#I'm gonna provide context in the tags for those who want it but I also like the idea of just leaving it there | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ilikeyoshi · 2 months

Text

no ok i'm gonna.

mentions of rape and trauma, including symptoms of reliving that trauma.

"many modes of fiction and storytelling aren't expected to trigger tag."

just because it's normalized doesn't mean it's the best or even a good practice.

"printed books don't include content warnings."

no, but what printed books usually have over fanfiction is resources like "does the dog die", which i personally think isn't good enough and that it would benefit (reasonable) readers AND writers if content warnings were encouraged and more normalized (readers so they aren't unexpectedly exposed to harm (except by assholes), and writers so they aren't condemned for heavy topics (except by assholes)).

fanfiction, except maybe the huge juggernaut fics, don't have the popularity to be recorded in the same fashion. (neither do lots of lesser known books, but i think this isn't a good thing for anyone and actually makes the need to normalize trigger warnings in the actual creation MORE important, not less.)

"the content warning 'chose not to tag' means there may be triggering content. it is not the same as 'no tags apply'."

yes, that's all true and fine. for fellow people with bad trigger responses: take note of this. 'chose not to tag' means there could still be triggering content, not that there isn't or won't be triggering content. this is a good thing to know for your safety.

and the biggest issue i have with that post: "readers are responsible for protecting themselves from triggering content."

yes! of course they are. but how are they supposed to do that without trigger tags? like, this is a genuine, non-gotcha question. i want to understand what these writers think triggers are and/or what they actually expect from readers.

and like, as a general "get this out of the way": i do believe there are people who are outraged for the wrong reasons and using this (and endless other controversies) as an excuse to 'justifiably' get mad, and those people are wrong, need to step away, and are hurting the issues they claim to care about. i ALSO believe it is disingenuous to ignore an issue or complaint out of hand just because it was delivered angrily, and that it's unfair to tone police someone who's been hurt. do i wish we could all express our issues calmly and politely? yes. do i think that's realistic or even right? not really. do i think it's important to listen to the heart of the issue as best as we can anyway? very much.

the problem i have with sentiments like "protecting your mental health is your own responsibility" is WHEN they're coupled with sentiments like "it's NOT my responsibility to provide you with the tools TO protect your mental health". the idea of "just close the tab" or "just hit the back button" falsely attributes the experience of being re-exposed to trauma ("triggered") as simply upsetting or unpleasant but not debilitating. this is not what happens.

traumatic triggers are sometimes straight forward: "rape depicted in fiction triggers trauma responses." a lot of times they're less straight forward. "mentions or implications of off-screen rape trigger trauma responses." and sometimes they're completely impossible for an outsider to predict. "omelettes trigger trauma responses (about rape)."

the last example is a real one, paraphrased from an article written by a woman who was raped. she describes (again, paraphrased) that "the morning after, she couldn't/didn't want to believe it happened, so she went through motions of normalcy by making her rapist omelettes for breakfast". it isn't that eggs are traumatic in and of themselves, but that eggs trigger(!) memories and traumatic responses about the rape. it is a trigger by association.

obviously, and as i recall she says this herself in her article, there is no world in which "eggs" is a trigger tag 99% of the population uses. it is a very obscure trigger that requires context to even fully understand how it's a trigger in the first place.

this, i think, is what all survivors of trauma and/or mental illness with obscure (and even non-obscure) need to accept: we WILL be triggered throughout our lives. we cannot remove these things from existence, and it is for our own best interest to develop safe and healthy coping mechanisms to help us through trigger episodes, as well as remove ourselves from the situation as quickly as possible.

i suspect this is what these writers are trying to say too—and it's GOOD advice. it is.

however... i find it, to be perfectly frank, callous and dismissive to suggest that writers—or any kind of creators—are irrelevant in this issue when they write knowable triggering content (NOT eggs, but things like rape) and do not take incredibly simple, easy, 2-to-5 second measures to warn for that content. i fear they do not understand (or do not respect) what being triggered—really, actually triggered DOES to a person.

the symptoms of trauma triggers are vast, and no two people experience them the same way, but some common and/or significant symptoms include: flashbacks, delusions, fight or flight response, vomiting, fainting, and suicidal ideations. the effects of these symptoms can result in extreme distress, exhaustion, mental illness, physical inability to go to work/school, damaged relationships, serious injury and death.

triggers are not "upsetting". they are debilitating and even life-threatening. and in my experience, they get demonstrably worse when the person experiences them AFTER establishing trust or interest in the triggering thing; as in, after they're 3, 5, 10 chapters into a fanfic, when a trigger warning before chapter one could have hurt them incredibly less, if at all. this has happened to me.

no, it is not a writer's fault that someone is traumatized or mentally ill, and no, i wouldn't hold a writer accountable (socially or legally) if someone died after having a traumatic response to content in their fic.

but i think it is so... weird? that some writers who KNOW this about trauma and mental illness are not immediately compelled to add a few words to their tags to prevent this from happening to someone. sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, it reminds me of healthy people who weren't masking for covid, despite the fact that if they were infected and asymptomatic, they could expose the elderly or immunocompromised to infection, which could KILL that person. yeah, you didn't hurt them, their trauma did—and yeah, you didn't kill them, their infection did—but how can you ACTUALLY feel perfectly comfortable not doing the bare minimum to protect another human being? how does it not eat you up inside that people might be dead as a ripple effect of an incredibly easy task you chose not to do?

i sincerely am trying to understand it, but i don't think i can. as a person who has been traumatized in multiple ways, both well-known ways and obscure ways, i cannot IMAGINE knowing there's a way to prevent someone else from experiencing the horrors (and dangers) of reliving it and just Not Doing It. especially when it's SO easy.

i see a lot of concerns about "spoiling the story" via trigger tags, and i can't help but think... that's not really how it works? i don't think "there's a rape in this story" is a spoiler, i think it's a content warning. i think if you're prioritizing spoilers over someone's mental and physical safety, that's weird as hell.

BUT, if it's really that big of an issue for you or your story, i have an alternative, equally simple suggestion: link to a google doc that lists all trigger warnings (that you know to apply; again, i'm not asking you to know one person in the world has an "eggs" trigger, and no other reasonable person is either), and tell people "this link contains trigger warnings that may include spoilers".

i think it's, frankly, a little entitled to say you won't trigger tag your fanfic because of spoilers. i think people should have the ability to make informed decisions, in advance, about reading your story. i think they should be allowed to spoil your story for themselves for literally any reason, ESPECIALLY to protect themselves from triggering content. this IS what people do for mainstream media, this IS what "does the dog die" does. this IS an established long-standing norm in public fiction.

as i said, i fully believe there are outraged idiots out there who don't actually care about the issue and just want to get their brownie points for being mad and aggressive. i do not think it's fair or reasonable to dismiss the issue entirely because idiots are co-opting it. there are idiots on every side of every issue ever. they do not lessen the merit of an issue just because they're loud and awful; they are living straw men. we cannot stop them, including by forsaking the issue they're co-opting.

and what really bothers me about that mindset is that there are people—genuinely harmed people—who may not express the issue politely or calmly, but their experience is still important and they're still saying important things. we HAVE to accept that people, right AND wrong, are going to tell us their side of things angrily sometimes, and we have to be willing to listen to what they're saying. you close yourself off to a TON of growth and opportunity for compassion if you refuse to acknowledge or respect other people's pain because they 'expressed it wrong'.

and you're right, no one can force you to do it. i just don't understand how you possibly justify not WANTING to do it without being, at best, ignorant, and at work, just... really selfish.

#HOUGH. ough. ok it's out of my system.#this isn't a threat or anything btw but i do unfollow anyone who thinks like this.#because. y'know. i understand that by thinking like this it means none of your posts (creative or otherwise) are provably safe for me.#like i'm saying this so you don't think it's for another reason. not as a “i will NEVER shop here again” gotcha.#yoshi talks

6 notes · View notes

aewrie · 2 days

Text

i've gone so far off the rails but we're in too deep now too late to turn back

or, long ass tirade re: writing consent and lack of thereof and weird nuanced situations is go

(who died and made me the boss? no one. but ppl keep telling me i write this stuff good so presumably i'm doing something right)

first off: if you think deriving enjoyment/catharsis of any kind from fictional nonconsent scenarios is gross and wrong: you're not gonna like me, please go away

second off: i am approaching the majority of this from the angle of writing (hopefully) engaging fiction. this is personal thoughts flavoured by my preferences, not a universally applicable how-to guide and not a consent 101 for real life purposes

also, for context

'excplicit on-screen consent is awkward'

skill issue

but yes. it can be. very much so.

i'll start off with that i have put words into characters' mouths at times bc i felt the need to tell others something (even if intended audience for a given message might never stumble across it) and will do it again, But good luck trying to figure out what those instances are,

but anyhow i think that's where a big part of the problem stems from. people (writers) try to tell their audience things (educating them on consent) at the expense of their story and characterizations. and then when they try to make it sound less awkward they attempt shortcuts like a handful of specific Sexy Ways To Ask For Consent lines that i saw people lamenting about in the notes of that post, rather than, again, trying to think of how these characters might have this interaction happen and if it serves the story and its purposes

(what i mean by 'a story's purposes' is what's the goal here. is it to explore these characters. is it to make the audience feel a certain way, or to have them think about something. and bc we're talking about smut here too is the point to get off and that's it)

if i try to think back i can remember exactly one (1) pwp smut fic where a character stopping abruptly in the middle of business to ask for consent in an somewhat questionable situation was entertaining, and that's bc the other one's response was basically that ship sailed ages ago don't you fucking dare leave me hanging here

'fiction influences how people act irl'

"...and therefore all sex scenes should have on-screen consent to help model healthy communication"

to a degree, yes, fiction can influence people when information on a topic is otherwise scarce, but the solution here isn't to turn porn into sex ed, it's to provide better sex ed outside fiction. if you write explicit enthusiastic consent SOLELY because you think your average reader needs help grasping the concept, i worry. to paraphrase a post i can't be assed to dig up bc it was years and years ago: if we rely on people's chance encounters with pornography as a means to educate the masses on safe sex, we've already lost the ball. grievously.

