/

Firstly i dont think she adjusted since moving to the UK what do u think?

And secondly this post feels that its all about her again like and the character is based on her in real life but the project was longed talk about in 2017 as michael said on the Graham norton show to which michael was with Sarah at that point. It's again trying to be the centre of attention again and stay irrelevant just cos she not getting it from michael

What ur thoughts on this recent of post of Al

So, apologies that it took me all week to answer this--I feel like the entirety of the month of February has just caught up with me, which essentially feels like a lot of tiredness hitting all at once.

I did see this on Monday, however, and I just...am again at something of a loss. I got a bit down on myself over my response to her Insta story from the first preview of Nye and thinking I was overreacting/reading too much into things...and then this happens.

The first thing I would say is that I agree with you that AL is making it all about her again. The post itself comes across as PR, which it likely was because Georgia also shared the same clip that day--albeit with a caption that was actually about Michael/centered on the show. And the contrast becomes even more stark when you look at this post from Caroline Sheen. Caroline is Michael's cousin and she had a small role in The Way, and her post is much more personal and essentially what you would expect from someone who is close to someone in the production. Which subsequently makes AL's post look even more like PR in comparison.

But I think what irritates me the most about Anna's post is that it's yet another instance of her making a dig at Wales. Talking of patterns as I tend to do, she did this previously in September of last year (the #FromManhattantoTonypandy hashtag), and in both of these cases it's her reminding everyone of where she lived before, and likely where she still wishes she lived. In thinking of your initial question, AL may have adjusted to Wales in some ways, but it's clearly not where she belongs or thinks she belongs. I've written previously on my blog about her likely thinking she would be living the celebrity life in New York or London, and Wales was almost certainly a place she didn't even know existed until Michael. So this entire post feels like it's tinged with passive-aggressive resentment as a result.

Let me be clear: In no way do I think that moving to a new country is an easy thing, and it is more than understandable that someone might not love every single thing about the place in which they live, especially if they are an outsider coming from a completely different culture. But the thing is, The Way is literally about Wales. It is entirely focused on Welsh identity and history, and it is a project into which Michael has poured a tremendous amount of his passion and energy and time, which speaks to what you mentioned about him talking about this since 2017.

Why, then, would you make such a snarky comment on a post promoting a show so centered on Wales? That your own partner directed, no less? At best, it comes across as thoughtless and self-centered, and at worst, as deliberately disrespectful.

I can also fully understand why Michael put out a tweet of his own promoting the second episode less than an hour after Anna posted that story. If we are to say that Georgia is a good representative for David on social media--which she arguably is, most of the time--then Anna, by contrast, is the worst possible representative for Michael. And a post like the one above only further highlights how mismatched and wrong for each other they truly are. I also think it's pained him to refrain from tweeting for this long, and now he finally has a reason to start again, for which both we and Michael can be thankful.

So yes, those are my thoughts on AL's story from earlier this week. Glad to hear from my followers as well about your reactions to this. Thank you for writing in! x

A Monday in January

It's just a week before I start my new job at the library. I am cautiously optimistic. I know without a doubt that I can do the job and do it well, though I'm probably a bit rusty. My concern has been improving my wardrobe a bit. Lucky for me, the library has a very casual dress code, but I don't think they want me showing up in sweatshirts. That's been my uniform for far too long. I need one of those What Not to Wear interventions. Today I wore this sweatshirt, purchased from an Etsy shop.

It's actually perfect for the library because it's a nod to Mr. Darcy's insult to Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice. I mean, that's literature, folks. Still, they'd like for me to wear business casual so I've been attempting to add a few pieces here and there. When taking stock of my closet I realized that I'm apparently a collector of black pants. Straight legs, boot cut, leggings, ponte, denim - you name it, I've got 'em. I need a couple pairs of nice indigo/dark wash jeans, they look good with just about anything. I have enough tops and sweaters to rotate. I doubt anyone will really notice what I'm wearing. But, because I have Xmas money and gift cards I traveled to Easton today to shop at the Kohl's there. It was so frustrating. I found plenty of pretty things, but the whole store looked like it had been ransacked. If I found a sweater or top I liked, the color I wanted wasn't available in my size. I refuse to buy anything I don't truly like, so if I want the cobalt blue but they've only got my size in beige, I'm not getting it. I spent hours in the store and finally came out with two tops and a necklace. I found a pair of shoes I liked but again, no 6 or 6 1/2 in stock. I came home and found them on the Kohl's website and ordered them. So that's enough of a happy ending for me. I'll always be tidy and clean, I'll accessorize and then slap on some lipstick. Granny chic! I mentioned the sweatshirt I purchased on Etsy. I was gifted a very generous Etsy gift card for Christmas and I've had a ball spending it. Look at this treasure.

I ordered a beautiful journal, and had a quote and my initials added. I'm filling it with my thoughts, my poetry, and sometimes my melancholy ramblings. If you love it as much as I do, you can order your own here:

Choose the color, your own quote or saying (whatever inspires you) and get to writing. Wouldn't this be a lovely gift? It's beautifully made and quite thick.

I couldn't love it more. It's perfect for me during this season of my life. I am truly out looking for myself. The mister is upstairs on a Zoom photo club meeting, I think they have a guest speaker or something. I'm downstairs with both kitties enjoying the quiet. I just downloaded a couple of books from the library so I've got some good reading for the stormy day ahead.

I'm okay with everything but a power outage. Let the storm rage, but I'm going to need to heat up my soup, ya' know? And speaking of books, I'm considering joining the Modern Prairie Book Club. Melissa Gilbert, who played Laura/Halfpint Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie has a company called Modern Prairie - I loooove all of it, the cookware, the home goods, the clothing, the recipes, everything.

I absolutely love the Modern Prairie Instagram account -

so of course I was intrigued by the book club. She mentioned revisiting old books that we all read once upon a time and discussing how we view them now, decades later. I laughed when I saw the first book choice.

Then I got nostalgic (it's been more than fifty years for me!!) and then I became curious. I think I'll give it a whirl. What's the worst that can happen, I'll change my mind and go back to reading Lisa Jewell or Liane Moriarty? No big deal. Best case scenario is that I'm able to recapture some of that sweetness and simplicity. So that's where I'm at on this quiet Monday evening in January - optimistic about the new job, but yearning for the past at the same time. I suppose that's normal for most of us, isn't it? Looking forward with hope while trying to hang onto the best of what was. Sending out loads of love tonight. I hope it finds you and wraps you in a hug. Stay safe, stay well. XOXO, Nancy

For the Sake of a Smile --Short 2

Title: For the Sake of a Smile-- Short Two: Kalego's Home Visit

Fandom: Welcome to Demon School, Iruma-kun!

Summary: Hell on earth was your motto for your job. Granted, you were pretty sure earth really was hell, considering the shit you had seen. And the fact your coworker was a child. Suzuki Iruma, in fact. A kid who’s life was decidedly worse than yours, but smiled despite everything.

And you’d do a lot for his smile. Including summoning a demon and signing your life away.

But as it turns out, hell (The Netherworld, actually) was a lot better than living on earth. Demons were more humane than a lot of humans you knew.

And Iruma’s smile wasn’t the only one that would change your life.

Chapter Two | AO3

Kalego saved the worst for last. The Sullivan mansion was lit up against the dark sky, and full of some of the demons he dreaded the most. Well, Iruma wasn't that bad a student, especially compared to how he could be, and the boy was striving hard with his studies, and had even rallied the rest of his class around him. And you weren't terrible either, even if you did invade his office that one time.

