#Like genuinely there are things out there that CANNOT be comprehended the way we understand the world and reality
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i don't think netflix has ever Perceived me quite as clearly as it did today when the first thing that popped up on my screen after opening netflix was a documentary about infinity
#Fucking hell I've cried three times in the last hour just watching this???#I mean I was in a major weird headspace when I hit play anyway and somehow#The crushing melancholy and listlessness that hit me out of nowhere when I got home from work#Collided directly with the simultaneous existential dread and optimistic wonder about the possibilities of the universe and infinity#And somehow I'm just. In a better place#The universe is a fucking fascinating place to be and we're not capable of understanding it because it's too vast and we're finite#Like genuinely there are things out there that CANNOT be comprehended the way we understand the world and reality#Possibilities are limitless and YET#Just the fact that in the whole vastness and complexity and possibilities of the universe#We're here with the ability to contemplate it?#We're infinities ourselves and yet we have meaning BECAUSE we're finite#The wonder of existence#The humility of our fundamental limitations#Which of themselves give meaning to the endless possibilities of the universe?#God damn#In another life i actually would have followed this wonder and become a theoretical physicist or something#Like that shit is genuinely SO fascinating and humbling and conceptualizing our existence is so connected to what makes us tick#WHY we create art and find meaning and are capable of love. Not to be too sappy on main but like. Fuck man#Hold on a sec. Man just hold on#THE UNIVERSE SHOULDNT EXIST. IT MAKES NO SENSE#AND YET IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT DOES MAKE SENSE AND OF COURSE WE ARE HERE. OF COURSE WE ARE#Misc#Existential crises with Syra hour
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Ok! I've finally decided to put together a (somewhat) comprehensive tutorial on my latest art~
Please enjoy this little step-by-step 💁♀️
First things first--references!
Now I'm not saying you have to go overboard, but I always find that this is a crucial starting point in any art piece I intend on making. Especially if you're a detail freak like me and want to make it as realistic as possible 🙃
As such, your web browser should look like this at any given point:
Since this is a historical piece, it means hours upon hours of meaningless research just to see what color the socks are, but...again. that isn't, strictly, necessary 😅
Once I've compiled all my lovely ref pics, I usually dump them into a big-ass collage ⬇️
(I will end up not using half of these, alas :'D)
Another reference search for background material, and getting to showcase our models of choice for this occasion~
When picking a reference for an actor or model, the main thing I keep in mind (besides prettiness 🤭) is lighting and orientation. Because I already kinda know what pose I'm gonna go with for this piece, I can look for specific angles that might fit the criteria. I should mention that I am a reference hound, and my current COD actor ref folder looks like this:
Also keep in mind, if you're using a ref that you need to flip, make sure you adjust accordingly. This especially applies to clothing, as certain things like pants zippers and belt buckles can be quite specific ☝️
Now that we've spent countless hours googling, it's time to start with a rough sketch:
It doesn't have to be pretty, folks, just a basic guideline of where you want the figures to be.
The next step is to define it more, and I know this looks like that 'how to draw an owl' meme, but I promise--getting from the loose sketch above to below is not that difficult.
Things to keep in mind are--don't go too in-depth with the details, because things are still subject to change at this point. In terms of making a suitable anatomically-correct sketch, I would suggest lots of studying. This doesn't even have to be things like figure drawing, I genuinely look at people around me for inspiration all the time. Familiarize yourself with the human form, and things like weight, proportions, posing will seem a little more feasible.
It's also important at this stage to consider your composition. Remember to flip the canvas frequently to make sure you're not leaning to one side too often. I'm sure something can be said for the spiral fibonacci stuff, which I don't really try to do on purpose, but I think keeping things like symmetry and balance in mind is a good start ✌️
Next step is just blocking in the figures. Standard. No fuss 👍
Now onto the background!
It's frankly hilarious how many people thought I was *hand-drawing* these maps and stuff 😂😂 I cannot even begin to comprehend how insanely difficult that would be. So yeah, we're just taking the lazy copy and paste way out 🤙
I almost always prepare my backgrounds first, and this is mostly to get a general color scheme off the bat. For collage work, it's really just a matter of trial and error, sticking this here, slapping this there, etc. I like to futz around with different overlay options until I've found a nice arrangement. Advice for this is just--go nuts 🤷♀️
Next, I add a few color adjustments. I tend to make at least 2 colors pop in an art piece, and low and behold, they usually tend to be red and blue ❤️💙There's something about warm/cool vibes, idk man..
Now we move on to coloring the figures. This is just a basic block and fill, not really defining any of the details yet.
Next, we add some cursory values. Sloppy airbrush works fine, it'll look better soon I promise 🙏
And now--rendering!
I know a lot of beginner artists are intimidated by rendering, and I can totally understand why. It's just one of those things you have to commit to 💪
I've decided to show a brief process of rendering our dear Johnny's face here:
Starting off, I usually rely on the trusty airbrush just to get some color values going. Note--I've kept my sketch layer on top, but feel free to turn it on and off as you work, so as to not be too bound to the sketch. For now, it's just a guideline.
This next stage may look like a huge jump, but it's really just adding more to the foundation. I try to think of it like putting on make-up in a way~ Adding contours, accentuating highlights. This is also where I start adding in more saturation, especially around areas such as ears, nose and lips. Still a bit fuzzy at this point, but that's why we keep adding to it 💪
A boy has appeared! See--now I've removed most of the line layer, and it holds up on its own. I'll admit that in order to achieve this realistic style, you'll need lots and lots of practice and skill, which shouldn't be discouraging! Just motivate yourself with the prospect of getting to look at pretty men for countless hours 🙆♀️
I'll probably do a more in-depth explanation about rendering at some point, but let's keep this rolling~
Moving forward is just a process of adding to the figures bit by bit. I do lean towards filling in each section from top to bottom, but you can feel free to pop around to certain parts that appeal to you more. I almost always do the faces first though, because if they end up sucking, I feel less guilty about scrapping it 😂 But no--I think he's pretty enough to proceed 😚
They're coming together now 🙆♀️ Another helpful tip--make sure you reuse color. By that, I mean--try to incorporate various colors throughout your piece, using the eyedropper tool to keep a consistent palette. I try to put in bits of red and blue where I can
Here they are fully rendered! Notice I've made a few subtle changes from the sketch, like adjusting the belt buckles because I made a mistake 😬 Hence why you shouldn't put too much stock in your initial sketch~
The next step is more of a stylistic choice, but I usually go over everything with an outline, typically in a bright color like green. Occasionally, I can just use my initial line layer, but for this, I've made a brand new, cleaner line 👍
And the final step is adjusting the color and adding some text:
Tada!! It's done!