and i need to stress that i LIKE writing explicit consent, when it makes sense, and in ways that make sense. i'm not opposed to showing what attempts at healthy communication can look like in fiction. i think there should be stories like these! i think they can be great in introducing people to new ideas and encourage learning more outside fiction. but also i think in many situations it's just better to share educational resources separately and let the stories be stories, even if the aim is to have the communication etc reflect what you'd generally want/expect irl.

one thing i like to include (when applicable) is the term edgeplay in my descriptions/tags; it's a small thing but maybe someone not familiar will see it and realize that maybe they shouldn't be diving into what my characters are doing headfirst, even if it works out in the story

i do think mainstream porn especially could use more things like brief scenes after the main meat of a film where the actors are just chilling and stuff. a little grounding moment when it's time to 'return to reality', particularly with more hardcore stuff.

but we're primarily talking smutty fanfic, a niche within a niche, and like. honestly a lot of fanfic does better on this front already, bc we tag for these things. the understanding is already there that the fic is following tropes and kinks and specific crafted scenarios regarding consent. #sex pollen is the author telling you here will be that particular kink/trope, but also that someone's decision making is influenced/impaired by some substance belonging under the sex pollen category

wait i thought a good way to highlight the key point here;

> author's wanting to include on-screen consent because they prefer that, or want to encourage people, even if on a small scale, to think more about this more, etc: awesome! go for it! i do this too!

> other people pushing an expectation that fanfic smut writers of all people are responsible for educating the masses in order to fix a society-wide problem: please get a grip

i have written a pretty wide range of situations where there was on-screen consent but i'll get more onto that later,

and then i've also written/drawn stuff where there's absolutely no whiff of anything resembling healthy discussion or concern for boundaries, and a good chunk of that has been smut. i do love pwp fic/erotic art where you can read into it what you want to read into it; eg i have a fic that *could* be read as the pov character is really into it, the consent just isn't explicit on screen OR yeah that's just straight up noncon and brainwashing, just subtle about it -- i tagged for power imbalance. readers can read and imagine further details as they like. a one shot pwp with no wider narrative attached to it lends itself particularly well for something like this.

when there is a bigger story attached, i gotta start considering more how characters interact with each other and what their relationships are like, but even then, please refer to the diegetic vs non-diegetic bdsm fic post

and of course the one part of this wank that only noncon enjoyers seem to even notice: i'm more worried about the people who write ""consensual"" sex scenes that are in fact dubcon at best, because they genuinely do not seem to realize this, than the ppl writing wildly not-appropriate-to-replicate-irl scenes with full awareness that this is the case. and often, you can tell. even if it's not spelled out in the text itself.

'consent is sexy'

i am facepalming and groaning (in frustration, just for the sake of clarity) and glaring at my screen

rl? consent isn't sexy. it's necessary. it absolutely CAN be sexy but that's not a prerequisite. in fact sometimes these discussions can be actively unsexy and THAT'S FINE (trust a cnc kinkster to be the one voice of sanity in the notes of that post and be the one to bring up this point; you, random tumblr user, are a real one) bc being sexy is not the point. the mutual agreement and knowing what you're getting into is the point

(i get this phrase is less or more something created with the purpose of basically marketing consent but still)

in fiction, it can be many fucking things. including the worst boner killer you've seen. refer back the where we started, and also the whole, when the reader's here just to get off chances are they aren't in the mood for a lowkey lecture in consent (and/or safe sex)

also!!

i wouldn't say character gasping i want you in the middle of making out is sexy bc it's explicit consent, but rather it's sexy bc they're needy. because they can't contain how much they desire the other person and are emotionally vulnerable in expressing that. and does leaning into something like that not make for a more interesting and engaging (including in the sense of being arousing) storytelling than 'yes, i, a mature adult of legal age to consent and not currently under the influence of any substances that might impede my judgement, enthusiastically consent to performing the sex with this person who is my equal in every way'?

(i am exaggerating for comedic effect but that's how reading some examples i've seen feels like at times. and if someone out there thinks that is sexy i want to study them under a microscope. fully solidified brain risk centers has me fucking weeping.)

people writing things with consent/boundary issues that aren't straight up noncon (moderately spicy opinions time)

you see here' the thing with me being comfortable acknowledging that something can be noncon AND sexy: i am also perfectly content acknowledging more grey area type situations that so many others completely miss on their crusade against the Problematic noncon (and age gaps. let's be real fandom loves to hate on age gaps even when they're a completely non-issue, and then is damn oblivious to often far more glaring potential red flags. (see hannigram. apparently some people think the ship is Bad because of the age gap and no other reason.))

coffeeshop aus being the ~fluffiest most wholesome trope~ that's actually problematic bc that's just sexually harassing a service worker who may not be able to do shit about it is just one oft used example. other such things include: teacher/student or mentor/student relationships, doctor/medic/healer + their patient relationships, gods + their followers/priests, spiritual leaders + regular people of the applicable faith, ceo/evil overlord/whathaveyou and their employees/staff/underlings, the list goes on, wrt consent these are all at the very least sketchy by irl standards even if everyone was an adult and technically consented, and i didn't even list nearly every scenario imaginable,

and oh boy i almost forgot to mention things like love potions, sex pollen, aphrodisiacs, characters in heat, etc etc

BUT in fic, if we're not all fixated on being Pure and Unproblematic, these can be fucking great and romantic and sexy. for a moment we can pretend that getting flirted on by the cute regular and writing your number on the back of a receipt to hand with their drink you have memorized bc that person always orders the same thing is the pinnacle of romance. we can imagine that a follower in their blind devotion isn't a prime target for exploitation but rather their god's favourite pet who gets special treatment. you get the idea.

just, don't whine about problematic fic if you can't face the iffy parts in your own favourite romance/sex fantasies?? we're all freaks here and slapping a BUT my characters EXPLICITLY STATE that they consent on yours doesn't change that my dubcon pwp and your coffee shop au both inherently have a certain disregard of boundaries built in. it's a feature. it makes the story better at what it is supposed to be. that is: a fantasy. trying to shoehorn in standardized explicit on-screen consent can get weird beyond a superficial level of wholesome, unless you're willing to acknowledge the fact that this is actually at least a little Problematic. you don't have to spell it out in the fic, but. at least think about it, if depicting only the most wholesome consensual educational intimate encounters is so very important??

back onto depicting attempts at healthy communication/consent for a bit

the thing is, care and communication and respecting boundaries and trusting each other and all that can just as much be a fantasy explored in a story(!)

and i say 'attempts at healthy communication' rather than 'healthy communication' for a reason. even when i try to go for something grounded in how these things can look like in reality, characterization and narrative comes first. i've cut banger lines bc they felt too much like we're trying to do therapy and i'll damn well do it again. same with consent. i'm here to tell a story. even when it's grounded in realism. i'm not First And Foremost trying to model a healthy relationship even if my story has an element of hey, practising good consent *can* look something like this. characters can and should stumble and make mistakes and have conflicts that don't have perfect solutions, and that applies here too. we apply suspension of disbelief everywhere else in fiction. this is no different.

!! and, in insisting on reading this kind of fictional intimacy as Educational, people are going to miss more subtle ways in which the scenario may not be ideal. i shouldn't have to explain why that's Not Good

you can have fun with this actually And make it another tool of characterization etc

and on-screen consent doesn't have to look the same for every scenario and character. in fact it shouldn't. bc if it does, now you've probably stumbled into the pitfall of writing consent 101, possibly with an attempt at making it more sexy, rather than story.

like, just some ideas off of the top of my head that aren't 'yes, i consent':

normally abrasive character who needs to be in control at all times becomes more subdued and allows another to get intimate. just maybe a reserved 'you can', and them not fighting like they usually do with everything just out of habit

characters who cannot keep their hands off of each other because they're just desperately wanting to get as close and intimate as possible. no time for words. no chance for words because between kisses they're too out of breath anyway. (how is there any argument about this sort of scenario leaving consent 'vague'??)

normally reserved & quiet character making a subtle first move that, when coming from them, is Big

character is too excited and aroused and struggles to make the words go but their actions very much scream Want, while the other is going on about how sexy they are

honestly, nala giving simba the bedroom eyes in tlk style situation is a good one if you're just fading to black

'i want you', 'i need you', 'let me have you'

actually i'm providing some examples by yours truly;

my longfic is just. there's two sex scenes. one character is very experienced and the other is aroace and has not had an intimate relationship of any kind prior to this. i put emphasis on the curiosity and uncertainty and the more experienced character wanting to be sure that everything's fine, because he cares about that. for how i wrote these characters and this relationship, this approach made sense. i have lines like:

"You would give me this experience with you, then?" "Is this alright?" "I know my boundaries. That includes knowing which ones I am willing to bend." "Go slow at first and it's all good." "Tell me how it feels?"

