god i love when i finally get round to doing stuff that i've been meaning to for 2+ years. it feels so satisfying but at the same time i have DESTROYED the surrounding area. i am so sorry mum your sewing room JUST got clean and here i am cluttering it up again lol

Man I gotta get my shit together and find new coping mechanisms for stress

𝐄𝐧𝐡𝐲𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐬 𝐠𝐮𝐲𝐬 𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐚𝐭 𝐇𝐢𝐠𝐡 𝐒𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐥 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬

Alternatively, Nini having too many opinions about guys her age ft. loving slander

PAIRING. ENHYPEN OT7 X FEM!READER

THEMES. CRACK, fluff if you squint lol

WARNINGS. Totally NOT beta'd, food mentions, profanity, very very oddly specific at times because I was projecting, I love Jay.

NOTE. High school is, here in my country, for most part, 9th to 10th grade (we attend 10th for two years) according to the national system (MY country is not like other girls, guys 😩). 11th grade and 12th grade are considered junior college, spanning for just a year and half until we start preparing for university entrances. All of the parties I have actually attended were organised by either my friends from the old school or by the teachers from our tuition/coaching classes lmao. The partygoers’ ages range from 16-18 and there is ABSOLUTELY no booze or whatsoever, just good food, water, fanta, sprite and kid friendly mango juice :D Gonna have to thank God bc my best friend doesn’t use tumblr or she’d actually realise who these chipmunks  are bc of all the oddly specific details LOL

Dedicated to @kristianities and @kdyism , the two ladies I laughed about this whole shiy show to. Enjoy the slander ;-;

LEE HEESEUNG

The guy that looks sane

Probably goes to a coed school and is pretty chill with girls

Turns up in his plain tees and washed blue denim jacket thrown over

Wears a watch, ALWAYS (I’m so sorry this gonna get too specific lol)

Has this pretty famous Instagram account where he uploads covers of his favourite songs

I shit you not, but at least 3 all Girls schools have declared him the campus' national crush (we have that at our skl so kskejdj. The fangirls SCARE me to death)

When he walks in, he looks like the calmest, the most sorted guy to ever exist

From afar, he might look like he is just here to vibe (and he is)

But you might need to reconsider the calm aspect 

Loves the hype

The kind to literally bust a lung to his fave songs

Got some GREAT moves up his sleeve and never hesitates to use them 

Gets super shy afterwards but do we talk about that?

Gonna be very specific here :O But he strikes me as that one quiet kid who has a lot of friends and is very much in demand

His cousin might be a bitch you know from skl, BUT HEY??? He’s nice when you talk to him

Probably even scores your number by the end of the party and sends you the notes he gets from school

Rest 99.9% assured that he's gonna become your new bestie way too quickly

PARK JAY

The rich kid (pt.2) who actually looks and acts like a rich kid lol

Goes to some really fancy All boys' school

Pulls up in a porsche

His ultra modern very hot and sort of overbearing mum drops him off

Wears some cool shirts, ripped jeans, the good students’ enemy, good old platform boots

The kind of guy, I personally, would never talk to

Looks mean

Acts mean 

But isn't actually mean, he's just awkward, you saw him giggle at one of your best friend's jokes from your peripheral vision

Makes sipping Mountain dew look like it’s something fancy

Acts like a casino owner sorry my people I don’t make the rules

Brags about his vacation in Phuket, Thailand 🙄🙄

I wanna throw my mango juice at him

Hangs out EXCLUSIVELY with his tight knit group of friends

Acts like the others are lints

Can have fun when he wants to

Which is only when the music plays

Busts some elegant moves, small steps and all

Makes it all look like he’s at a pub, enjoying a drink and all that rich kid jazz

literally just lady-killing

IT’S THE VIBES I WILL NOT ELABORATE

Unless you're friends or close with any of his friends, the chances of him treating you like a lint is high, not in a bad way!!!! He just won't reciprocate your presence lol

If you happen to be the kid of his dad's friend (istg I am totally NOT projecting rn), he'll be kind enough to spare you a glance and probably ask you why you were riding your bike down the lake without parental supervision or something

100/100 the kind of guy at least one of your friends will have a crush on and bug you about it for the rest of the semester

Is actually shy around girls but his pride won't let him admit that lol

He acts so awkwardly mean I would be best friends with him if I had the patience and motivation to reach out first

SIM JAKE

The friendly childhood friend who is literally too fixated on being taller than you

Another oddly specific dude

But yes

His parents are like- super rich but he chooses to be the biggest himbo

Comes to the party alone, goes home with his friends lol

No but he is so popular with girls it’s crazy

Maybe because he’s the nicest guy ever

Is respectful *cough* and helps you with physics

But he has ONE flaw

And that’s being a childhood friend you probably even forgot about until now

Physics Tutions caused a long awaited reunion of friends and he’s sadly one of them

Will definitely follow you around like a pup until you pay attention to him

Would literally float to wherever the fuck you have been standing with your friends

Yell your name from across the room 

And of course, heads will turn and this bitch will still be as clueless and continue to wave

Trust me, this makes you want to drown in the drink you were probably holding

He will barge into your group and ask “Remember me :D”

LIKE TF I DO

And then he continues to tell your friends how he used to be shorter than you in kindergarten and all through elementary

Spoiler, they know what happens at the end but here we go I guess

He is now a good few inches taller

And THIS BITCH IS LITERALLY SO HAPPY ABOUT IT HELP

His friends tease him about it way too much

I need a Jake ;-;

PARK SUNGHOON

Doesn’t want to be here pt. 1

A dude so pretty that even the parents knows about him

The sole reason as to why he attends is that his friends made him pay for his share of food pt.1

100/100 Missionary All Boys school vibes I will not elaborate

Famous jock who's probably played national preliminaries 

Looks like he’s got something up his ass constantly, too poised and awkward

Wears the same jacket and a pair of washed blue jeans and black Converse highs (not even original) to every single party

The only thing that changes is the colour of the button up shirt he wears underneath. Still very hard to ever even notice because it just alternates between white, beige and black lol

Always wears his dear lil apple watch

Soft spoken, and you will NEVER hear him speak more than 10 words at a time

Looks like he’s gonna pass out the moment a girl tries to talk to him

Not with people he isn't familiar with, at least

Sticks to the cheddar cheese flavoured Pringles and bottled water

Acts like he doesn't know any of his friends if they do something (read: anything)

Just wants to go home but his friends won't let him

Idk why but he strikes me as a person who secretly judges every single person in the room and secretly laughs when someone trips or makes a mishap when dancing 💔🚶‍♀️

You are BOUND to find him sunk into a couch, away from the dance floor after being forced to sway his body a lil

Gets all red and nervous when you try to start a convo

Too awkward hi mum I love him

But hellooo? Ask him about his Missionary school. He won't ever shut up.

KIM SUNOO

The nicest guy

Co-ed schoolboy vibes

Instagram famous OML

He takes pretty photos

And he is so nice :(((

Sunoo I think casually, is actually the only one (except for Jay) who puts some thoughts into dressing himself 

I can literally picture him in these pretty peach/beige/baby blue coloured t-shirts or half-sleeved cotton button ups with small prints or embroidered flowers

I just think he's the neatest and has the most cohesive sense of fashion

The kind to literally fly around the whole place, strike up convos with anyone in sight

A true sweetheart (and saviour) if you're as sulky as me, sitting in a corner because your friends ditched you for a dance 

Yeah because he'll pad pad his way towards you, take a seat, stay silent for about three seconds and ask something like "Not gonna dance?" or "my friends do that too :)</3"

And bam! Before you even know it, you'll be talking to him like he’s your best friend separated at birth

Trust me, he has so much tea

From school scandals, who is dating who to who failed their primary grad prelims secretly, he knows it all

Honestly, it will be really fun to talk to him in general 

I love him pt. 2

The only guy who asks the girls for a dance and enjoys himself very much

YANG JUNGWON

Doesn’t want to be here pt. 2

He just came for the food not even going to lie

Isn't even bothered about his clothing

Wears whatever the Heck he finds first in the closet and a pair of black cargo pants 

You will NEVER see him leave the food counter

But the only time you will find him elsewhere would be when he sees his best friend trying to approach his crush lol

You can see him and the rest of his group walk and laugh exactly half a meter away from them, so not trying to hold their laughs as they hear them attempt to make a proper conversation 

Loves taking pictures of his friends

Mostly cursed ones but at least he takes it for them <33

NISHIMURA RIKI

HE IS SO CUTE I WANNA GIVE HIM HEADPATS

Just here for the dance

And also because he was made to contribute to the budget

That one cute lil dude going through his "I wanna be a cool kid" phase

All black outfits, a lil bit of silver chains and black Air Jordans

Walks around with this grumpy face

But can never keep it bc he is babie

Gets excited when someone tells him his outfit is cool or tells him they know from interschool event and all

Challenges boys from other schools to dance-offs I'M SO SORRY IT HAPPENS IRL TOO

Tell me how he knows ALL those tiktok dance challenges by heart

Famous and too shy

Talking to him would be the funniest because he just CAN'T seem to bring himself to accept compliments with something other than "Thanks....I know?" In the most awkward way lol.

Girls are nuts over him and he's scared lol

Loves the mango juice, thinks the fact that you never get canned Sprite lol

All for candies, even takes some home lol

He appeals to me as the kind of guy, whom you have the biggest urge to baby even though are practically the same age BECAUSE!!! he is so lost and sweet :(((

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

FLORALJAE, 2022

Guns, Glamour, and Goodfellas - Chapter 3

Chapter 3: A Little Party Never Killed Nobody

Dad!Mob!Tom Holland x Mom!Mob!Reader

-Pairings: Tom Holland x reader, Parker Holland x Charlotte Owens

-Warnings: Language, Blood, Death, Fighting

-Words: 3.6K

Author note: I really love this chapter. I love all the comments and would appreciate nice constructive criticism (please don't butcher my work lol) if you want. Feel free to leave in the comments or message me directly your feelings while reading the chapter :))

Chapter 3: A Little Party Never Killed Nobody

Word: 3.6K

“Haz are you okay mate?” Tom asked, seeing Haz freak out, they were about to land at Heathrow, on their way back from Dublin.

“No, I just heard from my neighbor that Henry never came home last night. With everything that happened yesterday, I’m just worried. I hope he is not lying in a ditch somewhere.” Harrison explained.

“He probably crashed at ours, everything will be ok.” You said as you comforted Haz. Oh boy, were you wrong.

Back at home, Parker awoke to his impending death once you and Tom, his parents’, find out what happened to their beautiful mansion. One party did all this damage. The curtains were torn down, there was red party cups everywhere and all the liquor bottles were displayed on the table. One amazingly epic party did all that.

“Bloody hell! That’s it I’m dead. I’m dead. I will never be allowed to leave this house ever again.” Parker said to himself. Picking up his phone he noticed 4 missed calls from you. Each one had a message and if there was one thing he knew about you is that you only left more harsh and frantic voice messages the more you called.

He only played the most recent one, you sounded really peeved “PARKER JACKSON HOLLAND! Please call me, I’m worried about you. I can’t get in touch with the staff either. I will be home in 20 mins, you better have a good fucking explanation for everything.” Parker’s eyes nearly flew out of his head when he saw that was sent 15 mins ago. Any moment now he would hear the Rolls pulling into the driveway.

The poor kid could only move so fast, he quickly gathered the liquor bottles and threw them into a plastic trash bag along with all the red solo cups that seem to be multiplying. All the meanwhile corralling all the squatters, from last night, who crashed there. He found some people by the pool and others passed out in the dining room. Running like a madman through the house, he caught a glimpse of what would be the reason for his demise. The door to Tom’s office was open. He swore to god he locked it, someone must’ve broken in. They could’ve taken anything, all the information about the mob was stored in that one tastefully decorated room. Parker quickly shut the door and hoped nothing would happen, he couldn’t live with himself if this one stupid party cost his family their livelihood.

