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averyscarlet-blog · 3 years

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Project Clypse

Hello there stranger! If you don’t know who I am, or you’re too lazy to read my name, I’m AveryScarlet! You can simply call me Avery or Av. And if you know me on fanfiction.net, mostly through my works Mercury Alchemist or Final Fantasy Versus XV, welcome! Now, for a while now, I’ve been wanting to write up my own original story. Issue with me, thanks to college in the past, I haven’t properly developed the mindset to write a full-blown novel. I’ve gotten so used to typing up a chapter or two in a month before publishing them that I can’t properly focus as an actual writer should.

As much as I want to focus on writing some of my fanfiction, I can’t because I’m focusing on studying for NCLEX. So if you’re waiting for the next chapter for FF Versus XV... It’s almost done! It’s just gonna take a while. But as you can see below, I’ve been working on something else. I’m sure you’re confused as to who these characters are in the chat and why I’m pushing so many out. Well. I’ll tell you. This is my way of practicing for a story I’ve been... REALLY wanting to write for a long time. It doesn’t have a definite name, so I’m calling it Project Clypse. Which partially comes from the group my main characters are in.

Now, I thought of writing up their character bio’s but..... I’m not really that good at it as I used to be. I used to for when I was active in RP’s but I’m so rusty that I doubt I can keep up with whomever I’m chatting with. So, I’m just summarizing certain details you need to know about them! Not all of it because that'd be spoiling the story of every character. Now, with all that’s said and done, let me start explaining key points of Project Clypse.

Premise/Background

The story is centered on a world called Avarus, which you can say is sort of like Earth, except it was made with someone else's version of life. Or, it used to be. Avarus is one of the few remaining worlds that has an active patron God, who has chosen to go under the alias Belial. The world was originally created and governed by another, Belial’s younger sister, Soleil. After Avarus’ creation, and the birth of man, she was killed by an unknown assailant. But before she died, she was cursed to experience an endless cycle of death and rebirth into various random worlds. She will live a short mortal life, then die from either natural or unnatural causes.

According to Belial, this curse is bestowed only to Celetials who have performed a dire sin. While there is no definite way to lift the curse, Belial hopes that by locating and retrieving her while she's still alive, or at the very least obtain her soul, then he could find the proper means to spare his sister of her cursed fate and return Avarus's true patron Goddess. Because of her demise, life on the planet started to decay. To prevent its destruction, Belial forced the planet to stop rotating, hoping to delay it long enough for him to find Soleil.

However, there were dire consequences to this act. His actions indirectly causing the world to cease rotating; time became non-existent as a result. This, inevitably, killed off most of the remaining life in the world due to the imbalance of the ecosystem as one half of the planet became stuck in perpetual darkness, and the other being dried up caused prolonged exposure to the sun's light.

The only life that Belial was able to salvage was her sisters creation; humanity. Those that survived after the planet ceased its rotation found themselves unable to age. They can still die, but their bodies will no longer decay. During the first Century since Soleil’s death, the God went through various countermeasures to keep the world and the life still inhabits it safe until he can find his sister.

However, a strange plague began to manifest. Soon, it began to devour most of the remaining populace, creating a dark entity in the process; the Astrals (will explain in a different section).

While Belial was successful in wiping out the infected, the God realized that he cannot keep the last remnants of humanity safe. Not while there are still Astrals lurking about. So he put them to sleep, sealed them in a place that only he knows. However, because of the sudden absence of time and life, the world began to deconstruct itself each time he departed in search for her in other worlds. Realizing he cannot manage Avarus and search for his sister at the same time, he found an alternative. Since his conception, he had noticed a peculiar type of living being popping up now and then in a variety of sentient species. So he sought them out.

Eventually, gathered enough to temporarily replace humanity and trick the world itself into thinking life still exists. At first, he gathered adults since he knew nothing can grow in Avarus once they’ve lived in the world for a certain period of time, but because of their attachments to the worlds they originated from, it was difficult to convince them to remain. Then he thought up of another solution, one which he knew his sister would frown upon. Children. With their young minds, they’ll easily forget their place of origin and can be easily trained in the necessary skill in traversing through different worlds. And, after learning that the Astrals have branched out to those said worlds, learn how to handle their sudden enemy.

Their goal is simple; to locate and, if possible, retrieve Soleil and eradicate the Astrals.

Main Characters

Note: Just in case you did not know... I. Cannot. Draw. As much as it pains me to do this, but I need you guys to have some sort of idea on how they look like. I cannot find the original artists of the artworks; mostly because google imaging is shit and Pinterest tends to... Send you elsewhere. So of you know the artist, please PM me so I can give them credit. If you know they don't want their works republished, I'll remove it and try to figure something out. I take no credit whatsoever on the art! I merely scoured the internet for any references I could use. If you're wondering why I'm not.using actual people... You know how awkward that is?

Anyway, much of these are concepts so expect changes in the future. I tried to discuss as little as possible about each character. And let me tell ya.... That was a lot I had to cut off, so if the explanation is a bit messy, that was from me trying to select what to remove to avoid revealing too much.

. . .

Sound

‘I have to be better. I have to be a better leader. I have to be a better lover. I have to be a better sibling. If I don’t... then I’ll lose everything again. If I must, I’ll sacrifice my identity for a third time if it means protecting them.’

Credits to: T0Q00(?) - Okay, on Pinterest it has the person’s name AND link to their twitter account. The thing is... it’s empty. Their entire page is empty. At least I found the artist’s name?

Also known as the Glutton King, Sound is one of the leaders of his faction, Tunera Clypse and a member of Mythral. He is a first generation Nors. While not as lazy as Noise, he’s not really a fan of getting involved in fights with people. When it comes to killing Astrals; that’s an entirely different story.

Outwardly, he displays laid back, playful, and very concerning outlandish behavior. And by outlandish, I mean his... eating habits. Sound likes to experiment with his stomach. He’ll do absolutely ANYTHING to eat whatever he deems as edible. He also - absolutely - lacks any sense of shame (ex. walking out of the shower and to his room without a towel, slapping Noise’s butt). Although limited to communicate via writing, he makes sure that every single thing he writes is worth reading. Many are even surprised at just how fast he writes his messages. Then again, after years of practice, it’s expected he’d adapt.

Sound is self-aware of the fact that he’s a fictional character and will randomly break the fourth wall, causing much confusion to his friends several times. While not as dark as his previous self, Fell, he maintains some of his views towards life and tends to be as vocal - via writing - of his previous self's beliefs.

As a Cursed Blood, his curse forces him to conceal his face behind a customized Fox Mask. Depending on the amount of facial skin that was exposed, a person can live up to several minutes to several hours before inflicted with sudden death. If a person were to see the entirety of his face, they will die on the spot from unknown causes. He has a Physical Curse as well, which causes him to inflict a certain degree bad-luck to whoever hears his voice. While it’s rarely anything life-threatening, Sound is forced to become selectively mute. Although he tries his best to remain silent, he tends to accidentally let it a few words or sounds slip. Which usually occurs when he sneezes, and when he does, it is immediately advised by his friends to duck and cover.

After undergoing the Ascension Ceremony, he joined the faction Tunera Clypse and then gave up his original name, becoming the next Sound. Unbeknownst to him, his actions later in life has caused him to unknowingly become the Vessel of Gluttony. It is unknown if his eating habits is the reason he became the vessel or it’s the other way around. Either way, he has shown to be fully capable of controlling the abilities that comes with being a Vessel. Sound merely chooses not to use them.

. . .

Ayane Koronashi

“If my brother had left the orphanage that day without me, I would simply smile. If Ulric presented me his latest girlfriend, I’d smile. Smiling is all I can ever do without being a nuisance. I could never show them my pain. I want to cry but my curse renders me incapable of doing so. But now it’s better. I’m better.”

Also known as the Black Fox. Ayane is the younger twin sister of Sound. Like her twin, she is also a member of Tunera Clypse and Mythral; as well as a first generation Nors. Despite being an active member, unless accompanied by her brother, Ayane is rarely allowed to participate in any scouting or combat-related missions. The main reason for this is her curse. While also a Cursed Blood like her brother and some of their friends, the unnatural causes that led to sudden conversion to a cursed blood caused her condition to be unstable. At the beginning, she was unable to retain her original form and would take the shape of a fox.

After some time and practice, she has learned to maintain most of her former human appearance, leaving only a pair of fox ears to replace her human ears and a tail (not by choice) as an extra ligament. Not only that, some of her internal organs remain similar to that of a fox. Because of this, she is unable to eat certain foods that are potentially poisonous to her (or generally unhealthy). She was told that eventually, if nothing is done, she will permanently take the complete form of a fox. She cannot surgically remove the fox parts as they will simply grow back.

