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sil3ntfr34k · 1 month

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Postal dude 2 boyfriend headcanons

• Mans is RANCID but you still love him <33

• Even with how sassy and sarcastic as he is, he still has a soft spot for you. Isn't very good as showing it, but he does little things here and there to show his love for you

• Y'all probably met during one of his errands his wife made him run, bumping into each other in line while he was getting milk. He was very surprised that someone is actually talking to him and not cussing him out. Y'all chatted it up before you had to pay for your items and leave, leaving him alone once again

• He would be lying if he said he didn't follow you home like some creep to find out where you live so he could 'check-in' on you periodically

• After a handful of conversations and hang outs, he can't seem to stop thinking about you. Even while still married to his current wife, he'd still fantasize about being married to you instead

• He eventually does divorce his bitch wife so he can have a life with you. This doesn't bother the bitch anyway since she was already cheating on him with Mike J,,,

• Once you two start dating you get to see a softer, more gentle side of Dude. Where he was once a crass and inconsiderate, he has become more understanding and loving. He's surprisingly clingy!

• Before you moved in with Dude (or he moves in with you, whatever you like best) he would always hang out at your place anyway. Hell, he'd even bring over Champ just so he could have both his favorite things with him at the same time.

• (Champ is literally his son he gave birth to, no one can tell him otherwise. Sure Dude can be a little mean to Champ, but what parent doesn't get annoyed of their kids now and then??)

• If Dude moved in with you, then Champ gets upgraded to a house dog and no longer has to rough it outside since his bitch ex-wife didn't like pets. Also Dude still has his trailer and all, but it's more of a 'back-up house' or storage.

• No matter if he moved in with you or you moved in with him. he lets you decorate however you'd like. he's pretty adaptable to most environments since he moved around to a lot of different places growing up. Of course he's still messy and smells, but he tries JUST A LIL harder for you

• "Sorry babe, but my crack comes first."

• Please be understanding of this. He's been through a lot and it helps with a lot of his problems. From his chronic pains throughout his body to his schizophrenic episodes, being unsober helps him relax

• Dude is really nervous about telling you about his schizophrenia. His ex-wife always made his episodes worse by yelling at him that he's crazy or something, so he dreads having to tell you. What if you don't understand? What if you get weirded-out and leave him?? What if you start to see him as a burden?? Oh god what is he supposed to do if you want him to leave?????

• Underneath his cocky and confident facade, he's actually incredibly insecure and scared. Even just the tiniest bit of rejection or negative action from you is like this roman empire. He had stopped caring about what his ex-wife thought of him long before the divorce so nothing she did or said really affected him. But you. Your too special to him. He hangs off your every word

• Dates with him are very,,, intimate? Not in the way you might think of, more of in a 'It's just us' way. He's not exactly a people person so he doesn't want to even see other people while on a date with you

• He probably lands on something like a dinner and a show at home or playing some video games while eating all the junk food in the world together. To be fair, there's not exactly a 'nice' area in Paradise, so most couples just stay inside for things like this anyway.

• No matter what y'all end up doing, you better believe you have his undivided attention. All you got do is say the magic word ("now") and he will give it to you on a silver platter

• Even with how good of a boyfriend he seems to be, Dude is NOT Mr. Perfect. Dude has his bad habits and red-flags too.

• During heated arguments Dude can and will throw something at you, might even threaten to kill you tbh. Watch ur step bc that gun is always loaded with the safety off. Doesn't help he's trigger happy too,,,

• Dude also needs his alone time. Yesyesyes he loves you dearly, but the man still needs his space. Isn't afraid to say something like "Hey I gotta go do something, be back babe" and proceed to just lay in bed for 3 hours (Postal Dude bedrotting)

• It's very hard to get Postal Dude to open up about ANYTHING. Like, after being together for 5 years AND being engaged, your barely learning about his strange and very illegal family tree. Come to think of it, you never even knew he had parents. Yea you know he has to have a mom and dad, but you don't know if they're any good or still in his life.

• During a manic/depressive/crack-endued/schizophrenic episode, he makes it very hard for you to be there for him. He doesn't mean to do this, but it's not like can help it. To you, he's just acting-out, but to him, everyone is trying to hurt him and he's not safe anywhere. Suddenly it's like he's a totally different person, constantly running away from you and hiding. Honestly it might be best for you to just wait it out, maybe offer him some comforting words but still stay away.

• Overall, Postal Dude is a bumbling idiot who just wants to feel accepted by someone

#postal dude #postal dude x reader #postal 2 dude #postal game #x reader #postal 2 #postal dude x male reader

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orisquirrelking · 3 months

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do you have any p2 x reader headcanons? 👉👈

P2 dude/reader HCs

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I think that he has one major thing in common with all the other dudes and that is that P2 is a huuuge slug for physical affection. He isn’t subtle about it at all. Ever. Arms will constantly be around your waist, slung over your shoulder, linked with yours.

