#I think Seven Little Sons was my favorite! the pages above are from that one. my fav story was the last one :) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

homoose · 3 years

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Love Has a Learning Curve: Part VII (x reader)

Summary: Reader tries to make things right, with a little push from her mama.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Category: hurt/comfort

Warnings/Includes: none

a/n: I know, I know— please just let our babies be happy ♥️ and so it was. Also, big ups to my tumblr gf @idmakeitbehave for being my beta the past two chapters.

Series Masterlist

———

One week.

That’s how long it had been since their argument. Spencer had driven back to his apartment in silence, absolutely stunned by the way things had blown up.

They’d gotten back from the case in Utah on the fifth of January, and he’d driven straight to Y/N’s, ready to give her a belated New Year’s kiss. Immediately upon entering her apartment, he knew something was wrong. Her hug was stiff, her kiss brief, her eye contact minimal. He’d spent the night, but they barely touched, and she left early for work without waking him. He’d let himself out and texted her later in the day to invite her over for dinner.

Dinner hadn’t been any less awkward, and when he felt awkward, he knew it was bad. He finally couldn’t ignore it any longer, and he’d called it out. He had expected some resistance, but he hadn’t expected that. Y/N never spoke to him with any malice at all, even when he was actually doing something that irritated her. She was the queen of healthy communication. So for her to speak to him like that meant that the underlying issue was much, much worse than he’d originally thought.

He’d gone over their conversations a thousand times, looking desperately for the moment that it went wrong. After some deep consideration, he was certain that something had happened on New Year’s Eve. He just wasn’t sure what. Y/N was insistent that she wasn’t bothered by the declined call, but he still wished he could go back in time and answer it. He was pretty sure the seeds of their argument had sprouted in that moment, regardless of what she said.

Spencer knew she was a creature of habit, and that sometimes she needed space to process and experience her emotions. And if he was being honest, he needed some space after the argument, too. But usually she would have at least texted him by now.

He sighed and set down his newspaper, realizing he’d read the same page four times and hadn’t retained any of it. It was Friday, and he knew she was working. But still his fingers itched to dial her number. He picked up the phone, pressing a key to light up the screen yet again.

No new messages.

He dropped the phone back to the table with a little more force than was necessary. He decided he’d give her the rest of the weekend. If he didn’t hear from her by Sunday, he’d have to do something.

…

Y/N dropped her bag on the floor inside the door and turned to lock the deadbolt. She had managed to sneak out of the building without being stopped by Anita, and she thanked the universe for small miracles.

She didn’t want to have to explain herself. She didn’t want anyone to know what an absolute troll she’d been. Considering that Sam and Spencer had practically become attached at the hip since they’d started hanging out more, Anita was bound to ask about him.

She showered and ordered Thai food, snuggling down on the couch to watch a movie with Roald. She settled on Dumplin’— a favorite for the body positivity, the southern drawls, and the Dolly Parton drag.

And then she came to the argument outside of Harpy’s and lost what little emotional stability she had left.

“Never took you for the type that cares much what people think.”

“I can’t, Bo. And that might make me a coward, but—”

“It does. Willowdean Dixon, I think you’re beautiful. To hell with anyone who’s ever made you feel less than that.”

She didn’t realize she was crying until Roald meowed in distress. She choked out a sob and stroked over his ears, closing her eyes in defeat. “I really fucked this up, huh?”

It had only been one week, but it felt like years since Spencer walked out of her apartment. She’d stayed in bed for the entire weekend, crying on and off. She knew she had no one to blame but herself. Owen had knocked over the first domino, but she’d done nothing to stop the rest from falling.

Spencer had done everything right. He’d done everything she asked, and she’d thrown it all back in his face. He had made the comparison to Mitchell Park, and he was absolutely right. She’d done the exact same thing, only she had almost a year’s worth of ammunition, and she cut a hell of a lot deeper.

Roald nuzzled against her, but she nudged him away— she didn’t even deserve the comfort. Instead, she fumbled in the couch cushions for her phone, swiping open the screen and tapping her favorites list, thumb hovering over Spencer’s name. Then she tapped on the name right above it and blew out a breath.

The line connected and rang three times before she picked up. “Hey, sugar! Your ears must be ringin’, ‘cause I was just thinkin’ about callin’ you.”

“Hey, mama,” Y/N breathed.

Her mother’s tone changed from chipper to concerned in an instant. “What’s wrong, baby?”

She leaned forward to the coffee table to grab Spencer’s scarf— somehow left behind in her apartment— rubbing it between her fingers. “I— I really messed up.”

“Oh, Lord. You need bail money?”

Despite herself, Y/N laughed wetly. “Oh my god , mama. No, I don’t need bail money.”

“Well, if you made bail it can’t be that bad,” Rose insisted.

“I didn’t— I’m not in jail, for Christ’s sake.” Y/N ran a hand over her face. “I messed things up with Spencer.”

“Well, we can fix that,” Rose responded matter of factly. “What happened?”

“We were fighting, and I said some really, really awful things,” Y/N admitted, tears spilling over her lash line.

Rose scoffed. “Honey, I say awful things to your father all the time, and we’ve been married almost 40 years.”

Y/N heaved a long sigh. “Not like this, mama.”

Her mother hummed in consideration. “Well, what were y’all fightin’ about?”

��It’s complicated,” Y/N hedged, toying with the fringe of the scarf.

Rose clicked her tongue. “Do ya want my help or not?”

Y/N dropped her head back against the couch. “I ran into Owen on New Year’s Eve—”

“Well, I hope you told him to stick it where the sun don’t shine,” Rose practically growled.

Y/N closed her eyes as the tears tracked hot down her cheeks. “I didn’t. I— I let him get under my skin, and then I didn’t want to tell Spencer about it because it’s embarrassing, but he knew something was wrong, and he wouldn’t stop asking about it.” She had to pause and suck in a hiccuping breath, releasing it on a sob. “So I yelled at him and said all kinds of terrible things, and then he left, and now I think maybe we broke up, and I’ve literally never been so sad in my whole life.”

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, and then she heard Rose sniffling. “Really shoulda had your brothers knock the mess out of that son of bitch when we had the chance. He's been gone five years, and he’s still hurtin’ you every chance he gets.”

Y/N swiped uselessly at the tear tracks on her cheeks, sniffling pathetically. “And now I hurt the person who’s spent the last year singlehandedly undoing all of his awful handiwork.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Rose cooed. Y/N could hear the creak of the floorboards as her mother walked through her childhood home. “You said he knew somethin’ was wrong, right? I can almost guarantee that he’s still just wonderin’ what’s goin’ on. I know he’s supposed to be a genius, but he’s still a man. And men are dumb, sugar. You gotta spell it out for ‘em. Have you talked to him since?”

“No.” Fresh tears spilled over Y/N’s lashes as the thoughts that had kept her from calling him spilled out of her mouth. “What if it was too far? What if I ruined everything? What if he never wants to speak to me again?”

Ross heaved out a long breath. “That’s a lot of what ifs, Y/N.”

“What if I’m right?” she whispered.

“And what if you’re not?” Rose countered. “That boy loves you. Anyone could see that, clear as day. He’d do just about anything for you.” Rose paused, and Y/N heard the springs of the bed squeak as she sat. “But you gotta let him, sweetheart. Right now you’re takin’ away his chance to do that. You’re makin’ the decision for him.”

Y/N listened as her mother’s advice crackled over the line, and for the first time in a week, she felt a tiny sliver of hope.

“If he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, you need to let him tell you that. Don’t settle for a what if. Find out for sure, or you're gonna spend the rest of your life worryin’ and wonderin’, sugar.”

…

That evening found Spencer in his usual spot on the couch, reclined against the arm with a book in hand. He’d promised himself he’d give Y/N the weekend to herself— that he’d let her come to him. That didn’t stop him from checking his phone obsessively; it never buzzed with any new calls or messages, but he still looked every seven minutes.

The sound of the buzzer jolted his body to attention. He checked his watch and drew his brows together before closing his book and scrambling to cross to the intercom, a tiny seed of hope beginning to germinate. He pressed the button to talk, calling, “Yes?” into the speaker box and then listening for the response.

“Hi.”

Her voice was so quiet that he could barely hear it over the crackle of the speaker. He buzzed her in without hesitation, crossing to the door and opening it immediately. She made her way slowly up the stairs, turning at the top of the landing and pausing.

His heart broke at the sight of her. She looked utterly exhausted, dressed in black sweatpants and a soft purple sweater, a black puffer jacket over top. She was holding his scarf, wringing it in between her hands. Her eyes were ringed red, and the bags under them were worse than his.

He watched as she crossed the landing, coming to stand quietly in front of him. He’d known something was wrong, but the way she looked now made him wonder just how long she’d been battling whatever private demons she wouldn’t let him in on.

“I, um.” She cleared her throat, and it was clear she’d been crying from the thickness of her voice. “I have a lot to say— again. But since I was such an asshole, I wanted to give you the opportunity to say anything you need to say first.”

He’d imagined this conversation countless times over the last week, and never once had he thought it would start like this. “Um. Well. You— you really hurt me.”

She could barely look at him. “I know.”

He swallowed. “Please don’t do that again.”

She shook her head, finally meeting his eyes. “I won’t. I won’t ever again.”

Spencer tucked his hands into the pockets of his lounge pants. “I know I may not be the best at social cues, but I’m a pretty good profiler. And I can tell when something’s wrong.” He raised his eyebrows. “You don’t have to tell me everything. I’m just asking you to tell me when I do something that makes you upset.”

“You— you didn’t do anything wrong. I—” He watched her squeeze her eyes shut. “God, I’m so sorry, Spencer. I’m just— I’m sorry for so many things. For lying about being fine, for being up on my high horse about communicating and then not actually doing it, for being an absolute bitch.”

He wanted to argue— she wasn’t a bitch— but he could tell she was far from done.

“I— I thought therapy was supposed to teach me how to talk about things, but this still feels… impossible to say out loud,” she admitted, fingers fumbling with the fabric of the scarf. “It’s embarrassing and ridiculous. But I— I have deep-seated insecurities. That I’m not really that smart or interesting or particularly special.”