All in all, this took me the better part of a week, but I have a lot of free time, so yeah ✌️
I hope you appreciated that little walkthrough~ I know people have been asking me how I do my art, but the truth is--I usually have no clue how to explain myself 😅 So have this half-assed tutorial~
As a bonus, here is a cute (cursed) image of Johnny without his mustache:
A baby, a literal infant child !!! who put this wee bairn on the front lines ??! 😭
Anyway! peace out ✌️
#tutorial#my art#art tutorial#since people have been asking#I remembered to save my process from this latest work~#enjoy 🙆♀️
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Post is under the cut for typical Creepy Ex Landlord content but there's nothing new on that front, just me processing stuff that had happened while the situation was ongoing.
I've been half considering telling my new roommates the real reason I moved out from the previous place because I have reason to believe they'd be understanding and we've definitely reached the level of friendship where that kind of thing can be shared but I hesitate to even call it "sexual harassment" out loud and not on tumblr because to do so I have to interrogate whether I ever actually said no clearly and firmly enough, though at the end of the day I'm fairly confident I did and its failure to get through to him was him just not wanting to listen. I laid out my discomfort to him several times and he apologised and seemed really genuinely guilty/upset and I told him I didn't want him to apologise or feel bad I just wanted him to stop and then he'd go straight back to what he'd been doing before.
I guess what I'm stuck on though is, maybe it's just autistic inability to fully comprehend that people can be lying to me but his belief that he's done nothing seriously wrong or against my consent seems fully genuine. He seemed honestly hurt and confused when I blocked him as soon as I could because he'd really believed we'd still be ""friends"" after I moved out. There was this one time when he was telling me about a news article about a woman who got sexually assaulted and he was all wide-eyed I-just-don't-understand-how-people-could-do-that innocence about it and I truly understood what emotion the phrase "look into the camera like you're on the office" expresses, because really?
I'm pretty sure most of it runs on technicalities and plausible deniability because ok, if you do things without asking that you have plenty of reason to think I wouldn't be ok with then technically I didn't say no, and you can even be proud of yourself for stopping once I do get around to saying it. And if you plead and wheedle with me until I decide it's easier to give you what you want than keep arguing then technically I said yes. But what really throws me is how much he seemed to genuinely believe he was morally in the clear, rather than just having legalistic plausible deniability.
Like, by the end of it and by the time he found out my sexuality, even he couldn't convince himself that I secretly wanted him. Even before he'd found out, he'd mostly switched tack from "so what if you have a boyfriend, he can't tell you what to do" to "what's so wrong with me that you aren't attracted to me? :( I've been so nice to you :(" but he never seemed to have any level of cognitive dissonance over, if I had never had any shred of attraction to him and repeatedly expressed discomfort with him being sexual towards me, why I would have ""consented"" to all the things that I totally definitely freely consented to and he totally definitely never forced on me and pressured me into (please note heavy sarcasm). He really thought I'd stay friends with him, "friends" of course here meaning "we cannot have a conversation that stays for longer than five minutes on a topic other than him commenting on my appearance and asking me for pictures". Like, I get missing signals other people think are clear, but if I found out someone I'd thought was freely consenting to physical intimacy with me (giving him benefit of the doubt that he actually thought that) felt that way my reaction wouldn't be "too bad you're not attracted to me but we'll still be friends where I constantly talk about how pretty you are and what you should wear. I never pressured you into anything btw! Me going oh come on whenever you said no to me was just me being cute!", it would be "oh shit, did I pressure you? I'm so sorry and will leave you alone immediately if that's what you want." And then actually leave them alone.
And this "you cannot honestly believe you're innocent can you? If you really believe that maybe I somehow wasn't clear enough?" doubting on my side is all pretty standard stuff as these kind of situations go I'm pretty sure, and I feel reasonably confident most people would still take my side given full details, but at the same time... even on tumblr I see people making fun of the idea that you should ask verbal consent for every little thing as "puritanical", and while I'm reasonably sure those people are talking about "someone who's been flirting with you leans in for a kiss so you don't ask before going for it" situations and not, this whole thing, I can only think that Creepy Landlord had somehow convinced himself it was that kind of situation.
....anyways.
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[raises microphone] thoughts on miss crescent moon?
OKAY I'm constantly struggling between picking her or chatterbox as my favorite villain. She's an incredible incredible character in my opinion, based on a wonderful concept.
Obviously expect spoilers for the entire novel, and I do mean the entirety of it
My absolute favorite part of her character is how imposing she is. I try not to overuse the word haunts the narrative, but she DOES, even when she doesn't show up her presence is constant, and terrifying, because the characters are terrified of her.
Like - the worst thing to happen would be her showing up. Not a specific action, just her presence alone would be horrible and needs to be avoided at all costs. So when she shows up, or just the moon shows up, all the alarm bells in my head are ringing as I prepare for something horrible to go down. Isn't this fantastic?
Even the calm scenes where she's not endangering anyone, those where yj is just kind of in some dreamscape and having a conversation with her. Because it will usually either disturb the fuck out of yj or just unravel some part of his already very fragile mental health.
And another favorite part comes from one of my favorite scenes, where yj is kind of faced with what she's like and gets told not to try to understand her because it'll just break his brain, and it DOES because she's incomprehensible! Her thoughts are incomprehensible!
I adore that her thing is that.. well.. she loves everyone. And everything. She has boundless affection and genuine unconditional love for absolutely everything, but it's not treated as a good thing to be loved by her - it's terrifying. She's unpredictable and would do (and HAS done) unspeakable things in the name of that love.
She's a mother figure of sorts. I already like to think that sctir has a lot of metaphors for abusive relationships, especially shown in the relationships the transcendents have, and she is someone so horribly grand and so full of love for you, yet so capable of hurting you even when nothing else in the world could hurt you
And she's perfect for the story - she's not an evil cackling mastermind rubbing her hands together, in fact she's unsettingly serene pretty much all of the time. But she has a goal - it doesn't need to be done her way, but that goal has to be achieved. There's no malice behind it either.
AND on top of that is the fact that crescent moon does what she does because she grants wishes. People pray to the moon, wish for things, and so so many people and creatures, especially in their dying moments, have wished for the end of the source (even when said in an indirect manner) so what she does is to try and grant that wish - however she can, uncaring or unaware of the cruelty she's inflicting in her method. It's like something that cannot possibly understand humans trying to do something for humans
So yes basically I am utterly in love with crescent moon, how deeply cosmically inhuman she is, even while she does something we believe to be incredibly human, which is to love, quite literally with all her being. Yoojin's love is that of a human (and even gets compared to animals), while Crescent Moon's love is that of something you will never be able to truly comprehend.