^^^^ despite this, he always gets flustered when you just simply. Hold his hand. He’ll make a joke along the lines of “Really? Before marriage?” but he’ll tend to stay quiet, (er. Quieter than usual for him, anyways.) because when he starts talking he can’t look you in the eyes and oh god he’s rambling and your finger just twitched and-

We’ve already gone over dates, but let's refresh! He just likes spending time with you. His ex just sent him to go and do things, and while fucking around and shooting up napalm factories was good for his anger management, it got lonely being out 24/7. He’ll wake you up in the middle of the night just to talk, or take you out of work to say hi to Champ on his walk past your office.

PDA? Yes please! P2 will not hesitate to be a little (or, y’know. A lot) handsy in public. Going back to how touchy he is, he wants to be touching you in some way while you’re both out. Lots of little kisses on your hands, arms, forehead, and general facial area. Will gie you his jacket if you’re even slightly cold (doesn’t matter if it’s too big or too small, he’ll drape it over your shoulders either way.)

He’s not much of a jealous type. Other than some solid glares at people who attempt to flirt with you, he’s pretty confident in your relationship. Loves showing you off and talking about you to almost everyone he meets though. He’ll be at the checkout at the Lucky Ganesh yammering about how the two of you are going out later in the day, meanwhile the line is piling up behind him and the cashier is about to blow his brains out.

Withdrawals are a bitch. He’s trying to ease off of the “health pipes,” citing the cost as the reason, but sometimes it’s just too much. Withdrawals dude is a hell of a lot more irritated all the time. He’ll yell (and feel shitty about it) for everyone to shut up, especially if Champ’s barking goes on for too long. He’s grumpy as hell and tends to spend the day on the couch. When he’s at his worst, he just wants to lay on your lap while you massage his scalp. He swears it's magical.

Overall he’s definitely an. Interesting guy to date. Hiding from the cops together has happened more times than you could care to count, but y’all wouldn't have it any other way :)) <3

#oris writes #postal dude x reader #p2 dude x reader

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timidtresleches · 1 month

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i think the idea of postal dude having a house wife/husband/partner is a cute thought but like. one that loves him and is not mean obviously (ie not the bitch). imagine he comes home from nuking a city and his partner is like baaabeee i made u smth **hands him a pie** and hes like ah yes this is why i love coming home again. just mundane affection for him. mwah

alternatively they got him a crack pipe instead and hes like YESSSSS **kisses them** he is so happy either way.

#postal 2 #but can be for the other dudes obvs #postal dude #postal dude x reader #because. thats what was in mind

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napsfork-brainrot · 2 months

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Hallo can you give me some horny stoner hc's of the postal dude (specifically postal 4?? why is he a dilf). Obvs any gender for this request, pretty please and thank you. Hope ur doing well

you bet ur sweet bippy i can do that. and hope ur doing well too!

(NSFW UNDER CUT‼️)

Stoner P4 Dude hcs:

Since Dude is a bit of an older man (at least in Postal 4), I think he would smoke weed as both a recreational thing and a medicinal thing to help with body pain.

One of Dude's favorite activities to do when he gets high is to have sloppy sex with you. It won't even matter what position you're in, whether he's top or bottom, he is down for ANYTHING.

The first time you experienced this was... Well, it was a fuckin TRIP lemme tell ya.

At first, you thought he was just being needy and wanted attention. Touching all on your legs, running his hands through your hair, even leaving hickeys and licks on your neck.

You couldn't even ask him what the fuck he was doing before he suddenly pulled you close to him, the musk of the weed on his breath and the scent of his sweat/nicotine hybrid smell filling your nostrils.

"Hey. We should... We should fuck- like... now, babe."

The MILLISECOND you agree, you are already being dragged to his room with him taking his pants off and shedding his purple robe.

Whatever his usual supplier puts in that stuff makes him an ANIMAL in bed. He's already pretty good in bed without drugs, but when he's on that good shit, he is PLOWING you into that mattress.

A lot of grunting and growling as he thrusts, his hands using your shoulders for support as he pushes deeply into you.

A downside is that he sometimes cums a bit too quickly, but he'll try to keep going until you cum.

Another downside is that he's not as rough as he usually is when it comes to keeping you overstimulated so that you cum even more. When he's sober, he LOVES to hear you whine and beg for him to let you cum. However, when he's buzzed out of his mind, he is way more laid back on this.

This still doesn't stop him from being a bit rough with you (if you want him to be.) He'll still give you light slaps on the ass, pull your hair, maybe even spit in your mouth if you tell him to.

When you both finish, the aftercare is still about the same as when he's sober. He'll get up and get you anything you need, but the minute you say you're okay, he collapses next to you and wraps you in his arms.