He thought back to that night in Mitchell Park and felt the guilt all over again. He’d practically said those exact words to her— it was no wonder she was feeling this way.

“And every person that I’ve ever been with has— really reinforced those ideas, so for a long time they were just… a set part of my self-image,” she explained, dragging a hand over her messy hair. “I thought— I thought that I was over it, but I— I don’t know. Maybe you never really are.”

His brain sorted through every moment of their year together, pinging off the countless examples of her self-doubt and insecurity. She was easily the most wonderful person he knew, but he could clearly see the cracks in the facade if he looked close enough. How had he missed it for so long?

“And then I met you, and you…” Y/N let out a wry laugh. “You’re easily the most interesting person I’ve ever met, but you made me feel like… I don’t know, like I’m interesting, too. Like I’m worthy of being with you, like I’m— like I’m good enough.”

He felt his heart splintering into a thousand tiny shards— good enough?

“But I can’t— I still have a hard time believing it sometimes. And I— I’ve been letting myself keep you at arms length. Letting you see parts of me, but… never giving you everything,” she admitted.

He watched her struggle to get the words out, her voice thick with the act of holding back sobs. He hadn’t realized she was carrying all of this. She was so good at supporting him and loving him through all of his trauma and issues, he hadn’t stopped to consider just how much she needed him, too.

She continued, “It’s why I took so long to say I love you… why I couldn’t talk to you last week. Because I just—” She shrugged as the tears rolled down her cheeks. “I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For you to realize that I’m really nothing special. That you’re getting bored, or there’s someone who’s a better fit for you, or one million other things. That I’m needy, and annoying, and too much work.”

A fresh tear tracked down her cheek, and he felt his own eyes filling. She never failed to put a stop to his own insecurities— reminding him that she liked his rambling, that he wasn’t irritating, that he was just the right amount. In his eyes, she was perfect. He would have never guessed she felt this way about herself.

She continued, “That’s what happened before, and none of those guys were even half as wonderful as you are.” She swiped a hand haphazardly over her cheeks, looking at him sheepishly. “And then I was hurtful and awful, and I realized that I was just creating a self fulfilling prophecy and I don’t— I don’t want to do that.”

Her hand shook a little as she brought it back down to twist in his scarf. “Because it’s never— I’ve never felt like this. I've never been this happy with anyone else, and I don’t want to give that up. I don’t want to give you up. Even if sometimes I feel like I’ll never be enough.”

Her voice cracked on a stifled cry, and his chest physically ached. “And if you never want to see me again, I completely understand, and I’ll leave you alone, but I— I’m just so sorry. And I love you so much, and I’m trying so hard to be better.” She sucked in a ragged breath and let it out on an exhausted sigh. “And that’s, um— that’s it. If you want me to go, I—”

“I don’t want you to go,” he interrupted.

Her eyes went wide. “You don’t?”

“Of course not.” Spencer stepped forward and reached for her. “Of course not. C’mere.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, she was tumbling into his arms with a choked off sob. He pulled her inside and closed the door behind them, walking her to the couch and sitting them both down. She clung to him like she was afraid he’d disappear into thin air.

“Y/N, I’m right here,” he assured her. “I’m right here, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”

“But if you n-need space, I understand,” she sobbed.

“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t need space. I think a week was long enough, don’t you?” he asked, pressing a kiss into her hair.

She pulled back out of the hug, head down. “But I really hurt you.”

He held her hand. “Yeah. And I really hurt you, too.”

She huffed out a breath. “That’s not how this works. I don’t get to hurt you just because you hurt me.”

“I know that.” He almost laughed at how indignant she sounded. “I’m not saying that we should hurt each other. I’m saying that sometimes it happens. And when it does, we apologize, and we forgive, and we move forward. And it’s okay if you need space. But I don’t.”

“What if you change your mind?” she whispered.

“Then I promise I’ll tell you.” Spencer tilted her chin up so he could meet her eyes. “I promise I’ll tell you what I need, as long as you tell me, too. We’ve gotta use all those communication skills we learn in therapy.”

Y/N nodded, and he pulled her into another hug. He closed his eyes, letting out a sigh of relief. “If I hadn’t heard from you by Sunday, I was planning to bother you until you talked to me.”

He could feel the beginning of a smile turning up the corner of her mouth where it was pressed to his shoulder. “You never bother me,” she mumbled. She held him for a moment longer and then released him from the hug and sat back, fidgeting with her hands and letting out a breath.

“Sometimes I need to be told that my worst fears about myself aren’t true,” she admitted. “I know that’s so annoying, but—”

“It’s not annoying,” he interrupted, putting an immediate stop to that line of thought. “Telling you how amazing you are isn’t the chore that you think it is. I’m sorry that anyone ever convinced you that it was.”

He covered her hands with his own, rubbing his thumbs softly along her skin. He couldn’t stop thinking about her dealing with all of this by herself. He hated that she’d ever felt anything less than adored. More than anything, he hated that he hadn’t been able to help her through it. And he wanted to make sure that he never made that mistake again.

“A wise man told me once... that love is helping someone navigate their storms,” he murmured, squeezing her hand. She looked at him then, and he continued, “You’ve been my lighthouse for a long time, Y/N. And I— I’m trying desperately to be yours… But you have to let me.”

Her eyes filled with fresh tears, but she nodded. He let out a long breath and pulled her hands into his lap. “I understand that sometimes you need space, and that’s fine. I’m happy to give you whatever you need.”

He shook his head. “Just— please don’t try to weather the storm by yourself. You can’t do it all alone; no one can.” He smiled ruefully. “I can tell you from experience that’s pretty much a guaranteed way to capsize your boat.”

His voice cracked a little at the end, and he felt a tear slip over his lash line. “I’ll help you repair your boat, or build a new one, or you can just float on mine for a while. It’s not perfect but it’s pretty sturdy, I think.”

She brought her fingers up to brush at his damp cheeks, and he met her eyes. “What I’m not going to do is let you float out on the ocean by yourself. I love you too much.”

She was quiet for a long moment, sniffling a little and just watching him— almost like she couldn’t believe he was there. She brought her hand back to his and laced their fingers together, rubbing her thumb along his skin. “I love you the most.”

“Agree to disagree.” He gave her a small smile and leaned forward to press his lips to her forehead. “Want some tea?”

She was frowning when he pulled back, her brows drawn together. “I need to tell you about Owen.”

The conversation he’d had with Anita was suddenly on replay in Spencer’s head.

… a real piece of shit… telling her lies about herself… isolating her… destroying her from the inside out...

He squeezed her hand. “You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready. You don’t have to tell me at all if you don’t want to.”

She shook her head. “Talking about him takes away his power. I have to stop letting him have so much sway over my emotions.” She looked at him then. “I do things I regret and hurt people I love.”

He brought their joined hands up his lips. “Well, I’m here either way. And I’m still going to make you some tea.”

He stood and pulled her up with him, bringing her into the kitchen and refusing to let go of her hand. He filled the kettle and turned it on, found a bag of her favorite tea and ripped it open with his teeth. He dropped the bag into her favorite mug, and then made a mug up for himself.

“You know, it’d be a lot easier if you’d let go,” she said, the hint of a smile in her voice.

“Mhm,” he agreed, but he made no move to release her hand. In fact, once he’d fumbled a spoonful of honey into each of the cups, he dropped the spoon into her mug and turned to pull her into another hug. He hooked his chin over her shoulder and closed his eyes as she brought her arms around his waist. “I missed you,” he whispered.

She squeezed him tight. “I missed you, too. I’m so sorry.”

She buried her face in his neck, and he felt her breathe him in. He pressed a kiss into her shoulder and then settled his chin again. “Apology accepted, in case it wasn’t clear.”

They stood like that until the kettle began to whistle, and then Spencer kept her tucked underneath his arm as he turned to shut it off and pour the water into the mugs. They each grabbed a mug, making their way back to the couch and setting them on the coffee table to steep. Spencer kept their fingers intertwined and stayed quiet, letting her set the pace of the conversation.

Y/N took a deep breath and let it out on a long sigh. “I guess I should start at the beginning. I, um— I had my first boyfriend in high-school: Cal Cunningham. He was older and cooler, and so I felt— I don’t know… special when he picked me.” She rolled her eyes. “In reality, he was rude, and arrogant, and kind of a misogynist. We didn’t date for very long, but it kind of… set me up on this path of dating guys who weren’t very nice.”

Spencer ran his thumb soothingly along hers, waiting for her to continue. “When I started college, I dated this guy Adam for a few months. He was nice enough but really self-centered and a little immature. When we broke up I just wanted to be on my own for a while.”

“I was single for two years after that, just kind of… finding myself and whatever.” Her eyes tracked the path his thumb traced along her skin. “So when I started dating Owen at the end of junior year, it felt like my first real relationship. Like— we were both adults, and he dressed up for our dates, and he paid for things and bought me flowers and fit all the cliches.”

“And it was great at first,” she admitted. “We had a lot of the same friends, so we’d been hanging out for a while before we got together. He was a perfect gentleman— and smart, accomplished, and ambitious. I fell fast, and I fell hard, and we were sort of— it feels so stupid to say this, but it felt like we were an it couple.”

“A few of us made plans to move to DC after graduation— my friend Jess and her boyfriend Chris, Sam and Anita,” she explained. “And Owen and I, obviously. We moved in together in an apartment downtown. And that’s when everything changed.”

She drew her brows together. “It was little things at first. Like he’d jokingly call me stupid for forgetting something, or he’d complain about one of my friends being annoying. But it snowballed pretty quickly. He’d tell me I was stupid, and he wasn’t joking. All of my friends irritated him to the point where we couldn’t hang out anymore— even our former mutual friends. He thought that teaching kindergarten was a mindless, pointless job.”

Spencer tried to keep his heart rate steady, his facial expressions neutral, but his blood pressure was on the rise. No one deserved to be spoken to like that, least of all Y/N.

She continued, “We spent the holidays at my parents’ the second year we were dating, and he spent the entire car ride home explaining, in detail, how ridiculous and low-class he thought everything was.”

She shook her head and rubbed her free hand over her face. “I know it’s insane that I stayed with him for five years, but I— he did a really good job of convincing me that I was... that I was nothing. That he was doing me a favor by loving me. That he could have anyone, but he chose me. No one else was going to, so I should be grateful.”

