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sant-riley · 1 year

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[Random Task force 141 × gen z! member headcanons]

A/N: Reader goes by the codename Teddy in my writing! Along with she/her pronouns :) I am also extremely biased with Ghost so her main pairing is more towards with him compared to the others <3. I know absolutely nothing about the military so this is not accurate I am so sorry💀.

CWs: Dark Humor, Age gaps, Simping, crude humor, cursing. (not sure what else but lmk!)

Chances are, you're the youngest in the entirety of Task Force 141. Just a good couple of years younger than Gaz.

When Laswell brought her in to meet the group, they couldn't help but stare at her in confusion. A tiny girl who couldn't have been older than any of them. Soap couldn't help but chuckle while Ghost nudged him in the side to shut him up.

"This is your new rookie on the team, her callsign is Teddy. Treat her well."

All the men nodded, watching the younger woman shyly smile and wave towards them.

First they realized that her humor was, in Ghost's words, fucked.

Any minor inconvenience had her saying she wanted to be hit by a car or some type of bodily harm, Price quickly whirling around with eyes widened. "Now, I don't think that warranted that kind of response, don't you think?" "Oh it definitely did, Captain." And she'd walk away without another word.

He swears he gets gray hairs from everytime you make casual talk of you dying. He actively tells the others to check on you bc he genuinely don't know if you're serious or not.

Ghost is not up to date with shit, man uses no social medias oncesoever so everything she spouts is wildly out of pocket. References to basic things like tiktok, Twitter, Instagram? He just silently stares at you like you're on drugs. You can't really use your personal phone on base but you try your best to explain memes to him. He sighs and rubs his forehead with a groan of "I'm too old for this shit, teds." "Oh come on! You have to at LEAST know the meme about the marines eating crayons!" "What the fuck are you on about?

The only ones who know vaguely what the fuck you're on about sometimes are Gaz and Soap, despite them still being a few years older.

Granted, they are not caught up with everything but they actively make it a point on leave to try and be up to date bc of you and your mannerisms. Plus it makes you happy when they fire back a quote they learned.

Can yall imagine Soap on tiktok, what random shit he'd have on his fyp bc he doesn't know how the algorithm works 😭.

Teddy has made every single one of them a personal playlist when she does have her phone, Soap once caught her adding songs and hasn't stopped teasing her since. Price and Ghost pretend not to care and barks at Soap to leave her alone but they're equally curious. Ghost contemplates stealing her phone to see it.

Doesn't matter how serious or dark their job may be, you simp for fictional characters, loudly. Price has learned to tune it out, Ghost although slightly jealous, finds it endearing, Gaz and Soap indulge you and will actively ask about why you like the characters you do and how much you love them bc they like to see you excited. It's a nice feeling when they're always in life or death missions.

You're the smallest one in here okay, everyone can easily throw you without batting an eye so they all take turns training you! They all despite knowing you can take care of yourself, would still like to teach you all they know so should you come against a taller/stronger opponent, you'll be okay.

You are the most protected person in the entire squad, esp when going out for drinks, Ghost will put you in the middle between him and Price and basically make a wall of muscle around you. He says he doesn't care and that he just doesn't want to be pestered by creepy people coming up to you but he will literally stare down any man or woman who even tries. He is the creepy one in everyone else's scenario. Soap just laughs and tosses back his drink.

They all notice your ticks and tells, seeing your leg start to shake when you're anxious, when you start cracking your fingers when you're restless, how you will avoid eye contact at any cost. They start to find ways to soothe you in their own ways. Price will give you a pat on your shoulder, sending you a smile.

Gaz nudges you with his body to take your attention off the situation, or he'll simply start asking you random dumbass questions just to see your face change.

Soap will, if he has gotten permission before, just pick you up and throw you over his shoulder, running around with you while you scream for him to let you go. Is also not against tickling you straight up to get you to smile.

Ghost tried to be as subtle as he can be. If yall are sitting close to each other, he'll make sure some part of his body is gently pressed against yours. Whether it be his foot, thigh, hand, some part of him will ground you. You try and reassure him that you know he doesn't care for personal touch but he just says to shut up.

Meeting Graves was a trip, for everyone involved besides you and Grave. Absolutely having no control over calling him a irl Fix it Felix. You were on Graves shitlist and honestly you wouldn't be surprised he betrayed yall for that one comment bc of how angry it made him.

Constantly being told to be quiet, but you cannot help it and will make little quips over comms. Ghost takes after you and starts to say horrible "dad" jokes that make you choke trying to hold back. Soap hates both of you and calls you unfunny.

They realize you're impulsive, especially when you show the amount of tattoos you have.

"I joined the military to fund my tattoo addiction." "You know what? That's not even a surprise."

Going home on leave is always a bitter experience, you never look excited to go home. So one of the guys (usually ghost) will offer you to come with them. It helps 3/4 all live somewhere in England so it's easy to see them/ take trips to their place.

They're all attached despite knowing better. They can't help it and they know they care for you so much more than other force members.

Ghost and Soap bristle when Alejandro makes a mention that he'd offer you a spot in his team, impressed with how you can take opponents twice your size.

"¿Te interesaría quedarte en México?"

"The Hell she will."

If you'd like to be tagged in future works, please comment under my rules that are pinned to my blog!

#okay this got rambley real quick but hey its my blog i can do what i want #ghost <3 #soap <3 #price <3 #gaz <3 #call of duty #call of duty x reader #cod x reader #gen z!reader #simon ghost riley x reader #soap x reader #simon riley x reader #ghost x reader #john price x reader #headcanon #kayla writes <3 #fem reader

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deathmetalunicorn1 · 11 days

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A cute little ‘What-If’ scenario with Eri, what if Eri met Garp instead of Luffy? (Just to take a little break before Wano because there is a LOT happening in Wano)

Garp found Eri kidnapped and tortured by a Pirate Crew/Corrupted High Ranked Marine who’s been using Eri for their selfish purposes (He beats them to a bloody pulp for harming a child)

Garp doesn’t know nor does he care why they took Eri because he immediately takes her under his wing as her Grandpa! (Instant Adoption, and the only time Garp is 1st Grandpa!)

When Garp finds out about Eri’s power he tells her she doesn’t ever need to worry anymore as he’ll always be there to take care of her from now on so she doesn’t need to use her power unless she wants too and he’ll protect her so no one can ever force her to use her powers against her will (He’ll keep her little secret to himself, after all he made a Pinkie Promise *He’s sobbing obnoxiously over how cute and sweet she is unlike his ingrate grandsons who are ‘very mean’ to his feelings!*)

Sengoku is Eri’s other Grandfather, because he knows Garp doesn’t actually know how to properly raise a child (They Co-Parent, or rather Co-Grandparent) and he will admit Eri helps him unwind and reminds him that there’s still good in this world (He even gifted her a few coloring books and crayons)

Garp encourages Eri to eat as much as she wants but always obnoxiously sobs because she always shares her food with him since it’s all so yummy! (Eri won all the Marines hearts)

Eri likes Tsuru, Smoker, Tashigi, Coby, Fujitora, Kuzan and Hina, she’s shy around the other Marines, Borsalino and Akainu

I can definitely picture Garp telling Eri that Akainu and Ryokugyo are the ‘Dark Side’ of the Marines (Resulting in Eri calling them a ‘Bad Guy’ resulting in emotional damage for these two with Garp, Kuzan and Fujitora in the background, laughing their asses off)

Fujitora is another one of Eri’s favorites and worries about him since he’s blind (He smiles that finds it very sweet but tells her he’s alright as he promises he won’t get hurt)

Eri wears cute Sailor Dresses and lives with her Grandpa Garp whenever he goes

-Garp was seething in rage, holding the fragile bundle close to his chest as he was radiating heat from how furious he was. He glanced down, his eyes softening as he saw two large eyes peering up at him, safely wrapped up in his cloak.

-He had attacked a pirate ship, taking all of them into custody, to make Sengoku happy as he had been a little cranky as of late, but when he heard the crying of a child, he was stunned to see you there, trapped in a tiny cage, scars covering almost every inch of you.

-He didn’t know what made you so special to these pirates, but you must have been as there was a lot of research notes around about a unique, natural ability you had. From what he was able to gather it was a healing ability, but not exactly.

-Your little hand was holding onto his suit, peeking out from the cloak as he was taking you to the infirmary, and not letting anyone stop him as he kept walking.

-Sengoku had heard the commotion when Garp’s ship had arrived, as he shouted at others to come and get the pirates while he seemed to be holding something. When he saw Garp he was quick to catch up to him, calling out to him, but Garp didn’t stop, “Not stopping- catch up if you need me.”

-Sengoku was surprised to see Garp so serious for once and it made him curious as to what he was holding as they made it to the infirmary.

-Garp grabbed one of the doctors he knew would keep his mouth shut and went to a private bed, pulling the curtain around the three men before he lowered his cape from around you, revealing you to them.

-Instantly the doctor panicked, reaching for you but you curled in on yourself, pressing closer to Garp who took a seat on the bed, “This nice doctor is going to help you, Y/N.”

-You looked up at him, you trusted him, as he rescued you from these bad men after you woke up in this strange world, away from Overhaul. However, after they saw you using your ability to heal a wound you had gotten, they were quick to start researching as well, treating you just like how Overhaul did, wanting to know about your ability.

-Garp explained what he could about your ability as the doctor was very gentle, looking at your scars, seeing that they were deliberately done, as he called for a nurse to get some food, seeing that you were very malnourished as well.

-Sengoku was sitting on a chair in front of you, letting you hold onto one of his fingers, as he was trying not to scare you as they listened about your ability, the ability to rewind time, more specifically, rewind wounds.

-The doctor was very patient with you, showing you each thing, “I’m looking in your eyes with this. This is to check what your heart rate is.” And many other things like that.

-You didn’t feel as scared as he was telling you each thing he was doing or showing you on Sengoku or Garp what he was going to do to you.

-When the food arrived, you were surprised to see the mound of food, as the nurse thought it was for Garp, who always ate big meals. Your eyes were huge as the doctor was looking over what notes Garp managed to collect, while Garp was helping you eat, holding the tray for you.

