#She makes me feel like a fat slob lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fitness-leo · 5 days

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STARTING STATS AND Q&A

Starting Weight

186.2 LBS

Starting Measurements

33cm Arms

68.5cm Thighs

110cm Hips

107.5cm Tummy

90cm Waist

102cm Breast

General Q&A

What’s your goal weight and measurements?

120 LBs and no general measurement goals. Mainly for them to shrink.

Is this the highest weight you’ve ever been?

Yes 😅 this is the first time I’ve ever been at this weight. Being in a healthy relationship has been wonderful for my mental health, not so great for my physical health 😂

Are you some kinda fat phobic son of a bitch?

Nah. I’m more me-phobic lol. That’s something I’ve put a lot of work into though. I’m really working hard to improve my own image to myself. The way I see me now is as some cringe slob who’s couch locked all day watching baby shows. I’d like to be a pretty princess who goes outside and ALSO watches baby shows.

What do we call you?

Leo or Bun is great. I’m an agoraphobic person at worst and kind of annoying at best, so don’t go expecting any tumblr friendships from my half assed fitness blog. But I’ll happily support your journey if you wanna share and join along side me!

Do you have a fitness plan, trainer, goals…?

I do NOT have a trainer. I am broke and also poor. I have no gym to go to that I can afford currently. All of my workouts are from home. Hell, I did my measurements with a charging cord and a ruler. I am home brewing hard fucking core.

However, I DO have a fitness plan and goals. I have several years of experience in unhealthy weight loss, so I know exactly what Not to do. I am also a biology graduate, so I have a hand of knowledge in physiology to make educated guesses about my fitness journey. All that said, I am so pumped to get suggestions or pro tips from people much smarter than me.

My biggest goal this year is to drop a lot of fat off my body. I would like to trim and shape up to be smaller, lithe, and stronger. I want to be able to dodge cops left and right if necessary.

Ok who’s your ideal body?

Shes just me but smaller anyway 🥺 embarrassed of her own interests, an extreme perfectionist to a fault, lesbian, weeb, workaholic, gets stuck in her head, cares deeply and empathetically for others, and she kicks ass. We’re also both Leos 😎✨

How often do you intend on posting?

Tbh, as much as I feel like. Maybe a few hundred in a day, or once a week. Kinda depends on how difficult things get, or how much I’m willing to show my whole ass online lol.

Do you have plans for after you get to your goal weight?

Hmm, not really. My main goal was to just have even more sex than I already am cuz I’ll definitely be feeling myself more. But…

How about this: When I reach my goal weight, I’ll cosplay Setsuna Yuki. Maybe make it a point to try and cosplay more in general if I can afford it. But I’ll DEFINITELY cosplay her and post it. Maybe even try to do a whole dance video to one of her songs. The latter depends on if I feel pressured by support to do that tho 😂

#fitness #fitblr #setsuna yuki #love live #workout #goals #fitness goals #chatter

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asktesttube · 1 month

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Welcome to the lab!

REQUESTS AND ASK BOX IS OPEN

Things About Me!

No, object shows are not my whole life!!

I love answering asks!. So ask me anything Lol!

I am a multi shipper

I have many art styles so you wont always get the same style-

Im a minor!! (not doing age rev)

I'll do a qna at like I'd say 100 followers?

What I Will Draw/Do

-Non-toxic ships

-Fluff

-comfort ships

-answering asks

-request doodles/drawings

-free backgrounds

-chibi/mini vers of characters if requested

What I Will NOT Do/Draw

-Nsfw/Rule 34 (ew..)

-Child character x adult character (pedophilia...)

-smut

-toxic ships

My Ocs!

Bowtie!11!!1!1!!!!!1!

Personality/facts: jock, a complete dick, charming ig??, simps over beany even tho beany hates him. bowtie is the type to say some dumbass shit and thing his ass is smart. also a short MF.

CBB!!

She use to be JUST blackberry but uh... You can ask her what happened to her I guess, all I'm gonna say is bowtie had something to do with it. Personality/facts: She is like test tube level smart, she loves to draw mostly yin yang for some reason, she is head over heels for peppermint lifesaver NOT A SHIP PEPPERMINT DOESNT FEEL THE SAME WAY, She is one ball of chaos and energy. she loves hanging with her threewheelers squad!! (Her,peppermint lifesaver,and Sophia).