Side-note: No, they did not try or plan to remove her fox ears. The curse replaced her human ears so they cannot remove them without indirectly making her deaf.

Her personality is the somewhat similar to Sound’s, but is far more excitable and outgoing than her brother. Just like a fox, she is clever and witty, which she demonstrates many times during combat. She has a tendencyto steal things without her knowledge. While this isn’t necessarily kleptomania, as objects appear in her hands at random, she still tries get over her childhood habit. She does have a tendency to be reckless, though this is stems from her need to be useful as her curse leaves her unable to perform all of the necessary abilities that is required of a Nors.

Another thing to know is her intense hatred towards cats. Which will be explored at a later time.

As a Cursed Blood, she can take the form of a fox. While the size varies, depending on her emotional state, she is commonly seen to change into the size similar to an elephant. If she performs multiple transformations, she will regress to a regular sized fox and sleep for an extensive period of time. She has been recommended to avoid constantly rely on her full fox form as it will hasten the progression of her curse.

After undergoing the Ascension Ceremony, she followed her brother and joined the same faction as him, but unlike him, did not join as a core member so she did not have to give up her original name. Because of the current state of her body caused by her Cursed Blood, her emotions has unknowingly lead her to become thenext Vessel of Envy.

. . .

Reihana Toelle Ur Kamaria

“Why was I born like this... what did I deserve to be cursed like this!? All I want is to hold someone without fearing I’ll crush them. I can’t be the receiver forever!”

Or Rei for short. Is a member of Mythral and is a second generation Nors. As a floater, Rei rotates between the three factions, but she usually works with Tunera Clypse. Known for her terrifying brute strength, Rei is feared by many and is challenged on a near daily basis. Because of her strength and seemingly indestructible nature, she is (much to her annoyance) sometimes used as a human shield. While she is able to take on an army by herself, Rei tries not to go all out in fear of accidentally killing her allies in the crossfire. In terms of mental maturity, aside from Xavier, she is slightly more competent and is level-headed enough to not participate in childish activities. Most of the time.

Rei prefers to ‘punch first, talk later’ when confronted, though the talking never happens as her opponents is either obliterated or immediately knocked out after one hit. While she can be aggressive at times, she merely acts out on this person's due to the rumors that were spread when word of her curse began to circulate. Those closest to her have witnessed her carefree and adventurous nature. She is also cautious and careful of her surroundings, becoming more thoughtful in the usage of her strength as a result.

As much as she loves the thrill and adrenaline that comes from combat, she prefers not to fight too often. Mostly because it usually leads to unnecessary mass destruction. She craves for proper physical contact, but due to her curse, she forces herself to avoid it as much as possible.

Being the physically oldest, next to Percy, she tends to act like the big sister of the group, which Rei has admitted she finds embarrassing. Still, she works hard in trying to act as moral support for her friends. That doesn’t stop her from losing her temper when a certain line is crossed.

As a Cursed Blood, she is cursed with immeasurable strength. Her strength doubles based on who or whatever is the strongest in a world that she sets foot in. That, of course, excludes Celestial’s as the strength of the divinity is almost non-existent. By default, back in Avarus, her usual strength is enough to crumble an entire building. In other worlds, it depends. To help control and regulate her strength during combat, she uses a large amount of Astral Dust to create form-fitting gauntlets around her lower arm. She was meant to become the Vessel of Wrath but was instead changed to be the candidate for the Vessel of Pride.

. . .

Perseus Vlahos

"I used to believe that being a hero will allow you to cement your place in history. But over time, I learned that the farther in time your name is shared in time, you become nothing more than a mere legend. Or worse, a myth. Stories can be altered, changed. If that’s the case, I’d rather not be remembered at all. I didn’t work this hard just to be written off as a bedtime story.”

Christened under the name ‘Percy the Naive’ by his best friend, later life-long rival, Wilhelm, he is the current wielder of the legendary sword; Excalibur, and member of Infernum Poncitator. Grandson of Rayner, Percy is one of the few third generation Nors in Avarus. He is a kind young man and is respected amongst his peers (well, most of them) and superiors, so much so that he has been offered the position of leader of the faction. Percy refuses as not only deems himself unworthy, but out of respect for those that have lived in Avarus longer.

He displays many the ideal traits of a knight, eventually becoming viewed as an ideal knight by others. However, deep down, Percy perceives himself as the opposite. He feels he is a dishonorable fraud and is not proud of his status as Excalibur's chosen wielder. If he was given a chance to do it over again, Percy would immediately abandon his decision never search and locate the sword.

After joining Avarus, in a short span of time, Percy was able to easily establish himself as a sort of leader figure within his faction. While serious most of the time, especially during missions, due to his time with other Nors, has displayed a degree of patience and tolerance towards whoever he is assigned. Still, he never forgets their main objective and takes charge if he deems the assigned leader incompetent. Which happens more times than he refuses to count. He tries to maintain a cool head, but will severely reprimand others if the situation calls for it.

Proficient in the ways of the sword, he garnered the attention of (the then Mongrel) Mitchell. He was very reluctant in taking in a squire. But eventually, Percy relented after the younger boy attempted to fight against an Astral and nearly lost his life. He plans to one day pass down Excalibur to Mitchell once he gains the strength to surpass Percy.

At the moment, Percy is the current Vessel of Wrath.

. . .

Noise (***** Rallus)

“I tried all of my life to give my dad a reason why he shouldn't be treating his body the way he did. I tried all of my life to keep my friend in line so I'd never have to be the one to discipline him. And yet... If only I didn't try so hard, they'd still be alive.”

Author’s Note: Yeah I... legit do not know who this belongs to. There’s the artist’s signature so that’s the good thing. Problem is....

After escaping from the confines of his original world, Eingesperrt City, and, with the help Sound, joined Avarus and assumed the title of Noise. Unlike others that were gathered in the past, Noise is a regular human being. Something only Sound knows. Regardless of the danger, he became one of the leaders for Tunera Clypse, later joining Mythral after adapting to his new lifestyle.

He wears one of the Artifacts in order to copy and use only one ability of his choosing. As long as a piece of original user is within the Artifact, Noise can use it for as long as he wants. However, if its been removed and replaced with something else, the previous copied ability cannot be used ever again.

Since his recruitment, Noise adopted an extremely lazy personality. He’s so lazy that somehow even snoring consumes too much energy. To make sure he’s awake most of the time, Sound forced Noise to set up a sleep schedule, so that when he’s ready, he has enough energy to do SOMETHING. However, no matter where he is, he’ll take every opportunity to take a nap. He doesn’t care. As long as he gets to close his eyes, Noise is fine to sleep wherever, even if it involves napping righ at the edge of a volcano.

He’ll get annoyed if anyone that dares try to wake him up and he’ll be in a fowl mood for the rest of the day. The only exception is the fox girl and his lover. Despite this, he displays a certain degree of kindness. It’s just really hard to tell if what he’s doing is truly an act of kindness or he’s just too lazy to do things such as delivering a ‘motivational speech’. He can be blunt when he has to be, and he tends to come off as a jackass rude because of his personality. However, this is his way of showing he cares. Noise will flat out tell you if he dislikes you.

Another thing to know about him is his crude sense of humor. Combined with his blunt and rude nature towards people, mostly acquaintances and strangers, it always leads to various... Misunderstandings. Worst case scenario? A fight. He'd improve if he could, but he won't.

Look, if you haven't figure out that he's lazy after reading all this, gooood luck.

For reasons unknown, despite becoming the next Vessel of Sloth, it remains dormant within him. They thought of extracting it to learn the causes that led up to its current dormant state, but Sound intervened in time as he knew that extracting it by force will kill the the vessel.

. . .

Michael/Raphael/Gabriel/Uriel/Saraqael/Raguel/Remiel/etc

‘Dragons are raised under the false pretense that they are the supreme species above all others. But that merely obscures the truth; the truth that we’re just as vulnerable as anyone else. There are various ways to kill aside from piercing our hearts with a spear.”

Author’s Note: Just so you know, HE’S BLONDE and has green eyes! This was the only option I have that closely resembles how I envisioned him! There was another because he gives off the same atmosphere when you look at him but... he’s from an otome game. And I only learned that recently so, if the same goes for this one? WELP. Oh and he has patches of dark brown scales on part of his skin.

Neither a Quietus Nors nor a resident of Avarus, Michael is a dragon. His version of his race if capable of transformation, but can only change into the form of the last creature they devoured. Whole. Rather than his true form, in order to remain working in Avarus, chose to work in the form of the former Prince of Edrakon, a world where dragons were enslaved and cruelly treated as mere objects. Despite his appearance not being his own, he maintains an intimidating and powerful aura, which is easily distinguishable even within a large crowd.