-You stuffed an apple slice into your mouth and your eyes were bright and sparkly, “It’s yummy!” they had to wonder what kind of life you were living until right then, if you thought just an apple slice was yummy.

-You held up another to Garp, “Here grandpa!” Garp did not take the apple, he set the tray down then passed you to Sengoku before quickly collapsing, holding on his chest as he cried obnoxiously on how sweet you were.

-Sengoku seemed exasperated with Garp’s antics as he held you, looking down at you, “Did he tell you to call him that, Y/N?” you nodded softly, “When he wrapped me up in his fancy cape, he said he was going to be my grandpa, and nobody was going to hurt me again!”

-Sengoku was the next to have heart related issues due to your cuteness as you were so precious and he agreed to allow Garp to adopt you, because from what the doctor found out, after confirming with you that you have bad fevers after using your ability too much, that you would be the safest with them.

-That’s how Garp and Sengoku adopted you, keeping you protected while they co-parented you. You became a staple in Sengoku’s office, either coloring or sitting on his lap, wearing an adorable long sleeve dress with leggings and a matching marine hat.

-Kizaru adored you, as he would always ‘kidnap’ you, stealing you away and taking you to get ice cream or cotton candy or to take naps with you. Sengoku found it exasperating, as he wasn’t doing his work, while Garp was chasing him, demanding that you be returned to him.

-You were a little shy with Kizaru and Sakazuki, usually hiding behind Garp’s leg or Sengoku’s leg, peeking out at them. Kizaru always tried to give you candy, wanting to win you over, but Sakazuki was almost shy with you, as he was afraid of scaring you.

-Fujitora was your next ‘grandpa’ after you met him, seeing his scars and when you learned he was blind, he felt your tiny hands on his cheeks, “They don’t hurt, do they?” hearing that you were about to cry, he just smiled, cupping your hands gently, “They don’t hurt Y/N. I’m okay, I pinkie promise.”

-He had to explain what a pinkie promise was to you, and when you sounded so excited, you were quickly crying as had to be admitted to the infirmary for heart related issues right after.

-Garp and Sengoku kept your abilities under wraps, telling you not to use them at all, which you did like as your ability always took a lot out of you. Only those two and the doctor knew, so everyone else just thought that you were rescued from pirates who had been torturing you for fun, and not for your ability.

-You liked not using your ability, you felt like a normal kid, running around, and playing with other children of marine officers. It felt so nice having friends.

-Garp liked seeing you happy, but he didn’t like seeing boys around you, thinking they were going to steal you away and he would always shout and get scary, with glowing red eyes, telling the boys to get away from you.

-Garp told you all about Luffy, your big brother, since you were adopted, that makes Luffy your big brother, but he didn’t want you to be a knucklehead like him, he wanted you to stay with him and be a good girl.

-You just beamed up at him with a huge smile, “I want to stay with grandpa forever! I love you grandpa!”

-Sengoku had to watch you for the rest of the day, with you helping him stamp his paperwork, as Garp was in the infirmary, still ugly crying on how precious you were while getting yelled at by the doctors for being disruptive.

-You’re so happy that Garp found you!

#one piece #eri reader #monkey d garp #sengoku one piece #kizaru #kuzan one piece #borsalino #fujitora issho

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capt-zjaybird · 9 days

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Keegan and Ajax (before the events of the game), being both Marines and maybe even from the same team, seeing how seemingly close they are given that Keegan was really insistent on finding Ajax after he was taken, and was pretty devastated when they reached him dead, must've been really good friends from far back.

Like at an old mission, Ajax and Keegan could complete a mission together, exhausted but satisfied with the work they've accomplished and managing to stay alive to see another day, so they slump against the seats of an exfil vehicle.

Ajax grins at Keegan with a goofy smile, he still has that mask but Keegan can tell Ajax is smiling because of the way his eyes lit up and creased at the corners.

"Oorah?" Ajax manages to grunt out after a moment of catching his breath, trying to give his quiet friend a playful nudge, as if to say "lighten up a bit, we're not dead yet", lifting a loosely clenched fist with an intention of a friendly fist bump.

Keegan couldn't help the small curling in the corner of his lips, reciprocating Ajax's little jest with a nod and a firm "hoorah." as their fists collided softly.

"Wanna share a pack of crayons after this?" The marine joke never gets old when it comes to Ajax. Neither of them eat crayons (anymore), but it's a funny little tease that circles both of them, talking about crayons like it's the same as bumming a cig.

A scoff from Keegan, and he rolls his eyes at the joke. "As long as you save me the blue one." What else can he do, besides join the banter.

There's a few fresh crayons stored in Keegan's drawer, stashed away with polaroids and scribbled notes, as well as cigarettes and an old silver lighter, but it's not the same when he has nobody to share the memories with now. All they do is collect dust, and whenever Keegan opens the drawer to retrieve a piece of paper or to get the lighter, he just catches a glimpse of a smile from the corner of the dark and dusty storage compartment.

A familiar face, an old friend.

It tugs a small smile onto Keegan's lips, before he eventually shuts the drawer closed, keeping the memories safe and stored away.

#is this what angst no comfort is #i forgot i had this in my drafts so i might as well finish it #man now im hungry for smtg #cod ghosts #call of duty ghosts #keegan p russ #cod keegan #cod ajax #alex ajax johnson #call of duty

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noblesixjm04 · 10 months

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Incorrect Halo Quotes

.........................

Marine!Reader: *Quietly snacking while doing paperwork.*

Fred: *Happy that for once reader is actually eating something on their own accord.*

Fred: *Notices that the "snacks" are a very familiar shape and colorful. It doesn't help that they are fishing out the candy in a yellow and green box.* "What are you eating y/n?"

Marine!Reader: *mid bite and with a mouthful of food.* "Crayons. Want one?" *Shakes the box towards Fred.*

Fred-104:*Is now very concerned and about to snatch the box away but Chief beats him to it.*

John:*Who was there when reader bought the crayon themed candies* *Grabs the box. Pulls out three green ones and eats them in one go.*

Fred:*Stares at them. Exasperated. Tired now that he has to deal with not one, but two little shits.*

Marine!Reader: "Chief you jerk. You stole the last green ones! Those are my favorites!"

............................

Reader and Linda: *Meditating in blue teams shared room.*

Kelly:*To Fred.* "Didn't know y/n could sit still for this long."

Fred:*Not even glancing up from his reports.* "They fell asleep two hours ago."

John:*Placing a couch cushion behind reader as they fall backwards. Still dead to the world.* "That a new record?"

Linda: *With her eyes still closed.* "Last time it was two and a half."

...........................

Everyone is out on the field waiting at the lz for evac.

RandomMarine:*Pulling out a box of cards.* "So. Anyone up for uno?"

Fred-104:*Head snapping towards the marine. In the same voice he uses to bark out commands on the field.* "No."

RandomMarine:*Slowly lowering the box much to readers disappointment.* "Can. Can I ask why not?" *He wasn't expecting such a quick and scary no.*

Reader:*Shrugging.* "Me and Chief are no longer allowed to play uno together."

RandomMarine: *Nervously.* "Uhh... How come?"

Reader:*Points a finger at John.* "He made me cry last time. So Fred banned uno."

John-117: *Pointedly not looking at anyone.* "Get good.*

Reader: *About to start on another rant on how he couldn't have possibly had that many plus four cards.* "You know what!-"

#halo #john 117 #blue team #fred 104 #kelly 087 #linda 058 #reader being reader #halo shitpost #incorrect halo quotes

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alalaya2 · 1 year

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Tim Drakes sleep habits save the earth

Part 4 Oa has problems

Hal would always get a small sense of wonder as he flew up to Oa. No matter how many times he would fly there. It was always something after a long trip through space to see the lights on the planet. Oa was not perfect, the guardians did have some problems such as the darkest night the flaming Martians and the Man Hunter’s but they tried. In the end, that was something that some people didn’t do.

He waved to his fellow green lanterns as he landed on the planet. Kilowog was on greeting duty today and John was with him.

“Hey airmen you been on the ground long enough to get anything done?” Asked John. Hal didn’t respond with his normal ‘I don’t know marine did you eat enough crayons.’ Making John worry.

“Kilowog we need a level 5 counsel meeting”

Both lanterns froze in shock level 5 was a universal destruction threat that had only been used for the darkest night. Kilowog who was the senior member waved another lantern to take his place. “I’ll take you to them John I think you should come as you are also a Lantern of Earth.

Hal nodded “probably for the best as it is our government that causes this mess.”

John grimaced he was in some shady black ops before he left the military. If it was a level 5 threat someone really screwed up this time. “Do you know who caused it?”

“It was a law that passed during Luther’s time in the White House the way its worded would have made it legal for Lex to do whatever he wanted to Superman. The problem is that it is also an act of war against the infinite realm.”

“Shit I know you humans are a bunch of poozers but I didn’t think you were suicidal as well.” Kilowog pause for a moment thinking about all the hair brained things Earth lanterns pulled. “At least purposely.”

The two humans gave him a slight smile at the Bolovax Vikians.

“Most of us are unlikely Hal here the rest of us Earth Lanterns have safe jobs. I get commission from developing new buildings, Guy teaches special needs kids one on one and Kyle is an artist” point out John

Kilowog snorted “there is always a crazy in the bunch.” They stopped at the large doors.

“This is going to be so fun” snarks Hal.

“ Hey I’m just here to find out what is happening.”

The doors open to reveal the guardians. “Lantern Jordan you have news for us?”

“Yes our allies in the..” Hal was interrupted by a green portal opening between him and the guardians.”

A Flaming dark knight on an Alicorn with a four limed woman in Amazon armor came charging out. Kilowog whimpered in alarm “Fight Knight.” He said sounding scared.

Fright Knight dismounted and offered his hand to the woman looking at the people in the chamber before addressing the Guardians. “Guardians of the living realm we are her to partition the rescue of our young King Phantom as the American Government or Earth has captured and are torturing him. We do this as our young king is a protector Spirit and if we didn’t try to resolve this without bloodshed first it would hurt him more. As it is if you will not help us than our treaty is null and we declare war on the living.”

Hal and John were witnessed to one of the few times the Guardians completely lost their shit.