“Rosie? Henry? Where are you guys? Mum and dad will be home any minute, I need your help.” Parker called out throughout the house. He didn’t expect Rosie to show up because of their fight last night, but where the fuck was Henry.

You and Tom pulled up along with Harrison in the black Rolls Royce, coming to a screeching halt. You all walked along the cobble stone path to the two large, intimidating front doors. You all simultaneously freaked out when you saw the door was ajar. Tom and Haz pulled out their guns and made it a priority to keep you safe by shoving you behind them. You all had no idea what you could be walking into.

Tom whispered to Haz to split up, Haz took the East Wing while Tom checked the main rooms. Rounding the corner he could her footsteps.

“Darling, stay behind me. I don’t want you getting hurt,” Tom whispered and you nodded in response.

“On the count of 3. 1, 2, 3,” Tom screamed as he jumped out, holding his gun straight ahead. He found his son disheveled, carrying grocery bags filled with empty beer cans and liquor bottles.

“DON’T SHOOT! DON’T SHOOT! Holy fuck! Dad is that you?” Parker screamed, dropping the bags to the ground, glass shattering and raising his hand up in innocence. Scared for his life her quickly caught his breath when he realized who it was.

“Parker, what the hell? Why the fuck was the door opened…. wait? Did you have a party!?!” Tom thundered as he realized what his son did. His voice gradually growing more furious. Parker just stood there with a shameful look on his face.

“Mum, dad. How was Dublin?” Parker sneaked to quickly change the subject.

“Don’t try to get out this, explain now!” You scolded, just as furious as Tom

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did it, I just needed to blow off steam.” “What the fuck do you think a sorry is going to do? I run a fucking mob, Parker. Are you a fucking idiot? Parker, for fucks sake, anyone could have stolen some information from my office or gotten into the gun room. What the fuck were you thinking?”

“I’m not that much of a div, I locked your office and I don’t know,” Parker explained.

“You’re not as dumb as I thought. Hope you were smart enough to lock the liquor cellar too,” Tom concluded.

“Yeah…about that,” Parker mumbled as Tom ran off to his liquor room. A loud clash and curse sounded throughout the house when he laid his eyes on his ransacked priceless collection.

“Mum, say something?” Parker pleaded with you as you just stood there in silence.

“2 months. You’re grounded for 2 months. No dates or parties, just school and home. I don’t think you understand how lucky you are that nothing serious happened here.” You said, your voice drenched with disappointment. “I know, I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking about what dad and you asked me and —” Parker whispered as he was soon cut off by Haz walking in.

“Did you find Henry?” Haz interrupted.

“No, I’m going to check upstairs. Will you check on Tom?” Harrison nodded as you ascended the staircase. Making your way through the halls, coming upon Rosie’s room.

“Roo, honey you awake?” You said walking into Rosie’s room

“AHHHH! Oh my fucking god! Rosie!” You screamed at the sight in front of you. Your sweet, slightly bad tempered daughter asleep with a boy in her bed.

“Darling? You alright?” Tom yelled from downstairs after hearing your scream.

“Mum, what are you doing here?” Rosie exclaimed frantically.

“Hi, Y/N.” Henry whispered, praying he wasn’t going to be berated. You were a mother figure to him after his own mother left his father and never looked back. “This is my house and hi Henry. What the fuck is Henry doing here in you bed? What the fuck are you doing here?” You questioned bouncing between the two of them to get some answers.

“I can explain. But, firstly are you gonna tell dad?” Rosie inquired.

“The fact that he is already fuming downstairs, no. Not right now. And please explain, you have 5 seconds, but first you need to get Henry out of here.”

“Thank you mom, I just don’t —.“

“Ehh, eh, eh! Shut it, I’ll deal with you later,” you barked.

“Henry, I suggest you take the window and your dad is looking for you,” you said.

“Shit! Thanks Y/N… I mean Mrs. Holland” Henry said as you shot him a glare.

The moment Henry was in the clear, Tom barged in with his gun in hand. Someone needs to tell this man to put it down. All morning he has been traumatically scarring his kids for life, first with Parker and now Rosie.

“What? Is everyone all right? I heard a scream.” Tom exclaimed out of breath.

“Umm, yeah. I just saw a spider.” You stuttered.

“Oh love, you can kill a man in cold blood but can’t handle an itty bitty spider,” Tom joked as he pressed a chaste kiss to your forehead.

“You're afraid of them too, Thomas.” You quipped with a side eye. If looks could kill, yours definitely would.

“And for you missy, you’re grounded along with your brother.” Tom said, looking down on Rosie. “Me? What did I do?” Rosie asked in a high pitched voice. “You attended this party correct? And since this is also your house, you threw it by association. Am I right?” Tom inquired.

“I guess so,” Rosie huffed.

The twin’s exile was worse than they prepared for. Not only were they responsible for cleaning up the entire mess but they were given a list of chores to complete. This was no ordinary list. It was devised by you and Tom along with inputs from the maids and capos.

On it read:

Wash the Rolls

Clean the guns

Reorganize the pantry

Mow the lawn

Re-order all stolen liquor and stock the liquor room

Drain the pool, clean the pool, fill the pool back up again…

The list was never-ending. Each task more pointless than the next. It went on forever. The household staff was happy for their load was to be lessen for a couple weeks, unlike the kids. Harrison even forced Henry to partake in the chores.

The kids were only a couple days into their quarantine and were already going stir crazy. Parker was having withdrawals from Charlotte, missing her even more. The boy was whipped for her, really smitten. They would talk the night away. Some nights never getting any shut eye as their conversations would prolong hours.

Parker couldn’t believe this was where he was now. One night of unadulterated juvenile fun equated to 2 months of misery. Today was Charlotte’s birthday and he was supposed to take her to the London Eye on a surprise birthday trip, but all his plans were ruined the moment his parents came home and grounded his sorry ass.

“I can’t believe your parents grounded you. Assholes.” Charlotte said over the phone, fuming he couldn’t celebrate with her.

“I can’t go babe. I really wish I could but I’m grounded for life remember.” Parker said, the cold shoulder Tom and you had been giving him was killing him.

“Parker its my birthday. You have to come,” Charlotte pleaded

“There’s no chance in hell I’m allowed to leave.”

“Geez you just threw a party, it’s not like you killed someone,” Charlotte added. He might as well have. If he killed someone he wouldn’t be burdened with this punishment, probably praised instead, carrying on the family tradition.

“Just sneak out. Come on, we are all going to this nightclub downtown. It’s gonna be awesome. And I’m such a good girlfriend, I can’t let you miss it.” Charlotte pleaded.

“Alright, Char you wore me down.”

“I knew it. Pick you up at 11 tonight.”

“Park around the block, I’m going to have to climb out my window. Remember my house is like a fortress.” Parker said. He wasn’t lying.

Meanwhile, Tom was in and out of meetings in his office all day. He received one odd phone call in particular from his dad, Dominic Holland. “Hi dad, how are you” Tom said as he picked up the phone.

“I’m fine son, so how did the talk with Parker go. I’m excited to teach him all my mobster tricks,” Dom exclaimed. “Actually dad, he reacted like I did.”

“Oh well, he will come around just like you did” Dom said encouragingly.

“I don’t know if he will. Anyway it wouldn’t be so bad if he had his own path in life.” Tom murmured trying to stick up for his son’s decision.

“Tom, you know what will happen to this family if that happens,” Dom yelled.

“I know dad. I just don’t want him to feel trapped, like you did to me,” Tom exclaimed growing more annoyed by the minute.

“What I did to you got you to where you are today. Your life is thanks to me son and don’t you forget it,” Dom said with a stern, menacing voice.

“Understood sir,” Tom quipped. “Maybe Parker needs a push, in the right direction.” “Dad, I swear to god, don’t fucking do anything. Y/N and I are handling this” Tom yelled. “We’ll see how that turns out” Dom ended the phone call. Leaving Tom frustrated that his father sees him as his own puppet.

The night soon fell and Parker’s plan had been put into motion. He bribed a few of the Tom’s men with his allowance to let him sneak past. He jumped out the window, carefully walked on the roof as to not slip and make any noise. Finally on the ground, he scaled the iron fence to be met with Charlotte’s ice blue eyes. She was dressed in a pink party dress that hugged her figure perfectly.

“Wow princess, you look *chef’s kiss. Happy birthday baby,” Parker said while making his way back to the ground.

“Thanks doll. Now come on, before someone catches us,” she yelled whilst hopping into her silver Mercedes.

Arriving at the nightclub, everything was in full swing for 11 o’clock at night. Parker, Charlotte and her other friends were treated like royalty the moment Parker let his name slip.

“Right this way Mr. Holland and I will have someone bring you a bottle of champagne, on the house of course,” the hostess said as she sat them at their table.

“Oooo fancy, you should drop your name more often,” Charlotte whispered in Parker’s ear.

“Oh it was nothing, love.” Parker said while pouring himself and Charlotte a glass of bubbly. “Seriously Parker, how’d you do this? If I didn’t know any better I’d say your dad owned the club or something,” Charlotte said dumbfounded, causing Parker to choke on his champagne at her remark.

It was amazing what power could do. Having enough power to make your enemies disappear was unimaginable. Parker knew what turning down his father meant. He would have the name and the look of a Holland, but he wouldn’t be one anymore.

How could he give all that up. He enjoyed his cushy lifestyle. Sure it was day after day of worrying about your image but, he felt as though he belonged in that world. How could he go on being a kid for two more years knowing there was a metaphorical expiration date on his life.

He desperately wanted to want to be like them, his family. You, his mother, are the strongest person he knows. Having you in his life keeps him grounded, literally at the moment. Also his dad, Tom is a very loving and amazing father. He was there at all the football games (English football) cheering him on and at the spelling bees, also when he felt his first heartbreak, Tom was there.

Family has been the one constant in his life. Now it was being eclipsed by power, a power that could ruin lives or affect change. Turning his back on his family means they would never get see his future.

No one would be there at his graduation from college or when he first child was born, only Charlotte would be there. The girl he hoped to marry and have his kids. He couldn’t give up his future with her, no way. Parker eyes glanced at her, mesmerized by her beauty. He thought to himself, “This was it. This, she is all I’ll ever need, my princess.”

Most of Parker’s pet names for Charlotte were derived from Tom. He had heard his dad refer to his mother as: princess, queen, doll, darling, love. The list goes on. As long as Parker had his princess he knew he would be ok.

They danced the night away. Song after song. Feeling like the only two people in the room. Getting more drunk as the night progressed and other guests started to fizzle out. Leaving Charlotte and Parker alone on the dance floor.

“Char, I think it’s about time we head home. We are the only people left,”

Parker chuckled.

“Just two more songs please,” she muttered with her head nuzzled by his neck.

“It’s two hours til sunrise!” Parker exclaimed.

“Just a little while longer, I don’t want this moment to end.” “Me neither baby, I want to stay in your arms forever” Parker said. In a moment of love, coupled with champagne and a few tequila shots, Parker whispered, “We should get married.”

“What? Are you serious? Do you mean now or in like 5 years?” Charlotte asked as her voice slowly diminished

“Umm… yes and now. I love you,” Parker murmured. “YES! I will marry you!” Charlotte exclaimed pulling her boyfriend into a deep, passionate kiss. Parker’s dream was coming true and all he had to do was leave his family.

Just then a group of tall, stocky men, all dressed in black, funneled through the door of the club. They didn’t bother with sitting down, they just stood there blocking the only exit.

One of the men spoke up, “Parker Holland? I have a message for you.”

“Can’t it wait til morning, just tell him I’m sorry and he can ground me even longer,” Parker replied thinking the message was from Tom.

