#all I want to do in life is consume my gay little medias and not focus on college
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I do think my relationship to my hair is 100% obsessive and dysfunctional
#ppl don’t seem to understand the gravity#I’m like completely consumed by the need to change it#like it’s existence in its current state is making me so anxious I can feel it like a knot inside me#i want to cut it I want to cut it#like I knew that growing it would be hard but AHHHHHHHHH#i can do this I want it gone!!!!!!!#i really was excited to be able to put it in little buns like it looks super cute#but if it was all gone…………….#and I want to look gay 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#why is my life completely dictated by wanting to look like men#i consumed too much media with long haired men and was like#i want that#and now I’m seeing short haired men and I want that#god fuck#HATE#also my hair kinda looks lame af when it’s long#some days it looks good but some days#dot dot dot#i can’t sleeep now I’m anxious
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In Response to Criticism of Loser, Baby
According to the yt comments under prime's upload of Loser, Baby, apparently some folks are taking offense to Husker comforting Angel by telling him he's a loser and to get over it and somehow framing this lovely lovely song as victim blaming??
the media literacy bar really is in hell
I do think the song plays out far better in the context of the show, and isn't really made to be a standalone piece of consumable media, though I will be treating it as such in the coming days by endlessly looping the video
anyway, this is a song that brings comfort and hope to both characters thanks to who each character is and what situation each is in. These are vital pieces of context that are important to understanding the message of the song. It's important to realize one method of comfort is not going to work for every situation-- the particular method in Loser, Baby works because of what the characters are looking for in the moment.
Husk confronts Angel on his self-destructive tendencies, to which Angel responds that drugs, sex, and immediate dopamine hits are his escape, and that, even in the worst case, even if he destroys himself, it'd be better than the situation he's currently in (a suicidal, scary thing to say)
In the previous scenes in the show, we've seen that Angel takes an almost comedic level of pride in his work, eager to drag the gang off to sex dungeons and show them his porn tapes. He delights in how uncomfortable his world makes them and constantly does bits, putting on a character that's hypersexual, that seems like he's in control and wants to be doing the sex work he's doing
This is very clearly an attempt at masquerading a level of power over his life that he doesn't actually have; in reality, he has no choice but to be sexually exploited, but if he acts like he chooses it, it almost feels like he owns his life. Or, really, it almost looks to others that he owns his life. It's all about performance and perception with Angel; he hates the idea of looking like someone who needs saving, hates looking like a victim, and hates being seen as powerless, so he tries to act like he's none of those things. Of course, he can't really lie to himself, so he resolves that inner turmoil (suffering that he completely internalizes because he doesn't want to break his facade) through drugs, sex, alcohol, and even pain as distraction.
Which is why "Loser, Baby," is so fucking wonderful! Husk is telling him, over and over, that he's not fooling anyone, that his little character he's sacrificing so much to play isn't worth it, that Angel's a loser and everyone can tell. If you take his words at face value, it's cruel and unkind and could make things worse--- that is, if this wasn't Husk and he wasn't talking to Angel.
It's freeing. Angel is being told that he doesn't need to do his bullshit performance, that he can be a loser, and that everyone at the hotel's a loser too, so no one's gonna judge him. It's a song about accepting where you are in life, about stopping Angel's denial of reality and refusal of vulnerability.
Most of all, it's a very kind gesture on Husk's part. It wouldn't have worked if Husk hadn't also loudly called himself a loser and opened up about his past mistakes. It's a wonderful song about mutual vulnerability and accepting imperfections and mistakes and accepting that you're in a shitty place so you can finally stop self-destructing and start finding solace in other people also in shitty places.
also it's gay soooooo not too much on my beloved huskerdust
#huskerdust#husker hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel character analysis#hazbin hotel loser baby#loser baby#angel dust#husker#husk
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hold on | J.Hughes
summary; just when Jack wants to give in, you tell him to hold on just a little longer
warnings; suicide, talks of death, ambulances, hospitals and substance abuse.
I took a more soft approach than I intended
Read at your own discretion
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Jack should feel so blessed.
He has a great family; his two brothers and parents doted on him from day one, he had his dream job that he’d worked on for years and his friends were the very best friends he could’ve ever asked for.
So why did he feel this way?
Why was he allowing a girl to break his heart and make him feel useless.
Jack Hughes. Useless.
Layla had told him over text that she had slept with her roommate while he was away on a road trip to California. Jake. Fucking Jake.
Jack knew he wasn’t gay, like Layla had told him so many times when he brought up their flirting.
Jack didn’t want to tell anyone what happened, not on the road. He didn’t want the pity stares and the second guessing of his game.
So he kept quiet throughout the roadie. His game tanked in San Jose, he heard the comments in the media;
fraud
fake
not good enough
There was a break in games when the devils returned home, leaving Jack to sit with his own thoughts. Layla had attempted to visit but he wouldn’t let her in.
He let the media consume him, the news articles and TikTok videos. All calling him out for not being good enough, he was a bust.
His feelings started almost subconsciously. When he was out at the store he would pick up bottles of painkillers as if he’d not bought bottles the day prior.
He began ‘forgetting’ to call and text his family and friends. His way of preparing them to never hear from him again.
People began to get concerned for him, he wasn’t himself.
A week into his depressive episode Jack tried to get back out there. He ventured to Raya.
He started talking to a model, she seemed nice and they organized a date only for him to show up and she couldn’t stop talking about followers and social media, how being with someone famous like Jack would do good for her.
Jack paid the bill and he left.
Just another girl who saw him as nothing more than just another pretty boy.
The bottles lined up on his bathroom counter, caps off as he stared at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and bloodshot and his palms were sure to have cuts from his grip on the marble countertop.
He took them, all of them.
The empty plastic bottles clattered against the floor once he’d tossed them, his chest heaving while they slipped down his windpipe.
He was sobbing and he wasn’t sure why. It felt right. To cry and mourn the life he was taking away.
It didn’t happen all at once. Jack expected it to happen faster but he felt fine.
He found his phone, texting ‘i love you’ to his friends and family. A few replied with similar
Others, his brother Quinn questioned him
what do you mean? what’s wrong?
Quinn called him. He declined.
Quinn called again. He declined again.
Quinn text. And again. And again.
When Jack declined Quinn’s call for a third time, he called 911.
“Hi yes my brother, he’s acting weird and I think — I think he could be hurting himself”
Jack sat on the bathroom floor as the pills slowly worked their way into his body, his fingers began getting numb and he became drowsy.
He didn’t know what was happening but he heard a lot of yelling and the door of the bathroom flew open.
On the other side of the door was you, chest heaving as you stared down at him
“My god, dude your doors are heavy!”
You dropped to your knees next to him, pulling out liquids and needles while you simultaneously turned jack towards the toilet bowl.
“Who?” Jack slurred.
“It’s okay sweetheart, I’m here to help. My names y/n, I’m a paramedic. I hear you’ve got an awfully concerned big brother” you explained, using the time he was distracted to slip the needle into his arm while held the liquids he was about to need.
“I Just, Go! I want to die!” He demanded, shoving you as much as he could.
You shook your head “I can’t let that happen Jack, You have so much to live for”
“No” he cries “I hate you, stop!”
You turn him towards the toilet bowl once more and you say “You’re about to hate me so much more”
And before he can question you, you shove two of your fingers into his mouth and hit the back of his throat. He gags and tries to pull your hands out but you grab the back of his head and stop him
“I’m sorry Jack, I hope you’ll forgive me at some point”
He’s puking all over your hand and although he’s in no position to, he feels embarrassed.
Once he has vomited a sufficient amount your second paramedic has arrived with the gurney.
“C’mon bud let’s go to the hospital” you mumble, helping him up. He holds onto you, his hands are shaking and you can hear him softly sobbing.
Your heart breaks for him as you watch him, confused, sit on the gurney and be strapped down.
When he’s loaded in, he’s looking around as if he’s looking for someone. You smile as you go to grab the keys from your partner when Jack reaches out and grabs your hand
“Please don’t leave me”
You nod, jumping in the back with him.
You sit in silence for a while, filling out forms and checking his meds until Jack breaks the silence
“You’re not gonna ask why I did it?”
You hum “It’s not my place to question you”
“You’re not curious?” He presses.
You sigh, putting down your clipboard
“Do you want me to ask? Do you want me to question why you, Jack, hate your life so much to want to end it? What, because you’re a hotshot hockey player you think mental health can’t touch you?” You reply.