The rest of this rant is more of my personal interpretation of her, but she is a kind of nurturer in this way. Because your mother (parents in general too but this feels maternal), especially when she kind of fucking sucks, can be incomprehensible to you in some ways. She has a vision for you, a way she wants you to be, and she will take everything from you to make that happen. It doesn't matter how much it breaks you down and destroys you because she cannot even comprehend what she's doing.
And you can't understand her. You can hate her for it, but you also know that she isn't doing this out of malice and you know that she loves you. Is this love really a good thing? Is it? You're so tied up in her strings, in everything she's built you up as, that letting go might break you unless you have support (this specifically also refers to shj here. like he physically could not exist without crescent moon). If all the strings she's wrapped you up in suddenly snap, what do you do? With all of this freedom, devoid of love?
You know she won't change, trying to understand why she acts like this, trying to figure out how to change her would just break your mind, but you can't help but try anyways. And she is terrifying, there in the back of your mind, influencing your actions even when she's not present, and her ACTUAL presence could effortlessly break down so many things you've built up. And you have to live with this. That you were created by someone who may love you, but will love you in a way that hurts, a way that is so familiar but so, so cruel.
She's not kind, she just loves you.
#[drops the microphone and winces as it shatters on the ground and the audience boos]#Its 3AM excuse any weird phrasing#but yeah! shes cool#asks#sctir#sctir spoilers
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I disagree with the take that Matty was “just a rebound”. she makes it VERY clear throughout the album that since 2014 matty was the love of her life (see: loml, TTPD) and she had been pining for him for years while dating Joe (guilty as sin, fresh out the slammer). i also disagree that Matty left for selfish reasons or because he wasn’t willing to fulfill his promises. the entire album very specifically talks about the scrutiny their relationship faced at the time (see: ICFHNRIC, BDILH) with fans as a major source of that, causing some serious resentment towards us.
i believe he loved her genuinely and left because he felt guilty for tarnishing her reputation during her peak success. he loved her and saw a real future with her, but he did not want to ruin her (“how dare you think it’s romantic / leaving me safe and stranded”) even though she did not care (“I’ll tell you something right now / I’d rather burn my whole life down / than listen to one more second of all this bitching and morning”). they predicted this would happen before going public, but he still wasn’t prepared for the level of negative attention“you were sleeping soundly when they dragged you from your bed / and I tried to warn you about them”.
she can’t comprehend him leaving for this reason and never gets full closure, leading her to second guess why he left, or if he ever really loved her at all (“I keep finding his things in drawers / crucial evidence I didn’t imagine the whole thing”, “i still don’t understand how you don’t miss me”, the bridge of TSMWEL). yes she has very harsh things to say about him, but these are said from the POV of someone who’s heartbroken and left wondering. she doesn’t actually hate him, and I’d actually even go a step further to say she still wants him back (“if you wanna tear my world apart, say you’ll always wonder / cause I wonder”, “just say when, I’d play again”)
disclaimer: I love taylor and Travis. I am not a Matty Healy fan at all. but I cannot deny what she wrote about in this album. and it’s really frustrating to see fans either deny everything or continue to slander Matty on the internet. as her fan, all I truly want is her to be happy. clearly she wanted us to have this album for a reason - she felt that her story needed to be set straight.
matty was definitely not just a rebound, we know that. but she had romanticized the idea of him because he was around and she wanted someone to hold onto. and yeah maybe he felt guilt for the amount of scrutiny on her due to him, but i don’t think he left because of that. also, i hear the lyric in down bad as him making himself seem like such a good person to her. the bridge of TSMWEL is actually proof that in hindsight she sees that he played her. also, imo COSOSOM is about the past decade and her romanticizing that and i think it was written before they got together. and also all the references about her being a fool. also, she doesn’t want him back and she definitely doesn’t love him lmfao. and yes i feel confident enough to say that. anyway, i initially took this ask in bad faith, but then changed my mind. either way, i don’t agree with your take at all
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cw// suicide/ self harm mentions
Just wanted to announce for my like 8 followers that I will be taking a possibly permanent break from this site. Really I just can’t handle it and I know it’s mostly my fault but I also want people to be aware of the effects that ur discourse has on people. I saw a post about how transandrophobia truthers should kill themselves to rid the world of their disgusting presence yesterday and well, I wanted to take that advice but I chickened out and now I just have bruises. I’m sorry. I don’t want this to come off as a guilt trip, and I know some people reading this might think I’m making a big deal out of nothing, and this is nothing compared to the harassment transfems face. Maybe that’s true, and I know it’s a little ridiculous to self harm so dramatically over things people say online, but you know, i really believed them. I wanted to do the right thing, and I mean it.
I guess I just latched onto the word transandrophobia because I thought it described the way I could be assaulted for being a woman in other people’s eyes, and then be told to shut up about it, because I’m a man, after all. I thought it worked well to explain how I could be targeted by the sort of fetishization people put on Asian women, while simultaneously being seen as predatory for being masculine. And while I’m fine to stop using the word “transandrophobia”, I will never stop believing that my experiences exist at some legitimate intersection. I don’t know what it is yet exactly. I’m sorry that I don’t have a better grasp on all this. But because I can’t stop believing in the things I’ve experienced, i guess I’ll always be some sort of “truther,” to some people. And I know it’s wrong to be this— don’t think I don’t feel any shame over it! But I’ve tried to drive out those thoughts before, and they just crept back and back, whenever my back was turned. I cannot get rid of them. I’m not very connected to the big accounts posting about this stuff, so I think I also just don’t really comprehend the situation with harassment and everything that lead people to tell others to kill themselves. However, I do think that if you tell people to end their lives, you should be prepared for some of them to do it, legitimately. Maybe that was the intention all along, and this post doesn’t mean a lot, then. But I prefer to believe that people don’t actually want a lot of their fellow trans people dead.
I’m sorry, genuinely. I saw a different post last week that said we should drive transandrodorks out of every irl queer space until they realize they’re all alone, forever. Well, the people I know irl haven’t driven me out yet, and maybe it’s shitty of me, but I’m going to keep hanging around them until they stop wanting to be around me anymore. They love me so far and selfishly I hope it continues like that. Im sorry, genuinely, but I don’t want to leave. They make me feel like it’s a beautiful thing that I exist. I hope I get to live like that for a long time. They’re also telling me to get off this website so I might not see responses to this post.
You can reblog this if you want, even though it’s very personal. I hope people realize I’m being real with this. I don’t fully understand this discourse and this post will probably reflect that— I’m really not trying to play into a particular narrative. I’m very autistic and take things people say very seriously by default. I just want people to understand how it feels. Thank you for reading this all.