Beany!! (what's that smell?!?!)

Beany is a fat lazy slob person, he does work hard as is the definition of male-wife but his ass doesn't know what a shower or a bath is not what something called deodorant is?? Personality: Lazy, rude (mostly to bowtie), sarcastic, grumpy, dumb.

Peppermint lifesaver!!!11!1!1!!!1!1

He is like the captin of the friendgroup he makes sure Sophia isn't having a heart attack from seeing a ant come too close to her and making sure CBB doesn't blow something up but other than that he is a pretty chill kid. Personality: Rude/bossy (sometimes), chill, relaxed.

Broccoline!!1!1!1! (yes her name is MENT to be spelled wrong.)

they are VERY bad at remembering things, they also fear dating because they think they'll forget about their partner. Personality: clumsy, smart (sometimes),silly goober. I don't have much to say about him because like they don't have much info ig

Sophia!!!1!!1 (she also has lore!!)

sophia is a courageous but also fragile girl, she tends to stick around her friends but mostly CBB even tho CBB challenges her to the most deadliest things ever too 'overcome' her fears. She does have bug wings and four legs because her mother has four arms (no they are not spiders..) Personality: Shy, kind, bold (sometimes),clumsy, silly

Last but not least.. Windle!!!1!1!1!1!!!11!111!!11!!!!!!1

gay dude. I'll just get right into it. Personality: Cocky but in a charming way ig, very gay to the fact bro looks at females and nearly vomits (not sexist that was a joke-), silly guy.

Thats all of them! they are indeed up for asks! or you can just talk to me!

cya jr scientists!!

#intro post #test tube yaps #my ocs #oc art #ocs #object oc #send asks #up for asks

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jonathanrichman · 3 years

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as a fat person, like, thank you so much? i get so aggravated when i see slim girls complain about their fat, talk about how much weight they’ve gained or how big their bellies are when it’s objectively not true. equating that to “oppression olympics” is so wrong lol, like both living in a war zone and having depression sucks. objectively. however, being fat doesn’t HAVE to suck. i dont suffer from my fatness, i suffer from how people perceive it and therefore me. i suffer from disgusted looks i get from strangers, from their remarks, from how people get free passes to discriminate as long as it’s against a fat person. when i see skinny ppl complain abt being fat, all i hear is “being fat is the worst thing you could possibly be” and society proves them right EVERY SINGLE TIME. every time my skinny friend told me she’s fat in my presence, it ruined my self esteem too. it hurts me and i can’t tell anyone because it’s so ingrained in my head that i SHOULD hate myself for being fat, and i do. but again, its not because i’m fat but because society tells me every day that i have no worth and that i’m undesirable.

Yeah of course!

Like....I've been on both ends of the spectrum, and people would not believe how insanely different I would get treated based on how much I weighed even though I was the same person lol.

OBJECTIVELY, IN SOCIETY, being thin is seen as a virtue, and being fat is seen as a personal failure.

And on a personal note, whenever anyone "skinny-shamed" me, I was literally high off the endorphins because I knew it was secretly a compliment lol. I would be internally vibrating with happiness whenever anyone said I was getting "too small". Like being "too thin" means your suffering is beautiful and people want to take care of you and nourish you back to health. Being "too fat" means you're lazy and a slob and you have no self-control.

And you fucking know what? Looking back on it, maybe not consciously, I would complain about being "too fat" when I was thin because I knew people would reassure me that I was thin lol. When fat people complain about being fat, people either agree and go, "yeah that sucks", or compare them to even bigger people and say, "at least you're not as big as XYZ".

Did I feel fat? Yeah, definitely. Did I know that compared to other people I wasn't fat? Also yeah lol. I was just being selfish and thinking about only myself. And I don't have pity for past me for doing that!!!!! I feel bad that I felt fat, but no one made me post about that on tumblr dot com!!!!!!! Or make comments about it in front of my bigger friends!!!!

