me, sober, openly going through my sobriety journey, just chillin.

my co worker who knows i'm a recovering alcoholic, being dead serious: if you're feeling stressed maybe you should have a drink

On tumblr i feel like i have the most transparency, least ppl i actually know following me, and out of the social media apps, i feel like tumblr has the least judgement. so im going to express some things here in addition to what i wrote in my journal.

I experimented with drugs at a very young age. Like 13+

I’m 20 years old now, going to be 21 next month and last time i was really addicted to something was cocaine when i was 17-18.

At an even younger age than 17 and 18 when i was 14-16 i was in a relationship with a boy 2 years older than me who had a history with downers, when we started dating he wasnt using any of that shit but few months into our relationship he relapsed with pills while he was having trouble as an indigenous boy with the law that was targetting him. He eventually moved on to heroin. And i dabbled in it a bit. I was never a fullblown heroin user like he was, but i tried it a couple of times. And you dont just try heroin . After one time that substance changes your brain chemistry, it is THAT addictive.

I never used it as consitently as i saw other people using it in, and my city was heavily affected by the opiate and fentanyl crisis. The amount of kids and young adults thats i still know who are affected by it is devastating. But i havent used the substance since i was 17. Before i got addicted to cocaine.

Just this past week, i had to get an abortion. The most recent man i was with got me pregnant. We’ve been clean together, just weed and occasional alcohol like most people. But i had to get put to sleep for my abortion it was in an IV, mind you i have never shot up any drug in my life. I was put to sleep this past summer 2020 for my wisdom tooth and it must have been a different anesthesia. It was probably morphine (which i experimented with in my teens too, but never got addicted) it didnt feel the same as this time when i went under.

When i went under this time it was like this painful surge all thru my left arm where they shot it, and they warned me of that, then i fell asleep but im quite sure that that was fentanyl, which is fine! The doctors are allowed to use fentanyl, especially for something like that. Im greatful i live in a country with the right to choose and free health care.. but since that anesthesia i’m most definitely having heroin withdrawals. And like i said i wasnt addicted physically to heroin. I watched my ex boyfriend and ex friends go through dopesickness and were truly addicted to the substance to the point where if they stopped cold turkey, the withdrawals could kill them. Yeah it isn’t like that, however now i’m having dreams of smoking heroin and it’s definitely a withdrawal effect from the anesthesia...

I have to be realy careful now and aware of myself. I’ve cut ties with my old drug dealers, and my current weed dealer happens to be a survivor of the opiate crisis himself. I have good family that support me the best that they can and i’m so grateful and blessed that i’m far out of that hole that i was in, in my teens.

There’s not really any reason that i’m writing this except to get it off my mind, and maybe some people relate . I dont know. I’m just reassuring myself of where i am and who i am. And im not there anymore. But i’d feel like i’m lying to myself if i didnt address it somehow.

I really need therapy and i havent taken my ssri’s for 2 days since my abortion because i forgot them at home and ive been staying at my moms for 2 days since to recover.

Its a sunny day and i live around lots of ocean, so im going to go out and watch the waves and smoke a blunt and listen to the birds and just have compassion for myself. Anyone thats gone thru addiction or is still going thru it, or have a love one who is affected by it, know that you’re not alone and it might get tough some times but anything else is a step in the right direction. Some times theres days when i just cant do anything, and thats okay. I dont have a whole lots to say because i’m still healing but i hope this reaches someone that needs to hear this.

PLL THE PERFECTIONISTS 1x02 SEX LIES & ALIBI’S RECAP & THOUGHTS

We open with the University students gathering at the scene of the crime. The police cover Nolan’s body and Ava is seen to be mid meltdown, distraught over Nolan’s death. Ava points an accusing finger at Caitlin telling her that it’s exactly how she imagined it. Yes, it did happen exactly as Caitlin had imagined (I’m not ruling her out yet, though I think if it was her, she’d choose another option to avoid incriminating herself.)

The depressed Ava montage broke my heart. She’s lost her parents, one on the run from the law and other chose to leave. She obviously took comfort in Nolan and now that’s gone she feels alone. Dylan has a guilty conscious having night terrors about Nolan. ‘Save it to Nolan to haunt us in both life and death.’ Andrew doesn’t seem to be in the loop, if Dylan trusted him he would tell him that Nolan’s been blackmailing him. He could come clean about the kids or not. Either way, he doesn’t fully trust Andrew.

Jeremy is so suspicious. He seems like a very strong character. What I took from this scene when Jeremy said “it’s okay if you are relieved Nolan is dead. You can admit that to me.” It seemed to have an underlining of “Babe, I get you because I killed him for you.” It’s all in the dialogue “I don’t feel bad that you don’t have to worry about him anymore.”

I knew Nolan wanted to meet Alison. I called it either being Ali or Mona, my second victory and it’s only been two episodes. So Nolan sends Alison a message asking her to meet him on the roof before he was killed. Backtracking to what we were shown from the rooftop, Nolan seemed to have met the person he messaged. So, maybe it wasn’t Alison but Ali pointed out how Taylor could be her doppelgänger.. I’m just saying, it really could’ve been Taylor in an Alison mask.

And nobody would suspect the dead girl..

Dylan and Caitlin talking about how they all don’t really know each other. That’s important. Someone on here made a connection between the books and said that there was a character with a split personality called Parker and Caitlin’s name is Parker - Lewis. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if Caitlin did it as Parker, drugged Dylan as her accomplice and they both killed him. Their conversation just seems a little sketchy. The whole “We have to make it look like we are sad and not relieved because I dated him and you were his friend.”

Mona is obviously leading towards a mental breakdown. She seems to be in manic mode completely unaware of Alison talking to her as she attempts to follow her little system. I zoomed in on her wall and next to all the equations, I saw the framed picture which seemed to represent a split personality, but it also looked half Male, half female. Could this represent Nolan and Taylor?

Mona’s extremely offended by Alison asking her if she was on the roof the night of Nolan’s death. Mona did so much to redeem herself to the girls. She honestly really tried so I understand her offence. Alison shows Mona the text and Mona tells her that it looks like she killed him.

