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matsumi101 · 4 years

Text

Who is this Kid?

Crossdressing Fem!Reader Hamilton Insert

Secret

Description:

General Washington has been relentlessly receiving letters one after another that has been requesting two same things over and over again. It’s high time he confronts the writer directly about it, and maybe clear something that he’s been hearing around while he’s at it.

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Warnings: swearing, drinking

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Notes:

> Masterlist

> Read from the beginning.

> “F/N” means fake name and “Y/N” means your real first name

> I don’t think I warned y’all before but I wasn’t really planning on writing chronologically. I’m not sorry lmao

> Surprise Wednesday update! I’ve been reading the rb tags and the replies you guys keep leaving in my story and honestly it makes my heart go 💞 aaa ily guys sm and im glad you’re enjoying the story 🥺🥺🥺

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Taglist (if u wanna be added do tell!)

@thebitchiestnerdtowalktheearth @cutie1365 @girlmadeofivory @i-honestly-dont-know-anymore @takemyhand-bitch @hamiltrashqueer

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“Hey, Juggernaut.”

You adjusted your coat before pulling your tent open. “Yo,” you greeted quietly to the soldier waiting in front of your tent. “General Washington calls for you,” he informed you. You nodded and ducked out of your tent, not wanting to wait another second to know what your superior wanted to talk about. You walked at a brisk pace, never stopping until you were now in front of the tent that was noticeably larger than the rest.

You swallowed thickly, millions of possibilities running in your head to as why you were called. A big part of you hoped that it was with regards to your plans, though there was a smaller bit of you that feared that it might be of something else. Not wanting to keep yourself on edge any further, you pushed the tent open and let yourself in.

"Your excellency, sir. You asked to see me?"

You readily saluted at the presence of not only George Washington but the aide-de-camps and officers that were with him as well. They circled a table, where a map and a few mock pieces were laid out for them to view and move around. While John and Lafayette's eyes twinkled with recognition, the others simply stared at your arrival. "Private F/N L/N?" George assumed. He motioned you to be at ease, which you silently obeyed.

"Yes, sir," you confirmed with a steady voice.

George quickly dismissed the rest of the people out of the tent, the only ones remaining were you, him, and Alexander who was busy writing something at his desk at the corner. “I’ve been reading your letters,” George began, moving to get something from his main desk. You immediately tensed as he pulled out a small stack of envelopes underneath. You kept your lips sealed, waiting for the General’s input on your requests.

“You’ve been asking to have the same thing approved for years now,” he began, “and recently, you’re asking for a rather unique position in your unit, correct?”

“Yes, sir.”

From the corner of your eyes you could see Alexander perk up slightly at the conversation. He subtly glanced up from his work, his eyes falling on George as the general picked up an open letter that had been lying on his desk. “Let’s talk about the first one,” George announced. “I’ve noticed there was a slight change with your offer.” You licked the bottom of your lips out of nervousness, fiddling with your hands behind you.

“Unfortunately, even I can’t agree to it.”

“If I may sir, why not?”

George looked up from the letter to you. “Women cannot be paid to study, son,” he explained plainly. You tilted your head the slightest, confusion from his statement evident. “Sir, I do not seek for women to be paid to be taught basic medicinal procedures,” you murmured, and that was enough for George to mirror your expression.

“That doesn’t seem to be the message I’m getting from your letter, L/N.”

You opened your mouth to counter, but when a vague memory hit you like a punch in the gut, you couldn’t help but to smack your forehead in realization. “Shit, I am so sorry,” you apologized, the annoyance woven in your voice directed to yourself more than anything. George furrowed his brows at your sudden drop of formality, noticing how you were cursing under your breath as you returned to position.

“I must’ve sent you my draft letter instead of the actual one. The pay that I mentioned in the letter refers to the pay of the nurses, not the education that I wish to be provided to them.”

Your face turned to more of an embarrassed one. “I... might’ve written this late at night so my thoughts merged while I was writing,” you confessed, looking down at the ground. “I apologize for causing a misunderstanding. Writing... has never really been my best suit.” You could feel the back of your neck heat up with embarrassment, and the blood was slowly creeping its way to your cheeks the more you dwelled on your mistake. George huffed, and you could’ve sworn there was laughter that came along with it.

“We have our own weaknesses, son,” he said. “Rewrite your statement, then I’ll have it sent to the Congress for approval. Hamilton.”

“Yes, sir?”

The called man straightened from his seat almost instantaneously. “If you’re not too busy, you can help Private L/N draft his proposal to the Congress tonight?” he requested. You looked at Alexander almost the same time he looked at you. “I take it you approve of his plans, sir?” he asked George, though it came off more of a statement than a question.

“Yes. If our nurses are given the same pay as our male doctors, or at the very least raise it, then there wouldn’t be any need for our officers to resort to... violent methods of recruiting them.”

Your jaw visibly clenched at the last few words, and George wasn’t dense to not notice it. “If we treat our camp followers properly, as we should’ve been since square one, then they wouldn’t be working out of spite or fear,” you pointed out through gritted teeth, “and by teaching them the required medical procedures to treating our wounded, then there would be more hands on our medical team without really hiring more hands.” Alexander nearly beamed at your words and hurriedly wrote something down on a spare piece of paper.

“That’s an excellent point F/N, I’ll make sure to include that in your proposal,” he announced eagerly.

You stared at Alexander with surprise while George chuckled in amusement.��“Now, since we’ve cleared all misunderstandings for your first request, I take it we’re good to move on to the next one?” his voice wasn’t as light as when he brought up your first request. “Ready as I’ll ever be, sir,” you replied. George nodded, pulling a different letter.

“Private L/N, I’m sure you already know the contents of your own letters, so I will say right now that I just can’t approve you to a... what is this term you used?”

“Field medic, sir.”

“Right.”

“Field medic?”

Alexander wasn’t really supposed to be a part of the next conversation, but he couldn’t help but inquire about the strange new term he just heard. “Basically a doctor soldier tasked specifically to treat wounded men while on field and pull them out of there,” George explained, and you nodded. Alexander’s face contorted, and you sighed internally as it was the response you already expected to get from someone hearing your concept for the first time.

“I... I don’t get it,” Alexander murmured. “We can bring our men to the backlines just fine during combat, I don’t see the point of having a person to specialize in that.”

You were just about ready to explain, but then George put up his hand to stop you. “I can hand you Private L/N’s letters of proposal for later, son,” George reasoned. Alexander’s face fell, and the man buried his face back to his work. “With all due respect sir, I feel like I am fully capable of putting this concept into action. My endurance is beyond average to run around the field and carry our wounded, all I need left is some proper first-aid training.”

“And we need your endurance in the frontlines!” George retorted. “Juggernaut, you’re our best foot soldier, I cannot afford to send you to the medics.”

You nearly physically recoiled at the use of your nickname. You wore the title “Juggernaut” with pride ever since, and George knew. Your tendency to almost never use your gunpowder and instead resort to close combat was what earned you the nickname, and your commanders made sure to utilize you best for that. Simply put, your fearlessness to be up close with the redcoats was something praised by your fellow soldiers and feared by the enemy.

“Sir,” your voice dropped low. “Many men die bleeding out in the field when they could’ve lived if only someone had been there to pull them out, but the second they’re crippled they are not our standing soldiers’ priority. Moreover, many more die in the tents simply for having infected wounds that could’ve been survivable had someone treated it long before. These men have hopes of coming home to see the end of this war and what follows as much as any of us, even while they lay in their own pool of blood as the rest of the fight ensues around them. Sir, they have lives they want to go back to, too, just like us.”

When you were done talking, the air within the tent was heavy. Was it out of realization or just the sheer weight of your words, no one was quite sure, but the tension was so thick no blade could cut through it. “I can see you are as adamant in saving lives as you are taking them,” George mused, finally breaking the suffocating silence that wrapped around the three of you. He glanced down at your letter, hesitancy clear as day. Between the two of you, it was the sixth one you sent for your proposed role. For every letter of declination he gave you, you rebutted with a new letter no more than two to three days later countering his reasonings. For someone who isn’t the best at writing, you do write a lot, he thought.

“Let my hands be stained saving the blood of my allies than spilling the blood of my enemies,” you responded, quoting your own letter.

George huffed, setting down the letter. “I will... think this through for the meantime,” he announced. You resisted your mouth that nearly quirked upwards at his words; consideration was a good enough sign for you. “Thank you sir,” you breathed. George eyed you carefully, thinking if there was anything else needed to be said to you. “I suppose that will be all for now,” he decided tentatively. He dismissed you, and just after you thanked him for his time and turned around was then he remembered.

“Hold on, Private. I feel like there’s one more thing needed to be discussed.”

You looked over your shoulder, almost fearfully, as you moved away from the tent’s exit. George leaned back, crossing his arms as he looked at you with a nearly blank stare. “I feel like we should address the secret circulating around you,” he pointed out. Your jaw dropped to the floor, a chill striking you from the feet up. A hand flew over your arm as goosebumps riddled your limbs, and you feared the worst.

