Some recent thoughts about nonhumanity and my relationship to the community + my personal relationship with it that I cleaned up, my writing style is a bit disjointed, I would like to share more of my writing, if anyone would be interested in seeing that :)

My own interpretation of Qrow's character in V8

also, before we get really into this, of course, there will be spoilers. don’t say i didn’t warn you. also, probably don’t take this too seriously? i wrote this at like 3 in the morning last night and wanted to rework it into something more proper. i tried to make it flow more properly and fuck this may not even make any sense, so bare with me. this is mostly a headcanon i have to get myself through the travesty that is volume 8 and it did make it more enjoyable for me, so i guess that is a plus.

alright, i think i have bored you enough with the unnecessary parts, here we go boys. also, one final thing, this isn’t supposed to undermine shit like part 8 or f//r g//me, or anything of the sort, this was just made as a fun little headcanon that got serious real quick. okay, actually starting now.

I think most RWBY fans have noticed a sudden shift in behavior in Qrow. I don’t really know what the consensus is for this since I hardly, if ever, interact with this fandom, however, for me, until yesterday, it had bothered me heavily. I am a fairly harsh critic when it comes to the writing on the show, purely due to the fact I want to become a writer myself, so I tend to be overly analytical, which can lead to me finding flaws more easily. Nevertheless, even with my mostly neutral feelings regarding Volume 8 right now for various reasons, I persisted. It wasn’t until last night when I really started thinking about this, putting my more critical self aside, and started to look at the bigger picture. Then, an idea had popped into my mind.

Based on someone who has severe trust issues and immense paranoia, I had finally understood, well, at least, theoretically. What if the reason that Qrow is so hostile and, honestly, unreasonable this volume is because he suspected something like this. He suspected Ironwood to do something akin to this. Obviously, not to this severe of a degree, but he felt that like, sooner or later, that this would happen.

What do I mean by this? Well, me and a good friend of mine (@graegrape hi) had gone traversing the RWBY Wikia and found something that honestly kick started the entire thing. 

“ General Ironwood shows concern over Qrow's warning in his conversation with Ozpin in "Welcome to Beacon", which prompted him to bring his fleet to Vale in hopes of preventing conflict in the Vytal Festival. However, this action only served to infuriate Qrow. ’’

Naturally, this had caught my eye. So, we went digging for some screencaps.

When Qrow informed Ironwood and Co. about finding some of Salem's forces, Ironwood had deployed, essentially, his entire fleet, and Qrow was absolutely angered by this; how the hell could he have messed it up so badly?

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However, at least in this point in time during Volume 3, Qrow doesn’t completely distrust Ironwood.

“ Qrow has commented that he wonders if Ironwood has a heart. Nonetheless, Qrow saves Ironwood from a Griffon in "Heroes and Monsters", knowing the general is innocent of the carnage caused by his automated forces. He shows his respect and loyalty by asking Ironwood for suggestions regarding their plan of action to deal with the invading Grimm, showing that while he may not respect his methods, Qrow does not completely hate him or view him as a threat. ‘’

What was the point of this part of the post, OP? Well, I am happy you asked. I wanted to show just exactly what their dynamic was back in those volumes, almost as a refresher. There is some amount of trust and respect, and there is some amount of comradery there, however, something underlying is starting to brew, specifically Qrow’s reaction to Ironwood’s course of action. My own interpretation of this part? This gave Qrow a proper look at how extreme Ironwood could get, letting it settle in his own mind for a while, making the seed of doubt of Ironwood’s self-destructive behavior plant itself.

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The next part of this post will be way more hypothetical. While I will try to provide evidence, this is creeping into more headcanon-ish territory. You have been warned lol.

Well, that’s all of the Volume 2 - 3 stuff out of the way, time to move onto the elephant in the room. Alright, so Volume 7, a favorite for many and I am no exception.

However, even when I have rewatched the Volume at least 3 times at this point, there was a certain scene that had always stuck out to me, and that is relevant to the post at hand, so might as well get it out of the way. I’m sure we all know what I’m talking about here.

The hug.

So, when the hug happened, for Qrow, at least in my own interpretation, it felt like his entire world got shattered.

Ironwood had actually missed him; actually taking the time to tell him that he cared. You could see Qrow wasn’t as tense anymore, actually letting his guard down in front of someone that wasn’t his family. In my opinion, specifally with this frame,

Qrow had started to reflect. To reflect on not only their own relationship, but on himself as well. He, possibly, had his own seed of doubt regarding Ironwood slowly starting to disappear. Something akin to, “Maybe he does have a heart.” or whatever. 

And then, Ironwood, of all people, had betrayed him. It had happened again.

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Suddenly, he was given a reason, at least in his mind, to justify his distrust of others, but of Ironwood especially. He was right in his mind. “Sooner or later, someone close to me would do this. And to imagine it being to such a severe situation too. He did it again.” Qrow was probably devastated. I’m not denying that he wasn’t sad about Clover, he clearly was and I am not going to deny that fact. However, that being his only reason does not sit well with me. His colleague, one of the remaining people in Ozpin’s group, had done this, after he had promised to ensure his safety, planting a false hope within him. Now, he was thrown away like a rag by one of the only remaining members of Ozpin's circle he could get into proper contact with.

Qrow’s sadness turning into anger is literally perfectly in character to him, so it would make complete sense, trying to deflect everything, because he, himself, wants to be right in his own mind; it was a long time coming, it only happened now.

He’s deflecting a lot of the things, pushing it in the back of his mind. He's scared. He has to be alone again. Just when he thought he was finally safe to trust people again, to seek comfort in someone like Clover, the first person he was willing to spill his heart out to, as well; he lost him. So, he uses everything he can to stop his mind from thinking about it. Anger, sadness, blissful ignorance; whatever he can do to ignore it, because he gave up drinking, so he can't use that for coping anymore.

The reason why he’s reacting so extremely is, in my opinion,is not just due to “Oh, well, I saw this coming.”, but also that he is going through withdrawl. He has to do cope using other methods, since he can’t use his former one anymore. He has to feel the full brunt of his own emotions, he can’t numb them down anymore, and to himself, he can’t justify his own feelings. In his mind, the best course of action is to redirect those extremes onto someone else.

It is quite possibly that Qrow had noticed Ironwood’s sudden shift in behavior, making him reflect on himself, too. He sees that Ironwood is walking down the same path that he himself was going down many years ago, but he can’t do anything. He thinks that Ironwood wouldn’t listen to him, considering what happened back in the Vytal festival. Ironwood did not back down in the slightest back then, so why would he now? That type of mentality. He doesn’t bother with it.

(This next part was written by my good friend and honestly? Great food for thought.) 

Qrow’s former emotions mirror those of Ironwood’s current ones. Qrow, back in the earlier volumes, had used alcohol to help ease his mind and block out things he didn’t want to think about. And now, current Ironwood, is only focusing on what’s directly in front of him and blocking out the entirety of Mantle.

In essense, Ironwood had become exactly what he hated about Qrow.

(I rewrote it a bit, but the main idea was all them. Thank you so much for this.)

He is deliberately using everything he can to not think about Ironwood, due to the fact that he can easily become irrational when he does, and he does need Robyn as an ally, so he buries it all down, possibly being self-aware about his own behavoir, but not know how to deal with it.

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Well, that sure was long. There could be things I forgot to mention, and I’m not even sure if this is well structured or not, since I’m not used to writing essays, at least, not to this caliber, but I hoped it, at least, made you possibly think about Qrow in a more intiment sense. Qrow’s and Ironwood’s relationship had always been the most facsinating one in the entire show, so seeing it being thrown to the side did sting a bit. But, I hope that there was a good reason for it. I am still looking forward to what V8 has in store, especially with the heavily implied fight, I just hope it’s something more than just Qrow getting revenge for Clover. C’mon, CRWBY! I know you can do better.

If you made it this far, thank you. And please understand I made this out of pure love for the show. I have been a fan for a while now and I only want what’s best for the show. I promise this isn’t just me being a salty Ironqrow shipper lmao Anyway, let’s hope this volume turns out great.

Piofiore: Fated Memories Part 3 - Yang Route

Time for Yang!! I'm so excited tbh because I love his voice and he seems like the most interesting character haha. Anyway, I didn't expect Yang to so suddenly kiss her when she's trying to run away from his subordinates after getting captured by them. Love how her slapping his face was like nothing to him lol. I also really like how Yang is basically forcing her with his "aura" to make her understand that she needs to ask intelligent questions in regards to her own situation right now if she wants Yang to not kill her, keeps the tension high and interesting. Although Yang isn't nice in the way Gil and Dante are, he is pretty nice to her in the sense that he kinda allows her to do what she wants if she uses her brain and resists him in a logical way he can understand? I loved the CG of him pushing her down on the bed🥺 Nice to know that if she doesn't stay in the same room as him and let others think she's Yang's woman, everyone is going to screw around with her...😶 Lmao when he "kindly" took her as a cat to hug instead of a woman, so he won't do anything to her haha. I guess that's his compromise🤣

Okay, Lili sitting on Yang's lap and him feeding her congee (probably) is like so hot lmao. On another note, I can't imagine a weird breakfast of xiao long bao, congee and fried chicken?? What is this weird Asian mix hahaha. Hahahaha, I love how much Yang loves to tease her, especially when he calls her human or cat depending on what he feels like. He's forceful to kiss her but I'm assuming he's just being considerate for her in his own way. I feel sorry for Orlok. It's early in the morning and he's in for the shock of his life already since Yang and Lili are making it seem like they had sex lol. Considering Yang's important regards towards eating meals, I wonder if it's because of something like he used to be a street rat or something and starved? I feel like Fei and Lan are pretty cuteee, sad that they died in Dante's route tbh, especially the way Lan died, it just seemed like she was so overcome with grief over Fei's death and didn't know how to cope, which is understandable since they're twins. Awww, I love how Fei said Lan was cuter when she said Lili with blonde hair was cute like a doll. 

It's like culture shock for Lili to come to Veleno and try to help someone but realise they're like high on drugs... I guess the twins lectured her in a way that they just wanted her to be more careful than thinking she's stupid, especially since they tried to cheer her up with a mantou haha, why not a cha siu bao though🥺🥺 To be fair, mantou were cheap, warm and filling back in the day, whereas cha siu bao was more luxurious I guess haha. Okay wait, excuse me!! The voices can't say it's mantou and then say it has meat and vegetables!! That's a meat and veggies bun, completely different loll! If even the twins think it's weird for these drug addicts to be so ferocious, I wonder if it's because Lee is starting to do his own thing to try and take over the Lao-Shu? It's nice that Yang saved Lan and Fei in Gau Lung Seng Caai, it's a pretty bad and lawless place after all so I'm sure anyone that passed by who helped them would be an angel tbh, and even if the Mafia may be a frowned upon way to live, it's still better than dying or living on the streets waiting for their death. But yeah...this is a crappy situation for Lili, especially since apparently the women who used to be with Yang ended up dead or living a life worse than death because they "knew too much". But I'm honestly surprised that he would let them know anything, so I'm kinda assuming that these women were gathering this information rather than him showing it to them, but I guess the opposite could happen since I doubt Yang really cares about their lives anyway.

Sfogliatelle sounds super hard to pronounce! But omg, I've seen that pastry before but never tried it either, I can understand Lan and Fei's excitement towards Lili making it for them, so jealous🥺 Not sure if it matches with yumcha lmao but whatever rolls with them. Anyway, I love how even though Fei and Lan are Lili's guards, they genuinely love hanging out with her, it's just so sweet~ they have no obligation to care about her but I think the three of them rub off each other really well since they're all essentially quite simple and kind. Lmaoo when they told Yang about how Lili really likes pandas and she was embarrassed thinking it was childish, but then Yang pat her head and said she can like what she likes, and even suggested bringing a real one here for her hahahaha. Okay, so I tried to ignore what could have possibly happened to Elena, but it's terrible!! Lee's got her high on drugs and is basically taking advantage of that to do what he wants with her. Honestly, I kinda just hope when she initially got captured after trying to save Lili, she didn't get gang raped by the Lao-Shu men before getting to Lee since she obviously didn't have the protection Lili did, and Elena is really cute so...sigh, it's heartbreaking to see her like that, and for Lili to not be able to do anything about it because even though Lee is technically Yang's subordinate, he has his own ambitions and his own men, and Lili really can't do anything about him. I just feel so bad for Elena since he's obviously taking advantage of her sexually, sighhh, I hope Lili actually gets to save her later on.

Not gonna lie, that CG with Yang covered in blood after killing a drug addict was pretty hot. Even though Lili says that Yang could have easily dealt with the guy without killing him, which is probably true, I'm not sure about leaving crazed guys like these roaming around on the streets especially when she was nearly the target of one in the beginning, it honestly doesn't help that they're obviously violent enough and lacking any mental capacity to understand who they're attacking. I just feel like Yang is "cleaning up" his own territory in his own way tbh. And lol, okay, I was right hahaha. LOL, does Lan have Guan Yu's weapon? Yep, I googled, it is hahahah lmao, that's amusing I guess. LOL at Orlok asking Lili why she's Yang's woman, and says that the Bible has informed him that love makes people mad hahaahha, I'm not sure which part that is but I find it so funny how he's basically calling her crazy for being with Yang. I admit that I've been waiting eagerly to see Lili in a cheongsam/qipao dress but omg, I feel so sorry for her considering how revealing it is, and it's tight because it's Lan's size too like dang, not only must it be uncomfortable physically, but it's uncomfortable because all these Lao-Shu men are jeering at her trying to see her underwear. Not surprised Yang was so mad and pulled her out of the room lol, but I honestly feel for Lili, she didn't have a choice since Lan and Fei said they would kill her if she didn't wear it, and like obviously they were playing with her and they wouldn't do such a thing, but after realising that they're not really her allies and would always prioritise the Lao-Shu and Yang, I'm not surprised she would think so. I wanted to cry when she cried because she's basically been fearing for her life this whole time and Yang's mood changes are pretty unpredictable for her so she's definitely stressed, the poor girl🥺 Awww, Yang personally went to get Lili a proper cheongsam, and it was a white one with gold embroidery! I guess he likes how pure but elegant she is? Hahaha. Nice that Lan apologised to Lili about the dress and properly thanked her for the sfogliatella, the twins are so cute, I love them.

OMG LOL, Yang really ordered a stuffed panda toy from the mainland for her!! It literally rode a ship to come here just for her hahaha, it's so sweet and cute of him to do that (even though this particular panda toy is a bit ugly tbh lmao). I kinda wanna feel sorry for the guy who tried to give Yang info to save his family or something, but he betrayed the Visconti and told something important like where they were going to attack Yang, so not really lol. I just feel sorry for Lili having to see the guy die in front of her and have blood splattered over the food, yeah that's disgusting lol. Lmao when the twins got excited over Yang eating Lili's half-eaten bun hahaha. I also found it pretty cute how Lan noticed that Yang was only eating Lili's pastries out of all the desserts haha. It's actually pretty amusing how the twins introduce the tea of the day and Lili tells them what she baked for the day, yumcha for them always seems so peaceful lol. Tbh, I forgot about the human trafficking the Lao-Shu did so it was surprising to see a live trade of it, and pretty sad to think about all these women who were made to get addicted by drugs then sold off in Asia, it's just terrifying to think of. In a way, I wonder if it was a blessing for those women to have been killed due to Gil and Dante bombing the trade ship and burning it down... I feel sorry for Lili that Yang dragged her here to experience all this, but considering his reaction and stuff, it seems like he feels like he lacks what makes people "human", so he tries to bring Lili along to stuff to see her reaction and kind of want to see through her what is supposedly normal and what is not, what any normal person would be angry and what they wouldn't? Or maybe what he lacks is the ability to "feel" things? Since he seems to gauge things by whether they're "boring" or not, so I guess anything that makes him feel some sort of "emotion" is what drives him on to do what he does? Although for a guy that doesn't feel much for other things, he's very understanding and considerate towards Lili, but I guess it's also because he knows people's strengths and limits well. Omgggg the CG of Yang taking her hand and leaving the forest, is she wearing the white cheongsam?! It's so cute on her!! Must be super uncomfortable to walk in a forest with it though, I can see why she tripped at night, but honestly seeing this now, I would be surprised if she could keep up with Yang and them in that dress lolll.

Although I love how sexy their first time was, I'm surprised Lili gave herself to him already, like didn't she just realise she likes him?! I understand she's willing to offer herself to him if he'll save Elena but she herself also understood that saving Elena didn't just mean taking her away from Lee, it also meant that she needed to help her get off the drugs and willingly leave him and go back to "normal", so I feel like she just went too much with the flow with Yang lol. She's still confused about what kind of person he is and whether she wants to be with him, and yet she got mesmerised by him, which I guess in a sense can't be helped since he is pretty attractive haha, but c’mon human trafficking. Btw her white negligee was beautiful, Yang has good tastes in clothing~ but loll, he really likes white doesn't he. I have to agree with Yang, Lee as a "villain" was pretty boring and disappointing, I honestly thought he would be more interesting (especially since he's kinda pretty too~) but he turned out like such a basic villain that wanted to take over the Lao-Shu but was too weak and not calculative enough haha. On another note, I'm surprised Dante was killed rather easily by Yang, but anyway Dante really shouldn't have tried to corner him by himself. Anywayyy, I'm surprised Lili doesn't feel bad about it though, like I know she doesn't really know Dante (but then again, she didn't know those girls on the boat) but as Yang said, Dante lost/died to Yang because he was trying to "protect" Lili and not hurt her. So even if he may not be someone she can trust, I find it saddening that other than not liking seeing people die in front of her, she couldn't even give some sympathy for Dante who genuinely tried his best to not hurt her... And Dante is such a cinnamon roll so it's sad loll. I feel bad for Nicola though. Honestly, if I was Nicola, I would hate and want to kill Lili too, it's not like he cares about the Key Maiden thing anyway, and honestly from his perspective, I would be so mad that Dante died because of some silly girl enraptured by Yang and condones all the crap he does compared to Gil and Dante.

It's kinda funny and cute how she's so smitten with Yang that even though she thought about taking Elena back to the church, she never thought about returning even though it's her home lol. It's also kinda cute how sweet Yang has been to Lili, especially when he poured a drink for a subordinate that was insisting on Lili pouring it lmao, he was so intense about it😂 Pretty terrible for Nicola to hold the church kids hostage to lure Yang out, even if he's not planning to kill them, he's already mentally scarred them. I think it's really cute how Fei and Lan decided by themselves that they want to help because they understand the desire to protect their home, so even if Yang refuses to go, they'll go. I just hope nothing happens to them because I love the twins! Anyway, it's interesting of Lili to say that she couldn't believe the Falzone would do such a thing even though she decided that she couldn't put her trust in Dante before? Lol, like what do you really know about them Lili if you thought you couldn't trust them before? Gotta love how Lili was happy to hear Yang's confession, and how if she ever wanted to leave him before he got bored, he'd rather kill her than let her go lol! I like Yang, but dang I'm definitely more scared than swooning over it lmao. On another note, even though Lili's actions are irrational and she might come to regret it one day lol, I guess I can to an extent understand the idea of not accepting someone's actions but still loving them. 

Anyway, why didn't Nicola and Gil band together to get rid of Yang? What was the point of Nicola trying to get rid of Yang himself at the church? That was such a waste, there's so many better opportunities to try and kill Yang without having to take such a huge gamble, not to mention that Nicola and them are at a great disadvantage against Yang when it's one-on-one. It's basically impossible for them to defeat Yang by themselves because they rely on guns and Yang has the agility and speed to dodge most bullets, and on the other hand, they're quite incapable of dodging Yang's weapon because of how unique it is and how strong Yang is. I'll say that Nicola and Gil were pretty silly for the best ending but I guess they needed to die in order for Yang's ambitions to succeed, so I guess it is fitting to call it Yang's best ending, but not really Lili's haha. But since she seems okay with it and just kinda rolls with all these deaths, she's pretty much complicit in it all now lol, like excuse me Lili, they killed so many people, so they did a "good job" and should get a nice dinner? Hahaha, she's totally living the Mafia life, I don't think she's a normal civilian anymore lol. I still love how much Fei and Lan are fond of Lili though, and always try their best to protect her. Going to London as their next destination sounds interesting but yeah, this is a very different holiday than it is with the other guys lmao.

