#Like the inconsistency with the e in pokemon | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

akemitime · 1 year

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Why this didn't came earlier?, easy, when I was choosing her team, (wich was a headache because nothing feel good enough), I thought "Hey, in this au how would akko and Diana meet"? and drew a little comic below that and guess what? YOU CANT READ WHAT IS WRITTEN, I tried making bigger the text,editing the photo but nothing, is blurry so I'm making that thing in another paper X10 times bigger// ¿Por qué esto no llegó antes ?, Fácil, cuando estaba eligiendo su equipo, (el cual fue un dolor de cabeza por qué nada parecía lo suficientemente bueno), pensé:" Oye, ¿ En este au como akko y Diana se conocerían? Y dibuje abajo un pequeño comic y adivinen qué? NO SE PUEDE LEER LO QUE ESTA ESCRITO, intenté hacer el texto más grande, editar la foto pero nada, está borroso, así que lo volveré a dibujar en un papel X10 veces más grande.

Y bueno, aquí están mis razones inconsistentes para el equipo que quizás termine modificando// and well, here of my inconsistent reasons for the team that maybe I end up changing:

Cubone: Ain't going to lie he's here for the drama, but with him in the team I came up with some ideas like:he evolves in episode 19, he's super sweet and friendly so anytime there's an event that Diana needs him or they are going to battle Diana tell him to act serious, and he obeys but unintentionally ends up hugging everyone and Diana being unable to stay mad at him for too long, brings random white- grey rocks that looks like the bone or skull thinking that it will bring Diana comfort , all Diana team adores akko but he's the one who most shows it/ No voy a mentir él está aquí por drama, pero al estar en el equipo se me ocurrieron unas ideas: él evoluciona en el capítulo 19,es súper dulce y amigable así que cada vez que haya un evento que Diana lo necesite o van a pelear le pide que se ponga serio,y él obedece pero involuntariamente termina abrazando a todos y Diana es incapaz de enojarse con él por largos ratos, le regaló rocas random blancas/grises que se parezcan a su hueso o calavera pensando que eso será reconfortante para Diana, todo el equipo de Diana adora a akko pero él es quien más lo demuestra

Luxray(Arcanine): Un Pokémon arrogante y serio que impone respeto, me pareció a algo que aprovaria la Diana del ova, no quise poner a Arcanine al final ya que ya había visto un fanart de ella con uno// An arrogant and serious pokemon that demands respect, I feel like Diana from the ova would approve,I didn't want to put Arcanine in the end because I already saw a fanart of her with one

Lucario( Gardevoir/Gallade): I'm not hundred percent sure that I had done the right thing by putting Lucario but well, another serious looking pokemon but that deeply cares about her loved ones like Diana from the tv show, and how they can read auras she gets sad by how Diana is not always allowed to say what she thinks and her aura gets full of negativity/ No estoy cien por cierto segura que tome la decisión correcta al poner a Lucario pero bueno, otro pokemon serio pero que en el fondo se preocupa profundamente de sus seres queridos como Diana de la serie, y como ellos pueden leer auras ella se pone triste ya que Diana no siempre le permiten decir lo que piensa y su aura se llena de negatividad

Stouland(ponyta):Okey ya se que los Cavendish se especializaban en magia curativa pero no me convencieron los Pokémon con habilidades curativas y pensé :" bueno, si los Cavendish vivieron la guerra tuvieron que tener por lo menos un pokemon de rescate" y de allí apareció Stouland, además de ser un pokemon orgulloso e intimidante/ Okay I know the Cavendish were specialist in healing magic but it didn't convince me the pokemon with those healing habilities so I thought:" well, if the Cavendish lived the war they at least had one rescate pokemon" and that's how Stouland appear, besides being a prideful and intimidating pokemon

Lycanrock: Fanservice? Fanservice. And why a shiny?, because that would be praised and also it looks awesome/ ¿Fanservice? Fanservice. ¿Y por qué un shiny? por qué sería aplaudido y se ve increíble

Dartrix: Yo hiba a dibujar en realidad a Deciduye pero al final pensé que este debería evolucionar en el último capítulo como metáfora al final del desarrollo de Diana, Dartrix siempre se posa en los hombros de Diana y la gente cuando le ve la cara piensan que está molesto pero en realidad esta durmiendo, además que a diferencia de Cubone él causa problemas a propósito/ I was about to draw Deciduye instead but in the end I thought that he should evolve in the last episode like a metaphor for the end of Diana development, Dartrix always lays on Diana shoulders and when people watch his face they think he's angry but in reality he's sleeping, also unlike Cubone he causes problems on purpose.

#little witch academia #lwa #fanart #my art #lwa fanart #pokemon #diana cavendish #I know if Diana had a stater it will be from Galar but I hc that her familiar would be an owl #Dartrix se volvió loco cuando el scorbunny de akko le quemo el flequillo emo

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winged-void · 1 year

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Prime numbers be upon ye, wench

2. Favorite color when you were younger, and now?

When I was younger it was the specific Scarlet associated with crayola crayons. I distinctly remember being told it was a "girl color" and I never worked out why. I wonder if it was like. because some girls are named scarlet? because of the scarlet letter? we may never know.

Now it's Cyan or Teal. love them shits.

3. Do you wear eye-shadow? What color?

I Have before but i generally don't. When i do it's always really obvious and weird so i can look weird

5. In your opinion, is love at first sight real?

that is completely inconsistent with my understanding of love I have built over the course of my 8 year relationship with my wife (and other relationships before and during). Love is not attraction, it's commitment. It's a choice you make even when the Feeling isn't there.

7. First kiss details? (If you haven’t been kissed, reply how and if you would like to be.)

I tried to kiss my (now) wife after our second date but i missed and fucked up, and they asked me if I wanted to try again and I did it.

11. What is your hair like?

Soft? Long? Blonde? it tangles easy and it hurts lots bc my skin is sensitive everywhere. If i let you touch my hair freely, you know I trust you lmao.

13. What time do you go to bed? What time do you wake up?

generally around midnight. Generally wake up around 6 or 7. supplemented with naps in the middle of the day when I am allowed. Somehow i catpilled myself into a crepuscular sleep schedule

17. Favorite game as a child?

Interesting question, could have any number of answers. I always would say Majora's mask, it was probably my favorite game from an artistic perspective. But from the perspective of which one I just liked to play? Probably like. any given pokemon? runescape? adventure quest????

19. Princess, Fairy, Mermaid, or Unicorn?

Angel<3

23. Do you dance? Slow dance?

Not generally, i got shamed a lot as a kid and its hard to overcome all that still. I did take dance classes for my wedding though, and danced there.

29. When and who was your first crush?

Uhh as far as I remember probably like. this girl named taylor in 8th grade. We had a weird awkward sort of relationship that ended when she told me we actually hadn't been dating and she was dating someone else? She then proceeded to stalk me and tell me she loved me over and over for years after that. weird shit idk

31. Are you superstitious?

No.

37. Are you quiet or loud?

it depends? is anyone one of those as a rule? I guess when I'm quiet its intentional, usually because im shy or anxious or w/e, and when I am comfy i tend to get too loud.

41. Worst fear as a kid?

Dark or heights

43. why isn't there a 43?