First Ao3 preview next

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im-in-love-with-pizza-bites · 3 years

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Crayons and Motor Oil

Chris Evans x Marine!Sister!Reader

Summary: You leave for boot camp tomorrow, so after a heart to heart Chris gives you a going away present.

Warnings:

Reader's age: 18

A/n: A little background for those who don't know. In America the branches of our military like to pick fun of each other, in turn, military families will use those jokes against their family member who is in the military depending on the branch the marine's joke is that they eat crayons and drink motor oil. Hope that explains it.

Divider: Me

It wasn't a shock when you announced to your family that you joined the Marines. You have been talking about joining the military since you were 5. A soldier came to talk to your class and you found them super cool. The branches you wanted to go in changed, at first it was the army, then the navy, then marines, then air force, and back to marines. When you were 17 you started talking to recruiters of each branch, before officially signing up for the marines.

You went home told your family. You face-timed Chris to tell him since he was away filming a movie. Then you told Scott also on face time since he wasn't in Boston either. But you were leaving tomorrow, so your day was busy, you were saying bye to your friends then spending the rest of your day with Chris.

"My Little marine." Liza smiled.

"Mom. Don't start getting teary-eyed it's just boot camp." You assured. "And I'm not leaving until tomorrow night."

"Yeah, I know. What's the plan for today?"

"Well, Chris wanted to hang out all day, after I say bye to my friends I'm gonna head to his house." You said taking a bite of your breakfast.

"Okay, dear. Make sure you and Chris get home by 5 for your goodbye dinner." She smiled. You nodded as you continued eating.

———

"Chrissy! Your favorite human being is here!" You shouted walking into his house, using a nickname he didn't like.

"Hey, Squirt." Chris smile as you rounded the corner into the kitchen. You narrowed your eyes on him noticing how he didn't get annoyed at the use of the nickname.

"What?" He asked noticing your look.

"Chrissy." You smirked. He kept his smile. "Okay, what's up? Why aren't you getting annoyed when I call you Chrissy?" You pouted.

"Nothing is wrong, just realize how much I'll miss that when you leave."

"You suck."

"Not the way you talk to someone before you leave. Didn't mom and dad teach you that?" He asked you.

"Yeah." You rolled your eyes sitting next to him on his couch resting your head on his shoulder.

"How was saying bye to your friends?"

"It was okay. Chris, how did you handle leaving home for the first time?" You looked up at him for advice.

"I don't think us leaving home is quite the same sweetheart. But I just remembered you all wanted me to follow my dreams. Well not you, you cried when I left for the first time." He smiled down at you.

"I was 1 that's not why I was crying." You assured him.

"You do have a point." He agreed chuckling. "Squirt, this has been your dream for years okay? We'll all be here when you get back I promise."

"Pinky promise?"

"Your still a child." He chuckled wrapping his pinky around yours.

"Yeah, a child who's gonna have a gun!" You gave a goofy smile.

"Fuck we're doomed." He said dramatically.

"Shut up!" You pushed him.

"Oh, big bad marine is grumpy." He cooed wrapping his arms around you effectively stopping you from pushing him again.

"Fuck off."

"Oh your gonna miss me!" He exclaimed. You glared at him. "Okay. Do you want a gift?"

"Yeah!" You smiled.

"Okay stay here I'll grab it." He released you. He left the room and came back quickly he found you petting Dodger when he got back. You looked up eyes lighting up at the sight of the gift bag.

"Gimme!" You made grabby hands to the bag. He laughed handing the bag to you. You reached in pulling out a box of crayons. "What?"

"Keep going." He smirked. You gave him a suspicious look before doing so pulling two more boxes out before finally pulling out a bottle of motor oil.

"Huh? Why-"

"You need a good meal now Baby marine." He smiled. You rolled your eyes.

"Thank you." You said pulling a crayon out. "I love these." You played along.

"Knew you would, even got the good brand Crayola."

"I might actually miss you."

"That means the world to me." He laughed hugging you. "I'll miss you too squirt." He mumbled into your hair. "Just don't come back stronger than me. It'll ruin my reputation."

"Ah yes I can see the headlines now, Chris Evans' loses in an arm wrestle against marine sister, Private Evans." You joked.

"It's a serious offense I used to be Captain America my kid sister can't just beat me in an arm wrestle." He teased.

"Whatever love you, Chrissy."

"Love you too Munch."

#chris evans #cevans #chris evans x sister!reader #chris evans x sister #christopher robert evans #capsicle #x sibling!reader #x sister!reader #x reader #us marines #x teen!reader #teen!reader #chris evans x teen!reader

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mantra4ia · 3 years

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Debris: speculation and what we know so far about...

Bryan

The character is from Texas, has no siblings, and his parents are both alive.

He served in MARSOC (Marine Special Forces) in Afghanistan, where he was in a military prison in some capacity (officer or detainee unclear, but an alternate reality he's called a war criminal, so he's likely detained).

FWIW, I'm a little surprised that in an alternative reality Bryan wasn't a part of Influx. He shares a similar kind of backstory with Anson Ash.

He carries a baseball on the plane like a momento stress ball (1x03).

He eats...a lot, literally thinks with his stomach, seemingly indiscriminately (#you could just pull up a chair to the buffet). Stale Peeps, weeks old sandwiches, rewarmed burritos, anything from the minibar, etc. Maybe he was a smoker in the time before and it killed his sense of taste. Or he just has an iron stomach from his time on active duty. In any case, food seems to be his unconditional OTP. I request a GIF supercut.

He seems to know a bunch of field operatives (Lester, Sharon, John the ME, Muntz, Beck from containment) from various Orbital teams, perhaps even worked cases with a few, along with everyone in Maddox's office. He's very cordial so presumably he likes them, but in stark contrast at least half seem to decidedly dislike him with baiting antagonism, some openly hostile. Sharon: "why are you smirking at me Bryan?" Muntz, the Laghari lab tech: "I've come across plenty like you...men who play by their own rules." Beck: "They only send in the A-team when they want the agents to survive...easy for you to say, I'm the one who had to tell his wife". No wonder he feels a bit ostracized. Perhaps his reputation (impulsive?) proceeds him or perhaps he's been labeled an "unlucky" partner that misfortune follows so he gets kept at a distance?

The exception to the above seems to be Gary Garcia, the former scientist that helps hide George. May be former partners if the audio during credit rolls is any indication, and knows about Bryan's health / injections. They appear close. Perhaps because they share a mentality: both presumably injured in their line of work at Orbital, and they know what it means to have to rely on yourself.

When we meet Finola and Bryan, it seems like they've been working together for a few weeks, stateside at least (Finola's quote 1x02: Been here 3 weeks, feels like 3 years) and that he's had at least two Orbital partners prior, one (Julian / Jules) that died on duty, and the other creepy Dutch guy still living, Niels. How many more partners has he been through? Is it protocol that they get reassigned/shuffled so often to follow the debris, or so as not to form attachments "This job is about being alone, it's supposed to be...we're a blip in other people's lives", or does his personality not play well with others, like from the pilot when he tells Finola "it's been a long time since I've worked with somebody who's looked at me like another human being."

Also in 1x01 when Bryan says, "So are we now saying the debris pulled [Kieran] from the ground and added meat to his bones" and Finola says no, he was cremated, Bryan looks almost disappointed like he was momentarily more hopeful than pragmatic. At first I thought this was just a lead up to introducing the fact that George Jones was alive, but maybe another plot point is that Bryan has lost someone in duty he wants back.

He carries a picture in his front pocket of a woman with some Persian/ Farsi(?) or Urdu(?) written on the back. It's hard to tell by the script, it could be neither. When confronted by that, his clone says "I can't let it go." Old flame that was lost? Or a partner of a fallen service member killed in action —I've lost brothers— that he couldn't save (is that part of Bryan's dark guilt / grief)? Civilian casualty of a Marine mission? In the pilot when he tells Isla "you have to tell her how much you need her, I know from experience...You will not be able to forgive yourself if you don't" is Bryan thinking of this woman?

EDIT: considering the next episode is called "Asalah," which could be a woman's name, maybe that's part of the text on the back of the photo. Pure speculation.

He counts on himself to be level and composed when it comes to his emotions and apologizes when he isn't. He loses that composure in the pilot when Isla talks about family therapy and fighting with her mother after Kieran's death: "I knew someone like her once." Was Bryan referring to himself, has he been through post-service therapy? Perhaps he developed a rift with his family or left home at an early age like she did?

Bryan would be great at pub trivia night. He always seems to have an odd fact ready about NASA tech, native legends, an article about a historical building that he read, Fleetwood PA, etc. He doesn't seem the type to keep facts on standby to impress, so perhaps he's a secret bibliophile even though Finola hassles him for not reading case files.

"Fin: Maybe we should run some more tests before we continue/ Bryan: I will cut bait if you want to / Fin; let's just look out for each other" 1x02 Bryan seems more cautious than impulsive, he does a good job of listening to Finola's concerns. Is that from experience? Did he get overconfident, mishandle debris, and get permanently injured, hence the frequent blood work and injections?

"This man saved my life." Why does Bryan trust Maddox implicitly? And when Maddox says in 1x07 "Investigate quietly. I want to keep the lights off. I don't want to lose anymore lives, Bryan, okay?" is that a word of warning specially for him? Does he have a body count? (see afforementioned question of frequent work partners turnover and having an unlucky reputation)

Bryan in protective of Finola when the CIA taps her apartment. It's the straw that turns his allegiance from his agency to his partner.

I still can't place why Bryan carries a baseball — it seems like it could be a red herring, but I can't get over the visual of Maddox playing catch with Dario and reading into it as some sort of surrogate bond — or why he has a chain around his neck (1x05). It's not service tags and probably not a ring, it's some kind of pendant: a large loop encircling a dull, perhaps tarnished, gray metallic disc. A patron saint? A piece of shrapnel? A piece of debris? Unclear, but it definitely has texture or an etching.