Balam seemed to trust you  and that was often enough for Kalego. 

Granted, Balam also trusted Lord Sullivan and Opera, and, well, that was the reason he hesitated at the door. His hand clenched into a fist, raised to knock, but he was having difficulty doing so.

Lord Sullivan. Opera. 

He could get lucky. You could answer, and he could quickly give his assessment of Iruma and then leave before he ever saw the other two demons. 

Alternatively, Opera or Lord Sullivan could answer. And then his nightmare would truly begin. 

Kalego grinded his teeth and slammed his knuckles in quick succession against the door. What was he? A coward? He could face those two, he wouldn't enjoy it, but if he had survived thus far…

The demon king himself had to be smiling on him as you opened the door, looking rather surprised by his presence. "Professor Kalego? What are you doing here?" 

"The Chairdemon had the wonderful idea that I should visit the Misfit class' family before the final exams," he grounded out. "What should have been a relaxing day at home has been.nothing short of torture." 

Thankfully, there was sympathy in your expression. "Or for the love of… I take it that's not typical?" 

"No, this would be the first year I've had to do such a thing." 

"If you want, we can discuss things back at the school come Monday. Or do you want to come in and get it over with? I promise, either way, I won't make you stay long, or drink my attempt at tea." 

A shiver ran down the demon's spine as he recalled your attempt at tea. He wasn't sure how anyone could ruin such an easy drink, but you were now infamous for a drink that could kill a demon where he stood, without a drop of poison. 

"Let's get this over with," he sighed and stepped inside as you opened the door further. He automatically scanned for any sign of red hair, or Sullivan's plum suit. But there was neither as you led him towards an office just off the main hall. Quiet, no chairdemon or his security devil to torment him. 

"I could ask Opera to bring some tea," you offered, back turned so you didn't see Kalego's eyes widen slightly at the perceived threat. 

"No! There's, uh, no need," he coughed when you looked back at him, rather confused. "I would prefer to be quick, so I'd prefer to forgo the pleasantries." 

"As you wish," you submitted, gesturing to the small couch as you sat across on the straight back chair. "So, how has Iruma been doing, truly?" 

Kalego pulled the notebook from his bag, "The first half of the semester, his grades were abysmal, but-!" He froze as he looked back, and somehow Lord Sullivan had appeared beside you, squirming in place like an excited child. 

"Do tell how our little Iruma-kins have been doing!" Sullivan prompted as Kalego froze. “Is he doing well? Eating well? Any bullies?” 

“You know very well the answers to those questions,” Kalego growled, “Considering you’re the chair demon.” 

“Now, be nice, Kalego,” Opera spoke from behind him, nearly spooking him out of his skin. “You know how much Lord Sullivan worries about his grandson.” 

“Where did you come from?” Kalego hissed, scrambling away from the other demon. 

Opera simply smiled as he offered the younger demon a cup of tea. “It would be rude if I didn’t welcome my kohai into my lord’s home.” 

You muttered something under your breath that sounded like a swear, which comforted Kalego a small, tiny bit. At least he wasn’t the only reasonable adult in the room. “Professor, I apologize for the intrusion. Do you want to continue with your observations so you can continue with your evening?” 

“Yes,” Kalego jumped at the chance, though relishing a sip of tea that Opera provided. He may be cautious of the red-haired demon, but their tea was often perfectly brewed and refreshing after the never-ending nightmare of a day.

Thankfully, the rest of the evening went smoothly, with you reigning Lord Sullivan in whenever he started to get too excited. It was actually amusing to see you grab the chairdemon by the ear with a growl when Sullivan reached for the notebook he kept on Iruma. 

Lord Sullivan was a rank nine demon, and you, a demoness who was supposedly unranked and unknown until your mysterious appearance, son in tow, just months before. Rumor had it that you had been raised by your mother in a far-off part of the Netherworld before some kind of tragic accident left you and Iruma in Lord Sullivan’s outstretched arms. 

But Kalego placed little trust in those rumors, mainly because they sounded like a bad plot to one of the novels Momonoki and Raim seemed to enjoy. Yet, also because he had never heard of any place in the realm that would cause you to act with such disregard for rank. Even if Lord Sullivan was your true father, his rank demanded respect no matter how irritating the elder demon could act. Especially since he was also a part of the Three Heroes as well as chairdemon of Babyls. 

Either, you ranked equal to Lord Sullivan, which was hard to believe despite your son quickly climbing the ranks himself, or you truly had no regard for rank, which honestly made you even more dangerous. The rank system is what kept demon society together, otherwise the different clans would continue to be at each other’s throats to prove who was most powerful. 

Something, he felt, was amiss. And he wouldn’t rest until he figured out what. 

Chapter Three

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let's spread the self-love 💞

phoebe!! this is such a brilliant and thoughtful ask game - thank you SO much for thinking to pass it on to me ❤️ also, i am SO sorry that it's taken me a week to actually reply to this 🙈 i saw this, LOVED this, but then had to go to work so didn't have time to answer it properly... and then of course had forgotten completely about it by the time i got back from work. i am literally THE WORST when it comes to answering my asks, istg 🥲

but here we are now! it's monday, and i feel like we could ALL use a bit of self-love on mondays, so i'll be passing this on ASAP once i'm done here. thank you again for thinking of me ❤️❤️and let's do this!!

my top 5 fics that i have written (for my current fandom), in no particular order:

love's a game, wanna play - AKA my fake dating AU, the one that really started it all, the one that's probably still the most self-indulgent thing i've ever written. this is probably the fic i have most enjoyed writing, out of everything i've written - it never fails to make me smile. ❤️ fake dating is just one of my favourite tropes ever, and they're my favourite boys, and.... yeah. MASSIVE soft spot for this one, always. (and yes: i am going to update this one day. i really am. but it might not be soon, because like i said, this fic is one which i genuinely enjoy writing. but currently, my writing is coming more in fits and starts/intermittent writer's block, unfortunately. i feel like i can't truly write a chapter of fake dating until i'm truly ENJOYING writing again. but whenever that is? you can bet there will be a chapter 7, because yeah, i fucking love this fic. it is my BABY. my beloved <333)

you are perfection, my only direction (it's fire on fire) - my dragon riders au, and the one that's my pride and joy for its worldbuilding and just the high fantasy/soulmatism theme of it all. worldbuilding and fantasy and soulmate themes are (you guessed it) some of my favourite tropes to read about, and i am really proud of the way i turned that into writing here 💙

it's you and me, that's my whole world - my prince!charles and his oblivious pining really-dumb-for-an-engineering-student idiot of a best friend pierre. this one just makes me feel so soft and fond whenever i go back and reread it - i just, i love them, your honour. (and charles IS the prince of monaco. the end.) 💜

long live the walls we crashed through - AKA my emotional reaction to the seb retirement announcement (i processed it by making him give relationship advice to half the grid (because why wouldn't i?) and then taking his OWN advice and finally going to talk to lewis.) it's soft and meaningful, and it's sewis, and it's a healthy dose of seb & the grid feels, and it just means a lot to me. a lot. 💚

so i guess all the rumours are true (you know i love a rouen boy) - ahhhhhhh, so, choosing the last one was SO hard for me, but in the end it just had to be this one: my monaco vlog au (AKA the one where i watched charles' monaco vlog in 2022, then rewatched it way too many times until the only thought left in my brain was "oh my god, i have to make this about piarles somehow.) and i did. and i am still very proud and very fond of this one 💛