Idk! but i added one

47. Do you feel everything, nothing, or you don’t know what to feel?

I feel a lot. I tend to feel it on a delay. Like. I will experience something and then feel all the emotions hours or even days later

#thank u memily #love tha primes

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protagonistheavy · 1 year

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Concept for a future Pokemon title. Instead of catching/obtaining an over-leveled pokemon and having that pokemon randomly refuse to follow your orders, I think a better implementation of the concept would be that over-leveled pokemon are reduced to the max level you're allowed to train, and only play out as their actual level once you've got enough gym badges or w/e.

I like the idea in SV that you could theoretically branch out, go to a high-level area, nab yourself a powerful pokemon -- but obviously something needs to be in place to prevent that one pokemon from destroying the game flow. The "doesn't listen to you" idea is tradition, but it's so outdated for an open world game. It discourages players from exploring out and away from where they're expected to be, because what's the point of catching a level 50 pokemon if it's just never going to listen to you until you're at a point where you couldve just caught it normally?

The fantasy that wants to be allowed here is the fantasy of completing one challenge -- catching a strong pokemon early in the game -- so that you can overcome other challenges. That should be the reward, but when your reward simply does nothing in battle over 50% of the time, that just isn't a reward. It's frustrating and inconsistent. When people catch a high-level pokemon, they want to USE it, so adjusting the system accordingly would be a great improvement: let people use those pokemon like normal, but power them down so they're not winning battles based on coin flips. The lore can be the same, "This pokemon doesn't respect you enough to use their full power." And then it will feel like a great reward to finally get that gym badge and see that pokemon's level spike up.

Or they could modernize the game even further and introduce a "Trainer Level," which is your own trainer's expression of aptitude. The higher your trainer level, the more benefits you accrue, like easier times catching pokemon, getting more exp from battles, learning new TMs, etc. The gym badge tiered system is cute and all but is still outdated; in a system like this, gym badges could provide a ton of trainer level exp, effectively still using the idea, or your trainer level can cap out and you'll be required to get gym badges to continue.

Anyway lots of good ideas for Pokemon the Franchise to use out there, hope one day they implement one.

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lachonk · 1 year

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How I tag shit

Fandoms I tag:

Pokemon - #pokemon

Stardew Valley - #stardew

Hello Kitty and co - #sanrio

Studio Ghibli movies - #ghibli

American Psycho - #batemancore

Preminger from barbie princess and the pauper - #preminger tag

Disco Elysium - #disco elysium

Jerma (fyi I don't watch him at all) - #jerma containment

Joe Biden (don't ask) - #bidenposting

Other content tags:

Posts that relate to or act as inspiration for my personal writing project - #db tag

Posts I wish I could pin but we can only pin one post - #the fridge

Posts about/for my best friend (@spogheti) - #bestie tag

Posts about/for my boyfriend (@its-the-freak-phone) - #bf tag

Posts I've stolen from my boyfriend - #bf originals

Favourite posts (anything from cool art to really funny videos) - #fav

Plush toys and stuffed animals - #plushies

Mental health and life advice - #affirmations

Shit that describes me personally - #about me

Pretty pictures that I like, often clothing - #aes

Things I wanna buy - #wish list

Posts I want to come back to - #for later

Recipes - #recipes

Viral posts of mine - #you might know me

When people make those fake posts or a series of fake posts - #fake dashboards

Depreciated tags that I don't really use but you can still search I guess:

Hot people - #bi tag

Ocean stuff - #ocean tag

Mermaids - #mermaid tag

Macarons - #macaron tag

Cute things - #babie tag

P.S.

I tag things kind of inconsistently, but I try to keep stuff organized. I work off of a queue and I blog from my phone so I sometimes just use the quick queue option and forget to add a tag. I don't really add trigger warnings to stuff because tumblr has a really great content filtering system that I use liberally and believe everyone should curate their own experiences. I filter out gore and blood as well as most discourse-related terms. I also have entire sentences from long posts (do you love the colour of....) filtered and recommend you do the same to make life easier 👍 I also filter donation post terms because I really am not in any place to send money to strangers online or "signal boost" anonymous e-begging. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for help, it's not a matter of judgement, it's more a principle about being skeptical of anything you see online. There are a LOT of scams out there.

In addition: I am a pro-trans cis woman and filter out terf-related terms because fuck that noise.

#mytags #the fridge #tag system #for later

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crossinghxrry · 2 years

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hello hello !!

. · . · . · . · . · . · . · . · . . · . · . · . · . · . · . · . · .

Learn about me !! ૮₍ ⸝⸝´ ꒳ ⸝⸝ ₎ა

꒱ my name 𖠌

im harrisson but i also go by panda/pandaz!!

꒱ pronouns 𖠌

i go by he/him pronouns and those only.

꒱ age 𖠌

am fifteen and turning sixteen in september ฅ՞•ﻌ•՞ฅ

꒱ how i identify 𖠌

im a gay trans man <3<3!!

꒱ extra info about me 𖠌

im taken and have been for almost a year !! (very excited ૮₍˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶₎ა )

very very convinced i am autistic, while not being diagnosed i allign with many many symptoms

i like to double up and combine my words, also like to replace im with mm (not on this post to avoid confusion). i will not using most punctuation beside !!

what my blog will be ꒰˵• ﻌ •˵꒱

. · . · . · . · . · . · . · . · . . · . · . · . · . · . · . · . · .

꒱ posts 𖠌

posts will range from "mood boards", random life updates, thoughts/ideas, and simple things about that i like

꒱ schedule 𖠌

i am not the most active on any social media platforms so my posts may be very inconsistent. ranging from spamming to not even once a month.

my interests and about me ૮˃̵֊ ˂̵ ა

. · . · . · . · . · . · . · . · . . · . · . · . · . · . · . · . · .

꒱ likes & dislikes 𖠌

my boyfriend<3<3, most house pets (especially cats), pandas, music, making "aesthetics", playing comfy games, anime, and art

dislikes: the general dislikes (rude people, racists, homophobes, etc), political talk, loud people, weird textures, bananas(icky icy), heavy judgement on interests, and others i can't think to name૮₍๑•ˑก₎ა

꒱ favorites 𖠌

♡ color

neutrals, green, and pastels (pink especially)

♡ animal

pandas, cats, seabunnies

♡ food

honey buns, goldfish crackers, wheat thins, pretzels

♡ game

stardew valley, minecraft, acnh, pokemon

♡ song

hollywood forever cemetery sings - father john misty, love song for lady earth - del water gap, witch love - nico yaryan

♡ movies

lion king, old yeller, avatar, brother bear

♡ shows

arcane, little bear, anne with an e, shameless

꒱ interests 𖠌

i am currently very very interested in stardew valley (my main farm just entered year 8 and near perfection!!)

i am also getting very interested in writing once again (used to be an old hobby) but it's coming back stronger than ever after reading a really good book.

creating "aesthetics" has been really really fun for me and im trying to get better and better at creating them, as well as editing images.

though it's not a strong strong interest i am trying to get back into art. though i am not good at it it was an old interest of mine which i would love to bring back

though i do not know if it is the right word, i think i am into "puppy regression". though im not positive that im fully into it, im comfortable using that term with what i do. my posts will probably be centered around it tons and that will also be me learning about myself.

