#I'm actually so exhausted rn
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therapists r so funny u could literally go up to them like "hi I haven't slept in days, I'm a sad medieval peasant infected with prion disease, and also all my organs fell out and died over the weekend" and they'll just be like "damn that's crazy :/ anyway that'll be $25, do you want to schedule for next week? :-)"
#frustrated. again.#told my therapist I'm not really eating or sleeping rn and once again she didn't really have anything helpful to say#and like sure ofc I'll wait and see how things change over the next few days/week#but like what am I actually paying her for then lol#she did say not to take my (optional) second dose of adderall after 12 tho which grated is something#but (since I couldn't take it today following that suggestion) not only am I exhausted and faint but ALSO I can't do anything#literally just stuck in place feeling restless and bad#<- which is what's pushing me over the edge rn LOL. like literally all the positive effects r faded by this time of day#(that's what the second dose is for)#so I'm just feeling very bad in my head and body :|#negative#disordered eating#ask to tag
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i’m shocked to learn that i even took 9 selfies in 2021 tbh
#also my usual face tag is banned and i don't feel like deciding rn how i'm gonna replace it so. i'm just not tagging this#anyway yes i am in fact wearing TWO different cloaks simultaneously in the top row#i took those photos on my birthday after i'd been drinking but looking back on them they're honestly the sexiest i've ever looked#(technically the day after my birthday actually since my real birthday was on a thursday in between three anatomy exams but w/e)#also i haven't posted photos of myself in over a year but i was inspired by my mutuals who posted themselves looking good af#except because i'm me at least one of them had to be a bathroom mirror selfie in my pajamas looking Exhausted#self#<adding my face tag now that it's been a few months
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#it's so weird spending time with my mom#like she's my mom. I love her. I appreciate her. for the most part I enjoy spending time with her.#sometimes she says things that make me so upset and defeated that it's hard to be around her#today she said the worst people are repressed gay people that aren't out#she said all gay people need to be 'flamboyant and happy' or there's no point#how do I come out to her when she says things like this??? how am I ever supposed to feel safe and supported enough to come out#I panicked and blocked a really nice+pretty girl that genuinely wanted to go on a date with me bc I couldn't think of a way to tell my mom#it's pathetic and I feel awful#I can't drag someone else into this though#my mom also denied that I'm mentally ill. she said my anxiety and OCD don't count and blamed my anxiety on caffeine#she denied it when I said I'm anxious everyday but don't consume caffeine on a daily basis#it genuinely doesn't make my anxiety worse and she's never denied my anxiety in the past so idk what started it now#she also started arguing about some old superstitions my grandma has#these things are so odd/outdated that my dad asked how my grandma is even from the 20th century bc she acts like she was born way before#it made no sense for my mom to suddenly repeat and defend this stuff#idk I'm tired. mentally and physically. didn't sleep too well last night so I'm sure that's contributing to my overthinking#I'm actually feeling fine rn all things considered. it's just exhausting trying to think about the future and how to navigate things#ashley rambles#mom tag
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i am so so so fucking beyond burnt out by irl shit. i am so jealous of people who have time to engage with internet bullshit, or even internet non-bullshit.
#i really feel close to death rn#i am restarting my computer which is. actually acting horrible so much for macs lol#so that i can finish completing these 20 hours of video lecture i need to have done by tuesday#which won't even play and keep freezing up#i am so fucking pissed off i just really feel like what they put us through is completely unreasonable & i am just exhausted#i feel like i'm living a fraction of a life
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Somewhere I read Adam was a 'monster' because he tried to make the world pay for what happened in his childhood, instead of being a selfless hero. But do you think that's a reason to trash his character? If we try to put ourselves in the shoes of a deeply traumatized and abused orphan, we could understand how much potential he has as a character. Yeah, he was a villain, but he wasn't born as one.
The idea that because Adam's actions stem from a place of vengeance sourced from his own personal trauma his actions are therefore Immoral and Bad is...certainly one that's out there, yeah.
tl;dr you can bash Adam for not expressing his trauma the “right” way or engaging in the “right” kind of activism the same way you can bash him for his fashion sense. It’s fundamentally a matter of opinion, as sensitive as the subject matter may be, and unless everyone involved is going in with the mindset that it’s okay to disagree on some fundamental questions, whatever discussion that follows is probably going to get very unpleasant very quickly.
Some people see characters that fall into this archetype (angry at personal injustice inflicted by societal ills and lashing out violently) and, though they can sympathize with their anger, cannot sympathize with it enough to justify the actions that follow. If a character's backstory doesn't connect with you, you're going to be more put off by the morally dubious things that character does than someone who does connect with that backstory. It's not necessarily a failing on the part of the story or on the audience; it's just a thing that is.