Okay, in the good ending, Elena seems weirdly interested in who killed Lee, and she's weirdly "sane", so I guess she's more on the insane side? Haha. I always found it kinda frustrating that they never really talked about what happened to Elena, and it just kinda brushes it off and she kinda goes back to normal, so I'm a bit more happy now that they're addressing it here and showing that in a sense, Lee saved her from being drugged and transported back to the mainland where she would have then died. And it is pretty disheartening to hear that she was drugged to the point that she probably didn't even realise how much she was "used" by those men. Anyway, I feel sorry for Lan and Fei because they're very emotionally kind people, they're just where they are because of their circumstances and because of Yang. As for Elena... I feel sorry for Lili, but I guess in a sense it's true that you can't really save everyone...even though she tried. Because of her, Lan probably died so I don't really feel sorry for Elena anymore. On the other hand, Yang dying because he hesitated to kill Lili along with Gil was pretty saddening. He always says he doesn't really care about her thoughts and feelings and only selfishly wants her, but in the end, he was the one who loved her the most. Lili doubted him and his love a lot in this ending and Yang himself probably doubted his own feelings too, so it's kinda saddening to see it all turn out like that. Honestly, I don't know which part of this ending was good though LOL, it was definitely much more bittersweet, but yeah I quite liked it and it probably flowed better than the best ending too haha. I guess it's good in the fact that now the Visconti kinda rule/take care of Burlone and get along well with the Falzone? Hahahaha. Guess it's a good ending for the masses lol!

Anyway, I feel sorry for the Yang in the tragic ending, is this what happens when he indulges in Lili? He lets his guard down? Omgg btw, there's so many nice kiss CGs with Yang! Love how Yang carried her around jumping across buildings or something lmao. Yang arriving like a prince on the balcony is so beautiful, I love it🥺🥺🥺 but it's so weird of Yang to do all that hahaha. Is it supposed to allude to Romeo and Juliet? Hahaha. Honestly, Yang is so sweet to make a commotion just so he can see her, I'm dying, my heart is so full🥺 Ooh, I love this tragic ending! I especially like that it didn't go as I thought it would (Yang dying), instead Lili died because Yang used her as a shield to kill Dante. It's quite saddening that Lili still loved him even as she died😭 It was also kinda nice to see that despite Yang sacrificing her, he does regret it to an extent and I think I kinda like tragic it is in that sense. I always feel so sad when the twins die, sigh, but I'm just glad they got to die together. I like the variety of bad endings, I knew there would be one where Yang would get bored of her and give her to the other members, but yeah that was pretty hard to stomach imagining her life from then on... Anyway, I really enjoyed the short story, it was so cute how Yang made Lili braid his hair, and loll when he kept making excuses that it was annoying to braid but didn't want to cut it lol. Lmao in the extra story (after the best ending) when Yang got angry over the gentleman guy kissing the back of her hand, and Lili told him it's normal, and Yang's like you're a cheater😂😂

Overall, I really loved Yang and his route. Some parts of it are iffy in terms of stuff like how Lee and his part was more boring than he looked, how our Mafia bosses seem to make silly decisions just to make it the "best" ending and how Lili kinda throws all sense out of the window because of love, but I still loved it. Honestly, I'm not usually a fan of characters like Yang who would kill girls like the heroine at the drop of a hat depending on his mood, but he was so hot, I could see why Lili was mesmerised, especially Okamoto Nobuhiko's voice omggg🥺 I relished listening to Yang talk all the time because it really captured the type of guy he was, seductive, dangerous but enrapturing. I also loved how Yang never really "changed" for Lili, he didn't suddenly become a better person, she didn't suddenly become a "bad" person (although she did compromise a lot of things to be with him I guess lol), but they still worked out because they liked each other and did things for each other that warmed their hearts. He's the Mafia guy I wanted all this time hahaha! A terrible guy in real life but great in otome😂 I guess there's something about ruthless and dangerous guys doing stuff like giving stuffed panda toys to girls that make me swoon lmao. Yang was such a playful flirt, it was fun. Oh and omg, I honestly think Fei and Lan really made this route so much more fun too, I love the twins. They're so cute, deadly but also super kind, I loved their companionship and honestly think they're probably the best subordinate/secondary characters compared to the other characters in the other Mafia groups. It was also nice to see a different perspective to the normal Mafia dynamic that Dante and Gil have, since Dante and Gil are respected for either their kindness or their charisma, but for Yang, it's the fear he instills and his strength, it was good to see dodgy subordinates too lolll. Anyway, I really loved the tragic ending so much because seeing Yang deny he loves Lili whilst constantly thinking about her and in a sense regretting he killed her is just so tragic and interesting. Oh and the CGs are so good with Yang!! It was so hard to pick ones to be my absolute favourite😭

Sleep Tight For Me...I’m Gone

Lately I’ve been writing these Better Days Are A Toenail Away™️ posts in Microsoft Word, selecting all and changing the font to Garamond, which is so readable and beautiful, and posting the Word docs, paragraphs by paragraph, inside these Tumblr drafts. It makes things look nice, to my old fashioned sensibilities, but fixing errors is a time-consuming and needlessly convoluted four-step process.

First, I have to copy, then delete the paragraph containing the error. Then I open the doc. and paste the error-ridden paragraph back into Word. After I find and fix the error, I need to save it and copy and paste it back into the post. It's time-consuming because I’m not just copying a paragraph. As you can see from more recent post, what I copied looked more like a photograph of the paragraph, not the words themselves written in Tumblr’s default font Arial. For an example of this, see below. I like the way it looks like old newspaper clippings. I posted an article about how my fent dealer John Smith kept getting robbed, and had resorted to putting a machete in front of his front door as a way of preventing this, a lever of sorts, which is plainly visible in the video I posted,

So today I’ve given up on trying to make my posts look like books or zines, and have given into the Tumblr font, which is about as pretty as a horse with his snout shot off.

There are two much longer posts I’m working on right now, one about Nirvana and one about Soundgarden, respectively, and how both bands were very unlike their public perception, but those posts are taking a lot of work so I’m putting them on the backburner because today is some dumbass corporation’s day where it tries to synthesize mental health and profit and the end result is as baldly capitalist and clumsy as you would expect. 

I’m not gonna name the company, or repeat their stupid fucking slogan. As far as I can tell (which isn't very far), talking about my trauma has never made me feel better. And in fact it has sometimes made me feel worse, because in telling you what hurts and scares me, I’ve given a part of myself away that I can’t get back. When you’re like me, and you’ve lost everything multiple times, sometimes the only form of power you have is how you choose, or do not choose, to tell your story. And in a world where everybody wants to tell “their truth,” silence is power. 

You don’t get to know me, sorry. I’m not gonna hand you my life, both my bad and good experiences, and conclude: “Welp, that’s why I’m so fucked up. Case closed.” 

Honestly, I used to be a little confused, or miffed that my former partner (who is an amazing person btw, in every respect) almost never spoke about some of the traumatic things she’d experienced in her past. I took it as a sign that she either didn’t trust me, or she didn’t think I would be a sympathetic listener, or the mere fact of my gender precluded her from sharing because I couldn’t truly understand what it was she had gone through. It’s not like I ever asked her to talk about it, but I did say, once or twice, “hey if you ever wanna talk about that stuff, I’m around.” She never took me up on it, and I let it go. 

But as I watched her, and saw her life unfold, over the years we spent together, I began to realize I wasn’t exactly in any position to be telling her how to live her life or how to be mentally healthy. After all, she has found success in a number of avenues, both creative and occupational, and I’ve found neither. I'm not saying the fact that she didn't talk much about her trauma is the reason for her success. I'm saying that she's forged a better path through life than I have, and maybe I should take a cue from that.

She never told me what to do, per se. It was more like living by example. But because I’m pretty dense, and a severe addict, our time together actually sorta reminds me now of that Cornell lyric from his first record: She’s going to change the world. But she can’t change me.

I have certainly found that talking about how shitty my life is only makes me feel more shitty, not free, or unburdened, or better. If you wanna talk about your problems, and you find it helpful, more power to you. Just don’t wait for a corporation to tell you it’s okay to not be okay. 

When Chris Cornell died I was so shocked. Of all the grunge icons he seemed the most stable, and he'd survived the rise and fall of two major label rock bands. If anyone had survived the media machine that chewed up and spat out Staley, Cobain, and to a lesser extent Andrew Wood and Shannon Hoon, it was Cornell. He would be the last guy to support hashtag activism like #StarbucksMyLifeSucks. Chris Cornell actually loved to fuck with the best laid plans of corporate rats. Molson once had a few promotional concerts in Tuktoyaktuk, Northwest Territories, called Molson Canadian Rocks Arctic, with both Hole and Soundgarden playing to a crowd of flown-in grunge fans and bemused locals. But the whole anti-corporate thing grunge was known for actually came through when Courtney Love told the crowd she “use[d] Molson Canadian to douche.” Lol. Here’s a photo of Love arriving in Tuktoyatuk.

Cornell told the same people “so we’re here because of some beer company? Labatt’s?” Both artists’ jabs are funny. Cornell’s was a bit more subtle, but that’s what Cornell was like. 

So today’s post is about Chris Cornell’s suicide, more specifically the media’s reaction to it. For whatever reason, when Cornell died, every single news outlet, from CNN to Fox to CBC, posted “Black Hole Sun,” as if it’s the only song he ever fucking wrote, or – and this is far worse – the only song he wrote that’s worth hearing. The problem with this is more than twofold or threefold. It's fucking hydraheaded. 

Not only is “Black Hole Sun” a mediocre piece of music, it’s a complete misrepresentation of Soundgarden’s sound. 

Now, I’m a huge fan of the A.V. Club series HateSong, in which public figures gleefully talk shit about the one song they hate more than any other song in the world. The Max Bemis (Say Anything) one where he talks about Nirvana’s “Rape Me” as a terrible rewrite of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is terrific, but comedian Anthony Jeselnik’s HateSong takes “Black Hole Sun” apart, and I love it. I think the best line is: I think the more I hear it, the worse it gets. AVC: After the song became a huge hit, Chris Cornell said that he’d written it in about 15 minutes. AJ: I totally believe that. I don’t believe that Soundgarden likes that song. Like, I remember Eminem once said that he knew his song “My Name Is” was going to be a huge hit because the first time he heard it he was annoyed. It’s something about an annoying song that just grabs onto people. But I don’t think that anyone likes “Black Hole Sun.” I’ve never heard of anyone who likes it. I don’t understand why it gets played so much. It’s become a summer jam, and it’s not a summer song at all. Jeselnik is right that Soundgarden didn’t think much of the song. Guitarist Kim Thayil wasn’t kidding when he disparagingly called it the “Dream On” of their live show. And Cornell himself, known for a meticulous approach to his songwriting, had admitted that with “Black Hole Sun”was “probably the closest to me just playing with words for words’ sake, of anything I’ve written. I guess it worked for a lot of people who heard it, but I have no idea how you'd begin to take that one literally.” I mean it’s obvious from the opening lines that Cornell is just playing with words and how they sound: in my eyes/indisposed/in disguises no one knows What songs would have been more appropriate for Cornell’s untimely death? Glad you asked! Cuz there’s like…fucking at least ten that would have been better. I’m not tryna be one of those “the deep album cuts are better maaaaaan,” but with Soundgarden, it happens to be true. With some bands, the single are their best work. With other bands, the singles are the hors d’oeuvres for the entrees. So what deep cuts would have celebrated Cornell’s death a bit better? Well, to begin with, Superunknown’s strange and stately closer “Like Suicide” would have worked, for obvious reasons.

“Tighter and Tighter,” a song that is actually about the moment of death and what it might feel like, is one of my all-time fav Soundgarden songs. Not only is it a creepy and prescient prediction of what Cornell’s death by hanging himself may have felt like, it’s opening line is a good description of the personification of death: Shadow face/Blowing smoke and talking wind

Another sample lyric: “A sucking holy wind will take me from this bed tonight/and bloody wits another hits me and I have to say goodbye/sleep tight for me, I’m gone/and I hope it’s  a sweet ride/here for me tonight/cuz I’m feel I’m going/feel I’m slowing down.” 

The morning after Cornell’s death hit the news my buddy and bandmate James told me that en route to work his phone, which was playing music randomly through his car speakers, landed on “Tighter and Tighter” and he had to pull over because he was tearing up. 

“Fell On Black Days” is another song about depression and mortality. Cornell had the following to say about the song: “Fell on Black Days” was like this ongoing fear I’ve had for years ... It's a feeling that everyone gets. You're happy with your life, everything’s going well, things are exciting—when all of a sudden you realize you’re unhappy in the extreme, to the point of being really, really scared. There's no particular event you can pin the feeling down to, it's just that you realize one day that everything in your life is fucked! 

Now, if that’s not a cogent and even-tempered explanation of suicidal thoughts, what is? Why else would Cornell have admitted to being “really really scared” by his depression unless he knew what that depression could ultimately leasd to? Here’s some lyrics to “Fell on Black Days.” Dig the high literary use of “whomsoever” and “whatsoever.” Whatsoever I’ve feared has come to life Whatsoever I fought off became my life Just when every day seemed to greet me with a smile sunspots have faded and now I’m doing time cuz I fell on black days

Whomsoever I’ve cured I’ve sickened now Whomsoever I’ve cradled...I put you down I’m a searchlight soul they say but I can’t see it in the night I’m only faking when I get it right I sure don’t mind a change but I fell on black days how would I know that this could be my fate?

Eagle-eared listeners might think this version different from the album version. They are right. The rendition in the video was recorded live off the floor @ Bad Animals, the Seattle studio owned by Heart, where Soundgarden would record Down on the Upside. 

“Boot Camp” is a scary meditation about loss of agency that for years was tied with Zeppelin’s “I'm Gonna Crawl” for Creepiest Song to Cap a Discography, until Soundgarden reunited and released King Animal.

“Taree” is about ghost light, influencing events after dying and features Cornell’s most exhausted, convincing “yeah” @ 2:57.

“Applebite” is a Matt Cameron-penned ponderous clunker about Adam’s original expulsion from Eden. Doomy and death-laden.

“Let Me Drown” is a song about letting someone die.

“The Day I Tried To Live” is frequently cited as Soundgarden’s finest achievement, its odd time signature somehow sounds straight, thanks to Matt Cameron’s brilliant time keeping.

“4th of July” is a song about a post apocalyptic urban landscape, where the speaker isn’t sure whether he is seeing fireworks or bombs. 

“Limo Wreck” is a cool death song and has an eerie 9-11 prediction. “Building the towers belongs to the sky/when the whole thing comes crashing down don’t ask me why.” 

ANY of the above songs would have been better than that fucking asinine dirge-like major key fuckaround that has somehow not just become Soundgarden's signature song...but their ONLY song. 

Does nobody remember Johnny Cash covering “Rusty Cage?” 

“Outshined?”

“Burden In My Hand?”

“Blow Up The Outside World?”

Did none of these other songs get stuck in the electric head? (The electric head is Rob Zombie’s term for the technologically advanced culture we have found ourselves enmeshed in, or imprisoned by. It was the subtitle for White Zombie’s 1995 hit album Astro-Creep 2000: Songs of Love, Destruction, and other Synthetic Delusions of the Electric Head.)

For my money (which ain’t much honey), the song that best fits both Cornell’s artistic integrity and the sad circumstances of his suicide is “Tighter and Tighter.” I once wrote a whole article on the way artists use “yeah” as a placeholder or as a way to convey emotion when words themselves aren’t adequate. Dig that tired, world-weary exhausted “yeah” at 5:35 of “Tighter & Tighter.”

Or the creepy line going into the first chorus: remember this...remember everything’s just black or burning sun. Not that I agree with such a bleak worldview. It’s a writer’s line. And Randy Bachman has said, “when you’re a writer, you’d step over your own mother.” That’s the Cornell I want to remember. Not that he would step over his own mother. By all accounts he was a committed family man. I mean, I want to remember the Cornell who created strange atmospheric sonic worlds, who explored the dark side that sadly, eventually won out. His otherworldly beautiful music is what I choose to remember about Chris Cornell, not his estate tastelessly exploiting “Black Hole Sun” by using a line from the song to title a posthumous Cornell album of covers No One Sings Like You Anymore. Sigh.

First Cornell’s widow said this was “Chris’s last album.” Okay. What about the Soundgarden songs he recorded vocals for before he died? Kim Thayil was pretty diplomatic about it when asked recently. Cornell did record vocal tracks for the follow up to King Animal.

Kim Thayil: “Given our love for Chris, I do not see us reconfiguring without him.”

But he makes it clear in this interview that Cornell’s widow Vicky has those tracks and won’t release them to the band. Maybe because she blames the band for Chris dying that night? She’s not wrong to believe that they would have known, and seen, what kind of shape Cornell was in, at least at the venue, maybe not later at the hotel.

Kim Thayil: “It’s entirely possible that a new Soundgarden album will be released. Certainly. All it would need is to take the audio files that are available. I tighten up the guitars. Ben does the bass. We get the producers we want to make it sound like a Soundgarden record.”

Interviewer: “Is there an obstacle stopping that?”

Kim Thayil: “There shouldn’t be. There really isn’t. Other than the fact that we don’t have those files.”

Interviewer: “They’re not under your auspices?”

Kim Thayil: “Right. It would be ridiculous if [the record wasn’t made]. But these are difficult things. Partnerships and...property.”

You’re just gonna keep those wav files? And why title his covers album Volume 1 if it’s his “last album?”

Oh right. $$$

No one does sing like Cornell, but is “Black Hole Sun” really the best thing he ever did? The best song he ever sang? Should an album of covers be the last thing he gives to the world?

The only honest answer is no.

Sleep tight Chris. You’re gone.

BLACK MIRROR S5E1 “STRIKING VIPERS” E X P L A I N E D

-with the help of gender and game theory-

Y’all asked for it so here we go

Some things before we start: -If you were watching the episode looking for gay/trans shit, and got disappointed, I’m sorry but I can’t help you because that’s just not what the episode was about and that is ok. It explored some aspects of queer experience, and the limbo between queer and cis-straight experience, that isn’t usually addressed in such an honest and indepth way, which I think is just as important as trans or gay rep.  -I will focus my analysis on the core theme of what certain academics writing about androgyny call the “moment of transgression” so in this case the question of ‘what is Karl/Roxette’s deal & what does that mean for Danny/Lance’s feelings toward and interactions with them?’. -CW: transphobia, homophobia, toxic masculinity, (rpg) uncanny valley stuff, you get it, you know what subjects we’ll be talking about here. 

Now!

I’d like to start by pointing out the title “Striking Vipers” to get the phallus talk out of the way right off the bat x’D: It’s a very blatant penis metaphor, and Vipers specifically are venomous, so represent toxic masculinity. The image of them striking signals danger. The repetition of phallic symbols represents the threat of castration (see medusa turning them bois to stone & the heroic masculinity of the mirror shielded boi who managed to defeat her), which to phallocentric masculinity is the scawiest thing there is (losing the phallus = losing manhood = death?? I guess??). Striking Vipers means that toxic masculinity, by nature, is a threat to itself. (I could talk for hours about the exact warped logic of phallocentricity but Imma spare y’all cause I don’t think it’s relevant for this, I’d even go as far as saying this episode was anti-phallic (which I use here as a more inclusive word for “feminist”, as the episode’s core is about two guys, but still focused on them experiencing and embracing feminine power and freeing themselves from phallocentricity(/patriarchy)’s grasp, just like “what men want” was preoccupied with the toxic masculinity of its female protagonist)) That sets up the kind of horror the episode will be about, the male fear of castration, of loss of identity, of having to face the fact that traditional masculinity is toxic even to the people who conform to it. 10/10 title choice.