#weight talk /#eating disorder talk /

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prideprejudce · 4 years

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Thank u for ur post , I especially on tumblr lately have seen dakota johnsons fashion being applauded and im like this is a tshirt and jeans. Im tired of fat women being told they look bad or like slobs when thin women will wear the same thing and be named a fashion queen

there’s like one dakota johnson post circulating on here and twitter that has like 11k notes and everyone is calling her a “fashion icon” or an “fashion inspo” and every picture is like.....her wearing a white t-shirt.....her wearing baggy pants....or her wearing an oversized jumpsuit....it’s like the most basic clothes that anyone can put together and she’s being applauded for it

like don’t get me wrong I’m not saying it’s bad to like her or enjoy her outfits but it always amazes me how easily rich, skinny, and white celebs get patted on the back online for being well.....rich, skinny, and white lol. like people are now obsessing over her house interior too and being like “future house inspo ✨” or “how is she so stylish!!” like guys....she’s rich. the reason that she’s stylish is that she’s rich. she has clothes fitted specifically for her body and probably has professional interior designers to make her house look great. and also the thing is that..she’s always been rich because she’s the daughter of two actors like she is literally built and bred to benefit off of our societies fucked up ideals of beauty and worth

idk celeb stanning is just a slippery slope for me because it is interwoven with classism and i feel like people can easily loose sight of who these people really are and why their life shouldn’t be something we aspire to be because it’s simply not attainable. most of us aren’t born rich, skinny, and white lol

#fatphobia #classism #once again ill swing at the hornets nest #like when people say ‘i wanna be like dakota johnson!!’ im like yeah i would also love to be born wealthy and not have to be in debt yes

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crocgirl420 · 3 years

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end of year question meme

First things first, did you have a good year? better than many people so yeah I guess

How old did you turn this year?......25

Do you feel your age? honestly? yeah. I've been 25 physically and mentally since I was like 12 so we’ll see what happens moving forward

Did your appearance change in anyway? yeah I became a huge fat slob

Post your favorite selfie. no

If you traveled, where did you go? lmao

Which fashion trends did you love? no bras! no pants!

Which fashion trends did you hate? wearing suits to court!

What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible? neon green leggings

What song sums up this year for you? this is me trying by t swift lol

What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then? FOLKLORE BABY

What was your favorite movie of the year? birds of prey was the last movie I saw before lockdown and it was great

Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year? Nicola coughlin!!!!

Favorite new TV show? right now? bridgeton

Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears? oh it’s not new but like...........hardshine

What food did you try for the first time? radishes! they’re good in salsa.

Did you make any big permanent changes this year? more than you could possibly imagine

What was one nice thing you did for someone else? I made my mom a Lady

What was one nice thing you did for yourself? n/a

Did you develop a new obsession? it was fledgling last year, but I got REALLY into plants

Did you vote? duh

Did you move? yeah.........

Did you get a job? DREAM JOB BABEYYYYY

Did you get a pet? I adopted a kitten! wow I can’t believe that was this year. she’s so special

Do you regret not doing anything? nah

Do you regret doing something? hmmmmmmm. in the process of figuring that out. maybe.

Have you done anything that scared you? I'm an insane person and think that doing things that scare you is virtuous so I do it constantly. if it doesn’t scare me it’s not worth doing.

Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days? oh yeah.

Did you lose anyone close to you? I cut ties with my dad lol

Did you fall in love? nope

Did you fall out of love? nope

Did you start a new relationship? I dated a little but it didn’t go anywhere

Did you go through a break up? see above

Did you have to cut ties to someone? see above-er

Who was important to you this year but wasn’t important last year? all of my new colleagues!

Who wasn’t as important to you this year as they were last year? hmm...everyone. this was a year of self discovery and independence and learning to be less codependent in general.

If you could have a do over on one thing you did, would you take it? yes I would re-argue that one discovery motion that was denied

What was the best moment of the year for you? accepting my job!

What was the worst? probably something work related. maybe my first solo bail day when we didn’t finish everyone by the end of the day and the judge decided to hold everyone overnight without the right to bail and explicitly said it was because I was incompetent lol.