Oh Ava, please stop drinking. It doesn’t help with anything. Yes you want to numb the feelings, but alcohol is a depressant. Take it from a recovered alcoholic, it’s always best to seek help from a trauma therapist or grievance counsellor. The song is so fitting though. Marlene is great at choosing songs I have to give her that.

“Does anyone know you were doing Nolan’s work for him?” “You heard the news?” “Yeah he was murdered.” I don’t know I’m just so suspicious of Andrew at this point. Everyone talks about this so casually.

I like how Caitlin is open with Jeremy about her hate for Nolan and goes as far as sharing the paper that she wrote about murder being justified and about Nolan. She goes on to say that Alison intuitive and knew that the paper was inspired by Nolan. Jeremy tells Caitlin that she didn’t do anything so why is she upset. How does Jeremy 100% know that? Maybe because he killed Nolan. So Caitlin and Jeremy have a song. How do they say that a song with lyrics “in the after light, he follows me.” Relate to them enough as a couple to be labelled “our song?” At first I thought it said in the afterlife..

Mona lacks what all of us other females don’t. Alison announces that she brought food, most of us would be like THANK YOU QUEEN. But not Mona “I’m the reason Nolan is dead. He didn’t belong here. It was his personality traits. My Algerivem (The fuck you spell that) red flagged him.” “Because he was dangerous?” “No, flagged is someone who could push another student to the point of snapping. So by looking the other way and not telling Miss Hotchkiss, I created a killer.” “So you’re using your code to figure out who snapped.”

So, Mona seems to find some kind of comfort in her old ways. Solving things, getting completely lost in it.

ALISON SLAPPING MONA AND SHE LOOKS AT HER IN SHOCK THEN IS ALL LIKE OOOH KEY LIME PIE MY FAVOURITE. ICONIC. I love these two together. Mona asking Alison when she became a wuss. This is what we’re getting, the constant bring up of Alison’s past. This must have a meaning soon!

The way they filmed the scene of Ava sleeping as if someone was standing there with a knife raised ready to kill her. True horror movie style. The lights come on and it’s Dylan and Caitlin. So, what if this is a clue. Dylan and Caitlin are somehow involved either together or alone. Or maybe it’s a clue towards Nolan’s killer being Jeremy or Andrew.

All these characters are calling out the obvious. When the group are in Ava’s room and Caitlin claims her and Dylanhad nothing to do with Nolan’s death and Ava says “before he was murdered” Dylan said a similar line earlier on in the episode and so did Andrew. So, what if this focus on Nolan being murdered is to throw us off. I mentioned this last week, but someone in a Nolan mask could’ve easily been killed. So Nolan may not have been murdered. But someone was.

There it is again from Dylan “We don’t know each other well enough to trust each other but we need each other.” That’s also the second time someone has referred to it as the perfect posse. “Everyone at BHU is a suspect.” This is exactly why I’ve ruled nobody out yet. “We all have secrets that make us look guilty.” There must be more secrets than what we already know. Let’s recap what we know. Nolan pretty much manipulated Dylan into kissing him: He cheated on Andrew. Thus how Dylan now represents Nolan in his perfect posse and writes papers for Ava and Nolan. Nolan blackmailed Caitlin with a picture of one of her mothers who is a politician kissing a man. He blackmailed her into being his girlfriend. There had to be darker secrets he has on them. Caitlin says to Ava “Unless you are that one person with nothing to hide.” So, Ava seems to be acting like Nolan doesn’t know any of her secrets, I think she’s naive to assume that she’s safe in that respect.

mad world sounds beautiful on the cello I must say. So, this iconic scene of the three musketeers walking to the funeral. In slow mo. I felt for Ava when Claire embraces Caitlin whose only feeling scared for herself whilst Ava stands in the background genuinely hurting. The way it’s shot the over Caitlin’s shoulder shot and Ava blurred out in the background is direct symbolism. When it comes to Claire, Ava felt like an outcast. THEM HOLDING HANDS DURING THE SERVICE FOR SUPPORT WAS SO CUTE.

We get a ton of information from the Mona and Alison conversation at the funeral. Mona confides in Alison about a partial black out during the time of Nolan’s murder. Who would be able to orchestrate something like that? TAYLOR HOTCHKISS MAYBE!? She is after all, monitoring the cameras at BHU and I’m unsure of the timeline. Was Beacon Guard existing when she was “alive”? If so, she would’ve found a way to hack into the system. The only other person we know who knows how to do that is sitting right next to Alison and revealing this information.

So you’re telling me that Caitlin dated both Mason and Nolan, two childhood friends? Interesting. Dylan is getting really shady. “Is it just me or does Mason look a little too sad?” Is it just me or do you and Caitlin look a little guilty and like you don’t care?

MAJOR FLASHBACKS TO PLL WITH THAT SHOT OF THE LEAVES BLOWING IT REMINDED OF THE SCENE WITH THE LEAVES BLOWING AND THEN WE SEE THE MISSING PERSON’S AD ON THE ROSEWOOD NEWSPAPPER WHEN ALI WENT MISSING.

“Dana Booker, you are even more of a low life than I thought.” AVAJALALI SNAPPED. Dana announces that she is no longer working with the FBI but as the new head of security. There it is again “Things are far from okay, a student was murdered but rest assured as BHU’s new head of security, will find out who killed Nolan Hotchkiss.” Wow TANA 2.0. THIS WOMAN IS SIMILAR TO TANA IN A FEW AWAYS AND THAT WORDING IS VERY SIMILAR TO WHAT TANA HAS SAID IN THE PAST

So, Ava tells Dylan and Caitlin that Nolan hid his weed in the greenhouse. When Dylan gets there he finds a note. Someone had got there first. Who else knows that Nolan kept secret things there? Welllll. Ava. But there must be someone else.

Alison bringing up the whole “or someone’s trying to frame me for his murder.” And Mona says that it’s a possibility. ALISON CARES SHE WANTS MONA TO STAY IN TOUCH WITH REALITY AND MONA IS PLAYING ONLINE CHESS THATS SO MONA. “Id offer to play with you in person.” “You’d lose.” THIS SEEMS SIGNIFICANT. IS MONA HINTING AT A GAME. SHE IS THR GAME MASTER AFTER ALL. OMG.