Jack physically gulps “how did-“
“Jack, you’re worth so much in this world. More than hockey! You’re gonna be a dad one day and get married? You’ll take trips across the world with your friends and you’ll do loads of exciting shit!” You exclaim, the smile on your face put one on Jack’s
He looked down at his hands and you huffed before standing to adjust his saline bag
“It was a girl” he mumbled and you frowned
“Huh?”
“It was a girl that I was getting to depressed over”
You tut and sit back down on the bench
“She doesn’t know what she’s missing! You seem like a great guy Jack and you have a caring family, your brother was really worried about you is what dispatch said”
Jack’s lips created a thin line and he hummed before he said
“Do You do this a lot? You were really calm today”
You chuckled softly “You are the first suicide attempt I’ve ever been to and I am actually having a major panic attack internally right now”
“Oh” Jack’s mouth creates an O shape “Sorry about that”
You brush it off with a soft smile.
“You’ve got so much to live for Jack, I promise”
Once you’re at the hospital and he’s being pulled out of the ambulance he grabs your wrist once more, bringing your attention to him
“What do i have to live for? Tell me”
You give him a smile and hold his hand
“It’ll happen Jack, just hold on”
“C’mon baby, just hold on a couple more-“
“He’s here!”
You throw your head back and cry out “Jack! What does he-“
“He’s so perfect baby, he’s fucking beautiful” he cries, kissing your head repeatedly.
That night, the rooms quiet and jack is sitting in the chair next to you while your son sleeps soundly on the other side of the room.
You look over to Jack and give a sleepy smile
He smiles back and said “was this it?”
“Was this what?”
“Me holding on. Was this what I was holding on for?”
Your face drops remembering that day
“Was It worth it? What I described?”
“It Was everything and more, thank you for saving my life in more ways than one”
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hi erm i dont know why im asking but what is all for the game? like ive seen alot about it and i really want to consume this piece of media but i also do not know what it is at all?? pls help
ah jeez. aftg is complicated yet the best thing that’s ever happened to me fandom-wise. worst thing to happen to me productivity-wise. first books called the foxhole court, then the Raven king, then the ravens men. there’s physical copies of the books, but i haven’t ever seen it sold at any bookstore ever, only off of Amazon, but the kindle prices are real cheap and you can find almost any book online free via questionable websites.
all for the game is a book trilogy centred around a runaway w loads of trauma, but he’s running away from his kinda mob boss dad—gasp— which may be off putting but it’s like you don’t think of it as a mafia book it’s just a book that has bad guys who happen to be the mafia. i don’t think that’s a spoiler.
it’s also centered around made up sport, but it doesn’t feel like it’s centered around to but it totally is. it also doesn’t feel made up? like it’s not fantasy it’s just not real.
its gay, which you probably know if you’ve seen any fan art, but it’s not really sweet gays it’s kinda course and gritty but absolutely lovely and heartwarming. but also I have hazy memory bc I read the trilogy in a week but im pretty sure that only gets started midway through the series, so it’s not the WHOLE plot but it’s like a portion of it. their relationship isn’t really problematic, it’s basically the opposite, and all the angst is in the plot and characters themselves rather than how they interact w each other.
speaking of, this trilogy covers A LOT of heavy heavy topics, I’d say what was most off putting for me was the past rape and pedophilia which is touched on pretty briefly but at the same time very largely, but im sure somewhere there’s a list of tws somewhere if youre at all concerned about that.
it’s a fun read! it’s not at all too long (i mean, you read the goldfinch, not at all on the same level as that regarding word count im pretty sure) and i hear it reads like a fanfic, which might be why i consumed it so fast. it has no fantasy or sci fi, its basically a novel or slice of life I guess. i don’t really know the proper terms. there’s action that comes in the form of some violence, but i think most action is really on the exy (made up sport) court. oh also im pretty sure there’s an on page bj and the like. but no sex.
if I knew you in physical life I wouldn’t rec you this bc a) u might read it and hate it and it would ruin me and embarrass me b) u might read it and find it mediocre and it would ruin me and embarrass me c) you don’t read it and I feel annoying and finally d) u love it and it ruins you.
anywho, I hope u have a fun day/night, idk your time zone, and happy reading/non reading/watching. Thank you for giving me a reason to rant about my little obsession on this random monday evening! hope this helped/was what you were looking for
#damn sorry it’s so long#once I get started it seems I cannot shut up#look even now im still talking#it’s been two hours me shut up#also sorry I take any opportunity to rant over my obsessions#aftg#all for the game#nora sakavic#the foxhole court#the raven’s men#the raven king#also sry abt some of the text lingo that might’ve slipped through I was texting my friend (let’s be real. my crush) when I crafted this#and she went to be already and I’m way too tired to edit
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I never thought I'd be obsessing over Neon Genesis Evangelion, especially when the fandom is so empty. All for a little white haired dude that appears in one episode. It's been so bad that I've consumed every form of media I possibly could of him. I have rewatched the entire anime, watched the rebuilds, reread the manga, and read all the spinoffs I could possibly get my hands on, read interviews relating to him, listened to the CD/cassette dramas, and watched hours worth if videos analyzing his character. I've been doing all of this instead of my school work.
I love Kaworu so much. He is literally just a little gay moon alien. He did nothing wrong, it's not his fault he is so silly. The franchise did him so dirty. He deserves everything. All he wanted was for Shinji to love him back and he didn't even get that.
I cant wait for this obsession be over. It's sucking the life out of me. Take some random images I have of him on Pinterest lol.
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Postmortem: #CrushedVN Edition
Okie doke y'all! It's been some time so I guess we're good to dissect this project!
(I almost didn't bother with writing this up, but at the end of the day I do the dev diaries and the random--game development related--posts for me to look back on and prove I'm learning. Getting better. Not regressing. So. Might as well move forward!)
Background/Inspiration
It's like if you took my late 2022 brain and threw it into a blender!! Most of these are self-explanatory (Boys Love media I adore with emphasis on early to late teen experiences.) Let me draw your attention to The Edge Of Seventeen: not sure how many times I've rewatched, but it makes me tear up every single time. Main character Nadine is awkward AF, still hasn't come to terms with the death of her father years prior, isn't on the best terms with her mom or her older brother, and even ends up on rocky terms with her best friend too!! Anyway, that feeling of being young, and a little angry and a little sad and not feeling quite right on the inside but eventually reaching a place where things fiiiiiinally start to work out...it's just a sliver of what I wanted to capture and infuse into Crushed.
Listen y'all, I just pulled and pulled and pulled from real life experiences. I was inspired by authors Julian Winters, Leah Johnson, and Jay Coles' works (all Young Adult authors LOL! Fitting since I seem to be creating things for the teens at this juncture in my life). This all provided the base for Corey and his inner world. Also, I've been wanting to create a bookworm character...no time like the present right???
As for deciding to specifically create a boys' love visual novel of all things?? First, y'all must understand that I fought the original idea and anything related to it. This was coming off the heels of me suddenly seeing (another) wave of players throwing fits about indie games forcing you to play as a femme character. First off, no one is forcing you to do anything. Secondly, we are still at a point in video games where the majority of characters you play as are male. Forgive some of us for wanting a little variety 😑Thirdly, for those looking for games where there's even more inclusivity (choosing pronouns, playing as nonbinary/trans, and etc) I really wish that players would seek out those games that ARE being made and support them so the developers don't lose steam and drop their projects. It's so disheartening to make something that's meant to be consumed and BOOM, silence.
Anyway, all of that to say that as a developer herself who's tired of watching girls' media be regulated as Less Than, made fun of, and just overall disrespected, I wasn't interested in making any games that didn't center a female character. But back to my main point!!!
I had Heartstopper, the webtoon, infecting my brain. I was so not immune to falling in love with Nick and Charlie like everybody else. But then I was hit for the 34573847th time that I was engaging with white queer media. And I knew that if Nick and Charlie were Black Brits, they wouldn't be getting half the attention they are now. Even less if the boys were girls and we had a sapphic relationship on our hands. (But that sapphic story from Hummingbird Games is still brewing, and Corey and Jacob's story was ready first.)
Also....the biphobia is real. It's insidious. I could write a whole book about how the straights and the gays need to get their shit together. I could then write a sequel about how the Black community can be some of the worst offenders when it comes to our Bi Fam and say some of the most ignorant and devastating things. But I had limited time on my hands and decided to write a short VN instead. Once I let Corey just be, exist as the person he is, everything fell into place.
Things That Went Right...
I took a very niche, very Specific To Me, very nestled in the space between my heart and my brain and wrote a script just so I could be a part of a game jam specifically highlighting and supporting the work of Black game developers.
And I submitted the bitch on time.