He balled his free hand into a fist to avoid squeezing her to death. When Anita had said Owen was a piece of shit… he hadn’t realized just how deeply she meant it.

She picked at the fabric of her sweatpants, staring intently at the tiny pills. “When someone says all of that to you on a daily basis, and you’re not hearing otherwise from anyone else— because no one knew what was going on— when someone tells you you’re nothing… you start to believe it.”

Spencer relaxed his fist to bring his fingers up to her face, gently cupping her cheek. She leaned into his touch and closed her eyes for a long moment. He didn’t know what to say. Instead, he pressed his lips to her forehead in a voiceless assurance that she was, in fact, everything. He felt her relax under the warm pressure of his lips, and he hoped that was enough for now.

He sat back to let her continue. “We were together for five years, and we only broke up because he cheated on me. It was a long term affair; they were sleeping together for almost a year before I found out. And… a lot of people knew. Almost all of his friends knew. But I didn’t. I was still being this ridiculous, desperate little Suzy Homemaker trying to make him happy, even though he was still treating me like shit.”

She laughed, but there wasn’t an ounce of humor in it. “When I found out, I wasn’t even hurt. I was… embarrassed, I guess. But I was so relieved. I was so fucking relieved that I had a way out.”

He watched as her shoulders settled, almost like an actual weight had been lifted off of them. “I got a therapist and dropped all of the friends that were still hanging around with him. I moved to a new neighborhood, started hanging out with Anita and Sam, and just— started fresh. And I was doing really well. I’ve had my moments of insecurity here and there, but for the most part, I’ve been able to recognize the moments when I’m falling back into old thought patterns.”

She looked at him then, and her eyes were so soft and lovely that his heart ached. “You’re a big reason for that. You’re so open with how you feel about me, and… it makes things a lot easier.” She dropped her gaze with a sigh. “But I— he was at the party on New Year's. And I didn’t know he was going to be there until I was already there , and then it felt stupid to leave. I thought I could handle it—”

“And then I didn’t answer your call.”

“No, no .” She shook her head and reached her free hand out to grasp his arm. “That’s— Spencer, none of this is your fault.” She furrowed her brow, and the crease between them was practically an abyss. “He sort of— cornered me on the patio. I hadn’t seen him in like, four years? And he was complimenting me, and asking about you, and then he tried to— well, he did kiss me actually. I shoved him off, and he didn’t like that, and he did his whole Owen thing. Told me that he’d cheated because I was uninteresting and worthless. That eventually you’d get bored of me, too. Just, um— generally awful shit.”

She took a deep breath, and the rest steamrolled off her tongue and over his heart. “And then he just— left . And he’d absolutely demolished my self-image in less than ten minutes, and I was embarrassed and angry at myself, and then you didn’t answer, but I was kind of glad you didn’t because I didn’t actually want to talk about it. And I thought I could just move on, but then I was being weird, and you knew something was wrong. And I just wanted to pretend like it never happened, but then you kept pressing me on it, and I just— I didn’t want to have to explain it all to you because I was afraid that— that maybe he was right.”

Y/N dissolved back into the couch, an unwelcome indication of the emotional exhaustion that came with reliving trauma. Spencer moved closer and mirrored the position of her body against the cushions, bringing his face close enough to bump their noses together. They breathed the same air for one noiseless minute before she finally met his eyes.

“I need you to understand that not one single thing he said to you— on New Year’s or ever— was right, in either sense of the word. None of it was factual, and none of it was acceptable.”

She gave him a weary nod, and he continued, “You are the single best person that I know. You’re kind, brilliant, and driven. You’re interesting, and wonderful, and lovely. You’re my absolute favorite person on the planet, and I will never get bored of you.”

He let his eyes trace over all the angles and curves of her face, and then raised his eyebrows. “He’s lucky that I respect you enough not to go over your head, because what I’d like to do is run a full background check and find any and every possible transgression that could be legally investigated and then use that information to ruin his life.” He tilted his head in thought. “That or— get really jacked and then beat the shit out of him.”

“God, please don’t. As much as I’d love to watch that unfold,” she cupped his face in her hand, “you’re better than that. And he’s not worth either of our energies… I already wasted enough time dwelling on it and hurt you in the process.” She dropped her hand back to her lap with a sigh. “I spent so much time in that relationship that my brain didn’t know what to do with this good, healthy one.”

He took both of her hands in his, squeezing them tight and then pressing a kiss to the back of each. He wouldn’t commit assault, since she’d asked him not to. But he wasn’t going to let Owen taint any part of his life with her.

“I’m so sorry that someone you loved made you think it was hard to love you. Because loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.” He pressed his lips together and mused, “But I think maybe love has a learning curve. Especially when you’re used to being hurt. You have to unlearn all the bullshit. People will have you thinking that you have to water yourself down, or change who you are, or make yourself more palatable. I thought that, too.”

He brushed her hair back away from her face and waited for her to meet his eyes. “And then I met you. And you love all of it— all of me. All the rambling, all the quirks, and— even the dark parts, too.”

She sniffled a little, but really smiled for the first time that night. “What’s not to love about you?”

He smiled back. “I’m not sure if you realize that I fully reciprocate that feeling. What’s not to love about you? I have a hard time thinking of even one thing about you that I don’t absolutely adore.”

“Even when I act like a horrid bitch?” she mumbled, only half joking.

He leaned his head against the couch cushion. “A year ago, you stood on my doorstep and gave me forgiveness— after I’d been a complete asshole to you... I told you then that I wanted to learn how to love with you. I still do. In all the wonderful, and the weird, and the terrible. Even when we get it wrong.”

He shrugged, and then ran a soft fingertip down the bridge of her nose. “There is no one else I’d rather get it wrong with. Because when we get it right… it’s the closest I’ve ever felt to magic.”

Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears, and she brought both hands up to his face, holding him with an adoration that made his own eyes burn. “You can believe that you love me the most,” she whispered, “but just know that you’re wrong.”

He leaned forward to close the distance between them, pressing a kiss to her lips with a reverence that felt technicolor and devout and more magical than any trick he’d ever mastered.

“Agree to disagree.”

———

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#spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x you #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds self insert #homoose writes #lhalc

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swervestrickland · 2 years

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I don’t even think the audience turned on Hangman, Cm Punk was just the favorite.

I'm with you, nonnie. I agree very much.

See, there are usually two reasons to put the title on an older name in wrestling, at least in my very little experience: 1) to legitimize a title, and 2) to give a wrestler one last shot at glory.

The first reason was the first mark against AEW: putting the title on Chris Jericho. A lot of us thought, why?? Why do that?? When Hangman Page was Right There? An indie bullet club guy? He's perfect. Why put the title on an older wrestler like Chris Jericho, when we've given WWE shit for it for years about the same concept? Well, sometimes you need a big name to legitimize your title, in a world where you're just a small baby trying to fight against the titan of the industry. You put the title on a man who will begin a reign of terror on a young division expertly, with so much credibility behind his name, so that when one of them steps up, another great wrestler who was deserving of so much more than he was given, the crowd will be 100% behind him.

The second reason, I think, is more bittersweet.

Now, I don't know many details about his story, because I wasn't there to witness it. But I want you to imagine a guy who created waves in professional wrestling. A guy who had all the skills - charisma, in-ring storytelling and physical talent - but was unable to enjoy almost any of it, any of his accomplishments because there was just too much bad that went along with that good. Imagine his mind not being able to handle it all - the backstage politics, the hostile looks from upper management and half of your locker room or more siding against you because they're content with less. I want you to imagine that guy leaving professional wrestling forever, at the height of his prime, for seven years. I want you to imagine him watching his beloved sport from the sidelines, observing some of the greatest highs and the greatest lows with every nerve ending in his body pleading with him to be back in that squared circle.

I want you to imagine him being given the opportunity to come back, be given another shot at glory, without most (I won't say all) of the baggage that used to come with a shot like that. Imagine being welcomed back into open arms like an old friend, like a prodigal son, so beloved that people never stopped chanting his name for seven. fucking. years. And now, he has his chance for one last ride. But this one, this is the one that's going to matter. Because he'll actually have the wisdom to appreciate it not just at its end, but during the journey of it all.

Because sometimes, you have to give that last opportunity to a person who gave their everything for something they love. I know we often forget this, in society, but the more seasoned of us deserve every last ounce of respect we can give them. And they deserve it. Whether they were loved or unloved. Because we're all gonna die one day we won't be able to take anything with us but the knowledge of how we were treated, and how we treated others. Respect, above all, is most important.

And I know I'm making Punk sound like he's old as hell or something, but let's be real. You don't go out looking amazing in the wrestling industry at 60 very often, nor do you often get the chance. I think right now, is the perfect time for him to take his victory lap.

And honestly? I don't think there was a better man to take that title from.

#nonnie #emi replies #cm punk #aew #double or nothing (2022)#i hope this made sense bc i actually had to type this twice #the first time it didnt save #it's happened so many times to me already im getting fucking pissed off about it #like there have been so many asks where i write something long and heartfelt and tumblr just. doesnt post it #and it's all gone #so. sorry if it doesnt make sense the second time around

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tao-si · 3 years

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Made this post the other day and now I'm having crossover brainrot

So without further ado, I introduce to you the ultimate pain: a mysmexclannad crossover. (click here for an in depth experience as I got into the headspace I’m currently in re: Ray’s bad AE CG as shown above and its themesong lmao)

The RFA members as Clannad characters

Jumin - Kotomi without a doubt. Maybe not as clueless about cutting pages out of books, and he doesn't have time to be spending his lunch in the library, but Jumin has this otherworldly innocence about him that makes me think of Kotomi. There's also the fact that he's a member of MENSA and how he can calmly make such cold and calculating decisions in a crisis. Jumin is definitely Kotomi.

Zen - Kyou. I had a little trouble with this one, but I think Zen as Kyou fits if you consider his attitude towards Jumin and his treatment of Jaehee. He has a temper about him that's typically brought on by Jumin, but can be otherwise. The crumbs are there, but Zen would be a slightly toned down Kyou. Which brings me to the next member.

