i'm reading the extras in svsss and oh my god yue qingyuan and shen jiu are the literal epitome of doomed by the narrative. they are the most tragic pair; i mean, they were soulmates but they couldn't last in the original story or the new one because of the plot and the system 😭😭😭😭 i don't even know anymore jsifjejfjjwjx they're my fav couple now 😭😭😭😭

HELLO PETRIGROF NATION 🤩🤩 Fionna and Cake finale destroyed me and made me very sad so I couldn't draw anything except silly doodles to cope pls enjoy

decembhyur, day 6: memory

you're gonna go far, kid.

Personally I think it's time for Arya stans to unionize and collectively start being meaner. I'm tired of being "nice" and "fair" to other characters when she gets routinely misinterpreted and turned into a background character. We already get called bullies for pointing out what's written in the books so we might as well embrace it.

i know nobody is online rn to read this but ;-; i gotta get it off my chest i love ken so much he means everything to me he's making me so happy and i've needed him so so so bad. he's brought me comfort when my ptsd has been so fucking unbearable and every time i'm having a crying fit over losing my tf f/os or every time i'm having a flashback i ALWAYS immediately IMMEDIATELY think about him rushing to my side, holding me and saying "hey hey it's okay, i'm here, i'm right here" and it's such a relief because i haven't been able to genuinely wholeheartedly believe any character would be willing to do that for me the entire time i've been struggling this year.

i've never gone so long without comfort from f/os, much less being triggered by the ones who used to comfort me the most. so to have barbie and ken right now is like the biggest wave of relief every single day when i wake up and the hyperfixation is still there. sometimes i will literally close my eyes and sigh in relief when i hear a song and my first thought is sebastian or ken or six or... whomever. i love being in love again. i NEED this. i love waking up and my first thought isn't my trauma most of the time now, it's ken. or it's six. or it's barbie. or it's harley. or it's officer k. or it's... yeah you get it. i needed these characters so fucking badly. every time i see a gifset and get excited over it, i feel a rush of gratitude bc self shipping has always been the glue holding me together. it doesn't feel as intense or strong as the SB musical or TF used to make me feel but i am not picky. not at all. i will take anything and i'm praying this lasts for at LEAST another few weeks please

i may not be at a sense of peace right now and i dont know when i ever will be, it could be years, but im so. so. so. so so so thankful to have these characters right now when i've needed someone so badly for so long. i hope ken knows how much i love him ;-; i hope barbie knows how much she has helped me, has saved me from one of my major triggers and has helped me to love and feel safe around the color pink again. i wish they could see me when i'm not so broken but i'm glad they're here even when i'm at my worst, i'm glad they still love me even when they deserve to see me in a much better light

btw in absolutely unsurprising news I fucked up the exam of that class I'm taking for the third time badly again.

in very surprising news, apparently Something happened, idk if the dean said something to the professor or I looked like a distressed broken down wet rat enough or he just doesn't want to see me in his class again or idk, maybe it's not good for him if someone fails his class three times, but he actually offered that I could do a written exam on friday instead? which. is extremely surprising. good, because it gives me another afternoon to study and I can draw and go back to questions on a written exam, even if I have to shuffle around the other exams and papers now, just. very surprising.

local 20 year old almost gets teary eyed over a mario game

I'm like. 99.5% ok about the breakup but boy that 0.5% sneaks up on ya

i screamed.

sometimes I wish it was 2021 again so I can see J's reaction to me being in (literally any fandom she wasn't in) and (liking literally any character that didn't look like her)

I'm leaving the internet for a WHILE, a drama that did not need to go this far is actually starting to make me paranoic

I'll see you someday, maybe i'll take a week, maybe i'll take a month, who knows, but hopefully i'll be back at some point, i'm just generally scared for my mental health and well being

Goodbye, asks will be turned off entirely in both my blogs

Man, nothing's worse than spending time on a piece of writing and feeling like you were treading through sludge the entire time - like, each word bringing you physical pain because it's just not good, you know in your bones it's not, but you're praying that you'll read it back later and it'll actually/magically be okay, telling yourself it is what it is and nothing more can be done....

But then, oh boy... nothing's better than taking that same piece of writing, all sweaty and gross and wrong, and turning it into something else. Something better. Whether you're editing what exists or starting over from scratch. Each word fits into place with a nice click. Ah yes, there is is. The thing it was meant to be, on the page at last.

They put me downstairs at work :(

All thumb healing progress was undone in one evening apparently. It actually felt mostly fine on Sunday, until after work. They put me in an area I'm rarely sent to on Sunday evening, and I had to do a ton of heavy lifting. My arms are sore but it's like a post-exercise soreness (painful, but still very normal). My thumb felt fine allllllll day today, until I started to draw. Even with breaks, it still feels super tense, and now it's hurting even when I'm not using it. I'm gonna take that as a sign to stop for the night lol

I have one drawing I want to finish before school starts back up, because I'm worried it'll distract me if I don't have it done before then. Of course, if my hand prevents from finishing it, I'll manage, but that'd suck :')

On a lighter tone I feel very strongly about this cat in a blanket I found, I don't know why it amuses me so much but it's such a mood

listening to the patched-in oxenfree anomalies for the first time since playing lost signals. having context for all of this...man.

Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.