“It’s not that kind of message,” all the noise drifted away as the other man drew his gun. Both Charlotte and Parker grew tense at the sight of his pistol.

“Charlotte, get behind me,” Parker whispered, scared for both their lives.

“Boy, it’s not from your daddy,” said the leader of the men. “Do you know who my father is? He will have all of your heads if you so as much lay a finger on me,” Parker responded

“So the girl is up for grabs?” “Charlotte, RUN!” Parker Screamed

“Eh, not so fast. I’m going to enjoy this one.” The guy said, seizing Charlotte in his grip and motioning for this associates to grab Parker. Two arms holding Parker back from protecting Charlotte.

“LET GO OF ME! CHARLOTTE!”

“Why you hanging out this rift raft? I’m sorry but he needs to atone for his mistakes.” “Parker..” Charlotte whimpered.

“Such a pretty girl and such a waste” the man snickered as he pressed the gun into her abdomen. Tears slipped down her face as she felt the cool metal against her.

BANG

It was the shot heard round the room. Everything stood quiet as Charlotte collapsed to the floor. The leader of the men shouted he need a drink. “NOOOOO! ” Parker screamed as he was let go and raced to Charlotte’s side

“Hey, hey, baby look at me. Look at me,” Parker said as tears flooded down his face.

“I’m sorry, we should’ve left.” Charlotte whispered with labored breaths while blood poured out of her wound. “Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Parker cried while rubbing his thumb on her cheek. Blood pooled around them and he could only be focused on one thing, the love of his life dying in his arms. “Parker, it hurts so much,” Charlotte cried. The pain was mind-numbing. Threatening the life inside her.

“I know, love. Just keep your eyes on me love, keep’em open”

“I’m so tired Parker… I want my last words to you to be I love you. I love you ok? So much.” she whispered, then broke into a coughing fit. Blood filling her mouth and running down her chin, scaring Parker.

“Don’t, don’t fucking start that now you, hear me. You’re gonna be fine, we’re gonna get married and have kids and grow old together,” Parker exclaimed as her eyes threatened to shut.

“You said yes, Char. You have to be okay. You said yes. I asked you to marry me and you said yes.” Parker cried as tears refused to stop coming. Charlotte’s eyes growing more and more to a close.

“Please, don’t leave me baby. Charlotte don’t leave me. Don’t fucking close your eyes. You hear me. Don’t.” And with that, the hand Parker held so close to his heart was limp. Her eyes had closed and heart stopped beating. She was gone.

“No! No, no no, hey hey hey, come on, come on baby stay with me. Stay with me please.”

“Wake up, darling. Please. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Just come back to me baby. , I need you,” Parker whimpered. He burst into a fit of sobs and hugged her close to his body, not wanting to let her go because then it all became real.

The woman who changed his life, no longer walked this earth. The love of his life was gone. All the bubbling life inside of her, vanished like it had never existed in the first place. Parker’s demeanor flipped like a switch. His sadness became infused with anger, he was out for blood.

“You bastards! Why did you do that? She had nothing to do with this?” Parker thundered as blood coated his knuckles. “I’m sorry kid, but it had to be done” The leader spoke.

In a fit of rage, Parker grabbed the empty champagne bottle and smashed it over one of the guy’s heads, knocking the muscular guy unconscious.

“Big mistake, kid. Thought you were smarter than that.” The leader said as he stood in front of Parker and delivered him a swift punch to the jaw, flooring Parker.

“She really wasn’t enough of a message? Want her death to be in vain?” He spat as he kicked Parker in the stomach.

Several kicks followed, two more to the stomach, one to the groin and one final blow to the head, demobilizing Parker. He laid on the ground coughing up blood, trying to gather enough strength to get home.

He looked once more over to the girl he had loved, lifeless with a whole in stomach, knowing if it weren’t for him she would still be alive. Charlotte was the only thing on his mind as he succumbed to all the pain and everything faded to darkness.

Guns, Glamour, and Goodfellas Series Masterlist

Taglist: @thenoddingbunny-blog @adriannauni @dummiesshort

Top Surgery Recovery

So I had top surgery on the 11th May and its now the 14th May. Recovery has been a bit harder than I initially thought it would be. 

I am quite a sedentary person so sitting and laying down for long periods of time and keeping myself entertained is nothing new to me. Plus I also had a lot of things that I was worried about alleviated by my surgeon. For instance I did not have drains put in and I have waterproof plasters (which have been a godsend, my morning shower is the highlight of the day) So I didnt have to worry about not washing, potential infection risks, full chest plasters that become very itchy, skin rashes etc PLUS I opted for no nipples so I didnt have to worry about that (I want to be covered in tattoos anyway so it made no difference to me about having nips or not) I was already on a high protein diet before hand so I havent had to make any new food choices (I’m autistic so changes in food is a big anxiety inducer for me) I have been taking arnica + the food I eat is also high in fibre. Basically I thought I prepped for everything and tried to make this as smooth of a recovery as possible.  

So yeah lol what I am trying to say is no matter how much you think you have prepared, you don’t know how shit is going to work on you.

Heres a little list of the things that I am struggling with.  

Brain Fuzz. I had no idea how fuzzy my brain would be after surgery DAYS later. I find it really hard to focus on anything and as I am spending a lot of time sitting or laying down (except when I have to do my stretches and general pottering around) Its really easy for me to get frustrated and bored because my brain can’t focus. So I am really just sitting there day dreaming or dissociating. 

The fucking BINDERS. As someone with sensory issues, I could never bind fully, it would instantly give me an anxiety attack to have that much pressure on my chest. I could just about tolerate sports bras so I was worried about having to wear them for 6 weeks constantly post op. But I just told myself its something that I have to do and its only temporary. I hate it.   

Posture. Because of my binder my posture is terrible and I have so many knots in my back because of it.

Sleeping upright. I get sleep paralysis when I sleep on my back so theres also that I have to deal with for the next however many weeks until I can comfortable lay on my side. NOT FUN.

Pain. The pain isnt so bad, I have had my chest tattooed and I would say that its quite comparable to that. Just a little more bruise pain than burning CANT MOVE or my scabs will rip apart pain. It feels a lot more secure because of the type of bandages that I have. I have surprisingly good range of motion with my arms. But I would say bruise pain is more exhausting than that burning pain. plus the pain from my poor posture and sleeping upright. its just ahhh tolerable but frustrating.  

Weird chest tingles. It feels like theres fizzy bubbles under my skin going up and down my chest. Its a very odd sensation that I wasn't prepared for.

How weird and bloated my belly looks. I cant look in the mirror yet without freaking out about my belly. It looks so swollen and out of proportion. So I can’t  enjoy looking at my results yet without freaking out about that. 

Peeing a lot and trying to get comfortable, that is really frustrating. Being super tired, not being able to get comfortable and then getting just comfortable enough to doze off, only to need to go for a pee because you were told to drink lots of water to help with recovery. Then starting that whole cycle again. Very frustrating.

Feelings. Its very easy to feel really low when you’re hurting. I don’t regret my surgery at all. I keep reminding myself how I felt about my body pre-op and how long I have wanted this, how I am gonna feel when I have my final results etc. But its very hard to feel great about it when you’re this low. I know I will feel differently when I feel more like myself but it is damn hard to keep positive. I’m feeling very sorry for myself that I have to put it through this much stress in order to be happy. 

HELP. My mum is taking care of me, but... yeah its not great. The majority of things I do by myself. so far she has cooked me a couple of meals and helped me get undressed for my first shower. Everything else I have done myself. The first hour I was home I was left alone in the house with my bedroom door open and our large dog jumped onto my chest while I was asleep. No one was there to help me, and then later that night when I had literally just gotten my appetite back (I threw up so much post surgery) I asked for food and had to wait for ages for my mum to fill out one of our foster placements housing benefit forms for them ( something they could of done themselves and deffo something my mum could of gone back to after helping me out) And then when it came to the evening, they went to bed super early and really laid it on thick that she was exhausted so obviously I felt absolutely awful asking for help with my bedtime routine etc. So not only did I have to do everything for myself, I also had to sort the kids out and the pets out.  So yeah Day 1 of recovery at home didnt exactly set me up to feeling safe and taken care of so I have felt the pressure of taking care of myself. Things since then havent been great either so thats another thing I am struggling with. I feel like an asshole complaining about it but we prepared for all of this and it feels like so may careless mistakes are being made, promises arent being kept and I dont want to be the asshole that calls it out. I am very vulnerable right now and I feel really let down. I don’t feel like a priority which I was assured I was before the surgery. Which also ties into my low mood and feelings.   

So yeah, Long Post but I hope it can help prepare anyone else going for top surgery. 

Things should only really get better from here, the first 3-5 days are suppose to be the worst so I am told so lets fucking hope because this sucks sooo much. 

Seth/Magnus E!

Ooh thank you!! This is a new pairing for me and I am 👀👀 to take a stab (...see what I did there; I'm so sorry) at it!

E: Enemies to Friends to Lovers

It isn't that Seth has any hatred for Magnus out of how his actions have effected Pickles. No, he doesn't give a shit about that, it's just that as soon as he meets Magnus, recovering in a hospital post-Doomstar? (because there's a whole thing of Toki wanting to see Magnus rehabilitated even as everyone else goes He Literally Tortured You and Held You Captive Are You Serious??!!!??, and it's decided that once Magnus is well enough, he'll start said therapy, rehab, etc. with the Dethklok Australia branch to keep him away from the lads until everyone is ready for that huge step.)

He HATES him. Like, looks at him and first thought is 'what a dick.' He doesn't care to tear that apart more though, even as he complains to poor Amber about it.

"So...you're into him. That's why you hate him right now." And she doesn't even have to look up from her phone to tell him that. She has all the drunk girl in a bathroom wisdom, without needing to be drunk.

He doesn't believe her. What utter bullshit, right?

And Magnus thinks little of Seth. Nepotism is what got him his job, what a dick! What good does he even bring to the job? None that Magnus can see.

"So... you're like, into my husband. You can have him, if you want," says Amber as she texts Abigail. They have been dating on the side for nearly a year. Seth still has not noticed, despite the monthly trips Abigail has made out to the Australian branch, where she did in fact sleep with Amber the entire time.

Magnus is disgusted. Him, into Seth? Fuck anyone who would suggest it!

They hit the year mark of Magnus being a technical Dethklok Australia employee/ward of the branch and uh. Well.

Him and Seth spend the weekends together now. They... actually hang out. They have fun. Turns out they both like the same shows, same stupid board games, same comedians, and whatever they don't both like, they don't despise so much that they won't endure it for their...

Fuck. Their friend.

"Are you guys ever gonna fuck?" Amber asks as she shows off the baby to Abigail via Skype. Abigail has proposed, and once things are formally ended with Seth, can't wait to adopt the baby and be a mum with Amber. She'll be the working mum, yeah, but she's ready to settle down. Amber will be the stay at home mum, and on weekends they'll get plenty of time together, watching the little one grow up.

Seth and Magnus, sobbing together on the couch over their favourite (and secret) romantic drama from the 40s playing on the huge TV, are too busy with themselves to answer.

"They're gonna be together forever!" They sniffle and cry in one voice.

"Oh my fucking gooooddddd," replies Amber, who has had the divorce paperwork ready for over three months now.

Seth signs the papers and the divorce goes on without a peep from him, not even at the page that says he'll agree to two visits a year with the baby, and to let Abigail adopt the baby ASAP, making Amber and Abigail the main parents.

Is he sure of what he signed? Not clear, but either way, he doesn't care about it. Amber moves out to be with a thrilled Abigail, and Magnus moves in.

Because friends wouldn't let friends be alone during a huge life change like this, right?

"For your own sake, just fuck him already. And like, ya know...date and shit. You'll both be happier once you do." Amber says before she leaves and washes her hands of their slow burn nonsense.