Due to the high esteem he holds towards his race and his pride as a Dragon, he can come off as domineering, even becoming critical towards other versions of his race if he finds something illogical or nonsensical in their appearance and their abilities. While he does act this way, he finds it absolutely disgusting to find dragons place themselves in a position of power and abuses their power in controlling another species. Another aspect of him is that he looks down on dragons with physical defects, which is mostly directly aimed as himself due to his extremely poor eyesight. Thus, forcing him to rely on his human form to watch glasses. He also has a very confusing naming system; where he changes his name based on the date, time and temperature.

Micheal held the potential required to become a Nors, but because of his age, he was unable to undergo the necessary steps to fully integrate into Avarus. While others are reluctant to have him join their ranks, several others, for different reasons, allowed him to remain. This eventually allowed others to accept his addition to the organization.

As the one in charge of organizing and handling most of Avarus’ internal affairs, a job the Nors, even the Ex-Anima/Animus, are reluctant in taking up such an important position; he takes his job very seriously. Although he does express some contempt towards humans, this does not extend to the people he works with. He cares about them to a certain degree, which is shown by he constantly reprimands whoever acts risky during a mission.

He is the current Vessel of Pride, something he only learns of later on. Despite the fact Micheal is a vessel, Belial believes this is only temporary. He isn’t particularly close with Belial, but he respects the God enough to follow his orders.

. . .

Ulric Soknawo

'In my tribe, I was considered an outcast. You can thank the unnatural union that birthed me. Now? It hasn’t changed much, but at least I’m no longer considered the runt of the pack.’

Whose other name is Kuckunniwi, is a former member of the Aniwaya Tribe. In their world, his people are Natives who worshipped a guardian Wolf Spirit. According to them, in return for their unyielding loyalty and devoted nature, it granted the people with the power to take the form of the spirit they have worshipped for many generations. So long as they use that power to protect the forest, it shall provide them protection. Ulric is the third, second youngest, illegitamate son of the Tribal chief Tamaska and grandson of Wolfram.

As per tradition, all tribesmen are given two names, one for their human form while the other is for their inner wolf. Despite being allowed to use either name like others of his tribe, he refuses to be use his wolf name due to the meaning behind it. After being discovered by Ayane, she brought and recruited him to Avarus. Ulric is considered to be a Third Generation Nors due the fact his father was (oddly) not born a Nors, or had to potential to be converted into one.

Ulric tends to act like the stereotypical lone-wolf, choosing to remain in solitude and observe from a distance. He likes to spend his quiet time alone, though he does allow others to sit next to him when asked. Many have pointed out that he never smiles, but, as much as he hates to quote Noise, states that if there is no reason to smile, there is no reason to put so much effort in abusing his facial muscles.

As much as he loves being a wolf, he finds certain aspects of his second nature to be... aggravating. Depending on the season and the weather, it deals a the effects his wolf instincts on his human nature. Because of the two separate natures continually clashing, he tends to act irritable and his temper worsens, especially during the night. Ulric holds a strong belief that one’s nature, regardless of your race, should never control a one's personal feelings.

He holds an unyielding loyalty to his loved ones, almost to the point of willing to kill for them if the situation calls for it, but his actions are subtle and tends to be the exact opposite of how he truly feels. Only two people in his life have been able to decipher his behavior, and he cherishes them for it. Ulric has a bit of a temper as well but is able to keep it in check. His temper, however, is what led him to becoming a Cursed Blood. His curse forces him to foresee the deaths of whomever he romantically falls in love (or at least feel an interest) with.

Any attempts at interfering will only hasten their death.

. . .

Xavier Wozwald Hawthorne

'Murderers are dumbasses, always killing because of their unchecked emotions and pented up desires. Hence why most of them clumsily try to hide their crime. Serial killers are more... sofisticated with their craft, but their ego always gets in the way. If they weren’t complete dumbasses, they would have lived a long comfortable life. I should know.’

Note: Yes, this is obviously Vflower. Did I know that before? No. Do I plan to change the art reference? Yes, but only when I find one that’s not a god dang real-life person’s online avatar. XD Seriously, each time I thought I found one... it’s an utaite or vtuber.

Is a member of Mythral and a First Generation Nors. Like Rei, he is a Floater, which allows him to particiate in mission for all three factions. However, he prefers to work with those in Tunera Clypse as, since they mostly handle scouting and recruiting missions. As long as he doesn’t remain in Avarus for too long, he's fine with accepting any mission related to Tunera. Xavier will still accept missions from other factions, but that's merely to fill up his quota.

Despite appearing around the age 12-14; which was not by choice, Xavier is in fact mentally older than most of his fellow Nors. Known for his sharp tongue, Xavier is one of the few known Nors to have been granted permission to travel outworld immediately after undergoing the Ascenscion Ceremony.

Due to the experiences his past life went through, Xavier has a very grim outlook of the world and displays little to no respect towards authority figures. And that includes his current patron God; Belial, which only worsens after being told by the God that he is unable to help Xavier grow into the appropriate intended size. Unlike most Nors, he displays a high degree of critical thinking and intelligent. He is, if not more, level-headed than one of his friends; Percy. Though that doesn’t stop the teasing. While confident in his abilities in terms of combat, Xavier knows the limits of his current smaller body.

In order to compensate, he creates an excessively large scythe as compensation, but he's too proud to admit this.

Because of his level of maturity, he has been labeled as a 'Midget Grandpa'. Which he fails at trying to prove otherwise by collecting certain tthings that are considered out of date by their standards. Eventually, it became a soft of hobby for him to collect such things.

Xavier tends to display a sadistic nature while in combat, choosing to taunt his opponent by constantly pointing our their obvious flaws deficits and toy with them until the last minute. Most times, he will use his child-like appearance to his advantage to further torment his opponent/victim. Comically enough, if his opponent is a cold-blooded criminal, Xavier will compliment and , depending on their actions, congratulate them; much to the annoyance of those involved.

Like Sound, he has both a Physical and Blood-based Curse, but unlike the latter, Xavier was born with both. His Physical Curse has caused severe permanent scarring on his right arm, making it appear similar to third degree burns. If freed from any type of coverage, such as bandages, his arm will painfully be set a blazed, forcing him to conceal his arm at all times. As a Cursed Blood, Xavier has a similar effect of a Siren, except his hypnotic singing forces someone to commit suicide. Every time he uses this curse, he temporarily falls into a coma.

. . .

Succu(bus) Kilmer

Like her name suggests, Succu is a succubus, but belongs to a different version of her species. Due to being a demon, she is forbidden to reveal her true name. Succu is neither a Nors nor a Cursed Blood. She’s more of an illegal immigrant after sneaking her way into a group of Nors when they were scouting for potential recruits. There have been many attempts in trying to relocate her back to her original world, but she is able to seduce her attackers and slip away. Eventually, Belial declared that she will be allowed to remain as a resident, so long as she contributes in their mission to locate Soleil.

While they do seduce those of the opposite sex, her source of food is not as grotesque as several others. She does seduce her victim, but moves her body in a way that her victims find alluring. Succu will then massage certain parts of their body as a means to relax them. To assure that they will not attempt to escape, she will release pheremones that nulls the victims senses. What she devours isn’t the flesh of her victim nor does she devour their soul, she merely devours the emotions she was able to invoke until her hunger is quenched.

Succu is flirtaceous and very... very.... VERY- Well, you get the point. While she doesn’t flaunt her beauty, she does know how to use it to her advantage. However, despite many approaching her, Succu has only eyes for one, and is willing to wait as long as possible for that person to reciprocate her feelings. Succu, although assertive and open with her feelings, is not the type to force them onto someone.

She does like to express herself by getting physical - very physical. Not the way that you’re thinking, you perverts. She finds it more convenient to allow her actions to talk rather than saying things verbally. Since she’s an outsider, she notices several things that not even Pery or Ulric have noticed, and both are outsiders as well considering the fact they grew up outworld before being recruited. Regardless, she remains silent for the sake of remaining by her beloved’s side.

Succu is often mistaken as the Vessel of Lust due to her nature, and, on her part, finds it’s tiresome to prove that she is not.

Side Characters

Tank Mortem

A former member of Tunera Clypse and Mythral, Tank has been assigned to act as one of the engineers in maintaining the Infernian Generator due to his body’s condition and the issues of his mental state. He seldom participates in missions but, despite being given strict orders not to, joins in anyway. Due to the limits of his mental capacity, Tank has difficulty interacting with others. Quite literally.

