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stardustandash · 11 months

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Get By With a Little Help - Jedi Survivor

Summary: The many times the folk of Rambler’s Reach lend a helping hand to their resident Jedi, and a few times he helps them in return.Or, a series of short vignettes of Cal interacting with the folk found around Koboh.

Chapter 1 below the cut, if you prefer ao3 reading, this is the link! (Please drop in and leave a comment if you like it!)

Tags: fluff, hurt/comfort

Koboh isn’t the kind of place they write about in the Core to lure rich travellers somewhere to empty their pockets. It’s the kind of place that you end up in when you’re either running from something or too naïve to understand why the planet is so deserted. Unless you’re Turgle, who came here specifically to swindle fools, but Doma wasn’t Turgle. She’d once been a prospector, full of foolish dreams of striking it rich on an untapped planet. Then her partner had died and she had found herself alone on a backwater planet without a ship or hope of anything.

Then Doma had happened across the barest bones of what was once an outpost, and she has never been a quitter. She rallied a few prospectors and rescued a few others, and over the years a little town grew in the shade of the mountain and nestled against the slow, wide river. Others began showing up too. She didn’t care much about who was coming in back then, she still doesn’t now, as long as they aren’t raiders or agents of the so called Empire that’s burning their way through the rest of the galaxy.

So when a Jedi of all things lands at her doorstep Doma hardly blinks an eye, just gives him the lay of the land and sends him on his way. The kid seems halfway between polished and rough, but he helped out Turgle and that is enough to endear him to her somewhat. That and the priorite he has lining his pockets. Doma may be kind, but she isn’t a fool. There’s nothing that makes the galaxy go round more than getting what’s owed from credits to justice. She might have a few things a kid like him would be interested in, and she makes sure they’re on full display when he comes into Dendra’s Antiquities.

When he enters it’s a bit more energy than she’s used to from the folks around here. Not from the kid, exactly, but his little droid. The thing bounces off his shoulder and starts scanning any and everything around the shop. She watches the duo curiously from behind the counter as they inspect some old tools that Mosey’d found on an unlucky prospector over in the gulch then move on to a broken toy tooka. Not that there were any kids around to play with the thing, but you never know. Maybe the kid needs something softer than the droid to sleep with. He passes right over all the things Doma had laid out to tempt him to trade and eventually lands on the other side of the counter.

“Is there anything I can help you find?” asks Doma, slow and inviting.

“Yeah, actually. I was wondering if you have any clothes in here? I don’t mind used if that’s all you have,” says the kid. The look on his face says that he would actually mind very much but is either too desperate or too polite to say otherwise.

Doma gives him a once-over, taking in his appearance in the close proximity. While his face is clean and his hair has seen a wash sometime in the last few days, the state of his clothes say that they’re the only ones he’s got. Her eyes can pick out the lines of mending stitches beneath dirt that’s been ground into the weave of his shirt. The vest he’s wearing has seen better days too. So have his pants and boots. Probably the only set he owns then, Doma concludes. He must be one of the on the run types. Not that the Jedi part didn’t give that away.

“Sorry kid, not at the moment. At least I ain’t got anything that’ll fit you.”

“That’s okay. Does anyone else around here sell clothes?”

Doma chuckles. “I’m the only shop in business in Rambler’s Reach, though if you find an abandoned campsite out there with something in your size, chances are no one’s going to come complaining if you take it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” says the kid.

“If you’re really desperate I’m sure Mosey has something that might fit a scrawny little thing like you,” she adds.

The kid flushes nearly as red as his hair. Doma forgot that humans did that. It’s sweet. He trades for a few songs and backs out of the store before the red fully fades. Doma watches him go. The new blood’ll be good around here, breathe some life into an old, dusty town. She does make a note to procure some clothes in the right sizes for the kid. If he’s willing to trade all that priorite she may as well give him something to trade for.

It takes a while, but eventually Doma gets a healthy selection of clothes for humanoid males into the shop. Some of it’s been scrounged from abandoned camps, others from the raider’s supply. Either way, no one’s come looking for them yet, and the kid, Cal, is the only one buying. He hasn’t asked her about stocking anything else yet, and so Doma settles in to seeing him at least once every few weeks for a new shirt or pants, the last ones looking like he’d dragged them by nekko around the planet then given them to a mogu. But it works for her and it seems to work for him.

Cal doesn’t have to ask her to stock anything else, but Doma learns. She learns the hard way, as she always does. She learned she wasn’t cut out to be a prospector with the death of her partner. She learns what Cal needs when the raiders come knocking.

The sound of the scuffle is what gets her attention. Doma is in her shop when the echoes of blaster fire ring through the outpost. Screams follow, and the sound of people running. This isn’t the first time the raiders have come to Rambler’s reach however, and Doma knows from experience that having a strong figure to rally behind gives the residents here the spine to stand and fight for their home. So she grabs her rifle and steps out into the sunlight with her shoulders squared. No raider will be taking their home nor goods today.

Yet the sounds coming from the entrance to town aren’t the usual gleeful hoots and hollers from the raiders. No, there’s concern in those shouts. Fear too. And the high pitched sound of something buzzing. Doma rounds the corner and sees the gang of raiders she was expecting, both humanoid and droid together. But what she wasn’t expecting to see was the local Jedi waving his lightsaber around and handling the group by himself. For a moment she feels like she’s small again, back when tales of the mysterious Jedi coming to save a planet were still common bedtime stories. But she has never been one to revel in the past, and Cal has never really cut an imposing fairy tale figure. He does not fight like she imagined a Jedi would. He does not possess elegance and grace but rather a lethal calculation to his strikes.

Doma arms her rifle and steps towards the fray. While she appreciates the help, this is her outpost, and she can protect it. No need to get complacent and rely on a kid, no matter his background. The few raiders still standing looked between Cal and Doma and made the smart decision by turning around and heading back into the dusty hills.

“Get gone!” shouts Doma after them. “And don’t try it again!”

As she tracks the raider’s retreating backs Cal approaches her. He walks stiffly, she notes, and has a bruising ring around one eye. He grins at her as if to share a victory. As if the raiders won’t come back soon, in a week or two when he’s off planet and cannot help.

“Thanks for the assist,” says Cal.

“Usually it’s me or Mosey scarin’ em off like that. You did good,” says Doma.

Cal keeps on grinning at her. He looks half a fool, but she lets it slide. The young often fall prey to foolishness, and he doesn’t seem like one to not know his limits. Unlike a certain green idiot hanging around the outpost.

“Hey, do you have any bacta available in your shop?” asks Cal.

Doma doesn’t. A few of the residents have some stocked away for emergencies, including herself, but nothing for sale. Her eyes wander to where Cal’s hand is pressed against his ribcage, and thinks of the heavy electrostaffs she’s seen some of the raiders using.

“No bacta in the shop, I’m afraid,” she says.

A look of acceptance passes over Cal’s face. He sets his jaw against the pain as he nods and takes a few shuffling steps towards the saloon.

“I said no bacta in the shop, I didn’t say I had no bacta at all.”

Cal turns to her so fast she can’t believe he doesn’t have whiplash from it. There’s a hopeful gleam in his eyes.

“I got some stashed away just in case. I’d be willing to part with a few patches for a handful of priorite,” says Doma.

An amused grin appears on Cal’s face and he digs in his many pouches until he comes up with the required handful. Doma takes it, her large hand dwarfing Cal’s, and leads him over to the shop. He waits patiently as she slips into her living quarters and retrieves the promised bacta patches.

“Thank you,” says Cal gratefully. “Greez can’t complain too much if I already have bacta in hand.”

The last part he adds on quieter, like a thought escaping confinement. His little droid beeps in what sounds like agreement. That’s when Doma learns that she must also keep her shop stocked in bacta and probably other medical supplies. The little Jedi was going to need it if he kept throwing himself at the Bedlam Raiders. Greez would probably buy some too, now that he was shipping out with the kid across the galaxy. Yes, there was likely going to be some profit to be had from keeping bacta in supply.

Doma watches as he leaves, no doubt headed back to his and Greez’ little hideout underneath the saloon. It’s good the kid has someone looking out for him. She turns to survey her store. The shelf over on the left could use some rearranging anyways. Now all she had to do was find a good supply of bacta and she’d be rolling in priorite. She could claim it was to get more priority shards from the kid, or that it would be helping the outpost in the long run, but that wouldn’t be the whole truth. Maybe it was just her going soft as she got older, but she likes him, and if keeping clothes and bacta in stock will help him in the long run, then she is going to do it.

“Is there anything I can help you find?” asks Doma, slow and inviting.

“Sorry kid, not at the moment. At least I ain’t got anything that’ll fit you.”

“That’s okay. Does anyone else around here sell clothes?”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” says the kid.

“If you’re really desperate I’m sure Mosey has something that might fit a scrawny little thing like you,” she adds.

“Get gone!” shouts Doma after them. “And don’t try it again!”

“Thanks for the assist,” says Cal.

“Usually it’s me or Mosey scarin’ em off like that. You did good,” says Doma.

“Hey, do you have any bacta available in your shop?” asks Cal.

“No bacta in the shop, I’m afraid,” she says.

A look of acceptance passes over Cal’s face. He sets his jaw against the pain as he nods and takes a few shuffling steps towards the saloon.

“I said no bacta in the shop, I didn’t say I had no bacta at all.”

Cal turns to her so fast she can’t believe he doesn’t have whiplash from it. There’s a hopeful gleam in his eyes.

“I got some stashed away just in case. I’d be willing to part with a few patches for a handful of priorite,” says Doma.

“Thank you,” says Cal gratefully. “Greez can’t complain too much if I already have bacta in hand.”

#jedi survivor #jedi survivor fic #jedi survivor fanfic #cal kestis #doma dendra #I hope this works I’m using mobile since I’m not even in the same country as my laptop rn lol #I just happened to write so much on the plane and hit post on ao3 #fan fiction #Star Wars

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roo-bastmoon · 2 years

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First I wanted to say thank you for entertaining and being willing to speak about your thoughts on Jikook and BTS dynamics.

Regarding Taehyung's recently, irrespective of all other comments and actions, the favorite thing being JK crying just seemed so out of place and immature (?). The other comments/actions have made me raise an eyebrow, but that one turned me off. Maybe it was the setting/event? The appearance of, "I don't give a shit about what we're doing right now."

But overall, it does seem like Taehyung is really flexing his freedom and individuality.

And sorry. I'm not trying to bring any negativity to your page.

Hello there, Nonie. As long as folks don't hate on any member, I don't think it's negative to question or even raise issues with a member's behavior. So I'm not offended in the least. This is a safe space to just speak sincerely about ideas, big or small. <3

During the Vegas music video shoot, when asked about his favorite moment over the years, Tae said it was when he would ask JK "Are you crying?" and he would see that JK was. I had to wonder if a bit of context was missing from this. Perhaps what he meant was his favorite thing was watching JK grow from a standoffish sort of bratty kid into a man who would openly empathize with his members. Because otherwise it was just the most random non-sequitur ever.

But then a lot of what Tae does seems random to me. Lately it does seem like Tae is turning every opportunity into a "moment" with JK. Part of me has to wonder how much of that is him just celebrating his rekindled closeness with his friend and how much of that is to delight the audience. I think it's always a little of both, with idols. I don't think BTS are super fake but I also don't think they are naïve little lambs who have no idea how what they say or do will be received. If Jimin and JK are a thing, then how Tae has been acting lately is certainly not how *I* would behave, if I were Jimin's best friend and soul mate. Nor would I hold back as much as JK does. But I also need to stop projecting the way I would process and express things onto these guys. We are different ages, genders, nationalities, and professions, so, I can't really judge.

Like JK, Tae is another one where it's hard for me to sus out who exactly he truly is sometimes. There's the Tae that loves Jimin the most, gives Jimin meaningful gifts, and at one point seemed to really crush a bit on Jimin. There's the Tae who gently loves on Jin, aggressively loves on Yoongi, pals around with Hobi and Joon... there's the Tae that just melts for animals and children and the elderly... there's the Tae that longs for family above all else... there's the Tae who went to support a friend at an audition and ended up taking his place when he got the opportunity... there's the Tae who tells fans to get out of their imagination, but also kisses the back of JK's neck on stage. There's the Tae who invites the entire Wooga squad for a sleepover and only has one bed and sees zero issue with this. There's the Tae who vapes... the Tae who golfs even though he didn't like golfing before but grew to like it because others told him he was good at it. There's the Tae who walks right up to Lady Gaga or Jon Batiste to network. There's the Tae who seems to light up when Jimin touches him and the Tae who seems to just accept it with a neutral expression. I suspect there's a lot going on underneath that pretty face. So I'll be very interested to see what sides of Kim Taehyung come out in this solo era. I believe he is a good person with great taste in music, fashion, and art. I HOPE he's a loyal true friend even when the cameras are off, b/c I love his interactions when they are supportive. I'm sure Tae will be successful no matter what he tries.

But yeah, saying his happiest moment in all 10 years of BTS was seeing JK cry sort of fell flat to me. But I'm new. I'm probably missing some nuances...?

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cqlfeels · 3 years

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@lansplaining encouraged me to finish this random meta nobody asked for, so let's talk about Meng Yao, Meng Shi, and 孟母三遷 (mèng mǔ sān qiān), a proverb about good parenting.

A warning: this is super long (even for me!) and is less quality meta and more my ADHD brain jumping around a maze of loosely related ideas. Proceed with caution!

Let me start by briefly going through why I decided to write this, because it’s important. In haunting Meng Shi’s tag in my starvation for Meng Shi content, I’ve multiple times come across the idea that Meng Shi pushed Meng Yao too hard, that she should’ve been more careful with teaching him to seek his father’s approval at any cost, and that she was too naïve. I’ve never reblogged this kind of post because 1) I personally think it’s rude to go out of your way to ramble about how much you disagree with someone on their own post and 2) if this was an isolated incident I wouldn't care either way, so I didn’t want to direct this rant at anyone in particular. It’s more to do with a tendency, primarily (as far as I can tell) from fans who haven’t had much contact with Chinese culture, to oversimplify Meng Shi and make her relationship with Meng Yao slightly disturbing, and I think part of it is due to CQL basically cutting out her entire storyline (so fans simply don’t have info about her to assess her fairly) and part is due to misunderstanding what a good parent is supposed to act like in the context of Ancient China.

[Of course, Ancient China is not a very useful historical concept, not any more than “ye olde Europe” - things change a lot based on time and place - but you know. It’s fantasy. Extremely broad trends are okay in this case.]

Anyway, the idea behind the posts I mentioned is, basically, that Meng Shi (usually through no fault of her own) is to blame for Meng Yao’s obsession with power, since his desire for approval was inherited from lessons she taught him. Just to start with, I’d argue that Meng Yao isn’t power-hungry as much as he craves security and respect, but that’s a different meta. Let’s assume that she really did teach him to be Like That. Was she wrong to do so? I’m not looking for “does that make for a happy, well-adjusted childhood?” or “would you raise your own son as Meng Shi did?” - I’m trying to figure out, would she have been considered a bad mother in the context of the society she lived in? I don’t think she would’ve.

It is surprisingly hard to find texts about the obligations of parents in Ancient China. Their main obligation is to raise filial children, but I feel like that’s not very useful: whether or not parents are good parents, children are expected to be filial, so a child being filial really says more about the child than about the parent. Maybe the parent completely missed the mark and society at large was what taught the child to be filial!

We can assume, of course, that parents were to raise good people, and that by learning what a good person looked like, we could figure out whether the parent was successful, but once again, I feel like that’s pinning things on the outcome, not on the process - the best of parents can end up with an awful kid and vice versa.

While thinking about all this, it took me a frankly embarrassing amount of time to remember the story of Mother Meng and Meng Zi, but once I did, it wouldn’t leave my mind - in part because the Meng here is the exact same Meng of Meng Shi and Meng Yao (yay! fun if useless parallel!), and in part because this is a story about how a woman can successfully raise a son by herself.

Okay, so important note: one of the most influential ancient Chinese thinkers is Meng Zi (孟子 Mèng Zǐ), who is known in the West as Mencius. If you've never heard of him - he's perhaps second in importance only to Confucius. When Mencius was still a young child, his father died, so he was raised by his mother, who is usually known only as Mother Meng (in Chinese, 孟母 Mèng Mǔ.)

Mother Meng's story is told in Biographies of Exemplary Women (列女傳 Liènǚ Zhuàn), which for around 2000 years beginning around the 18th century BCE, was the most commonly used book used to educate women. The book is divided into sections, each one showing a different way women could be honorable and good. Mother Meng's story is told in the Maternal Models section (母儀傳 Mǔ Yí Zhuàn.) The story has a few parts, some of which I'll quote, always from Kinney's 2014 translation.

Before I go on to quote it, though, I'd like to establish that Mother Meng's story is so, so famous that even if Meng Shi had never read this particular book, I'm almost certain she would've been familiar with at least the outlines of Mother Meng's story. I'm not cherry picking a suitable chapter from the book, I'm literally going with the most famous story in it because Meng Shi would be most likely to know this one if she knew no other story.

Okay, the first part of the tale takes place when Mencius is a young boy and Mother Meng is a widow raising him.

The mother of Meng Ke of Zou [a different name for Mencius] was called Mother Meng. She lived near a graveyard. During Mencius’ youth, he enjoyed playing among the tombs, romping about pretending to prepare the ground for burials. Mother Meng said, “This is not the place to raise my son.” She therefore moved away and settled beside the marketplace. But there he liked to play at displaying and selling wares like a merchant. Again Mother Meng said, “This is not the place to raise my son,” and once more left and settled beside a school. There, however, he played at setting out sacrificial vessels, bowing, yielding, entering, and withdrawing. His mother said, “This, indeed, is where I can raise my son!” and settled there. When Mencius grew up, he studied the Six Arts, and finally became known as a great classicist. A man of discernment would say, “Mother Meng was good at gradual transformation.”

According to the translator's footnote, "gradual transformation" is "a childrearing technique, whereby a child is morally formed through daily exposure to correct models of behavior."

From this story comes the proverb 孟母三遷 (Mèng Mǔ sān qiān) - "Mother Meng moved three times." It's come to mean that a parent - especially the mother of a male child - should spare no efforts to provide an environment that will give their child a good education, paying particular attention to what models are surrounding them.

I'm sure I don't need to say if Meng Shi was at all familiar with this proverb (and she would probably be), she must have been very stressed out over literally raising her son in a brothel. (Here I must mention sex workers in ancient China were often essentially owned by the brothels, so literally "moving three times" wasn't really an option for Meng Shi even if she could miraculously pick up another trade.) Meng Shi did however at least try to surround Meng Yao with the accomplishments appropriate for the son of a cultivator:

Xiao-Meng, are you still learning those things lately? [...] The things your mom wants you to learn, things like calligraphy, etiquette, swordsmanship, meditation… How are those things going? [...] His mom’s raising him as a young master of a wealthy family. She taught him how to read and write, bought him all those swordsmanship pamphlets, and even wants to send him to school.

Meng Yao actually talks a little bit about “those swordsmanship pamphlets” in the only time in canon he directly shares memories about this mother:

Lan XiChen, “Your [guqin] skills are also considered quite fine outside of Gusu. Were they taught by your mother?”

Jin GuangYao, “No. I taught myself by watching others. She never taught me such things. She only taught me reading and writing, and bought a handful of expensive sword and cultivation guides for me to practice.”

Lan XiChen seemed surprised, “Sword and cultivation guides?”

Jin GuangYao, “Brother, you haven’t seen them before, have you? Those small booklets sold by the common folk. First jumbled sketches of human figures, then deliberately mystified captions.”

Lan XiChen shook his head, smiling. Jin GuangYao shook his head as well, “All of them are scams, especially to fool women like my mother and ignorant children. You won’t lose anything by practicing them, but you definitely won’t gain anything either.”

He sighed in a rueful way, “But how could my mother have known this? She bought them no matter how expensive they were, saying that if I returned to see my father in the future, I had to see him with as much competence as possible so that I don’t fall behind. All of the money was spent on this.”

See what’s happening? Meng Shi cannot physically take Meng Yao to cultivators, but she spares no efforts in giving him the closest thing she possibly can -- figuratively, we might say she moved three times.

Of course, these booklets don’t work, but as Meng Yao says, how could she have known this? The cultivation world is very closed off - think of how the entire Mo household gathers to see Lan juniors, and how Wei Wuxian mentions once that “Cultivation families, in the eyes of common folk, are like people favored by God, mysterious yet noble.” Not just noble, but mysterious. That tracks, too - I mean, they live in inaccessible households and mostly leave to night hunt or visit each other, neither of which is an activity that would allow commoners to get much more than an occasional glimpse of them.

Now, if Meng Shi doesn’t even know that a pearl for Jin Guangshan was just a trinket, if she doesn’t know even the wealth of a major sect, how can she read booklets and decide whether that’s genuine cultivation or not? All that she sees is a chance for Meng Yao to be surrounded by the ideas and skills of the people she wants him to emulate - cultivators - and therefore she does everything she can to get him that chance. Mother Meng moved three times.

Okay, but maybe the argument is not “Meng Shi shouldn’t have pushed Meng Yao to cultivation” but rather “she should’ve pushed him, just not too hard." To that, I present another tale from Mencius' childhood:

Once, when Mencius was young, he returned home after finishing his lessons and found his mother spinning. She asked him, “How far did you get in your studies today?” Mencius replied, “I’m in about the same place as I was before.” Mother Meng thereupon took up a knife and cut her weaving. Mencius was alarmed and asked her to explain. Mother Meng said, “Your abandoning your study is like my cutting this weaving. A man of discernment studies in order to establish a name and inquires to become broadly knowledgeable. By this means, when he is at rest, he can maintain tranquility and when he is active, he can keep trouble at a distance. If now you abandon your studies, you will not escape a life of menial servitude and will lack the means to keep yourself from misfortune. How is this different from weaving and spinning to eat? If one abandons these tasks midway, how can one clothe one’s husband and child and avoid being perpetually short of food? If a woman abandons that with which she nourishes others and a man is careless about cultivating his virtue, if they don’t become brigands or thieves, then they will end up as slaves or servants.” Mencius was afraid. Morning and evening he studied hard without ceasing. He served Zisi [a great scholar whose grandfather was Confucius] as his teacher and then became one of the most renowned classicists in the world.