Whether or not someone thinks Adam's trauma precludes trashing his character comes down to a) their opinions on Adam in general and b) (with the very important caveat that opinions on fiction ≠ opinions on real people and events) their beliefs on morality. I, personally, vibe heavy with characters who lash out after being put through terrible injustice by some greater power. I find it very cathartic and just as entertaining, and I don't need some grand sob story to have a character's back.
To better explain what I’m getting at, let's pull away from Adam and RWBY as a whole to look at a different case: John Wick. Spoilers for the first movie in the next three paragraphs.
So anyway, Wick is attacked and his dog (his dead wife's final gift to him) is brutally killed. The crime that warranted this attack? Owning a car that a criminal boss's son happened to want and filling up that car at a gas station that son also happened to be at. So, the body count is: Wick's dog. Plus the emotional pain of that dog's connection to his dearly departed wife. And the stolen car.
What does Wick do to balance the scales? He murders dozens upon dozens of people in a one-man crusade to exact vengeance on the son. Dozens upon dozens of lives, many killed in horrific ways, for a dead wife's dog. It is an awe-inspiring display of violence. Now step back for a second and think: what if, as you're watching Wick rip and tear his way through these goons, your only thought is: "Is this really necessary?" Sure, you can understand that the guy's upset at losing the dog, and you can tell that he loved his wife with once-in-a-lifetime passion, but come on. It's not worth this. Killing just a few people to send a message or putting out a hit on the son or any of a dozen other methods would've saved a lot of trouble and lives. This isn’t balancing the scales; this is tipping them wildly in the other direction.
Now think about the opposite side of the coin personified as, say, a person sitting next to you in the theater who cheers at every murder because that asshole killed Wick's wife's dog, how dare he? Furthermore, that person, rather than being put off by all the murder and mayhem, came to the theater for those things and thus is far more willing to accept that reasoning behind Wick's rampage because it gets them to where they want to be. So you might say, "John Wick is a terrible character because he killed dozens of people over a dog." That's fine. What's also fine is what your seatmate might say: "John Wick is a great character because he killed dozens of people to avenge his dog, and he looked great doing it."
John Wick is far from a direct parallel to Adam Taurus - the horrific thing done to Wick was not based on systemic discrimination and Wick's vendetta is entirely personal - but it's an illustrative example for how character motivations can hit different people with different levels of efficacy and how someone's reasons for engaging with a character (in Wick's case, the entertainment of his violent expertise at work) further color their views of that character.
That's why, when fans and critics alike of Adam "put ourselves in the shoes of a deeply traumatized and abused orphan," we get different results. Keep in mind too that we didn’t have any knowledge of Adam’s trauma until minutes before he died. People watching the show as it aired knew him as an asshole abuser terrorist ex-boyfriend for a lot longer than they knew him as someone with the SDC logo seared into his skin.
So knowing Adam’s history, knowing that different people are okay with different levels of justification for a character’s violent actions...if a person is not on his side, which is valid, there’s this question: how much would Adam have to suffer for him to be sympathetic? By the same token, how much violence can a traumatized character commit/condone before they’re no longer sympathetic?
No one likes to interrogate themselves over what they would personally consider "enough" suffering to justify retaliatory violence. It's a deeply uncomfortable question, particularly for people who aren't part of a minority group looking at characters who are. Furthermore, fictional stories (like RWBY, with its focus on action and grand save-the-world plots over day-to-day injustices) don't often demand that level of introspection. Adam, with all of his horrible qualities, invites dismissal rather than engagement with his roots.
Plus I strongly dislike the idea that a character doing any action for selfish reasons makes that action negative. Why is a character trying to improve the world for selfless reasons inherently better than another doing it to help themselves?
To finally bring this back to your main question: Adam's history motivating his actions is a reason to trash his character just like his edgy tryhard aesthetic is one too. However. When people argue about Adam being justified or not, the argument often isn’t about that, not really. It’s arguing about one of the unnecessarily deep questions I brought up here. Recognizing that can save everyone involved a lot of time.
To top all of this off, his backstory has never even been confirmed; iirc, one of the writers tossed out a half-assed “he got in an argument and there just happened to be a warmed-up brand nearby” before later walking that back. Any point you bring up (orphan, traumatized, abused) can be argued into oblivion by a bad-faith dissenter.
People get prickly about morality, minorities, and godawful depictions of those two intersecting in media. Best not to engage with strangers online about it.
