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mostlysignssomeportents · 10 months

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Autoenshittification

Forget F1: the only car race that matters now is the race to turn your car into a digital extraction machine, a high-speed inkjet printer on wheels, stealing your private data as it picks your pocket. Your car’s digital infrastructure is a costly, dangerous nightmare — but for automakers in pursuit of postcapitalist utopia, it’s a dream they can’t give up on.

Your car is stuffed full of microchips, a fact the world came to appreciate after the pandemic struck and auto production ground to a halt due to chip shortages. Of course, that wasn’t the whole story: when the pandemic started, the automakers panicked and canceled their chip orders, only to immediately regret that decision and place new orders.

But it was too late: semiconductor production had taken a serious body-blow, and when Big Car placed its new chip orders, it went to the back of a long, slow-moving line. It was a catastrophic bungle: microchips are so integral to car production that a car is basically a computer network on wheels that you stick your fragile human body into and pray.

The car manufacturers got so desperate for chips that they started buying up washing machines for the microchips in them, extracting the chips and discarding the washing machines like some absurdo-dystopian cyberpunk walnut-shelling machine:

https://www.autoevolution.com/news/desperate-times-companies-buy-washing-machines-just-to-rip-out-the-chips-187033.html

These digital systems are a huge problem for the car companies. They are the underlying cause of a precipitous decline in car quality. From touch-based digital door-locks to networked sensors and cameras, every digital system in your car is a source of endless repair nightmares, costly recalls and cybersecurity vulnerabilities:

https://www.reuters.com/business/autos-transportation/quality-new-vehicles-us-declining-more-tech-use-study-shows-2023-06-22/

What’s more, drivers hate all the digital bullshit, from the janky touchscreens to the shitty, wildly insecure apps. Digital systems are drivers’ most significant point of dissatisfaction with the automakers’ products:

https://www.theverge.com/23801545/car-infotainment-customer-satisifaction-survey-jd-power

Even the automakers sorta-kinda admit that this is a problem. Back in 2020 when Massachusetts was having a Right-to-Repair ballot initiative, Big Car ran these unfuckingbelievable scare ads that basically said, “Your car spies on you so comprehensively that giving anyone else access to its systems will let murderers stalk you to your home and kill you:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/03/rip-david-graeber/#rolling-surveillance-platforms

But even amid all the complaining about cars getting stuck in the Internet of Shit, there’s still not much discussion of why the car-makers are making their products less attractive, less reliable, less safe, and less resilient by stuffing them full of microchips. Are car execs just the latest generation of rubes who’ve been suckered by Silicon Valley bullshit and convinced that apps are a magic path to profitability?

Nope. Car execs are sophisticated businesspeople, and they’re surfing capitalism’s latest — and last — hot trend: dismantling capitalism itself.

Now, leftists have been predicting the death of capitalism since The Communist Manifesto, but even Marx and Engels warned us not to get too frisky: capitalism, they wrote, is endlessly creative, constantly reinventing itself, re-emerging from each crisis in a new form that is perfectly adapted to the post-crisis reality:

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/10/31/books/review/a-spectre-haunting-china-mieville.html

But capitalism has finally run out of gas. In his forthcoming book, Techno Feudalism: What Killed Capitalism, Yanis Varoufakis proposes that capitalism has died — but it wasn’t replaced by socialism. Rather, capitalism has given way to feudalism:

https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/451795/technofeudalism-by-varoufakis-yanis/9781847927279

Under capitalism, capital is the prime mover. The people who own and mobilize capital — the capitalists — organize the economy and take the lion’s share of its returns. But it wasn’t always this way: for hundreds of years, European civilization was dominated by rents, not markets.

A “rent” is income that you get from owning something that other people need to produce value. Think of renting out a house you own: not only do you get paid when someone pays you to live there, you also get the benefit of rising property values, which are the result of the work that all the other homeowners, business owners, and residents do to make the neighborhood more valuable.

The first capitalists hated rent. They wanted to replace the “passive income” that landowners got from taxing their serfs’ harvest with active income from enclosing those lands and grazing sheep in order to get wool to feed to the new textile mills. They wanted active income — and lots of it.

Capitalist philosophers railed against rent. The “free market” of Adam Smith wasn’t a market that was free from regulation — it was a market free from rents. The reason Smith railed against monopolists is because he (correctly) understood that once a monopoly emerged, it would become a chokepoint through which a rentier could cream off the profits he considered the capitalist’s due:

https://locusmag.com/2021/03/cory-doctorow-free-markets/

Today, we live in a rentier’s paradise. People don’t aspire to create value — they aspire to capture it. In Survival of the Richest, Doug Rushkoff calls this “going meta”: don’t provide a service, just figure out a way to interpose yourself between the provider and the customer:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/09/13/collapse-porn/#collapse-porn

Don’t drive a cab, create Uber and extract value from every driver and rider. Better still: don’t found Uber, invest in Uber options and extract value from the people who invest in Uber. Even better, invest in derivatives of Uber options and extract value from people extracting value from people investing in Uber, who extract value from drivers and riders. Go meta.

This is your brain on the four-hour-work-week, passive income mind-virus. In Techno Feudalism, Varoufakis deftly describes how the new “Cloud Capital” has created a new generation of rentiers, and how they have become the richest, most powerful people in human history.

Shopping at Amazon is like visiting a bustling city center full of stores — but each of those stores’ owners has to pay the majority of every sale to a feudal landlord, Emperor Jeff Bezos, who also decides which goods they can sell and where they must appear on the shelves. Amazon is full of capitalists, but it is not a capitalist enterprise. It’s a feudal one:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/28/enshittification/#relentless-payola

This is the reason that automakers are willing to enshittify their products so comprehensively: they were one of the first industries to decouple rents from profits. Recall that the reason that Big Car needed billions in bailouts in 2008 is that they’d reinvented themselves as loan-sharks who incidentally made cars, lending money to car-buyers and then “securitizing” the loans so they could be traded in the capital markets.

Even though this strategy brought the car companies to the brink of ruin, it paid off in the long run. The car makers got billions in public money, paid their execs massive bonuses, gave billions to shareholders in buybacks and dividends, smashed their unions, fucked their pensioned workers, and shipped jobs anywhere they could pollute and murder their workforce with impunity.

Car companies are on the forefront of postcapitalism, and they understand that digital is the key to rent-extraction. Remember when BMW announced that it was going to rent you the seatwarmer in your own fucking car?

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/02/big-river/#beemers

Not to be outdone, Mercedes announced that they were going to rent you your car’s accelerator pedal, charging an extra $1200/year to unlock a fully functional acceleration curve:

https://www.theverge.com/2022/11/23/23474969/mercedes-car-subscription-faster-acceleration-feature-price

This is the urinary tract infection business model: without digitization, all your car’s value flowed in a healthy stream. But once the car-makers add semiconductors, each one of those features comes out in a painful, burning dribble, with every button on that fakakta touchscreen wired directly into your credit-card.

But it’s just for starters. Computers are malleable. The only computer we know how to make is the Turing Complete Von Neumann Machine, which can run every program we know how to write. Once they add networked computers to your car, the Car Lords can endlessly twiddle the knobs on the back end, finding new ways to extract value from you:

https://doctorow.medium.com/twiddler-1b5c9690cce6

That means that your car can track your every movement, and sell your location data to anyone and everyone, from marketers to bounty-hunters looking to collect fees for tracking down people who travel out of state for abortions to cops to foreign spies:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/n7enex/tool-shows-if-car-selling-data-privacy4cars-vehicle-privacy-report

Digitization supercharges financialization. It lets car-makers offer subprime auto-loans to desperate, poor people and then killswitch their cars if they miss a payment:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4U2eDJnwz_s

Subprime lending for cars would be a terrible business without computers, but digitization makes it a great source of feudal rents. Car dealers can originate loans to people with teaser rates that quickly blow up into payments the dealer knows their customer can’t afford. Then they repo the car and sell it to another desperate person, and another, and another:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/07/27/boricua/#looking-for-the-joke-with-a-microscope

Digitization also opens up more exotic options. Some subprime cars have secondary control systems wired into their entertainment system: miss a payment and your car radio flips to full volume and bellows an unstoppable, unmutable stream of threats. Tesla does one better: your car will lock and immobilize itself, then blare its horn and back out of its parking spot when the repo man arrives:

https://tiremeetsroad.com/2021/03/18/tesla-allegedly-remotely-unlocks-model-3-owners-car-uses-smart-summon-to-help-repo-agent/

Digital feudalism hasn’t stopped innovating — it’s just stopped innovating good things. The digital device is an endless source of sadistic novelties, like the cellphones that disable your most-used app the first day you’re late on a payment, then work their way down the other apps you rely on for every day you’re late:

https://restofworld.org/2021/loans-that-hijack-your-phone-are-coming-to-india/

Usurers have always relied on this kind of imaginative intimidation. The loan-shark’s arm-breaker knows you’re never going to get off the hook; his goal is in intimidating you into paying his boss first, liquidating your house and your kid’s college fund and your wedding ring before you default and he throws you off a building.