He'll say some NASTY shit to you during sex, but the aftercare is a lot of praise and worship. Especially making comments about how he loves every whimper that leaves those precious lips of yours.

teehee :3c

#postal dude #postal #postal dude x reader #postal hcs #postal 4 #p4 dude #x reader

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party-dude · 4 months

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Withdrawal is a bitch.

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Postal Dude x Reader / 18+, Lemon / Suck That Gross Man! / No beta reader or anything like that we raw dog fanfic in this house

I dunno man, he's hot and I'm horny.

The lock to Dude's Trailer turns, the door cracking open and creaking slightly as it moves. Outside the sun beams down and burns the ground below. You wouldn't be surprised to hear if the local stray cats were melting to the pavement today in this heat.

You step inside carrying a few grocery bags; leaving the oppressive heat of Paradise behind you. Mentally thanking whatever higher power exists that Dude's AC is actually working for once.

Humming to yourself, you turn your attention to the small kitchenette area in the trailer, opening up a cabinet and throwing whatever you bought inside.

You promised Dude last week you'd stop by and make dinner sometime, and today you're gonna make good on that promise. Taking in the silence of the place, your humming grows louder before eventually you break out into a full song and dance routine to the music in your head while you finish up. Spinning around the small area, feet tapping on the linoleum.

Suddenly, a bottle whirls by your head and crashes into the wall behind you. You gasp loudly and turn to see Dude, lounging on the couch, peeking out from under a blanket patterned with Krotchy; His brows furrowed in anger.

"Keep it down. Christ..." He grumbles quietly, sitting up and staring at you. He's obviously in a mood. You blink at him in disbelief, your head whipping back and forth from the bottle to his stupid face.

"I thought you'd be out, doing God knows what!? Why are you home?" You speak to him, hand on your chest, trying to stop your heart from failing at the sudden shock.

"Why the hell do you care? It's my fucking place, I should be asking why you're here."

He rises fully, sitting on the couch; turning the small TV on. Staring the thing down and ignoring you now. You catch your breath and take in his appearance.

To be blunt; he looks like shit. Hair matted to his head with grease and sweat, his stubble coming in full and thick. His leg twitches, bouncing up and down on the ground and you see his jaw move. His teeth grinding together.

Realization hits you and you take a few cautious steps towards him, like he's a dog that bites when nervous.

"Withdrawals..?" You ask him, putting on a passive voice trying not to press his buttons further. He glances at you from the side of his glasses, you can see his eyes shift back to the television before he scoffs. "Shut up."

You sigh. Walking over and sitting next to him, far enough to give him some space, just in case he lashes out again . He crosses his arms and ignores you further. You try again. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Just shut up." After a small beat he speaks again adding quickly to his first demand. "Just sit there, and shut up."

You can't help but crack a small smile at his request, if he was in a better mood you'd tease him at the way he wants you to stay close in silence. His tone today is doing something to you. You chide yourself in your head, calling yourself a masochist. Your legs clench together slightly at the harsh words; 'Shut up'.

Deciding against better judgment you lean forward, invading his space slightly. He said to just sit and shut up and that's what you intend to do. You tentatively reach out, a finger hooking around the top of his jeans, reaching a thumb down and grabbing the fabric, pulling and undoing the button quickly.

His head snaps to you in attention. "What the hell are you doing?"

You shrug. Leaning in more, wrapping your fingers around the zipper and pulling it down. His breath hitches and his arms uncross, grabbing onto the cushions next to him.

You fall to your knees to the cold, dirty floor below and you teeter to the front of him. Looking up at him, raising an eyebrow in silent questioning. His face dusts with a blush and he grits his teeth in defiance a bit before he raises and lets you tug the waist of his pants and boxers down to his mid thigh.

You grin at him. His bitchy attitude staying even though you're about to blow him is adorable to see. You lean forward, spitting into your hand.

You take him in your hands, tugging and lubing his cock up, watching as he groans and lets his head fall back. He swears to himself and his nails tighten into the cushions, digging into the fabric.

Once he's hard enough and at attention, you lean in and pop his head into your mouth, giving the slit a small lick, tasting the precum and making him whine.

"F-fuck!" His voice echoes, falling in with the noise of the TV behind you. You take him deeper, he's not that big; modest at best, so you take him easily. Getting into a good rhythm to make him whine and moan in ways that make you clench your legs together to try and control yourself. Speeding up, you whine when you feel one of his heavy hands wrap into your hair, knotting it into a handle to push you deeper onto him. He growls, thrusting up into your face, practically skull fucking you now.

You adjust quickly, moaning and looking up to him for approval. His glasses have slid down his nose a bit and his green eyes peer at you, full of lust and desire. He laughs and coos at you, teasingly. "Awh, mouth full? You're doing so well. You were made to suck this cock, weren't you?"

His voice makes your eyes roll and you whine against him, the vibrations making him groan again. "Fuck, Babe. Right there, keep going! I'm close. You - ah! You better fucking s-swallow too!"