Next up: the core question of what label to put on Karl and Danny’s VR interactions (‘Fellas, is it gay to fuck ur best friend in a lady body in VR?’). Which leads to the first question which is: what gender is Karl when he’s playing as Roxette?  An essentialist might say: ‘Well he’s a man irl so he’s still a man even if he plays with a female avatar. Danny’s attraction to him is either him being trapped or just plain old gay.’ But I don’t think that’s the case. It’s not a trap scenario (have some videos on traps and how they’re not real actually: (x.), (x.)), because both people involved know the exact parameters of the situation. Danny knows this is Karl in Roxette’s body, there’s nothing hidden, no misunderstanding to be had here. I also don’t think it’s gay because if it was this would’ve happened irl or with two male avatars, but it only happened once one of them was in a female avatar, that was the change that made it happen. It’s not a fetishising phallic/trans women scenario either, because it’s the opposite, it’s a man’s mind in a woman’s body. There’s no doubt about Karl being a man irl, a queer man sure, but definetely a man. He’s just too into -womanhood while playing her for me to say he’s still male when he’s in that form, like Karl as Roxette isn’t a trans guy as a man’s mind in a female body usually would be (like f.e. Ranma 1/2), I also don’t think Karl as Roxette is an androgyne/non-binary/third term either, because again, he’s embracing her womanhood and the role that comes with it, to the extreme that is hetero PiV sex, too much. I’d argue what we see is the closest to the liberation and euphoria described by other queer men when doing drag, she’s just a more extreme version of drag, of crossplaying, making the fantasy real, wearing not only the clothes of a woman but the body too. Roxette as Karl’s avatar is an alter ego, who is female, so -on the risk of sounding like the biggest performativist since Judith Butler- Karl as Roxette presents as female, so, for all intents and purposes, is female in that moment, regardless of his irl persona maintaining his male gender outside of that. 

But that wasn’t what we wanted to know, was it. Because even if, in the moment that Karl plays Roxette, we can say that person is female, that doesn’t eliminate the fact that Karl, outside of that, isn’t and that he’s still the one playing her. It’s the notion of how the player/actor/performer and avatar/character/persona aren’t the same thing and can have different relationships with someone in real life vs in the game, and how that can be confusing to think about because there is no clear line between the two, something that is called “bleed” in ludology(/game studies, from lat. ludus: game or school; referring to the gladiator schools in like the colosseum), despite their relationships being fundamentally different (in this case friendship irl vs passionate love in game).  Take TAZ as an example: The McElroys are related, but in playing a trpg, the DM, usually Griffin, takes up the mantle of all NPCs in the game world, including love interests. Griffin played Julia, Kravitz, and Danny (different Danny lol), but he’s talking to his brother, except he isn’t, is he, cause it’s not Griffin talking and it’s not his brother responding, it’s two characters interacting. A similar uncanny valley can be found in actor/character bleed: Take Ludi and Pom (the actors for Lance and Roxette) in this one: like 80% of their screentime was spent making out or having fake sex. These actors aren’t dating (as far as I’m aware lol), this is their job, to fake love each other on screen, imagine having to do that with a coworker you feel nothing for. It’s the characters that feel something and you have to play that feeling (which is so meta at that point, they’re playing characters that are avatars being played by characters in the show). Also, talking of role-playing, can we appreciate the scene of Danny & Theo at the bar where they’re role-playing and she’s like that was hot and he’s like mental note bae’s into role-playing, because DAMN that foreshadowing of the erotic potential of roleplay as a concept.

But it’s not role-playing really either with Danny and Karl, is it? They’re playing in avatars other than themselves but they’re not fully a different person. They still very much feel the same just in a different form. Their emotions are real even though they might only apply to part of their experience, the in-game part. Yet they obviously take them seriously and personal and get influenced by them outside the game. Maybe the question is what is and is not role-playing? Where does the bleed start and end, and do we even need to know the answer to those questions? They answer those questions for themselves in the end by testing out their feelings irl to see if they track or not, fully ready for both possibilities (which 10/10 character development love it). They want clarity. It’s about the emotional limbo fantasy brings with it. It’s the same question “Are traps gay” is about. (Not the “Is it ok to feel attracted to androgynous ppl” one necessarily, but) “Does feeling attracted to the fantasy mean you feel attracted to the “real” thing underneath?” Are the feelings for the fantasy alone or also for the reality? Are they only applicable to the latter and does that change something about what you thought you knew about yourself? It’s a question about the fringe edges of limited/monosexuality and the very fabric of reality. 

Let’s return to Karl to look at his experience as Roxette. We’ve established that she is female, but what is Karl while playing her? In the spirit of queer drag as liberating, it’s almost like he’s taking a break from being Karl when playing as her. Drag, crossplay, or this extreme version of it, functions as a break from the toxicity and limitations of traditional gender roles (so in this case traditional masculinity). It is freeing, though what does it free? Some genderless spirit inhabiting each person? But then how do you explain the firm gender identity lots of people, including for all we know Karl, experience in everyday life? As a trans person I know that there is SOMETHING to gender on some level that can create gender dysphoria (social and/or physical) for people when put in a body they don’t identify with. As a drag performer, trpg enthousiast, and notorious crossplayer, I know that taking a break from that reality and being somebody else can be relieving, a break from your own problems. So what is that part of us that translates into fantasy? I feel like this goes into transhumanist territory which I don’t know enough about to even attempt to provide an answer. I think what it comes down to in terms of gender theory is, this is a situation at the height of where performativism is true and relevant. There is a relativity to the nature of reality and gender itself. Whatever base essence there is that causes gender dysphoria at a mismatch between outside and inside, doesn’t apply here. Both notions (of essential and performative gender) are real and have an impact on people but neither is always the case and neither is never the case. They’re not mutually exclusive. 

So, seeing as it seems impossible to pinpoint what gender Karl/Roxette qualifies as (other than all and/or none), let’s look at the nature of Danny/Lance and Karl/Roxette’s interactions and feelings toward those interactions and each other to try and contextualise what label(s) they might fit under.  The desire on Danny’s side when faced with Roxette’s form shows itself in a way he’d never feel toward Karl. That visual change, and the social changes it brings with it (in gender role), makes it so extreme, because it pairs the parts of his friend he appreciates and enjoys (personality and whatever deeper connection a close friendship brings with it), with a form that is attractive to him. That change translates to Karl too. In playing with this new form that has a different role and a different effect on someone he’s known for so long, he flows into that, melts into this new persona and lives it up! The way they interact in game isn’t gay. It is very much reflecting how straight attraction and female sexuality works. On one hand it’s based in undeniable difference (hetero = different), and on the other hand Karl/Roxette’s enjoyment thereof is based in being desirable, in having that power of seduction just by existing, that notion of feminine power and the freedom that comes with it. It’s not autogynephilia, that would imply he gets off on the idea of himself as a woman, which is not the case, he gets off on being desired as a woman, which is what female sexuality is about (source: ContraPoints’ Autogynephilia video (which I recommend, it’s very good))

Still whenever Karl tries to get Danny to keep having VR sex with him/Roxette, he talks about her in 3rd person, like a persona. In saying “it’s just like porn” he poses something that is very much a different activity (acting out the porn by -doin’ it-) as a homosocially (social as opposed to sexual/romantic) acceptable one (watching porn together which I’ve been told is a thing). He attempts to differentiate himself from his female persona and enjoyment there-of (by objectifying her, like a porn actress to be watched rather than identified with), himself and Danny from the queerness (in enjoying femininity and in Danny being down with basically fucking a drag-queen) and to retreat back into heteronormative traditional masculinity, away from the scawy unknown of exploring your sexuality. His internalised homo- and transphobia makes him suppose that Danny, as a supposed straight guy, will only respond to the safety of assured non-queerness, which, honestly, I don’t think is the case with him. Karl supposes his cancelling on him and not wanting to do it anymore is out of the fear for his sexual identity or whatever, but from what I can tell, while Danny also seems to be rather confused about what it all means, the reasons he cancels their nightly sessions, and rejects Karl/Roxette, are always about not wanting his marriage to fall apart. He quite clearly prefers hot VR sex to hanging out with his wife, and cancels out of duty to her rather than fear. Even the first time they kiss, Karl is the one to freak out first. Danny seems much calmer about the attraction part of the situation, to the point of in the end being the one to take initiative and make them try it out irl to put an end to the confusion.

The episode hits hard because it takes the way men play video games and brings it to its logical conclusion. Video games are mens safe-space, and they do play with that playful flirty banter. The show takes that and makes it real, including taking it to its extreme conclusion that is -doin’ it-. It infiltrates the male safe space by taking normalised behaviour, and taking it so far that it puts traditional masculinity and heteronormative attraction in question, the very thing the safe space was supposed to protect them from. That’s why it’s existentially horrifying for the main characters (and viewers that identify with them) and qualifies as a black mirror episode even without having a homo-/trans-/biphobic ending (like other media that put traditional masculinity in question usually do, not to mention all the horror based in queer-coding) 

Hope y’all enjoyed this journey into a bit of mind-bending game and gender theory! Pls don’t expect me to do this like ever again bc I need to go work on my actual essay rip x’D 

My Decision: Thoughts, Theories, and Some Changes to how I do Things from here

Ok...so here it is. I’ve decided to keep F/O-ing Aaravos. What happened in season 3 wasn’t unexpected. The creators hinted numerous times about his role in season 3, and I knew something was coming. I just wasn’t sure how to process my feelings on it.

Warning: If you care about spoilers, don’t read any further. Spoilers for season 3 of The Dragon Prince is below.

I came to the conclusion it wasn’t that he did bad things...but who toward. That being Viren. The villain of the show. I like Viren as a character still, and I guess now I see what Jason Simpson (his VA) in an interview was saying. He likes Viren as the complicated villain he is...but if he wasn’t just joking around, he doesn’t feel the same about Aaravos. At least this season.

I think it’s because those that genuinely like Viren’s character (not agreeing with his actions, but not disliking him as a character) will have a harder time with the scenes where Aaravos is doing something to him. Like the webbed up eye so he could see Aaravos’ ghostly apparition or the scene where the caterpillar emerged from Viren’s mouth but much longer and larger...and then continued to change in the final episode. As well as the many times he used clever wordplay on Viren to steer his thoughts into bigger plans...plans I think Viren would have had already, but until he became king he didn’t have the power to go through with it and was still in the habit of not overstepping his boundaries.

Viren is capable of lying and could be lying to himself about what he wants from Xadia. He just got power, he doesn’t want to lose it over a risky decision...but Aaravos knows what Viren is like, and uses that to his advantage.

If you like Viren’s character...you’ll probably have a hard time still liking Aaravos in those scenes. Because Viren IS the bad guy...and Aaravos IS manipulating him slowly but surely. It still isn’t clear what this means, or why...but I’m sticking to my belief Aaravos’ role isn’t as a villain, but he is an antagonist. There’s a difference between the two.

The show creators say mixed things on him. In their Tweets we get quite a bit of subtle but ominous warnings...and a confession his design was an attack on the fandom, from Aaron Ehasz (show co-creator) as a joke. Then Ehasz repeatedly says throughout several interviews that Aaravos is very complicated, and has said once that Aaravos is “disliked, that’s not the same as bad.” This being in response to Justin Richmond (the other co-creator) saying “and obviously he’s bad enough they literally tried erasing him from the {history} books.” Ehasz’ exact response being “he’s complicated” and Richmond saying “he’s interesting enough they tried erasing him from the books.” Ending in the above line from Ehasz of “he’s disliked. That’s not the same as bad.”

He was making a clear distinction between the two words, probably anticipating the suspicions from the fans hearing or reading the interview of his (Aaravos’) place in the story. This doesn’t make him good either...canonically I can’t call Aaravos “good” in any sense right now. Except good at being sassy and a show-off. lol

But I won’t put him fully in the villain category. Sol Regem was willing to kill the future King of the Dragons and an elf of Xadia if they didn’t let him kill the human with them either way. Yet he’s in all the promotional posters for some reason as well as the prologue opening. That part, of course, is made more clear in the first episode of season 3, though. He was flying toward the Dark Mage from the prologue in episode 1 of season 1. Then flying blindly as his face was burning after the confrontation.

He’s clearly also important to the plot...but I can’t call him ‘bad’. Not great...but not a villain.

The last bit of evidence is Aaravos’ actual name. It’s of Danish and Arabic origin and means “between light and dark, not good or bad.” Every other name has been spot-on:

Callum-Dove King: He’s a Sky Mage, and the Skywing elves are strongly influenced by bird themes, much like Moonshadows have strong ninja themes and the Startouch...is literally covered in stars and wearing a constellation on his clothes. Callum is a Sky mage, doves are birds, and he’s working toward a peaceful future. Doves are a symbol of peace.

Ezran-Helper: Look how helpful he was this season especially!

Viren-Leader of heroes: Uh...ok I don’t know WHAT heroes...but he is a good leader. Say what you will about his character, he has leadership skills. Aaravos didn’t have to teach him that stuff.

Claudia-Lame: Ok this is a bit harsh...but it is the ‘crippled’ lame. She’s...not doing well now. She isn’t physically crippled, but mentally and emotionally she is pretty badly wounded.

Ziard-Wizard: He’s a Dark Mage. A wizard. Spot on.

Sol Regem-Sun King: They literally say his name meaning...SUN KING. He was a king of the dragons once and is an Archdragon of the Sun.

Zubeia-Beauty, grace any of those. She really fits that name. She is beautiful.

Avizandum-Reserve Judgement: I interpret that to mean on Aaravos. He locked him in the place behind the mirror because he isn’t sure how to deal with him yet before Viren and Harrow slay him (Avizandum.) Aaravos is literally in 300 year jail time right now, and Avizandum was still deciding if he should execute him or not for whatever he did.

That or he’s reserving judgment on humans, which is why he defends the border instead. We might find out eventually...cause that is still a mystery. Why is the king of the dragons guarding the boarder 24/7? I get he was basically the ruler of all of Xadia...but it’s still an odd choice.

Anyway, Aaravos. Names clearly mean things in this show. I think his is the hint that he seems bad right now, but he isn’t. He isn’t good, but he isn’t bad. I don’t know how they’ll pull that off...but I’ll be impressed if they do.

There was also still more evidence on a theory I have that he’s telling the story is true as well. In the prologue, he calls Avizandum by his human-given name: Thunder. He says “the humans called him Thunder. For when he spoke his voice shook the earth and the sky.” In the episode we learn what happened to Avizandum, Aaravos is the one to say the name, but Viren doesn’t recognize it.

Viren is the one that tells Aaravos what they called Avizandum. Which was “Thunder.” If Aaravos isn’t an omniscient narrator and has been imprisoned for 300 years or so...how would he know this in the prologue if he didn’t in that scene? Coupled with the opening sequence of his hands uncurling a map, the lighting and desk surface or the shade of blue of his skin being nothing like in his prison. I could be wrong, and while I’d be disappointed to be...oh well.

What I’m saying is...Aaravos lives to tell the story if my theory is right. Which means he isn’t bad enough the writers have to kill him or something else...I don’t know how they’ll do it if it’s true, but I will be quite interested to see it.

Aside from the Sunfire elves in Lux Area, who I don’t think deserved what happened, his actions are all for a purpose related to what’s happening...but if we knew his perspective maybe it would seem less like a random evil act, which contradicts him being complex if it was just a show of his power and how ruthless he can be. Because from our perspective there wasn’t a reason to kill the Sun Queen other than “look how evil he is! Oooh!” Which doesn’t go along with the information we’ve been given so far. There’s more to this scene, I’m sure. Though it could just be that he killed her so she couldn’t reveal what he whispered in her ear...which was also a strange move. See? He’s complicated and there are still a lot of mysteries surrounding him and his actions. Aside from that, the only one Aaravos has done much of anything to is Viren. Anything kind of graphic and sort of gross (at least with the caterpillar.) Who is again...the Bad Guy.

So all that to say...yes, I’m going to keep him as an f/o. But in doing so I’m ignoring the show canon on this blog. As in I won’t be trying to work my S/I into the narrative as much anymore for the time being. I’m going to treat the blog similar to how @justafictionalthing​ where I don’t worry about canon or accuracy to the character’s personality in the source material to a T. I still love the show, don’t misunderstand. I’m going to watch it to the end of the saga, whatever happens...but on this blog, for the time being, I’m treating it like the Aaravos here and the canon are separate.

My Aaravos, the interpretation on this blog, is aware of his source material. If anyone’s read Inkheart, think of it like that. Fictional character comes out of their source material but still exists in the story itself as well. I might make a little story or something explaining this, but that’s the angle I’m going for in all future Takeovers and commentary.

I don’t dislike his canon portrayal, I know he’s more than what we saw...but for the blog it just doesn’t work right now. My S/I would never be ok with what he’s been doing...and keeping it hidden from her goes into some risky territory... I like that kind of stuff if there’s a happy ending payoff, but for the overall blog and my way of selfshipping, which has turned more “I’m actually with this character, not just writing myself in their story,” it doesn’t work.

TL;DR: I don’t hate or even dislike canon!Aaravos, but he doesn’t work well with what I want on this blog. I’m still with him, but the version you guys have gotten to know on this blog. Sassy but friendly and knowledgeable, and now separated from his source material almost Inkheart-style.

I’m too attached to who he is now from relationship development to drop this. I still like his canon self, but he’s changed a lot on this blog. If you don’t like that, watch the show for the ‘true’ Aaravos experience. Nothing but soft and sassy here for now. With some dark stuff if I’m in the mood for it.

1x13 coda... of sorts

my writing of what should happen after. kylex cos they cute and someone has to appreciate alex’s fashion sense

also posted on ao3 lol

baby I can read your phases like the moon

Kyle hears about Max, then Maria and Michael, from Liz.

“Maria and Michael?” Kyle almost drops the stethoscope.

“Yea. They are into each other for awhile now,” Liz replies.

“I thought-“ Kyle stops himself. This is sensitive territory; he knows Alex, Liz and Maria are good friends, but he also knows that Alex shows parts of himself selectively to different people regardless of who they are.

She looks up and furrows her eyebrows, “You knew about Alex and Michael?”

“I work with them, especially Alex. Manes-Valenti stuff. Michael joined us for the Caulfield trip just a few days ago and I swear there was something between them - huh,” Kyle pauses, “the talk didn’t go well, I guess?”

“Mikey what have you done,” Liz groans. “Is Alex okay?”

“I haven’t met him yet. Now to think about it, he hasn’t replied my texts.”

Liz dials Alex’s number. Frowning, she calls him again. And again. And gives up. “He’s not picking up. Argh.”

“Maybe we should leave him alone for now. He hates talking about his personal life,”

“The last time he talked to me about his relationships was like ten years ago. And I didn’t even know it was about Michael until three days ago,”

“I’ll find him,” Kyle promises.

“I can come along-“

“I know you want to spend time with Max,” he interrupts gently, “and you should. Alex has changed a lot since high school, he’s not going to just open up especially about Michael.”

She sighs. “I want to be there for him,”

“It will be fine. I’ll check on him. Besides you have never lost out in a love triangle before,”

“What do you-oh,” Liz’s eyes widen, “Kyle, I-“

“It’s cool,” he says honestly, “I will always like you, Liz, but I am not in love with you anymore.”

She reaches for his hand. 

“You are right. Tell Alex I will be there for him? When he is ready,” she pleads.

Kyle squeezes her fingers. “Of course.”