I wouldn't necessarily label ^this scene smut in a conventional sense tbh. it's more the characters trying to figure things out and being a bit awkward about it at points.

and then i have this example later on of how a lack of clear 'yes' can be more fun:

If they think they are going to get a coherent answer out of him, they are wrong. The sight between his legs demands his attention, and he knows nothing sensible would come out of his mouth now, if he tried. The best he manages to give is a whine that maybe was supposed to be a 'please', but who knows. He certainly doesn't.

from a different story with same characters, we have

"You are so responsive to simple touch, my friend." Simple, he says. Distracting. That it is.

closely followed by

"If I should stop, will you tell me?" They look up. Tell him? They don't bother, often, with trying; so many don't pay attention. Most keep a distance anyway. But some, they don't care if they push away or try to leave, unless they want to go away themselves; don't care that they hold a weapon until they use it, they know how to use it, it is not an idle threat. Easier to fight or run away, depending. Not to bother, when others deny their mind, their decisions. But he wants to know? "Three taps. Or something else, but still thrice. Somewhere I can feel it. I will know, then." So simple. They can do that. "Will you?" He wants to know. Nod; yes. They will.

in which we establish a safeword without calling it a safeword! to have a clear way of communicating no/stop when these two aren't that familiar with one another and the pov character is nonverbal. again, bc it made sense for my characterizations. frankly(!) leading up to this there's little things that are less good consent, like pov character feeling they have to decide on the spot if they engage or not when they realistically would have liked more time to think (and did not expect further checking ins along the line bc Unfamiliar Territory) but for the oneshot fic it works, bc it gets things moving along at a decent pace.

also good spot to go on a tangent about how perhaps im just too aroace for all this nonsense bc I KNOW the gag is that oh you're reading this very filthy smut? we all know what you're here for ;) ;) and i'm legitimately like. good character writing?? yes?? with tasty word building on the side as a bonus maybe?? i Do Not look at sexual content as inherently or even primarily as something that exists for the sake of sexual gratification, it's just another thing you can include in a story. if it's sexy for others and all that awesome, if not, that's a you problem lol.

then less plotty more smutty ones;

The King parts his legs, then, just enough to allow access.

^depending how you kinky you'd like something like that, it could be an invitation or a command. depends on the surrounding context

He listens to the raspy breaths above him; they do not betray much, but he knows the subtle differences in the pattern, knows when he is getting close. / They would expect him to do something. They delight in the spontaneity, -- / -- watching how their hands twitch, listening to their little sounds. How he adores those sounds.

a selection of small things implying these characters are familiar with each other. and, that there's not so much of a point in confirming consent for everything every time. you can have it in there without spelling it out if you want, and especially with established relationships, that just makes sense, unless it's a Thing for them to go over the details each time. in which case: why. explain the logic and convince me (is it a kink for them? you could make it a kink thing if you want to play up the sexiness, but do realize that's going to be a niche thing.)

ooc is ooc. how would your character show or not show that they want to get nasty?

sidenote for kink etc: if your story isn't set in present-day real world or something close enough, you can implement a system that the readers will understand is a safeword, even if you don't call it that. is there something unique to your setting/characters that they might use instead, that might even make more sense in-universe? ALSO, in scifi/fantasy settings particularly you can possibly take stuff MUCH further than would be plausible or possible irl. don't be restricted to real world rules for kink, and with that, consider how this might impact stuff like negotiation. eg, 'anything that doesn't leave a permanent mark goes' carries a whole lot of different meanings when you have access to magic healing that leaves your skin looking perfectly unharmed. (this is for if your characters are aware that they are doing kink; if your characters aren't aware of this, proceed accordingly)

fixating on a verbal 'yes' like it's some kind of magic word just shows a fundamental misunderstanding of what consent even is

[cw for talk about sexual abuse etc from here out]

(if you're not familiar, please look up the fries model of consent. it's not a be all end all, but a solid starting point, particularly for vanilla scenarios.)

you can have a character go through the motions of consenting without it meaning jack shit due to the circumstances that lead them there. this partially ties to the whole people writing noncon without realizing. bc fiction generally involves conflicts of some kind, the things that drive your story forward can at the same time be what makes consent between your ship-to-be iffy, even if we all know that it's actually fine and no one's really being hurt (again, we apply suspension of disbelief etc), or just not good consent by any stretch of imagination.

is my neglected and emotionally abused ~late teens oc meaningfully consenting to sex when she's being pressured to 'earn her keep' by her caretakers and then getting pimped by her boyfriend who manipulates her? she says she's consenting. must be fine, then. right? right? (hint: No.)

another oc initiated what was at first a consensual encounter, voiced discomfort when things started going sideways, and when things Really went to shit, started fawning (among other things). is a yes, go ahead, i like that good consent here, or later in different situations, when this trauma rears its head and they're fawning again? (hint: No.)

and don't get me started on the 'verbal' part of a verbal 'yes' bc apparently some people out there genuinely insist that that's the only thing that matters- like YES, irl, if someone's body is responding to stimulus but they're saying no, that verbal no is what you pay attention to. but communication is so much more than plain spoken words. ffs.

writing lack of consent (spicy opinions incoming)

disclaimer addendum: if you're writing based on personal experiences, do whatever makes you comfortable. and i mean whatever. hell, even if it's not personal experiences or you're not sure, still that applies. i sure as fuck know it isn't so simple knowing if your experiences 'count' sometimes. again, personal thoughts/preferences re: fiction. not an edict to follow.

so, with fictional sexual abuse/nonconsent, i find a common point of struggle with this is a) person is writing noncon smut and they try too hard to make it Sexy, b) person is writing a story focusing on trauma and they try too hard to Be Sensitive

like honestly the best ones i've read, regardless of what the purpose of the story was, are the ones where the author approached it like just another topic to write about. go into detail when it serves the story you're telling. be vague when it serves the story you're telling. let the characters react in a way that makes sense rather than in a way that tells the reader how sexy and/or terrible this situation is. even if you're keeping things off screen, show what's going on in the character(s) heads.

for smut, trying too hard to make it sexy can come off as awkward and at times comical. and i'll wager, not in a way that's intended. not a noncon exclusive phenomenon, but perhaps more obvious here with the tone issues that come from that.

trying too hard to be sensitive is. it can come off as condescending? i don't want to chew up anyone for being uncomfortable, but i do take issue when people act like their way of dealing with their trauma is the Only Correct One (please shut up) and anyone who disagrees is Not A Real Survivor (please shut up), and especially if anyone more removed tries to dictate how to supposebly be respectful as if trauma worked the same for everyone

...have you ever watched a crime drama featuring sexual abuse and the general vibe that the whole situation has is just this oh you poor pitiable thing :( wrapped in a package of copaganda dressed as revenge fantasy. and it isn't even that the victim wants revenge, or anything really, for that matter, they're just kinda there to look vaguely sad. it's all just a side note to the getting the fix of Justified Corporeal Punishment

adjacent to that, is what comes with the territory of writing a sensitive topic with care: people beating around the bush and using vague euphemisms instead of describing ANYTHING. i'm not saying every single instance of depicting sexual abuse has to be graphic, but when it comes across like this is something so terrible and gross that you can't even mention it, are you being sensitive, or are you being avoidant? not every story that features sexual abuse in some capacity focuses on that, but with the ones that DO, worth considering why something is being left offscreen/underscribed.

(like i can straight up say when i've been Avoidant it was bc *i* was not in the spot to be dealing with that particular scenario in depth OR bc i was pre-emptively wanting to appease hypothetical others. for daring to include something a touch more personally vulnerable in art/fiction. neither was exactly the best mental place to be creating something planned to publicly share from.)

uh oh it's complicated

idk if i'll make any sense but i'll try to words

a somewhat tame example: unexpected kiss that gets handsy. we could have rough division of scenarios as such

1) character didn't consent to this, but actually wanted it so it's fine, 2) character didn't consent to this, and aggressively makes it clear, 3) character didn't consent to this, and it's complicated

scenario 1, when done well, is the surprise affection is sexy situation. characters know exactly what the other wants. there's a fantasy in that, of not having to voice your desires to have them realized, and whatnot.

with scenario 2, when do things pause to give it some weight? character in the receiving end shoves the other away and yells at them, or someone else does it for them, and then the whole matter gets brushed off after maybe a quick are you ok, feels like the usual way it goes. from a storytelling perspective, even a brief moment to show discomfort would make that land far better, if the point is to show that this is creepy and unwelcome?

and 3 is. what if it is unwanted, but the response doesn't scream get off of me. what if the character has complicated reactions, for a possibly wide variety of reasons. where things get messy. this compels me. but it's very different from both the prior ways to go about the same scenario and easily the most complicated, because we don't get that immediate simple dramatic 'resolution' either way, if you do this properly.

i love good dubcon/soft noncon/technically consensual/things of that nature. and i will argue that you can't really do those well if you don't have a decent understanding of consent. you can't properly navigate the nuance and grey areas and technicalities and it isn't consensual, but it's complicated or consensual but not safe or sane for a compelling, believable story if you don't have a solid grasp of how these things work

depicting sexual trauma without showing anything or even directly naming it

a while there was a post about how if you can't bring yourself to use words like 'kill', instead opting for euphemisms like 'unalive', then you probably aren't mature enough to write about death with any grace, and shared there was the sentiment that this applies to sexual abuse as well. absolutely valid point but also i had happened to finish a fic relevant to that discussion recently and Now i'm getting out that particular yes but there's also this other angle to consider

which is: does it make sense for the characters to describe things using a given phrasing?

my character who's just been slapped in the face with a significant trauma and is struggling not to dissociate probably isn't going to talk about it the same way as someone who's had time to process and heal and just had an epiphany in therapy. probably.

but i'm getting sidetracked from getting sidetracked so onto the next point (for now?)

if you're not allowed to write it badly, are you actually allowed to write it?

do your research and approach these topics with care and all that, yes, but also, are we demanding that people potentially writing about their own trauma and lived experiences are masters of their craft? does a vent fic or an autobiographical work have to stand up to scrutiny of representing sexual abuse 'respectfully'??

like, a bunch of people have pointed out how demanding people publicly disclose their trauma to be judged by complete strangers in order to determine if they're allowed to write something is all sorts of shitty, but hey, here's a thought adjacent to that i don't think i've seen anyone bring up. because seriously. if someone's screaming that they're hurting why the fuck should the primary concern be but are your creative skills up to par??