Notice that Mother Meng moved three times to ensure Mencius would have the highest of aspirations - to become a scholar. But just aspiration isn’t enough. Not by any means. Now that Mencius is actually studying, Mother Meng is willing to take an extreme action to ensure he's taking it seriously. Mencius doesn't have a father to smooth his path to success. He has to learn that aspiring to greatness isn't enough. He'll have to put in the effort as if his life depended on it. And if he doesn't persist in his hard work, everything he's done thus far will be useless. Sounds like a lesson imparted on young Meng Yao, doesn’t it?

A lot of fandom rage towards Meng Shi would apply to China's Best Mom Contender, Mother Meng. She gives her son big dreams, and teaches him how to go about achieving them in a society where failing is easier than succeeding. Yes, it's fair to say that Meng Shi taught Meng Yao to refuse to settle for anything less than being “Jin Guangshan's son, a respected cultivator.” Yes, it's also fair to say that she probably didn't allow him much time to play like children his age did. But unfortunately, in the world of MDZS, poor children probably wouldn't get to play anyhow, the difference is that they'd usually be working, not studying. Studying is a privilege! It’s a privilege Meng Yao could not afford but was given to him anyway, through his mother’s many sacrifices. We can even say that while she was alive, Meng Shi was trying to ensure Meng Yao would one day have a better life, at the expense of a fun childhood - and that's very Mother Meng of her, whatever our modern Western sensibilities might have to say about that.

Finally, I’d skip other tales (which show Mother Meng and an adult Mencius) and go straight to the poem that ends the Mother Meng section:

The mother of Mencius

Was able to teach, transform, judge, and discriminate.

With skill she selected a place to raise her son,

Prompting him to accord with the great principles.

When her son’s studies did not advance,

She cut her weaving to illustrate her point.

Her son then perfected his virtue;

His achievements rank as the crowning glory of his generation.

I’d like to focus on the last verse - “His achievements rank as the crowning glory of his generation.” All that Mother Meng wanted was for Mencius to not completely ruin his life, but he became great. You can so very easily see a parallel with how Meng Shi hoped Meng Yao would be a cultivator but he became Jin Guangyao, Chief Cultivator, styled Lianfang-zun, one of the Three Venerable, hero of the Sunshot Campaign.

Of course you can say “Jin Guangyao did many Very Wrong Things to get there, though!” Which, sure, okay, fair point. How many and how wrong depends on which canon we're discussing, and your own interpretation, but there’s no version of the story in which Jin Guangyao is 100% an innocent child uwu. But blaming that on Meng Shi is just... straight up weird? I don’t see anyone going “If Jiang Fengmian hadn’t adopted Wei Wuxian, he’d never have dared become Yiling Laozu!” and that’s pretty much the same logic. Would street kid Wei Wuxian have invented a new type of cultivation if he had never been taken in by the Jiang? Probably not, but raising undead armies is very much not something Jiang Fengmian could’ve predicted. In the same way, how could Meng Shi have predicted that teaching her pre-adolescent son “You are the son of a cultivator, act like one and earn your place in society” would’ve ultimately resulted in innocent deaths? How could she predict “You’re not destined to having the same horrible life I did, you can get something better than this” was a bad thing to teach? I quite honestly don’t know.

Finally, I'd like to point towards a much flimsier evidence that Meng Shi did great as a parent. And that is Meng Yao’s love. Nie Huaisang at some point comments Meng Shi is someone who Meng Yao "cherishes more than his life," and I think his assessment is correct.

Even putting aside the fact he built a whole temple to get his mother to reincarnate into a better life, and even putting aside how he refuses to flee the country without her remains, there's still crystal clear evidence that Meng Shi must've done something right. Because a lifetime of people using his mother to bully him doesn't seem to have made Meng Yao resent her. Had their relationship not have been very strong, odds are he'd feel bitter and/or ashamed of her. That doesn't seem to be the case. He's attached to her even decades after her death.

I want to be very careful with equating mutual affection with good parenting, though. When I was a rather rebellious teenager, my mother (in typical Chinese fashion) used to say that parents and children don't have to love each other as long as they're dutiful to each other, by which she meant that a parent-child relationship isn't informed by warm and fuzzy feelings, but by whether you'd be willing to do anything for each other. Specific to my case, she meant "I don't care if it makes you hate me, you will do as you're told because that's what's best for you." (That may also be the reason why people more familiar with Chinese culture see the Jiang family less as outright abusive and more as #complicated, but that's another meta.)

Whether your kid wants to hug you every time they see you is of no consequence to traditional Chinese thought - raising them to be the best they can is all that matters, because at the end of the day, you won't be around forever, but you can definitely set up your kid's life so that it goes smoothly and virtuously. How that's accomplished varies depending on many factors, but to have the goal be "I want my child to love me" rather than "I want to raise my child right" would've been considered selfish as hell.

So even if all that Meng Shi had given Meng Yao had been stern lessons about the need to go get his birthright, she would've still have been considered a good mother!! In fact, she would've been doing everything she was supposed to do, under extremely difficult conditions! (Remember the importance of environment? That Meng Yao grew up to want to be a cultivator despite having probably never even met one speaks wonders about Meng Shi's childrearing powers!!)

But just based off how over the top Meng Yao's filal dutifulness is, I'd go a step further and say that even as she did the impossible, she was also loving enough to inspire genuine affection. This is complicated because children who have present fathers could expect their mothers to be tender with them. The first century BCE text 禮記 Lǐ Jì or The Classic of Rites says that:

Here now is the affection of a father for his sons - he loves the worthy among them, and places on a lower level those who do not show ability; but that of a mother for them is such, that while she loves the worthy, she pities those who do not show ability - the mother deals with them on the ground of affection and not of showing them honour; the father, on the ground of showing them honour and not of affection.

But when the father figure is lacking for any reason, the mother must abandon her tenderness because someone must guide the child, and without a father, the role falls to the mother. A single or widowed mother had to be very careful to not smother their children with affection and raise useless, spoiled kids, or so it was thought. (The presence of Qingheng-jun and Lan Qiren is why Madame Lan can be so affectionate with the Lan boys, by the way - if she was raising them by herself she would've been expected to be much more practical. AUs where she just gets her kids and runs away could do very cool things with this idea. But I digress!)

Where was I? Oh, okay. Because Meng Yao seems to not just respect, but actively miss her, it seems that Meng Shi somehow managed to deal with her son on the ground of both honor and affection, to paraphrase.

So basically, all things considered, it seems not only would Meng Shi have been considered a great mom (if people could look past her being a prostitute, anyway) but she also went above and beyond the bare minimum. She truly spared no efforts on any front to make sure her son had everything your average gongzi would have - someone to teach him and someone to love him, access to education and confidence in his birthright. That she couldn't actually make him a cultivator, that she couldn't actually raise him in a proper home with no one being cruel to herself or him - that's immaterial. Even Mother Meng couldn't control what her neighbors did, only what she taught her son! The key point is Meng Shi tried. She did everything she could to educate her son right. You couldn't ask more of her, and quite honestly, you should probably be asking less.

Of course we can't err on the other extreme and say she was Perfect. Given MXTX only ever writes flawed characters, we can safely assume that if we'd known more about Meng Shi, we would've seen many flaws. Indeed, just the fact she didn't teach Meng Yao the guqin when he apparently wanted to learn it might point to some conflict we don't know enough to speculate about (maybe she focused too much on cultivation when Meng Yao's interests lay elsewhere? Maybe she wasn't able to sufficiently shelter him and he felt it'd be a burden to ask her to teach him anything? Maybe maybe maybe, go wild with your fics.) Nevertheless, I would never hold a female character to a higher ideal than a male character - if the male cast of MDZS can be a hot mess and still be admirable for what they're trying to do, then so can Meng Shi.

At the end of the day, when I look at Meng Shi - and I've made myself a document with all the references to her in the novel canon so I could easily contemplate her life and character - all I see is a woman every bit as determined and resourceful as her son, willing to do everything it took to raise her little boy into the sophisticated and ambitious man he became.

Finally, here's a fun little parallel that I'm 100% sure was unintentional but I still love. I said Meng Shi couldn't have moved three times. She couldn't, but I think maybe she taught her son he was worth moving three times for. Qinghe Nie. Qishan Wen. Lanling Jin. Isn't that super fun to think about?

Alternatively, tl;dr: Oh My God I Can't Believe We're Blaming Women For The Actions Of Their Adult Children In The Year Of Our Lord 2k21, Meng Shi Was Doing Her Best, Chill!

#drinking game #take a shot every time i say 'finally'#this post refused to let me get to the end of it lol #i think because i'm extremely salty about fanon stage mom meng shi #(to not say tiger mom meng shi which crosses into outright racism. but i'm giving people the benefit of the doubt)

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actress4him · 3 years

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Overexposure - Tears

(Prompt #30 for Summer of Whump)

Taglist: @inky-whump , @michelleswhumpyreblogs

Previous | Next | Masterlist

Warnings: lady whumpee (male whumper), captivity, creepy/intimate whumper, broken ribs, referenced stress positions, referenced sensory deprivation, referenced kidnapping, restraints, gag, locked in a closet

Another gallery exhibition.

Another evening gown, another diamond necklace.

Another night of smiles and laughter and glasses of champagne and a possessive grip on her waist while her legs threaten to buckle beneath her.

She almost thought that the people attending this party, these that wanted ‘raw and primitive’ photos, would look a bit more primitive themselves. But no, they’re indistinguishable from the last group, all sharp tuxedos and beautiful gowns and elegant socializing. The thought that there are so many people out there who like this kind of thing, who will pay so much money just to see these messed-up photos of her, makes her dizzy.

Though perhaps that’s just the lack of good food and sleep. Her mind isn’t processing well enough to tell the difference.

It never helps that she’s finally faced with the product of her torment, all over the walls and impossible for her to ignore.

A close-up of her face, bruises painting her cheeks, pupils blown wide and metal glinting across her throat.

An artistically angled shot taken from the floor up at her bent, straining body, shoulders contorted backwards and on the verge of dislocation.

Her figure huddled in a tiny ball in the shadows, face half-covered by a black blindfold and red headphones...so, he was taking pictures while she waited in that corner.

Every direction she turns brings back another, unwanted memory. Ellery wants to scream, to cover her ears and shut her eyes and make it all disappear. She’d even be happy going back to her tiny basement cell if it meant not having to see or hear any more of this party.

Throughout the evening she hears so many people complimenting Lucas on how ‘realistic’ the photos are, quizzing him on how on earth he manages to create such effects. Others seem less naïve, approaching him with knowing smirks and gleams in their eye, casting obvious glances up and down her body as if they still haven’t been satiated.

At the first exhibition she had been blown away by how so many people could be so blind. Now she’s beginning to wonder how many of them actually are.

All of it - the stress, the pain, the sorrow, the hunger and exhaustion - just keeps building, an unending pressure behind her eyes and underneath her ribs. She’s on the verge of either bursting into tears or exploding into tiny pieces when another man approaches them.

His hands are empty of champagne, unlike most, and instead of immediately turning on all the charm for Lucas, his brown eyes lock onto her with the smallest of smiles.

“You’re quite the beautiful model. May I know the name of the lady who made these intriguing portraits?”

“This is Sarah,” Lucas answers for her. It’s the name he’s given anyone who’s asked, though there haven’t been many. “And you are?”

“Henry Longmire.” As pretentious a name as any she’s heard tonight. The man seems to have to drag his gaze away from her in order to focus on Lucas. “It’s an honor to be able to meet both of you in person. I have to admit, I knew of your work for a long time, but it was only when Miss Sarah here became your muse that it truly caught my attention.” His eyes go straight back to her, his smile growing into something that she could almost label kind if she didn’t know better.

“Yes, she’s been rather popular. Glad to know you found something that strikes your fancy.”

“If I may...I’ve read some quotes from him online about his process, but I’m curious about yours. Your expressions in the photos seem so...genuine. How do you go about getting into the headspace for this kind of thing?”

For a long moment Ellery just stares at him, uncomprehending of the fact that he’s actually asking her a direct question. No one ever speaks to her at these events, they only speak of her and at her. It’s only when Lucas’ hand moves from her back to her arm, squeezing threateningly in the very spot where he knows her one long sleeve is covering up the still-healing knife wound, that she realizes she has to answer. She has to lie. She’s not sure if she can even speak without her voice trembling, much less come up with a convincing response.

Her lips part, brain reeling, and she lets the words slip out, hoping against hope that whatever she’s about to say won’t get her a beating later.

“It just...comes naturally.”

Lucas’ grip eases, and she wants to crumple with relief. But Henry Longmire isn’t done yet.

“How did you decide to get into this particular kind of modeling?”

Her mind goes completely blank. The last response wasn’t even particularly a lie, but this...how is she supposed to come up with a story for this on the spot? Lying was never her strong suit to start with, and now she’s working on night after night of sleep interrupted by pain and not having eaten since yesterday morning because Lucas, as usual, was ‘in the zone’ and forgot to feed her.

“I...i-it…”

“It wasn’t her idea.” The tight grip on her arm has returned, sending throbs of pain up to her shoulder. “She had never even modeled before, actually, if you can believe that!” Lucas laughs aloud at his own joke. “I first saw Sarah at the restaurant where she was working as a waitress, and I thought to myself, ‘This is the girl I need for this idea of mine.’ Because I had had this image in my mind for ages, and I was just waiting for the perfect model to come along. So I approached her, and asked her about it, and she was interested, and, well…” He waves a hand around the room. “As you can see, she’s a natural.”

The restaurant. Of course, how had she not realized before? All this time, she had wondered why me? Why and how did he pick me, of all people? And perhaps she still didn’t know why, but at least she now knew how. Suddenly she could picture him, sitting at a booth a few tables down from hers, nursing a coffee and just...staring. She’d laughed with the other girls that night about what a creep he was, but had then promptly forgotten he existed. Creeps happened all the time. He wasn’t anything special, or so she had thought.

The story he had told just now seemed to be essentially the truth, only there had been no ‘approaching’ or ‘interest’. Only hands grabbing her in the darkness of a parking lot, then nothingness, and waking up in a cell.

“Hm.” Henry nods, but he almost seems...skeptical? Except a second later he’s flashing a smile and all traces of whatever she saw are gone. “That’s quite interesting. So Miss Sarah, what’s it like for you? Do you ever, I don’t know, get scared of him, when he’s getting you ready for these photos?”

Why is he asking her this? Is he...does he...care? Does he know something is up? She wouldn’t dare to hope, not after last time, except there’s just something off about him, something different than all the other people they’ve spoken to. Lucas, unfortunately, seems to sense it, too. Not only has he gone back to squeezing her arm, but he’s stiff beside her, not at all liking the direction of these questions.

Questions. Oh, no, she has to answer another one. Another lie. Does she get scared of him? Well, no. Not really. She doesn’t get scared of him, she lives in a constant state of fear of what he’ll do to her next.

“No.” It’s all she can manage, not even a fake smile to go with it. But in the mindset of it not actually being a lie, her voice is steady.

“Of course not,” Lucas adds on, and his voice is as stiff as his body. “She knows I’d never actually hurt her. Now, if you’ll excuse us, I believe there is another guest waiting.”

“Of course.” Henry Longmire gives a respectful nod and backs away, but she’s fairly certain she’s not imagining the way that his gaze lingers on her, brow furrowed in...thought? concern? She tries to push it from her mind, tries not to let hope build.

The exhibition drags on, and she loses track of the man in the never-ending stream of clinking glasses and twittering laughter. She’s so, so tired. Tired of pretending, tired of being stared at, tired of, in turn, staring at herself being tortured. But most of all just tired.

When Lucas drags her across the room toward yet another group that he wants to speak to, her legs finally decide they’ve had enough of supporting her weight. She stumbles, only saved from hitting the floor by his other hand coming up and catching her around the middle, uncaring of the ribs that still haven’t healed and probably won’t as long as they keep getting abused like this.

Several of the people in the vicinity gasp, as if they’re actually concerned, as if they actually care if she gets hurt.

And it’s finally too much. Ellery can’t stop the sob anymore than she can keep from dropping all of her weight into Lucas’ arms, forcing him to lower her to the floor. Tears flood her cheeks, desperate to escape after an entire evening of being held back, and a small part of her has the presence to hope that they’ll wash away the makeup hiding her bruises. Maybe then, maybe finally someone will actually, really see her.

A small crowd has gathered, hovering over her, and the claustrophobia of it only serves to intensify her sobs. She just wants this to be over, wants to go home, but she knows, beyond the hitching breaths that bend her in half and send stabs of pain through her chest, that she’s only made things worse for herself. She can’t look at Lucas right now. She knows he has to be incredibly angry.

“It’s alright, folks, just give her some space. It seems our lovely model here has twisted her ankle.” Because of course he would have a lie ready for this. “You know how women are with their shoes. Can’t pick something practical.” As he laughs he slips off her shoe, the gold stiletto that he had made her put on.

A few guests titter with laughter, some offer coos of sympathy. Lucas stands and shoos them away. “Everyone please, continue enjoying yourselves. I’m going to take Sarah to get some ice for her ankle and a bit of rest, and I’ll return shortly.”

She wishes he would get her some ice, it sounds heavenly for her ribs about now. Somehow she doubts whatever he’s taking her to will be nearly as pleasant.

Scooping her up in his arms like he’s her Prince Charming, Lucas parades her across the room to much admiration. Somewhere just before they reach the door that leads further into the building, Ellery spots Henry Longmire again, and their eyes meet. Once again, she’s struck with the thought that maybe, just maybe, he sees her. He sees, if not what’s going on, at least that something isn’t right.

She can’t speak to him. She can’t even give him some kind of signal, not without Lucas seeing. But she tries her best to send a message with her eyes - help me, please - before they disappear into the back hallway.

“I don’t know what came over you, but that was unacceptable,” Lucas hisses as soon as they’re alone. He drops her feet unceremoniously, and she struggles to regain her footing while still being carted down the hall by her arm.

This place is unfamiliar to her other than the actual gallery hall, so when they stop in front of an innocuous door she has no idea what’s inside. Lucas pulls a ring of keys out of his pocket, unlocking the door and revealing what seems to be a janitorial closet. Obviously he had stored some things here ahead of time, because the handcuffs that he reaches for don’t seem like they belong.

“You will stay right here,” he orders, wrenching her arms behind her back to cuff her, “and ‘ice your ankle’ until I come back for you.” He pulls something else off the same shelf, but she doesn’t get a glimpse of what it is before it’s pressing up against her lips. The angry look on his face warns her not to resist, to simply open her mouth and allow the knotted fabric to be slipped inside. He steps behind her, pulling the gag tight so that it cuts into her cheeks and yanking strands of her hair as he ties it.

Tears continue to slide down her cheeks, but they fall silently now.

“And if you kick, or scream, or generally make noise and try to get someone’s attention, your punishment tonight will be twice as bad.”

Shoving her forward, he slams the door shut and locks it again, leaving her to wait in the pitch darkness.

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bagadew · 3 years

Text

The Great Ace Attorney Playthrough: The Adventure of the Great Departure (Part 1)

So it’s finally here, The Great Ace Attorney! I know practically nothing about this game, except that it’s a) set in Victorian London, b) has the themes of racism and xenophobia you’d expect from a game where you play a Japanese immigrant in Victorian London, and c) features Herlock Sholmes the himbo detective! (Also I think there might be a cereal killer plot, but I’m not too sure.)

Right away I’m being given a lot of very useful information regarding the historical setting for this game. Unfortunately I’m unable to fully process it because two seconds in and I’ve already been accused of murder!

Oh Ace Attorney how I’ve missed you.

Hello Kazuma! I like the way your headband billows even though there’s no wind, and I hope you have a much longer and fuller life than my last Ace Attorney mentor.

Ok so it seems like we’re both students at the same university, but Kazuma is the protégé golden boy, who’s about to be sent abroad because he’s just That Good. Fortunately I (Ryunosuke) am his beloved best friend, and will therefore be allowed to tag along (which is a really damn good job because I’m the one front and centre of the box).

Say what you will about incredible aura, but I’m pretty sure Kazuma’s just set up some sort of fan mechanism under there.

Hello Pink Lady from the box!

As a seasoned Ace Attorney player I am immediately suspicious of anyone from the first case who isn’t a main character. I’m watching you professor!

Ok so from what I can gather from our exchange the Professor Mikotoba is the forensics pathology professor at the university (I wonder if his daughter, or whoever the pink lady is, will be our Ema Skye), and if Kazuma the golden boy takes our case an loses he won’t get to go fulfill his dream of studying abroad.

Frankly, from all their idealistic chatter about jolly old Britain, I feel like these boys might be in for a bit of a rude awakening once they actually make it to London. And I’m not sure Ryunosuke, with all his beautiful naïve innocence, is going to do too well.

And speaking of beautiful naïve innocence...

No Ryunosuke! Don’t agree to things like that!

I’m beginning to suspect Ryunosuke’s just being used as bait for Kazuma. Like someone out there really doesn’t want Kazuma to go abroad for some reason, and so they’re using his less good best friend to trap him in the country.

Oh Ryunosuke...