Did anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really didn’t? no, I am fundamentally changed

Did anything happen to you that you were sure wouldn’t change you as a person but it did? no

What are you most proud of accomplishing? I haven’t accomplished anything lol

What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior? I'm lazy!

Did your opinion of anyone change for the better? hmmmmmm. I generally assume the best of everyone

Did your opinion of anyone change for worse? YUP

If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year? nope

If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year? n/a

If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do? Who would you go this? lmao

What do you wish for others for the coming year? VACCINATION

What do you wish for yourself? ALSO VACCINATION

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musashi1596 · 7 years

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Even numbers plus 25 (cause 25 is my favorite number lol)

hoo boy, that’s a lot. I’ll stick it under a Read More.

Thanks so much!

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

Of course. I would hate for somebody to be so jaded that they could think they’d never be worth it.

4. Are you in a relationship?

God, I wish

6. Are you single this year?

Man, I’m single every year.

8. Describe your crush

She’s a little shorter than me, raven haired and very animated. Her smile was what first caught my eye really. She also seems really nice.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not really. Physical attraction is only a part of it and that’s all you’re going to get until you start to get to know them.

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

I’ve never been in that position before but I’m not sure what I’d do. I place a very high value on trust.

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

A girl at work who I at least half know the name of but still haven’t beem able to give my number to. See: 8.

16. Do you have any tattoos?

No, I never really settled on a design I liked enough to committ. I don’t mind the idea of them. Strongest draw was the symbol of torment from Planescape: Torment, because of course if I did get a tattoo it would probably be nerdy.

20. Do you shower every day?

No, every other day at most and less if I’m not going outside. Showering every day can be bad for your skin, and mine is particularly sensitive. I’ll still wash and use deoderant though because although it seems pretty common for not showering every day to be a slob punchline, I do care about hygeine. I don’t really sweat very much at all, which helps.

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

I would dearly like that to be the case but no, I sincerely doubt it.

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

I’ll probably still be single in 5 years

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

I would genuinely like nothing more.

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

No.

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Never been in a position to be cheated on. I wouldn’t take kindly to it.

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

No. I’m not happy with my body but any changes I make, I’m doing myself. There’s nothing wrong with getting it, though.

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

All of my love has been unrequited. I’ve never been on the other side.

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

No. Embarrassing at my age I know, but I’m not ashamed of it. As sexually frustrated as I can get, I’m not really interested in casual sex and would prefer to wait for somebody I care about or even just know well than go bang some random nobody after a night out.

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Kinda. I don’t really have any best friends, I’m just not close enough with people, but I did fall in love with a friend at university. She wasn’t interested.

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Not really.

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

No. I’m not opposed to the idea, I enjoy writing and I think I’m pretty decent at poetry. I guess I’m the romantic type. It feels like it would just come off as cringeworthy though.

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

Wouldn’t know.

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

That would be a big fat zero.

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

See above.

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

Depends. Do they know I like them? Is it in response to me telling them? At any rate I feel like it would be along the lines of “Oh. OK.”

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

There’d be nothing to accept. She doesn’t owe me any apology.

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

Most of my friends, really. If I didn’t message first there was no contact.

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

Again, most of my friends. Even though I never seem to be able to get close to any of them, people are important to me.

56. State 8 facts about your body

Geez, I barely know what to say. My face has persistent problems with reddened skin. My hair is longer than the average toddler. I’ve never broken a bone despite my hobbies. I am ambidextrous but my hands don’t have full finger mobility. My joints bend further than normal. I’ve had nail removal surgery on both feet. My penis is of above average size but I’m not big. I have a birth mark on my right thigh.

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

Show I mean something to you, share hobbies, be kind, show interest, have any one of the many physical traits that I’m a sucker for

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

Again, zero. Thank fuck I avoided question 59.

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

Just thinking about this gave me a BSOD

64. What is your definition of cheating?

Keeping an ace up your sleeve.

but seriously, physical or verbal intimacy with someone who isn’t your party.

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

Just look at my display picture.

68. What is your sexual orientation?

Heterosexual. I can appreciate men’s bodies but I’m not interested in doing anything with them.