Top Bryan Quotes

"That's the job. Impossible." 1x01 Pilot

"We are supposed to be blips in these people's lives, not memories." 1x04 In Universe

"It's been a long time since I've worked with somebody who's looked at me like another human being." 1x01

"Zippo lighters, Pyrex glassware, Crayola crayons, and of course Peeps. Insane for peeps, cracklike...we owe the people of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania a great deal of gratitude and I am not afraid to say it." 1x02 You Are Not Alone

"I've been thinking, [about] Finola.. if MI6 knew her father was still alive they would take her out of here. We need to get home before this becomes an issue...this is going to affect her." 1x03 Solar Winds, when he's not sure how her father will affect her empathetic-based decision-making

Craig: "You hated the creepy Dutch guy." / Bryan: "He was adorable."

"Well, one of my tips for survival, Muntz, is always let the other guy touch the debris first." 1x03 So is that what happened to Garcia?

To Finola "I realize I tend to forget that there's still magic to discover in the world. But not you." 1x03

"There are things that you understand about life that I don't, and I respect that. But there are things that I know that you will not find very palatable...I am going to focus on the people that we're saving and not the ones that we can't." 1x04

"If we don't act, we might not be able to stop the terraforming. There's no way we're going to be able to win all these, and I know that every cell in your body right now is screaming for you to do what you think is right. I need you to go against that. I need you to trust me." 1x04

"Finola's capable. I trust her instincts." 1x08 Spaceman

"I'm running on sugar and coffee for the rest of the day" 1x07 You Can Call Her Caroline, but really isn't that Bryan everyday?

"When I tell you that I understand, it's not empty...I lost brothers. It destroys families. There are people who can help you with what you're going through right now...There is a way to get back from this pain. I was where you were, and the darkness almost ended me. And somebody put out his hand... I want to be there for you." 1x07

"I'm trying to get back to someone. It's very important to me." 1x09 Do You Know Icarus?

#nbc debris #bryan beneventi #character study #finola jones #craig maddox #sci fi #also shout-out to his Jay Kulina Elvis glasses in 1x04 #can somebody read that photo?#renew Debris

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sstrongstyle · 4 years

Text

𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐧 𝐛𝐲 𝐚 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: Adam Cole x OC, mentions of Seth Rollins x OC 𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: After nearly a decade of being the golden girl of WWE, Adaline Marin wants out. Their ring was no longer home, haunted by her first love and upon reaching her thirties, the face behind "Aspen Glory" wonders if the passion she once had was still ablaze. Instead, she gets sent down to NXT to join the Undisputed Era. The next three hundred and sixty-five days, all captured by cameras for the history books, become a year of revival, reinvention, and realization with her legacy at stake and a new flame from the past emerging. 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: All characters are referred to by their real life names (for the most part)

CHAPTER ONE.

August 11th, 2019

If Adaline had to force another wide smile for an Instagram selfie to celebrate the bright and beautiful Summerslam week that ended, she was going to completely lose it. The only person who seemed to notice was Trinity and, stifling a laugh at her irritated mood, went out of her way to buy Adaline a drink to help her get through the night. She shot her a relieved look, as she pretended to listen to Nattie talk about her cats for the nth time and trying to stay away from the Total Divas cameras.

"Hey, Addie!" Turning around, she saw that it was Kyle to her rescue. He was waving her over, presumably to join his table on the other side of the restaurant. There, most of the NXT roster and personnel had isolated themselves away from the other talent from Raw and Smackdown.

A thin smile stretched across her face. "I'll be back, girl." A complete lie, as Adaline patted Nattie's shoulder and got up to join her stable mates.

There was a different vibe to the NXT people; the family image and reputation that was painted on the Performance Centre residents wasn't far from the reality. Everyone under the yellow brand stuck together like glue and looked out for one another, something that Adaline hadn't felt in years. Initially, when she was assigned to the roster after nearly ten years on the "main roster," the Canadian felt somewhat insulted. Sure, they wanted a vet to guide the women's division, but she knew it was an excuse for the fact that creative had absolutely nothing for her.

And then, she found out that she was getting put with the Undisputed Era.

Austin smirked when he saw her approach. "You looked like you wanted to die over there." He pulled out a chair for her, always the gentleman.

"Those stupid camera guys put me on edge whenever they're nearby," she grumbled, sitting down in between him and Bobby with her drink still at hand.

"Smile a little. We had a good show," Austin nudged her. "Plus, we're in your hometown."

It was the late hours of Sunday night and as soon as Summerslam went off air, nearly all, if not most, of the on air employees that took part in the event, as well as Takeover, decided to go to a local bar and grill to celebrate. Raw and Smackdown were to follow in the next two days, but they wanted to gather while the NXT talent was still in Toronto. The city was alive and bustling, even dipping into the morning, and so was the entire locker room. Normally, Adaline would embrace the energy and take the time to bask in her surroundings—ever since she moved to Florida, she was rarely home.

Then, they walked in.

Kyle had impeccable timing in calling her over because Adaline was sure that she would have completely frozen up if she was still sitting with Trinity on the other side of the restaurant. As soon as she saw the flash of fiery orange hair, she completely turned her body away from the entrance in the hopes that it would appear as though she didn't notice the pairing appear at all. However, it was hard to do so when a round of greetings emerged from the crowd of wrestlers, upon realizing that the newest company power couple had walked into the room.

"Colby! Becky! Come sit here!" If anyone's voice on the entire roster was going to fill up an entire room, it was Ron Killings. It boomed and demanded attention from the entire restaurant and most people looked up, especially when it was the two biggest faces of the company.

Initially, Adaline thought the only good part about getting moved to NXT was getting away from Colby. He was the only constant in her life for the past decade and moving away to only see him once every few months was. . .different. Ever since the breakup, she wanted to completely erase him from her mind. Sure, that was the game plan for the few times they'd broken up before in the past—which, by the way, horribly failed every time and was the reason why they always seemed to crawl back to each other—but, this time was different. This time, it was for good. Adaline didn't know just how serious that promise was until she heard through the locker room grapevine about them shortly after the Royal Rumble.

"It's natural," Renee had told her one night over dinner at her house. "You guys were together since you were eighteen. Letting go of your first love is hard, especially when you see them everyday at work."

With a mouthful of broccoli, Mox had thought it would be smart to add on. "Yeah, especially when he's walking around backstage with the new chick that he's sleeping with." Though it was meant to be a lighthearted comment towards his former group members, Renee slapped her husband upside on the head for it.

At the restaurant, the only people who didn't care about the couple's appearance—or at least, pretended not to care for Adaline's sake—were her fellow Undisputed members. Bobby and Kyle continued to shovel food into their mouths. Austin didn't even flinch. While the couple entered, Christopher reached over the table to show the group a picture that his son drew of the stable.

Chris grinned. "There's Kyle and Bobby, still with the tag belts, obviously." The duo were at the front and although they were basically scribbles, you could tell which one Kyle was because of the guitar pose that the stick figure held. "There's Austin, with his luscious locks. There's me, handsome as ever. And then, there's you—"

"Um, why don't I have any hair?" Adaline deadpanned, thinking that she was supposed to be Austin in the drawing.

The boys peered over and started laughing. Adaline was clearly the only girl with a pink triangle body for a dress, but was bald. She was in the back, beside Austin, and the five of them were in a square that she assumed was a ring.

Kyle ruffled her hair. "Because you went and made it all white, obviously." The once black haired beauty went all the way in her transformation last month, when she cropped her curly hair to her chin and dyed the locks silver. It was supposed to be a little bonus to her heel turn, but ended up becoming more of a metaphor for her career and being assigned to NXT after all this time.

"Yeah, there's clearly white crayon marks," Austin pointed out.

"What? Oh. My bad." Adaline chuckled a bit, leaning back into her seat. The banter helped distract her easily and she was thankful for that.

She had her reservations about being lumped in as the token female member of a stable again. By the time it was decided that the female was going to be sent to NXT, Adaline had only just recovered from her past in The Shield and worse—Seth Rollins' arm candy. After making history as Smackdown Women's Champion, she thought that this would only be the beginning to the peak. Wrong. Adaline dropped the title to Becky at Wrestlemania and was subsequently shipped off the brand, never to be seen again, until emerging as apart of Adam Cole's crew. She was over it and she hated having sit back and let the men take the spotlight.

But, this was NXT. It was 2019. Adaline had proven that she was a valuable asset to the company, especially after her two years away to share her talents in Japan and thus, creating a deep hole in the women's division of WWE of the time. She wasn't being inserted into the stable to be eye candy or a joke. And, honestly? Adaline loved being around the other Undisputed guys. She was an equal in the group and her time with them completely exceeded her initially low expectations.

Bobby peered over at Adaline, who was just sitting there. "Are you not going to eat anything?"

"No," was all she said.

"We had a good weekend, why are you so down?" he asked, as she called a waitress over to order another virgin mojito.

Adaline was the life of the party. She was capable of shining with the brightest smile in the room, always made sure everyone was included, and was capable of sharing anecdotes that captivated the attention of the entire group. Tonight, she was a shell of that woman.

She replied, "Well, you guys had a good weekend." Adaline's dejected mood came from the fact that she didn't even have a match at Takeover, barely had an impact. It was different now that she was on NXT, knowing full well how methodical and planned out the booking was, as opposed to last minute changes done by Vince on the fly. They simply did not have a place for her on the card and she instead accompanied her members to their matches to support them from the sidelines.

"It's building, Addie and you know that," Bobby pointed out. "You're next in the title picture." And he was right. People in the higher ups were rumoured to be quite high on the Undisputed Era and they wanted all of the group members to be pushed to the top of the pyramid of the brand. They were all next in the title picture, it was only a matter of time.

However, she just wasn't used to it. After being one of the mainstays in the women's division even before the so-called Divas Revolution, Adaline was used to staying at the top. It was a little bit arrogant, but she felt like she had earned her place.

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm just a bit bummed out since everyone else seemed to have had a better time than I did." She discreetly glanced over at the other side of the restaurant, where everybody seemed to be talking about the main event that Colby, the newly crowned Universal Champion, had put on.

The waitress came back with her drink and set it down in front of the Canadian. She thanked her and began sipping on it immediately.

The only person who caught Adaline's quick look towards Colby was Kyle, who slapped her wrist to distract her. "Stop it."

"What?"

"It." Kyle pointed at her with his fork with a cocked eyebrow, causing her to giggle. He knew her too well and didn't want her to dwell on her ex any longer.

She replied. "Whatever. I'm fine," Adaline insisted.