Thanks to the malleability of computerized systems, digital arm-breakers have an endless array of options they can deploy to motivate you into paying them first, no matter what it costs you:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/02/innovation-unlocks-markets/#digital-arm-breakers

Car-makers are trailblazers in imaginative rent-extraction. Take VIN-locking: this is the practice of adding cheap microchips to engine components that communicate with the car’s overall network. After a new part is installed in your car, your car’s computer does a complex cryptographic handshake with the part that requires an unlock code provided by an authorized technician. If the code isn’t entered, the car refuses to use that part.

VIN-locking has exploded in popularity. It’s in your iPhone, preventing you from using refurb or third-party replacement parts:

https://doctorow.medium.com/apples-cement-overshoes-329856288d13

It’s in fuckin’ ventilators, which was a nightmare during lockdown as hospital techs nursed their precious ventilators along by swapping parts from dead systems into serviceable ones:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/3azv9b/why-repair-techs-are-hacking-ventilators-with-diy-dongles-from-poland

And of course, it’s in tractors, along with other forms of remote killswitch. Remember that feelgood story about John Deere bricking the looted Ukrainian tractors whose snitch-chips showed they’d been relocated to Russia?

https://doctorow.medium.com/about-those-kill-switched-ukrainian-tractors-bc93f471b9c8

That wasn’t a happy story — it was a cautionary tale. After all, John Deere now controls the majority of the world’s agricultural future, and they’ve boobytrapped those ubiquitous tractors with killswitches that can be activated by anyone who hacks, takes over, or suborns Deere or its dealerships.

Control over repair isn’t limited to gouging customers on parts and service. When a company gets to decide whether your device can be fixed, it can fuck you over in all kinds of ways. Back in 2019, Tim Apple told his shareholders to expect lower revenues because people were opting to fix their phones rather than replace them:

https://www.apple.com/newsroom/2019/01/letter-from-tim-cook-to-apple-investors/

By usurping your right to decide who fixes your phone, Apple gets to decide whether you can fix it, or whether you must replace it. Problem solved — and not just for Apple, but for car makers, tractor makers, ventilator makers and more. Apple leads on this, even ahead of Big Car, pioneering a “recycling” program that sees trade-in phones shredded so they can’t possibly be diverted from an e-waste dump and mined for parts:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/yp73jw/apple-recycling-iphones-macbooks

John Deere isn’t sleeping on this. They’ve come up with a valuable treasure they extract when they win the Right-to-Repair: Deere singles out farmers who complain about its policies and refuses to repair their tractors, stranding them with six-figure, two-ton paperweight:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/05/31/dealers-choice/#be-a-shame-if-something-were-to-happen-to-it

The repair wars are just a skirmish in a vast, invisible fight that’s been waged for decades: the War On General-Purpose Computing, where tech companies use the law to make it illegal for you to reconfigure your devices so they serve you, rather than their shareholders:

https://memex.craphound.com/2012/01/10/lockdown-the-coming-war-on-general-purpose-computing/

The force behind this army is vast and grows larger every day. General purpose computers are antithetical to technofeudalism — all the rents extracted by technofeudalists would go away if others (tinkereres, co-ops, even capitalists!) were allowed to reconfigure our devices so they serve us.

You’ve probably noticed the skirmishes with inkjet printer makers, who can only force you to buy their ink at 20,000% markups if they can stop you from deciding how your printer is configured:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/08/07/inky-wretches/#epson-salty But we’re also fighting against insulin pump makers, who want to turn people with diabetes into walking inkjet printers:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/06/10/loopers/#hp-ification

And companies that make powered wheelchairs:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/06/08/chair-ish/#r2r

These companies start with people who have the least agency and social power and wreck their lives, then work their way up the privilege gradient, coming for everyone else. It’s called the “shitty technology adoption curve”:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/08/21/great-taylors-ghost/#solidarity-or-bust

Technofeudalism is the public-private-partnership from hell, emerging from a combination of state and private action. On the one hand, bailing out bankers and big business (rather than workers) after the 2008 crash and the covid lockdown decoupled income from profits. Companies spent billions more than they earned were still wildly profitable, thanks to those public funds.

But there’s also a policy dimension here. Some of those rentiers’ billions were mobilized to both deconstruct antitrust law (allowing bigger and bigger companies and cartels) and to expand “IP” law, turning “IP” into a toolsuite for controlling the conduct of a firm’s competitors, critics and customers:

https://locusmag.com/2020/09/cory-doctorow-ip/

IP is key to understanding the rise of technofeudalism. The same malleability that allows companies to “twiddle” the knobs on their services and keep us on the hook as they reel us in would hypothetically allow us to countertwiddle, seizing the means of computation:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/12/algorithmic-wage-discrimination/#fishers-of-men

The thing that stands between you and an alternative app store, an interoperable social media network that you can escape to while continuing to message the friends you left behind, or a car that anyone can fix or unlock features for is IP, not technology. Under capitalism, that technology would already exist, because capitalists have no loyalty to one another and view each other’s margins as their own opportunities.

But under technofeudalism, control comes from rents (owning things), not profits (selling things). The capitalist who wants to participate in your iPhone’s “ecosystem” has to make apps and submit them to Apple, along with 30% of their lifetime revenues — they don’t get to sell you jailbreaking kit that lets you choose their app store.

Rent-seeking technology has a holy grail: control over “ring zero” — the ability to compel you to configure your computer to a feudalist’s specifications, and to verify that you haven’t altered your computer after it came into your possession:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/01/30/ring-minus-one/#drm-political-economy

For more than two decades, various would-be feudal lords and their court sorcerers have been pitching ways of doing this, of varying degrees of outlandishness.

At core, here’s what they envision: inside your computer, they will nest another computer, one that is designed to run a very simple set of programs, none of which can be altered once it leaves the factory. This computer — either a whole separate chip called a “Trusted Platform Module” or a region of your main processor called a secure enclave — can tally observations about your computer: which operating system, modules and programs it’s running.

Then it can cryptographically “sign” these observations, proving that they were made by a secure chip and not by something you could have modified. Then you can send this signed “attestation” to someone else, who can use it to determine how your computer is configured and thus whether to trust it. This is called “remote attestation.”

There are some cool things you can do with remote attestation: for example, two strangers playing a networked video game together can use attestations to make sure neither is running any cheat modules. Or you could require your cloud computing provider to use attestations that they aren’t stealing your data from the server you’re renting. Or if you suspect that your computer has been infected with malware, you can connect to someone else and send them an attestation that they can use to figure out whether you should trust it.

Today, there’s a cool remote attestation technology called “PrivacyPass” that replaces CAPTCHAs by having you prove to your own device that you are a human. When a server wants to make sure you’re a person, it sends a random number to your device, which signs that number along with its promise that it is acting on behalf of a human being, and sends it back. CAPTCHAs are all kinds of bad — bad for accessibility and privacy — and this is really great.

But the billions that have been thrown at remote attestation over the decades is only incidentally about solving CAPTCHAs or verifying your cloud server. The holy grail here is being able to make sure that you’re not running an ad-blocker. It’s being able to remotely verify that you haven’t disabled the bossware your employer requires. It’s the power to block someone from opening an Office365 doc with LibreOffice. It’s your boss’s ability to ensure that you haven’t modified your messaging client to disable disappearing messages before he sends you an auto-destructing memo ordering you to break the law.

And there’s a new remote attestation technology making the rounds: Google’s Web Environment Integrity, which will leverage Google’s dominance over browsers to allow websites to block users who run ad-blockers:

https://github.com/RupertBenWiser/Web-Environment-Integrity

There’s plenty else WEI can do (it would make detecting ad-fraud much easier), but for every legitimate use, there are a hundred ways this could be abused. It’s a technology purpose-built to allow rent extraction by stripping us of our right to technological self-determination.

Releasing a technology like this into a world where companies are willing to make their products less reliable, less attractive, less safe and less resilient in pursuit of rents is incredibly reckless and shortsighted. You want unauthorized bread? This is how you get Unauthorized Bread:

https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/amp/

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this thread to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/24/rent-to-pwn/#kitt-is-a-demon

[Image ID: The interior of a luxury car. There is a dagger protruding from the steering wheel. The entertainment console has been replaced by the text 'You wouldn't download a car,' in MPAA scare-ad font. Outside of the windscreen looms the Matrix waterfall effect. Visible in the rear- and side-view mirror is the driver: the figure from Munch's 'Scream.' The screen behind the steering-wheel has been replaced by the menacing red eye of HAL9000 from Stanley Kubrick's '2001: A Space Odyssey.']