╭♡─────────

thank you soso much for

reading my post !!

i hope i can get comfortable with

Tumblr after making these posts

and create more in the future

૮₍ ´• ˕ • ₎ა♡

ꔛꔛꔛꔛꔛꔛ

https://en.pronouns.page/@pandaz._

#puppy regression #puppy #anime #nintendo #aesthetic

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twansgendew · 3 years

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okay so spn thots

and also other stuff

but i've been thinking

how do hunters get their arsenals

like some weapons are probably hand me downs for like the Winchesters

but like the knives and stuff probably pre easy to get

but the guns

like is there hunter specific black markets

normal gun shops?

hunters that own gunshops that do special stuff for hunters?

like where do they come from?

idk

but like just where they get them from

what's the source?

idfk but just thonk

also the effects vary so much

like some are pretty okay

and some are terrible (vampire teeth especially)

but one thing that varies so much is the blood

like sometimes it looks like blood and sometimes it's like red syrup

also pokemon update

3rd gym beaten, using Pancake the underleveled diglet (small but powerful)

rest nobraincel is now a Nidoking (the weak) but rest of the team is pre much the same (Remy the trans girl raticate, Cas the you charmeleon, Gerber the odd oddish, Pretzelz the uhhh Magikarp)

hmm i dont know where theyd get their guns and i wonder where the salt bullet things would come from, would they be hand made mayb e? and YEAH some of the effects are soo bad but then others look pretty real and its so inconsistent

omg i love pancake the diglet and remy the raticate (alliteration!) and cas the charmeleon (more alliteration!!) and pretzelz the magikarp and gerber the oddish (gerber is such a name ever i lov e it <333)

#ask response #rat-on-fire

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firemama · 4 years

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theres an extremely specific part of writing or creating fan content over original content that i absolutely adore, and additionally suspect many of the best authors ive ever read share which explains why those amazing writers never venture far inti original content.

i dont have a recognized word to call this particular important part of good fics, but in my head ive always refered to it as "logic building."

in essence, its like as follows:

the original content presents you 8 Hard facts, canons, whatever you want to call it. these are obvious rules everyone knows. like in,,, Naruto, people who use chakra have nature types. or in,,, futurama, mutants are nit welcome on the surface of earth. in adventure time, there was a nuclear war. in undertale, humans have primary soul traits and colors. in rick and morty, there is a ln absolute inifinity of timelines, for every different variable. so on so fourth. Content Makers establish absolutes, rules, finite truths in their world building.

and then theres existing blank spaces, of course, because content creators cannot addres an absolute infinite number of questions, inifinite situations, in the limits of whatever their medium. limited by their air time, page count, or the constraints of entertainment or the medium itself. things will always be unexplored. in adventure time, we know that fins favorite color is blue, but we dont know jake's. in undertale, we know frisk was a red soul, and was Determination, and the souls of the other mentioned humans, but we dont know the absolute extent of possible souls, because the knowledge we see is only derived from the monsters direct experience with the humans they h a v e seen.

even more over, for the longer a story goes, theree will always be plausible inconsistencies. conflicting statments or hinted things that cant fit with the laws established. finn was colorblind, and this is pointed out by Jake, who is a dog; dogs are colorblind, jake would be unable to tell. in pokemon, pikachu learns moves that are not actually learnable for pikachus.

logic building is filling the gaps to explain where canon never could, or supporting the holes the story left by using the storie's own canons and logics. and its my favorite part of fic writing.

finn is red green colorblind, and his favorite color is blue, and that makes sense because blue is outside the red-green range, and it would stand out best in his vision. it makes sense he would never realize he is colorblind, because he was raised with dogs, and his dog family cannot see colors. adventuretime is set in a world that has large traces of the nuclear war, such as toxic radioactive rivers. jake has lived in the toxic land all his life. Jake, birthed from dogs, is already a mutant- capable of shapeshifting at will (due in part to what is a spoiler, so we'll call that "parentage"). i could write a story about adventure time- and one of my favorite things to write would probably be a conversation between the two of them talking about colors. Jake, as a mutant, seeing more colors than anyone in the family, including finn, his colorblind brother. Jake could talk about how hed always realized finn was colorblind in a /different/ way than the rest of the family, because jake could see than finn had always gravitated toward the dark and bright shades of blue, dressed in blue, and so on. Finn could talk about how Jake taught him about colors and their names well after they were babies, because his adopted parents didnt See or Name colors at all, and how jake helped him differentiate colors he couldnt truely see and name them. they could have a conversation about why jake never really t o l d finn that he was colorblind until the ruby/emerald incident- maybe it was because jake didnt want fin to feel like he was missing out, or maybe he didnt want to ostracize his brother any more than finn already had been as a kid- a human amound dogs and often teased by their dad for being a "baby" since he didnt grow as fast as his canine brothers. they could talk about things like how to finns eyes, princess bubblegum had always looked /blue/ and that flameprincess had been the sheer opposite of his limited color spectrum, that her coloring looked muted and not-blue. they could talk about how maybe jake could see even more than the normal visiual spectrum, and hiw truly amazing Lady looks to him even amoung other rainicorns, because she has more colors then they really do.

i could write on and on and on about the inbetween establishments of the shows rules, and logic, and how it could fill in a gap as simple as a favorite color of a character. it is infinitely interesting to me to build that logic and explore the whys and to look at a plot hole and explain it. and in people who write passionate, slow build pieces, i see SO much of that, too, of writing to fill in the gaps between walls that already exist. its a challange and an enjoyment to figure out the whys.

and maybe thats why original content isnt for every amazing fanfic writer. maybe you can write absolutely spectacular characters and plots and concepts and emotions. but maybe the interestingnpart isnt MAKING walls. maybe the interesting part isnt building the world, starting it all. maybe the interesting part is the hyper complexities and building the network, and thats so much easier to do when the walls are already built.

i call that kind of writing "logic building" in my head because i dont know what else to call it, but fuck do i love that freeform exploration of limits and explanations.

#munchatter #im thinking about this cause im trying to figure out #if my books on koyol are even going to have a fucking plot #so far im only rambling about him #about his life #about his details #and honestly i think ive only ever written this way #things like slavetale have general rules like Monster Slavery Exists #but can you say they actually have a solid plot?#a Goal? a Quest?#i dont think so

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moved99999999999 · 4 years

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U guys wanna know what I think about that hell hotel show

I feel like twitter’s very tired of seeing ppl talk about Hazbin Hotel, so I putting my opinions on tumblr where they belong. I’m not a “professional critic” by any means, but I’ll try my best given what I know. And don’t worry, I’ll be incredibly nit-picky to suit the internet’s needs.

I’m gonna mainly focus on HH itself instead of Vivzie’s accusations because that's a WHOLE other can of worms to open.

During the time of me writing this, I haven’t watched any YT reviews, but I’ve read a few threads criticising the show, so take that as my social influence bias.

My ted talk is allllll below the cut. Enjoy~

Context:

My first exposure of Vivzie’s work was her “Die Young” animation that I came across around 2016. Instantly I fell in love with how “smooth” and lively her animation was, and especially the fact that it was hand drawn. Animation like that was extremely rare to come by (and still is) and seeing her execute it so well with such complexed characters was amazing to my fetus self.