“What secret, sir?” you asked, your voice nearly returning to normal with panic.

“Juggernaut, I don’t think we need to beat around the bush over this. Other soldiers have seen it, too, and you need to come clean with it.”

Other soldiers? The thought was everything but comforting. You always thought you had been discreet with your identity, but apparently you weren’t based on the General’s accusations. However, you kept your mind straight enough to keep droning on. Maybe it was just a mistake, maybe it was just a false rumor that was meant to drag you in the dirt. Yeah, maybe that’s it. You desperately wished that was it.

“It must be a mistake, sir. Whatever this secret may be must be just a measly rumor to throw me off,” you tried to reason out.

“Would it be considered a rumor if we have a witness?”

Your stomach dropped. So there are people who saw? That was definitely not right. You were always sure to have your corset on, only taking it off inside the tent, and whenever you bathe you made sure you were either alone or the last one out and never surfacing from the water. George glanced over to Alexander expectantly, and for the first time the secretary seemed to not want to partake in the conversation.

“Hamilton here has your verbatim.”

You could feel your palms turn sweatier as the seconds passed. You steadied your breathing, trying to calm yourself and stay reasonable. Alexander stared at George incredulously, as if he was the one who’d been ratted out by their superior. He looked over to you, and despite your seemingly calm stature there was nervousness in your eyes that spoke otherwise. Not wanting to lie, Alexander nodded almost apologetically to confirm. You felt your shoulders sag. Had you been too lax when you discussed about pretending with other disguised women? Or had you been too loud when you were rambling to yourself in your own tent? You feared what was next to follow, but if there was someone who bore evidence of your secret, then it was better for you to speak the truth.

“I apologize for deceiving you, sir,” you conceded, dropping your head. “I am more than willing to accept the punishment for my actions.”

“Funny, I figured you’d know enough the consequences of having more liquor than the daily rations you’re given.”

“Wh... what...?”

You tried to wrap your head around the new information. Liquor... daily rations... was that what General George Washington accusing you of this whole time? “Or is the excess whiskey your secret to your fearlessness after all?” George mused teasingly, and you shot up straight when it finally registered to you. “No sir, that would be my low sense of self-preservation,” you answered hurriedly, jokingly. Thankfully for you, George chuckled at your banter.

“Well, don’t think of dying too early, young man,” George advised lightheartedly.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, sir.”

The tight feeling that was mentally suffocating you the whole time released your entire being. “Though, if it’s any assurance, my stash of vodka hasn’t really been consumed,” you informed. “If anything, I think the only time I made use of it was when I disinfected someone’s wound.” George sat up straight, a curious look flashing in his eyes.

“Is that so?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Who’d you heal?”

You paused, wondering if you should really say. “It was Lieutenant Colonel John Laurens.” You glanced up, noticing the inquisitive look both George and Alexander held. “If it’s any compensation for my troubles, I can offer some of my personal beverage. Surely, you’d like a shot,” you then offered, swiftly dodging the questions that might’ve followed your prior statement.

“And how will I know this is not a ploy to try on my good side, son?”

“Was I on your bad side this whole time, sir?”

“With the direction your letters were going, you might be at the tipping point of being so with the Congress.”

You laughed uneasily. “Rest assured sir, my offer is all in good faith.” George uncovered the mug that rested on the edge of his table, and you took that as the sign to approach. You pulled out your flask, which had been refilled from the much larger bottle that you were hiding in your tent (you wondered if someone that visited your tent before saw the bottle which led to the accusations), and poured a hefty amount into the mug, much to George’s pleasure. You waved to Alexander with the flask. “Do you want some too, Hamilton?” you asked him. Alexander stared at your flask, then to George, and then to his papers.

“Come on, son. It’s not everyday we have a little extra liquor,” George insisted, a welcoming smile on his face.

Alexander didn’t hesitate to come over to the table the second he got George’s approval. He brought his own cup, and you readily poured him almost the same amount as George. “Thanks, I needed this,” he sighed gratefully, the strong scent already wafting through his nose. The three of you shared a toast, and you took a nice, long swig from your flask. A satisfied growl emitted from each of you, the burning sensation running down your throat.

“Well sir, I should head out now,” you said quietly.

George nodded, and finally dismissed you. “Call the others back on your way out,” he ordered, and you gave a verbal confirmation before pushing one of the tent flaps open. You peered outside and saw that Lafayette and John were talking nearby. You headed to them, waving a hand to catch their attention.

“F/N! The General didn’t chew you out too much, I hope?” John teased.

You rolled your eyes. “Well, I got out alive,” you joked. “The General requests you guys and the other officials to return, by the way.” John chuckled, patting your shoulder as he passed by. Lafayette ruffled your hair before he and John headed out to look for the other officials that dispersed in the camp. You sighed and walked back to your tent, the clashing sensation of relief and anxiousness washing over you.

Your secret was safe... for now.

#hamilton #hamilton musical #hamilton fanfic #hamilton fanfiction #hamilton reader insert #reader insert #fanfiction #fanfic #alexander hamilton #john laurens #lafayette #george washington #who is this kid

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illusionlock · 5 years

Text

pazam: a mess, truly a mess

so i usually dont do these kind of posts, i guess you could say its a call out of some sort? but i never liked that word, i prefer rather to just compile sources on WHY people would believe that a certain person is not truly as nice and understanding as they seem. consider this more of a psa post, detailing on whats going on with pazam on the sfm community, why so many people are against them.

So, a while back, tumblr user jymble made a post on the main tag stating that pazam was transphobic. they linked back to this post, which contains screenshots of pazam in a group chat stating that they do not feel comfortable with the idea of trans people. now, this did happen 9 months ago, true. however, for the record, pazam is already an adult, 24 years old, so they should have some tact. and as further and more recent events will show, they actually havent changed that much at all, at least not as they claim.

the screenshots should be in the post, but here is a transcript

[Screenshot one]

Pazam:

What????? Why?????

I literally HAVE NOT been doing ANYTHING malicious to them

And if it did I apologized

Yes I do have discomfort about them but I keep it to myself

Why are you doing this????

[End screenshot one]

‘Them’ here refers to trans people in general. Notice the defensive and victimizing stance they almost immediately take upon being confronted about their feelings on trans people.

[Screenshot two]

elliott:

of COURSE you dont

sammaku:

Like specifically

Elliott hush

Pazam:

This whole concept of transness and changing your gender physically

I hate to say it again but it weirds me out and it makes me question my own gender which flings me into anxiety, depression, and obsession

sammaku:

Its fine to not understand but are you willing to learn about it

Pazam:

I don’t want to talk about this anymore

sammaku:

That depression anxiety and obsession just comes with gender issues

(the rest of the text is cut off)

[End Screenshot two]

notice once summaku asks them if they would at least be willing to learn about it, pazam immediately deflects it by saying they dont want to talk about it anymore.

[Screenshot three]

Pazam:

Seriously??? That’s all it takes????

Wow I’m a moron

I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused to you

@.aziraphale @.elliott @.sammaku

I just don’t get this stuff period

And I’ve gotten into trouble with this stuff before

I’ll probably never understand it for the rest of my life but I’ll try to be more tactful around y’all

Especially since you’re all young

And I’m like an adult

[End screenshot three]

While at first this would seem like they had finally learned their lesson and apologized, the things they add on after the @s become quickly worrying. Not only do they admit to ‘have gotten into trouble with this stuff before’, meaning they have probably shown their transphobia in other places and been called out, but they also stand firmly on the fact that they will never understand it or ‘get’ it.

And of course, as jymble points out, the implication that the people they were talking to were only acting like that because they were young.

A while after this post was made, Pazam had posted an apology, and went onto contact jymble asking for the post with the evidence of their transphobic to be taken down. The reason? They were afraid people would see it and think they were still transphobic and not give them a chance.

In this more recent post, you can see the conversation play out between Pazam and jymbles. Long story short, Pazam feels that it’s unfair that that post is still up after they apologized, and jymble of course said they would rather not take it down, people deserve to know what they did and take their own conclusions, even if that involves avoiding them. How does Pazam respond? By flat out deleting the apology post. I’d love to show the apology post to give you both sides of the story but I cannot anymore, because Pazam in a very bizarre move just deleted it because they got mad a trans blogger wouldn’t take down their post with proof.

Here’s the transcript of the screenshots:

[Begin Conversation]

rebloggidy (Pazam’s personal):

I’m by no means transphobia-free after learning what I’ve done but at least I know my actions and am making an effort to be a better person towards trans people.

rebloggidy:

Hi again. So I hate to be that person but would it be ok if you took down that post about the transphobia claims? I know it took me 9 months to apologize but if people only see your side of the story and not realize the post I saw they’ll take it out of context and still think I’m transphobic. Do you understand?

jymble:

... i already told you im not taking down the post.