HONOURABLE MENTIONS (because i can't NOT, and also because choosing was SO HARD for me) to your lips, my lips (apocalypse) and Game For Two and (you are the best thing that's ever been) mine. these three fics are all very special to me, in their own ways, and more than deserve their mentions on my honourable-mentions podium <333 ❣️

thank you again for this amazing ask (and for giving me the chance to go through my own fic archives!) this was an amazing way to make me smile again on a monday evening, and i hope that this answer might make some of you reading it smile too <333 ily all!!

i had my surgery last thursday!

he went ahead with a plan of putting me under and marking and prepping everything to do the thyroidectomy and full bilateral neck dissection, but first taking out the biggest lymph node and sending it to pathology. while they were doing that he took my whole thyroid out and based on those results he would either leave the neck dissection or continue. of course it came back malignant so he took fuckin eeeeverything out haha

woke up puking all over myself and having violent tremors and vaguely remember hearing a nurse trying to convince the other people waking up in that room that i wasn't fucking dying jfhfjgj

apparently I've had the most severe magnesium deficiency my surgeon has seen in over 30 years of practice lmaoooo and I've had it for a long time so i gotta figure out what thats all about and see a gi for probable absorption problems

my husband!!! is the sweetest!! most caring!! fucker ever!!!!!! really truly i love him so much he has supported me through this and everything so much it blows my mind anyone could ever love and care for me like this. and he has done such a consistent job of showing it that i don't panic and worry about him wanting to leave me for all this cancer crap and for the fact that now i look like a fucking toad with its head cut off and stapled back on lmaoooo

was in the hospital for two nights three days and not getting home until about midnight cause my iv spot lost its shit at the last minute and decided enough magnesium in the drip there halfway through my last bag it hurt like a biiiitch so we had to start a new iv but ultrasound guided because they had been drawing blood to test magnesium every four fucki g hours for the 2 nights and three days like even all night lolll and i was running out of good veins

anyways. got my drains out on monday which. were stuck as hell and they were really long and finally my surgeon had to come back in where the nurses were like wheh its stucck he just grabbed and braced himself and just jerked them out violently no hesitation on both sides i am so goddamn traumatized lolllllll holy shit it gave hard rip the skin borrowing parasite horror creature out of your throat before in goes deep vibes fukccckckkckc

staples out on the 28th and everything looks good just. huge ugly stapled ear to collar bone to ear line and worst of all the lymphedema happening under the chin and jaw is so bad still and may take 3 to 6 months to go down or it could just get. worse actually and i will probably struggle with it forever

gotta take hormone replacement every morning for the rest of my life. gotta get bloodwork done frequently for the rest of my life to monitor magnesium, calcium and vitamin d and the thyroid hormone

but i am so insanely relieved i had an incredible experienced and passionate surgeon did an impressively beautiful job avoiding damaging any of the important nerves and parathyroid glands etc so no major complications or even really minor ones as far as nerve stuff goes i am so so grateful. that could have gone way different but he did an awesome job and i also trust he more likely got it all, because pathology came back monday and the fucking cancer was all over both sides of my thyroid and in at least ten lymph nodes all over !!

i literally kept saying i hate being right when i was waking up from surgery cause i really had like just a knowing and sensing that was the case, so i was very prepared, even from the "oh honey most of these are benign don't worry about cancer" stage pfffff

so i do gotta also take the radioactive iodine pill and go through that drama to make sure we got everything but otherwise i feel the worst is probably over

Venting. Long.

Today I checked the piece of paper I was given for my second appointment and as it turns out I have to go in person to the hospital again(!?) just to actually get the appointment.

Last time I asked(!) if that was it after all the talking and it was like, "yeah next time we get your levels and if all is good you can start". I got the thingy for the bloodwork, informed consent pages and this little piece of paper with the date and hour for my next consultation.

What do you know, it literally says "IMPORTANT: After your consultation, request an appointment with this sheet on this center" (<- paraphrased). I literally started sweating cold. But I asked! I asked if that was it! How can you not tell me that I need to go and ask IN PERSON for another appointment when I'm there?

And I just checked out of curiosity because I was going to ask if I can get a ride. Bus drops me too far and it takes too long to come back. Worst case scenario I just carry some lunch and spend the day out. No big deal. But then. I see this shit.

What if it's actually done and I don't really have to go in person? What if they set it up? Then why does it not show online? The platform is dogshit, takes ages to load and it says "no appointments". But is it true? I don't know. I can't know. It's saturday night and I decide to be smart and prepare shit, ask people with some notice just to see if I can get something done.

It took me more than 30 minutes panicking while laying in bed to realize. Wait. I can literally call the hospital. Ahahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhh(!!!). I can call them. Right. But I need to wait until monday morning because they for sure will not answer on the weekend. Doesn't matter if it says it's open. I WILL call them tomorrow. But I have zero hope that it'll do anything.

And I'm lucky(!) that I decided to reread it. Can you imagine if I went there. And they don't call me. Not even the shame or whatever, I care not about that. But I've been waiting for so! long! Almost 9 years. More if you count those before that, when I didn't know one can just be(!) trans. That happens to other people. Surely not me.

You know the one good thing about taking so long? You get to see what others think of you before they know what they think of you. You don't learn who's safe, but you do learn who's unsafe(!).

And you know the thing about cutting people out of your life? It does spare you from the transphobia, but can you even explain to someone you've shared a good chunk of your life with "you are a danger to me"? You can't. They don't understand. No words to make them see.

And I've tried. Given more chances than I thought possible. But there comes a point where you realize that you simply live a different reality. No examples, analogies or comparisons will work. They think they have it figured out, they think they are completely unbiased and see how things truly(!) are. And in the same sentence they deny your whole existence. I say no. You cannot be a part of my life.

And yet I have to tolerate shit for now. The day will come when I'll have my own place again and these people are gone for good. It will happen because the alternative is death and I refuse.

There's a reason why airports have shown up in my dreams so many times despite only being in them like, 10 times total(?). Some of the worst days of my life were spend waiting in an airport. That's why I hate waiting and despise airports. Childish I know. Traumatic perhaps. A decade later I was "welcomed back" and offered a place to stay because we are "family"(<- intense hatred). Were we not family when I got kicked out and had to fly to another country?

I learned kindness from others, but not forgiveness. When all of this is sorted, when I have done my best and seen things through, they will be forgotten. I have no family, just coldhearted individuals who think they can abandon me and not face any consequences. They have not seen me smile or laugh in all this time, and they never will.

Joy has almost disappeared from my life. Many of my friends have turned out to be extremely shitty people. When you are kids you can ignore this stuff because you are also a kid and don't know better. But when are you in your 20s, in your 30s there are things that are unacceptable.

My leg is fine. I can run. It hurts if I overdo it. I used to run for fun. Can't do it anymore.

I used to get up, get breakfast, do whatever, get lunch, keep doing whatever and get dinner. Can't do that when you live with others. You can, but you know what I mean. There's a "normal person schedule" that one has to roughly follow. I also have to be extremely careful with anything I eat. I had to change like 60/70% of my diet and now I cannot eat anything I don't prepare. Too dangerous. It won't kill me (right away) but it will fuck me up for days. Can't eat out either. That certainly does not help you keep friends.

What do I even have left at this point? Videogames? Manga? I don't know. I simply keep going because there is no alternative. Goddess of perseverance. Of those who try. Not the ones who win, not the ones who lose. The ones who do their best when there is nothing left.