The five talked a little bit more for the next while and it remained on the relaxing side. She chose to not rejoin her friends on the other side of the restaurant for the fear that she would have to interact with Colby. Maybe it was stupid, walking on eggshells around him after almost a year since their breakup and it wasn't always like that, but then he went and started dating her friend. The dynamic was different and Adaline didn't know how to handle it. The awkwardness was natural, but she didn't think it would last this long. She missed Becky and to an extent, Colby, too. Together, though, it wasn't the same.

Upon looking at her phone, the clock eventually had run faster than Adaline anticipated, but the establishment was still open and the WWE personnel dining were still lively and going nowhere. She, however, had an early morning flight to Chicago that she'd been dreading since it was planned. The notion of what was waiting for her at her destination caused a knot to form at the pit of her stomach—selling her house. Adaline took one last swig of her drink, swallowing it down along with the thought.

"I have to go," she announced, which left the boys groaning in protest.

This caught the attention of some of the other NXT roster members. "Don't tell me you're already going," Candice tried her best puppy dog eyes on her from the other table. "We just got here!"

Adaline smiled sadly. "I'll see you guys in Winter Park soon." The next set of tapings weren't until the end of the week, but she was planning to get back as soon as possible. That all depended on how quick the process was going to be once landing in Illinois.

It seemed like she was one of the first ones to leave, as it was still within the first hour of everybody arriving. A chorus of goodbye's followed from the crowd. She stood up.

"Be safe," Christopher said, also standing up to give her a quick hug. Among all of the Undisputed guys, Adaline saw him as a big brother figure the most. He'd known her since she was an annoying eighteen year old who demanded the wrestling world at the palm of her hand—now, she was just an annoying thirty year old who demanded it.

She hugged him back, waved at Kyle, and ruffled Bobby and Austin's hair. "Bye, boys." They responded with their own farewells, dejected that she was leaving so soon—as if the five never left each other's sides in Florida already.

The last beast of the night that Adaline had to conquer was grabbing her purse. It was abandoned when she left for the Undisputed boys and remained nestled beside Trinity at her original table. The occupants also included Jonathan, Nattie, TJ, Claudio, and Stephen. All she had to do was walk past the table before them. It wasn't that hard.

Speeding past them, Adaline could swear that she felt a burning sensation at the back of her head and she could only pray that it was just her imagination and not either Colby or Becky staring. It'd been months since they went public with their relationship and Adaline had effectively avoided talking to either one of them unless she absolutely had to. Maybe it wasn't very mature of her, but confronting that reality was painful and awkward. She tried to relax her body, remaining natural, as she approached her destination.

Claudio was the first one to notice her and must've thought that she was coming over to join them because he scooted over to leave a space for her. Instead, Adaline shook her head and instead leaned over to pick up her small purse wedged in between Nattie and Trinity.

"Already? What time is your flight?" Trinity frowned, watching her friend.

Adaline sighed. "In three hours. I'm just gonna grab my things and haul my ass straight to the airport, so I can sleep on the plane."

Another chorus of farewells emerged. The night was finally over and Adaline seemed to have the least amount of energy out of everybody in the room. Most of them had what was going to be, as it always was, a rowdy Raw show to look forward to tomorrow night. There was still a buzz in the air and she truly wanted to indulge in it, but there was just so much on her mind.

Her lack of spot on the card. Colby. Selling the house that she made home with him. Her upcoming contract negotiations. She just needed some alone time in her rental car with the windows all the way down and the music all the way up.

Maybe not alone.

Upon exiting the restaurant, the midnight summer chill planted a kiss on Adaline and she shivered slightly. That's when she felt the draping of a worn, light jacket over her shoulders. Taken aback, she turned around and was faced with Austin's icy blue eyes. He smiled slightly, his eyes disappearing into crescents.

"Hey."

She raised an eyebrow. "Hey." Then, she hadn't even realized it, but he snatched her keys away from her. "Hey!" Adaline yelled this time, but he was already gone.

Austin said, "I saw you having a drink. Better safe than sorry, right?" He'd already unlocked her rental car and she began jogging towards him.

"You really don't have to," she stated, even though she knew he wasn't going to take no for an answer.

A year ago, there was no way she could've imagined being in this position. Adaline wouldn't have even dreamed of being friends with Austin once again. Yet, she was standing here, fresh off of a Takeover of all things. She couldn't believe it. Something told her that this wasn't the end of this rollercoaster ride and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to not lose herself in the daze.

#adam cole imagine #adam cole fanfic #adam cole x reader #wwe fanfic #wwe imagine #adam cole fanfiction #hm series

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just-a-goose-with-a-blog · 3 years

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so sick of hearing people talk about cutting the military's budget. how are they going to afford enough crayons for the marines to eat.

#this is completely a joke #just so we’re all clear #the part about not cutting the military budget is a joke #it is true that marines eat crayons

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twistednuns · 3 years

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February 2021

Irises and purple, lavender and white hyacinths. For merely three bucks. What a gorgeous bouquet.

My own thai curry recipe. It's THAT delicious.

A pep talk from Manu. Realising I really need to take more chances. And get rid of that dude I've been hanging out with. I've been feeling so stuck lately. I'm toying with the idea of giving it all up. Quitting my job. Leaving the country. Just to see what happens. Because I'm pretty sure I'll love what happens next. / Whatever worlds you live in, there are other worlds out there. If you are uninspired living life a certain way, it’s your duty to change. Nothing, not a relationship or job or housing situation, is worth sacrificing your ravenous hunger for life for. X

I feel my obsession with artificial cherry flavour creeping back up on me. Cherry-flavoured diet coke is one of my guiltiest pleasures.

I keep seeing those multicolour graffiti tags everywhere and I finally found out what kind of pen they use for this effect! I ordered one, I just had to, and it's fantastic. So beautiful and vibrant! I've already asked around how illegal it is to walk around the neighbourhood signing my tag on random surfaces...

Fresh pineapple.

The ocean. Talking about diving. Watching documentaries about marine life like My Octopus Teacher and Blue Planet. Drawing nautical objects, sea dragons and mollusks.

Learning more about apophenia.

It actually smells like spring in the forest and the days are already so much longer. I even saw a deer jumping over the path last night. I even got Frank to join my on my walk for the first time.

A little glimpse of summer. The south of France is my happy place I keep going back to. But there are more little reminders of the world out there, of travel and summer, that I thoroughly enjoy. Like watching Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat with Samin Nosrat. Not only do I really want to try making my own Tahdig now but I also kept smiling throughout the whole show because they filmed episodes in Italy, Japan and Mexico. Just imagine walking across a citrus market in the Yucatan right now. Or making Pesto Genovese with an Italian nonna in a Ligurian castle. Maybe even learning how to make your own miso in a remote corner of Japan. There is so much longing within me at the moment. What made my virtual culinary travels even better was Netflix's Street Food series. I especially enjoyed the episodes from Bolivia and Mexico.

I May Destroy You. Different, and very relevant.

This year's Valentine's Day happened to be pretty rad. So I've exchanged the boring nerd I had been dating with an exciting artist from Colombia. John is a painter, a poet, photographer and filmmaker who gave me a Spanish copy of an Oscar Wilde book with a poem he had written for me. My cold and cynical German heart is not used to wooing on this level but I love it. On Sunday we walked through the English Garden and Schwabing in the sunshine, took photos, looked at some art and antiquarian bookshop windows. We saw two cats inside the cat café, bought fancy macarons at Maelu and just kept talking. I even found a few interesting books about dream interpretation on my way home. John has a reference to Kleist's tragedy Penthesilea tattooed on his collarbone - Küsse/Bisse ("das reimt sich, und wer recht von Herzen liebt, kann schon das eine für das andre greifen"). He is a Scorpio with impeccable taste and sends me songs he plays for me on the guitar / Cocteau Twins tunes upon waking up. I really needed this.

Having my students create English comics with Pixton. I love how much their avatars actually look like them! I hope they had fun, too.

The smell of cherry-flavoured candy wafting through the air.

Semolina pudding with banana. The subtle heat does something to the bananas; the combination is simply delicious.

I watched the first season of Chef's Table and was really impressed by Francis Mallmann. I admire his courage and lifestyle. The constant change he craves. The way he speaks foreign languages and just bravely does his very own, unique thing. I want to live like that, too.

A crystal clear view of the Orion constellation.

Very fine snow powder against the sunlight. As if it was raining glitter.

Feeling cool and confident. A fleeting feeling but it makes such a big difference.

When we practice forgiveness, we let go of shame. Embedded in our shame is always a sense of being unworthy. It separates. Compassion and forgiveness reconnect us. / reading bell hooks' all about love.

Mustering up enough motivation to go through all my stuff in the basement and put a few items on eBay. I'd been putting this off for years now.

I'm amazed how good my phone camera is. I took some pictures in the pitch-black forest and you can make out the moonlight on the path and even see star constellations on the photo.

Spending quality time with a cuddly kitty boi.

Blue corn quesadillas prepared for me by a bloody gorgeous Mexican metalhead.

Writing that message I should have written weeks ago (letting Simon know that I wasn't particularly interested in dating him anymore).

Trolli burgers. The best gummy candy out there. Arguably the most fun. I love being able to disassemble my food and eat it layer by layer.

John's story about that acid trip on a boat somewhere in the ocean off the Colombian coast. They lay under the bright moonlight and were suddenly surrounded by Gray whales communicating with each other through song.

The spicy smell of a fresh, moist loaf of rye bread. Eating it with soured butter and salt.

The first snowdrops of the year.

Another one about the moon: walking home late one evening there was a lunar corona in the fog. I loved how the light illuminated my arms in that cool, white light.

The morning after the worst weekend in months or maybe even years (with both a mental breakdown and a medical emergency because misery loves company, eh?) Waking up early, pain-free. With a little spark of excitement and motivation. Just lying around for an hour in the darkness. Meditating. Falling back asleep for a little while. Getting up eventually, brushing my teeth and hair, painting my nails.

Painting more. Just experimenting with colour, intuitively. Without putting pressure on myself. The other night I painted with oil pastels and chalky pastel crayons while watching Dawson's Creek (I successfully avoided this series for 20 years and now, in my thirties, I start watching it?).