Image: Cryteria (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:HAL9000.svg

CC BY 3.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en

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rochenn · 4 months

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The year is 2034. Disney announces the production of the show "Resistance: Dooku of Serenno", set during the early days of the Empire, starring CG Christopher Lee.

We begin with a flashback to Revenge of the Sith. After Dooku is beheaded, we learn that he used the Force to supply his brain with blood and oxygen. The movie is visibly retconned - as Obi-Wan, Anakin and Palpatine flee the Invisible Hand, four human parts can be spotted stealthily floating after them.

Dooku, being Dooku, survives the crash and manages to steal away. His head is surgically reattached. Don't ask why nobody else ever stitched their lightsaber-chopped limbs back on. He ends up getting prosthetic hands, anyway. David Filoni said in a behind-the-scenes interview that he thought they were cool.

Previously established canon prevents Dooku from doing anything in-character until Order 66. He lets loose in Coruscant's undercity and becomes the local kooky old man who couldn't possibly be public enemy number one until Mace Windu, freshly fried and unhanded, crashes down in front of him. What a coincidence.

Mace is still played by Sam L. Jackson. He is So Old. He is only there for the paycheck. Disney didn't know how to recast him. He is acting alongside the shell of a man who has been dead for two decades.

After a joke about missing hands that is very funny, the two get along swimmingly. They don't really talk about Dooku's various war crimes. "My droid army would never traumatize a young child," Dooku says with a wink into the camera. Remember to buy your Mandalorian merch.

Mace and Dooku organize an underground resistance on Coruscant in the spirit of the Confederacy. Mace is okay with this. Choice aspects of this arc are compelling, like the fight against fascism under the yoke of cruel state suppression, but tone-deaf allusions to the work of Sophie Scholl cause controversy abroad. Andor did it better. Critics on YouTube who thus far lauded the return of fan favorites and 'faithful casting' tear into the show for pushing the woke agenda.

Nothing Mace and Dooku accomplish has any impact on the Original Trilogy. What were you expecting? The end of the show teases a second season with the arrival of a mysterious woman. Dooku's secret wife. You never knew of her because she was never relevant before. As the final credit music slowly creeps in, she says: "Don't you want to see your son?"

The music swells and we cut to Serenno. The planet has never been mentioned throughout all 15 episodes of the show. Standing in the ruins of Dooku's castle is Dooku's son: back turned to the viewer, gazing into the sunset. Dooku II of Serenno, proud heir, turns his head. He is played by Harry Styles.

Roll credits.

#count dooku #i #I'm actually so sorry I don't know what overcame me #i wrote this in a trance #shitpost

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zvaigzdelasas · 1 month

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[BBC is UK State Media]

Truong My Lan is charged with taking out $44bn (£35bn) in loans from the Saigon Commercial Bank. Prosecutors say $27bn may never be recovered.[...]

The evidence is in 104 boxes weighing a total of six tonnes [!!!]. Eighty-five defendants are on trial with Truong My Lan, who denies the charges. She and 13 others face a possible death sentence.

"There has never been a show trial [sic] like this, I think, in the communist era," says David Brown, a retired US state department official with long experience in Vietnam. "There has certainly been nothing on this scale."

The trial is the most dramatic chapter so far in the "Blazing Furnaces" anti-corruption campaign led by the Communist Party Secretary-General, Nguyen Phu Trong.

A conservative [sic] ideologue [sic] steeped in Marxist theory, Nguyen Phu Trong believes that popular anger over untamed corruption poses an existential threat to the Communist Party's monopoly on power. He began the campaign in earnest in 2016 after out-manoeuvring the then pro-business prime minister to retain the top job in the party.

The campaign has seen two presidents and two deputy prime ministers forced to resign, and hundreds of officials disciplined or jailed. Now one of the country's richest women could join their ranks.[...]

Although Vietnam is best known outside the country for its fast-growing manufacturing sector, as an alternative supply chain to China, most wealthy Vietnamese made their money developing and speculating in property.

All land is officially state-owned. Getting access to it often relies on personal relationships with state officials. Corruption escalated as the economy grew, and became endemic.

By 2011, Truong My Lan was a well-known business figure in Ho Chi Minh City, and she was allowed to arrange the merger of three smaller, cash-strapped banks into a larger entity: Saigon Commercial Bank.

Vietnamese law prohibits any individual from holding more than 5% of the shares in any bank. But prosecutors say that through hundreds of shell companies and people acting as her proxies, Truong My Lan actually owned more than 90% [!!!] of Saigon Commercial.

They accuse her of using that power to appoint her own people as managers, and then ordering them to approve hundreds of loans to the network of shell companies she controlled.

The amounts taken out are staggering. Her loans made up 93% [!!!] of all the bank's lending.

According to prosecutors, over a period of three years from February 2019, she ordered her driver to withdraw 108 trillion Vietnamese dong, more than $4bn (£2.3bn) in cash from the bank, and store it in her basement.

That much cash, even if all of it was in Vietnam's largest denomination banknotes, would weigh two tonnes.[!!!!!][...]

David Brown believes she was protected by powerful figures who have dominated business and politics in Ho Chi Minh City for decades. And he sees a bigger factor in play in the way this trial is being run: a bid to reassert the authority of the Communist Party over the free-wheeling business culture of the south.

"What Nguyen Phu Trong and his allies in the party are trying to do is to regain control of Saigon, or at least stop it from slipping away.[...]

faster growth in Vietnam almost inevitably means more corruption [sic]. Fight corruption too much [sic], and you risk extinguishing a lot of economic activity.

10 Apr 24

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jennaimmortal · 6 months

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Musings on OFMD Season 2

I’m feeling a bit sad today for the OFMD writers. After rewatching S1 & 2 a couple times, it’s become blatantly clear to me that Izzy’s arc this season was a very obvious love letter to both Izzy fans & the great Con O’Neil. Izzy was very clearly written to be an obstacle to Ed’s healing & personal growth, a snare that Ed needed to be freed from, albeit with plenty of nuance hiding under the surface. It would have been much easier for them to kill Izzy off while he was still the toxic, abusive, sadomasochistic terror of S1E10.

Instead of taking the easy route, though, the writers flipped the trope on its head! They utilized every bit of the potential buried beneath Izzy’s super fucked up shell. This season Izzy got

• a fully fleshed out redemption complete with terrible consequences of his 1x10 actions

• a realization of the possibility of another way of thinking & existing that he’d spent all of S1 running from & trying to destroy,

• genuine love & support from his crew mates which he was actually able to accept,

• exploration of the long abandoned softer side of his nature,

• an apology from Ed w/o first offering one of his own,

• a powerful, devastatingly poignant speech that mentally demolished a new nemesis, and finally

• a beautiful, meaningful death in the arms of the man he’d dedicated so much of his life to, known that he was truly loved by him & completely accepting of the fact that Ed’s love was not in the form he’d always hoped for.

It was so much more than we could have hoped for, and was very obviously done in service to the MANY fans that had fallen in love with Izzy even after S1, as well as to give Con a storyline worthy of his immense talent. Considering the face that Izzy was never going to end up becoming the show’s third protagonist, it was more than we could have hoped for!

OFMD has two protagonists, Stede & Ed. All the secondary character narratives that haven’t directly involved Ed and/or Stede have been icing on the cake, but the cake has always been the Gentlebeard love story. I feel like some people forget this, expecting them to treat the secondary characters as if it were an ensemble show instead of a show with leads.

Izzy’s arc really was an amazing gift! The writers gave us this incredible journey for Izzy this season, and what did a disgraceful number of people do? They attacked David directly, insulted the entire show, the writers, & other characters, even wishing actual harm & misery to other characters or even to David himself!

While I know that comparatively speaking, the percentage of show fans who reacted this way was relatively small, it was still an astounding amount of hatred & vitriol thrown at the people who had obviously worked very hard to give Izzy fans something beautiful to hold on to after his inevitable death. Much of the discourse honestly shocked me, considering the fact that OFMD isn’t even an adaptation of another work.

When fans get angry at shows written as adaptations of books, it’s a bit more understandable for them to have extreme reactions. They’ve had certain ideas and headcanons about characters they’ve felt very strongly about for a long time. It can be really jarring & painful when expectations like that aren’t met, the characters or plots are taken in totally different directions, or even excluded entirely.

OFMD, however, is an original creation. This is David Jenkins’s story. These are David Jenkins’s characters. He knows his story, his plotlines, his characters far better than anyone else does because they came from HIS brain! So while we as fans can have our own interpretations & head canons, they are always going to be at risk of being proven totally wrong by the ACTUAL canon.

One of the worst aspects of fandoms, in my opinion, is the way people become so proprietary over the story & characters, insisting that their own interpretations & theories are the only correct ones, which is exactly what happened with Izzy. Fans’ individual & collective interpretations, theories, hopes, & other head canons became concrete & true in their minds. So much so that when the actual story didn’t meet those expectations, so many of them lashed out in some truly unpleasant, sometimes hateful ways.