(i'll be blunt again and say this is in part why i've been extremely hesitant up until recently to include these sorts of things in my stories in much detail, but far more so, i'm thinking about all the fucking awful treatment i've seen others receive for talking about/depicting fictionalized retellings of their traumas ""incorrectly"".)

i'll admit it: my first attempts at depicting sexual trauma even as a sidenote to another story just plain sucked. there was an attempt but it was no good. in part i was young and less aware of everything, in part i was poorly mimicking existing examples that were generally meh

i'll also admit that what was genuinely most helpful at getting better was reading graphic noncon smut/angst. the well written stuff. because those fics aren't afraid to go into detail; rather, they enthusiastically dive into all the little and not so little things that make it more worse. they present the whole thing without dressing it to be palatable, and the jump from side note to copaganda to brutally honest survivor story was- i think the first really graphic one was the first time i could sympathize with the character and root for them in their journey to overcome the trauma. as opposed to almost voyeuristically (ironically enough) observe from a distance and then forget about it when the rest of the plot moved forward and forgot about it too.

and then one more thing relating to that that's been rattling around in the back of my mind for probably years now: there's one fic from years ago in particular that i think of when i consider the topic of fanfic depicting rape inappropriately. because that fic is not so different from noncon kink works i at times see from the type people arguably disrespected in said fic, just more novice in execution. it also makes me think of how i handled various areas of this whole consent/communication/boundaries jumble in my earliest attempts vs now. which is just one of those reasons i'm reluctant to judge intentions in these situations, at least outside mainstream entertainment where standards/expectations should be completely different.

in conclusion

this has been an i was exhausted and the filter was off ramble that got too damn long

have good day/night/whatever

#yourebabblingjulle #this got over 5k words btw it's Long

5 notes · View notes

secondsonaym · 1 year

Text

Okay, so I've had a bit of time to think on it (not that it bothered me that much, but I did want to try and clarify some things), and a sort of 'follow up' to this post in particular.

A little rambly, so under the cut.

Note that this isn't to talk about that specific anon or the specific issue involved in it, it's just a jumping off point, more or less.

I think people do need a bit of a reminder about 'parasociality' and the boundaries that tend to get ignored/eroded because of it.

To get right to the meat of the issue:

I'm ace. I have a complicated relationship with sex and sexual content. I feel bad when I have to bring up these parts of my identity when explaining these things, but I provide them to sort of give you a better perspective as to why some stuff may not be good to say to me. Why I take them a bit personally.

The long and short of it is, I'm really only comfortable with jokes and the like when either I am the one to publicly initiate, or it's happening between my own friends, in a comfortable environment.

It's why I tend to not let some stuff I tag with 'suggestive' to be reblogged, because that's just not what I want to be spread around and get people making the wrong assumptions about me.

Obviously there's nuance and yadda yadda sometimes exceptions, etc. But this is where I stand, and will not budge, because of a history of people continuously being entitled to the point they think they can disregard my requests to respect this.

So, tying this into the whole 'parasocial' aspect.

Yeah, I'm very casual and chatty, I like to be friendly to you all and I enjoy seeing your commentary and stuff, even if I don't always respond--Honestly wish there was a way to 'like' replies like on twitter, cause I usually use it as an indicator of 'I've seen this and it made me smile :>'

But. And this a big but. That is not an open invitation for you to jump straight to telling me things like "I put your OC in a smash or pass discord channel" or things of a similar nature. That's a bit too much of a boundary break.

Like, removing the context, how weird does it sound for you to tell somebody (who doesn't know who you are) that you put their character in a channel where people rate their desire to 'smash' or 'pass'? It definitely sounds weird to me, and I sure as hell wouldn't say it to somebody I barely even know.

I'm a bit skittish to begin with, so it's definitely not easy for me to loosen up and be comfortable interacting with new people, but stuff like this makes me withdraw back into my shell, so to speak.

I don't mind starting up convos, and if it seems like I'm actively engaging in the dialogue, then you have nothing to worry about, but this also isn't an invitation for Every Single Person to hit me up.

On the internet where those boundaries aren't as visibly noticeable--I can't give you body language to show my mood, for instance--It's very easy to not see that stuff, but I really think people need to take a few moments to consider if they're assuming too much about their relationship with somebody before saying something.

I've heard horror stories about even worse shit happening in the fandom, and it makes me glad y'all are so respectful as it is, which is why I'm not getting boiling mad or anything over this stuff, cause I'm sure you'll listen and understand.

And as far as that specific scenario linked goes: I don't care what y'all discuss about my OCs or my stuff between friends/in private spaces and all that. Out of sight, out of mind. You don't need to tell me, and I'm not gonna Thought Crime you.

The issue I'm taking is with the assumption of things, to the point I do need to go on these several-paragraph rambles, when stuff like that I feel should be basic etiquette.

I love y'all and I am happy people enjoy my things, but please let me stress that as far as interaction with y'all goes, I'm really not that much different from a streamer or something. I'm just a person doing a thing, and people like that thing.

Sorry this got a little long-winded, but I hope I at least made my point, and I'll stress again I'm not mad or anything. It's just been on my mind, so I might as well talk about it.

20 notes · View notes

toddisawarlock · 1 year

Text

Saw a really bad take about The Last of Us that I'm not gonna link but I'm gonna rant here because sometimes I get really frustrated so buckle in folks I gotta rant.

The take was basically that The Last of Us, episode 3, "Long, Long Time" reinforced an ableist trope about the noble sacrifice of a disabled person through assisted suicide and does harm because of the state of this as a topic across various health care systems. Also please consider this a content warning if my tags didn't cover this for you.

This upset me for a few reasons. It fundamentally ignores the context of the fictional world, the context of the queer relationship, and conflates the real life problems with medically assisted suicide and the failings of support for disabled people with a fictional world.

I'm just gonna start but first, there is no health care here. Yet somehow, Frank and Bill are clearly trading resources for medicine to help Frank get by. To help him manage with this condition. This is not some failure of care within the context of the world.

Frank chooses, after living with this for many years, to make a choice. The point of this is that his condition would kill him but well before it would happen it would be further disabling. He made an active choice within his world. He was not encouraged to do this by anyone.

His choice is not necessarily seen as some noble way to ask Bill to continue on. He is asking because he's tired. And he wants to have a really beautiful day and for this to be over. Which is the point of assisted suicide. And as someone who personally has had to administer morphine to their mother while she died of cancer, it's asking for dignity before getting there. There is an OCEAN between this and the abuses of systems like Canada's MAiD program that is actively encouraging the assisted suicide of disabled people it is failing to support.

Dignity and choice in death is not the same thing.

I'm also noting that this really ignores that these queer people are a symbol. A piece of media doesn't have to be morally perfect to achieve incredible metaphor. In this story, I saw all the hard work that went into a still painful, difficult life, for two queer people who had a chance to love each other.

This didn't glamorize assisted suicide for disabled people. It was a metaphor about the choice to keep going against the odds of your circumstances and how all parts of that are acts of bravery and conviction and deserve support.

And sometimes, with all of those choices, you might inspire one other person to keep going. You might provide them with a single piece of something that helps them keep going when shit is impossible.

#the last of us #the last of us hbo #the last of us spoilers #cw suicide

13 notes · View notes

ihatebnha · 2 years

Note

Me again, “wym we aren’t just here to be nice to each other” ME THOUGH!!! Like I get that other people have different kinks and I’m genuinely not here to shame in any way I promise, but I just can’t see the appeal in being mean or hurtful to a partner in any way, whether it’s physically, emotionally, or both, or a partner acting in such a way towards me. Like, it makes me feel bad just thinking about it, so of course I want them to be nice to me in a “traditional” sense :(

And I agree that when your whole job is fighting people, it makes sense that lots of characters in this universe wouldn’t want to bring that home! I never thought about that before but it makes so much sense! And I think some characters also have specific traumas that would make them averse to heavier stuff (though I know arguments have also been made to the contrary of that lol).

Again, I hope this doesn’t sound kinkshamey, I promise it’s not meant to be! I just wish there was more content that didn’t focus on heavy stuff and was more tame and vanilla sometimes lmao

sjdfkasdjk gonna try to not stress and keep this brief bc i actually spent a long time talking about some of these exact issues when the whole conversation of degradation came up a couple weeks ago... but also i am mad bc i don't think i properly tagged all my responses so now i can't find them to refer to u...

BUT CHECK MY SX TALK TAG BC ME AND SOME OTHERS WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT THIS!!!

i really honestly don't even think it's an issue with like... kink shaming specifically (though u never now) but rather like... how soooo many people do not provide enough context when they write kinks to really... make them palatable to people outside of those specifically interested.

and it's. this whole dangerous thing (see: HERE)... but also it's really funny (in an annoying way) bc at the same time, it's been extremely popularized to the point of now, not being able to find ANYTHING vanilla anywhere.

so not all the time but a lot of it... either u get this weird, super shitty hard smut... or pretty much nothing else LOOOOL.

but that's just to say that I AGREE WITH U and also... don't think u should feel bad because it's NOT shaming others for their interests, it's recognizing the the faults of what's currently being put out. honestly, i'd say i'm even of the opinion that people who ARE into rough stuff are probably being disappointed by whats being put out rn too lmfaooooo skiddly bee boop da DAY!

anyway... LOL i was gonna talk more about hero work affecting this/trauma (WHICH SOOO TRUE BESTIE) but i have totally lost my train of thought and have probably kept you here long enough adsfkjajd...

but your honesty is both appreciated and recognized and i crave more vanilla stuff TOO! bye.

#lmfaooo sorry got a little weird right there at the end idk what happened #but yes to all of this even if i think it's a bunch of separate issues combined #like i also think theres less vanilla bc theres less writers in general right now too you know???#and after a certain point vanilla can be complex to do correctly #vs smacking a bunch of dirty talk on the page for notes #but anywayyyy #im going insane i think #sorry LMFAO i hope this all makes sense #im scared #ask #anon #caitie chats #sx talk

4 notes · View notes

fandomwave · 2 months

Text

Hey tumblr user @jesibeii, I couldn't heeeeelp but notice we miiiight have gotten off on the wrong foot concerning fandom and interaction and I just, you know, I was turning over what you said in my head for a while and I realized I wanted to come over and offer some brownies

I realized that I was being what the kids call "An Asshole" in my tags but I also wanted to at least provide some context on the matter, since you know when the poll came onto lawn I wasn't really in the frame of mind to give an entire dissertation on interactivity and contribution on the silly and cursed land that is fandom TM.