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I'm slowly making progress when it comes to not wanting to revert my skin inside out when someone gifts me something.
So I wanna try and reflect on that.
Recently, two lovely people bought me a game each that I thoroughly enjoyed (@bird-n-derg got me Dave the Diver, and my bf Salem got me Princess Peach Showtime).
And while it did take 1 and a half panic attack and hyperventilating to end up accepting them, I had a blast and felt a genuine sense of gratitude for letting me experience something that might've skipped on due to being broke.
But the anxiety is still there. It hates receiving things. It hates owing/feeling like it owes something. This brain hates taking place in other people's lives. It cannot comprehend wanting to help me, or even worse, waste money with nothing in return just so I can have fun.
I'm aware this sounds insanely obvious, like d'uh girl that's what friends do sometimes. But you don't understand. My brain is on a 3 vs 1 against secret final bosses:
1/ 22-years on being bullied and feeling unimportant because of family, money anxieties brought by watching my mom sob and pawn off her engagement ring just so we could afford food and barely any friends. Call that a recipe for extreme lack of self worth/caring about self. So I see money as something very important to keep yourself safe, and that I'm far from deserving it being wasted on me.
2/ I have no sense of self and have been heavily trying to let myself take place space, trying to help figure myself out. The idea of being an inconvenience/have a negative thing happen because of me turns my soul to sand, and the gross brown kind.
3/ I don't think I deserve it. I see myself as childish, slow, and lazy. I never work the way I should. I throw tantrums all the time and waste my time playing games. Everyone calls me a hard-worker but I suck and it's affecting our finances (yes I'm aware this whole paragraph is internalized ableism, one problem at a time please)
Nonetheless, once the dust settled, I obviously didn't wanna wasting their money so I played them. I felt bad at first but both games were so fun I didn't feel guilty anymore. Instead I was just thankful two very good friends have given me a bit of a nice break from everything stressful.
And being able to share my enjoyment of it with them made it even more special.
I'll get there one day. I promise.
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there's just Something about how greg's constantly asserting himself and being his own advocate for his worth here and that he is deserving of all these higher positions and money and respect…and yet when it comes to tom's affection of him he's completely doubtful
there's not a, 'yes of course he Loves me I deserve to be Loved!'
when tom asks him out, after tom kisses him, a million other times after tom's shown affection for him, greg's always filled with a, 'is this real?' reaction. something he just doesn't have for his up-and-up career status. like, for how awkward he is, he's not shy about pressing to get things.
but Love from tom? it makes him so shy to the point of lack of believing whether it's true, whether he could possibly actually be the recipient of such a thing. he doubts it all.
and even in s4 after they're best friends!!
(and I hope hope hope tom's sticker and double 'I got you,' that was like a cradle, put an end to all that doubt! because what a beautiful end to that arc!!)
hhhhhhhhnnhhf 😩 yeah god it huuuurts and like, you can understand it when you think about greg’s past and how ppl treat him - even ken is neutral at best towards him and he’s the nicest one to him apart from tom lol so it’s no surprise he starts to think he’s unloveable. ppl will just use him and his only worth is what he can give them. his grandpa and mother hold him to an impossible standard in that they’re always shifting the bar, obv more so the former bc we don’t see much w marianne, and act like he’s in the wrong every time. most people come to him when he can give them something, tom is the only exception and even then at least at the start he’s still asking things of him and enjoying the information he can provide. though the difference is tom’s affection is not dependant on it… even if greg wasn’t good at sponging info tom would still love him and keep him around. but greg cannot comprehend that bc why is this time any different? why would someone just… love him, without terms and conditions attached? i think he only starts to realise in 3.09. still not 100% in s4 but i think like, there’s definitely more of a hopefulness that maybe tom means it bc greg tries a lot harder and acts like tom’s literal partner because he wants to be more than just his side piece - he wants to be the sporus who is married to nero. he wants to take care of tom but not in a serving way, in a relationship way. but tbf to him tom is suddenly being cagey and keeping stuff from him and withholding affection and giving him only scraps of info and this rattles greg bc he thought they were progressing? that they were best friends and partners? hell tom acts like his mf husband. and then you’ve got tom and shiv screwing again and on possible reconciliation terms so that probably adds to greg’s fears - it all comes together to shake his faith. he even asks tom in america decides “where we are in terms of us”, referencing matsson and the poor way he treats him but that he likes the trust, which sounds like where his relationship with tom started out and where it has come to and also letting tom know he can trust him, don’t shut me out.
tom is much the same in that he thinks he needs status and power and money to secure greg when greg has genuine affection for him. he doesn’t notice how greg doesn’t pull rank in america decides bc he’s too focused on keeping his position, and later on he’s too set on becoming ceo to realise he’s actually pushing greg away, frightening him into making that call he did to ken in the finale. the fight in the bathroom is the culmination of their frustration in how much they love each other and how the other just doesn’t understand that they do. tom can only see it as mistrust and disloyalty when it was a move for survival and attacks greg. greg can only see tom getting mad at him as ignoring all the hard work and love he has been putting in for him the entire season and that’s why he fights back. it is not fair to him that tom only notices when he does something wrong, when he makes a mistake, not when he does things right, not when he supports and cares for him like an ideal spouse.
i do think the sticker scene was laced with something - it felt different. special. i’ve said before but tom’s forgiveness was not by way of the materialistic this time, he didn’t offer money. he only offered his compassion. he told greg that regardless of his mistakes, he still has him. and greg probably realises then that the reason tom has been acting how he has is bc he’s been fighting for this position so hard to keep greg safe. i think this moment they realise that actually they love each other very much and it’s actually like. for real. greg’s sheer happiness, plus the way he checks tom out again like he has multiple times throughout s4 lol, indicates not only his relief but feeling comfortable and confident enough to act around tom like he has before - like his best friend and partner.
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How to Domesticate Your Pilot
tw: emotional abuse, abusive relationship, slavery, drug use, nonconsensual
Chapter 3: Do not abuse your wolves
Part 1: Action patterning: Initial Phases
On patterning, and its consequences.
Music: Five Sharps - Meditation for a Lost Pup
A lot of outsiders assume this one is going to be perverted in some way, like pet-play and stuff like that and really its more like being a parent until they mentally mature and come out of the adjustment period.
In the beginning, a pilot's mind is regressed to a more platonic, more child-like state where their neuroplasticity is incredible compared to how it is normally, their capacity for learning is incredible: Its not unlike lysergic acid derived innocence, or things like that.
Violence will genuinely traumatize them while they're in this state, so you must protect them. Even violent media will make them uncomfortable, you know?
Be gentle. And be patient. Please.
This is a fleeting time, and although it'll seem like it lasts forever, its over so quickly.