I'm always down for anxiety rep!!! As a fellow anxiety haver, I say the more visibility the better!!! At the same time, it's not a one size fits all, and there were some things I dealt with that I'd never seen depicted and I figured I might as well be true to my experiences. Maybe someone would take solace in Corey the way I've taken solace in other characters for reflecting my lived experiences.
I tried new things I was scared of or didn't have time for with HSD or didn't feel confident enough to sit and learn previously: partial voice acting (and holding auditions to incorporate more), a text message system (which wasn't my own but part of learning to code for me means being able to take what others have done and replicate and/or use it myself), and implementing music and sound effects with intention. I've done it with film, but games are a close cousin in a lot of ways. A LOT of ways. I should remember that.
I still didn't do too well in the marketing department but for this game, it didn't feel like a failure. I also didn't really try. Oops. I've got to do better. I went into Crushed knowing it wouldn't have half the audience HSD does, and yet the feedback I've received for Crushed has made me want to break down into tears of relief.
I launched the game around 10 something at night my time and proceeded to be sick with anxiety for about 3 days. For three whole days I legit felt like I was going to die. And then I wanted to laugh because didn't I just make a game to express a version of the human condition?
Things That Were Different...
HSD showed off my skills when it comes to intensive planning and sticking mostly to that plan. Crushed was a jam entry that became more extensive over time and found me flying off the seat of my pants.
I also had less (aha, zero???) budget this time around. Because again. Jam entry. It wasn't supposed to be a Big Affair. But now that it's over and out to you guys, I'm not mad. You could say that it all worked out.
If I Could Go Back, I Would...
For one, I would have smacked the voice in my head that said "let's add more voice acting now". I love the feature, but there's no reason why I couldn't have done auditions after release. I was impatient and restless waiting for art assets, and my idleness led me to take on more things just to not feel useless. I Have Learned My Lesson, thanks.
I Had The Pleasure of Learning...
There will always be an obstacle in the way of game development. (And sometimes your body will be your own worst enemy, yuck.)
I don't know who my audience is (yet) for HBG but I'm always a part of it. And that's not a bad thing. If I hadn't felt so strongly about Crushed or even HSD, neither project would have happened because I would have given up a long time ago.
To the Future...
Empasis on future, but the world of Crushed isn't exhausted. It lives in the bigger universe of HSD:JY but took on a life of its own. So it's no surprise that Corey and his friends became even more precious to me. Not that I know when I'll be able to work on it, but right after finishing and publishing the demo, I outlined a rough draft for a kinetic novel sequel told through Jacob's POV. In my head, Corey's story was always half of a whole, and busting out Jacob's outline so quickly confirmed that.
(What I didn't anticipate was how loved Oke and Keegan would be, or that there would be a want for their story outside of myself??? Between us and this postmortem, I hope to sort out their deal and get the satisfaction of seeing another type of love story/dynamic I can't get enough of and share it!)
Closing Thoughts
The comments I've gotten concerning Crushed and noting the appreciation for its slice-of-life/grounded-ness is reassuring! Maybe I'll branch out to other genres, but realism will be something I always come back to. Also, making Crushed wasn't too traumatic soooooo that means I'm still making games LOL! Can't get rid of me yet!
- Gemini 💛
(some links of other posts where I went on tangents concerning the creation of Crushed; these can also be found by searching the tag "crushed vn"!)
Music Inspo and Crushed
Memes Tag Game
Game Dev Commentary: Bonus Content
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Bengiyo's Queer Media Syllabus
For those who are not aware, I have decided to run the gauntlet of @bengiyo’s Queer Cinema Syllabus and have officially started Unit 1: Coming of Age Post Moonlight. The films in Unit 1 are Pariah (2011), Get Real (1998), Edge of Seventeen (1998), My Own Private Idaho (1991), and Mysterious Skin (2004)
Today I will be writing about:
Edge of Seventeen (1998) dir. David Moreton
[Available on: Kanopy, Archive, Amazon, Run Time: 1:44]
Summary: A teenager copes with his sexuality on the last day of school in 1984. It shows him coping with being gay and being with friends. (from IMDB)
Cast:
Chris Stafford as Eric, the main character
Tina Holmes as Maggie, Eric’s best friend/girlfriend-ish?
Anderson Gabrych as Rod, Eric’s gay awakening
Lea DeLaria as Angie, former work supervisor of Eric, Maggie, and Rod at their summer job.
__
I had some firsts with this film. This was the first film in the syllabus that had identifiable tropes that carry through some of the BLs, which makes sense as this syllabus was designed as a progression in to BL. But most importantly, this was the first film in the syllabus that made me truly understand how important it was for me to work my way through these films, and that comes down to the surrounding conversation I had with @bengiyo and @shortpplfedup, when I expressed absolute shock and awe that a film from 1998 had two men shoving their tongues down each other’s throats, mouthing at penises through pants, massaging bare asses on screen, mentioning/simulating rimming, showing and actually using lube.
I decided to work my way through this syllabus because growing up I a) didn’t know I was queer or at the very least b) did not admit to myself I was queer, c) did not have any out queer people in my family and d) did not have any our queer elders in my surrounding life. Therefore every single piece of queer cinema or television that I consumed was something that I just happened to stumble across, or that I had potentially seen someone post about on tumblr. Thus, there is a wealth of queer cinema that I never knew existed.
In the past few years I have reflected a lot on how little history I know about my community. I have thought about lines in The Inheritance play where older gay men are discussing how baby gays just Simply Do Not Understand but also how they don’t know the names of important and influential people in the community, we may all know Stonewall, but honestly until a year or so ago I could not name a single other important moment in US queer history. I don’t like how much I am missing because I didn’t know myself and didn’t have anyone around to learn it from.
All of this to say, I wanted to watch more queer cinema because I didn’t know what was out there, and in doing so I have realized how important it is to me to see these glimpses of history in what was allowed, acceptable, tolerated, made visible, and the level to which queer characters were humanized and treated with empathy and compassion.
Anyway, I was watching this film and DMing Ben and Nini about it and when I expressed surprise that they were going this far in a film from over 20 years ago, they said the following (independent of each other):
“I realize you came of age after 9/11, but you truly have no idea how hard this nation regressed”
“Ah the halcyon days of the 90’s before the weird post-911 puritanical backlash”
So, naturally a conversation begun around society, art, and culture and how it change between the 90s and 2000s (@shortpplfedup). How military service and gay marriage were compromises compared to what queer people were pushing for before 9-11 (@bengiyo). And that is when I was struck with the understanding that I needed to go through this syllabus. For the sake of understanding what art and culture and queerness was like before 9-11. For the sake of understanding just how far film and television have regressed in the US when it comes to queerness and how it is portrayed, how frequently, and in what contexts in film and television.
And there are little moments in this film that I see nodding to queer history, the most visually striking one for me being the shot of the back of a record holder that had a pink triangle as its design. That feels extremely intentional to me.
It is also the first film in the syllabus I’ve seen that contains trends/tropes utilized in BL. First being where a boy, left unattended, grabs the nearest article of his crush’s clothing and smells it. The way the enter the final sex scene in this film by focusing initially on the feet, which I have seen done a number of times in the BLs that I have watched (l just finished You’re My Sky today and they imply sex through foot position, you can see it in the trailer for Only Friends as well). But unlike most of the BLs, I’ve watched that utilize that imagery due to rating requirements or censorship, THE CAMERA KEEPS GOING and you’ve got bare, hairy asses, all the hip you could possibly want, and two men practically eating each other’s faces. I see so many echos of Teh and Tarn’s relationship to one another reflected in the dynamic between Eric and Maggie.
I guess I don’t have much else say about the film itself except that it is very clearly created by people who are queer, who get it, who understand what Rod is saying when he says he likes Madonna, how you can immediately tell that Eric is going to a gay club when he pulls up to the parking lot of Universal Fruits and Nuts. The way the exterior of that building feels very different from what is inside, and made me think a bit about speakeasies. The shirt Eric wears when he comes out being a disassembled, abstracted face, his brother wearing a That’s The American Way t-shirt. You know what the film is trying to tell us about Eric’s identity based on which female musical artists he has on his wall.
Like the other two films I have seen in Unit 1, the ending of the film is the most striking, lingering part for me. Eric comes out to his mother in the following exchange:
Eric says “I’m gay” \\ in the quietest voice she has, his mother says “I know” Eric and his mother hug* and she asks him“What did I do wrong?” she lets go and moves to the other end of the living room \\ Eric looks devastated says* “I love you” \\ she turns to look at him and says “I don’t know how to handle this”.