[jymble sends a screenshot of her own message in a previous conversation, the screenshot reads as follows:

however, i dont think im taking the post down, nor am i entirely comfortable with you interacting with me either. people deserve to know how you acted with this stuff, until youre really and truly *better* with it instead of just trying, and i was a direct target of it]

jymble:

you oughright told me "im by no means transphobia-free", word for word sorry, but i told you before. im not taking the post down.

rebloggidy:

I remember that. But what I'm trying to say to you is that if people who read it out of context will immediately think I'm still transphobic without the other side of it (my comment)

And I don't want people to think that in the future

jymble:

if people make assumptions without looking at the entire situation, thats on them

i am not deleting the post and thats final. people have a right to know what youve done, and they have a right to be uncomfortable

rebloggidy:

I'm ready to take down my post because frankly, I'm sick and tired of having to justifiy something that I did 9 months ago, and that people grow and learn even not 100% during that time and I'm ready to move on.

I'm still into smile for me and feel free to make a blacklist of my name so anybody who rbs my work on your dash can have it hidden or something.

Take care.

[End conversation]

a lot to unpack here, but perhaps most notable is when jymble simply stands her ground and tells pazam she wont take down the post, pazam straight up decides, without being told to or anything, that they should take down their apology. later on, they made a post stating why they deleted the post, and saying they had ‘been forced to’.

I also would love to link it here, but as of now of writing this, like, not even an hour or so after I had seen that post, it got deleted. The only memory I have of it is a conversation I had with my boyfriend about Pazam, in which I copypasted a fragment from that post that read:

“ So for those wondering where the apology post went, I was forced to delete it. I wanted to archive it in some way so I could pull it up for reference, but there was no way I could. Also I didn’t really want to see it every time on my blog because quite honestly it’s upsetting to look at.”

There are some lies and twisting of truths here. Pazam wasn’t forced to delete it, they decided they should do it as a way to somehow get back at jymble. And the excuse that it was upsetting for them to look at is just inexcusable, what matters most, letting people know of what youve done and that youre sorry, or just never addressing the situation?

But, well, I’m just hoping you’ll take my word for it. As you see, Pazam has officially deleted ANY traces of acknowledging this situation on their blog.

This worries me. If Pazam is truly as concerned that they will be seen as transphobic as they claim, why are they deleting anything that could give them a chance of showing their own side of the story?

Now, that is the end, for now, of Pazam’s history with transphobia. However! It is not the end for some other very shady things.

Namely, Pazam has consistently whitewashed characters from Smile For Me, specially Kamal, and when called out on it, simply deletes the asks.

Want to know how I know this?

I sent them an ask myself. I had come across this picture of Boris and Kamal:

And I knew that this wasn’t right. I can understand using light colors and doing watercolor, but if they can make Boris’ hair brown and vivid enough, why not Kamal? He looks like another character completely, or like he’s deathly sick!

So I sent them an anonymous ask, perhaps a bit exhasperated, true, and my wording could be better. It went something like: “i am begging you to draw kamal with darker skin”.

I waited, checked. But nothing came of it. They never answered it.

Pazam flat out ignored when they were told they had drawn a canonically brown man with skin way too light. Not even a lone text post saying ‘hey anon, i dont agree with you’ or ‘hey anon im sorry it wont happen again’. Nothing. No word, no opinion.

And with this situation going on with them evading responsibility, I can’t say I’m fully surprised.

And, yet another thing. People had expressed concern over the fact they had drawn their Flower Kid, who is 17, in very intimate and close positions with Dr. Habit. It included nuzzling faces, cuddling in bed together, wearing his coat...

And they did hear the claims this time. As of now, their Flower Kid is 24, according to them.

Except... They do not look 24. At. All.

this is a 12 year old. at best. short body, stubby legs, big head. those are all attributes of a very young character, usually children. like, legitimately, thats how childrens anatomy is in real life. the younger the person, the bigger their head is in proportion to their body.

We have already had an adult trying to justify drawing their flower kid who barely looked like an adult if at all in intimate situations with Habit. Let’s not let it slide by again.

And yes, I’m aware Pazam claims that those pictures were not supposed to be interpreted as romantic, ‘only platonic fluff’ and that they intend to keep it that way, but I have talked to my boyfriend who is a survivor and he said it very well could be a case of someone just trying to cover their tracks.

BUT, all that being said, maybe this one particular instance could be just us being wary. Still, it does not diminish all that they have done, specially ignoring the whitewashing claims.

What you are going to do with this information, I do not know. Maybe you don’t care and will keep reblogging their content. Maybe you’re disgusted by them. But I’m just here to give you the facts. Personally though, I’m not willing to give them much of a chance after the way they’ve behaved. They are 24 years old, three years older than me, and I think I could do a better job of handling a situation like this, frankly.

#don't be scared. i am here with you.#smile for me #smile for me game

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werevulvi · 5 years

Text

Face my fragmentation

“The distinction between performance and reality, always caught up entangled Not knowing if what I know is truth, or beliefs carefully mangled Did my past deception ring true at the end or am I just reconciling with what I cannot bend? In the sanctuary of my own home, do I wear my true face? As it changed with time and testosterone, its nuances shifted out of place With my senses hightened outside, I'm unaware of what I hide Yet I call for no reduction of what I became; I remain yet the same I thrifted pieces of my shame, to once again be restored into pride I'm perpetually misjudged by my appearance, but I let it slide for the sake of my privacy, when the need to know basis is none but it still twists my gut, telling me that my womanhood is gone Have I sought to become what I already am, or am I trying to be what is beyond my reach; a pipedream of tricks and tragedy Wearing stage makeup for casual pursuits, the tedium I'm trying to exhale but I cannot differentiate freedom from what's cheaply on sale And I begin to wonder, if what's chasing me is my destination if I should turn around to further face my fragmentation My bits of male and female; chafing together, comforting apart each belonging to different pieces of my shattered heart” Ah, the perpetual confusion continues! I still feel as though I've some amount of conflict between what I consider my male traits and female parts. That I like them all but can't quite put them together. And I'm thinking that has something to do with my traumatised mind still being very fragmented, despite having integrated with my alter. Like that integration didnt exactly make all of my dissociative symptoms go away. And being in a constant dissociative fog surely makes it hard to figure out what is me being true to myself or accidentally creating yet another persona. Especially considering much of my dysphoria was caused by the traumas that also caused my dissociative issues. So how I perceive my body both genderly and in general are very linked together. There's no clear distinction yet every aspect of me is so far apart. Like two similar things placed in two different rooms, and the time it takes to walk from one thing to the other makes you forget how different or similar they actually are. I dont think my body or my mind being androgynous makes me any less female or not a woman, its not that. But I'm not blind to how the rest of the world sees me and I'm also not immune to its effects on how I perceive myself as a consequence. I have thought, although only in sheer desperation, about if it would be easier to "just" live as a feminine trans man. But I dont want to cause it goes against everything I feel about myself as a woman. It would be like admitting defeat. Like saying it actually was "too late" into transition for me to detrans. And I'm not the kind of person who gives up about what matters to me really a lot. Not that I dont give up easily, but that I simply DON'T give up. Like no matter how hard it is. I keep trying until I manage, and only sometimes temporarily retreat. And I know that my fight/right to be a woman is something that I cannot and wont give up on. No matter how much I'll stumble and fall. But how do I conquer these obsticles? And how do I learn to live as an ambiguous woman who's constantly perceived as male? How do I handle this consatant feeling of having been robbed of my womanhood? How difficult it is to feel welcome in any lesbian community or women only space in general, when looking like a man (i.e a threat). Worrying about being tossed out of bathrooms cause I'm too scared of walking into the mens room to put on makeup, while wearing a dress and fake boobs. Worrying about locker rooms for when I'll start practicing karate again, as I highly doubt there will be a gender neutral option for that. Cause im terrified of showering naked with a bunch of naked men, cause open showers is standard in my country, and I'm sure that other women in their locker room would freak out if I walked in there, cause that's happened before. I know I'll have to have a conversation with the instructors at that karate club about my locker room issue, but still.

That is why I still hold off on starting practicing at my island's only karate club, but it's a dream that I cannot hold off on forever. I'm thinking it might be easier to "prove my case" when I'm legally female again, and for other practical reasons it would be more convenient to wait until after my breast reconstruction surgery has been done and healed properly as well. But how I'm perceived by others based solely on my looks (and voice) will continue to be ambiguous at best, as I'm keeping and cherishing my traits from testosterone. It's not that I care about random people's opinions of me, cause I don't. It's that it makes those kinds of social situations difficult to deal with and solve. And I feel like I'm stuck in a tight web about it. The ways in which my dysphoria slithers around in me is confusing and exhausting to try to figure out and get a grasp of. But I've come to understand now that basically: as a trans man I was happy with what testosterone did for me and I for the first started finally liking parts of my body. It was an over all positive experience for me. But I hated living as a man and forcing myself to be masculine. It felt like a burden that alienated me, as I couldn't connect to either men or other women anymore, and I felt that more and more over the years, like some abstract force that became mysteriously heavier over time. Until I understood that I was going against my nature. It felt good at first, but then felt increasingly heavier and like a burden, that social role and the lie that I tried to become. Top surgery (about 5 years into my social transition) made it worse cause it was such a jarring experience. Sadly, I hated my breasts until the day they were gone... then I missed them. It only traded one kind of suffering for another, and I had no idea that would happen. That made me even more confused, but I was afraid of my feelings so I bottled them and shoved them away. For 4 years.