In all my years playing Ace Attorney I have never been more torn by a suggestion box. On one hand, the first time I play an Ace Attorney game, I try and play it in the way it should be played. And so, even though this is an UNBELIEVABLY STUPID DECISION, I feel like Ryunosuke, a man who doesn’t seem to have the words ‘Set Up’ in his dictionary, would not even hesitate to bellow I do because Professor Mikiller told him to.

On the other hand this is an UNBELIEVABLY STUPID DECISION and Kazuma should clearly be in charge.

Ok, I’ve decided I’m going to press it (partly because I think the game might punish me if I don’t) but I will have my head in my hands as I do so.

See Kazuma agrees with me.

Oh fuck, the victims John Watson Wilson!!!

Ok, so I’m re-evaluating my assumption that I (Ryunosuke) was simply bait for Kazuma, it looks like I was instead the poor expendable mug who can be pinned with causing an international incident. Is it bad that I feel like I’ve been promoted?

My god, everyone must have had a heart attack when Kazuma the Golden Boy stepped up to defend me. No wonder they didn’t want him involved!

Ok let’s bring out Professor Mikotoba the witness, so he can explain how he’s played us like a damn fiddle-

WHO THE HELL IS THAT!?!

I would like to take this opportunity to apologies to Professor Mikotoba, who is I can only assume a beloved recurring character. I’m very sorry sir but I did not see you on the box. Yes I understand that, as someone who’s favorite character is Gumshoe, this was no excuse. Please forgive me.

Side note though: Satoru’s whole *hacks up blood* ‘It’s nothing, this just happens sometimes, please ignore it and continue’ thing is the most relatable thing I’ve seen so far. As someone with a chest condition whose lungs sometimes just bleed, this is literally the response you develop. I know this guys probably a murderer and that’s probably Crime Related Blood, but for now the two of us understand each other.

Ok, so from that cross examination we’ve got one mysterious lady the waiter says he never saw, one unwillingly received Buisness card from Satoru Hosonaga, and one coughing fit my lungs started after watching Satoru wheezing away.

WHAT IS THIS!!??!!

MORE WITNESSES!!??!!

ON A FIRST CASE??!!!

DO THE SACRED LAWS OF FIRST ACE ATTORNEY CASES MEAN NOTHING TO THIS GAME!?!??

This is a neat mechanic though, and one I’ve been hoping would make it to a cannon Ace Attorney game since the Professor Layton crossover. It seems like we’re just sticking to standard testimony listening for now, rather than checking between reactions, but I’m very happy to see it’s return.

GET HIS ASS KAZUMA!!!

(Kazuma’s quickly becoming my favourite, it’s a lot of fun to have the Edgeworth over your side of the courtroom for once)

Ok, so Kazuma (who’s name my iPad now autocorrects into all caps) has shown me how to examine evidence, meaning that if I had, shall we say, a receipt with the word Maya written on it, I could turn it over to see what was written on the other side.

So, while I now know that Dr Watson Wilson wasn’t able to have tucked into that big juicy steak behind him, I just want to check that business card Satoru was so unhappy to give away...

Interesting...

I don’t know what this means, but it sure is interesting...

Now back to slamming an old man with a stolen coin (that was probably taken by the penniless guy next to him)

I’m not sure how he’s managed it, but Auchi has somehow become the most slapable of the Pains.

GET THEIR ASS RYUNOSUKE!!!

(I like how his desk slam’s changed as he gets more confident)

DAMN STRAIGHT WE’D TAKE ON THE GOVERNMENT!!!

So there’s been a coverup! Well that explains the detective posing as a waiter, but it still leaves a huge question mark over the identity of the woman in question. Other than possibly Satoru, who I can’t see as having any reason to dress up, I don’t feel like any of the current witnesses could fit the bill. Whoever she is, though, it must be someone who’s involvement could cause more problems if she was found out, which would mean that she’s either someone with a lot of political influence in Japan, or she’s someone who followed the good Dr from England (and might well have a lot of influence there).

Either way I’m beginning to suspect that, in great break from Ace Attorney tradition, NONE OF THE WITNESSES COMMITTED THE CRIME!!! (Or at least not this one.)

Don’t worry Kazuma, I turned the receipt business card over this time!

Screenshots don’t do this justice.

I don’t know what makes this better, Ryunosuke’s cheerful mile wide supposition, or the speed at which Satoru cut him off.

...are they Satoru? Are they really?

At this point I would apologies to Satoru Hosonaga, however I feel like he might have been using me as the scape goat for this murder, so I’m going to say that I’m not sorry. (We still have a weird blood related understanding though, and for that reason I am not as hostile as I might have been)

Yeah, that’s fair Ryunosuke.

WAIT WHAT!?!

Oh, it’s just a flash back gunshot. I thought someone had just whipped out a gun and shot the detective before he could say another word!

Oh dear, this goes all the way to the top doesn’t it?

Poor Ryunosuke though, he’s not even made it to the stinky rainy streets of London and already his illusions about justice are being shattered. Given that this is effectively the prologue case, I dread to see what comes next.

HELL YEAH JUGE, WERE GETTING THE KILLER LADS!!!

SATURO HOSONAGA YOU’RE BACK ON THE CHRISTMAS CARD LIST (but on thin ice)

‘So it won’t be a problem?’ Ryunosuke, weren’t you listening, it’s going to be a massive problem! Fortunately everyone else in this courtroom has just decided that you know what fuck the government actually, and so we’re doing it anyway!

Hosonaga’s trying really hard to win me back over folks, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t working.

I like this hardass judge! I’ll send him a Christmas card too.

MADE IT TO THE FIRST HALF!

#tgaa #the great ace attorney #the adventure of the great departure #tgaa spoilers #ryunosuke naruhodo #kazuma asougi #john wilson #satoru hosonaga #japan judge #yuujin mikotoba #again I'm very sorry for wildly accusing you professor

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shadowofthelamp · 3 years

Text

Okay, I’m still on this. Building on this post, having Scourge genuinely want Sonic to join him is just a really, really interesting narrative choice, and I want to figure out where it came from. There’s a TL;DR at the end since it got a bit long.

Is it on some level that he thinks heroism is naïve and he just thinks Sonic can do better? Yeah, I think that’s part of it. It comes up both when he’s trying to convince Sonic in 191 and after he thinks he’s won in 196 when he goes Super. Between “What does heroism get you?” in the page below and “See what that (holier-than-thou attitude) got you?!” in the linked page this very much informs his worldview. Heroism leading to bad outcomes both for the people being heros and the world in general (in his eyes) means that heroic actions (and the attitude, thinking heroism is better than selfishness) must be bad as well.

“I got that my way, not yours. Folks smile and wave you you? Everyone bows to me!” He doesn’t want everyone genuinely liking him as a person, not that he’d admit anyway- he wants worship, for people to look up at him instead of across the aisle. He 100% rules the Suppression Squad via fear and is perfectly comfortable with it until it blows up in his face. He’s rather keep himself up and out of reach from connections that could hurt him if he opens himself up to them, because he doesn’t truly respect his crew and mostly uses them to inflate his own ego via that bowing/submisson thing.

Obviously the hesitation in that middle panel there is more for the benefit of the audience suspense for the next comic than anything since Sonic would never go for this and he directly states so in the next issue, (and I don’t think it’s really ‘him not wanting to admit it to himself’). Sonic’s expression in the first panel definitely is a ‘are you serious?’ sort of thing, but Scourge sure seems serious about this, considering he brought it up again after going Super, lamenting that Sonic didn’t take what he sees as the smart option. Plus, he’s pissed right here that Metal interrupted.

He tries to posture himself above Sonic in the page below- the first panel there is referring to the fact that he calls himself a King now. He WANTS to be more than Sonic, so he takes an honestly pretty childish tact to it- he just kicks everybody else down to make himself king of the hill, and then KEEPS kicking them down because he’s never going to get their genuine respect, so he has to keep stomping to keep them below him. .

I think part of the angle here? Scourge, although he’d never consciously admit it, genuinely admires Sonic and wants what he has- respect and affection earned through good character and not fear.

I admittedly don’t know the pre-Ian issues as well, but he repeatedly kept popping up in Prime to pretend he was Sonic. He likes Sonic’s life better- and why wouldn’t he? The Squad has no care for each other. Miles is plotting to usurp him at basically all times, it seems. Patch and Boomer seem to like the new direction/power he brought them as the leader, but they also were willing to turn on him as soon as Miles suggested it. Moebius is generally peaceful, so he never deals with anything interesting, and he’s got an empire of dirt even when he did conquer the planet, from all the infighting after the Great Peace fell apart. Fiona said that he just ‘beat up a few warlords’- he can tell himself he’s king all he wants, but he’s just a kid playing pretend and kicking away anybody who can/would dispel that illusion.

I don’t doubt that just knowing he’s a ‘reverse’ version of someone else grated on him- it’s a heck of an identity crisis, which is probably why he was so eager to accept his recolor and picked a new name almost immediately. He wants to differentiate himself- and forced the Squad to all go along with it. He’s over the top to the Nth degree to prove to HIMSELF that’s he’s the biggest, baddest cat in town. This is something that bugged him a lot.

On top of that, Sonic beat him- he brushed it off, and he could blame Locke for one of them, but generally, toe-to-toe, Sonic’s a better fighter since he just has more practice, and that’s something he does reluctantly admire. He thinks Sonic’s ‘full of untapped potential’- something he can use for himself, sure, but it’s untapped in his opinion specifically, because he thinks on the surface Sonic is just going about things all wrong with the power he has.

Deep-down, he’s unsure of himself. He’s so egotistical and assholish on the surface because it covers that he’s overcompensating for the fact that pretty much every relationship he has is shallow, selfish, and liable to stab him in the back- and he knows it. If he pretends that’s how he wants things, maybe he can make himself (and everyone watching) believe it.

That’s why he cared enough about Sonic joining him. He wants Sonic to validate the choices he made. Sonic’s one of the only people whose opinion he genuinely cares about, even though it’s under a good few layers of jerkishness, because Sonic is a version of him that has a harder life but is much more successful. He can deny it all he wants, but he wants people to respect him, and all he can do is try to get a facsimile of that by busting heads together and ruling by fear, because anything too introspective leads him to things he doesn’t want to confront about himself- that he is weaker both in character and in battle, and a coward and a bully.

When Sonic turns him down he just brushes it off with ‘your loss’ and a big grin, (while holding Fiona tighter, as if to say ‘look what I have and you don’t’), but then he brings it back when he’s got the upper hand- if he was just rubbing in that Sonic could have avoided a beating, I feel like he would have phrased things differently. Resposting this image, ‘What IS IT with you?’ and ‘We could have done this together, but no! You decided to go the holier-than-thou route!’ says to me that he’s A: Genuinely offended, so the idea of them teaming up had come up in his head before now and wasn’t just thrown out on a whim, and B: He thinks that Sonic thinks that he’s better than him. (Which he does, because... well, he is.)

Scourge came back to Mobius to prove himself against Sonic, but even though he absolutely has the upper hand here, he knows something isn’t right- he doesn’t feel as satisfied as he should. He can’t figure out exactly what he wanted, and is taking it out on Sonic. He’s defensive and aggressive at the same time here- why would he care if Sonic thought himself better than him when he’s already declared that he’s the ‘superior’ of the two? Only his own opinion should matter if he just wants worship, shouldn’t it?

But he doesn’t just want blind worship. He thinks that he does, because that means he doesn’t have to get vulnerable, but he wants someone on his level.- he wanted them to rule the multiverse together. Fiona is decent enough- he does genuinely seem to like her and although their relationship was probably destined to fall apart at some point, for now she was a decent towel stuffed into the wound for that particular problem of ‘not having anyone to care about/to care about him’. However, he wants Sonic- his approval or his defeat, specifically. He wants Sonic either as a partner in crime or as a trophy- either way, he ‘wins’ and proves that his way of kicking his way to the top was the valid, right choice. Sonic is the true version of himself and the opponent he cares most about facing, and his approval means Scourge would win for real. Not getting that wedges a crack in his insecurities.

In his life, heroism had only ever led to problems. It led his dad to neglect him in service of trying to chase peace for everyone else, it led the world to crumble to pieces when that peace failed, and he learned violence was the only thing that got him attention, even though it was negative from everyone outside the Squad. So Sonic embodying that heroism ideal, and then beating him? It throws everything he thinks into question, and he wants to prove that he’s right so he doesn’t have to question it.

He’s starving for positive interactions from people he respects since they’re so few and far between. He spent time thinking about a comment Sonic made during a previous fight, and then conquered the planet trying to chase the spirit of it even though he got it twisted to the point of unrecognizability.

Scourge wants to be able to just mill his own confidence- to say he’s a badass and then believe it. And on some level, he can! But that’s flimsy and he requires some manner of outside support he has no real way of getting, and feeling like he’s being looked down on by Sonic hurts him more than he’d admit.

So, TL;DR: Scourge wants Sonic to validate him and his (bad) worldview, and gets pissy when that doesn’t happen, because he unconsciously respects Sonic more than he’d admit and not getting that means he has to think about how he’s actually messed up in the past. He wants equals because shallow worship borne from fear isn’t a replacement for genuine affection, but he hasn’t matured enough to realize that’s what he actually wants/needs.

#scourge the hedgehog #sonic the hedgehog #archie sonic #archie #sonic blogging #king douche #shadow says stuff

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rosethornewrites · 3 years

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Fic: a grain of millet drifting, ch. 1

Relationship: Niè Huáisāng & Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn

Characters: Wei Ying | Wei Wuxian, Original Characters, Nie Huaisang

Additional Tags: Assassination Attempt(s), Introspection, Regret, Travel, Post-Canon, POV Third Person, POV Wei WuXian

Summary: Wei Wuxian wanders after parting from Lan Wangji, looking to understand the changes in the world since his death, seeking to understand his place in it. He doesn't realize he's being watched. Frankencanon, so this has a liberal mixture of CQL and MDZS.

Notes: See end.

AO3 link

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Wei Wuxian hadn’t lied to Lan Zhan after their brief confrontation with Nie Huaisang in Cloud Recesses, not exactly.

Knowing why he’d been brought back, whether somehow his old friend had chosen him specifically for his own reasons, or if that had been entirely Mo Xuanyu’s call, wouldn’t change anything.

And part of him didn’t want confirmation of how much Nie Huaisang had meddled with along the way.

So much had been broken, so many people lost, and a part of him wanted to believe the façade that the indolent Nie Huaisang he had known during their days in the Cloud Recesses still existed.

But once he’d left Lan Zhan and set off on his travels with Little Apple, once he started getting used to being alive again, to having even the tiny wisp of a jindan, barely beyond zhuji, that Mo Xuanyu had gifted him, something he could build on, something other than the gaping hole that had ultimately consumed him, he’d had to face some truths.

He had no family, no home. He didn’t know if Jiang Cheng would ever want anything to do with him, and he wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. As much as he would always love Lotus Pier, he didn’t know that it had ever really been his home.

In some ways, his leaving had been inevitable. Despite being head disciple, he’d never been welcome. And the fall of Lotus Pier would forever be his fault, the ghosts of his own doing. He’d never regret protecting Mianmian and Lan Zhan, but he would always regret the massacre that had followed.

Even if he’d technically been absolved of the death of Jin Zixuan and the bloodbath of Nightless City and shijie’s death, his actions had still led to them.

Wei Wuxian spent long, sleepless nights under the stars and listening to Little Apple snore outrageously coming to the understanding that he’d left the Burial Mounds with his sanity shredded. The war and continued use of resentful energy without a jindan had only worsened it. He’d raised the dead, the ancestors of their enemy, defiling their bodies to win the war, and he’d earned a dark and deviant reputation in doing so.

After the war, he’d taken to drinking to dull it all, and doing so had destabilized his mind further. He was sensitive about his inability to cultivate, but couldn’t explain why. Surrounded by people who wanted him to do what he could not, he had spiraled.

Really, by the time he’d saved the Dafan Wen temporarily from their fate and gone back to attempt to live in the Burial Mounds, he’d been hanging by a thread. Wen Qing had bullied him into taking care of himself, for the most part, but he’d spent more days than he could count in the Demon Slaughtering Cave capable of little more than opening his eyes, what little energy he had dedicated to keeping the Seal under control.

He remembered very little past Jiang Yanli’s death and waking up in the Burial Mounds with the remnants of the Wen who knew death was coming. The seal wanted more, another Nightless City. And he’d known he could absolutely destroy the Jianghu—but that the Seal wanted it gave him enough pause that he knew he needed to destroy it and end it all.

He’d managed to find a way, but the Siege happened just as he was ready. What little sanity he had left went toward an attempt to hide A-Yuan—maybe the one good thing he had managed. And then, as the aunties and uncles and popo were massacred around him, he could only focus on destroying the seal.

Dying in the way that he had, ripped to shreds by corpses, had been agonizing, though the benefit of Jiang Cheng stabbing him had meant he’d died faster. He didn’t know if his shidi had meant it to be a kindness, but ultimately it had lessened his suffering before he died. It was likely a better death than anyone else would have given him.

But Jin Guangyao had been right: even before he’d absconded with the Wen remnants, his actions during the war, his temper and frayed sanity, his rages, his desecration of the dead… All of it had painted a target on him.

No, he’d painted it on himself with blood.

Wei Wuxian had come back in a body not tainted by the resentful energy that had burrowed its way into his bones before his death, despite it being his old one free of scars and birth marks, his sanity somehow restored, and was able to see his own self-destruction and how he had made that the only path he could walk through his own trauma-fueled hubris.

Maybe those years dead had done something to heal whatever damage he had inflicted on his own soul, as well. He remembered nothing of that time, and waking up in a body had been like opening his eyes after a long sleep. He’d known he’d been dead, had known time had passed, though not how much at first. Everything that had occurred leading to his death felt so immediate, particularly shijie’s death and the knowledge he’d left A-Yuan hiding but didn’t know if he’d survived.

The relief he felt that he had at least saved one person couldn’t be quantified.

Part of the journey was trying to find where he fit into the world now, but most of it was reflection and coming to terms with the reality that now existed.

He’d steered away from larger cities, opting to travel smaller roads to villages off the beaten path. Many, it seemed, had problems with restless spirits and the like—the occasional yao, even. He took care of what he could, and drafted letters to Lan Zhan when it was something that required more than he was currently capable of.

Perhaps that was something he’d learned—to rely on others and not try to fix everything himself. He could probably handle it all, but there were costs of using resentful energy too much, and in this life he didn’t particularly want to pay them.

So he communicated with the odd hungry ghost, used talismans to take down roaming fierce corpses, and handled the smaller yao that he could handle with the jindan he had, using these night hunts to help develop it further, hoping one day he could retrieve Suibian from Jiang Cheng and be able to wield the blade again—assuming his once-brother would let him have the sword.

Everything beyond, that would require more spiritual energy than he had or more resentful energy than he was comfortable using, he sent to Lan Zhan so the local cultivation sect could be alerted. He dared not send them a letter himself; people still had strong feelings about the return of the Yiling Patriarch, and it was just as likely he’d be blamed for the problem as anything.

The rural route he took left him able to travel in anonymity as a rogue cultivator, offering essentially any name but his own. Thanks to the ugly Yiling Patriarch talismans, the common folk didn’t know what he looked like. Most often, he went by Wei Yuandao, reminded of Mianmian’s happiness at seeing him when he did, that there were people in the world who didn’t hate or fear him. The villagers didn’t know him, were grateful for his help, whether in setting a spirit to rest or helping with odd jobs in exchange for a meal and a place to sleep by a hearth.

Much of the time, though, he slept beneath a blanket of stars.

One night like that, he heard the sounds of a scuffle and rushed to see what was going on. He expected to need to fight off a bandit, but instead he found a man in Nie colors running through a man dressed head to toe in black, face masked.

As he stood gaping, the Nie disciple bowed to him.

“Wei-gongzi.”

That confirmed a suspicion, and the logic of the situation ran through his mind at the speed of light. The courtesy, the Nie colors, what was clearly a would-be assassin’s body at his feet. Finally, Wei Wuxian sighed.

“How many assassins?”

The young man smiled.

“Five in as many weeks. You are as smart as Nie-zongzhu said.”

Wei Wuxian snorted at that.

“Not if I didn’t realize assassins were being sent after me. I’m guessing Nie-xiong knew they’d be hired and sent you to protect me in secret?”

He’d honestly thought he was being left alone by the cultivation world, especially since he wasn’t causing any trouble. How very naïve.

The man nodded curtly, then bent to rifle through the corpse’s clothing, looking for clues and stripping it of valuables, every bit a Nie.

“He wanted you to be able to travel without worry.”

Ah, Nie-xiong…

Perhaps Nie Huaisang was used to working from the shadows and had an agenda, or perhaps he truly just wanted Wei Wuxian to be undisturbed. Whatever his reasons for the secrecy, with this that ship had sailed.

But Wei Wuxian had no idea why Nie Huaisang would bother, not after he threatened him at the Cloud Recesses. Implied threat, but still—he’d expected that would burn a bridge. Not… this.

“I suppose I’m overdue for a visit to the Unclean Realm,” he said after thinking it over. “You may as well travel with me openly, unless Nie-xiong would prefer you watch over me in secret?”

Despite the protection he’d sent, Wei Wuxian didn’t know if he wanted the Nie clan officially associated with the Yiling Patriarch.

“Sect Leader was not specific about this eventuality. Traveling together openly may deter assassins, though it is easier to catch them off guard if they believe you unprotected.”

Ah, so Nie Huaisang didn’t care. Wei Wuxian waved off the concern. Now that he knew the threat, it was easily dealt with.

“I can set talisman traps around the campsite. Probably should have done that to begin with.”

But he’d been trying to have faith in the cultivation world, he didn’t say. Once again, misplaced faith and he should’ve known better.

“At least that way you can get real sleep as we travel to meet with Nie-zongzhu.”

