❤️ Red light ❤️

💚 Green light 💚

I have boy problems and I need some advice…

I’ve been seeing this one guy on/off for a couple of years. In the beginning it was just going out on dates and hanging out but after a year of that I had developed feelings way deeper than him so I wanted to take a break. The break lasted for about nine months.

We started seeing each other again in a more friendly manner. It took us many months to have sex again after the break. Ever since we’ve had this weird fwb/on/off relationship.

At this point I honestly don’t know how I feel about him anymore because we don’t really talk about our feelings and one of my friends just recently told me they see him as an opportunist who’s only taking advantage of me.

I have to add that we don’t have sex every time we see each other anymore (even when we sleep in the same bed) and even though I don’t know how I feel about him/the situation I feel like I know him well enough to argue against my friend. Also, all of my friends love him except that one friend. I want to rely on my own intuition about him since this friend of mine has only met him like 4 times over the past few years but I just can’t get their opinion out of my head.

What would you do in my situation? Or how would you communicate this to them when having trouble communicating??? Sounds weird, I know, but he’s the first person ever who I’ve put myself before (the break) and been sincere with. He’s always responded with respect. We’re just never talking about our feelings towards each other. I know he has his own issues but I think he and I could work things through.

I’m sorry if this is confusing. Believe me, at this point I am so fucking frustrated.

Aww, babe. I’m so sorry about this 🩷 I know you must be feeling so conflicted and torn. I’m sending you so much love and hugs.

It may be confusing to some, but, I’ve been in a very similar situation myself so this not only makes sense, but rings a bell. What I’ve learned is (and this may piss people off and I’m sure I’ll hear about it in my ask box lol) is that it’s possible for both things to be true. We may not want that to be the case because of course it would be easy to either say “he’s using me so fuck him” or “he’s a lovely saint of a person. No way.” I think with my and my ex? He liked me a whole lot. Sometimes this was clear from the way he treated me and spoke to me. BUT I also think there was an element of ego in it too. He enjoyed the fact that I’m a very select person who doesn’t really open up to many people and I opened up to him and liked him and I think that made him feel worthy or special. He liked the attention that I gave him cuz I was hopelessly in love with him and went above and beyond. So something he would come to me if he’s feeling down or whatever just cuz he knows he’s gonna be showered with love and care and support. He didn’t always return the favor. I always cared more than he did. It’s not like he didn’t like me or secretly talked about me behind my back or anything so patently cruel. He liked me. But I guess it’s hard not to like someone who treats you so good, you know? We also had a lot in common similar childhoods. We liked the same movies and books. So there was an ease to our hang outs and stuff. Like I think that’s why we were friends even when weren’t actively hooking up/ dating/ etc. and have stayed friends now that our relationship romantically exploded lol.

If it were me? I would get clarity from myself first. What do you feel? What do you want? Do you think you love him? Do you wanna be with him in like a long term monogamous romantic relationship (like beyond just sex and friendship)? Once you determine this, then it’s time to find out how he feels.

My one thing that I will emphasize is that when it came to my ex, he was always wishy-washy. When I would ask him how he felt about me he would say “it’s not like you’re over there having all these intense feelings and I’m completely dead inside." So you see how vague that is? It’s not an “I love you” or “I like you and want us to give this a real shot” or a “let’s date casually and see where we go from there.” It doesn’t say anything really. He and I were so intimate and so well connected that I kept making excuses for him. Told myself that he’s bad at communicating. He had a bad childhood (as did I) and is uncomfortable about romance. He’s a boy. Boys are shit when it comes to talking about feelings. Well he does treat me nice enough. He’s respectful so that’s something. I made all these excuses for him and kept ignoring my need for clarity, my desire for my love for him to be acknowledged and reciprocated. Until I just couldn’t take it anymore. It hurt so much and fucked with my mind and drained me emotionally. We “ended” things in 2018/2019 and it’s only a few months ago that I started to move on.

So, my suggestion would be, figure out what you want, then have a direct conversation about it with him. If he tried to get out of the conversation or if he’s vague and weird about it, that’s your answer. That tells you all that you need to know.

You deserve more than just nice enough or respectful. That’s the bare minimum. You deserve someone who’s committed and direct and doesn’t use you as a confidence boost or to compensate for insecurity. It’s hard. Hurts a lot. But you can’t ignore your own feelings just to prolong your relationship. It’s not worth the pain I promise.

Sending you lots and lots of hugs 💕💖💗 please let me know what you decide! (Only if you want to)

Do you have any ships for the other UA staff? And i really like how much world building you do with the main cast. Any headcannons for what everyone does outside of being teachers/heroes?

Eeyup I do, I've got ships for most of 1A and a few ships with some pro hereos (including OC ships)

A few new recent ships I've come to like are - Fukidashi x Kamikiri, Kuroiro x komori and Rin x Aoyama. For the latter I saw a piece of fanart for this ship a while ago and I thought it was cool, I didn't have a ship for either of these characters before and both have been growing on me, IDK if I will ever make their ship cannon, but interactions are fun to think about with them

And thank you! I'm glad you like my work world building with the characters, honestly world building and thinking of headcannons are one of my fav past times - it's fun to dicuss and think about!

Since you said teacers/heroes I'm just gonna do the UA staff for now but if you want headcannons on anyone else feel free to ask!

-So Aizawa, outside of school work and planning training exercises, obvs he's a cat dad. I imagine he sometimes takes his paperwork to cat cafe's which he frequents often

-Mic's got his radio station to run but aside from that I take him to be a decorator. The kind of man to pick up random quirky stuff from the shop shelves and bring it home, he probably has a section in his and Aizawa's home dedicated to odd trinkets he's collected over the years. Aizawa has tried to stop him cuz it's 'useless junk' - but he had a change of heart when Mic brought home a cat themed sleeping eye mask

-I've already said this somewhere but Midnight goes out on girl nights with MT Lady and Uwambi. Jeanist tagged along one time because Uwambi said she could do Midnight's hair better then him, Jeanist tagged along only to defend his honour. Now Jeanist is an honorary member of their beauty gang. More often then not Jeanist is the one to keep them out of trouble, but Midnight knows he enjoy's it

-Snipe prolly likes to go home and have a snooze in a deck chair, out in the sun with his hat over his face. If he ain't snoozing I imagine he's taking care of his animals - Snipe has a horse no you can't make me think differently. Midnight's actually kinda scared of his horse, but Snipe babies her so much. He treats the horse like it's a dog half the time, Snipe loves his horsie

-Ectoplasm I imagine just likes to have a calm evening in front of the TV or read a book, on special occasions he goes out to karaoke with the rest of the teachers and he's always the best one there singing.

-Powerloader tinkers with stuff, he has a draw at his and Ecto's apartment filled with this and that, old machinery parts and gears, blue prints for old projects he never got round to finishing. Ecto has to persuade him every now and then to take a break from tinkering, a good night curled up on the sofa under a blanket with your bf is also a pass time Powerloader is always up for

-Thirteen I don't have many ideas for, I take her to be the type to love all things space themed to match with her hero suit. I take her to be the type to do star gazing if it's a clear night or to watch space themed documentarys

-Cementoss likes to read, with his hands being bigger for the use of his quirk he sadly can't do many other activities as his large fingers make it harder. He's come to enjoy books of all genres

-Blood king is a dog dad, he's got a dog. I think he's very soft with his dog, he tries to put up an intimidating act in front of his students, but he's a softie for his dog. Takes him on a walk after work around UA grounds. He also goes to bars sometimes with Hounddog

-Hounddog likes to have a beer and watch TV, sometimes he'll go to a bar with Vlad on special occasions. He's become used to city life, but sometimes he likes to just go on a wonder into the woods around UA to be by himself for a little bit

Survey #402

“there’s a space kept in hell with your name on the seat  /  with a spike in the chair just to make it complete”

Have you ever had any really infected injuries? Not an injury, per se, but I've had at least one ear piercing get infected during the healing process. Shit sucks ass. Are you popular on any websites? No. What was the last song you listened to? "Savior" by SWARM. Are you considered popular at school? I wasn't. If you could host your own talk show, would you do it? No. I've got nothing interesting to talk about. If you were starving would you eat food out of a garbage can? I honestly don't know if I could with how squeamish I am about sharing food, even with family. And we're talking about sharing food that's been in the TRASH. Do you know anyone who has changed their first name? I do. Which one of your senses would you be the most devastated to lose? I THINK hearing. I hate silence, so that would just be... haunting. I want to be able to hear people's voices and other sounds. Do you know anyone who has been on life support, and survived? I have no idea. Do your parents have a strong relationship together? God no. They're divorced for a reason. Have you ever read any of Charles Darwin’s works? No. If there was such a thing as a mental health first aid kit, what would you want to be in it? Some ice cream and a Mountain Dew bc I'm an emotional eater, my "graduation" pebble from my partial hospitalization program to remember how far I've come, some cold water to run over my face (or drink), my iPod for music and phone to watch YouTube, a nice, big blanket to turn into a burrito in... that kind of stuff. If you’re in a relationship, are you happy? And if you’re single, are you looking for someone? I'm not actively searching for anyone, no. What is something that people make fun of you for? Always being on the computer. It makes me EXTREMELY self-conscious, and I really wish people would keep their mouths shut about it. Which supermarket do you like to shop at? Wal-Mart. Have you ever been told that your boyfriend/girlfriend wasn’t good enough for you? In the past. Do you think it’s okay to flirt with someone that’s already taken, as long as it goes no further? Fuck no. Do you struggle to say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do? YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP. Someone attractive is staring at you. What do you do? Probably just kinda smile and blush and look down/away. Are you friends with someone a lot of people dislike? *shrug* Favorite photo search engine? Tumblr for gifs, Google or Pinterest for still images, depending on what I'm looking for. Do you doggie paddle or actually swim in a pool? I'll do both, I think? It's been too long since I've swum. Ever made a snow angel? Ye-ep. Would you ever take up smoking? No. I like having operational lungs. Do you laugh at racial jokes? No. Hate to break it to ya, but they're not funny. Book series you enjoyed reading recently? I've been loving Wings of Fire by Tui T. Sutherland, even if I'm reading very slowly. My psychiatrist has given me a new way to approach my hobbies I have difficulty engaging in, so I'm hoping if I keep it up, my rate of reading will speed up! Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? Ahaha, yeah... "a," "s," and "d." A true gamer. How "w" is still alive, I couldn't tell ya. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Sour Punch Straws, probably. The red ones, in specific. Last person you texted? My mom. What did you learn from your first job? That I can't work with people. Favorite website from your childhood? I was a Webkinz A D D I C T. Least favorite flavor of food or drink? Cranberry came to mind very quickly. Least favorite pattern? uhhhhhhh Favorite potato food? Either French fries or Lays wavy potato chips. PC or console gaming? I grew up as a console gamer, so I'm kinda biased. Writing or drawing? Don't make me choose!! I get more satisfaction out of drawing something I'm proud of, but I do way more writing. Who would you put before everyone else? My mom, probably. Lamps, overhead lights, fairy lights, or sunlight? Fairy lights are so cute. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? I shit you not, none. What is your third favourite colour? Hm. Maybe rose gold, or lilac. Can you remember your first phone? If so, what kind was it? I'm really not sure, but I WANT to say it was one of those slide-y, compact Blueberry ones? Who is your favourite character from Alice in Wonderland? The Cheshire Cat has always been very alluring to me. What is the last thing you looked up online? The definition to a word just to ensure I was using it correctly. Have you ever had your fortune read? No. I ain't wasting time or money on that shit. Can you read tarot cards? If you couldn't guess from above, I have zero faith in this kinda stuff, so I don't care to learn. Do you prefer lemons or limes? Lemons. I like lime flavoring in some stuff, though. Are your expecting anything in the mail? No. What would you like to see out of your window everyday instead of what you see now? The forest. Do you own a camera? I do, a Canon EOS Rebel T6. Have you ever written a special note in a book? Yes. Early into our relationship, Jason lent me a book to read, and I wrote a lil love letter in it for him. Do you have any artistic talents? I mean I like to think I'm a good writer and a decent artist. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT with Girt. It was fun because he's a horror pansy, haha. He did fine, though. What would you do if you found out you were pregnant? Freak the fuck out because I haven't had sex in many years, so that thing's coming the fuck out 'cuz it obviously ain't natural. Favorite thing to get at McDonalds? Look man, I'm shameless, I love me a Quarter Pounder w/ cheese. Plus some fries. :x Do you know anyone named Alex? I know multiple people named Alex, actually. Whose house did you last sleep over at? Sara's. In other words, it's been a loooong time.Would you ever record yourself having sex? God no. Like zero judgment to the people that do, but I get NOTHING out of watching others "do it." I've never actually tried watching porn, but I couldn't have less interest. I know I'd hate it, and a lot. Did the vacuum scare you as a child? I don't think it did, anyway. Have you or would you ever use a dating app? One of my most embarrassing secrets is that I was briefly on Christian Mingle. It makes me want to cringe into fucking oblivion. Who are you most nervous about introducing potential significant others to? My dad. He's... a character. What was the most important non-academic thing you learned in high school? That time fucking flies, so cherish every millisecond. Do you and your friends ever talk about your sex lives? Not really. Even when I was sexually active, I was private about that stuff. I don't care if others talk to me about theirs, but odds are I'm not saying much about myself. What were the best and worst interviews you’ve ever had? What made them so good/bad? I've never had a bad interview, but I mean, I've only had I wanna say four in my whole life. None were anything special either, though. Ever put someone else in the hospital? No. Have you ever sold anything on eBay? If so, what? No. What is the best surprise you have ever had? Finding a container of puppy chow underneath the Christmas tree one year. It was my parents' way of telling me we were getting a dog (which I had been nagging them about FOREVER), and next came Teddy. <3 I miss my boy. Is someone in love with you? I wouldn't know. Ever kiss someone on the first date? No. Ever sleep with someone on the first date? That's a hard no. Do you wear cologne/perfume/aftershave regularly? No. Do you snore? No, actually. Pretty astonishing for someone with such severe sleep apnea. When is the last time someone else slept in your bed? When Sara last visited. How often do you dust? Not... nearly enough as I'm supposed to. Mom gets on me about it all the time. What is the most ‘extreme’ activity you have ever done? Ha, nothing wild, I assure you. I guess riding a four-wheeler through the woods once with our former neighbors, who were good friends of ours.. Have you ever rode on a mobility scooter/wheelchair just for fun? Um, no? That's a jackass thing to do. Some people actually need those. Who’s the most controlling person you know? OH MY FUCKING GOD. OUR FAMILY FRIEND TOBEY. EASILY. She seizes control of EVERY situation, even if she has no right to be involved in it. Does anyone keep a photo of you in their purse/wallet, and if so, who? Not to my knowledge. Do you own a microphone? No. Do you enjoy trailers at the cinema? I do! I like arriving in time to see them. Have you ever been burgled? No, thankfully. Have you ever entered anything into Urban Dictionary? If so, what? No. What’s the last live performance you watched on TV? No idea. Have you ever been embarrassed to buy something from a shop? Not to my recollection. It helps that I'm not the one buying things, like ever. What’s the name of one of your friends’ dogs? Buster! :') He's a precious lil bean. Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. A GIANT CENTIPEDE. That's one pet in the invert community that I have ZERO interest in EVER owning. Those bitches are scary. Have you ever needed to wear a tie? If so, when/why? Nope.

About Me Tag

This seems like fun! (: Thanks for tagging me @cheolliewrites​

name: My name is Nicole. Fun fact, my name was supposed to be Janelle, but my dad was obsessed with Nicole Kidman at the time, so he decided to change my name last minute lol.

nicknames: It really depends on who’s calling me. My family and VERY close friends call me Nikki, my coworkers call me by my last name, which is Tacos (yes like 🌮), some call me Nic, Nikita, Nikka, Nini, Collie, or Ate (cuz i’m the oldest or one of the oldest on either side of my family, and with my friend group)

sign: I’m a Scorpio 😊♏️

height: Officially, I am 4′11.75″. But for dating apps and performance auditions, I’m 5 ft lol

languages: Even though I was born and raised in California, my first language is actually Tagalog. I’m still fluent in it cuz I try to speak it as often as possible with my family and some friends. I also speak English and Spanish, and am currently learning French and Korean. I do want to learn more Asian languages and other Filipino dialects (my mom’s family is from Pampanga and I wanna learn their dialect)

nationality: I’m of American Nationality, but of Filipino ethnicity 🇵🇭

favorite season: California really only has one season, which is sunny with a bit of rain. So summer has always been my favorite season cuz I love the beach and going out with friends and being in the sun. But lately, aesthetic-wise I’m definitely an Autumn person. We just don’t get to experience real Autumn here very often. 

favorite flower: I’m actually not much of a flower person, but I’ve always been a fan of tulips.  

favorite scent: I have 3 that I tend to go for. One is the beachy scent like I’m walking along the shore and it’s just a nice summer scent. I also like citrus scents, but not super citrus. Kinda like a lemon tree type scent. The third is more of a smoky, rose-floral scent, with a hint of musk. 

favorite color: Green. Hands down will always be my favorite color. Neon, olive, mint, teal, forest. Any shade really. Cuz it works for all seasons. 

favorite animal: Elephants 🥰🐘

coffee, tea, or hot chocolate? Coffee in the morning, tea at night, hot chocolate for a midday pick-me-up

average amount of sleep: between 6 and 8 for me cuz I’m a night person and do most of my reading, me-time activities at night, but I have to be productive throughout the day and I still work hehe 🥴😅

dogs or cats: Dogs! I have/had 3 dogs (one recently passed away) and they were all adopted from shelters 😊

dream trip: South Korea and Japan during summer/autumn with friends, or Ireland/Europe during Christmas time. Germany has beautiful Christmas markets that I miss going to.

number of blankets: To sleep with? one large comforter, but I LOVE throw blankets. I have 2 as of now cuz my dog ripped up my other one 😭

blog est: I honestly don’t remember when I started this blog, but I had a tumblr since I was in middle school, back in 2006. 

random fact: I’m an Anthropologist. I graduated with a BA in Anthropology back in 2016, and i’m still figuring out what I want to do with the degree, but it’s most likely in Business. I am also a party planner and have worked for events and weddings for 2 years. TBH, I’ve dipped my toe in almost everything in terms of customer service, events, hospitality, travel, and even tutoring biology. So... if you have questions about those things, let me know 😅😅

Sleep Tight For Me...I’m Gone

Lately I’ve been writing these Better Days Are A Toenail Away™️ posts in Microsoft Word, selecting all and changing the font to Garamond, which is so readable and beautiful, and posting the Word docs, paragraphs by paragraph, inside these Tumblr drafts. It makes things look nice, to my old fashioned sensibilities, but fixing errors is a time-consuming and needlessly convoluted four-step process.