A few years later and I see the first trailer for HH. I instantly went OH I RECOGNISE THAT STYLE AND THOSE CHARACTER TYPE DESIGNS and was looking forward to what it had to offer.

On “opening day” I watched the pilot ASAP to avoid my opinions from getting warped by all of the key-mash memes and post call-out bitching (literally the extremes of the HH opinion spectrum), and overall.....

I thought it was good.

Not ground breakingly amazing, not horrifically terrible, but charmingly good.

(Ok now it’s actual review time)

Animation Quality:

As a hand drawn animation that has the freedom to get creative with its shots, a lot of effort was clearly put into how everything moves (it definitely didn’t take any lazy flash puppet shortcuts for the main sections of the show) and I can appreciate that. However it tends to be... rather inconsistent, most likely due to the varying skill level of the animators on the project. It’ll be nice and smooth one minute, and then awkward and choppy the next which can make the viewing pretty confusing at times. I’ll be honest I found myself overlooking these inconsistencies due to the characters and backgrounds themselves being very visually engaging, especially considering how over designed some of them can be (which I applaud the team for handling cuz wow that must have been painful). However, the needle thin and exaggerated art style makes some things incredibly hard to look at. While it helps with adding fancy details, it hurts in catching peoples eyes in the right place.

It’s also chalk full of little details, visual gags, and references that are hilarious to look at if you have the luxury of pausing every two seconds (the news segment and Sir Pentious turf war w/ Angel and Cherri are good places to look). But I feel like these lil details were put in at the cost of some some continuity errors (Charlie not wearing her coat in one shot, and having it back on in the next, papers being blank, etc.) and lip-syncing issues which really shouldn’t be happening considering all of the detail they were able to put in. There are also some shots that have just SO MUCH detail put into them, only to be shown for less than a second. I get that’s the cost of animation sometimes, but save the detail for the shots that need it, because at that point you’re just causing the animators to waste their efforts.

However, I was surprised at how professional the soundtrack and editing was. Not one but THREE songs in this single episode was really surprising, and the variation and quality of each was great (as cringy as Charlie’s song is)

But overall, the production quality is surprisingly good for a project like this, the editing, sound effects, and sound track act like a cherry on top. Of course there are some noticeable drops in quality, but given time and a budget, it has enough chops to look like an actual show.

Writing:

As far as overarching plot goes, it seems like it’s going to be one of those procedural shows that tries to be serialised, but it’s a creative twist on hell and has an interesting premise to begin with. You can get really creative with seeing how you’d dive into getting redemption out of all of these seemingly lost causes, and I’m sure there are many people willing to know the backstories our main cast. As a pilot, it did it’s job of launching the plot very well, setting up the premise of the hotel and introducing characters in a very engaging way. I was legit really interested in each segment with who in introduced, and it didn’t feel like I was being overloaded with names to remember (which can be a problem for many medias and introductions). The cohesion between each scene is VERY smooth, and I genuinely enjoyed some of the cliché cuts/gags.

Unfortunately I can’t extend this interest to our main character. Charlie is one of the most generic tropes we’ve ever seen. She’s a boring Disney princess who has a “cute happy positive goal to change her world” and the only thing that would make her more generic is if she wore a dress and cried “I’m tired of being so privileged”.

(Although it’s impossible to tell, I honestly think Viv is just projecting through her, especially considering how horrifically accurate the hotel’s opening mirrors the internet’s reaction to the pilot itself)

I would be more forgiving if she was a supporting character or someone less important, but she’s the freaking protagonist, arguably the character that has to be the most interesting. Angel’s personality seems to be “flirty porn star”, and while that’s just as bad as being a boring Disney princess, at least he gets a few jokes and has a profession more interesting than Charlie’s. Around the end of the pilot he just seems like he’s getting involved because Viv likes giving him attention. If he’s supposed to be leeching off of the hotel, wouldn’t not care if it survives or not?

(There’s that whole stereotype issue that everyone keeps bringing up, but I genuinely think that’s BS because people are blatantly ignoring the fact that Angel is a porn star, Vaggie is portrayed as helpful, and that the show takes place in H E double hokey sticks.)

The transitions may be smooth, but the dialogue pacing can get really awkward at times. This paired with the animation sometimes having awkward quality drops makes some movements incredibly jagged, and has some detailed shots show for incredibly unbalanced screen time as mentioned before.

I don’t have enough to give voice acting it’s own section so I’m just popping it down here:

The voice acting is legitimately better than several big name projects I know. It’s consistent, great at expressing the character’s mood properly, and each voice fits each character perfectly. My only gripes are that Alastor and Sir Pentious tend to grain on you after awhile due to them keeping a single tone for too long.

Character Design: AKA the only thing I have legitimate experience with.

First thing’s first. The characters are WAY too over designed. There are so many markings and accessories that are incredibly unnecessary. I think the mindset for these characters was “the more complicated and attractive the better”, which makes them look like they’re designed by an edgy tumblr artist (heck I fall for this too some times).

Especially if a character is going to be animated, you have to keep in mind the value of simplicity. You absolutely don’t have to fill in your character with markings and trinkets to make them look unique, I mean just look at the gen 1 pokemon starters. Thanks to the limitations of the game, the sprites were forced to be simple, and it was that simplicity that made them such unique and varied creatures. You can tell Blastoise is a bulky water blasting turtle just with a quick glance.

Many of the characters suffer from over complication, but I’ll look at Husk for example. He has these stripes all over him that do not contribute to who he’s supposed to be at all, and only look like they’re added to make him more unique. The markings that DO help are the little card suite marks on his wings, because those at least infer he’s linked to a casino/gambling type of theme. I would say his outfit helps as well, but formal wear and bowties are worn way to often by the main characters, which brings me to another problem.

They may look different, but they feel way too similar. From the same skinny body type, to generic head shapes, to outfits, the focus characters just don’t stand out amongst each other. Even the ones with interesting features still suffer from feeling generic. I’d say Sir Pentious is a good example of this. He has a serpentine/naga body and clever hair style that make his concept really creative, but his skinny body type, complicated eyes all over his tail, and generic “young but supposed to be at least middle aged” face just push him back into obscurity. He’s even wearing the SAME outfit as Alastor (who's an even worse offender of that generic face problem), and unless Viv has some plan to link the two, I’d say the characters need to stop using a dress code.

A successful character design can to tell you who the character is just by looking at them. You should be able to tell if a character’s personality, function, age, the universe they belong in, and if they’re important or not, and that’s a big problem when it comes to the background characters. If you pause on one of the extras for a minute you can see all of the effort put into designing them, and that takes away so much attention from the main cast. Not only that, but they have actual variations in their body types and outfits, which makes them more intriguing than who we’re supposed to be interested in.

Regardless, this pilot has potential, and if they can get someone to comb out the flaws, you can end up with something good. No one can deny a legitimate animation was made here, and the team successfully executed the start of a story, and that’s something anyone can look up to.

TLDR: The pilot is good. It has some major flaws, but it has potential to be a good show.

If you actually read this far epstein didn’t kill himself.

#I'm only doing this cuz i wanna draw angel dust and i feel like I have to justify myself before ppl start calling me mean things #Fan art is coming ;)#hazbin hotel #HH is good yall just have a mob mentality #critique

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thisisnot-chris · 3 years

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No story is perfect.