Beatrix Staccato

Is a researcher and inventor in charge of the tools and weaponry utilized by most Nors and Ex-Animus. Having taken over most of the unfinished projects since the passing of his master, Beatrix has dedicated all of his time in improving the welfare of the world and its inhabitants. However, most of his experiments tend to be a bit... over the top. If he’s not thinking of new potential products that may benefits the Nors, he’ll make whatever comes at the top of his head, and most of the time it’ll lead him to make the most outrageous and unnecessary items. Beatrix prefers to remain in his lab/home at all times, rendering his social interactions with the three factions to be limited via holographic meetings.

‘Nyx’ Pierrot

Leader of Vanidicus Persona, she is one of the oldest Nors - next to Constantine - making her the default leader of her faction. Much about her is a mystery. Even her behavior can be viewed as... questionable. Not outlandish, that’s Sound’s department. Her behavior is so odd that it’s enough to baffle even Belial. She takes her leadership over her faction very seriously, however, as part of her nature, the requirements in joining and maintaining your membership vastly deviates from the original. However, looks can be deceiving. Aside from her seniority, there is a reason why she was given the position of leader.

Mitchell Pierrot

He prefers to be called as ‘Mitch’ after being told, and proven, by his sister how much of a tongue twister his name is if repeated constantly in a single conversation. While he is the younger brother of Nyx, Mitch opted to become a submember of Tunera Clypse upon undergoing the Ascension Ceremony to be in the same faction as his mentor, Perseus Vlahos. Compared to the Nors in his batch, he is viewed as weak by many as he is unable to perform the abilities that is expected of him to develop after becoming a Nors.

Constantine L. Refrain

Nothing is truly known about him except that he’s a chronic smoker. Nobody truly knows who he is, no one even knows which faction he belongs to. It’s nearly impossible to question these things as he is constantly surrounded by a shroud of - barely tolerable - smoke. All that is known is that he’s been around longer than most of the Ex-Animus. Constantine usually frequints the Silent Siren Bar, staying there for hours until he’s either drunk or needs to receive another pack of cigarretes from Beatrix. He says they’re for medicinal purposes buuuuut...

I’m pretty sure black smoke isn’t normal.

Stefan Mal Sorcier

Is Percy’s second pupil. Although, it was more like Percy was forced into taking in another after his continual refusal to become leader of Infernum Poncitator. Outwardly, he is aloof and always appears smiling, which unsettles Mitchell even when they’re alone. His politeness is found unusual by many and causes others to feel wary around him. Even the dragon finds himself is unable to remain in the same vicinity as the young man. Despite being full of many secrets, Percy accepts him as is and tries his best to teach him all he can, which Stefan appreciates.

Kyline Necro

Considered as the mascot ambassador of Avarus, like the soul that was fused with her upon birth, she mostly lounges around and has little participation in any missions in and out of Avarus. This has caused her to be disliked by many, most especially Ayane. The only person Kyline has gotten close to is Noise; mostly because they share the same favored sleeping spot. On a side, she acts a physician, or surgeon if you like to get technical. She has a strange fondness of picking apart and replacing specific limbs with doll parts.

Yu-Yan Chi Ryou

Was once one of the strongest Nors from Xavier’s batch until he was inflicted by an unknown disease during one of his missions. While there is no name for the disease, it has caused much of his bones to undergo crystallization; rendering him immobile due to the pain that comes from even the smallest of movements. Since he is incapable in participating in any activities, Yu-Yan has since been forced to be confined to a wheel chair for the rest of his life.

Anita Eine Kleine

Is the fighting instructor of the Mongrels and a member of Infernum Poncitator. Anita is a highly-skilled caster, able to conjure and manipulate various elements. She absolutely hates the term ‘witch’, even going as far as to cast a minor curse in making a person temporarily mute if they refer to her as one. Which Sound found rather offensive when he found out about the curse, something she deeply apologized for. She participates in some Scouting Missions but only if personally requested by someone from Tunera Clypse.

Victor Stein

Is Beatrix’s (only living) research assistant. He is the sole survivor of the Night of the Black Moon. Although having physically recovered, the damage to his mental state has left a deep scar on his psyche. He fears yet obsesses over the sensation of pain. There is not one instance where he isn’t found sowing over his own intact skin. While Victor knows his addiction found uncomfortable by others, he finds it extremely difficult to control his urges.

Wolfram

Grandfather of Ulric and most of his siblings, he is an Ex-Anima (or retired Nors) and a former member of the original Mythral. As the more experienced and one of the longest surviving resident of Avarus, he acts as a mentor to those who seek his guidance. However, in terms of combat, his skills are very limited as he has become permanently stuck in his wolf form. The only grandchildren he's ever personally met are Ulric and Seeing, who have both ironically became his favorite. While acting as a mentor, he is rather strict, constantly parting lessons in order to make sure none make the same mistakes he committed when he was younger, many of which he refuses to share.

Diantha Anemone

Despite being still a Liberi, Dia still participates in many activities meant to be done only by Nors. She originally wanted to become a part of Tunera Clypse due to the many adventures imparted by Sound. But after having a first hand experience in one, it traumatized her to the point where she wants to merely work as a Librarian, a position many people avoid.

Echo & Yell

Fellow teammates of Sound and Noise. As part of the four heads leaders that overwatch many of Tunera Clypse's activities, both in and out of Avarus. They mostly take charge of delegating the members while the other two take an active role in leading many scouting missions off-world. Contradicting her name, like Sound and Noise, her personality is the completely opposite. Due to her sociophobia, she is extremely shy and is unable to speak when talked to, only whispering her sentences as she talks. Yell, however, is the only one whose personality fits the mantle she inherited. Due to her curse, she has to raise her voice after every two hours. If not, she will fall into a coma, and she can only be awaken by *************.

Important Figures

Belial

Credits to: @airtrees0507 (Again, another artist who... disappeared from the internet. How do I keep finding refrences where the artist is just gone?)

Is a Celestial and the younger brother of Soleil. However, despite his godly status, he does not have any of the expected gifts. Neither a god of creation, life, or death, he has been given the title God of Void by his peers. Because of this, he is incapable of maintaining Avarus by himself, forcing him to use alternative (and questionable) means in preserving the world his sister created. Like his title, Belial is unable to express emotions, giving blank demeanor. He does, however, hold some semblence of emotions within him. Yet despite this, he has little to no understanding of life, death and emotions. Even after centuries since he over his sister’s role as Patron God, he still has no understanding to all living things, almost to the point of coming off as insensitive and heartless.

Belial has a deep devotion to his sister, having gone through great lengths to make sure to maintain her world and willingly sacrifice the lives of many. Despite knowing her distaste towards such acts, he holds onto the hope of one day finding her.

Soleil

Credits: Um... Lucare Eu??? Sorry, I’m just basing it off the signature. Once again, can’t find the artist themself so...

The true patron goddess of Avarus and the older sister of Belial. Aside from her status as the original creator and caretaker of her world and the life that once flourished within it, not much is known about her. While her exact cause of death is unknown, she was cursed to live an endless cycle of death and rebirth in various worlds. In order to restore the world she created and loved dearly, Belial dedicated his life in searching for her soul and freeing her of her curse. As a Celestial, she was said to have chosen to take the form of her first ever creation and first mortal friend.

It is said that, despite having blessed with the gift of creation, she was known to be a lonely goddess. Those that new her describe as someone that’s physically there but is spiritually detached.

The Oracle

Is a title given to those with the ability to commune and guide the spirits to the Empyrean Plain, more specifically Avarus’ residences due to the absence of Soleil. The Oracle acts as the divine anchor on the world to aid Belial in prolonging the world’s existence. They are also the main source of Belial’s divine power; both of which are maintained through her prayers. The gender and species of the Oracle is non-specific, but it if preferred by Belial if they are humanoid and have the ability of speech for the sake of communication.

The current Oracle is Aniela Fischl, who, unlike her predecessors, is able to foresee various futures. She does so by carefully peeking through the leylines and selects various possibilities that solely benefit Avarus. No one is allowed to meet her except Belial and her assigned Seekers.

The Seekers

The guardians, caretaker, and acting medians between the Oracle and the residents of Avarus. Their duty is to ensure that the chosen Oracle remains within the Spiral Tower and that he/she fulfills their duty, even going as far as to grant their wish regardless of the consequenses. Each Seeker has only one desire, and that’s to protect the Oracle at all times.

Races

Liberi

Age Range: Birth or 5 to 10 years

Although that is the official term, ‘Mongrel’ is what they are commonly referred as. It is the used for the for the children taken to or born in Avarus. Mongrels spend most of their young lives training within the safe walls of the Aldebaran Academy. They are forbidden from leaving as, according to Belial, they are the extremely fragile during this point of their lives. Regardless of their age, depending on how well they’ve performed in training, they will be given the right of undergoing the Ascension Ceremony. Those who fail are xxxxxxxx xx.