Jaehee - I can't decide if Jaehee is Ryou or Tomoyo. On one hand, Jaehee has Ryou's work ethic and dedication. She rarely says no to Jumin's work requests (at least, not in a rude way) and prefers to keep the peace. This would fit in perfectly with Zen as Kyou. On the other hand, Jaehee has a background in judo and at times she can be snappy on the messenger when she's pushed past her limits, like Tomoyo with Sunohara's antics.

Seven - I think Seven could be either Sunohara or Tomoya. I say Tomoya with the fact in mind that he's not as gullible as Sunohara and tends to be more of the prankster and not the pranked. Like that point in the game where Tomoya is given a chance to either go home after hanging out in the dorm with Sunohara or record over his favorite mixed tape with something outrageous - that is a Seven behavior, imo. But in general Sunohara just tends to be a lovable goof, which also fits seven to the tee. My verdict is in, though - Seven is Tomoya.

Yoosung - Fuko. The childish attitude and adoration for an older sister-like figure made this one easy for me. There's also his inability to move on after Rika's death - reminiscent of Fuko's inability to move on and insistence of making the starfish as gifts for her sister's wedding.

Saeran - Nagisa. (I say this despite the fact that I made his brother Tomoya - pay no mind to it) Another Story’s Saeran exhibits a lot of self doubt and anxiety in the form of Ray, which is the number one reason I’ve chosen this one. Nagisa’s weak constitution would also accurately reflect his fragility as a child. Their home backgrounds, unfortunately for Saeran, don't quite match up. But Saeran has this desperation for freedom from his own self doubt, in my mind, that I think Nagisa is struggling with when Tomoya finds her standing outside of the school, hesitant to go in after so long of being sick. When Nagisa stands in the rain waiting for Tomoya to come play basketball with her, I can see Saeran in a similar position. In the same way that the rain scene shows how Nagisa tends to not stand up for herself by continuing to wait even after no one has come, Saeran rarely if ever stands up to anyone who he looks up to (saviour). Nagisa, with her low self-esteem and her irrational fear that she's the cause of other people's problems, embodies Saeran perfectly.

V - Naoyuki Okazaki (Tomoya's father). I don't say this because I dislike V. I really don't. He's a flawed character that has his good points. Much in the same way that Naoyuki betrays his son's trust as his father figure, V betrays seven's trust in him as a parental figure throughout the course of the 8+ years he has separated the twins. Although V isn't physically violent, his passive nature of letting Rika do as she pleases leads to extreme violence against someone he loves deeply. And that betrayal is as big of one as it would be if he were to strike him.

Sorry, Rika. You're not special enough for a character. 😒

#i apologise for nothing #it's just saeran's world and we all live in it #mystic messenger #saeran after ending #mysme rfa #spoiler-ish?#not really #clannad's been around for ages if ur spoiled then that's on you #i don't think i spoiled any of ray's route #except the cg

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ennui-gt · 3 years

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Here it is. A Piece Of Borrower Content Written Entirely In Stream Of Consciousness:

AN: so this is incomplete and very…needs revisions to the timeline to incorporate some things I added later! It’s the original universe that Mira’s from! I edited it like Slightly to just change Ross’s name to Ross (if u see Max anywhere that’s his old one I just felt like changing it so that’s just him but different. Anyway) Everything's under the readmore tab, cheers!

The Library Fairy:

Basic Plot (Chrono, comic starts from human perspective abt the ‘legend of the library fairy’ ig maybe. Nothing here is permanent cept the characterization)

Part A

1- Mira is borrower currently chillin in a college library

2- She lives off of the cafe on the second floor nd reads lots and lots of stuff about everything when the upper floors close (lower floor open 24/7 but upper floors r vacant p much after 12:00 AM)

3- she starts getting increasingly curious about human stuff cos she’s literate nd books r pry neat

4- it starts one night when she spots an unattended notebook and a half eaten blueberry muffin, nd it’s 12:30 so nobody’s coming back in atm (it’s the 80s so no laptops for the plebians quite yet)

5- so she goes ‘welp’ nd takes part of the muffin, then sees the work on the page and goes ‘hmmmm this is incorrect’ so she helps our and leaves notes here n there to point the kid in the right direction and puts down some book refs for further study bcos at this point she’s been there for 2 years and she knows where most things are

6- she stays behind to see if the human comes back for it, hidden in a hidey hole near the desk

7- human comes in, sees notebook, practically melts w relief nd stuffs it in his bag

8- next day human comes back nd leaves nother notebook and a cookie, along w a hidden camera

9- Mira goes ‘o boy, this a trap, innit’

10- Mira then decides ‘eh whatever I haven’t had contact w anyone in years now so I might as well’

11- she steals the camera film nd leaves a lil scrap of paper saying ‘nice try ;)’ on it

12- student comes back, sees paper, goes ‘dammit’, then leaves note addressed to the ‘library fairy’ and another cookie, as well as more of their work for her to help with

13- bout a decade goes by and now the “Library Fairy” is an urban myth, it’s currently 2003 so she’s also wound up on the school’s unofficial Wikipedia page under ‘local cryptids’

14- most library employees know of her but they don’t go looking out of fear stemming from superstitions bout her, somehow the legend grew from ‘can’t be photographed’ to ‘a student once saw her and died that day’

15- there’s now a small shrine devoted to her where ppl bring offerings hoping to get good grades in return, sometimes they will leave papers for her to proofread nd stuff

16- new prof (named Alexei) finds online article thinks he Knows What’s Up bcos he had a borrower friend as a kid, but they left when borrower’s fam found out about them knowing each other

17- he leaves note wedged in one of her secret entrances behind outlet, asking if she can meet w him at some point

18- Mira, already In it, goes ‘Okay. Alright. This has gone on for long enough. Time to go and never return’ but ofc she’s curious as all hell and like she decides she will at least honor the guy’s request for a convo b4 she goes, but on her terms and w/o speaking face 2 face

19- they Talk in the library after hours, bcos he paid off the janitor to let him stay after hours nd most of the student employees recognize him as a prof nd leave him alone

20- they talk again for every subsequent night

21- she uhhhh finally decides to reveal herself nd prays that her hunch was right nd he won’t try to grab her or anything

22- he doesn’t but she’s nervous so she winds up gettin caught in her own climbing rope like idiot, is now dangling from ceiling in tangled mess

23- he stifles chuckle nd she says smthn sarcastic

24- he moves closer and offers to untangle her

25- she’s like ‘please’

26- so he do, but her grip on the rope slips nd he has to catch her

26- so now she’s in his hand and he just sets her down and now he’s a bumbling embarrassed mess bcos he said he wasn’t going to hold her and he just did and o dear pls forgib him

28- nd she’s like ‘dude u just saved my life it’s fine ur fine chill’

29- internally she’s going HOLY FUCK AAAAAAA but externally, her human’s already worked up enough as it is so she’s gotta b the level headed one

29.5- after a while they both kinda get used to each other more, he gets tenure, they celebrate, some more stuff happens, Aleksei got married (not to Mira, Mira hasn’t actually rly thought about being in a relationship w anyone cos she’s laser focused on gaining as much knowledge as possible)

30- eventually Alexei’s like ‘hey so I’m dean of faculty for the biotech branch now uhhhh would u like actual job teaching students? Cos, uh, you can do it remotely thru online lectures n stuff, no in person interaction, and I uh was just kinda wondering—‘

31- she’s like ‘yes. Yes!!! LET ME HELP PEOPLE OFFICIALLY KINDA’

32- so now she’s a professor, and has revealed her Secret a few times here n there to a number of the faculty, nd she has recorded her own findings in a personal journal

33- ‘humans will treat u like a human if they think ur human first. The kids call it ‘catfishing’’

34- enter Ross, an mall goth who accidentally tripped headfirst into a premed program

35- Mira’s favorite field of study is bio so naturally she’s his prof for a majority of his classes

36- being the good boy that he is, he now knows Mira’s secret. There is an Entire Chapter on him finding out and legit just continuing their conversation as if everything was normal bcos he thought that was how he was supposed to handle the situation

37- then she says ‘u can ask questions, u know’ he’s like OH THANK FUCK CAUSE I HAVE SEVEN HUNDRED OF THOSE

38- and now he kinda knows what to look for in terms of ‘do borrowers live here check yes or no’

39-in his apartment, the answer is yes and he mistakenly kinda stumbles upon the mom one night when he wakes up in the middle of the night for Snack and opts to pretend like its not happening. Unfortunately the thing she was trying 2 borrow (piece of crumb cake for Son Boy’s birthday) is the thing he wants 2 eat so he’s like “uh. ‘Scuse me, ma’am.” and he peels back the saran wrap on the other side of the plate, takes piece, nd then leaves some there for her

40-so now the woman is like ‘welp guess it time 2 Leave’

.1- she and husband Talk

.2-they decide it best 2 go

.3-theyre Packing

.4-lil bab Ellie confused

.5-hawk attacke

.6-cut to Ross

41- Ross also happens to work at a bar and he goes outside for a break

43- he finds smal child—smol smal—on the sidewalk and said child is missing an arm, nd has lost a lot of blood, so he’s uhhhhh Losing It highkey

43.5-parents r nowhere 2 b seen, but the hawk is nearby and circling. Ross gets an idea of what just happened

44- he up and leaves work, thankfully his apartment is above the shop so he jumps up the fire escape w the child and

45- he make tourniquet

46- he calls Mira nd asks her 2 come over to ASAP. he’s A Mess at this point

47- it is Very touch and go, kid needs blood, Mira is the only viable donor so she’s just gotta pray that the blood type is fine and won’t kill him

48- and then eventually they manage 2 stave infection thru antibiotics properly dosed to his size, Mira does Math and Prays basically

49- ‘bout a month in, kid wakes up

50- kid doesn’t rember much since he’s only 3

51- hes v scared of Ross at first but over time he gets used 2 the human

52- kid (elliot) starts 2 call Ross ‘dad’ after a while

53- Ross: *internal screaming but in a good way*

54- the end kinda for now

Part 2

A- New Borrowers In The Building

—three of em. paranoid dad, mom, nd daughter that’s Elliot’s age so he’s pumped

B- Elliot offers them a place 2 stay briefly

C- he knows by now bout like, how borrowers don’t typically interact w humans and Auntie Mira’s a bit of a weird case so he just doesn’t tell em bout his dad being the human

D- the kid finds out first nd doesn’t tell the parents, but they figure it out later kinda and think that it’s a ‘o god he’s being kept as a pet’ sitch so they’re >:| abt it

E- they move out and try to take Elliot w them (by force bcos they think he’s brainwashed) but he escapes and makes it to Ross, who’s like “uhhhhhh”

F- and the mom come out the hole near the counter n starts yelling at Ross, who is…kinda used to it since Mira brings in ppl who need help from time 2 time and they typically don’t react well when they’re lucid enough to understand what’s going on. He’s just not used to being questioned about his own kid

G- so they’re like “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING WITH HIM”

H- and he’s like “r…raising him???”