They spend the nights together. They cook together. Go to movies together. Make a chore chart that's followed surprisingly rigidly. Grocery shop together. Maybe jack off a few nights together.

Like friends!

Until all of a sudden it hits Magnus that oh god

Oh no oh FUCK no

He wants More. He doesn't just like this little twerp, he loves him. This is his little twerp, and he wants to spend all his time making him happy.

His therapist, already thrilled with his progress and his getting over his need for revenge, is over the moon for him. Asks when he's going to make it a formal thing.

He doesn't know. Because how can he possibly tell if Seth feels the same?!

(he could, ya know, ask him. But he won't, not yet.)

It clicks for Seth a few weeks later, when he sells his wedding ring from his marriage to Amber. He...misses wearing a ring. And there's only one person he could ever think of now to wear a ring for, who technically has the guest room but sleeps most nights with Seth, who lets Seth play with his long curled hair, who falls asleep on Seth with a smile on his face during their movie nights at home-

Oh no. Oh shit oh Fuck No. He can't ask Magnus for more, there's no way to say if he wants more, or sees him as anything more than a friend.

(in the movie version of this fic, Two of Hearts has started playing on the soundtrack.)

Finally, a month later, they Break. It's a fantastically furious night of passionate and long held back kisses (and more lol.)

Amber texts them both after getting panicked 'oh god what if he really doesn't like me this much and this is just a one night stand?!' separate texts from them:

'congrats on the sex. Took u 2 long enough lol 😘. Abi and I will send u Something cool for ur wedding, just give us a date.'

And about a year later, she sends them a Dethklok Blend Your Enemies Into Blood Deluxe Grade Blender a few days before the actual ceremony. She'd attend, but she's pregnant with what will be her second, and her and Abi's first baby together (Charles is the willing but not overly enthusiastic sperm donor. It's just a weird part of his job as far as he's concerned, and he is dating Amber's ex-brother-in-law, so...he feels like he should.)

They wear matching suits. Magnus happily lets Seth braid his hair for the wedding. Seth rents them a gorgeous spot on the beach for their week-long honeymoon.

It's the happiest either of them has ever been, and to think it all started with both of them glaring at each other in a hospital room.