The creepy ass voice sounded similar to Grunwald? Are they gonna bring Grunwald into this. She’s so creepy, I love her. “It’s just like you imagined it.” If they all heard that voice, which it seemed like they did..

Ruling out students with braces. Who has braces??? Also Ava feeling so alone breaks my heart into millions of pieces and she just accepts it as the way it is :(

Dana is so SHADY AND SO TANA. Wow. Alison pulling the big strings like “Do you have a warrant? And she tells her she doesn’t need one because of her contract.

Alison never gets a break from A activity, walking into her home to see a window open and then the creepy ass mother of her ‘doppelgänger’ just chilling with some wine in the dark. That’s what serial killers do Claire. If you don’t want to be suspected then don’t wait in the dark. She says disappeared and then changed it to killed herself.. does Claire know something? When Alison asks her if Claire wrote “They’re watching” on the wall Claire hesitates and doesn’t offer a real answer. Were Nolan and Taylor close? Apparently they teamed up. So this could be the case, backtracking to my theory last week of Taylor and Nolan killing someone and figuring things out from “the dead.”

MONA IS TALKING TO HANNA MARIN AND MY BABIES SPOBY ELOPED FINALLY. THE ONLY COUPLE I WAS REALLY BEHIND ELOPED. SPOBY DESERVE ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD.

Dana takes Caitlin, Dylan and Ava our of class and starts asking them about their alibi. Que Alison stepping in and giving them one. ICONIC WHEN SHE IS LIKE “BRING IT ON BITCH.”

So my overall verdict - I gave this episode a 9. I LOVED IT. We got our little Easter eggs and the mention of Hanna and SPOBY ELOPING. We got Alison giving her students an alibi and being a savage. All the Mona

Move On

I know it’s the middle of the night but I want to finally say these things out loud and put them to rest. I want to move on and not stay in broken pieces.

So yeah, here it goes into the tumblr void in a last ditch attempt to free myself from my past.

I am a victim of circumstance sure, bad things have followed me like a plague since I was birthed. I was born into poverty I worried about if I was going to have food or a roof over my head. And yeah, my mother was never home and my dad was cold and distant, it’s passed now. Move on.

I got bullied a lot, kept putting on more and more weight. Got called a whale, and by my own father, a tub of lard. But it’s passed, it’s over and I want my confidence back now. Let it go.

Yes both my parents attempted suicide in front of me, more than once. And yes in fits of rage my mom put her head through a glass window pane and nearly got hit by her asshole boyfriends car. That’s not my fault.

Yes my mom is an alcoholic (hopefully recovering) and she’s done some fucked up shit, been pass out drunk, made empty threats. Your brother is safe and so are you, it’s not your problem anymore.

Yes you self harmed and tried to commit suicide yourself, it was a dark place to be but you’re not there anymore.

Yes you’ve been stalked and catcalled and sexually abused but you walked out and saved yourself, you’re not weak for that, you’re strong.

Yes you’re a mess and binge eat and neither are good but you’re working on it, and you’re recovering.

Yes you’re socially awkward, and yes your friends tend to talk badly about you or abandon you, but that’s not on you. You were good to them, attentive, generous and kind, you don’t have to fit their mould.

So what you aren’t thin, and so what if you hate your crooked teeth someone will love you for exactly who you are so stop fussing about it.

Most of all, maybe your mental health isn’t great, and sure, you panic and get depressed. Mental illness doesn’t define you.

Remember the positives, you’re a morally upright person, you’re generous and smart, you are loveable and pretty. You have to let this shit go, it’s eating you alive Jenna.

Get Away From Her

13 Reasons Why

Zach Dempsey x female! reader

Warning: some cursing, sexual assault, marijuana, alcohol, fighting, blood

Specifics: high school, fighting, man vs man, fluff, comedy, race neutral reader

People: Zach Dempsey, you, Sheri Holland, Clay Jensen, Jeff Atkins, Bryce Walker

Words: 2,135

Summary: Bryce gets a little too comfortable with you, very handsy. He tries to get you alone but Zach is there and he doesn’t like what he is seeing. Zach does everything in his power to protect you.

Authors Note: aghhhh this is my first time writing for 13 r.w. and i luv it!!!! so just a couple of things, i do not curse in real life so the cursing in here looks like this s***. i am just too much of a cinnamon roll and i dont curse. also another thing is to me jeff never died #jeffstilldeservedbetter so he is alive in this. ALL HE HAD WAS A CAR ACCIDENT HE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL AND RECOVERED INEEDTHISINMYLIFECAUSEILUVHIMSOMUCH!!! this deals with a lot of stuff so if this just isnt for u to read then pls skip on. anyways my sis luv zach pretty much anything that has to do with ross butler lol. hope u guys like, pls feedback y’all!

“C’mon y/n we’re gonna be late,” Sheri called waiting for you outside the bathroom.

 She had asked you to help her study for a history exam you both had coming up. Of course, you being the sweetheart you accepted her request. Unknown to you though she actually wanted to get you to the party at Bryce’s house. Her excuse was, “girl, I’ve seen the way you look at Zach and its time you do something about this love crush.”

So in the bathroom you struggled to put on a dress she let you borrow. 

As you opened the door you looked down not wanting to see the emotion in Sheri’s eyes, “Sheri this is waaaaayyyyy too short for me. I can’t wear dresses that almost go to my sugar land, especially at a party where there are a ton of horny boys.”

“Y/n, trust me you’ll be fine. I’ll keep on the watch for you, checking up on those horny boys. Plus, you look fantastic and thats what we want, right? Zach maybe can reach that sugar land tonight,” Sheri joked.

You slapped her playfully and grabbed your bag. Sheri said she would watch out for you, but that night was a night you thought maybe going to this party was a mistake.  

As you and Sheri walked up the driveway to Bryce’s party a couple of boys ran in front of you both. Acting silly, and of course it was evident that they were drunk. Your stomach was turning and in the back of your mind you questioned whether this was such a good idea.

Sheri noticed your nervousness and grabbed your arm, “hey y/n, look just have one drink for me, then I promise I’ll take you home. Deal?”

You glanced around the house, straightened your back, put on your big girl panties on and strutted inside the house. You were going to own this night. 

As you searched around the room you noticed some familiar faces from school and some new ones.