    “Alex Manes drinking in a non-Wild Pony bar?” Kyle has his arms at his waist like he is talking to a patient who has made some terrible life decision like stuffing a kinder egg into their ass. He is tired from driving around. He checked the cabin first, the bunker, then begged his mum to help find Alex’s car. 

“Cheers,” Alex picks up a non-empty shot glass, toasts it, and chugs the whiskey. Kyle can smell the alcohol on him. Alex’s tipsy, and resigned enough that he doesn’t bother questioning why Kyle is here.

Kyle stares suspiciously at the drink in Alex's hand. “How many did you have?”

“Not enough.”

Kyle sits next to him. “Liz and I are worried about you.”

“I’m fine.” Alex’s code for ‘I am not telling you shit’. Fair enough.

“I need to tell you something else though.”

“Shoot.”

Kyle winces. “Your dad was following me.”

At that, Alex stiffens. He straightens his back and takes a quick look around the bar.

“He isn’t following me now,” Kyle says, placing a hand on Alex’s shoulder, “I put him in a medically induced coma.”

Alex stares at him. Just as Kyle begins to feel unsettled under the weight of the stare, Alex giggles. Then he bursts into a loud, full bodied laughter that attracts curious looks from other patrons.

Kyle tightens his grip on Alex’s shoulder and tries to get Alex to look at him again. Alex brushes him off and waves one of the bartenders over.

“Get him the most expensive drink you have. It’s on me.”

Kyle worries his lips, and asks, “Are you okay?”

Alex retorts, “Of course I am.”

The drink comes. Kyle sips it. It’s warm and rich and sweet.

“This is good!”

Alex looks over curiously. “I’ve never tried.”

Then he uses Kyle’s hand as a handle, raises it to his lips and sips from the glass. The bottom of his lip grazes against Kyle’s finger. At this distance Kyle can see his eyelashes, the red flush of his cheeks.

Heat stirs and shoots straight down to his dick. Calm down, Kyle mentally scolds himself.

Alex licks the rim of the glass. He isn’t looking at Kyle though. He’s fluttering his eyelashes at the air, but at least three different sets of eyes are staring back at him, from interest to outright lust.

“You done showing off what you can do with your mouth?” Kyle says bluntly.

Alex sits back up, covers the slight embarrassment with a performative pout and a real threat hidden in heated gaze. “Listen, Valenti, I came here to be fucked. You better not be cockblocking me. I’m not leaving until I get someone who isn’t Michael to touch my dick!”

He’s doing this on purpose, being crude to make Kyle uncomfortable and scare him away. But Kyle went to med school and med school students are so  desensitised to anatomical functions that Alex’s remarks are laughably entry-level. He placates, “Look, I completely understand the need to get laid, but do you want to talk?”

Alex narrows his eyes. “About what?”

“What happened,” Kyle presses. He is self aware enough to know that pushing for answers and not knowing when to stop is his worst trait, but in the time they spent together Alex has grown from annoyance to resignation and acceptance of Kyle’s worse habits. And egging tipsy Alex on occasionally leads to him adopting a botched valley girl accent and he gets more tactless and sarcastic than usual. It’s funny and Kyle loves that about him.

“I went to find Michael, and like I was honest. Pouring my heart out honest,”

“...Okay?”

“Then something alien came up, I guess it has to do with the weird lightning storm in Roswell. And Michael was like, okay meet me at the airstream tomorrow we’ll talk. So I went there and waited and he never showed. Next thing I know Maria and Michael are making out at the Wild Pony.”

What the hell. “I will punch him in the dick,” Kyle growls.

“Nah. It’s my fault. I was too late. And also he has mind powers so you are gonna lose. And don’t you dare report this to Liz. She shouldn’t feel like she has to take a side. Besides, they didn’t do anything wrong and I do deserve this.”

Kyle wants to convince Alex that he’s wrong. But Alex will simply shut him down and the conversation ends. Kyle makes a mental note to himself to make things difficult for Michael in small and petty ways when he sees him around.

“What happened to your phone?” Kyle asks, carefully running through a list of less tenuous topics in his head.

“Uh. Dumped it somewhere. It kept ringing and I was trying to listen to my high school mixtape.”

“It was probably the hospital about your dad, dude.”

“Well. Guess it’s not important.”

“Flint picked up so he’s at the hospital now. He probably called your other brothers.”

Alex grimaces. “Argh. The Manes family is back in town. I’m gonna lock myself in the cabin. You should too, just in case. Flint saw the two of us at Caulfield. He doesn’t think I am ballsy enough to do that to our father, so he’s gonna target you.”

“I am wearing a bulletproof vest.” 

Alex snaps out the drunk fuck-all act, looking instantly sobered. “Wait. He shot you?”

Kyle shrugs.

“Jesus christ,” Alex runs his hands down Kyle’s chest, “you okay?”

“You know, the more you do this, the lower your chances of getting laid,”

“You got shot, Kyle! I care more about your safety. You can stay at the cabin - no one knows I live there.”

“Inviting me to move in with you, Manes?”

“If you aren’t comfortable, I can find another place to stay,” Alex says seriously.

“Chill, I’m joking-” 

“This isn’t a joke! It’s important that you are safe - dad’s incapacitated but my brothers can be a threat too, even if they aren’t as difficult with dad no longer pulling their strings!” Alex’s gaze is intense. His fists are clenched and his knuckles are white. Kyle takes one of Alex’s hands and gently massages it, coaxing his fingers to relax.

“I am going to be fine. Both of us can deal with them together because we are in this together as partners. You and I aren’t defenceless,” Kyle soothes.

Alex breathes out. “We are gonna need a plan to deal with them.”

“And we can discuss it in your cabin.”

“Yea, we should.” Alex stands up. It’s almost like the past twenty minutes of conversation and drunkenness didn’t happen. Now that he is standing, it hits Kyle how good Alex looks. That leather jacket. The tight pants that shows off his thighs and ass. The v-neck shirt that tempts his collarbones.

Bite him! 

Kyle gulps the remaining of his drink before he follows Alex out.

    Kyle drives them to the cabin. 

“You switch gears really fast,” he comments, as Alex dumps his jacket on the table.

“Had to be in the army. I’m still gonna be mad at you for cockblocking once we are free from the alien nonsense.”

“You do look really good today,” Kyle blurts out. Alex doesn’t catch the flirtation at all. He drops himself at the couch and removes his prosthetic.

“Would have dressed better if I found out dear old pops is almost dead,” Alex stills, and looks at Kyle guiltily, “I’m sorry,”

Kyle joins him at the couch. “Nah it’s fine. He did fucking shoot me.”

“I won’t take it personally if you pulled the plug, though I know you won’t do it.”

Kyle looks up in surprise, “How do you?”

“Because you are a good person. And you live by a good code. I know I am safe with you because you honour that code,” Alex replies easily.

Shit. Kyle realises. He’s in love. With Alex.

“You are a good person too, you know,” Kyle says. His voice is shaky from the epiphany.

“Michael can’t look at me without seeing what my father did to him. And he isn’t wrong. I know what my father is capable of. And I am so afraid that-“ Alex covers his face with his hands.

“You aren’t your father,”

“Mimi says I have the same energy as him, what if I am corrupted like dad and I-“

“Alex, look at me,” Kyle pries Alex’s hands away, replaces them with his own, “you are never going to be father, you know why? Because you love. And people love you. You think you don’t deserve this love, but you do. And it will always be this love that will never make you your father.”

Alex’s eyes are wet. A stray tear falls and trails down his cheek. Kyle wipes it away with his thumb.

Alex kisses him, backs off as soon as he does. “Shit. I’m sorry. I just-“

“It’s ok,” Kyle says, “it’s okay if you just want to use me as a rebound,”

“Are you offering to have sex with me?”

Kyle raises an eyebrow, “Yes?”

Alex pushes him down onto the sofa and straddles him.

Just as Kyle prepares to kiss him properly, Alex whips a gun from behind the cushion and points it at him.

“Jesus!”

“Who are you and what have you done to Kyle?” Alex demands.

“I am Kyle! I swear!“

“The Kyle I know isn’t interested in guys,” Alex hisses.

In the face of a loaded gun, Kyle is calm. He knows Alex won’t hurt him, knows that this is something only he can fix. He says quietly, surely, “The Kyle you knew in high school, didn’t realise that about himself. The Kyle you knew then was a dick who wanted to be popular and he did the worst thing he could do to his best friend. The Kyle you know now has grown since and found out in college that men are really fun in bed and he has missed out because he was busy being bigoted. He is also very sorry for what he has done and he will aways try to make it up to you.”

Alex lets out the air he has been holding and shoves the gun back into the sofa. Kyle pulls him down and holds him against his chest.

“You weren’t going to shoot me. The safety was still on.”

“I fucked up,” Alex mumbles into his shirt.

“I contributed,” Kyle replies, stroking Alex’s hair, “do you really hide weapons all around the house?”

Alex nods, “I’ll show you around, where they are at.”

“Are you gonna pull out other moves?“

“I don’t want you to have sex with me because you feel sorry for me.”

“I don’t feel sorry for you. I am upset for you. I am also very turned on because you are on top of me and you whipping the gun out did things to my dick. So. Is it a cold shower or -“

“I don’t want you to be a rebound. I actually uh -“

“Uh huh?”

“I do like you. You know? Like more than friends.”

Kyle’s heart soars.

“So do I,” Kyle readily admits, “and we are adults. Adulting means we can have sex with people we find really hot. And we can talk about what we mean to each other too.”

“Okay,” Alex braces himself over Kyle, “I think you are hot, and that you are important to me. If we are having sex it’s not because I’m using you as a rebound. It’s something more.”

Kyle says, “It’s something more for me too. And f-y-i, I wanted to jump you since I saw you at the bar.”

Alex lunges forward. The kiss is intense when both of them reciprocate. Kyle curls the hand in Alex’s hair and he gets soft moans into his mouth in return.

He wants Alex, Kyle realises. Not just when he is sad and angry and there’s alcohol in both their breaths. Not just when they are stuck together by some bizarre family legacies they didn’t choose to have. Kyle wants Alex and he wants Alex to want him back.

Alex rolls his hips down and Kyle gasps. “You are thinking too much,” he shivers when Alex whispers that in his ear, trembles when Alex gently bites the lobe, “focus on me.”

Yes, yes. They will have time to talk about it. Right now he is so turned on it hurts and he wants to make Alex scream his name. Kyle pushes himself up with one hand and guides Alex closer, so that he can sit comfortably on his lap.

“Can I get a real life performance of what you were doing to that glass in the bar?” Kyle asks breathily, after pressing kisses to Alex’s cheeks, the sides of his lips, his neck.

Alex smirks. “I am already gonna.”

Introducing...

The Empath

“When you are angry, I get hives. When you are scared, I throw up. There is nothing you can feel that I won’t feel ten times over. So no, it’s never felt like a blessing. It just feels like hell.” 

I have no idea how to make a summary for a short story/novella/whatever this is going to wind up being, especially when i don’t actually know whether it’s going to extend past what i have planned (which will probably be about 15,000 words) or not. which makes this... difficult, but also i really need to talk about my babes so we are making this. So... uh... i guess under the cut i’ll just talk about the characters and weave in the plot i have planned, and if it winds up going past this small side project into novel territory, I’ll reintroduce it. Good plan. Someone take my blog away from me because i’m bad at this...

Charlie Diangelo: Charlie is 100% the reason i am making this post instead of just posting the story like i was intending to do, because holy SHIT i need to talk about him. Charlie is the Empath, who is probably the most powerful empath in the country, maybe the most powerful in the world even idk. But its really shitty, because the way his empathetic abilities work, is he gets different bodily reactions to emotions. So not only does he mentally get the “yep, they are feeling worried” thing, his fingers and feet start tingling and going numb, or if they are feeling disgusted, his jaw locks up. That sorta thing. He has to live in the middle of nowhere with only his partners really seeing him, because otherwise, he could very literally die from the effects of the emotions on his body. fun! Personality wise, he’s a big ol’ sweetheart and a complete bean, who just wants his partners to stop fuCKING GETTING HURT DAMN IT! He’s cottagecore to a fucking fault and genuinely enjoys the quiet, and is pretty happy living out there. (so of course the SA has to go fuck it up...) 

Hollis: One of Charlies 3 partners. They are the Hero, Stopwatch, and can stop time. duh. They are pretty good at it, have good range, stamina, whatever. They are probably 75% of the quads impulse control, and the only one keeping them all from killing themselves.  The other 25% goes to Charlie who is trying to keep Hollis from killing themself. Because don’t let their mature and responsible air fool you Hollis will 100% come home stabbed and bleeding to death, and say it’s nothing, they are ready to fight again. They just don’t know how to sit still when people are getting hurt and they could do something about it (even though “you were just STABBED you CAN’T do something so sit back doWN FOR FUCKS SAKE”) But for real, Hollis deserves more credit than they get for wrangling a chaotic neutral dumbass who needs to be on a leash i stfg, someone who doesn’t even wear earrings anymore because she is so DTF at all points in time, and a bisexual who everyone thinks is distinguished, but is very much a disaster. 

Nora Stone: She’s supposedly a Villain, the Succubus, which is really, really misleading, because 1, she’s gray-asexual and doesn’t even flirt when using her powers so like wtf, and only got the name because she really likes fancy clothes and 2 she’s not even a Villain, more of a thief, but because she called a bunch of politicians and told them to vote no on a really corrupt bill of the SA’s that didn’t wind up passing because of her, so the SA made her a Villain so they could punish her extra hard if she got captured. So there’s THAT. Her powers are just that she has a ‘special voice’ as Charlie calls it, and if she uses it, someone has to do what she says. She pretty much just uses it to get Gucci without paying though, and like, getting jobs for her parents because no one hires Super immigrants (”tHeY mUsT bE vIlLaInS sEnT tO dEsTrOy Us” bullshit). She’s protective of her partners and loves her family and community to death, and has used her voice to help people and for activism many times, because she can help save people with a phone call to a politician, so why WOULDN’T she? Nora was actually the first of the quad i made and the only one who hasn’t been changed a dozen times, which is a cool fun fact too. 

Oscar: Oscar has probably been changed the most, but i am very happy with where he is now. He’s the Villain, High Flier, and has pretty strong air powers. Like, pretty damn strong here, though not quite Elemental strong. And unlike Nora, he is... very much an actual Villain, and is also an International Villain, so that’s like a Big Deal. He likes just causing big ass wind storms with hurricane/tornado level wind speeds. Fun! Though tbh, he doesn’t cause destruction and whatnot to be MEAN or hurt people, he just likes chaos and having fun, and standing in the middle of a gigantic tornado with buildings flying around him is his idea of fun, so... *shrug.* He’s definitely almost given Hollis an aneurysm like 8 times, and makes all of them super stressed because he goes on trips and won’t come home for like 2 months, and postcards aren’t really enough when you know whole countries want to shoot your boyfriend, you feel? He’s super sweet with his partners though, and always comes home for holidays and birthdays and brings really thoughtful gifts from everywhere he goes for them. He’s just antsy and needs to keep moving, and probably only has two feet on the ground when he’s cuddling with his partners, every other time he is floating on wind.  But also, he’s not really Sparky, hyperactive, ADHD, like, he’s more just restless, wanderlust, must see everything this world has to offer, sorta thing, and gets really depressed if he stays in one place for too long. Though, yea, he’s totally got ADHD too, lol.  I love Oscar to death, ngl, out of the whole quad, he and charlie are my favs. (sorry nora and Hollis, i love you too)

That’s pretty much the characters, and in a short sentence, the plot is the SA fuckin ruins their breakfast and makes Charlie do something he really should not be doing but he’s going to do it anyways because it means he keeps his partners safe. So fun stuff!! This probably will be posted, most likely a dual posting here and on Wattpad. Hopefully doing that will kick my butt in gear and make me put up Hell in High Heels again. (sorry but ATDADT is not going back up, it sucks ass, not happening. Plus i might make it into a full novel. It’s up in the air) (actually would hell in high heels make a good novel to? .... i need to fucking STOP with the DHU already holy shit someone take my imagination from me...)

tag list! lmk if you want on or off! @albatris @ageekyreader @dreamcontagion@merigreenleaf @knightedwriter @norawritess @simplesamples I’m not doing the sparks fly tag list because idk if they actually want other stories in the DHU, but let me know if you two do want to be on the whole DHU tag list, same with everyone else!

Steerio Hearts Stuff & Stuff

White Devils and the Demons They Serve (Chs 15-17)

I was gonna do two seperate posts, but you two are the ones who do most of the reading and y’all actually read EVERYTHING, so I figured, even if it’s as long as a chapter, y’all would’ve read it anyways.

@sweetiedee85

Stevie can’t even sniff his fingers with Bukowski breathing down his neck. What is Bukowski up to with Cheerio? 

I. Am. Still. Crine. Over this comment. That is all. (Because, you just found out in Ch 17 what Bukowski was up to.

But I guess it’s the devil you know versus the devil you don’t.

Even though this is regarding Tesla, this is actually a fantastic summary of most of the characters in this story, hell - in the series. People often accept what their life seems to be instead of fighting for what it can be. That DEFINITELY happens in the context of having a mental illness, because everyday life can be overwhelming enough, so taking extra risks and chances are sometimes astronomical.

What’s sad is they would rather do that than come see their child. Time is more value, and we see they don’t care enough to spend any with her.

The Robinsons are the worst. I just have no other feedback of them for right now. Radja more than Champ - but they are a team and that team should’ve included their daughter and never does. In fact, I have a little arc that involves Radja coming up shortly and yes, she’s just the worst in it. 

But then those dang nightmares and training haunting the poor guy. I know it’s something he struggles with even after their married. He has triggers, and they usually lead to him growing and learning something different about himself and the way he views things. It seems that this is only the beginning of that journey.

Stevie sometimes suffers from psychosis, so he’s forgotten a lot of things that he’s been exposed to, because his brain was just unable or unwilling to process the trauma - much like his breakdown after Mary died. This is why later he still has repressed memories punching him in the gut and why it’s important to him to be a realist. He seems like an asshole a lot, for “Just being realistic,” but he knows himself (particularly after he’s out) and he just wants to make sure he’s trying to assess things normally and naturally, so that he doesn’t unintentionally wind up in a state of psychosis... Now, WE know that sometimes, it’s going to happen, anyway. But, these glimpses into his episodes are here for me to try to explain why Stevie is such an “asshole,” OUTSIDE of his racism. That’s a completely different issue which I’d never justify. Lol.

I do wonder if Tesla wants this footage. I doubt Bukowski has any good in him so is it his self need to have every part of Tesla in his grasp, under his control? Will she be somehow grateful he’s gotten this back? Idk but just the thought makes me sicker.

Tesla does NOT want this footage, wants no part of this footage, was alarmed by Bukowski and Stevie even MENTIONING this footage, and has absolutely no need for this footage. This is primarily about Bukowski’s control, and also his fetish. He enjoys watching. He enjoys knowing things. It makes him feel powerful to know things and to be able to see things. She MAY be grateful that he’s gotten it, but honestly, she’s still suffering from the damage of the event. She knows that it has already been done, and whether or not there is footage, she’s already suffered and has to live with it. Be sick, be very sick. It’s meant to be deeply sickening.

Anyway, Stevie is out of control lol threatening Derek was un called for. We know at this point she’s the one exception to that word, and that’s recent so I wasn’t surprised when he said it. I thought Cheerio would at least consider turning down Stevie’s offer but nope lol She just as toxic in love as him, and she sees beyond his training. I doubt I could have it in me.

Stevie is often impulsive in his decisions, but sometimes, they’re premeditated. Sometimes, he thinks things out, knows that his decision isn’t great and does it anyway. He gets so much better about this as he ages, but Teenage Stevie is deeply territorial and no matter what he says, he feels like he owns Cheerio.