First, I have to copy, then delete the paragraph containing the error. Then I open the doc. and paste the error-ridden paragraph back into Word. After I find and fix the error, I need to save it and copy and paste it back into the post. It's time-consuming because I’m not just copying a paragraph. As you can see from more recent post, what I copied looked more like a photograph of the paragraph, not the words themselves written in Tumblr’s default font Arial. For an example of this, see below. I like the way it looks like old newspaper clippings. I posted an article about how my fent dealer John Smith kept getting robbed, and had resorted to putting a machete in front of his front door as a way of preventing this, a lever of sorts, which is plainly visible in the video I posted,

So today I’ve given up on trying to make my posts look like books or zines, and have given into the Tumblr font, which is about as pretty as a horse with his snout shot off.

There are two much longer posts I’m working on right now, one about Nirvana and one about Soundgarden, respectively, and how both bands were very unlike their public perception, but those posts are taking a lot of work so I’m putting them on the backburner because today is some dumbass corporation’s day where it tries to synthesize mental health and profit and the end result is as baldly capitalist and clumsy as you would expect. 

I’m not gonna name the company, or repeat their stupid fucking slogan. As far as I can tell (which isn't very far), talking about my trauma has never made me feel better. And in fact it has sometimes made me feel worse, because in telling you what hurts and scares me, I’ve given a part of myself away that I can’t get back. When you’re like me, and you’ve lost everything multiple times, sometimes the only form of power you have is how you choose, or do not choose, to tell your story. And in a world where everybody wants to tell “their truth,” silence is power. 

You don’t get to know me, sorry. I’m not gonna hand you my life, both my bad and good experiences, and conclude: “Welp, that’s why I’m so fucked up. Case closed.” 

Honestly, I used to be a little confused, or miffed that my former partner (who is an amazing person btw, in every respect) almost never spoke about some of the traumatic things she’d experienced in her past. I took it as a sign that she either didn’t trust me, or she didn’t think I would be a sympathetic listener, or the mere fact of my gender precluded her from sharing because I couldn’t truly understand what it was she had gone through. It’s not like I ever asked her to talk about it, but I did say, once or twice, “hey if you ever wanna talk about that stuff, I’m around.” She never took me up on it, and I let it go. 

But as I watched her, and saw her life unfold, over the years we spent together, I began to realize I wasn’t exactly in any position to be telling her how to live her life or how to be mentally healthy. After all, she has found success in a number of avenues, both creative and occupational, and I’ve found neither. I'm not saying the fact that she didn't talk much about her trauma is the reason for her success. I'm saying that she's forged a better path through life than I have, and maybe I should take a cue from that.

She never told me what to do, per se. It was more like living by example. But because I’m pretty dense, and a severe addict, our time together actually sorta reminds me now of that Cornell lyric from his first record: She’s going to change the world. But she can’t change me.

I have certainly found that talking about how shitty my life is only makes me feel more shitty, not free, or unburdened, or better. If you wanna talk about your problems, and you find it helpful, more power to you. Just don’t wait for a corporation to tell you it’s okay to not be okay. 

When Chris Cornell died I was so shocked. Of all the grunge icons he seemed the most stable, and he'd survived the rise and fall of two major label rock bands. If anyone had survived the media machine that chewed up and spat out Staley, Cobain, and to a lesser extent Andrew Wood and Shannon Hoon, it was Cornell. He would be the last guy to support hashtag activism like #StarbucksMyLifeSucks. Chris Cornell actually loved to fuck with the best laid plans of corporate rats. Molson once had a few promotional concerts in Tuktoyaktuk, Northwest Territories, called Molson Canadian Rocks Arctic, with both Hole and Soundgarden playing to a crowd of flown-in grunge fans and bemused locals. But the whole anti-corporate thing grunge was known for actually came through when Courtney Love told the crowd she “use[d] Molson Canadian to douche.” Lol. Here’s a photo of Love arriving in Tuktoyatuk.

Cornell told the same people “so we’re here because of some beer company? Labatt’s?” Both artists’ jabs are funny. Cornell’s was a bit more subtle, but that’s what Cornell was like. 

So today’s post is about Chris Cornell’s suicide, more specifically the media’s reaction to it. For whatever reason, when Cornell died, every single news outlet, from CNN to Fox to CBC, posted “Black Hole Sun,” as if it’s the only song he ever fucking wrote, or – and this is far worse – the only song he wrote that’s worth hearing. The problem with this is more than twofold or threefold. It's fucking hydraheaded. 

Not only is “Black Hole Sun” a mediocre piece of music, it’s a complete misrepresentation of Soundgarden’s sound. 

Now, I’m a huge fan of the A.V. Club series HateSong, in which public figures gleefully talk shit about the one song they hate more than any other song in the world. The Max Bemis (Say Anything) one where he talks about Nirvana’s “Rape Me” as a terrible rewrite of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is terrific, but comedian Anthony Jeselnik’s HateSong takes “Black Hole Sun” apart, and I love it. I think the best line is: I think the more I hear it, the worse it gets. AVC: After the song became a huge hit, Chris Cornell said that he’d written it in about 15 minutes. AJ: I totally believe that. I don’t believe that Soundgarden likes that song. Like, I remember Eminem once said that he knew his song “My Name Is” was going to be a huge hit because the first time he heard it he was annoyed. It’s something about an annoying song that just grabs onto people. But I don’t think that anyone likes “Black Hole Sun.” I’ve never heard of anyone who likes it. I don’t understand why it gets played so much. It’s become a summer jam, and it’s not a summer song at all. Jeselnik is right that Soundgarden didn’t think much of the song. Guitarist Kim Thayil wasn’t kidding when he disparagingly called it the “Dream On” of their live show. And Cornell himself, known for a meticulous approach to his songwriting, had admitted that with “Black Hole Sun”was “probably the closest to me just playing with words for words’ sake, of anything I’ve written. I guess it worked for a lot of people who heard it, but I have no idea how you'd begin to take that one literally.” I mean it’s obvious from the opening lines that Cornell is just playing with words and how they sound: in my eyes/indisposed/in disguises no one knows What songs would have been more appropriate for Cornell’s untimely death? Glad you asked! Cuz there’s like…fucking at least ten that would have been better. I’m not tryna be one of those “the deep album cuts are better maaaaaan,” but with Soundgarden, it happens to be true. With some bands, the single are their best work. With other bands, the singles are the hors d’oeuvres for the entrees. So what deep cuts would have celebrated Cornell’s death a bit better? Well, to begin with, Superunknown’s strange and stately closer “Like Suicide” would have worked, for obvious reasons.

“Tighter and Tighter,” a song that is actually about the moment of death and what it might feel like, is one of my all-time fav Soundgarden songs. Not only is it a creepy and prescient prediction of what Cornell’s death by hanging himself may have felt like, it’s opening line is a good description of the personification of death: Shadow face/Blowing smoke and talking wind

Another sample lyric: “A sucking holy wind will take me from this bed tonight/and bloody wits another hits me and I have to say goodbye/sleep tight for me, I’m gone/and I hope it’s  a sweet ride/here for me tonight/cuz I’m feel I’m going/feel I’m slowing down.” 

The morning after Cornell’s death hit the news my buddy and bandmate James told me that en route to work his phone, which was playing music randomly through his car speakers, landed on “Tighter and Tighter” and he had to pull over because he was tearing up. 

“Fell On Black Days” is another song about depression and mortality. Cornell had the following to say about the song: “Fell on Black Days” was like this ongoing fear I’ve had for years ... It's a feeling that everyone gets. You're happy with your life, everything’s going well, things are exciting—when all of a sudden you realize you’re unhappy in the extreme, to the point of being really, really scared. There's no particular event you can pin the feeling down to, it's just that you realize one day that everything in your life is fucked! 

Now, if that’s not a cogent and even-tempered explanation of suicidal thoughts, what is? Why else would Cornell have admitted to being “really really scared” by his depression unless he knew what that depression could ultimately leasd to? Here’s some lyrics to “Fell on Black Days.” Dig the high literary use of “whomsoever” and “whatsoever.” Whatsoever I’ve feared has come to life Whatsoever I fought off became my life Just when every day seemed to greet me with a smile sunspots have faded and now I’m doing time cuz I fell on black days

Whomsoever I’ve cured I’ve sickened now Whomsoever I’ve cradled...I put you down I’m a searchlight soul they say but I can’t see it in the night I’m only faking when I get it right I sure don’t mind a change but I fell on black days how would I know that this could be my fate?

Eagle-eared listeners might think this version different from the album version. They are right. The rendition in the video was recorded live off the floor @ Bad Animals, the Seattle studio owned by Heart, where Soundgarden would record Down on the Upside. 

“Boot Camp” is a scary meditation about loss of agency that for years was tied with Zeppelin’s “I'm Gonna Crawl” for Creepiest Song to Cap a Discography, until Soundgarden reunited and released King Animal.

“Taree” is about ghost light, influencing events after dying and features Cornell’s most exhausted, convincing “yeah” @ 2:57.

“Applebite” is a Matt Cameron-penned ponderous clunker about Adam’s original expulsion from Eden. Doomy and death-laden.

“Let Me Drown” is a song about letting someone die.

“The Day I Tried To Live” is frequently cited as Soundgarden’s finest achievement, its odd time signature somehow sounds straight, thanks to Matt Cameron’s brilliant time keeping.

“4th of July” is a song about a post apocalyptic urban landscape, where the speaker isn’t sure whether he is seeing fireworks or bombs. 

“Limo Wreck” is a cool death song and has an eerie 9-11 prediction. “Building the towers belongs to the sky/when the whole thing comes crashing down don’t ask me why.” 

ANY of the above songs would have been better than that fucking asinine dirge-like major key fuckaround that has somehow not just become Soundgarden's signature song...but their ONLY song. 

Does nobody remember Johnny Cash covering “Rusty Cage?” 

“Outshined?”

“Burden In My Hand?”

“Blow Up The Outside World?”

Did none of these other songs get stuck in the electric head? (The electric head is Rob Zombie’s term for the technologically advanced culture we have found ourselves enmeshed in, or imprisoned by. It was the subtitle for White Zombie’s 1995 hit album Astro-Creep 2000: Songs of Love, Destruction, and other Synthetic Delusions of the Electric Head.)

For my money (which ain’t much honey), the song that best fits both Cornell’s artistic integrity and the sad circumstances of his suicide is “Tighter and Tighter.” I once wrote a whole article on the way artists use “yeah” as a placeholder or as a way to convey emotion when words themselves aren’t adequate. Dig that tired, world-weary exhausted “yeah” at 5:35 of “Tighter & Tighter.”

Or the creepy line going into the first chorus: remember this...remember everything’s just black or burning sun. Not that I agree with such a bleak worldview. It’s a writer’s line. And Randy Bachman has said, “when you’re a writer, you’d step over your own mother.” That’s the Cornell I want to remember. Not that he would step over his own mother. By all accounts he was a committed family man. I mean, I want to remember the Cornell who created strange atmospheric sonic worlds, who explored the dark side that sadly, eventually won out. His otherworldly beautiful music is what I choose to remember about Chris Cornell, not his estate tastelessly exploiting “Black Hole Sun” by using a line from the song to title a posthumous Cornell album of covers No One Sings Like You Anymore. Sigh.

First Cornell’s widow said this was “Chris’s last album.” Okay. What about the Soundgarden songs he recorded vocals for before he died? Kim Thayil was pretty diplomatic about it when asked recently. Cornell did record vocal tracks for the follow up to King Animal.

Kim Thayil: “Given our love for Chris, I do not see us reconfiguring without him.”

But he makes it clear in this interview that Cornell’s widow Vicky has those tracks and won’t release them to the band. Maybe because she blames the band for Chris dying that night? She’s not wrong to believe that they would have known, and seen, what kind of shape Cornell was in, at least at the venue, maybe not later at the hotel.

Kim Thayil: “It’s entirely possible that a new Soundgarden album will be released. Certainly. All it would need is to take the audio files that are available. I tighten up the guitars. Ben does the bass. We get the producers we want to make it sound like a Soundgarden record.”

Interviewer: “Is there an obstacle stopping that?”

Kim Thayil: “There shouldn’t be. There really isn’t. Other than the fact that we don’t have those files.”

Interviewer: “They’re not under your auspices?”

Kim Thayil: “Right. It would be ridiculous if [the record wasn’t made]. But these are difficult things. Partnerships and...property.”

You’re just gonna keep those wav files? And why title his covers album Volume 1 if it’s his “last album?”

Oh right. $$$

No one does sing like Cornell, but is “Black Hole Sun” really the best thing he ever did? The best song he ever sang? Should an album of covers be the last thing he gives to the world?

The only honest answer is no.

Sleep tight Chris. You’re gone.

Uhh tag game! I was tagged by @defender-of-wilderness​. Thanks! This seems fun

Rules: Answer 17 questions and then tag 17 people (I do not know that many people)

Nickname: Uhhh I don’t really have a nickname? Just my preferred name: Logan

Zodiac: Scorpio

Height: 5′10″. So tall but not really, yknow?

Hogwarts house: Slytherin

Last thing I googled: A specific error code for the PS4, I kinda thought it died on my tonight (it didnt!)

Song stuck in my head: That Tiktok audio that just goes “oh no, oh no, oh no no nono no”

Number of followers: 590. Ngl that’s a lot more than I was expecting but I also never check my follower count anymore cuz I always assume new followers are bots (sorry if any of you are real people I’ve just been here since 2010 and have accepted the bots running rampant at this point)

Amount of sleep: Uhhh usually I get like, 6-7 hours of sleep? Which is not ideal, I’m one of those people who either needs 10 hours of sleep or 3, and anything in between makes me hella tired all day

Lucky number: 4, its part of my gamertag (lame I know) and has been for so long I kinda just use it for everything

Dream job: I actually use my degree and work for Naughty Dog or Bethesda making 3D models for video games

Wearing: Overwatch pajama pants and a black I Prevail band t-shirt

Favorite song: This changes every couple months but right now I’d say it’s Resentment by A Day to Remember

Favorite instrument: Uhhh probably guitar

Favorite author: Okay so like I don’t really read that often but my fav book was written by David Wong so I’m gonna go with him

Favorite animal noise: That little chirpy noise cats make when they’re sleeping and you touch them (I call it their activation sound)

Random: Random? Like about me? I’m gonna go with something random about me. Uhhh I’m partially colorblind, uhhh in high school someone broke my ribs and they didn’t heal right so now they’re uneven. One time I climbed up the leg of a water tower. Uhhh yeah thats all I got

Have a recent pic: My cat making a stupid face

Uhhh yeah this was super fun actually. I don’t know 17 people to tag so I’m gonna go with @discipleofthe10thmuse​ @charlotte-just-charlotte​ @braveheartdarlings​ @elphabaforpresidentofgallifrey​ and if I didn’t tag you and you wanna do it anyway then do it! have fun

What Defines Us - Ch. 24

We’ve reached the halfway point of the story!

Link on ff.net!

If anyone wanted to see the phrase ‘helicopter parent’ in action, they could come over and experience the combined helicopterness of Yang, Blake, and Weiss.  It was incredible!  The loud whomp whomp whomp of spinning blades filled the air, following Ruby wherever she went - into the garage, into the kitchen, even in the bathroom she could hear it!  Well, not really because it wasn’t a real sound, but it was practically a sound by now!

Blake and/or Yang hardly left her side and, if they did, she could still feel one of them watching her closely.  Or trying to not closely watch her closely.  Like maybe she wouldn’t notice them pretending to read or watch a movie while keeping an eye on her instead.  And maybe she wouldn’t notice how they kind of stalked her around the house.  

The forever-stalking was extra creepy at night with Blake’s glowy cat eyes.  Once or twice, Ruby made the mistake of glancing down the hallway on her way to bed and nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw glowing eyes in the distance.  They either belonged to Blake or a ghost, but she was too scared to find out which!  

On top of the Glue Crew (Ruby’s new nickname for Yang and Blake since they stuck to her like glue), Weiss was sending nearly constant messages asking how Ruby was doing.  Seriously, Weiss checked in at least once every hour, sometimes twice every hour.  

Not that Ruby minded the extra attention from Weiss...it was nice that they were thinking about each other so often!  Maybe Weiss was primarily worried about Ruby’s health and wellbeing, but Ruby could pretend that that was the same thing...she was great at pretending things.

But seriously, she’d had the equivalent of a bad headache!  And then she might’ve passed out or whatever, and they might’ve had to use the little laser on her again - but come on!  A pack of ice and pat on the back probably would’ve had her up and running in no time.  Nope!  She had to go to the hospital and that meant more tests and medicine and yadda yadda.  The doctors used big words that she didn’t understand, so she spent most of her time nodding even though she had no idea what they were talking about.  Why couldn’t they just call her brain a brain?  Why were there different names for simple things?

Now she was perfectly fine, but everyone was treating her like she might explode at any minute.  Apparently, she’d earned a new nickname - Ticking Time Bomb Ruby.  

Why wasn’t she in charge of her own nicknames?  She was way better at coming up with them than Yang.

On the slightly-really horrible side, after talking to the doctor Yang had banned Ruby from any and all physical activity for the next few days.  Which sucked!  But it was just a precaution to make sure her brain shrank a bit before she worked it up again.  Who would’ve thought people would wish for her brain to shrink?  Certainly not her grade school teachers…

Barred from physical activity, forced to get a decent amount of sleep every night, and given another pill bottle to add to her tower.  This one would be a cinch - no side effects, only a handful of pills, no problem!  She could take them all at once!  But that was highly not recommended.  

There was good news in the midst of the crummy news though!  

Unlike before - when Ruby had to twiddle her thumbs when she wasn’t allowed to train - now she had a friend to talk to!  Thankfully, Weiss seemed more than happy to chat whenever Ruby wanted, so her days of mandatory rest would pass quickly.  And, as soon as the time was up, she was going to beg Blake to practice with her again.  After going on one hunt, she wanted to go on more.  A somewhat-suspect brain wasn’t enough to stop her!