“Wow y/n, I’m surprised to see you here. I didn’t know you come to parties,” your friend from Liberty High, Clay Jensen said.

You chuckled, “I didn’t know you come to these dumb things either. Plus I was forced to go.” You pointed to Sheri who was drinking already and laughing with a group of girls. “History exam.”

Clay nodded and said his goodbyes. Great, now what were you supposed to do. You looked like an idiot, just standing near the wall by yourself. That was when you saw in the distance the tall Zach Dempsey. 

“Oh my god y/n, avoid eye contact at all cost. If he doesn’t catch you staring like all those other times he won’t come over here,” you thought to yourself. You looked to the side at some fake, odd, looking plant. Your mistake was you thought Zach was gone but when you went back to look at him he was still there! And his attention was on you. 

“Oh sweet jesus,” you prayed aloud. You thought maybe you should pretend to talk on the phone but as you rummaged through your purse you realized you forgot the dang thing.

“Hey y/n,” a voice called from above you. 

“If only that was god,” you thought in your head. “Heyyyyyy Zach. What brings you here?”

“Well its a party...so.”

Your eyes were opened wide and you plastered on this anxious, nervous, fake smile. All truthfulness you looked like you just peed your pants. 

“Are you okay y/n?”

“Me? Oh yeah,” you waved his concern off, “I’m fine. Just not the party type. I just came here for a friend I’m helping Sheri study for her history exam.”

“Yeah I saw you came in with Sheri. By the way you look amazing in that dress. Your like the best dressed in the whole house.”

“Thanks,” you said awkwardly pulling down the fabric. “I mean its not mine, its Sheri’s, but you think its too much? I mean its just a party and I came all dolled up when everyone is either wearing jeans or skirts.”

“No! I mean no, I think you look perfect.”

You smiled all flustered at his compliments. 

“Hey listen y/n if ever you want to-”

“Whats up bro and...y/n l/n? Wow didn’t think I’d ever catch you here.”

Bryce, Bryce Walker (lol i feel like veronica in heathers)

“Me neither,” you said trying to get out of the conversation. Rumors have spread like fire about Bryce, he was a trouble maker. You did not need that right now, actually how about never. 

“Man, y/n you clean yourself up pretty good. I’m so used to seeing you all covered and a good girl. Now you look pretty bad,” Bryce winked at you while licking his lips.

“I kinda regret wearing this dress now,” you muttered under your breath. 

Zach was getting angrier and angrier by the minute. He saw how much Bryce was making you uncomfortable and he just would not quit. 

“Well, y/n, how bout I show you a good ti-,” Bryce had started to say but you interrupted him with a shriek.

“Oh my god Laura! Whats up cous (cousin)? No I’ll go to you,” you shouted from across the room. 

Zach and Bryce’s attention was to where you were pointing and yelling. 

“I’m sorry guys to cut the talk short but who would of known my cousin is here. Well, I’ll get to you guys later gotta say hi to her or else I am gonna have some family issues,” you faked laugh.

You did erupt a real laugh though as you left because you didn’t have a cousin here. You just made that up to get the heck out of that conversation! You let go of the breath you had contained inside of you. 

Deciding to at least try to enjoy yourself, you grabbed a drink and raised it up to Sheri who was far away. Sheri smiled and clapped, mouthing “good for you.” 

“Y/n just take one drink and then you can get the h*** out of here,” you said aloud.

Your stomach started to grumble so you grab a chip and dip it into salsa. You put the whole thing in your mouth. 

“Don’t!”

You turn around to see Jeff Atkins (rip😭) , the sayings were true, he was handsome. You almost choke on your chip at his presence. 

“Atkins! Boy you scared the crap out of me,” you exclaimed.

Jeff just giggled, “I’m sorry y/n.”

You shook yourself and regained your composure, “anyways, why did you say don’t?”

“That salsa had marijuana in it, I mean I’m not gonna judge or anything but that s**** strong. So just be careful.”

Your eyes almost bugged out of your head. You put the salsa and chip down and tried to take the left overs out of your mouth.

“I saw you checkin out Zach.”

“Oh my god you too! What is it with people being interested with who I like and don’t? It’s like everyone wants to know!”

“Go after him,” Jeff said leaning against the counter. 

“What?”

Jeff gets closer, “hey I’m no matchmaker but, I can tell he likes you trust me I’m a guy. I know. Just go back to him and talk. Its better to talk outside so nobody can disturb you,” Jeff wiggled his eyebrows.

“First of all Jeff ewww, no, me and Zach are not doing the do. I just have a crush on him! Can it be that before we make it into teen mom. Second, you say you’re no matchmaker but you sure as h*** always try to be one. Third, I tried to talk to him and I get so nervous I sweat like a waterfall under my armpits! And fourth of all what do you know about girls?”

Jeff just shrugged, “trust me y/n. My advice will come handy one day. One day.”

You shook your head, “silly.”

Again, alone you stood by the drinks. You downed the last of the liquid and had the urge to use the bathroom. As you go to there, you see there is not a soul in sight.

“Finally, peace and quiet. I mean who would gather around and talk around the bathroom, thats just gross.”

As you opened the door to the restrooms you felt a hand on the lower part of your back. You quickly snap in the direction of the hand and see that it is Bryce. 

“H-hey dude,” you said trying to sound confident and not frightened. 

“Hey y/n. I wanted to finish what I started earlier. That dress it just makes the animal come out of me,” Bryce’s hands were roaming all over your body. 

“Animals, I love animals. Why don’t we talk about some, like whats your favorite?”

“I much rather do this to you,” Bryce wore a smirk the whole way through. “You’re so sexy y/n, especially in this dress. How about I take it off of you?”

“Bryce quit it!” You were starting to panic. You tried to pry him off you but he was too strong. You did not want this, Sheri said she would protect you, watch out for you. “Bryce stop it!” But Bryce would not. Instead, every time you said something he would become more handsy. 

“I know you want this y/n. You’re just urging for me to be inside you,” he whispered in your ear, biting your earlobe. Then he grabbed your face harshly to kiss you. 

Your face squirmed in disgust, you tried to kick him in the groin but he grabbed your leg. This was it you were going to be raped on this day. Tears started to form in your eyes. You were scared no terrified at this moment. After he finished making out with you, he zipped down his pants. 

