#and my lecturer had no idea what to do
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#the way I've been on the edge of a breakdown this entire week lol#Monday was truly the worst day I've had in a long time#took yesterday to take care of myself and try to get on top of things#but there was too much to do#so today I inevitably felt *incredibly* chaotic and I know how much it shows to the people around me#and then I had a problem with R..... like.. I have never had a problem with it before (R my beloved)#and my lecturer had no idea what to do#no one had any idea what to do about it#I scoured stackoverflow#3 fucking hours and I finally managed to fix it (nothing on stackoverflow worked lol)#but it stressed me out so much I couldn't focus in the lab and just spent the 2 hours fixing it#and now it works minus the package my lecturer made but I'll let him install it in the lab tomorrow and we'll see#but it means I couldn't do the (ungraded but still helpful) assessment in time :)))#and now I have to watch a tonne of videos about digital signal processing before a 9am lecture tomorrow#there is so much to do tomorrow lol#but at least we're going to the pub in the evening#and Friday I have plenty of time#but yeah#obviously postgrad is a step up but it's more intense than I imagined#cause the learning curve is so steep
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as a writer, i feel absolutely zero sympathy for richard madoc. you're really telling me this dumbass's plan was to sit down and have a novel just pour out of him from start to finish. man had two whole years to write a novel and he didn't even have an ATTEMPT at an outline. 70% of his problems could have been solved if he just sat down and brainstormed a simple outline first and the other 30% came from locking a goddess in his house. he didn't need calliope he needed a goddamn writing 101 course
#title tbc by me#oh he had no ideas tho#that's like the FIRST thing they teach you#when he wrote at the top in arial font and that was it i fucking lost my mind#before you write a WORD of your novel get a basic ass outline#and don't give me the bit cause like. that's ALSO the point of an outline#you throw shit at the page until it sticks and develop from there#THEN you start writing the actual book#how are you lecturing about writing when you clearly don't know what the fuck you're doing#he dodged the question in the beginning about his process because he doesn't have one#richard madoc#ric madoc#sandman#sandman netflix#the sandman
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Giving nicknames, testing boundaries (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#Max Vyer#Dexter Favin#How /did/ Max come to like him so much in just two years? I have my theories :3#More Teen Max!! Nothing has changed I just continue to love him lol#Two years is a pretty quick turnaround for such a stubborn kid - though I guess for a child two years can be a long time haha#Went from just hating Dex's guts of trying to drive him away and make him quit and hating being kept on a short leash#Does make me wonder how much of him kissing him was an impulse - I mean obviously lol but how much was genuine attraction!#Certainly seemed like a lot :0 Even upon being rejected he couldn't give it up! Still took him another several years to act again tho haha#I mean - in the text lol who knows what they got up to in the time skips hehe ♪#AnyWay lol - them getting used to each other of slowly working into tolerating each other#Max said something in one of his wake-ups that as I read it implied Dexter was something of a polyglot?? Which - love that ♪#If not conversationally-fluent then at tourist-fluent y'know I think that's great <3#Which got me thinking about other languages and insults and curses haha#I like the idea of Dex only really strong-arming Max about Actual deviant behaviour - something that puts himself or others at risk#Harmless little things like any teen would do - like name-calling! Haha - just get a kind of neutral ''Huh''#As well as interest <3 Not an outright dismissal not a lecture but at least the appearance of investment!#Considering Max's home life I can't imagine he had all that many people genuinely (or fake) interested in his shenanigans#All about suppressing the symptoms more than rooting out the cause it's amazing what just showing a little interest can do#I also just think it's cute of Max getting away with something silly and harmless but totally biting and mean! <in his mind haha#Silly lad <3
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lmao looking at her insta highlights was a mistake