They were a week of travel from the Unclean Realm, and he supposed he’d get answers to questions he hadn’t known he had then.

He headed back to his campsite, happy to see his Nie protector was following, and set a gourd of water near the fire to heat and pulled out some tea.

“In the meantime, we can talk about these assassins, eh? We’ll bury the body in the morning.”

It’d been over a decade since he’d last dug a grave, and it wasn’t to bury a body, but he was sure he could manage with the Nie’s help.

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Zhuji is the foundation building stage of cultivation, the stage before forming the jindan/golden core. Basically, Wei Wuxian is saying Mo Xuanyu was barely into the stage of forming a golden core, so it’s barely a wisp, but is still something that has the foundations built for him.

This fic was… unexpected. I wanted to write something for Nie Huaisang’s birthday, kind of a reconciliation between him and Wei Wuxian, and this happened. It will likely be no more than three chapters.

The title is a reference to a translation of a Su Shi poem, “First Ode on the Red Cliffs,” which was written after his first exile (he was exiled twice, both times for his poetry), while he wandered. There are several translations floating around, but I liked the wording of this one.

#the untamed #mo dao zu shi #chen qing ling #cql #mdzs #wei wuxian #wei ying #nie huaisang #untamed fanfiction #untamed fanfic #untamed fic #cql fanfic #cql fanfiction #cql fic #mdzs fanfic #mdzs fanfiction #mdzs fic #my fanfiction

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mst3kproject · 3 years

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Hot Car Girl

This film should not be confused with Hot Rod Girl, which I already reviewed (and which was also bad), Hot Car Girl boasts not only a desperately uninspired title, but June Kenney from Earth vs the Spider, Bruno VeSoto from Daddy-O, and Tyler McVey from Night of the Blood Beast. It was produced by the Corman brothers and directed by Bernard L. Kowalski, who brought us both Blood Beast and Attack of the Giant Leeches. If you decide to search for the movie online, be sure you’ve got all your anti-porn filters on.

After a night with her boyfriend gets a little too romantic, Peggy Dale suffers some serious misgivings about her reputation and her future… but little does she know she has bigger problems coming. As a friend reveals to her, Peg’s boyfriend Duke and his pal Freddy make their living as car thieves. Peggy tries to talk Duke into going straight for her sake, but he will have none of it, not even when his life of crime culminates in a murder! Feeling that no other man will want her now that she’s no longer a virgin, Peggy is forced to flee with him as the police close in.

Duke and Freddy’s fence appears to be the same junkyard owner from The Choppers, and sure enough, when I looked it up… they’re both Bruno VeSoto. God damn it, the movies are all coming together again.

I’m gonna have a hard time coming up with anything to say about Hot Car Girl that I haven’t said about another movie before. It’s a pretty nondescript Young Folks In Trouble film that stands out from the pack only by being unusually upfront about Duke and Peggy’s premarital sex. Like so many other such movies it’s dull and talky and mostly avoids any of the excitement or drama we might hope for from a film about cars and crime. Shots are either over- or under-lit, the actors look ten years older than the characters they’re playing, and the film can’t decide who its main character is.

The title Hot Car Girl suggests that the movie will be mostly about Peggy. So, for that matter, do the opening credits, which are semi-animated in the style of Night of the Blood Beast and depict exciting things like car races and women screaming, which don’t happen nearly often enough in the actual movie. Peggy’s terrified face features prominently here, but... by now, of course, you guys have guessed what I’m going to say next: in spite of this introduction, Peggy doesn’t do much in the film at all.

We first meet her when Duke brings her to a bar where the young folks hang out. There he gets her drunk, takes her home, and sleeps with her, which the movie treats as a very ordinary situation and not at all a mass of skeevy consent issues. In the morning, Peggy worries that she’s ruined herself in Duke’s eyes as well as everybody else’s, telling Freddy’s girlfriend Mickie that she’s afraid Duke will think she’s ‘cheap’. Mickie assures her that he will think no such thing and as it turns out, he doesn’t, which is what leads Peggy to think she’s stuck with him and nobody else will want her.

This much of the movie is fine, and we expect to move on to Peggy learning about Duke’s life of crime… but then I guess the story realizes it’s asking its audience to identify with a girl who has a very gender-specific problem, and switches rails to be about Duke instead. We don’t even see the moment when Peggy finds out about his criminal activities and realizes what it means for her. All we get is her telling Duke later that Mickie told her. The rest of the story is presented through Duke, with Peggy largely standing around either weeping or nagging at him. Her worries about her chastity never come up again. I assume that’s why she sticks with Duke when things get dicey, but the movie just seems to forget about it.

Other characters talk a lot about how Peggy is a ‘good girl’. She’s described as such by Duke, who sounds as if he’s set a challenge for himself to corrupt her, and Freddy’s girlfriend Mickie complains that Peggy is ‘so square, she’s a cube!’ (This is mathematically correct: a cube is, in fact, a square squared.) Peggy does seem naïve, but she never actually objects to all the drinking and drag racing and sex that goes on, and makes only a token protest about the crime before just deciding that this must be her life now. Duke repeatedly says he should never have gotten mixed up with a girl like her, but the impression is more that he’s tired of her complaining about his lifestyle than that he’s ashamed of having gotten her in trouble.

That might make it sound that Duke is far more in love with the idea of bringing the bourgeoise down to his level than he is with Peggy herself – but in spite of it all they have a surprisingly functional relationship. The two of them clearly enjoy each other’s company and Duke never once slaps her even when they argue, which is admirable for a movie from the 50’s. They actually talk about their problems and Duke never blames her for his actions, even when he could almost justify doing so. Probably the height of Peggy’s naivete is when she suggests they just talk to Janice, the girl involved in a car accident Duke caused, and hope she will understand that they meant no harm and don’t want to get in trouble. Instead, Janice sensibly threatens to go to the police, and Duke feels he must kill her to keep her quiet. He could have blamed Peggy for putting him in that situation, but he didn’t.

In the end, Duke says he’d rather commit suicide than turn himself in to the cops, and for all intents and purposes he does exactly that. By this point he seems to have realized that the reason he should never have gotten involved with Peggy was for her sake, not his, as he leaves a note to say she was not involved in any of his crimes. Peggy, however, has no character arc at all. The end of the film leaves her traumatized but not really having learned anything. Duke actually has to order her to leave him behind, as she is apparently incapable of taking any initiative herself. She is in this story to be its helpless victim, and like Jane from Teenage Crime Wave, it’s very hard to feel any sympathy for her because of it. At the end she can only throw herself on the mercy of the police.

This is not reassuring because throughout the movie the police have been horrible to everybody. Duke describes how he was beaten into confessing the last time he was arrested, which is why he refuses to turn himself in now. Hot Car Girl insists on telling most of its plot points, but actually shows us the cops being dicks. Janice is arrested after her car accident and she is absolutely distraught, but the detective interrogating her still shouts at and threatens her. The same man later tells Peggy that brutality like what Duke experienced never solves anything, but it sounds pretty hollow coming from him.

Hot Car Girl is actually pretty ambiguous about the police. They are certainly the villains in Duke’s story and aren’t very nice people in Janice’s, but they seem to be Peggy’s saving angels. The cop who died in the car accident is clearly a tragic figure, but elsewhere they are objects of mockery, as when Duke tricks two officers into locking their keys in the car. Hot Car Girl shies away from making the police outright villains by having Duke shoot first in the final showdown and with the detective’s apology to Peggy for his colleagues’ brutality, but it certainly doesn’t consider them heroes, and blames them outright for Duke turning out the way he did. I’m not sure if this is an attempt to say something about cops misusing their authority, or if it’s just a side effect of the story being about a criminal.

Like other ‘teens and cars’ movies of the era, Hot Car Girl is about how Crime Doesn’t Pay, and the movie goes out of its way to show that it means it. As the story progresses and Duke gets in more and more trouble, the people in his life abandon him one by one. First Freddy and Mickie cut off all contact with him, then the junkyard owner goes to the police hoping to collect the reward Janice’s father is offering for information on her killer. Neither of them get away with it. The junkyard owner finds he has a warrant out for his own arrest, and when Freddy and Mickie turn up to plead Peggy’s case, they find themselves facing charges as well. The movie seems to be saying that the good you do doesn’t cancel out the bad, especially if you do good for bad reasons.

At the end of the movie even Peggy is under arrest, although the detective suggests that Duke’s suicide note will allow her to get away with no more than a slap on the wrist, if that. Like Teenage Crime Wave again, the movie has refused to allow its ostensible heroine to commit a crime. We saw Peggy lie to her mother about getting a job so she wouldn’t have to answer awkward questions about where she’s getting all this money from, but she’s only been enjoying the fruits of Duke’s crimes, not participating. Once again, it seems the writers fear we will lose all sympathy for Peggy if she does A Crime, whereas they repeatedly ask us to feel for Duke despite his doing many Crime. Another double-standard, I guess.

I don’t hate this movie, I’m just sort of mildly annoyed by it. It’s so much like so many other 50’s troubled teens films, and like them the ending leaves the characters’ lives in ruins and the audience depressed. Can’t a fifties girl ever escape her criminal boyfriend and be happy after?

#mst3k #reviews #episodes that never were #hot car girl #tw: suicide #50s

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tahitianmangoes · 3 years

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The Story of Ephraim Bird

Sister Amata woke suddenly. She's not the type to wake during the night so suddenly, usually a heavy sleeper but that night felt different somehow. She left her sleeping quarters, the stone floors freezing under bare feet.

The sound was faint, so faint hat she half wondered whether it was in her head but she followed it, somehow she knew she had to, right to the door of the convent. She opened it gingerly, knowing she’d be in trouble if Mother Superior caught her.

She realised, as she saw a basket on the front step of the convent that she had been woken for a reason. She knelt down beside the basket and the sound became louder; the cooing and gurgling of a baby. The baby was sleeping quite soundly, not undernourished or in distress.

Sister Amata took the baby inside and the convent decided to take care of it.

A baby boy. They called him Ephraim.

Ephraim grew up in the convent which was located a little over the border from New Austin, past Hennigan’s Stead. It was a pleasant childhood, perhaps a more sheltered childhood than most - Ephraim would help the nuns around the convent, fixing what needed fixing or running errands for them.

He realised early on that he liked to help people - he found being needed and depended upon was addictive.

He would drive the wagon to Blackwater every Sunday for the service there and studied the bible alongside the nuns back at the convent. At first he was unquestioning and took comfort in the pages of the book but as he grew, he saw other children his age whenever he went to the Macfarlane’s Ranch to get supplies or even when he drove the nuns to Strawberry for their evangelism… They always seemed so happy and normal. They had their friends and their toys and most importantly, they had their parents.

He was eleven or at the oldest twelve when he asked Sister Amata about his parents.

She smiled gently at him, slipping her arm around his shoulders and squeezing him. “I knew this day would come,” she said more to herself than Ephraim. “The truth is, dear boy, we don’t know for certain.”

Ephraim hadn’t prepared himself for this answer. He blinked up at the nun who had raised him with unwavering love, kindness and benevolence, her clear, blue eyes met Ephraim’s.

“I had my thoughts over the years…”

“Tell me..!” Ephraim pleaded almost desperately.

Sister Amata smiled kindly at the boy. “Well, there was a young woman who used to come to the church over in Blackwater. Always on her own she was but she came every Sunday without fail. I would talk to her and she was polite but never really said too much… I noticed that she was in the family way but when I asked her, poor girl started sobbin’... She wasn’t married but the man she was layin’ with was. She didn’t say much about him but he was important, that was clear and he wasn’t interested in havin’ a family with her or financing her and a baby...”

Ephraim chewed his lip. “Was she my mother?”

“I don’t know for sure, dear boy. But a few months later, sure enough you were left outside on our doorstep and that poor girl stopped coming to church.”

“What did she look like?” Ephraim asked shyly. His whole life he had searched the faces of women he didn’t know hoping to see something familiar looking back at him, hoped to run into her one day in the general store or at the butchers or even just on the trail. He dreamed about her coming to the convent to take him away with her where they would live happily together. But she never did.

When he caught his reflection in a mirror or water, he wondered what part of him was from her? Her eyes? Her mouth? And his father? Maybe the brow or nose?

He didn't look like anyone else he knew; his skin was coffee coloured suggesting maybe Mexican or Native… His eyes round and hazel, nose crooked and lips wide and full. His hair was sleek and straight, dark mahogany. He was without a doubt handsome, but what did that matter? he’d been discarded, like trash.

"Why, she looked just like you." Sister Amata answered with a wistful tone to her voice.

Ephraim did his best to stop his eyes from filming over with tears, clenching his fist in his lap so the nails dug into the soft flesh of his palm. “W-why didn’t she love me?”

Ephraim was taken aback when Sister Amata threw back her head in a light-hearted laugh. “Oh Ephraim, your mother loved you very much. She loved you enough to carry you and birth you and then to make the difficult decision to give you to people who would take care of you in a way that maybe she couldn’t.”

Ephraim swallowed, unconvinced.

"I'll let you into a secret, child, mothers don't tend to give their babies up due to lack of caring… Usually due to caring too much."

Ephraim wrinkled his nose at this. He couldn’t quite believe her, even if she was a nun.

By age thirteen, Ephraim began to question everything. If God loved everyone then why did people suffer? Those poor folk in Armadillo dying of sickness and beggars in Blackwater thankful for even a cent thrown their way. If God loved everyone, why did Ephraim’s parents abandon him?

Maybe Sister Amata could see him becoming contemptuous and jaded because she tried to talk to him, to involve him more but the more she did, the more he withdrew until, when he was fifteen, he left the convent.

He missed Sister Amata dearly, she was the closest thing to family he had and maybe ever would have. But he needed to find himself somehow and he couldn’t do that confined in the convent’s four walls.

Ephraim was naïve and didn’t know the way of the world. For that reason, he ended up falling in with gangs when he shouldn’t have but he found himself attracted to them.

A few months after he had left the convent, he found himself weary and starving, feet blistered from walking and exhausted from the relentless New Austin sun. He collapsed somewhere outside of Benedict Pass and when he awoke again, he was lying on a bedroll and could smell cooked meat. When he sat up slowly and let his eyes adjust to the darkness of the evening, he could make out a large camp. He could hear chatter and laughter. That meat smelled delicious.

“Estas despierto?”

Ephraim started, looking around wildly at where the voice had come from to see a man who must have been in his late thirties or so, he was average build with a goatee and moustache, piercing dark eyes the held him in their gaze sitting beside him on a small stool.

He repeated himself, voice deep and for some reason, cast fear in Ephraim.

“I...I don’t understand.” Ephraim stammered.

“Ah, English…” The man responded. He didn’t say anything else for a few moments and then, “are you hungry?”

Ephraim nodded hesitantly.

“Then let’s eat!”

“Eat?” Ephraim repeated.

The man raised a thick eyebrow at Ephraim, “you think I would leave you to starve? Flaco Hernandez might be a bastard, but I am not the devil.”

That was his name, Flaco Hernandez. He was the leader of a gang of ten or so men. He treated Ephraim with surprising care, feeding and watering him, letting him recuperate in the camp for as long as he needed. Flaco was unlike anyone Ephraim had ever met, he was boisterous, loud and had a presence that made most people shrink away. He fascinated Ephraim no end. And his gang, well they treated each other like brothers despite not being related in any way. But they were family.

Ephraim rode with them for a while, going as far as Mexico for a month or two before they were chased by the law back into America. During this time, Ephraim learned to shoot a gun, albeit badly at first but his aim improved over time and he would often practice with empty whiskey bottles around the camo when the others were gone.

He tasted his first alcohol and had his first smoke, even had his first kiss. He learned to kill and skin an animal, how to clean and dress a wound, how to start a fire and take care of a camp. At the age of sixteen, he felt like a man and most importantly, he felt like part of something bigger than himself. He felt accepted.

But like all good things, it ended all too soon. Something had happened that caused a rift in the group - Ephraim had learned some Spanish here and there but not enough to understand the arguments. Some of the gang left for the Del Lobo. Ephraim wanted to stay with Flaco.

Flaco sighed and told him, “you’re a good boy but Flaco has to go alone. When you’re older, come and find me.”

He was being abandoned again.

He was eighteen now and Ephraim had nothing but a horse and a revolver to his name after Flaco. He felt bitter and betrayed, his veins felt like they knotted and twisted themselves with venom. He didn’t hate Flaco for living him, he loved the man like a father and it hurt. It hurt so much that it brought stinging tears to his eyes. He spent his time in saloons, drinking until he forgot or blacked out.

Soon enough the money dried up but his thirst for booze didn’t. He was no good at pickpocketing and lacked the guts to rob a homestead without a gang to back him up but he had befriended a working girl in a saloon in Valentine who suggested that maybe he could probably charge for his services, too.

“You’re pretty and young enough and there’s plenty of lonesome fellers out here prefer a man’s touch to a woman’s.”

Ephraim thought about it for a few days. He’d been propositioned before but had been so scared that he had fled the saloon and ended up sleeping on a bench outside the general store for the night.

There were indeed plenty of lonely fellers out there, he knew that much. Sometimes they bought him drinks and talked to him, glad of the company of a handsome young man. Sometimes they laid their hand on his thigh and he would casually brush it off whilst talking to them. Not many of them tried to push it any further, one or two but Flaco had taught him how to deal with men who wouldn’t heed notice.

The need for drink made up his mind for him.

“Five dollars if you want me to jerk you off, ten if you want me to suck it and twenty-five to fuck.” Ephraim told his clients firmly. The words felt crass coming out of his mouth, never had he spoken like this before but the working girls had told him that boundaries were necessary in this business, lest he wanted to be taken advantage of.

To say he liked the work would be a lie, but he liked being close to someone even if it was for a short bit.

He could get more money in places like Saint Denis or Blackwater, steered clear of places like Strawberry where folk like him weren’t welcome. But he found that wherever he went, the men he met regardless of age or profession, were the same in a way; lonely and touch-starved like him.

Some wanted to talk, to tell him how their wives wouldn’t fuck them anymore and that they just wanted someone to hold them, others didn’t want anything but his body. Some men returned to him a few times, taking him out for dinner or a show, showering him with compliments and gifts and paying him extra; they didn’t want the sex, just the company. Somehow that was worse.

Regardless, he always felt unclean and worthless afterwards, whether they’d fucked or not, when they left and he cleaned himself up...

What would Sister Amata say if she could see him now?

The money added up nicely and he was able to afford himself fine clothes and fancy lodgings. But no amount of pretty shirts or coats could fill the emptiness that people could.

He drank more until the pain became nothing but numbness. Got into a few fights because of it and now bore the scar from a broken nose. One of his regulars cooed as they stroked the scar carefully, “you need to be more careful. Wouldn’t want to ruin your pretty face, boy.”

****

After whoring for a while, he met a mysterious woman named Madam Nazar whose intricately painted cart played music and boasted of rare oddities. She was beautiful with long dark hair and bright green eyes, Ephraim had never seen a woman quite like her before. She sold him maps of hidden treasures and when he returned to her with those things, she paid him handsomely.

He found himself on the trail a lot more because of this but it meant that he wasn’t selling himself as often and maybe that was for the better.

The trail was a lonesome place, sometimes he went days without seeing a soul and when he did, he became so excited, he wanted to greet them, lured in by the thought of having a conversation with someone other than his horse. He found out that this was not always the best thing to do, to his detriment.

One afternoon while riding through Roanoke Ridge, he came across a man who was complaining of illness. He remembered those days in the convent when he had helped the nuns and the rush of pride he got from doing so and, eager to help, hopped down from his chestnut Arabian and went to the aide of the man.

When Ephraim got closer, the man rose to his feet and pointed a gun to his face.

“Your money, now!” He demanded.

Ephraim felt violated but more importantly, stupid. So darn stupid. He handed over his money and then, when the man turned to leave, he drew the revolver that Flaco Hernandez had given him and shot him in the back.

He took his money back and whatever else the man had in his pockets.

His hunger for blood was spent but his hunger for human contact was not.

In 1898, Ephraim Bird is 23 and travels the country looking for shiny trinkets and strange tarot cards to sell to the exquisite Madam Nazar, he tries to keep away from liquor but it seems it’s a vice he can’t shake. Along the way he beds many people in whatever town he stays in, some for cash and some for lust - men or women, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he can pretend that he is wanted by someone, even if it is for a short bit.

#my oc #ephraim bird #new oc!#rdo #rdo oc #rdr2 #tw sex work #red dead edemption 2 #flaco hernandez

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hillbillyoracle · 3 years

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I came for the insight on toxic positivity in witchcraft and... Examining your culture's roots and engaging with Christianity as healing and trauma work shouldn't be controversial. It's the dominating culture and has shaped the world I know and imposed its values on my own. This is true for white folks in America and Europe and it's worth the work rather than re-triggering trauma all your life. You called it out and seemed to have summoned the "unhealed reactivity around Christianity"

I genuinely did not expect the backlash. I was like oh this is probably something a bunch of people are going to roll their eyes at and be like well of course, good on you for catching up. Not...-gestures around- this. Which was naïve of me in retrospect.

And it’s weird cause the reactivity kind of proves the point.

I appreciated the critique that choosing not to engage with Christianity in the right context could also be a powerful rejection of colonialism too. I’ve also appreciated people being like yeah I don’t agree personally but you do you.

But a not insignificant portion of the responses I’m getting are people who are really reading what I’m saying. They seem very upset my usage of “living”, “dead”, and “reconstructed”. They seem to weirdly think I’m claiming that if people leave Christianity they’ll always go back to it or some crap. It’s just been a WILD amount of projection - ironic considering how many of some how accused a one off post of projecting on them.