Never in a million years would I have thought my life's journey would turn out the way it has these past 29 years.

I remember growing up imagining what my life would be like after high school - wanted to be a meteorologist, thought I'd graduate college, have a wife and kids, you know... a "traditional American life".

Fast forward about a decade after high school - college wasn't for me in the long run, figured out I'm gay, and am now working in the music business - concert venue by day, producer by night.

Didn't see that coming.

Now obviously this didn't just happen out of nowhere - it came after years of working on a craft I never imagined I'd put my time into, putting myself out there after being a super shy little punk for so long, learning so many lessons the hard way, and connecting with so many people I never thought I'd meet. Through it all, I discovered what my life's passion is - to create genuine and authentic music listeners can feeling intense emotion from while bringing people together through it.

It's funny to look back on this because I HATED doing music related things when I was a young kid, from piano lessons, to choir practice, to playing the alto sax. But all it took was one moment to change my perspective on it and end up devoting my life to it.

That moment was during my junior year of high school.

An old friend that just transferred to my class from another school caught my attention when I discovered he was practicing guitar after school in an empty classroom while I was waiting for the school bus to pick me up and take me home. I wish it took longer for the bus to come because he was INCREDIBLE and I wanted to sit and listen endlessly. Imagine being 16 and playing Metallica's "Master of Puppets" spot on; that's what he could do alongside so many other songs. Pantera? Megadeth? Ozzy? Van Halen? Slayer? He could take it all on. (Fun side fact - I got to perform Aerosmith's "Dream On" and Ozzy's "Crazy Train" with him for our high school graduation and I WAS THE SINGER - definitely not a rock vocalist when I look back on it but it's a memory I still cherish today).

So that moment and hanging around him shortly after convinced me to try out the guitar.

And then a couple years later, it led me to try songwriting.

And finally during my freshman year of college, it led me to electronic music production (Thanks to Skrillex's music blowing up at the time).

Not what I expected but it got me somewhere thanks to my old friend.

Unfortunately he is no longer with us today; hearing that news back in my junior year of college crushed me. The impact he made on me is something I wish I could thank him for today. I ended up carrying the impact through an alias I made years ago.

That alias is Full Metal Jackson, or as a lot of people have come to know the name as now, FMJ.

It was conceived in 2013 as an ode to him and combines two things he loved in the name - his favorite movie "Full Metal Jacket" and his Jackson guitar.

Since that year, I spent endless hours on learning music production and songwriting (alongside learning music theory and aural skills from college at the time) so I could take my best shot at writing music I liked and could then share. That early music would range from dubstep, electro house, progressive house, future house, tech house, tropical house, big room, future bass, jungle terror, drum & bass, trance, moombahton, and other various styles.

While the skills for writing/producing music consistently built, the real challenge at the time was the matter of sharing it with others; even just a few people.

Of course I'm still gonna make music because I like it but I strive for something with music I share - if one person can get something positive out of what I wrote and shared, I'll be satisfied. If it took my old friend to just play guitar in an empty classroom to impact me that much, imagine what could happen if it was me playing the music for someone else.

But still, sharing music (or more specifically electronic dance music) in my small hometown of Neenah, WI... well, no one in that town was really into that kind of music (or at least who I knew and associated with at the time). Nothing wrong with that but I felt stuck from it. As 2016 hit, I stopped publicly sharing music for about 2 years because of this stuck feeling.

Around that same time though, a long period of self discovery began. Who was I and what did I want to do with my life? During it all, I met so many different people, travelled to different places (even out as far as Toronto, Canada), and found out there was more out there for me.

2018 comes and I got convinced to check out concerts that I didn't even know were happening in this state (thanks to my close friend Spookybro who I met when working at this e-commerce company selling toothbrushes in Neenah). I got to meet even MORE people but this time they had similar interests and love in the music I was so enveloped in for the longest time. Next thing you know, I start playing some small shows that summer and then shared music again publicly for the first time in years that September (the song was called "Number One", which I wrote for two good friends that got married that same month). More opportunities then came when I moved to Madison, such as playing opening slots for all kinds of international touring acts ranging from Downlink to Eptic to Tisoki (even got to perform with him for a B2B on stage); more music came from it that I still love today and I was able to share it with more people and see positive impacts made on some. There was even one song called "Snake Jazz" I released that (I felt) got a significant amount of attention in the underground scene; it even got support from names I've come to love like ATliens, Blanke, Eliminate, Crankdat, and more. Obviously it's not like I became some superstar making hundreds of thousands of dollars while being signed to some major label or agency from any of these opportunities and experiences, which that's not what I'm after, but it was still crazy when looking back on it.

That's where life led me with music.

Never thought that would happen.

Yes, there were tons of rough times, low points, and challenges during it all. Friends were lost. Relationships were put on the line. Periods of intense stress, anxiety, even depression set in. It even came close to a point of ending my life from a struggle I faced I've shared about too often during that all, but it and nothing else ended up stopping me in the long run.

And from everything I've gained from that entire period, I wouldn't change it ever.

But during 2020, I came to a point where I asked myself an important question - is this what I want to do with music and my life in the long run?

...

So while the pandemic took the world by storm, an opportunity came for me to find out what I was meant to put out there.

And after writing music for over 11 years now...

I finally found my sound.

This opportunity let me take everything I have come to love throughout my life, such as different kinds of music (Porter Robinson/Virtual Self, Illenium, Seven Lions, RL Grime, Skeler, The Prodigy, The Crystal Method, Pendulum, Linkin Park, etc), to different kinds of shows/games/toys (Pokemon, Bionicle, Cowboy Bebop, Fullmetal Alchemist, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Death Note, Halo, Portal, etc), to nature/outdoor settings (sunsets, cityscapes, skyscrapers, etc), even to different colors (blue, orange, purple, pink), and combine concepts based on them all in various ways to make a sonic identity that is truly me. It may not be the most innovative identity at this point, but it is 100% me. Not to mention I'm always one to try different things and experiment, seeing if something new can come forth and grow exponentially from where this starts.

Which it all starts tomorrow, July 14th, 2021.

And while I'm beyond scared to reveal it all, I'm excited nonetheless.

Funnily enough, I originally planned on launching this project in September 2021 but an opportunity was given to me (thanks to my friend Synymata) pushing up the launch date; now from it though, the project's debut release will be on a well-known EDM record label I am happy to be a part of now. Guess it ironically ties into the name of the project a bit.

But knowing this is the point I'm at currently from looking back years ago is insane to me and I can't wait to see what could come from it.

As I said before, I'm not trying to be some superstar but I'm obviously gonna try and take it as far as I can. Even if there's days or even weeks where nothing productive comes from my sessions, I can't let it stop because I'll never know what could happen from it without trying. Maybe something unbelievably crazy will happen. Maybe it will take me to cities and countries I never imagined to see with my own eyes. Maybe it will connect with new people I end up calling life long friends. Maybe I'll meet the love of my life along it all.

Or maybe none of this will happen.

I honestly don't know.

But I'm never gonna know unless I try.

That's the mentality that changed my life for the better within the past few years than if I didn't approach matters like that.

And it has and/or could for those reading this too with that mentality depending on the situation.

Yes, mistakes were still made; lessons were learned. And they continue to be made and learned from. The same can apply to anyone reading this.

But it's all part of the journey.