Bryce kept you in a death grip. “Someone please help me! Sheri, Jeff, Zach, Clay, someone please help,” you cried in horror. 

Bryce lifted your dress up and you were sobbing and asking him to stop. Just as Bryce was about to pull down his pants Zach came to view.

Zach’s eyes widened in shock. “Dude what the f*** are you doing to her?”

“C’mon Zack were just having a little fun. Right y/n?”

You shook your head into a no, tears staining your cheeks. “Bryce tried to rape me! You pig!”

“Bryce let her go,” Zach barked out. 

Bryce then grabbed your butt with a smirk and massaged it. Everything went so quickly. Zach lunged for Bryce and Bryce let go of you. Zach punched Bryce’s stomach while Bryce tried to elbow Zach’s face.

Zach tackled Bryce down, Zach on top, started pounding and smashing Bryce’s face. Zach’s face was red of anger. He was so irate and so mad, that all he could do was scream and say “leave her alone.”

All you could do was stand, the moments before this fighting were still fresh in your mind. It replayed like a movie. You looked down at your hands and they were shaking. “Zach please stop!”

You knew Bryce was the golden child of the school, heck the whole neighborhood. If they saw what Zach did to Bryce Zach would have consequences even if he did what was right. Zach would get blamed. 

“Please, Zach stop.”

Zach stood up harshly and looked at your face. He looked as if he could almost cry. Bryce laid on the ground moaning and groaning in pain. Blood spilling from his nose and the cut on his lips. His eyes starting to become swollen. 

Zach ran to you and hugged you, “I’m so sorry y/n I wasn’t here earlier.”

“No you came just in time. Thank you Zach.”

Clay and many other kids came to see what was all the commotion. 

Well you took Jeff’s advice. You led Zach outside to talk to him about the matter. 

“I just wanted to say Zach, thank you.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you. I should of been there by your side, I should of known what would-”

“Zach! Stop! You could not have done anything more than what you did. And even if Bryce would of done that detestable thing I still would like you.”

You quickly place your palm on your mouth. Did you just say that out loud?

“You like me,” Zach questioned. 

You sheepishly looked down, then grabbed his much more bigger hand in yours, “yes Zach I do.”

Zach looked at you with an overjoyed expression. He inched closer to you putting his hoodie on your back. He gave you a toothy grin, squeezing your hand a little. 

“Hey you maybe wanna go hang out some time? I also need help on studying my history exam.”

You laughed and nodded, “I’d really like that.”

the end of a dream ?

Hell yes, A NEW CHAPTER FINALLY

To everyone who is still reading , thank you so much ! I know it has been a while but I’ll update more frequently now. There’s no John in this chapter but he’ll be back soon, I promise <3 Enjoy and leave some feedback to keep me motivated :)

„ No it’s fine really. I dont need to talk right now or anything. I just want to take a shower and sleep and forgett about everything for a while“ While you speak these words your best friend Rony looks at you with a worried expression on her face , knowing that the Jolene shes been a friend to for over 12 years is again just trying to run away and surpress her sadness and anger just to hurt herself once again even more.

After a last minute flight from west to east coast and feeling trapped inside a plane packed with just all of the very few things you owned, you made it to New York City and got picked up at the airport by your best friend Rony who moved to new York to start a carreer as a designer here.

„ Jolene… what the hell hapened? Just talk to me for a minute. I mean… YOu called me this morning sounding like you were actually panicing and 8 hours later youre standing in my aparement, looking like Ozzy Ozbourne from the mascara dried all over your cheeks. I mean I get that you want to sleep but so do I – the thing is knowing my best friend must have gone through some insan shit to step into a plane to travel to New York so fast must be serious. Just give me a hint at least.“

You sob again and wipe away some fresh tears coming from your eyes. All you see in your head is John standing in front of you in that supermarket , mumbling, stuttering, but really – not saying anything that could help you cope with that feeling of being left, of being „not enough“  of being… just something that could  be replaced by something better anytime.

„well…it’s just… John and I broke up…“ „Wait…you mean THAT John? John Frusciante eh? The time you were at the hospital we didnt really have a lot of contact and that time was a mess here too, moving from california to NYC is hell, … Im sorry I wasnt there enough for you! But i did get your letters and well, Kevin used to listen tot he Red Hot Chili  Peppers a lot so of course that name wasnt a strange one to me. Oh man, Jolene had tu bump into a lost rockstar for sure…“ „ yeah… I wish I hadn’t…“ „Did he do anything bad to you?“ „No,…I mean Rony I… I was seriously so in love with him, the time we spent together in rehab felt like a dream. The both of us got better and the more time we spent, the more it felt like we didnt really need there bad, self destructive habbits anymore. It was unsure how our relationship would go on after our treatment there but at that point, it felt like it was sure we’d stay togehter….and…“ You start crying again as you think of John hugging you and kissing you when you first met again with Flea down at Venice Beach. „ well, through all the time I thought we could be together and I had finally found someone to be with, to look after me, someone I could be the center of his life for but….“ „Wait Jolene. Stop for a second. He is John Frusicante. And well, we all must have heard the news by now, he’s back in the band and they’ll have a big comeback later this year. I know how much you’re longing for that one person centering his life around you but I dont think that would be a healthy relationship for either the two of you and… it definitely wont be a rockstar on the rise…“ You see your tears fall onto the wooden floor of Ronys flat while hearing her words. Of course. Sure she was right. That childish naive wish of being the reason for someone being alive was just irrational and impossible to be true. Yet you had been holding on to it for so long. Maybe because for you, many times in your life you didnt feel like you wanted to be alive – you just kept on existing for other people.

 „Hey…Ill make us some ginseng tea and we’ll sit down on the couch and talk for a bit. I understand that you’re feeling a lot of pain right now. You feel left behind and like you were not worthy enough to someone you loved to let you stay the one thing with the highest priority in his life. At least you think and feel like that. But come on. You’ve learned a lot in therapy. Your habbit of seeing everything in either black and white, the fact that youre always clinging onto a person you love and never want to let them go, make your whole life depend on them like they’re god… We both know where these feelings and behaviours come from, right?