Like you had a choice. He tightens his grip on your hair, holding you down while he finishes down your throat. You gag for a moment, leaning back off him when he's done and swallow; gasping for air.

"You asshole! I nearly drowned." You whine and frown up at him, wiping your mouth and catching your breath.

He looks at you unamused and with indifference, breathing heavily, coming down from the high he just had. He tucks himself back into his pants and reaches up fixing his glasses. He leans his head back, sighing up at the ceiling, his jaw clenches again.

You sigh, thinking of him like an animal that needs put out of its misery.

"Come on. I'll buy you some this time." His head snaps up to look at you, before breaking out into a shit eating grin.

"Fuck yeah!"

He stands quickly and grabs your arm pulling you off the ground and out the door.

#Postal Dude x Reader #Postal #Postal Dude #x reader #postal 2 #dude fics

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derangedmoth97 · 14 days

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Postal Dude x Reader but you're the voice in his head telling him what to do.

#meta #postal game #postal dude #postal dude x reader

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hals-homo-blog · 16 days

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Giving Postal 2 Dude a Bath

P2 Bath Anon I hope you see this. I thought your idea was really cute and I wanted to do some nice hcs of my own for it q v q I really hope you see this. I see you, you are funny and nice and ily. (/pla)

HE’S FUCKIGN STINKY! The stink had CROSSED the line, and Reader needs that man warshed NNNNOWWWW‼️‼️

Really, it depends how close you two are, how deep into the relationship you are, etc :3c Earlier on? Good luck, he’s not gonna have anything to do with that. He’s still gonna be mostly closed off from having the previous relationship be So Very Shitty.

Later on, though? After you’ve been together a few years? After he trusts you and is more comfortable with you? I think he would begrudgingly allow it. He knows he reeks to high heaven and something needs to be done about it. Your nudging about it would push him over the edge to Just get it Over with.

You’ll have better luck if you propose the idea of bathing together as opposed to just you giving him a bath like a Stinky Dog :3c however Stinky and Dog-like he may be. You had better believe he’s gonna be naughty about it >:3c Thats prolly why he agreed in the first place. The water ain’t the only thing that’s gonna be steamy in there. >:3c

You would definitely have the best luck if he was stoned or drunk or otherwise altered. He’s already looking to feel good, hence being altered, and the nice hot water with your fingers massaging the shampoo into his scalp, giving him lots of attention, definitely fits the bill.

Ok, as for Not High and Not Sexy, he’s still hesitant about it, like the previous writer mentioned, he is a grown-ass man I can see it being like those classic cartoon cat-baths where he wedges his limbs against the tub so he doesn’t get wet.

He very well may bite you, Anon. >:3c Don’t scrub too hard or let the soap get in his eyes (The sunglasses stay ON during bath time 😤) otherwise it’s a one way ticket to Chomp Town. I hope you had your rabies vaccination, pookie. <3

I think it would be a nice, intimate thing in the end, building trust, deepening the relationship, showing Dude that you’re different, this relationship is different and that this sort of vulnerability is ok.

Enjoy Clean Dude while he lasts, because you’re not coaxing him back in there for a loooong time. Dude is stinky, that is his natural state, he will soon return to it and bring balance back to the universe.

BONUS HEADCANON: From my good friend @spiderh0rse, if he’s Stinky and Doglike, HIT HIM WITH THE HOSE!!

Somebody has drawn this meme with the Dude, right? Surely. Surely someone has, I feel like I’ve seen it lol.

Hhh I hope you enjoy!! I haven’t really done a headcanons thingy like this before, so I hope it came out ok.

I mean no disrespect to the writer who was originally given this prompt q v q I just thought there were a lot of funny and sweet story opportunities that were missed out on, and I wanted to explore them a bit. I apologize if my making this comes off as rude or mean 🙏 /gen

I do think the Dude is capable of tenderness and/or non-sexual intimacy, it just takes a lot, a LOT, more work to get there for the s/o, y/n, reader, etc.

#Postal #Postal 2 #Postal Dude #Postal 2 Dude #X Reader #Postal Headcanons #Postal 2 Dude Headcanons #Postal Dude x Reader #Postal 2 Dude x Reader #Dude x Reader #idk whatall tags to use tbh q v q #Hal’s Homo Headcanons #lol

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snowy-nostalgia · 4 months

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Postal 1 Dude x Reader headcanons part 2

- Kisses the back of your neck a lot, usually when you’re doing something or in your own world

- He does it to remind you he’s there

- Tries to get your attention a lot, he’s pretty insecure sometimes

- LOVES to praise and be praised, especially the latter (Again, he’s pretty insecure)

- He usually finds someway to touch you, like playing with your hair or holding your hand

- Gets jealous REALLY easily, but he’s gotten good at hiding it

- He doesn’t try to separate you from others, but he does make up excuses for you to spend time together

- He’ll pretend to be sick to get your attention, nine times out of ten he’s healthy, he just wants to give you a reason to take care of him

- On a related note, he will take care of you when you’re sick, but he gets really paranoid that it’s the worst case scenario, so he’ll be extremely attentive to you. He doesn’t care that he might catch what you have, he’ll cuddle up in bed with you because he’s paranoid about something happening to you.