I think A LOT of it comes down to folks not knowing enough history and I am not really here to teach history personally. Learning more about the Roman Empire, especially the Council of Nicea and it’s fallout, was where things started to click for me personally. But funnily enough I had avoided learning about it because the time I had even heard of the Council of Nicea was in church and I spent quite a bit of time avoiding all things church. So.

On the one hand I can empathize cause I’ve been in that really reactive state, but not being in it is so much better. 10/10 do recommend.

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theschizoidblog · 4 years

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Snape, the Schizoid

Blog 4: 30/07/2020

While I usually write about how Schizoid personality disorder affects me, I think there’s a lot to be learned from drawing comparisons to fictional characters. In fact, before I got my diagnosis, I was writing fanfiction in which I poured very large portions of my soul and very being, often without realizing I wasn’t really writing about other characters, but I was exploring my own inner self. I loved writing about outcasts, about recluses and sometimes I didn’t know if I just was in a sort of love with the characters I wrote about, or if they were me.

At the age of 18, we’re talking about 2001 here, I got into Harry Potter. And with that I mean: I got into Severus Snape. Described as an ugly git and a mean bastard, I still loved him to pieces. (And Alan Rickman portrayed him beautifully, RIP)

And here might be the reason why he lured me in straight away: Snape is a schizoid, like me. And that only clicked when I got my diagnosis a few months ago. 19 years after first encountering the character. And after rereading some of my own fanfictions, I started realizing that what I’d described as Snape’s problems and needs in those stories, were my own. Strange how that works!

In this blog, I’m going to run over some traits of SPD (schizoid personality disorder) and explain how Snape fits into the criteria.

This post serves three purposes:

To people who have no idea what schizoid personality disorder is, this is a means to familiarize yourself with the disorder by exploring the traits while you imagine a character you already know.

To people with schizoid personality disorder, this is just meant to be a fun little blog where maybe you can recognize some traits of yourself. No worries, I have not forgotten we’re all on a spectrum and each schizoid is different.

To fans of the Harry Potter novels, I hope that you come to realize that people can identify with flawed characters for very personal reasons. Don’t be mean to fictional characters (unless they’re Umbridge I guess XD), because you never know who identifies with them. Your rejection of a character can feel like the rejection of a person who struggles with the same things. Anti-culture, in all fandoms, has to end. It’s not adult. It’s not wise. It’s mean. It’s exhausting.

I also feel like I need to make a statement about JK Rowling’s intent: I doubt she knew what SPD was when she wrote Snape. She said she based him off of one of her old teachers – no idea if that man had SPD or was just generally unpleasant. The way that Snape matches SPD is eerie though, just like Luna matches schizotypal personality disorder rather well. (More on that later.) An actual psychologist might disagree with me and say “No he’s not schizoid because….” – and hell, I’d love to hear it. I don’t mind it if this post, written by a schizoid but not a psychologist, starts a discussion that will help people understand the disorder even better, even if I’m wrong in assessing Snape. Or if we can learn to understand Snape better because of me being wrong, that’s also a win-win situation.

Ready? Let’s dive into it!

Cause

SPD is said to be caused by a combination of genetics and environment – as is the case with many other personality disorders. But ask around in schizoid groups, and most will tell you that there were issues in childhood with abuse, lack of warmth or understanding at home, or the presence of a “bad parent”. According to webmd: “Some professionals speculate that a bleak childhood where warmth and emotion were absent contributes to the development of the disorder.”

We all know that Snape’s early childhood was not a happy one. He had an abusive muggle father and grew up at Spinner’s End, the opposite of what you could consider a happy childhood home.

When you grow up in a loveless home, it ruins a lot of your own enjoyment of life. You get trust issues, you become awkward, and so when Snape finally arrives at Hogwarts, he gets bullied. He’s already rather isolated (he only had Lily), and they picked on him because kids can sniff out weaknesses and he was an easy target.

The bullying did nothing to stop the disorder from developing further. Many schizoids have gone through bullying themselves, and it does nothing to help you grow closer to human beings as you get older, quite the opposite, a bond of trust is broken and it’s incredibly hard to heal that. You’ll be suspicious of everyone you meet once that sort of thing happens. The more bullying you receive, the more you hate the world as you grow up. Maybe that’s not true for all people or all schizoids, but I bet some can relate.

You might say: “But Harry also got bullied at the Dursleys and he turned out fine!” Well, I guess he did. That’s the thing with many heroes – their tragic backstories make them poster boys of “look what they overcame and how he saved the world!” – but it’s not that realistic, and if you’ve got a genetic predisposition to develop a personality disorder instead, you’re screwed. Let’s also not forget that Harry’s first year in life was a very loving one. The very first year in a child’s life is crucial, and if things go wrong in early childhood, that leaves scars that most people carry with them for the rest of their lives. Snape never had that steady sort of home, not even for one year, or if he did, there’s nothing to indicate he did.

Diagnosis Criteria

Okay, time to get digging! According to the DSM-V, you need to display at least four symptoms in order to be diagnosed with SPD. Also keep in mind that these traits need to be present for longer than just a few months or a year or so. You might recognize some of these traits as something you’ve gone through yourself if you’ve ever been depressed – it’s when these traits last for what seems like your entire adult life, that a diagnosis with the disorder can be made. (I’m also not familiar with every other trait of every other disorder in the DSM-V, so as I stated in the beginning, it’s possible that other personality disorders are even more fitting of Snape, but that I just don’t know them yet.)

The seven criteria are:

Lack of desire or enjoyment for close personal relationships

Always chooses solitary activities

Little or no interest in sex with other people

Experiences little pleasure from activities

No close friends other than immediate family

Indifference to criticism or praise

Emotional detachment and lack of emotional expression

➤ Emotional detachment and lack of emotional expression

While this is usually at the bottom of the list, I want to put it on top. This is what they also call “flat affect”. You can give us a present, and it might seem like we’re not truly grateful. We may laugh with a joke, but the light never reaches our eyes. Emotionally, it doesn’t seem to an outsider like there’s a lot going on, and if it is, it’s going on so deeply within our souls we’re hardly aware of it ourselves. Think of Snape’s monotonous voice when talking. Now Alan Rickman is a brilliant actor and emotes with very very small signs sometimes, and it’s not like when talking to me, you’re talking to a wall. (But my empathic mask makes me appear rather normal to most folks.) (I don’t think Snape has a mask like that.) Other characters that have schizoid traits are, for example, Mai from Avatar the Last Airbender or Geralt of Rivia from the Witcher. If you know and visualize these characters, you may understand better what I mean with the “lack of emotional expression” then. Also, Snape being a great Occlumens? It’s because he’s the reigning champion in suppressing his emotions, like all schizoids are. We would make wonderful Occlumens, I think. XD Snape being mean? Not all schizoids have a good amount of empathy, they’re too emotionally detached for that. (Others are very empathic to some causes, but might be picky in what they are empathic about. For example: they can be empathic towards animal cruelty and Black Lives Matter, but don’t give a shit about other causes.)

A lack of empathy is what makes plenty of people an easy prey to fascists. Without empathy, what moral compass is going to stop you from becoming a bigot? (And I also want to state that within the disorder you’ll probably find people of all political leanings – many schizoids also seem to have a thing for the underdog, and thus seem to often lean towards the left instead of the right side of the political spectrum. But as with ‘regular’ people, you’ll find people swing both ways.) But here, in Snape’s case, his hatred for his bullies and his father (a muggle) pushed him right into the Death Eater’s arms, and they were glad to welcome a man of his skill, maybe even giving him the illusion, for a while, that he had found a new family. It didn’t last, and eventually his eyes opened to what the Death Eater’s really were. He was too young and naïve to see what they wanted of him (and the one person he loved), and it basically ruined his life. He was a teenage fool, and after losing Lily’s friendship, he had no one left to keep him out of that bad group of friends.

➤ Lack of desire or enjoyment for close personal relationships

Does Snape strike you as the social type that’s trying to make new friends all the time? Have you ever seen the man enjoy the company of another character in the books? Not just tolerate, not just need, but ‘enjoy’? Even when it comes to Lucius or Karkarov, it seems he is just keeping an eye on them, observing them rather than offering true friendship.

Maybe McGonagall might be an exception. He seems amiable towards her, in a competitive way. He might get a kick out of their arguing. She’s certainly an intelligent woman so he might enjoy her company for intellectual reasons.

➤ Always chooses solitary activities

We see Snape engage in a few activities at Hogwarts, such as going to Quidditch matches, or being present at the Yule Ball. Death Eater meetings and gatherings in the staff room might be social activities, but let’s not pretend Snape has a lot to say about whether he attends those or not. As a teen he already excels at potions, a solitary activity, and when we are given a glimpse of his “summer” lifestyle at Spinner’s End in Half-Blood Prince, he’s just reading. He certainly doesn’t entertain a crowd in his spare time, like, for example, Slughorn does.

➤ Little or no interest in sex with other people

I hear you coming now. “BUT LILY!” Schizoids are often asexual, but not necessarily sex-aversive. When asking around in a schizoid group, about a third of the schizoids seem to be in relationships or are even married, perhaps even more. And many of the others have had sexual relationships in the past. Many have tried to make relationships work, only to realize at a later point that that sort of life was not for them and that they would never be truly happy in a relationship. Other schizoids are happy in relationships – so it exists! It’s not impossible! (Remember: you need 4/7 traits, not 7/7 to be schizoid.) Also keep in mind, if Snape really was interested in sex, why would he pine after a dead woman for 16 years? He’d be over her way sooner and into someone else’s pants way sooner too. Lily was the first person in his life that gave him any kind of warmth, so him pining after her is not strange or inexplicable behavior. She offered what he craved, what he lacked, and he mourned her for the rest of his life, because he feared no one would ever give him that warmth. (And he kind of turned that into a self-fulfilling prophecy by being such a recluse.) He dreamed of love, but we have no idea what it would have been like had he actually ever had his affections returned. Maybe he’d have enjoyed a relationship with her for a long while and she would have been the only person he could have tolerated, or maybe after a year or so he would have thought “this is suffocating” and ended the relationship.

➤ Experiences little pleasure from activities

Can you recall Snape laughing in any scene? Smiling, even? I can imagine him to feel rather content when brewing potions or studying the dark arts, and he does have passion for what he does. But to a schizoid, passion and pleasure are not necessarily the same. We experience emotions differently. In some ways we don’t experience them at all, in other ways, we might feel like there’s a wall around our emotions, and we have no idea how to get over that wall and check what the currently active emotion is. But with logic, we can determine “I guess I’m happy now that I’m doing this thing I like doing.” Intellectual pursuits are fun too – like solving a puzzle, it gives a little boost of dopamine when you make it to the next level, so it’s not surprising he excels at Potions.

➤ No close friends other than immediate family

Basically, Snape only really had Dumbledore, and that bastard only used him to win the war. (I have beef with old Dumbledore, okay?) But Snape confided in Dumbledore, and the other way around, and so I think it’s safe to say that there was a true friendship between the two. When Dumbledore died, Snape was truly alone. (Which is incredibly tragic and heartbreaking when you think about it – in the last year of his life, Snape had no one, really no one, as he tried to keep Hogwarts ‘safe’ and eventually died. And everyone hated him for killing Dumbledore, not knowing the truth about his allegiance. Everyone who had once spoken kindly to him, like the other professors at Hogwarts, now considered him arch enemy #2, behind Voldemort.)

➤ Indifference to criticism or praise

Compliment or insult a schizoid, and it’s not like they won’t give any response at all. They might say “thank you” or they might get a little defensive about the insult, but they won’t always lose a lot of sleep over it. It kind of depends on who the praise or criticism is coming from. I can imagine that it did mean something to him if it came from Dumbledore, whom he cared about. I don’t think it meant anything to him what his students thought of him, since he didn’t give a personal level of shit about them. There’s also a moment where Umbridge shrieks “You are on probation!” and it’s described as “Snape looked back at her, his eyebrows slightly raised.” Then she says that she expected better after how highly Lucius Malfoy always speaks of him and she dismisses him. Snape then gives her “an ironic bow” – he really doesn’t give a rat’s ass and I love him for it.

These are the 7 criteria that you need to fit 4 of to be diagnosed with SPD – I managed to link all 7 to Snape – so I think it’s not unlikely that Snape is truly a schizoid. Now, for the next part I would like to highlight some other comorbidities which many schizoids also have, that seem to appear in Snape as well.

Comorbidities

➤ Depression In about half of all schizoid patients, depression is or has been present. How do you notice that in Snape? The greasy hair, among other things. Bad teeth. Always wearing the same outfit. If you’ve ever suffered from a bad depression, you know how difficult it suddenly becomes to shower at a regular interval, how you can go days without brushing your teeth, how wearing comfortable clothing is more important than looking fashionable – how it is absolutely meaningless to look fashionable because who the fuck cares anyways. Snape doesn’t seem to give a hoot about himself or his appearance, which strikes me as a sign of depression. And what does he have to be happy about? He knows Voldemort is going to return and he’ll have a cursed job as a double-spy. He knows he’s probably going to die. I wouldn’t be happy either.

➤ Anger Outbursts/PTSD Not all schizoids have this, but it’s something I have myself and which I’ve written about extensively in one of my previous blog posts. I look at it as a way of my inner self breaking down the walls and coming out to say “I know that I’ve been quiet for the past 37 years but what the fuck I’m really angry about this and have been for a while and I’m not going to contain it any longer” – and then the anger comes out disproportionately. It’s hard to impossible to really control such an outburst. And often, there is a very obvious cause to the outburst. Sometimes it’s PTSD related. For Snape, while he does not emote often, you see a few outbursts – like when he is face to face with Sirius Black in the shrieking shack, his childhood bully. He seems mad at that moment, not at all composed anymore, the sign of a real anger outburst. (I think it’s PTSD helping that anger build.) A few moments later, he thinks he has turned in Sirius Black to the Ministry, Sirius, who he holds responsible for the death of James and Lily (and it’s especially the latter’s death he can’t cope with), so when Sirius escapes, he loses it again. Then the next time he gets really angry is when Harry enters his “worst memory”. That’s a few years later, during the Occlumency lessons. While he’s no longer shrieking, he’s white with rage. My pro tip: don’t impose on the privacy of a schizoid, we get mad. XD In Half-Blood Prince, he’s got a moment where he’s like “Don’t call me coward!”, looking ‘inhuman’. I too can get anger outbursts over false accusations, and this one must really hurt, because at that moment, he’s trying to save Harry’s freaking life while the boy is all like “lemme at you I’mma kill you like you killed Dumbledore for fun!” – Snape was probably grieving the loss of his only friend and confidant and knew he was on his own from that point onwards, and then you get this bloody teenager trying to drag you into a wizard’s duel you’re not in the mood for, calling you a coward, which is the last thing you are. Man it has to suck to be Snape. I also want to state that there are many moments when things go wrong in class, but Snape never loses his temper like that. He’s not pleasant and he punishes students, but he doesn’t get mad – he gets even. That makes it all the more interesting to analyze the moments that he does go bananas.

Random Thoughts

Before I finish this blog, there are still a few small things I’d like to get out of my system about Snape and SPD.

➤ Snape and Luna

They are my favorite characters, but also because they’re very, very alike and very, very different at the same time. Both didn’t have a great childhood (Luna lost her mother at a young age) and they get bullied as kids at Hogwarts. Snape is called Snivellus and Luna is called Looney. All the suffering they endure, affects them differently though. Snape gets meaner, Luna only seems to get nicer. I see them as two sides of the same coin. One dark, one light, both a little eccentric in their own way. When you look at it from a personality-disorder point of view, then they both have personality disorders that are related to one another. Snape has Schizoid Personality Disorder, Luna has Schizotypal Personality Disorder. Schizotypal Personality Disorder is where you’ll find a lot of eccentric people who believe in conspiracy theories. Both are class A personality disorders. Some people might even have the two personality disorders at the same time. Schizoids seem to be rooted in reality with their thoughts, schizotypals can really start believing strange things if they’re not careful, alienating them from others And, in case you’re now wondering: “So many schizo-personality disorders! Is this also schizophrenia?” No – schizophrenia is when you have delusions and hallucinations as well. Read up on those disorders if you’re interested, because these descriptions of mine are too brief and don’t do it justice.

➤ Snape was a bad teacher

Not fully, and yes, he was. I think knowledge-wise, Snape was way better at Potions than Slughorn ever was. You notice when Hermione can’t keep up in her sixth year while Harry is sailing through Potions thanks to Snape’s book. Snape’s a genius and would have been able to instruct his students to be more efficient when brewing potions. But personality wise? Don’t put a schizoid in front of a classroom. And for that, I kind of blame Dumbledore. Snape wasn’t asking for a job as a teacher, but that’s all Dumbledore had to offer, and thus he put Snape and his unwilling students in a room together where none of them wanted to be. I think Snape would have been better off as some kind of a scientist, just him and his books, inventing spells or potions. But he was not given much of a choice, and he was forced to socialize with teenagers (ew, gross), and that must have drained him terribly. It’s a wonder he was usually roaming the hallways at night because I would have been too exhausted to get out of bed. That makes you realize it’s truly a work of fiction because who on earth has that kind of stamina? :-P (No, in all seriousness it’s probably also depression at work, keeping him up.) Snape was a jerk to Harry and Neville and Hermione on various occasions, and not all of it was to “keep up appearances” to the Slytherins. He seemed to even enjoy a bit of sadism here and there. You could contemplate why he poisoned Neville’s toad. Was it just to spite poor little Neville, or was he hoping his student would perform better under pressure? (Which Neville did.. The toad didn’t die.) It’s a cruel way to teach a lesson, but I think he must have thought the end justified the means. But what a traumatic experience to Neville, who then had Snape become his greatest fear.

➤ Purity culture vs Snape

We’ve seen a shift on both Tumblr and other social media where fandom is about purity culture. Back in 2002 folks were like “We love the baddies, deal with it”, and the people that didn’t love the baddies actually dealt with it and you could joke with people who preferred the Gryffindors and just poke a little fun at one another, but it was fun fandom. But over the years I’ve seen fandom change. Nowadays you can’t even express love for Snape without someone seeing it as their moral obligation to remind you of what a “bad person he really was”. To them I can only say that I like him for his best qualities, and forgive him for his worst. And honestly, I don’t need to justify liking a character to anyone. If I want to put Umbridge-posters in every room of my apartment, are you going to stop me or call the cops on me? Purity policing is weird. Very American, too. (Though I’ve seen some Dutch folks go apeshit as well over purity concepts.) And as a Belgian I don’t have time to put up with that shit. XD And purity policing also is just nasty when you consider that some folks are like “I relate to this character” and the next person is like “THIS CHARACTER IS EVIL AND DESERVES TO DIE!” My response to that part of fandom is: “Just fuck off already, jerkface.” Personally I was heartbroken by his death, because I feel like he could have made up to the people he’d hurt, I would have loved to see relationships mended between him and McGonagall and him and Harry and such, but instead we were left with him passing on some awkward memories to Harry and then dying. (Tbh I’m not the greatest fan of his crush on Lily, but whatever, I can accept it and understand it. She was the only light he ever knew.) It’s not his fault he didn’t get to redeem himself as a character, not fully - and that’s what makes fanfiction fun. So if people want to explore that in fic, let them. A character like Snape is too much of a treasure to shove under a carpet and pretend he never existed. Write all the things about him, have him have all the adventures!

I think I’m done now! If you stuck around until now, 10 points to Slytherin or whatever house you’re from. (Probably Slytherin if you’re reading about Snape.) What do you think? Feel free to leave a comment, send an ask, or whatever!

#severus snape #snape #pro snape #schizoid #schizoid personality disorder #blog

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linkispink1995 · 4 years

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More then friends (11) Nana Always Knows

Previously

Series Masterlist

A/N: let me know if you'd like to be added to the tag list , please do not plagiarize my work. Stay safe and feedback is apricated , Thanks - Meg Also I have group chat for this series where we can talk about the series , and ya’ll can give me feedback on what you wanna see , there’ll be voting and Q and A’s so let me know if you’d like an invite and also sorry this has taken me a while life got pretty crazy but I’m officially back

Chapter Warnings : Language , Lots on Angst , Arguing and family drama with a tiny amount of fluff

Y/n's P.O.V

I rolled over before snuggling to what I could only assume was Steve but as I began to open my eyes I realized was a pillow. I sat up and pulled the covers up and looked around my room , the presents were still in their pile they were in when I feel asleep and my room was cold I then noticed the door leading to my balcony was somewhat open. My thoughts were disturbed when I heard a knock on my bedroom door before I could respond the door began to open revealing my mother on the other side she spoke saying. "For gods sake I told you to get dressed and come down for breakfast" I shook my head before she added "yes I did I came in here an hour ago and don't you try and talk back to me young lady understand now get dressed and come downstairs".

One Hour Earlier

Steve's P.O.V

My eyes opened as I felt Y/n snuggle closer to me , I placed a kiss on her forehead before I let out a yawn since being cramped in a small bed with Y/n (and the baby) wasn't the most comfortable and I still felt a bit tired. I leaned over to see the alarm clock and to see I had an hour till school started I then began to try and escape Y/n's cuddles even though if I was being honest I didn't really want to. After I had gotten out of bed and replaced myself with a pillow that was previously on the floor I got dressed before hearing a knock on the bedroom door. I at first ignored it and quickly looked around for my other shoe before hearing a voice on the other side "Y/n out of bed lets go your sixteen you have no right to be tired you have school out of bed now I'm not telling you again". I imminently recognized the voice as Y/n's mother but that wasn't what shocked me what shocked me was what she said and that wasn't a way someone should speak to their child let alone their pregnant daughter. I started to think of when Y/n invited me on the trip last night and I started to wonder if I could handle being on the trip with her mother , I looked under the bed before finally finding my shoe when I heard her bedroom door open. "Y/n I said- you what are you doing here" I looked up before her mother added "out , out of my house I want you gone do you understand me leave now" I grabbed my shoe and imminently went for the door attached to the balcony before leaving Y/n's house.