Tomorrow I will call the hospital. It might be closed. It might be useless. Best case scenario everything is ready and I've panicked for no reason. Got a good walk out of it (<- walking on the beach at 2am). Realistically and knowing my luck I'll have to call again on monday, they'll tell me I have to go in person and then waste an entire day just to set it up, if somehow I didn't miss a deadline that no one told me about (<- getting overly pessimistic). Then next week I go in there, get my prescription and start moving plots along. Get the paperwork ready. Look for a cheap place. Get someone to help. Just ignore any questions. I don't lie. Then I'll be alive, I'll have finished waiting.

Dear future self... April 7, 2024

My overthinking brain. Everything's felt so perfect, I knew it was going to hit me one day, & probably pretty hard. Given that I feel so much & so deeply. The worst part, is it's not even really that he's done anything wrong. I just have narrowed into every little detail & have picked it apart to create these stories that are probably untrue & yet here I am, I barley slept & I'm ready to pack up & go home now. It's 9:27am on a sunday morning. I don't know how it started, I think the major components is because I've been on my period so I know I'm more emotional & my poor hormones I feel are so out of whack still. The other side is I'm mentally burnt out. I needed this quiet weekend & appreciated it. But like he said last night... because we've been intimate, now there's consequence that my mind is flooded when he doesn't touch me. I think there's something wrong with me, or I'm overstaying my welcome. The last few days I've heard him say to a few people that I'm leaving sunday, maybe monday, which has sat in the back of my mind, ok maybe he wants me to leave sunday. Noted. Then last night when he asks & I say that I'll probably leave tomorrow (being today) he acts surprised. We have a small conversation about the feelings & that I shouldn't feel like that, it's a learning curve for him but he likes me being here. I try to just accept it, but I still feel off. I already always feel like a bag of coal when I'm on my period, so now I feel worse when he doesn't touch me as much, & it's stupid because I know it's just because he can't touch me. I get it, but my brain doesn't. I feel so... far. & when I can't shake the feeling I just try to go wash my face. When I come back & lay down, I feel like I've done something, he's got his chew in which means no more kisses & he barley touches me. Again, I've been pushing away. So once again I can't pretend I'm not crying there so I go to the bathroom. He catches me & I go lay down. I "try" to explain this, but it feels impossible to be able to explain a crazy brain to someone who doesn't understand & someone who hasn't really done anything wrong. But I try. I try to explain that I feel disconnected & that I don't feel like he wants me etc. He holds me for a few mins & tells me it's not true. Mind you, he does ask if he can do anything & know that's where I probably went wrong. I should have just asked him to stay for a bit. I guess in my head, I thought, well I'm literally crying because I said I want to be close to him & he can tell I'm hurting so maybe he'll think to stay but he doesn't. He leaves & in that moment I break just a little more. Feeling more alone. More undesired. More disconnected. I didn't have my phone or anything so I don't know what time he actually came back to bed, but I was awake. Because I was crying in the bathroom for who knows how long. he held my hand when he came to bed & fell asleep. But didn't touch me or hold me throughout the night. I just want to go home. Why do I feel like this. I am so scared. So scared that I've given my heart up so fast, to what truly does feel like the one & someone I would be so blessed to have for the rest of my days, but man is the devil really getting in my brain. Planting lies. Literally to the point that I feel like we need to take a step back. I started thinking, ok maybe I need to only visit for 2 days, 3 days max. Maybe being out here too long makes it too unsettling for him & too much to try to get used to that he needs to miss me more, because then maybe if he misses me more, he'll want to hold me more when i'm here. He'll want to kiss me more. Not get used to my presence that his physical touch slowly slips away & start questioning everything again. My thoughts have gone right into aybe he's not ready for this, he's not ready for someone to be around full time. He's never had this, his past relationships were all close enough that they didn't spend nights together.

conversations with my shadow: part two

Labor day weekend. A three day weekend for most, but for me it was just another weekend. I always had Mondays off, and even though there was a holiday attached to this one I had spent it like I had the last several Mondays: alone, in my apartment, with TV sounds in the background as I sat on my couch and looked out the window. Suffering in silence had to be the worst thing ever. Thankfully Shadow isn't here to notice the streaks down my face, the tears that continue to spill over the bottom lashes of my eyes, dampening my skin and causing it to shine from the overcast light outside. Below me on the street I'm watch as a car tries to parallel park. It brings me some amusement, but mostly it reminds me of then.

Then. A blissful time that I ponder on every now and again. What I had thought would've been the first of many - now likely to be a singular memory untouched by repeats. A time when I had truly been myself, had genuinely laughed and smiled. Probably the last time I had actually felt something other than this crushing loneliness.

The car doesn't seem to be getting it and tries one more time, then another, and another - much to the dismay of the traffic that's now piling up as the cars behind this one try to get where they need to be on a Monday evening at 5:37pm. Finally, after some (rather excessive) honking, the car decides to call it a day and pulled out of the spot it was half in, speeding off down the road.

Behind me the front door of the apartment opens - how long had that car been trying to park? - and I turn to see Shadow coming in. He has two plastic bags in each hand, bringing them over to the counters and setting them down. "Dinner?" I ask, praying to anything good above that my voice isn't as scraggly as it was five minutes ago.

He casts me a look, silent for a moment. "No, just some lightbulbs and batteries. You forgot to get them." Oh. I had, hadn't I? Last night, in my dissociated daze, when all I had brought back was ice cream and a package of frozen chicken nuggets (both of which were long gone now). I give a sheepish shrug to which Shadow just rolls his eyes at and continues to put the home necessities away. Watching him do so leaves me feeling anxious for some reason so I look back out of the window.

"Aren't... you the one who asked for it to be this way?"

Shadow's words catch me off guard and I blink, looking back up at him. He's not looking at me and instead rummaging through the fridge. Presumably looking for food, and I swallow hard thinking of what little I have in there. "...Yes and no," I decided to answer truthfully, knowing damn well he can sense lies like a fly to honey. "It's just hard. I guess. But that's my life I suppose." I try to chuckle, make it more lighthearted than the weight I've felt on my chest.

Finally shutting the fridge door in defeat and coming over to the couch Shadow takes a seat on the empty part, resting one arm on the back of the couch and taking the remote. "Did anything in particular happen?"

I shook my head. "Nothing outside of the usual."

"Hmmph."

Shadow doesn't like this, not one bit. He never likes it when I'm like this - sad, broken, not going anywhere. Long gone are the days of him trying to force me out of it though. He knows that won't work, and that only two things can really help me process any changes; time and writing about it.

"...It makes me wonder if any of it was ever... real though."

Another sideways look from Shadow, who'd been flipping through different Netflix shows. I keep my eyes on the TV, refusing to look at him because if I do I know I'll go silent. "I mean of course I know it was. I do. I just... it makes me not want to be... me anymore. Makes me wish I could be someone else."

Shadow lets out a 'hmph' and looks back at the TV. "Their loss, honestly." I roll my eyes and take one of the pillows to smack his shoulder with. He just grunts, but the smirk tells me he was only joking around.

"No one lost anything, you know that damn well." He does have me smiling at that though, which I guess was the main goal all along. Pulling my knees up I hug them tightly against my chest and rest my chin on them. As Shadow continues looking through the options on Netflix, I'm able to catch a faded reflection of myself in the blacks of the screen. Ratty hair that's been up in a bun all weekend day. Puffy eyes. Muscles that have long since lost their tone. Acne that was not as under control as I would've liked.

Lifting my head, I look at Shadow. I open my mouth to ask him a question I know he'll scoff at, but he remains focused on the TV. I know he's aware that I'm looking at him, but that I won't speak until he acknowledges me with a glance - precisely why he isn't doing it. Closing my mouth I sigh and lay my head back down on my knees once again.

"You'll find it again."