I- and Ellie steps up and he’s like “this is my dad. I decided he was my dad when I was three. He’s being a good parent”

J- and Ross is like “yeah what he said. I’m a good parent.”

K- Ross is riding that high til the end of fucking time but like back to the story at hand

L- this is when the husband comes out nd is like “lissen. wifey. ily but that is a very big human and he hasn’t grabbed us yet so let’s count our blessings and gtfo”

M- but she’s like “uh no we stay until I’m sure Elliot is Safe and fucking Sound”

N- so they stay for dinner nd stick around a little longer.

O- Val (the kid) gets closer 2 Elliot and also Ross a bit

P- Mira shows once or twice, first time she shows up they’re like “oh god it’s the crazy doctor lady this all makes sense now” (bcos Mira does check up on as many borrower families as possible in her free time so word has got around by now Of her, and the number by which to contact her in case her services r needed)

Q- After a month or so, then they decide to leave bcos they’re like “look we get that ur son is ur son and he only has one arm and in our profession that is kind of a death sentence but we can’t have our kid getting used to dealing w humans who know about our existence” so they go and leave on a kind of sour note bcos Ellie can do anything he wants to do just as well as any other borrower Thank You Very Much and Ross is ready to fite anyone who thinks otherwise

R- Elliot starts trying 2 b more independent, basically from now on he’s like ‘I can do everything my Damn Self Thanks’

S- but uh he does it to a point where he’s going out of the way to endanger himself

T- so they get into a fite about it and ross Yells and Elliot is like ‘kthxbye’

U- and the boi just. Fuckin bolts. Runs Away. Ross is a Mess, he starts smoking again (he quit cold turkey the day he took Elliot in) to curb the depression, he’s jus. Not doin good, worried that his son is dead and the last time they talked it’d ended badly

V- FREEDOM!!!1! Except Ellie doesn’t kno how to take care of himself so it’s a rough month or so and then he runs into some other borrowers livin in their own town in the wild ig, chillin, being hella independent, and he’s like “uh yes ofc I will join u, I was w my dad for a while but.........” he neither confirms nor denies that his dad’s dead but everyone kinda just assumes.

Part 3

W-anyway a year goes by and then the borrower group gets hit hard w some kind of sickness ig. Elliot gets it too he’s basically incapacitated n drifting in and out of lucidity. So. They contact the weird crazy doctor lady who hangs around humans, a.k.a. Mira, and she’s like “oh. fuck. I know this kid.” bcos she does, u kno, and she jus treats em all for their ailment and shows them how to make antibiotic poultice thing in case smthn like it happens again. Mold. Penicillin is basically what it is

X-she and Elliot hav a Chat (Mira basically yells at him a lot) once he’s fixed up and he decides he’s gonna visit his dad but he makes it very clear that he is a Grown Up (he’s not, he’s literally sixteen), and he is living on his own now

Y- he agrees to stay for a week tho since he misses his home a lot tbh and Ross is just. Over the fucking moon to know he’s ALIVE, he’s not gonna fuck up their relationship by insisting that he stay. Or like, by keeping him ofc he would never

Z- unfortunately the borrower community put two and two together and figured out his dad’s human so they have his stuff packed up when he gets back w mira, who’s ready to go the fuck off on them

End 1:

-Ellie is living at Ross’s place atm and hopeful about the future basically. He eventually will go off on his own but he’ll keep in contact w his dad and stuff

Part C.5

55- few yrs later

56- elliot is Adult now he does adult borrower stuff

57- he moves out

58- finds nice borrower gf (her name’s Tess)

59- doesn’t tell her about his dad being human but talks about his dad a LOT

60- so when she asks to meet said father he’s just like “uh. Maybe we don’t do that actually”

61- and she’s like “y tho”

62- and he’s like “bcos”

63- anyway she decides to look into it cos she knows he goes to see his dad nd keep in touch but his dad is allegedly “a recluse who lives in the big scary human’s walls to avoid other ppl”

64- which is. Not true in the slightest tbqh he’s def not an introvert he’s just a workaholic and he Is the big scary human

65- anywho they run into Val and her wife and she’s like “how’s Ross been?” And Elliot is acting Very Suspish so she, being Smart, calls it immediately and is like “oh shit u haven’t told her yet have u”

66- Tess: “told me what”

67- Val: “El’s dad is a human, bro.”

68- Tess: “I’m sorry?”

69- this results in a Big Fight and they separate for like, a month. Elliot blames Val bcos he’s being irrational and doesn’t wanna admit to the fact that lying to his girlfriend for over a year was Real Bad Actually, but over time he’s like ‘yeah it’s my fault sry for snapping at u’ cos he works thru his emotions n stuff

70- Eventually gf comes back cos she’s like “ok so. I understand why you lied to me about your dad. It was a dick move but I do get it and I still care about you a lot. I would like. To meet him.”

80- this is a lie she does not want to meet him she is doing this bcos she does not want to lose Elliot and that outweighs the fear of his dad

81- so they go to meet him but she’s just kinda. Behind the wall at first like “that’s a crazy big human this is crazy ur crazy it’s time to gO”

82- Val is also there bcos she hasn’t seen Ross in a while

83- they eventually coax her out of hiding

84- and by that I mean Val picks her up and drags her out into the open by force bcos she basically freezes up the second she catches sight of Ross and Val’s like “u didn’t come all this way for nothing, bich”

85- they have a Painfully Awkward First Meeting, Tess is trying her best but oh god he’s just too fucking. Larg. Ellie ur dad too big

86- tbh tho the ice kinda breaks after Ellie and Ross get into a fight over smthn stupid (im thinking Elliot grumbles bout Ross’s hair being unruly and he’s worried that mira’s using it like a personal storage system again and Ross is like “I’ve been keeping better track of that actually” and then like a little line of paper clips and a few hand-bound notebooks tied together w some string fall out of his fucking mane and he’s like “I can explain”

87- “dad you can’t keep letting her use your hair like a fucking NEST”

88- Tess is laughing now cos god damn this was not what she was expecting

89- that’s it the end it ends w Tess laughing at them being idiots good times r had by all

Uhhhh that’s it so far. I have More but it’s kinda jumbled rn and I need to fit stuff in places. Anyway.

#was gonna make this into a comic lawl #if I like actually manage to get off my ass over the coming weeks I probably will be able to do that! but yeah #also this was once posted b4 and I deleted it but it’s back now say hellow #Library Fairy #oc: Mira #oc: Ross #oc: Elliot #oc: Tess #oc: Val #oc: Alexei #anyway yeah here it is behold #the uhhhhh most slice of life thing I have ever created

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panlight · 4 years

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submission

I wish we had more of the human Edward in Midnight Sun, instead there were little flashbacks, which I liked a lot, from the beginning of his vampire life with Carlisle and these I also caught myself wishing they would be more recurring and longer during the narrative. I understand that according to Meyer’s world building, vampires tend to remember very little of human memories, but Edward is built to mourn these losses, his sins, the eternal question “what if…? He is Hades (I’m rolling my eyes with this comparison, but it’s in the book), the god renegade by his brother (in this case his adoptive father, Carlisle) living and reigning over the dead forever, with no choice. Wouldn’t it be a rule that he was one of the most attached to his old life? That he struggled to keep the memory of his mother Elizabeth, to whom he was closest, alive in his mind? That he always took care of his properties? And this I’m just imagining: the house, the law office of his late and distant father, the cars and the furniture. The only mentions we have about her possessions during the saga are about the jewels and these are only used for Bella to live the cliché of having an old engagement ring, a family relic and nothing else. She didn’t even bother to honor her mother-in-law by putting her name on Renesmee, despite wearing her ring. In fact, it is described that Edward came from a wealthy family, it would also be normal for him to keep portraits of his relatives. He must have some picture of his human self with the family somewhere, no? Old newspapers kept that reported about the war, his ambition at the time. And diaries! It was common in those days to keep diaries, his parents certainly did. Stephenie Meyer, are you really denying me the pleasure of having this vampire boy, tortured by his monstrosity and said like mommy’s boy, reading and regretting the blurry pages of ink that his devoted mother used to write her thoughts, emotions and memories of her family life in the Edwardian era? What could she have recorded? The advances on the piano that her little prodigy made over time, her favorite toys, the games they played together, her first words, her recitals, development of reading and hobbies, her religion? By God, mainly, his religion! Where does this fervent idea of Edward’s that he is condemned to hell come from? Was religious interest born alone or was it stimulated by others when human? Was it Elizabeth who instructed him in religious terms? Did she know anything about vampires or did she think they were just scary stories? Anyway, I just wanted more of him as a character.