My only hope is that the rest of the fandom’s love, appreciation, constructive criticism, heartbreak, pain, joy, & excitement has been enough to drown out the deluge of vitriolic comments directed at David & the other writers.

If you stuck with me through this unintentionally long diatribe, thank you! Maybe take a moment to give the writers some comments or replies on social media, showing your love! I know I will!

#our flag means death #ofmd #ed teach #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd season 2 #ofmd s2 #ofmd izzy #izzy hands

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stvolanis · 4 months

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THE LOST BOYS + STAR W/ THEIR

SUPERNATURAL S/O

DAVID

Werewolf S/O

• when you first met, you were at each others throats constantly— people weren't lying when they said Vampires and Werewolves don't get along.

• you quickly bonded as you realized you were each other's mates.

• David absolutely adores your wolf, but he'll never say that out loud.

• he likes to call you pup and puppy a lot just to tease you but he knows that you secretly like it which is why he keeps doing it.

• will give you head pats and praise you like an owner would to a dog just to watch you get flustered .

• he loves watching you hunt, he finds it very amusing. you don't like eating humans, so you stick to animals like a normal wolf would but you don't judge him for eating humans.

DWAYNE

Witch S/O

• you met after he watched you cast a spell near the woods of their cave because he smelt a scent that he'd never smelt before and followed it.

• he knew that witches existed since he was a bit of a bookworm, but he'd never met one so both of you instantly clicked.

• he loves silently watching you cast spells and watching you mess with rude people on the boardwalk.

• he likes to call you 'his witchy woman' because that's exactly what you are to him, plus, he just likes teasing you.

• begs you to teach him some things for research since he wants to learn more about what you can do.

• even though you're a witch and are fully capable of handling yourself, he still likes to protect you when needed and you don't mind.

MARKO

Angel S/O

• you met when he found you in the woods, your wing had been badly injured and he decided to help you out.

• consumed by his crazy good looks and charming nature, you both instantly fell for each other.

• Marko absolutely loves your wings and thinks they're super pretty and soft, and he loves to nuzzle his face into them.

• he likes to think that you were a gift sent down by the gods, for whatever reason so he calls you his angel, precious and dove. He didn’t know what he did to deserve you, as you were complete opposites of each other.

• he loves flying alongside you, watching the way your wings gracefully flap and all the cool tricks you like to do.

• your pretty innocent so he constantly has to protect you from creeps on the boardwalk, but he secretly doesn't mind since you praise him for it.

PAUL

Fairy S/O

• you were walking alone in the woods, flowers blooming behind you as you walked and Paul found the trail and thought it was strange so he decided to follow it, which is how he found you.

• at first, you were scared since you knew he was a vampire but once you got to know him, you instantly took a liking to him.

• Paul loves your wings and thinks they're beautiful, he also loves all of your powers.

• he has a thing for calling you 'fairy princess' even though you've told him you aren't a princess, but you don't really mind. he also loves calling you flower.

• he likes to watch you flutter around the cave, feet hovering over the ground since sometimes flowers subconsciously bloom where you've walked when you weren't paying attention.

• Paul finds it adorable that you don't really know anything about sexual stuff and constantly teases you for it.

STAR

Mermaid S/O

• you met when you spotted Star sitting near the ocean of the cave and sensed she was a vampire, so you curiously swam up to her, a little nervous but she assured you she was harmless.

• you talked for a while and asked each other all kinds of questions and met each other everyday. And that’s when the both of you started to develop strong feelings towards each other.

• Star always gushes about how pretty your tail is and that she wished she had one, but you told her that you wished you had legs.

• she likes to call you her shell baby after you cutely brought her a shell you'd found on the sea floor.

• she loves being next to you in the ocean while you show her cool tricks you can do. When she found out you could talk to fish, she thought you were the most amazing person she’s ever met!

• you asked the gods if they'd grant you legs temporarily whenever you wanted, to which they gave you and you spent the day at the boardwalk with Star, stumbling around sometimes and in awe at the sights around you which she thought was adorable.

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rhysdarbinizedarby · 7 months

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How ‘Our Flag Means Death’ Became the Funniest Show on TV

Creator and showrunner David Jenkins breaks down the new season of TV’s most adorable star-crossed pirates.

Our Flag Means Death debuted in March 2022 to respectable viewership numbers that grew. And grew. And grew some more. With each week of its 10-episode run, viewership increased, eventually tripling its original audience. The little gay pirate workplace and romantic comedy-cum-historical fantasy that could is back for a second season on Max, and fans will be glad to know that piracy power couple Stede Bonnet (Rhys Darby) and Ed Teach, aka Blackbeard (Academy Award winner Taika Waititi) won’t be parted for long.

The first season of Our Flag Means Death introduced viewers to fictional versions of the real historical figures Stede Bonnet (aka The Gentleman Pirate) and Blackbeard, as well as their respective crews. The two captains instantly forged an unlikely connection. Stede, who decided to exorcize his midlife crisis by abandoning his family and taking to the seas, despite being at best a piracy novice, hero-worships Blackbeard and is thrilled to make his acquaintance. The fearsome Blackbeard, who among friends goes by his real first name, Ed, is taken with Stede’s commitment to enjoying the finer and frillier things in life, marveling at his new friend’s on-ship library and massive, beautiful wardrobe.

While the two captains are an odd couple, each of their crews regards the other as an entirely different species. Aboard the Revenge, Stede reads bedtime stories to his crew and encourages them to use their words when conflicts emerge, while on Blackbeard’s ship, Ed’s first mate Izzy Hands (a deliciously scowling, jealous Con O’Neill) rants that his captain is now a shell of the terrifying legend he used to be. Over time, Blackbeard’s crew begin to appreciate the healthier work-life culture on the Revenge, where there’s room for romantic and collegial dyads to form and pair off.

Of course, the path of true love never runs smooth even for a couple as invested in each other as Stede and Ed. At the end of the first season, the crews are split between ships and land, and Ed believes Stede has permanently abandoned their relationship for his original family, causing a heartbroken Ed to revert to his fearsome Kraken persona. As the second season opens, Stede is frantically trying to get back to Ed and explain that he’s all in on their relationship. Ed’s behavior has been swinging erratically from depressed to murderous, even toward Izzy, and when the two captains and crews meet again, there’s an extra twist: Stede and company have been co-opted by the far more capable and successful Chinese Pirate Queen, Zheng Yi Sao (Ruibo Qian).

On the eve of the second season’s three-episode premiere, creator and showrunner David Jenkins reflected on the series’ approach to workplace dynamics, male friendships and romance, and the character arcs he’s most excited for fans to see.

The first three episodes of the season premiere feature a bunch of breakups and reshuffling of romantic and work relationships—not just Stede and Ed. Were you chasing anything in particular, narratively, by splitting up so many dyads?

Definitely. To watch the effects of Stede and Blackbeard’s relationship reverberate through everybody's lives is so interesting. Their separation doesn’t just happen to the two of them, it’s happening to all of them, because they’re a family. Just as the breakup reverberated throughout both crews, getting back together is going to do the same thing.

That makes sense.

The goal was just being true to the character beats and finding ways to make them ring true. Oluwande (Samson Kayo) and Jim (Vico Ortiz, they/them) are friends who got romantic. It rang true to me that they’d watch each others’ lives move forward, and then come back together to find that they still care about each other, and each of them is also happy for the other person. I've seen that happen in real life a bunch of times, but I don't see that dramatized a lot. I think there should be a lot of different flavors of relationships in this show. And there's so many different pairings that you get a lot of chances to be like, “Oh, how are these two different from Stede and Ed?”

How does that relate to your interest in exploring tenderness and vulnerability in male characters? In previous interviews, you’ve referred to Our Flag Means Death as examining the burlesque of masculinity. What does it bring to your work to be exploring it over the course of many hours of storytelling?

That’s an area where Taika’s and my interests overlap a lot. There’s something so understated about his sensibility—I think some of it derives from his New Zealand accent, actually—that suits asking questions about masculinity. And it's fun to look at pirate stories, to play against that genre’s whitewashed, heteronormative conventions. Growing up as a guy, you get a lot of pressure to be just one type of a guy, the guy who refuses to feel things. Men are in terrible trouble in that way. We’re getting better about talking about feelings, but there’s so much more to cover—body dysmorphia, vulnerability, not just talking about feelings, but understanding them and having this whole range of emotions—those are always the things I want to watch.

Do you have favorites among on-screen stories that make room for a broader emotional palette?