You'll miss it, wondering where it all went. I still miss those days sometimes.
You have to be a carer of sorts, as they re-learn to walk, and how to move and even speak. The result is someone who loves with the poise of a ballet trainer, the conserved motion of a boxer. Nearly inhuman levels of precision and grace.
But until then, they're dependant on you. Its very short, but this is the period where they bond with you -- like a child might a mother, or as a dog might an owner -- and that bond is what makes this whole thing work.
It is complete and utter selfless devotion on a level no human of sound mind is capable of comprehending: It simply isn't biologically possible for us to imagine what they're feeling, what they're going through. We just can't.
The closest I've heard is its like falling in love for the first time, when love is new and beautiful and strange and pure, and you don't understand it or try to navigate it or circumvent or control it because you don't even realize it consciously.
Only, its like that every day.
For them, it never goes away.
For the rest of their lives.
-- RN, handler of Juno
Account: Sensory Sensitivity
Soundscape: The Hearts of Wolves
I cannot see,
yet my ears are so young,
Like when the world was new
This strange clarity: I hear all;
Thunder bakes the sky distantly
A leaking window,
through which cold wind whistles
along, along
Candles, whispering
Slow tinkling bells
along, along
And the ship's engine room,
four decks below
along, along
All separate
All together:
I hear all.
-- Juno, pilot of RN, transcribed record taken during the adjustment period of action patterning
Addendum 2:
Q: "Is it ethical?"
Many self-elect, thinking it would fix them, that they want to be fixed… But they really don't understand what they're getting into.
The worst is that after its done, even if they wouldn't have wanted it before, they would have no idea of that possibility now.
It would be completely alien to them.
We have absolutely no way of ever knowing if any of these are truly consensual, or have ever been consensual.
-- LR
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"Thank you."
The words spilled out and Yoo Joonghyuk replied indifferently. "Don't say anything that isn't in your heart. I know you dislike me."
"Of course, I dislike you. I hate you. You are the person who took my role."
"I don't know what that means."
In Lee Sookyung's head, time flowed slowly. She heard that it should move quickly… then why? Was it because it was hard and difficult?
"…I've known you from a long time ago. That kid often talked about you. He came to visit his mother in prison and only talked about this."
–This time, he challenged the 12 gods of Olympus.
The young face of Kim Dokja as he talked happily. Many thoughts had floated on this child's face.
Yoo Joonghyuk spoke like he felt Lee Sookyung's heart rate slowing down. "Lee Sookyung. Don't let go of your mind."
Lee Sookyung barely maintained her blurring consciousness. She continued to be drowsy on Yoo Joonghyuk's back. "In any case, at least once… I wanted to thank you."
"You are saying things that I can't understand."
Okay, so I've been thinking this for a while now but is Joonghyuk perhaps literally unable to comprehend that he's a character in a novel?
Like, at first I just thought it was a secret (obviously it was) and he didn't know and then I thought that maybe, for some reason, he just didn't care because he's so goal-motivated and has crushed down all his own emotions beyond what's needed to save the world, but now I'm really starting to wonder if he literally cannot process it. Like maybe he has his own version of Fourth Wall but it stops him from realizing that he's a character in a novel no matter what people say.
Like, Han Sooyoung literally calls him "protagonist" to his face but it's Han Sooyoung so it's quite possible he brushed it off as that's just how she sees the world as a writer.
But we also have the fact that people were starting to recognize that the world was following TWSA way back before Dokja got lost for three years, heck people were recognizing it both inside and outside the Seoul dome way back when he pretended to be Joonghyuk for the first time. Since then, rumors have been spread all across the internet and there's apparently still functioning news agencies because Dokja's party members are treated like celebrities.
So you'd think by now that it has to be common knowledge right? If nothing else, Sooyoung can't have been the only person to ever say something weird or act weird around the Yoo Joonghyuk. It wouldn't shock me at all if people haven't tried to interview him like they did with Heewon and Jihye.
So does he genuinely have no feelings in regards to finding out he's a fake person? Do none of the other characters not care either? We've had plenty of POV scenes from other characters but thinking about it, the one time that we see the novel openly discussed is between Dokja and his mom, Dokja and Sooyoung, Sooyoung and Sangah...all non-characters...
And now we have Dokja's mom trying to have this serious conversation with Joonghyuk and he's saying he doesn't understand and while you can take that to mean that he doesn't understand how he helped Dokja since he's only recently met him, I'm starting to wonder if it's not more literal - that he literally can't process what she's talking about.
Like, Dokja literally just got done showing the giants the literal scenes of TWSA and Joonghyuk had no reaction whatsoever. Like, maybe in that particular instance he wasn't able to see those scenes, only Dokja and the giants could, but still...
"Where are your parents?"
"I was told they died in an accident."
"You don't sound sad."
"I can't grieve what I can't remember."
Lee Sookyung knew. He didn't remember because it wasn't in the original novel. Everything about Yoo Joonghyuk was just a character setting. From the beginning, Yoo Joonghyuk's parents didn't exist.
Lee Sookyung hesitated for a moment. "Yes, humans are like this. Do you think I remember all my childhood?"
"…Is it memory loss?"
"Everyone gets memory loss. Little by little, we will forget our memories and one day, we will forget everything."
And then on the other side we have this. It almost feels like Sookyung is trying to reassure him that it's normal not to remember things that happened when they were children and she specifically goes out of her way to say humans are like this. Like she's trying to tell him that he's still a human and reassure him that this is normal and not from him literally being a made up person.
So maybe he does know and has just been quietly processing it? Or maybe he does have a Fourth Wall, maybe all the characters do, but instead of blocking them from understanding, their versions keep their reactions to the real world muted whereas Dokja's keeps his reactions to TWSA muted? So they're aware but just can't bring themselves to care???
Like, I could see maybe one or two people just genuinely not caring, and maybe one of those people is Joonghyuk just because of how emotionally exhausted he has to be by now (both him AND 1863rd) but you're telling me that Lee Jihye doesn't have some opinions on all of that? Lee Hyunsung hasn't at least asked Dokja what he was like in the novel? Shin Yoosung hasn't asked about what she did in a future without Dokja taking her under his wing?
And then finally we have this:
Yoo Joonghyuk spoke, "Sometimes I remember things. I remember someone watching me."
It was the first time Lee Sookyung heard this story and she wondered, "…Who was watching you?"
"I don't know either. There was a gaze watching me for a long time. There were times when I often felt the gaze."
After Yoo Joonghyuk's words were over, Lee Sookyung didn't talk for a long time. There was a long silence before Lee Sookyung laid her hands on Yoo Joonghyuk's head and spoke in a gentle voice.
"Maybe it was your parents."