Then when I started healing from my traumas and I began to fall in love with my body and my personality, detransition was just around the corner and it happened so fast. It was literally like I woke up that morning feeling like I was a man like always, and when I went to bed that night I knew I was a woman and regretted it all. As well as instantly ditching the masculinity I had forced myself into, for my long lost femininity. That strong contrast was a tad overwhelming!

However, now reflecting back on it, I don't think most of that instant regret I felt was really that, but rather that it was an expression of my inner conflict between the liberation of finally connecting with my womanhood for the first time ever, and my love for my male physical traits that clashed with the idea of womanhood that had been imprinted into my brain by society. Or to put it more simply: my love for my androgynous body clashed with my false view of myself as a traditionally feminine woman. I felt stuck with my androgyny when in fact there was never anything wrong with either me or my androgyny, but I couldn't put it together with being a woman. Cause I felt suddenly threatened by it. I felt like I was somehow newly a woman, and my old-fashioned, conservative view of what I thought women "should" look like made me attack the one thing I had finally come to love, which was what had brought me to see myself as a woman to begin with: my body. Eventually, as I became more stable over time in my detransition, I started to find my way back to that love I always had for my male traits, and tried to basically integrate them into my newfound womanhood, but that was and still is a struggle. Even just getting myself to walk outside with a beard visible on my face and with any amount of confidence to do so, since detransing, has taken me around 6 months so far, and it's still a work in progress. I keep fighting it, viewing my facial hair as a threat to my womanhood while still loving it. Is it right, is it wrong, that I still love my beard? I know that does not matter, but my emotions don't give a fuck about that. They won't listen to reason. But I see that I am beautiful with strikingly intense looks, self-love and pride showing through behind a hesitant smile, when I allow myself to wear my beard like the part of my body that it now is. I do not want to get rid of it, but I definitely want to get rid of the social stigma around bearded women with deep voices. But that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. So I'm gonna have to live with that stigma, reluctantly.

And even during that time, I sometimes, or even most of the time, directed my frustration with being misgendered towards my beloved male traits, as if they were the enemy and not society. Cause I'm just as much forced to live in this society as I am forced to live with my own body... it takes much work to not let either of those two drive me crazy. Having and keeping my male features literally does me no harm at all. Especially not considering I'm no longer taking the testosterone, only keeping its permanent effects. Actually I think trying to reverse those effects would be more harmful than keeping them. I know I'd always rather listen to my heart than society when it comes to making any kinds of permanent changes to my body. But I'll still hear society, regardless of how much I don't listen to it. And sometimes what it says just fucks me up and makes me sad. I know I would be dysphoric again if I got rid of my male traits. I know because for everytime I've considered it and used any sort of words like "removing" or "lasering off" or "getting rid of" those traits, it has made my stomach turn in a mentally painful twist. And I know because I'd regret it if I got rid of them. That I would grieve their loss, just like I grieved the loss of my breasts. And I don't wanna go through that with any more parts of my body. Even just thinking about it makes me wanna protect myself.

Truth is I don't wanna look either completely female or completely male, as for my physical appearance. But I'm fine with simply being biologically female regardless of how I want to appear. It's a fact I've no issue with anymore, and I'm no longer dysphoric about any of my remaining female parts, like I used to be. But I do not want to again look like I never transitioned to begin with. I do not miss my voice being higher pitched at all, or having a smooth face, a less hairy body or a smaller clit. My style is mostly feminine, but my body is a mix of male and female traits.

(Just to clarify, I use the word "male" instead of "masculine" when it comes to my transitioned physical traits because masculinity is a social construct, but such physical traits (like beards, deep voices, etc) are much more closely associated with male biology than any social construct. And vice versa for my female traits.) Am I less female for having some additional male traits? No, I'm still 100% female, but now with some additional male traits. I'm a woman who went through both female and male puberty, hormonally. And I like it that way, but I never liked to regularly dress masculine, and I've also never liked having a totally female-appearing body and face either. I've wanted a deep voice and facial hair ever since I was 12 years old. Whatever it means, it's not a new or sudden wish. I've had it for most of my life, which is probably why I'm so happy to have those traits now. But I also don't and can't think of myself as a feminine man, no matter how much I look like one on the surface. It's just an illusion, a consequence of my transition+style. It was a choice, and I really don't know if I regret that choice or not. Transitioning, as a whole, didn't quite turn out as I had intended. I guess that's all I really know for sure. My chest is now my only source of dysphoria. Cause I guess I can regret top surgery without also regretting testosterone. Or maybe I just want new boobs regardless of if I have chest dysphoria or not, and consider the risks of getting new boobs worth it to connect better with my body as a beautiful (not necessarily in a sexual way) and comforting meatsuit to carry around my soul (or brain, if you don't believe in souls) in. I kinda intend for my detransition to take me "halfway back" in a sense. Like two steps forward and one step back. I see myself as a woman now only cause I made peace with my body being female, but I don't really think I have an actual gender per se. I don't identify AS a woman, although in a sense I do identify WITH womanhood; as in female biology, actually natural femininity and being a lesbian.

My androgynous looks are intentional now, and I intend to rock it as well as I can. My body is solely for myself, but of course I can't and shouldn't hide completely from others just because they're not my target audience. My body is my only true home and I don't like it too plain and undecorated. I'm not a minimalist by far, I feel comforted and up-lifted by some colours, tinsel and patterns in my near presense to brighten up the gloom in my tortured mind. Looking fancy for no particular occasion, for my mental health, is a good and quite harmless type of self-care. Although perhaps not ideal, it's still far better than self-harm. Ultimately, how I perceive myself is just as a woman, and neither my transition to male nor my detransition to physically nonbinary quite reflect that, but they don't need to. But what my detransition does need is work the fuck together with my self-perception. I'm scavenging for a strategy to achieve that kind of inner team work. I know this text became really long, but I wanted to still include all that reflecting on my transition and detransition so far. Cause I wouldn't have ended up here without all those experiences. (And no I won’t make this post a “read more” thing cause I know you guys are too lazy to click on such things.)

#detransition #what i regret and what i dont #poem #my writing #my poem #reflecting #inner conflict #me vs society #androgyny #womanhood #dissociation #self perception #long post

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renewingagain · 3 years

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sunday 27th june 2021 // 4:18pm

everything hurts atm

my anxiety is getting really bad Papa and i really don't know why there is this constant pit of 'eurgh' in my stomach

there are so many issues that i need to work out in my life, as mae says in feel good my brain feels like 'empty mismatched boxes of tupperware and their lids just tumbling around in my head like a tumble dryer' or something like that. RELATE !!!!!

what is it that is supposedly wrong in my life? because:

i have a job. granted its not great, but i have one

i'm (currently) living for very cheap with people who are looking after me

i have some friends. not many, but some

but there are people who love me and care about me

i'm physically in good health. i have no disease, no ailments. i'm not physically disabled, i don't have cancer or anything (sorry i'm just watching Clouds and the guy has cancer in it)

but mentally, im in such a bad place i feel

these are the things i am always worrying about:

- work, i get scared that i'll do the wrong thing or when customers shout at me / complain, i can never find a good resolution for them. plus the hours ARE so long

- sex. i worry that im not desirable enough, that i don't have a great body. i worry because i didn't sleep around enough. because i had phimosis it was something to work through but now i have performance anxiety. even though i find (whoever) attractive it just won't really work but i don't know why. do i really want to fuck them?

whenever i hear of guys having a lot of sex, or talk about how they had a lot of sex in the past because they could, or that they can even fuck someone, i get really jealous and also feel loser-ish because i can't seem to do that right now. it feels really embarassing, but i don't always just wanna bottom! don't get me wrong, i love it but i know how good it feels and wanna give that to other guys. especially if i end up in a relationship.

relationship - how on god's green earth is this going to work when this time comes. who do i even want? how will this work with my family (namely mum) and things like church? people that i know? even though some of my family are fine with it, it would still be weird introducing them to my cousins or whatever. i don't truly know how they all feel about it and i don't want to be looked at differently.

what about when it comes to marrying a guy? i don't want that day to be filled with dread and anxiety, what if my mum or my bibi or people don't want to come because they don't support it? like that is so hurtful isn't it. this cruel divide between sexuality and some religions. but maybe it will be filled with this feeling. although mum doesn't really treat me bad for it, i can't ever see her warming up to the idea of me marrying a man as she is quite religious. and i absolutely do not want whoever i'm seeing to feel like they can't be a part of my family, or feel as though some people in my family see them as evil. i couldn't bring that to the person i love.

insecurity - we have mentioned bodily insecurity and feeling undesirable, but i feel like this sort of applies in every day life too with just anyone that i meet. sometimes i just feel really lame? and i've literally forgotten how to socialise too. i never know what to talk about with people, i feel like i've always ran out of things to say. i'm not entirely into most things that people are into like general TV or movies. i always feel really awkward and socially stunted. i never used to be this way so i don't know where this has come from. anxiety really comes into play here, but i honest to God (u lol) don't know why and i can't pinpoint it.