Janis & Grace

Janis: what are you up to rn Grace: UM why? Janis: 'cos we can't find Cass and can't take the kid on the decent rides, will you just stand with him for a minute Grace: oh Grace: yeah sure Janis: cheers Janis: give you some cash, he likes the easy shit Grace: OMG don't even mention it Grace: or like worry about it cos I'm not trying to break a nail rn Janis: you've gotta entertain him somehow Grace: Duh Grace: but that's not with waltzers and rollercoasters babes Janis: I've just said he can't come with Janis: we're talking coconut shy level, Grace Grace: & I'm saying I know what I'm doing Janis: well don't fuck it up please Janis: call if he gets too worked up he's shy Grace: obvs! just go Janis: it's serious Janis: and you haven't said where you are Grace: I'm being serious Grace: I'll meet you at the sweet stand Janis: 👍 Grace: 👌👌👌 Grace: [shows up with a very unimpressed lad in tow] Janis: [just such a withering look like who the fuck are you] Grace: [does not intro him and is just intro-ing herself to Bobby and it's cute] Janis: [just in the background letting Jimmy do what he need to do but lowkey trying to walk away like bye] Grace: [it's fine girl we know Grace has got this] Janis: [ahh when you can't stand to be around her for literally five seconds] Grace: [me when Trace is on one] Janis: [go have fun] Grace: is he allowed any more 🍬🍩🍭??? Grace: he says he's had NONE but I know when a boy is feeding me a line 😂 Janis: try and make him have a hot dog or some chips first Janis: if not he'll be 🤢 Grace: me too tbh Janis: such a good influence, like Grace: I'm sorry that my date is a feeder or something 😱😱😱 Grace: does not take no for an answer Janis: bodes well Grace: UGH IKR 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: he's in a mood cos I got 💋 on him earlier like ?? excuse me Grace: I don't have my own makeup line yet, boy Janis: it is grim when you've used a cup Janis: like a crime scene Grace: OMG don't be on his side! Grace: he wouldn't be complaining if it was anywhere but his face Janis: behave Janis: shits probably harder to wash off that herpes Grace: EW Janis: you said it Grace: I literally did not Janis: you did Janis: don't need to hear about you lipsing anyone Grace: Okay hun that makes no sense Grace: if it had staying power it wouldn't have transferred and he wouldn't be 😣😣😣 Grace: & I wouldn't have to go hard on 🍬🍩🍭 to show him my chill vibe or whatever Grace: so #notlikeothergirls & so annoying Janis: what's any of that got to do with me Grace: 🙄🙄 Janis: you talk for the sake of it Janis: talk to your shit date, not me Grace: sure Grace: laters, babes Janis: 👍 Grace: 👋 Janis: [later than you were probably expecting, like] Janis: k where are you Grace: bumper cars Grace: there's a line but we're basically at the front of it now 🙏🙏 Janis: cool we'll jump it Grace: you can take my place, these are NOT driving shoes Janis: babe, you just steer Grace: really!?? Janis: yes 😂 Janis: how do you not know that Grace: Oh thank god! Grace: idk I've never been on them Janis: how is that possible Janis: maybe you should go in with your lad, let Jim take Bobs Grace: Before this date I haven't been to the fair since I was younger than Bobby so Grace: Oh please, he's long gone Grace: Your boy can if he wants to though, that'd be cute Janis: sure, too many sights and smells, can't control her gag reflex when she's abused it that hard Janis: oh, soz Grace: 🙄🙄 not everything I do is with Mia, thank you Grace: & no you're not, babes Janis: pretty much since you were a bit older than him, maybe Janis: well not really but can't blame him Janis: didn't reckon on you bringing a child so Grace: do you see her rn? obvs not Grace: 🤷🤷 if he wants to say that's the reason Janis: can't really bring your missus on a date Janis: got to have some boundaries Grace: can you STOP Janis: what Janis: I said soz, make Jimmy buy you a drink or something Grace: I don't want a drink Grace: I'm gonna have to work out tomorrow Janis: well can you not just take it Janis: you don't need paying but he'll wanna do something so Grace: He knows my coffee order Grace: I'll make time to go Janis: k good Grace: He's a cute kid, I don't even need anything Janis: that just makes you sound like a child snatcher so keep that hush Grace: you're ridiculous Janis: am i Grace: Duh Janis: 👌 Grace: Whatever, I've said my goodbyes so 👋 too Janis: cheers Janis: later Grace: Any message for mum and dad? Janis: lol that's a good idea Grace: I obvs meant about where you'll be or when you'll be back Grace: but 👌👌👌 Janis: that's even stupider then, ain't it Grace: mhmm Grace: my bad, hun Janis: don't mention it Janis: not the easiest mistake to make but 🤷🤷 Grace: 🤷🤷🤷🤷 Grace: I'm so over it Grace: you too, I'm sure Janis: if they're still acting like they don't have answers to either of those questions, I can imagine Janis: could always repurpose my message for yourself Grace: if I wasn't going straight home but tragically Janis: what difference does that make Janis: can still tell them to fuck off Grace: not before dad picks me up thanks Grace: it's not like that boy will be doing a U turn now I'm Bobby free Janis: lol no way he was 17 Janis: looked 12 Janis: and he still would, he's a fucking pushover Grace: he's 19 Janis: so a nonce Janis: cool Grace: You're literally OBSESSED Grace: first I'm a child snatcher then he is Janis: that's literally the definition Janis: you're a child, he ain't, what do you want me to do Janis: didn't work anyways and even if it did, no one's throwing 😍 at it Grace: If you wanna report him, go off Janis: yeah I'll ruin some sad cunts life 'cos you're out here trying to prove something Grace: ???????!!!!!!! Grace: he asked me out, I agreed, it's not a big deal Janis: mhmm Janis: swear guv Grace: OMG SHUT UP Janis: sort it out for fuck's sake Grace: I didn't know he was that old! You literally just said yourself he doesn't look it Janis: don't incriminate yourself Janis: not illegal but just as weird if you're tryna fuck 12 year olds Grace: gross Janis: you said it Grace: No Janis: definitely did Grace: Leave me alone Janis: ooh alright Janis: touchy Grace: OMG why can't you ever stop? Janis: pot kettle Janis: why are you being so sensitive Grace: Why are you still talking to me? Janis: 'cos what's wrong with you Grace: yeah cos I'm gonna tell you Janis: why do you care Janis: you got what you wanted from him anyway Grace: What does that even mean? Grace: you have no idea what I want or wanted Janis: you wish Grace: obvs you do, but I really don't Grace: I'm wishing you'd go away thanks Janis: yeah, can't you tell how much I wanted to see you Janis: good catch up babes Grace: 😂😂😂 Janis: about right Grace: sure Grace: see you at school, like Grace: Spanish is first lesson back Janis: maybe Grace: 💔 Janis: isn't it just Grace: next time you steal a car is fine too Janis: next time it won't be nans so 🤞 no Grace: just don't look up my bad date, his wouldn't get you a mile out of Dublin Janis: got standards, darling Grace: I know, babes Grace: everybody does Grace: You can only wish for secrets Janis: can give the daily vlog a miss then Janis: phew Janis: love it when they put the work in for me Grace: mine's postponed cos I don't film little kids but there's plenty of other content THANK GOD Janis: 💔 should've thought of that before agreeing to go out with one really Janis: not very committed Janis: I'll 🙌 to that Grace: 👌👌👌 Janis: n'awh Janis: say hi to the gals from me Grace: I'd love to but there's been a disconnect Grace: I'll say it to my ex instead, he just got here Janis: less impressive than the 19 year old Janis: forgetting your audience Janis: they'll probably go for it though THANK GOD 👍 Grace: You're forgetting I only need a ride Janis: that's low, man Grace: If you wanna console him, he'll be free later Janis: you know something's gonna happen to you one day yeah Grace: I know you've got your 🤞 Janis: get a grip Grace: obvs the plan Grace: I'll make sure he's parked first tho, wouldn't wanna cause a crash Janis: unlikely Grace: not really Janis: if anyone bought you were a decent ride you wouldn't have to rely on your ex Grace: if I wasn't he wouldn't be back Janis: he's back 'cos your price is a ride Janis: you know it's not even a fiver in petrol Janis: literally the eastern euro girls on the street aren't as cheap Grace: wow Grace: so judgemental Janis: you're dirty Janis: it's disgusting, judgment from me is the least of your worries Grace: Yeah it honestly is Grace: & I'm sure you have better things to do so Janis: yeah talking to mum and dad for a start Grace: cute Grace: say hey from me Janis: you reckon I won't Janis: got no loyalty to you Janis: be more than a hey if they can manage to do even a semi-competent job Grace: I don't care if you do or whatever else you do Janis: Don't need you to Janis: be out of your hands, like Grace: sure Grace: they'll really show up for whatever slut intervention you think is about to happen Janis: you don't reckon Janis: you're delusional if you don't Grace: you are Grace: where's it been, babes? Janis: you're putting yourself in danger Grace: Me and how many of the rest of us Janis: you're stupid, Rio at least has some brains Janis: marginally more self-esteem Janis: born victim, you, trust me, they're gonna get on board Grace: nobody's more devastated than me that I'm not more like Rio, obvs Grace: except maybe dad Grace: 💔 there's not 10 of her Janis: no one cares what he wants Janis: irrelevant beyond being a sperm donor Janis: enjoy your chat 💕 Grace: 💜💜💜 Janis: 😂 Grace: it will be amusing if it happens Grace: I'll keep you a front row seat, hun Janis: don't worry Janis: buzzin' I care, so far in my DMs Janis: must be gutting when you're the only one that does and you get no recognition for it Grace: 😭😭🙄🙄 Janis: that's alright, sure your ex will take you back and console you Janis: epic shag and all around winner that he sees you as 😍 Grace: if he won't, I'll try one of the others Janis: always the shameful hookup when you've run out of lotion, never the girlfriend Grace: mhmm Janis: love that for you Janis: just get her in to help you with your prices Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: she is good at maths Janis: is she Grace: oh of course she's never helped you with your homework Grace: my bad again, babes Janis: not what she's remembered for is it Janis: being the whore who married her cousin is really all that comes to mind but that's almost sweet Janis: pop it in the eulogy, lovely Grace: if you'll excuse me, I have to make some conversation with this boy Grace: such a good chat tho Janis: not what he's paying for Janis: so don't worry about not being a decent conversationalist Grace: tragically telling him that wouldn't get me where I wanna go so Janis: the tragic thing is you think you're too good for the bus when you're literally selling yourself Janis: wonder how many times this one told you you talk too much? 🤔 Grace: Oh please Grace: & I'm the extra one Grace: everything's a drama tonight, hun Janis: don't act as if you don't understand Janis: he would only pick you up so you blow him Janis: you aren't friends, they don't care about you or even respect you Janis: it's as simple as that Janis: and you're not even trying to get out, you're going home, half an hour away Janis: it's actually the saddest thing I've ever heard Grace: not anymore obvs Grace: why would I go home for the lecture? Janis: because you've got no balls and nowhere to go Janis: fucking hell I hope they pay for a decent shrink, seriously Grace: Thanks to you I've got nowhere to go Janis: go home Janis: sort yourself out Grace: I'll take the party he's offering but thanks again Janis: that's right Janis: get off your face then it ain't your fault Grace: It'll be my fault but I won't care Grace: you always tell me not to so congrats, finally taking that advice Janis: you'll be crying on a stranger's bathroom floor within the hour Janis: you ain't built for it, so tah for the guilt trip but i ain't biting Grace: I love that you've given me that long tbh Janis: got to earn his time and attention and petrol first Grace: Oh honey, I could do that crying Janis: wanna turn your phone off Janis: they'll be out looking now Grace: I would but if it's not on my snap it didn't happen, don't need to tell you tho Janis: your locations on Janis: they aren't that thick Grace: What do you care? You want them to find me Janis: you mean you do Janis: christ Grace: You think you know everything about me Grace: where does the delusion even come from? Janis: you think no one does Janis: let's unpack that one Grace: no-one does know everything Grace: they can't Janis: someone needs to take your netflix away too whilst they're at it Janis: fucking hell Janis: we aren't 13, even then that shit was embarrassing Janis: now it's well Janis: get yourself on the corner with your bessies level Grace: Whatever Janis: you really thought that was a revelation Janis: put it as your next caption, get those kids clicking ❤ Grace: 👌👌👌 Janis: this is what comes of letting stoners breed, jesus Janis: experiment over Grace: we all wish it was Grace: at least they've stopped now Janis: no need to wish Grace: not gonna jump out of this moving car, however much you'd love that Janis: i know Janis: no balls Grace: 💔 Janis: answer your phone yeah Grace: As if Janis: for fuck's sake, Grace Grace: I don't need to hear mum chatting to me like I'm Carly or Edie Grace: or dad telling me that he still loves me Janis: well then, think that it's not about what you need, I don't care Janis: just do it Grace: I literally just said no Janis: I literally don't care Grace: So get out of my inbox Janis: answer your phone and I will Grace: I'd actually rather kms than answer that phone call in front of this boy Grace: it's not happening, go away Janis: no Janis: answer the phone Grace: no Janis: do it Janis: stop being selfish Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: coming from you Janis: and? Grace: it's just hilarious that you think you can make me do anything Janis: 😂😂😂 Janis: answer the phone Grace: no Janis: do it Janis: he doesn't like you anyway so don't act like that's an excuse Grace: It's not about him Grace: he answered the fastest Janis: then talk to mum and dad Grace: I've nothing to say & like I said I don't wanna hear what they are going to Grace: no thanks Janis: No one cares Janis: pick up the phone and get it over with then Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: exactly Grace: I'll do it when I'm drunk obvs, there'll be no stopping me then Janis: why not now Grace: I'm busy, like Janis: no you ain't Grace: excuse you Grace: the fact this makeup has no staying power was literally the opener of this convo Janis: and what Grace: & he'd kick me out of the car if he saw me without any Grace: duh Janis: again Janis: so Janis: that's the point Grace: your point, babes Grace: mine was that I wanna be here Janis: no, yours was you need a lift Janis: which you don't now so get out Grace: no, it was that I don't wanna go home thanks Janis: no one does but you have to Grace: Why do I? Grace: I literally don't Janis: yeah you do, you aren't being safe or smart Grace: &? Grace: it's been forever since I was either Janis: exactly Janis: so go home Grace: Why now? Janis: its pretty obvious Grace: No Grace: it would've been obvs if someone had said something at my 13th birthday party when I went further than anyone during 7 mins in heaven cos Connor O'Malley said he really liked me and he wanted my birthday to be special for a good reason again Grace: or when I hooked up with his best friend like a week later cos he lied Grace: You don't care, you've never cared Grace: don't tell me what to do now Janis: yeah, your birthday Janis: and you reckon you got it bad it could've been worse if I hadn't bothered saying anything Janis: you think i'm going to pick up your slack and be 2nd to you Janis: for what Grace: OMG you're just like Mia, putting yourself in the centre of everything Grace: I've never thought that or wanted it Grace: 2nd to me!? I'm not that fucking delusional Janis: how dare I remind you its my birthday and all Janis: bullshit, Grace Grace: That wasn't the point Grace: I'm trying to tell you, it's too little, too late Janis: that's it Janis: that's your problem is it Janis: poor you Janis: get a grip, you and every other girl at school Janis: fucking hell, edie died Grace: Get a clue Grace: this is why I can't talk to you Janis: not trying to talk to you Janis: go home Janis: I'm not there Grace: Even Diego's out so like I said, why should or would I? Janis: because you wanna be Grace: You're actually not on the same planet, I s2g Janis: that heart to heart you're trying to have Janis: they're the only ones that'll listen Janis: so go Grace: They won't Janis: bollocks Janis: all they do Grace: You go Grace: do whatever it is you want Grace: I'm good Janis: no you're not Grace: obvs but as good as I can be 🍾🎊 so 👋 Janis: no Janis: I've told you Grace: Go off, I'll mute you when it gets boring Janis: no you won't Grace: ILYSM but even so Janis: you won't so save us both the hassle Grace: you'll be hassled by drunk me, babes Grace: she'll be living her best life Janis: no one believes that Janis: and you think I wasn't bored before this began Janis: difference between us is I do give a shit Grace: of course I don't think that, we OBVS know each other so well Janis: hurry up Grace: 💃💃 Janis: hilarious Janis: don't reckon I won't show up and bring them with either Janis: get your head out your arse and make it easy for yourself before I make it worse Grace: that's your fave thing tho Grace: it'd be so mean Janis: not stopped you before Janis: go on Grace: drunken portuguese is some drinks off but sure dad's waiting by the phone so Janis: can't even remember any so Janis: what do I care, you're talking to them Grace: this is so annoying now Grace: you're putting me off Janis: now Janis: you are slow Janis: come on Grace: shhhhhhhhhhhhh Janis: no Janis: [rings her all the times] Grace: 🙌💜 Janis: picked you up yet Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: they're slow too, hello Grace: I've been