with my view point that all you have to do it engage with the character on a regular basis, even if it’s not as grand as having a full ita bag or having 10k+ fans. since even if it seems small to me, like i said in my reblog, there’s so many different ways to enjoy a media like enstars that i feel like i don’t really have a place to draw a line on what’s “enough” to be a producer! i mainly used hyperboles in my “essay” to explain my point. honestly, as long as someone isn’t claiming to be a producer of a character then consuming literally 0 content of said character, not participating in any events, not pulling in gacha, and not even talking about the character regularly (basically not engaging at all) then i’m not going to say they aren’t a true producer of a character ^^ though i do understand your perspective.

my perspective probably comes from my relationship to enstars throughout the years. i started playing in late 2016 at age 12 and now in 2023 i’m 19 lol. i’ve always been a fineP, with tori being my first fave then wataru turning into my number 1 fave shortly afterwards. over the years my level of interest has fluctuated, with there being times of obsession and times of hiatus, but i’ve always come back to the same characters, to wataru and fine as a whole, you know? even during the times of hiatus, there’s never been a time where i didn’t consider myself a wataruP/fineP. same thing with the friends i’ve met through enstars, i’ve watched them leave and come back to the game (perhaps come back more casually), but i don’t see their love for their faves leave them. in my eyes, i still see them as producers for those characters.

sorry for giving my whole enstars back story lol, your post/ask just got me thinking about my relationship to enstars! ^^ very introspective topic.

to me, wataru is a character that has always brought me happiness. when i think about what i want out of wataru, what i think of first the is comfort and happiness he provides to me. i want to see him and i want to understand him as a character. he’s someone i relate to very much. i want his cards and i want to get merch of him.

right now i have all but one of his cards on enstars!! music (i missed his 7th anniversary card during a hiatus waahhh). i only have about 43k+ fans though (going for rank B rn) because like i said in my “essay”, collecting fans wasn’t really an aspect i really considered much or cared about, at least not until recently haha. (he’s on all my main teams, but they all got maxed out so i didn’t progress far after that). i was planning on making an ita bag for him/fine a few years back (even bought the bag for it) but uhh yeah that adhd slump hit and ive ran out of spoons for it ^^; it’s fine though i’m happy with my nuis and scattered merch

anyway thanks for the ask 👍 i think your perspective is very interesting and i liked hearing about how you view your relationship with wataru! sorry that this turned into another, even longer, essay i love talking about things. have a nice night/day :)

#mine #ask #i think this is the most i’ve ever ‘spoken’ at once on tumblr lol #i’m usually more of a lurker #my essays get saved for my ig and dms lol

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creaturebehavior · 2 years

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afraid i’m gonna hit post limit. i need to log off. girl i am tweaked on this bullshit. the pre-workout. but i’m coming down kind of and my nose is running. also i’m dehydrated. i’m still fucked as fuck off the shits tho cuz girl i do not normally lay here tensing up my foot like this just chilling. bitch why are you pointing your toes? on your right foot only too. left foot totally relaxed

also my brain hurts. right behind my forehead

also i keep noticing every time i abuse pre-workout i drink like a hundred bottles of water in a blackout. and then i’m coming down and i’m like what the fuck. where did all these empty bottles of water come from? such a waste btw. i mostly buy bottled water to take with me to school to refill my klean kanteen with cuz we don’t have filtered water there. god i am so thirsty. i’m gonna get up and refill these plastic water bottles. what the hell is going on

edit: i’m just gonna keep editing this post cuz i don’t want to hit post limit.

this comedown is crazy. you’re so welcome btw for doing the research and seeing what will happen if you consume an absolutely dangerous amount of pre-workout throughout the day and night.

i keep sneezing and i am nauseas and kind of cold or maybe i’m just not used to not being hot after spending all day overheated from the pre-workout

part of me is like does this count as a relapse??? lmfao this is ridiculous. i wanted to see if can get high off this stuff and it worked. i can’t even imagine what pre-workout used to be like when it was filled with amphetamines. actually wait yes i can cuz i’ve tried amphetamines before lmfao. this stuff is still crazy tho.