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Present time

Y/n's P.O.V

I walked out of my bedroom door before walking down the stairs to enter the dining room to see that my mother was clearing the table she spoke saying "aw their she is sorry kiddo breakfast got cold". Dad put the newspaper back on the table before he spoke saying "Diane quit being ridiculous" Mom shook her head before dad added "listen Y/n change of plans were leaving for Ohio today not tomorrow grandpa has to drive to pick your cousins up from the airport and Nana still doesn't know so when you come home from school pack your bag okay and don't worry if you forget anything cause Marissa's their". Mom rolled her eyes saying "can you believe my mother let's that mooch live with her" dad shook his head saying "well your sister won't let her so I think your moms nice letting Marissa and the girls stay their and damnit Diane your going to leave her alone understood", mom huffed saying "I can't make any promises about that" dad sighed before he and I left for him to drop me off at school.

My dad pulled up to the school before he spoke saying "so how are you feeling after everything that went down yesterday". I nodded saying "fine why" he shrugged saying "I was uh just wondering since your mom came downstairs this morning a bit peeved so I assumed-" I cut dad off saying. "assumed mom and I got into an argument" he responded saying "well did you" I sighed saying "no dad we didn't she came in my room and just started yelling like she always does and she just walks in and I wasn't even- neverminded I'll see you later" dad shook his head before he spoke saying "young lady did someone come over last night". Shit I knew I had been caught but I decided to play stupid and responded saying "yeah Colleen , Paige-" dad cut me off saying "Y/n Ym/n besides your friends did anyone else come over" I shook my head as he added "Y/n answer again and this time tell the truth". I huffed before leaning my head on the back of the seat before saying "fine Steve came over" dad sighed saying "Y/n I said you could have your friends over I never said anything about Steve being allowed over I don't want him in my house do you understand". I shook my head saying "no , no I do not understand dad okay he's my boyfriend and the baby's father and he's going to be in this family whether you like it or not". Dad huffed saying "oh no he isn't I'm sorry sweetie but I'm not having it I understand your young and naïve and-" I cut him off saying "and is dumb as shit is that what you were going to say". Dad frowned before saying "I'm not doing this with you when we come back from nana's we can talk about this okay your mother is already upset as it is lets not piss her off anymore understand". I shook my head saying "whatever I'll have Steve to talk to" dad spoke saying "what no you are not spending the whole trip on the phone young lady" I shook my head again saying "no I won't he's coming on the trip I invited him". Dad chuckled before saying "oh my god you are your mothers daughter , I don't understand how two people who are so alike don't get along I mean I seriously don't get it" I shrugged before he added. "Y/n their is no way in hell he's going on the trip I'm not having it do you understand no way" I rolled my eyes before grabbing my bag and getting out of the truck and walking into school.

I walked into homeroom before taking my seat , I could still feel the stares that were the same as the ones I got in the hallway and I could hear the whispers and the giggling it was a few minutes into class and my homeroom teacher Mr. Smith left to get his glasses from his car but everyone in the school and the entire town of Hawkins knew it was so he could go sneak around with Ms. Hall the guidance counselor . I sighed before I felt a tap on my shoulder before I turned around to see who it was that tapped my shoulder. It was Sean McCarthy he spoke saying "so I heard there's a rumor that you put out for ice cream is that true cause I got a carton of rocky road at home that's got your name on it if I can get some". I rolled my eyes before standing up and walking out of the classroom. I walked into the empty hall since pretty much everyone was in class and threw my bag down and leaned against a row of lockers before pulling my knees close to me before crying into them. I cried , I just cried because I didn't know what to do I thought I had my dad , I thought I had my friends and I thought I had Steve but I didn't. I have no one , I'm alone I mean I had my sweet pea but that was it besides them I'm alone. I cried and cried and didn't think I could any longer but the tears kept falling and falling "Y/n" I heard a voice say before I looked up to see my English teacher Ms. Coulter with a very worried look on her face she spoke again saying. "Y/n are you okay sweetheart" I wiped my tears before saying " I'm okay Ms. Coulter" she sighed before shaking her head and taking a seat next to me before she added "how are you feeling" I huffed saying "fine" she nodded saying "have you told your folks" I nodded before she added "it's really scary huh I mean I know I was scared". I spoke saying "wait you-" she cut me off saying "had a baby when I was in high school it's scary it's really scary but when you get to hold that baby it becomes all worth it I uh actually run a group at the community center we meet on Monday afternoons it's a group of girls in your situation and it's something I wish I had when I was pregnant". I nodded before Ms. Coulter added "and I don't tend to listen to the gossip but I also know what it's like to have the father of your child be a pain so I know how it feels unfair and I have a feeling that if anyone can do this it's you" I responded saying "thanks Ms. Coulter" she nodded before she stood up and spoke saying "but your a smart kid Y/n so I know you'll be fine I mean for Christ sake I have twenty of you in my class and I swear to god your the only one paying attention to what the hell I'm saying". I didn't respond before she added "sorry I sometimes forget I'm a teacher and not a twenty four year old who says whatever I want but you probably understand". I responded saying "understand what" Ms. Coulter spoke saying "oh you haven't gotten into the snappy stage have you" I shook my head before saying "not yet I just have been tired" she responded saying "well I'll see you in seventh period" I nodded before I stood up and walked back to class.

I was sitting in my history class taking notes when the classroom door opened to see principal Murphy. She spoke saying "Y/n Yl/n can you come with me" I stood up and grabbed my bag and my notebook trying my best to ignore the comments and laughter and especially the fingers being pointed towards me. I followed principal Murphy out of the classroom before entering the hallway to see my mother standing their she spoke saying ."Are you ready to go" I responded saying "go where" mom sighed saying "we'll talk in the car" I sighed before walking out of the school with my mom.

Steve's P.O.V

I walked into the library for study hall I hadn't seen Y/n since history , I feel asleep due to how boring the class was and then woke up and Y/n was gone. I sat down at the table across from Tommy and as Carol spoke saying "where's miss piggy at" Tommy chuckled before I spoke saying "I don't know I haven't seen her since history". Tommy responded saying "she probably ran off with her new boyfriend" I shrugged before he added "well Y/n isn't here and Stewart isn't here so if you ask me they ran off" I huffed as Carol spoke saying "I bet your not even the dad I bet it's him I mean do you see how close they are it's disgusting" I sighed saying "no he's not trust me" Carol sighed before Tommy spoke again saying "wow your touchy what is preggers being a pain in the ass". I huffed saying "her name is Y/n and no she's not being a pain in the ass well she kinda is but I already told you about last night". Carol spoke up saying "what happened last night" Tommy spoke saying "Y/n put out for Steve last night after he bought her ice cream" I sighed saying "will you shut up Tommy , Jesus I don't want everyone to know" Carol responded saying "oh I heard that in Mrs. Donald's class from Tina that's not news everyone knows that". I sighed again before hoping that Y/n didn't know that everyone knew about last night.

Y/n's P.O.V

I was sitting in the passenger seat of my moms car , it was sad to say but I hadn't been in my moms cars very many times at least her new car she bought herself after her last promotion even after she swore she was going to put the money into a nice family vacation. I didn't really know where we going and my mom had been quiet since picking me up , she finally spoke saying "so how uh is everything". I responded saying "everything like-" she cut me off saying "dear god Y/n what else would I be talking about how is everything with the baby and your idiot boyfriend". I sighed saying "the baby is fine I uh I'm really excited" she nodded saying "how have you been feeling" I responded saying "okay I'm uh little tired" she nodded again saying "okay so I don't want you to be mad but I have a little surprise" mom pulled into a parking space before I realized we were in the parking lot of the small outlet mall that was in the town over , I hadn't been here since I was a kid and needed a new pair of shoes for school. What I didn't understand was why my mom thought I'd be mad I mean if I was being honest I liked having a little break from school especially the teasing and name calling. I spoke up saying "why are we here" mom responded saying "well we haven't spent time in a while and uh you know we have the trip coming up and I thought maybe it would be nice to get you some new clothes some uh baby friendly clothes". I nodded before saying "but I don't have my wallet-" mom interrupted saying "that's fine I'm paying" it was odd almost too odd my mom never was offering to buy me things , let alone brand new clothes but I decided I was just gonna be grateful for my mom being their for me and actually talking to me.

Mom and I were in the third store when I began to notice a pattern with the clothes , they were all very nice but they all so far looked to baggy and anytime I brought it up she ignored me. Mom had pulled another sweater off the rack before handing it to me , that's when I decided to speak up "hey mom" she nodded as I added "uh so are you mad at me" she shook her head handing me another shirt before she added "no why would you say that". I responded saying "well you uh haven't been talking to me lately you've been ignoring me and really hurting my feelings". Mom spoke again saying "it was just a lot for me to take in I mean you try and imagine your teenage daughter coming home and telling you she's pregnant and not to mention you chose to have a baby with a complete moron I mean I'm sorry Y/n it was just a lot for me but I'm really trying" I nodded again as she added "and uh I've been doing so thinking and I do not want you telling your grandparents about the baby or Steve do you understand" I sighed before saying "why" she responded saying "well you grandparents are pretty old fashioned and uh you know I mean wouldn't it be nice for you to have a weekend where you can just forget about it and just be a normal girl and you don't have to think of the baby or Steve you can just think about Y/n and pretend none of this happened" I frowned before she handed me more clothes and spoke saying "now go try these on".

After mom and I had finished shopping we walked back to the car , when we got back in the car mom spoke saying " so are you excited to see Gran and Pop" I nodded saying "yeah it'll be good to see them and uncle-" I cut myself off as I reminded myself what my dad said yesterday. Mom spoke saying "I hate to break it to you but your uncle isn't going to show up , mark my words he's probably playing house with Joyce Byers which if you ask me is extremely disrespectful to Sara and Dee" I sighed as she added "oh you don't agree with me". I responded saying "it's just that I like Joyce she's really nice and she's been there for me during this" mom shook her head saying. "I hate to say it Y/n but this all could've been avoided if you remembered to take the pill or better yet it would've been avoided if you didn't put out for the first guy that gives you a flick of attention" I felt tears prick my eyes as my mom began to drive. She pulled into the driveway and spoke saying "alright go pack we leave in an hour and uh Y/n" I nodded as she added "Y/n your dad told me you were thinking of inviting what's his name and mark my words if that boy take one step near your grandparents house it'll be the last step he takes understood". I sighed before getting out of the car and walking into the house , I sat on my bed before wiping my eyes since I had been feeling tears prick in my eyes. I wiped my bag before hearing the phone besides my bed ring , I grabbed the phone before I spoke saying "hello" The voice on the other end spoke saying "Y/n are you okay" it was Stewart , I wiped my tears before I spoke saying "I'm fine" he responded saying "are you sure you don't sound fine" I huffed saying "no I'm not fine but I gotta pack and-" Stewart cut me off saying "do you want me to come over" I shook my head and looked at the clock beside my bed to see it was nearing lunch time. I then spoke saying "no I don't want you to skip" he responded saying "Y/n your my best friend and it sounds like my best friend needs me , are you sure you don't want me to come over". I sighed saying "I'm sure". Stewart spoke again saying "now this wouldn't have anything to do with Steve would it" I shook my head saying "no it doesn't it's just my mom being my mom" Stewart sighed saying "hey why don't we do one of our movie weekends , I think it's Alex's turn to host "I responded to him saying "I wish I could but I have to go to Ohio it's my Nan's birthday". Stewart responded saying "oh okay cool I'll uh see you when you get back then uh when exactly do you get back" I responded saying "I'll be back Monday morning right before school starts" Stewart spoke again saying" I uh guess I'll see you in third period then" I nodded before saying my goodbyes to Stewart.

A half an hour later I was sitting on the front step watching my family pack the car , our dog Ginger had her head resting on my knee as I watched and began to feel guilty about not being able to help them. We had gotten Ginger only a few years ago , she was an Anniversary present from my dad that he had given my mom , Ginger was usually a pretty quiet dog although she would once in a while run away but she always did come back. Mom spoke saying "okay I think that's everything Y/n you can take Ginger over to the Richardson's for me please" I nodded since I knew that was the least I could do since my family had just packed the car. I put Ginger on her leash before walker over to Harper's house she had only lived down the road from us and her dog and Ginger's dog got along well so anytime we would go on a vacation they'd watch her for us and we always returned the favor for the Richardson's when they went on vacation. I had finally made it to Harper's house , I had only been here a few time but the last time it was Harper's eleventh birthday so it had defiantly been a while. I knocked on the door before waiting a few minutes when the front door finally opened , it was Harper's brother Keith on the other side , I had only met Keith once or twice but I knew he was a grade younger then me and well that's all I really knew about him". I spoke saying "I was uh just dropping off Ginger my mom said she'd pick her up Monday" he nodded silently before I handed him Ginger's leash and walking away from the house.

Steve's P.O.V

I walked into the cafeteria and their was still no sign of Y/n I sighed before I saw Tommy and Carol waving to me to join them at our table , it was when I walked over and noticed they weren't alone. I recognized Heather and Mark but their were three other people sitting at the table , I took the seat I usually would take next to Tommy before I realized who two out of the three people were , I recognized one of them to be Quinn who was Colleen's older sister and the other next to her was Sean McCarthy , Sean I knew because he bullied me all through middle school and some in elementary school and the last time I had seen him was the last day of eighth grade. Tommy spoke saying "Harrington just who I was looking for , listen Mark's having a party later and we-" I cut Tommy off saying "I'm not going" his jaw feel before saying "excuse me" I responded saying " I can't I going with Y/n to meet her grandparent's" he sighed before Quinn spoke up saying "so let me get this straight you would rather go play house with Katie's little sister then go to what is going to be the best party this shit town has ever seen" I nodded before Quinn scoffed before saying "see now it makes since why my sister would hang out with you , your both losers" Quinn stood up as well as the girl next to her who I still didn't know before walking away from the table. Tommy spoke saying "well way to go their goes the person buying the beer for the night" I sighed before Mark spoke saying "listen I don't get your deal with you and that stupid girl but I can tell you right now it's probably not worth it". I huffed saying "she's not just some stupid girl that girl happens to be my girlfriend" Mark rolled his eyes as Heather spoke saying "please your only with her cause you knocked her up" Mark responded to Heather saying "wait a minute Jeffrey Yl/n's sister's pregnant" Heather nodded saying "duh I thought I told you that Jesus you took way to many footballs to the head Mark" Mark sighed when I spoke saying "she's not Jeffrey Y/n's sister and she's not Katie's sister she's Y/n she's her own person okay I'm so sick and tired of hearing that". Sean finally spoke up saying "isn't your sister Polly Harrington" I nodded before he added "so your sister was the cheerleader with really good grades and was extremely popular , see everyone called you Polly's dumb little brother and then they called you the guy who knocked that girl up and now their calling you king Steve now how and the hell did that happen" I rolled my eyes before walking away from the table and walking out of the cafeteria.

Y/n's P.O.V

I was sitting in the passenger seat of my dad's truck , my dad and I were in his truck while Jeffrey and Katie were in my moms car with her. My dad turned down the radio and spoke saying "do you remember are talk yesterday about having friends over" I nodded before he added. "Y/n why did your mother come downstairs this morning telling me that Steve was you know their" I responded saying "dad we already talked about this early okay he slept over I didn't think that would be a big deal" dad responded saying "Y/n we talked about this no Steve okay , I don't want him in my house I don't even want to hear his name and I most certainly don't want him around you do you understand". I shook my head saying "no I don't understand okay I'm pregnant dad okay Steve and I are going to have a baby I'm not just going to be pregnant and not be around Steve plus we share classes at school okay and Hawkins is a small town it's not like I can avoid him you know this isn't fair god I wish I could just stay home". Dad responded saying "you know the old Y/n , the Y/n that I know would've never said that he's changed you Y/n and I don't like that now when we get to Nan's you better have changed your attitude and you better be smiling and god damnit I don't care if it's a fake smile or a real one do you understand". Never , never had I heard my dad yell let alone at me I didn't know if it was the hormones or it was my feeling but I felt a warm tear roll down my cheek before I responded saying "yes sir". Dad sighed saying "Y/n I don't mean to yell but I just , I just don't get it I mean how did this happen how did you too meet I mean I really don't know anything all I know is well I actually don't know anything , where did you meet , when did you start dating , when was your first date , how long have you been hiding the pregnancy". I responded saying "we meet on the first day of kindergarten , he stole my green crayon and he stole my best friend and when he took the last chocolate milk I pushed him. In first grade he poured yellow paint in my shoes , in second grade he cheated off my spelling test and I was the one to get in trouble for it and in third grade I put a rubber spider in his backpack". Dad responded saying "okay that doesn't make any sense that sounds like you hated him" I sighed saying "on the first day of fourth grade when Colleen moved here I went to go sit with her and I noticed that some of the other kids were picking on Steve because over the summer Steve had gotten glasses and I trying to be the better person decided to invite him over to sit with Colleen and I and that's when we became friends , and uh last summer we became a lot closer and on my birthday we decided to start dating and our first date was a picnic in his backyard and I knew for a few days before telling you and mom about the baby cause I wanted to wait until Steve knew" dad nodded saying. "Y/n honey all I wanted were answers so thank you but it still makes no sense I mean that isn't like you to lie or sneak around or do anything wrong I mean why would you do it , why" I responded saying "because I love him". Dad sighed saying "you mean you think you love him" I shook my head saying "no I do , I mean at least I thought I did I mean I loved the old Steve not this new one" dad responded saying "well just think of it this way you get a three day break from having to think about him so let's just enjoy this trip and don't piss off your mother".

Steve's P.O.V

I was walking out of the school with Tommy and Carol in tow , if I was being honest I was really worried about Y/n. I was also getting pretty sick of Tommy and Carol following me around everywhere I mean did they not know what personal space was , I felt a tap on my shoulder before I turned around. Tommy walked away before walking over to Stewart who was leaning down to tie his shoe , Tommy kicked over the pile of books that were beside Stewart before Carol walked over and emptied Stewart's bag on the ground . Stewart then huffed and spoke saying "okay ha ha I get it you two are fricken hilarious okay could you just leave me alone". Tommy chuckled saying "well that wouldn't be much fun would it Carol" she shook her head before Tommy added "you know I don't know why you keep on bugging Steve's girl I mean don't you already have a girlfriend" Carol spoke up saying "please she's probably only sleeping with him so she'll have someone's test to cheat off of in Kaminsky's class" Stewart didn't respond and instead I saw something I hadn't seen from Stewart since the first day of kindergarten. A single tear fell onto Stewart's cheek before he grabbed his stuff and walked away from us.

I walked to my car before Tommy spoke saying "so what are we doing now" I rolled my eyes saying "I'm going to see Y/n , I don't really care what the two of you do". Tommy huffed saying "seriously your going to go hang out with preggers instead of your two best friends" I rolled my eyes again saying "don't call her that again do you hear me" Tommy chuckled saying "I mean seriously dud you'd rather go hang out with her instead of-" I cut him off saying "Jesus Tommy will you just shut up" I huffed before Tommy added "so are we still on for tonight" I shook my head before saying "get your own ride jackass" Tommy frowned before I got into my car before speeding out of the parking lot.

Y/n's P.O.V

I got out of my dad's truck before seeing Nana come down from the front steps as mom walked up to her and spoke saying "happy birthday mom" Nana nodded as my mom added "is dad still with Marissa". Nana nodded saying "he called saying he was going to take her and the kids to lunch" mom sighed before Nana greeted Jeffrey , Katie and dad. She then walked over to me and pulled me into a hug , I normally would've hugged Nana back but I was afraid that would squish the baby. Nana spoke saying "is everything okay sweetie" I nodded before she added "are you sure , I mean there's just something different about you I just can't figure out what it is" Before I could respond mom spoke up saying "mother leave her alone you didn't interrogate Kathrine or Jeffrey so why would you bug her". Nana rolled her eyes saying "Diane do I need to send you to your room , for goodness sake your brother for once is behaving better then you". Mom's jaw feel saying "Jim's here" Nana nodded before saying "alright everyone lets go in the house I have banana bread waiting for you" I closed my mouth tight when Nana brought up bananas since that was something I had noticed was making me sick and just thinking about eating a banana made my breakfast want to make a return. We walked into Nana's house before mom spoke saying "hey mom we show Y/n and I to her room please" Nana spoke up saying "oh is everything okay" mom nodded saying "she's fine she's just been a bit under the weather" Nana responded saying "okay then lets go upstairs and get you all settled then" I nodded before we walked upstairs to my room.

Steve's P.O.V

I pulled into the driveway before seeing my dad's car was in the driveway , I happen to notice another car their but I shrugged that off before walking into the house. I closed the front door before a voice spoke saying "Jennifer is that you" it was my dad calling for my mom , I shook my head before saying "no it's Steve". Dad responded saying "Steven come here" I put my bag down before walking down the hall towards the dinning room where I could only assume my dad was. I walked in before seeing my dad was seated at the table but he wasn't alone my aunt Laura who I hadn't seen since I was seven years old was their as well". Dad spoke again saying "Steven you remember Aunt Laura right" I nodded before he added "Steven would you go upstairs and get your sister please" I silently nodded again before walking out of the dinning room. I walked up to my sisters door before the door opened and David walked out , he spoke saying. "Oh uh hey man I uh we were just studying for uh the you know what I uh gotta get going I'll see you later" David walked past me before I knocked on my sister's door. Polly responded saying "I said leave David" I knocked again before she added "go home Henderson do you not know what the word done means I said were done-" I cut Polly off saying "It's Steve , dad said come downstairs aunt Laura's here". A moment later the door opened with Polly on the other side she spoke saying "the wicked bitch of the west is here" I sighed saying "yeah I mean why do you think she's here" Polly shrugged saying "do you think she knows about Y/n and the baby" I shrugged before Polly and I walked down the stairs.