- Will most definitely kill for you if he hasn’t already. You might not want him to but he doesn’t really care. His philosophy is “No one hurts my soulmate, no one.” You might never find out if he does, he’s good at hiding things.

#snowysfics #yeah random comeback I know #postal dude #postal 1 dude #postal dude x reader #postal 1 #postal 1997 #headcanons

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rikaluver · 5 months

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Joy Ride - Postal Dude x AFAB Reader

Genre - Smut

This is an old fic of mine, you can find it on AO3 but I don't know where since it was on my old account...Anyways, enjoy!!

The heat hits you like a wave. The sun beats down relentlessly from a cloudless sky, casting everything in a harsh, unyielding light. The gas station is a low-slung building, its faded yellow and red paint peeling in the desert sun.

You get closer and spot a tall man in a tattered black trench coat loitering near the pumps. He’s got a scruffy goatee and a wild look in his eye, and he seems to be muttering to himself as he paces back and forth.

Freak, you think to yourself.

You push open the door, and a blast of cool air washes over you, providing a welcome respite from the scorching desert heat. It’s dimly lit inside, with rows of shelves stocked with snacks, drinks, and other random shit. There’s one other customer inside—an older man. He’s standing by idly, not looking at anything or buying anything. It’s like he’s not even there.

You make your way to the back of the store, grabbing a few snacks and some beer (a lot of it). There isn’t much to do around in this ghost town; you spend most of your time getting drunk or high. As you return to the store's front, you notice a display of souvenirs near the register. Postcards with the Grand Canyon, refrigerator magnets, random shit with the state flag plastered on it, you name it.

The cashier appears disconnected, staring blankly ahead and barely acknowledging your presence. As rude as it is, you snap your fingers before him to get his attention. He blinks slowly and looks at you vacantly before scanning your items. He’s moving in slow motions as if operating on autopilot.

You don’t bother to make small talk; you know he’ll give one-word responses, not registering your words. It’s always the same with the people in Paradise. They’re like zombies.

You finish paying and gathering your belongings, though you can’t help but feel a bit of unease.

You feel the warm sun on your skin and the desert air in your lungs the moment you step outside. You shield your eyes from the sun's rays, waiting for your eyes to adjust.

The people in this town stick around one place, and you rarely see them anywhere else, so when you see the guy there when you entered, smoking, it’s not a surprise. You know everyone’s face (not that there are many people, to begin with), but you can’t recognize this guy. You’re unsure if you’ve ever seen him outside, and you’d undoubtedly remember him considering his height (he’s got to be 6’5” at least).

He spots you after a while and quickly stubs his cigarette out before walking up to you.

“You’re not one of the contaminated ones, I can tell.”

“Jesus, dude, what?”

A manic grin spreads across his face, “You’ve noticed it, haven’t you?”

You take a step back, feeling a bit uneasy. The man in front of you seems like he’s on something. And, unlike everybody else in the town, you can’t tell what his next move will be.

“There’s something in the air infecting everyone in Paradise. You and I are the only uninfected people left in this town.”

You scoff and push past him, making your way back home. You were right to think he was a freak when you first saw him. As animated as he may be, he’s still one of the crazy people around here.

Are you the only one with a functioning brain around?

The man grabs your shoulder and turns you around effortlessly, griping you too firmly. Not only was he abnormally tall, but he was also abnormally strong.

“I know. I know what you’re thinking—you think I’m one of them, right? Different but still crazy, yeah?” His eyes flicker between you and whatever’s behind you (you know there’s nothing and no one behind you). The look in his eyes is one of a man on the edge, teetering between madness and despair. “You can trust me, though. I thought the same when I saw you,” he punctuates each word, his grip tightening.

You feel a sharp jolt of pain through your muscles; the shit he’s saying goes in one ear and out the other. You need him to let go. The pressure is intense, and it feels like his fingers are digging deep into your flesh, leaving a mark you can feel long after he’s released his hold.

“Yeahyeahyeah, you’re right, now let me go!” Your voice comes out more desperate than you’d like it to.

Realizing that he may have been too forceful, the man quickly lets go of your shoulder. “Sorry,” he says, a note of concern in his deep voice. “You’re willing to hear me out though, right?”

You nod, rubbing your shoulder to soothe the soreness, not considering what you just agreed to. And before you know it, the man’s taking you to his house. He introduces himself as Postal Dude. You’re not sure why he’s using a fake name if, apparently, you two are the only ordinary people around.

As you approach his home, you see it’s in disarray, with broken furniture and discarded items strewed outside. It seems The Dude has been living in survival mode, making do with whatever he can salvage.