In that initial “I’m gay” \\ “I know” exchange be followed by a nice, warm hug, there was a spark of hope in me that this would be a coming out that his parent would handle gracefully (despite the other moments in the film where she starts to suspect and question him). I thought for the briefest of seconds that her question “What did I do wrong?” was her asking Eric how she had misstepped in ways that he was worried about coming out to her. But in about the same amount of time that it took for Eric to process the question, I realized a much deeper, more painful thread was being called to the surface: “What did I do wrong [to make you gay?]”
This feels like an admission a la Mol in 180 Degrees, telling Wang that she is, in fact, disappointed that he is gay. And you can see the way it impacts Eric. And silly me, I should never for a second thought that this coming out might go over flawlessly, because this story and parts of gay culture and gay sex that are included in this film indicate to me there are queer people behind the story. Which means the way that Eric’s mother handles the coming out is so much more likely to be realistic. Parent and child both confirming that they love each other, but their child still being hurt by their parent’s inability to understand and figure out how to handle new information like that spoke directly to how the conversation between me and my mother went when I came out.
But even more important to me than that scene, than the complexity that comes from loving someone and not knowing how to reconcile love and homophobia, is that life goes on. Eric leaves the house, and ends up back at the gay club, surrounded by queer elders, seeing a boy he has a crush on, and smiling and enjoying himself with his community while he listens to his friend sing the words “nothing but blue skies from now on”. Which just feels…idk, so goddamn real? Carrying the pain of rejection with you but being determined to find joy in the people who accept you, despite how much the rejection may hurt.
I place this film in the by, for, about category
In general, I would have given this show an 8.5/10, but with the inclusion of poppers, blow jobs, rimming, use of condoms, and the first fucking inclusion of lube in any gay sex scenes I’ve ever seen on screen, I’m bumping it up to a 9.
Favorite Moment:
The Redi-Whip can spraying in Eric's hand after Rod says something out of pocket.
Favorite Quote:
Eric: “I guess I thought if I came out, everything would get easier”
Angie: *immediately bursts out laughing*
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I need to know why and how you were anti-phannie from 2014-2016
alright here we go i get to talk about THIS shit now.
i was generally anti-rpf at that point, and honestly? i think it was for fair enough reasons as some people were a bit too eager about showing (general) youtubers stories they wrote about them sucking and fucking their friends. i think i was also pretty high and mighty about being a somewhat oldhead phannie tbh, like ugh do these gaming-channel-only people even know about dan being super edgy and offensive 🙄 and lowkey it was a lot of subtly misogynistic "i'm not like other girls" type shit like i was sooo much better than yall cuz i hadn't watched that video (yet.)
i was generally not into these sorts of fandoms to begin with. i wasnt on the superwhopotterlock side, i was on the homestuck/dangan ronpa/anime of the month side of tumblr, if that gives you an idea of what i was like lol. around 2014-15 i was very much in a community that is kinda similar to what you might see on twitter now, where if you had any interests in media that portrayed anything problematic, that means you are in full support of that problematic thing. if dan howell said something racist in 2010, it doesn't matter that he wasn't being racist in 2015 he's still racist and liking him makes you a racist etc. and of course, rpf is included in problematic topics. if you ship real people, even if said people say they don't mind it, you are a sick pervert and you should be in the loony bin for being so depraved. and if you write or read any fiction that has immoral acts, it means you support those acts in real life too and you are trying to normalize abuse and SA (yknow as if whitecishetpatriarchy hasnt normalized that enough) and you're a danger to children and you deserve to rot in prison (yknow as if a queer person writing stories about queer people hasnt heard that one before)
now here's the real kicker. in 2015-2017 i ran a game grumps fan blog where i did talk about shipping the grumps. "wait how were you anti-rpf if-" well have you ever heard of this thing called Lying? or perhaps even, Cognitive Dissonance? i HAD to run a separate blog for this interest, because if my friends knew i consumed slashfic about arin and danny they would stop being friends with me and think im this evil horrible monster etc. genuinely that was where my brain was at, and is a little bit the reason i decided to this day, to make my phannie accounts completely separate from my main accounts.
nowadays, none of my non-phannie friends actually give a fuck and i do occasionally talk about dnp being silly gay white boys w them! at this point i dont post about em on main just out of respect like "hey im sure you dont actually want to hear about british yaoi constantly regardless of our level of friendship so i'll keep it over here okay?"
also, yeah i grew out of thinking consuming media with deplorable acts makes me deplorable. my favorite tv show is hannibal. i know its shocking, but i dont actually support serial killer cannibals. i will say, i dont fuck with "pro/anti" language with regards to what is considered "problematic" or having that be an identity marker. i think that people are free to write fiction as they please so long as its all properly tagged for people who dont enjoy that kind of content to avoid. but i also think there can be and often are problems in the way these stories are written, and yeah if all the romance stories you read growing up involve some sort of force or danger, that CAN normalize this sort of action as inherent to romance stories/real life romance. but i think thats an issue with like, society at large, and it's not on an individual fic writer to be educating teens who read their dead dove fic despite the explicit rating and tags.
TL;DR: BASICALLY. I WAS A DUMBASS KNOW-IT-ALL BUT DW I GOT BETTER.
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Okay here’s my haute new modern au concept. So Rathalas is some bullshit where Dalinar does a hit and run and gets away with it but the person he hits and runs does not press charges but the guilt consumes him AND ALSO him and Evi get divorced and Evi moves back to Washington state (modern au Rira) and Adolin and Renarin elect to stay with Dalinar in Miami (modern au Kholinar) because 1. They have family there that they are really close to (Dalinar is going to rely on Gavilar and Navani pretty heavily for, like, babysitting and stuff. You know. For Reasons) 2. They have friends there 3. Adolin and Renarin go to a really fancy private k-8 school and Renarin is there on Gifted Kid Scholarship so it would really be a waste for him to move across the country. Okay. You with me so far? Good.
Newly divorced, Dalinar has Sadeas move in because surprise surprise like 60% of the reason Dalinar and Evi got a divorce is because Dalinar was fucking Sadeas on the side. Now, I’m almost positive gay marriage wasn’t legal in Florida back then so they don’t get Married but they are openly a “couple” although their relationship is very much still like 80% physical above all else. Adolin makes like 20 posts a day on his. God what social media was popular with middle schoolers in 2010. Facebook? He makes 20 posts a day on his Facebook account that are like I HATE MY STEPDAD!!!!!!!‼︎ because he and Sadeas have beef. Renarin is just sort of chilling through all this cuz he’s 8 and he has more important shit to worry about like getting enough accelerated reading points to make it to the class pizza party. Does private school do accelerated reading and/or pizza parties? Whatever.
I think there’s a period of time near the end of the washed up dilf era where Adolin is like ENOUGH my dad is drunk so often that he’s never there for me and my stepdad is literally Sadeas so FUCK this I’m moving in with Uncle Gavilar and Aunt Navani!!!‼︎ but that’s not much better because Gavilar and Navani fucking hate each other and argue all the time so there’s just always yelling. Plus he has to share a room with Elhokar which fucking sucks because Elhokar is a shit roommate. That lasts like a year until Gavilar dies of some sort of rapid onset rapidly fatal cancer and fucking dies
After that Dalinar goes to rehab and genuinely turns his life around (with a little help from Cultivation lmaoooo) and from then on things with him and Sadeas are. Strained. But Dalinar really wants to Make It Work. Adolin moves back in with Dalinar but still makes posts on his tumblr every day about hating his stepdad. Navani tries to hit on Dalinar frequently and this makes Dalinar genuinely uncomfortable. Eventually Sadeas has a heart attack and Adolin is there but doesn’t call 911 and so Sadeas dies and it’s technically Adolin’s fault but who cares
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A bit ago you asked for podcast app recommendations. Do you have any recommendations for podcasts to listen to?
These are all the ones I listen to, I'll add a little summary for each one if that's alright.
Stuff You Missed in History Class: This podcast has been going for over a decade, starting in 2008. The format has changed since its inception and honestly, you don't need to go through the entire playlist (unless you want to!). Each episode is about a certain event, figure, or theme from history with show notes that cite their sources, and the hosts are very upfront about where and how they got their information. Some of these subjects are two-parters, but that's the exception and not the rule mostly. I enjoy learning about new things from history or, if I know the bare basics of them, I enjoy learning more in depth information. My suggestion is to just scroll through and see what topic interests you.