At this a tear finds it way out of my eye and rolls down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away with the back of my sweater covered hand before Shadow can see (futile because I know he already did). "Maybe." It's fake, because I know I probably won't. Hell, I hadn't even thought I'd find it once. Twice was asking the impossible to happen.

Shadow just shakes his head and scoffs. "What do you wanna watch?" he asks, and I know for now this conversation has been tabled. He continues flipping through the options, all shows that I've seen before. Comfort shows.

"That one," I say as he lands on a true crime documentary I've already seen a hundred times - maybe more. Shadow clicks on it, and the familiar intro music begins playing.

"I'll go make some popcorn," he offers as he gets off the couch and heads towards the kitchen. I give a thumbs up as I watch the show begin to start, nestling myself back into the couch.

Soon the smell of popcorn will fill the apartment and Shadow will bring it back (along with a blanket) and for a brief while, I'll know I can forget about this haunting sadness.

It's something, at least. Baby steps.

6/7/23

23:19

Today has been a day of recovery still; just want to talk about some things I've been thinking about.

It's been a hard week. Some good things have happened recently though. I got a job for the summer (and hopefully a bit beyond, if I can manage my schedule well), and secured a place volunteering in a research lab, to start hopefully sometime in mid-July.

I got extremely sick on Monday, where I woke up with a super sore (started feeling it Sunday?) throat that got progressively worse through the day til I ended up with an excruciating headache, full body muscle aches, and intermittent nausea. I thought it was the flu but now perhaps just a viral bug, because the worst symptoms were that night and I've been getting better every day, though it was really, really awful. Last time I felt anything near that was two years ago where I got so sick I called 999 because I thought I was going to die.. hah. I remember phoning him and trying not to cry, because I just wanted a parents reassurance and felt so alone and like such a child. I felt it again that day.

I ended up sitting in the bathroom shaking, and I stuck three fingers down my throat to make myself throw up finally to try and get the nausea to go away. I vomited twice, the only meal I had that day and it was as disgusting and awful as every other time I've thrown up. Truly I think it's the worst physical experience. I ended up back in bed, feeling so cold but sweating and restless and I was waking near every 30 minutes in a state of near-delirium. Didn't think I'd be able to sleep more than an hour straight through but I think my body was so exhausted it just sort of gave up. Sore throat, headaches, no apetite still for days after, but I had a proper meal again on day three, so there's that. Eating more today too, though it's not enjoyable. Had to call out of work but hoping to make it into my shift tomorrow.

I also start moving out tomorrow. I want to say it's annoying, but ultimately I think it just saddens me. Moving itself isn't really a big deal, I think I just get tired of this impermanence, the repeated transitions and largely the reminder that I do it primarily alone, and I'm alone because he died and I have few friends. It's hard to think about.

I also had therapy yesterday. We went over an international trauma questionnaire, and I'm supposed to get some feedback on during the next session, but I did look it up after and read through the assessment criteria. I think it stands to reason that I may have CPTSD. I've suspected this for some time now, but thinking of it actually being concrete, my current reality, has been very jarring. Also quite upsetting.

I've been thinking a lot about loss again. Loss of family, friends, and thinking about past experiences that won't be repeated. People I most likely won't ever see again. Conversations that won't happen. Love that I can't make known. It's been really hard.

Being unwell meant I've been on bedrest and it's meant my mental health started to slide. I've been feeling distanced from friends, though one has been reaching out to me every day to ask how I am and if I need anything, and that's been really really nice. Still I wish I had more friends, more connections. Could feel like I'm cared for more often, because it feels so extremely rare. That people's care for me is made known, and I really feel it. I wish it wasn't like this. It's like at moments I reverted to being a child again, sick and wanting nothing more than to be nurtured, taken care of completely but the harsh reality and overarching background is that I won't ever experience that again, and I don't think I'll experience anything similar to it either.

I think I'd like to let myself be open to a soft and careful love. I'm deathly afraid that it's never ever going to happen.

I talked about being tired, in therapy, about feeling it both mentally and physically. I have felt psychologically tired for a very long time. Every day takes energy and effort that I think should be impossible for me to gather. This quote, by Anaïs Nin -

Life requires an effort I cannot make.

Yeah.

If I had HALF the drive to garden in real life like I do in minecraft, my house would look amazing. I have been going bonkers on my little mini farm though. I dug up a little 13x7' area for my plants this year and I've been growing like 5 different chilies, a couple types of tomatoes, spaghetti squash, zucchini, watermelon, pumpkins, sweet peas, strawberries, green onions, cilantro, onions, corn, lemon cucumbers, some type of bean, maybe beets? I honestly can't remember everything. Every time I get my hands on a plant it goes in my chaotic little farm and it is doing really good. Every day for the last week Ruby comes out with me to pick a few peas from the garden and it makes my heart happy.

My parents are coming to visit in two days and me and my sister have been cleaning like crazy so they don't yell at us for living like total psychos. We both skipped work on Monday so we could stay home and organize our video games, books, movies, board and card games, and random collectibles. Our house is nerd central, let me tell you. If someone were to break into our house to rob us (if they knew what they were doing) they'd probably be able to pay their rent for a year with the amount of nerdy shit we have here.

Something funny was while we were organizing we both have the same taste in quite a few things so we found lots of duplicates. Like the entire LOTR trilogy. I have the long versions though, so mine is superior. We also had a race to see who could collect all the Harry Potter movies from secondhand stores. I won. We also both raced for the entire Divergent book collection. Neither of us won, but both of us combined made the full set plus Four. We also had duplicates of board games like The House of Danger and Sushi Go! This house is pure Heaven for anyone who matters. Pft.

I'm exhausted from all this cleaning and organizing but it has been a really fun week nerding out with my sister.

Yesterday we got distracted and started playing Guess Who but we weren't allowed to ask questions based on physical attributes. Only on assumed personalities or lifestyles.

For example:

Does your person have an onlyfans?

Does your person benefit from white male privilege?

Would your person say "bAcK iN mY dAy?"

Does your person have strict foreign parents?

Does your person invest in Bitcoin?

We had way too much fun and I was the undefeated champion of every match. It was hilarious.

Also I am the disappointed owner of the world's worst couch and I finally kicked that couch to the curb (literally) and bought myself a fancy super cushy super soft sectional couch with one of those long pieces you can lay down on. The level of excitement I have about it is almost too extra. I don't truly hate many things in this world but that couch was definitely one of the them.

I bought my cat a Catnip plant and he fucking loves it and he's been spazzing out around the house and I love that for him. Life has been kind of stressful lately but I've definitely been having a good time. Except for the morning I had the world's worst hangover, and when creepy speed kisser partially assaulted me, and when that lesbian chick basically chewed on my lady bits. How on earth does a lesbian suck at eating out?

Anyways. I'm excited to see my parents this weekend!

OH AND I HIRED SOMEONE TO SELL MY ART FOR ME. I hate posting things to Etsy and all the other sites. It takes forever and it's boring. So I hired a nerd to do it for me and for everything I sell, he gets 15% until I start making a lot of money. He will also handle my NFT's when the market gets back up.

Doing lots of good things. Yah.

My 14.5 hour Flight to Korea

I've done the thing! I have officially completed my journey to Korea, and now I am settling in to my new apartment. The flight was not an easy one, especially with so much anxiety about this huge change I am making. However, I am so happy and proud of myself for making the journey on my own, and thrilled to finally be in Korea!