It’s no wonder you’ve never seen him around.

Once inside, Postal Dude leads you to a small, makeshift living room with only a few small lamps providing light, a worn-out couch, and a rickety table that needs to be flipped back up. You sit on the couch (the only “clean” place) and look at his living conditions. The walls are bare, and the floors are made of old, creaky wood planks that groan at any pressure applied. Stacks of newspapers, empty beer bottles, and discarded food wrappers are piled up in the room's corners. There are a few personal touches here and there, a well-arranged collection of….weapons on a nearby shelf, an old game console (he doesn’t have a TV), and porno magazines! How homely!

He doesn’t sit down with you. He, instead, walks over to the window, peering out anxiously through the blinds. His posture is tense, and you can tell he’s on edge. Jesus, you can practically see the fear and anxiety emanating from him, and you wonder what he’s looking for. You assume the “infection” must make him paranoid and attentive, always looking for potential threats.

“You okay?” you ask cautiously.

After a few moments, he turns back to you, his expression still serious. “We need to be careful,” his voice is low and urgent.

“Uh, yeah, for sure,” you fiddle with your bag. Maybe drinking might get him to calm down (and break the silence). You take out a can of beer, you’re shocked the thing’s still cold, and hold it out to him. “Want one?”

He doesn’t reply but walks back to the couch and grabs the beer you’re offering. You watch as he cracks open a can and chugs it down like it's nothing; he lets out a satisfied sigh and sits down next to you. He seems more at ease. He grabs another from the bag, cracks it open, only taking a sip this time, and begins to ramble about the supposed infection. His tone is urgent; his words spill out quickly as if he's been waiting for someone to talk to about this for a long time.

“It's crazy out there, you know,” he says, taking a swig of his beer. “People are turning into these—these things. I don’t even know what to call them.”

You nod, taking in his words. It’s clear now that Postal Dude is fucking mental. But hey, he’s the most exciting thing around town and will have an actual conversation with you, so you decide to humor him.

"Have you seen them?"

“Yeah, all over the place, they’re slow but fuckin’ insane. If I ever let one catch me, I probably wouldn’t be here to help you. You’ve seen them too.”

“I have?”

"Yeah, back at the gas station. Two of them." He drinks the rest of his beer and goes on a tangent about…stages and stuff…to explain the ones you encountered. You give up on trying to keep track a couple of words in, and the guy talks for what feels like forever. You start chugging beers with him to cope with the total bullshit he's spewing. Nothing he's saying makes sense. You're surprised you didn't see any comic books about aliens invading Earth lying around. His imagination is way too active. Or he's delusional. He's mistaking everyday citizens who work tirelessly for people infected and trying to kill him. It's safe to say you don't believe a single word coming out of his mouth. Though, you're having fun listening to him talk.

The Dude’s voice is deep and gravelly; he speaks in a low, measured tone, as if every word is carefully chosen for maximum impact. Even when he’s slurring his words right now, you like it. When he finally finishes his deviation, you realize how much you miss hearing him talk.

His voice isn’t the only thing you like about him. A middle-aged man with a rugged appearance isn’t exactly who you’d go after, but his looks are eye-catching. His hair’s unkept and greasy, falling in messy strands around his face. His deep-set green eyes draw you in. In fact, he’s one of the few good-looking men in Paradise. Or you’d assume you never paid attention to looks (or sanity). Dick size was the only thing that mattered.

And speaking of dick size…

“So…what do I do?”

He slurs something you presume to be a ‘what?’

“About them going mad and attacking me, what do I do about that?”

“Fight back.” You know the question’s stupid, and so does he, chuckling a little under his breath. “If you'd let me, I don’t mind showing you a thing or two.”

He explains some basic self-defense techniques, stuff you already know. The more he talks, the more excited you get. Something about his voice hits you hard, deep in your gut. It might be the alcohol. Who cares what it is, though?

You lean in closer, catching his lips with yours in a slow kiss. He returns the kiss in a far less passive fashion. He doesn't wait for you to acclimatize to his kiss's more aggressive tempo, brushing his tongue over your lip eagerly. The subtle taste of alcohol lingers on his lips. When he opens his mouth, and his tongue meets yours, the citrusy, bitter flavor is intensified tenfold. You groan, pushing further into the kiss. Postal Dude seems more than pleased to indulge you, playing along with your lead while his hands wander and grope at whatever’s most readily available. Down they go, over your back and shoulders to cup your ass, twisting around to knead and stroke your thighs and hips. It's as if he can't decide which part of you was the most enticing.

After some time, he wraps his hands around your waist and hoists you onto his thigh. You only now realize how tall he is; you guessed he was 6’5” at first, but he’s humongous. So is the tent in his pants!

Your hands trail down between the two of you and unbutton his trousers, and at the sight of his undergarments, you sort of raise an eyebrow. You brush your fingers against the tip of his crotch, and he lets out a hitched breath against your lips.