Criminalia: This is another history podcast, but each season focuses on a certain type of crime, with each episode focusing on someone in that theme. At the end of each episode, the hosts also make up a cocktail and mocktail inspired by the subject that day. (The first two seasons don't have mocktails because they only realized how popular a non-alcoholic version would be after season three where they made mocktails to go with the "imposter" theme and they got really good feedback about it.) Some of the seasons are hit or miss for me, but even if I don't necessarily like the theme, the episode is still good to listen to from a learning standpoint.
DNA: ID: One of my true crime podcasts. I like this one because it focuses more on how DNA testing has solved cold cases using genetic genealogy. I also appreciate that the host doesn't use full names to protect the privacy of a lot of people in the story. She uses full names for victims and perpetrators, and some family, but people who turned out not to be involved in the case are given initials. My only beef is that she does so much research on the cases, but she doesn't extend that to learning how to pronounce some non-English names. However, otherwise, she does treat each case with a lot of gravity and respect, so. Idk. She's recently started interspersing solved cases with cases seeking more information on recently identified Does so that's pretty cool.
Dear Hank & John: It's a comedy podcast about death, where two brothers give you dubious advice and bring you all the news about both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. They're currently on a "we'll update if Hank feels like it" schedule because Hank is currently going through chemotherapy but they have 372 episodes to tide you over in the meantime. I enjoy it a lot because I enjoy the Green brothers' sense of humor, and on the occasions that one of the brothers is away for something, their guest host is always interesting.
Good Assassins: Part historical, part true crime. I've only just started this one so I'm gonna copy and paste the summary because I don't think otherwise I would do it justice: A spy story. A detective case. The mission was simple: to arrange the death of one man. The goal was to send a message to all Nazi fugitives around the world: "we can find you and we can kill you." This is the true story of an undercover mission to hunt down a savage Nazi murderer who helped Hitler’s forces kill 30,000 men, women, and children. The survivors gave him a name after the Holocaust: The Butcher of Latvia. The spies would travel halfway around the world to carry out the sentence. The mission wasn’t for one life. It was for 6 million.
Welcome to Night Vale: This was the first queer media I consumed since I watched Tara die in BtVS. I was tired of kill your gays so I simply didn't consume any queer content. This show simultaneously healed me and hollowed me out for all the other shows that could have been this good. I like each story line, I like the additional novels, and I like the weather. This is my comfort show. I start it from the beginning every time I catch up to the recent updates.
Good Morning Night Vale: The official recap show of WtNV. It's hosted by Meg Bashwiner (she voices Deb, a sentient patch of haze), Symphony Sanders (she voices Tamika Flynn, the former teenage militia leader, current City Counsel member), and Hal Lublin (he voices Steve Carlsberg, Cecil's brother-in-law). I feel like I'm hanging out with friends talking about Night Vale when I listen to it. :) I think if you like recap shows, it's a good one.
The Murder Chronicles: Ngl I started this in season one where it was called The Shadow Girls, which I started because it was advertised as a deep dive into the Green River Killer's victims instead of just being about him. I was interested because the host was in the same age range as GRK's victims and she talks extensively about how scary it was for girls her age at the time. She also goes into how the police failed the victims and why, and also how it affected her. It also has a push for one of the victims to get the reward she was promised for turning Ridgway in. It felt like a cause. The second season is more about other true crimes which is... fine. Doesn't have the same heart that the first season did, but does include interviews with the detectives who worked on the cases, though, which I find interesting. Idk it's not really doing much for me anymore so I might drop it.
Scene of the Crime: Delphi: This is a podcast that (ostensibly) focuses on one case per season, but it's literally just one season and then a ton of advertisements from other podcasts from their company. That being said, they went forward with the families' permission, including numbers for people to leave tips to the police. Since they have the permission of the family (and interviews with some family members, even) it's one of the few that I'm comfortable with. That being said, I'm only subscribed to it still in case there's another update in the case. They don't seem to have published any episodes in a while.
These are the ones I listen to on Amazon Music, which are all true crime:
Cold: It's a narrative podcast focused on missing persons cases. It's got three seasons-- Season one is about Susan Powell, season two is about Joyce Yost, and season three is about Sheree Warren. They're well-researched and use recordings from the victims/perpetrators which is very interesting. The host seems to have permission from the families (at least the first season seems so) but even if he didn't, he doesn't make emotionally charged statements. He states the facts. I'd even go so far as to say the most emotion he ever shows is when he talks about why Susan Powell's case means so much to him.
Suspect: It's an investigative series about mislaid justice and the kinds of weighty decisions that detectives, lawyers, and jurors make every day - decisions that, once made, are almost impossible to reverse. Both of these seasons are incredibly interesting, including interviews with people involved in the cases. There hasn't been a new episode since February, but it's still a good show to go back to, I think.
Killer Psyche Daily: This podcast is hosted by former FBI profiler Candice DeLong, who I'd actually heard of (worked on the Unabomber case). It's a short, daily podcast (tenish minutes per podcast) where she draws on her years of experience to break down current criminal cases for laymen to understand, look back on historic crimes, and share insight on how the mind of a killer works. On one hand, it definitely errs on the side of police. However, she was also law enforcement, so it makes sense and doesn't really annoy me. On the other hand, she also has a lot of insight on the psychology of criminals, and she has guests on regularly who also have a lot of information to add to current cases who don't come across as pro-police.
There are a handful of others that I've listened to on and off but obviously they haven't really stuck with me.
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okay i’ll ask you, when did you first get into It? was it the novel or another adaption? what do you think it is about the story that you love so much?
omgg!!! thanks for the ask joeover!!!!!!!! this is very cool i feel like im being interrogated in a good way
this is actually a really interesting story. so it was october and me and my roommate and my friend were doing a study session, but we also wanted to watch something for the season. watch some spooky movies, as you do. and my roomie was like, "oh have you seen IT (2017)?" and i was like, 'no". and so she was like, "it's pretty good. the second one is weird though"... and put it on.
now, dear asker, i'm not one to be into horror movies at all. im also not one to like a media like IT that much - most of the stuff I'm really in love with is mostly meant to be a comedy. i wasn't even paying that much attention to it at first while it played (i even made a really mean joke about not knowing who stan was cause he had such little lines). but when im exposed to a new media, i can't NOT put my attention on it if it catches my eye and consume it and have thoughts about it. so i started paying attention and i really liked the movie.
more than that though, i could already feel the potential of a fixation coming on. it was at the tail end of my asssassins creed fixation, so it was almost perfectly timed. when i get these sensations, i can never predict like what it's going to be, and i can almost NEVER go into something knowing im going to fixate on it. it just happens at random. and i guess i can choose to indulge or not, and my brain was like - "you heard about richie tozier being gay. watch the second one". and i did. and that's when i launched into the full fixation.
after that, i bought the novel (and read the whole thing jesus christ) and got involved with the community. i joined a reddie server and met Angel and Sunny who are honestly some of my best friends and the most talented people ever... I mean, you guys probably know Angel's comic Out of the Blue - and Sunny writes for their ORIGINAL comic. and i also met River, Reb, Bear, and Moony - we formed our fake little "losers club". everything i talked about, they matched my energy. we were always on the same wavelength and they were always incredibly kind people, and we STILL talk everyday as part of our routines. i know so much about them now. i 've even seen their mug collections and know all their pets by name haha. I EVEN GOT TO GET A BEAR HUG FROM IRL BEAR!!! seriously got besties for life from this stupid movie.
to answer that last part of the question - i think what intrigues me about IT is simply the Losers dynamic. Usually a story is about dynamics where one relationship is more important than the others. Typically it's the romance. but in IT, you get 7 people deeply in love with each other with all different but ALL VERY INTEGRAL dynamics. bill and eddie, bev and richie, stan and bev, mike and bill, ben and eddie - like every dynamic is SO juicy and also EQUALLY as valued. that type of found family where nobody in the canon plays favorites is incredibly rare. I think that's why my love for reddie started to fade, honestly, because i felt like a lot of people valued their romance higher than all the other dynamics. and that's my FAVORITE part of the series and what generally fuels my art. : )
hope this was interesting to you! : D thanks for the ask and letting me talk about myself for a little bit. was very nice of you. <3
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GGWM - Get Giffy With Me
I am not professing to be anything even remotely resembling good at giffing, but I got a little message from @thisautistic (hope you don't mind the @, bb! I'll remove if you prefer) asking about how I did my Jay Does Corporate Pride bold gays Ayan set. We quickly realised I can't do anything concisely, and so was born this idea.
All my secrets laid bare. Not that I consider anything here a secret. Go ahead and steal my methods. Steal them. Run with them. They're yours now.
Specifically, I'm going to talk about background isolation and boosting, here, but I'm gonna start a new gif from scratch and show the steps to getting there.