70. What turns you on?

Years of being single has taught me that this list is effectively infinite

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

“this is absolutely real and your alarm clock isn’t about to go off before you do”

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

There isn’t really anything. It’s not to say I’m not superficial, I am as much as the next person, but I don’t have major preferences. Though on reflection, not having drawn on eyebrows is a good start.

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

That’s not really my place to say. I am told I am thoughtful in my gifts and I do try to be as considerate of people as I can, but what the recipient might see as sweet I can have a hard time seeing it as such for myself.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

Genuinely I don’t really have one. I’m fairly open and don’t keep secrets, people just have to ask the right questions. That’s partly why I really like ask games. I get to talk about stuff I’d never say anything about otherwise.

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Maybe January 2013.

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

I don’t rightly remember but I think it was a colleague at the work Christmas party, who must have been drunk because she hasn’t said two words to me since

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

Not existing is a traditionally large barrier to success.

#fallendawn #asks #me

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cranberrygoon · 7 years

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i tried getting into parks n rec (twice) bc i’d heard it was similar to the office but ive kinda given up bc while the characters are usually nice and likable, there’s times when the narrative glosses over or allows certain things where maybe it’s just me but i really dont like it. the show has some really good jokes but overall... i cant get into it. one of the big things is i dont like how unnecessarily cruel the show treats jerry. i get thats the point but? i still dont like it? and in the episode where the others supposedly ‘learn’ from their mistakes and decide to treat him nicer, it didnt last and it was also treated as if it was oh no such a huge inconvenience and loss

if jerry had been portrayed with bad qualities like, god idk, making gross comments about a teen girl or smth, then yeah by all means treat him like shit. but it just feels like a “being mean to someone literally only because they’re happy with their life”. i just dont find that funny bc the ppl behind it are always super bitter. and if they seem nice, are fake as hell. honestly it reminds me of this phrase i’ve literally heard irl, “i think we all need at least one fat friend so they can make us feel better about ourselves” and honestly u can miss me with that bullshit

another thing i dont like is ann’s character. granted, maybe this all changes and the characters develop but how they act in earlier seasons isnt smth i’m really interested in sitting through. but anyway ann feels like in order to have a ‘proper’ relationship she and her bf need to fight? she didnt like the relationship bc they didnt fight enough? thats absolute bullshit and yeah it’s something she needs to work through but again, im not interested in sitting through this drama that’s also super hetero. im just not a big fan. i’m also not a big fan of april. i feel like we’re supposed to applaud and cheer for her sour attitude and character and it just reminds me of tumblr’s culture awhile ago where it was Cool to be mean and sarcastic lol. this is a specific personal thing but she reminds me of my abusive ex as well bc said ex really liked her and i guess wanted to be like her? idk but Feels Bad Scoob

guess i’ll get into Problematique Stuff now but speaking of super het, i can handle cishet romance stories if theyre handled well but i dont think the show does that? if anything its just not to my liking. Also i didnt appreciate the “i know we look like a lesbian couple but we’re not gay i swear!!” joke lol. im in no way saying the office didnt have its problems, but while michael is really awful i can’t recall his behavior being portrayed as a good thing? or a likable quality or that we’re supposed to like it. it’s obvious he’s obnoxious and can be really bigoted sometimes but everyone else reacts negatively and it’s shown as Bad Thing. and he does change and get better. i haven’t seen it in a while but leslie used to be thought of as like, The Perfect Feminist on here and it kinda feels that’s how we’re supposed to think of her on the show? when she is very much Not lmao. honestly i can’t tell if we’re supposed to admire her aggressive feminism or be annoyed by it. which is another Bad Thing on the writers’ part. i find myself liking andy despite his generic sleazy-white-guy-who’s-a-slob-but-he’s-nice-so-give-him-a-chance! character, probably just bc christ pratt really good at lovable acting and is conventionally attractive

this is just personal preference but i find the main cast of the office more likeable than the main cast of parks n rec. i really like donna and jerry, tom and ron too (i have some issues with their characters but imo they have other redeeming qualities where im able to look past it). but my point about the main casts- to compare, i like pretty much everyone in the office. imo the office feels more neutrally presented to me, while the parks n rec narrative feels more biased