Due to their young age, their behavior is more sporadic than that of a normal child. Their reflexes are enhanced, almost to the point where it becomes difficult to contain them. Mongrels lack common sense so they tend to act out without fully understanding the impact their actions have. While childish and friendly by nature, Travellers are advised to approach with caution. Those who act beyond the expected norm are called Prodigies.

Quietus Nors

Age Range: (Physically) 14-19, (Mentally) 10 or above

Or simply called, Nors. After their graduation, every Nors is immediately sent to work. Depending on the final results of their training prior to undergoing the ceremony/procedure, each is individually assigned into one of the three factions ; Infernum Poncitator, Vanidicus Persona, and lastly, Tunera Clypse (formerly called Tunera). Those that are assigned to neither of the factions are assigned to more menial jobs alongside the Ex-Animus,

Despite their young minds, they have quickly adapted into their new forms. Due to time becoming almost non-existant in Avarus, Nors age at a rapidly slow rate. Though known to be childish by nature due to the gap of their young minds to their bodies, they dangerously lack empathy and display little to no compassion and remorse towards others. In worst cases, some act selfishly on their own accord. On a positive note, they lack any emotions that may hinder their mission in locating Soleil; such as fear.

Only two of the three current generations of Nors differ greatly from the first:

First Generation Nors - Are those converted or directly born within Avarus with the blood of two Nors. Those born in the first generation share two specific physical characteristics; raven black hair and golden eyes. They all share the same abilities upon conversion/birth, but it depends on the individual which ones they should master. Unless they happen to be a Cursed Blood, they are unable to obtain different abilities to call their own. They are required to undergo the Ascension Ceremony.

Second Generation Nors - In terms of personality, they are considered half as bad as those in the first gen. Unlike the previous, second generation Nors are considered slightly weaker, however, they have a better chance of obtaining other abilities outside of Avarus. Their hair is slightly lighter shade of black but their eyes remain the same. They too are required to undergo the Ascension Ceremony.

Third Generation Nors - While rare, they do tend to appear once in a while. It’s not exact how one falls into this category. The closest is being the grandchild or who has an anscestor that was a Nors. Because of their circumstances, these Nors are far weaker as they cannot use any of the standard abilities. Third Generation Nors are far difficult to locate as their potential doesn’t surface until they are of a much later age, rendering them incapable of taking necessary training to hone their abilities and undergoing the Ascension Ceremony. They do not share the common personality or physical traits of a Nors. One thing every Nors in this generation share are sky blue eyes, which emit a faint glow when in the dark.

Ex-Animus (or Anima for singular)

Age Range: (Physically) 30 to 40, rarely appears in their early 20′s

Are individuals who are retired from their duties as a Nors. Although Nors generally age at an excessively slow rate (due to the effects of Avarus), after a number of cycles (which refers to the number of batches that underwent the Ascension Ceremony), they will be given the order to retire. Regardless whether they are willing to or not, there is nothing they can do once the order has been issued. Once one becomes an Ex-Anima, they are completely cut off from their original faction and are unable to leave Avarus for the rest of their life.

Not only that, they are unable to defend themselves like they used to as they can no longer control Astral Dust and use the abilities from their time as a Nors,Basically. Basically, Ex-Animus’ are left to fend for themselves.

Factions

Every Nors is allowed to join any of the three factions; Infernum Poncitator, Vanidicus Persona , and Tunera Clypse. There is an option to not join any of the factions; they are called ‘Floaters’.

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anxiouslymalicious · 5 years

Text

Finding Home

A Peter Parker x (female) Reader series. This follows the events of Spider-Man: Far From Home, except with a new character; Y/N Wood, an enhanced human.

Warnings: mentions of a death and other than that, just talks of the blip and stuff like that. Oh and SPIDER-MAN FAR FROM HOME SPOILER WARNING!

This is unedited and this might be kind of bad as this is my first time writing in third person and my first time writing for Marvel. If you guys like it, I’ll continue writing this series, if not, I might delete this first part and pretend that none of this ever happened.

Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!

Peter Parker was a nervous boy. Always fidgeting, always trying to explain himself if someone couldn’t really follow his train of thought, always scared of embarrassing himself. After all, he wasn’t too popular in school, but embarrassing himself in front of the people he saw every day wasn’t really something he wanted to, so he kept to his little friend group. Well, MJ and Ned, but they were all he needed.

After the blip and the whole battle with Thanos, Peter was almost excited to live a more normal life than he had over the past time. It was still strange to him that he had been gone for five years and some people around him had aged while others still looked the same, but the fact that everyone almost tried to push away the thoughts of what exactly had happened, gave him some kind of normalcy.

It was nice. Nice, being a silly schoolboy with a super-secret hobby and what he felt like was the biggest crush on a girl he spent a lot of time with.

Pain was a steady companion. An unwanted companion, yes, but it was always there. Not even physically, really, Peter was aware that it was something from mental origin, but it felt so bad that sometimes he wasn’t sure if it really wasn’t physical.

Especially as he put on his suit and mask and turned into the friendly neighbourhood-Spiderman, he couldn’t help but feel the pain of losing the only father figure he had ever known. He had lost a man who had given him so much, who cared for him so much, who he had grown so close to despite Stark’s efforts to keep him somewhat on distance. He felt the pain of having let down Mr. Stark, having let down his family and friends. He felt the physical pain from the battle he had fought.

And the pressure, how could Peter forget about the constant pressure from the media. The people who were now, understandably, scared of potential new threats and with three of the strongest Avengers gone, with the whole Avengers group going MIA except for Spidey, everyone kept bribing him with questions and the responsibility to keep everyone safe should another alien attack.

So, when the trip to Europe was announced, Peter couldn’t have been happier. Being in a place where Spider-Man was not present, a place where he didn’t have to care about being a hero, and instead could focus on a certain girl sounded heavenly and like the thing that he needed the most in that moment.

Especially once he had declined a call from Nick Fury himself, going to another continent was probably the only right thing to do if he wanted to stay alive. Not to mention whatever seemed to be going on between Aunt May and Happy. Peter felt uncomfortable just thinking about how close they might be.

“I have a plan.” Peter said excitedly to his best friend, Ned, as he sat down at the table next to him. Ned looked at him, wordlessly telling his friend to keep going. “Okay, first, I sit next to MJ on the flight.” Peter continued to which Ned hummed in reply. Peter’s voice caught the attention of another person in the room. Y/N, who was one of the people who hadn’t been blipped away and, thus, now shared classes with Peter and Ned, watched as the boys in front of her brabbled on.

Well, Peter was passionately and not exactly quietly talking about his plan to ask MJ out, Ned was only giving him unimpressed one-word replies. To Y/N, he really didn’t sound happy about the plan Peter had probably spend hours developing. The young girl imagined how Peter had been lying in his bed for hours and hours on end every night, trying to think of a way to ask out this one special girl, but overthrowing his plans over and over again because they were not good enough and she probably wouldn’t like them.

Y/N felt her cheeks up in embarrassment and hoped that no one was an enhanced human, like her. Her mother was, according to her father, enhanced, but she had never gotten to meet her as she died during childbirth. The young girl knew how to control her powers, but she barely used them. Not unless her father told her that she could. She didn’t trust herself enough to decide when the situation became too serious not to use them and when she should avoid using them, so she relied on the people who trained her.

“Oh, don’t forget step seven!” Ned replied with enough enthusiasm to pull Y/N out of her Peter-related daydreams.

“Step seven…?” Peter was confused at Ned’s sudden outburst and made a little note, eager for help to improve his plan.

“Don’t do any of that.” Ned told Peter dryly which surprised Y/N. She couldn’t hold back the little snort and giggle and she was sure that, even though she had slapped her hands in front of her mouth, desperate to muffle the noise, Peter and Ned had heard her. She could feel even more blood rushing to her face and tried to shuffle in her seat, hoping the ground would swallow her. Technically, it could, but she knew that she couldn’t use her powers in broad daylight in the middle of her school. So, she didn’t and just kept hoping.

Once Ned had explained to Peter why they should both be bachelors in Europe and how his plan was stupid, MJ came by. Y/N hadn’t seen her coming, but she had heard how Peter’s voice got higher, whether it was fear or excitement, though, she couldn’t determine. Peter sat with his back to her, but even if he hadn’t, the young girl still felt too mortified to raise her head from where it was resting on her desk.

But once Peter and Ned started talking to MJ, Y/N felt less mortified. Because Peter and Ned just made complete fools out of themselves as they were talking to MJ. Or more stuttering and trying to come up with excuses. Once MJ had told the boys about the VPN, she left them and walked over to Y/N.

MJ at least assumed that it was her, she recognised her hair colour and her silly behaviour when she felt embarrassed.