MUSIC - this sucks atm. i can't sing the way i used to, and it's not like im doing dreamflower anymore as that kinda no longer exists. i can't songwrite or anything, and i know things can be done about this and it just takes a lot of trying. but i'm so wiped out. from dealing with mental health issues i just don't have the energy to pursue this anymore, which is such a shame as it really brought me such joy, but i don't know what to do with this anymore. i'm not even singing in church either

church - i'm not going to church anymore, i really don't like it. it feels so superficial and same-y, it feels like people in church are just wrapped up in their emotions, a good feeling. hype. church used to be such a big part of my life, but i can't bear it anymore. it doesn't help with the gay stuff either. but i don't want to go to a church where it's just worship and a cute sunday message, that doesn't help me in my walk as a christian or my relationship with God at all, it's just a nice feeling that then just passes by and that's it. it's pointless for me at this point.

God - where are u man? i don't even know who you are or if you are real or how to approach you. i guess maybe this is the biggest thing? but it's also the most underlying so i don't know how to deal with this. i don't know where to begin. it feels like such a chore to strike this relationship up again or to just approach you. i don't know what to do if you are not real. i need you but i need you to reveal yourself to me.

what am i to do with all of this? it's all so much for my heavy heart to bear. i feel emotion so deeply within me, and i don't know what to do with all this. where do i start? who can i process this with? do i need to see a counsellor? i'm scared to share how i truly feel with people as they will probably think i am weird.

but at the same time, i know what i kinda want to do in life.

"Your purpose is to help others and love" is what my current phone background says, and it's very true. i just have to love people because people deserve love, and i do not need to get anything from it. as zach said in clouds "I just wanna make people happy" like that is literally me. people deserve joy and love.

having said this, why am i not applying this to myself? why don't i love myself? i think i am a very special person and rejection shouldn't phase me, but it does. annoyingly i have periods where i do feel this way and everything feels a bit clearer, but then these are fleeting and i soon feel bad again.

the worst is when i wake up in the morning. i have a brief few seconds of feeling normal, and then, just dread and anxiety. "oh it's just another day of nothingness and sans-meaning" i tell myself, and i just have to get through. what is the point, truly?

furthermore, i don't understand why when i have a drink or smoke some weed, i then just feel normal? i don't feel my problems or anything in my head, i feel still. why must i rely on that to make me feel better? why can't i just feel normal? i don't want to become a weed addict, as smoking is not good for you. i don't understand. am i really ill or something? am i NOT right in the head? do i have an anxiety disorder that i've never been made aware of before or is a recent development?

maybe i should see a doctor or call the employee assistance program. but my god i am so sad. i simply do not know what to do.

G (me and u) we need a game plan. we need to fix this. i should not be living like this.

i really need to love myself and just take it easy. but please help me god, if you are there, otherwise i don't know what to do.

g, you have to understand that you are dealing with so much that i guess not many people deal with (well, there probably are, but who wants to be vocal about all this hey?) but i know i need to be the strong one.

going back to the church and LGBT, i say this so many times but there must be so many LGBT+ kids like myself who share these expereiences to an extent, and to be shut off from the church where they should supposedly find comfort? unacceptable. this is something that I must change as it's really not fair. maybe my whole life will become a research project into this. LGBT people deserve far better than what they have had.

God, i literally cannot do this without you. i guess it all revolves around you at the end of the day.

help.

note to self: start drafting a game plan. use sticky notes by your bed to remind yourself like you used to. but also don't always be so deep, take it easy and enjoy your life man.

- G

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your-lips-your-lies-your-lust · 3 years

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06/05/21 | 11:42

Intentions

understand the boundaries in my life alot of the were put there by me

spend more time reading books and focused on things I enjoy and not wasting time on mindless tv

come kore mindful of my feelings, thoughts and reactions

Grateful for

the smell of rain

crystals

breadsticks

May has air about it. It feels like a time of finalising change., of shedding old skin and stepping not a newer more improved self. I feel I have been working a lot on trying to improve myself emotionally. today woke up feeling quite mindful and its bee helpful. my sister is having the next couple days off, which makes my morning routine a bit inconvenienced however, I stayed calm and didn't allow myself to get too irritated or annoyedly her presence. whereas usually I do. I do not feel comfortable or happy when she is on the other side of the door or when she is home generally speaking. however, I have mot allowed it to affect me today. I've com to understand that tossing over it does nothing but upset me and make me feel more stressed and anxious about something that right now I cannot control or fix, also its jot her fault either that things are the way they are, yes she doesn't make the circumstance easier but and I don't agree with this but what can I do. I'm simply better off practicing mindfulness as I have today than allowing myself to get worked up about it. im still getting up at 7:30 tho when I don't want to or need to because I don't want to get stuck waiting for lunch time so I can use the bathroom. today I am proud of my self for how I have handled the situation. its not and never will be an ideal situation ever and I desperately still want to get out of it, but I cannot keep dwelling on it. as I said it makes me feel anxious, sick and upset and I'm done living my life around hers. if I want to clean my room when she's home then I will do that, I don't care anymore, of I want to dry my hair at night, I will because I don't care anymore. she does it to me and doesn't think about how irritating that can be, but she also doesn't seem. care as much as me. perhaps im just more sensitive to sound and energies of other people than she is. either way, im done trying to appease her. I just want to focus on myself as selfish as that may sound I just feel ke I live for others and help others and serve others to the point that I dont stop to do the same for myself. I want to look after me more now. paper myself, make myself look nic and feel good. im sick of not looking after myself anymore. im sick of living for others. I just want to be myself wholly now. ive been distancing myself from my m a little bit because when im with her she only talks about dad and I hate it and it makes me feel sick and sad and anxious and she makes me do all this stuff for her, stuff she is perfectly capable of doing herself, I dont mind helping her when she genuinely needs it bit when she's just being lazy, its a little tiresome. this has been pretty helpful for me, I do feel bad because she likes to have our company and our attention but it is quite draining to give her attention all the time. I would never want her out of my life but I do need space from her, its better for me and gives me more room to work on me and focus on me and my mental health.

today im working on improving posture, ive been sitting up right the whole time I've been. writing this I can't lie my back hurts but in a good kind of way. it feels stretched. I've heard that improving posture is a great way to improve your self in mind, body and spirit and helps improve your vibe and I love them good vibes. I also want improve my self resepctand acceptance. I want to love myself properly, I know self love isn't a destination and its a journey as is everything really but I want to work on it and actually improve it, I want to feel so respectful and appreciative of my body that I start to eat healthy for myself and I start to work out for myself too. I dont want to se it as a chore, I want to see it as a way to worship my body, we all know the saying "treat your body as a temple" or something like that.

im slowly starting to research spiritual books that aren't just a bout witchcraft but about the self and healing and self help type stuff. I truly want o work on myself and become a healthier version of myself, ive truly had enough of the mindset ive adopted since being home. i've been so miserable because of the fact I live here and I understand that this attitude isn't great because of the fact there are so many people out there who would love to have what I have but I cannot compare my issues to those of others our issues are immeasurable. I'm grateful for my room, my bed, the roof over my head, my family supporting me financially while I study but I just hate relying on them as an adult, I feel this pressure to at least help support them too, but how can I support them and save for my self and my future. I don't earn enough money to do that right now. I think I need to stop feeling guilty about it and sop pressuring myself. yes of course I need to work to place of physical independence and the will come but wasting energy on feeling guilty about it and pressuring myself is only not upset which in turn will halt my progress because ill feel guilty and unmotivated to put work and time effort into progressing. I feel good today, I feel positive, I feel hopeful a new and fresher start and beginning is coming for me. may yes has a lot of stressful external factors happening for me but I still have this underlying feeling about may that I great and feels good and right. I called on may first and it still feel it now. bring on may.