Lee Sookyung stared up at the sky. Numerous constellations were watching them.
I feel like Sookyung is once again trying to make him feel better by saying it was his parents but at the same time Joonghyuk isn't really connecting the whole "Dokja came to talk to me about you every day when he was younger" to "Dokja knows my entire life story including my future" to "someone has been watching me for years." Or, if he is connecting the two, he's unwilling to verbalize it and just seems like he's side-stepping the whole issue?? So either he can't process that he's a character or can but can't really feel it?
Well, if nothing else, I do love it when we get mentions of Joonghyuk feeling like someone was with him during his hardships just the same as Dokja felt that Joonghyuk was there with him during his.
#hopefully I'm not majorly forgetting anything that totally refutes this like I have in the past lol#I'm sorry but a person with a naturally bad memory is trying to read a 5000 page novel while exhausted after work so it happens 😅#also I love that it's once again being brought up that yjh is the one who protected and was there for dokja when he needed someone#also I did notice that Dokja JUST got done saying he wants a story without any deaths and was told that probability wouldn't allow it#and now his mother is dying with sparks of probability all around her...#yjh#Lee Sookyung#kdj crew#orv#orv novel chapter 326-327#orv spoilers#orv liveblog#omniscient reader's viewpoint#long post
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Petunyawn's Character: A Failtopia Analysis
Ah, the Season 2 post-game. An absolute mess filled with the worst character writing Failtopia has ever had in SpamTang and Simple Bald, a completely barren plot that doesn't tie into any of the characters, including the new ones, and completely ignores almost every character on a regular basis. Including the new ones.
The newest stream was pretty good, Chat's redesign nonwithstanding, but overall, these post-game streams have probably been the lowest quality string of Failtopia content. Which makes it even more insane that a great character like Petunyawn came out of it!
She's the daughter of Pirahnyawn, the asshole flower from Season 1, and the explanation for her being 7 years old, but only alive for one year, is that plants age way faster than humans. Doesn't make a lot of sense if you apply it to Pirahnyawn himself, and it'll most likely be retconned if Petun gets integrated into canon, but it's a genuinely creative explanation to get the impossible character here without breaking the timeline! (Looking at you, SpamTang)
Petun literally aging too fast for her dad to keep up with, combined with the fact that Pirahnyawn would be a terrible teacher, sets up for a character who knows shockingly little about how the world works, while still being old enough to have a fairly developed personality. Naturally, this is exactly what we get from her.
She's characterised by constantly questioning literally everything and everyone that surrounds her. This is because she's spent her whole life being entirely uninvolved from a lot of the world, due to being a literal plant, and a young child. She's a lot like Slapo, in that she's a random seven-year-old who felt disconnected from the larger world, and absentmindedly decided to explore it after the assumed death of her parent, seeking out her answers directly from the source. Petunyawn likes to get to the point, she doesn't want to waste time with prior explanations for the answers she gets. She only wants explanations after she hears the information, because that's her learning method, but most people she meets will do it the other way around, and she cannot comprehend that. So, she gets pushy.
Petun obviously doesn't have the vocabulary to explain why she doesn't understand most of the things she gets told, and ends up completely contradicting them in her best attempt to follow along, to the annoyance of everybody. If she receives complaints because of this, that annoyance includes her, because she's never been effectively taught that her mistakes could cause real harm. Her dad, Pirahnyawn, has never really cared about being harmed himself, he only cares if people around him are being harmed, so Petun has a basic understanding of how to keep herself out of danger, and although she's made her best efforts, she doesn't know how to apply the same to other people. In fact, she just doesn't know other people.
This girl has had zero social interaction for her entire life, and her father is infamous for having no healthy relations with anyone in the FailFleet Miis. She gets off on the wrong foot with almost everyone who isn't unusually accustomed to weird girls like her, Orion being the only clear example of such a person, except maybe Bo. She struggles to focus on the people, because she's so curious about everything else in the room, and wants to understand her current situation to an unreasonable degree before she even tries to connect with the other person. This makes sense to her. She can't connect with someone if she doesn't understand the context that surrounds their connection, and once she finally starts to get an idea, that's when she can actually make some friends! For example, Shrimp doesn't really like her at first, she's a popular streamer who's all too used to invasive questions, but once Petun finally stops with those, they can quite easily bond over their shared weirdness, as shown in the latest stream.
Friend is another interesting character relationship Petunyawn has. Neither of them are particularly fond of the other, but there's no outright hostility, because neither of them would resort to that. Petun doesn't see the need, and recognises that Friend is a powerful adult, and Friend recognises that Petunyawn is a relatively innocent child. Her intense analysis of everything around her has very promising strategic potential, but when she starts tearing into their strategy (something they truly enjoy, and has gotten them through some incredibly dark times), their unhinged, fragile side starts to show. A little voice in the back of Friend's head is one of their worst nightmares - but that's not what this is. Petunyawn is not malicious, she holds no ill will towards Friend, she's a talented healer trying to look out for the party, but she still doesn't have very good vision, and she's usually knocked unconscious before she can do all that much. Which completely tracks, and even mirrors Shrimp, because she is a literal child. Friend truly does not know how to help her, but that's not really their job, and it's not her fault.
Petunyawn tends to mirror a lot of the more energetic personalities in Failtopia. Slapo, Shrimp, even Failboat if you consider her "trying her best but failing miserably" gimmick. She's airheaded, though, and she isn't energetic at all. She just happens to be a perfect foil for the characters who are, because they can all bounce off of her reasonability, and relate to her in her weirdness. If anyone's equipped to explain the world in a language Petun understands, it's someone who is fully immersed in the weirdness that makes up a huge element of who she is, and the lens she views the world through.
This girl was raised in an environment so unorthodox and impractical that there was not a chance in hell that she would emerge as a normal person, in any sense of the word. And that's amazing. She tries so hard to experience the larger world, with no real idea of how to go about that aside from attacking it at the source, but the Oopsie family recognises her inability to understand things if not explained with precision, and helps her to settle into a life she doesn't have to constantly question. A life that finally makes sense to her.
Just like the Erica analysis, a lot of this is probably unintentional, but also just like the Erica analysis, I don't think it matters, when what we're provided is solid enough for me to write all of this.
#failtopia#failboat miitopia#failtopia petunyawn#Petunyawn#very long rambling#writing an essay i will never be graded on#again#this time it's the character who carried S2 postgame!#why is she so well written#this doesn't make sense#fuck Pirahnyawn#he's mentioned a couple times#but no tag#he doesn't deserve one
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you could genuinely be rehabilitated from your bigotry and that is so fucking sad. the other terves do not care that women in other countries campaigned against lgbt protection laws. they did that in the USA as well. and the uk… this is a goal. you are in a cult
Oh please
I'm not a terf, I'm not even a radfem, I've spend a lot of time criticizing radfems and adjacents and I don't need any kind of 'rehabilitation' much less by you.