“You got a condom?” He pulls away from your lips and trails kisses on your collarbone.

You whimper slightly at the contact, “no…is that a deal breaker for you?”

He sighs and mumbles a “yeah” against your shoulder.

“Hey, it’s fine, man,” you shuffle him off your shoulder a bit. When he looks up at you, you raise your hand to his face, cupping his neck and rubbing your thumb under his jaw. “If you won’t fuck me without a condom, I’m down with giving you head or a handjob.”

Postal Dude considers it for a brief second before his face bores the dejected expression it did a minute ago.

“Orrr…” you trail off.

“Or?”

“Or I could ride your thigh while you jerk off.”

That’s an idea that sticks with him. He’s not comfortable letting anyone around his junk. If he’s ever had anyone around his junk, that is.

You watch as he takes himself out of his boxers. You gawk at the sheer size of his dick before taking it all in. It suits a man his height.

You're somewhat grateful neither of you had condoms on you; there's no way you could fit that all in you. Well, maybe you could, but you'd end up in the hospital.

Words can't express how badly you'd love to touch it (whore). But alas, you can't. Gotta respect boundaries.

As he begins touching himself, you find yourself (metaphorically) drooling at the sight. It's, like, really hot. He pants and lets out soft whines occasionally, and you eat up every part of it. After a bit, you realize you're just staring at him and not fulfilling your end of the deal (plus, you're horny as fuck, and you have to take care of that too). You start your movements on his thigh, nice and slow. You let yourself enjoy how good it feels to grind against him, albeit embarrassing. His eyes are on you, and you can't tell if he's judging you or what, but he's undoubtedly enjoying it if the way he thrusts up into his hand is any indication.

It's humiliating.

It's exciting.

With a slight struggle, you wrap your arms around his neck and get closer for a quick peck on the lips.

The “supposed” peck quickly turns to making out, and one of your hands rests on his head, not keeping him there, just finding a more comfortable position. Without realizing it, your fingers run through his ginger hair, and he whines into your mouth, leaning further into the kiss.

You pet him some more, and his hips buck into his hand each time, giving you more pleasure. It’s embarrassing for him but extremely arousing for you.

After a while, you pick up the pace against his thigh. You vibrate as he fucks his hand, admiring how you look. It’s disgusting but oh-so intoxicating. You pant into each other, verging on each other's climaxes. The Dude cums first with a breathless grunt, and you follow, wetting his thigh.

#postal #postal dude x reader #postal 1 #postal writing #creative writing #writing #fanfic #fanficiton #ao3 author

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lunatic-pudge · 1 month

Text

Aftercare with Postal Dude

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(Requested by The Cat Returns)

Slight NSFW

I got some TF2 stuff I need to work on so expect to see that soon!

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-Oh boy oh boy, the things I'd let this man do to me and the things I'd do to him

-In the beginning of the relationship, Dude wasn't the best with aftercare. Usually he'd just wipe you both off and pass out for a while, but as time goes on, he'd start to get better

-You'll need to show him how you like to be cared for after having some "fun" time with him.

-He'll clean you up, gently cleaning off all the sweat and fluids off of you, asking if you need anything to eat or drink. He'll even ask if you wanna soak in the tub together. He wants to make sure all your needs are met before he gets to be a cuddle bug

-He becomes so affectionate afterwards. He'll be clinging onto you like his life depends on it. He doesn't care that you two were just at it like rabbits not long ago, the man needs his cuddles!

-If for some reason, you got any wounds on you from what had happened, he'll make sure to clean the wounds and bandage them up if they needed bandaged. He'll make sure to give extra love to said wounds, giving them delictate kisses, trying to avoid causing you any pain

-Lord, the way he'd be praising you as well? Saying how amzing you are and how much he loves you. This man will never have anything bad to say about you. He worships the ground you walk on everyday, 27/7 365

-Absolutely melts when love all over him. When you're the one cleaning him up, asking if he needs anything, if he's okay, praising and loving him. He can't get enough of you. He wonders how he got so lucky to have you in his life. He loves when you pamper him

#postal #postal dude #postal dude x reader

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sil3ntfr34k · 1 month

Note

orr p1/p4 as platonic comforting thing…

Platonic!P1 Dude and P4 Dude Comforting Headcanons

(Also matching gifs this is so cool)

Postal 1 Dude

He’s actually the worst person to comfort you. WILL make it worse

Even if your anxious about just going to the grocery store because you don’t feel like socializing, he’s trying to convince you that something bad is going to happen and now you can never go to store at all

“I don’t feel like going…” “Whatdayamean?? Why don’t you want to go? You always wanna go somewhere, what if something is going to happen? It’s waiting for its moment to strike you, to take you from this world. No! You can’t go anymore! Just stay here, it’s safest here than being out there with those… vermin.”