god my head hurts so bad. i even took tylenol but to not avail. this hangover is going to be wicked. i couldn’t even function on monday after my mini pre-workout overdose on sunday. i can’t even imagine how shitty im gonna be feeling tomorrow. what possessed me to drink more pre-workout at fucking midnight btw? it must have been the disease

i am drinking propel, and i refilled 2 plastic water bottles and my klean kanteen. i’m gonna need more water than this probably but yeah. i am dehydrated but also nauseas so this is gonna be a wild ride. also maybe my head would hurt a little less if i could remember not to clench my jaw

edit: i feel i would benefit from a single saltine cracker inside my stomach. i wonder if we have saltines? actually wait. i have exactly one cracker in the box of crackers next to me. or box of cracker i guess

i knew i saved this one cracker for a reason

edit: okay i am coming up on 4 hours since my last dose of pre-workout and i think i am in the clear to take my seroquel. i am gonna have to set an alarm and force myself to wake up earlier than i want to in order to text people to try to get someone to cover my chair position at EDI tomorrow.

edit: oh great the seroquel is taking effect and it’s causing my body to be angry about it…. it like re-introduced the beta alanine itch?? but like worse. i really think this is mostly my liver and kidneys getting pissed off. i would be lying if i said this was unfamiliar but, i have in fact poisoned myself many times before. i know all about this whole song and dance. but this is mild rn and i don’t feel there’s anything to be concerned about, i’m just going to continue drinking water and pissing all night long. 👍

edit: it’s 4:20 AM and i am watching trash youtube videos

edit: i’m having an existential crisis

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nuggetgetsskinny · 3 years

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Oh hey

It’s been a while. I just read through my whole blog a little update for future me and the fewer people that are still lingering around, im 18 in 50 days, so yeah.. i’ve been on my own for a long time. So this whole thing originally was going to be me losing weight, well it didn’t really go as planned, i am now at my heaviest that i’ve ever been which would be around 100kg aka around 220lbs. Remember that guy who cheated on me w a 14 yr old? Yeah well last summer we went into another relationship and he said loud n proud “ yeah i prefer skinny girls over you, but i still love you as you are” fucking pig. He was horrible and abusive. I adopted a kitten that i named Hana (blossom) and i broke up w my ex a month after that, as in september. I haven’t been in a relationship since. I did fuck a friend but sadly it was nothinf other then a one nighr stand. Hana turned 1 on the 4th of June, she really saved my life, she’s always there for me when i have panic attacks and she is very attached to me as i am to her. I have streched ears now, more piercings, 3mm septum, bleached hair, gray ish. I have alot of tattoos and scars. I’ve been eating like shit ever since the “ i prefer skinny” incident so yes, my anorexia turned into a binge eating disorder. Over a week ago i met some random lady who turned out to be Tiinas friend( Tiina- my friend of 7 years and im living at hers for the summer) she pulled me to the side n said “ i hope it isn’t rude, but were you skinnier before? Like you have huge strechmarks” NICE VERY GREAT THANK YOU FOR POINTING IT OUT MISS MA’AM. She also casually shot amphetamine when we went over to hers. Anyway with love there really isn’t much, besides Daniel, i really loved him, and i still do, he is my type, but the relationship between us is complicated n weird since he lives in Sweden. So we’re sticking as friends, we’ve known eachother for 8 months now. I met this other guy at the beach while drinking w my friends, his friends were cool and i sent Tiina to the club to go find him and get his info for me, gotta take my chances, i want to move on, i want to feel less alone. My depression has gotten worse, ADHD is even worse, I have BPD and i might be schizophrenic. Im doing great as you see. Im making music tho, so i guess that’s good. I saw my dad over 4 months a few months ago, it was nice. Calling the cps on my mom next monday, long story, but shems 37->38 and her boyfriend is 18->19, fucking nasty, we stopped talking and i blocked them both because my mum is a drunk( so is he) and he said he wanted a threesome( FUCKING NASTY) and mum said “ stop the bullshit “ apparently non of em remember it so they framed me into a liar. Ofcourse knowing their place in this town, nobody belives em. Shit’s barely going theese days, OH I WAS ALSO A DRUG ADDICT LAST SUMMER, yeeeaaa that shit was crazy. But im better now. I feel so guilty whenever im being touched by a guy, because i’ve been getting flashbacks of my abusive ex tryna rape me on his birthday 🙂👍. I feel that im unworthy of love. Im useless and worthless, i don’t know it’s such utter bullshit, but something clicked in me today, im falling back into old habits so i’ll be restricting again. I can’t belive this shit has been going in for 3,5 years now. Unreal. Tiinas fiance just woke up, oh also i had a simp at some point who paid me 450 per month and i managed to get a 1100€ laptop and i bought an iphone X, im startinf a job at the local pub on monday so id be able to buy a Nintendo Switch for my birthday, im so excited i really want it. I also want to get my nipples pierced. I don’t know what else to say, all my exes have new gfs, im starting to pay more attention to my weight again, but we all know how it’s gon go, i’ll weigh myself when i wake up, so then i’ll be able to keep track every weekend. Sayonara for now

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