Bananas with nut butter, dark chocolate and sea salt.

Meditating with the blanket covering my nose. Breathing in fresh laundry smell.

Riding home from school with Anastasia, talking about diving adventures.

Reading Jill Heinerth's book Into the Planet. Her career as an explorer and cave diver is breathtakingly exciting. I couldn't put that memoir down. And it made me even more antsy. I'm really unhappy and bored right now - I wanna go out and learn something new, explore, live a little more.

Going to work without make-up. In the last ten or even fifteen years I put on make-up every single day I went to school. I'm done. Lockdown made me come to terms with the look of my bare face.

Learning about Antarctica cruises. It only takes about 24hours to reach the area from Argentina! I'd really love to go but the cruises are crazy expensive.

My house plants sprouting new leaves.

The moment the pain suddenly stops and you can breathe again.

Tropical breakfast. Banana, kiwi, mango, pineapple. And plain yoghurt. Decidedly non-tropical.

#personal #present perfect #things i love #february 2021 #2021 #february

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the-woman-in-the-writing · 5 years

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“When the Moon Walked Among Us” a short fiction

Rating: PG Word Count: 3,164

Author’s note: I’ve always been good at remembering my dreams, and that seemed like a useless talent until I dreamed the world ended. I wrote this story as a way of preserving how vivid and realistic (yet a bit weird) my dream was, though please take note that I am not the narrator (in my stories, the narrator is never me). I didn’t revise, add, or deleted any scene or part in this dream-story. Everything you’re about to read was purely dreamed by yours truly.

Maybe it was the end of the world. Maybe it wasn’t. They never knew for sure what it was and why it happened. Only one thing was clear: nothing was ever the same again. Not after everything…

No.

People came together all over the world to watch the Super Moon. They packed their tents and barbecues, set up camp in wherever there was a clear field and open sky, turned off their lights, and waited. Families, friends, lovers, and strangers. We all came to watch the Super Moon that was said to last for a whole day. People chatted with one another, talking about their families or whoever they came with, over burgers and beer. The children made new friends and played by the sunset with their flashlights and food wrapper paper planes.

Everyone waited for the Super Moon.

They said it will be the most beautiful thing you’ll ever see. And it was. Despite everything that happened after, it really was.

When the evening came and everyone had piled up beside their tents and prepared their telescopes or binoculars, the Super Moon came into view: beautiful, big, round, and luminous, tinged and glowing with a creamy orange light that everyone marveled at. We were wolves staring at the moon, waiting to be transformed into something greater and stronger. It was so close that you could almost see every spot and crater in great detail even without a telescope or binoculars.

Then we went home, talked about it on the drive, posted pictures of it on the internet with stupid captions and hashtags, and showed it on the news. But as the world spun around this captivating piece of heaven, we all took turns, the people of the world. Of viewing. Of taking photos. Of making art. Of writing poetry. At one point you could say everyone was looking at the same thing as you could never miss it, this beautiful thing.

Later, people will believe that the Super Moon brought the world together for one tiny yet impactful moment in history. Not everyone will think so, but most will.

But we would all agree that this was the beginning.

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” - Romans 8:18

II.

No one could sleep.

When it started, no one knew why. Everyone in the world shifted in their beds and wondered why it was 2am and they couldn’t sleep. Though we all woke up on time, in sync with our 7am alarm, the atmosphere felt like noon: hot and awake. At work or at school we all exchanged, I couldn’t sleep last night’s and me too’s, and two hours after we all ate our lunches the sun was already setting. We were all confused. That night, no one got a good night’s sleep.

We asked the scientists, but some of them kept silent. Some of them said it was normal. We didn’t know what to think; we just wanted to sleep.

After a while, people started getting sick or getting into accidents. Most of us developed insomnia and loss of appetite. Those who started falling asleep again began while they were driving on their way to work. By the end of the month, most of the headlines yelled CRASH, DEAD, and INJURED. Children cried out of fear, wondering why they couldn’t avoid the darkness of the night by sleeping. Their parents grumbled, tired and sleepless as well.

Our days shortened. Life felt fast with our 16-hour days, but we’re humans. Of course, we found a way to adjust to it eventually. We stayed up all night partying, reading, drinking, texting, praying, and wandering; we opened and closed our stores much later; we extended our Late, Late Shows; and we made clocks that had shorter hours.

That didn’t mean we slept well and regularly again. Sometimes we would still shift in our beds and turn our pillows over and under our heads. The digits of 8 midnight would seem to blink endlessly by our bedside table. And if sleep was hopeless, we all stared at the moon, which was closer than it was three months ago.

“Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed…” - 1 Corinthians 15:51

III.

It was all over the news: a lion with a school of dead fish washed up ashore on a beach in India. No one knew where the lion came from or how it made it all the way there, but people were speculating it had something to do with the moon and how it traveled a hundred thousand kilometers closer to us in just five months.

Again, we asked the scientists. And again, they either kept silent or said it was normal.

It’s part of the earth’s natural process.

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

It’s nothing to worry about.

From 384, 400 kilometers to 274, 575, we knew that was something to worry about, but we didn’t know everything. The how’s and the why’s. So, we relied on the scientists, because in science we trust and in God we doubt.

No one lived by the beaches anymore, even fishermen. By day, beaches would get so dry that you could walk for three hours and see nothing but land still. You’d step on a dead baby crab once in a while and by the time you’re looking back to where you came from, your legs would be gift-wrapped with seaweed and glittered with sand. At first, we couldn’t figure out the best way to fish and go on cruises because by night the water would get so high that it would swallow up any structure within fifty kilometers. In Ireland they say you’d be able to climb half of a sea cliff during the night.

After a while, the ecosystem went crazy and we went hungry. Partly because we’d just been adjusting to the 16-hour days, but mainly because the animals had a harder time getting used to it. Most of the fishes we caught were dead, and no one dared to fish in the middle of the night as weather became more unpredictable. Crops were no exception. Half of them died along with the marine life.

But then again, we were humans. We found a way to survive.

Almost everything we ate were manufactured in a shape of a cylinder or cube. We wrote recipe books that said, “101 Ways to Cook Canned Food” or “Canned You Cook This?” And we hid almost every vegetable we had left in fear of someone stealing it. Then by moonlight, if we felt having something that reminded us of how the world used to be, we would eat our roasted genetically modified chickens and our children would say, “Daddy, daddy, the moon is the size of my fist!”

“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.” - 2 Timothy 3:1

IV.

Our days shortened to 14 hours and depending on which part of the world you lived in, you either bathed in the sun or crept in the dark for more than half a day. The lands were cracked eggshells in Southern Asia and Africa, just like their skin. News reporters, missionaries, and tourists who travelled from the cold, dark North cried at swimming pools and parks because they missed the heat, and sometimes children would mistake them for ghosts or banshees.

Earth’s tilt was at 45-degrees and up in the North, where it almost snowed all year-round with only a month to melt almost half of the ice. People who didn’t die to lack of sleep or hunger died in the cold; in the South, they dried up like beef jerky. And before even Christmas arrived there were already no feeding programs or charity cases anymore, because all the beggars were dead and buried under our snow.

One time, a friend said, “My daughter came home from school and gave me her drawing. Their teacher had asked them to draw and color different kinds of people from all over the world and you know what? Even the Asian is black now!” We laughed for a second or so, but we stopped for a lot of reasons.

“You know, you could draw the moon and the sky and still use the same crayons.”

He replied, “The moon will take half of the paper though”

“And if those days had not been cut short, no human being would be saved. But for the sake of the elect those days will be cut short.” - Mark 13:20

Big, bold letters sprawled across every outlet store, every shopping center, and every thrift shop, and they all spelled the same thing: WINTER CLOTHES FOR SALE. We scavenged the last of our animals that could provide us warmth and security because nothing says, “We will survive this deadly winter” like wool jackets made from our frozen sheep and a pair of leather gloves, freshly skinned from our endangered cows.

Then the world figured out how to get what it wants. The North began to ask the South for animals: chickens, pigs, cows – every farm animal you can find in a children’s story book. Because no animal we could eat could survive the winter that long and we don’t know where the fishes went. On the other hand, the South asked for vegetables and lots of ice. And finally, we were able to travel conveniently again when we’ve figured out where to put all the ice, and the people of the South were happy as long as they got fresh vegetables on their plates and ice to keep them hydrated and cool. It didn’t matter that their forests and crops burned up and that their rivers were nothing but empty veins, because it was enough that they ate and drank.

It wasn’t easy, of course. We all complained. We all asked the scientists.

“How do we survive?”

We no longer asked if we were going to be okay or if they were lying about half of the world being frozen and the other half burning as something normal, and that we will be finishing the year earlier than expected. The scientists said there was nothing to worry about. We had to take their word for it, because what could we do if even they can’t do something about it?

So, no one just talked about the moon that watched over us, except maybe for the Internet that made jokes and funny pictures about it.

What’s important was that we made it out of this alive.

So, our scientists – all kinds – genetically modified our animals and manipulated our crops; they reproduced fishes in their laboratories; they made special facilities for storing water; they invented brand new foods with whatever was left to help get us all the nutrients we need; and they gave us technology and guides to help us do all of this at home.

If the sky was clear, we would find ourselves looking at the moon and its craters and spots, with our faces painted with moonlight. We were still wolves waiting to be transformed into something greater and stronger. Something that could survive all this.

We prayed.

Even though in science we trust and in God we doubt.

“Pray that it may not happen in winter. For in those days there will be such tribulations as has not been from the beginning of the creation that God created until now, and never will be.” - Mark 13:19

VI.

What follows is a series of tragedies: tragedies we know of; tragedies we named; tragedies that weren’t 14-hour days, mass animal endangerment, world famine, or a half-frozen, half melting world – tragedies that we were used to.

Earthquakes and the tsunamis that followed sunk islands as we welcomed a new year. All the small countries that lived on islands no longer resurfaced; their people would’ve been declared extinct if it weren’t for migration. If somebody were to make a world map at that time, you’ll no longer find Singapore, Malaysia, Brunei, Fiji, Cuba, or any of the islands as small as them on the map. Half of Japan and Indonesia sunk, and only a quarter of the Philippines resurfaced.