Glancing at the time, Ruby tossed her scroll on the bed and headed out of her room so she could catch Blake and Yang before they left for the night.  Once in the hallway, she walked to the kitchen.  Walked.

Walking was soooo slowwww.  It was such a waste of time!  If she moved faster, she’d get to the kitchen faster and have more time to do other things!  But Yang had specifically banned Ruby from using her semblance and had even set a speed limit in the house - anything more than a walk and Ruby had to organize all of Yang’s shoes, which was not something she ever wanted to do.  

So she was walking everywhere.  And they didn’t need a bigger house because this one was already way too freaking big.  

When she finally made it to the kitchen (about a decade later), she found Blake and Yang putting away the dishes from dinner.  Well, Blake was putting away dishes while Yang held onto her and whispered into her ear, making her laugh about something.

“The doctors didn’t permanently attach your hand to Blake, did they?” Ruby joked, drawing their attention her way.

“Why yes they did,” Yang replied with a grin, refusing to remove her hand from Blake’s side.  When Blake tried to move away, Yang clasped onto a handful of her shirt to keep her in place.  “They said it was medically necessary for my survival.  And ya know what?  I’ve never felt better.”  

Ruby rolled her eyes at Yang’s overjoyed smile.  Her sister was impossible to tease, as usual.  No matter what Ruby said, Yang could always turn it around and make it some sort of weird compliment.  

But something was up with them.  They’d been extra fond of each other recently...and that was saying something since they were normally extra fond of each other.

“What’s up with you two?” Ruby asked after Yang stole a kiss while Blake wasn’t paying attention, making her ears twitch in surprise.

“What do you mean?” Blake asked, her cheeks blushing a soft red.

“You're like...extra lovey-dovey with each other.”

“I’m not allowed to love my girlfriend?” Yang asked, sharing a warm smile with Blake.

Shaking her head, Ruby decided that she probably didn’t want to know what was up with them.  For all she knew, they were celebrating some sort of anniversary that should not be shared with siblings or any other family members.  No thanks.  Her ears didn’t need to bleed today!  Then they’d probably rush her back to the hospital, and they’d have to start this whole thing all over again.

“How are you feeling?”  Somehow, Blake managed to peel her attention away from Yang just long enough to ask Ruby that question.

“Good as new!”  Flashing two thumbs up, Ruby grinned.  “I feel like I could run a whole marathon and not get tired!”

“That’s great!  Cuz I’ve been meaning to organize my shoes forever.”  

Ruby stuck her tongue out at her sister when Yang laughed.

“I’m not gonna run around!  But I feel fine,” Ruby added before glancing at the clock over the stove.  “Shouldn’t you be leaving soon?  I thought the concert was in an hour!”

“It is.  And yes, we should be,” Blake answered before giving Yang a playful shove towards their room.

Tonight was the night of the Achievemen concert Weiss gave Yang tickets to.  Thankfully, Blake had convinced Yang not to blast the albums on repeat all day long - something about how Blake didn’t want Yang to ‘wear out’ the songs before they heard the live versions.  And there may have been a more violent threat whispered right after that, but it had been too low for Ruby to hear.  It made Yang more than willing to agree though!

“This is gonna be the best night ever,” Yang said with a smile.  “Just me, Blake, and backstage passes to meet the Achievemen.  We’ll be close enough to see them sweat!  Isn’t that awesome??”

The look on Blake’s face said that that was not at all awesome, but she nodded anyway.  

When Yang got excited like this, her mood was impossible to dampen.  A fire hose wouldn’t even be enough to calm her down.  Ruby would love to try that out though, just in case.  But it probably wouldn’t work, and then Yang would be mad that Ruby sprayed her with a fire hose.

“We even get to meet them after the show!  Gonna get some autographs for sure,” Yang continued happily.  “Next time you’ve gotta come, Ruby.  You’d have a -”

The sentence abruptly cut off as Yang’s smile fell.

“Oh shoot!  We need someone to watch Ruby if we’re gonna be gone!” Yang said, turning to Blake with an expression of concern.

“Yangggg, come on - I don’t need a babysitter!” Ruby whined.  “I can take care of myself!”

“Uh huh...and what’re you gonna do if your brain tries to explode itself again?” Yang retorted.  

“I’m pretty sure that won’t happen!”

“How sure?”

“I’m not a doctor!” Ruby replied, throwing her hands in the air in exasperation.  

Following the conversation, Blake tapped her fingers thoughtfully against the countertop before intervening.

“I’m sure Weiss would be willing to come over,” she suggested.  Ruby’s eyes widened at the idea - which was genius.  Leave it to Blake to figure out the best solution ever.

“That’d be pretty cool if Weiss came over!” Ruby quipped, her happy endorsement making Yang smirk.

“Oh really?  What was all that whining for then?”

Furrowing her brow, Ruby nodded her head as if she was seriously pondering her sister’s words.  “I’ve reconsidered that, and...I think it would be a good idea to have someone here.  Just in case.”

When Blake shook her head and Yang laughed, Ruby couldn’t help but smile.

“Ok, short stack.”  Yang reached out and tried to rustle Ruby’s hair, but Ruby successfully dodged out of the way.  “Why don’t you see if Weiss can come over now?”

Grinning at the question, she almost used her semblance to blast to her room to retrieve her scroll.  But she didn’t.  She walked quickly.  Which was still so freaking slow.  At this pace, the concert would be over by the time she reached her room, and then she’d never get to see Weiss.

It took a gazillion steps to get out of the kitchen and another quadrillion to make it down the hall, but she eventually made it to her room.  Grabbing her scroll off the bed, she typed out a quick message.

‘Blake and Yang won’t leave for the concert unless someone is here to watch me.  Can you come over?’

She only waited a few seconds for Weiss’ response to arrive - a very succinct ‘On my way.’  Weiss always had such concise answers.  Even her messages were tidy - it was cute!  

Er, it was...interesting.  Which apparently meant the same thing as cute these days.

Beaming at what had unexpectedly become an awesome evening, Ruby decided to keep the scroll with her so that she wouldn’t have to cross Remnant to get it again.  After another full day of walking, she flounced into the living room and caught her sister and Blake at the end of a kiss.  

“She’s on her way!” Ruby announced, but her presence did nothing to put space between them.  

Jeez...what happened to the days when they’d separate a little bit?  Not that she cared - they were in love and happy.  It was just weird to remember that there was actually a time when they’d acted completely different around her.  

A lot had changed since then.  

Ending the kiss and playing with Blake’s hair, Yang smirked and rolled her eyes at Ruby’s news.  “Of course she’ll drop everything to get here right away...” she muttered.

“But someone will be here to watch Ruby,” Blake replied, taking Yang’s hand and pulling her towards their bedroom.  “So now we can get ready to leave.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say someone is excited to see the Achievemen!” Yang called out, allowing Blake to pull her down the hallway.  Ruby laughed at the idea that anyone but Yang liked that band, but she couldn’t hear Blake’s muffled response.  She could imagine it though!  It was probably something super clever and witty like ‘ha, you wish’ or ‘yeah, right’ or…

There was a reason why Blake was the witty one and not Ruby.  She sucked at being witty under pressure!

Since it would take another year or two to walk to her room and back, Ruby hopped up onto the kitchen counter and waited for Weiss to get there.  Because Weiss was coming over!  Ruby had planned on spending her alone time in the workshop, but this was way better!

Even though they’d been in near constant communication via scroll, Ruby hadn’t seen Weiss since the hospital.  That was only a couple of days ago, but it felt like they’d been apart forever.  Sending messages was nice, but it was nothing compared to hanging out in person!  A message didn’t have Weiss’ voice or her eyes...that would be really weird if they did though.  Oh!  They could video message!  Although Ruby had to wonder if Weiss would be ok doing that.  It wouldn’t be an option when Weiss was at work or doing something important, but maybe at other times?

Waiting for the time to pass, Ruby swung her feet and traced her fingers along the scar on her wrist.  It had been a long time since her arm really hurt.  Sometimes there was a slight achiness in it when she overused it, but even that was disappearing with time.  The scar would never disappear though, which was fine with her.  It gave her something to remember the injury by since she didn’t have the actual memories of it.  Plus, scars were supposedly attractive, right?  She’d heard Yang say something about that once...and she definitely agreed when thinking about the small scar that ran across Weiss’ eye.

Amongst all the interesting things Ruby had ever learned, one of the most interesting was how interesting Weiss was!  She was basically...all thought-consuming.  For the longest time, Ruby had had such a one track mind - it was training, training, training, and nothing else.  Then bam!  Weiss walked into their life, and suddenly she was all Ruby could think about.

Ok, Weiss hadn’t walked in with a bam.  The door hadn’t made any sort of noise.  And maybe it was more appropriate to say that Ruby now had a two-track mind.  One track was reserved for training and becoming a huntress, but the other was exclusively for Weiss.  Because Weiss was very, very...interesting.

Hearing Blake and Yang’s voices carrying out of the hall, Ruby looked up from her wrist.  The two were dressed for a night on the town, as Yang liked to call it.  Walking into the living room, they rummaged through the hallway closet for whatever shoes they were going to wear to the concert.

“Jeez Ruby - waiting for someone?” Yang teased while indiscriminately tossing several miscellaneous shoes out of the closet.

“It takes forever to walk anywhere!” Ruby complained, kicking her feet in exasperation.  

“It only feels like forever because you’re used to moving twice as fast as regular people do,” Blake commented with an amused expression.  Somehow, she’d already found her shoes and put them on when Ruby hadn’t noticed.

“Welcome to how the rest of the world feels!” Yang added with a cheeky grin.

“It sucks,” Ruby moped from the countertop.  “You’re all so slow.”

Chuckling at the response, Blake walked over to the front door and opened it - revealing Weiss just stepping up onto the front porch.  Not at all surprised that she hadn’t been able to knock, Weiss merely looked at Blake and shook her head in admiration.

“Hey Weiss,” Blake said with a sly smile as Ruby let out an ‘eep!’ and jumped down from the counter to greet their guest.

“Weiss!” she called out, meeting Weiss right inside the front door and pulling her into a quick hug.  “I’m so glad you could make it!”

“Yes, we’re all very fortunate you could make it,” Blake added with a grin while handing Yang the second shoe she’d been searching for.

“Aha!” Yang exclaimed as she took it and slid it onto her foot.  After checking her pockets and bag for the tickets, she gave Blake a thumbs up.  “Now I’m ready!”

“Guess we can finally leave,” Blake teased, taking Yang’s hand and heading towards the door.  “Getting you there on time will be an achievemen-t of its own.”

When Ruby groaned, Yang laughed and pulled Blake close to place a kiss between her ears.

“Have I mentioned that I love you today?  Because I totally love you,” Yang remarked with a big grin before finally acknowledging Weiss’ presence.  Her smile fell a bit, but she cleared her throat and spoke first.

“Uh, thanks for the tickets, Weiss,” she said, lifting her hand in a loose fist and making a motion like she wanted Weiss to bump it with her own.  Weiss didn’t understand the gesture at first, but eventually caught on and lightly tapped her knuckles against Yang’s.

“You’re welcome,” she replied, managing a small smile of her own as Yang stepped outside with Blake.

“Oh yes, thank you for encouraging this unhealthy obsession,” Blake teased.

“Just wait, Blake.  By the end of the night, you’ll be begging me for their albums.”

“Yes, so that I can burn them.”  

Chuckling, Yang suddenly stopped and turned back to the house, pointing a finger towards Ruby and then Weiss.

“And you two - don’t do anything Blake and I wouldn’t do.”

“There are actually things you won’t do?” Ruby joked.  

After making a face at Ruby, Yang pulled the door shut with a “Be back later!”

Left alone in the house, but still able to hear the two girls talking outside, Weiss turned and smiled at Ruby.  Ruby’s excitement immediately shot through the ceiling - because Weiss was here!  They got to spend the night together!  Or like, maybe not the night, but at least until the concert ended.

“How are you feeling?” Weiss asked first.  About an hour had passed since she’d asked that question, so it was exactly what Ruby expected.

“Perfectly peachy!” she replied with a big grin.  “Absolutely amazing!  Fantastically fantastic!  Extra uh...excellent!”

Weiss pursed her lips at the slew of words.

“I’ve been asking that too much, haven’t I,” she said, her clear blue eyes saying that she already knew the answer to that question.

“Nope!  Well, yeah, a lot, but I totally don’t mind!”  Using her best ‘totally not minding’ face, Ruby successfully erased the concern from Weiss’.

“Well, how about I ask you a different question then?” Weiss asked with a hint of a smile that had Ruby hanging onto every word.  “What would you like to do now?”

“Something Yang and Blake wouldn’t do!” Ruby immediately answered, throwing her hands up in the air in excitement.  “So...clean, maybe?”

The joke made Weiss laugh - and Ruby really liked it when Weiss laughed.  There was something so rewarding in seeing light blue eyes sparkle with joy and, for a brief moment, catching a glimpse of a different person - the cheerful, less poised version of Weiss peeking through every expression of true happiness.   

If only there were a way to get Weiss to laugh more...then maybe that other version of her could stick around longer...

Oh!  Ruby happened to know an extra-awesome and super-effective way to make someone to laugh oodles.  Duh, why hadn’t she thought about this before?  It was only something Yang did to Ruby all the time.

“I have an idea.”

“Really?  What is it?”

Weiss’ willingness to hear the idea was super adorable, but Ruby didn’t need to say it out loud. Instead,  she raised her hands and wiggled her fingers in the universal ‘I’m gonna tickle you’ gesture.  Eyes instantly widening in recognition, Weiss took several steps away.

“Ruby…” Weiss’ voice was low with warning while she inched towards the living room.  “Don’t you dare.”

When Ruby grinned and stepped forward, Weiss took another step back to match.  But Weiss was backing into the living room, where there was very little opportunity to escape.  The furniture would work perfectly in Ruby’s favor - allowing her to pen the girl in.  And if she could get Weiss to the sofa, she would win.  Ruby knew all of this from personal experience - on the losing side of things, of course.

Frozen in a draw, each of them waited for the other to make the first move.  It was just like sparing!  One of them had to move first, and the other would try to react in time.

Grinning at the comparison, Ruby decided to make the first move.  She faked a step forward and to the left, which Weiss instantly reacted to, but Ruby was expecting that reaction.  Planting her foot on the ground and quickly pivoting the other direction, she just barely managed to reach out and wrap her arms around Weiss before she slipped out of reach.  Spinning around, Weiss tried to escape backwards, but all she managed to do was drag Ruby right along with her as they both collapsed awkwardly onto the sofa - which played right into Ruby’s advantage.  

As soon as they hit the soft cushions, Ruby unwrapped her arms from around Weiss’ waist and tickled Weiss’ rib cage - by far the most ticklish spot for most people.

And, interestingly enough, Weiss was ‘most people.’  She let out the most adorable squeal Ruby had ever heard while struggling to get away from the tickling fingers.

“Ruby!  You -!”

When Weiss’ words dissolved into uncontrollable laughter, Ruby grinned and continued the relentless onslaught of tickles.  Weiss looked so happy right now, even as she squirmed and tried to free herself.  But there was no way she was getting away from Ruby - Ruby was the tickle master-in-training!  Or more of an apprentice.

Wiggling her fingers in between Weiss’ ribs, Ruby laughed as she dodged a flailing arm that almost whacked her in the head.  She should’ve tickled Weiss way earlier!

“Alright!  You -!” Weiss gasped before a few more giggles escaped.  “R-Ruby you win!”

Hearing the magic word, Ruby immediately stopped and grinned down at Weiss, satisfied with the victory.

“God, Ruby - you...dolt,” Weiss huffed, trying to regain her breath while a soft red colored her cheeks.  “You’re...trying to kill me…”

Even though Weiss was pretending to be annoyed, she was still smiling.

Weiss was really pretty when she smiled - a real smile and not those guarded ones she normally used.  Like, she was really, really pretty.  And when she was lightly panting through slightly parted lips, staring up at Ruby with intent blue eyes that seemed to see right through her, with the two of them intertwined on the sofa...it almost felt like Ruby could - or she should - lean down, closing the small gap between them and -

Coughing into her hand to clear that sudden thought from her mind, Ruby refocused on Weiss.  On Weiss’ eyes, not her lips.

“Death by tickles, huh?” Ruby asked, sitting up in order to put some space between them and bury the random craving she’d just had.

“It’s possible,” Weiss replied with a serious expression as she sat up, too.

“Nuh uh -”

“Yes ‘huh,’ it’s happened before.”

Giggling, Ruby patted Weiss on the shoulder.  “I’m not falling for that one!”

“Want to look it up?”  

A smirk accompanied the question - marking it as a challenge.  Ruby’s resolve wavered at the look.  If Weiss was willing to look it up, maybe she was right.  Or...maybe she was bluffing and hoped Ruby wouldn’t catch her.  But that would be tricky.  Was Weiss tricky?

Staring at Weiss for what felt like forever, Ruby searched icy blue eyes that were much warmer than their color implied.  There had to be a hint in there somewhere...something that gave away whether or not Weiss was bluffing…

When Ruby narrowed her eyes, Weiss playfully narrowed hers in turn.  

If Weiss was lying, what would give it away?  Would it be in her eyes?  Would they slightly squint or change color?  Would her pupils be a little bigger than usual, or would she have the tiniest hint of a smile?

Suddenly stumbling over the answer, Ruby beamed in delight.  There was one.  Weiss had a tell!

“Ok,” Ruby replied, sitting nice and straight on the sofa cushion.  “Let’s look it up then.”

Weiss was good.  Very composed.  She hardly flinched at Ruby’s words, but when Ruby reached for Weiss’ scroll to put this matter to rest, a hand shot out to stop her.

“Wait.”  

Ruby beamed at the single word, ready to accept her tiny triumph while Weiss looked baffled at how her bluff had been called.

“Alright, you got me.  How did you know?”

“You have a tell, Weiss!” Ruby exclaimed, more excited about finding that than about being right.  But her words only made Weiss blink in confusion.

“A...tell?”

“Yeah!  A tell - like something you do when you’re lying!  I just figured it out!”

“What??” Weiss asked in shock.  “I do not have a tell.”

“You totally do!”

“Then what is it?”

Sensing the trap and successfully hopping over it instead of falling into it, Ruby shook her head - sending her hair flying all over the place.

“No way - I’m not telling you!  Then you’ll just stop doing it!”

“But...you have to tell me!”