This post is a rundown of my ~long~ journey to Korea:

the night before: unable to sleep due to ~anxiety~. I had a great time with my friends and family eating some of my fave American foods that I'll miss, and hanging out with some of the people I'll miss most. As I'm winding down for the night and preparing for my flight the next day I realize...I STILL do not have my Covid test results that are crucial to making a flight in this pancreas.

If you haven't flown during this panini press yet (which is for the best, I assure you) you need to have a negative Covid test result with you in order to board the plane, but it must be dated within 72 hours. I also needed this to get off the plane, which means the earliest I could take the test for my Monday arrival was Friday... and the results weren't posted as of Saturday night. Every test I'd taken so far (and unfortunately I've had quite a lot of them) has taken less than 24 hours for results...so I was panicking. Like literally calling the airline asking them WHAT HAPPENS IF I DON'T HAVE MY RESULTS (answer: you simply do not fly). So this made for a very restless night.

7am: Test results were posted and everything was literally so fine.

8:30am: I leave for the airport in New York with my parents and sister who so kindly drove me and saw me off. We also stopped for my last Wawa run 😭

10am: Arrive at the airport super early. Like the airline clerks haven't clocked in yet early. So I wait until 10:30a to check-in.

Then I go through the arduous process of airport security, which tbh wasn't the worst I've ever experienced. My bags did get checked multiple times though by TSA for some reason #sus

11:30am: Now, we wait for the flight. I am so grateful to all my family members & friends who checked in on me that day! I didn't feel so alone in the airport. My regrets: not buying any snacks before I got on that flight.

1:50pm: Take off! I had my own row on the plane so I was really satisfied that I could stretch out and take up space on the long journey. I settled in for the 14.5 hour journey.

Things I did on the flight:

- listened to my Spotify playlist

-tried to figure out how to get my headphones to work for the in-flight movies. never figured that one out

-played the Sims

-played my Switch

-attempted to sleep, but only managed a few 1 hour naps

-ate shitty vegetarian meals and regretted my decision to opt for meatless because the other meals looked really good RIP

~4:45am EST/ 5:45pm KST: I LAND!! I was so happy to be on land, to stretch my legs, and to get hooked up to that sweet sweet WiFi. My family wasn't really awake yet, but my recruiter & school director were messaging me to help me through the airport process.

Customs & Immigration was by far the most arduous aspect of this journey. For two hours I carried my little documents to at least seven different tables with seven different lines and attempted to communicate with the clerks at the airport, praying there were no issues with my visa, Covid test, etc. But everything went smoothly, and I was free~

Or as free as Korea is letting travelers be in this pon de replay 😅

7:45pm KST: I meet my driver who will take me from the Incheon airport to my apartment in Seoul. She didn't speak much English but she was very sweet to me. It was on this car ride that the exhaustion truly hit me and I nodded off a few times. I barely saw anything of the drive I was so tired.

8:45pm KST: I arrive at my new apartment! My driver took me all the way up to my apartment door, where my school director & building manager were still cleaning out my room and setting it up. I was okay with this because I could meet my director in person and she showed me how to set up my WiFi & SIM card, work the appliances etc.

I am super grateful my school stocked my apartment so well, I haven't been wanting for anything! I have food for two weeks, kitchen & bath items, cleaning supplies, even pillows and bedding. My recruiter and director repeatedly check in on me and offer to provide me with anything else I'll need. I even got access to food delivery apps using my director's card since I don't have my own card here yet.

10pm KST: I pass the frick out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So there you have it! After many hours of nerves I finally made it here to South Korea. I absolutely love my new apartment, and from what I've seen of my neighborhood so far it seems like there is so much to do and see right in my own area! Now, I settle in for 2 weeks of quarantine until I'm free to roam~

Until next time!~

Grace

My cat is not getting better

Hi, it's happening again. What I thought would be something I could forget about is happening yet again, my other cat is sick and with the same disease as the one that died early this year. I was confused as to why he got sick since I care for them a lot, but the vet told me that FLUTD is really common in males. So here I am, once again asking for help. I truly didn't want to do this since I didn't want to come across as someone who always asks for money, but at this point I don't know what else to do, I've been selling my stuff and doing jobs for people but it is not enough.

His name is Castiel, he's two years old and this past two weeks have been a nightmare, I first realized my cat was sick last week on Monday when I arrived home and noticed he couldn't pee at all, he didn't want to eat nor drink and he didn't have the strength to get on the bed. I took him to the vet immediately and they diagnosed him with FLUTD (Feline lower urinary tract disease).

The vet told me they couldn't use the urinary catheter since they didn't know just how big the crystals and sediment in his bladder were, so they appointed me for an urinalysis and an ultrasound. The next day I went to the appointment and they told me they were now sure he had FLUTD, and that he needed to change his diet and that only with antibiotics and a few shots he would be alright.

Sadly that was not the case. One day passed and I went to the vet to get his medicine but he looked weak and still wasn't eating. I was feeding him with re-hydration solutions and some vitamin gel but it wasn't enough. I couldn't give him too much solution either or his bladder would be damaged since he still couldn't pee. They told that if he looked worse that night that I should bring him fast and not wait for tomorrow. That afternoon I spent every ten minutes checking his vitals and making sure his bladder wasn't hard. Sadly at 7pm his pulse dropped and he wasn't breathing as fast so I took him to the vet, they told me he was getting cold and that he was at a risk of hypothermia. He had to be hospitalized that night.

The next day I went to check up on him and he looked really bad and that's when they told me that he indeed had hypothermia and that it had been really difficult to manage also that a surgery was needed. The urethral obstruction (a blockage in the urethra, which is the tube that carries urine from the bladder and out of the body) got worse and while he had started to pee it hurt him so bad since the clumps were bigger than his urethra.

I told them I didn't have any money left and that I would try to gather enough to pay, but business is business and they told me they could only perform the surgery if I paid. That day I sold my graphic tablet, some glasses and did paid homework. I managed to gather enough money and told them they could start the surgery.

That was last Friday. After that he had to stay hospitalized throughout the weekend. On Saturday I went to check up on him. He looked sick and skinny, still a little weak after surgery and he had an IV since he was dehydrated. They told me that if it went well I could pick him up on Monday.

On Monday he looked way better, still a little disoriented but better. They gave him his medicine and told me that I had to come back again so they could check up on him and give him the rest of the medicine. I took him home and he looked so happy to be here. He was rubbing himself on my legs and my hands while I was sitting with him. The next two days were uneventful, he started to eat, pee and was even meowing. On Wednesday I was told that everything was ok and that I only had to come back in 15 days.

Last night was when all went downhill. He refused to eat and he didn't want to drink anymore. At 2am he puked all over the floor and started shaking a little bit. I was worried but I had to wait until morning to take him to the vet.

His ears and paws started to feel cold so I heated some water bottles and wrapped him up in a blanket and hugged him the rest of the night. Today he wasn't as cold as before but not as warm as he should be. I took him to the vet and they said that he had kind of a water bag in the stomach area and that he would need to have surgery performed again to see what's going on. They're worried that that liquid they feel is pee since it could be mortal. He was dehydrated again since he didn't want to drink anything.

They said that since I have been paying on time for the last week that they could wait this time, they will perform that surgery today and I have a week to pay all the bills that are needed during and after surgery.

Up till now I have spent more than $350 (appointments, ultrasound, medicine, shots, hospitalization, surgery, special dry and wet food, transport, etc) and it may sound like it’s not much but in Mexico it is expensive (almost $7000 pesos). I don't know how to make more money. As some of you know I'm a college student and money is not something I have in abundance. I managed to pay all the bills from last week, but it will probably be the same amount now since he will need new pain meds and noninflammatory, also antibiotics and the days he would have to stay hospitalized.