And, no ma’am. I can’t relate to her, in that regard. A chick called me “Kunta Kinte” in 2007. I tried to beat her with a beer bottle in her own trailer, had to get dragged out of there and brought home and I still will call her a bitch, if I see her today.

  Angelwings

Ok... Who is Bukowski even using to make Tesla (Ally) jealous? I mean agh.

This had me cracking up SO HARD. You would be surprised the kinda pink dick pandering out there on the innanets. Whenever I had a successful porn blog, right here on Tumblr, I seen some shit. And there are folk less attractive and less charming that can somehow manage to get little sex games going with people, especially if they’re in a fetish niche (which gingers are).

ok so Tesla told her to have sex in the shower? If she's in the bathroom they accept verbal... side eyeing and looking all squinted eyed trying to imagine how they WON'T get caught.

This is because the orderlies won’t generally just burst into the bathroom while a resident is in the shower if the resident seems fine and is willing to peek out and show their face. They’ll only barge in if the resident seems off (trying to pretend that they’re fine) or is not responsive. They want to value their privacy to a certain extent, but not to leave them vulnerable, if they somehow got hold of a weapon or something.

It just goes back to what Stevie says to Sam. He has to constantly battle with his thoughts. At least he does that.

I touched on this a little bit with Dee. Stevie HAS to do this, to make sure that he keeps himself grounded. His triggers are so dynamic that they literally take control of his mind, for a time. He wants to not have to experience that, and he never wants to hurt the people he loves because of some type of break.

Hmm so Dani is trying to work at a library. That's kind of perfect. Hope she gets it and keeps up her therapy and stuff. It always makes me upset to see any hospital release patients before they are ready. I really hope Dani can transition back into society.

Oh, no - she’s not trying to work at the library. The library is one of the few places that poor people can have access to the Internet and by this time, even though the story is set for several years ago - a lot of the jobs and such are available to apply online. Dani would most likely apply online, because she knows that she might appear to not be normal when going in to get applications and people might “fire before you hire” her upon seeing that she’s not very normal. Sorry, I didn’t explain that. I know that the Texas Workforce Commission has access, but I didn’t feel like researching how unemployment works in Ohio, so I just went the library application route. Dani’s story isn’t over yet, so you’ll definitely find out how life went for her.

They function as a community, one for all and all for their cause. People can do anything when they work together even create monsters and killers.

People who lead abusive lifestyles often see their behavior as normal. Hence arguments TO THIS DAY of “My mom beat me and I turned out fine” or “People are this way because they don’t get beat enough.” Contrary to the cases upon cases of research and information that hitting children only causes trauma. Now, generally - children of abuse do NOT turn out to be killers and horrible criminals. Some go on to be kind humans and productive members of society... But even those generally have to address the trauma that was caused by their toxic environments.

Inevitably we know the fate of the hospital but in the other stories we never hear of the other characters. I hope they get the help they need wherever they go.

I have stories plotted out for most of the ones that we know. It’s gonna be a moment to get to some of them, but I’ll try not to drop the ball, completely.

Stevie was angry with Bukowski for hurting his Bust it Baby- learning so much. I had to look that up. That is Cheri by every definition if not now then later. She is well on her way. That exchange was cute the way Cheri acted. 

Bust It Baby Pt 2 was ONE OF MY FAVES in the club. (Telling my age, now. LOL) But, THEY would have been teens/kids around that time, so I didn’t feel bad referencing that mug. Bwahahaha. Cheri DEFINITELY becomes all of that for Stevie. But, yeah - she was a little bashful about it being said in a group setting.

Even Tanisha had to tell him about himself with Stevie. It's like Stevie was punished for all the children, well Mary got to Stacey but Sam was golden. Some couples should not procreate. 

I think it took a while for Dwight to comprehend that just because Stacie and Sam ‘turned out okay,’ that didn’t MEAN that he had been blameless in helping to shape Stevie the way that he did. He never saw himself as having anything against Stevie, because he loved him as much as he did the others (or so he thought - he just wasn’t CLOSE to him). And Mama T was able to see that Dwight’s not being close to Stevie affected how he handled him, whether or not he did love him - which she believed and trusted that he did, but she needed him to get that STEVIE needed to believe and trust it.

This Entire Review: I Have a Lot of Responses, Love

Bukowski is blinded by crazy. Any half decent individual would see red flags. DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! What an idiot. Poetic justice would be if Tesla killed his awhen he drugged and kidnapped her or whatever his chosen crazy decides to do. I just don't see him living after he knocked on that door.

Unfortunately, Bukowski’s time is not yet up. But, he has definitely poked a bear by reaching out to Max. Stevie making deals in an institution with a demon eww. Stevie has his number already, is he blinded by the vajayjay?

Stevie is blinded by both the caviar and his inability to access, the way that he would like to. He’s a teenage boy trying to squeeze quickies in all day in between heavily monitored times. That argument between Stevie and Cheri was like imagining popcorn pop. You know the explosion is coming. When it does your like damned that's some Good popcorn! I kept saying Oh, and scrunching up my face like Stevie's next words are gonna get him smacked and then he did it. He said the ultimate, ONE word that is complete Taboo in anger no less. *SMACK* ! Round two lol!

Stevie often feels attacked when nobody is attacking him. I blame Dwight for this, because Stevie spent most of his life feeling like he had to explain and defend himself, to the point where his mentality is paranoid and he thinks that he has to fight whenever a conflict or challenge arises. Cheri is not a violent person, but whenever she gets angry (Teenage Cheerio) will lash out, because she’s in a position where she can’t just go to the spa or have a smoothie. She’s relaxed more later because she has the freedom to simply escape for a moment. Here, she’s a caged bird. Cheri is hella patient with him and I get it. I have had to explain blackness to other races, as if EVERY race and EVERY culture and EVERY class does not have their own innuendoes and humor. Even his Arian idiot family. Like the lady at work told my coworker with at straight face 'Don't all y'all like fried chicken? I said what did you do? My coworker said I took a deep breath and saidNo! And what you just said is considered racist. Of course she asked how? My coworker said she just walked away. I probably would have a. been patient and broke it down, or b. said ungh hungh just like all y'all like caviar and filet minion. Just would depend on my mood but Cheri is time enough for Stevie. Most of how she handles Stevie I agree with.

I don’t. It’s not my job to bear the burden of educating people who (if they gave a fuck) could access resources to educate themselves. I made those mistakes when I was younger, and that shit was nothing but additional emotional labor added to the constant processes I had to go through, throughout the day in my black ass skin. I watch racists getting beat up for being trash on YouTube all the time. That’s handling that I agree with.Lol. Now there is no way in hell any man would not take Derek's behavior as a challenge or threat. I felt like he was trying to purposely show Stevie he could reach Cheri in a way Stevie could not and do things with Cheri that Stevie could not just to put it in Stevie's face then try and hide behind a smile and laughter like he didn't have an agenda. Even if he doesn't like her like that he KNEW Cheri was with Stevie. He should have acted accordingly. I think Derek was trying to be sneaky. Yes Stevie is a jelly monster and he is territorial and possessive but that is Stevie. Like Mason calling Cheri Ri Ri then correcting himself in front of Stevie. Mason is not deliberately trying to poke the bear. He calms all that down in front of Stevie and Stevie eventually learns that Cheri has to have other friends. I don't think that was Derek's mind set, befriend Cheri and Stevie. He just liked having the attention sounds like from everyone, in a mental hospital. Stevie is not stupid. Cheri is a little Naïve I think, especially when she meets Max. To me she made a couple mistakes with that. Trust no one. Describe new people in addition to looking up tags. 

This is highly problematic, in my opinion, for many reasons, all of which - I’ll respectfully address. Firstly, any man or person in general that takes the friendship of someone else with their partner as a threat is toxic, and possibly abusive. Control and possessiveness are not key points of love. They are key points of obsession and obsession is almost always dangerous when it involves people as the object.

I don’t think that I wrote anything to indicate that Derek was in any way trying to challenge or compete with Stevie, so that feeling seems to be some internalized antiblackness or at the very least, sympathy for the devil - in this case, that’d be Stevie. Because HE was wrong and he reacted. There is nothing wrong with a black kid getting attention from people or trying to impress or please people, so I’m not sure why that would be considered poking the bear or purposefully trying to upset Stevie. 

They are ALL in the mental hospital, and while Stevie definitely isn’t STUPID, he certainly is psychotic. He’s not always right. Even his instincts are frequently off, at this juncture of his life and it isn’t the responsibility of a black boy, who is here for his own mental health to coddle Stevie and think about all the ways that he may or may not be offending him by being generally friendly to everyone around him, which is literally all Derek does in this chapter. I only wrote him making jokes and being jovial, up until the point that Stevie threatened him, out of paranoia, after being told multiple times that he shouldn’t bother with it.

And Cheerio is definitely naive, but that also doesn’t mean that she should have had all the answers as to why not to suspect everybody that she met. She did her part to try to keep herself safe, and of course, Max would have had avenues set up as to not tip her off. He’s been trained to deceive. Saying that she made some mistakes sounds a little bit victim blaming to me, especially considering that she followed the rules that were given to her, and whenever she was abducted, she was run off of the road and taken. She hadn’t met up with him in the woods, or something. 

She was extremely paranoid (affecting her mental state and her peace of mind), because of everything that they had told her and she had no way of knowing that someone who’s information came back clean was someone else. I feel like this must be stated - Max doesn’t just LOOK like Max Giardi when he greets her. He’s not going up to her looking like somebody that she could Google and she’s just put her thumb in her butt and calls it a coincidence. He’s tactical. He purposefully entered her world. He wouldn’t do it in a way that any normal person would notice that anything off, much less someone that he would presume has been told to look out for him.

Bonus Face Claim:

Ashlee Brian as Derek (Originally a dance crew member in “The End of Twerking” episode.

Hello I was wondering if you could share with us how you come up with plots for your stories and how you handle when you can’t figure out the details and all the key points and make it fit with the characters ? Thanks

Hi :) I’m not sure if I’m the most helpful, because honestly most of what I write is just “what makes sense to me”.. Maybe it’s easier to say, I like to think of the characters as actual human beings, and then put myself in their shoes, and then what would they be likely to do? And once I know that, plot usually follows. A lot of times I start with an idea of a character before an idea of a plot - or at least, an idea of what characters match the scene in my mind, and then I flesh out the characters a bit before fleshing out the plot. But sometimes I do flip it.

Also, I get bored suuuuuuuper easily. So my plots are usually stupid complicated or just stupid lol Because I get bored with things that are too straightforward, and lose interest, and don’t want to write it anymore.

So, I guess, it usually goes something like this for me:

I get a scene in my mind - it may be an impression of a moment (like the sunlight streaming through a window and the dust motes dancing in that beam) or a piece of dialogue between two people; it may be very specific, or super vague.

I write the scene before I forget or lose inspiration.

I figure out who the characters are based on that scene, but it may be a very clear idea of everything about them, or it may be vague.

I start thinking, what would happen to result in that scene? What is the context of this? Is that window in an asylum, a jail, a school cafeteria, a castle, a suburban home, a train, or…? Is that dialogue between strangers, friends, lovers, family, a judge and an attorney, a store clerk and a customer, a person talking to their dog and pretending to answer for the dog, or…?

Usually I try to think of something that isn’t easy. I personally always like there to be contradiction in everything I write, if at all possible, because that makes things interesting to me (since, as aforementioned, I have a shit attention span for things lol). So, let’s say the dialogue is about person A’s favorite book and person B is like eh it’s okay but this other one is better. The easy way out is having that conversation occur in a library or bookstore, or on a commuter public transit, or at school, or something like that. So I usually try to think of, what would be an unexpected piece? Like, what if the conversation is happening between two people who are the sole survivors of a horrific plane crash into the ocean, and they never met each other before this, but right now they both managed to scramble onto some of the detritus and they’re trying to keep themselves from freaking the fuck out until help (hopefully) arrives?

When I get at a loss for what to write, I go for the five senses (and sometimes the sixth). I like to describe the environment in taste, touch, sound, sight, smell, or intuition. The ambient temperature is hot but when the wind gusts, it brings a touch of cold. The ice has nearly melted and it crackles beneath steps, giving way to the miniature oceans beneath. The moon is heavy and so bright no light is needed, and even the stars are like a child’s toy laid out in light bulbs across the sky. Or the emotional context - be it purely mental, or more often also a physical reaction to that emotion. Heart pounding, fingers trembling, breath catching, that sort of thing. Usually I find that if I can ground things back to that, I can ground myself back into the character, and at the very least they can respond to that stimuli, and from there further actions or dialogue or whatever can follow.

I almost never force characters to follow a plot. It’s my personal believe that that’s not a good idea. I think it’s way better to meander away from the planned plot according to what feels right for the characters, and if that planned plot is important enough, eventually it will be natural for the characters to end up right back at that spot. The reason I feel this way is because as a consumer of any media (and as a writer) I’m super character-driven, so if a character stops Making Sense, it loses the rest of the story for me no matter how wonderful or horrible the plot may be. Because then all I can think about is how that feels OOC and it kicks me out of the world the story had brought me into. But if the character continues to make sense AND there’s a boss plot in the background, it’s frickin awesome, and only makes everything even better in the end.

When I can’t figure out all the details, I just figure out the details I can, and leave what I can’t. Then I keep writing what I’m doing, and inevitably later on I’ll get an idea that seems at first like it will work in this direction, but with enough “Oh so if that’s the case, then wouldn’t…?” it always connects back and not only answers questions I had, but also makes it a stronger story, and sometimes gives me more questions going forward (in a good way). That process takes forever sometimes, but I’ve had some really fun ideas as a result so I think it works.

Also, sometimes you can’t answer literally every question. Sometimes there just has to be a detail left unfinalized.

I feel like if you let the characters inform the plot more than the plot informing the characters, it’s easier to keep things in sync. If you have a plot that isn’t working super well with the characters you have, then I will sometimes just create new characters either to be the MCs instead, or else just introduce some new element that upsets the plot and lets it recalibrate with the characters, to bring everyone back on track. Then, from there, being mindful of the characters while navigating plot points. Being willing to completely remove entire plot points if they no longer fit, and introduce totally new ones that were never planned.

As a specific example for that - in ICoS, we planned the whole story to be one book. Afterimage wasn’t going to happen at all… the original plot was like, highlights of the first book, skip over Afterimage and most of Interludes and like half of Fade, and kind of jump to the end but we only vaguely had that idea at that time. That was the plan. If we’d forced the characters to follow that plot, I think the story would have suffered. It was because we realized they would detour into Afterimage territory that we followed along for the ride, and then Interludes was a natural reaction to Afterimage, and early Fade was a natural progression from what came up in Interludes, and then early Fade set the background for middle Fade which led into why things went the way they did in late/end Fade. It’s kind of just like, take a plot point you like, and follow it through to its natural conclusion completely ignoring everything else, just like, plot it out in bulletpoints based on how you imagine the characters would react to things and what is happening in the world itself and how things would go. Then look at that and see how it fits. If you’re keeping in mind the psychology of the characters along the way, then a lot of plot is actually just repercussions of human reactions to previous plot points - be it the human reaction of the MC, or the human reaction on a larger scale. War as a result of human inferiority and superiority. A death as a result of a character’s brash nature. A child resulting from human love. Insecurity over relationships resulting from a human’s previous terrible experience. Things like that.

If there was a plot you super wanted to do, but now it no longer works because of xyz reason - in my opinion, yeah, see if you can get it to work, but if it really just doesn’t at all, then don’t be afraid to completely remove it entirely and just throw that into a totally different story. Who says it all has to be in the same book or series? If it seems like a fun idea but that idea isn’t served well in this context, then bookmark that for another exploration and let this story play out as authentically as it can. Then, in the new story, you can set things up more tailor-made for that plot point you wanted to do, letting it really shine in this new setting more than it would have if it might have felt forced or fit into the other.

I’m not sure if that’s zero help… it’s possible I’m a weirdo in the way I write, I’m not sure. My problem is I actually like to start a story not HAVING a plot… I like starting with a scene, making characters to fit it, writing more, making things up as I go, and getting a feel for the world, characters, environment, that way. Then I will sit down and plot out based on the knowledge I have of the characters and world at that point. But I also usually only plot to a certain point and then leave it open-ended like, “Probably after that something happens, then lots of stuff I don’t know, and the end is maybe this but who knows?” And that way as I write, I have freedom to come up with plots in the near or far future that seem really fun and fit well with what’s happening in the story itself. And if I had no plot super far into the future, or if I did but it was kind of vague bullet points, it makes it a lot easier to add a bunch of bullet points in between to flesh it all out. That way, everything naturally flows, because everything was informed by something that has already been there.

This isn’t always the best plan. I get bored easily sometimes, and stop writing the entire story. So I don’t know if this is the best way of doing things lol It’s just my weird ass way of doing things, because I tend to get way too excited about way overcomplicating things, so for me it’s way more fun to have a super vague future idea so that I can spend more time focusing on making the current stuff I’m writing actually be fun to write, instead of always having to look ahead to a plot I actually want to write but can’t because I have all this other crap I have to get through first.

If that wasn’t helpful (or even if it was) and you want me to go more into anything or have other questions or whatever, just let me know :) Sorry about the long post :(

there’s this one big (as in, I’ve seen their posts crop up from time to time on “I just reblog stuff I find funny or agree with” tumblrs) blog on here that blogs pretty much exclusively about eating disorder recovery through the fat acceptance angle (and the weight science stuff that comes with the territory)

which I have a couple issues with for a variety of reasons: the biggest being that a lot of the scientific stuff goes back to “people don’t read studies and divert to other sources, generally sources they agree with, to interpret the data for them” and I feel like it tends to really misrepresent epidemiological data, and if you asked me my honest opinion about why people develop eating disorders, I’d probably reply with something like “why do people cut themselves?” in complete sincerity

but that’s not the point here lol

So the person who runs this blog mentions in their about that they’ve been in recovery from a 15 year bout with AN for nearly 8 and i skimmed through their picture tag and this person is clearly very underweight. no full body shots, but very visible tendons on their neck in pictures, arms noticeably bigger at the elbow joints than on either end of them. little tells, you know.

and it makes me… wonder, i guess. that someone who was sick for that long forgot somewhere that it was a mental disorder and not all just some diet. makes me think about, like, the entire reason why i know that a lot of the data reporting related to haes stuff is dishonest is because I’ve thumbed through a lot of it when I’ve been at low points and trying to trigger myself – mainly because they way it’s presented is so fucking schmaltzy and I feel perturbed hearing adults talk about their “tummies” et al. i think about how competitive some people get with their eating disorders and how young users on the edanon sub will constantly talk about the size of their own bodies in relation to those around them.

like… given my own experience and observations, there just seems something a little off about whoever is running it

I’m not like levying accusations that this person is some bad actor, the more likely scenario being that this person is trying to will themselves into believing this stuff as a means of recovering but still doesn’t entirely buy what the ideology is selling. though, granted, if the latter is true it’s probably not helpful for them to be in a position of running a blog like that.

i remember someone saying – I can’t remember if it was an internet friend or someone random on Reddit – “recovered people don’t have recovery instagrams, they move the fuck on”

and. yeah. idunno. I have a gut feeling that I don’t trust and all

January 24th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on January 24th, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PST.  The chat focused on Pike’s Reach by Mabs.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Pike’s Reach by Mabs~! (https://tapas.io/series/pikesreach)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

Superjustinbros

Hello!!