“What’s up dork?” she asked as she plopped down in a chair next to her. Y/N grunted in reply. MJ took out some paper and a pencil. “Stay like that, it’s the perfect misery to capture. Maybe once I’m done, you’ll be done doing… that.” She told the teenager before she started scribbling.

A smile tugged on the corners of the embarrassed girl’s lips, and before she could fight it, she was giggling, to which MJ told her: “Stop. I’m not done capturing your misery! You can’t smile now!”. She was having a hard time fighting her own smile, though, and so they soon found themselves laughing, the thought of potential embarrassment was the last thing on their minds.

Once the girls had calmed down enough to realise that they were in public and no one had seen either of them so carefree, they stopped laughing, only giving each other knowing smirks.

The sudden laughter made Peter and Ned turn in their seats only to find the edgy duo laughing loudly. Y/N and MJ had been close friends ever since MJ had been blipped away and Y/N had grown up to be the same age as MJ.

Now fortunately for her, Y/N belonged to the half of the universe that wasn’t blipped away, the harsh and barely populated world around her giving her the will and opportunity to train her powers in a way that she couldn’t before. But it had also caused the enhanced human a lot of pain, being without most of her friends and the people she considered family, she felt alone. Abandoned, even in the first few weeks of the blip. It had also filled her with rage and a wish to fight those so-called-superheroes that have ruined so many people’s lives.

She stopped feeling comfortable in things that were too colourful and her hair often looked messy from her hands running through it ever so often. Those looks attracted MJ a lot once she had been blipped back and so, she took the girl under her wings. And throughout the past eight months, the two of them had grown rather close.

Y/N’s pocket began to vibrate, her phone demanding attention. She averted her focus and noticed that her father was texting her. Something about a new mission that he would tell her about once she had gotten home. It was his way of indirectly telling her to come home immediately after school. Being the nice kid she is, Y/N made her way home immediately after school ended, only yelling a short “see you tomorrow” towards MJ when she passed her friend in the hallway.

It didn’t take her long to get home, and once she arrived at the apartment building in which she lived with her father, the girl felt tingles in her fingers and a warm feeling in her belly. The last mission, as they called it, had been fun. It had felt amazing to let out all the pent-up energy that she never got to let out in her day-to-day-life and support her father.

“Dad, I’m home!” Y/N yelled once she arrived and went straight to the kitchen to grab a snack.

“Hey, sweetheart. How was school?” the brunette man asked as he found his daughter in the kitchen, as he always did when she came home from school.

“Good.” She replied and looked at her dad with a huge grin adorning her face. He knew that she was too excited for the next mission to tell him more about school and other casualties. But he wanted to hear it from her, so he played her little game.

“Have you gotten any homework? Maybe you can do that later here in the kitchen when I’m cooking so I can help you. If I’m right, you had physics today and I know that’s not your thing- “

“DAD! Stop, please.” His daughter interrupted the word-vomit which he was purposefully using to avoid the one thing she was eager to hear about. He chuckled at her antics as she jumped up to sit on the kitchen counter, taking berries out of the container she had found earlier in the fridge.

“Well, I told you that we would have to expand the targets soon. And, as you are going on that science trip with your school, I thought about where to take the next mission. And I talked to the team.” The man started, scratching his beard as he acted as though the whole thinking process had been tough for him. And only after his daughter urged him to go on, he actually did.

“And?”

“And we came to the conclusion that Italy would be a great next target. Venice, to be exact.” He continued, making his daughter gasp in excitement. The girl promptly jumped off the counter again to hug her father, knowing that the next mission wasn’t too much of a wait and that she would be able to do her job and let some steam off while she was in Europe. It was unsuspicious enough, easy to do and, as she assumed, finally something new.

After the earth elemental and air elemental, she would finally be able to make a splash with the water elemental, something she had been looking forward ever since she started training her powers.

“Beck, we need you in the dungeon for the simulations.” Said one of the team members, his voice muffled through the door as he knocked.

“Guess we’ll have to order takeout. The mission is more important than cooking.” The girl said with a grin as she sprinted to her room to change into something more comfortable for training.

“I raised her right.” Quentin Beck said to himself with a smirk on his lips as he watched her go. “Thank god she doesn’t know the truth. Silly little girl.”

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charlie-minion · 7 years

Text

Happy fucking birthday to me!

I turned 32 almost a week ago and I’m still surprised I made it. This has definitely been the hardest year I’ve had to keep myself alive. Depression has been a huge part of my life since I remember. Actively trying to find something to keep my mind busy has been a life-or-death situation for me, but I’d never felt as helpless and hopeless as I’ve done this year; I’d never felt so alone despite being surrounded by people. My life hadn’t been so plagued with losses in a very long time.

This year I lost a friend I thought I had. He had become a constant in my life for the last three years, and I cared about him deeply. I’ve had an awful luck with friends in the past, so making friends is incredibly hard for me because I always have a feeling they’ll end up hurting me. When this friend suddenly blocked me on all social media despite working and studying together and seeing each other every day, it was a punch in the face.

Not only have I lost the one person I used to share thoughts with on a daily basis, I also lost hope in humanity. He seemed like a really nice guy, and I thought he was honest and transparent. Then I realized he’d been talking about me behind my back with my boss and other people, saying things with an obvious intention to stain on my name if my boss had bought into it. Thanks to that, I’ve lost the peace I used to have at work because now I feel I have to be wary of that hypocrite and some other people.

As a result of losing that “friend”, I’ve also lost the little joy I still had. Because of my issues with depression, my job has always been the main source of motivation in my life. The fact that I don’t feel I can trust the people I spend most of my day with has sucked all the pleasure I used to experience at work. I still have some nice colleagues and students, but some of them can also be really vicious. I wish the loving people would cause a bigger impact, but for some reason the ones who usually hurt me with their words and actions are the ones that keep repeating over and over in my head. Now I experience utter disbelief when any of my co-workers or students does or says something nice. It’s become even harder for me to trust their good intentions.

A second loss I never thought would affect me the way it has was the death of one of my idols. Chester Bennington was a source of relief for me. All the anger, resentment and despair that I always tried to hide from the world could find an easy way out when I sang Linkin Park’s songs. It didn’t have to be how I felt; I could just pretend to enjoy the music even though I knew the lyrics were too close to home for me. The good thing is that people didn’t need to know; I was just another teenage girl singing to the rhythm of the best-selling rock band of the moment.

When I learned about Chester’s death, I lost an important part of me. I still can’t put a finger on what exactly I lost, but I know I did. He made me feel understood when no one gave a damn about me. I felt that if he understood what I felt but managed to keep living and helping others, then I could do the same even if I couldn’t reach as many people as he did. The moment I realized he lost the battle against his demons, I lost the little faith I still had for myself. My faith died on July 20, and since then my demons have become louder in my head. Sometimes they get so overwhelming that I just want to find a way to shut them up forever.

After losing Chester, I lost one of the biggest reasons that kept me fighting. I feel completely alone 99.99% of the time. Every day it gets harder to trust the people around me because I see them and all I’m thinking is how much they’re judging me, how uncomfortable they feel around me, how tired they are of me, how sorry they feel for me, and how better off they would be without me. For this reason, I isolate myself a lot and the only ones that keep me company are my pets. They’re the only ones that need me and love me unconditionally. Or so I thought.

I lost my long-term companion on October 9. My dog Blacky was 15 years and 9 months old. She was by my side for half my life, and now she is gone. She got sick out of the blue, and I didn’t even have time to mentally prepare for that loss. She was OK on Thursday morning and then she was dead 4 days later. She needed a surgery and I made the decision to take the risk because I didn’t want her to suffer if there was a chance for her. Saying goodbye to her knowing there was a possibility I would not see her again was the hardest thing I had to do. In the end, she died of a heart attack after the surgery and another part of me died along with her.

The worst thing is that I lost not only my dog but also my cats. I have two cats, Jerry and Misha (ages 6 and 3). They used to be very loving. Everywhere I went, they were there. Both cats and my dog were my faithful companions and I was thankful for them. However, after my dog died, my cats have totally abandoned me. I don’t know if it’s their way to grieve, but when I get home, they want to be as far away from me as they possibly can. They don’t sleep with me anymore; they don’t follow me or play with me, no matter how much I try to get things back to normal. In my mind all I can think is that they blame me for my dog’s death and that’s possibly my mind projecting my own guilt, but even if the rational part of my brain knows that’s not true, the messed up part of my brain is louder. My pets’ unconditional love came to an end just as everything else in my life.