I love my cat. He has helped me a lot with my depression and I truly don't know what I would do without him. The worst thing is that everytime I think of him I'm reminded that my last cat had the same illness and the he couldn't survive. I'm so anxious right now I just want him to be okay. 

If any of you could help I would be really really grateful. If not, it doesn't matter, just good wishes is enough. I'm still selling some stuff I have and doing some jobs when I find the time, but finals are coming and I'm worried I won't have enough time to study and care for my baby.

https://www.paypal.me/letipimhe

I'm sorry for the long post, but I’m desperate and even if I just get some cents I don't care. Anything helps. If you can’t donate please share, I’ll be really grateful. Also if you’d like to see the receipts so you know I’m not lying just tell me.

i'm a vet tech and seeing people not being able to afford care is so fucking hard because i've been there.. i hate that aspect of vet care. it really is so fucking expensive and i hate putting charges in for some things when you know the owner is struggling to pay all the bills. but yeah once those male cats get blocked once, most times it'll happen again... and again. and it's just a lot of vet visits for the cat that most likely hates going to the vet. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I really wish the emergency care would have told me that. I think the worst part was they truly led me to believe if they unblocked him the problem was solved and it wasn’t likely he would get blocked again. The vet said “I wouldn’t consider this a sick cat” when he literally had vomit on his paw because I couldn’t clean it all off and he never tried cleaning himself because he couldn’t (or didn’t want to) move at all. And when I say he was a neat freak all of his life, I mean if he even got the littlest speck of dust on him he would vigorously clean himself. Then when I called them later and said he hasn’t moved at all since I took him home and started vomiting again they told me he was probably tired from the long day and he threw up because he didn’t like the taste of the pain meds I gave him. I knew something was off but they said not to worry about it so I just waited until the next day when he had a follow up vet appointment to get answers (which was he WAS blocked again and I had to either try to get him unblocked or put him down if I couldn’t afford the catheter).

He was at the emergency vet on Saturday. His discharge papers said to follow up with a vet on Monday. If I had listened to that and didn’t go to the vet on Sunday he probably could have died a very slow and painful death. I’m just so angry at that hospital for giving me false hope and telling me not to worry when I should have worried. I also felt terrible because I thought I was giving up on my cat for something so easily fixed just because I didn’t have money.

Today was so hard. It's been so difficult for me the past week just functioning. My grandma passed away on Friday, and we were really close. It's hurt me a lot a I don't really know how to go about processing these feelings. It's so weird because I'm very intune with my emotions and can usually at least know what I need to do to help me feel better even if my anxiety or depression make doing that difficult.

But I don't even know. Everything just feels so dark and like it genuinely doesn't even matter. I'm so exhausted. I don't know how to fix this or to even feel better.

She is by far the closest person to me that has died in my life. So I knew this would be a hard thing for me when the time did come. And it definitely is. I just don't know what I should be doing. I'm just trying to be there for the family, and go to class and go to work but I just don't even feel present. Maybe I'm in shock or the 'denial' stage of grieving?

The second worst part of someone you love so much passing away, is just how the world fucking goes right along. It doesnt feel right. And it's obviously just how things are, and is good in the long run but I just don't know how to get through this. And how to process it.

I know there is no way I "should" feel, and that however I feel is valid for me and is perfectly okay. That's what I tell my niece and everyone else, and I know it's true. But I just don't feel present and I hate that. I know it's just probably a way of compartmentalizing to be able to function when a tragedy happens. But I fucking hate it. I don't want to feel so distant and separate from how Im feeling.

I've been trying to journal, but even that's been so hard. And when I try to talk to people (my family, boyfriend) I just can't seem to say enough. It feels okay when I'm with my family or my boyfriend. Like that I know I'm really sad now but that in the long run everything will be okay and that I'm loved. But when I'm alone I don't even feel that anymore even though I know it to be true.

I called Monday morning to make an appointment with my therapist (we don't see each other regularly because I've been pretty good about balancing out my own emotions and keeping things straight- so I just drop into her schedule whenever I need to. And I definitely do this week), but the earliest she can see me is next Thursday.

It's the third wave of exams and she's usually v busy during exam time with everyone being so stressed and everything so it's understandable. And it's not like I'm actively suicidal or anything, I just don't really have an will to do the shit I need to be doing. Like tomorrow I have my last lecture before my exam Monday and I certainly have to go and then close at the bookstore and i just want to lay in bed all day. I like my coworkers and want to do well on this exam but I just do not give a singular celestial fuck at this given moment in my life.

It's weird. It's like this wave of depression/lack of will feels like a dark ass cloud that has rolled up on me. Something completely out of my control and beyond my influence. And I just feel like I can't do anything to make this better. My depression had always felt like this deep dark hole, like neverending well, that I can sink down into if I'm not careful, but that I can always climb out of if I work hard enough and keep my head up. But this feels like a force acting upon me with nothing I can do to help it.

And, I guess it makes sense. This is stemming from losing one of the very most important people in my life. Of course I am going to feel desolate and like I can't control this. Because I cant.

This is the closest I've gotten to actually sitting down and journaling about this. And Im not even truly talking about what actually happened and how I feel about it. I'm talking about how to make myself feel better and be able to emotionally move on. Well, honey, you have to do the damn work first.

For me the truest way Ihave processed these deep hard to deal with emotions is through writing. Always has been probably always will be. I just... have been subconsciously avoiding spilling my heart into my journal because I'm afraid of what that might trigger. I know I need to to be able to fully process my feelings and everything going on right now. And I want to write. I want to preserve my memories of her before they fade from my short as fuck memory.

I think I'm just afraid because every other scary and hard situation I just knew that I could control if I fell into that well or not, for the most part. At the very least when I fell into it, I could decide early on to fight to get back out of it. But with a raging storm cloud depending upon me... I don't know my limitations. I don't know what's too far for me and what will push me to the edge. It feels like a completely different depression, and that's because it is-its stemming from a completely different thing.

I'm just afraid that I might trigger myself into being suicidal. I'm so afraid of that because I've come so far that and I fucking REFUSE to go back. I cant. I can't do that to my family. Especially not now. They need me. I need them too. And I know things can be at least okay again. Mommom would want me to be okay.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I want to commemorate her life, and our relationship, and mourn. But I don't feel like I can. And it just feels like it's holding me back and I feel like I can't even honor her memory in the way I need to and want to because I can't even begin to process this all.

Me writing this and making that apt with my therapist and spending time with my family and other people who loved her is probably my first step in processing this. This all happened a week ago Friday, and I know it's just been a few days. But it feels like it's both been fucking years and that it didnt even happen at all.

My therapist says that I tend to isolate myself when I'm going through hard things. And I agree and know that is toxic and is holding me back. So thats why I made an apt with her asap when her office opened after all this happened, and I've also been sure to regularly talk to my sister, my boyfriend, my close group of friends and family. My friends and I usually just share memes and stuff but who doesn't need a good laugh. We're going to hang out next month to celebrate my sister's engagement (!!) And a farewell to the house we usually party in as she's moving with bae. So I know seeing them will do me good. And that regularly seeing my family and the people that are close to me and I love is what's best for me, especially right now. So I'm just trying to keep that up during this time of such great loss.

It doesn't feel right that the world just goes on after this tragedy. It doesn't feel right to just go to lecture, laugh at a joke, enjoy the spring like weather and go to work, when the world will never be the same again. But I know that's what she would have wanted me to do.