Sooo if you'll allow me, and honestly if you don't that's fine too, you can take the brownies and run. I just wanted to earnestly and kindly reach across the isle and examine some concepts.

Just know that in the end of this entire pop up ted talk I'm juggling in my arms with the plate of brownies, that I agree with you:

Fandom has no room for cops. You get to enjoy and do whatever the fuck you want in it. I did not, and do not ever want that to change. Even if the landscape becomes something I don't recognize.

This is gonna get uh, long in the tooth, so I'm just gonna imagine you have one of those lovely porch swings with some bright yellow pillows.

OK LETS GO:

Comfy? Good good ok cool so I'm gonna use your fandom as a springboard because WHOO BOY did BNHA used to be my Jam for a while!

My favorite character is Shinso by the way! I was up to the Chisaki arc in the anime but eventually dropped off, and I was up to chapter uuuh, 350-ish in the manga??? It gets a little blurry from my memory and I'll admit I got a little Tired towards the end before I dropped off there too.

So I think we're on the same page when it comes to passive interaction when it comes to fan-made art! You don't have to have even a remote understanding of the original context to want to enjoy the transformative works that people make

Anyways I wanted to at least start off saying that I do agree in that you don't have to Go Here to enjoy the things fandom creates.

I myself had a laughable amount of Omori fanart before I ever realized there was a game.

And I think I would have been pretty irritated if someone told me that I couldn't look at it or enjoy it for it's composition or color use or emotional resonance because I hadn't sat down to play the game.

You're right, I would be irked as fuck if I went to a public library to read The Chronicles of Narnia and someone griped at me the whole time that I wasn't reading the Bibble

Here's where I get a little confused, and again, PLEASE keep in mind, it is a silly place here, fandom, and my confusion is not condemnation.

Lets say, again using BNHA as the core example here, that I found a fic for Denki/Deku. The person who wrote it made Denki into this really complex and nuanced character. In the fic they mentioned that him and his father had a falling out, mostly because his father was worried that with a kid like him, and his poor grades, he would never be able to cut it at UA.

Deku and him bond over the fact that both of their parents worry for the right reasons about their attendance at UA, and there's even a bit of a grit between the two of them because Denki can't match up to Deku's raw talent, even if he keeps hurting himself over and over for the lack of control, that he wants to prove he can be just as useful, and they have to learn how to navigate that together. Maybe Denki comes to defend Deku more when his quirk hurts him and understands where that comes from given the fact his own causes his brain to short after he pushes himself too hard.

Man there's an ENTIRE chapter dedicated to Denki showing off his lightning points and how he can throw his electricity even further, and Deku gets inspired by the concept, maybe altering his costume altogether to help launch rebar polls to launch off of to move faster in combat!

And I'm enthralled by this, I think that Denki is the best character and I'm so thrilled to get to know this character in canon!

Only to find out he has like, maybe 2 major arcs and is kind of just a gag character.

Or, another example, because lets be real, a large portion of folk characterize Bakugo as nothing more than a mindless abuser. If I only read the most popular fic, I might come to hate this dude.

People mischaracterize Deku all the time as uwu wubby soft boy, and I might be really turned away and think the whole series really IS a waste of time if these characters are as dumb as they are..

To me anyways, fandom is an extrapolation of the source. Without the source, there is no fandom.

And because it's an extrapolation, it's like a photocopy. Every photocopy has some loss from the original. Artistic Telephone if you will. All fandom art that is made and shared is usually transformative in some way from the original which is fantastic!

I think that's why fandom is as weird and silly and stupid as it is, it by it's very nature really can't be taken seriously because it's all just interpretation and speculation and extrapolation on something none of us even own.

I ADORE the idea of someone giving Denki a full fucking realized character in comparison to the original, and hell if I like the work well enough I might magpie some ideas and add it to my own works!

So there is where my example, inflammatory as it was, comes in:

Since fanart and fanfic is an extrapolation of root work, how would someone know if the characterization of someone, or something, be accurate if they've never engaged with the original.

If someone reads a fic (the first extrapolation) where Bakugo is a huge asshole.

Then writes their own fic (the second extrapolation) where Bakugo is a whole new level of monster..

But doesn't know that Bakugo is more.. of an emotionally constipated edge lord..

I think that's where my disconnect and confusion comes from is the idea of loving a work and not having any sort of compass for the 'They Would Not Fucking Say That' radar.

I'm listening to someone's dissertation only to learn in the end that they've never studied the topic.

And I mean, lets be real here, if someone wrote a whole academic essay and I couldn't tell OP never cracked open the source material than like, GOOD ON THEM for logical assumptions and characterization! Insane work that they could interoperate flawlessly from someone else's interpretation.

And to this end, as with all things, someone could name Denki's fucking bloodtype from memory, know the manga by heart and which studio animated specific scenes from the anime, and still turn him into the worst reduction of his tropes in their works. Don't get me wrong knowing the source material doesn't automatically make you a better creator than those who don't

I think the only thing it DOES do is make you a more informed one.

Maybe this also comes from me being uh, how you say, ancient. When women in fic were reduced down to their worst elements. Usually there to be homophobic to whatever slash ship was popular at the time, or just generally horrible. Like imagine if someone did Uraraka dirty in a fic and without any context, any root to check the notes against, you just thought she was Like That.

Not to say they aren't even now. Trust me I have Seen Some Shiiit. But it used to be the default, and canon was a good way to check is that was accurate or not (spoilers it usually wasn't)

So why this big annoying essay? I dunno man, fandom is weird and silly and shouldn't be taken seriously but I also think it's fun to understand people and also get further context in the ways we see things. I wanted to explain myself in a way that wasn't some one liner reddit quip, and I genuinely DID feel really bad making you feel something intense enough to leave the tags, and in all honestly they weren't even that mean aha. If this weird little subculture is gonna survive the corporatization of it's space, the old guard and new guard and everyone in between should help to understand one another as best we can :3

In the end, you're still right.

I should be on my own lawn right now, being unbothered and minding my own business. I hope you don't feel like you're being put on the defense or that I'm trying to be antagonistic here.

This is, an actually earnest means to come across the fence and at least kinda chat about perspectives, how I think active fandom engagement can be skewed without core context, and how passive fandom engagement doesn't require an SAT test on core context. And how yeah, at the end of the day it doesn't matter because fandom is a silly place.

It's just silly. No one should be taking it seriously. If I read a fic from someone who took the worst read on a character they've never engaged with on it's source, but it brought them the most amount of joy in the world to write it, who am I to stop them or to care.

I can find it as confusing as I want, it doesn't matter.

Oh shit I think your sprinklers are coming on, yeah, oh fuck all the flowcharts I brought are just.. getting drenched. You know you can keep the plate btw, I don't really wanna wash it.

Ok I gotta grab these papers before they melt all over lawn

BTW Idk if you drew it or not but ur icon is very cute!

OK BYE

#Hi this is not a hostile post I swear to you I just dont know when to shut up and leave well enough alone I am SO sorry #edited to change Denji to Denki because i am a soft braind idiot

1 note · View note

oloreaa · 3 years

Text

fic writer review

Tagged by: @justrunamok love ya baby❤

Tagging: @corvueros @reluctant-mandalore @moskaisley @pettyprocrastination @mitchi-c @obirain @mandolovian @marvel-and-mischief

1. how many works do you have on tumblr?

I think including each chapter of Vencuyanir it'll be around 50 something? Too many to keep track of and some I deleted again💀

2. what are your top five fics by notes?

Pick up lines, Cherry, Cold Fingers, Daisy Chains, Body Warmth

3. what's your total tumblr word count?

I don't wanna know😭😭 over 270k including Ven

4. do you respond to comments, and why or why not?

I used to!! But I didn't post much anymore and I regularly lost followers because of comment reblogs so I stopped reblogging it after a while. I do my best to respond to comments on ao3 and let the readers know that I've seen their comments! It's also because I'm very forgetful and think that I already replied that it happens that I don't respond for weeks dgsjskdkff

5. what's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I think Cherry? But Ven is gonna have a happy ending as well🥰

6. what's the fic you've written with the saddest ending?

Daisy Chains, no lie haha, I intended to write a follow up happy ending for it but inspiration left me, so have a sad end for once

7. do you write crossovers?

Not yet (?) but I really love to read them, especially when mashing up different universes. Maybe it's just my current interest now but I think having Mandos in the The Last of Us universe might be rad as hell since the armour and the jetpacks would help with fighting the Infected or the cordyceps fungus spreading over the galaxy far far away hehe

8. have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yeah, and it stings still whenever I scroll past it

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

I currently don't publish them!! Most of them are Ven and it's very soft and filthy🥰

10. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of it, there were similar concepts every now and then but that's common enough and I don't mind these

11. have you ever had a fic translated?

Someone translated Daisy Chains into Spanish! It's on Wattpad somewhere and I'm super honoured by it!

12. what's your all-time favourite ship?

Din Djarin and a well deserved nap. Otherwise Gu Xiang and Cao Weining from Word of Honor because they made me physically sob and cry for hours and that had not happened in all my times of fandom

13. what's a wip you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

The one Pirates of the Caribbean fic that I started years ago and the concept still slaps, some of the ideas were actually good enough for Disney aka I recognised some bits of storytelling and plot setup in the final movie that had also been used for the fic; but it was not the same haha just some very similar concepts

14. what are your writing strengths?

I like to think that it's in the relationship between the characters and bantering dialogue!! My style is more simple and not as poetic so I try to see it as a kind of screenplay that just meanders around with no big symbolism etc, it's just little moments stacked on top of each other

15. what are you writing weaknesses?