Polly and I got to the bottom of the stairs before seeing our mom walk thought the front door with a bag of groceries , she spoke saying "hey listen I thought I'd make that casserole you kids like for dinner how's that sound". Polly nodded before saying "are you making it for five" Mom shook her head saying "why is David coming back or-" Polly cut her off saying "Aunt Laura's here". Mom's jaw feel before saying "what does she want" Polly spoke saying "she probably want's more money-" mom cut her off saying "did someone tell her about the baby" Polly and I both shook our heads before mom handed the bag to Polly and spoke saying. "Polly put the groceries away I want to see why she's here" I spoke up saying "what do you want me to do" she responded saying "I want you to shut your mouth about the baby do you understand not one single word about the baby or Y/n got it" I nodded before mom and I walked down the hall.

Y/n's P.O.V

I was upstairs sitting on the bed in the guest bedroom , I was absolutely bored. I couldn't believe my mom made me go upstairs and I couldn't believe that I didn't stand up for myself and tell my Nana that mom was full of shit and that I felt fine , well I did sorta have a headache but I was still upset. I let out a yawn before hearing a knock on the bedroom door , I spoke saying "come in" the door opened with my cousin Marissa on the other side. She spoke saying "are you feeling any better" I nodded before she added "are you up for any visitors" I nodded again before Hannah and Hailey ran in the room. Hannah and Hailey were Marissa's two daughters with her soon to be ex husband Greg , Hannah was eight and Hailey was four and they were absolutely adorable and were really the only experience I have with kids besides the times I had babysat Alex's brothers. Hailey and Hannah both ran into my arms before holding on to me tight , Hannah spoke saying "are you feeling any better Y/n" I nodded saying "much better" Hailey then spoke up saying "Y/n can we go downstairs" I responded saying "sure we can go downstairs" I stood up and followed Marissa and the girls down the stairs.

I walked into my Nana's kitchen to see Nana and Katie sitting at the table , Nana spoke saying "feeling better" I nodded as mom spoke up saying "Mom did Y/n tell you about her writing" Nana shook her head saying "no Diane she just came downstairs , are you still writing Y/n" I nodded saying "yeah I-" Mom cut me off saying "she does and she won a contest on one of her short stories , tell her about that Y/N". I spoke saying "it wasn't a big deal I-" again my mother cut me off saying "oh Y/n don't be silly it's okay to brag a bit" Nana spoke saying "Diane shut up and let her speak , so Y/n tell me about this story you wrote" I responded saying "it was just a short story nothing special about it". Nana responded saying "well it must've been pretty special if you won a contest" I sighed saying "I mean it was one of my favorite ones I had written" Nana nodded saying "see there's my Y/n , so how's school going" I responded saying "good I uh got an A on my algebra test yesterday" Nana spoke saying "oh that's great and how does it feel being sixteen , do you feel different" I sighed saying "uh no nothings different". Marissa spoke saying "are you sure I mean something is new with you" I shook my head as she added "do you have a boyfriend yet" Mom spoke up saying "oh no Y/n isn't allowed to date yet" Nana chuckled saying "Jesus Diane when you were her age you had a different boy in your room every night". My jaw feel before mom added "mother I did not don't you dare tell her that" Nana responded saying "please Diane you and your sister were absolute nightmares , Y/n is an angel compared to her". Mom chuckled saying "oh she's no angel trust me" Nana sighed saying "oh really Diane do tell me how my granddaughter is so awful" mom responded saying. "I just think that sometimes she can have a bit of an attitude" Nana sighed again saying "please Diane you threw a shoe at your husband and your gonna tell me she's got an attitude" Mom scoffed saying. "I was pregnant mother" Nana shook her head saying "Y/n when you get pregnant your aren't allowed to throw a shoe at your husband do you understand" I choked on air before she added "are you okay" Mom spoke up saying "she's fine she's just dramatic that's all" I stood up from the table and spoke saying "I uh I'll be right back" Nana spoke saying "are you okay" I nodded saying "yeah I uh I just need to make a quick phone call" Nana nodded before I walked back up the stairs.

Steve's P.O.V

I was sitting at the dinner table next to Polly when dad spoke saying "so Laura you haven't told me why your here" Aunt Laura responded saying "can't I just visit John I mean when was the last time I saw the kids or uh whatever your wife's name is". Mom rolled here eyes before muttering something under her breath causing Aunt Laura to say "what was that Jenifer" Mom responded saying "I said I didn't see your broom- I mean car" Aunt Laura scoffed saying "didn't you see the convertible in the driveway" Mom nodded saying. "You know Laura I did and I was wondering how you bought that I thought you and Marty split up" Aunt Laura sighed saying "we did and that's my paycheck for giving that ungrateful slob three children". Mom sighed as Aunt Laura added "you know I browsed the calendar and noticed a baby shower next weekend so Jenifer should I say congratulations to you or Polly" Mom scoffed saying "neither , Polly's friend Donna is having a baby" Aunt Laura nodded saying "really she's having two baby showers cause theirs one next weekend and one in November so-" Dad cut aunt Laura off saying "Steven's girlfriend is pregnant" mom choked on her wine and spoke saying "John I thought we-" dad cut mom off saying "why hide it Jenifer in a few months there'll be nothing more to hide" Aunt Laura spoke saying "oh I'd be worried if I were you cause when mother finds out she'll-" Aunt Laura was cut off by the phone in the kitchen ringing causing mom to speak saying "Steve go answer the phone" I stood up before walking into the kitchen. I walked in and grabbed the phone off the wall before I spoke into it saying "hello this is the-" I was cut off by the person on the other end of the phone saying "Steve it's me" it was Y/n. I responded saying "Y/n baby I uh where have you been well I mean where were you , where are you" she sighed saying "I'm in Ohio" I responded saying "I thought you weren't leaving till tomorrow" she sighed again saying "change of plans I'm sorry I didn't tell you but my mom picked me up from school early I'm sorry" I spoke saying "it's okay Y/n , are you okay" she responded saying "no it's awful , my mom bought me all these baggy clothes to hide that I'm gaining weight and I'm not allowed to say anything about you or the baby it's awful I just want to go home". I thought for a moment before I spoke saying "do you want me to come and get you" Y/n huffed saying "could you please" I nodded saying "I'll be their as soon as possible".

After getting off the phone with Y/n I walked back into the dinning room and spoke saying "mom can uh I go out" she shook her head saying "no you may not were having dinner". I sighed saying "mom it's an emergency" mom scoffed saying "what kind of emergency" I responded saying "a Y/n emergency" she sighed saying "be back by curfew" I nodded before grabbing my keys and walking out the house knowing I wouldn't be back by curfew and knowing I'd have to accept that.

Y/n's P.O.V

I was folding up my clothes and packing my bag , I knew it would take a few hours for Steve to get here but I also knew that when he did get their I didn't want to spend another minute here. I place the birthday card I bought for my nana on the dresser before hearing a knock on the door , I spoke saying "come in" the door opened revealing my cousin Marissa's daughter Hannah on the other side she spoke saying. "Are you leaving Y/n" the only thing that made me not want to leave was my cousin Marissa and her daughters , Marissa was like a sister to me and I adored Hannah and Hailey and felt terrible about what they were going through even though I couldn't imagine it I knew it must've felt horrible. I sighed saying "no I was uh just looking for something" I lied and it wasn't like before where I was lying to my parents or to my brother this time it was to someone who didn't deserve it , Hannah was so young she didn't deserve it she didn't deserve her dad leaving she didn't deserve someone to have to move away from her friends and her school and she defiantly didn't deserve me lying to her. Hannah nodded silently before saying "Y/n can I ask you something" I nodded as Hannah added "do you think my dad's gonna come back". I frowned since I didn't know what to do , I didn't want to lie to her again but then again I didn't know the truth I sighed saying "well I uh I don't know Han I mean uh I just don't know" she frowned before I remembered something Joyce always did when I was younger and was upset. I bent down so I'd be able to be at the same level Hannah was before saying "but I do now that you dad loves you very much" Hannah responded saying "he does" I nodded before Hannah spoke again saying "I like your earrings" I responded saying "thanks my boy-" she cut me off saying "you have a boyfriend". Oh shit how did I let that slip , I shook my head saying "well no I mean I-" Hannah cut me off again saying "you do have a boyfriend but why did you say you didn't" I sighed saying. "Hannah it's uh really complicated and there's a lot of grown up stuff evolved" Hannah responded saying "but your not a grownup" she was right I wasn't a grown up , I was a kid and I was still growing up. I still wore care bear pajamas pants and mix matched socks , I would sometimes still watch cartoons and paint my nails only to sit there and chip at the polish. I wasn't a grown up and was nowhere near being one , I still at peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and would still dress up for Halloween and sleep with a nightlight on due to the fact that I hated the dark. Hannah was right I'm not a grown up so why should I act like I am , I sighed saying "can you keep a secret" she nodded before saying "I'm leaving tonight , there's a card on the dresser for Nan's birthday tomorrow". She responded saying "where are you going" I spoke saying "I'm going to have a friend pick me up" Hannah furrowed her brows before saying "for a sleepover" I nodded saying "sure like a sleepover" when I said that Hailey ran in saying "I wanna have sleepover" Hannah shook her head saying "you can't it's a big girl sleepover your a baby" Hailey shook her head saying "I'm not , I'm four now mommy says I'm a big girl" Hannah sighed before Hailey added "I have a sleepover with you Y/n , please" I sighed before looking at the clock saying "you know what after dinner we can have a sleepover how does that sound" Hailey clapped before Hannah , Hailey and I went downstairs for dinner.

I walked into the kitchen before mom spoke saying "oh their you are , we were waiting for you we were just going to have dinner". I responded saying "where's dad" Nana spoke up saying "oh I sent the boys out they should be back in time for desert" I nodded before adding "where's Katie". Mom sighed saying "oh you know how she is , she's been on the phone with Patrick for hours" I nodded again as Marissa spoke saying "so you didn't finish telling us how your birthday was I mean I remember when I was sixteen mom threw me a huge party , Aunt Diane did you throw Y/n a party" mom shook her head saying "actually Y/n didn't want a party" Nana frowned saying "why didn't you want a party Y/n" I shrugged before Nana added "after dinner Y/n I'd like to talk to you , and before you say anything Diane I want to talk to just Y/n Mom sighed before we walked into the dinning room for dinner.

Halfway through dinner Nana spoke saying "your not hungry Y/n" I shook my head silently before Nana added "what is up with you , your never this quiet is something wrong" I shook my head this time saying. "No" Nana sighed saying "so you don't have a boyfriend but are their any boys you like" before I could respond Hannah let out a small giggle causing Marissa to speak up saying "what is so funny" Hannah shook her head before Marissa added "Hannah Elizabeth what is so funny" Hannah shook her head saying "nothing". Nana sighed saying "that's it everyone is so quiet I cannot stand it what are you all hiding I mean what are you planning a surprise party or something , what is it why is everyone so quiet". Nobody responded before Nana added "I do not like secrets so what is it" Marissa spoke up saying "I'm pregnant" Mom and Nana's jaws dropped and mine did as well however the girls had no reaction which meant they already knew , maybe Hannah was right maybe she was actually good with secrets. Marissa spoke again saying "I uh I've been starting to see someone and uh were excited , Greg doesn't know yet but after next month I never have to speak to him again". Mom sighed before Nana spoke saying "oh well uh congratulations dear have you told your mother yet" Marissa shook her head before Nana added "I mean this is the second shocker I've heard today" Marissa responded saying "what was the first" Nana spoke saying "Hannah why don't you and Hailey go upstairs and get your jammies on and Nana will bring you some cookies". Hannah and Hailey nodded before running out of the dinning room before Nana added "I was at the store today and I ran into Mrs. Copper who's still in Hawkins I guess she's visiting her son but anyways she told me that Jenifer Harrington's son got some poor girl pregnant". I choked on my water before Nana spoke again saying "can you believe that , I mean Y/n you probably go to school with her" Marissa spoke up saying "do you know who it is Y/n" I silently shook my head before saying "you know what I promised Hannah I'd go upstairs with them uh dinner was great Nana". She responded saying "but you hardly ate" I ignored Nana's words before walking back upstairs , I walked into the room I was staying in before changing into my pajama's. I was sitting on the bed after I got changed when the door opened with Hannah on the other side she walked in with a plate with a few cookies on it before taking a seat on the bed next to me. She handed me a cookie before I took it , I began to eat the cookie before Hannah spoke saying "Y/n can I ask you something" I nodded before she added "why does your tummy look like my moms" I looked down before realizing my small baby bump well not really baby bump but the weight that I had so far gained stuck out in the sweater I was wearing. I again felt bad lying to Hannah but I knew I couldn't tell her the truth , I responded saying "oh well uh I'm just gaining weight" Hannah nodded saying "why" I shrugged saying "it's not really something I can control" she nodded again saying "well you could stop eating cookies". I knew Hannah was just a kid and kids could say things they didn't mean or didn't understand but of course my pregnancy hormones didn't , I felt tears prick my eyes before I felt a single tear fall onto my cheek. Hannah spoke up again saying "I'm sorry Y/n" I wiped the tear before shaking my head saying "it's okay" as Hannah and I were finishing the plate of cookies Hailey ran in the room and jumped onto the bed and into my arms. I spoke saying "are you okay" she shook her head before sitting on the bed and trying to hide under the covers as I added "Hailey what's wrong" she responded saying "I'm scared". Hannah shook her head saying "she's scared of everything" Hailey came from underneath the covers and spoke saying "I am not" Hannah nodded saying "yes you are your scared of the dark , your scared of the closet and your own shadow she's such a baby Y/n she has to sleep with a nightlight on". I responded saying "you know Hailey I still have to sleep with a nightlight" Hannah gasped saying "you do" I nodded as she added "but nightlights are for baby's" I shook my head saying "no sometimes big girls still need a nightlight but what are you scared of now Hailey". Hailey responded saying "a noise" I nodded saying "okay and where is this noise coming from" Hailey responded again saying "the window" I nodded again saying "okay what does it sound like" Hailey spoke saying "a tapping". I thought for a minute before realizing the noise might not be a tapping but the sound of a pebble being thrown at the window , I sighed before saying "you know what why don't you girls stay here and I'll go check out the noise" Hailey shook her head saying "but what about the monster" I shook my head saying "I'll be okay I promise" Hailey spoke again saying "do you want my bear incase you get scarred" I shook my head before grabbing my jacket and walking out of the room.

I walked downstairs before hearing a voice "hey their she is" it was grandfather. He spoke again saying "are the girls upstairs" I nodded before he added "well then come sit with us I haven't seen you yet" I shook my head saying "I was uh just gonna go outside for a second and get some air". My dad walked in the room saying "oh I wouldn't do that it's awfully chilly out their" I shook my head saying "I'll be fine I-" my dad cut me off saying "I said no Y/n" I huffed before my dad pulled me aside into the living room. "Y/n" he said before adding "what's going on Nana said you were being quiet at dinner" I shook my head saying "it's nothing I just want to be left alone for a few minutes okay" he nodded saying "okay but take my Jacket you'll freeze with that one" I sighed before taking my dads jacket.

Steve's P.O.V

I had gotten to the house five minutes ago , I parked my car down the street so nobody would see my car in the driveway. I had been throwing pebbles at the window and still got no answer from Y/n and honestly I was getting tired of throwing and not to mention I was running out of pebbles. I sighed before the hearing the back open and shut , Y/n walked out before saying "what are you doing" I responded saying "I was trying to let you know I was here besides what did you want me to do knock on the front door and say surprise I'm the guy who got your granddaughter pregnant" she shushed me before saying "keep your voice down okay nobody knows about that and you scarred the shit out of my cousin" I sighed before saying "now is that the way we greet the person who's rescuing you from this hellhole". Y/n rolled her eyes before saying "about that I uh I-" I cut Y/n off saying "and now you wanna stay" Y/n silently nodded before saying "I'm sorry I just I can't-" I cut her off again saying "Y/n what do you want me to do I drove all the way out here and now you want to stay" she nodded again before I added "well I uh brought you something but you gotta come with me" Y/n sighed saying "what is it" I chuckled saying "it's a surprise come with me" she responded saying "okay well I'm barefoot so how long is it going to take for us to get their" I didn't respond and instead lifting Y/n up causing her to gasp saying "what are you doing" I responded saying "holding the whole world in my arms" Y/n rolled her eyes saying "are you saying that because of how big I'm getting" I shook my head saying. "No I'm saying that because you and this baby are my whole world" Y/n pecked my lips before saying "I love you" I responded saying "I love you too".

Y/n's P.O.V

We got to Steve's car before he put me down and spoke saying "alright get in" I shook my head saying "were not going home I-" Steve cut me off saying "will you calm down were not going home it's just the surprise is in the car" I sighed before getting into the passenger seat if the car. After Steve and I got in the car I spoke saying "okay what's the surprise" he responded saying "look in the backseat" I turned before seeing that their was now a car seat in the backseat of Steve's car. He spoke saying "I know I've been kinda shitty about this whole baby thing but I'm serious I want to have this baby with you and I want to be their for the two of you and on Monday I'll skip practice and take you too the doctors and we can go see our baby together and- and your crying why are you crying I thought-" I cut Steve of saying "these are happy tears , I'm happy" Steve responded saying "well I'm happy if your happy" I pecked his lips before he added "and I brought you something else" Steve reached into the backseat before he spoke saying "close your eyes" I sighed before closing my eyes again , Steve spoke again saying "open them" I opened them to see that Steve had brought the picture of the baby that I had kept on my nightstand back at home. I spoke saying "how did you-" he cut me off saying "there's a key under the mat , I went back for my socks but when I saw this I thought you'd miss it" I nodded before pecking his lips agian before saying "could you stay" he responded saying "well I was supposed to be home for curfew which was an hour ago but I guess I could stay" I nodded saying "just go stand underneath the front window I'll let you know when to come up" I pecked his lips again before exiting the car.

I walked back in the house before I felt my arm get pulled , it was mom she spoke saying "where have you been" I responded saying "I just went to take a little walk" she sighed saying "well uh the grownups are speaking so uh go upstairs please we'll talk in the morning". I nodded before walking up the stairs , I walked into the room I was staying in before seeing that Hannah and Hailey weren't their. "Oh their you are" I turned to see Marissa in the doorway she spoke agian saying "the girls said you would tuck them in" I nodded before she added "uh Y/n do you mind me asking who that in the car with you" I sighed saying "I uh it was just a friend" she nodded before saying "Y/n are you being like this to me because this is how I treated you when I was your age" I shook my head saying "no it's just there's uh I uh I can't tell you" Marissa responded saying. "Y/n you used to tell me everything , I mean now your all quiet your not even talking to Nana , did something happen are you okay" I responded saying "I'm fine I've just I'm fine" Marissa nodded before walking out of the room. I felt bad lying to Marissa , growing up I always looked up to her but I knew I couldn't tell her I just couldn't. I walked across the hall to the room the girls were staying in before Hailey ran up to me saying "Y/n the noise is gone , you made it go away" Hannah spoke up saying "what was that noise Y/n" I shook my head saying "it was uh just the wind" she nodded before I took a seat on the bed before Hailey crawled up on my lap she spoke saying "I love your necklace" I thanked her before she got up to get a closer look at it before Hannah spoke saying "it's very plain" I responded saying "I need to get a charm for it , what do you think I should get" before Hannah could respond Hailey spoke saying "you have really pretty hair Y/n" I responded saying "thank you but you know what I think your hair is much prettier" Hailey spoke again saying "what's this". Oh no , Hannah sat up before saying "you have a tattoo" damnit I forgot about that , about a year ago for some dumb reason my brother convinced me to go to a party with him and before I knew it some senior was giving out tattoos and I was the first in line , it was nothing major it was just Steve's name but I absolutely loved having that tattoo , the idea that the person I loved most name would be their forever and the idea of my parents not knowing was even better but I had become so happy with my first tattoo that I had gotten a second one , it was too just a cross on hip but I loved that one too but I didn't imagine that I'd be sixteen and have three tattoos , the third one I had gotten a few weeks before the lake trip which was a crescent moon on my ankle it was also a small tattoo since I wasn't ready for a larger one just yet since the pain from the first two was a bit to much for me. I spoke saying "oh no it's just a-" Hannah cut me off saying "who's Steve , is that your boyfriend" I shook my head before Marissa knocked on the door saying "okay girls time for bed tell Y/n goodnight" Hannah sighed saying "please mom can we stay up a little longer" Marissa shook her head saying "I'm sorry girls it's bedtime I let you stay up a whole extra hour , you'll see Y/n in the morning". Hailey spoke saying "mama can Y/n read us a bedtime story" Marissa sighed saying "okay you girls can read one story and then it's time for bed okay" Hannah and Hailey both nodded before Marissa left.