„Are you talking about that… Borderline Personality Disorder I got diagnozed with?“ „We both know. Look, I cant fully understand what ist like to be you, with that mindset of yours. I dont know what its like to feel all these waves of anxiety about being left alone and not good enough to be loved. But these things combined with that strong sense of envy you get everytime someone does not pay all their attention to you will make you unable to have a happy relationship forever. I dont know the full story, but seen from a rational point I think ist great that John joined the band again. You told me in your letters how passionate he looked when he was playing guitar. You wrote in one of your letters that it seemed like he was drifting into another dimension while playing for you. And now that man has made it to recover fully. He’s back in his band and can do what he loves the most. Isnt that something you would wish for him if you really loved him?“

 All the while Rony was speaking to you, you couldnt say anyhting. She was so right. Your head always kept messing with you. Growing up with abusive and alcoholic parents that never showed you even a little hint of love you kept searching for that love in every relationship you ever had- clinging onto your partner, manipulating him and controling him to make sure he couldn’t leave – and of course, these things would always make you end up alone.

 „Did John have the chance to say anything about this? I mean If you spent some time togehter before you all of a sudden descided to come here, he sure must have had an own point of view about the whole thing?“  „yeah… he…He tried to speak but I wouldnt let him.. I just ran..away..“

Rony facepalmed herself. „ Thats so classic you. I love you, you’re my best friend . But not giving him a chance to speak,not fair.“

It hurt to talk to Rony about all of this because it made you realize that you overreacted in an irreversible way. Looking back now, your reaction was far away from any logical, ratioanal thing to do and just a typical , impulsive and panic „solution“ to a problem that you had made out in your head.

 „We cant do much about all of this now Jolene. Im glad you descided to come here instead of doing some bad shit to yourself again. Kevin and I broke up so there’s one room free here. If you can help me with the rent you can stay as long as you want.“ „wow, i Have like no money at all at the moment“ „yeah.. you’re in new york. We’ll get you a job somehwere. We’ll get through this.“

 As you lay down in the bed Rony had prepared for you , your best friend sits down on your bed for moment again looking at you „Heads up girl. We got this.“ „ Do you….do you think John and I will ever meet again? It feels wrong seeing it end like that but…“ „He’s a rockstar. I guess you’ll just have to turn on your TV“ „Thats not what I meant…“ „I know you idiot.“ Rony laughs, but imideatly realizes that jokes are no good idea right now.

 „ I hope you can maybe meet again. But for now, let time pass. You’re in New York now and he is in California. Maybe you should give up these california dreams for now. We’ll find you a job and maybe a good therapist. And thats really all that matters now. You, being okay.“

 Before You fall asleep you keep on seeng John in your head. The shock in his eyes. Like he knew how much he’d hurt you. Looking back now,it didnt seem like he looked like he got ‚caught‘ but more like he was worried about you and how seeing his face on that magazine would make you feel. And the moment he tried to say something…you just cut him off. You didnt give hime a chance to speak…. What if.. what could have been….

 No. Give up your california dreaming for now, Jolene.

ED Questions: nobody asked for this but im bored lmao

1. which eating disorder(s) do you have? 

tbh nobody has said a specific name to me drs just say either ‘eating issues’ or ‘eating disorder’ so ednos?


2. when did you develop your eating disorder?

this is hard to answer bc looking back ive shown signs since ~early teenage years but ive been fully aware of it for about 2-2.5 years


3. are you currently in recovery?

im in therapy, its bought up every other session but i tend to avoid mentioning it so yes and no


4. honestly, do you want to recover?

again, yes and no. I often h a t e feeling like this but?? the pros out way the cons at this point


5. how are you doing today?

unhealthily? great! lol i hit my next gw this week and p much all my cals have been from alcohol lmao healthily? p bad ive only eaten a cruskit and some lettuce & im kinda depressed these past days but hey! idc


6. 5 safe foods?

lettuce! so much lettuce i can easily go through a head a day. honestly, its the only thing i can eat without feeling any semblance of guilt.


7. 5 fear foods?

tbqh, its such a long list everything p much. at the height of my fear of food i saw the word protein and freaked the F out so protein


8. do you count calories?

yeah but im really good at lying to myself about how many calories ive actually eaten lmao


9. what is your max calorie limit?

i say 550, but anything over 250 makes me feel like utter shit but then again, anything makes me feel shit lol


10. what is your height?

5′3″ / 161cm 


11. what is your ultimate goal weight?

it was 49.5kg! but i hit that so its 48.7kg atm itll go down again tho


12. are you trying to lose weight?

absolutely yes


13. have you ever been called “fat”?

honestly i cant even remember if i have or not


14. have you ever been called “too thin”?

ive been called ‘small’ but not too thin. the dream tbh


15. what is your current goal weight?

48.7kgs


16. what was your highest weight?

when i first started weighing myself regularly, 61kgs


17. what was your lowest weight?

49.1kgs


18. do you wish you were back at your lowest weight?

im there rn 


19. does your family know about your eating disorder?

yes, i dont talk to a lot of ppl and p much everyone knows


20. do your friends know about your eating disorder?

yeah, one of my best friends was actually the first person i told


21. do you wish you didn’t have an eating disorder?

yes and no, i hate feeling like this toward myself and food. but ive always hated myself so this is an improvement so its a really happy side effect


22. have any “free foods”?

lettuce!! lettuce lettuce lettuce. and tea


23. how often do you weigh yourself?

every day when i wake up. id say morning but i have a shit sleep schedule lol


24. thinspo or bonespo?

neither tbh im more of a i-have-an-ed-more-to-harm-myself-less-to-be-thin kinda gal


25. biggest problem area on your body?

my chubby chubby cheeks. the great irony is that my ed gave me chipmunk cheeks which hasnt helped any but  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 


26. favourite part of your body?

tbqh i like my waist. its not tiny but its p good imo


27. what kind of results do you want to see?

booooooones!!


28. do you purge?

:/ yeah


29. do you take laxatives?

yes but i have bowel problems anyway so its the constant struggle of do i take the reccomended amount or do i overdose lmao its always overdose


30. how often do you purge?

it goes in cycles, some weeks i purge every day, other weeks its could be 1-2 times a week.