“Why?” she asked, laughing at Weiss’ miffed expression.

“Because!  I...you...you just should!”

“That’s super not convincing!” Ruby replied gleefully.  “But maybe you can persuade me to part with my secrets?”  When Ruby playfully batted her eyes, Weiss looked more shocked than anything else.

“How?”

“I dunno.  What’s something really awesome that I might want?”  

When the question made Weiss blush and turn away, Ruby’s cheeks warmed up too.  Had Weiss just thought about what Ruby had just thought about?  Or something completely different?  Something better?

What had Weiss just thought??

“I’m not sure…” Weiss mumbled before turning back to Ruby - the moment of indecision already gone and replaced by a more assured persona.  “One million chocolate chip cookies.”

Ruby burst into giggles at the offer.  Because yes, that was amazing and yes, that was something she’d want, but also because Weiss looked so serious about it!  Like this was some business deal and she’d literally hand over a million cookies in exchange for the information.

But Ruby couldn’t be bought so easily!  Well, maybe normally she could, but not this time!

“Noooo thank you!”

The reply made Weiss’ mouth fall open in surprise.

“You’re turning down a million cookies,” she stated in disbelief while Ruby nodded, pleased with her random thread of self-control.

“Yup!  I think this information is much more valuable than that.  Plus, I don’t think I could eat them all before they went bad!”

Maybe she could, but that was an awful lot of cookies.  What would that even look like?  Would they fill her room?  The whole house?  The neighborhood would probably smell like heaven!  How much milk would she need to eat that many cookies?  They’d have to get their own cow!  She’d name him Herman.  Wait - did boy cows make milk?

While Ruby contemplated the logistics of receiving one million cookies, Weiss tapped one finger against her knee, furrowed her brow, and bit her lip in the most adorable display of concentration as she tried to figure out how to pry the information from Ruby.

“What do you want…?”  

The question wasn’t directed at Ruby - it was more like Weiss said it to herself while trying to find the answer in Ruby’s eyes.  

What did Ruby want?  She wanted a lot of things!  But knowing when Weiss was trying to lie would probably be super valuable.  Maybe she’d be willing to exchange the information for…

Instantly blushing when her brain jumped to something she would absolutely give up the secret for, Ruby averted her eyes and blew a puff of air through her lips.  

Why was that her answer?  Why was she thinking about that so much right now?  Hopefully Weiss’ superpowers didn’t include mind reading.  Otherwise Ruby was in for a world of first-class embarrassment right...about…

Now.

When Weiss’ finger kept tapping her knee and nothing else happened, Ruby grinned and wrapped her arms around her legs.

“I can’t think of anything!” she remarked.  It was a fib.  A big, fat one.  There was one thing she couldn’t stop thinking of right now, but there was no way she could ask for that!  No, she’d just keep the information safe and sound for now.

“Nothing?”

“Nope!  Plus, I like knowing something about you that no one else does.  Even you!”  

That last part was the truth.  Knowing this information made Ruby special, and she really, really liked the idea that she was special - at least, she wanted to be special when it came to Weiss.

Tilting her head to one side, Weiss stared at Ruby for a long time.  Obviously, she hadn’t expected Ruby to be so difficult to crack.  Which was probably smart thinking - it wasn’t every day Ruby found the resolve to turn down a million cookies!  She’d probably take that deal ninety-nine times out of a hundred.  Weiss was just unlucky tonight.

“But maybe I’ll tell you one day!” Ruby added with a grin.  Weiss stared for a few more seconds before smiling and shaking her head.

“You’re obviously feeling better.”

“Yup!  I’m great!”

“Good.  Because I really don’t want to take you to the hospital again.”

“And you’re telling the truth!” Ruby added playfully, making Weiss’ eyes narrow in thought once more.

“You won’t tell anyone, will you?”

“You think I’d turn down a million cookies and then just hand this priceless knowledge out for nothing??  No way!”  Shaking her head, Ruby added, “They’d have to offer me something better!”

“Such as…?”

“Uh, such as…”  Racking her brain, she tried to come up with anything that could possibly be better.  It was really hard!  Weiss had nailed that offer even if Ruby hadn’t accepted it.

“Yang would have to shave her head!” Ruby said before laughing at how funny it would be to see her sister with no hair.  “Oh!  Or, Blake would have to let me take Gambol Shroud apart and tinker with him for an entire - three days!”

That last one was quite enticing, too!  

Chuckling lightly, Weiss shook her head.

“So never.”

“Basically.  It’s cookies or bust.”

Satisfied with that answer, Weiss nodded and leaned against the sofa.  Ruby collapsed backwards too, grinning all the while.  Being around Weiss was always really fun and...easy.  It was kind of weird because they hadn’t known each other that long, but they were already pretty comfortable around one another!  Maybe they hadn’t known each other for years like some friends did, but that didn’t matter, right?  As long as they had a good time together, they could be great friends!

This ‘making friends’ thing was easier than she’d thought.  It probably helped that Weiss already knew Yang, but Ruby would take all the help she could get.

With their shoulders barely touching, Ruby waited for a few seconds in silence before deciding that she needed to say something.  She was the host, after all!  It was important to keep guests entertained and not bore them to death.  And it was possible to bore someone to death - look it up!

“So we did what I wanted to do...now what do you wanna do?” she asked, shifting in her seat to look at Weiss.

“I thought I was supposed to watch you.”

“You’re just going to sit there and look at me?”

Smiling, Weiss shrugged at the question.  “Sure, that wouldn’t bother me one bit.  But is there anything else you’d like to do?”

That was a great question.  What did Ruby want to do?  There were so many choices!  The world was their oyster!  Except that they probably shouldn’t leave the house, and Ruby wasn’t allowed to do anything more physical than shuffle her feet across the floor.  

The world was their slightly-restricted oyster!

There were still lots of great options though.  They could go for a walk around the house - that would take them into next century.  Or they could go into the garage and work on something  - maybe Weiss would want to work on a project with Ruby?  That’d be cool!  Or they could hide Yang’s shoes outside.  Or...

“Oh!” Ruby exclaimed when an idea popped into her head.  “I know!  We can practice my hand-eye coordination!  Can you use your glyph-things to throw stuff at me?  Do they work like that?”

When Ruby hopped off the sofa, Weiss’s eyes followed her.

“Yes...but throw what ‘stuff’ at you?”  

“Um…” Unsure about an answer, Ruby glanced around.  What was small and a good projectile?  

Leaving the sofa behind, she walked into the kitchen and started opening drawers in search of something to use.  “Aha!” she remarked in success, pulling a handful of silverware out of the drawer and turning back to Weiss.  “How ‘bout these?”

Looking from the silverware to Ruby and back again, Weiss’ expression was one of pure incredulity.

“Let me get this straight...Yang made you invite me over to make sure you don’t end up back in the hospital, but you want me to shoot knives at you and hope you can catch them before they impale you?”

“Yeah!”

Smiling, Weiss shook her head.  “No...I’m not going to do that.”

Her balloon of excitement deflating, Ruby dropped the silverware onto the table as Weiss stood and joined her in the kitchen.  Moving with an air of determination, Weiss methodically searched through the drawers herself before pulling open the fridge and rummaging around inside.  A few seconds later, she emerged with a bag of grapes in hand.

“I would be willing to throw these at you though,” she said with a pleased grin.

See?  This was why Weiss was so much smarter than Ruby.

“Yes!”

Pumping one fist in victory, Ruby slowly and carefully made her way back to the living room and stood in front of the television.  Ok, that was a lie.  She kind of, sort of ran-hopped.  But Yang wasn’t around to say whether or not it was too fast.  A speed limit was useless unless there was a cop around to hand out tickets!

That didn’t mean Ruby was dumb enough to use her semblance though.  One runaway petal and she’d be as good as caught red-handed.

With Ruby in place, Weiss took a seat on the sofa and set the bag of grapes on the cushion beside her (the coffee table had yet to be replaced after its unfortunate accident).  Carefully plucking one grape out of the bag, she held it up for Ruby to see.

“Are you ready?”

Rubbing her hands together, Ruby nodded and focused on the small, green orb between Weiss’ fingers.  Nodding in return, Weiss tossed the grape towards Ruby in a slow, meandering arc.  

Ruby was about to complain that that was way too easy - then a white/blue glyph appeared out of nowhere.  The instant the grape hit the glyph’s surface, it shot off at a completely different angle and nailed Ruby in the side like a friendly version of a mini rocket.

“Wow!” she exclaimed, watching the grape roll away from her before turning back to Weiss.  “That was super fast!”

“Did you think I’d take it easy on you?”

Stunned by the response, Ruby looked at the grape on the floor before grinning at Weiss.  There was a playful sparkle in Weiss’ eyes that suggested Ruby should’ve known better than to expect such an easy game.

Well, she knew better now!

“Ok,” she said, bending her knees and raising her hands in preparation.  “I’m really ready this time.  No more drops!”

Nodding, Weiss held another grape up so Ruby could see.  This time Ruby made sure to focus all her attention on the tiny orb - every single bit of focus she had in her entire body.  

In not-really slow motion, Weiss drew her hand back and let it fly.

Determined to catch this one, Ruby pinpointed the grape in the air and figured out its trajectory - but the game didn’t stop there.  At the first glimpse of white, she locked onto the glyph as it appeared and determined the angle it was pointing in relation to the grape.  As soon as the two met, Ruby shot her hand out to where she anticipated the grape would go and closed her fingers around the squishy object.

“Aha!” she cried out in success, holding up the grape in victory.  

“Good job,” Weiss congratulated her with a smile.

“Yes!” Ruby exclaimed, hopping with joy.  “Blake’s gotta watch out - she’s not the only ninja anymore!  Ruby Rose is the sneakiest of sneaky in this house now!”  

Ruby waved her hands around like a ninja - making karate chops in the air - before a small object bounced off her side.  Looking around in surprise and finding another grape rolling away, she turned back to the sofa and found Weiss trying to stifle her laughter.

“Looks like you missed one, Miss Ninja.”

Playfully narrowing her eyes, Ruby popped the grape into her mouth and raised her hands at the ready.

“Oh, you think you’re soooo good at throwing grapes and stuff?” she teased.  “Bring it on!”

“You’re not ready for this.”

“I totally am!  You’re not ready for this!”

When Weiss arched one brow at the lame comeback, Ruby shook her head.

“Or something more witty than that!  Just - let’s see what you’ve got!”

Waving her hands around like the world’s most skilled goalkeeper, Ruby watched Weiss prepare for the next round of this battle between two equally matched foes.  Equally matched, as in one of them was not better than the other.

Maybe Ruby should be concerned by the handful of grapes Weiss was holding in one hand...but she wasn’t!  She was slick as a ninja!  Quick as a cat!  More Blake references!

Squeaking in surprise when Weiss threw not one but two grapes in the air, Ruby watched as two glyphs pointing in different directions successfully pelted both grapes into her on opposite sides.

Ok, so Weiss was pretty good at this.  

“Lucky shot!” Ruby called out before ducking as a grape whizzed over her head. 

She managed to catch one out of the next three grapes thrown her way, but the moment she paused to say “Aha!” two more ricocheted off of her back.  Her back!  Tossing the grape at Weiss - who deftly dodged out of the way - Ruby yelped while trying to catch two more, but they flew into her instead.

If this was a competition, Weiss was winning.  It wasn’t even close.  But it was still equally matched.

Ruby was going to catch the next one, but then the glyph rotated at the last second and sent the grape spinning off of her shoulder.  And the next grape stuck to the glyph for a half second longer than expected, the white patterns swirling together before firing the grape like a shot out of a cannon.

Every time Ruby squealed when a grape hit her, Weiss laughed.  And every time Weiss laughed, Ruby couldn’t help but laugh too.  

Laughing made it a lot harder to focus on the flying missiles, but she started having more success after the first dozen or so grapes.  Whenever she managed to catch one, she’d throw it at Weiss - only for it to fly right back at twice the speed.  

She was losing the battle and the war, but it didn’t matter when she was having so much fun.  

“Ok!” she finally called out, raising her hands in surrender (which only exposed her ribs for Weiss to hit with two last-second grapes).  “Ok, I give up!  You win!”

Slowly lowering her hands, Ruby beamed when she saw Weiss’ twinkling eyes and amused smile.

“So you’ve had enough?”

Ruby smiled when she saw the tease in Weiss’ eyes.  

Most of the time, Weiss was calm and collected.  But right now, she was...playful.  It was like she’d briefly let go of whatever plagued her and allowed herself to be happy and free.  

Playful, happy Weiss was now one of Ruby’s favorite things…

Looking at the floor littered with grapes, Ruby bent down to collect a handful for herself.

“Hey, it’s not that easy!” she replied while standing up with her ammunition.  “Why don’t you try?  Teach me your ways, oh wise one.”  

Ever a good sport, Weiss nodded and stood from the sofa.  Crouching slightly, she raised both hands like Ruby had just been doing.  After taking a brief moment to appreciate Weiss’ super cute expression of concentration, Ruby looked down at the grapes in her hand.

She didn’t have super cool glyphs like Weiss did.  She had her speed, but that wasn’t helpful in this situation - not that she was allowed to use her semblance anyway.  But what she lacked in awesome glyphs, she made up for in ingenuity! 

She could throw just one grape, but that wouldn’t be a challenge.  Two would also be pretty easy…

Fortunately, she had the element of surprise on her side - because she had a doozy of a plan!

Picking up a solitary grape, Ruby held it in her left hand and swung her arm back like she was going to throw it.  But, at the same moment she let that grape fly, she shot her other hand forward and threw the entire fistful of grapes at Weiss at once.  

It was brilliantly executed.

As was the glyph Weiss formed in front of her to capture all of the grapes in midair.  

Catching the flash of a smirk on Weiss’ lips, Ruby instinctively covered her head and turned as the grapes pelted into her - every single one of them bouncing off of her before falling to the floor.  

Only when the barrage ended did Ruby lower her hands and start giggling - looking over to the sofa to find Weiss laughing too.  And laughing Weiss was just...the best.

“How did you know I was gonna do that??” Ruby asked through her giggles, only for Weiss to smile and shrug.

“It seemed like something you would do.”

“Uh oh.”

“What?” Weiss asked, her expression quickly turning to one of concern.

“You know me too well,” Ruby concluded with a grin.  Relaxing, Weiss returned the grin with a smile - another one of those amazing smiles that reached her eyes and made them shine with joy.  

Ruby loved seeing that - she loved it when Weiss smiled so freely.  She loved it when Weiss relaxed and had fun.  And she loved being able to bring out this side of Weiss, if only for a few seconds at a time.

Ruby would’ve shared that smile forever, but Weiss eventually broke eye contact and looked at the mess of grapes on the floor.  As she did so, her walls slid back into place, and the carefree version of Weiss slipped away.

It was a fast change, and it left Ruby with a strange feeling of loss - but she wasn’t discouraged.  If Weiss was still here, there was nothing to be discouraged about.  

“Oh!  I have an idea!” Ruby said as a plan popped into her mind.  Runn - walking quickly to the fridge, she pulled out a carton before rushing back to the living room and pressing it into Weiss’ hands.  

“What’s way more awesome than grapes?” she asked, grinning at her genius idea.

Looking down at the carton in her hands, Weiss then looked at Ruby in disbelief.

“You can’t be serious -”

“Deadly serious!  Come on - it’ll be fun!”  Pressing her palms together, Ruby begged with her eyes - using the best set of puppy dog eyes she had.

After briefly biting her lip, Weiss fought back a smile while pulling two eggs from the carton and setting the rest on the floor by her feet.  Holding one of the fragile items up in the air, she gave Ruby a playfully serious expression that did little to mask her enjoyment of the situation.

“You’d better catch these.”

Taking the words as acceptance of the idea, Ruby giggled in delight while hopping over to her spot in front of the TV.

Honestly, she didn’t care if she caught the eggs or not.  All that mattered right now was that the happy version of Weiss was back.

Well, that didn’t go as expected.

There’s a lot I could say about Sophie and Camille and therapy and such but.