Somehow, he’s spiraling before you,,, He doesn’t even know what the hell is going on, yet he’s in the corner facing the wall and hugging his knees

If it’s really bad, like your having a trauma response kind of bad, he’s making it worse. You could be hyperventilating on the floor, shaking and all, and he will be there crying over your body like your actually dying

Sometimes it feels like he makes it about himself, but it’s just that his anxiety is that bad

Postal 4 Dude

“What the hell is wrong with you🤨⁉️”

Has no idea what’s going on, ever

Has a mini heart attack when he sees you upset and immediately bombards you with questions. “What’s wrong? What happened? Why are you upset? Was it that asshat down the street? Because he was fucking with me yesterday too. I’ll kill him for you I swea-“

You gotta hit him with something soft to shut him up bc he will yap until you forget what the hell you were upset about

If it’s something like a trauma response or panic attack, Dude tries his best to be there but also be at a distance. He read one somewhere that it’s best to give someone who’s having an attack space and to just ‘watch’ over them. It still kills him inside to see you like that, but he knows he can’t do much to help

If he can, Dude will make Champ go sit with you. He’s seen service dogs do that before so in his head it’s a good idea. Until Champ is trying to play with you and is trying to knock you over,,,

Cue Dude dragging Champ back again by the collar, poor guy,,,

Afterwards, he will most definitely try to pry what’s wrong out of you, even if it’s something personal. It’s not that he’s trying to butt into your personal life or make you uncomfortable, he’s just concerned (and curious. What the hell could’ve made you act out like that???)

Overall, he’s okay to go to for comfort, but definitely not the one you should be going to for that. Unless you wanna get incredibly high or drunk (or both) afterwards as a compensation

#postal #x reader #p1 dude #postal x male reader #postal dude x male reader #postal headcanons #postal 4 #postal game #postal x reader #postal dude x reader #postal dude

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orisquirrelking · 3 months

Note

Loved the Dude kissing headcanons, I was twirling my hair the entire time and kicking my feet🤭

What's the ideal date for each Dude?

Ideal Dates for each Dude!

Congrats everybody btw. movie dude is now part of the full roster!

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P1/Redux

You’d think that he would prefer to stay inside all of the time, but you’d be incorrect. P1 is a big fan of what he likes to call “Real Nature,” where it’s just you, him, and the elements. He prefers the quiet compared to the bustling of the city, it helps him focus. He’ll bring a picnic set with a mat, utensils, the whole shebang! He isn’t the best cook but he’ll throw together a few cold-cut sandwiches for the two of you to snack on while he talks to you about everything and nothing, just content that you’re there and listening.

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Oh, he has NOT dated since his (ex) wife. Not much for fanciness, though if that’s what you’re into he’ll begrudgingly take a shower and throw on some (stolen) nicer clothes. P2 will probably take you somewhere he himself enjoys. It’s his way of saying “I give a shit!” P2 loves it most when you just kind of.. exist with him. Walking champ? Washing the dishes? Autism be damned, he’s working the grill? Dude just wants you near him, even if that means binging shitty reruns in his trailer.

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Dates? He’s got them planned down to a T. Doesn’t mean they’re going to be the greatest, but it does mean that he’s daydreaming about places he can take you. He’s generally very aloof about dates, often just showing up at your door, gesturing to his shitty car. P3 loves taking you to new places the most, genuinely enjoying the surprised and delighted expressions on your face as he pulls up to weirder and wilder places. He just really likes spoiling you, and if he can, he will.

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P4’s ideal date is going to your place and taking a nap. I'm serious! P4 is big on touching, and whatever gets him closer to you is ideal to him. He loves planning movie dates with you at home, where the two of you put on a shitty comedy and lay on the couch together, his head in your lap. He just wants you to play with his hair as he narrates everything he hates about grown ups, or how he hates the uncanniness of old cg animation. He just likes being inside and cozy sometimes.

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BD/Alt Dude

These two cannot agree on a proper date for you for the LIFE (lives?) of them. BD’s ideal date doesn’t include the other dude, and vice versa. And yet, somehow, they make it work. Ish. Well, not really. Their ideal dates that don’t involve each other respectively are a night out at a club (Alt) and dinner and a movie (BD.) They begrudgingly compromise whenever you (Semi) jokingly threaten to leave and go home, and the three of you settle for cooking together. They wouldn’t admit it, but they like this much better than going out.

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Movie Dude

Oh this man is an absolute SAP. bar the “I blew up Paradise” incident, he’s an absolute sweetheart. He loves diner dates, where the two of you can pop into the same almost run-down hole in the wall diner and everybody automatically knows your order. He’s going to be corny with the way he asks you to go out though, no simple texts or phone calls for you. Many times you’ve awoken from a midday nap to your phone ringing, the voice message simply saying “look outside!” and a very enthusiastic dude holding some slightly wilted flowers, throwing small rocks at your windows.

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#oris writes #postal dude x reader

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