We only know Edward from two perspectives: the monster he believes to be and the perfection idealized by Bella, two extremes. The narrative leads us to believe that there is no more powerful love than these two teenagers feel for each other, but it also shows us, intentionally, that Isabella Swan doesn’t care to show the slightest interest in human Edward. Until the scene of the conversation with Carlisle in New Moon, a few months after the beginning of her courtship, she didn’t even know what the color of Cullen’s human eyes had been like and didn’t mention any time, if I’m remembering well, when would be his birthday. Her focus of interest is totally on her post-human life. Where are the insignificant questions, but makes us empathize with the character? I mean, Edward will always be stuck at his 17 years. His life as a human has shaped him to be what he is today. Did he have or wish to have any pets? Did he have any allergies? Did he like his tutors? Did he attend a private school, no? What was it like? The human mind is not an encyclopedia like that of vampires, so what subjects did he like and dislike? What moments of his life marked him the most? Did he always compose or did he become more confident with the passing of his vampire life? Where are the imperfections that make us human? Did he have scars, bruises? Was he an athletic boy and well disposed to sporting activities or in poor health? Was he easily ill? He was the fastest vampire. Did he like to run? What did he want to achieve with the war? Just the glory? The pride of his parents? Personal satisfaction for fighting for a cause he believed in? His mother was not so inclined to accept his life as a soldier, but what about his father? Did he encourage it? What about your friends? Did Edward have friends as a human? He is said to be the kindest and brightest of all the Cullens, but what did he do to deserve such a great distinction? Did he show more interest in the afflictions and thoughts of those around him when human? Did it qualify him as a sensitive boy? What kindnesses was he used to do? He always wanted Bella to make the most of human life, but why he didn’t care to show what he was like when vampirism destroyed everything? We could have Bella visiting Chicago, his old house. What a drama that would be! Instead we had long pages of a weird Edward who enters her room without her permission or knowledge. Stephenie can write whatever she wants, but I refuse to believe that the son of Elizabeth Masen, a woman I believe is a lady of high society who values etiquette and old habits above all, would have raised a son who did not respect the privacy of a woman, especially a beloved, because her Edward is a gentleman, after all. I don’t know, but it seems that Meyer, through Bella, is more interested in building him the basis of the epitome of perfection that vampirism has made him than he should really be as a human, with only a few more accentuated characteristics. I just want to know more about Edward before being Edward Cullen. Seven hundred and a few pages and Edward Masen rarely came to the surface of them. What do you think about that? Do you find it interesting that human memories tend to fail and disappear over time for vampires? Because forgetting what makes you what you are must be scary, it reminds a lot of Alzheimer. Or do you think it’s just an excuse to not develop their human part anymore? Because one of the most recurrent criticisms of books is that Meyer sinned in character building, Bella practically didn’t exist before arriving at Forks in Twilight (2005), many pieces of her life and tastes were missing, which she tries to patch up in Midnight Sun. I’m sorry if the text got confused to understand.

I too think it’s sad that Bella didn’t ask more questions about Edward’s human life, or really any of their humans lives. I think SM is also a bit inconsistent with how much it “fades” or not. It’s sort of implied that if you try to hold on to it, you can keep it to some degree. Rosalie, for example, has held on to her human memories so tightly. (It seems to me if vampires never forget anything, if they think about their human memories in their early days, before it fades, then they will have those memories forever, right? They might be imperfect or fuzzy but they’re there).

And I’m really curious about his religious upbringing, too. His obsession with being damned and doomed doesn’t sound like 1918 Chicago theology but something older. I suppose it could be influenced by hearing Carlisle’s thoughts, since he IS from the older, fire-and-brimstone, most-people-are-damned era, but Carlisle himself is more hopeful, hoping (foolishly perhaps) they might get some measure of credit for trying. Sometimes I think Edward would have been more coherent as a character if he came from an older time period. 1918 is not THAT long ago but SM writes him, at times, as if he were hundreds of years old.

#submission

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aftgficrec · 4 years

Text

Anonymous said: do you know some christmas aus/fics?? or maybe november/decemberish?? or even just some winter aus pls❤️ i love your page :))

Annnd we’re back with part 2, Christmas! There are many more one-shots for this, so y’all feel free to ask for more. Plus, December staff recs are coming; care to guess the theme? 🥰- A

Here’s part 1 of this ask, winter

previous recs with Hanukkah

‘Blessed Are You’ (Jewish Neil) here

‘I get why Aaron and Neil aren’t friends…’ (Jewish Neil) here

‘seven years that andrew minyard does not catch fire …’ (Jewish Neil) here

(find our Jewish Neil Josten tag here)

previous recs with Christmas

‘white sleeves’ here

‘First Christmas’ here

‘happy holidays from the foxes’ here

‘Son of a Exy!’ part 17 here

‘Andrew and Neil Family's Adventures’ part 14 here

‘The thunder for the storm’ here

‘All the Little Lights’ here

‘Love and Other Assorted Foolishness’ here

‘Amnesiac Christmas AU’ here

‘Twelve days of Christmas music’ (kandreil) here

‘Douce Nuit (Sainte Nuit)’ (neil/andrew/jean) here

‘Under the Christmas lights’ (nerik & twins) here

‘It’s Not Family Without Love’ (chapter 8, nerik & twins) here

‘traveled down the road and back again’ (AU) here

‘Bigger Than A Hexadecimal’ (AU) here

‘Settled’ (kandreil) and ‘hearts’ series (AU) here

‘Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder’ (AU) here

‘Surreal But Nice’ (AU) here

‘paint my body gold’ (jerejean) here

‘Coupure Électrique’ (jerejean) here

‘my midwinter sun’ (jerejean) here

‘rayons du soleil’ (jerejean Hanahaki disease) here

‘Whispers in the leaves, shadows in the moonlit night’ (Nightmare Before Christmas AU) and ‘feels like tragedy's at hand’ (werewolves) here

‘morbid stuff’ part 2 (kevineil, fantasy) here

Snow Angels by ihaveacleverfandomurl [Rated G, 1394 Words, Complete, AFTG Winter Exchange 2019]

The Foxes aren’t going to let Neil spend Christmas alone this time.

Twelve Days of Christmas by nothingbutajunkie [Rated G, 4283 Words, Complete, 2020]

Neil didn’t understand why Andrew was suddenly giving him all these gifts.

Life of the Party by MusicandDancingThroughLife [Rated G, 1560 Words, Complete, 2020]

Erik and Nicky spend Christmas Eve with each other, decorating for the holiday. Lots of fluff.

Happy Together by wesawbears [Rated G, 1034 Words, Complete, AFTG Exchange 2017]

Just in time for Christmas, Nicky and Erik's family grows unexpectedly.

25 Days of Foxmas (2018) series by kiraisstillhere [Not Rated, 8509 Words, Incomplete, 2018]

A 10-fic series (to date) of holiday vignettes featuring Andreil, Katelyn/Aaron, Renison, Jerejean, Kevin/Thea with Wymack, and Nerik

Renison Christmas prompt fill by @zeniksnina [Tumblr, 2017]

- Normally they and Dan go up to see Dan’s sisters, but Allison and Renee just bought their first apartment together so they host this year!

tw: past eating disorders

my midwinter sun by poetatertot [Rated T, 3307 Words, Complete, AFTG Holiday Fanzine 2019]

Even with Jean’s initial effort to keep to himself, he knew too much. He knew how Jeremy liked his coffee (sweet); he knew Jeremy preferred citrus over chocolate. He knew Jeremy was the eldest of five children, and that he majored in business. He knew his favorite color was red.

He knew how Jeremy smiled, bright and dimpled. He knew how that smile made him feel—something terrifying, like a trapped bird that ached to fly free.

Jean swallowed hard. How could he give a gift better than that?

tw: implied/referenced abuse

Hang a Shining Star by @nekojitachan [Tumblr Fic, 2017]

“I got u in an office secret santa and i no Nothing about u so now i have to get to know u so i can buy u a gift”

Christmasy things to think about hc by @higgins5 [Tumblr, 2017]

You know, I think we should take a moment and think about how, before the foxes Neil, Kevin and Andrew probably never had a real Christmas

tw: implied/referenced rape/non con

Christmas to Andrew Minyard by @bramlouisgreenfeld [Tumblr Fic, 2016]

Christmas to Andrew Minyard is chocolate shaped like a bearded man, cold weather, and an excuse for people to preach about love while practicing intolerance. He can’t say he’s a fan of any of the above. Even the chocolate - he’s more of an ice cream kind of guy.

Art

Andreil under the mistletoe art by @coldcigarettes

Andreil, Sir & King under the Christmas tree animation by @psuvevo

it makes me happy thinking about these losers on Christmas art by @snackboiminyard

“Enjoy your last Christmas, junkie” comic by @requiemofkings

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seriously-smitten · 4 years

Text

When did you know

“Daddy?”

“Hm?”

“When did you know you loved Mummy?”

Remus looked up from the Daily Prophet and down to the seven years old boy at his side. Twinkling blue eyes watched him patiently, filled to the brim with the typical curiosity of a child. He gave an overly thoughtful hum and Teddy rocked on his heels in anticipation for his answer.

“That’s a hard question Ted,” Remus admitted.

Teddy deflated instantly, hair darkening to a stormy day gray and bottom lip slipping into a pout. Remus fought back a chuckle at his son’s dramatic response and lifted the boy onto his lap. He poked Teddy gently against his nose and he giggled, hair turning back to his favorite vibrant turquoise.

“Why are you asking, hm?” Remus asked rubbing a thumb under Teddy’s eye, across the dapple of freckles. He observed the smudge of yellow paint he had wiped off and Teddy’s cheeks turned pink.

Remus raised an eyebrow and Teddy wiggled free off of his father’s lap. Tonks was walking into the kitchen and he watched him maneuver quickly around his mother who stumbled. She shouted at the flash of blue hair zipping by her legs.

“Edward Remus Lupin what did I say about running in the house?!” Dora yelled.

The resounding slam of a door upstairs was her reply and she huffed, readjusting the laundry basket on her hip. Remus chuckled and cleared a spot for her to place the basket on the table.

“I swear he’s starting to listen to us less and less every day,” Dora sighed folding the laundry.

“I still think he’s the best behaved amongst the children,” Remus said with a proud tone as he helped his wife fold clothing.

She smiled at a pair of small trousers pulled from the pile and her nose wrinkled, “He is the oldest, but I don’t know though, Victoire is fairly mature as well.”

Remus’ head perked up and raised his eyebrows. Dora looked at him like he had sprouted a second head, “Sweetheart?”

Remus smiled to himself then, shaking his head and waving his hand.

“Nothing, love. Nothing at all.”

- 6 years later -

Remus knocked on the door in front of him a second time and waited. It swung inward as he went to knock for the third, and Teddy greeted him. Pounding music, concealed by a silencing charm to his bedroom now spilt into the hallway. Remus flicked his wand and the familiar lyrics of one of Dora’s old Weird Sisters Christmas edition albums cut off. Teddy frowned for a moment but shrugged and stepped back into his room.