saying that this entire time Janis: told them where you are or what Grace: mhmmm just gonna send them the location so they can hang Janis: do it then Grace: I 👏 AM 👏 BUSY Janis: no, you aren't Grace: Oooh this boy says he knows you Grace: very ginger, very aggressive 👋 Janis: okay Janis: that's nice Janis: off you pop Grace: he is not cute, babes Janis: what a tragedy Janis: start dialling or I'm gonna come over Grace: No you're not Grace: you never wanna be where I am Grace: & neither does your actually cute bf Janis: correct Janis: that's not what it's about so do it Grace: Just let me have a night off OMG!!!!!!!!! Grace: you get to do everything you want Janis: so Janis: you aren't me and you don't know what you want Janis: sort it out Grace: yeah okay I'll figure all that out in the AM Janis: no, you won't Janis: we're coming so you can think about it all you like once they're done Grace: STOP Janis: why should I Grace: cos I'm asking you to Grace: cos you're my sister & you don't even love me Janis: so you think you can just say and do all that fucked up shit and I'm not gonna stop you Janis: I don't think so Grace: What do you what me to say or do? Janis: I've been clear, call mum and dad and get them to come get you Grace: & after that?? Grace: Why do you want me to be all alone like?????? Janis: they're going to talk to you, work something out Grace: they're gonna talk at me and we'll all 😭😭 & nothing will be any different literally Grace: not drunk enough for that yet soooooo Janis: try listening yeah Grace: they're the MOST cringe though 😱😱😱 Janis: then you should agree Grace: 😂😂 okay bitch Janis: mhm Janis: they're waiting, like Grace: UGH Janis: yeah Janis: they've said they'll text so I'm not going Grace: What did you say? Janis: why? Grace: cos I wanna know how bad the freakout will be Grace: what did you say about me? Janis: what you said Janis: no need to lie, you gave it all up Grace: so you just told them everything Janis: all the relevant info, yeah Grace: I literally can't go home EVER Janis: yeah you can Grace: How could you do that to me!?? OMG Janis: how could I not Janis: not cosigning on that shit Grace: cos it's none of their business what I do Grace: or yours but at least you're not like OLD Janis: you're their kid, that's literally all their business is Grace: So are you! You don't let them tell you anything Janis: they're still meant to try Janis: and they do Grace: I hate this Janis: good Janis: you're not totally crazy then Grace: can't you come instead? Grace: I'd take Rio over them rn Janis: probably don't Janis: when she have her last kid, probably hormonal Janis: well I ain't got a car and we know how you feel about me stealing one but I can come Grace: IOU 💜 Grace: screenshot that in case I'm more drunk than I think I am Janis: you're always more drunk than you think you are Janis: forget about it, like Grace: me or like everyone? Grace: 🤔🤔🤔 Janis: you, specifically but yeah Janis: most in general Grace: my ex isn't if you wanna fight him Grace: cos you wanna fight most people Janis: which one Grace: this one Grace: oh you mean how many hookups ago duh Janis: i mean name, any other identifiers, even then, unlikely i'll remember Grace: Tyler Grace: he's not white that helps him stand out in my exes line up Grace: hmmm Grace: short and mad about it? Grace: that's his identifier with me but shhh Janis: 😂 Janis: oh right, can recall that one then Grace: he does NOT like you, babes Grace: too tall obvs Janis: 💔 Janis: gutted, obvs Janis: his 👀 are chest height and everything, that I remember Grace: IKR?! Grace: he was so 😣😣😣 cos I had my 👠s on Grace: boy they weren't for you! I'm SORRY Janis: probably gonna wanna steal some shoes if you're coming with me though Grace: ??? Janis: 👟 Janis: you'll be like a  baby 🦒 on ice Grace: are we walking all the way home? Janis: depends Janis: send us your location and I'll see what I can do Grace: [does] Janis: we could walk that Janis: but we can get a bus like 10 minutes from there if you need Grace: Today has been the literal WORST from the moment I agreed to the fair idc Janis: that means no complaints then yeah Grace: can I do them now cos I've been so excited to go out with him since I met him and then FINALLY it comes around & ugh Janis: seemed like a moody prick Grace: boys are such liars Grace: like okay you're nothing like you were that day in town & you're actually 19 & I don't think you even wanna be here Janis: yep Janis: girls too, in fairness Janis: you're just used to that and not trying to fuck 'em so Grace: I just thought he was different, nice or something Grace: like you said I should go out with Janis: yeah well Janis: never said it'd be easy, like Janis: few and far between Grace: I tried really hard Grace: Like REALLY Grace: it's so stupid Janis: ain't your fault he was a twat Grace: I fell for it Grace: nice lads aren't here for me, obvs, I should've known Grace: I literally do know Janis: it ain't that simple Grace: It is though Grace: I'm a bitch Grace: Is Jimmy coming? Janis: don't worry about that right now Janis: nah, he don't need to Grace: Tell him I'm sorry then Janis: bit rude i don't get one Janis: it's fine Grace: I mean for everything Grace: Mia Grace: since he got here Janis: yeah Janis: pretty mental, even for you lot Grace: I told her, I keep telling her Grace: cos I am happy for you, like Janis: alright, I'll tell him Grace: Believe me though Janis: I do Janis: don't be weird, like Grace: you have to cos I love you, okay? Grace: but idk what to do about her Janis: I can handle her Janis: he can too Janis: but she's genuinely just Janis: you know Janis: you need to handle her too, yeah Grace: I don't work with her though Grace: or without Grace: cos she's not talking to me rn & look Janis: bollocks Janis: she would've told you to go for it with that lad Janis: come on Grace: I met him because she was being a bitch about you that day he was over at our house & I made her leave Grace: I wouldn't have gone into town on my own otherwise Janis: you could've met him any time Janis: and it's not about him Janis: you've gotta admit, he's not exactly out of character in your ex line-up Janis: can't think like that Grace: she would've said no & none of this would have happened so Tyler wouldn't have picked me up & mum & dad wouldn't think I'm a sex worker Janis: I didn't tell them you were a sex worker Janis: and she only would've said no 'cos she'd wanna be watching us so that's not like she's looking out for you Janis: not like she's got a sixth sense for dickheads herself Grace: I hate her Grace: I hate my life Janis: yeah Janis: I know Janis: you've got to get rid of her at some point Grace: Why don't you love me? Janis: Grace Janis: it'd just be easier if we didn't Janis: for all of us, you especially Grace: what does that mean???? Janis: it only hurts if you love or care or Janis: whatever Grace: but its not about Edie cos you didn't love me before Grace: & you love him, your boyfriend so Grace: what did I do? Janis: that's not true Janis: I don't know Janis: maybe I can't Grace: but you literally love him Janis: no I don't Grace: It's everywhere, all over everything Grace: I can't be on my phone without seeing it Grace: or in the same room as you Janis: yeah and how many of your exes did you actually love Grace: that's not the same Grace: I don't look at them like that & they'd never look at me like it either Grace: it's so fake, it has to be if I'm in it Janis: I've not known him that long Janis: no one has, like Grace: So? Janis: can't be in love with someone you don't know, right Grace: I know when I've done the wrong thing like IMMEDIATELY Grace: maybe you can still feel something that soon when it's good too idk Grace: not the right person to ask about love Janis: noted, babe Janis: just saying, think lots of people fake it Grace: Yeah Grace: sometimes you have to & sometimes you want to Janis: do you want to? Grace: when? Grace: I fake like everything, babes, you need to hit me with specifics Janis: well that's what I mean Janis: if your ratio is mostly wanting to, then I guess that's alright Janis: but it ain't so Grace: it's like I have to pretend I'm not freaking out whenever a boy touches me but I want to pretend that's not always gonna be a thing Grace: specifics Grace: I have to be friends with Mia but I don't want to Janis: Why do you have to Grace: ??????? Janis: be friends with her Grace: like I said, it's too late Grace: I can't go back and not tell her everything or have her with me for everything Grace: idk how to do things without her anymore Grace: I need her even if I don't like her Janis: 'course you can Janis: look at us, we're blood relatives and we manage Janis: you don't want her fucking up everything you do forever Grace: I'll have her to blame that way though Grace: if it's just me, it's literally me Janis: nah Janis: family album full of people you can blame Janis: easy Janis: swear Grace: she hates you & I wanna hate you, sometimes Grace: so I thought that would be easy Janis: yeah but she also wants to live in my skin so Janis: complicates matters Grace: but like same ?? so Janis: now you see why I didn't wanna come to those sleepovers Grace: fine cos I don't want you there being prettier than me Janis: 😏 yeah right Grace: ugh Janis: you alright Grace: I just didn't wanna cry here, you know? Grace: he'll think it's about him Janis: go outside Grace: I wish screaming I DON'T LOVE YOU BYE actually meant that Grace: instead of making people think I do Janis: screaming anything don't really help your case Janis: try 🤐 Grace: actually can't though, sorry Grace: 💘 or 🤐 Janis: I've got headphones Janis: it's fine Grace: Where's Jimmy's mum? Janis: not coming to pick you up, can tell you that for certain Grace: Is she dead? Janis: Don't know Janis: did Bobby talk about her lots then Grace: He asked me if we've got one Grace: & said that he doesn't Janis: yeah, she pissed off, about the sum of it Janis: don't know if he knows that or what though so Grace: Maybe he was too little Grace: he's so sweet Janis: yeah, pretty cute Grace: like really gentle, little lads are normally so loud & annoying Janis: girls are well worse Janis: especially the ones in this family Grace: duh Grace: you can say I'm most annoying, babes 👑 treat yourself Janis: was talking about the actual children, like but you know Janis: fight a toddler if you need to, babe Grace: Oh so I'm an actual child when a 19 year old lies to me but not when I want a 👑 Grace: so rude Janis: that's life Janis: don't make the law up, soz Grace: 💔 Janis: I'll run for PM when I get a sec Grace: I love that for you Janis: obvs Janis: no 👑 Grace: but you have any food?? Janis: food? Grace: I'm so hungry like all the time 😱😱😱 aren't you? Janis: nah 'cos I eat enough and at the right times Janis: I've passed hundreds of kebabbies and shit, we'll go get something Grace: 🙏🙏🙏🙏 Janis: who's gaff even is this Grace: UM idk Grace: his cousin maybe? Grace: no his uncle Grace: no Janis: don't need the family tree, I get the vibe Janis: are there any other girls from school there like Grace: that's a real no Grace: I would not be here Janis: ugh Grace: if I'm gonna commit suicide I'll do it myself thanks Grace: don't need them or their insta stories Janis: not my main concern Grace: ?? Janis: it'd be better if it was an actual party with school people Janis: not his cousin uncle and co Grace: Why? Janis: because why would he bring you around his older male relatives Janis: what do you have in common with him, never mind them Janis: it's so dangerous, Grace Grace: I didn't know it was gonna be this sketchy Grace: that's not what he said Janis: yeah well boys lie, remember Janis: it's fine, I'm only a few streets away now, apparently Grace: I'm outside so we can just leave, yeah? Grace: it's not gonna be like a thing Janis: nah I well fancy going in there and shouting my head off and all Grace: you know what I mean Janis: if you're outside then yeah, what am I gonna do Grace: I'm sorry Janis: at least you are okay this time Janis: I meant it when I said something's gonna happen though Grace: It won't even I'm so done Janis: alright, well you all say that when you feel like shit Janis: general you that time Grace: he's deleted Janis: 👌 Grace: Like, I'll obvs get new shitty exes but no need to go back here Janis: screenshot that one, yeah? Grace: 💜 Grace: he's not that cute, I was just over all the white boys Grace: no offense Janis: variety is the spice of life Janis: though literally no idea who that ginger you're talking about is Grace: I think he thinks you slept with his gf?? Grace: I set him straight on that, literally Janis: ha gutted i did that Janis: shh Grace: No way you would've, he showed me a pic & you can do so much better, babes Grace: trust Janis: awks Janis: poor ginge Grace: he wouldn't stop shouting at me like excuse me we're not the same person Grace: as if I'm gonna turn around and you're the back of my head Janis: you probably telepathically told me to do it though Janis: know what twins are like Grace: if she was cute, sure Janis: i don't think that helps us sound any less weird Janis: glad you went with a different clapback Grace: there's worse things than homewrecking someone that ugh Grace: but 👌👌 Janis: not taking that one for the team Janis: no matter how much of a cunt he was Janis: soz Grace: fine, wouldn't wanna risk barista boy's 💘 anyway Grace: a bitch but not that bitch Janis: shut up idiot Grace: he's so highkey 😍😍😍 & I think that's nice Janis: shame he ain't coming Janis: be hilarious if you said that to his face Janis: for me anyway Grace: I've seen enough PDA thank you Janis: you were definitely told to leave so Grace: I'm still mad at you btw Grace: & you can't make me leave a coffee shop, bitch Grace: I was mid ☕ Janis: that weren't my idea Grace: idc still 😱😱😱 Janis: your mates shouldn't bitch so loudly, like Grace: 🙄🙄 I know Grace: I'm so over it Janis: seems exhausting Janis: having to give a shit about what everyone else is up to all the time Grace: mhmmmmmm Janis: and just to be bitches Janis: seriously Grace: they're just hung up on you specifically cos every boy they want has asked you out & you said no Grace: boys they can't even get Grace: like it's your fault you're prettier than them Grace: when they have nobody to blame for how petty they are trying to be Grace: it's so boring & ridiculous!!! Janis: should fuck 'em just to really make it worth their rage but Janis: do you do it too, when it ain't me Grace: Ew no don't Grace: &? I know what I am, honey Janis: unlikely, reasons I said no Janis: I mean, it's probably easy to fall into that way of being Janis: like when you left all your shit at CG Grace: Okay no Grace: not talking about that with you ever Janis: why not, I literally had to give you your stuff Janis: we all know what it was Grace: exactly so we don't have to go there Janis: alright Grace: are you here or do I have time to kms? Janis: not trying to embarrass you Janis: and yeah not far Janis: this is just the longest street ever for some reason Grace: you should stop smoking with that boy Janis: please Grace: mhmm please do Janis: we're a long way from you giving anyone lectures Janis: let alone me Grace: it's still gross & you're already way thinner than me Janis: the ulterior motive comes out Janis: don't smoke enough for that, or lung disease, tah Grace: you can get fucked up by his sexy smoke rings, babes Grace: but sure Janis: that's 2nd-hand Janis: it's worse 'cos all the co2 you breathe out Janis: smoking yourself, way safer Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: I'll take it up then Janis: you'd have to get 'em off weird john Janis: no way you ain't getting ID'd Janis: any safety is dashed tbh, wouldn't bother if I were you Grace: excuse you literally have 19 year olds falling at my feet so Grace: well almost Janis: that like underage girls but sure Janis: probably ducked when he realised how virginal you ain't Grace: Yeah Grace: 2 years too late, sorry boy Janis: ick Janis: leave it out Grace: ????? Janis: that's too young Janis: it's depressing Grace: I know, I cried for like a week Janis: stop thinking about it now Janis: and chatting Janis: drive me to drink Grace: you can share this one Janis: alright, had enough earlier Janis: one of us should be vaguely sober Grace: did you sneak it into the fair while I was babysitting? Janis: ha Janis: after, went pub Grace: Oh okay Janis: did you think i was drunk Janis: was just a sugar high, like Grace: you left ASAP and I did when you got back Grace: literally wouldn't know Janis: did think it was a bit of a jump Grace: it's so rude that I can't get in anywhere & you can Janis: I'm tall Janis: and you've got a babyface Grace: like I said, so rude Janis: blame mum and dad Janis: neither of them brought it in the height department Grace: I blame avó, she's who I look like Grace: & she has that direct 🙏🙏🙏 line to god, obvs so Grace: she could have put in a word for me not to look like this Janis: get that you ain't meant to be a braggy cunt Janis: but bit of a slap in the face to call out one of his creations and say 'not again, thanks' Grace: 😂😂 Janis: also she'd give you a slap in the face for that one so let's hope she ain't in the kebab Grace: she'd wanna hit me for lots of things I do but Jesus loves a whore Grace: & she's never ate anywhere that isn't ours either Grace: doubly saved 🙌 Janis: 😏 Janis: not suggesting she's been out on the piss tbh Janis: it's late as hell and not midnight mass vibes, like Grace: if you're going that hard of the blood of christ, maybe just marry him tbh Janis: gutted she didn't Janis: probably can't dump your kid to be a nun though Janis: unfortunate for us all Grace: maybe I'll go become one Grace: can you vlog it? Janis: considering the vow of poverty, don't think you can show up with thousands worth of filming equipment, no Grace: tragic Janis: not even to mention all the others i think you'd struggle with Grace: well it's just mean if you don't tell me now Janis: come on then, I see you Janis: tell you all about it Grace: 👋 Grace: you look so pretty OMG Janis: let's not be texting and walking rn babe Grace: 👌👌👌