Transition between scenes and an inability to get certain things onto paper even though I know how it should look like😭 also since I'm writing on the spot most of the times many things happen without my input and it becomes a scrambled mess that is very hard to navigate

16. what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

It really depends on how the translations are provided. If you use italics to indicate another language or pepper in single words that have been translated in the beginning (aka the reader would know the context and how it should be used), that would be fine with me. If there is just long phrases inserted there with no translation whatsoever, I dislike it. Of course it's cool for those who do speak the language to recognise some of the points, but a lot of nuance gets lost if you simply put it in a way the majority would not understand. Providing authenticity is a good thing, especially when the fic is set in another country, for example, but I think it should still be accessible for the majority of the readers (who speak English, most of the time)

17. what was the first fandom you wrote for?

It was actually Lord of the Rings haha and the story was extremely bad💀

18. what's your favourite fic you've written?

Vencuyanir!! It's my baby and I'm so proud of how far I've come even when it's a bit wonky and cliche at times, but that's how I know how to improve. I really love the characters and the pace and knowing that I can take my time with the slow burn and make it realistic🥺

#thank u for tagging me!!#also if you wanna do this as well just go ahead dhdhdjd #ask games #rea rambles

4 notes · View notes

zevzevarainai · 4 years

Note

Hey! You ever end up doing essay on the kazumaji gifs? (I'm highly interested because it's always majima o' clock where I live)

it’s always majima o’clock here too; maybe we live in the same area... but lmao i didnt write the essay on my kazumaji gifs because i didnt think anyone would want to hear it so i meant it more as a per request kind of deal. and you’re requesting. I want you to know you did this to yourself, my friend

below the read more for everyone’s well being. welcome to my first official majima analysis essay

ok so in those tags i said something like majima is softest with kiryu because it is absolutely the truth (unless you count makoto, which i love them too, but majima has moved on or at least is making an effort to. and that was pre-tacky snake skin jacket and pre-mad dog persona.)

the prompt for the gifset was “maybe something about majima being stupid and unhinged but like, in a sweet way” and the whole point of this rambling is that kiryu is really the only one we see who causes the mad-dog persona to slip. kiryu says he can never get a read on majima but just because he is unpredictable doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand that he isn’t just batshit crazy. he trusts majima, and finds comfort in his lack of predictability, keeping kiryu’s life exciting and providing distraction from the insane amount of tragic shit that happens to kiryu. and majima has a similar experience of idolizing the yakuza lifestyle as teens/young adults only to have the yakuza drag them through hell. But this is supposed to be about Majima.

ANYWAY what GETS ME is again that mad-dog vibe slipping around kiryu. the only time we really only see it again is with Saejima when he comes back from jail. i’m gonna talk about that later too. LET’s GET TO THE GIFS i’m going in chronological order not the order i put them in

Ok so as an audience, we don’t really know what happened between Kiryu and Majima between Yakuza Zero and Yakuza/Yakuza Kiwami. Yes, we get that tiny ending scene of Majima going KIRYU-CHAN for the first time and Kiryu smiling at him. But we are given nothing as to how they met or why Majima started calling him Kiryu-chan. It is left completely to the audience’s interpretation. Because then it goes straight to the first scene with Majima in Yakuza/Yakuza Kiwami after Kiryu gets out of jail. It implies that they already knew each other, and arguably that they were somewhat close -- close enough for Majima to “miss him.” (What was majima doing for those 10 years, i don’t know, but he clearly wasn’t in a great place, missing both kiryu, makoto, and saejima, we ignore y5 lore in this household or make up shit to fill in the giant gaps) You could argue that Majima missing Kiryu is just Majima being “crazy haha woah” but his character is so much deeper than that, and it’s proven in this gif’s scene. Yes he is fighting Kiryu with all his men. But if you are reading this you understand that them fighting physically all the time is a secret love language. They never intend to severely hurt each other. Fighting is how they know that they have an equal, someone else who was modeled into a weapon because of the Tojo Clan.

And yes, “He belongs to me!” is an extremely gay thing to say. He doesn’t even need to say that, though. One of his men didn’t understand that he doesn’t actually want to hurt Kiryu. The guy picked up Majima’s knife and tried to actually hurt Kiryu. Majima willingly gets stabbed so Kiryu doesn’t get hurt. That’s a handful of gay subtext right there. Majima’s first scene in y1 is about how the world is a horrible, shitty place that will chew you up and spit you out if you care. Then he goes and gets stabbed. Self-sacrificially. He cares about Kiryu, even if it hurts.

This one isn’t as deep. It stems of the same concept of them fighting each other as equals. Majima explicitly says more than once that strength is the most admirable trait, Goromi says that it only matters that a man is strong. Kiryu is the only person who presents a challenge to him. He admires him.

(As a disclaimer, I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with Goromi. I’ve also seen a lot of non-binary, gender-fluid, etc. people project on Goromi and Majima, and I feel like that can only be a good thing. Obviously they deserve more and more quality representation. I think the people who dislike Goromi are valid as well, but for the sake of this argument we are going to see Goromi as the people who project on her do and I’m going to use she/her pronouns when talking about Goromi.)

Regardless on your stance on this whole little side quest, the player has the choice to go along with Goromi which creates actually a lot of subtle connecting between the two of them. Even in just talking to her, we see the mad-dog mask slip. She talks about how much she cared about the girls at Club Shine and wonders how they’re doing. Literally says “all part of my tragic-ass backstory.” And Kiryu sympathizes with it. Says he sees through the “i hated it” bullshit and sees Majima/Goromi’s true self, which is that the cabaret job was hard for Majima because he cared about the women and didn’t like using them as a source of income and knew it would be his fault if they got hurt.

Also, Goromi says that "When I’m with a guy, it’s all about if I’m having enough fun. That’s why he’s gotta be strong.” Sound like someone we know? Someone who we are talking about in the last gif with i-just-got-the-shit-beat-out-of-me-and-it-was-awesome bliss on his face?

Anyway, the scene in the gif is near the end of the session. Kiryu is talking about how he’s been in prison for 10 years, and Goromi says that now that he’s out he should try to relax and and a little fun. Arguably, “since you’re so lonely right now, I’m gonna give ya a hand!” is most of Majima’s role in YK1. Kiryu gets out of prison. Majima wants to fight him all the time and says it’s because he’s gone soft and needs to train. Majima Everywhere presents excitement in his life when everything else is hard and shitty and traumatizing. Yes, Majima kidnapped Haruka. But there isn’t a lot of info on that. Majima says he did it so they could fight but it very likely could have been an order from the Tojo Clan or even Nishiki. Until he develops a bond with Haruka, Majima is, in a way, all he has. Nishiki is mean now. Yumi is ???. Kazama is i don’t even remember but he certainly isn’t any emotional support. He’s lonely. Majima is the only person he has from before prison, and quite possibly the only person who understands what he is going through.

YK2, Kiryu has yeeted out of Majima’s life as Kiryu does, but he’s trying to protect haruka so I’ll let it slide. And what does Majima do now that Kiryu’s not there? Leaves the Tojo Clan. Yes it’s because he doesn’t like the 5th chairman’s style and to make up for Kawamura, but the point is he’s bored. The use of “MY Kiryu-chan” is obviously written there because “haha majima he’s crazyyy” but come on. Majima left the Tojo Clan after Kiryu stepped down as the 4th chairman. Because he was bored. Because he couldn’t trust his own men. The only person he considered an equal just wasn’t there anymore and he found it difficult to adjust. (That’s YEARNING, fellas)

So yes, HIS Kiryu-chan came home, but what is home in this context? It clearly isn’t the tojo clan, so I guess it could be Kamurocho in general. But if the clan doesn’t make it home, what does make it home? Perhaps a certain triangle shaped man??

Oh boy silly Majima wants to fight Kiryu again hahaha weeeeeeeee NO listen, LISTEN, he does want to fight kiryu again, because 1) the man has been bored for a year 2) FIGHTING IS THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE 3) Majima is once again surprising Kiryu in a world where nothing surprises him anymore, where kiryu expects people to be vile and only want him for gain. Every single goddamn game it’s “Kiryu plz save the Tojo Clan plz” and Kiryu NEVER gets anything in return unless you count, i don’t know, Daigo and Haruka’s safety? But Majima doesn’t give a shit about any of that. Majima is one of the only people who consistently does things for Kiryu (even if they’re presented in an abnormal way). Majima is really the only one who makes sacrifices for Kiryu. But this fight, it kicks off YK2 of “hey, i missed you but i won’t admit it because we’re manly yakuza, please let me try to make you smile.”

THE kazumaji scene. Going off of Majima being the only one to make sacrifices for Kiryu, here’s a perfect example. Majima first aids the Tojo Clan which he swore to leave literally only because Kiryu asked him to. Then, here, he get beaten within an inch of his life because he promised Kiryu he would protect Kamurocho from Ryuji. Majima does not give a shit about the Tojo Clan at this point. Yes, Majima LOVEEESSSS beating people up, but he’s fatally wounded. This is not a Majima who would die for the Tojo Clan. This is a Majima willing to die for Kiryu. After warning Kiryu about being to trusting, too.

And of course, we get the Majima collapsing on the pavement and Kiryu rushing in to CRADLE him in his arms like a damn fanfic. You’ve even got the “I did it for you” which everyone knows is basically an “I love you.” Look at Majima’s face in the gif. Bless the Kiwami 2 graphics, first of all. He’s looking at Kiryu like he wants him to be the last thing he sees, like he wants him to know that he’s going out for Kiryu, that despite the fact that he’s about to cough up blood he needs Kiryu to have the information he needs to save the clan and Kamurocho. He’s telling Kiryu all this with labored breath because he promised. Kiryu “One-Expression” Kazuma is viably worried as hell, the little nod in the gif kills me because Kiryu needs him to know he’s touched and he’s so grateful. The only reason Kiryu left him was because there was danger elsewhere and he trusts Kaoru enough to take care of him. (Side note: I love Kaoru Sayama, but I still feel like she’s good enough a character on her own and doesn’t need to be a romantic interest for Kiryu. Like it was like oh... she’s Girl so she needs to fall for the Big Strong Male Protag.... If Majima was a cis girl they would have made out in this game, maybe even y1.)