Most recently, Brian told me about his flirtation with tinder person. It feels bad and I wish it didn’t. Monogamy/ non monogamy is so weird and like, so... hypocritical, like I wouldn’t think twice about flirting with someone here if it felt good but somehow envisioning Brian doing it is like “how could you’??? when you tell me you love me??” and I mean I don’t actually feel that way or like doubt that he loves me but can’t help feeling a bit like betrayed and/or like... misled, but I also misled myself. He told me felt weird about stuff with the tinder person but he also sort of portrayed it as like not tha tmuch of a thing, or like he wasn’t that into them but just felt weird since he met them on tinder when it def sounds like he has fed into the flirtation // felt it more than he conveyed. but I also get that and I don’t feel like mad mad. I think brian maybe has a bit of a leading--on problem. but also like who doesn’t like flirting and cuddling with new people? yeah anyways. I wish it didn’t feel as bad as it does, and like I can sense in myself the feeling of like, “well maybe lets just call off the whole thing” which is totally irrational and also coexisting with feelings like wanting to tell him he’s too dramatic for saying that maybe he “fucked this up” and I want to tell him he’s being too dramatic, like this isn’t going to end just over him flirting with someone, while at the same time part of me is like “weeeelllll it’s been a good run, time to accept it’ll never work....” 

but I mean, I definitely don’t actually think I’m going to end things over this at all, but it’s sort of that feeling of like, when my alarm goes off and I’m like “ you know what, I’ll just sleep in and neve show up to work and like not tell anyone, I’ll just quit my job and block eveones numbers, I’m just gonna walk away frmo this job and neve tell anyone because it’ll feel THAT good to just go back to sleep.” like you know you aren’t gonna do it. I know I’m not ending things over this. but what it DOES bring up is... just the general weirdness of thsi situation where we are professing our love to each other so often and feeling so like ~in love~ but, we aren’t together~ and we can’t be/ shouldn’t be. not can’t in a dramatic way but like neither of us want that and I know it wouldn’t work. ULTIMATELY and like generally I have felt okay with like “yeah, things will end eventually, (either when one of us starts dating someone else, or when idk one of us wants to actually make it official/ serious and move to the same place and the other one says that won’t work and it ends, or when it just gets too painful or one of us stops having feelings or...) and when that happens it’ll suck, but I can accept that and right now it feels good and life is SHORT and I feel good just letting us have as much time being sweet and loving each other as we can get out of htis, why end it prematurely? “ yeah... that’s how I’ve been feeling. but I realize that this sort of situation does make it like, harder to withstand the hardness because what are we fighting to preserve? all this is is ~feeling good~, it’s not commitment, so why stick with it when it feels bad? and this sort of *feeling bad*, when its just like about some text flirting, isn’t going to end it, but just realizing like... as much as I really want to work on feeling more comfortable with non monogamy... will any sort of like emotional difficulty feel worth it with brian, or are the conditions such that it will just feel like “well fuck it we had a good run, but this isn’t fun anymore so bye” ? and does that feel unhealthy? I don’t know. I guess the question it, how much effort/ fight am I willing to put in to maintain whateve it is we have now? what if i enter into an actual relationship, one that wasn’t monogamous, would brian be something I would want to preserve? err I mean that feels sooo theoretical and hard to imagine but thats just yeah what I’ve been thinking about. is how this sort of happy go lucky “who cares where things are headed /// I know things will end eventually // but it feels good for now” just really begs the questions of how to react when things don’t feel purely good, and like.... blah, I want to be in a relatinoship where I’m signed up to do that work, to push through the difficult, and not that brian and I never deal with hard things, we obviously do, but yeah.

 ummm OK. but yeah . other observations. I deeefinitely reach for the sunstances when bad feelings happen. It doesn’t even feel necessarily like “oh these are feelings I can’t handle, it’s more just like... teh substances are there in my life anyways, so might as well use them when I’m feeling especially off. or whatever. like tonight didnt feel like, oh this would *trigger* me if I were sober but lik e”agh emotional stress wheres the beer” ya know.

and I just like, yeah, the codependence, I mean maybe thats not the right word, but the like... I told him I didn’t want to talk but now im like why hasn’t he texted meeee and checking my phone constantly. it feels like both bc I’m emotionally wrapped up but also more just like, precedent, I expect a text back quickly and yeah.

ok I am rereading our texts and like they def have been misleading... k i just texted them>

Blah i mean idk I do feel a lil misled or like even just rereading texts now its like idk. You convey it as like. Idk like it's only weird bc u met on tinder not bc there's active talk about cuddling. Er idk like are u leading them on or just concealing your feelings to me like it's hard to tell the diff ? Blah but ultimately I don't want it to be a big deal but it's also hard to deal with jealousy feelings when the communication is also unclear and confusing which I also remember being a thing in the before times, it's hard both like having jealous which I don't like feeling but also having to do the work if like figuring out what's actually going on, you're like having guilt but not really actually telling me what's going on. But yea then it's also confusing cuz it's like we're not even together or whatever .... Etc

What other fics are your faves/masterpieces?

Oooh grayface! You ask the hard questions.

I struggled with answering this over the last couple days for a couple reasons. FIRSTLY - as I tried to compile the list, I got caught up rereading a bunch. I’ve spent the better part of three days either refreshing my Instagram to flail over lilicole at Coachella, or rereading old favourite fanfics. Total time!suck. lol.

Also, like I’ve said in the past, I read A LOT of fic. Like, I think I was several thousand fics last year (Completed and WIPS) on top of the 53 original novels I read for my goodreads challenge in 2016). I read a lot of fic and honestly, I *like* most of the fics I finish because if I hate something or it doesn’t give me joy, I’m not going to continue reading it. (As an example, just recently, I stopped reading a fic by a friend of mine - not because it’s terrible writing (because it wasn’t) or because I don’t love my friend (cuz I do - she’s talented and wonderful and kind and every good thing) - but because every update of the story was giving me anxiety and literal rage at the characters to the point where I was unproductive in real life because I was so mad. Fic is supposed to be fun - even angsty and emotional fic - so I literally had to unsubscribe and take a step back a bit. I still love her, and will read other stories by her - just not that one anymore. It’s a complex thing. So, there’s that.

And then there is the fact that I like a lot of fics that I wouldn’t call MASTERPIECES but… I *liked* them. It’s hard to know what crosses that line into epic awesomeness. I generally bookmark my particular favourites but again - does that mean I think they’re all MASTERPIECES? What does being a MASTERPIECE entail? And maybe there is fic that I absolutely am over the moon about - that other people wonder “What’s the big deal?” There are several favourites of mine that could be like that.

And what if a fic is short? Most Masterpieces are usually Tolstoy length, aren’t they? Sometimes. But sometimes they’re short and perfect and speak to me RIGHT NOW (before more canon makes them suddenly AU) but reading them after isn’t as gut punchy. And sometimes they start as AU and yet they’re still freaking spectacular.

And I hate to throw even one more wrench into the problem - but here’s another: I’ve been around fandom in general for a LONG time. Like 12 years. 12 years where I was really active in fic writing/reading/reviewing/betaing/reccing etc. That makes for a LOT of different specific fandoms. Are you interested in the fics I fell in love with 10 years ago when all I read was Draco/Ginny? Or what about my Sherlolly love? Or Hiccastrid? Or Gendarya? Or Violate? Or Shenny? Or Reylo? Or most recently Bughead? Like - I have a lot of favourites that I read and reread over and over again in all of those fandoms.

And what if a MASTERPIECE is a fan favourite? Does it HAVE to be a fan favourite? Maybe it was written by a BNF and maybe it wasn’t. I was accused of BEING a BNF once (which is laughable - as I’ve mentioned in posts before, I’m a collector of BNF friends - I don’t claim to be one myself) - but does that colour whether I think something is a MASTERPIECE or not?

Does my opinion even matter for that matter?

One last thing before I actually give you a mini list of just a FEW of my favourite “Masterpiece” fics. As I’ve said, I like to collect writers. It’s kinda selfish of me - but I like to surround myself with fandom friends who have so much talent that the metaphorical room is thick with it. Probably because I’m only a mediocre writer myself - but I sure do know how to fangirl people who deserve praise. So, sometimes I love an author so much that every thing they write is a Mastepiece to me. How can I choose when everything they write is so perfect?

You see why this is a SUPER tough question?

ANYWAY - if you got through that, you deserve some links. Remember, some of these will be in fandoms that you aren’t into, greyface. But I hope one or two of them catch your eye. I loved each and every one of them.

And if you’re a writer, and I’ve loved on one of your stories with comments and praise and yet it’s NOT mentioned right here - that doesn’t mean that in the eyes of “Jandy Salmon” it’s not a Masterpiece, it just means that I had so much to choose from and such conflicting feelings about which/how many to share that it didn’t get mentioned. But remember, I’m sincere in every review I leave - and I try to leave at least fangirly squeeing on like 95% of the stories/chapters I read (which is a freaking lot). It’s been a while since I posted fic, but I /still/ receive reviews that make my heart happy and I think being actively engaged with reviews helps build connections with the authors I love.

Right? Okay Right. Here’s the list of just a FEW of my favourites (fics that I would probably call MASTERPIECES) that I read over and over again because I love them THAT much:

List Compiled April 17/2017

Jane Austen

The Effect Series by Shem (Kitty Bennet/OC, Lizzie/Darcy)

http://archiveofourown.org/series/115954

Everingham by katharhino (Fanny Price/Henry Crawford)

http://archiveofourown.org/works/279556

Mansfield End by Ione (Fanny Price/Henry Crawford)

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1072559

How to Train your Dragon

Simple Gifts by Ecoutez (Hiccup/Astrid)

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1925469

The Element of Surprise by Ecoutez (Hiccastrid)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/4343291

Game of Thrones

Not Today by ebmordecai (Arya/Gendry)

http://archiveofourown.org/works/407295?view_full_work=true

Pretty much any (Jaime/Brienne) fic by SigilBroken but especially these two series’:

Honour Thy Regard http://archiveofourown.org/series/48322

In this Light http://archiveofourown.org/series/53759

Sherlock (Sherlolly)

Longer Than the Road That Stretches Out Ahead by sunken_standard

http://archiveofourown.org/works/434802

In the End by Lono

http://archiveofourown.org/works/671569/

The Deaf and the Blind and the Color Red by Solshine

http://archiveofourown.org/works/375335

The Falling by Petra Todd

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8455202/1/The-Falling

The Full House by Emcee

http://archiveofourown.org/series/18800

That 70s Show (Hyde/Jackie)

Hyde’s Long Way Home by MistyMountainHop https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7072364/1/Hyde-s-Long-Way-Home

Sky High (Warren/Layla)

Why Villains Have A Better Life By  KFD

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4297395/1/Why-Villains-Have-A-Better-Life

It Just Takes Some Time By Half-elf

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3878294/1/It-Just-Takes-Some-Time

The Office (Jim/Pam)

Oracle Mom By time4moxie https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3893458/1/Oracle-Mom

In My Life, I Love You More By bluelimit https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6420571/1/In-My-Life-I-Love-You-More

Laugh this Life with Me by shannanagin https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2853729/1/This-Life-With-Me

Big Bang Theory (Shenny)

the paladin protocol by spaceanjl https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5623923/1/

miles to go (before i sleep) by medusa20 http://archiveofourown.org/works/250535/chapters/387524

& light is only now just breaking by allthingsholy http://archiveofourown.org/works/154681

the road ahead is clear again by notalwaysweak http://archiveofourown.org/works/250525/chapters/387513

Doctor Who (mostly Ten/Rose)

Chaos Verse by earlgreytea68 (The whole collection is AMAZING) http://earlgreytea68.livejournal.com/82528.html

Welcome To Your Life by cenowar https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3130472/1/Welcome-To-Your-Life

Life As You Know It by cenowar https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3575257/1/Life-As-You-Know-It

Battlestar Galatica (Lee/Kara)

Alone Time by alissabobissa http://beyond-insane.livejournal.com/601124.html

Any and EVERY Starbuck/Apollo fic by hackaddict  (Freaking MASTER of BSG fic) http://hackaddict.livejournal.com/tag/starbuck%2Fapollo

Harry Potter

For our allotted time is the passing of a shadow by florahart (Cedric/Hermione *whut?*) http://hp-springsmut.livejournal.com/79314.html

Under by Tudorrose1533 (Draco/Ginny)

http://dracoandginny.com/viewstory.php?sid=5065&chapter=1

The More is My Unrest by Arabella and Jedi Boadicea (Draco/Ginny)

http://www.sugarquill.net/read.php?storyid=848&chapno=1

American Horror Story (Violate)

Sucker Love by Tjoek  *Incomplete but still a Masterpiece* https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7612662/1/Sucker-Love  

You have been Weighed by Shootingstella http://ahs-exchange.livejournal.com/8634.html

Then anything written by @lolableu (who also writes awesome Divergent fanfic btw), GrayGlube @whatwouldflorencedo (also awesome GoT fic), ScarletWoman @feelavalanche (also started one of my fave Veronica Mars WIPs), and OhYellowBird @ohhyellowbird (also wrote a freaking AMAZING Reylo fic too). These girls are my Awesome Nerds - my Lunchtable girls and I love them. There is no higher praise than that. Read them.

Veronica Mars (Dick/Mac)

Sinclair-Mackenzie  by BIFF1 https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10127131/1/Sinclair-Mackenzie

Mercy on the Undeserved By LVfangirl https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10310550/1/Mercy-on-the-Undeserved

Star Wars (Reylo) - probably the hardest section to choose from - because I’ve literally read over 1000 fics in the last year and bookmarked nearly 100 which I *liked/loved*.

Firstly - read anything by diasterisms (kylorenvevo) - especially Ghostwalks (Gin and Fog) http://archiveofourown.org/works/6931657 (there are only like a dozen stories so I’m serious when I say read them all. *waves fangirly flag*

when there’s nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire. by ohyellowbird (told you she’d show up down here) http://archiveofourown.org/works/5564245

Forms by Trebia  (a fandom staple) http://archiveofourown.org/works/5454443

Isolation by TearoomSaloon http://archiveofourown.org/works/5937457

Sky Marked Souls by AnonymousMink http://archiveofourown.org/works/5816995

On a White Horse by ms_qualia http://archiveofourown.org/works/5863972

Ahgh - there are just so many Reylo fics. This is definitely not a definitive list. Read terapid, corariley, and perrydowning too. I promise I love SO many and all of you writers are freaking brilliant.

OKAY - and lastly Bughead (Riverdale). I am still very active in this fandom, and it's constantly evolving - so I recommend you check out my Mod Faves tag at the @blueandgoldoffice for my current favourites. 🤙

1-100

omg ok tbh i forgot that i reblogged that ask thing but thank u fren here u go

1. spotify, soundcloud, or pandora? 

spotify

2. is your room messy or clean?

um ok so my room at my mom’s is technically the office and just full of mine and everyone else’s storage so it isn’t really my room i guess and my room at my dad’s is nearly empty and i haven’t been there more than a couple times in a while and i’ve been crashing at friend’s and family’s houses and living out of a suitcase for weeks so i’m just gonna say i don’t really have a room

3. what color are your eyes?

dark brown

4. do you like your name? why?

alright well this is complicated because i hate the name emily and lately i’ve been going by emmitt for a while and it’s just weird because i feel so disconnected from emily and not super connected to emmitt either and i feel like i should just be a nameless person because i hate being referred to as anything tbh

5. what is your relationship status?

happily in a relationship with someone i really care about

6. describe your personality in 3 words or less

a detached mess

7. what color hair do you have?

my natural dark brown color

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

ah it’s a purple mini van that’s rusting and dying

9. where do you shop?

target lol

10. how would you describe your style?

almost exclusively button ups and baseball shirts

11. favorite social media account?

tumblr probably i use this the most out of all of them

12. what size bed do you have?

queen

13. any siblings?

i have 2 sisters

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

i honestly have no idea how to answer this question i don’t have a dream destination or anything

15. favorite snapchat filter?

omg probably the cute cat one that changes ur voice cuz my friends look so cute when they use it

16. favorite makeup brand(s)?

i don’t know anything about makeup

17. how many times a week do you shower?

every day sometimes multiple times a day

18. favorite tv show?

buffy the vampire slayer and dollhouse kill me

19. shoe size?

idk i’m pretty sure i’m a 6

20. how tall are you?

5’1

21. sandals or sneakers?

sneakers

22. do you go to the gym?

no lol but i do plan to start going once i actually move in to my new place and get settled

23. describe your dream date

i want to spend a day in chicago with emily doing whatever we want just walking and wandering into stores and go to a zoo or a museum or navy pier or honestly just anything at this point i miss her so much i don’t care what we do as long as we’re together

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

$6

25. what color socks are you wearing?

they’re both different variations of black white and light blue

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?

at least 2

27. do you have a job? what do you do?

yeah i recently got a job in the mental health field and i work primarily with adults with various mental illnesses in a 24/7 supervised living area at the moment it’s mostly individuals dealing with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, and borderline personality disorder and i help them with symptom management, building the skills they have chosen to work on in their treatment plans, and help them carry activities of daily living so they can become self-sufficient and can transition out and live on their own

28. how many friends do you have?

ah i mean i know i have a lot of friends but as far as really close friends i know i can count on and will most likely always have around i’d say i have about 8

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?

ah fuck well i went through a really destructive phase in my recent past where i was just in a bad place and i withdrew and lashed out a lot and was super emotionally unstable and i hurt a lot of people and i regret it

30. whats your favorite candle scent?

omg i have no idea i usually just smell all the blue ones and go from there

31. 3 favorite boy names

elliot (this is my favorite name in the world probably)

max

derrick

32. 3 favorite girl names

bennett

caroline

sara

33. favorite actor?

i thought about this for a solid 5 minutes and no one is coming to mind i’m gonna leave this blank

34. favorite actress?

eliza dushku and alyson hannigan kill me every time i watch dollhouse or buffy i’m in love with her

35. who is your celebrity crush?

amber liu

36. favorite movie?

selena

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i used to read a lot when i was a kid and the music of dolphins by karen hesse has always stuck with me for some reason idk if it’s my favorite but when i was a kid i checked it out at least once a month on our elementary library visits and even now i always find myself thinking about it

38. money or brains?

well if u don’t have money u can’t survive in this capitalist society so i mean

but if this question is asking what i want in a person i’d want the smart

39. do you have a nickname? what is it?

my family calls me mimi and tbh it’s the only thing i actually feel comfortable with weirdly

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

i’ve been to the hospital multiple times to visit people but i don’t remember actually needing to be there myself besides when i burned my hands as a child

41. top 10 favorite songs

this is def subject to change depending on my mood at any given moment but for right now:

hold me tight by bts

house of cards by bts

lie by bts

all mine by one ok rock

deeper deeper by one ok rock

we are by one ok rock

decision by one ok rock

clock strikes by one ok rock

como la flor by selena

moon river waltz by shinee

42. do you take any medications daily?

no i had issues with family and insurance so i had to stop seeing my psych and taking meds

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

dry

44. what is your biggest fear?

my mom having anything else bad happen to her

45. how many kids do you want?

this is most likely not going to be my choice lol i don’t have a number in mind if i do have kids

46. whats your go to hair style?

short and whatever it wants to do when i get out of the shower

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

well i don’t really live in a house rn but my mom’s house is huge she just moved in and it’s crazy big i’m so happy for her also the house i’m gonna move into soon is p small but still cute

48. who is your role model?

idk probably my mom she’s been through a lot and is still going strong

49. what was the last compliment you received?

“you’re so sweet, you know that?” from a client

50. what was the last text you sent?

“nini

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

tbh i have no idea i was probably in elementary school

52. what is your dream car?

something that runs, is either blue or grey, and magically doesn’t cost me anything to drive it

53. opinion on smoking?

it smells terrible and i don’t like to be around people who smoke

54. do you go to college?

yeah i just graduated

55. what is your dream job?

i have no idea i don’t know what i want i haven’t really thought that far ahead but i love my job so far so i’m alright with where i’m at

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

i don’t really have a preference as long as i’m with and near people i care about

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

i don’t think i’ve ever personally done that

58. do you have freckles?

yeah i have a couple scattered around

59. do you smile for pictures?

i make this weird stupid half smile face and i can’t stop

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?