RebelVampire

hey super~!

my favorite scene is probably the fight with ezo and nefayn. largely because of https://tapas.io/episode/1179545 this page. i really just like the first few panels illustration wise cause even though theyre simplistic, i kind of feel like they convey this ominous sense of defeaning silence that is appropriate for conveying tension right after something climatic happens

Superjustinbros

https://tapas.io/episode/1234181

RebelVampire

yes there is also that scene. XD which was some good comic relief considering the comic was being very dramatic at the time.

also a good lesson about making sure someone gives permission

instead of just knocking and opening the door

Superjustinbros

yes

Because naked people

RebelVampire

another comical scene i enjoyed was the where they were showing off their drawings of pella's uncle. https://tapas.io/episode/962506 because man are those some not great drawings. especially that left one scares me

Superjustinbros

Oh my god

RebelVampire

another moment i liked, which isnt a scene but more a scene transition you could say, is when the comic switches from adelaide goofing around and then suddenly the warning bell rings.

https://tapas.io/episode/604008

in particular that page

i really love the shots and especially the ominous overtone the first panel has

cause it really helps visually convey the serious has come

Superjustinbros

I love the art style and general color scheme, lots of pinks and purples

mathtans

Made it, though I may not be mentally all here, today's been crazy.

Superjustinbros

hey Math

mathtans

One of my faves was actually to start Chapter 3, when we looked at the "villains" and the main guy was talking about how he didn't want them dead, more turned to his side. I liked the humanizing aspect of the antagonists.

Superjustinbros

Same

mathtans

Too often we just see things kind of one sided. This didn't go that way.

Superjustinbros

Villains that do more than just want the main character(s) dead are always good

mathtans

As far as comedy goes, I liked the brief scene where Adelaide "winked"... maybe... because she could have been blinking and her hair was in the way.

Though I also liked the "cold feet" bit where Nefayn was laughing and Nassar didn't know. In particular it was sort of called back later when he was thrilled that she liked his jokes.

RebelVampire

yeah i really enjoyed that moment with the antagonists. also partially cause i like it being explained why they dont just crush the army cause adelaide is already being silly meeting them on an open field and not using the fort's defenses as was intended

mathtans

Little one's fussing.(edited)

Superjustinbros

Rebel gets it

RebelVampire

but yeah i liked this humanizing affect too of course. because conflicts of territory are rarely straight forward evil guy wants to rule over all the things

Superjustinbros

^

RebelVampire

that and selfishly i really wanted to like pella and that scene proved to me that it was okay to like him cause hes just a goofy sparkly dude just trying to unite the lands.

Superjustinbros

heehee~

Mabs

Hi there! I'm Mabs and the creator of Pike's Reach! I can't stay for too long because sudden school stuff came up, but I wanted to say THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for reading PR! Your comments are making me really happy ;w;

Superjustinbros

Hi!!!

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. Unfortunately for Nefayn, she is cursed twice over both in body and magic. Who do you think cursed her with the first seal and for what reason? Could the culprit be Ezo considering she and Pella seemed to know Nefayn? Why was said culprit pursuing her? In other words, what are their long-term goals in using her? How powerful do you think Nefayn was before the first seal came to be? Now that Nefayn is sealed twice over to be all but human, how will this affect her helpfulness in a battle? Do you believe that Nefayn will be able to undo the seals eventually and return herself to her original form and power? If so, how might this affect her growing relationship with Adelaide?

glad you could stop by, mabs~!

im torn on the culprit issue. on the one hand ezo seems likely cause from her characterization that seems like something shed do. but on the other hand their army is kind of near the end of their campaign since pike's reach is the last one standing and they dont want to murder hobo them. so idk why theyd need nefayn. i kind of like to think theres something bigger gonna show up and pella and adelaide are gonna join forces to defeat it. and that whatever the it is is what's after nefayn. but that could be wishful thinking cause i always cheer for antagonist protagonist team ups when both are basically good dudes with different goals

mathtans

(I swear, my life after 8pm is running back and forth to my little daughter's room.)

RebelVampire

as for goals, maybe using her as a magic conduit. cause thats the only thing i can think of.

mathtans

I get what you were saying about the climactic magic fight scene earlier btw. Just I've never been huge on drama, you know me. ^.^

Superjustinbros

perhaps

also lol math

mathtans

Oh, hi Mabs! I ship everyone!

Superjustinbros

lol

Mabs

Hi there! Yes good, please ship all the characters.

Superjustinbros

Will do~

especially this page https://tapas.io/episode/1221349

mathtans

I wonder if Nefayn was originally that uncle that the General was talking about. Except that would destroy the best ship, so I'm not sure I like that possiblity.

RebelVampire

if were shipping all the ships i now accept https://tapas.io/episode/1077847 this page as canon

mathtans

Yeah, I don't know that it's Ezo. There was also that scene where Nefayn said she thought the big Pike's room seemed familiar, so I feel like she was a citizen of the place somehow.

A teamup would be pretty cool between the two groups. Maybe the West has been getting more organized than they realize, there was some mention of the latest attack being more of a ruse.

Hah. That was a funny one.

Part of me actually ships Ezo and Nefayn, in that sort of 'mortal enemies become friends' kind of deal. So I guess Adelaide ends up with the General's second in command? This was probably heresy to propose.

RebelVampire

idk. shooting someone in the chest seems like a romance deal breaker there XD

Superjustinbros

all ships set sail here

mathtans

It was an arrow of love and respect. Deep down. After all, it didn't kill her.

RebelVampire

but yeah the west could certainly become a threat. or even just one person in the west. like maybe one nation got themselves some guns and are bringing their guns to all the sword fights

mathtans

("It was worse than death, I was made human.")

RebelVampire

LOL

mathtans

As long as they don't bring the gunpowder, it's fine.

RebelVampire

Ezo wanted to make Nefayn human cause she too supports the adelaide/nefayn ship

it was the plan all along

mathtans

Actually, it's not a bad plan. Good way to make the enemy commander very distracted.

RebelVampire

and tbf it does probably take nefayn out of the battle a bit. cause being human has its mortal perils.

mathtans

Here's a possibly related question, who keeps sending the evil things to attack Adelaide? Which makes her sleep with a sword? I don't think it's the general, he seems honourable enough to keep his distance after losing, at least for a while. Maybe it's the same person who did the thing to Nefayn.

Flying is more of a problem for humans.

RebelVampire

i just assumed the magic things showed up of their own accord.

although

pella and ezo dont seem to be plagued by birds

so maybe someone is sending them

or adelaide is special and theyre super attracted to her

mathtans

Right.

Everyone's super attracted to the heroine.

RebelVampire

XD

this is an interesting line of thought

cause i definitey doubt it's pella

cause the impression i got is that this has plagued adelaide for much longer than pike's reach has been under siege

since the sword thing is usually the sign of a long term habit

mathtans

I wonder if maybe the charm that was mentioned as something to keep her safe is actually attracting all the problems. Though it'd need to be something fairies can't pick up on.

Superjustinbros

@mathtans must be one really sexy heroine

RebelVampire

these are some good catches math. i really didnt pay much mind to any of these mentions. that could be though. and tbf nefayn's powers were already partly sealed from the get go so i wouldnt be surprised if shes missing out on some magic things

mathtans

Thanks. ^^ I guess it just struck me as interesting that she's got the sleep issues, and no one else seemed to.

I was wondering if one of Nefayn's powers was to grow big.

RebelVampire

maybe. although i keep thinking its gonna wind up shes a goddess or something O_O

not a fairy sized goddess mind you cause she does mention that fairy form is not her original size

although to the stuff b4 that brings up an interesting point about how much can the magic world interact with the non-magic. cause obviously adelaide being able to see magic and stuff makes her able to interact with it. but how aware does a non magic person have to be before magic stuff can affect them

mathtans

Goddess of sparkles.

RebelVampire

like obviously the others cant see nefayn

but can nefayn like punch them

and theyll be like "oww what a random pain"

mathtans

Well, since magic mines could influence people, I imagine if you make the effect large enough, it'd register.

What if Nefayn caresses?

(I mean, kinda moot now, but still.)

RebelVampire

yeah the magic mines worked. cause if the magic can affect the non magic regardless of their ability to see it, it adds evidence to the idea those birds are super out to get adelaide specifically

QUESTION 3. Magic seems to be at the center of several other mysteries that are presented in the comic. What is Pike’s Reach’s past with magic regarding the mention of a catastrophe involving it? Is Pella onto something about everyone being Adelaide’s age? What might this have to do with the previous lord of Pike’s Reach and Adelaide becoming its lord? How might any of this relate to the fact that Nefayn appears to recall being at Pike’s Reach for a brief moment? There is also the issue of Pella’s missing uncle. What do you think happened to his uncle? How might Pella’s uncle be related to past or present events that occurred in Pike’s Reach? Lastly, will Pella ever discover the truth about his uncle?(edited)

Superjustinbros

That's a cool skill imo

mathtans

Oh yeah, my memory had kind of glossed over that whole catastrophe thing. And the age thing too. Hm, really good points. Maybe they don't physically age in Pike's? Like, they're actually 60, but have the bodies of people much younger?

Again, suspected the uncle might be Nefayn, but that sinks the ship.

Superjustinbros

lol

RebelVampire

if the uncle isnt adelaide's father i will be so surprised

mathtans

Oh! Maybe the uncle is the one who cursed Nefayn.

I wondered about that. If the seeing magic lineage was a direct ancestry. But it might make sense for the uncle to be the one attacking Adelaide too.

RebelVampire

https://tapas.io/episode/970094

like legit look at that family resemblence

https://tapas.io/episode/822837 and pella and adelaide have the same eye color too

and theres no reason it cant be both

adelaide's father and the real antagonist

mathtans

Valid arguments. Maybe it's a red herring though. (Or a red pike! Hah!)

RebelVampire

id even peg him for the causer of this supposed catastrophe. not on purpose. but he vanished and hes after nefayn to try and fix his mistakes.

mathtans

Or maybe he's dead, and he left behind the ultimate weapon to use in case of dire magic circumstances, down in the catacombs.

Or maybe he's undead. He's a necromancer.

Superjustinbros

Could be that now that you mention it

mathtans

As Nassar would say, a very grave matter.

RebelVampire

the charm is the key and thats why the birds are after adelaide. they want that ultimate weapon

birds love ultimate weapons

alternatively he couldve been the one to stop the catastrophe from becoming worse too

mathtans

Adelaide's love is the ultimate weapon.

RebelVampire

cause the fact the catastrophe only took out the elderly or so is implied makes that a very targetted attack. and him being the savior makes sense for why everyone made adelaide the lord.

mathtans

Ah, right, I guess I was still on the "elderly look young" track not the "elderly died" track.

Maybe they were all turned into fairies instead.

Maybe the uncle was turned into a pike.

RebelVampire

or everyone was

theyre all pikes

in the nearby lake

the place was previously called nefayn's love nest, but they renamed it to pike's reach cause theyre always trying to reach those pike

mathtans

spit-take

Lovely vacation spot it is either way.

Mabs

You all are absolutely hilarious and I have really been enjoying reading this. Thank you so much for reading so thoroughly gosh. I have to go to a school thing but I'll be sure to check back later and read the logs! Thanks again

RebelVampire

np and good luck with school~!

Superjustinbros

Cya, Mabs!

And good luck from me as well~

mathtans

Thank you for the creation! Hope school goes well.

Mabs

Thanks again! Bye all~ Good luck with the rest of your discussion

Superjustinbros

Bye!

RebelVampire

ya know, since nefayn doesnt quite remember pike's reach outside of haziness, i wonder if theres some magical third seal that was meant to hide her own memories. a third seal set up by certain uncles.

mathtans

Speaking of school, if there's no older adults, who runs public institutions?

Maybe she set the third seal herself. Nefayn was the cause of the magical catastrophe, doesn't want to remember it.

Everyone fighting about the love nest.

RebelVampire

idk. hard to say without an exact timeline. also without exact knowledge of their system of governance. like for example, education could just be an at home by parents thing. so no actual public institution for it. but i also dont know the cut off date. and maybe no all the old ppl are dead. more its just heavily skewed to one age group

mathtans

"We're in favour of same sex marriage." "Oh, well, we're leaving then." "You realize the founder of this place was gay?" "We're definitely leaving."

I liked Nassar's story, incidentally.

Some good zingers too. "Reel", heh.

RebelVampire

i really hope we get to see more of adelaide's group. cause i feel there isnt enough nassar yet. we need more puns

mathtans

Yis. Looked like we were getting some focus on Berlin towards the end.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 4. Despite the romance and good feels in Pike’s Reach, they are the last fortress standing against the Eastern hordes. Do you believe Pella is genuine about his desire to unite the east to make the country a better place? Why do you think Pike’s Reach is so ardent about not uniting with the rest of the eastern lands? As time drags on, do you think Pella will give into his advisors and stop going so soft on Pike’s Reach? Will Ezo being injured drive them to it potentially? Alternatively, do you think Pike’s Reach and the Eastern hordes might join forces and put their differences aside for some reason? All in all, who do you think will emerge victorious?

mathtans

Ezo's injury could do that (escalate things), since Pella seems to have that thing for her. Honestly, I don't quite see why he's so keen on the uniting to this extent... is it all ego? I mean, why not just be glad you've got 95% of the continent?

It might be interesting if they join forces though.

I hope love emerges victorious.

RebelVampire

i do think ezo's injury is gonna make pella made. at least enough to challenge adelaide to another duel. but then he might also be mad at ezo and be like wtf ezo we were retreating

i dont think its all ego

just more its kind of awkward to not have pike's reach not united with the rest

cause according to that map pike's reach is basically surrounded on all sides

by pella's united country

mathtans

They'll have to redraw all the maps if Pike's given in though.

What the PUC?

Superjustinbros

D:

mathtans

I feel like Ezo needs a friend even more than Adelaide. One who won't keep patting her on the head.

Maybe the injury will mellow her out, but I doubt it.

RebelVampire

i feel like ezo first needs to take a chill pill and stop going all life or death on everything

https://tapas.io/episode/850159 by this map id also assume pike's reach is a strategic advantage cause its closer to the west so if the west tries something its a good outpost to use to stave off an attack traveling in further eastward toward the capital

but all in all i think pella is genuine and really does want to make the country a better place.

mathtans

I can see that. It's a cool map too.

Superjustinbros

Yeah

Feels a lot like Europe/Russia/Asia merged into one

mathtans

"I will bring you love even if I have to smack you around."

RebelVampire

i actually dont know why pike's reach wouldnt want to unite with them to be honest. XD cause trade would be a nightmare at this point cause youd always have to try to skirt and sneak through the eastern horde lands. if the eastern hordes go to war with someone, land troops would be moved through pike's reach anyway. and to me it just seems pike's reach is more holding out for pride

but i guess tbf we dont know much about pella's country. maybe they eat babies and pike's reach has a strict no baby eating policy

mathtans

That's a fair point. Maybe there's something to the whole magic catastrophe, like they used to be a united continent and it went badly for them.

Jelly babies.

Incidentally, they seem to have all the major seasons, so don't live near an equator.

RebelVampire

i mean i guess it could just be an issue they dont want to be governed except by their own ppl or something. idk. i do feel the magic catastrophe has left some scares and suspicions. and ezo is proof pella isnt opposed to magic.

mathtans

Maybe, heritage and traditions or something. Ooh, maybe aliens will come and attack. That would unite everyone.

RebelVampire

this might be the wrong genre for that

maybe nefayn gets kidnapped

and they unite to save nefayn

cause love is the only thing that matters

mathtans

Could be. Oh, that's a thought, since she's vulnerable now and Adelaine owes her one or two.

Oh, and one nice bit I wanted to mention, the gag about her height.

RebelVampire

youll have to be more specific cause my mind is blanking on which specific gag youre referring to XD

although speaking of gags i liked the one where adelaide and nefayn were having the eating contest. except no one could see nefayn. XD

Superjustinbros

Alright, I'm gonna take my leave for now, thanks for the CTP and best of luck to Mabs on the story~

mathtans

(Sorry, little one again.)

The gag with Nefryn still being short... but being at an okay height. (Like, who isn't thinking that... )

That was amusing too. I wonder if you can get away with stuff when you see magic. "Uh, I wasn't talking to myself, no. Sure."

Have a good one, SJB!

RebelVampire

ah okay i know which gag you mean. that one was funny. XD

mathtans

Final closing thought, slow burn romance can be fun for when things come to a peak. Or a pike. ^.^

RebelVampire

i feel in general theres been a lot more jokes like that since nefayn became human

mathtans

It's been good for alleviating some of the tension.

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Mabs, as well, for making Pike’s Reach. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Mabs’ efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: https://tapas.io/series/pikesreach

Mabs’ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/mabsart

Mabs’ Twitter: https://twitter.com/mabs_art

About Valve OCs and the blog

This has been on my mind for a while.

This blog never got a satisfying end in my books, and I’m sure for other readers as well. Even though closure is a myth perpetuated by mainstream media, I will make this post to try to rectify past mistakes and general truancy of this blog. I have my own suspicions that most of my readers are dead (considering all of the porn bots are now starting to follow me), so I write this post in the darkness of the night into the void that is Tumblr. Read my cry if you care.

Firstly, this blog will never update again. There are multiple factors that have led to this blog’s extinction and I think they’re important to address

Motivation

This blog took up a large chunk of my life back when it was active. Don’t get me wrong, bad art still gets me to cringe and I find myself on occasion still pining over weird ocs and art styles on Deviantart. However, maintaining it as a blog with daily updates became a chore for me along with promising critiques of ocs and such. I’ve come to discover that I can’t do what I love as “””work”””. While bad art still remains a passion for me, I don’t see myself continuing this in blog format.

OCs have changed

The OC market has changed. Base art has definitely taken a downturn in the past few years and you’re more likely to see people hand-drawing their ocs or writing them out. Thanks with the culture of memeing about bootleg fandom ocs (This is my own original character blonic, donut steels) , it seems that people are more drawn towards creating their own worlds and characters rather than shoving their mary sue into their current fan favorite content. These are good changes in terms of originality for artists and writers in my opinion.

However, a lot of the formats for OCs have changed as well. There tends to be an emphasis on their sexuality and race in OC culture now. I don’t consider that a bad thing but I’d rather not poke that hornet’s nest of gender identity and race of fictional characters. What used to be the standard straight, bi, gay has expanded into other territories that I am unfamiliar with and now we have more ocs outside of the standard white chick but with Japanese last name because the creator really likes naruto. Again, this just seems to be the trend and I think my last few revival posts kinda show them.

Valve as a games publisher

LOL when’s half life 3???

Valve has definitely moved from being a game developer to a digital distributor.  Steam definitely seems to be their focus outside of Hat/Weapon Skin collecting and online gambling (and also their weird consoles/controllers???). Not that I would continue this blog if they released more content (They published another update to the TF2 comic, can’t wait for that to get updated in a year).

Along with this slump of their own original content, this has led to a slump in original characters for their franchises. There are not as many fan ocs and art isn’t being produced for their franchises (except maybe with comic updates for TF2 and nostalgia for old games).

This blog was created at the optimal time imo with L4D2 still being fresh, TF2 still having an active userbase, and Portal 2 giving some great content in terms of creative material.

Also I’m not interested in reviewing Dota 2 art and I don’t think there are enough Counterstrike ocs.

Negativity

I don’t know if this blog was a source of positive or negative energy. On one hand, I was ridiculing people’s art without much hesitation and not acknowledging how much time and effort that might have been put in by the artist. But on the other hand, it provided laughs for people during its duration and gave me a creative outlet in terms of humor, arguments, and writing. I think I did my best to avoid any harassment for these artists by removing any watermarks that might lead any rude reader to them, but I’ll never know if they suffered any bullying. Obviously I’m not going to put this on my resume as work experience but I like to think that this blog help think critically about their content, regardless of what role you played on the blog be it me, a submitter, an observer, or the subject. Maybe if some supreme being questions why I started this blog in the afterlife, I can tell them I did it for the lolz.

In the end, I think I did more harm than any general good for the world and nobody will really understand that weird pain if I try to repent for it publicly. I don’t know of any key examples of this (or really remember because I haven’t done this shit in years), but I do apologize if I ruined anyone’s ambitions for writing/drawing.