So, I have Photoshop 2020. Or 21. I don't really know. That's the only tool I'll be using, other than the empty cereal box I call a brain.
We're going from this to this. (These are very, very quick and dirty, but they're for demonstrative purposes.)
And this to this.
Annoyingly, I think I prefer the "bad" example, but anyway.
Fair warning: this post is exactly as chaotic as you'd expect it to be, considering it's me writing it and I wrote it in an hour... which includes the time spent making the gifs.
Are there easier ways? Probably.
Let's go!
1. CAP SELECTION.
I have the entirety of The Eclipse capped already, but you'll want to cap your scenes if you haven't already. I prefer working with caps rather than video clips - they both have pros and cons, and I can talk about that some other time if anyone wants me to.
I'm doing two gifs for this little tutorial-turned-dissertation - one that's easy peasy to colour for the purposes of Corporate Pride, and one that makes me want to consume my own elbows. For comparison, or something.
First thing to consider, is if the background is a feature, you want your subject to stay fucking still Kanaphan I swear to god.
You also want to pick something with fairly good contrast. I hate black/white and otherwise relatively neutral backgrounds because they're so difficult to make look natural, but something already predominantly coloured? Lemon squeezy, baby.
2. IDENTIFY COLOURS.
I've taken the easy route and picked green, which is almost always going to contrast nicely with skin tones and makes my life easier, and purple which I have many many issues with, but also contrasts.
Also, this step isn't massively important, it just helps. For example, I didn't know I was going to use green for the First gif until I boosted a bunch of colours and realised how green that rock face behind him is.
I tend to use my beloveds Selective Colour and Colour Balance rather than curves. I don't understand curves. I only use it if I have to lighten something.
3. QUICK AND DIRTY BASIC GIF TUTORIAL ft. my boy Pawin:
Timeline> Video Timeline> Add Media> put in your frames, change your frame delay. Boom, basic gif. Or, to get particularly meta... gif gif tutorial!
What a babe. 🥰
And no, I can't explain why he's here. I have two perfectly fucked up gifs to fuck up, but I chose to spend 60 seconds of my life making a Pawin gif just for this.
4. COLOURING!!!
Go nuts. But here's my process for the Akk gif in specific.
This tells you precisely nothing, but it was fun to make.
I have no idea how to share the specific settings other than to give you the .psd. So as soon as I figure that out, you can have it. I don't recommend using the psd for any and all gifs, because my approach to colouring is interpretive at best, but I really don't care all that much so. Do what you like. S'what I do.
Not included in this: cropping/resizing, my sharpening action, swearing about First, apologising to First, laughing at the fact I changed his shirt colour entirely, swearing at First some more, shrugging and saying, "That'll do."
5. COLOUR FILL / BRUSH / OVERLAY
So, all of this is for this one step.
Here I will demonstrate why white/neutral backgrounds can suck unless you're looking for that particular effect.
For something like the gifset I made, I wanted to punch people in the face with colour, so I had to use scenes with backgrounds I could lean on. In the Akk gif, I noticed the green after fucking around with the colour balance (I tend to boost shadows blue or red, then highlights cyans, but I've been known to go wacky. I leave mid tones alone... for the most part.) so that's what I decided to lean into. When I started this little ramble 500 years ago, I was originally planning on orange. How fickle fate is.
Anyway! I prefer using brushes rather than a full colour-fill layer, because I feel like it gives me greater control. I also prefer adding colour gradually rather than starting with a block. So, I use either a large soft brush at 50% opacity, or a watercolour brush at 100% because it's semi transparent anyway.
I'll use broad strokes - I ain't here for detail work. Set it to Overlay or Soft Light, whichever floats ya boat. And then rather than erase anything, I'll create a layer mask and, using the same brush, splodge it around til nobody's face is green.
And then on the off chance things are eye-burningly saturated by the time I finish other colouring things, I'll just go kill the opacity on the overall colour layer. Like seu~
You have no idea the strength it's taking to not go back and redo this entire tutorial because I've taken too much yellow out of his skin and it's bugging the shit out of me.
This is a fake tutorial, Jay. Breathe.
TO KHAOTUNG!
I am man enough to admit I stole my own damn .psd for the other gif. I literally used the same settings other than futzing about with the neutral balance to try and get some kind of colour undertone.
This is the second gif with just the colouring, no additional fill or overlay:
Isn't he pretty? Don't we love him? I love him. He's so asjdkfhg. Ugh.
Anyway. I figured there was sort of a blue/purple tone. Knowing what I do, I know it's gonna be way too pale for what I want, and he also moves quite far across the frame, so it's gonna be a pain in the arse if I want to go SUPER saturated with any colour background,but this is a demonstration and nothing more.
I could use Linear Burn instead of Overlay but I always get annoyed at it. Because I am a deeply rational person.
Anyway, the point of the above is to kind of show that sometimes u just gotta leave a massive puddle of colourlessness around someone's head if they're moving a lot. I've gotten away with it in this case because it's pale, but if I tried to put any further boost to the saturation, it'd look insane:
I HOPE THIS HELPS
I apologise for my incoherence. It makes sense to me. Which should worry us all.
Anyway, final gifs:
+
Rejects of my War On Purple, because I promised those. Notice how they're all white, black or neutral (dark brown/red) backgrounds? Rage.
#i had far too much fun making this#it's entirely possible i'm slightly manic#i have no idea how to tag this#my gifs#i guess? i'm going to hate coming across this later but lmao#trust the process#even if the process is screaming and sliding sliders around til someone looks human again#adventures in gifmaking
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You mentioned 'one of' your cardinal rule about full frontals in response to the GOT HotD ask. So, do you have more rules? What are the reasons behind them? And how do you figure something like female full frontal but no equivalent male full frontal out in advance?
--
I don't have a conscious set of rules for the most part. I guess I could sum it up by saying it's mainstream US culture + bad values + not my id.
GoT was popular enough that info like that was easy to acquire by osmosis. If I'm interested in a show, I'll watch it unspoiled, and if it has my dealbreakers, I'll be mad, but that's life.
I guess there's nothing that's an absolute dealbreaker in literally all cases. There could always be some other element that would overrule my usual refusal.
But in general, I don't watch anything that centers on women's highly gendered trauma, including "she got raped and now she's a badass" narratives, which I especially loathe. I find that that kind of media pushes this subtext that it's empowering because all women have been there. I find it alienating, depressing, and boring. Xena getting the snot beat out of her by her former underlings in an ungendered way and then wangsting about having been a bad, murderous warlord is fine. That's a typical reformed male villain backstory. It's the Lady Trauma™ backstories I hate.
Special shout out to Joss Whedon who shoves this crap in everything and whom I've hated since the 90s. Ughhhhhhhhh.
I don't watch things where characters should logically get an abortion and don't. Every character involved is either an idiot or an abusive sack of shit.
I generally drop shows that started out being about folklore and then turned jesus-y. (SPN, I'm looking at you.) I like my urban fantasy to be neopagan woo-filled or Asian.
I don't consume dystopian media where society is gone. That's boring. I want to see a complex social context for our leads. (Relatedly, I find "my whole family is dead" a total cop-out. Make them fucking deal with their in-laws or growing old with a partner. That takes real writing chops, you hacks!) I also find ultra gloom more comedic than relatable.
I don't consume "anyone can die" media because it always removes all of the interesting characters while there was still more story to tell with them. Also, it invariably coddles whiny fanboys and their boring fave will have plot armor while all of the better characters will be the first to go.
--
But really, I consume very little media, so it's not like I have to think about these "rules".
They mostly come up when annoying fans are pushing their media I obviously would not like and I have to consciously think about how I'm making that snap judgment.
I'll occasionally check something out because it has a lot of fic. I often check out slashy (but not gay) shows because of a slash vid. I read a lot of original m/m by fandom types and may consume other queer media if it sounds like it has the right vibe. I consume a lot of stuff for research (film noir, nonfiction books, documentary). Even Kingdom, which I now love, I consumed because I wanted to get a feel for Korean historical media for the purpose of writing AU fanfic (which I then never got around to writing).
I don't have time or brain space left for mainstream things unless they happen to catch my eye.
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🦚 for the queer ask game!