7) Speaking of sacrifices, Yakuza 3, the game where Majima literally joined the Tojo Clan again because Kiryu wanted him to protect Daigo. That’s a huge lifestyle change, Majima.

Yes, this scene is funny because Majima is riding in a Barbie-ass truck like a 15 year old driving on a learner’s permit in a downpour (yet proves he can drive stick seconds later) and thinks he hit Kiryu while he purposely hit everyone else. Look, Majima needs this ok y3 he looks like he’s been crying since kiryu left no one No One is going to hurt Kiryu now

That truck is likely stolen, he’s driving erratically as fast as he can because Kiryu is in danger, how did he even know that Kiryu was in danger is it like some kind of 6th sense... If you didn’t already know, I would take a bullet for Majima’s voice actor; his delivery of “Kiryu-chan! Where are you?!” could have just been like haha oops kiryu did i hit you ;3 but instead it’s this raw cry of genuine panic, like did his actions get kiryu hurt, Majima could not live with himself if he was the reason Kiryu got fatally hurt

8) Ok I’ve hinted at the fact that I have beef with the Hot Mess that is yakuza 5, wasn’t huge on Y4 and Y6 was fine but it was heavily based on the events of Y5. In my head I’ve got an entire fix-it fanfic in which Majima yeets out to Okinawa with Kiryu after Y3 I could write that upon request too ANYWAY here’s another sacrificial majima...

Despite not caring for Y5, THIS SCENE is RAW. Maybe he’s not super “unhinged” in this scene but it’s just so much. Majima, who Kiryu brokedown in his taxi bc he thought he got killed (because Kiryu made him stay in the tojo clan haha we’re out here crying), chooses Kiryu over Saejima. Saejima, Majima’s oath brother, Saejima. We love Saejima, Majima loves Saejima, but 25 years is a long ass time. Majima changed. Saejima changed. For awhile he had Makoto, but then Kiryu was all Majima had for a good chunk of Saejima’s time in prison. This is the man Majima got his eye stabbed out for defending. But the BaD GuYs that arent memorable enough for me to even look up the names of are like look, we want to watch the world burn because we are Bad Guys, so either you are going to fight your brother to the death or we are going to snipe Kiryu’s daughter in the fucking head. Obviously he doesn’t know that Baba is going to betray them, so he has to pick between Saejima and Haruka. He chooses to potentially kill Saejima for Kiryu’s happiness. I’m sure if things didn’t change, Majima would have held back and let Saejima kill him. Majima would rather die than see Kiryu in pain. Majima would rather kill Saejima/let Saejima kill him than let Haruka die. If that’s not a giant declaration of unconditional love and devotion, I don’t know what else to tell you.

Anyway, thanks so much for indulging me and listening to my yakuza opinions if you made it this far you the mvp :’’’’)

#i can't believe i sat down and wrote this monster #thank you so much for the ask #i love talking about majima and i have no one to discuss it with #distinguishedkingdomwolf #ask #kazumaji

64 notes · View notes

theangrypokemaniac · 4 years

Text

@nyarthsis

If Team Rocket 'always had a heart for unpopular Pokémon', that's an admission their Alola catches aren't particular loveable creatures, so I'm not thinking anything too controversial.

You're saying they take pity on the animals no one wants, as in it's normal for me not to find them adorable.

Some Pokémon, such as Lucario, become fan favourites without the advertisement of a regular role the anime. With Wobbuffet, Bewear, Stufful, Mareanie and Mimikyu, do people like them for themselves, or because of their association with Team Rocket?

I think its the latter. I can't imagine there would be such interest in them were they to be owned by a Twerp or appear as a one-off. Really then, it's not what or who they are, it's to whom they belong that matters.

Alola has really devalued catching. Rather than be true to the source material, so battering a Pokémon into submission, as Ash did with Bulbasaur, Primeape, Muk, and many others, now you have to ask their permission!

Bewear didn't even get that. She hung around for no reason, and her 'friend' Stufful was belatedly tacked on. I see why those two were left behind, as Team Rocket had no right to take them elsewhere.

In terms of welfare, Mimikyu and Mareanie are better off staying with them, free and safe, rather than locked in the insalubrious depths of H.Q., but then it never bothered the writers sending previous Pokémon into an uncertain future, so what difference does it make now?

It can only be that, like their predecessors, there is no intention to ever bring them back, but unlike the rest, the fans can't even be allowed the vain hope of a return, not with this rather awkward disposal.

It's feasible that Jessie and James could call their base and request old monsters to join them, but it's difficult to imagine they'd fly across the world to Alola, wander through the woods, pick 'em up and go all the way back again. Why make parting so final and irreversible?

It does imply that Game Freak don't like them, so why should I?

I keep noticing this fickle attitude. A new era starts, we're expected to fall instantaneously in love with every element, beg for more and yet more. Then, once the next region arrives, this adoration asked of us is meant to evaporate and immediately transfer to the next batch.

Well why start to like them, if eventually the makers don't care, to the extent you wouldn't even know previous Pokémon had ever been alive?

Have you heard one mention of Seviper, Yanmega, Dustox, Cacnea, Carnivine, and Mime Junior since they left?

Why were they happy to chuck Wobbuffet after Sinnoh, yet fetched for Kalos?

How could Team Rocket live without it for an entire generation but suddenly it's indispensable again? What do you imagine the rest of their Pokémon felt about that?

Have Jessie and James wondered allowed how Arbok, Weezing, Lickitung and Victreebel are doing?

What of the last two generations?

What is this nonsense where every character is so detached from the past?

Supposing I was to force myself to appreciate them: since they've gone, never to return, I'd be dissatisfied with the show, thus no better off than I am now.

My feelings don't run on a switch. I can't find myself besotted one minute then dump the object of affection without a second thought, just because Nintendo want it from me.

Even if I had a more positive opinion of the current interpretation, there's no benefit to becoming involved when it's all so fleeting.

Mareanie is ugly, with three teeth. I think he's a sea anenome, so ought to be more attractive, but it's covered in nipples instead!

It looks like a bonsai tree growing breasts, reminiscent of the hideous content lurking within an Hieronymous Bosch painting.

The idea that all Mimikyu copy Pikachu, the most famous Pokémon, when in their world it's nothing special, is too stupid for me to accept. How could that be coincidence?

It's referencing reality, acknowledging the real world's view of Pikachu as the star, so if it's breaking the fourth wall, it invites disbelief.

Wobbuffet does sod all. It's a complete dead weight and has no attacks. Yet it's the one to survive generation after generation. Where's the logic in that?

I suspect his popularity rests on being there so long he's considered part of the furniture, the sole catch in which you can invest an emotional connection whilst fairly certain he'll remain around.

By now it ought to have developed some semblance of a personality, but it's as faceless as ever. Other Pokémon that have been and gone had a bit more about them, but Wobba's so bland no one can summon the energy to write him out.

If he went, what would you miss? Breaking out of his ball and hissing 'WAAAAAHBUHFEH'? Is that so integral?

I have several objections:

What is it meant to be?

Why does its tail have eyes?

Why is that never mentioned?

Is it a sort of quadruped, or has it only one foot with four toes, arranged like the bottom of a medical walking stick?

A lot of my reactions to Pokémon are influenced by encountering them in the games. With Wobbuffet, I remember first coming across it in the cave near Blackthorn City, and just as you're winning the fight, it pulls out Destiny Bond and suddenly you're both down.

When you finally get one, it's tricky to train. You have no choice but to guess whether the opposition will launch a physical or special move, and mostly you get it wrong. He never learns anything else and doesn't evolve, so it's that forever.

Persevering with Magikarp is worthwhile, but what's to be gained from taking any time out to fight with Wobbuffet?

The anime eliminates this problem. You're aware of the nature of the approaching onslaught because you can see it coming, and the opponent said it aloud.

In this context Wobbuffet should be the most powerful Pokémon in the universe. Come on, it can deflect every attack!

Is it? No. It has a successful defence about once a generation, and still loses the battle. I can't say if it's worse to be utterly pointless, or to not fulfil one's potential.

I resent it muscling in on the motto, as if it's considers itself of equal rank to Meowth. No it's not!

When I was young, there was a tendency for magazines to refer to Team Rocket as a duo. Meowth was judged to be in the same position as Pikachu: a main character yes, and valuable enough to be accorded the privilege of liberty, but still very much owned by people.

You would see references to Jessie and James as his Trainers, though how they assumed this worked went unexplained. Even if shared, one had to have to caught him, thus be his proper owner.

Later on this developed into them being three equal members, and the term 'TRio' emerged, but now, although perhaps not officially recognised, there's an attitude of treating them as a quartet.

It's just wrong! Wobbuffet's not been around since day one. He didn't join Team Rocket voluntarily because he had nowhere else to go. It was a choice made for him by his original Trainer, so out of his hands, or rather his flippers.

If he was an independent Pokémon who just tagged along one day, that would be different, but it belongs to Jessie. Promoting one of hers means James is lesser, and no longer equal.

In each generation Team Rocket catch at least one local Pokémon, but as Wobbuffet's there, it ends up with Jessie having more on her side than James, and I dislike the imbalance. Plus the one he does get is violent.

It can't be solved by giving him another new one, as then he's captured two in the region, and she has only one, so again it's skewed.

Whilst Wobbuffet does count in numbers, he's not on the level of the rest, who fight regularly. He's both there and not simultaneously.

I'm still irked the way Lickitung was ejected to make room.

It was the best Pokémon they ever had! It took out Pikachu, Vulpix and Bulbasaur with one move! It would've won those Princess Dolls for Jessie if the writers hadn't changed the rules so that Lick only affects those of sound mind!