#anon#unofficial adam answers#adam taurus#rwde#unofficial adam analysis#hmm maybe don't call the victim of systemic racism lashing out against that system a monster and dehumanize him in the process#i am very physically and mentally exhausted rn so i apologize if this is not coherent#but like yeah sometimes people can just fundamentally disagree on things and that's fine#it took me a long time to actually fully understand that#like not until i was in college#(granted that might be because i was extremely antisocial and didn't talk to a lot of people but that's neither here nor there)#but yeah until you draw your line in the sand differently than someone you genuinely like and respect#i don't think you can really grasp this#you'll think you do and you'll think you know how you'll handle it#but there's only one way to find out#that's why i'm really unbothered by the vast majority of criticism against adam#including backstory and motivation stuff#it comes down to those lines in the sand and i'm not out here thinking i'm going to change those lines#when i am known + liked + respected by exactly 0 people on this site
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Not so great news: still can't breathe properly, or take in a normal lungful of air.
Excellent news: test came back and it's not COVID.
No idea why I can't breathe right, but at least it's not The Plague. That's my silver lining.
#pasta update#forgot how exhausting it is when you can't fully inhale#but it's not covid so I'm fairly happy#now to figure out what it actually is#nurse friend guesses all the shit in the air rn#if the wind could just shoo the pollution away#that would be greeeat
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have you ever heard a song so beautiful you started crying?
#yes. I assume most people have#But! My point is.#I've been listening to Beethoven's Pathétique sonata no. 8 on loop for like an hour and#am I going to bite off more than I can chew? am I going to try to learn how to play it?#get disinterested after 2 days and then hate that song forever?#or maybe. just maybe actually finish something I started for the first time since I was like. 6.#It's so beautiful I wanna be able to play it!!! But I'm absolutely not good enough rn and it'd be soo exhausting to try and learn it#But!!! So pretty!! I'm feeling#Idk what or how I'm feeling. It's this feeling of. My chest. Is. Uh. Big? Full of wind? like a tiny storm in my chest?#and my heart is uh. red and glowing#I should do it. but I don't play in front of ppl ever and there's always someone at home who would hear meeee#But I'll try I have to#doddie redet#I used to have that feeling more often. Welcome back feeling!!
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I wear 😎 sunglasses to hide the 😎 pain, exhaustion, and despair 😎 trauma processing puts me through so that I can still look cool 😎 and act like this is easy 😎
#alter: riku#ptsd#c-ptsd#actuallydid#dissociation#I'm ACTUALLY good rn#all things considered especially#but OH BOY was a two hour mope and trope trauma processing time exhausting#so if you see me with 😎 its my disguise#cause Im too cool and good to have feelings about how tiresome trauma processing is /j#honestly though its bs that I gotta do this and Im salty and begrudging af to it but whatever#at least its getting better ish#feel free to reblog
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there are currently three things allowed to be in my brain: ghosts, taskmaster and sdv
#they do fit together well i think#it's all autumn vibes idk what to tell you#my guys my dudes my friends i'm so stressed out and unhappy!!!#i'm back to work tomorrow after my week off and idk how i will do it#and i still have so much shit to do!!!! ;A;#so all i think about are the sweet happy things#oh and sewing#also kingsman but like less#the hyperfixation has been lessening slowly for weeks now#not helped by my creative block and inability to draw/write/do anything#and i dont want it to go but theres not much i can do#it still gives me the happy brain juice to look at but not as much anymore#and just thinking about it alone doesnt make me super happy anymore#i'm sad and anxious and overwhelmed and exhausted#so thats how my life is going rn#mine#whining#well it turned into whining in the tags#i just wanted to post about ghosts taskmaster and sdv actually but oh well
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I hesitate to say I'm mentally ill because I'm not diagnosed or know of a diagnosis I could potentially have BUT I also must say I'm fairly certain there is Something Wrong and the brain shouldn’t work like this. There is a general sense of undefined brain Wrongness.