31. do you binge?

by definition, no, but often times ill eat and say to myself its a binge


32. how long have you fasted for?

im SHIT at fasting, probably like 18-19 hours


33. who’s your biggest thinspiration?

hands around thighs really get me. also protruding rib cages thats the dream.


34. favourite eating disorder movie/show/documentary?

none! ive only seen maybe half an ed doc i cant get through one. But! I have a book of stories of girls w/ eds and there was one story about a white/polynesian girl with an ed with identity issues and she was l i t e r a l l y me i still have that book


35. favourite thinspo picture?

again, any pic of fingers touching around thighs. LUV it


36. can you post a photo of yourself/your body?

ive only posted 2 body checks lol, u can see them here


37. how does your eating disorder affect your life?

Im literally obsessed with food nd my body ive isolated myself from everyone/thing in my life and everything i do is a number i h8 it


38. what is your BMI?

currently, 19.1 
39. do you follow a diet?

yeah, as little calories as possible lmao


40. least favourite part about your eating disorder?

most if not all of it? its all i think about


41. has your eating disorder ruined any relationships?

yes? if we group my ed with all my other mental health problems, i isolate myself from everyone i havent seen one of my best friends in over a year so YA


42. do you have a “guilty pleasure” food? what is it?

c h o c o l a t e. it is very much a guilty pleasure lool


43. meanspo or sweetspo?

not about the whole concept tbqh


44. does anyone else in your life have an eating disorder?

the saddest part, most women i know have expressed r admitted to doing some really shitty stuff to themselves in order to be thin


45. ever been inpatient? 
/ 46. ever been outpatient? / 47. ever been in residential care? / 48. ever been in a psych ward?

nah but ive been threatened with it


49. are you currently in therapy?

yeah, individual therapy and DBT


50. what did you eat today?

a cruskit, 1 gummy lolly, ~4 leaves of lettuce and 3 glasses of wine lmao


51. are you scared about the holidays?

yes bc ill make a pavlova and ofc im gonna eat it rip :/


52. are your family/friends supportive?

kind of, if im in a healthy mind set i know they care but dont really know how to go about it. but they let me do a lot of shitty things to myself


53. have any other mental illnesses?

’severe social anxiety’, emotional disregulation, depression, maybe avpd and/or bpd?


54. looking for ana buddies?

nopenopenope ill never encourage this


55. what is your current weight?

as of this morning: 49.1kgs

teen casting pics - Give Me 10 Minutes, I'll Give You The Truth About Euro Sex Films

Fun, kinky, a great sexual appetite, but totally against romance or commitment with me. Before I start: if you like this story please tell me - ideally graphically, and with pictures! (M or F) Okay Ive been kind of warming up to telling this story. Its kind of a big secret.