I'm not some confused little child, I'm a grown woman and I know what my beliefs are.
Yes, of course I support LGBT rights legislation, I'm LGBT, and of course I oppose conservatives, I hate them. And, of course, I'm against transphobia, I have trans people who are important to me and I know trans people are very discriminated against. And the more I learnt, the more I realized that there's things that are too complex for me to say that something is always in a specific way. That's a very ignorant point of view, and I'm a researcher, we must be comfortable with ambiguity.
That means that I don't personally have anything against people undergoing physical transition, I'm only worried about doctors not informing people well enough about side effects and selling them unrealistic ideas about the results.
It also means that I can't make absolute statements about what the life of all trans people is like and the specific ways in which the social construct of gender affects their experiences, ie whether their experiences are more man-like or woman-like. Everything is always more complex than that, including gender. I'm not talking only about personal identification here, I'm talking about experiences that come from the mix of identification, presentation, physical factors, being out or not, how other people treat them etc. These all make up gender and what gender one is treated as and effectively lives as, it's not purely a matter of choice.
However, complexity inherently means that not everything is good and perfect, because perfect means simple. So, of course, there's aspects of modern LGBT activism and mainstream feminism that I disagree with, I think modern leftist progressive movements have a lot of unchecked misogyny within them, a huge critical gap when it comes to analyzing women's lives and I think there's a huge difference between saying sex is complex and refusing to acknowledge its existence and what that means altogether, which is just not wise. I also believe everyone in general is a lot more gender essentialist than we think, in the sense that they believe that there's something natural and wired in our brains about gender roles, which is simply not true.
This of course spills over to the LGBT community, where you have some people who wholeheartedly believe that wearing a skirt or trousers says something about the state of your soul (I don't believe in souls) and who genuinely cannot comprehend the idea of a butch woman existing. Or, they do, in theory, because they understand that and also drag queens well enough but then many young masc women do report people asking for their pronouns all the time after they've stated them, as if 'she/her' wasn't a good enough answer when 'you dress like that'. This is not everyone, by all means, but there is a trend of gender roles becoming more and more entrenched, both in wider society and in LGBT communities and yes, of course I criticize that, it's misogyny. Saying that gender roles are bullshit is not saying anything wrong about trans people. At be the same time, I've been the victim of very strong homophobia by other LGBT people and of course, I will criticize that, that's fucked up.
That's the extent of our disagreement. I'm against misogyny in all its forms even when it comes from my own community and the same goes for homophobia.
Yes, I do reblog from radfems sometimes, because few other people talk about the same problems I do have, precisely because when they start to do it people like you treat them like monsters (even if they're trans) and start telling them that they're in a cult 😑. Groupthink tendencies, overall toxicity and anti-intellectualism are rampant both within your circles and within radfem circles. Me having a critical mind and being able to agree and disagree with different people on different points is precisely the opposite of the problem.
So no, I do not need to be 'rehabilitated' you condescending ass, in any case you do if you can't take a random woman being just so slightly critical of the very same LGBT and leftist communities she belongs to.
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hello green heart anon !!!! uhhh popping in here to say. i love you. this is going to be a huge affectionate letter basically because I'm feeling really sappy. enjoy
honestly. cannot remeber how it went when you first showed up in my inbox. i could go look right now but i feel like being completely clear i do not remember. truly feels like we've been here forever and instead of feeling old or worn out i always feel better when i see you again.
i know we don't talk very much, and that's neither a bad thing nor something either of us should be blamed for. i don't really care if we don't talk much either, because it's enough for me to just know you exist. isn't that so damn cool? you sent an anon one day and marked yourself out in the long, long calendar that if my life. i think if i'm going to remember anything from my life as a whole, it would be my friends. and i consider you a very good one.
this might not last forever!! it really might not. i know sometimes i do in fact forget about the fact that i can send asks here, and i like to think that you sometimes forget you can send asks to me. we both could use a break sometimes for sure. but what I'm saying is that someday who knows? we might not send asks anymore. one of our blogs might get deleted (with the shenanigans going on with tumblr right now ... shrugs). that's okay, too.
i guess what i'm badly attempted to say here is that i genuinely cherish the times i get to see you and (technically) talk to you. i'm a sucker for thinking about cosmic forces, so i always talk about how lucky and wonderful it is that we were born into this world at this time so that we got the opportunity to meet each other. i love you and i love knowing you.
i think this blog, or the fact that you are The Green Heart Anon /lighthearted, speaks to how much you care. about other people. about the world in general. i think that's amazing. i think you're amazing. for sure you've had a tough times and hell if it isn't amazing how you exist. i like existing with you.
seven paragraphs in and i forget what I'm trying to do here lmao . let's just say this is a thank you note then. a thank-you page <- woah this guy writes way too much. so thank you. for being here. i hope you get so many wonderful things - you deserve them all. you deserve it all. :] 💚💚
^ no response is needed! i understand this is long and may be difficult to comprehend all at once! don't worry about it
Breaking character here, this made me tear up. I love you too, Pig. Very much. I'm glad I sent that ask to you that day (not even I remember how long ago it was, and I pride myself on good memory.)
You're one of the nicest people I've ever met and I am very lucky to get to know you, as limited as it is. You are lovely.
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Okay. I do not normally, do this, as everyone has their own takes and that is usually fine, I go out of my way to avoid the sort of takes that make me actively angry, but- I’m not even angry about this one, I just think it’s hilarious.
Like, someone in the tag (to avoid shaming this person I will not name them here) just described Izzy as ‘good at reading emotions, big picture stuff, deferred gratification, etc’.
Like...honey. Sweetheart. My sibling in Hades. Where the fuck are you getting that one from?
Like, Izzy’s utter lack of emotional awareness or ability to read people is one of his defining character traits. Like...this is the guy who cannot comprehend Ed’s mental state when Ed is standing right in front of him going ‘I am so bored that even death sounds like a welcome reprieve from the grind my life has become’. Who takes fully two weeks to realise that maybe, just maybe, Ed doesn’t want to kill the guy he’s been making heart-eyes at since they got on the ship. Who doesn’t notice the brewing mutiny right under his nose until he is literally tied to the anchor and about to be thrown overboard.
Izzy is terrible at reading or understanding emotions and that is...kind of his thing.
For that matter, ‘big-picture stuff’?