It was as if they realised their mistake too late, and so Lickitung was featured less and less to avoid it dominating a fight, then hurriedly traded away for something reliably feeble.

The following analogy you may not understand, but I think it fits rather aptly:

There's a game called Final Fantasy VIII. One of the side quests involves you racing through a castle under a time limit. If successful, you are rewarded with Odin as a Guardian Force, which is a deity that will provide a defence.

Unlike others, he is out of your control, but every so often, as you enter battle, he turns up and annihilates your opponents. It's very welcome.

Unfortunately this game was programmed by bunyips, who clearly didn't want the last section of the game to be accidently easier for you. Oh no. If you're progressing, it ain't gonna be through luck, or turning the console on and off until he arises.

Therefore, towards the close, you come up against ex-friend Seifer. Odin is fixed to rush to your aid, but when he does, bloody Seifer slices him in half, horse and all!

He killed Odin, the ancient King of the North! The Lord of Valhallah! The Father of the Vikings!

It's not normal fighting death, it's irreversible. He's gone for good.

After this Gilgamesh introduces himself as a replacement. He too will randomly appear and set about the enemy.

The problem is that whilst Odin destroyed monsters unfailingly, with Gilgamesh it's a rarity.

He uses four swords, and which you get is also a lottery.

One is the same as Odin's, two deal average damage, but not death, and the worst one depletes 1 HP, so it might as well not have bothered.

Not only does it arrive but a fraction of the time, but it's in a fraction of those times that it's of any assistance, which is something of a comedown.

Lickitung is Odin: didn't see it often, but it tore the place apart!

Wobbuffet is Gilgamesh: once in a blue moon it provides rescue, but it's on a lot lower percentage than it's predecessor.

It's difficult not to be disappointed.

#team rocket #wobbuffet #mareanie #mimikyu #bewear #stufful

6 notes · View notes

curlicuecal · 6 years

Note

This is kind of a self-indulgent question, but how do you deal with people who VERY BADLY want to be your internet friend, and they'd be Crushed if you stopped talking to them, but you just don't have the energy for it/are beginning to resent them for it? (And for other reasons you can't bring up because whiffs of criticism squeeze their "I'm a terrible person" reflex)

Oh, gosh. As someone who has been on BOTH sides of this experience, this speaks to me right where I live.

If you’re at all like me, this stuff is difficult from several angles:

Firstly, I like people to be happy and not unhappy. If I can do things to make people happy, I tend to want to do them. Other people’s (un)happiness often feels like it weighs more strongly than my own (un)happiness.

Secondly, I am extremely rejection-sensitive myself, so this ups my perception of the harm to the other person. It also makes the whole topic feel extremely charged, b/c if *I* secretly don’t like this person for no reason they can control then maybe other people secretly don’t like me for reasons I can’t control. Maybe all my friends secretly hate me! (They don’t. I’ve checked.)

Thirdly, if I’m honest, I would like to be able to reject someone in a way that somehow causes zero change in their opinion of me, see previous All People Must Like Me At All Times Or I’ve Failed As A Human Being. (Also not true. I’ve checked on that one, too.)

Soooo yeah. This is one of those easier-as-a-bystander things, but here’s some things that have helped me.

-Untangle what you do control from what you don’t

You are in charge of your feelings and your actions. You CAN’T control (or even 100% predict) how the other person will react to them, so stop assigning yourself the task of being feelings!forecaster and emotions!wrangler.

Sometimes things in life (like you not manifesting the correct feelings) will make people feel bad in ways you can’t actually prevent or control. Give yourself permission to not try. Break ups hurt, and the idea that there is a Magical Correct Perfect way that will cause no hard feelings is, sadly, not a real thing. Pull off the band-aid fast or slow or however the heck you prefer. It’s gonna come off.

-Try not to project

Worth emphasizing: If they haven’t said it out loud, you don’t actually know what they’re thinking or feeling. Mind reading is a cognitive distortion, so try to spot when you’re falling into it. Ditto for fortune-telling (you don’t know how they’re going to react) or catastrophizing.

-Practice enthusiastic consent in relationships

Seriously. Do this *today.* Every time you find yourself in a position where you need decide to skype/message/reply/hang out with/otherwise spend emotional energy on this person" check in on your consent. Do you enthusiastically want to?

If not: don’t.

It is amazing how often this idea feels revolutionary. But you don’t owe strangers (or your friends) make-outs or sex just because it would make them happy, and similarly you don’t owe them a deep, emotional feelings jam. Or even a relationship. Neutrality towards someone is not harm.

Guilt is a toxic as fuck relationship dynamic, Do Not Do.

-Sometimes people don’t click

It’s not a referendum on someone’s character if you just don’t feel it the same way. You don’t need to be someone’s friend because they are nice. You don’t need to be someone’s friend just because you don’t have a compelling reason not to be. You don’t actually need a reason to not want to be someone’s friend. There are several billion perfectly nice people in the world you will not have time to be in either a platonic or romantic relationship with.

Also, having incompatible relationship needs doesn’t necessarily mean EITHER of you need to change as a person. It just means you have incompatible needs.

If you feel bad for not being able to be the Nice Thing in this person’s life, go leave a comment on someone’s fanwork. There, you’ve brightened someone’s day.

-It’s not rude to not answer someone on the internet

This one’s hard for me! But seriously. Especially the less well you know someone, the less you owe them dropping everything to craft a response of any flavor on demand. Try not to frame it as “ignoring someone speaking to your face” and look at it more as “ignoring someone shouting vaguely in your direction across a crowded room.” I’m bad at small talk, so my rule of thumb is if I don’t have anything in particular to add to a conversation, I just…. don’t. “I liked ur post” does not mandate any particular response.

-Therapists get paid

Therapy is hard, emotionally-draining work aand that is why therapists get paid to do it, and why they only do it in a very specific, limited context. When you engage in therapy as a friend, it should be as part of mutually beneficial relationship. Does this mean that 2 friends always get the same benefits out of a relationship or that 2 friends will always have the same amount of spoons to spend on a relationship at any given time? No. But over the span of years it should probably feel like it evens out.

In my personal experience, starting as someone’s free therapist doesn’t usually work out well in terms of friendship. It feels nice to be helpful, but it’s a weird power imbalance, and best case scenario you’re both eventually going to have to work out new ways to relate to each other. Worst case scenario, one or both people’s spoons drastically change and suddenly you CAN’T continue the current dynamic and nobody’s got a safety net interaction-style to fall back on.

-You can understand and empathize with a reaction without having to prioritize it

You mentioned a “terrible person reflex”. And god, I feel that. But this is one of those areas where both of you have GOT to be aware of who is in charge of handling that reflex. (Hint: it is not you). It’s very similar to struggles with jealousy or any other cognitive distortion– they are real, painful emotions, but as distortions they are not based in reality. People outside your own brain can find some ways to provide reassurance, but they cannot manage them for you. Is there a way you can work out a ritualized shorthand for the long set of reassurances or nimble tap-dancing that it sounds like ensues from this reflex triggering? (Something like: “are we still friends?” “yep!”)

In particular, if you find that expressing a need/feeling leads to you setting that conversation aside for prolonged discussion of the other person’s needs or feelings THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY OR SUSTAINABLE PATTERN.

-Listen to your brain when it wants you to stop doing something that hurts

When you’re experiencing emotional overload, distress, or damage, a healthy brain is gonna take steps to protect you. That resentment? That is your brain giving you armor. That is emotional coping.

If you’re like me, and not always very tuned in to your own needs (I *can* so obviously I *should*). Sometimes your brain will just scale up the shouting (”Seriously, Stop Doing the Thing”) until you have to acknowledge it. One example is the “bitch eating crackers” phenomenon, where your brain escalates resentment of a person to the point where even the way they eat crackers starts to bother you. “Look at that bitch sitting there eating crackers.” This is not a good place to be in in a relationship. Repression is not a sustainable interaction style in a relationship.

-People that love you want you to be happy

If you are unhappy, that is important. If your happiness requires you taking a step back, *even in a way that hurts the other person*, most of your friends will want you to take that step. Plus side: this means that sharing a relationship problem will trigger good friends’ protective problem-solving rather than defensiveness. Or at the very least you know what they would want for you if they were in a better place.

The corollary to this is, of course, people that don’t value your happiness are not worth pouring your emotional energy into.

-If you’re waiting for the Thing That Will Give You Permission to Leave, “I want to” is sufficient reason

I have to include this because it is so damn important. Seriously. If you want out of a relationship, this is your sign. Go.

-Be aware that “do this or I’ll hurt myself” is also abuse

Also so damn important. Threats of physical violence to coerce behavior are Not Good. Run run run.

-You aren’t required to invest work in fixing a relationship, but if you DO want to put it in, here are some quick thoughts:

Switch to only engaging in ways, frequencies, and topics that you find rewarding. (ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT. DESIST FROM EMOTIONAL SUPPRESSION.)

State your needs without feeling the required to offer detailed explanation or justification. (“I’m really stressed lately, so I need to only talk about casual things”)

Resist the urge to get drawn into guilt spirals. (”I’m not mad” + restate need).

Resist engaging with stuff that violates boundaries you’ve communicated–just ignore and switch the topic. Redirect any too-heavy stuff to other channels. (“Sounds like you need a therapist to talk to”; “Ugh, that sounds stressful, hope you find someone that can help you through that”; “Sounds like something you two will need to work out together”; + TOPIC CHANGE).

Shift some of the relationship work to the other person, such as strategizing ways to balance conflicting needs.

Frankly what I’m hearing from you is “I want to stop” so…. yeah, you can stop. Official Stranger On the Internet permission given.

ps, check out Captain Awkward’s tag on The African Violet of Broken Friendship, highly recommend.

#Anonymous #advice #curlicue has opinions #1k

1K notes · View notes