Heat and Midnight Run are two really lovely Robert De Niro movies where characters have these very big emotional lives. It’s a similar thing with Robert Redford and Paul Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I like extending that. We can push it further, because there's so many different ways to be a man! Not everything has to be a shoot ’em up action thing where people don’t have feelings. A lot of men feel like they need permission to just be their weird selves, to be funny, to dress differently. Try some different things! Maybe wear a color! Put some product in your hair! Don't worry about it, it's gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine.

Our Flag Means Death is not a casual show. It’s very funny and playful! But there is not one single frame of the show that plays it cool. As an artist, what’s the significance of qualities like sincerity and earnestness?

I hate coolness, it’s so ungenerous. And I like that you said that it’s not casual. I’m not a casual guy. This is a deeply uncool show. There’s something so special about seeing comedic actors like Rhys or Taika, who are so used to coming into a scene, being incredibly funny and destroying, and then leaving, having to use their earnestness, and not using their weapon of immediately diffusing it by going for a laugh. When I see that, it makes my heart leap. There’s something particularly special about seeing a comedic actor do it.

It’s really fun to watch comedic actors dispel the notion that dramatic acting is 180 degrees away from comedic acting.

Characters that call for that type of performance are a lot of what I love about Robert Altman, Christopher Guest, and Harold Ashby movies. They’re comedies, but those characters really grow and they experience pain, and the pain they feel is real. And then the funny shit that they do is even funnier because of it. Those are the things that bring me the most joy.

Tell me about Zheng Yi Sao, the Pirate Queen. She’s such a good foil for Ed and Stede—her ambition, competence, and leadership style are all so distinct from theirs.

Zheng Yi Sao is the most competent pirate captain on our show, and was the most successful pirate captain in history. She lived about 100 years apart from these fellas, and she was so successful that China had to cut her in and do a treaty with her so she would move on to some other field. She wound up making another fortune in gambling!

One thing that jumped out at me in these first three episodes of the season is how much therapy-literate dialogue is used—where did that come from?

I just think it's funny. The thing about a workplace is that they all see everything that’s going on with others, because they're all on top of each other all the time. I don't want to go l too far with it, but it’s fun that some of these characters can see that one of their friends is in a weird relationship with his boss, and then say “hey, you might want to look at that.”

Where do you think that comes from for the characters themselves?

There’s a level of care on that ship that Stede almost infected them with in the first season, and now those ideas are more alive because of how Stede built the Revenge’s culture. You can see that that spirit is still kind of alive when Jim tells the story of the wooden boy to Bang to calm him down. That’s a little bit of Stede’s kindness being alive in the world still, and of Jim needing and being able to call on it now that everything’s so dark. For them to go from an “every person for themselves” ethos to thinking “there was a time when life meant something on this ship, it doesn’t have to be this way” is interesting growth for the character, and is true to Vico as a person. There's a real kindness to how they carry themselves—they’re one of those people that just makes everybody feel safe. It’s nice to see some of those character traits bleed through to Jim.

Without getting too spoilery, what’s coming up over the rest of this season that you can’t wait for viewers to see?

I’m really excited for Izzy’s journey. Con O’Neill did such beautiful work, and getting to see where that character goes and how he grows, I think is one of the most exciting things of the season. To see where Ed and Stede’s relationship goes is gratifying—to see how they navigate each other and find, hopefully, a more mature way of being together.

Jim's relationships with Archie (Madeleine Sami) and Olu develop, too, and more broadly, the crew coming together as a new kind of family, now that Mom and Dad are getting back together. I also like that Lucius (Nathan Foad) is back, and has an angry young man thing going on that he has to process. For Lucius to go through something really harrowing and have to grow up with it is so interesting, because he had all the answers in the first season.

We can’t not talk about the mermaid sequence at the end of the second episode. How did that come about?

We really have to pick our shots on the show, so that was very storyboarded out. I knew I wanted Kate Bush’s “This Woman’s Work” for the scene, so that was incorporated in it. Unfortunately, Rhys had had a really bad near-drowning experience shooting in a tank before, but I didn’t know that until we were working on the stunts! But when Rhys saw the gorgeous tail, and it looked so cool and beautiful, he decided to go for it. He knew the scene was going to look awesome. So he navigated that costume, which is basically a big flipper that he needed to move his entire core to make it work, and Taika’s there with all this glue to keep his wig on underwater all day. When it’s humming and all the departments are working, everyone feels safe. It gives everyone a feeling of “let’s do it—let’s jump in!”

Speaking of jumping in, what degree of pressure did you all feel coming into the second season, knowing how high the expectations were from the show’s incredibly passionate fan base?

I don’t feel pressure from the fans, I just feel unconditional love and acceptance, and I think that the writers room feels that too. We all want it to be good, and we want the storylines to be cool. But it’s less pressure, and more just the level of freedom that it gave us, knowing somebody’s watching. It makes doing all the hard work a joy, because you know it’s going to be appreciated. Some people will have critiques, and that’s fine.

I just know that this—the fan reaction to this show—will be the honor of my career. The fan community is so kind and nice and talented—it's just a good vibe, and it’s been safe and affirming for everyone.

We’re all basking in the glow of the adoration of the show from our fanbase. It’s infectious—when we all get together, it saturates every element of the show, and it's a very special thing for all of us.

Source: The Daily Beast

#rhys darby #ofmd #our flag means death #taika waititi #david jenkins #ofmd s2 spoilers

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foursaints · 6 months

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it makes me insane how it’s like

modern au barty: for the streets, smokes clove cigarettes, screenprints stills from david lynch movies onto raggedy black t shirts, always accompanying his mom on her post-divorce tinder dates to lurk scarily over her shoulder like a big attack dog, listens to juicewrld, gets way too invested in american ninja warrior, got a game of thrones tattoo without watching the show because he thought direwolves looked sick, makes really good blueberry pancakes for all his hookups,

canon barty: experiencing kafka’s metamorphosis every single day inside the broken shell of his imperiused mind

#t #AND GOD! I LOVE HIM #barty crouch jr #barty meta tag

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mrsmiagreer · 1 year

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Favorite Redacted quotes but the list gets longer everytime I find a new one

“And the energizer bunny…Takes a tumble” -Milo

“Is this why you put up with my memes and shit? Because i gotta big dick and a great ass??” - Guy

“WHAT ECHO?!” — ALL OF REDACTED aka echo

“Do you love me?” — Imp!Damien

“Keep his name out of your FUCKING mouth” -Sam

“Laying in comfortable silence, hands roaming lazily betwixt our supine bodies, tracing gentle patterns across supple skin…Yes that was all about my eyes😂” — Guy

“This isn’t like a dog or something. Like normal wolves are big. Shifter wolves are even bigger…and i’m on the bigger end of that too” -David

“Is David being a total groomzilla about your side? Oop— Heard that-” Asher

“But I bet I’d lay down for it” — Vincent

“Make it two” —Sam

“Great deal on a large sausage” —Guy

“Will you marry me, Angel?” —David

“….Isn’t that right??” “Heyyy no tickling!!” — Gavin and Caelum

“No not just yes…say the words…say the whole thing” —Vincent

“Ohh— You are getting close! Hi! Hi baby….I love youuu” —Guy

“We are NOT matching. I am wearing my work clothes, YOU’RE wearing contraband” — David

“someone please get the gentleman a door prize”— Blake

“I was thinking a little less nature documentary and little more battle bots you know like i want you to just fucking SNAP me like a twig😭” -Guy

“No! You can’t tell me I taste good >:(” — Lasko

“Who are you and what have you done with my lover??” — Guy

“I know baby I know” — Milo

“Staaapppp you’re being rude… Yes RUDE you heard me!” —Guy

“…..do it— hmmmMmMmMmm okay okay….That had a little less finesse than i’m used to” —Milo

“You know what wordplay reminds me of? Tounge twisters!! And you know what tongue twisters remind me of? Tongue kissing!! Let’s explore that topic shall we?” —Guy

“The goal is healin me, you can’t be hittin me at the same time” —Milo

“Show me that wagon ya draggin sexy uehh” -Guy

“Who’s that bitch we hate?” — Asher

“Any hole is a goal” — Guy

“Just move your ass…..hmm i didn’t mean to move it quite like that but you’ll get no complaints outta me” —David

“My mouth is good for a lot more than just…talkin” —Milo

“It’s our bedroom….It’s our bed” —Geordi

“Hey Baaaaabyy” —Ollie

“I’ve sat with these feelings long enough to know how to manage them I promise” —Blake

“Call me that one more time and you won’t be able to walk tomorrow” —David

“I cant be another mistake…because it’ll break me” —Blake

“I’m sure seeing him is like….like those healing classes. A nice diversion😊” —President Moore

“Milo…play nice” — Imp!Asher

“You don’t have to order anyone to do it…Just take volunteers” — Imp!Milo

“I just set my fucking curtains on fire” -Damien

“Who taught you how to do healing magic?? A construction worker with a jackhammer?!” —Milo