Izzy is...not great at that, either. If he were, he’d...probably have caught on that there’s a reason why Blackbeard is asking him about clouds. While they are on a sailing ship. Being able to read the weather and tides is...kind of an important skill for a tall-ship sailor, and Ed is clearly frustrated that Izzy isn’t getting it. That line about how ‘it’s like pulling teeth with you sometimes’ is a pretty clear indication that this is a conversation they’ve had before. Someone who was good at big-picture thinking might step back and go ‘okay, why are you telling me this’. Someone who was good at sailing (there is no way Buttons would’ve missed it) would’ve gone ‘oh. Fog’s coming in, then.’
But even putting that instance of it aside...Izzy is sort of locked in his own head. Most of us are to some extent, but Izzy is really bad at seeing things outside his own worldview. Like, from a big-picture perspective, putting the guy whose one real job aboard ship is being literate on various jobs of gruelling make-work (literally none of the tasks Izzy assigns to Lucius are a) urgent or b) even really within the realm of normal shipboard maintenance, as many other metas have pointed out) all of which are hard on the hands is putting his own petty satisfaction above the smooth running of the ship. Likewise, you can see it in his decision to starve the crew for making smart remarks at him when...he doesn’t actually have that big a crew and having people too weak to work is also going to undermine the running of the ship. Hell, calling in the British Navy on fellow pirates is itself quite a short-sighted decision, not least because there is absolutely nothing stopping the Navy from going ‘right, thanks for your service, you will be rewarded...as a traitor deserves, hang the lot of them from the yardarm’. Yes, okay, that is not what happened, because this is a romcom, but there was literally nothing stopping it, and colonial powers are not known for playing nicely with...basically anyone in a weaker position than them.
Again and again, Izzy puts his own pettiness ahead of and above the larger picture of ‘we are all on a ship at sea and need to be able to work together in order to keep that ship running’. Hell, it’s even arguably part of what loses him both his confrontations with Stede, as he gets distracted by minor annoyances (and, admittedly, his own absolute contempt for anyone who doesn’t fit his model of martial masculinity) and thus fails to see the trap until it snaps shut on him.
And finally, ‘deferred gratification’. We have less evidence of this being nonsense than the other two, but I would point out that...okay, if Izzy believes that the plan is genuinely ‘Blackbeard learns everything he can from Bonnet to enable him to kill Bonnet, take over Bonnet’s life and sail away into the sunset, leaving me the captaincy’...a fortnight is an insane timetable for that. Even putting aside the fact that I don’t think Izzy was at all keen on the ‘Blackbeard retires to a life of luxury ashore and I take over as captain’ part of the plan...the point I am making here is, Izzy doesn’t care either way. What he wants is Stede Bonnet dead, and he wants it now.
So...yeah. I honestly think this is the funniest Bad Take in the fandom so far, just because it flies so much in the face of everything we get to see about Izzy. And...honestly, I’m not sure who even makes this argument? Like- Izzy is a petty, small-minded martinet with the emotional intelligence of a bent and rusty fork and absolutely no ability to consider any perspective but his own. That’s what makes him funny.
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hello.
i will spare you the boredom of reading a text full of inconclusive nihilism, don't worry. however, i genuinely don't know anything about anything and i am willing to embrace that. i shall quickly swerve vortices of toxic thoughts that come along the way, as i always have.
i'm just a girl, more or less than that, born into a random place ruled by a system with certain values. values which i should strive to be perfect in their understanding, to be spared the ultimate quest for meaning, to be given that meaning by them.
when i was even younger, i would wave my hand at trees thinking that they would appreciate it. this doesn't lead to anything, i just wanted to share that.
i also wanted to share to you why i think i am unwise, and unspecial, with no intent of sarcasm.
i strive to be perfect. i study for hours to get perfect scores (something i don't find honorable because it isn't something i want), i recognize the power of money, i like pretty things, i like owning pretty things, i like being appreciated and obsessively work towards it etc. however, i do think obsession gives me a fabricated sense of purpose and i refuse to judge it as good or bad. ever since i was born, i have been fabricating my reality. and what i fabricated is truly real. i am powerless and omnipotent at the same time. pre-determined and free. i am out of the bounds of duality. goddess and killable carbon-based organism.
don't you think, darling, that you are the same? i see you as the very same essence. we are all ugly, disgusting, marvelous, beautiful; driftwood and God, consciousness incarnate. we don't own anything, we are nothing. nothing has value and we haven't created value. language, however unintuitive it might seem, is mathematical. therefore, we are living it its boundaries (the most famous analogy is in 1984 by kafka or wittgenstein, i believe).
but, the thing is, we are aware. others are too. we see and experience everything. we learn, we understand, we experience music. we are the driftwood and the environment, the creator and created. where my mind cannot comprehend feels like where the truth lies. therefore, i am illiterate and i choose to live accordingly, to both this fact and all the ideas i've shared.
i hope this queendom of my fabrication makes you find solace in your troubles, too. have a nice day or night. <3
#dark academia#fashion#books & libraries#art#music#nature#dark aesthetic#dethereal#ethereal#aesthetic#nihilism#meaning of life#philosophy#existential dread#existentialism#psychology#thoughts#pretty things#christian dior#dior dress#haute couture
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The allure of black holes, cosmic horror and other big things
My fascination with black holes is in my knowledge that reality to me genuinely is just my perception. As limited, stupid, and selfish as it sounds, it’s true for each of us. For all you can prove, this text only exists because you’re reading it. A black hole is beyond my perception, even beyond my power to perceive. Granted, I’m nowhere near well versed in physics, but to me there is no way to truly grasp its functioning. It exists whether my feeble mind can understand it or not. Not many things take me out of my first-person experience or even have the ability to rattle it. I can understand the idea of people existing without ever brushing past me. I know there are birds and snakes and whales that perceive the world in a way I cannot understand. I can still see that world for myself. I know from my experiences that other people in the world are eating, drinking and sleeping; the snake is perceiving the same grass I am. The black hole is different; it seems entirely unknowable. The greatest minds of our time have only succeeded in chipping away at a corner and finding a dozen more questions inside. I cannot and will never be able to truly comprehend its scale, it’s function, it’s purpose. It’s an odd kind of terrifying knowing there is something out there that makes me so diminutive, so insignificant that I can’t even wrap my little brain around it.
It’s this same characteristic that makes cosmic horror so attractive to me. It’s the idea of coming face to face with it- something so unknowable it breaks you. Something we cannot comprehend. We are limited to our 3 dimensions no matter how untethered to them we may delude ourselves into feeling. The idea that some other creature or phenomenon truly is dimensions beyond my understanding is one that rattles me in a way I feel like I prevent myself from truly feeling, lest I lose control of my own 3 dimensions. If I were to see the unknowable, it would flay my mind and suspend it across dimensions, so paralyzed it would never awaken again.
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