We lost seven percent of the world population. That’s half a billion people crushed by debris and drowned with the resources they traded all over the world. All their memories of their childhoods, first loves, and heartbreaks were reduced to nothing but rocks in the ocean to be covered by algae or barnacles. They were Atlantis, and a story come true have never felt so tragic.

People were devastated, of course. But we were all very hungry too. Those who weren’t affected by the earthquakes refused to help. There were incoming hurricanes and we all thought,

The dead will remain dead.

Half a billion people don’t need food, shelter, or medicine anymore.

There was no use in sharing resources with the few hundreds of survivors when more than a billion need it to stay alive.

Some people thought it was cruel and selfish, but by then we weren’t humans anymore. We were savages scraping what was left of the world we destroyed. And as much as we hate to eat and drink what should’ve been shared to the survivors of the Great Sink, we still did. We were all so hungry. God, we were hungry.

Then the hurricanes came along with their floods, landslides, and tornadoes, and they killed us and our animals. Homes were destroyed. Families were separated. Children were orphaned. There were about five billion people left in the world.

This must be a bad dream, we thought.

A sick joke.

That’s what this is.

“There will be great earthquakes, and in various places famines and pestilences. And there will be terrors and great signs from heaven.” - Luke 21:11

VII.

People found evidence of advanced technology being developed and used by scientists, the same ones who told us that the world was not ending. (Or so we believed.)

There was a mass production of high-tech projectors and weather instruments that were launched into space to control what we saw on the horizon and what we didn’t. (Or so they say.)

The media was accused and persecuted for false news and being paid of hush-money to keep the so-called truth a secret. (Or so we wanted.)

Hundreds of data was discovered to contain information about a world-wide human experiment determining the effects of a global catastrophe and series of disasters on human behavior. (Or so they say.)

We imprisoned CEOs, scientists, and news reporters. We raided their homes, stole their food and clothes, and hurt their loved ones. We killed them in our dreams every night and ripped them limb by limb in the sleepless ones as we lay on the floors of our wrecked home, covered in snow or in sweat, and still staring at the moon that isn’t back to its rightful, safe distance. (And so we did.)

Everything will be back to normal once we shut down all those projectors and controllers. We will learn to live again and be humans.

And the world was not ending after all.

(And that’s what we wanted to believe.)

“And then many will fall away and betray one another and hate one another. And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold.” - Matthew 24:10-12

VIII.

People came together all over the world to watch the world end. They held their children or whoever they had left, gathered food and shared them with others as a last act of kindness, set up camp in wherever there was a field with no debris or remnant of a human being, and waited. Families, friends, lovers, and strangers. We all came to witness The Day that was said to last a lifetime. People chatted with one another, talking about their families or whoever they lost, over empty stomachs and chapped lips. The children stayed with the adults and clung onto them with unending fear and the memory of a lost childhood.

Everyone waited for The Day.

They said it will be the most dreadful thing you’ll ever see. And it was. Despite everything that happened before, it really was.

When the hour came and everyone had piled up beside the broken homes or fallen trees, the moon stared right us as always: terrifying, big, round, luminous, and waiting to collide with our fallen earth. We were wolves staring at the moon, waiting to be transformed into something greater and stronger. It was so close that you could almost see every calamity and loss you’ve endured the past year in great detail even without a telescope, binoculars, or a washed-up family album or baby shoes.

We stayed and faced our inevitable fate. Some still managed to post pictures of it on the internet with stupid captions and hashtags. There were even people who showed it on the news. But as the world spun around this frightening piece of heaven, we all took turns, the people of the world. Of viewing. Of taking photos. Of crying. Of hugging and kissing one last time. Everyone was living the Day as you could never miss it, even if you wanted to.

And we all believed that the moon will crash into us and wipe us out for old times’ sake, but it wasn’t much later that we heard the most chilling, bone shattering sound we ever got to hear: the sound of the moon cracking, like a breaking iceberg, echoing into our souls, and resonating as weeping and almost hushed screams.

Some people swore they saw Christ come out of the moon, accompanied by angels. Not everyone believes so.

But we all agreed that when we saw pieces of the moon falling down on us in slow motion, helpless and blazing, that it was disturbingly beautiful.

It was then that I kissed my wife for the last time.

“But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light, and the stars will be falling from heaven; and the powers of heaven will be shaken.” - Mark 13:24-25

E P I L O G U E

There were survivors and they were less than a hundred. They spent the last days on earth, freezing, weeping, and gnashing their teeth in the dark. The sun died. The moon is gone. There is only but loneliness living and walking among the few humans who had gathered up the will to keep on breathing.

They couldn’t accept that that was the end of the world. If it was, there shouldn’t have been anyone left. But there was, and it was them.

Soon, they realized there was nothing left to do but wait.

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libraford · 5 years

Photo

ALL THE ROSE PROFILES (so far)

Tag yourself at your own risk, there’s a lot of them.

First photo: Coffee Break (brown, top) and Cherry Brandy (amber-pink, bottom)

Second photo: Jade (green), Sonrisa (yellow on top), Pink Mondial (pink), Tara (yellow-green on right), Tibet (white), blueberry (purple), Neena (orange red)

Third photo: Nina (light pink), Carpe Diem (peach)

Fourth photo: Iguana (coral, bottom left), Brighton (yellow), Ocean Song(lavendar), Black Magic (dark red), Atomic (red tipped yellow, bottom right.)

Fifth photo: Tycoon (yellow orange) and Tiffany (peach) roses

Sixth photo: Shogun (purple) Brave (deep magenta) Amnesia (purple gray) and Tabasco (pink tip yellow)

Cherry Brandy is an ART MOM, even if they’re not a mom and even if they’re not related to you- if you call them ‘mom’ they will respond. Folk art, goes to craft shows and sells painted chairs. Buys way more art than they sell. Too many necklaces and rings, many layers of clothes. Stylish yet comfy. Coffee Break is Farmer’s Market Dad, despite being no one’s father and also bearing no relation to you. If there is a space in their home that has room for a bookshelf, there is a bookshelf there and by golly- there are books. The occasional cigar. It’s uncertain whether they were in the Navy, but the stories they tell certainly would imply it. Blazers and loafers.

Jade- Is all about the chill. Listens to vaporwave and trance music. Has been to at least one silent disco and would definitely go back if they could remember where it was. Manages to both never sleep and also sleep all the time. Can never find them when you need them. Sonrisa- Calls you ‘sweet pea’ and means it. Lemonade, jean shorts, and a toolbox. Knows how to carry a tune and give your truck a tune-up. Sneaks out at night even though they don’t have a curfew, no one knows where they go. Pink Mondial- is going to have the fairytale wedding that they imagined when they were six, despite not having a significant other yet. Still waiting for 'the one.’ Attempted online dating at one point but got a little freaked out by it. Prefers cake over ice cream. Tara- The party don’t start til they walk in! A real night-owl. Neon signs and headlights, cover charges and cutting in line. Always hungry, trying to fill a void. Doesn’t remember what daylight looks like. Sarcastic sense of humor to cover up low self-esteem. Tibet- T I R E D. So tired. Please just let them sleep. They are tired. Makes jokes that they don’t realize that are morbid until they tell it to the wrong person and then they feel bad about it for the next four years. Curious about death and dying, but not in a goth way- more in a science and philosophy way. But still… just… so… tired. Go to bed, Tibet. Blueberry- Will never graduate from their Emo Phase. If it’s black with a neon accent, they will buy it, wear it, and when the thing is worn into torn rags they will sew it into something else. Tries really hard to be edgy but comes off as… trying REALLY hard to be edgy. Resurrects memes from the early 2000’s as a coping mechanism. Striped socks. Invader Zim. Made you a cookie, but they eated it. Neena- The kind of artist that other artists HATE. Uses unconventional materials- melted crayons, tar paper, house paint, scrap metal. Has an entire shed dedicated to the accumulation of this stuff and even actually uses it. Knows how to weld. If you’ve got some junk you want gone, they’ll make something out of it and what’s worse? They’ll sell it for a dollar with a smug smile on their face. Youtube personality.

Nina- Shy. A popular person, but they have no idea why. Everyone wants them to become a model or actor but they get stage fright too easily and aren’t likely to change that about themselves. Prefers numbers to people, but can be coerced out to social places provided it isn’t too loud there. Carpe Diem- Just let them be a mermaid. It’s all they want. They wanted to be a marine biologist because they thought it meant they could swim with dolphins but it turns out you have to memorize a bunch of names. Hair goes down to their butt and proud of it. Flower crowns. Seashells in their jewelry. Saw Aquaman four times in theaters.

Iguana is a Crafter with a capital C. If there’s a Pinterest tutorial on it, they’ve tried to make it at least once (to the result of many failures.) Their business model is ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained.’ There is glitter. Everywhere. Their house is a mess and there’s nothing that can stop it from getting bigger. Fabric hoarder. Tends to say things like 'I’ll use it in /something/.’ Brighton used to play the flute in high school, but the competitive nature of music school has burned them out on instruments that aren’t fun. Now plays the ukelele on Youtube. Sundresses, short hair, winged eyeliner. Attempted unicycle. Has had many, many different jobs. None of them stuck. Emotional support extrovert. Ocean Song is The Sad Friend. Gets their hopes up easy and just as easily gets their feelings hurt. Just wants to stay at home and curl up in a blanket for the next century but /noooooo./ Listens to binaural beats and ASMR videos. Forgets to eat. Often. Needs someone to check on them. Black Magic is Old School Goth. Remembers when Hot Topic wasn’t a thing and is kind of glad it’s not 'the goth store’ anymore because it kind of wasn’t goth enough for them anyway (but they still shopped there. Has at least two keychains from The Old Days). Coffee. Unabashedly Bad Poetry. Despite all this? Probably the most genuinely optimistic people you’ve ever met. Atomic has spent more than one summer working for a traveling circus. Has tattoos they don’t remember getting but figures 'it’s all good.’ Rides a motorcycle and keeps a journal of their travels across the states- but it’s mostly a record of places where they’ve seen cool dogs. Tells excellent stories- who gives a crap if they’re true or not? Has been craving venison for like four years now.