🦚 - Are there any queer books/shows/etc. that you would suggest?
oh my god YEAH absolutely. i used to be a queer media connoisseur (im no longer a romance girlie when i consume media bc i write so much of it but i still have love for the genre). i'll do one rec for each category up here but ill put some more under the cut!!
book: aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe. it's my favorite book i've gotta put it out there. literally changed my life when i was like 16 i love it so much
show: there's so many popular ones that i feel like if you're gay you've already seen them by now, so im gonna throw a curveball and go with crazy ex-girlfriend. they talk a LOT about lgbtq+ identities and explore dynamics with different couples, and if you love musicals, you absolutely must go watch it rn i fear
movie: moonlight. oh my god if you haven't seen moonlight go watch moonlight it's so so incredible 10/10. a drama that follows a black gay man from childhood to adulthood, explores the themes of masculinity, family, and friendship as well as romantic love. it's just an incredible movie it deserves all the hype tbh
music: once again there's so many popular queer musicians nowadays that i Do Not HAVE to rec (you know the ones they go hard), so im gonna rec chrissy chlapecka!! she just makes such incredible, sugary-sweet pop music about such amazing fucked up shit i love her
send me some gay asks!
okie doke as promised here's some more recs from yours truly bc i really, really love media and have a collection to rec atp NDNKFNKND ill try to order them by genre from least to most obscure LMAO
BE WARNED: i do read some graphic stuff - im an adult and my media taste reflects that. before you read anything i rec, look it up for trigger warnings!! i don't want anybody to be hurt by something i recommend. <3
books:
of course like. simon vs the homosapien agenda by becky albertalli is out there. this is one of those classics i was talking about KDNKFNFK it's very ya-gay-romance-romcom you can eat up ya know. the movie's also not too bad (people think it's 'cringey' nowadays but that was HUGE for me when i was like 19 and had my first girlfriend). anyway it's feel-good fluff if you like that kind of thing!!
red white and royal blue is obviously another classic and one i can't rec enough. i love the way its written, i love the characters, i love the plot. like it's everything, if you're into the romcom vibe this is a great one to check out. (and as a bonus this one also has a movie and it Slaps)
it's not like it's a secret by misa sigura is a pretty solid wlw coming-of-age novel that i highly rec if you're into the rom-com type book. it's also got some EXCELLENT poc representation!!
bloom by kevin panetta is a graphic novel and i love it. so so so much. truly i think i read this in a day and i am NOT a huge graphic novel reader. feel-good romcom, poc rep, body diversity, AND pretty pictures. what is there not to love. everyone should read bloom tbh
lies we tell ourselves by robin talley is Probably my favorite wlw book ever. it's historical fiction and it is Everything to me. and im actually a known historical fiction hater so take it from me - its Good.
carry on by rainbow rowell is i think a classic at this point and i love it. so so so much. you ever identify with a character a little too hard. yeah thats me and this book. i gave my best friend a copy for her graduation. it is an Excellent take on 'remember all the heroes you wanted to be gay when you were a kid. imagine if they were.' it's my beloved
a hero at the end of the world by erin claiborne is another great one in the same vein, with a punchy, dry humor twist. basically if you were a harry potter kid but you hate jkr. you'll love this one and carry on KSNDKDNFK
nimona by nd stevenson is another graphic novel!! it's another fantasy, so if that's your cup of tea, i highly recommend it. it's got an amazing queer love story, a genderfluid protag, and most importantly, found family. literally everything. (it also has a movie but i haven't seen it yet
the raven cycle by maggie stiefvater is HUGEEEE i love that series it reshaped me. it's. mystery/supernatural i would say? it has multiple of my fave queer characters of all time and honestly. everyone there is a little gay. one of my absolute faves <3
we are the ants by shaun david hutchinson is a sci-fi horror adventure story and this one. it stuck with me. the main character hit me so hard and his internal struggle is so SO interesting. if you're into this kind of shit. give it a shot!
every day by david levithan is not one of MY all-time faves, but i can still say it's super interesting and has great rep!! it has a genderfluid/agender main character (depending on how you look at it). i will say i think there are multiple books in the series (?) but i stopped at one bc. it made me too sad anyway. <3
the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky is not queer bc it's explicitly about a queer character or a queer love story, BUT. it still has one of my favorite lgbt characters of all time. patrick you will always be famous to me. as a bisexual girl in a catholic high school, saw a Lot of myself in patrick. (i do also have a special place in my heart for the movie bc it was my depression movie as a teen but patrick is played by ezra miller so be warned)
one of us is lying by karen mcmanus is another one that's not just. About a Gay Couple BUT it is one of my fave books (a murder mystery retelling of the breakfast club) and it has a gay main character!! his struggle with his sexuality is something he really struggles with and he has a boyfriend and i adore him.
shows:
i mean obviously like. heartstopper is incredible. like i said im not super into the romcom/young adult genre anymore but that show is just so beautiful and amazing and really healed my inner gay teen. it has a really diverse cast and representation for all kinds. i really recommend it!!!
everything sucks was gone before its time, but it is SUCH an amazing show. it has one of my fave on-screen wlw couples of all time. it's a feel-good, coming of age classic and i miss it deeply. (what did you just say??? 'katie rewatch it' oh my god you're onto something)
now if yall know me. glee is absolutely gonna be on this list. is it good? technically no. is it one of the greatest pieces of satire ever created? up until season three yes. i realized i was gay via santana lopez. THE gay character of all time. and all the love in my heart for all the other lgbt characters (kurt hummel you will always be famous to me......) some of it's a little dated (don't get me STARTED on unique) but it does genuinely have some great lgbt rep and if you watch it with a grain of salt it's a great comedy
julie and the phantoms made by kenny ortega (of THE high school musical and descendants fame) and it has a gay character i love!! (actually technically it has a few <3)
i'm a huge consumer of kids' media (i think phineas and ferb is a literal masterpiece and im not even kidding) so if you're like me and enjoy the disney/kid show beat i cannot rec andi mack enough. it's dramatic it's campy it's fun it's silly it's got a FANTASTIC gay character and a gay couple i deeply adore and not to mention!! so much representation!! it's like junior fosters tbh
we're gonna get into a little pocket here of like. normal romance but slightly niche - animes! sasaki to miyano is like my top lgbt anime rec. it is so, SO good. just absolute feel-good romcom goodness pls give it a shot
depending on interpretation, ouran high school host club arguably has a nonbinary character, some bi/gay characters, and a trans character! now. it IS hella dated do not get me wrong. BUT for the time? incredibly progressive and a wonderful watch. just brace yourself for some out of pocket shit
stars align has one of my favorite lgbt characters EVER, a nonbinary icon <3 and it's like. a PLOT. truly so rare to see something like that done on tv, let alone in anime. this is a sports anime - soft tennis my beloved - but it has So Much More To It than that.
another gay sports anime is run with the wind, a recent fave of mine. and i don't mean gay in the way that most sports animes are kinda gay. i mean he literally says 'im in love with this guy.' it's an amazing watch if you like that kinda thing!!
if you want an aroace genderfluid protag. the disastrous life of saiki k is up there as one of my fave animes ever AND saiki (the main character) is my fave protag of all time. this silly lil show is supernatural (ish?) and comedy all wrapped into one fantastic show i highly recommend!!
segueing back into live action shows, buffy the vampire slayer is an AMAZING, iconic, female-led supernatural dramedy with some early and, for its time, incredible lesbian rep.
yellowjackets because i LOVE unhinged lesbians. i didn't even know there was gay people in this - i started watching because i love horror and girls' soccer DLNKFNFLN and it's amazing!! if you like tragic gay women i HIGHLY endorse yellowjackets.
in the flesh. look. here's my pitch for itf. do you love being sad. do you love catharsis. do you love zombies. you will LOVE in the flesh. please. i miss it so bad i've seen this show 4 times (and you're right i should also watch this one again!!!) and i never tire of it.
sense8 is a sci-fi show and IT IS EVERYTHING TO ME. truly the diversity is unparalleled. so many lgbt characters of so many different identities. polyamory, trans people, a neuro-link that's destroying peoples' lives. it literally has everything.
the get down is not just an lgbt show, BUT it has an incredible lgbt character/storyline that i adore. a musical show, a historical fiction piece (which means a lot coming from me), and almost every character is a poc. pls give it a shot it's everything
bodies is another one that isn't just about lgbt+ rep BUT. it's incredibly diverse, examining people facing discrimination throughout history (you've got a gay mc, a jewish mc, a muslim mc, AND a disabled mc) and it just has such amazing plot lines and representation. it's a murder mystery/sci-fi double whammy, so give it a shot if you're interested!!
movies:
alex strangelove is a good, underrated, coming of age classic. it follows a guy who struggles with his sexuality. very teen rom-com-dramedy core!!