“You’re taking me so fucking good” —Milo

“I’m trying to get off of you…I don’t wanna crush you” —David

“Awe yeah i often walk into work with shotgun shells in my fucking brief case” —Milo

“I cant read your mind baby” — Vincent

“Welcome home my love. How was your day?” -Gavin

“Park it on me Sweetheart” — Milo

“That does not feel like searching for a key Lovely” —Vincent

“Do i need to set this stuff down or are you gonna behave?” —Vincent

“Yeah, no thinking about work today. Or we’ll come over there and kick your ass” —Milo

“Hey…sorry i’m late” —Blake

“Do I look like i care??” —Blake

“I’m a grown ass man” —Milo

“I DON’T whimper…” —Damien

“You know what we do to…Bad Boyss around here—💀💀💀” —Guy

“Did I really just get drive by kink shamed??!” —Asher

“Awweee poor baby” —Asher

“Keep it in your pants you two. I already mopped this morning😒” —David

“…boop” —Sam

“I don’t want this for you baby” —Milo

“Boot Licker” —Milo

“I’ll always find you” —Avior

“Wexler, Greer is causing problems at the west entrance” — That One Guard😭

“That wasn’t rhetorical. Answer me” —Imp!Damien

“I love you more than human words can convey” —Gavin

“Yes baby” —Gavin

“Ruth Holland are you here? Hello? Hello?” —Milo

“Fuck, bounce on my fucking dick” — Guy

“Moan. They moaned. You moaned.” — Geordi

“Pfftttt hahaha- Okay— WuHwuhWwaA—” — Guy

“This isn’t happening!!” — Ivan

“I don’t like you, and I’m not going to” — Alexis

“Hold still i’ll grab you one of mine” — Milo

“Bad. Worse. Better.” — Vincent

“Go kick that ass….champ? Oh God-” — Lasko

“No can do baby” -Huxley

“I’m just fucking with you” — Sam Collins

“I needa stop saying fuck. Fuck. Sorry. And i needa stop saying sorry. fuck. sorry. FUCK i mean FUCK so— oh fuck😭 Oh my god i am such an idiot” — Lasko

“I wanna touch” — Stranger/Caller/John..?

“Fuck! Fuck me—” — Lasko Moore

“Can I cum on you?” — Milo Greer

“I am not gonna have ants runnin round my house cause of you😭” — Sam Collins

“It is not funny, you FUCK” — Milo Greer

“I’ll spank your ass brat. Not like it’d be the first time. Or the last.” — Milo Greer

“You’ll be safe” — Blake

“Well of course it’s gaudy. I made it” — Gavin

“Shit Darlin. You really weren’t gonna say anything about this?” — Sam Collins

“It’s all good” — Huxley

“I hate to make a guy lose his fuckin’ noodles” — Milo Greer

“Where do you want these fangs baby?” — Sam Collins

“Do you have any idea just how much energy is coming off of you right now?” — Fool!Gavin

“Sorry” —Fool!James

“I gotta go faster before i start…fucking…crying or something😭” — Asher

(I will be updating this list when i find/remember new ones😊)

#redacted asmr #redacted audio #redactedverse #redacted headcanons #redacted shaw pack #redacted solaire clan #redacted damn crew #redacted balance #redacted guy #redacted ollie

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like-apollo · 6 months

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A Funky Friendsgiving

[I thought it would be fun to include some characters from my last story]

You were laying on your back in Anthony's king size bed, as his tan bubble butt was spread across your face. “Don’t be shy babe, eat it up” he said as he was grinding on you, rocking up and down your face causing his hole to move from your nose to your mouth, back and forth. It smelled so bitter yet sweet. “I mean it is Thanksgiving after all.”

The movement was building pressure around his puckered ass and you knew you were trapped. Not that you minded

BBbbbrrRrRAaaaaPppptt

“Ahhhh there you go, baby” he sighed as your tongue pressed against his hole and penetrated deep into his anal canal, causing him to realase more heavy gas down your throat.

PhhFfrttPtt.

“Kiss it for me, babe?” He kept ripping ass while grinding on your open mouth and up your nose. You knew it was the only air you would be breathing tonight but you didn’t care. It was coming from Anthony’s beautiful buttocks and you had no plans to stop…

Earlier that night, you arrived at your friend Christina’s house for a friendsgiving. You had been looking forward to catching up with some good friends that you’ve known since high school. It’s tough to get everyone together being in your 30s now, but you always made it work and it was always worth it.

Even your friend Dante who you hadn’t seen in several months showed up, which was a nice surprise. He brought his father David. His dad was extremely fit and good looking for his age and you couldn’t help but to admire him. Even though he was older, he fit in with everyone and made good company. You happened to notice that Dante and David seemed very close for a father and son. Their energy threw you off at first, but you tried not to read into it too much. Everyone was having a good time, after all.

With such a diverse group of friends, there was an exceptional mix of cuisine: Dante and David brought their delicious Macaroni and Cheese; Noel brought a large platter of brown rice and beans along with a side of cheesy beef empenadas; Anthony brought his home made stuffed shells; Tia made mashed potatoes and a side of brussel sprouts; you brought a broccoli and cheddar fondu; and Christina, being the host, prepared a delicious turkey with a side of gravy and stuffing. There was way more than enough food for the 7 of you.

Everyone was catching up and having a good time. You stepped away to get a beer when suddenly you felt a hand on your shoulder.

“Yo man! Long time no see.” You tunred around to see your friend Anthony. Anthony was tall, handsome guy and he always had your back, even in your earlier school days. Being an extrovert, Anthony now worked in sales and introduced you to a lot of people throughout the years, both friends and colleagues. He was charismatic and always made people feel comfortable, but he was also a great friend. You couldn't help but admire his charm.

“Hey Tony! I was just grabbing a drink.” Tony walked with you to the kitchen as you caught up with each other. You've always had a crush on Anthony, but your friendship never went beyond that. He knew you were gay from the beginning which helped him open up to you when he began exploring his own sexual identity and thoughts about other men, but it was more platonic. Plus he had been living with his boyfriend Alex for over a year now and you cared about his happiness more than anything.

Still, you felt more of an attraction to him tonight and noticed he was talking to you more than any of your friends. Not that you minded, but it was hard to keep your feelings down - literally as your cock jumped in your pants every time he spoke.

After a few drinks, it was time for dinner. You looked in awe at the abundance of a delcious dinner in front of you. Anthony grabbed 2 plates and handed one to you. “Look, so there’s something I wanted to tell you. After my promotion, I was actually able to move out and get a place of my own. It was rough at first, but I’m making it work.”

You didn’t really understand what he meant. Last time you checked, him and Alex were doing well together. “Oh wow. I mean that’s great Tone, but you and Alex already had your own place, no?”

“Yeah, so about that...” Anthony was loading his plate up now. He started with the Mac and Cheese and then added rice and beans. “As you know, me and Alex have gone through our ups and downs in the past.” He was piling up his plate now with turkey, brussel sprouts, 2 empanadas, stuffed shells and mashed potatoes. “We were always able to work through them, but we got into a big argument and there’s just no going back.”

You honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand, you were shocked. I mean, you cared about your friend, but it also low key made you excited knowing that he was single again. But you also wanted to be there for him. “Wow Tony, wait so back up, everything was going good between you and Alex, so what happened?”

“I don’t really know how to tell you man, but“

“Sheesh Tony, the food isn’t going anywhere” he was interrupted by your other good frined Noel, noticing the mountain of dinner on his plate. “I can’t even see the plate underneath!”

“Relax Noel, there’s definitely more than enough food here.” Christina chimed in.

“Yeah, but we all know what happens to Tony’s stomach when he eats too much.” Noel said grinning.

Noel was great guy and he was part of your inner circle back in the day. What he was referring to was Anthony’s lactose intolerance, which you all were familiar with. Even when he took his digestive enzymes, Tony’s gas was heavy and lethal. And dairy just added fuel to the flames. Tonight his plate was full of different cheesy foods in addition to the turkey.

Tony walked over to Noel: “Life’s too short, man.” he turned his back to Noel. “Sometimes you just gotta let loose-”

BbbbBBrrRRppPPttt

“…and live a little” he said as he ripped a booming 7 second fart right on Noel’s plate.

“Come on Tone, that was right on my food!” Noel said frustrated as he walked to the living room. Anthony just gave an evil smirk as he followed behind Noel. Everyone was laughing about it as they went to the living room – well, everyone except for you.

Aside from the potent stench, his fart didn't really phase you. You stood in the kitchen for a moment contemplating what to do. You really wanted to tell Anthony about your feelings tonight, and he just disclosed that he was single now, so you had the freedom to speak on it. Still, as his friend, you wanted to know what happened with Alex. You wanted to talk to him, alone.