“What’s up Da? Could you hear the music? Coulda sworn Mum reinforced the charm the other day,” Teddy said.

Remus looked about the room, always intrigued by some new drawing or painting Teddy hung about. The blue walls could barely be seen and he eyed the stack of sketch books leaning precariously in the corner. Teddy’s school trunk sat open at the foot of his bed, still packed for when he returned after holiday.

Teddy plopped back down into the chair at his desk. He ruffled his hair and Remus sat down on the bed across from him. His bones ached in protest and he sighed rubbing at his wrist. Teddy frowned at him but Remus waved his hand, “You know I’m fine. Your mother’s clumsiness has just rubbed off on me. Sprained my wrist is all.”

Teddy nodded but didn’t look entirely convinced. Remus looked up towards the ceiling where the drawings started to encroach. There was this beautiful circle of papers magically attached to one another above Teddy’s bed. Each picture had a moon phase and a family of three wolves that moved from one page to the next in the moon cycle. Now the family of wolves was sitting looking up at a freshly waning moon. It was a wonderful little enchantment thought of and drawn by Teddy and charmed by Dora and Sirius.

“Da? Everything alright?” Teddy asked.

Remus looked back at Teddy and felt the clenching in this chest that had begun recently. He looked so grown up now and he wished time would just stand still, just for a little bit. Now, at thirteen years old, he was taller than Dora and an inch or two away from Remus’ nose. It seemed only yesterday that his little boy was still crashing into his shins and tugging at the ends of his robes.

“Your Mum and I invited some guests for Christmas Eve dinner. I expect James, Albus and Fred will want to bunk with you,” Remus said.

“Oh everyone’s coming? Brilliant!” Teddy grinned.

“Yes - including Bill and Fleur...”

Teddy’s grin vanished and instead of blushing, Remus watched Teddy’s hair turn to the same pink his mother’s did.

“Oh so L-Louis will be coming...”

Remus nodded.

“A-and Dominque?”

Remus nodded again and Teddy swallowed.

“Victoire too?”

“I do believe that if Bill and Fleur are coming then their children will also be,” Remus grinned.

“Right. Yes. Wonderful. I, um, I have to start tidying up then I suppose!” Teddy announced standing and pulling at his pink hair which he failed to notice had changed.

Remus reached out grabbing Teddy’s wrist and he looked over to his father who nodded to the spot next to him on the bed. Teddy sat beside him and Remus interlaced their fingers, staring down at their hands.

“I remember one time you asked me when I knew that I loved you mother.”

Teddy looked up at him with those same curious blue eyes framed by freckles. Remus squeezed his hand and shrugged.

“I never really thought about it. There was never a moment that I could pinpoint. I fell in love with your mum without ever realizing I had. Loving your mother is as easy as breathing to me,” Remus said with a fond smile at the wedding band catching the morning sunlight.

Teddy, yet having his question answered, seemed even more disappointed. Remus watched his face fall and his shoulders sag. Hair fading to that melancholy gray. Remus looked at him sadly as he leaned against his arm, head cushioned on his shoulder and grip tightening on his hand.

“But I thought you had doubts...”

Remus felt a twist in his gut and his knuckles turned white as his grip tightened on his son’s hand. Remembering the awful ordeal of being honest with Teddy about their past. Watching hurt flicker across his eyes and knowing that for a moment there had been doubt about Remus’ love for him. He shook his head a little to try and clear his mind of those thoughts, “I never once wavered in my love for your mother or for you. I made wrong and foolish decisions thinking they were the right ones. You are both my greatest loves. Don’t ever doubt that.”

He kissed the top of Teddy’s head as his son nodded.

“I think - no, I know I fancy Vic. I just don’t know if I love her,” Teddy sighed.

Remus laughed pulling his hand away and instead wrapping his arm around Teddy‘s shoulders, “Edward-“

His nose scrunched in displeasure, “Dad!”

Remus ignored him and carried on, “You are thirteen years old. You don’t have to decide what you’re having for supper tomorrow, let alone decide if you’re in love with Victoire Weasley. Understand?”

A smile tugged at the corner of Teddy’s lip and he nodded, “Yeah, guess you’re right. Thanks da.”

“Of course. Although I must say she is very pretty and very sweet so do try not mess things up.”

“Da! Pressure!”

Remus barked with vicious laughter as Teddy’s hair turned bright pink again and he shoved his face into his hands. Remus ruffled the hair on the back of his head and Teddy swatted at him. The older wizard stood and gave his son’s room another look around while Ted grumbled on the bed. His eyes settled on one drawing stuck about waist size next to Teddy’s desk.

It was nothing compared to the other drawings he produced now, after years of practice. However, what made it stand out was the girl in the drawing, who was holding hands with a blue haired boy, and had bright yellow hair.

Remus’s eyes crinkled warmly. Teddy finished his muttering and was focusing on his now purple hair, trying to get it back to his favorite shade. Nose scrunched up, and lips pouted in concentration, all Remus saw was Nymphadora in his boy.

He gave Teddy’s shoulder a squeeze and turned to go. He stumbled forward for a moment as Teddy collided into his back and wrapped his arms around him. He could feel his nose poking between his shoulder blades as Teddy spoke, “I love you Da.”

“Love you too, son.”

#remadora #ronks #edward remus lupin #teddy lupin #hp fanfic #remadora fanfiction #tedoire #victoire weasley

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hextiger · 3 years

Text

More Research Excerpts

This time it's Der Alptraum in Beziehung zu gewissen Formen mittelalterlichen Aberglaubens. (English: The Nightmare in Relation to Certain Forms of Medieval Superstition).

You can find the PDF here via Project Gutenberg, but it's in German.

For context though: this appeared in 1902 in a magazine published by Sigmund Freud. That fact is very much apparent throughout.

Introduction

"My focus is not on the historical side but the deepest psychological meaning" phrases that clue you in that there's a lot of nonsense coming

Nowadays the word "Weib" really just reads as "woman (derogatory)"

Dream and Belief

"the breath soul and the shadow soul" I'm sorry what. What! Shadow soul?????

"Freud's discovery of psychoanalysis" I don't know that I'd call it a discovery rather than "wholesale invention" or maybe "ass-pull" but sure

You can at times REALLY tell this is influenced by Freud. Example: "The more people have a certain type of dream the more likely it is that its' subliminal content is of a sexual nature" good (?) news for all the people who dream about their teeth falling out

Something something dreaming of your dead mother or father something something oedipus complex repressed in childhood

You can really tell this was written in the early 20th century. Take me back to the 18th/19th century weirdness please

"In a court in 1516 the jury of Trojes admonished the caterpillars who had devastated some distracts on punishment of curse and excommunication to leave within a certain number of days" I have SO MANY questions

The source for the above is "Cesaresco. Essays in the Study of Folk-Songs, P. 183" which I now have to read

Nightmares

"It is generally known that nightmares have a greater influence on the fantasy of waking life than any other dream" my dude you JUST went on for a whole chapter abt sex dreams so like are you sure

"I have added that the repression of female masochistic sexual urges is more suited to the creation of the typical nightmare than that of the male one, a view that Adler agrees with" I just wanna read abt weird hairy creatures sitting on people's chests, not this nonsense

Ok HERE'S something interesting. Dude's talking about how nightmares express deeply repressed wishes like yes. This I can vibe with

"Digestive problems do not explain the appearance of beautiful women from keyholes" sure but if that were a thing I'd sure as hell take the digestive problems

Incubus and Incubation

"In the middle ages the belief was generally that there were evil spirits whose sole function was to have [...] intercourse with sleeping people" HE JUST SAYS THIS. WITHOUT A SOURCE

"A favorite form that incubi took was that of clergy. Hieronmyus reports the story of a young lady who called for help against an incubus which her friends found under their beds in the form of the bishop Sylvanus. The reputation of the bishop would have suffered if he had been unable to convince them that the incubus had taken his form"

People at the time reacted by saying "Oh an excellent example for the wizardry of Sylvanus" so I don't think this bishop was believed

Anyway I WISH that had been an incubus but it really sounds like it was just a creepy old dude

Sir why do you keep randomly throwing untranslated French quotes in this German text

Oh hey another mention of people who were supposedly children of incubi. This time it's Alexander the Great, Caesar, Martin Luther, Plato, all of the Huns and everyone who lived on Cyprus

You're right, it would be unnecessary to linger on how snakes are phallic symbols thank you for not doing that

"The belief that the soul leaves the sleeper in the form of a snake which escapes through the mouth" UM HOLD ON

I checked the source and yeah, that sure is a thing

This one's from Thorpe. Northern Mythology, 1851, Vol I. P. 289f https://archive.org/details/northernmytholog01thoruoft/page/n309/mode/2up

The Vampire

"The wish for reunion, which has its origin in the living person, is here partially projected on the dead" FINALLY some good content

"Widows can get pregnant by their vampiric husbands visiting" uhuh sure

"After the transformation into a vampire is complete it can be discovered by finding the unburied body with red cheeks, tightskin, full blood vessels, warm blood, grown hair and nails and open left eye"

May have found another source on alps here. Features slut-shaming of sphinxes as far as I can tell

"The Wallachian myth wherein dead redheaded men appear in the form of frogs, bugs etc. and drink the blood of pretty girls"

So depending on which church you were a part of before committing heresy you'd either become a werewolf (roman-catholic) or a vampire (greek)

"Like the vampire the Alp can be the soul of a dead person and suck the blood of sleeping people" whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy do I only read this now

The Werwolf

Apollo's apparently associated with wolves, which I did not know

Oh yeah I forgot about the part of werewolf lore that's like "Yeah they turn their human skin inside-out cause the other side is a wolf pelt"

If you're born on christmas day you're apparently destined to become a werewolf as punishment for your parent daring to deliver on the same day as Mary

"The seventh son is destined to become a werewolf, the seventh daughter a mare" mmmmmmmmm there's Something here I may be able to use

Quick gallows, wow what's that? Oh. Oh it's a gallows where the person has their hands bound behind their back, is pulled up by their bound hands on a pulley and then dropped from great height??????? That's uh. That doesn't sound like a good experience

Armenian werewolves are women who sinned and were thus punished by having to live for seven years as a werewolf.