761

61. have you ever peed in the woods?

i have not

62. do you still watch cartoons?

i never want to not watch cartoons

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from wendy’s or mcdonalds?

i don’t like chicken nuggets from anywhere

64. favorite dipping sauce?

wait for what

i like soy sauce for potstickers

65. what do you wear to bed?

usually shorts and a t shirt

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?

no i’m terrible at spelling out loud

67. what are your hobbies?

i like to dance idk not much else tho i guess

68. can you draw?

nooooo

69. do you play an instrument?

i played guitar once but i forgot everything smh

70. what was the last concert you saw?

the bts wings tour

71. tea or coffee?

tea

72. starbucks or dunkin donuts?

dunkin donuts

73. do you want to get married?

yes

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?

e g

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?

i’ve thought about this actually and i’m mostly just hesitant about how difficult it would be to change my name on like all the legal paperwork and like bills and work things and it just sounds super complicated but i wish it could be easier because i hate where my last name comes from and if i married my current gf we would literally have the exact same name and we would be able to confuse people even more and i just think it would be funny

76. what color looks best on you?

black i think

77. do you miss anyone right now?

yes oh my god

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed always closed

79. do you believe in ghosts?

yeah i do

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?

ok i get so mad when i go to a friend’s place who has long hair and i’m walking barefoot through their house or i’m sleeping over or i’m under a blanket or something and it just makes me so mad when i feel dumb long single strands of hair in my toes i hate it so much it makes me so mad idk man but this happened to me last night and i’ve been thinking about it ever since

81. last person you called?

ah well the last phone call that i was on was with the director of all the residential living things at my work

82. favorite ice cream flavor?

idk probably chocolate and vanilla with caramel

83. regular oreos or golden oreos?

regular oreos

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

no sprinkles pls

85. what shirt are you wearing?

black and grey v neck t shirt

86. what is your phone background?

a picture of my gf i took a while back of her from a distance with the river and sunset in the background

87. are you outgoing or shy?

shy with everyone besides my friends

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?

only like a very specific like 2 people but when it’s anyone else i get really uncomfortable with being touched and you’d think that people wouldn’t just come up to you and start touching your hair and telling you how soft it is but it’s more common than you think and it makes me want to d ie

89. do you like your neighbors?

my nonexistent neighbors r gr8

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

i always wash it in the morning but sometimes i wash it at night too if i feel gross from the day

91. have you ever been high?

nope never

92. have you ever been drunk?

yes

93. last thing you ate?

a blizzard from dairy queen with pieces of brownies in it

94. favorite lyrics right now

ok i’m gonna be honest and just say i’m not in a place to listen to music rn i’ve been listening to exclusively podcasts and i have not listened to a song and not zoned out completely during it in a very long time and no lyrics are coming to mind

95. summer or winter?

summer

96. day or night?

night

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?

ah milk or white i guess i’m not a super big fan tho

98. favorite month?

june cuz my birthday also gay

99. what is your zodiac sign

gemini

100. who was the last person you cried in front of?

my dad

Updated AU List

This is a list of the recent AUs I’ve been reblogging…we’re only going to write each one once! Pay attention to this list when asking for an AU :) 

I need new glasses and you’re the optometrist running my vision tests, but your good looks are really freaking distracting

You’re allergic to cats but my cat really likes you my bad

I adopted a kid and you help me take care of them all the time since we’re neighbors, but you came over and got so involved in the kid’s life so much they think that we’re both their parents instead of just me

I got caught in the rain without an umbrella and an attractive stranger is sharing theirs with me

We’re playing Monopoly in the local library and the game just got serious, I think the librarians are about to kick us out

You caught me having a Barbie movie marathon and now I’m trying to keep you from telling anyone about this!

My pet ran away, I got fired from my job, it started raining out of nowhere and I fell in the mud, and you’re just a random stranger at my bus stop but I really need someone to talk to

Alternatively, I’ve always wanted to tell a stranger my life story and I’m choosing you

We got put in the same group for the senior trip

This is a big ass mall and I just got lost, please help me

My rival and I are determined for us and our respective partners to be the ultimate power couple, but you and the other person in our rival couple really don’t care

You keep coming in to get your laptop fixed but I’m pretty sure your breaking it on purpose but you’re cute so I’ll let it slide

I met you at a convention and you’re cosplaying Person B to my OTP and I’m cosplaying Person A

You got me addicted to playing Love Live and I’m ruining my life

I’m an artist who was at shit creek until I met you, so please be my muse, no, I’m not asking you out

I just showed you all the Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life videos and I think I just scarred you for life

I just crashed this wedding and one of the guests just asked me to dance and I’m pretty sure that they know I’m not a guest from either the bride or groom(brides, grooms) fml

Dude check it out this pair of jeans fits us! Shut up, they aren’t sweatpants they’re jeans

I’m donating blood today and I’m afraid of needles

Pack up man; we’re going on a road trip

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but can you go on the bungee jumping thing with me? Cuz I’m too scared to go by myself

I’ve never had a proper conversation with you, but I always see you at this cafe folding paper cranes and I you’re really peaking my interest

I’m forcing you to watch my favorite show and you’re more into it than I am now

We’re having our first argument as a married couple: do we explore this island, or do we stay in bed all day

“I’m trying to make macaroni but I’ve burnt 3 pans and set off the fire alarm and I heard the lady above us say you were a chef please help” AU

“I know we just met yesterday but the landlord is coming over and I have 2 cats please hang out with them for a few hours” AU

“I bought too many popsicles at the store do you want some?” AU“We both got kicked out because our roommates are having sex so now we’re playing poker and talking about gardening” AU

“I locked myself out of my apartment so I have to climb out your window and onto my balcony” AU

“I made too much food wanna come in and help me out oh who set up a table with candles and wine thats weird” AU

“I’m at work and my son needs to be picked up from school do you mind?” AU

“Okay well it turns out you’re really good with kids and my son has started calling you daddy and insists we move in so ‘we can be a real family’” AU

“Your laundry got mixed up with mine somehow and now we’re sitting in silence sorting underwear” AU

“I barely know you but my boyfriend just broke up with me and you heard me crying so you brought over ice cream and movies” AU

“Our dogs whine whenever they’re apart so we spend pretty much every day together” AU

“I walked in on your ex yelling at you so you grabbed me and kissed me  so she’d go away and I’m kind of freaked out I literally just met you last week” AU

“your country’s trying to take over/annex my country and you’re making it difficult to hate you because you’re so nice and attractive stop it” au 

“i’m a prince/ss and you’re a servant and we’re not supposed to hang out but we’re gonna fall in love anyways” au

“i’m a prince/ss and you’re my bodyguard and we’re so not supposed to bang but we kind of did anyways” au (bonus: limo sex is great sex)

princess diaries style “i grew up not knowing i was royal and suddenly my royal grandparent showed up out of nowhere and told me i was so now i guess i’m the heir to the throne and you’re my crush from my pre-royal days but i still have a crush on you” au

“i’m a prince/ss from a small country nobody’s heard of and i’m in college pretending not to be royal and you’re another student who’s always calling me out on my bs” au

“my country’s going through some issues so i’m here in hiding and you’re a civilian who lives in the same apartment complex as me” au

“waiting in line at registration because for some reason, the computer system wouldn’t just let us sign up for classes there” AU

“I don’t mind that my roommate’s boyfriend stays over constantly; I mind that he walks around our apartment-style housing naked” AU

“excuse me, I know we don’t have assigned seats in college, but I’ve been sitting in this one for eight weeks and it seems you’re in my spot” AU

“I’m exhausted, feverish, and hacking up a lung, and the student health center’s first suggestion was pregnancy, can you help me get to the ER in town” AU

“hey, I left my student ID in my room and you’re the first person who’s walked by my building for hours now, I hate to be such a bother but can you pretty please swipe me in, it’s freezing” AU

“bless the spring semester stage combat class for practicing on the North Lawn, because watching my crush get sweaty and worked up while pretending to fight people really Does Things to me, okay” AU

“oh, jesus, that annoying group of LARPers is playing D&D on the lawn underneath my window again and I’m trying to fucking sleep, I have a fucking midterm tomorrow” AU

"there’s a cute punk who I keep chatting up at the bike racks outside the library and one of the lecture halls, and I kinda have a crush, but there’s no way they’d ever think of me like that, right?” AU

“I know that this probably isn’t a good idea but it’s included in the meal plan and I’m stressed out, so I keep hitting the ice cream sundae bar in the buffet style dining hall at least a couple times a week” AU

“fuck shit fuck please help me, I’m supposed to be in chemistry for non-science majors but somehow, my little humanities major ass got registered into the really hardcore chem class” AU

“if I pretend to be interested in your student social activism oriented club and help you hand out flyers and run your bake sale and shit, is there a chance that you’ll go with me to the spring Sleaze Ball dance” AU

“somehow, we always end up sitting next to each other during the weekly gatherings to watch [Game of Thrones, SVU, Rupaul’s Drag Race, pick a show] in our dorm’s really good TV room” AU

“I was abroad last semester and forgot to fill out the housing form, but your old roommate dropped out so hi, hey, how’s it going, I guess we live together now” AU

“wait, you’re not the roommate i requested”

“i wouldn’t have offered you a blunt if i’d known you were the RA”

we both got the same disgusting food at the diner and have no one else to complain to about it

free STI testing at the health clinic… meeting when their hands touch as they reach for a free condom from the giant bowl on the counter

“we’re the only ones that signed up for this club, where the fuck is everyone else”

walking in on hot roommate masturbating oh my god

got caught having an orgy in a classroom in the middle of the night (this has happened at my school. multiple times.)

“we heard meningitis is going around and we’re both terrified and buying hand sanitizer in bulk”

the only ones in the dorm that go out for thirsty thursday

the only competent ones in the group project

“are you asleep on that bench because of midterms, you’re homeless, or you’re dead?”

“omg did you see me pet that squirrel???”

turns out that random hookup from the club sits right next to you in your favorite class

skipping class to get high

“i really need to pass this midterm and rumor has it you have the best study guide”

I’m a barista and you’re the obnoxious customer who comes through and orders a venti macchiato while talking on the phone the whole time so I misspell your name in increasingly creative ways every day AU

I’m a busy businessperson and my barista keeps misspelling my name in increasingly disrespectful ways, honestly, who does this person think they are AU

We were both playing wingman for our friends who have now decided to go home together, and after five minutes of conversation we fucking hate each other, let’s bang it out AU

I saw you trying to hit the “door close” button in the elevator but I made it in and then I pushed every single button to make you later for work, but now we’re stuck in this fucking elevator as it stops at every single floor and I don’t know what to say other than “you started it” AU

I asked for your help getting a book off the top shelf and and you laughed at my taste and called me a nerd so I shoved you into a table of nonfiction best-sellers and that’s how we both got banned from the quirky community bookstore AU

I take my grades very seriously and you’re the lazy asshole who asks a ton of off-topic questions to distract the professor and I might be a foot shorter than you but I swear to god I’ll fight you AU

You tried to barge into a private conversation so I said something devastatingly witty and dismissive but you came back with something even meaner and more clever AU

Shouting match over the last Thanksgiving turkey at the grocery store AU

Survey #281

“is there a method to your madness, is it all about pride? ‘cuz everyone i know, they’ve got a demon inside.”

Has anyone ever told you that you looked like a celebrity? No, just a video game character and an animated movie girl when I had black hair. What color is the pillowcase(s) on your bed? Brown. Do you have a favorite day of the week? Tuesday because it’s reset day in WoW and as a mount farmer, that means I get to try my raids for the week again to continue to be denied. :’) Have you ever been in an art show? An art show, I don’t think so. I’ve had two or three things in an art museum, though. Would you consider yourself to be well-exposed to life or sheltered? I’m pretty split down the middle, I’d say. I’ve seen far more emotional pain than I think most young adults have, but at the same time, I’ve very under-exposed to adult experiences. How high is your pain tolerance? It depends on the type of pain. I can particularly say I do NOT handle stomach pains well, though. Have you ever played the game Halo? Nah, those weren’t my type. Have you ever had to learn lines for a play/skit/movie? Only songs sung together for plays in elementary school. Never solo. Do you like your nose? … Sure? Kissing someone with facial hair, do you mind? I don’t care. Would you ever like to be a stunt person? I’m fucking dumb, I read this and thought “you mean little people?” until I read the last person’s answer lmaooo. Anyway, no. I’m not ballsy enough for that shit. Are you a pyromaniac? I find fire pretty, but it still can scare me if I’m too close to it. Are you one of those people who listen to songs on repeat? 110%, it’s literally what I’m doing now lmao. Can any of your friends sing very well? SARA. Would you ever enter any kind of pageant? No, no, no, no. I really don’t support pageants of any type I can think of, beauty in particular. What a way to scream “HEY THEY’RE BETTER THAN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, again, especially in beauty pageants. That fucks people up. What a way to start things like self-loathing, eating disorders, body dysphoria, etc. Do you have piano fingers? Mom has always told me that, “like Grammy.” Have you ever slept on a beach? YIKES, no. I ain’t fuckin’ with the tides going in and out or just a massive wave. I’d also feel WAY too vulnerable. Would you like to be taller? I’m cool with my current height. Are you a fan of piercings on the opposite sex? I just like piercings in general. Have you ever been attacked by an animal? No, besides play getting too rough. Is there a movie that makes you cry every single time you watch it? It’s easy to do that lol. The Notebook in particular will 100% make me tear up. What's your opinion on Johnny Depp? He’s an incredibly talented actor that I find very attractive, but I don’t know him as a person. Can you speak in different accents? Just British and southern. Who was the last person you mocked/mimicked? My nephew, playfully of course. If you write, isn't writer's block the most horrible thing? THE ABSOLUTE WORST. What size shirt do you normally wear? Ugggghhh generally 2XL, I think. It can be one size smaller or one size larger depending on the shirt. Has anyone ever aimed a gun at you? Yikes, no. Have you ever written a song? Just poems. Do you believe there is life on other planets? It’s possible, but I don’t particularly lean a certain way, I think. The universe is just… infinite, you know? But also the circumstances that life rose within Earth were so remarkably perfect to support it that I don’t entirely know if it’s been duplicated elsewhere. When was the last time you fell? Around two weeks ago? I have extremely low blood pressure naturally but also amplified by medications’ side effects, and I got out of bed too fast when I woke up. Hurt my knees pretty bad and barely missed my head hitting the couch. Do you have any sort of debt? I do NOT want to think about this. Is there a specific time period that interests you? The era of dinosaurs of course, as well as the Renaissance, just to name a couple. Do any of your friends own an expensive car? *shrugs* Have you ever been on a train? No. Have you ever been in a parade? No. Are you, or anyone you know, an atheist? I know plenty. Have you ever sent a celebrity fan mail? No. Have you ever been in a musical? No. Is there a friend's family that makes you feel like you're family too? Yeah, Sara’s. Even though I’ve only been with them not that long of a time, they’re wonderful and made me feel so welcome. Do you ever have a fear of getting close to new people? Boy, do I!!!!! It’s funny though, because at the same time, I want to be close with people; I want to rush to the point I have a close friend. It’s weird. What is the worst things about work? N/A And the best? N/A Do you like to sleep in? Not really, honestly. I feel groggy and lazier than I naturally am lmao. Do you like to be an early bird? Well I’m in my best mood in the morning, but I don’t like waking up early. However, I’ve been planning a morning routine to adopt once we move that involves waking up at like 7 or so, so we’ll see how much I enjoy mornings then. But oh boy do I have a habit of saying I’ll do something and then not doing it, so… What is something you notice you just don't watch? History stuff and usually action. Last thing that bothered you even if just a little bit? Something Miss Tobey said to me a few days ago. Last thing that seemed a blessing from above? I don’t believe in supernatural “blessings,” but I’ll bite. The thing that made me happiest recently was uhhhh… I actually don’t know. Nothing that REALLY felt “blessing-ish.” Do you usually drink diet or regular soda? Regular; I can’t do diet. It tends to taste horrible but more importantly the artificial sweetener gives me a wicked headache. Are you on a diet? Not a diet, no. I’m more so just trying to make it a habit to simply eat better and not snack. Someone you highly respect who is not in your family? Sara’s dad. Did you say 'goodnight' to anyone last night? I don’t think I did. Does anyone ever comment on the appearance of your handwriting? People tend to point out it’s really nice. Have you looked at anyone's Facebook profile lately? Whose? Nah. Did you have a cake for your last birthday? What kind? Yeah, red velvet. Can you recall the first horror film you ever watched? How old were you? I actually don’t think I can. Maybe Paranormal Activity? Or The Blair Witch Project? When’s the last time that you mailed a letter or a package to someone, and who was it to? Sara’s bday gift I think. The last book that you checked out from the library? I haven’t done that in years. What was your pet’s last vet visit concerning? Roman got neutered, and the only time I took Venus to the vet was when I first got her and she refused food for almost a year. Changed the tactic of warming the mouse up and she was more than happy to snag it. Which animals do you tend to go check out first at the pet store? The reptiles, because they’re closest and also my favorite section. Last medication or item that you picked out from the drugstore? Nicole picked up a bunch of my prescriptions that needed refilling. Do you usually have a big list or a small list when you go to the grocery store? I don’t do the shopping here, so it’s not my choice. How much was the last check you deposited? How about the last amount that you took out? I have no clue. Have you ever been admitted into the emergency room? For what? Being suicidal and then a suicide attempt. Have you ever been arrested before? Ridden in the back of a police car? No to the first, but yes to the second because that’s just how you’re transported from the ER to the psych hospital here. Have you ever been a victim of a house fire? Thank God no. When did you graduate high school? 2014. How much gas can fit in your gas tank? N/A Does your vehicle break down a lot? N/A What’s the longest you’ve ever had to wait before being seated at a sit-down restaurant? I want to say at LEAST 45 minutes once. Can’t remember why it was so busy, though. Have you ever had a cavity before? How about a root canal? A tooth pulled? Braces? I’ve had cavities and braces, but thank Christ no root canals, and I’ve never had to have a tooth pulled by the dentist, either. Which art forms do you appreciate the most? Man, you can’t ask this to someone who enjoys art so deeply. Like I really don’t know what I enjoy *most*. Music can give me chills, poetry can be so rich and, well, poetic, and traditional artwork strikes awe and makes you wonder how they do it. I just adore art. What is your favorite zoo animal that you would like to set free? To start, I have very mixed feelings about zoos, but I guess I am *mostly* in favor of humane, adequately providing captivity to a certain degree as this allows for conservation of especially endangered species, and zoos also make it easier to study and understand the silent voices of those we share the earth with. As well, they offer a safe environment to expose the fearful to all sorts of animals, and I feel it is very, very important for humans as the alpha species to care for and understand (as best our language barriers allow) our wonderful neighbors. That being said, I definitely believe that a lot of zoos under-provide for their animals, and this is horribly heartbreaking so that I absolutely disagree with their “right” to own and display animals, but for this specific question, I am going to use my state’s zoo as the standard here. Ashboro, imo is pretty damn great and generous to their animals (you should see the miles of land the elephants, bison, antelope, and rhinos have!), but the exhibit that comes to mind first when mentioning animals I’d like to set free iiiis… you know, I don’t know. I was going to say the polar bears since it can get STUPID hot here in the summer and their abode doesn’t have a great amount of ice that survives the sun, but at the same time I’d be very wary about returning a polar bear home for… obvious reasons. I say “I don’t know” because I’m not gonna pretend to know what ample space is for so many different kinds of animals. Damn, now I really wanna go there. Wow this was a long answer to a p simple question lmao. Favorite kind of fish? I don’t have a distinctly “favorite” fish, really. I don’t know enough of ‘em, but I can say I really like clownfish and angelfish. What kinds of museum artifacts fascinate you? Whew, as someone who took Art History just last year in school, ancient art pieces of all sorts! It is so, so fascinating, watching the evolution of art and to see how the urge to just create extends so, so far back into history. Have you ever gone to court before? For a disability case, yes. Also to convince a judge that I didn’t need to stay in a mental hospital for I think the original plan was around six months. What is the last song that you danced to? Ha ha I watching Hotel Transylvania with my niece and nephew and did the macarena with ‘em. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink? Margaritas or sangrias. Is there anyone that you’ve visited in jail? No. Are you more likely to fly in an airplane, or pick people up/drop them off at the airport? Historically, pick people up. Which sporting event would you be most likely to sit through? Dance competitions. Favorite flavor of ice cream? Cone or dish? Any sprinkles? My favorite Basic Bitch flavor is vanilla, just with chocolate syrup. Cone or dish just depends on what I’m feelin’, really. I hate sprinkles on anything; the texture throws me off. Have you ever cut your own hair? No. What do you eat most frequently? Uggghhhh some form of bread, probably. Are you a fan of video games? Yeah, but not as much as I used to be. What's your favorite color combination? Idk really, I like a lot. I will say though that orange and black excites me bc Halloween Vibes. Did you share a locker at school? No. What's one sport you could never play? Wrestling, ew. Have you ever sung karaoke? Oh god no. What is the oldest age you think should wear makeup? lmao BRO tell me this a joke How old were you when you went on your first date? Idr, sometime in the 7th grade, if group dates in middle school even count? lol Has anyone besides your family seen you naked? Yeah. If so, who? An ex and probably doctors at some point? Did your parents sign you up for anything you hated as a child? Sunday school, really. Have you purchased any cool objects from a foreign country? Considering I’ve never left the country, no. Are you on a laptop or a desktop computer right now? I only have a laptop. Do you remember anyone's number by heart? No, but I seriously need to memorize my mom’s. Do you live above, below, or on the Equator? Above. Do you know how to use Photoshop? I know how to do a decent number of things, but I’m definitely no expert. Where was your first job? I was a sales associate at GameStop. What's the best place you have ever eaten? Olive Garden is fucking fantastic, fite me about it. Do you own a hair straightener? No, I don’t need one. Are you barefoot right now? I always am at home unless it’s cold enough to need slippers. Are you subscribed to any magazine? Nah. Do you need AC right now? No; it’s actually pretty cold inside rn. Do more people call you by a nickname or your first name? It’s just a derivative of my first name; “Britt.” But I guess that classifies as a nickname. Name something you're proud of. Deciding to actually *try* to move on and making massive progress through it with That Person. Lately I’ve wondered if I truly have, though. My PTSD has been really bad of the late. Does any accent annoy you? I can’t say it “annoys” me, given you can’t really control your accent, but I do find it difficult to understand extremely southern accents, even as a local. Do you take vitamins? This just reminded me I’ve been out of my Vitamin D prescription for a while… oops. I’m supposed to take it for my legs. When was the last time you took aspirin or some other pain reliever? Yesterday, actually. I had a pretty bad headache. When was the last time you deeply regretted something? God, last night, I was remembering and accepting some things. Lemme just say I regret the everloving fuck out of the subject. What is something that you regularly wear that makes you stand out? Besides my lip ring, nothing in particular. Do you prefer small birthday parties or big ones? Small. I just don’t like big gatherings in general. What song are you listening to now? “Creatures X: To The Grave” by Motionless In White. What was the most traumatic experience of your life? The breakup w/ Jason. I’ve told the story enough in surveys and I don’t wanna recite it again. Who was your childhood best friend? Brianna. Are you still friends now? On Facebook, anyway, but we don’t talk. If not, why? We just drifted apart. What is one career you don't think you could do no matter how much it paid? Butcher. No fucking way. Have you ever edited Wikipedia? No. Have you ever edited any other wiki? Oh yeah; I’m an admin at the Silent Hill wiki and have invested hours upon hours upon hours helping out there for years. I’m also a content moderator at the Team Ico wiki, and I’ve also assisted a lot at the meerkats wiki because it is a fucking grammatical and formatting catastrophe. I think that’s it? Wait no, I did a few fixes on the Dragons of Atlantis wiki when it was still at the Kabam website, too. Is there a website [besides social networking] that you check almost daily? Yeah, a few. Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? I wouldn’t say I get scared, no. Just more aware and cautious. What’s the worst illness you’ve had? I’ve had a fucking wicked stomach virus before. (TMI alert?) I would not stop puking to the point it was agonizing to the point of tears because my muscles were so exhausted. Which do you prefer: M&M's, Skittles, or Reese's Pieces? BITCH can I choose all???? But in almost any chocolate-related case, I will choose a Reese’s product. Where on your body would you never get a tattoo? I don’t plan on getting a face tattoo, or at least a big one. Maybe something small and cute. OH YEAH EW absolutely never getting my sclera tattooed. That looks painful as a motherfucker. Honestly, have you ever stuck gum under a table or desk? No, that shit is disgusting. If your parents could read your thoughts, would you be in trouble? Not usually. Mom might be mad sometimes when I’m angry at her. Have you ever egged somebody's house or car? No, that’s childish as shit. My childhood house was egged once, so it pisses me off especially. Do you like licorice? UGH no, that shit is disgusting. Did anybody ever read bedtime stories to you when you were younger? My mom did. Which natural disaster do you find the most terrifying? Tornadoes or earthquakes. Do you have a favorite Johnny Depp movie? What is it? Alice in Wonderland. If I gave you a Yo-Yo right now, could you do any tricks? Nope.