Back in the living room, everyone was eating and chatting. Anthony was enjoying his massive plate while chatting with Dante and David. You walked over and sat with them, trying to join in the conversation.

“Man that was a pretty gnarly fart earlier” Dante said with a laugh. “Can’t imagine how bad it’s going to get after dinner.”

“Trust me, it’s gonna keep me up all night.” Dante and David gave each other an interesting look, which you never understood to this day. But your mind was occupied about Anthony to think too much about it.

Anthony finished his plate without saying a word to you. You felt a shift in the energy, as he got up and walked to the bathroom. As the night went on, you caught up with your other friends. You tried to talk to Anthony again but it was as if he ignored you. He was showing you so much attention at the start of the party, so what was going on?

By the end of the night, everyone was saying their goodbyes until it was just you and Anthony. You both decided to leave together and after saying goodbye to Christina, you walked outside in silence.

“I’ve been trying to talk to you all night Tony” you said breaking the silence. “You okay?”

“I’m good man, it was just a little bit uncomfortable earlier” he was finally opening up to you.

“Look, Tony, I’m not sure what happened but you can talk to me about anything.”

He looked at you and took a deep breath, then closed his eyes forcefully as he leaned forward.

BBBbbBBBRrrrRRPPPbbBBUUuuUUUMMMPpppPPPFFfffFTttTTt

He let out a loud, chunky 23-second fart that shook the whole street and set off the neighbor’s car alarm. Even being outside, the smell hit burned the inside of your nostrils as you began coughing.

“Damn Tony, you might wanna check your pants. I was just-“

He interrupted you. “Look I don’t know how to say this, but here it goes: yes, I have some powerful gas. But it’s not for everyone. Alex wasn’t a fan of it. We ended up getting into a huge fight over it. The reason I left is because he couldn’t take it and he wasn’t open to it.” he was looking at the ground now. “He told me it was disgusting…”

“Wow, Tony, I’m so sorry man, I had no idea. I mean it seems a little extreme to break up over farting.” You wanted to tell him more about your feelings, but you were just trying to be there for your friend at this point.

“Well it’s not just about the gas. The thing of it is, I have a kink for farting on other men. I haven't been able to explore that yet. And I wanted to with Alex. He seemed so open minded when we first met and I thought that after so much time he’d be willing to try it” Anthony said, now looking up at you. “And the other thing is, seeing you tonight just made me feel good again. But I didn’t want this to weird you out. I mean I saw how Alex reacted…” It was all making sense now as to why he was ignoring you.

Somehow through the gas, you were extremely turned on. You had never really tried anything with farts before but just the idea of Anthony being so vulnerable in this moment about his deepest desire was turning you on. You didn't understand it but you were open to it.

“Look Tony I gotta be honest with you man. It’s always been you. I’ve always liked you. Yes, your gas is powerful, but that never really bothered me. Actually, if you want, we could try it out sometime…”

He grabbed your hand. “Well hopefully Christina doesn’t mind keeping your car overnight. And we can just tell her you drank too much or something” He said with a laugh. Now Tony was the one getting hard at the thought of farting in your face all night. “Would you wanna come back to my place?”

You couldn’t say no to him. The thought of being with Anthony, who you've known for years, and the thought of taking his beautiful ass just felt right. His stomach was rumbling at this point and he was ready to give you all of his built up gas, and you had no choice but to be there for him.

You made it back to his car. As he puilled out of the driveway, he locked all of the windows.

BrrRRrRRMmpppffffFffFt. The first of many deadly farts erupted and he moaned in relief, hand on his stomach. The smell was intoxicating and you felt your eyes water being trapped in his car. You honestly weren’t sure if you could take it but that was just turning you on more. Not to mention that it was giving Anthony so much pleasure and fulfilling his desires. Your dick was growing in your pants.

You started giving him a belly rub as he drove back to his place. You could feel the bubbling in his guts as he was driving quicker. The combination of all the food he ate was really messing with his stomach.

PffFfFFFFrRUrrrtT His farts kept coming out and shaking his seat. “Ugh babe I have so much gas tonight. I hope you’re ready for it.” The smell was overpowering your mind. You moved your hand down from his stomach and felt his throbbing cock through his pants, which turned you on even more. Good thing Anthony’s house was only a few minutes away.

Tthe smell was overpowering, but you were so turned on being inside in Anthony’s fart cloud and breathing in his gas. It’s like he was conditioning you to fall in love with his funk. He quickly parked and you looked at each other as he kissed you passionately in the midst of his stink. You were both precumming now, as he licked your lips and you felt his tongue inside your mouth. You both made it inside to his room, while he ripped as with each step up the stairs.

You walked in first and he followed, closing the door behind him. You walked over to his bed and he followed. “Baby, you know you’re gonna take all of this ass tonight, right?” he says taking his pants off.

He turned around and you saw his bubble butt busting out of his slacks as he threw them to the wall. He turned around to reveal his 8 inch rock hard cock poking through his underwear. You were staring in awe, dick throbbing as you began to unbutton your own pants when he pushed you back on the bed. He turned around and stood above you.

You saw his beautiful ass pointed out getting closer to your face as his legs straddled each side of your torso. He finished taking your pants off as his ass rested on your face like two firm pillows until he was pressing full weight on your warm face.

Anthony pulled out your dick and jerked you off as he leaned forward . You gripped his waist and pushed his butt farther down onto your face as his cheeks spread further apart in his underwear.

BbBbBBrRRrRoOommMmpppFffttt.

This was the first of his farts that you ever took directly to the face and the smell hit you instantly. You had no choice but to breathe it in and smell his toxic fumes. “Ahhhh fuck baby, having your face on my ass is what I've been waiting for.” Even through his thin briefs, you could still taste the bitter aroma of the enormous plate he ate earlier.

He ascended up giving you a moment of semi-fresh air with the smell of his farts still lingering and pulled down his underwear to reveal his glorious, tan bubble butt. It was slightly hairy and his raw, unwashed crack looked delicious.

You were laying on your back in his king size bed as he spread his bare, tan ass across your face, feeling the rim of his smooth asshole brush up against your mouth. “Don’t be shy babe, eat it up” he said as he was grinding on you, rocking up and down. It smelled so bitter yet sweet. bBBBbruuppPppFfT “I mean it is Thanksgiving after all.”

He was moving his butt up and down your face while your tongue was going in and out of his dirty hole.

BBbbbrrRrRAaaaaPppptt

“Ahhhh there you go, baby” he sighed as your tongue pressed against his hole and penetrated deep into his anal canal, causing him to realase more gas down your throat.

PhhFfrttPtt.

“Kiss it for me, babe?” He kept ripping ass while still grinding on your open mouth and up your nose. You knew it was the only air you would be breathing tonight but you didn’t care. You were in heaven with Anthony, enjoying all his gas.

“Fuuuucckkkkk babe, I hope you weren’t tired tonight, because I have no plans of stopping.” You opened your mouth and planted it around his ass, pushing deeper as he pressed harder on your smothered face.

BRRRrrRrooOommFfrRRooUUmppttTT

“Mmmhhhhh-ugh” Anthony was moaning in pleasure as your entire mouth surrounded his throbbing hole. He ripped more and more ass. You could feel the pressure release from his body as he moaned in relief.

Even though you could barely breathe, you kept licking Anthony’s hole and taking all of his bitter farts, as you felt his warm mouth surround your throbbing cock. You released loads of thick cum down his throat until it overflowed from his mouth. “Nngghhh” You heard a faint strain from above before

BBBBBBBbBBbbbrRRruuUuUMUmNnnNNNMMPPPpPpFfftTTTtttTTsss

The strong pressure from his hole released a violent, meaty eruption of farts that lasted more than 60 seconds, with his toxic fumes releasing directly into your face, forcing you to breathe pure gas. Your vision became blurry until you were unconscious, knocked out by Anthony’s dirty farts.

#gay fart #eproctophilia #fart kink #male farts #gay gas

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amozon28 · 1 year

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ok while i do think the game version of the reunion hits harder, and ive listened to the podcast and totally understand why they did change it, and ive already addressed that in previous post, here i want to make a post where i talk about the aspects of the scene that i really really do like because they are different.

-the way the ellie just screams in absolute terror when Joel grabs her, she has reached her limit, she has relied on her anger to keep her focused during this entire episode and here after what happened with David she is completely shaken and she just cant, so she screams and screams in fear and its heartbreaking

- how because of the brightly lit scene and how the camera focuses on both ellie and joel you see how the moment ellie starts screaming joels face changes, everything happens a bit fast so i missed it on the first watch but on the second watch you can see pedros face go from relief to terror because he knows something’s wrong as she screams for him to get off her.

-gosh how incredible GENTLE joels voice is, its quiet and soft and so so so comforting, how as soon and he gets her to turn around he gently gently gently cups her face, ugh.