#i feel worse WHY DOES SHE HAVE TONED MUSCLES UGHHH#also my confidence has gone down a tiny bit bc why is she hanging out w all these cool ppl#how is this girl simultaneously a lawyer and also has her social life on max like give me a break#thered a photo of her walking around in heaven either before closing or after opening shes sooo#HOWEVER. i just had a call w her yesterday that made me realise my idea of romance is more romantic than her idea of romance#but also that she doesnt want to do smth super romancey on a 3rd date which according to my friends is fair but according to my heart#it is not. like why are u on a date if u dont wanna do anything romancey at that point just hang out w friends#odd of her to say that too considering our first two dated were quite romantic . anyway#yo this cafe is playing persian music nice. anyway yh#also she makes being middle eastern so gay yk the goodbye fake cheek kiss thing we do . where u like . kiss the air on the sides of the#persons face when ur saying goodbye. ygwim . yeah she doesnt do the fake air kisses she gives u two tender kisses like . anyway#i discussed the stuff she does w my friend and like why r her words so aloof and her actions so...not . and my friends reaction was#basically this is fuckboy behaviour. apparently he used to do that to girls ?? like tell them he rly liked them#and be all charming and romantic even tho he rly wasnt invested at all and he mostly wanted to hook up. like ok#im gonna kill myself then. why would u stroke my hair w my head on ur LAP THEN. WHAT IF SHE TURNS AROUND AND IS LIKE#oops it was nothing#....ill kms actually. no i womt. but anyway#also got added to the gc w the other lecturers givjng talks on the 6th so its getting more real#my friend was like did u do the script yet :))) . almost died shes so scary i love her . but . fuck two exams . crush. talk. ucl cambrdige#three conferences aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA im so anxious i dont even feel anything atp#......I HAVE NO MONEY!!! TO TOP IT OFF#my crush and i are both iranian (aka born w extremely expensive taste woven into our genes) but i wanna like#treat her w the entire 2 quid in my bank account ig ♡♡♡#crushposting
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so it turns out it was actually never that serious
#the exam literally went fine what the fuck just happened i feel like i just hallucinated that#like im not one of those people that go 'omg i did soooo badly :(' just to come out with top grades if i say it's going to shit#then it's becuase i genuinely wholeheartedly believe it#and my headspace before this exam was the worst it's been in MONTHS like i havent felt that bad for an exam since first year#and i sat down opened the paper and. remembered everything. like i literally just Knew the answers#im not saying ive passed bc am i fuck about to jinx it and i was still riding mainly blind bc i have NO idea where that knowledge came from#but at the very least there was a 35 marker that i KNOW i aced like i could picture the exact lecture slides it wanted me to discuss#and i had all of them memorised so at the very least ive got like. 30 marks. which is enough for me to pass the module#bc this exam is only weighted 75% and with my marks from the other 25% i only needed like 20 marks to pass this exam#which... makes it even more embarrassing that i failed it the first time but whatever!!!!#oh my god im so glad that's done im so happy IM FREE#just been in the kitchen dancing around to my little tunes and texting my friends <3#im meeting up with one of them when she gets off work at 5 and we're going for drinks#so ive got until then to nap and chill and then ill go to the shop and get us some food and wine#and she's gonna come here for a bit & then we'll go. like actually look at me. im having people over at MY HOUSE im going out to buy us WIN#im literally a functioning adult living independently who IS she a misty memory#alas i do only have £23 in my account so this is gonna be such a slay seeing how i make that stretch for a night out#i acc could budget for england when it comes to alcohol i think like the way i manage to have a good funky time with MINIMAL funds#is downright impressive. it's a skill idc what you say#hella goes to uni
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I PASSED MY FUCKING MATH EXAM ON A FIRST TRY!!! LET'S FUCKING GOOOO!!!!
#my post#my life#talk tag#this math exam had darkest works of devil enchanted in it#we didn't do any of those examples on lectures#AND I PULLED IT OF#I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT DEMON WAS POSSESSING ME AT THE TIME BUT I'M THANKFUL#i think i passed my first semester without any major problems#I'm so proud of myself#time to write about it in my diary
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Classic Who explores ideas, New Who explores morals
classic who is like 'i see this trend, lets explore what might happen if that trend continues and let the audience figure out what it's talking about and come to their own conclusions.'