1: My name? - Rudy Jay White

2: Do I have any nicknames? - At my old job they used to call me Rude Dog, Whitey, Rudy Rude

3: Zodiac sign? - Libra

4: Video game I play to chill, not to win? - I rarely play video games nowadays. The last game I played was Left 4 Dead 2, about three weeks ago. 

5: Book/series I reread? - I reread The Notebook recently. But I usually reread Jurassic Park and The Lost World every so often. 

6: Aliens or ghosts? - Ghosts? 

7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write? - Is this asking about an author? If so, then  Michael Crichton, or Jack London

8: Favourite radio station? - 101.5

9: Favourite flavour of anything? - I usually get strawberry flavored stuff.

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great? - Awesome

11: Favourite song? - Master Of Puppets is my all time favorite.

12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better? - What do you do when you’re not working/in your free time

13: Favourite word? - Awesome, probably

14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them? - Yes.

15: Last song I listened to? - Beast and the Harlot. I finally downloaded Avenged Sevenfold on my phone and I forgot how awesome they are

16: TV show I always recommend? - Inuyasha

17: Pirates or ninjas? - Ninjas

18: Movie I watch when I'm feeling down? - Jurassic Park 

19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song? - Party Monster

20: Favourite video games? - CS:GO, MW2 when it first came out and I was in my gaming/tryhard years, Halo 2 and 3. 

21: What am I most afraid of? - Being single for the rest of my life, honestly. I see older guys with the same job as me, that are single, that just work and work and work. They try to get all the overtime they can. Sure, they have a shitload of money, but I don’t know how they do it, I don’t know what motivates them. Maybe it’s just because I just recently got out of a relationship, but I can’t imagine myself just working and going home to an empty house, with no one to come home to, talk to, and spend my life with. 

22: A good quality of mine? - I think before I talk/act. So I rarely do stupid shit.  

23: A bad quality of mine? - I’m too quiet. I’m awkward. My social skills are lacking.

24: Cats or dogs? - Dogs

25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they're in? - Emma Watson probably. Or Leo DiCaprio.

26: Favourite season? - Summer

27: Am I in a relationship? - Nope.

28: Something I miss? - Looking forward to seeing/spending time with someone, and using that as motivation to get through a shitty or hard day at work.

29: My best friend? - I don’t have a best friend anymore. Lol I only have friends and acquaintances. 

30: Eye colour? - Brown

31: Hair colour? - Black

32: Someone I love? - My nephew is one of the people I love.

33: Someone I trust? - My dad

34: Someone I always think about? - N/A. 

35: Am I excited about anything? - Having my own room again. Looool

36: My current obsession? - Doing everything I can to stay positive. 

37: Favourite TV shows as a child? - Inuyasha

38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to? - I used to.

39: Am I superstitious? - Yes. For example, in high school, for soccer games, I’d make sure to wear the shinguard sleeves and socks that I played well in, and if I didn’t have a red bull before a game, everything was ruined. Lol

40: What do I think about most? - Just staying positive. 

41: Do I have any strange phobias? - Nope

42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? - Behind it. 

43: Favourite hobbies? - Soccer

44: Last book I read? - The Notebook

45: Last film I watched? - Moana

46: Do I play any instruments? - Nope, but I wish I could play guitar

47: Favourite animal? - Bald Eagle cuz Murica

48: Top 5 blog on Tumblr that I follow? - sex, allxfoo, fusterclucked, fuckyeahmanchesterunited, kayytam

49: Superpower I wish I could have? - Teleportation? Or super speed or flying. Something that I can move from place to place very fast.

50: How do I destress? - For the past two months I’ve been writing everything down to vent and organize all my thoughts. I still am not sure if that helps me, since it makes me think about things I want to forget, but I still do it if the urge/anxiety is too much.

51: Do I like confrontation? - No. I hate that I don’t. My personality just doesn’t like it. I wish I could stand up to people. 

52: When do I feel most at peace? - If I had to answer this question five months ago, it would be a very different answer. But now, it’s when all my family is home, my parents, my sister and my nephews, and I know they’re all safe. 

53: What makes me smile? - Spending time with my nephew.

54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off? - Off

55: Play any sports? - Soccer

56: What is my song of the week? - Lol I was singing along to The Middle when it was playing on the radio on my way home from work on Thursday, and I actually listened to the lyrics and laughed my ass off. 

57: Favourite drink? - Alcoholic drink? STP

58: When did I last send a handwritten letter to somebody? - Last handwritten one was 11/24/2016.  

59: Afraid of heights? - A bit.

60: Pet peeve? - Lack of communication.

61: What was the last concert I went to see? - Lol I guess it was Esta

62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian? - Nope.

63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger? - Paleontologist

64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy? - Yup

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of? - The wizarding world

66: Something I worry about? - Never moving on.

67: Scared of the dark? - I little bit.

68: Who are my best friends? - No more

69: What do I admire most about others? - Their ability to think quickly, and explain everything that is on their mind effectively.

70: Can I sing? - Noooooooo

71: Something I wish I could do? - Be charismatic. 

72: If I won the lottery, what would I do? - Get a GMC Canyon Denali Diesel. And lift it. Buy a house for my sister. Probably give the rest of it to my parents, since they’d probably have a better idea of what to do with all of it.  And I’d also pay for someones tuition. 

73: Have I ever skipped school? - Yes

74: Favourite place on the planet? - Again, very different answer if I was asked this five months ago. Lol. But probably in my bed now.

75: Where do I want to live? - Preferably here on Oahu. But if I gotta move then I would. 

76: Do I have any pets? - Two dogs, one bird.

77: What is my current desktop picture? - I have it cycle between a picture of Old Trafford, the Manchester United logo, and a picture of me kicking a ball.

78: Early bird or night owl? - Really depends. As long as my mind and body stay stimulated, I’ll wake up early or stay up for a very long time.

79: Sunsets or sunrise? - Sunsets

80: Can I drive? - Yes

81: Story behind my last kiss? - A kiss on a forehead to say goodbye.

82: Earphones or headphones? - Headphones. Earphones if I don’t have my headphones. 

83: Have I ever had braces? - Yes

84: Story behind one of my scars? - I slipped.

85: Favourite genre of music? - Heavy metal

86: Who is my hero? - My dad

87: Favourite comic book character? - Deadpool

88: What makes me really angry? - Me.

89: Kindle or real book? - Real book

90: Favourite sporty activity? - Idk soccer? Lifting?

91: What is one thing that isn’t tight in schools that should be? - Idk. Teaching things that people will actually use in the real world.

92: What was my favourite subject at school? - English

93: Siblings? - Two older sisters

94: What was the last thing I bought? - I ordered a yeti roadie. Lol

95: How tall am I? - 5′7″

96: Can I cook? - Lol no. I can cook like three dishes.

97: Can I bake? - Nope

98: 3 things I love? - My family, soccer, Manchester United

99: 3 things I hate? - How slow time is, but at the same time how fast it is, how socially awkward I am, myself.

100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends? - Dudes.

101: Who do I get on with better, girls or boys? - Idk I guess guys. I don’t talk to any girls. Lol

102: Where was I born? - Honolulu, Hawaii

103: Sexual orientation? - Straight.

104: Where do I currently live? - With my parents? Lol.  7EwaFKNBeach6

105: Last person I texted? - My mom

106: Last time I cried? - Last week Monday or Tuesday I forget.

107: Guilty pleasure? - CHEEZ IT

108: Favourite Youtuber? - G18

109: A photo of myself. - I’ll post it after if I remember.

110: Do I like selfies? - I don’t take much pictures of myself.

111: Favourite game app? - I used to play tsum tsum a lot.

112: My relationship with my parents? - Pretty good I guess? 

113: Favourite accents? - British

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit? - Old Trafford

115: Favourite number? - Either 2 or 7

116: Can I juggle? - Nope

117: Am I religious? - Nope

118: Do I like space? - I like looking at it.

119: Do I like the deep ocean? - Lol dark blue water is scary af

120: Am I much of a daredevil? - I would say that I’m a lot more cautious than most people, because I’ve been taught to see all the hazards and worst possible scenarios that can happen and that kinda stuff, but I can be very reckless with my own well being.

121: Am I allergic to anything? - I can’t wear metal necklaces or stuff like that. The back of my neck would breakout in a rash. Idk. 

122: Can I curl my tongue? - Sure

123: Can I wiggle my ears? - Nope

124: Do I like clowns? - Don’t really care for them

125: The Beatles or Elvis? - The Beatles

126: My current project? - Staying positive

127: Am I a bad loser? - Mmmmm depends. If I really worked and tried my best and wanted something then yeah, I’m salty af when I lose.

128: Do I admit when I’m wrong? - Yes. 

129: Forest or beach? - Beach

130: Favourite piece of advice? - Everything happens for a reason. Everything will work itself out in time. 

131: Am I a good liar? - No. Which is why I don’t really ever lie. Lol

132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district? - I think I took that test online and I ended up in Slytherin?

133: Do I talk to myself? - A lot.

134: Am I very social? - Noooope.

135: Do I like gossip? - Lol nope.

136: Do I keep a journal/diary? - I was writing everyday for a month and a half. But I stopped that. I only write now if I cannot handle the anxiety. 

137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test? - Lol when I took the test for the shipyard I was dying

138: Do I believe in second chances? - Yes. People change. People learn. 

139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do? Probably turn it in. 

140: Do I believe people are capable of change? - Yes. If they really want to change, or things happen that causes them to change.

141: Have I ever been underweight? - Idk I’ve always been skinny

142: Am I ticklish? - A bit

143: Have I ever been in a submarine? - Yes

144: Have I ever been on a plane? - Yes

145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family? - This question is dumb. Lol. But I would be Jay Baruchel from She’s Out of my League

146: Have I ever been overweight? - Nope.

147: Do I have any piercings? - Nope

148: Which fictional character do I wish was real? - DOBBY

149: Do I have any tattoos? - Nope

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far? - Mmm I would say just doing my best to not be a cunt. Lol. Not to burn bridges, not to ruin friendships or relationships with moments of stupidity or frustration.

151: Do I believe in Karma? - I do. Which is why I do what I said in the last question. 

152: Do I wear glasses or contacts? - Nope

153: What was my first car? - I guess the car I drive now, which is my moms car technically. 2005 Nissan Altima

154: Do I want children? - In like ten years.

155: Who is the most intelligent person I know? - My dad is really smart, and all his old coworkers, which are now my current coworkers, tell me that all the time.

156: My most embarrassing memory? - Not really but I still cringe, when I sang karaoke. Anyway you want it, that’s the way you need it! T_T Looool

157: What makes me nostalgic? - Living by my elementary school again. Living in the house I grew up in. Every time I walk by the school, all the memories come back, and I wonder where all the time went.

158: Have I ever pulled an all-nighter? - Many.

159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty? - Brains

160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe? - Black or blue

161: Have I ever had a paranormal experience? - Nah not really

162: What do I hate most about myself? - Well shit. The fact that I lost the girl that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, because I treated her poorly, because I was getting used to my new schedule at work, so I had a short temper with her, and I took her for granted, always thinking I could spend time with her another day. It really was my fault that she decided to ask for a break. It really was my fault that she thought about a life where we weren’t together, a life with less stress and less bullshit.  

163: What do I love most about myself? - Lol fuck now I gotta think about this. I guess how I’m loyal. And how I don’t talk shit about people, or do anything behind people’s backs. 

164: Do I like adventure? - Sometimes. If I’m in the mood. Lol

165: Do I believe in fate? - Yes. Most definitely. 

166: Favourite animal? - See #47

167: Have I ever been on radio? - Nope

168: Have I ever been on TV? - Not that I know of

169: How old am I? - 22 years old

170: One of my favourite quotes? - “ The people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you, no matter how far they wander”

171: Do I hold grudges? - Nooooo

172: Do I trust easily? - Mmm, no not really. I guess that’s why it takes forever for me to open up to people, or get comfortable with people

173: Have I learnt from my mistakes? - Yes. I have.

174: Best gift I’ve ever received? - I guess it would be the friendship and memories and lessons that I have learned in the past three years. 

175: Do I dream? - Every so often.