I’m glad there is a stronger hugbox mentality for artists who aren’t very good and I embrace that style of encouragement. I guess my only concern is veering too far into that and just embracing everything as perfect and awesome and never improving. Criticism has its place in society.

Perhaps the real lesson is that who the hell gives a shit about what you post on the internet. Why should you give a stranger any control over how much your art is worth? However, this also gives the argument into determining if any of your art is worth anything based on your preconceived notions on your art’s merits since you are only a stranger to me. Why should you tell me that your art is valid and equal to anything else produced when it looks like you drew it with your tablet pen stuck up your ass?

Maybe we all just need to learn to stop giving invisible voices the power to ruin our emotional states and work on our self satisfaction.

Growing up????

I wrote most of this blog like a million years ago. It was a stronger part of my identity and a part of a community in a way of similar blogs in the same style. But I don’t really relate to the content as much I used to. Valve games are still near and dear to me, but they’re more nostalgic than my current flame and muse. I feel the same happened to other blogs in the same vein as mine. Perhaps also age and the changes of time led to our own focuses in our own lives than looking at the scribbles of some stranger on the internet. While it’s still one of my internet past times, it is not my main focus in life to critique bad art (unless it starts paying serious dosh). I just don’t relate to the words and passions anymore. In a way, this is my own cringe that artists produce when they’re young on Deviantart. It’s kind of funny in a weird way.

This blog will continue to remain up but I’ll probably move into another blog of some sort (I accidentally made this my primary blog and I can’t delete it). It sort of became my main lurking blog and I guess its time that I make a less weird not ghost blog (I’m probably confusing a lot of the people that I follow with my constant hearts and comments).

I guess I wanna say thanks for all of the people who followed this blog and its contents. I probably wouldn’t have continued for very long without followers so you’re all to blame for this negative impact I’ve made on the world (jkjk). I like to think we’re connected with our mutual spirit in improving how we create things and wanting to see improvement in others. I think this blog helped me see the dumbest of things and not be afraid to say it was dumb and I hope it did for you as well. I also hope it brought you laughs in the content that was displayed or the humor I attempted to convey. It did genuinely warm my heart whenever I got a heart, reply, reblog, or messages to keep up the work. It kind of makes me sad to think that I left rather abruptly, but better blogs have died quicker and quieter. Simple fact of life really. Thank god my ego keeps me in check to constantly remind people of my existence.

To any artists out there, bad art is a fact of life. You do not come out of the womb knowing how to do two point perspective and 3d shapes. You mess up doing 3d shapes each any every time until you get it and then move on to the next thing you’re not good at. There’s a common TIL leddit post about how Michaelangelo burnt all of his old works so nobody would know how bad he was when he was starting out. I don’t know how true that is, but that’s not a great mentality to have for your art. Seeing that bridge between your former self and current self is important for seeing self growth in your skills. Plus you won’t have those juicy likes and comments on instagram when you do the art redraw and show how far you come like how can you skimp on that you dingus.

All of the great content creators right now love showing off the shitty art they did as kids because it gives them a sense of progress in their work and their accomplishments and continues to drive them in their own works. (unless you’re rebecca sugar and drew ed edd and eddy shipping porn lol). Heck, some of them even take the stuff that was once cliche characters and expanded on them in their own Original Universe Donut Steel. And thanks to their own Original Universe Donut Steel, now tens of thousands of impressionable young artists can look at it and say “that’s awesome, but it would be way better if there was my own character...”.

OCs are weirdly one of the ultimate ways of fan expression where you enjoy the content so much you wish you were part of it. Even though it’s very disjointed and out of place, it’s usually done in a place of love for the franchise or the characters. So for those of you that are doing that still, keep at it I guess.

Fan art is sorta in the same way where you enjoy something so much that you want to replicate the style/themes/characters in your own or the content’s style. While not as extreme, it’s still in the same place of love and people generally like that more than original shit anyways so continue to make it so I can buy your posters at anime conventions without supporting the original creator lol. 

If you want to harass me further for my sins against budding artists, I guess I’ll link my personal blog if anyone actually asks me. I also wrote this at 3 am so it is extremely unedited and awful but it’s the most “pure” for my usual diatribe. Consider it my first OC for the blog.

Good night, good life, and farewell.

Tagged by @essenceofspace !

1. Coke or Pepsi:

Coke, definitely. I don’t mind Pepsi and learned to tolerate it okay because that’s what my Mom likes best, but if you give me the choice I will always pick Coke.

2. Disney or Dreamworks:

They’ve both got some of my fave movies. Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron and Prince of Egypt are beautiful movies. However, if I go by consistency of excellence, I’d probably go with Disney? But I don’t really have a preference in the way of “I’d rather watch one company over the other”. Dreamworks just seems to reeeeally fluctuate with quality.

3. Coffee or Tea:

I like both alright. I prefer iced coffee and bottled teas lol. I drink tea more than coffee, though. Coffee tends to make me have to shit PRONTO and sometimes when it doesn’t make me have to shit, I still end up like...kinda having an upset stomach? Which does not help my anxieties. So I drink it sometimes but I have to be in the mood and in my own home near a toilet to feel comfortable with it lol. Don’t take me out for coffee, I will get nothing except maybe a water :)

4. Books or Movies: I’m not really sure...I guess books just because it lets me imagine things the way I want them? But they both require a level of attention that I have a hard time maintaining these days. I wonder though if part of my loss of interest in books comes from my eyes getting worse. I haven’t read much since getting them, so it could help.

5. Windows or Mac: I don’t have a strong preference, really. I don’t do a lot of fiddling with my computers, so as long as they can run what I want them to run, I’m fine with them. My desktop is Windows, my laptop is Mac. I’d say my only complaint is how fucking expensive everything Apple is. :/ Wilhelm’s needed repaired for years now but I just can’t justify the expense.

6. DC or Marvel:

Marvel, definitely. There’s some DC stuff I like, but I tend to gravitate towards Marvel more. I’d say Batman and Teen Titans are an exception. But mostly Marvel for me.

7. X-box or Playstation:

Uhhh I don’t really know to be honest? I grew up in a Nintendo household so I’ve never really owned a Playstation or X-box until living with James. Kind of how I feel about computers, I guess. As long as it’s got games I want to play lol. I suppose Playstation probably caters to me a little better.

8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect:

Dragon Age. I haven’t really gotten to play Mass Effect yet, but space as a whole just doesn’t quite appeal to me as much? I do certainly love the alien races and seeing new environments is cool, but overall it just doesn’t hold the appeal to me that Dragon Age’s brand of fantasy does. I feel more creative with DA’s world.

9. Night Owl or Early Riser:

An unfortunate mix of both? I tend to stay up late and wake up early. I don’t really enjoy waking up early, my body just doesn’t leave me much of a choice.

10. Cards or Chess:

Cards. I always forget the rules to chess, card games are usually more straightforward for me.

11. Chocolate or Vanilla:

I assume we’re talking ice cream. Vanilla. For one, chocolate ice cream just rarely tastes like actual chocolate to me. Plus, you can customize vanilla however the hell you want without clashing flavors.

12. Vans or Converse:

Neither really. I pretty much just wear tennis shoes/running shoes/whatever the fuck you call them lol. New Balance is comfy. The shoes I’ve been wearing are New Balance and some kind of Dr. Scholl’s brand.

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar:

Honestly, I’m not sure? My very first Inquisitor was Adaar, so I definitely have a soft spot for them and it was cool to play a new race. But I don’t have a total preference. I model my characters in DA to resemble/act like my characters I write. So I don’t view them as their race, just the character I stuck with that race.

14. Fluff or Angst:

I like both, man. Give me some seriously angsty shit followed by sad fluff. Give me happy fluff. Give me heartbreaking shit. GIVE.

15. Beach or Forest:

Forest. Beaches are great, don’t get me wrong. I enjoy them and I’ve been to a few on vacations when I was younger. But beaches are pretty much always hot unless you go north. And the heat and I are not on good terms. I’d say the downside of forests is they can be fucking humid, and humidity = mosquitoes.

16. Dogs or Cats:

I have a stronger preference towards cats. I’ve always loved them, grew up with them, etc. But I still love dogs and I’d like to have one someday. I’ve basically mentally adopted James’s family’s dog Jake. We’ve always snuggled together when we get the chance and he loves the attention. He just needs to be reminded that I am dainty and cannot be a chew toy sometimes xD

17. Clear Skies or Rain:

Hmm...I really don’t know here...Sometimes I really crave rain, but too much rain can be dreary because I start to feel cooped up. But too much sun can get tiring too because sometimes you just want it to be cooler. I guess it just kind of depends on the season.

18. Cooking or Eating Out:

Here’s the conundrum that ruins my life, aight. Aside from not having money, I can’t really eat out much. I fucking love restaurant food, even just fast food, but here’s the problem: I can’t stand eating in public 90% of the time because anxiety + phobia. I feel trapped and it’s rare that I can relax and properly eat a meal in a restaurant. But I also hate cooking. Which means I actually just eat a lot of junk food when left to my own devices lol. I did cook today though! I steamed some sugar peas and broccoli in teriyaki sauce. Low maintenance and yummy~

19. Spicy Food or Mild:

I can’t stand spicy food. It tends to upset my stomach more often than not. I eat food so blandly half the time you could mistake me for an old woman.

20. Halloween/Samhin or Solistice/Yule/Christmas:

Christmas holds the most sentimental value for me, but I don’t get excited for it like I used to. But I don’t really get excited for Halloween either. I like decorating for both, though, and seeing different decorations.

21. Little too cold or little too hot:

A little too cold. Being a little too hot sends me into anxiety sometimes (what doesn’t tbh) because being hot in general can upset my stomach. Winter’s my favorite for a reason.

22. Superpower

I wanna communicate with animals, Eliza Thornberry style. But I’d also like it to extend to insects and stuff? I’d never be alone.

23. Animation or Live Action:

Animation. It’s more expressive generally and you can do whatever you want with it with no worries about practical effects and the like.

24. Paragon or Renegade:

I would probably end up in the middle, maybe leaning more towards paragon? I prefer to be nice but sometimes it’s just not an option, man. You can’t please everyone.

25. Bath or Showers:

Showers, but it would be nice to have the option to take a bath sometimes. Unfortunately, our tub has a section cut out of it because the last tenant was disabled, so we can’t fill it :C

26. Team Cap or Team Ironman:

If this is about Civil War, I ain’t picking sides. I’m in Switzerland territory with the X-men.

27. Fantasy or Sci-Fi:

Fantasy, but both are good :3

28. Fav Quotes:

I don’t really keep faves, honestly. My preferences change too much. But one I cling to actually came from a dream of mine where I spoke to Christopher Lloyd as Doc Brown lol. But it was meaningful and comforting.

"In all my years of travel, I've never met anyone in the past, present, or future whose path wasn't vastly important."

29. Youtube or Netflix:

Just depends if I’m on my computer or on the couch lol. I don’t use Netflix on my computer.

30. Harry Potter or Percy Jackson:

I haven’t read Percy Jackson and don’t really have an interest in it, so definitely Harry Potter.

31. When I Feel Accomplished:

Uhhh...I guess when I make something I’m proud of?

32. Star Wars or Star Trek:

I’m honestly not huge on either, but I guess I have more good associations with Star Wars because of the people around me.

33. Paperback Books or Hardback:

Hardback, I suppose.

34. A world without literature or music:

Uh...no. I’m not choosing that lol.

35. Who was the last person to make me laugh:

James, probably.

36. Sour or Sweet Candy:

Depends on what I’m in the mood for, honestly. I like sweet stuff but sometimes sour is just great.

37. Believe in aliens?:

Yeah I mean, the universe is too vast not to.

38. Dawn or Dusk:

Dusk, I think.

39. Piercings or Tattoos:

I don’t have either and I probably will never have either. I prefer tattoos on others, but piercings are fine.

40. Girls? Hot?:

Uh yeah man.

41. Snow or Fog:

Snooooow~

42. Sleep facing the wall or room:

I don’t have a real preference where I’m facing as much as whatever side of the bed I’m on.

43. TRC of AFTG:

Uhhh???

44. Horror or Drama:

Drama I guess? Just because horror often upsets me. But I’m not huge on either genre.

45. Orcarina of Time or Majora’s Mask:

Majora’s Mask. I feel it’s got more complexity and emotion to it. 

46. Living in nature or city:

I prefer kind of a medium? I don’t want to live in bumfuck nowhere but I don’t want to be in a city either.

47. Any addictions:

Art supplies ;A;

48. Languages:

English is my first language, I’m working on Spanish and German.

49. What music do I listen too:

Pretty much anything I end up liking? Limiting yourself to a genre is silly.

50. Fav mythical creature:

I’m not sure I have a favorite but I do have a soft spot for mermaids and centaurs.

51. Safe zone:

There really isn’t one, ever. There’s a downside to any locations or person.

52. First fandom:

Probably Pokemon? Either Pokemon or DBZ.

53. Cartoons or Adult Shows:

Animated anything :D As long as it’s good, I don’t give a fuck who the target audience is.

54. Current music:

Not listening to music right now.

55. Favorite starter?:

Like Pokemon? I have a nostalgic soft spot for Totodile. It was back before I could look up to see what the Pokemon would look like, so I had no idea my little Totodile would grow up to be a big badass Feraligatr and I freaking LOVED it. I feel the same way about Mudkip. Weirdly enough, I prefer to start with FIre types rather than Water.

56.  What would your witch’s familiar be?

Probably just a cat lol.

De-Stressing

“I think my favorite is keith being a silent broody mess and someone trying to figure out his deal. lol someone annoying keith when he wants to be alone until he suddenly has to puke is one of my favorite things....I think [caretaker pidge is] fucking sweet and cute as hell usually. Especially if she's super snarky but gets softer when she knows he's really not feeling good.”

A/N: This is a thank you piece for @doublecheckyoself for the gorgeous art and the minific they did based on Sparring Match. No amount of words can express my thanks to you!

Set relatively close after The Blade of Marmora.

Nope. Absolutely not. Not tonight.

That’s what Keith’s stomach told him as he stared down the food goo in front of him, when only hours ago during training, it begged for sustenance. But now that the meal was here, there was no way in hell he was eating it.

Maybe it’s cause Galra don’t eat food goo... the paladin thought, They probably eat...I dunno, weird space mice. Am I going to have to start eating space mice? Do Allura’s mice count?

Keith's stomach protested again, doing a somersault at the thought of eating mice. He pushed himself back from the table and scooped up the plate.

“I’m going to eat in my room.”

None of the others at the dinner table dared to stop him.

By then, word had gotten around about Keith’s experience in the Blade of Marmora’s base, how he faced knowledge or death and found knowledge that he didn’t necessarily want. Shiro told him time and time again that nothing had changed - only his knife could now become a sword. ‘They was probably speaking figuratively anyway’ he insisted, but Keith still took it hard. He isolated himself more than usual, giving him a lot of alone time to think. As exhibited at dinner, those thoughts weren’t the most comforting.

Keith immediately trashed the plate of food goo when he entered the room. He wasn’t going to eat it, and that was fact. He sat down hard on his bed, kicked off his shoes, and took out his knife. The glowing insignia that haunted his dreams glared back at him. His mind swarmed with questions.

Some good ‘knowledge or death’ was, he thought, I have more questions than answers and almost died.

A pang ran through his middle again, causing him to inhale sharply. He felt absolutely awful. Is this a weird Galra thing? A-am I, like, transforming or something? No, that’s stupid.

The more he thought, the more his stomach turned. At least, until there was a soft knock at his door. It didn’t have the same metal clink as Shiro’s knocking, and he frankly didn’t want to see anyone else.

“Keith? It’s Pidge. Can I come in?”

Keith paused. He could handle talking to Pidge.

“Yeah.”

The Green Paladin entered, an expression on her face that Keith didn’t immediately recognize. It seemed like a cross between concern, curiosity, and a bit of professionalism. Why was she so hard to pin down sometimes?

Pidge sat next to Keith, not looking to him for an invitation. “I wanted to catch you alone. Can we talk?”

A chill went down Keith’s spine. That wasn’t the question he wanted to hear, especially when Pidge used her monotone science voice. Keith feared she wanted to start running tests on him, opening him up like a classroom frog. The imagery of him being pinned to a table and sliced open at the belly turned his face a shade paler. If there was even a slight chance of eating some food later, it was completely gone.

“Uh....sure.”

As it turned out, Pidge didn’t mention his apparent Galra blood at all. Instead, she was deeply curious about the experience in the headquarters - the space between the black holes and the star, the ideology behind ‘knowledge or death’, how they structured the suits to tap into his consciousness. She even threw in some sly comments, saying how the Blades probably could’ve chosen a better color palette than ‘dark’. But that didn’t stop Keith’s mind from wandering back to the nausea-inducing thoughts.

He wouldn’t’ve said ‘Galra blood runs through your veins’ unless he meant it literally, right? That’s too literal of a thing to mean anything but exactly that. But how much Galra am I? Humans and Galra can’t have kids, they’re different species! It’s like trying to breed lions and tigers! Except...ligers are a thing...oh god I’m a liger. I’m gonna get locked up in a zoo to be looked at and tested on until I die!

“Keith....? Are you alright? You don’t look so good-”

The Red Paladin pitched forward and threw himself towards the trash can. He only just barely made it before vomit came flooding out of his mouth and painted the bin. In his peripherals, he could hear Pidge say something profane and scramble off the bed to join him on the ground. The back of his mullet and his bangs were slicked with sweat, threatening to fall into the path of his sick.

But, like always, the Green Paladin was prepared. She tugged a small elastic band from her wrist and started raking his hair back with her small fingers.

“I had long hair once,” she sighed, pulling Keith’s mullet into one piece, “I kind of liked it, but it felt good to chop it off. Gets really annoying, especially in space. I used to keep hair ties on my wrist, and I guess I never stopped.” With a few turns of her wrist, his hair was out of the danger zone and tied up neatly.

Keith didn’t mind her talking and touching his hair. It was the perfect distraction from all the badness swirling in his mind and in his stomach. When he was able to get a deep breath in, he encouraged her to keep going. “You had long hair...?”

She was happy to continue, fully aware of the distracting effect she had. She talked about the time when she wore dresses before her father and Matt went on the Kerberos Mission. She talked about how her family encouraged her affinity for science. She talked about her deeper relationships with her family before she hesitated on her mom. And eventually, Keith pulled his head up and set the trash can aside. With a quick rinse with water from his water bottle, Keith pulled himself back to the bed and put his head in his hands.

“I can’t get sick...” he muttered, “There’s so much shit to do, I can’t get sick now...”

Pidge joined him on the bed, placing a hand on his back for comfort, “I don’t think this is a bug, Keith.”

“Then what is it? I didn’t eat dinner or anything...”

“I think you’re stressed.”

Keith almost laughed out loud, “What, me? Stressed? What could I ever be stressed about, Pidge?!”

She frowned, “I’m serious, Keith. Mental stress can manifest in physical ways. You should talk to someone.”

“What, and just expose my entire life story just to get rid of a stomach ache?”

“Well...yeah! If your whole life story is stressing you out. Which it is. You don’t even have to talk to me, you could go talk to Shiro or even the Gladiator Bot! Just someone to at least get this stuff off your chest.”

Keith didn’t respond. He expected Pidge to start yelling at him for ‘not being part of the team’ and ‘having trust issues’ and all the things he’d been told before at the Garrison. But instead, she sighed and talked softly.

“Lay down.”

That idea sounded heavenly. I can do that. I can lay down. Laying down is normal, laying down is a human thing to do- Keith, you need to get your mind away from you being Galra! It’s probably a Galra thing to do too!

His stomach complained again as he slumped down to his side. He wondered if it was truly a one-to-one ratio of stressful thought to stomach ache, or if that was just a convincing move by karma. Either way, he shoved the thoughts away and tried to focus on Pidge again.