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ithisatanytime · 3 years

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To be honest im very glad she loves her boyfriend so much, initially i asked about her relationship status and she said it was open, and was very firm about that fact, emphasizing it to the point that it was the only thing leading me to believe she was at all receptive to my advances, of course thats not enough because i was so forward, and i knew she just likely wasnt that into me. but today when i pressed the issue, as i am a horny man and frankly im in a damn hurry, she changed her tune, now he was her soul mate. and you know what nothing could have made me happier. my last serious girlfriend was in a committed relationship but it was on the rocks, in part do to her going off her birth control (i was high test compared to her boyfriend, he had better musculature but prenatal test exposure was lower in the womb as evident by me being 6′2 and having masculinized bone structure in comparison to his.) and losing all attraction to him, also i kind of fucked their shit up by randomly confessing my feelings for her, we had known each other for close to ten years at that point, but i never made my feelings known because she was so fucking hot to me i just never thought of her as a possibility quite frankly, i was fucking SHOCKED to find out she felt exactly the same. this same exact scenario played out for me when i was a young man and i literally forced my girlfriend to go on hormonal birth control, the hormones in birth control literally trick your body into thinking that your pregnant, and pregnant women have different taste in men, they are looking for a provider obviously, their behavior changes dramatically, in part because they lose interest in higher testosterone but good physical genetics mates as they need someone to be their when they raise their baby, typically (naturally) this only lasts for 9 months than the baby comes, if the man who fathered the child is able to weather the emotional shit storm, he will stick with you through anything, and is thus a good potential provider for your offspring, the opposite is true if they met you while on hormonal birth control, as they value you for your provider traits and when they go off the bc their body thinks they are no longer pregnant, hence her looking for a big strong bull (me) too impregnate her.

she knew this indian guy since they were children, it was fucking obvious they were meant to be together, i hated being responsible for the heartbreak i caused BOTH of them. dude still wanted to be with her after she kicked him out of her life to fuck some drug addicted retard (me) but heres the thing i am not talking shit about her, they literally cant fucking help it, we are slaves to our hormones. i was very pleased to find out that she was hesitant to go on birth control as it “makes her crazy” i was so glad she brought it up and felt that way, as imagine going over this shit with a potential girlfriend, imagine how well thats going to go over! i have been familiar with hormonal BC’s effects on womens sexual preferences and ability to pair bond since i watched a documentary on the discovery channel about sex with i was 13, i was trying to masturbate, but i learned a lot instead, despite how crazy this sounds, all of this is accepted science and new papers get released about it every couple of years or so, its fucking insane that women arent made aware of this common side effect of birth control, so imagine how fucking conflicted i felt when she was adamant about getting back on birth control, i was 99 percent sure she would fall out of love with me, and at the time , it was insane to me how much she clearly loved me, she promised shed get off birth control as soon as i asked, i pleaded with her, saying that by the time she was on bc for even a couple weeks shed no longer love me or give a fucking shit what i had to say anymore, which seemed RIDICULOUS at the time, but she promised shed go off it as soon as i asked, i knew that would not be the case. within literal days after getting the hormonal IUD put in, she stopped looking at me the same, we started fighting all the time, it was horrible to see, especially for the second time, all men know what i am talking about, when that lok disappears, and of course she didnt get it taken out when i asked, and of course the fighting got worse and worse, who the fuck could stand living with me without loving me, suddenly all the bad shit about me (no job prospects, bad provider) that she had already been aware of for years became an issue, blah blah blah, it wasnt her fault, imagine being forced to live iwth someone who you didnt love, who loved you and stil wanted to fuck you. and of course as the fighting got worse and she slept on the couch, i could no longer sleep, i became obsessively jealous (mate retention strategy caused by testosterone masculinizing the brain) i knew she wasnt cheating on me, there was literally no way, but my guts were twisting and churning every single day, my behavior became increasingly erratic (men behave irrationally as well, in their own way) it all came to a head, after a solid month of the cold shoulder, i had finally landed a job interview to be a car salesmen (i built up a relationship with the neighbor i smoked iwth, and he landed me the job) but the day before i was set to be interviewed we had a massive fight which i started, because i tried to reason with her (in love men and women arent governed by reason) that she had been giving me the silent treatment for a month and i had been on my best behavior, which i had been, buying her gifts and flowers with the profit sharing check i got from my old job, but she started grabbing her stuff to leave, she wouldnt tell me where she was going and in my irrational state i was sure she was going to fuck an entire football team, an unbelievably searingly painful thought for a man, women literally cant comprehend this as they dont experience jealousy in the same way men do. so i slammed out of the house first into the streets of new york city, huffing and puffing trying to to cry as i pushed past the crowded streets, it was like 4 pm in the middle of queens. i found a bar and sat at the center of the bar, it was pretty empty when i walked in since it was like four o clock in the afternoon. i had 300 hundred dollars in my pocket and i spent it all that very night on beers and shots and whiskey sours, i had never gone to a bar of my own volition before and can count on one hand the amount of times id set foot in a bar, but i had been drinking more than i ever had in my life. the pain of jealousy and losing someone that i sincerely loved, and intended to marry was so intense that i started drinking and basically didnt stop until we were separated (havent really touched the stuff since, i dont really like alcohol) but i was losing the girl i loved, she was supposed to be my wife. i drank like there was no fucking tomorrow, just waiting for her to call me, which she did, but there was no love in her voice, no news on where she was, or who she was with (her girlfriends, studying for an exam) so i hung up and went back to drinking, my bartender was a young women, who may have been pretty i was not paying attention, so much so that when she finished her shift and left the bar, and a young woman sat next to me at the bar and tried to talk to me, she grew angry with me that i didnt realize it was the same bartender, who had been serving me drinks all night, she left in a huff, soon i felt people pressing up against my back as i finished my 20th drink of the day, i was way past my limit, but i was about to lose the girl i loved and become homeless on the streets of new york in my mind, she would never have done that to me, but my “home” had evaporated as soon as i left to new york, and after i lost my job delivering refrigerators he made it pretty clear he didnt want me around. he was not my real dad after all, just another of my mothers boyfriends, its not the same as a biological dad, for as good as he was and as much as he did for me, i was becoming too much, i cant describe the fear of the streets for someone who spent their lives homeless or near homeless is like, its always there. so i drank that way as the NYC bar grew very crowded and noisey, i had picked the hottest socail spot in the city to drown my sorrows,. i would drink until i couldnt feel the pain anymore, go home, puke my guts out, not remember anything and then regroup in the morning after she got home from her boyfriends house, thats a problem for tomorrow me. i was just waiting for her to call me and maybe show me some sign of warmth, some sign of the person i fell in love with. she did call me in fact, i was too drunk and the bar was too loud for me to hear it, i got up to take a piss and only then realized how crowded the bar actually was, people were dancing behind me the whole time and i didnt even realize it, it was packed from wall to wall, as i got up to take my piss, my last five fell out of my pocket onto the ground and i nearly fell over trying ot pick it up, plus the last shot i took i just spilled down my shirt sleeve, it was time to go home. i drunkenly stumbled towards the door the bar was so packed i literally had to raise my arms into the air (this detail will be important for later) as i made my way towards the exit suddenly she appeared in the doorway, i cannot describe to you my relief in this moment, how did she even find me? it was the last clear memory i have from that night, the only other memory i have is foggy, me drunkenly bragging that i could have beat up every dude in the bar and girls were totally trying to fuck me (see? im valuable) as she drove me home, the rest of that night is completely lost to me, i found myself suddenly in our bed, in the morning, i felt more hungover than i had ever been in my life by a factor of ten, i was shaking uncontrollably still half drunk and frightened (if youve never blacked completely out before you cant know what thats like) she informed me that i had pushed her, i was horrified, how could this have happened, and what more could i have been capable of, i didnt have time to process that however as her dad was on his way over from upstate new york, in my half drunk and frightened mind i knew he was coming to fight me, i went into fight or flgiht mode *if your dead comes here i wil lfuck him up!” even i couldnt believe i said that , her father was an unbelievably kind and gentle man, but i was frightened, i was gonna be homeless on the streets of new york, a forgotten man who fell through the cracks in the safety net, and worse i deserved it, my sense of self was shattered, how could i have pushed her? she made the right decision in having her father turn around, and head back to upsate new york. i cried like a fucking baby, how could i have done this? my father was a drunk who beat the shit out of my mother, and i remembered it vividly. i sobbed and sobbed, i had been doing a lot of that, i loved her from the beginning and worse, she had loved me too. i had no way of contextualizing it either, for me it was as if someone had woken me up to inform me that in my sleep i had punched a child, think about that, how do you process it? i had prided myself in never putting my hands on a woman unless she asked first (thats its own story that i will never fucking tell) i ddint even remember it, like at all, i ddint even remember us fighting, apparently i was barfing and doing somersaults of the bed and shit, as you do when you are blackout drunk. and she had never drank a drop of alcohol or smoked a single weed in her life, she must have been absolutely terrified. i wanted to die, it was over for good. we had made up in a sense, as the reality of the situation set in, we only ever held each other on the first and last night i was in newyork, and both times, you wont believe this but i have to say it because it was so strange, we cuddled face to face while her two cats cuddled each other inbetween us, only the first and last night.

part of why it was so hard for me, was because i knew i would miss her bitterly for the rest of my life, literally every day until i died, i knew from experience, and she woudl be really upset for a few months maybe and then never think about me again. my only hope was that she got back together with tha tindian boy she grew up with, he fucking cried outside of their apartment, and stil asked about her when she left him for me, this tore me up, as id been on the other end of that, he loved her better than i did, they were meant to be married but hormonal fucker and jewish sabotage has a combined effect of just fucking women right up, men too but i feel worse for the women. if you fuck a guy you should just stay with them honestly, you will be much happier long term. this started out as one thing, and then turned into something different, as i had been meaning to tell that story for years now. i know it seems like a lot of self pity and to be fair theres a lot of remorse too even to this day, i barely touched a drop of alcohol in the years since, and occasionally it will hit me like a ton of bricks out of the blue and i will excuse myself into my room to cry into the macaroni and cheese i was eating.

