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nekura-haru · 3 months

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I want to move out so bad. I'd thought I'd wait more, but I don't even know what I'm waiting for.

I'm very suicidal at this point. I really can't see hope anywhere. I'm basically caged in my parents' house. I'm a girl, 23 years old. Restricted from work.

I repeated final year of high school and failed to get a diploma twice. Since then I've just stayed home, doing absolutely nothing but exist, and spend someone else's money. I live in a big family. My parents + my 5 siblings. My eldest brother being the one who spend on us, his younger sisters (i am the youngest) Unlike me, all of my sisters have diplomas. I'm the only one without it. I'm deemed stupid by my parents, and I've been told that I'm not worthy of being a working adult, I'm too useless to be able to make my own money. My parents complain 24/7 about having to spend on basic necessities, as if their children weren't their choice.

I've been told 'if you want to live your life the way you want, then get out of this house' that made me feel suffocated. Because my father knew, by all means, I had 0 ways of making money, therefore I can't escape. He believes that we, as his daughters, should stay at his house to serve him, like his fucking housemaids. Make his bed, give him his clothes after he takes a shower, clean after him, do his laundry, make him food on time, and SHOULDN'T be too tired, because we have to be "his joy and bliss" and keep him company while eating. And we shouldn't dare ask anything from him.

So far I believe he'd been the meanest to me. Because he does listen, and doesn't disrespect my sisters as much as he does to me. It breaks me, pains me and hurts me day by day, each word of his pierce through me like a damn bullet to my heart. I believe I don't deserve this. It feels like a nightmare to think I'm going to grow old, and my life is going to end while living inside these same four walls, living for the sake of someone else's happiness, while using someone else's money.

I want to move out. So bad. I want to work. I just want to work. And make my own money, and just feel basic happiness.

Some of you might say 'i am living the dream' i am living in prison. You have no idea. You have no idea how bad it feels. To be caged and suffocated, at the mercy of someone else's money, being badmouthed on a daily basis, being forced to put on this happy face and serve that same person who hates my entire existence.

The only way they'd accepted (because they have no logic) to see me working is doing art commissions. It's never consistent, very unstable, I had just started trying to build my own platform, it has been going well for instagram and tiktok, but it's probably gonna require thousands of followers to be able to get commissions. I've only managed to get some through reddit, which i am very very thankful for. However I'm thinking of giving up. This whole life. I dream of saving up some money so I can move out, from then I won't need money desperately as I would already find a job. (Which, yes, there's PLENTY jobs that don't require high school diplomas. My parents are just devaluing me as a human so that they keep me in their house.)

I had never thought I'd do this in my life, but I would at least try, before I commit. I'm in no way threatening or trying to manipulate anyone to sympathize with me. This is my honest feeling. I can't help feeling depressed and suicidal, and it's no one 's fault but my family's. I'm not trying to make anyone feel guilt for not helping. I couldn't help anyone either, so I really understand.

I know there are people with worse situations out there, that still doesn't make mine any better. All bads are bad.

You can guess by now what's the thing I hate the most in my life. You guessed right. It's being spent on. Being forcibly spent on for 4 years now is pure trauma. I don't want anyone else's money. I desperately want to work, I want to make my own money. So I don't feel like I'm leeching off of someone, or feel like that I'm useless and worthless as they keep telling me everyday.

Even though it's a donation /fundraising site, I would love very much to draw for you if you'd like to send me money. Even if it's only $5, I can draw simple and cute things for you.

-I can draw Chibi, very simple or full render, ranges from $5 ~ $15 -I can draw headshots, bust up, half body, full body Sketches or cell shaded, or full render, ranges from $15 ~ $80 -I can draw backgrounds, price usually depends on how complex it is, but starts from $20 -I can draw multiple people, couples, children or adults, male or female or enbies -I can draw suggestive art / nudity / just not full nsfw (my family members can see me when I'm drawing so I do it sneakily) -I can do character designs / character sheets. I would love to do Vtuber models once I get the hang of it. -If someone find my art interesting enough, I'm open to drawing manga/webtoon art since I've devloped the skill to draw multiple things at a fast pace.

I don't even know if anyone is going to read this, or if this is going to reach anyone, but won't hurt in trying. I don't have a certain goal in mind. My country is very poor, so $1 equals about ×3.7 in my country's currency. For now I'm aiming to save up few hundreds, so I would love to draw bigger arts.

This is my ko-fi

I would appreciate it a lot if you reblog so that other people find this post, it's okay if you don't

Here's examples of my art

#fundraiser #donations welcome #Donations #ko fi commissions #queer artist #toxic parents #toxic household #signal boost #signal b00st #please help #need help #I don't even know #need money #Donation post #mutual aid #donate if you can #help if you can

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possamble · 10 days

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What are your headcanons about Marcille's mom if you have any? It's interesting that what drew Donato to her was cause she lived the history he studied, or that was said somewhere at least. She must've had an interesting life.

so this was going to be just a normal answer but then I realized I have a Lot of Things To Say. so here goes, a compilation of what we know for a fact from the canon, what I've extrapolated from the visual cues and details, and my theories based on all of that.