Christmas and New Years with M.E.

07/01/2018

Ok, so I think it’s time to vent…

OMG! Christmas! YAY! The time for happiness, giving, spending time with family, seeing all your mates, parties, alcohol, food, and having the best time ever!!! - Well that can fuck right off can’t it!

Just cos’ it’s Xmas doesn’t mean that your illnesses and troubles just magically disappear! If anything it probably brings them to the surface more and makes you realise just how little you can do. Great.

I haven’t had a drink all year! - jokes (cos thats like 7 days) …If you have to explain your jokes they’re not funny! Anyway- I haven’t had a drink since July and I really miss it… well I also haven’t been to a party since then either… or socialised…or left the house to do anything other than go to bloody Sainsbury’s… I have eaten food though… cos you know…. I’m still alive and all that.

There’s so much pressure to be well at xmas, which obviously isn’t even like, on the scale of being possible, but so many people invited me out to parties etc and although it’s great that they haven’t completely forgotten I exist .....babe? Like really? Oh ok, I’ll spend 6 months in my bedroom and then come to your party cos it’s Xmas? Yea right.

It’s weird - I feel like I am pretty public about my health issues- if anything probably too much - but people obviously just don’t really take it in… Someone text me the other day actually and it really hit a sore spot - he asked why I hadn’t answered his calls and I replied apologising and saying sorry that I didn’t feel up to chatting on the phone at the time and his reply pissed me RIGHT OFF. He said, and I quote ‘Whatever... Unicorn impressions in a forest??’

ANNOUNCEMENT: INSTAGRAM IS NOT REAL LIFE!!!!!!

What is wrong with peoples bloody brains!!! Sorry, but lets just think about this for a minute…

So I got home to Sussex on December 23rd and was so shattered from the train journey that I had to nap and couldn’t do anything with the fam that eve… I don’t really get why travelling is so damn tiring, like you’re only sat there being awake and breathing really….  anyway... then the next day I had my one of my best friends round and yes I actually felt up to seeing her (which is a bloody miracle) We had a lovely catch up and her Xmas gift to me was THE UNICORN ONESIE!!! - Yes, she is the one responsible for this moment!

We thought it would be hilarious for me to put it on and have a pic in the forest which is literally about 10 steps from the house - she convinced me to put wellington boots on my hands and get down on all fours (obviously) and it was so so funny I haven’t laughed that much in forever! 10 seconds later we were back on the sofa! Job done!

Does taking 20 paces and posing for a photo mean that I am now miraculously better? No

Does it mean I’ll do anything for the gram? Yes ;)

But in all seriousness, I wish people would realise that I am trying to portray the fun positive person that I feel is trapped inside my body, and to have fun and be happy whenever I can, even if it’s just for a few minutes! God if I put up pics of me looking like a zombie on the sofa all day every day I think I’d lose a fair few followers ;) ... ok maybe I do it sometimes....always with a filter though ;) 

Anyway, sorry I went off on a right little tangent there! Unicorn day was Xmas eve and after my friend left I was pretty shattered so again just rested for the rest of the day.

When I woke up on Xmas day I could tell that I felt pretty ropey but not too terrible, I wanted to look and feel nice so I did my makeup (which I hardly ever bother to do these days) and ‘helped’ my mum cook the xmas lunch… basically I stood around for a bit, got in the way a lot, and helped lay the table. What would she have done without me huh!

Xmas dinner wash so damn good, but… how can I put it… let’s just say it didn’t go down too well and that was me done for the afternoon. Fucking Crohns disease, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?! Sorry, TMI but I couldn’t really care less ;) Then that evening we played an exciting game of snakes and ladders and watched a film. lavley.

In the eve I went for my daily walk - I am trying so so so hard to stick to my GET (Graded Exercise Therapy) and didn’t feel up to doing it but pushed through it as per, and did it.

When I started the GET this time around I started at the beginning of October on a 10 minute walk a day (and nothing else other than making food, and pottering about the house really) - Now it’s January and I’m on 25 minutes. It’s great that I have made an improvement, but not gonna lie, I thought I’d be on like an hour by now and could start doing some songwriting or focusing on other things, but nah. Still doing the walking.

Anyway the walk that night just about finished me off and I felt awful afterwards… for a week! FS!

Boxing Day I was pretty much in tears most of the day (sorry family!) and on the sofa and same for the rest of the week - I managed to travel back up to my Dad’s place for Xmas numero due, but felt like utter arse.

At least the main activity at my dads was watching films YEP and flying this little drone thing around home made obstacle courses YEP - which I could join in with whilst sat on my arse lol - We did have a nice time though and it was so good to spend so much time with all my family at least! I am so lucky to have them and am so close to them all, so that’s definitely something eh :)

Then it was back to my place in London for a few more days resting before NYE! The most overrated night of the year!

I was really so touched this year as some of my housemates decided to stay in with me :) To be honest I am still unsure of wether they genuinely wanted to or if they felt they had to, but either way I appreciated it SO MUCH!

I was really worried that they’d all go out -  but of course I told them that it would be genuinely fine and I’d have been happy for them to go- but maybe they just saw straight through that!

I was really scared about how I would cope with being sat on my own in bed when the clock struck midnight - I know it sounds a bit overdramatic, and it really doesn’t matter what you’re doing at that moment, but I think it says so much about your life. Sorry, I am welling up typing this, but I think it says a lot to be sat on your own seeing in the new year and I truly hope that none of you guys had to do that. I guess it still upsets me so freakin’ much that I just can’t do the ‘normal’ things that all of my friends can, ya know?

HOWEVER! I ended up having a lovely evening with Grace, Nicki and Tilly- we got masses of takeaway, watched a few shit films, and even saw a few fireworks from our garden :) How romantic! And having been so worried about having a complete breakdown, I didn’t even cry once! YAS!

Oh and we even all dressed in pink and made unicorn cupcakes! Winning? I think so! #PinkParty

So….2018 you little fucker!! What have you got in store for me this year?

You’ll be relieved to hear that so far I have been feeling pretty positive and I always love the opportunity for a fresh start!

I have been going for my walk every day and trying to put less pressure on myself - I think the thing that makes all of this so hard is that fact that I am so driven and wanting so much to have a successful career in the music industry- even typing that again makes me get all teary again but I HAVE to accept that it’s not going to happen just yet- and that patience is the key!

I have so many songs finished and ready to release, I just need to get well enough to have the energy to release them, and to make some new music videos etc. I am really really hoping that I might be able to do one in the summer maybe, and take it from there. But for now my health has to be my number one priority.

I’ll write again in feb! Let’s see if I can get to say 35 min walk by then eh! Wish me luck! Thank you for reading this, please don’t hesitate to get in touch and to follow my blog would be amaze!!! :)

Also, just as a last call, if anyone would like to purchase any of my merchandise, all of the profits are going to the charity Action for M.E. so your support would be hugely appreciated! You can see it all on the merch tab on my website www.aliceella.com :) Thanks guys :) xxx

DETROIT DIARY

Did this with Mankind Divided and thought it could be fun to do again! I’ve gone through this game twice already with friends (Both Pacifist runs) so I’m quite familiar with that part of the story. What I do want to explore now is all the bad choices which I’m an expert in (at least in real life) so let’s see where this adventure will go! Have fun guessing what scenarios I’m playing

NO NONSENSE, SAVE THE FISH

Aquarium must be a Heavy Rain throw back

“My name is Connor, I’m the android send by Cyberlife”

Connor, you know I love you but I’ll throw you off this building for fun, no hard feelings

Weee Todd time, I can’t wait to punch him. Or shoot. Or whatever it is you can

Hmmm this reminds me of something but I can’t put my finger on it

Wow, littering asshole! Pick that one up right now you lazy fuck

Let’s try and avoid that angry mop this time

Wow, getting mad at the Roomba now as well? Poor Roomba, it did nothing wrong 8C

Fuck this shit

Y ARE THERE DRUGS IN THE WASHING POWDER THAT NASTY LEARN TO HIDE STUFF  PROPERLY

Gun and anti-depressants, we all know what a good combo that is

I hope this means what I think it does

STOP! But can we all just take a moment to appreciate how beautiful the soundtrack is for this game?! <3

ANDROID BIRDS ANDROID BIRDS

Speed chess, is that an actual thing??

Okay, but how fun could it be if you could fuck up the painting quick time event and paint like, a blob or a stick figure!?

COOKIECUT

Alright, I like Hank and Connors relationship and it’s gonna be weird to knock it down in hostile territory

Oh, that’s a valid point. Not only are you a good boi, you are an expensive AF boi as well. Good luck paying the bill, Hank

ATMOSPHERE! RAIN! LIGHTNING!

Stormy night! Been looking forward to replay this; what other outcomes are there!?

Gonna move, bitch

As a good American, let’s grab the gun first

GODDAMMIT KARA Y DIDN’T U JUST SHOOT!? U HAD ONE FUCKING JOB

….Well, that was anti-climatic….

Seen both outcomes for this but for the sake fucking up the relationship with Carl  - PUSH!

MOVE, I GOT THE DADDY PANTS ON

STRESS, SHOOTING, DEATH

Would have loved to try the Motel but for the sake of Connor and Ralph, CREEPY HOUSE

Mud intensifies

Jayden did that much better, Markus

OMG HE’S SO CUTE I CAN’T EVEN!

Only thing here is trying to be douchebag towards Gavin?  -Did not go as planned, I am disappointed ;C

Sorry Connor but I am doing this for the lols

Ralph just needs a hug :C

THIS OST IS NICE

Run Kara run, I have much more fun stuff planned for you guys! I think. Actually, I don’t know what to do with you yet.

FUCK THIS PART

Wow, this scene is so much shorter now lol

Hmmm had hoped for some variation in the interactions here :/

Birds birds birds

Do we save or do we not? Let’s do none of it

This is just sad

Always trust a shady dude named Zlatko

is it actually possible to escape the reset? It is but gotta be quick!

Wow, so much shit is stored here - is that a cyborg polar bear???

I just ripped a dude’s heart out :D

Does that make me a murderer? Oh wait already killed Todd! I’m a good mother! Be proud of me Alice 

What do I want? Saving my child from a psychopathic mad man as time is running out! When do I want to do it? Just after I’ve read these magazines and watched TV

I wanna get Alice and Kara killed here, science you know

When you wanna kill your character but you are SAVED BY A GODDAMN POLAR BEAR

I find the doorbell hilarious - my humor is beyond salvation

The slap as well… I need help

Whatever, just kill the guy

Shooting people in the back since 2k38, true hero

No differences really but whatever, that merry-go-round scene is beautiful

This scenery is beautiful as well T_T I live for the snow in this game. And headshots  

Markus, this is Adam calling, he wants his coat and fashion style back

TRUMP

That was sarcasm, Connor. Know where to stick it?

Not much new stuff here really but for the sake of the graveyard, let’s do this

I feel this would have worked much better in the previous run

this is just sad

HELLO POLICEMAN

Hide evidence? Nah fuck it, let’s see what happens!