176: Have I ever had a night terror? - As in sleep paralysis? I haven’t had that in a very long time. 

177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind? - Yes. A dream I don’t want to dream for awhile, since it only makes me hurt after. 

178: An experience that has made me stronger? - The last three years. The last two months. 

179: If I were immortal, what would I do? - Dumb shit. Lol. If I was gonna live forever, I probably would make an effort to make other peoples lives better, or their day brighter in some way. 

180: Do I like shopping? - I spend too much money on things I don’t need.

181: If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do? - Something that I would acquire a lot of money.

182: What does “family” mean to me? - Being completely comfortable with them, being able to tell them anything, and going through shit with them and still being able to make things work afterward. You can trust them. It doesn’t have to be blood related. It could be friends that you just get super close with, and then you can say that they’re family. 

183: What is my spirit animal? - Sloth. Lol. Idk maybe a wolf. 

184: How do I want to be remembered? - That guy that kept his head down and did his job and didn’t do any dumb shit. Lol

185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose? - SOCIAL SKILLS

186: What is my greatest failure? - Probably not going to college and playing soccer in college. That’s what I wanted growing up, and that’s what my dad pushed me for, and sent me on all those trips and spent those thousands and thousands of dollars on me for. I think about that all the time. How it seems like a waste of money now. Idk. 

187: What is my greatest achievement? - Idk. Maybe getting this job.

188: Love or money? - Love.

189: Love or career? - These two questions are kind of the same. But I would pick career, for this one. I know that’s what I did four months ago. And I know that the way I went about it was wrong. I was focused too much on my job. I was so happy I had a job that I could be proud of. But I didn’t balance it out. I didn’t balance work and my girlfriend. I put all my energy into work, because of the hours, and the learning, so I didn’t have energy for her. In spite of all that, after losing her, I still pick career, because I’m still young, because I learned my lesson, because I still have time to make a relationship work. I still have time to make it all work. I don’t wanna end up old and alone. And also, because I lost her, I really really can’t lose this job. I really don’t know what I would do if I did. 

190: If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go? - Three years ago, when I got home from the hospital after I had surgery on my arm. I would gladly start over from there. 

191: What makes me the happiest? - My nephew. He makes me happy.

192: What is “home” to me? - It used to be someplace else, but now, it’s the house that I live in with my family. 

193: What motivates me? - The fact that I’m still young, I have a good frickin job, and I’m decent looking. Lol. And that I wanna work to get better everyday, for myself, for my family, for her

194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be? - “lol fuk.” Nah umm probably still “Forever and Always.” Just cause

195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens? - If I don’t get abducted

196: A movie that scared me as a child? - Signs

197: Something I hated as a child that I like now? - Onions

198: Zombies or vampires? - Zombies are easier to kill I think

199: Live in the city or suburbs? - Suburbs

200: Dragons or wizards? - I like be one wizard

201: A nightmare that has stayed with me? - I used to have dreams where I’d be driving a car and I guess I’d go off a cliff or something and I’d be falling in the car. But the dream would always end before impact or whatever.

202: How do I define love? - This is gonna suck. Love is when you look forward to seeing them, every second of the day. When you already miss them, five seconds after walking out the door, after saying goodbye for ten minutes. When their voice, and their laugh, sounds so beautiful, like the sweetest and most uplifting song, and instantly brightens your day. When you memorize everything they talk about, what they like, dislike, and every comment and every random story they say that they think is irrelevant, but you still memorize and take to heart. When you memorize every little detail of their face. When you look into their eyes, and it entrances you. When you look into their eyes and you can’t imagine doing that with anyone else. When you look into their eyes and see everything you want and need. When you hold them, and they’re holding you, and you feel so happy, so content, that it feels like home. But love is also when you still want to do all that stuff, you still want to hold them, after they have been stressing you and frustrating you. After disagreements, after fights. Or after a long shitty day at work. Love is hard. It’s complicated. And it takes a lot of work and communication.

203: Do I judge a book by its cover? - When I was younger, yes. But I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve met  a lot of people that have changed my views

204: Have I ever had my heart broken? - Yes.

205: Do I like my handwriting? - Lol it’s ugly. I write really small.

206: Sweet or savoury? Savoury

207: Worst job I’ve had? - I guess that would be my first job. Hard labor, low pay. But I could call in sick like once a week at that job. Lol

208: Do I collect anything? - Naaah

209: Item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without? - I feel so naked without a watch on when I’m out of the house. 

210: What is on my bucket list? - Go to Old Trafford and watch Manchester United play

211: How do I handle anger? - I do my best to chill and think about why I’m getting angry.

212: Was I named after anyone? - Not that I know of.

213: Do I use sarcasm a lot? - Not as much now. I’m really boring now. Lol. I’m too serious now.

214: What TV character am I most like? - Either Ross Geller or Ted Mosby

215: What is the weirdest talent I have? - My ability to be so nonchalant about a lot of stuff, but super crazy serious about other stuff. Idk. Lol

216: Favourite fictional character? - Snape

Survey #238

“crimson calligraphy written on the trees, creature from the grave, headless and hellbent for me.”

Have you ever played golf? Like, mini-golf. Is there a lake near your house? No, but there's two small ponds down the road. Have you ever made your own pizza or pasta dough? No. Have you ever watched an entire season of a tv show in one day? Uhhhhh how long are the first few seasons of Supernatural? Because Jason and I fucking binged it, and I honestly think that's partially the reason I don't even enjoy TV anymore. Like I liked the show, but jfc it became torture at some point. Not his fault at all, I just never pointed it out. BUT ANYWAY, it's definitely possible we did. What did you have for dinner tonight (or last night)? A ham and cheese hot pocket. Do your parents do things that ‘embarrass’ you? This is so mean, but my mom makes the cringiest jokes and such imo that gives me mad secondhand embarrassment. Do you like any Bon Jovi songs? Yeah, a decent handful. Who was the last person you were in a car with? Mom. Do you give people second chances? Ha, more than "second." How’re things between you and your most recent ex? We're totally great. Really as if we didn't even break up, considering I mean... nothing emotionally has changed. We just know that being together right now isn't the wise decision. It's frustrating as hell, though. We've already established we're not going to "wait" for each other, but neither of us are actively looking for a new partner, either. I want her, and from what I can tell, she wants me, too. We kinda just... don't talk about how unfair it all is anymore because we both get too upset. I was even supposed to go up there with her and her fam for her birthday and Christmas, but that's changed because she and I agree it's too soon after splitting, making it only more difficult to be around each other. We'd want to cuddle and kiss and such by instinct, so we're trying to wait until the wound isn't as fresh. Though honestly, I don't know how visiting period would go consider as said, there has been zero change in romantic attraction. Ugh yeah I just hope she figures out what she wants and all and we can get back together. Have you been to a wedding this year? No. I'm going to my half-sister's next year, though. Are you an aunt or uncle? Yes, and another niece is on her way. :') Do you expect to be married in the next two years? Probably not. What season is your birthday in? Winter. Have you ever been hunting? Fuck that shit. How often do you walk around barefoot? Always in my own house + in other houses if I'm allowed to take my shoes off. When you eat take-out, do you just eat it out of the containers provided? Usually, but it does depend on what food it is. Ex., those little boxes that have rice in them from Chinese places? I'm using a bowl. From the container is just messy. Would you need to sleep with someone before considering marrying them? Nah. Do you carry condoms? No. Would you date someone who has a hearing aid? ... Yes...? "No" is just... so rude?? Like that is something the person absolutely cannot help, nor is it a HUGE thing. It's just a hearing aid, dude. How organized are the files on your computer? Pretty decent. Folders and such. Could be better still, probably. Have you ever been to a strip club? Nah, not my scene. Have you ever brought home a stray animal? Pleeeeenty of cats. Are you physically strong? No, especially not my legs. I've got a newborn fawn's legs, jc. Still working on building the muscle back up. Would you date someone with braces? Oh my god, fuck off. Yes I would. I was the person with braces dating someone without them, so 1.) I obviously can't say shit, 2.) they're taking care of their goddamn teeth, and 3.) I dunno, wearing braces has no goddamn impact on personality???????????? Does scuba diving interest you? Not to an incredible degree, but it'd be cool. Would you ever ask your parents for relationship advice? Maybe for certain topics. Do you think people look up to you? Y'know that "oh no hunty WHAT is u doin" meme??? That's me if someone does. How often do you have trouble sleeping at night? *blinking* There are people who don't??????? Do you blush easily? Ohhhhhh yes. Do you get angry at yourself or at others more often? Hm. Not sure. Can you name five current world leaders? AHAHA nope. How many times have you had the flu? Zero. Do you think imagination is valuable? Oh hell yes. We would be NOWHERE CLOSE to where we are as animals without it. Who or what are you most impatient with? I don't know. When was the last time you mowed a lawn? Never. Have you seen all of the Star Wars films? No; seen only the first three with a friend and saw zero appeal. He didn't either. How about all of the Harry Potter ones, so far? I haven't even seen one. Jason and I started the first one together but. Paid way more attention to each other than the movie lmfao. What part of the newspaper do you typically enjoy reading? None. I collect my school's papers now though 'cuz I'm the photographer for it. :') Have you ever made a website, even a simple one? Four that I remember. The ancient and now-defunct ones were back when I think this site called Wetpaint was a host for simple sites, and a lot of us RPers posted our mob info and stuff there. I had one for Talons, one for Connrads. Ha, out of curiosity, I think I looked for them not all too long ago since I never actually deleted them, but I think the site itself was re-purposed. NOW, I have a Wix site for my photography, and then Kalahari Manor is a ProBoards-hosted site. Which was better: your childhood or your teen years? Jfc, childhood. Teen years were a chaotic and rancid cesspit in terms of mental health. What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? I truly imagine that realizing I was *in love* with Jason surpassed what a high probably feels like lmao. What does it take for someone to win your heart? I'm actually putting thought into this one and I think what appeals to me in a person most is just being friendly with a good sense of humor and obvious, shameless concern for others. AND JFC, HAVE EMOTION. Don't be a brick wall with me. Lacking an emotional side, positive or negative, is such a turn-off to me. I'm not attracted to robots. Being a gentle person is important, and for me personally, you need to actually act like you're into me. Not just between us. Do not make me a secret. AND BE CREATIVE AND WEIRD AND FRESH!!!!!!!!!!! There's nothing wrong with more "vanilla" people, but just for me myself, I need someone who stands out for some good reason. lol okay this answer's actually getting kinda long, I'll stop. There's a number of ways. What is one thing you would rather be doing? Ha ha yo real talk, Sara and I are getting all emotional and deep into our relationship, platonic or romantic, and I want me and her in her bed right now tearing each other up alsdkjfla;kwejre I love her a lot ok. When was the last time you changed your mind about something? OKAY SO I started a new birth control, right? It. Sent. Me. BACK. With my PTSD. How? Idfk, but I was suddenly obsessing over Him again, badly. I stopped that shit, and wha'd'ya know, two days later, I'm like "lol wtf I don't want him why did that just happen hunty was u ok????????". SO YEAH, that was a trip. Do you know anyone with a lisp? I'm not sure. Possibly. How much weight can you lift at once? No clue. Not a lot. Do you ask guys out, or wait for them to ask you out? I've never asked a guy out, but I wouldn't say I wouldn't. Do you like the last person who showed interest in you? I love her. Describe the last person you stared at? I have no idea. Do you like dating one person at a time, or multiple people? I'm personally monogamous. Have your experiences made you more or less sympathetic to others? MORE. Do you find smoking unattractive? I do. Have your parents ever searched your personal belongings? Mom has. Where did you get your last bruise from? ... Well. This is uh. Awkward. Tying into when I was on that medicine that made my libido fucking uncontrollable (thank the fucking lord I'm back to normal), my breasts are lookin rough, sister. Are you looking forward to anything? Nothing in the VERY near future, I think. A bit further off, Christmas. I can't wait to see the kids so excited again, and for once, we come together as a true family. Plus my #1 wish is to have my Mark tattoo improved at an amazing parlor, and I'm pretty sure that'll be happening, just obvs. not on Christmas Day itself. I'll just be fuckin STOKED when I *know* it's happening. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes. How much money did you spend today? $1.25 for something from the vending machine. I didn't have breakfast, so I was really hungry. When you’re bored in class, what do you usually do? Try to not doze off. If we're not doing anything, then I'll play around with my phone. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head for more than a day? Oh, definitely. Ever walked into the guy’s bathroom? HA as a stupid elementary school with her friends, we sure did during a work day (my mom used to work with special ed kids at school). We thought we were soooo rebellious. How many wives or husbands do you want? One. What happens if you fall in love with your best friend? Ha, did. I still am, and we hope to be back together someday. Has a teacher ever flirted with you? Not that I know of. Thankfully. Is it okay for friends to kiss each other, as friends? It's not my thing, but sure, if it's consenting and both are aware it's platonic. Do your wishes ever get granted in the worst way possible? Probably in some way at some point I don't recall. How do you feel about your naked body? NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO Have you ever been called obnoxious? I don't think so, anyway. Do you wish you had a bigger family? No. Which friend would you kiss full on the mouth, no questions asked? Sara. Can you do a split or stick your foot up next to your ear? Nope. When was the last time you complained about something? I was venting some mild frustration to Sara earlier tonight. What is your favorite color combination? Favorite is probably pastel orange and light blue. Love it. Then there's pastel pink and purple. Okay pretty much any combination is about the pastels When was the last time you spoke in front of a group? A month or so back when I had to do my Lifeline presentation in FYS. Do you like group projects, or do you prefer to work alone? I strongly prefer working alone. There's no disagreements, compromises, incompetent partners, etc. Have you ever been told you were going to Hell? Yup! (: Indirectly, but. How did you respond? I don't recall, but I wish I did. Who is the most argumentative person you know? She's not in my life anymore partially BECAUSE of that shit. Do you know anyone who is crazy about proper grammar? Yes, but she has OCD as a valid reason. I'm pretty particular about it too to a degree. Who was the last person to make you feel special? Oh my gosh, my therapist told me she was so proud of me and the progress I was making that I just entirely lit up and became a total beaming ball of giggles and "thank you"s. Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? No, I'm bi. If your best friend grabs your hand, what do you automatically do? Squeeze it. What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro? Cheesy and spicy scrambled eggs, man. Also known as the only thing I can properly cook lmao. Do you tend to flirt a lot, even when the person isn’t single? Fuck no, if they're not single. I'll flirt with my s/o when I see it appropriate or relevant, and in a case where we're both single, I'd be very subtle about it because shy. What’s something that you think is really cute? Off the very top of my head, the Ewoks from Star Wars, oh my fucking god. They were the only thing I enjoyed in the movies. What’s a pretty bird? I mean... pretty much all of them. BUT, can we take a moment to appreciate the bearded vulture? like???? they're fucking BADASS???????????? Besides sleeping, what do you do in bed? Almost... everything. It's the reason I endured/am still recovering from muscle atrophy in my legs. Have you ever hacked into somebody’s account? Playfully, back when that was a thing for friends to do and post lovey-dovey stuff about them everywhere. Megan and I, and I believe Mini and I as well, did it to each other. Possibly more. Is having to pee really badly worse than being really thirsty? Oh hell yes it is. The former can get to a point of hurting. Have you ever touched a Qu'ran? No. Do you love animals more than most? Oh definitely. Why do you eat fast food? It's easy to grab when on the run, and Mom has almost zero time to cook. Then we both have school. Most often I just warm things up in the microwave or grab something substantial enough in the fridge. Is there always going to be that one person you and a friend makes fun of? I guess you could say indirectly, yes. Just something she said in a certain way became an inside joke. Her as a person, no, I wouldn't do that. What is a bad habit of yours that you’re actually trying to fix? Having terrible eye contact. I have a very hard time maintaining it, but I've been trying to keep that weakness in mind when talking to people. Do you write out your feelings? That's one reason why I take these surveys, yes. Do you have bills to pay yet? It's embarrassing that I don't. Not saying like, I want to pay bills, what madman would, but I do want to feel more like a proper, independent adult. Will you be changing your hair any time soon? Not the style, but one thing I'm asking for Christmas is a professional to dye my hair silver. I say pro because my hair does NOT hold color, and because of the bleach needed, Mom's concerned I'll damage my hair if I put my trust into anyone less qualified. Does your mom have a celebrity look-alike? I don't think so, but she looks UNCANNILY like her firstborn daughter. It is SCARY. Is there something you wish you could learn to do? There's loads of stuff. Probably above all, cook. Or stop procrastinating. If you could be amazing at ONE thing, what would it be? Drawing precisely what I see in my head. Because of how important they are to me, I would pay BIG FUCKING BUCKS to get how my 'kats look onto paper. What do you wish people would pay you to do? Complain about my weight. :^) I'd be able to just pay for surgery to fix that within a day. Do you take good pictures? I personally think I do. I mean I wanna be a professional photographer. How would one go about impressing you? It depends on the subject and difficulty of whatever. What probably impresses me most would be someone maintaining a mature, peaceful attitude when there is reason to act otherwise. Self-control, that's it. Do you automatically apologize if you walk into somebody? Duh? Tell me a memory of this summer: It was fucking scorching and I hated every minute of it. What’s something that you don’t need, but really want? Hmmmm. OH, HELL YES. IF I had the proper body to even remotely pull them off, I. Would wear. NOTHING. But corsets. Jesus FUCKING Christ they are so hot. What do you draw more than anything else? Just about all I draw is meerkats. What’s the most favorite class you’ve ever had? The Digital Photography course I took in high school. Or Art Honors my junior year. I really enjoyed the stuff I made. For each person you’ve kissed, describe your feelings in one word: Jason: melancholy; Tyler: dramatic; Girt(?): loyal; Sara: ideal. How do you react when you trip or stumble? Gasp and carry on. If it was a more serious trip, I look around at who saw. Are you good at “biting your tongue”? NO. Why do you love the one you do? She's been there for me without fail, has undying faith in me, supports me through everything, is honest, she's funny and very unique, her adoration for animals shows a great level of compassion, she trusts me so much despite her history, she stands extremely firmly for what she sees as right and wrong... okay I can honestly write an essay on why I love her. Would you rather get [another] tattoo or piercing? GIMME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 THE TATTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111 Do you have long or short legs? I'd say they're normal, idk. When do you listen to Nickelback? *shrugs* When I wanna? Would you rather make the first move, or your crush? Them. I'm shy.