#the office /#parks and rec /#im not looking for discourse this is just why i cant get into the show #not directed at anyone or w/e idk why im thinking of this rn #this got so much longer than i originally intended

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moremercurial · 7 years

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so what i’m about to write may be triggering for a lot of people and also it is going to be L O N G so i’m going to do one of those below the cut deals. if you feel triggered by content relating to weight and/or eating disorders, don’t read! also the things in this post are just my personal feelings about myself and do not reflect how i feel about others/how i think ANYONE should think. xxoo

So anyone here who either knows me well in real life (there are a few of you) or happen to read my personal rants relating to this that I post from time to time in times such as this (1. can’t believe i just said “time” that much, 2. “times such as this” refer to me going through a crisis when everyone i trust deeply is asleep and I NEED to get it out of my system) knows that I have a lot of issues with my body. i am fat. i am not tall and I weigh over 200 pounds and every time i think about it i want to scream.

lately i have had trouble sleeping bc there is a literal voice in my head repeating ‘you’re fat; you’re worthless” over and over and over again. I go to bed full of anxiety and remorse thinking “tomorrow is the day i eat better.” Literally EVERY Single night. And EVERY day without fail i eat something “bad” or outright binge. and the cycle repeats. i am not exaggerating.

i feel like it is because i’m weak. all it would take for me to be thin and feel desirable would just be to not eat the shit i’m eating. AND YET. I DO IT. and then i go to bed feeling angry, wake up determined, lose my resolve, eat something, then anger again. i’m so, so tired of it. i just want to have a normal relationship with food. i just want to live my life and not CONSTANTLY be thinking about food, what i’m going to eat next, how much i’m craving something.

the other thing is i’m feeling increasingly more and more self conscious around my friends. i want to take fun pictures with them but i see the pictures and literally feel ill because they’re concrete proof that i’m fat and unattractive, which sometimes when i have good makeup or am wearing a flattering outfit, i can temporarily will myself to forget.

and being around my thin friends kills me. i have a friend who is gorgeous, thin, pulls off amazing outfits yet INSISTS she’s the ugliest person to walk the earth. my friend who doesn’t work out just walks around the building on break and stays fucking skinny (i ALSO walk around the building on break but i continually get fatter??? so not the best fitness plan for me I guess). i have a friend who is a literal tall, blonde, thin goddess who constantly puts down her own body in front of me. like i get that everyone has body issues and see themselves differently than see others (it’s literally what i’m doing right now lol). but it’s things like when we’re at the gym and she’ll lift her leg up and be like “LOOK at all this cellulite it’s so disgusting” when a. it’s barely visible and b. i won’t ever wear shorts in public anymore, even to the gym bc i don’t want anyone seeing my own. she thinks she’s mortified at her cellulite and LONG faded, barely there, just-from-puberty stretch marks when she walks around in nothing but a sports bra and shorts in front of me while i probably will never let anyone see my stomach in the light again because it’s so hideously scarred from the last three years of getting fat. these aren’t ~proud tiger stripes~ on thick thighs, or from bringing a baby into the world. they never stop growing and are a constant hideous reminder of my own failure. if anyone ever wants to sleep with me again (seems unlikely at this point) i’ll be having sex in total darkness because i can’t bear to have anyone see.

this friend will say things like “i wish i could tuck my shirt into these high waisted jeans, but i need to lose 20 pounds first” like you say that in front of me about yourself........would you say that to me? if i wore a cute tee with jeans and tucked it in, would you say “sarah i can see your belly in those, untuck that right now, you need to lose 20 pounds before you can pull that off?” are you saying no girls your weight and above should be tucking their shirts in? i know she isn’t, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way.

she constantly talks about how she “forgets” to eat, or she’ll say how little she’s eaten as a low-key brag and i just want to descend straight into the earth. everyone at work constantly talks about drinking after work to cope with stress and i feel odd thinking that i never drink alone — until i realize me stuffing my face alone at night is the same concept.