Oh, I got Luther murdered SORRY ALICE

I’m gonna burn this place to the ground

VIOLENCE

I guess the true way to go is pacifist but damn, violence just suits Markus so much better

Okay this relationship thing is getting painful :C

Hmmmmmm

VIOLENCE! I like this Markus much better!

I think North is pissed

Fuck u North

I’m going South

No, wait Hank D:

OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY SAID BROMANCE AND THAT FUCKING SMILE

Okay this is so messed up but badass as well  

Oh, well fuck you too!!

….Oh….

Oh, so Lucy is Luther’s stand in! Hmmm liked Luther better here, sounds weird with her

Okay I lowkey hope MB will make a Detroit collection as they did with Deus Ex!  Who am I kidding, I’ll never be able to afford anything… RIP Hengsha-dream still crying for you

Lol, I don’t even have the deviant option

This is like an episode of Game of Thrones

But at least my bromance with Simon is evolving… I think?

Hmmmmm

I’m a horrible human being but my Markus is anger Markus

Bye Carl

Oh

:CCCCCCCCC

T_T T_T T_T

WHY!?

Okay, revolution Markus is sooo much cooler than pacifist Markus!

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?

I don’t remember your name but killing you + your henchmen was awesome!

This is so messed up

PRESS X TO ALICE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I SHOULD FEEL BAD FOR LAUGHING

Oh hi Ralph, fancy meeting you here!

Taking control of ma boi because fuck you guys!

So I know successfully hitting all the buttons will result in headshotting Markus but I accidentally missed some and that was extra fun!!! I got to rip off his arm and break his neck :DDD And of course shoot him in the head for a good measure :DD I’m enjoying this way too much….. halp

Hmmm picking you Ralph because character development!

What a sad sad scenery…. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to be tossed out like garbage

Wow wow something is wrong with your face!! And what’s up with that high collar thing!? This looks weird, please go away you are not my Connor!!

Okay so to sum it up:

I made Markus die hated and cursed by basically everyone including teammates and Jericho. Deliberately killed Carl, Josh, North, Simon and half of Jericho because I’m an angry ball of vengeance. 

Kara tried her best to be a good mum but kinda fucked it up and got Luther killed. Left alone with Alice as the sole survivors in a massgrave knowing she had to let friend die in order to escape.

Connor was cold AF, made Hank commit suicide and killed everything in the name of Cyberlife only to be tossed out like garbage in the end.

All in all, I would say I got a pretty good ending, 10/10 :DDDD

Xav: I'll talk to you on Steam but won't join tipchat again

Chinye: whats wrong

Xav: I dunno

Xav: I'm yelling a lot

Xav: Keep on changing what I want to do

Xav: Keep on fidgeting

Xav: So I'll talk after this shower

Chinye: ok

Chinye: i hope u feel better

Chinye: is something about tipchat bothering u?

Chinye: something i said?

Xav: No, it's me

Xav: I got upset in the shower. When I'm calmed down I'll tell you

Chinye: can i help?

Xav: I just need to unload on you

Xav: Sorry in advanced

Chinye: ok

Xav: Just here's the jist

Xav: I'm lazy

Chinye: lazy?

Chinye: i dont really get that impression with you

Chinye: did you forget to do something?

Xav: okay im back on

Xav: this might take a while

Xav: because i just have a horrible feeling in my gut

Xav: but the main reason why i am in my current life circumstance is that I'm lazy

Xav: 2010, first year of high school

Xav: everything was okay besides friend

Xav: 2011

Xav: i couldn't develop a study strategy

Xav: because I didn't feel like it

Xav: and pushed away the worries by either talking to people, playing games, watching things, etc.

Xav: this manifested

Xav: i started to not ask for help

Xav: because I didn't want to

Xav: and it was so much effort

Xav: this started spilling into everything

Xav: in life

Xav: today

Xav: i didn't eat breakfast

Xav: because i didn't want to

Xav: i didn't walk peggy

Xav: because i didn't want to

Xav: didn't do washing, the dishes, clean up

Xav: didn't go outside

Xav: it goes into video games

Xav: i can have more fun in Granblue if I looked up what I should do next and grind

Xav: but I'm lazy

Xav: and don't want to put in effort

Xav: so I just whine about my current situation

Xav: i would put more effort into trying to rebuild friendships

Xav: but I'm lazy

Xav: t would require too much effort

Xav: and make me anxious

Xav: and runin mty day

Xav: so I resort to staying inside

Xav: I was in the shwower

Xav: I was too lazy to get out

Xav: i just let the water envelop me

Xav: Like a wet and slippery cocoon

Xav: I don't try to develop new hobbies

Xav: Because that requires me to fail first to improve

Chinye: you sound like me

Xav: and I don't want to do that

Xav: I am too lazy to get up

Chinye: thats exactly how i am

Xav: too lazy to get dressed

Xav: too lazy to look for a job

Xav: too lazy to seek help from free government services

Xav: too lazy to tell mum and dad my real inner problems

Xav: too lazy to even start a conversation with my surviving friends

Xav: too lazy to become alive

Xav: too lazy to defend myself

Xav: i just take each blow

Xav: too lazy to do these stretches which will stop me feeling pain

Xav: too lazy to stop any of this happening

Xav: too lazy to believe in myself

Chinye: do you have anything that motivates you

Xav: i dunno

Xav: i just wanna go to sleep

Xav: because im too lazy to figure out what to do for the rest of the day

Xav: Too lazy to even try to find someone to fuck the pain away

Xav: I'm too lazy to find out if I even like dick

Xav: I've just masturbated to some dumb doujins online

Xav: had one boyfriend

Xav: who hadn't even transitioned yt

Xav: and i label myself as bi/pan

Xav: too lazy to get to the root of the problem

Xav: too lazy to get better at video games

Xav: doesn't that just make your skin crawl?

Xav: i want to do all these things

Xav: but this little thing in my head just makes me this walking zombie

Chinye: it doesnt really make it crawl but it makes me lock up a bit

Chinye: because i have exactly the same problem

Chinye: no motivation to do anything

Chinye: too lazy to fix my problems

Xav: i can feel my energy leak out

Chinye: I dont know what to say about it

Xav: all the positivity

Chinye: cause like im exactly the same

Xav: i want to cut off my limbs

Chinye: I wish there was a magic fix

Chinye: :(

Xav: and im too lazy to stop talking and think about your feelings

Chinye: you dont need to stop

Xav: i just keep on going

Xav: and impede negativity onto you

Chinye: negativity doesn't bother me

Chinye: I can handle it

Xav: even though i know how you feel because i've been in your spot so many times

Chinye: I just am thinking about it

Chinye: I dont know how to solve problems i have myself

Chinye: its good to know im not alone though

Xav: i'm too lazy to tell people what they say makes me feel horrible but i bottle it up and struggle to help them but all i can do is hit these plastic objects

Chinye: I thought other people just had motivation to do things

Chinye: and that things were just harder for me

Xav: which then sends an impulse to wiring then goes through all of these devices

Xav: to someone else

Chinye: Do i make you feel bad?

Chinye: with anything i say?

Chinye: I can stop dumping emotional stuff on you

Xav: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mWotngJBcc

Xav: i can't stop talking to you though

Xav: because then you will have to talk to someone else

Xav: and gothrough the same process

Chinye: I can keep it in

Chinye: and deal with it myself

Chinye: like should've done in the first place

Xav: you;'ll hurt yourself in the

Xav: process

Chinye: i'm sorry i've been dumping stuff on you

Chinye: I wont anymore

Xav: no

Chinye: thanks for all the help so far though

Xav: i want to be strong

Xav: i want to be strong for you

Xav: but i'm just so squishy

Xav: and take everything to heart

Chinye: i told you before

Chinye: i can handle it myself

Xav: i dont want you to be in pain

Chinye: i just got weak

Chinye: and let it fall on someone else

Chinye: dont worry about it anymore

Xav: i failed

Chinye: how?

Chinye: we're still gonna hang out

Chinye: and talk

Chinye: just not about sad stuff

Chinye: unless you need help

Chinye: maybe it'd be good to get some sleep though

Chinye: you said you were tired

Chinye: and i dont want you ot be upset

Xav: i donm't know

Xav: do we even have anything else to talk about?

Chinye: ofc we do

Chinye: are u joking

Chinye: i think were really good friend

Chinye: s

Chinye: we can talk about games

Chinye: and shows

Chinye: and things going on in discord

Xav: every day i just feel weaker and weaker

Xav: yesterday was fine

Xav: i don';t know why

Xav: everything felt different

Xav: but just

Xav: thinking of anything

Chinye: its my fault

Xav: makes me collapse

Chinye: you have been dealing with other peoples problems

Xav: no

Chinye: in addition to your own

Chinye: ofc its gonna be hard

Xav: please no

Chinye: ???

Xav: i don't wnat it ot be like this

Chinye: what to be like what

Chinye: im confused sorry

Xav: i dunno

Chinye: oh ok well

Chinye: if you wanna play games

Chinye: or anything

Chinye: let me know

Chinye: get some rest tho

Chinye: noob

Xav: i want to be stronger for you

Xav: for everyone

Chinye: then get there

Chinye: prepare yourself

Chinye: but that doesnt mean you gotta deal with everything at once

Xav: i want this feeling in my chest to go away

Chinye: sleep

Xav: it's 4:30 pm

Chinye: its the best way to get rid of feeling like that

Xav: it will ruin my day

Chinye: listen to music?

Chinye: im not sure

Xav: none of my music is particularly good at making me feel better

Chinye: you could finish koboyashi

Xav: i watch it with friends

Chinye: watch an anime from my list

Chinye: anything 8 and above is good

Xav: im too lazy to do anything new

Chinye: have you seen no.6?

Chinye: its shonnen ai

Chinye: but its really lite

Chinye: and good

Chinye: im thinking about going to sleep

Chinye: im really tired

Chinye: despite sleeping a bunch

Xav: okay

Chinye: not sure yet

Xav: dont ruin your sleep schedule this weekend

Xav: i want you to go to work on monday

Chinye: thanks dad

Chinye: :P

Xav: sorry, just can't think of anything funny atm

Chinye: lol you dont have to

Chinye: go eat a sanger

Chinye: or whatever u called them

Xav: i just feel frail and stale

Chinye: stale?

Chinye: you are a really nice person

Chinye: and i really think you brighten people around you

Chinye: a mood booster

Xav: it;s not enough

Chinye: its some though

Chinye: better than being someone who brings others down

Chinye: if everyone was like that

Chinye: things would be great

Xav: i;m going to be a pig and order food now

Chinye: wish i did that

Chinye: the sub i had when i woke up was gross

Chinye: lol

Xav: hoping mum won't look at the credit card bill

Xav: she was suggesting i make something for myself

Xav: but im just so weak

Xav: i didn't even make that sandwich i said i was going to make

Chinye: want me to paypal u money

Xav: no

Chinye: so u can order food

Chinye: and u just pay me back somehow

Xav: somehow will be in 2 years

Xav: maybe more

Chinye: it doesnt have to be with money n

Chinye: nerd

Xav: i've given you all i have

Chinye: what would food even cost

Chinye: like $20?

Xav: this place's minimum order is $20

Xav: the HSP was 13.50

Chinye: just let me know if u want me to

Chinye: and i'll paypal u it

Xav: i got a milkshake but it was shit

Chinye: you dont even have to give back

Xav: i can't let you do that

Chinye: i dont want you to get yelled at

Xav: Mum doesn't yell

Chinye: sorry

Chinye: shamed at

Xav: i can deal with it

Chinye: you dont have to if u let me help

Chinye: but ok

Chinye: its up to you

Xav: i just can't sorry

Chinye: ok...