But this isnt about her. I talked before about getting a blowjob in a public shower [MM] and how I started jerking off while driving down the highway [M], and ya babes sexy babes I have more [MM] stories I could tell but none of them are as secret as this one. I was brainwashed by the popular culture I guess - seek out the young fresh-faced girls. We were best friends for years, and even when one of us would have a bf or gf, wed still hang out, fool around, go over the intimate details of what wed been up to. In part, because I was tired of them always just agreeing with whatever I said. Most of the girls Id dated up to that point were younger than Moms On Casting Couch me. I mean get some backbone. That wasnt planned on my part it just kind of ended up that way. but the sex was always lousy too. But theyd been pissing me off for awhile. This is about her mom. I had this friend that I met at a few places I used to hang out. Same age, same height (Im 6 foot, she was about 5 6" or something), and packing on a few dozen extra pounds. Theyd just be all nervous, laying there like they were afraid Id break them, and Id have to constantly check in "you okay, were good, you want me to stop? And meanwhile there was my aunt. She was the "cool aunt", always very handsy with her arms around me and feeling my muscles, complimenting me, talking about girls, etc. Nice big thighs, big breasts, and a big stomach. Which would bleed over into school, where Id sit in class bored out of my mind and stare at the teachers, undressing them with my eyes, and I soon discovered that it was the bigger, mature women I was most interested in. My aunt looked a lot like my friends mom (no we never had sex dont get excited. Anyway this isnt that kind of story. And my friends mom was exactly that - she was, in fact, a high school teacher (sadly I never went to her school, that might have been interesting! The craziest part was that her face and hair were. And so when I was younger I had those thoughts. ) with a huge ass, big tummy, and ample bosoms that her wardrobe generally kept hidden except for the occasional peek of cleavage. I bring my aunt up because she made a real homemade sex tapes impression on me growing up. I wonder if I would though? Well they were really plain. She didnt get along with her mom at all. So by the time I was out of high school, early twenties, and hanging out at my friends place on a regular basis I was definitely interested in the auntie/teacher type. And yes, alcohol was involved. One day it finally happened. If I started talking about how Id been fantasizing about her moms fat ass bouncing on czchcasting my cock it would not have gone over well. She didnt bother with makeup much, she had neat short hair that neither flattered nor complimented her, and her face was just. I think it porn europa was my friends birthday. anyway everyone was there, hot day, pool, drinks well into the evening, lots of fun. This story is the next day though. I slept over there that night (not at all an unusual thing, I crashed on their couch a lot that summer) and had kind of agreed to hang out and help clean up the next day. Wouldnt you know it though, my friends work calls her in at the last second. So off she goes and, despite the plan that the place woudl be spotless by the time her mom got home that day, it wasnt done. I mentioned my friend was pretty kinky and we talked about everything, but this we really couldnt talk about. This was a Saturday so she was dressed more casually than usual, in some kind of jogging shorts and a t-shirt that hugged her around the chest, and it was my first real look at how big this woman was. She was hungover, pissed off, but couldnt get out of it. I smooth things over as best I can, but I have to admit: the whole time Im staring at her body. I told her not to worry about it, go, Ill smooth things over with the mom. And ya maybe I was still just a bit drunk from the night before. "Hey, look on the bright side, you and I get to hang for a bit! She was my auntie/teacher fantasy and I wanted to fuck the shit out of her so bad it hurt. You must have guys all over you. " said casually and deadpan while not making any eye contact. Id date you in a heartbeat. This whole song and find me free porn videos dance of picking someone up is old news. But suffice it to say that we spend the next hour chatting while I keep grabbing little glances of her while she doesnt know Im looking. But I switch into full-on pickup artist mode. So they threw a party for. I make excuses for her to grab things from the floor while Im behind her so I can stare at that ass, and imagine burying my face between the cheeks, getting lost in all that incredible flesh. " "Oh Im sure you dont want to hang out with an old. Likewise I tried to make my ass available but she never seemed interested. Once, the fabric of her shorts perfectly framed her pussy, and I found myself grabbing my hard cock through my jeans and just gawping at her. But there were a number of times where I was over there for some reason and my friend wasnt, and her mom would wave me in and wed have a cup of tea together or Id use their pool and Id see her walking by doing something and Id just. whatever it was, things needed to get sensual somehow. If shed turned around just then the whole thing might have been over. She straightened up, put her hands on her back, and winced. As we finished I saw my chance. " she looked at me surprised, and I watched her do the math. and she knew she could trust me because she knows me so. Were in her room a few minutes later. She wasnt a visual person, or maybe I wasnt succeeding in moving myself out of the "daughters friendzone". She had these blinds that were always shut, which my slightly hungover head appreciated. but that bra strap was a real problem. and its just a massage right? So in the half light I start working on her shoulders, taking my time, doing the work. "Hey can I undo your bra? Ill skip those details. but of course its really awkward because shes laying on the shirt and its hard to get to. " She agrees, so I pull her shirt up from the bottom and try to undo the strap. A massage meant intimate contact, but intimate in an "its okay" context. and that bra is under some pressure! " "Yeah, all this bending. Which only makes my cock twitch a little more. My whole game, all my slickness. "You know the shirts in the way anyway if you just want to pull that up. And then she gets up a bit, pulls off her shirt, tosses the bra aside, and lays back down. Smart women czech casting free porn clip are hot as fuck. this was what Id been fantasizing about. Her flesh is smooth, and Im reveling in the feeling of the fat beneath it. This was the auntie/teacher fantasy come to life. I wanted to lick every inch of flesh, knead every bit of her body with my fingers. Its hard to say which one of us was enjoying the massage more. I resume the massage having seen the side of one very big breast for a moment in the rooms dim light. " Heres the turning point. I wanted to grab handfulls, lick, bite, and fuck that ass so badly. When I got to her lower back I realized Id been missing an opportunity to stare openly at that incredible ass of hers. As I got to the bottom I had to pull the band of her shorts back a bit, and she lifted her hips to help. It rose up in front of me, so big and round, with her shorts caught between the cheeks, fueling my imagination of what it woudl be like to tear these shorts off of her. I couldnt stand it anymore. I straddled her legs, saying it was too hard to work on her lower back from the side (which was true actually), and I let my hard cock press lightly against that ass while I kneeded her lower back. " She bucked her hips once, twice, stroking my cock with her ass. I landed with a hand on either side of her, my hard cock pressed between her ass cheeks. Like I said, youre hot. " She said, and bucked her hips again. I know, I know, some people dont like that but. Which knocked into my hips, making me fall forward. I leaned forward and started kissing her neck, thrusting my cock into her ass crack. Thats all the green light I needed. There was no doubt she had noticed my raging hardon. She wiggled her ass, laughing. The next thing I knew Id buried my face between those cheeks, feeling the flesh cover both sides of my face with ass flesh as I kneeded it with my hands and felt it bulge between my fingers. "Its been too long since Ive been with a man," she said. I stood up, pulled off my pants and boxers in a single sweep, and then reached forward and yanked her shorts and underwear off. The straps really in the way. Several times I thought I was going to cum without even touching myself. I dont know exactly what Id originally planned, but when I saw that ass in front of me, huge and fleshy, I lost my head. The smell and taste of flesh and sweat and. My hands got busy in the flesh between her amazing thighs, rubbing her pussy lips and working the clit with one hand while pumping a couple of fingers inside of her. I flicked my tongue up and down across her asshole furiously as my hands tried their best to move as fast as a vibrator on her clit and inside her pussy. She moaned in approval. I gave her a moment to recover, adn then I asked: "Hey do you have condoms? I found myself tonguing her asshole for what seemed like seconds and minutes at the same time, pausing only to come up for air before diving back in. " She wordlessly rolled over, opening her nightstand and pulled a condom out of a box. She reached between her legs to spread herself open, pushing her pair of big tits together with their large areolas begging for my mouth. I put the condom on, slid my cock head down through her pubic hair to feel the tickle and tease her a bit, and then slid right in. Eventually she started shouting as her orgasm hit her, her whole body quivering and shaking with sweat. it was all so WRONG, so dirty, so. They moved and shook as I fucked her, just like the rest of her body. I hooked my right arm under her knee as I started thrusting, and leaned on my left elbow so I could suck on those unbelievable tits. God, grabbing mouthfuls of flesh you could suck and pull with your mouth, so goddamn satisfying. "Yes, fuck, fuck me harder, harder, harder! She was soaking wet before Id even started, and I wondered if maybe she had been getting horny before I even straddled her legs. Eventually she started to moan and buck, shoving her ass back against my face. I remember actually collapsing and falling off of her onto the bed as I finished. ) but I persisted just so that Id get the chance to savor that huge belly and ass of hers. I came and came and came so hard I couldnt hold myself up. ) Fuck, looking down at that mature face working over my cock was unbelievable, but of course the best part was when she took my cum on her face and sagging breasts. hey I just realized I kind of have a pattern developing. When I proposed we take a shower together she was resistant at first (theres not enough room! Sadly it was a one-time thing. We were almost never alone together after that, and I got the sense she might have planned it that way a bit so as not to mess up my friendship with her daughter. I cleaned her very, very thoroughly, but Im afraid she ended up a bit dirty again when she turned the tables and gave me an amazing blowjob right there in the shower. You never see that in porn but it is so goddamn hot. I found myself pounding her harder and harder just to see the shockwaves move through her flesh, and she started yelling again. /u/Confessionburner123 and ya, they sagged exactly right. It was probably the right thing to do, actually. Id never seen a pair like these - big, but REAL. But from then on, large women became a "thing" for me (not exclusively obviously, but I did date a few), and I never dated anyone younger than myself ever again. Reminder: I love PMs giving me graphic details of how this made you feel and what youve done about it.