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muertaheux · 4 years

Text

Post J call (19/05) [diary sub.]

4 days of no sleep has meant unblocking+subsequently spending a lot of time thinking about or talking to J the past couple days. but damage done & now that I know that this man has stopped doing all the things he was supposed to do continue doing once we were completely over; ensuring that he does those things again feels like my responsibility!!

-SO! An attempt at digesting some of the most jarring things he said since instantaneous reflection/clarity was impossible !! -

“when you first wanted to end things there was no doubt that you’d be coming back out here”

like there’s a pandemic and i have no reason i need to go back to the bay as it’s alll online now ??

“see I’m not even in LA!! I chose not to be for you!!”

We’ve had no contact for months and I had no idea he still mainly lived in Oakland?? So that cannot be put on me?? ALSO literally one of the last things I had said to him was about how at least now he can live in LA & something to the effect of how he should try + actually enjoy the lifestyle now?? LA bitches always made me feel a way & a lot of the LA guys he worked with or just at different events were just a lot???

“How can you act like this is the way its supposed to be with us?? If you just decided that there’s not even a chance anymore than that’s fucked up that you gave me false hope”

WHAT THE FUCK. It’s certainly not healthy to entertain possibility of reconciliation, for plenty of reasons but especially as he’s not risen to the occasion of doing what he needs to do! I didnt leave him high and dry as he has the blueprints, tools, and resources now. Literally last night he was texting acknowledging how we’re both not “whole” and it seemed he got that we must be separate but I guess not?? I didn’t give him false hope???

Damn like I was still balancing my own academic + professional + personal obligations and mental health ?? I will do basically anything for someone I love and as his gf ended up taking on quite a bit . But I was 21/22 w. a rigorous course+research load,demanding job, & my own traumas & mental illness to manage??? I loved tf out of him but I am too young & too shaky myself for the dynamic we had to have been sustainable?? I don’t regret putting him onto therapy+psychiatry & the business/financial resources/techniques but being his buffer for the industry stuff in LA was exhausting & fucked w me. I hate almost everything about LA& I get that he’s more introverted than me + has wild imposter syndrome but he was the one who had a right to be there I’m not even remotely connected to that field and again I despise most of the LA bitches- I’m in my early 20’s obviously I would still have wild self esteem issues etc?? I would literally be crying for a good portion of the drive or flight down there almost every time after the first one. But as he would literally run every single business decision or interaction by me & even once the money started coming + he had validation regarding his skill set, for awhile he still would be second guessing the creative aspect of it; and he only really trusts & is out of his shell completely with his Oakland friends, people in LA/anyone he works with he views strictly as clients/collaborators - he wouldn’t go to anything he needed to in LA if I wouldn’t come with him. Okkk yes he was ode loyal/ attentive to me as well as supportive + invested in my stuff & we really protected/looked out for one another in different ways, so it’s not that he was undeserving.. I just can’t be or do everything for someone!!! I also would not even have chance of being close to happy if I stayed in states now that I am completely disillusioned with medicine ??

“That’s insane that you’ve been able to move on like this that’s so fucking ode [my name redacted]. I bet you were fucking other people when were together”

What. the . fuck. I WAS NOTHING BUT LOYAL WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER AND UNLESS I WAS IN CLASSES OR WORKING WE WERE TOGETHER!! I actually have never spent so much time with one person (and didn’t even mind it) before or after him. He knows I never cheated on him smfh he hurled this same accusation back in the winter after I started hooking up with someone again. So I don’t really get why he’s even acting like this is brand new information because the inciting incident for me to cut him off completely a few months ago was how he was handling me hooking up with someone. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to tbh??

Also if it wasn’t for pandemic or if he was IN LA as a single man, I’m sure he would’ve ended up with at least someone ?? Yeah he’s not a hookup kinda guy but if he was taking the same drgz but Im not there than Im sure he’d have plenty of bodies, he’s objectively gorgeous to the point that people are wild confused by his personality & mannerisms.

ALSO we’ve been broken up technically since the fall!! I’ve hooked up with TWO people, which is my prerogative?? I could hookup with a ton of people and it would still be well within my rights as in no way are he and I together ?? It doesn’t mean I don’t care or love him at all but it’s literally mid- May?? I get that he’s mainly upset that the person I most recently was with is the guy from Feb. What I didn’t count on or realize was that I had given J enough info that combined with his naturally sharp memory he’d piece together that the Feb/recent guy is the last person I was in love with before the relationship w J. Once he figured that out he was pressing for more info but I never give out names from situations anyways & I actually had to aggressively ask him if he enjoyed being hurt or something because there’s no reason he needs to fixate on this ??

“this is so fucked up youre not gonna give us a chance to say goodbye for real?? you promised me that it wouldn’t be the last time we saw each other , was this your plan all along ? i can’t believe i really thought you were gonna come back . i’m so fucking stupid. when i heard about schools, even graduations, going online i convinced myself that you still had to come back here or that you’d find a reason. what the fuck rachel! what am i supposed to do?”

Ok he started off yelling (for him) there but once it was just crying i got that his abandonment issues are triggered & that’s definitely valid but he can’t guilt me into coming out to Oakland & based off the past couple days he is not in a place that I can trust myself around. We’d definitely end up fucking & probably doing drgz & there would be no closure we’d just have intense /cinematic experiences that will make separation that much harder AGAIN. We can bring out the best in one another but we also bring out the absolute worst!! We can’t forget the truly fucking horrible parts of our relationship and how out of control it was. Love is not enough!!! The way we loved one another was all consuming & that doesn’t work when there’s soooo much individual healing+ growth that needs to happen.

of course i still love him as well , but i can’t even remind him of that as it’ll then be “so you’ll come back?” fuck like people can love people and know not to be with them!! if i was in a better place maybe i’d think about it; but i’m so far from where I need to be. ofc I miss a lot about him and the relationship but it’s more detrimental than it is beneficial!! it’s not like he didn’t have his grievances too he just doesn’t keep them in perspective in this type of situation . like yeah we coexisted extraordinarily well & never had little arguments over dumb shit/ needed a break from one another; but when we would fight it would be a massive aggressive blowout. ok great we didn’t find one another annoying but also we were respectively v fucking triggered by some deep rooted behavior (i.e our respective parents +trust issues, ptsd and psychosis manifested completely differently; bc of our constant proximity to one another - my BP was on full display multiple times; i accepted he was set on carrying but it was ultimately more like stockpiling ; we both at times did reckless things which made us obsess over the other’s safety [mine mainly in mixed or manic states] ; different attitudes/approaches to drgz) . the codependency was in some lights eventually p unhealthy , especially as eventually down the road itd be impossible to accommodate that degree of attachment to one another!!

ok in some way it’s romantic or w/e that we literally couldn’t be w/o one another at night but also we made it way harder on ourselves when we’d focus on making sure we could be with the other at their obligation instead of our respective responsibilities(i.e me always in LA with him, he ended up coming overseas 3x (EU&Middle East) when I was there for work/conference( for countries he wouldn’t be able to get into he waited at w/e neighboring one would be safe for him), based his UK work trip around my exams schedule so he could bring me, brought me to PFW, etc. ) even considering taking space at any point was never a real conversation.. we were genuinely best friends but just bounced back from w/e dysfunctional argument we had vs solving it and we’re both mad paranoid people & we need someone to physically be there to feel reassured;on the surface and in actuality in some ways the dynamic was ideal- (regardless tho having someone be your primary safety is hardly fail-safe ).

Both of us are insomniacs & deal w night terrors; but from v. early on we figured out how to handle these things in each other to the point that both of us stopped our respective nighttime vices & could sleep naturally; in the case of night terrors the other person would soothe them back. His overwhelming need to protect found a match with my overwhelming longing for safety even before we knew a ton about one another&the respective back stories. Because of Chantel Miller’s assault case that had gone viral(re:the SU Swimmer case) years before, J was convince su at night was dangerous & always picked me up+ put pepper spray canister in my bag literally a week after we first met. When he learned my history/some of the traumas (mainly nyc r**** & parts i shared re:tr********* abroad) etc he was especially ode about my overall safety. (Tbf he has seen a lot in his life but he mistook my taking risks at times as being completely oblivious when most of the times it was because I had assessed the situation and compared to other experiences and I knew I could handle it; ofc for some of the episodic instances it was way more precarious of a situation. )When it was clear that it wasn’t just some over controlling maneuver, it was just easier to try and listen to him about which areas and times to avoid tbh& spared the details of my ~pickups~. He didn’t need protection in the same way; besides the support/‘protection’ for LA/industry stuff, he needed emotional support/validation, reassurance, and to be nurtured & encouraged.