It's not perfect.

It's inconsistent.

It's not a smooth straight line - it's rough, jagged, and curves in many different directions.

It's broken.

But, for me at least, I wouldn't have it any other way. All the memories made; the realest and most genuine people I've come to call friends; the family I am fortunate to have; the lessons learned; the skills gained; the experiences; the happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, ALL the emotions and feelings that came from them. All of it was worth it.

Crazy how unexpected moments whether in high school or at some e-commerce job you're working at can change it all for the better in the long run; they basically shaped my story into something why better than I could’ve imagined.

So if you're reading this and feel your story isn't what you had in mind so far - your story isn't over til' you say it is. You'll never know what it could be unless to give something a shot. Getting that new job, going on that trip you've dreamed of, finally asking that crush out; you never know unless you give it a shot. Of course everyone's life is different and situations aren't all relatable, heck you may not take on the opportunity once it appears and that could be better for your story too!

Regardless, whenever an opportunity comes, you'll know what will be best to do.

In the end, the story will continue til' you say so. And I feel it is best to keep telling that story for as long as you truly can.

Hey, like I said, no story is perfect. Ever.

But the best stories aren't all "happily ever after fairytales".

The best I feel are the ones that you get something positive out of.

They TEACH you; INSPIRE you; make you FEEL; CHANGE you for the BETTER.

They give you this indescribable feeling that lingers over you that you can't seem to shake off at first and it may even feel scary at times but after it subsides, you know something good happened to you from it.

Those are the stories that define you.

And what more could you want than to share them alongside that indescribable feeling and so many other emotions with someone else in this life.

In this journey.

This saga.

That's what this new project is all about.

And you're all welcome to be a part of it.

This Broken Saga.

#brokensaga #nostoryisperfect

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vanogla · 6 years

Text

.txt

(feel free to ignore this large block of text)

its nothing bad i promise, just needed to let off some steam ;<

Tldr ; im writing a ddv gang au fic inspired by gangbbs's criminal records

*has 13 tabs open: 7 of them homework, 4 of them fanfic research, 2 of them gang au playlists*

Nogla is a weapons expert i gotta show that he knows his shit.

...but i know nothing.

*googles the difference between magazine and clip*

*youtube.com how to load a pistol*

i hope nobody is tracking my search history.

*writes for 2 nights + one entire afternoon*

*word count: 4k*

........ that's so less D:

2 am in the morning:

*reads entire section over and over*

cmon cmon i know something is off but WHERE??????

...

"That's not hot you do it," he says.

AHA!!!!!!

*corrects mistake and goes to bed*

*writes fanfic after an entire year of no writing*

*4k words in, finds plot hole that affects whole story*

FUCK, FUCK FUCK I HATE MYSELF. FUCK WRITING- I HOPE TO GOD NO ONE NOTICES

...

oh who tf am i kidding it MAKES NO SENSE!!

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

THERES SO MANY BBS MEMBERS HOW TF AM I GONNA INTRODUCE THEM ALL.

they're supposed to be going on a lot of missions... but i am LITERALLY writing AROUND the action scenes just to put it off..

*uses the word laugh 12354466357745 times in the story*

*looks up synonyms for laugh*

...

im sorry but chortle sounds like a fucking pokemon i am never ever using that word

...

guffaw sounds like a sneezing cow.....

*writing in David's pov*:

his speech pattern is on point, he gets a little inconsistent at times but its fine, he's fine, don't change anything because i'll never be satisfied..

*does jack shit with Evan's character*:

just give him really awesome dialogue and 60% of all the times i’ve used laugh and that is exactly what he's like lmao

*everyone else*: the room bursts into laughter

i don't think David's the type of guy to ride a motorbike.

...how is he going to get around the city tho

..........

....better give him one anyway

..ooc but w/e

*has only written smut once and it was hetero*

*writes smut*: ...im uncomfortable but i also want to leave my comfort zone to try something new

*writes smut in explicit detail*: LOL the smut is as long as one-third of the plot so far fml???!!

*somehow, someway- the smut turned into a fucking FEELS FEST!!- and David's crying and Evan's lost AF and my heart is dead in my chest!!!*

*plans to split smut from story using chapters so ppl uncomfortable with it can skip those chapters*

*puts plot and character development in smut scenes*

@myself -_-

*realizes that writing is pain and respects writers 10000000x more now*

Im so impatient i want to complete this already :S i cant even post what i have so far because im writing out of order and there are chunks of text missing everywhere. i dont even know what the ending is yet gdi

welp thanks for reading ;v; since you apparently wasted 5 mins of your life reading this, why not lemme know by wishing me luck? xD

#.txt #aaaaaaaaaaghhhhhh i want to answer asks so BADLY but i CANT #not yet!!#thanks for being so patient abt the lack of drawn asks these past few days

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purrincess-chat · 6 years

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Tag Thingamajig

I was tagged by @livinglittlelie

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs that you would like to get to know better! Aaaand go!

Nicknames: E, Em, Cat, Munchlax, Mayor, piece of trash with an inconsistent upload schedule

Gender: I’m a lady

Star sign: Gemini

Height: 5′6″ (mwuhahaha convert it!)

Time: It is 9PM

Birthday: May 25

Favorite bands: Panic! At the Disco, Fall Out Boy, Mayday Parade, The Score

Favorite Solo Aritsts: Nathan Sharp/Natewantstobattle, Kesha, Ariana Grande

Song stuck in my head: Never Enough from The Greatest Showman

Last movie I watched: I believe it was The Greatest Showman around New Years?

Last TV show I watched: Miraculous Ladybug I think, I’ve been watching a lot of YT lately instead of Netflix

When did I create my blog: This blog specifically? I think just last year, maybe late 2016?

What do I post: On this blog ML fan art/theories/random posts, my fics that I write for ML, and sometimes random writing things

Last thing I googled: I believe it was a picture of the Dupain-Cheng bakery for a fic that I’m writing because I wanted to know what the wooden things were called (they’re called peels apparently, the more you know)

Do I have other blogs: My main blog @mightymunchlax and my animal crossing side blog @acnl-mayor-cat plus a couple challenge blogs, and of course @chlorine-bourgeois

Do I get asks: Sometimes if I ask for prompts or something. I have a few in my ask box I need to get to, but rip my life

Why did I choose my URL: So, in the French dub of the show in Evillustrator, Chat Noir calls Marinette “princess” and he’s the pun lord so I went with purrincess, and then in discord my username is MayorCat and everyone calls me Cat, and so since it’s a French TV show blog, I went with “chat” and plus it’s dedicated to my favorite salty bean, who happens to be a cat, so yeah

Following blogs: 1039, but I haven’t cleaned that list out in a while tbh

Followers: On this blog I have 939, so getting close to 1k! I’ll have to do something special, maybe I’ll torture all of you with poorly drawn art

Favorite colors: Coral, teal, navy blue, rose gold, berry

Average hours of sleep: ~6-7

Lucky numbers: 19

Instruments: I played clarinet for 7 years

What am I wearing: A red t-shirt with the pokemon logo on the front and a pokeball, and grey lounge pants with Jiji from Kiki’s Delivery Service on the pant leg. And space cat socks

How many blankets do I sleep with: Depends on how cold/hot it is, but usually I sleep with my comforter and top sheet. If it’s super cold I may throw another blanket on top or have a throw blanket underneath. If it’s super hot, I may just sleep with the top sheet, but I usually sleep with a fan blowing on my face, so that’s normally not an issue.