Things we know for a fact about Marcille's mother because they were explicitly stated in the manga and supplemental materials:

She was a court mage for a Tall-man kingdom at the southern part of the Northern Continent

Donato, a court historian, fell in love with her because she had lived through the history he was studying, and he courted her for 17 years (age 15 to 32) before getting married

She was a cheerful person who rarely showed extreme emotion and took things as they came

She always cooked a huge meal for Marcille on her birthdays

She remarried a gnome after Donato's death and a short distance away from Marcille's childhood home

Pipi, Marcille's pet bird, was actually older than Marcille and originally belonged to her mother (bird died at 62)

She was extremely heartbroken when Donato died and ultimately ended up instilling a deep fear of mortality in Marcille with her words

the only time she showed extreme emotion in front of her family was when Donato could no longer eat his favourite dish near the end of his life.

She scolded Marcille for being cruel to ants (implying she can have a stern side when needed)

Things that are explicitly shown but mostly through visual cues

She has a very distinctive style of dress always involving a ribbon choker (mirroring Marcille's habit of always wearing a matching choker with any of her outfits that don't cover her neck)

She was almost stereotypically good at housekeeping and traditionally "wifely" things (very frequently depicted wearing an apron or doing some domestic chore when not at work, seems to have been an avid cook).

She knits? (also, note the affectionate smile as she's looking at Donato and Marcille reading a book together in the full panel)

She was as excited for Marcille's milestones as Donato was.

She didn't tell Marcille much about elven food

(there are a couple things that this panel in particular implies:

She lived a good deal of her life (if not being born and raised) in a mainly elven country in the West, implied by her knowing enough of an elven region's cuisine to prefer Tall-man food over it

seems to have a pretty carefree and casual demeanour overall, if this is how she replied to Marcille asking her about it (sounds like she never gave her culinary preferences that much thought to begin with)

slightly related to number 2, it seems like she and Marcille had a fairly casual parent-child dynamic (especially in comparison to the Toudens' memory of their father)

(local elf tastes Italian food once and never goes back))

However, she seems a lot more... serious in most of the other times we see her? Almost like the very stereotypical archetype of a graceful elf.

Subsequent conclusions about her personality:

Usually pretty carefree and cheerful at home, has been a loving and attentive parent throughout Marcille's childhood (while not being so doting that she didn't discipline Marcille).

Slightly more conjectural theories on her personality:

Had a much more graceful and professional personality at work, which would explain the more serious portraits we see of her.

Given that both she and Donato had positions at the royal court, it seems a little odd that she'd go out of her way to do all the housework herself, so maybe she just enjoyed doing it?

Now taping all the evidence together and toeing the line between analysis and fanfiction:

It's clear that she loved Donato very much and was utterly devastated by losing him. But there's one thing that really stuck out to me in what little we see of her:

Doesn't she seem... angry? The way she's gritting her teeth, clutching the tablecloth, and how this is the first and only time we see her eyes opened that wide. In the following panel, you see her being quiet and dejected after her initial outburst. She's still crying very intensely, but her brows are furrowed, and she's not really responding to Donato's affection in her body language.

We're not told the details of how she felt about losing Donato other than that it upset her. But this, to me, implies that she was angry and resented that he was aging, that the end of his life was approaching. An "it's not fair" type of preemptive grief. And if this was the first and last time she cried like this in front of her family, she was either very good at coping in private... or very bad at letting herself feel unpleasant emotions until they become unavoidable and end up overwhelming her.

It's not too remarkable a detail on the surface. It's even reminiscent of what the audience has seen of Marcille. But... when it comes to the big picture, you'd think an elf who voluntarily chose to marry a tall-man and have a half-elf child would have been better prepared for this.

It kind of recontextualizes her cheerfulness to me.

"I'm sure everything's gonna be okay!" (or some variation thereof, depending on what translation you have).

And this is stated to contrast her extreme grief when finally confronting Donato's failing body and eventual death. But I'm wondering if... maybe this optimism was why she was so upset. What if she went into all of it thinking "everything's gonna be okay"? What if she was a little young by elven standards, and just followed her heart thinking that her own resilience would get her through anything?

Of course, only to get completely overwhelmed when she actually loses Donato. She turns into a completely different person. And that's heartbreaking on its own-- but what the audience sees is the effect it had on Marcille. Can you imagine being her, watching your invincible and upbeat mother suddenly lose all the light in her eyes in one go?

I've already made a huge post about how I think Marcille models her "work persona" off her mother, but another thing that stuck with me as I was looking for more details in the manga was this:

copy pasting from the other post i made about it lmao it's like... the second she resigns herself to lifelong pain and terror, there's another portrait of her mother facing her like this. with their heads bowed, in mirrored body language of resignation and despair and sorrow. Except it's posed like Marcille is still looking at her mother but her mother is looking away.