“How is this gonna help....?” He asked, daring to close his eyes. He felt Pidge shift on the bed, and suddenly something was touching his stomach. He immediately pulled away.

“What are you-”

“Relax. I’m just gonna rub your stomach a little.” Her voice stayed low and quiet, something Keith only heard on occasion.

“Pidge, I’m not a child. I don���t need my stomach rubbed.”

She went through with it anyway.

“Matt used to do it when I was sick as a kid. Mom and Dad were usually working, and he’d be home studying. We wouldn’t say anything, just curl up and he’d do this. And it’d help me feel better.”

Pidge ran her palm over Keith’s shirt, careful not to drift too high or too low. At first, Keith was skeptical. But after a few revolutions around his navel, his stomach started to calm down, and the slow, repetitive movement kept his mind occupied. He audibly sighed, shoulders dropping a few inches.

“There’s a lot to be stressed about - I’m not saying you’re wrong for being stressed,” Pidge said quietly, “But it’s just like you to bottle it all up until you can’t keep it in anymore. Literally. You need to give yourself time to vent and relax. It’s better for you in the short and long term.”

“Is that some ‘nature and technology and we’re all one’ shit the Olkari taught you...?”

“It’s not shit, it’s working on you right now. And no. My mother taught me that.”

Keith piped down. He didn’t want to step into that territory just yet.

“Are the belly rubs helping?”

“Yeah, they actually are...I didn’t expect them to...”

Pidge grinned in triumph. “Good. Keep it up, and you’ll be feeling better soon.” To Keith’s surprise, she removed her hand and stood up. She headed for the door, stopping in the frame. “Is there anything else I can get you?”

“Where are you going?”

“Well, I figured you wanted to be alone. That’s why you left in the first place. So I’m gonna leave you alone. That’s what you do.”

Keith sat up from his position, “Wait! You-....you don’t have to leave. I...actually have a lot to tell you. I have some stuff I wanna get off my chest.”

Lots of Heat

1 Samuel 27 and 28 made a good comparison between David and Saul. David compromised, in fear of his life. In order to escape from the hand of Saul, he surrendered to the Philistines, and it's all downhill from there, as he even went to what seems to be Israel territories and pillaged the people there along the borders, so that, the person he surrendered to said that "He hath made his people Israel utterly to abhor him; therefore he shall be my servant for ever." And, during the pillaging he took no prisoner, slayed them all, for the purpose of not having the words spread about what he did ("v9 And David smoke the land, and left neither man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep, and the oxen, and the asses, and the camels, and the apparel, and returned, and came to Achish. V11, And David saved neither man nor woman alive, to bring tidings to Gath, saying, lest they should tell on us, saying, so did David, and so will be his manner all the while he dwellers in the country of the Philistines." So, he compromised, lost faith in God, gave in to the pressure, and surrendered to the enemy in order to survive. And then, in order to secure his position and gain the trust of the man he surrendered to, he demonstrated his loyalty by pillaging territories near his own country. And then, in order to not have the word spread (he only wanted his new master to know, to demonstrate his loyalty to him), he killed every person he pillaged. Every compromise leads to a series of compromising decisions. It's never just an one off thing. It appears that he then lived there for a matter of years. Who knows how much pillaging he did, how frequent. Is it just a few times in the beginning to gain the trust of his new master, or something that he continued to do in order to keep that trust? But either way, he accumulated a lot of wealth while living in the land of Philistines. Later on, he himself got pillaged, and those who pillaged him were celebrating over how much booties they got. Chapter 30:16 And when he had brought him down, behold, they were spread abroad upon all the earth, eating and drinking, and dancing, because of all the great spoil that they had taken out of the land of the Philistines, and out of the land of Judah. It appears that they pillaged many places, including David's. So I'm not sure how much of that stuff is David's…. So he actually got more stuff than what he lost, and every person that got captured survived. God blessed him…, even with the compromise! Mike Bickle wrote a book on David, but I don't trust him, for how can a man write a book about a man who went after God's own heart when he himself does not believe in pursuing the affairs of the heart himself? It's most likely propaganda flavored. He may not flat out lie, but he distorts the truth to favor his agenda, up-play some things, down-play other things, highlighting some things, and dismissing some things. By the time he's done it becomes a very distorted and perverted message, maybe not in terms of turning people away from God or turning the ministry into a sacrilegious cult, but certainly in terms of biasing towards advancing and propping up his own agenda. A man like that can't be trusted, by no means. There may be factual things and observations about his teachings that are good, but one must glean very carefully, be on high alert when working through his materials, don't trust him, don't buy into his agendas, but look for things that are useful and glean only those things. It's only fair, because all he's ever after is to extract people as resources, gleaning on parts of them that would advance his own agenda, and discard the rest, very scripturally, citing that they just have to spend more time in the prayer room and work things out themselves. So, retrospectively, in a poetic justice sort of way, the only safe and rightful way to learn from his teachings is to do exactly the same thing, there is no other way to it. If you immerse yourself and trust him and follow him, you'd be exploited and deceived and manipulated. So the only way to do it is to take things apart with an analytical mindset, scrutinizing all the details to determine which parts could be usable and truthful and then discard the rest, like a rat only carefully nibble away the bait without triggering the trap. It's what he rightfully deserves, and,, if he thinks that's not fair, that's OK, because in his own words, he will be rewarded in heaven. It's all fair. It's funny, that in the end, he's just a man who is obsessed with personal greatness. Even though he preaches strongly against it, citing prophetic dreams and everything, but the way he talks, he's still more obsessed than anyone, it's like, when he talks about great people, like Billy Graham, Reinhardt Bonnke, John G Lake, he sounded like he's about to wet his pants! And his ministry strategy is actually just a business model that takes eternal reward into consideration. Deep down, he does not care about individuals, only causes, big pictures, and he expects to be great in heaven and reap great rewards, and he does not mind deceiving and manipulating everyone and turning the ministry into a slave driving sweatshop while doing it. This man is very dangerous. He may be offering his resources for free, but the free part is only bait, so that people can catch on and start their own things based on his teachings, so that they can advance his agenda without him making any investment in it. Those teachings don't necessarily help the individuals, but help his agenda, so why shouldn't they be free? He may say that he stays in Kansas City all the time and don't travel much and don't care about marketing and networking, but, in the messages that I heard him preached last, at FRCC, he's selling crisis, he's trying to get people to latch on by convincing them that the world is in terrible danger and stuff. Sure it may be factual, but it's also very manipulative, the way he puts it, putting very heavy burden on everyone, making people feel heaven, burdensome, not free. OMG it's a trap! Well, I guess if he doesn’t care about growth, then why would he do that? If he's so noble and so sainty, saying that prayer is everything and everything is about prayers being answered, why would he employ this tactic? And he doesn't seem to care about the well being of the volunteers. They work really hard and don't get paid, have to raise their own money, and then, the musicians don't get exposures. They're encouraged to stay put and not do tours. The place is a greenhouse designed to optimized their performance so they don't have to worry about life but just go play music and pray, so they have so little understanding about life. It's like the movie Matrix where they just got turned into batteries for his personal ambition and quest for greatness, and he promised that great is their reward in heaven, but what about the here and now? Are they supposed to just be like this for life and never grow personally? This is a very dangerous place! And he talks about how this place is of the Truman's property, who was an advocate of Israel, and that makes this place special and holy. Whether it's true or not, or how true it is, or whether it's over exaggerated, it is a marketing strategy, delivered in the most humble, understand way, while emphasizing the point loud and clear--brilliant! And, I always say that, sometimes, the best way to study the way of a man, or an institution, is to observe the noobs. So when I look at Grace Chiang, she too, have been super emphatic about how God provided money for her church, how this church is holy ground. Monkeys see, monkeys do, just not as well as the master monkey lol :D I learned so much via the experience, that, even the "very best", "most hardcore" Christians are not necessarily good people. Boiling it all down, they are all about themselves, fighting ultimately for their own agendas. Doing what they do is merely the best way to exercise their agenda, what's best for yourself. On one hand, they mentioned love, but when it comes to things that matter, like recruitment, it becomes about appealing to people's innate nature to seek best self-interest, and convince them with the Bible that their ministry is their best interest, when you put heavenly rewards into consideration, that, "the exchange rate is very good right now, that even if you give a cup of cold water now, it'll be remembered forever." What it translates to, is that it's all good to seek self interest, so long as you put eternity into consideration. So basically, instead of desiring to become a millionaire, apply the same mentality (cough cough "heart", but that word is subversively forbidden) towards becoming a millionaire in heaven, and he gave scriptural references, which are correct, but the emphasis is incorrect, the context is incorrect, the HEART is incorrect, maybe that's why he doesn’t use the word heart, because once you do, then people will ask the same question that I'm asking right now, "What's the difference between a selfish person wanting to be a millionaire for himself vs a selfish person who wants to be a millionaire in heaven? How does selfishness constitute love?" He has no answer to that, so the heart gets stuffed…. Evil man… And as a result, you got selfishness rampaging about on every level. Misty Edward's inner self is not well, but nobody cared, nor noticed. Cathy Campbell looked broken and became a fat woman, like a 大嬸 (like a Susan Boyle type of blunty old lady) when she's still so young, but nobody cared. Laura Hackett's so stifled by her upbringings she wanted to die, you can hear it in her music, but nobody cared. Her soul felt so unsatisfied, but nobody cared. She had to brute force her way and keep singing "you satisfy my soul", but nobody cared. She wrote that song, and people just thought it's so good, so biblically sound, so encouraging, but it's sort of an irony, because when you're in the house of God, you shouldn't have to try to direly hard just to feel satisfied. It's supposed to be overflowing with rivers of living water, totally satisfying us, so that song is actually a testament of just how bad that ministry is! She sang that a lot of servants of God are pretty much living like a slave. And I'm just wondering just how many people in that ministry are in such a wounded and neglected state and nobody cares for them and at best, are just told to spend more time in the prayer room and work things out…. It's an irony how they only cared for the big picture, big causes, when those causes are causes only because individuals are suffering, yet, the ministry has no concerns, pretty much entirely indifferent, towards individual sufferings, to the point that Mike Bickle pretty much just said that only the remnant get saved anyway, as I heard him preach one day, he's completely out of touch with the truth! When you serve yourself, you won't inspire anyone, except other selfish people who are likeminded. I used to think they are inspiring because they disguised it well, but once you get to know them better, spend more time in it, then it's self evident, so that, the only cool people are the simple, innocent ones that go along with things, just because they want to serve God and be good to people, but the leaders…, I'm not sure about them. And then, they don't train the young ones up right, either, so many are selfish, too, without knowing it, nor knowing any better. I used to support Ryan Kondo $100 a month, that's a lot. When I lost my job I stopped, and that's the only time he reached out to me. He didn't care about my situation, nor offered any consolations, didn't even say he's going to pray for me, but just wondering when I'll have another job and keep donating. He even said things like "Oh hey, we should go hang out sometimes," and I'm like "Man, I'm completely wrong about this guy, I want my money back" lol :D. In the secular world we call people like that assholes, but in IHOPKC, if you work like a dog, you're a saint. Looking at his IG pictures maybe several months ago, he's looking more and more like a dominant male and his wife kinda looks overpowered, suppressed. Personally, I think if it weren't the fact that he's doing full time ministry, a man like that probably can't get a girl like her, and he's not that smart so probably won't be that successful, either, so this path helped him out quite a lot. I just feel like I've totally lost faith and confidence in that ministry and its leaders. I think it's taking advantage of innocent people's love for God and turning them into slaves, and it's highlighting and amplifying people's selfish nature and harness that power to power the ministry, and when you have these two things as the core of the ministry, things can't be good, although, God, in his infinite love and wisdom, uses whatever opportunity to love and save people, so just because people are getting saved or prayers are being answered does not automatically imply that the ministry is legit. Perhaps it's something that God wanted to address for a long time but he never cared to listen. Maybe that's why that one student died. When you are so indifferent towards the individuals, turning deaf ears to the extreme, eventually tragedy will happen, and sadly, I don't think that event made any impact at all whatsoever. If anything, it just made them more careful to not let hiccups like that distract them again. So like, whatever, it's no longer my concern. I just feel sad for the individuals that get exploited and the young people who are not being taught the right things. I am not big on blogs, though technically I can be considered as a blogger. I don’t read blogs, but based on what others said about blogs, I got a feel of what it's like. I once read a funny meme that says "Blogs, never has so much being written about so little." And I've heard things like, If God doesn't want you to say anything, don't say anything, that although everyone has an opinion, opinions don't get anything done. You know what I think the problem is? I think it's about people who have needs and just want to have those needs met. When you're a baby, I guess that's OK, like if you're riding a tricycle you're mommy encourages you and think you're the best. But as grown-ups, or adolescents, or young adults, people cut you less slacks, and rightfully so. It's no longer just enough to know how to burp on your own and be potty trained, but you must show more maturity and substance. I mean, I find it hard to believe that there are still plenty of people out there who demand others pandering tot hem and think they are special just because they know how to wipe their own butt. And then, even if they work hard to seek after their own glory, what's it to others? Even if Kobe worked to exhaustion, he's still motivated by selfishness, and people only like him because he plays good basketball, while there's nothing inspiring about him besides, and he's only likable because he's offering a service and people like what he's offering. But for someone else, maybe he gets good grades or good job, does he command respect and admiration and affection and butt kissing just because of it. To the eyes of others, he'd be just someone who has some credentials. He's not doing anything for others, not offering a service, and unless he's offering free money, then his accomplishments are completely irrelevant to other people, unless he becomes so accomplished that others may want to be accomplished like him, so they can enjoy the benefits thereof; there still won't be any real affection, admiration, and respect. And I dislike the Amazing Spiderman for the same reason I don’t find Kobe inspiring; everything felt like its derived out of self-cneteredness, that's it's all about himself, like those IHOPKC people, though they do good deeds, at the core it's about themselves. So like, blog is like, in most cases, for most people, just a mean to satisfy a need, that's why it's so uninspiring. It's like, if you're hungry, you eat, if you're horny, you go out and find laid, if you're feeling the need to express yourself, you blog, if you feel like to wee, you go take a piss, and you take a dump while you're at it, if you feel like it, too, and afterward you flush the toilet and forget all about it, none of it meant anything, nor have any significance, just trying to satisfy a need, that's all. Things that are done out of selfishness, self-centeredness, they don't carry any real significance, that's why the Bible says in 1 Cor 13, it says that you can be this and that and be awesome, but without love, it meant absolutely nothing, because everything will end, but love endures forever. So coming full circle, to motivate people with "I want a big house, lots of gold, but not here, but in heaven" and then claim that the ministry's central message is love, it's baffling. And then, to further mislead people, confusing them with the notion that doing great things and going after the big picture things is the best way to exemplify love, while 1 Cor 13 clearly began with telling us what love is not--that love is NOT "greatness", the way we commonly understand it, and pursuing after love is NOT pursuing after "greatness", while pursuing greatness by pursuing love in the context of pursuing after big picture things does not constitute love. From what I can understand, love is an attitude, and pursuing whatever it is that God wants you to pursue with those attitudes. Love gives everything context, even those things described in the beginning of the chapter, that you can do all those things, but without love, they mean nothing and they don’t' benefit me at all. Yet, if you do it with love, then suddenly they have context again, so it's not about what you do but what attitude you do it with, and, coming full circle, you can't discuss attitude without discussing heart, and when the heart is practically a taboo and almost a potty word, well…. This heart issue extends far greater and deeper than I originally thought, I didn't realize it until now, it's like that moment in "Harold and Kumar 2" when the Homeland Security guy said "Al Qaeda and North Korea working together, this is bigger than I thought." It's a joke but in this case it's real lol :D So coming back full circle, "You'll be rewarded in heaven", "the exchange rate is so good right now", so you slave away believing that, but if you have no love, if you don't do those things out of love, guess what, this chapter clearly says, it means nothing and it benefits you nothing, and it's highly unlikely that you'll be rewarded in heaven and the exchange rate is actually crap lol :D. So, wouldn't it be really awful if you do all this, thinking you'll get great riches in heaven, but end up getting crap? Well, coming full circle, he said "shock me now don't shock me later", well… So back to blogging. Boiling it all down, not just for blogging, but for all our needs and desires--make them your offering before God, otherwise, you might as well just farted and forget about it, for that's how much weight they'll ultimately carry, weather it be just a drop in the ocean of all blogs or be of Kobe or Amazing Spiderman stature--which ultimately sums up to absolutely nothing. Do the Hanah thing, who needed a child, pressured from both internal and external sources, having that whole biological clock, feminine emotional need thing going, as well as having a child bearing 2nd wife of her husband constantly taunting her. Perhaps it was by divine design, that God put her in that situation, provided those sources of pressure, so that ultimately she made that need an offering to God, and out comes Samuel, who's truly one of the most faithful servant of God in history, which begs the question, how big is your need, how direly do you desire it? Is it enough for you to make it an offering, or does it suffice you to just farted and forget it? As I write I saw a supermom walked past me, pushing a stroller, stacked with beach stuff, with more beach stuff hanging off the handle, carrying a beach chair on her back, followed by a child holding a boogie board, trailed by another child holding another boogie board. Raising children is not easy, she raises three, and still finds the time to take the kids out to play. I've so much respect and admiration for supermoms like that, I was deeply moved. Hot girls are not uncommon around here, but supermoms like that is a rare sight, and she didn't do it for herself, but for her love of family and children. I wanted to take her picture, post it on IG, #supermom lol :D. Great is her reward in heaven… I guess I'm a blogger, and I guess people like reading my stuff, though not that many people read it. But I recall when I was young, I had the need to express, too. I wrote a lot, but they all felt like crap, reading them makes me feel like crap, makes me think of what my dad said about bad writings being like the foot wrappers of those ancient foot-binding women, long and smelly. So I stopped writing and started seeking truth instead. When I write for school assignments I tried to seek the truth and make thing interesting for the readers, even when they're just TA's and teachers who have to read and may not even care, given how many papers they have to grade. And I kept asking God how to write this or that, keep asking him questions "what about this and that?" And eventually I felt like I have to write, not out of need to express but because I have something that I really care about and want to tell the world, even though nobody will probably read it. I started a blog but it felt stupid because nobody's going to even look at it so what's the point. I started a blog hoping to raise awareness about all the Bill Gothard stuff, but preaching to the rock is just too bleh for me, so I wrote on Facebook, then at least I can pretend that there will be people reading it, and that felt better. And I did that for many years, just sharing the burdens I have and things I care about. The church I had didn't have a feasible mean to serve and I had no channel of serving others. Volunteering for random things didn’t felt like my thing, not really touching the things I deeply care about, so all I had left is the FB wall, hoping that somebody would glance over it a little bit and that it'll improve their lives a tiny little bit, because, nobody's going to listen to you when you're a nobody to begin with, make some money, drive a nicer car, move into a nicer neighborhood and then maybe people will give you enough respect to have a conversation with you. It is what it is…. I felt like people need a lot of help with their marriages and relationships, need to find fulfillment in life, need to live richer lives, need to make sense of life, need to not become corporate zombies and settle for comfortable boredom and numbness, and especially need love. I felt like, if I can somehow touch up on those things, find some answers, and then point them to Jesus, maybe their souls will be saved and they can experience the love of God. I felt that people have become so glossy and superficial, that nobody's believable anymore, that the only thing believable is money in your bank while everyone else is going to try to get you to put out, and that's the reality, even for churches, and if preaching about big causes and noble things like love can help make you spread your legs a little wider, they'll gladly do it. Thus, if it means that I have to sound like a mad man, going all raw and open and being perfectly transparent just to be a little more authentic and believable, so be it. It's a very embarrassing thing for me to do, I'm a shy person. I guess maybe that's why God made me so lucky with the ladies, to help me find answers to help people and have some perks along the way (as much as heartaches). But I guess that's a wrap :P.