Dream job: As much as I would love writing for a living, I ultimately want to work in mental health treating people or possibly doing psychological research. I’ve also always wanted to be a gamer on YT.

Dream trip: Anywhere tbh. I haven’t traveled much in my life. Probably Japan the most then maybe Europe. I’m hoping to go on a cruise with my best friend this year at some point, and we plan to go to Belize. She tells me it’s un-belizable. I’ll see myself out

Favorite food: Pasta and cupcakes

Nationality: Murican

Favorite song right now: Uhhhhhh, Heroes Never Die or Branded by Nathan Sharp probs

I tag @perditaalottachocolate-blog @lalunaunita @imaginal @haveievermentioned uh idk whoever else wants to do this go for it Lie already tagged some of the people I’d tag too

#tag thingy #thanks for the tag lie!#personal #real life

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whateverbroski · 7 years

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get to know me tag

tagged by @definitelythis ^^ ur lovely wtf i’m honored

Rules: Answer 30 questions then tag 20 blogs

Questions

Nicknames: janana, janini, Q (from my viet name), pants (my name in viet sounds like the word pants), choco (i hate this one but it caught on by my sisters & what’s done is done)

Gender: female

Star sign: virgo

Height: 5′4 ish

Time: 8:02 p.m.

Birthday: sept 3, 98

Favourite bands: b1a4, monsta x, shinee, gfriend, clc, up10tion, seventeen, nct, oh my girl, red velvet, f(x), nu’est, day6.... this list can go on for days, i can’t pick legitimate favs or else i’ll d*e... i don’t listen to music outside of kpop really lmao

Favourite solo artists: lim kim, dean, heize, eric nam, iu..... there are more but i’ll keep it that short

Song stuck in my head: in varying frequencies: “tina” by pristin, “i’m your boy” by The Boyz, “where u at” by nu’est w, “o sole mio” by sf9

Last movie I watched: i rewatched cart on netflix but the last i saw in theater was the tokyo ghoul live action

Last show I watched: voltron: legendary defender

When did I create my blog: 5 or 6 years ago????

What do I post: copy & pasted from my description: “mainly an inconsistent mulitfandom k-pop blog. there's also pokemon, kingdom hearts, animal crossing, steven universe, avatar, cute animals, anime, food, disney, etc.”

Last thing googled: bullet train jpop (the guy who played hide in the tokyo ghoul movie was!!! the cutest!!!! and a member of this group!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Do you have other blogs: i just made @incorrecttheboyz about a month ago, follow for incorrect quotes & more from the yet-to-debut group The Boyz

Do you get asks: once every like month maybe lmao

Why did you chose your URL: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 13 or 14 y/o me said bro a lot & wanted to be cool i guess

Following: 675

Followers: 785 (me: how)

Favourite colors: purple, yellow

Average hours of sleep: 6hrs? 8 max

Lucky number: i have No Luck, this doesn’t apply

Instruments: played flute during middle & high school, haven’t touched it since

What am I wearing: pajamas! big ol’ shirt and some sweatpants

How many blankets I sleep with: 2

Dream job: tbh going into environmental chemistry would be neat,,

Dream trip: asia tour!!!!!!!!!!!! let me see cherry blossoms & eat good food

Favourite food: ramen! eggs! macarons!!

Nationality: i’m from america!!!

Favourite song right now: “OMW” by johnny balik :) what a rare sight for me to be listening to music in english LOL

i’m too tired to tag sOOoo as always have a try & tag @ me if u wanna do this!!!!

#tag tag #myself #personal #definitelythis #i'm BORING but i live. tragic

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dastardlysims · 7 years

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get to know me tag

thank you for the tag @late-acid-rain !! rules: tag the ppl you would like to know better zodiac sign: aries height: 161cm (5ft 3) time right now: 15:47 last thing googled: caffeine and weird dreams (i was wondering if the insane vivid dreams i have every night are related to my unhealthy amount of caffeine intake ok) favorite music artist(s): 1975, twenty one pilots, the wombats !! last tv show watched: american horror story bby what i’m wearing right now: high waisted jeans, a tartan shirt tucked in, choker and white reebok trainers when did i create this blog: like the 17th of august idk do i have any other blogs: yes! it’s just m-e-g-s-k-i and it’s my personal one do i get asks regularly: i wish :( ask me stuff !! why did i choose my url: my grandad used to add “ski” on to the end of everything and claim that he was speaking russian pokemon team: mystic ftw favorite colors: turquoise, rose pinks, champagne golds average hours of sleep: anywhere from like 0-12 i’m wild bby i can’t b tamed jk i’m inconsistent and repeatedly make unhealthy decisions favorite characters: arya stark, mulan, wednesday addams, katniss everdeen, E.T, baymax dream job: GET PAID TO PLAY THE SIMS

i tag @pourcupine @ladykingsims @peonypyxels @cellblocksimmer @gabbsims @bethooi-s @islaurora @simfluence @mistypeaches @sugarinesssims

#ask #get to know me #hello

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cosmosogler · 7 years

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after this many instances, i can’t tell if being dressed up like an ice cream cone just makes my day horrible or if being dressed up like an ice cream cone is what makes me feel a little sillier after a horrible day.

i dunno. pastel colors are just cheerful. i like these shorts and they only go with the ice cream shirt and the pokemon shirt.

well. i tried to sleep early last night but i was kept awake by, hmm, the usual sort of memories that make your eyes snap open when you’re laying alone in the dark. snoop won’t protect me the way i know eve would. i could feel the, just... heaviness wearing into my face as i tried to settle in and get some sleep.

it keeps me up a lot of nights. weird things set it off. laying in certain positions. unpredictable trains of thought, or maybe my thoughts just get derailed every now and then. certain noises. makes it hard to get comfortable.

i don’t have to “bury the hatchet” with dad if he doesn’t acknowledge there even is a hatchet, right? because his behavior during the family vacation was unacceptable and he never said even one word about it except to be passive aggressive the last month at home.

i wonder if mom notices that i ask about my brother and sister and the dogs but not dad. honestly i don’t really care how he’s doing... i don’t have energy to devote to things i don’t care about and i don’t have the energy to pretend i do care either.

i actually don’t usually ask mother how she is doing either. i feel like that’s a bad habit to get into. i really don’t have any other resources right now though. since i’m three hours ahead of my family now i really can’t... find any good time of day to call my siblings and chat with them. not that i was talking to them that much at home anyway...

anyway i went to school. i left at 7:55, which is TECHNICALLY before 8. i had woken up while it was still dark, 6:30... it was hard to get moving.

no one was at the department when i got there except people who were actively teaching classes so i sat at my desk and tried to power through the quantum homework by myself. i did get a little help with the problem i had trouble with last night from an internet acquaintance, and i did the third and fourth problems by myself with not too much trouble.

jennica came into the office about 10 minutes before class and i asked her for help. she pointed out what i should focus on and i compared it to algebra distribution and she said “not at all.” then she proceeded to describe how to do the problem using algebra distribution and i got annoyed but i didn’t say anything at the time. quibbling about what to call the thing i was doing cost me time i needed. i tried to do the rest between mechanics and quantum and didn’t get it done. i had to turn it in anyway. i was a little over halfway through it. at least i ha all the other problems done.

after quantum i was hanging out with the other students in suzanne’s office and we were talking about how to manipulate operators because the professor had not been clear on what exactly he was doing when he showed us some stuff at the end of class. he’d skipped a step or two and we were trying to kind of reverse engineer his final equation. jennica disagreed with us about where we could put the operator, even though it was clearly shown in the book. then she started doing the exact same thing we had just done on the blackboard and continued to disagree with us while using the math we had just used. i got that angry static in my head so i went out to try to eat some lunch in my office.

i know she’s probably smarter than i am, or at least a more consistent worker, but it’s frustrating to argue with someone who agrees with you but won’t consciously agree with you. and it’s frustrating to argue with someone when you’re using facts from the textbook with the page open and they are saying “no, that’s wrong.” and then not explaining why they think that.

but she got the homework done and i didn’t. so.

anyway i was checking my emails while i was unpacking my lunchbox and i found the email from the physics adviser.