It took me a second to realize, but I think that it's a visual metaphor for the fact that Marcille's mother was the only long-lived role model she had-- and she failed to model healthy grief for her daughter. I don't say this as an accusation or to disparage her as a character, but just as a matter of fact. In her, Marcille was seeing herself older and losing a short-lived spouse or loved one of her own, and all she saw was hopelessness.

But her mother didn't mean to instill hopelessness and terror in her. She wasn't really thinking of how it would truly affect Marcille at all (at least, that's how I'm interpreting her looking down and away from Marcille in the metaphor), she was just sad. And she, in her own way, was trying to protect her daughter and help her prepare for future losses.

What she meant was "loss is inevitable, and you have to learn how to be in pain but live on anyway." What Marcille heard was "loss is inevitable, and you will be scared and hurt for the rest of your life."

Again. Marcille's mother doesn't feature explicitly in the story the way her father does -- but in so many ways, her shadow, her silhouette, her reflection is always hanging over Marcille.

All that to say... headcanon-wise (everything from here on is 100% without evidence lmao), I'd like to think that she matured and realized that she failed Marcille. I imagine her being regretful about it, wanting a chance to fix it but never finding a way to insert herself back into Marcille's life when Marcille is so so so busy becoming the most accomplished mage possible. I imagine her being herself again, now, so many years after her loss and after remarrying -- but with her cheerfulness tempered with a lot more wisdom and the pain of having gone through loss like that. I think the second Marcille actually tells her what happened in the dungeon, she'd want to go running to her daughter again -- if Marcille tells her the full truth instead of just being embarrassed she let things get that far. (oh, the tragedy of her wanting to be more like her mother and an accomplished adult who doesn't need to be babied... being embarrassed to actually tell her mother how much she fucked up...)

There's also the tension of her having remarried -- I know that there's at least a little bit of resentment that Marcille harbours about that, because she's childish like that at heart even if she makes an effort not to externalize it. I think that her mother would be aware of that, potentially adding to her sense of guilt and apprehension at trying to reappear/intrude on Marcille's life. I honestly don't think Marcille has met her stepfather -- or even considers him a stepfather rather than "mama's new husband" and kind of a total stranger. I think she and her mother actively don't talk about it in their correspondence, like an elephant in the room.

but, ultimately, I think her mother is on her side no matter what. Ancient magic? Dark necromancy? Sure, she'll feel guilty and like she was partially responsible for setting Marcille down such a painful path, but she wouldn't care. that's her daughter!! she would've moved back west and been petitioning for her at the court, buying a house right next to the Canaries barracks and visiting her every day that she wasn't on a mission. And if her husband had opinions on Marcille becoming a "dark arts user," he either gets over it or it's divorce with him. Yes, she might have had her optimism completely humbled by losing Donato like that -- but she's still headstrong and self-assured and she doesn't care what people think of her. It's her way or the highway and she's always going to be in Marcille's corner.

(She also needs a name lol. I went with Juno, just to be cute about "Marcille"s closest real life equivalent being Marcella, which is the female version of Marcellus, which in turn is a diminutive of Marcus, which was derived from Mars. Absolutely in love with Marcille potentially being named after Ares/Mars the fucking god of war btw)

#asks #she could easily be interpreted as distant or neglectful after Donato's death too #with how little involvement she has in Marcille's life/the fact that Marcille doesn't even mention her when talking about her life prospect #and that's fair! I will argue to hell and back that she was a loving parent when Donato was alive #but there's nothing that suggests she remained a loving parent afterwards #I just think that like... parental relationships are so complicated in dungeon meshi #you cannot deny that the toudens' mother loved them dearly but that she failed them both miserably as a parent #and i think it'd be more compelling if Marcille's mother was a little like that too #not a totally and easily dismissable deadbeat #but someone who truly loves her daughter but was only human herself and couldn't be what Marcille needed at a crucial moment #and regrets it deeply #and that the distance between them is mutually self-imposed by complicated feelings of guilt and fear #and a little resentment from Marcille's side that she hasn't really properly processed #I don't know if I'll ever get around to writing it but i had this idea where Marcille does finally spill the beans to her mom and she just #immediately arrives in Melini #and its awkward for a bit but they do finally have a heart to heart and air it all out #and marcille starts freaking out that her marriage is rocky rn bc her new husband wants her to distance herself from marcille #on account of the crimes and all #marcille's like no you can't blow up your marriage for me and her mother just shuts that shit down #'you didn't choose to be born. i was the one who made that choice for you'#'i brought you into this world and i'll be damned if i don't take responsibility for that the entire way'#'you are entitled to *nothing less* than my unconditional love.'#and obviously that's not a sentiment that's exactly healthy as a universal statement about parenthood #but i think its what her mother would believe and what marcille needs to hear #and dungeon meshi does such a fantastic job at just... letting imperfect things just *be* without having to justify it immediately #it expects the audience to do their own critical thinking #and know that its not trying to make sweeping universal statements in every instance #marcilleposting #marcille donato

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