-Craig and Neil said this and i agree the stark contrast of the pure white snow against ellies 14 yearold child face absolutely covered in blood thats not hers, just cementing her innocence being ripped from her.

-how ellie cant even string a sentence together, how she doesnt even cry into joels shoulder, how instead of crying she whimpers, how you can almost feel her shaking in his arms? im devastated

-how joel immediately gives her his coat

-how after the hug ellie she doesnt cry in relief instead she looks completely shell shocked, her stare is blank and distant, after fighting and fighting and fighting to stay alive she doesnt have to anymore and so she shuts down because everything she just went through is too much.

while the game version actually makes me tear up and i do wish the show version had let the hug go on a little longer i do really like a lot about this scene, it is beautiful and amazing but it doesnt make me cry. its still incredibly beautiful in its own right tho

#tlou #tlou spoilers #the last of us hbo #the last of us #the last of us spoilers #joel miller #ellie williams #mine

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vintagewildlife · 1 year

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Ram's horn squid (left) and x-ray showing its internal shell (right) By: P. M. David From: Deep Oceans 1971

#ram's horn squid #squid #cephalopod #mollusk #invertebrate #1971 #1970s #P. M. David #Deep Oceans (1971)

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stonedcoldfoxtarot · 1 year

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Which 70’s era Diva do you embody?

From left to right:

Pile 1 Grace Jones -> Pile 2 Kate Bush

Pile 3 David Bowie -> Pile 4 Donna Summer

Pile 1

9oS, AoW, 9oW, 5oW rev, Fool, 3oW, 6oP, 6oC rev, AoC, AoS, Hierophant, 3oW (Star)

Pile 1, despite your outgoing personality, many people would be surprised to learn that you are actually very sensitive and shy. Nevertheless, your fun and loving nature draws people towards you everywhere you go. Here, The Hierophant signifies you may be a Taurus sun, moon or rising and that you tend to express your deep inner world by the way you style your hair and clothes, wear your jewelry or makeup and how you decorate your home. You are naturally creative and never in short supply of a gentle hand to hold onto or a shoulder to lean on when you come out of your shell. People want to know you and be in your presence, as you have an air of glamor about you.

Pile 1, many of you exhibit effortless beauty but you are best known for your kindness and generosity towards others. As you age, your volunteer work and philanthropic efforts may make you a well-known figure in your community; having been through difficult times yourself you give without expecting anything in return. You may have had a rough childhood which motivates you to prevent others from experiencing similar struggles. In fact, your kindness and authenticity is what truly makes you a star in the eyes of many.

And although you may exhibit Diva-like qualities from time to time, you pride yourself on being able to maintain your composure in almost any situation. You also don't allow anyone to take advantage of you and would consider yourself a great judge of character. Many of you can easily identify insincerity and won't hesitate to speak up or call someone out when you feel it’s necessary. On top of that, you are a visionary and forward thinker who uses their creativity to bring in abundance and wealth in all areas of your life. Because of this many people admire and look up to you and you take that responsibility seriously. Pile 1, you possess true star power.

The Diva you embody is the one and only, Cher. Learn more about her incredible life and career, here.

Pile 2

3oP, Tower, Wheel of Fortune, Judgement, 10oP, 6oW, 7oC, 5oW, 9oP, QoS (KoC)

Those of you who chose Pile 2 may have recently left a job or group dynamic to pursue a solo adventure or career, possibly causing a sudden upheaval on your way out the door. However, you didn’t mind the fallout because you now know you were put on this earth for a reason and you will not let anything or anyone stop you from claiming what’s yours in this lifetime. In fact, those who know you Pile 2, would say you dream big but they also say you have the work ethic and talent to back it up. When it's time to take on the competition or show your skills you come alive, blowing others away with the magnitude of power you possess when you’re in your zone. You could have multiple hidden talents especially when it comes to the performing arts or anything pertaining to the written word such as poetry and storytelling, or you may just be highly skilled in many different areas of your life. Whatever your skills, you know you are super talented and have what it takes to go the distance.

At times, because you have numerous talents and capabilities, you might feel paralyzed by the illusion of choice when it comes to your career which can cause you act less quickly and decisively as you normally would. However, once you do make a decision you become ruthless in pursuing your goals to the point where others know to not even bother competing. Additionally, you possess a sharpness and quick wit that some may easily interpret as sly or even cunning, but like most Divas, you mostly prefer the term "strategic." And despite your sharp edges, you also know when to handle people with a sensitive and caring touch, not to manipulate them, but because you genuinely like them enough to show your softer side. As Shrek said, "Ogres [read: Divas] are like onions...We both have layers."

The Diva you embody is Stevie Nicks. Read more about the mystically powerful breakout star of Fleetwood Mac, here.

Pile 3

Sun, 5oC, 9oC, 9oP, QoP, 7oS, Emperor, AoS, 10oS, 7oW, 7oP rev, 4oC (Empress)

If you chose Pile 3, you may be a natural performer who has been on a stage or the center of attention in all of your friend and family groups since you were very young. A lot of you have always felt you were born to stand out…and you are absolutely right! Because of this, you have always held your dreams close to you and worn your heart on your sleeve which makes others want to cheer you on and do anything to see you win. Many people admire your fearlessness and think it’s quite brave and refreshing how you say what you mean and mean what you say. You hold nothing back and it’s why many are drawn to you like a moth to a flame.

You possess a lot of natural charisma, Pile 3, however many of you may have also suffered a lot of losses or setbacks early on in your personal life or career before getting to where you are today. If this is the case, many of you are now either doing well in your careers or well on your way to the top. Your bounce back is always bigger than your setback.

For some of you, there may be some things you’ve done in your past that you are not 100% proud of but at that time you might have felt that you were simply doing what needed to be done. Even though you have a pure and generous spirit and have never deliberately set out to hurt or use others, at the same time you acknowledge you are only human and mistakes happen sometimes. Regardless, you own up to your shortcomings and you are not afraid to be honest and forthcoming about your actions. You are quick to apologize and make things right as you never forget others on your way to the top. If you can, you prefer to bring those you care for alongside with you.

On top of your loving nature, for many of you your ability to be an open book and never let the words or opinions of others bother you is absolutely endearing to everyone you meet. People love that you live your life for yourself, and admire the fact that you are the true embodiment of a Divine Feminine (or masculine). But you don’t let all the praise and attention go to your head. In fact, because you’re so authentic you would be the first to admit you may not always be great with day-to-day worries, commitments or responsibilities because you prefer to focus on the bigger picture. However, rest assured people still love you despite your inability to sometimes come back down to earth with the rest of us😇

The Diva you embody is Dolly Parton. Learn more about the beloved country music star, even by those who hate country music, here.

Pile 4

5oW, 8oC, 2oS, 6oC, Hanged Man, 2oP rev, 2oC, Judgement, Strength, 7oP (KoP)

For many of you, your life story is (or will be) what juicy memoirs and award-winning biopics are made of. You have lived quite a life and have been through the ringer more than once, even if you're still young. And although some of your circumstances have been outside your control, there may have been times when you acted as the dynamite in your own life by possibly letting your temper get the best of you. However, you never let your dynamic emotions get too out of control for too long, preferring instead to channel any negative emotions back into your work. In the past you may have even found strength and creative inspiration during some of the lowest or darkest moments of your life.

On top of your fiery temper, Pile 4, you may the type who finds it hard to walk away from toxic or unfulfilling romantic relationships, even when you know damn well you should. You might deflect when people bring this trait to your attention however, using your ability to love others rather deeply as an excuse for selling yourself short. As a defense mechanism, some of you may attempt to come across to the world as tough and exacting but deep down you are a hopeless romantic at heart and those who sense this may sometimes try to take advantage of you. Some of you may even be dealing with or have recently walked away from someone you had an on-again-off-again connection with due to them never being able to fully give you what you want, as they were too focused on building an empire for themselves instead of a life for the both of you. If this resonates, know that you made the right choice by walking away, as this person was nothing more than a distraction from your goals.

Here, the strength card speaks to one of your greatest star qualities, your inner and outer strength and fortitude. People really admire how you stand strong in your convictions even if you end up standing alone. In extreme circumstances you can even display a bit of stubbornness but being the Diva that you are, you view it as being fiercely determined and ready to win at all costs. When others give up, you stand strong. I’m hearing the lyrics “You’re simply the best. Better than all the rest. Better than anyone, anyone I’ve ever met.” from The Best by Tina Turner. Pile 3, you set a great example for others that hard work and never giving up on your dreams really does pay off in the end.

The Diva you embody is Gloria Gaynor. Learn more about the inspiration to her greatest hit, I Will Survive, here.

Thanks for reading🔮✨

#pac reading #pick a pile #pick a card #pick a picture #intuitive readings #tarot reading #tarot #pick an image #pick a photo #pac tarot #stonedcoldfoxtarot

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