#the way my brain deal with emotions is so goddamn dysfunctional it's exhausting#I had an absolute breakdown a few days ago and now i feel like crying again over something rly minor like#i know im going through some irl stuff rn but like#it's.. not somethig new#personal stuff#i think a lot abt in avengers 2012 when bruce banner describes being hulk like#'i'm exposed like a nerve'#and i know it is all abt. exposed to actual physical danger#but is often how i feel huh and root of most of my problems#like the smallest push or crack and im going down fast#and it just feels dysfunctional the way my brain jumps from point a to point b#my best guess is just like. some iffy personality stuff like being a perfectionist#and rly not seemingly being able to unlearn that#with tendency to get depressive symptoms and just a general HSP p.o.v of the world/myself
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i am of the opinion that people should stop intentionally trying to trigger my paranoia and/or anxiety, especially if they consider us a friend actually
it’s a gross and ableist thing to do and it just makes you an asshole. plus there are better ways to communicate with us without being ableist
#vent post#ableism#- 🐍#(hhh pretty sure I'm co-fronting w/ Ivy rn but. this is mostly a me thing from what i can tell)#but anyways I'm exhausted and even if i gave further explanation we'd just get demonized for it#as it's extremely likely we have other cluster b disorders#and we've done a shitload of research on it so. it isn’t just picking a disorder out of a hat lmao#regardless why are people like this. there's no good reason for it#and refusing to actually communicate with us just fucks with us more so?? maybe don't#might delete this later#ghost whispers
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Watching the last part of the atlanta falcons documentary like the fucked up and evil pats fan i am >:3
#ok in all seriousness#i know we were the villain of that story for more than one reason but#thats the day my grandpa was buried and i couldn't be there and i couldnt watch the game and the whole rest of my fam called me when they#turned it on - a couple hours after everyone had left shiva for the day - and we were all exhausted and sad and they were like#well whatever; if losing a football game was ever gonna not matter it was now :/#and then. and then! slowly one by one they were like. rachel we love you but actually we have to go watch the game rn like we HAVE to??#and i was like ??? and they were like ?????#and we won??? our beautiful pats WON?? hashem was like u know what you can have something special happen just for you. i love you <3#and we were like. idk man i still dont know what to say about it but I'm thankful. I'm so thankful#..uh#just me
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small mental health rant in the tags
#negativity /#i keep saying no more posts like this and then here i go again :)#i am. fucking exhausted and#like i understand that trauma comes with triggers and that's just how it is i am not going to be able to handle things the same#as someone who doesn't have the same traumas etc. i get that#but i'm tired of every single thing recently feeling like it's setting me off and i'm tired of crying at the drop of a hat and i'm#fucking tired of not having any time to actually sit and do things i enjoy because it's getting busy and it's only going to get worse#i keep going 'oh just this week.' and then it's the month the semester the year#and i feel like it's never getting better and it's . the worst i've been in awhile and like#it's so hard being at a point in my life where i want to get better#i just don't fucking. have the time to do so. nor is anythign i'm trying working.#i genuinely want to have a better future where i'm happy and i want to live but i'm so fucking tired of trying because nothing /works/#like i have had at least one panic attack a day for the last 2 weeks#and i don't even know how to describe it to my therapist without her putting me in a hospital because it's fucking concerning to say that#i just. i want my brain to be ok. i want it to not freak out any time something isn't perfectly how i want.#i just want to fucking write and do things i enjoy and i can't rn bc i have seven assignments a quiz and a test and#i have so much to do in lab tomorrow that i'm not going to get a break that way either#idk i'm. i feel fucking pathetic saying this and i want. it to just stop#i have a half hour before class so i'm gonna try and calm down and stop crying again but like lmfao i#can't even go back to normal because this shit started when i was a kid i don't have any neutral place i can at least claw back to i'm#just like this and it's awful#wow this is horrible and i wish i had not written it out but i just need to put it down somewhere because#i'm tired of ranting to people in dms and feeling like i'm taking up space and#i'm tired of complaining all the fucking time#i'm tired of mySELF that's the issue#so yeah i . idk i'm gonna . go get ready for class i'm sorry for this#i'm sorry#&. 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑 ) i begin to realize my only enemy is me.
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not to be dramatic but i will sell my soul to whoever
wants to have a thread with lucian
#ooc ; talking into the void.#come @ me#mainly on disc.ord my lazy butt is always on invisible#and let me tell u how much i love him and why he's my top fav#he's sadly the one i always have the least threads with and not many are interested in him#so for those who actually do like him and write with him i just really appreciate y'all <333#it's like (2) ppl and they're sadly busy rn so i'm just sitting here like:#😐#but trying to find new ppl to write with is exhausting let me tell u
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#the poc experience of those moments where you're just like#why don't they care#why is it so hard to simply make them care#not even make them fight or us or advocate for us but actually fucking care#about who we are and what struggles we face as a result of the racial hierarchy THEY have created#why doesn't everyone care about this why doesn't it make you angry why do i feel like i'm the only one screaming about this#why are the harmful things in media done to characters of color excused away and diminished and overlooked why don't they matter#why don't we matter#and like i know why lol i can't forget why#its just exhausting lol#like what do i have to do to make people care and more importantly why should i have to do anything at all#why is racism not enough#clearly having a moment rn lol#delete later
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quick au based on what literally just happened to me:
one of the other houses that lives near the Haus has chickens, but the rooster gets out and into the Haus's yard. the boys spend 45 minutes chasing the rooster trying to catch it before Bitty gets out of class and immediately grabs the rooster and walks it home. he gets free fresh eggs until he graduates
#Holster almost gets it but it runs away#he calls it a cock tease#theres lots of cock jokes involved#mine#omgcp#shitty-omgcp-aus hype me up#unfortunately i didn't actually get the rooster it got into the trees behind my house and into the neighbors yard#i'm so exhausted#its 80 degrees rn
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