(aside- i instinctively spell it “advisor” and i can’t figure out why because every spellcheck keeps correcting me. i looked it up on google and the dictionary says either is fine but i don’t like the red line.)

so my test scores were so bad that i had to meet with him in less than two hours to discuss “schedule adjustments.” i responded the responsible way: by freaking the hell out. i paced around in my office for about 30 minutes before i gave up on trying to sit down and i went out to the counseling center for my group intake appointment. i also stopped by the pharmacy. and i tried to call mom four times. she didn’t answer. i talked to oz about it a little bit while i was walking and waiting at the center.

i know, deep down, that in my field any sign of weakness or inconsistency is basically death. getting sick will get you laid off when finances get low. being a woman will get you laid off when finances get low because if you’re a woman you have to be exceptional to be considered average. (white) men with the very same qualifications get priority.

i do not have the advantage of good health. i just don’t. this seriously hurts my ability to perform on a rigorous class schedule. this is why i think that i may not... get my phd. i am afraid that knowing i might not get it is what will cause me to not get it. i’m afraid that the lack of confidence is going to be the deciding factor here. but i can’t not know about this. it’s a very real handicap for me. when i am too stressed for too long my internal organs start permanently shutting down apparently.

ha ha, in a few years i’m not going to have any non-vital organs left. probably.

during my intake interview i started crying and said i was very unhappy today. i felt really bad for taking this interview and making it about this upcoming talk with the advisor. i had brought up that one of my goals for group would be to make the transition to graduate life... at that point i was worried about it still being “graduate” by the end of the day though.

you know, when i went to the pharmacy, i kept telling myself “i’m not going to need those later” in an effort to talk myself out of refilling my medications. i’m not going to need those later, it doesn’t matter, nothing means anything.

when i looked at the front door i sighed and said to myself, “but i will need them later, won’t i.” and that heaviness fell over my entire body again. i’m not afraid to die as much as i am afraid to survive.

mom finally called back as i was leaving to get to the advisor’s office back in the physics department. i told mom what was going on and she said “well, talk to him then!” and i dunno, i felt so brushed aside. i didn’t tell her i was afraid of losing my tuition waiver or my paycheck because of the change in course credits or whatever was going to happen.

the professor was very nice as usual. he did tell me that my prelim results were extremely worrying. i actually almost passed the thermo portion of the test, but i got essentially a 0 in literally every other subject. he wanted me to drop down into undergrad courses for two out of my three subjects. it ended up that undergrad quantum meets exactly during my classical mechanics lecture, so i got to stay in graduate quantum. he said that was very risky. i told him it wasn’t that i was deciding to take a risk so much as that looked like it was just how it was going to be. he said yeah.

he was nice about it... he told me that once the university had taken on a graduate student they couldn’t just screw them immediately and that he and the board had put a lot of effort into adjusting my schedule to make sure i had a chance to succeed. and retaking one graduate course next year won’t put me too behind schedule. but if i don’t get a b+ or higher in any of the courses i’m taking now i would be in a lot of trouble schedule-wise and gpa standard-wise.

i dunno. i feel like i didn’t actually have any control over any part of this situation. i feel like i got cheated out of the potential to do well on that test by my eight-month illness. i feel like i should have kept going anyway even though i could only eat so little that i had even lost a lot of weight.

feeling cheated is the worst. or, one of the worsts.

i feel like i don’t have any control over the direction my life is going in. i mean... i’m making choices, i’m making a lot of them every day and lots of compromises and calculations. but big picture wise i am severely limited by how sick i get and by how dumb i am. i didn’t have any choice about how my schedule was going to change. i didn’t have any choice in which grad school i got to go to.

i guess i made the choice to go to grad school at all. 2 choices is NOT very many though.

i chose to cough up a pile of money for snoopy’s well-being. mike told me that it is worth it, cats will definitely live longer if they are on the prescription diet after they get kidney disease. snoopy doesn’t have a lot of control over her life. i try to give her some say in what happens. i ask to pet her, i stop brushing if she doesn’t want to even if she’s still kinda grimy. it’s sometimes easier to figure out what cats do and don’t want than it is to figure that out with dogs.

i’m not gonna compensate for the lack of control in my life by grabbing snoopy’s though. i’m just trying to recognize that i can work within some parameters. even if i’m not happy about the way my academic life is already falling apart around me 10 days into the semester.

so i got a new e&m class and professor with the undergrads. his teaching style is a mess but i already know the material very well from this part of the course. i’m kind of surprised and shocked that he is doing this part of the course so early- why aren’t they working on point charges and forces BEFORE they do flux and green’s theorem and stuff like that?

he asked me to meet with him tomorrow after lunch. so i’ll be doing that i guess. i need to look up his course web page and syllabus...

after class i was feeling REALLY bad so i went home. i said hi to snoopy and cleaned her litter box and sat around for a while. then i made spaghetti for dinner. it was missing something, and i’m not sure what it was, but i know i didn’t have it anyway. i’m thinking i should use a different kind of marinara sauce.

then i ate a ton of oreos and listened to a taz episode. it was really good... the podcast, i mean. the oreos had gotten a little stale. i forget that it’s humid here and food ages differently.

i had meant to get to some homework from my to-do list but i spent the night diddling around on the computer doing basically nothing instead. i also had ice cream because i just really wasn’t feeling good at all emotionally and i wanted sugar.

tomorrow i need to teach two labs in a row!!! hopefully it will go better than my first one, which did not go well at all!!!!!

i’m not sure how to proceed here. i didn’t really... read anything tonight. like the lab manual, which i did want to brush up on before i tried to teach the lab again. there was all kinds of weird stuff in there that we didn’t do in the practice lab last thursday and i wanted to be more familiar with it. maybe i can do that before i leave tomorrow. i’ll try to get up a little earlier...

man, i don’t want to sleep at all. i remembered my dream last night. i kept getting talked over by neckbearded dudes. i couldn’t do anything without getting interrupted, and also i was in a part of “dirt college town” that i had never been in before and it was difficult at best to navigate. at the end i was wandering around in a swamp (which was also in a computer?) and there were the nerds trying to “find secrets” and also there was a bear. i wanted to be alone i think. well, i do now.

#tw suicide

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