There's also a creature that's somewhat between werewolf and vampire which, apparently sucks blood from the soles of the feet of people walking by

Very rough translation but "One has to burn the werewolf because otherwise he will rise from his grave a few days later. In ravenous hunger he will eat the flesh from his own hands and feet and when he has nothing else on his body to consume he will burrow out from his grave at midnight, fall into the herds and steal the animals or even go into houses, lay down by the sleeping and suck their blood from them" this is good, actually

I cannot stress enough how openly freudian this thing is

Werewolves can apparently also leave behind their bodies and wander about at night

Devilworship

"Belief in devils can be traced back to an oedipus complex" ok. sure

Apparently the devil used to be a close parallel to jesus. The whole deal: twelve apostles, went to hell and was reborn, hot bod

The devil had his own bible which was written down in Bohemia and is now in a library in Stockholm k so who's down for a trip to Stockholm after [waves hands] all this is done

"One of the later bynames of the devil was Grendel (english Grant)"

The devil is canonically bisexual and bigender

He can only impregnate folks if he previously acts as a succubus

....Merlin was a son of the devil? He was born because the devil was imitating God? His purpose was to defeat Jesus? Is this what Fate Grand Order is about

"if a woman sleeps alone the devil sleeps with her" well good for her

The devil has a second face on his butt that looks like a beautiful woman's face. He sits the wrong way around in chairs. His genitals are on his back

The Witch Epidemic

Witches like to eat babies, especially unbaptized ones

Witches apparently sometimes turned men into horses to ride to sabbath??? rad

Or they rode the devil himself in form of a horse or goat. sure

Why would witches have stigmata. I want to know, but not enough to check the source that's cited for this

The roman-catholic church is at fault for witchcraft

Apparently 40 year old witches turn into Drude which are also similar to alps

In Conclusion

This entire thing was a trip but I cannot recommend reading it or a translation. It's far too Freudian for my tastes. At least there's a little bit here that I can use for A Pale Imitation and its potential sequels.

#Mu speaks #hey did you know #The next thing I'm researching is philosophy #which should be fun #And then some more on mares and stuff which I'm also looking forward to

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homoose · 3 years

Text

Love Has a Learning Curve: Part VII (x OC)

Summary: Maggie tries to make things right, with a little push from her mama.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x OC

Category: hurt/comfort

Warnings/Includes: none

Word count: 5.8k

a/n: I know, I know— please just let our babies be happy ♥️ and so it was. Also, big ups to my tumblr gf @idmakeitbehave for being my beta the last two chapters.

Series Masterlist

———

One week.

That’s how long it had been since their argument. Spencer had driven back to his apartment in silence, absolutely stunned by the way things had blown up.

They’d gotten back from the case in Utah on the fifth of January, and he’d driven straight to Maggie’s, ready to give her a belated New Year’s kiss. Immediately upon entering her apartment, he knew something was wrong. Her hug was stiff, her kiss brief, her eye contact minimal. He’d spent the night, but they barely touched, and she left early for work without waking him. He’d let himself out and texted her later in the day to invite her over for dinner.

Dinner hadn’t been any less awkward, and when he felt awkward, he knew it was bad. He finally couldn’t ignore it any longer, and he’d called it out. He had expected some resistance, but he hadn’t expected that. Maggie never spoke to him with any malice at all, even when he was actually doing something that irritated her. She was the queen of healthy communication. So for her to speak to him like that meant that the underlying issue was much, much worse than he’d originally thought.

He’d gone over their conversations a thousand times, looking desperately for the moment that it went wrong. After some deep consideration, he was certain that something had happened on New Year’s Eve. He just wasn’t sure what. Maggie was insistent that she wasn’t bothered by the declined call, but he still wished he could go back in time and answer it. He was pretty sure the seeds of their argument had sprouted in that moment, regardless of what she said.

No new messages.

…

Maggie dropped her bag on the floor inside the door and turned to lock the deadbolt. She had managed to sneak out of the building without being stopped by Anita, and she thanked the universe for small miracles.

And then she came to the argument outside of Harpy’s and lost what little emotional stability she had left.

“Never took you for the type that cares much what people think.”

“I can’t, Bo. And that might make me a coward, but—”

“It does. Willowdean Dixon, I think you’re beautiful. To hell with anyone who’s ever made you feel less than that.”

She didn’t realize she was crying until Roald meowed in distress. She choked out a sob and stroked over his ears, closing her eyes in defeat. “I really fucked this up, huh?”

The line connected and rang three times before she picked up. “Hey, sugar! Your ears must be ringin’, ‘cause I was just thinkin’ about callin’ you.”

“Hey, mama,” Maggie breathed.

Her mother’s tone changed from chipper to concerned in an instant. “What’s wrong, baby?”

She leaned forward to the coffee table to grab Spencer’s scarf— somehow left behind in her apartment— rubbing it between her fingers. “I— I really messed up.”

“Oh, Lord. You need bail money?”

Despite herself, Maggie laughed wetly. “Oh my god, mama. No, I don’t need bail money.”

“Well, if you made bail it can’t be that bad,” Rose insisted.

“I didn’t— I’m not in jail, for Christ’s sake.” Maggie ran a hand over her face. “I messed things up with Spencer.”

“Well, we can fix that,” Rose responded matter of factly. “What happened?”

“We were fighting, and I said some really, really awful things,” Maggie admitted, tears spilling over her lash line.

Rose scoffed. “Honey, I say awful things to your father all the time, and we’ve been married almost forty years.”

Maggie heaved a long sigh. “Not like this, mama.”

Her mother hummed in consideration. “Well, what were y’all fightin’ about?”

“It’s complicated,” Maggie hedged, toying with the fringe of the scarf.

Rose clicked her tongue. “Do ya want my help or not?”

Maggie dropped her head back against the couch. “I ran into Owen on New Year’s Eve—”

“Well, I hope you told him to stick it where the sun don’t shine,” Rose practically growled.

Maggie closed her eyes as the tears tracked hot down her cheeks. “I didn’t. I— I let him get under my skin, and then I didn’t want to tell Spencer about it because it’s embarrassing, but he knew something was wrong, and he wouldn’t stop asking about it.” She had to pause and suck in a hiccuping breath, releasing it on a sob. “So I yelled at him and said all kinds of terrible things, and then he left, and now I think maybe we broke up, and I’ve literally never been so sad in my whole life.”

Maggie swiped uselessly at the tear tracks on her cheeks, sniffling pathetically. “And now I hurt the person who’s spent the last year singlehandedly undoing all of his awful handiwork.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Rose cooed. Maggie could hear the creak of the floorboards as her mother walked through her childhood home. “You said he knew somethin’ was wrong, right? I can almost guarantee that he’s still just wonderin’ what’s goin’ on. I know he’s supposed to be a genius, but he’s still a man. And men are dumb, sugar. You gotta spell it out for ‘em. Have you talked to him since?”

“No.” Fresh tears spilled over Maggie’s lashes as the thoughts that had kept her from calling him spilled out of her mouth. “What if it was too far? What if I ruined everything? What if he never wants to speak to me again?”

Ross heaved out a long breath. “That’s a lot of what ifs, Maggie Mae.”

“What if I’m right?” she whispered.

“And what if you’re not?” Rose countered. “That boy loves you. Anyone could see that, clear as day. He’d do just about anything for you.” Rose paused, and Maggie heard the springs of the bed squeak as she sat. “But you gotta let him, sweetheart. Right now you’re takin’ away his chance to do that. You’re makin’ the decision for him.”

Maggie listened as her mother’s advice crackled over the line, and for the first time in a week, she felt a tiny sliver of hope.

…

That evening found Spencer in his usual spot on the couch, reclined against the arm with a book in hand. He’d promised himself he’d give Maggie the weekend to herself— that he’d let her come to him. That didn’t stop him from checking his phone obsessively; it never buzzed with any new calls or messages, but he still looked every seven minutes.

“Hi.”

He’d imagined this conversation countless times over the last week, and never once had he thought it would start like this. “Um. Well. You— you really hurt me.”

She could barely look at him. “I know.”

He swallowed. “Please don’t do that again.”

She shook her head, finally meeting his eyes. “I won’t. I won’t ever again.”

He wanted to argue— she wasn’t a bitch— but he could tell she was far from done.

He thought back to that night in Mitchell Park and felt the guilt all over again. He’d practically said those exact words to her— it was no wonder she was feeling this way.

“And then I met you, and you…” Maggie let out a wry laugh. “You’re easily the most interesting person I’ve ever met, but you made me feel like… I don’t know, like I’m interesting, too. Like I’m worthy of being with you, like I’m— like I’m good enough.”

He felt his heart splintering into a thousand tiny shards— good enough?

She continued, “That’s what happened before, and none of those guys were even half as wonderful as you are.” She swiped a hand haphazardly over her cheeks, looking at him sheepishly. “And then I was hurtful and awful, and I realized that I was just creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and I don’t— I don’t want to do that.”

“I don’t want you to go,” he interrupted.

Her eyes went wide. “You don’t?”

“Of course not.” Spencer stepped forward and reached for her. “Of course not. C’mere.”

“Maggie, I’m right here,” he assured her. “I’m right here, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”

“But if you n-need space, I understand,” she sobbed.

“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t need space. I think a week was long enough, don’t you?” he asked, pressing a kiss into her hair.

She pulled back out of the hug, head down. “But I really hurt you.”

He held her hand. “Yeah. And I really hurt you, too.”

She huffed out a breath. “That’s not how this works. I don’t get to hurt you just because you hurt me.”

“What if you change your mind?” she whispered.

Maggie nodded, and he pulled her into another hug. He closed his eyes, letting out a sigh of relief. “If I hadn’t heard from you by Sunday, I was planning to bother you until you talked to me.”

“Sometimes I need to be told that my worst fears about myself aren’t true,” she admitted. “I know that’s so annoying, but—”

“A wise man told me once... that love is helping someone navigate their storms,” he murmured, squeezing her hand. She looked at him then, and he continued, “You’ve been my lighthouse for a long time, Maggie. And I— I’m trying desperately to be yours… But you have to let me.”