Besides losing my pets, I lost the second reason I’ve had to hold on to life for this long. I always felt that if I killed myself, I would hurt my mom and I didn’t want to do that. When my dog got sick, I asked my mom for help and she refused. She has a car and lives three houses from my house. When I asked her to help me take my dog to the vet, she said gas was expensive and that it was raining. She didn’t care at all! I obviously took my dog to the vet not only that day but the remaining three that were necessary. I spent a lot of money on taxi rides, but I didn’t care because my dog deserved my unconditional love –the one fucking thing I’ve never had from my own mother!

I lost the desire to be a good daughter. At a very early age I learned to repress the anger toward my mom for all the times she neglected me and for indirectly causing all the abuse I now have to deal with on my own. She’s been poison to me in many ways, but I still tried to be a good daughter, no matter how much she kept failing and failing at being the mother I needed. For her there’s always an excuse; there’s always something that’s more important than standing up for me; there’s always something more valuable than me. Her love always comes with a number of conditions and I’m fucking tired of trying to meet her requirements, of trying to be good enough for her.

In conclusion, I lost all my ability to give a flying fuck about my life. When this year started, I had no goals or dreams, but at least there was a certain monotony I was willing to follow. I had come to terms with the fact I was supposed to be in this purposeless life simply because it wasn’t my decision when to end it. I was basically resigned. Nevertheless, the little sense of mission I was fighting for has almost completely vanished at this point. I’m literally hanging by a thread while looking functional to the people around me. I’m beyond exhausted. “Exhausted” is a line so far behind me that all I can see now is a very small dot.

I haven’t lost my life yet despite all the other losses. Every day I wonder if today is the day I’ll end it. Every day I check I still have the means to put an end to this never-ending cycle. I’m still here and I have no fucking clue why that is. I’m not resigned anymore; I’m just picking up the pieces to build the courage I need. I’m not even looking for help anymore; I’ve tried therapy and medication, but maybe it was just too late. The truth is that nobody can save me but myself. I’m the only one who can fight the darkness inside my head, and I’m the only one who can decide it’s not worth the effort anyway. No matter how many people say “You’re not alone”, the reality of my life is that I AM. I AM ALONE. Strangers who might care about me are not going to change that because every time I hit rock bottom, they won’t be here to pick me up. No one’s ever been here and no one ever will. That’s what I’ve learned this year, so happy fucking birthday to me! I wish it were the last.

#not supernatural #depression tw #suicide tw #personal #about me #charlie talks #suicidal thoughts #so many losses #please don't read if you have issues with depression

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jcoin7 · 7 years

Text

And You Look The Other Way

A friend of mine posed the following question: “Who would trust Trump to be alone with their young adult daughter?”

Hmmmm....Obviously this is someone who doesn’t trust Trump in general, and knowing him I can say with certainty that he is firmly on the Liberal side of the political spectrum. Which I am not. Well, not until recent events caused me to find myself labeled a Liberal by people whose leanings I realized were so far right that they can’t go fishing for fear of capsizing every boat they are in. But then something interesting happened, and by interesting I mean something that caused my hair to catch fire I was so mad at the jackass who responded with the following: “In the White House with Trump, yes. In the White House with Bill Clinton or Hillary Clinton, no.”

See what happened there? The respondent (Let’s call him “Jack”) somehow decided that not only is Trump trustworthy enough to be left with a young woman alone, but that both Bill and Hillary Clinton are NOT. And when he was questioned on his statement he went even further, stating, “Only 2 presidents have a history of grabbing the pussy or letting sperm fly in the White House, and they are Kennedy (D) and Clinton (D).” That’s an exact quote so don’t blame me for the shitty writing, I do well enough with that on my own.

With that comment Jack has done two things. First he has implied that Presidents Clinton and Kennedy’s affairs make them LESS trustworthy for young women to be around than a man who has been caught on tape admitting to grabbing women’s genitalia and getting away with it because he’s famous, and admitting to walking in on underage girls in beauty competitions he funds while these underage girls are in various stages of undress. Second he has implied, by including the aforementioned Presidents’ political affiliation, that Democrats are somehow less trustworthy around women than a man who between 1987 and 2012 changed his Party affiliation FIVE TIMES (1987 Republican, 1999 Independence Party, 2001 Democrat, 2009 Republican, 2011 No Party Affiliation AKA Independent, 2012 Republican). And that’s just since he moved to Manhattan back in 1987).

So I decided to tell him that no, he wasn’t correct. And a LOT of “NO” wound up coming out.

No, other Presidents have had numerous liaisons both in and outside of the White House.

No, they were not all Democrats. Like Thomas Jefferson, a Democratic-Republican (the ideological predecessor to the modern Republican Party), who had an affair with a slave and fathered five children with her. Can you imagine if he’d have been a Democrat? NO ONE would have let their slaves near him knowing how lecherous those pesky Dems could be! Or Warren Harding, a Republican, who allegedly had TWO affairs, and whose second mistress was actually paid $50,000 BY THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE so that she would not come forward and expose their affair as Harding had just won the Republican nomination to run for President. Boy, if he’d have been a Democrat I’m sure that he’d have dies much sooner from his untrustworthy ways than the manner in which he allegedly DID go - poisoned by his wife for cheating on him just three years into his Presidency! Whew! Good thing he was a Republican!

No, you were not asked to elaborate on the question so as to draw attention away from President-elect Trump's proclivity for physically assaulting women. You may (and I’d venture a guess WILL) continue the current Trumpist strategy of “Defense By Distraction,” but I would also venture a guess that such a tactic will eventually blow up in your collective faces.

No, it is not okay to state that "Only 2 presidents have a history of grabbing the pussy," since it completely ignores the fact that President-elect Trump has a history of doing just that, which is known because HE HIMSELF SAID SO. That’s right, you remember don’t you? He actually said that himself, it wasn’t someone claiming that he heard it, or some “11th hour victim” as you and others have called them, who you claim only came forward to try to hurt Trump’s chance of being elected. Even though a number of those women have been either attempting to get their story out for years or had previously told their story only to have it ignored because, well, the man wasn’t running for President at the time. Excuse me for a moment.

Okay, I’m back. I felt the need to wipe the feeling of disgust off of myself, for having to explain such things to a fellow human being who is apparently fine with slandering possible assault victims as well as blatantly making things up to suit his guy’s case. It’s sickening. And now to continue....

Yes, you can and probably will spend the next four years defending a man who, before he has even taken the Oath of Office, has reneged on many of the campaign promises that you voted him into office because of. A few quotes, and their current state of being: “I WILL build a wall, and Mexico will pay for it!” NOPE. “I will appoint a special prosecutor to investigate Hillary Clinton.” NAH. “I will repeal Obamacare and replace it with something much much better.” SORRY. “I will drain the swamp.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHANOOOOOOPE!

Yes, other Presidents have made mistakes.Clinton slashed both military spending and Intel spending to the point that the Agencies that collected Intel hoarded it and kept things from each other in order to make themselves look important, which indirectly led to the failure of Intel that was 9-11. But I’m sure his affair with an intern was MUCH worse since that is ALL YOU EVER TALK ABOUT when Trump’s sexual misadventures are brought up. And Obama spent so much time trying to get social programs through Congress that he ignored a large swath of the American public who were also hurting but felt that they had no voice anymore, which indirectly led to Secretary Clinton losing votes and helping Trump get elected. But hey, HILLARY STOOD BY BILL EVEN AFTER HE HAD AN AFFAIR! WHAT A BAD PERSON! That’s way more important, since you remember THAT but not that Trump is on his third marriage after cheating on his first two wives, while Bill and Hillary are still together even AFTER all that they went through. Family values, only Trump understands them.

No, you will not actually be able to point to the mistakes of these and other Presidents for the next four years in order to distract from the dumpster fire on top of a train wreck that is ALREADY becoming the Trump Presidency.

So there are my nos, along with some yeses just to keep it positive. But you may ask at this point, “Preacher, exactly WHY do you feel that the impending Presidency of Trump will be suck a massive clusterfuck?” Well, here are just a FEW things that I told good ol’ Jack when he continued to try defending the sweet potato with legs that is about to take charge. Mind you, ALL of these are FACTS unless I otherwise mention, and I DO mention it if it’s simply speculation or opinion for the sake of fairness:

The man admitted to grabbing female genitalia and getting away with it because he's famous and to intentionally walking in on young women while they were getting dressed. It’s him, on tape. And you looked the other way.

The man berated and belittled women. He called a former beauty queen “Miss Piggy,” he alluded to Megan Kelly having her period to explain why she, in his words, treated him “unfairly.” And you looked the other way.

This man mocked a reporter with a disability on national television. And to DEFEND HIM, right-leaning news outlets showed videos of him mocking OTHER PEOPLE. So the argument was that he wasn't mocking the disabled (which the video actually shows that he WAS), he just MOCKS LOTS OF PEOPLE. Which is unconscionable in a Presidential candidate, let alone the actual President. And you looked the other way.