It's only been a few days but everytime the moon was looking especially nice, I saw the sunset or some daffodils growing on a hillside my first thought was to call her and tell her about it because that was the relationship we had and she would always call me to go out and look at the sunset or the night sky.

I just can't believe a soul as bright as hers can just been snuffed out of existence like that. The world is truly a darker place without her in it.

I've prayed prayers to heaven from my lowest place.

2017 was by far the roughest year of my life. I was drowning in emotions that I never thought I would be able to overcome. I've faced hardships that I've allowed to take over my life. But as I close out the year, I've remembered not to let these things define me. I have remembered that my purpose is to use these trials and tribulations as lessons, and to find the comfort to give to others going through similar situations. I got lost in 2017, but I have found my way back to my purpose. disclaimer: publishing this blog will cause a lot more commotion than I would like, however I vowed to myself that I would never publish anything that wasn't the full story. If I am going to help others, I have to open my heart completely. Shortly after my 17th birthday I told my parents that I was molested when I was younger. Seeing this person all of the time made each day more and more unbearable. My parents felt like they had failed me, like they didn't protect me. They blamed themselves. But how could they have known if I denied it over and over again? When I made the decision to move out of my moms house, my parents asked if anything like that had happened and I told them no. They did their job, it came to question. I made the decision to allow my mother to be happy, she had lost so much already. My mom questioned me for weeks. Was it a dream? Are you sure it was him? Are you positive? He says no. In this situation you can imagine all I wanted was my parents to hold me tight and tell me it was going to be okay, but instead I got questioned over and over again. After weeks of commotion, my mother decided she wasn't ready to give up on her marriage. She is still married to the man who did this to me. At first, I was bitter. Very bitter. I was ready to cut my mom off completely. I ignored her for weeks. I tried to explain to her that the definition of love is sacrifice, and she was sacrificing our relationship to be with him. I went to school everyday crying to my instructor, not understanding why my mom was okay with this. I told her if she wanted to be with him that was fine, but I wasn't going to be around him. Hardly anyone in my family respected my wishes. He was still at family events. He was everywhere she was. My family had the audacity to tell me that I shouldn't seclude myself from everyone, but who would want to be around a man like that? Right? Why couldn't they see it from my side? I was going to church every week. Praying. Crying. Singing. Crying again. Backstory: before I went downstairs to tell my parents, I made my girlfriend promise me she would be there with me through it all. She did not keep her promise. She tried, but it became overwhelming when my mom was calling and texting her when I refused to answer. It became too much when I was crying everywhere we went. I felt so alone. Why did I even tell anyone for my mom to still be with him? For my family to still be ok with having him around? For me to lose my girlfriend? None of it made sense. However, this was only the beginning of a very very long spiral of unfortunate events. A couple of months later, my girlfriend and I had gotten back together. Things were great, or so I thought. She seemed happy but became a little distant. One night, her location was in an unfamiliar place. I found out she had been cheating on me. Again. Except this time, she wasn't just cheating on me. She was raising a child with someone else. I think that's what cut deeper than anything else. The person I wanted to marry, have children with, spend forever with.... was doing those things with someone else. Promising forever with someone else. Giving everything I deserved to someone else. I questioned why not me? I've put up with hell, I've been sticking by your side for years after being treated horribly, how did she just swoop in and take the life that was supposed to be mine? After 3 years of cheating I decided to draw the line at the baby. It was an image I would never be able to get out of my head. MY girl raising someone else's child. I couldn't bear it. It's the greatest pain I had ever felt. Until 2 weeks later. I started school on May 31st. This angel of a person instantly became my best friend. She would come upstairs and talk to me. She had my back when people started to become messy. She listened to all of my family problems, she listened to all of my relationship problems. She let me be sad and angry and hurt and never made me feel bad for it. I felt free when I was with her because she allowed me to feel the emotions I needed to let out, unlike my girlfriend. She hated when I held things in. We grew closer and closer. I began to feel an attraction to her. After I found out what my girlfriend had been up to her and I would text and talk on the phone more frequently. She was the person I called when I first found out what was going on, crying and screaming. I felt her heart breaking for me through the phone. We became a lot closer than I had ever expected. We knew what was going on between us, but I told her I would never let it become too serious because she was just days away from graduating & I knew I wouldn't make the effort to be with her once she left. On September 14th, 2017 she graduated. But we were in an argument. I was mad at her. She left that day with all of her things and I didn't say a word to her. The next day she texted me asking me if I was over it, she called and texted and called and texted all weekend. I continued to ignore it. Sunday she asked if I had gone to church, I still ignored it. She called me Sunday night, declined. Monday morning I woke up to a message from her sister saying that she had died in a car accident Sunday night. I lost it. I never told her how I really felt about her. I never told her how much she meant to me. I was ignoring her and all she wanted was for me to answer. My greatest fear in life has always been losing my significant other. While She wasn't really my significant other, she played the emotional role of one. I was ready to give up on life. Who was I going to call when I needed someone? Who would let me yell and cry and be upset? Everyday I went to school and sat in her chair and cried. I even asked my counselor if I could take a leave of absence. I sat in that office for days and cried. One day in particular, I really lost it. I was at my lowest place. I didn't know what to do. I was ready to give up. I was ready to die. I laid on that classroom floor and cried and screamed for hours and hours and finally, they called my dad to come pick me up. He sent my brother & my nephew. In that moment I felt like I was no longer capable of doing anything. I truly was about to check out of life. I never thought I was going to be able to overcome that feeling. Once we moved schools and I wasn't faced with seeing her station everyday, life became a little easier. I decided I was going to stop crying, and get my shit together. For her. Because that's exactly what she would tell me. She was not one to throw pity parties. Everyday when I finished a balayage, I knew she was proud. I began to live everyday trying to be everything she saw in me from the jump. It amazes me that God put an angel in my life just when I needed it the most, but I still will never understand why he took her right back. But it's not my job to understand it, God works all things for the good. While I still have hard days, I'm a lot stronger than I was that day laying on that classroom floor. Even though I don't understand it, I like to think it all happened so I could tell this story, so I could be there for someone who has faced the same situation. For two weeks after she passed, I dreamed of her. She let me redo the day she graduated because she knew I was struggling with how I said goodbye, or that I didn't. Every night I dreamt of her, it was my chance to redo all of the days I felt I could've done a better job at being there for her like she was for me. She is with me everyday, everywhere I go. If you asked me 365 days ago if I thought I would've faced all of these things in a 3 month span... I would've said no. If you told me I was going to go through these things and come out stronger than ever, I would've laughed. But that's just it, I feel like going through these things made me realize I am far stronger than I ever thought I was. I am not afraid of anything. I live knowing that I am capable of anything. If you asked me that day on the classroom floor if I thought I would even still be alive today, I would've said no. I guess my point is, don't ever get too attached to the idea of anything. God always has better for you. He always has other plans for your life. While losing my best friend was the worst pain I've ever felt, I came out stronger because of it. I know now that any opportunity God sends my way, I'm capable of handling it. I know now not to hold grudges. Answer that call. Answer that text. Tell that person how you feel. Never ever skip an opportunity to tell someone how much they mean to you. I have a new journey on the way for 2018. Something I never thought I would be capable of, but now I know that I am. God has an extraordinary life planned for me. I don't know where it's going to lead me, but I do know that I will have faith. I do know that I will love the people around me harder than I ever imagined. I do know that I will extend God's grace to all who have hurt me. My God is not just a God of the hills, but a God of the valleys. And even though I felt alone, I know I was not. He was working it all for the good. I will never ever lose faith in the God who brought me through my greatest fears.