just last night i was out for a fun late-night, post work dinner with her and one of our other thin, beautiful friends and after my meal i was really feelin some pie, because i know this place has good pie. so i order some (with the fucking ice cream because of course). there’s multiple spoons. i ask like three times if they want any; they shake their heads and look at eachother. conversation drops off and they just sit on their side of the booth, staring at me, while i eat the pie. i start to feel really embarrassed; like oh the entree wasn’t enough for the fat girl she just HAS to have her pie, while her two pretty friends sit in front of their unfinished plates and inwardly cluck their tongues. by the time i got halfway through i was basically choking down the pie but i was panicking inwardly and didn’t know how to handle my fear and shame and anxiety besides — surprise!!!! — eating frantically. *insert the dennis reynolds “i’m eating because i’m very uncomfortable” meme here*

yes, i realize that i was just projecting my own feelings onto this situation (please don’t fucking lecture me about that or anything else in this post, for that matter) but i still felt ashamed. sick.

i’ve struggled with bulimia on and off for years but had recently quit purging cold turkey because i didn’t want the throwing up to further damage my throat, as i’m taking singing lessons. but today i couldn’t handle it. something in me cracked. i ordered a massive amount of food from dominos, inhaled it, and then purged. I like solemnly walked to my room, put on chopin, put up my hair, and purged until i literally thought i was going to pass out. i literally still have spots of petechiae all over my face from the strain of vomiting.

i’m just so sad. i’ve been continuously putting on massive amounts of weight for 3 years and I want to scream. i get constantly lectures to “think of my health” as if i WANT to be this way. next week i’m visiting my parents who haven’t seen me since new years (when they put me on weight watchers for the third time which as you’ve probably guess i’ve COMPLETELY failed at using) and i just can’t help but think how disappointed they’ll be that i’m no thinner than I was four months ago. eating in front of them, especially my bird-thin mother, is going to be more torturous than ever. i’m ashamed to see my friends and have them look at me this way. i like wearing cute clothes because it’s like the only thing that makes me feel like i look acceptable enough to be seen in public (because beautiful blonde best friend wears sweats and mom jeans to work and looks amazing but if i, the fatgirl wore them i’d be branded a slob) so i want people to notice THAT but also desperately don’t want to be seen like this. i meticulously do my hair and makeup every day because i feel like if i can make THOSE things look good, maybe people will be fooled into thinking i’m a pretty girl.

everyone is going to see this and tell me “but even if you lose weight you’ll still be unhappy!” and probably so. but I feel so horrible. I need the weight to come off. even when i had low self esteem times in the past i was never at the point where i literally became ashamed to eat in front of friends, go outside without a sweater or shawl even in the texas heat (because god forbid anyone see my horrible tree stump arms), or even THINK about wearing anything that doesn’t completely shield my stomach from view or have an a-line waist. i’ve always thought of myself as “curvy” but now i’m literally just obese and feel nauseated every time i think about it.

i just want to crawl into a hole and do nothing but drink broth until i feel thin again. once again i’m about to go to bed feeling worthless and saying to myself “tomorrow’s the day.” please someone give me the strength to NOT EAT SHIT FOR ONE FUCKING DAY. i could literally solve this problem by NOT spending money and effort. so why do i have it. why why why.

finally, i’ll say it again, this post doesn’t reflect how i feel about other people. i do not think other fat people or people of any size are invalid or unwanted in any way. i don’t see those things when i look at them. but my already increased bad body image mixed with my friends constant comments on themselves when they KNOW they weigh 50-100 pounds less than me, mixed with my failure to sustain any kind of weight loss plan....it’s just all collapsing in on me at once. i just want to feel beautiful and wanted by someone. not beautiful “for a fat girl”, just beautiful. i want my parents not to be “worried about my health” and give me concerned looks. i just want to eat food and not have intense emotions attached to it, just eat food without thinking “this food is a Bad Food” and “i’m being good eating this” as if food has built-in morality.

i want to disappear big time. maybe tomorrow will be the day after all. maybe i’ll eat balanced meals and not carb and cheese loaded Death Plates. i can only keep hoping.

#tw eating disorder #tw weight #those are the only tags i'll put because i did warn everyone and make a cut for this and whatnot #personal #text

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