The man pointed to completely fake news stories in order to besmirch the names of his political opponents. He actually cited an article in the Enquirer to explain how Ted Cruz’s father may have tried to kill Kennedy. On television. And you looked the other way.

This man got the news that the last true Socialist dictator, Fidel Castro, had died the same time the rest of the world did. And while the sitting President released an eloquent letter on what Castro's death and the ongoing normalization of relations between our two countries meant for Cuba and for the world, YOUR man tweeted, "Fidel Castro is dead!" That's it. From the next leader of the free world. And you looked the other way.

The man used hatred in order to incite violence among his followers. He once told a crowd at a rally that he loved “the old days” because a protester who was interrupting him would be “carried out on a stretcher, folks,” and told another crowd in reference to a man who was punched and kicked for protesting that “maybe he should have been roughed up, because it was absolutely disgusting what he was doing.” The man was protesting. Nothing else. And you looked the other way.

The man showed on national television that he was unaware of some of the key aspects of our national defense strategy. When asked about our nuclear triad, the man SIMPLY HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL THAT WAS. HE flailed about speaking on various topics from his opposition to the Iraq war (sigh - you’re on tape with an opposite statement there too guy), President Obama being wrong about global warming being important, and, oh yeah, his commitment that nuclear proliferation should be halted. And if that last one sounds great, it would except that shortly after this interview he went on record saying first of all that OTHER NATIONS SHOULD HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS, and that he himself was not opposed to A NUCLEAR STRIKE IN EUROPE in order to win a war. Which. I’m sorry, is as terrifying as it is absolutely fucking insane. And you looked the other way.

The man stated numerous times during his campaign that he would release his tax returns after the election. Then after the audit was completed. And most recently that it doesn't matter if he releases them because only the media cares. Which is completely false as well as a smack in the face to people, like Jack, who ACTUALLY DEFENDED TRUMP by saying that after he WON, the tax records would come out and then “boy will you Liberals look stupid!” And yet here we are. And you continue to look the other way.

The man stated, in clear language and in NO uncertain terms, that he would build a wall on the border between the United States and Mexico, and that he would make Mexico pay for that wall. Unequivocally, without any reservation, with no room for gray area, he told the American people that Mexico would pay for the wall. And within a month of his being elected he stated that the United States would build the wall and that Mexico would "reimburse us," which is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than what he said would happen. And the SAME DAY that he announced this, the President of Mexico reiterated AGAIN in a statement that Mexico will NOT PAY FOR A WALL. And you looked the other way.

The man said that if he won the Presidency that he would put his businesses into a blind trust run by his children. Which is NOT A BLIND TRUST. Not by the business definition and CERTAINLY not by the legal definition. These are holdings that CAN and in fact already HAVE caused ethical issues stemming from the fact that foreign nations could show preferential treatment to his businesses in order to get preferential treatment from OUR NATION. And you looked the other way. But wait, this one gets worse. Because now that you have elected him, he has gone back on the promise to divest himself from his business holdings or come even CLOSE to putting them into a blind trust, instead openly stating in his first press conference that the day-to-day running of his businesses will be done by his sons, and that he and his daughter will have nothing to do with the running of said businesses. He will STILL OWN THE BUSINESSES THOUGH. Which, yes, is actually against the United States Constitution. That, in case you forgot, is the document that you and others like you were afraid that President Obama and Secretary Clinton if she were elected would tear to pieces, the same document that YOUR GUY is about to violate. And his daughter is as of today still in talks with a Chinese company about a Trump project in China, a company that is majority owned BY THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT. Neither she nor her father have made any move to cut her out of these negotiations. And you continue to look the other way.

The man stated that he would repeal Obamacare and replace it with "something much better." his own words. He also stated that no one would be left without coverage when Obamacare was repealed because he had "so many ideas" (again, his own words) for what to replace Obamacare with. And Congress has just moved to begin the repeal of Obamacare, something of which Trump approved, with NO REPLACEMENT AT ALL. AT ALL. Let me say that again, NO REPLACEMENT AT ALL. Because of this, over TWENTY MILLION PEOPLE will at least temporarily and over half of them permanently LOSE THEIR HEALTH INSURANCE. This is tantamount to murder, as one of the biggest provisos of Obamacare has always been the inability to be turned down due to preexisting conditions, which is ALSO coincidentally one of the FIRST things that Congress JUST VOTED THE OTHER DAY TO END. And you continue to look the other way.

The man, AND the sitting President, were briefed on CREDIBLE INTELLIGENCE that members of President-elect Trump's campaign had DIRECT CONTACT with the Russian government during the election. This is not the bed-pissing nonsense, I could not care less about whatever deviancy he practices or does not practice in his bedroom or in a Russian hotel room, for that matter. This is a detailed report based on real Intel that has caused the FBI to begin an investigation into whether members of the Trump election team colluded with the Russian government to sway a United States Presidential election. And you continue to look the other way.

But hey, at least he’s surrounding himself with “good people, smart people.” Once again, his words. How’s that going....

The man said that he would "drain the swamp," and that he would begine to rid Washington of lobbyists, insiders and big-business types who were only there for their own good and not the good of the people. And once he was elected he proceeded to nominate two Goldman Sachs executives, the CEO of the largest corporate entity in the world (Exxon-Mobil), and a handful of lobbyists to Cabinet and leadership positions. And you CONTINUE to look the other way.

The man appointed Stephen Bannon, who is responsible for articles such as “There’s no hiring bias against women in tech, they just suck at interviews” (totally misogynistic and written in such a gender-biased way as to be laughable), “Trump 100% vindicated: CBS reports ‘swarm’ on rooftops celebrating 9/11″ (completely debunked to the point that CBS ran a story just to let people know that this was false news), and “Racist, pro-Nazi roots of Planned Parenthood revealed” (a hit piece written with such a slant that there is not an ounce of verifiable factual information in it). And when the man had his first press conference, he berated a CNN reporter and called the network “fake news” for reporting NOT that Trump likes to pay Russian prostitutes to pee the bed (that was Uproxx and others after that), but that he and President Obama had been briefed on “unverified intelligence from a credible source” that the Russian government might have information that could be used to blackmail the President-elect. That’s what CNN reported. NOT the pee-pee diaries. And your man conflated them with Uproxx. And then Trump took a question from Breitbart News. I shit you not. And you looked the other way.

The man nominated a man who has a questionable track record regarding civil rights, who opposed repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell to give people of all sexual orientations the right to serve their country and who supported a Constitutional Amendment to ban same-sex marriage to head our nation's largest law enforcement body. Senator Sessions lost a bid to be a Federal Judge due to racist comments, and led his State’s defense of a school funding bill that was eventually found to be UNCONSTITUTIONAL due to its favoring of wealthy, mostly white schools over poor, mostly black ones. And you looked the other way.

The man nominated a man to run the Office of Housing and Urban Development who has publicly stated that he DOESN'T THINK HE KNOWS HOW TO RUN SUCH AN ORGANIZATION. Ben Carson has ZERO experience running such an Agency, and has just as little experience in government. Oh yeah, and you and your friends AND TRUMP made Carson out to be a complete idiot during the Primaries who couldn’t run a Burger King. And you looked the other way.

The man nominated a man to run the Department of Energy who has publicly stated that he would DO AWAY WITH IT, though he COULDN'T REMEMBER THE AGENCY'S NAME WHEN HE WAS ASKED IT. Former Governor Perry is a climate change denier, and is STILL ON THE BOARD of the company that is trying to build the Dakota Access Pipeline. And you continue to look the other way.

The man nominated a woman to run the Department of Education who has a long and vociferous history of OPPOSING PUBLIC EDUCATION. Betsy DeVos is a billionaire who advocated for charter schools and the privatization of the public education system, something that has been repeatedly proven to favor the wealthy and to disproportionally affect the poor. And you continue to look the other way.

In a few days this man will take the Presidential Oath of Office under a cloud of possible ethics violations, under a cloud of question over his leveraging of national power to make money for his businesses, under a cloud of suspicion over whether he will keep ANY of his campaign promises, most of which he’s already broken, and under a cloud of doubt as to his ability to actually do the job of President. The United States will have a possible Constitutional crisis on its hands from day one.

The fact that he has admitted to inappropriately touching women without their permission and to walking in on underage young ladies in various stages of undress are only two of MANY reasons that I would not trust the man alone with ANYONE, least of all my daughter. And she’s not even a year old yet. Which is good, because at least I can hope that by the time she understands stuff like politics, the Trump era will have become just an extremely embarrassing memory.

- Preacher

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