i adored boy meets girl when i watched it. a very romcom-y movie about a trans woman from a small town dreaming of getting out....... friends to lovers.......... i adore it
happiest season is a christmas movie and it's very sweet. its been panned (there are some just criticisms on the plot tbf) BUT i do think it's really cute
to wong fu thanks for everything julie newmar is just. so so good. it's an underrated classic imo. three drag queens go on road trip, end up in a small town, and change it for the better. it's literally so amazing it's just feel good found family PLEASE give this one a shot
the birdcage is another classic i so genuinely enjoy. who doesn't want robin williams and nathan lane as their gay dads. at the end of the day it's all about found family, love, and old gay men.
handsome devil is a foreign film - irish to be exact! - and i love it so much. once again as a catholic school kid.......... yeah. YEAH. anyway go watch the og gay nicholas galitzine movie LKNDKFNKNLFNKLF
pride is a historical piece and an excellent movie. it's got its ups and downs but god it's just an overall good movie. another irish film, coincidentally!
the way he looks is also a foreign film, this time in spanish, BUTTTTT it's one of my faves i love it so much. it's very feel-good, sweet, romcom so if you feel like you could be into that - give it a shot!!
rent, if you're into musicals, has some of my fave musical characters ever. angel dumott schunard you will ALWAYS be the love of my life. it is deeply sad but. other than that. i live in denial.
the prom is a much more light-hearted and silly lgbt musical. people shat on that movie but i think it's SWEET and cute and has some bangers!!
i mean like. we can joke ab how hyped it is all we want but brokeback mountain is basically required gay watching. it is EXACTLY as amazing as everyone says it is. the chemistry..... oh my god we could never make that movie again it was like catching lightning in a bottle.
bodies, bodies, bodies is a fun and campy lgbt horror if you're into that kind of thing!! the ending was a bit not my fave but otherwise it's an incredible cast and got some great silly scares
on the topic of gay horror, jennifer's body is gay and again, exactly as good as everyone hypes it up to be. you want gay women who are terrible to each other? oh boy do i have the movie for you
and i promise ill wrap on gay horror with it chapters 1 & 2. reddie will unfortunately always be famous.
everything, everywhere, all at once is not Just a gay movie BUT. it has an incredible gay character and it factors so interestingly into the mother/daughter relationship. i love that movie i will always talk about it
music (these are all just people i personally listen to but there are SO many more. im not gonna expand on these ones too much just go check em out you'll get it):
lil nas x
troye sivan
kim petras
kesha
tegan and sara
brandi carlile
hayley kiyoko
rina sawayama
peach prc
renee rapp
adam lambert
scene queen
willow
halsey
clairo
cavetown
janelle monae
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hello, I've seen you Star Trek posting a lot and I've gotten curious.
Hypothetically speaking someone wants to watch it where does one start?? What do you suggest?
o hi there!!! so technically you can start whenever you want - some series reference previous series a bit more than others but if youre sticking with 80s-2000s trek it doesnt make a big difference (new trek such as discovery, strange new worlds, lower decks..... its a whole other ball game you really need context)
so now its rly all about the vibes you want!!
2009 movies: a LOT of new trek enjoyers got into the series through these ones - theres only 3 movies and their pacing is p much like most modern media so theyre easy to consume. more actiony than the rest of star trek. they are gonna have people like kirk and spock and bones etc
ToS (the original series): the OG! what started it all! this is the technical START of the series but its got really slow pacing so it might be harder to get through. this is THEE epitomy of submarine warfare but we love it. makes up for it by silly 60s shoestring budget, sass, COLOUR, and the most iconic charas in star trek (kirk, spock, bones, uhura, scotty - its a great time!)
TNG (the next generation): another really good place to start the series (this was my start as a kiddo) essentially this is the trek most people think of and sets the vibe. good pacing, consistent story, more modern graphics, and provides most of the worldbuilding for the whole series. the vibe here is mostly diplomacy > action but dw we still got silly scifi happenings. this will have picard, riker, worf, data, etc
ds9 (deep space 9): tumblr's darling child. the MOST gay and chaotic out of any of the treks - its insane how good (and bad) it can get. this has some carryover from tng but doesnt effect the story at large. a drawback for most people is its based on one spacestation so theres little to no exploring which is the bread and butter of star trek - it makes up for it by delving deeply into the alien races that live nearby instead of having them The Alien of the Week and never talking about it again. big themes of Imperialism/resistance/spirituality which is just Chefs Kiss. has characters like sisko, julien, garak, dax, kira, obrien, quark/odo, worf again
Voy (voyager): ever wonder what these ships are like in a crisis situation? ever think "wow star treks idealism would be hard to hold up without support and safety?" WELCOME TO STAR TREK: SURVIVOR. ship gets stranded hundreds of years from home and has to make the long journey back with little resources, allies, and a stedily degrading ship and crew. VOY weirdly has a bad rep but its v good and i just chalk that up to weird nerd sexism about the first female captain (Janeway my beloved). ofc it has its ups and downs like EVERY star trek series. crew becomes very much like a found family and theres tons of exploring since everything is new and exciting! has people like Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, Seven of Nine
ENT (enterprise): we've had a LOT of starships called Enterprise but this is the first! this predates the federation which is the defining theme of star trek in general. it heavily leans into a low tech astronaut feeling instead of scifi science magic. got canceled when it was just getting good and i really think its worth a watch. has people like Archer, T'pol, hoshi, Shran
TLDR
tos: Classique 60s hijinks
tng: diplomats in space but cool
ds9: chaotic gays in space
voy: oh god everything wants to eat us
ent: ASTRONAUTS SPACE IS COOL!!!!!
star trek itself is really a love letter to life, humanity, and the possibilities of space - i grew up watching it and its really been one of the most impactful medias of my life. if you do try it i hope you enjoy it and have fun!
#how bad are the brainworms showing? pretty bad right#if you want more specifics or more help pls send me an ask again im happy to help out!!#star trek#arco talks#ds9#tos#tng#voy#ent
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I know this is all very new to me, that one someone who gets in my head and doubts things a lot and also that everyone’s experiences are different. So I could very easily change my mind on this.
But I feel like media as a whole , at least the stuff I’ve consumed , has always done the best job of highlighting just how much a relationship really is just like a best friendship.
I know before I ever properly had one I just viewed it as this separate thing. I still wanted who I dated to be my best friend, but I guess I never knew what that would feel like. I think it’s also just brought to life how I’m not very good in the friend department lol.
I get in my head a lot about this stuff. I keep thinking oh no am I not feeling what I’m supposed to feel. Should it be more of this and less of that. Should I be doing this instead. Am I moving too slow. Am I moving too fast. It’s easy to give myself all those questions since we don’t live near each other either. The slip to feeling self conscious when someone is just on a screen is very quick I think. But I look back to all the times irl and it’s just nice. Plain and simple nice. I don’t even really worry about it all that much in the moment because I genuinely just feel like I’m hanging out with my best friend. We link arms and kiss and have sex and all that, and I enjoy it and find her desirable in that way, but more then anything I really do wholeheartedly feel like I’m just having a fun time with my friend.
I guess since my scaffolding for relationships while growing up has been from fiction or dysfunctional heterosexual relationships I was going in a bit blind. Growing up it was like you had your partner and you had your friends. They were completely seperate in what they offered you. And romance books / fanfiction very heavily dive into the hard hitting emotions and glorification of finding a piece of yourself somewhere else.
Ive found for myself it’s nothing like that. I thought it was once, when I was with my. But also I wasn’t with her for very long and she was my first girlfriend. My first time being gay in person. Of experiencing certain things I’d only read about. I didn’t get enough time with her to get to this point.
And it’s still VERY early days. So I know I have a long way to go in understanding myself and my feelings and what they mean. And I know I’ll still have days where I get insecure and overanalyse stuff , to try and put myself into the boxes the world have put around me, get frustrated at myself for not doing things the way I feel like I need to. But I also know I just feel nice. To some nice might be too low of a word. Too small. Not grand enough. Not filled with enough love. However a lot of my bad emotions are overwhelming strong and exhausting. Even good ones sometimes have been really strong to the point where the drop really hurts.
I like something being nice. I like it being slow. Being nice fills like calm seas after years of rough ones. I also know it’s probably because I’m just stupidly mentally ill and depressed, so I might never feel that true rush of long term happiness I want to. But this is still really good. I might not have a bright sun and rainbows over my little boat. But it’s calm and stopped raining. I can look around a bit and share it with my best friend.
That type of nice seems really good to me. It’s comforting. It’s not what I had built in my head a romantic relationship necessarily was, but I think I like the reality more. At least when I’m not feeling insecure over it and comparing myself to either fictional and or heterosexual standards.
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