new who is like 'this trend is BAD and i'm going to PREACH A SPEECH about why it's going to RUIN EVERYTHING' and it's so much more exhausting
#wren rambles#doctor who#this brought on by me watching orphan 55#which had SUCH a fun concept#and then absolutely FACEPLANTED with the doctor moralizing at the end#like yes doctor who has ALWAYS explored topical and political issues#but never is there a definitive I Am Telling You This Is Right message#whereas now I just had to sit here and watch 13 preaching at me?#ughghg#explore the idea but don't shove it down my throat#classic who had an episode (Ice Warriors) exploring climate change as one aspect of the story#talking about how all the plants were removed and that messed with the atmosphere etc.#but that was just a SMALL PART of the whole episode and it was never outright condemned (it was made clear it was BAD and the root problems#but that was never the BIG ISSUE the Doctor Lectured His Companions about) (not that victoria or jamie could do anything lol)#plus this feeds into my issues with 13's run (which started during 12's somewhat but less so)#where the Doctor is painted as the Narratively Right one#where when she says something that's what the narrative wants you to BELIEVE#which coming from Two and Three's run is WILD#because Two is chaotic and murderous when he thinks he's right#and he's manipulative and deceptive at times#and Three is selfish and pouty and rude#and don't get me wrong Thirteen has her issues and I lvoe them#HOWEVER. she's pretty much always RIGHT she's the Word Of God when it comes to moral things#and this more than anything is my biggest issues with Modern Who#mostly 12 and 13's eras#so i hope we move out of that somewhat in the new era but i'm not super holding up hopes (especially after star beast)#maybe one day i'll write a proper full article about it but GOSH#i don't watch this show to be preached at. I watch it for a fun/tragic scifi romp and also to see interesting ideas explored#and reflect the climate of the world and how society influences media#explore the idea of climate change turning the world into a post apocalypse! that's such a fun idea and topical!
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as a musician jesus christ protect your hearing. listen to music through headphones at safe levels. headphones over earbuds if you can. earbuds are so small they can't make bass sounds properly and emulate bass by being very very close and bouncing the sound around in your closed-off ear canal. you are basically blasting the frequencies right into your ears and letting them rattle about. if you go to/perform at concerts get earplugs and if you do this regularly get custom earplugs that are moulded to fit your ears. your hearing is so so important. I am BEGGING.
#the apprentice casts out another thought#hearing protection#like i think about this a lot because if i lose my hearing im fucked.#one of my lecturers at college had to cancel classes because he developed severe tinnitus#and he's a sound mixer. he needs the most objective idea of what things sound like.#so if you're in sound or music you better be protecting yourself.#but if you're a normal person do it because you do NOT realise how bad hearing loss and tinnitus is.#even if you already have it. it CAN and WILL get worse.#thank you for coming to my tedtalk
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another day, more zelda totk brain rot i'm sorry guys. plus eurovision finals is TONIGHT so you will see that on my dash but i will try to tag it with #eurovision or #esc cause for some reason a shitload of people decided my tlou writing is good and follow me for that. this blog was nothing but a reblog factory once i swear.
ANYWAY silhouettes my fucking problem child. i think i solved the plot issues i had with it. i know what to write. it is being written in "chapter 13 for real now" so you can guess how that process went.
#alex yells at the void#alex scribbles tlou#i also have two tess and joel fics i wanna write/in the works#one about ellie's fedra trauma#one where i put joel into situations with his anxiety#ANOTHER fic about hands#the its quiet uptown one which girlies that one will take forever and it will be way too long but it is what it is#girlies (gender neutral) of course or id even misgender myself lol#plus a very painful idea about joel sleep and arms holding him the working title is sad little spoon joel#do i have college yes yes i do have i been going to lectures for the last two weeks no no i have no#in my defense my depression got my therapist so worried#she started sessions by trying to figure out if i was gonna kill myself or not#the answer is no miss therapist i will not#but boy i had her WORRIED that woman is losing sleep over me#best and worst patient at the same time i am winning at therapy
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you ever just
#duck rants about something#hoooooo man. why did all my motivation and ability to create go out the window as soon as i finished that valk piece#i cant draw. i dont know what to draw i knew what i had to draw but i cant. put it on canvas#cant go in an art block now of all times theres less than one month and a half until finals and i need some sort of portfolio put together#by then and. i am Still exhausted i thought !! it was getting better but nope i am still incredibly fatigued by Everything#and to make matters worse its thursday tomorrow meaning the classes i dislike the most i just want to lie down for 10 years maybe i dont kn#maybe pursuing art as a career was a bad idea. maybe im not fit for this but im already over a year into this art school and i dont want to#waste the money my family's put into letting me go to this school#and i absolutely love it here the teachers are nice and my classmates are cool and i made friends for the first time in years#but god if i havent been in the worst headspace of my life this past year.