Steve's P.O.V

I had been waiting for Y/n for a few minutes now and if I was being honest after the day at school , practice and the drive here I was tired and just wanted to crawl in bed and go to sleep. I looked around before seeing a trash can next to the house , I stood on it before climbing to the window Y/n told me to wait by , I opened it before going into the room before shutting the bedroom door as quiet as I could. I peeled my jacket off before tossing off my shoes , I heard a knock on the door before hearing a voice say "Y/n , Y/n are you in here it's Uncle Jim your mom wanted me to come and get you" oh shit , I grabbed shoes before looking around to find somewhere to hide. I couldn't go out the window , I thought about going under the bed that was until I saw the closet door was open , I ran in before shutting the closet door. It was when I heard the bedroom door open when I knew this was a bad idea , I wasn't being judgmental and I didn't wanna assume anything but I was pretty sure that Y/n's grandmother was nothing like mine since this closet was full of dust and I knew my allergies were gonna get to me , I felt a sneeze brew before I covered my mouth thankfully that sneeze went away. I sighed in relief before it happened I sneezed , a moment or so later the closet door open with Chief Hopper on the other side , oh shit I didn't know he was Y/n's Uncle. He spoke saying "may I ask what your doing in here" I responded saying "Oh I uh must've gotten lost I-" Chief Hopper cut me off saying "oh your going to be lost Harrington" he grabbed my arm before pulling me out of the closet and out of the bedroom , we walked downstairs before he spoke saying "Diane may I see you for a moment" oh shit not Y/n's mom , damnit I knew I should've waited for Y/n. "Jim I am trying to enjoy my trip and oh I uh-" Hopper cut of Mrs. Yl/n before saying "uh Diane do you want to tell me what's going on" she spoke saying "well I uh don't know who-" Hopper cut her off again saying "you don't know who this is" she sighed saying "where's Y/n" Hopper responded saying "upstairs" Mrs. Y/ln sighed saying "you can come with me and Jim don't you dare tell anyone he was here or so help me god I'll tell mom and dad about Chrissy Carpenter" Hopper let go of my arm before I followed Mrs. Yl/n upstairs.

Y/n's P.O.V

I was sitting with Hailey and Hannah , the story we were reading was almost done before I heard a knock on the bedroom door the door opened with my mother on the other side. She spoke saying "Y/n can I speak with you" I responded saying "were almost done-" mom cut me off saying "now please" I sighed before she added "Hailey , Hannah tell Y/n goodnight". After saying goodnight to the girls I followed mom out of the room , she didn't way a word before gesturing me to go into my room. I opened the door before seeing Steve sitting on the bed , I sighed before mom spoke saying "sit down" I took the seat next to Steve before saying "mom I can-" mom cut me off saying "enough Y/n I'm talking , here's what's going to happen he can stay here tonight but the minute the sun is up he's out of here do you understand and no leaving this room and no funny business either and when he goes Y/n you and I are having a talk". I silently nodded before mom walked out of the room shutting the door , I sighed before Steve spoke saying "Y/n I'm so sorry I just-" I cut Steve off saying "I don't care , all that I care about is your here" I leaned my head on Steve's shoulder before adding "and tomorrow when you go I'll go with you" Steve responded saying "but I thought-" I cut Steve off again saying. "I don't want to be here if I'm not allowed to talk about the baby or you" Steve sighed saying "why don't you just tell them I mean screw your mom who cares what she thinks". I responded saying "I do okay I need my mom right now okay I'm scared I've never done this before I don't want to disappoint her even more then I already have" Steve frowned saying "so do you want this then" I sighed saying "I do it's just what if something happens between us and I have to do this on my own , if I have to do this on my own-" Steve cut me off saying "wait why are you talking about us breaking up , do you wanna break up". I shook my head saying "no I don't it's just what if that happens" Steve responded saying "Y/n that's not going to happen okay lets take this one step at a time" I nodded before placing my head back on Steve's shoulder.

A few hours later I was laying in bed , this has never happened to me before I was having trouble sleeping. Steve of course fell asleep the second his head hit the pillow and of all the things to be jealous of I was extremely jealous that Steve was sleeping peacefully. Another thing that was bothering me was my stomach hurt and it wasn't cramps or anything it was the outside of my stomach that hurt , I knew I probably shouldn't have done it but I could help but scratch the itch. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the light before lifting up my shirt to see that my pudgy stomach was all red , I sighed before seeing their were a few red spots on my stomach. I walked out of the bathroom before walking out of the room , I thought If I had a glass of water I could go back to bed and be fine. I walked past Marissa's room before seeing the light was still on , I knew it was late really late but I didn't know why Marissa would still be up. I knocked on the door before hearing Marissa say "come in" I opened the door before seeing Marissa was sitting up with a box she spoke saying "is everything okay" I shut the door before saying "uh Marissa can I tell you something" she nodded before I spoke saying "I uh I have this rash" I lifted my shirt a bit to show Marissa the rash before I added "I uh don't really know what to do". She responded saying "well uh when did you notice it" I spoke saying "a few hours ago" Marissa nodded saying " well do you know what caused it , I mean do you have any allergies or-" I cut Marissa off saying "I'm pregnant". Oh shit I did not mean for that to come out. Marissa's jaw feel before saying "oh I uh I uh congrats I guess I um you know what when I was pregnant with the girls I had this so it's a pretty common thing you don’t need to worry" I nodded before she added " but I'll uh see if Nana has any aloe" Marissa walked out of the room before I followed , we went downstairs to see Nana in the kitchen she spoke saying. "Hi girls is everything okay" Marissa spoke saying " Uh Nan do you have any uh aloe" Nana responded saying "I think I do in the medicine cabinet why is everything okay Marissa" she nodded before Nana added "oh okay and uh why do you need aloe" Marissa spoke saying "well uh you see-" I cut Marissa off saying "the aloe is for me Nana" Nana responded saying "is something wrong Y/n" I sighed saying "well uh I wouldn't say somethings wrong but I um I'm uh I'm pregnant". Nana's face fell before saying "oh Y/n I uh what uh when did this happen , I mean when did you find out" I responded saying "a few weeks ago" she sighed saying "well uh what are you-" I cut Nana off saying "I'm keeping it" she nodded saying "well uh not that this is any of my business but is the uh father around" I nodded before she added "okay uh then that's good I'll uh get you some aloe and get you situated in your room" I responded saying "no you can't go in my room" Nana responded saying "why not" I sighed saying "you uh can't tell mom I told you but the uh or my uh my boyfriend is upstairs" Nana and Marissa's jaws both fell before they both walked towards the stairs , I followed Nana and Marissa upstairs before Marissa opened my bedroom door and looked in before saying "are you sure about that" I looked in the room to see that the bed was empty but Steve's jacket was still on the chair besides the bed. Nana spoke saying "well that's disappointing" Nana then walked away before Marissa spoke saying "so who else knows about the baby" I responded saying "my parents , my friends , his parents , Katie and Jeffrey and the whole town of Hawkins" she sighed saying. "Word travels fast" I nodded before she added "huh see that's why I had to get out of their it was too small minded to much gossip , so how is everything with the baby" before I could respond a voice spoke up saying "Y/n's having a baby". It was Hannah , Marissa sighed before saying "Hannah Elizabeth go to bed young lady it's too late for you too be up" Hannah ignored her words before saying "Y/n's having a baby" Marissa sighed saying "keep your voice down before you wake your sister" Hannah nodded before Marissa added "and you cannot , cannot tell anyone okay now go back to bed so Y/n and I can have big girl talk". Hannah responded saying "can I stay up please mom , I ate all my vegetables at dinner and I did my homework please" Marissa sighed saying "go wait in my room" Hannah nodded before running into Marissa's room just as Nana was walking back in. She handed me the tube of aloe before saying "so what is this for again" Marissa responded saying "she's got a rash on her stomach" Nana gasped saying "oh I had that when I was pregnant it was absolute the worse , you know some say that only happens when you pregnant with twins". My jaw feel since the idea of having two babies absolutely frightened me before Marissa spoke saying "it's okay Y/n Nana's trying to stir trouble I had it when I was pregnant with both of the girls" Nana huffed saying "god you two used to be so fun oh and uh tomorrow Y/n when you get up and ready I'd like to speak with you" I nodded before saying goodnight to Nana.

After Nana went to bed I walked back into my bedroom to put the aloe on and try to relieve some of this pain on my stomach , the bathroom door opened revealing Steve on the other side he yawned before saying "their you are , are you okay" I nodded before he added "what's that" he then gestured to the tube of aloe before I spoke saying. "Oh it uh aloe" he furrowed his brows before I added "I have a rash on my stomach" I turned the light switch on before lifting my shirt to show Steve the rash. He spoke saying "holy shit are you uh are you oaky" I nodded saying "Nana and Marissa both told me it was pretty common so I guess but I'll ask Dr. Ryan on Monday" Steve nodded leaning down to place a kiss on my bare stomach. There was a knock on the door before it opened reveling Marissa on the other side she spoke saying "hey uh once your all situated could you come talk to me for a second" I nodded before she closed the door. Steve spoke saying "wait a minute she knows" I nodded saying "I had to ask about the rash so yes her and Nana know" Steve nodded before pecking my lips and walking back to the bed.

After I put the aloe on my stomach the urge to itch it had gone down it wasn't like magic but it was pretty mind blowing that something so simple could help so much. I knocked on the Marissa's bedroom door before hearing a voice say "come in" I opened the bedroom door before seeing Marissa sitting on her bed with Hannah. Marissa spoke saying "so is uh that the dad" I nodded silently before Hannah spoke up saying "Mommy how is Y/n having a baby , you said only grownups could have babies". Marissa responded saying "well uh Y/n is having a magic baby so she doesn't need to be a grown up" Hannah gasped before saying "are you having a boy baby or a girl baby" I took the seat next to her before saying. "I uh don't know yet" Hannah responded saying "well you need to have a boy baby their are too many girls here" Marissa and I chuckled before Marissa spoke saying "so are you having a baby shower" I nodded saying "I'm having one on the thirtieth" she gasped saying "that's next weekend" I nodded again before she added "would you uh would you mind if the girls and I came too it" I shook my head saying "no not at all I would love that" Marissa nodded saying "great so uh what do need for the baby I mean like what do you already have" I responded saying "I have some clothes like a few outfits and some hats and uh mobile , a swing and a car seat for them" she nodded before saying "have you figured out what your going to do for like the nursery" I shrugged since I had yet to think of that. I mean since Katie and I share a room I don't know where I'd put a crib or whatever else goes in a nursery but I only had six more months to figure that out and my baby shower would be next weekend and I knew I'd get gifts I just didn't know where they'd go yet. Marissa spoke again saying "do you have any names that you like" I nodded saying "a few but I'm gonna wait till decide till their here before making the final decision" Marissa nodded before adding "speaking of names what's uh that guys name" I responded saying "his names Steve" Hannah spoke up saying "like the tattoo" Marissa gasped saying " what tattoo" Hannah responded saying "Y/n has a tattoo Mommy didn't you know that" Marissa shook her head saying "you know what I'm starting to think there's a lot of things I don't know about Y/n but you know what next weekend you and I are going to go out like we used to , we can go shopping and get lunch" I nodded before she added "and you know what else I have some of my old maternity clothes in my closet I can bring them by next weekend". I responded saying "but aren't you going to need those" Marissa shook her head saying "I'm only in my second month I won't be needing them for a while and if your having a baby shower next weekend I'm guessing your farther along then I am". I nodded before she added "so how exactly far along are you" I responded saying "I'll be four months in the middle of October" she nodded saying "so a march baby it's a shame they won't be born in February we have a lot of March birthdays in this family but do you have a doctor yet" I responded saying "yeah I've been seeing Dr. Ryan" Marissa gasped saying. "I had her when I was pregnant with the girls , she's really sweet isn't she" I nodded before she added " so how is uh Steve handling all of this" I responded saying "okay I mean in the beginning he was kinda cold about it but he hangs out with these people that are uh kinda nasty so-" Marissa cut me off saying "so he's nasty to you" I nodded saying "sometimes and sometimes he can be good and other times not so much" Marissa responded saying "well if he's no good to you then you don't need him I've learned that lesson the hard way" I nodded before Marissa spoke saying "well Hannah I think it's time you went to bed" she sighed saying "but mommy" Marissa responded saying "no Hannah it's bedtime , I'm going to bed , Y/n's going to bed and you need to go to bed too so say goodnight to Y/n" Hannah frowned before saying goodnight to Marissa and I.

After saying goodnight to Marissa , I walked out of her mom. The idea of going back to sleep after our talk defiantly wasn't an option. I knew Marissa didn't mean to overwhelm me but I defiantly did get overwhelmed I mean I had nothing figured out I didn't have any baby names I was considering I just said that so I wouldn't look stupid , I hadn't figured anything out and I only had six months and I had a feeling that six months would go by really quick. I grabbed the writing book I had thrown in my suitcase last minute before sitting up in bed , I began writing things down that I needed to have done before the baby got here before hearing "Y/n" I looked down to see that Steve had woken up. I ran my fingers through his hair before he added "what are you doing" I responded saying "I'm just making a list , go back to sleep". Steve huffed saying "a list of what" I responded again saying "of what needs to get done before the baby's here" Steve sat up before he added "Y/n do we really need to do this right now" I nodded saying "Steve we have six months and that'll go by really fast and before you know it will have a baby that we'll have no clue how to take care off" Steve muttered something under his breath before I added "what" he responded saying "your really overthinking this". I sighed saying "it's having a baby how do you overthink having a baby" Steve rubbed my leg before saying "Y/n relax okay by the time March comes around you'll have it figured out" I responded saying "I'll have it figured out what about you" he sighed saying. "Well uh I mean your the women so-" I cut Steve off saying "excuse me" he responded saying "Y/n that's how it works you take care of the baby all day-" I cut Steve off again saying "wait , wait a minute what about school" Steve shrugged saying "oh I thought you were gonna drop out". I huffed saying "no I'm not I'm not dropping out okay , god we are so screwed" I put the book down before putting my head in my hands , Steve put his arm around me before saying "it's going to be okay" I looked up at him before shaking my head saying "no it's not I mean we don't have a crib or any names picked out , we don't have clothes-" Steve cut me off saying. "Y/n you got stuff for your birthday" I sighed saying "Steve that's not enough that's a few outfits the baby could probabaly go through them in an hour" he sighed saying "you need to relax okay and besides the name thing is already figured out". I scoffed saying "so you have names you like" he nodded before I added "oh really and none of them happen to be you name" Steve nodded again before saying. "Yeah I have a few that I like I just didn't wanna bug you" I responded saying "oh , like what" Steve sighed before saying "well first if it's a boy the middle name has to be Michael-" I cut Steve off saying. "Steve I just said it can't be your name and middle name counts too" Steve huffed saying "Y/n could you just listen to me okay , Every first Harrington Man of each generation has had the middle name Michael , it's my middle name , my dads , my grandfathers okay I just huh it's a family thing okay but if you don't like it that's fine". I leaned my head on Steve's shoulder before saying "I'm sorry I didn't know that okay so now that we have a middle name picked out for a boy we need a first name and we need girl names too" Steve responded saying "okay uh I've always like the name Ethan" I nodded before he added "or uh Wyatt" I nodded again before saying "well what about their last name , I mean do you want them to have your last name or mine". Steve responded saying "well I was kinda hoping they'd have my last name but I guess you can decide that" I nodded saying before he added "are their any names you like" I nodded again saying "I like Julia or Toby or Andrew-" Steve cut me off saying "no Andrew , no Andrew no Andy none of that I cannot stand that name" I rolled my eyes before he added "okay so we have some ideas that's a good start and the baby shower is next weekend so you'll probably get stuff then but if your not happy with that then we can uh go out and drive to the outlet mall and get some stuff their" I nodded silently before letting out a yawn and starting to feel my eyes flutter shut before falling asleep.

I woke up and turned to see the sunlight was pouring into the room , I felt Steve pull me closer before hearing him say "good morning". I responded saying "morning" before he added "I uh I guess I should get going" I responded again saying "I wish you could stay" I turned before snuggling into the crook of his neck before he nodded saying "I wish I could too" I pulled him closer before he added "I uh was gonna take a quick shower before I go" I nodded before Steve pulled away and walked into the bathroom. I felt tears prick my eyes before the bedroom door opened , I wiped my tears before Hannah and Hailey walked in. Hannah spoke up saying "are you okay Y/n" I wiped my tears again before she took a seat on the foot of the bed and spoke again saying "are you sure your okay". No I wasn't okay I knew I wasn't for god sakes an eight year old could tell I wasn't okay before I could respond mom walked in the doorway before saying "Hannah , Hailey could you go please , Y/n and I need to talk". Hannah and Hailey nodded before walking out of the room , mom closed the door before saying "you told my mother , not only that but you told Marissa and Hannah how could you do that , I asked you to do one thing and you couldn't even do that how are you going to raise a baby if you couldn't even do what I asked. I mean all you had to do was go three whole days without talking about the baby and you couldn't go four hours without calling that idiot. I'm not doing this right now , I won't argue with you Y/n okay so your going to leave and go home and when we get back were going to talk about this because I don't care if your going to have a baby but your still my daughter and I want what's best for you and if you want to believe that or not is up to you but know that I love you Y/n". I felt more tears fall down my cheeks before mom walked out of the room , I wiped the tears before hearing a voice say "Y/n" I looked over to see Steve walking out of the bathroom before he added "are you okay" I responded saying "I uh I'm going home with you". Steve shook his head saying "no Y/n you don't have too do that-" I cut Steve off saying "it's not really a choice Steve" he didn't respond and instead nodded silently.

"Y/n were here" I didn't even realize we had pulled into the driveway of my house before Steve added "do you want me to come inside , we can uh watch a movie or something you know just hang out" . I silently shook my head before Steve sighed saying "Y/n come on talk to me you haven't said anything since we left" I responded saying "I just wanna be alone for a little bit" Steve spoke saying "are you sure" I nodded again before walking out of the car. I opened the front door before tossing off my shoes and walking up the stairs as I wiped my tears. I walked into my room before I collapsed on my bed not caring if I made it before leaving for Nana's.

Steve's P.O.V

I walked through the front door before seeing mom come down the stairs , she walked up to me before pulling me into a hug saying. "Where the hell have you been young man , oh my god you scared me" I sighed before she added "was everything okay with Y/n , what was the emergency". I huffed before she spoke again saying "there wasn't an emergency was their" I shook my head before she added "I want your car keys do you understand your grounded" I sighed saying "but mom I-" mom cut me off saying "no buts Steven you lied to me your grounded bring me your car keys and go upstairs". I huffed again saying "no you can't do this I have to take Y/N to the doctors tomorrow-" mom cut me off again saying "nope sorry no more using her as an excuse I told you not to stay out past curfew" I rolled my eyes before saying "but you let me stay out late on Thursday" mom responded saying "that was different". I shook my head saying "oh really , how was that different" mom huffed saying "I am the grown up I don't have to explain things to you now go upstairs your grounded". I shook my head again saying "sorry you can't ground me any more I'm having a baby so-" mom cut me off saying "oh no you don't get to use the baby excuse anymore either now I will not tell you again go upstairs now" I huffed before storming up the stairs and walking into my bedroom before slamming the door.

Steve's P.O.V

I was laying in my bed biting my nails I hadn't been grounded since I was ten and that wasn't even my fault well it kinda was since I was the one who spilt paint in the garage then blamed my sister. I sighed before hearing a knock on my bedroom door , Polly walked in before saying "heard your little meltdown earlier" I rolled my eyes before she added "do you uh want a Midol before dinner" I responded saying "go away I'm not interested". Polly frowned before saying "god what , what happened to you Steve you used to be so fun and now your just awful" I huffed saying "god Polly go away isn't their someone else you can bug how about David why don't you bug him". Polly frowned saying "we uh we broke up" I scoffed saying "oh what happened he woke up and realized he was dating you I mean my god you have no personality your just plain awful" Polly sighed saying. "Actually I found out he was cheating on me with Lizzie Phillips" Polly then walked out of my room before shutting my door. I felt bad , I actually did I mean sure my sister and I fought and we picked on each other and called each other names but it was never like that but I knew she'd eventfully get over herself.

Y/n's P.O.V

I sat in my bed and just cried , I cried so much I didn't think I'd be able to anymore but I could , I just cried since I didn't know what else to do. I heard the phone ring but I just ignored it , I didn't want to talk I wanted to cry until I felt it that same familiar flutter I had been feeling lately. That's when I knew , I knew I had to get up that I had to do something I stood up before walking over to the pile of presents from yesterday and pulled out that pregnant book since I was tired of feeling clueless about what was going on with my own body. I tossed it on my bed before bringing the other presents over after everything was on my bed I grabbed the notebook out of my bag before going through my list. I was folding the outfits that I had gotten for the baby , I couldn't believe it I couldn't believe that in six months that I'd have a baby wearing these clothes . After I folded the clothes I tried thinking of some place I could put these , I sighed before realizing the only place I had was my writing table I walked over before removing what was on the table. I sat on the floor besides it and just started putting everything in a pile , my thoughts were interrupted by hearing a voice say "Y/n" I looked over to see Stewart standing in the doorway he spoke again saying "your uh dad called and said you were home" I nodded silently before he added "what are you doing , are those you stories" I responded saying "Stewart do you think they call them dreams because you eventually wake up and realize that's what they are something that'll never happen". Stewart shrugged before walking over and taking a seat besides me saying "what do you mean" I responded again saying "I'm quitting writing , I have other things that matter more so I'm throwing it all out". Stewart shook his head saying "no Y/n you can't do that I mean one day don't you want to able to show your child that you wrote something , something important that no matter what happened that you went after your dreams that you did something". I sighed saying "no Stewart I don't wanna talk about I'm dropping out of school and I'm quitting writing" Stewart shook his head before saying "Y/n you can't do that , you cannot drop out of school and you can't stop writing" I rolled my eyes before Stewart moved closer and spoke saying "Y/n look at me" I sighed before Stewart put my head in his hands before I realized how close Stewart and I were. I don't think we've ever been this close , he spoke again saying "Y/n you can't give up on writing and you can't quit school" I sighed before saying "but Steve said-" Stewart cut me off by pressing his lips against mine and that's when it clicked that I was kissing Stewart.

Taglist @queenofthehairharrington @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @charmed-asylum @wolfish-willow @harringtown @nxncywheeler @art-flirt @khiaraaa-in-spacee @evemarie05

#steve harrington x reader #steve harrington au #steve harrington imagine

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