Tycoon is TOTALLY RAD and knows all the best spots for surfing, snowboarding, and mountain biking. Drinks like four Monsters a day, but won’t touch alcohol after that one night they played Thumper and got too messed up over it and they swear they’re clean now. Misses Ska. Tiffany has a really, really, really strong urge to find a spot on the beach, set up an umbrella and blanket, and spend the rest of their life reading trashy romance novels there. Has at least one piece of art that says ‘live laugh love’ and it’s probably in their living room. Breakfast consists of coffee and biscotti.

Shogun is a hopeless romantic that handwrites all their letters. She loves wine a little too much, and sings ‘Total Eclipse if the Heart’ at karaoke. Brave is a woman working her way to the top of the corporate ladder and specifically asks for every Wednesday off- not because she has a prior engagement on that day but just to make herself seem like a desireable candidate by appearing to have other commitments. She spends this day at a Mexican restaurant eating bottomless tortilla chips and salsa. Amnesia has a finely-curated Instagram with a penchant for beautifully ugly things, such as graffiti or rusting structures. They carry a camera with them everywhere and think of themselves as an observer of humanity rather than a participant. Tabasco has driven the entire length of the US twice and would do it again in a heartbeat if someone told them there was a burger joint they just had to try. Unironically idolizes Guy Fieri.

#Rose profiles

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northernrainforest · 5 years

Text

Budget Cuts

In case you’re too busy reading my blog to follow the politics of the state of Alaska, here’s a brief rundown from an admitted newcomer. Last October when he was up for reelection, Bill Walker, the previous governor and an Independent, stepped down in the aftermath of a scandal involving “inappropriate overtures” made to a woman by his lieutenant governor. That left two contenders. The Democrat, Mark Begich, had been a US senator; Flo actually met him at our local radio station when they were both being interviewed on the same day. Ladybug and I were listening for Flo to come on and talk about university events but Begich talked for awhile before Flo’s segment; I found him interesting, but Ladybug was not impressed.

“Ugh,” she said. “He just keeps talking!” In short, most people’s view of politicians.

I think it goes without saying (does it go without saying?) that I am a Democrat – though my recent move to the “coast” of the Tongass Narrows changes slightly my status as a member of the coastal elite. Regardless, Flo and I were pretty dang disappointed that Begich lost. The winner, Republican Mike Dunleavy, was elected on the campaign promise of restoring the PFD. Allow me to explain – again, forgiving my very rudimentary understanding of the whole thing. The Alaska permanent fund was established in the late seventies, in the wake of the construction of the Alaska pipeline; a lump sum is given to each Alaskan once a year, with the variable amount effectively contingent on the price of oil. This year it amounted to about $1600 for every man, woman and child in the state; in the past it’s been significantly more. (I should note that we won’t receive it until we’ve lived here a full calendar year, which will mean 2020 for the three of us and 2021 for Bronson, I believe – the indignity of having a birthday in early January.) To outsiders, those of us who just moved here from down south and aren’t yet eligible, for example – it can feel like a bonus. But to many Alaskans, it is the thing they wait for all year. A friend here told me that there are people in remote villages who rely on the PFD to pay their bills. The day before the dividends were handed out last fall, I overheard a salty dog of an old man, possibly drunk, talking on the phone.

“I’ll get you the money as soon as the PFD comes through,” he said, like a character in the Alaska version of a gangster film: To Live and Die in Ketchikan.

And it’s not only homesteaders and people living on the fringes. This money is important to people. One of my friends used hers to buy a new oven; they’d been out an oven for eight months, waiting for the PFD. In the lobby of the aquatics center last October, watching our kids practice the front crawl, parents debated about whether to use the money for vacations or household upgrades (middle-class concerns to be sure, but I did notice that none of the people I knew actually used the money for vacations – something else always seemed more urgent.) All that to say, Dunleavy was elected in part on the basis of his campaign promise calling to restore the PFD’s former glory, and to retroactively distribute funds he felt had been taken from the people by the previous administration. Now. I’m not going to delve too deep into the politics of a state to which I have just moved. I really don’t know what the right answer is. I do know this: a budget that allows for Dunleavy to award this money also includes cuts in the billions of dollars to the Alaska Marine Highway system and the University of Alaska. Obviously, the latter of those two would be a real problem for us. If Flo were to lose his job, the life that we’ve built here over the last eight months would be impossible to maintain. We would have to move. As I write this (and “write” should be in quotation marks, since I’m talking into my notes app like an old timey doctor into a dictaphone), I’m walking down Jackson from the top of a high hill, looking out towards snowcapped mountains on Gravina Island with the waters of the Tongass Narrows gliding by below. We had friends over for dinner last night, a chaotic group of kids and babies and nursing mothers, all sitting around eating linguine and clams and talking about hiking. I called Ladybug’s school yesterday to ask about serving on their board. Things are happening for us here – things we like. Bronson was born here. I won’t be dramatic and say that I plan on dying in Ketchikan. I have no idea where or when I’ll die. (Way to bring the mood down, Bolton.) But we’ve been very happy here. And frankly, I wouldn’t even know where to go next. So as it turns out, the looming budget cuts for the state of Alaska, which are probably not even national news, well, they’re affecting us on the most basic of levels right now. I will say, we have high hopes. I could go into detail, but the gist of it is that, though small, the Ketchikan campus features a maritime academy that the governor has toured and thought very highly of. Flo thinks that may be the salvation of the school. Then again: if the marine highway system shuts down, is there any point in a maritime academy at all? Any thoughts of buying a house have been tabled, at least for the moment. All this has gotten me thinking about the ways I inadvertently implement cuts in my own little life. I didn’t go on my regular walk today, the one where I tuck Bronson into the carrier and watch his eyes grow heavy and eventually close. Ladybug stayed home from school, Flo had several meetings at funny times, and the day just sort of got away from me. So it’s evening now, though it’s still light (it’s amazing how quickly the days have started to get longer) and I’m walking by myself. I didn’t start the walk by myself, though. When Flo got home and I handed off the baby, Ladybug chimed in and told me that she wanted to come on my walk. I started to say no. I fact, I did say no. A couple of times. But she was undaunted. My brother and sister-in-law had sent her a super-secret spy notebook today and some new crayons. She put on her shoes and a little stocking hat and grabbed her notebook. Off we set: me slightly annoyed that I wasn’t getting my time alone and would have to slow my pace; Ladybug all excitement.

We did start slowly. Ladybug kept stopping me so she could unbutton her little notebook, pull out a crayon, scribble something, and then reverse the process. She pointed things out, too. “Look Mama!” Ladybug said. “It’s a ketchup and mustard house!” It was true: there are two houses next to each other a few blocks from us, one bright yellow and one bright red, that I’d never really noticed before. “Look Mama!” she said, indicating across the street from the condiment houses. “That house is so cool!” It was a wide house with two levels and a big deck that looked sort of like a duplex but wasn’t; I couldn’t tell you why it was cool, but it was. “Stop!” she shouted, still only three blocks from home. “I have to look at my map.” Ladybug pulled out her notebook and consulted the scribbles she had made earlier. She pointed us in the direction that we should head. She found some berries. She noticed buses. She ran ahead, and lagged behind, and drew pictures and talked and held my hand and laughed and skipped. Eventually she’d had enough so we doubled back, I dropped her off, and I picked up my pace. If having a newborn means falling in love with someone you’ve just met, having a five-year-old when you have a newborn, at least for me, has meant something closer to a marriage that’s headed for divorce. The newborn relationship is a series of meet-cutes: “He spit up all over me and then looked at me so helplessly that I had to laugh!” Parenting the older child now consists of button-pressing and limit-testing, of the building up of micro-aggressions that lead to epic explosions: “She threw a tantrum because I put yogurt, then fruit, then granola, but she wanted the fruit on the bottom and I LITERALLY CAN’T ANYMORE.”

Children always ask if their parents will love them less when the new baby comes along. The parents always say no, of course not, there’s room enough in our hearts for all of you. Which is true. But what we fail to mention is that it’s really easy to love a newborn; it’s much harder to love almost anyone else. When Flo and Ladybug have argued in the past and she’s come to me in tears, I’ve often said to her, “It’s hard to live with other people.“ A new baby is a person, but with respect to Magda Gerber and Dr. Sears and everyone who preaches the importance of respecting our newborns – they are still just barely people. Yes, each baby has a life of his own, and I have immense respect for what what my baby has been through up to this point and the person he already is. But. A baby is also a vessel for all of our dreams, for the things we love about ourselves and our partners; he represents the abundance of life that we have been seeking and, in his shy smile and soulful eyes, have finally found. (We had that time with Ladybug too, I should say, and it was dreamy.) A child, though, is in many ways already fully realized. Ladybug is the most intense version of herself at five, even if that five-year-old self will only exist until she turns six. For the rest of her life she will embody the self that she is at that moment, in that season, and it will be fascinating and thrilling and scary for her dad and me to behold. Right now it’s intense, because five-year-olds can be intense. They can be bullheaded, attention-seeking, and mean. Ha. Sounds like me sometimes – must be my daughter. Which is what the walk reminded me. That this girl with her notebook and her rainbow-colored coat – because “rainbow” is her favorite color – is still the manifestation of everything that has ever mattered to me. The arrival of her brother has made it harder for me to have the patience to remember that, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I’d like to think that I’ll be kinder tomorrow, that I won’t snap at her when she lifts up a table and carries it, haphazardly and seemingly for no reason, directly over the tiny bed in which her brother is sleeping. I can’t guarantee that will happen. I’m growing too. I’m trying to be the best version of myself at this season in my life, and I’m not always particularly successful. But the magic of life and of parenthood is that I’ve made no campaign promises. I have no constituents that are going to send me packing after one term if I don’t deliver. My cabinet is populated by people who cheer me on and commiserate with me and make me laugh, and I can wake up every morning and decide how best to move forward.

So if Alaska Marine represents travel and the university represents education, then couldn’t it be said I’m cutting them out of my own budget by not taking a walk with my daughter, by not learning from her and helping her learn? How can I ask the governor to keep funding these institutions unless I’m funding them in my own life?

Ladybug’s maps were so clear in her own mind; all I saw were scribbles. That’s the way it is sometimes with maps. I’m just going to keep walking and looking for berries along the way, hoping for the best.

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