#well this year was going a bit too well for me in terms of art i had a steady pace of imrpoving and trying out new things but now its just#i cant do anything. no matter what i doodle or sketch or just let my hand do whatever nothings coming out and it terrifies me#maybe im being dramatic! i know someone would say im being just that#god i dont want to go to class tomorrow either im not in the mood for a religious lecture but ive already skipped the past two weeks#keep it up any more than that and itll probably result in a call to my parents#my parents are probably gonna call me later tonight anyways. should get it together til then#maybe i need a nap. maybe i need to go outside and take a walk and look at a bug. maybe i just need to go out in a field and scream#auhgh but i need to draw i need to make Something i cant halfass something the way i did last semester and barely pass#and now im getting dizzy just typing this out thanks brain#ill probably delete this later i just really need to. hhghghhhgh please let me draw. please let me make something or anything at all#i dont know what id have if it isnt art.#ive always been mediocre at everything in my life the only thing giving me peace of mind is drawing#if thats all im good for then what even use am i without it#and sure! maybe im actually not that good at it! maybe my artstyle is uninspired and boring maybe im just wasting my time!!!#but i still love it immensely i love making my silly characters i love drawing out my dumb stories i love just.#making things and being okay at it. maybe. am i actually good at this probably not. maybe im also mediocre at this and just kidding myself#sorry for being emotional on a wednesday. must be the curse#anyways
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ugh i kind of want to do my diss about music + trance states possibly gender mediation through trance states or something like that but ritual and trance have been a hot topic in ethnomusicology for ages so I doubt itd be very original whereas ik the stuff ive been getting into about englishness, the past, race, and cultural hybridity is more hot off the press or whatever plus ive done it before so i have a lot of groundwork already. and then I feel like what I would love to do abt neurodivergence would actually feel like the thing thats most important and revelatory but I genuinely dont know how I would actually go about it like i think id have to do fieldwork or something like I feel really out of my comfort zone when im not basically just synthesising theory from two previously unconnected fields I know that is basically what my brain is just good at 😭😭😭 basically torn between what I should do what I can do and what I want to do eeeek
#I think when term starts I can just like bring my three ideas to my supervisor and see what they say#Im literally just so scared of making a fool of myself that I want to come with like everything already laid out or something like#I have a year to do it I don't think I have to have started before term begins 😭😭😭#and wrt the second one like that is important too it's just that firstly it's a very small field and secondly ik there are other ppl kind#of having the conversation as well now like since lockdowm#when I started they were still v much in nationalism and I was like I think race and the empire is like an underexplored component in this#but I think 2 years on there are definitely like wheels turning more now#and also outside of trad like it's been explored for years most of what I did was just like taking decades old work and inserting it here#its just that this is honestly a very very white field (which is exactly like. my point) so nothing really made it in#and like idk its weird as a white person to try n make my career out of that I don't want to do that Im also just like in 3 years of this I#have not had one non white lecturer or classmate#so it does feel like it kind of. is my job to make the ppl around me think abt like. why that is#ik if I go into arts education racial equality will always be a big part of my priorities but like. my goal would really be helping someone#to become A Voice on the issue rather than trying to be that myself which I think is an important distinction#sorry this is so long and. no one cares this is just my thinking to myself place and also I need to remember what my prev thoughts where#I mean if anyone is like oh that one sounds dumb or whatever then i welcome that ayeueisidhdj but im just like u don't like. have to read#this I know its sooo rambly
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can we bring back jewish autonomism or something. taking inspiration from a jewish pacifist seems like a good place to start on figuring out how the jewish people can ever be safe without betraying and violating our own values.
#admittedly it mostly appeals to me on a spiritual level#because obviously it did not uh. Work. Or ever create anything material. On account of coming into existence directly before the Holocaust#but atp i am just sick to death of listening to american gentiles tell me what they think about my people#whilst masquerading as freedom fighters and serious thinkers#would just be nice if there was an easily accessible space for jewish people to fuckin talk about this#without people who frankly know fuck all but want to feel morally just butting in to police & lecture#cos that has been the experience ive had trying to talk abt this with anyone who isn't jewish or palestinian unless they like#have a very solid background on middle eastern history WW2 and the history of judaism#which is not a lot of college students. as you may expect. Anyway. Thank you Michael Lerners outdated books#for exposing me to the idea that one can give a fuck about the jewish people and also think we're not entitled to do horrible things#in the name of our safety
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