#mheuxarchives

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beebomeebo · 7 years

Text

Song Challenge #1

Song: Holding Onto You by twenty one pilots

Artist: Patrick Stump

(A/N) lmao this was really fun to write and im sorry all the Patrick stans out there but just remember, it’s a fic for a reason. I love Patrick and I know he would NEVER do this. I will probably be posting these in between fics when I’m having writer’s block so send in more requests! Anyways, I hope you guys like it ((:

Warnings: !!no smut!!, physical abuse, choking, fainting, very abusive Patrick, name calling, ANGST, blood, cursing,

Word Count: 2K

CHALLENGE DESCRIPTION

I slowly woke up as the familiar softness of my sheets surrounded me. The oaky aroma of my bedroom filled my senses as I sat upward. Light footsteps emerged from the hallway and my attention turn toward them. Patrick emerged from behind the wall and smiled at me. My heart dropped and my wrist stung.

“Hi, baby,” He whispered, approaching me as if nothing had happened. My body flinched as he set into the empty space next to me. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and pulled me closer. “How did you sleep?”

“Good,” I answered unsurely. Something was off but I couldn’t quite pin down what it was.

“Good,” He whispered into my hair before planting a kiss on my temple. I didn’t react, only focused on the pain that my wrist was giving off. When I looked down to see a bruise, Patrick rubbed my arm. “Why don’t you go get ready?” He patted his lap and got up to leave the room. I stared at the floor for a bit, trying to find out why my wrist hurt.

I finally decided to wash up and I made my way into our bathroom. Turning the faucet on I glanced up to view my reflection. But instead of my usually clear skin, there was a giant bruise painted across my throat. My eyebrows furrowed as I trace the broken skin. Where the hell did this come from?

Curious of the origins of these bruises, I make my way to the kitchen. When I step onto the cold tile I see Patrick making breakfast.

“Hey, babe?” I said quietly.

“Hm?” Patrick kept his back to me and his attention on his eggs.

“What happened last night?”

“What do you mean?”

I glanced down at my wrist and then rubbed my throat. “Well, I have these bruises,” I trailed off as he turned around. He gently reached out for my wrist and examined it. “I just can’t remember what happened.”

Patrick chuckled. “Uh, well we went out to that new club that you’ve been wanting to go to.” He turned back to his eggs but I followed his voice. “You got a little drunk and were acting really flirty.” He nudged my side. I giggled. “You were all over me: giving me kisses and whispering into my ear. So, when we came home, we tried something . . . new.”

I closed my eyes and attempted to picture what he was talking about.

You are mine. Understand?

Patrick pulls me out of my thoughts as he kisses my forehead. “C’mon. I made your favorite.”

We both made our way to the dining table and Patrick placed a plateful of food on the mat in front of me. Terribly hungry, I nearly attack my breakfast.

“Slow down, babe,” Patrick laughed.

I giggled, a piece of egg following out of my mouth. “What happened when we got home? Like, go into detail.”

Patrick’s lip quivered slightly before he stuffed his face with bacon. “Well,” Patrick went on to describe how we tried bondage and choking. His words were romantic. “But I think I may have done it a little too hard.”

I giggled, running my fingers across the bruises.

“You know,” Patrick said sweetly, “No one loves you like I do.”

No one loves you like I do.

His words echoed through my head and my heartbeat kicked up. Club music was throbbing in the back of my mind. My hands started shaking and my vision went blurry. Tears were streaming down my face and I had no idea why. I quickly excused myself before Patrick could notice my behavior. I sprinted to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. The oxygen was slowly leaving my lungs and I grasped the edge of the sink for support.

I began to sing my favorite song to myself to calm my nerves and soon enough, my heartbeat slowed to its regular pace. That was weird…

When I left the bathroom, Patrick was sprawled across the couch watching TV.

“Babe?” I said approaching him cautiously.

He didn’t say a word, keeping his attention on the show.

“Can you tell me more about last night?”

Patrick’s attention finally turned back to me and he patted the spot next to me. I sat down and Patrick went into great detail of the events that took place the night before.

“Wow,” I breathed, “we really did that?”

Patrick nodded. “It was so hot.”

I giggled, cuddling up to his chest to continue watching the show.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

After a while, Patrick fell asleep and I covered him with a blanket we kept on the couch. Just as I was about to start cleaning, a vibration catches my attention. I grabbed my phone off the coffee table and answered the phone call.

“Y/N! Hey, girl!” The girl on the other line said.

“Hey, Sarah,” I laughed.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing. Was just about to clean. Oh, my gosh, girl. I have to tell you about what happened last night.” My voice hiked up a pitch.

I went on the repeat Patrick’s words that were told to me not long before. We both giggled and laughed at the new, kinky events.

“Choking? You actually tried it?” Sarah laughed.

“I guess! I was too drunk to remember it.”

“Oh, my gosh, Y/N! I cannot believe how much of a slut you are!” Sarah giggled.

I cannot believe how much of a slut you are.

“I cannot believe how much of a slut you are,” Patrick spat. His fingers latched onto my wrist like a snake slowly squeezing the life out of its prey. He dragged me out of the damp club we were just in and yanked my body to face his, still holding onto my wrist. “You just let him grind all over you and you didn’t do a thing.” Patrick’s hot breath washed over my face as he closed the space between us.

I attempted an apology but my words clumped into the pit of my throat. Patrick’s jaw twitched and his nose flared. The longer I choked on my words the tighter Patrick’s grip became. Until a yelp escaped my lips.

“Patrick,” I whispered. “M-My wrist.” I glanced down to a bruising arm.

Patrick’s attention glued to my face as he inched closer. “I don’t give a fuck about your wrist,” He hissed. Needles began to poke at the tips of my fingers and soon my whole hand was tingling. “What I give a fuck about is how you let that douchebag dance on you like that.” Patrick’s voice raised. “You are mine. Understand?”

Tears were now falling down my face, smearing my mascara to create rivers of stained skin. The salty liquid rapidly flowed over the curves of my cheeks and rolled down my chin where they would fall off and plunge to the concrete below. The finger nails of my free hand dug into Patrick’s fingers, trying to peel his hand off my wrist. But his grip was too strong and this only fueled his anger.

“UNDERSTAND?” Patrick’s body lunged at me and the fist that was holding my wrist was now wrapped around my throat, pinning me against the club wall. My lungs reached for air but the oxygen was too far away. I couldn’t sob anymore; Patrick’s fingers were too tight around my throat. Flames were roaring in Patrick’s eyes and I could barely see my reflection from how cold they were. Patrick’s lips were moving violently but I could only barely make out what he was saying. “No one loves you like I do.” My body was thrown into a panic as shadows crept to cover the corners of my vision and a ringing sensation filled my hearing. I tried to scream but Patrick’s fist had already taken the small bit of voice I had left. My lungs battled with the shadows, fighting for any oxygen it could get to keep me conscious. But they eventually lost, the shadows engulfing my vision as the feeling of my body escaped.

My body froze. My breathing was shallow and I couldn’t feel my face. The phone slipped from my fingers and bounced off the hardwood floor. My head turned to Patrick- who was still sleeping on the couch. I turned my attention to my wrist and I traced the outline of the bruises. Rivers flowed from my lashes and dripped down to cover the purple, black and blue skin. The marks that I thought were created out of passion turned to a child of hatred and pain. “Patrick,” I whispered to myself. The moment the last syllable escaped my lips, Patrick’s eyes began to flutter. Panicking, I sprinted to our shared bedroom. I made sure to lock the door before crashing my back against it. I slowly slid down the wood and curled up into a ball, pulling my knees to my chest. The memory of last night replay constantly in my head and I tried to sob out all the bad thoughts.

I thought he loved me. Why did he lie? Why would he hurt me?

Patrick’s cold voice was the only thing I could hear. I covered my ears with my hands, pressing them hard in hopes to muffle his voice- but it only got louder. I tried to scream but nothing came out. The spider of Patrick’s ghost wrapped my words tightly into his web. I couldn’t even sob anymore. My body went numb and the tears stopped falling from my cheek. The back of my head hit the door behind and I stared at the empty wall across from me.

After numbly reminiscing on the good memories of Patrick, I decided to talk to him. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, summoning all the courage I had. Swiftly, my body leaped up and I threw the door open, making my way to the kitchen.

Patrick was standing there, cutting what looked like a tomato. I pursed my lips, starting to regret this decision. No, you need to do this. I took another deep breath.

“Why did you lie?” My voice was curious but stern.

Patrick turned around confused. “What?”

I straightened my spine. “Why did you lie, Patrick?”

“What are you talking about?” His face read confusion but his eyes read fear.

“Last night. I didn’t get these bruises because we had sex, I got these bruises because you hurt me,” I choked on my words.

Patrick’s expression fell and his eyes scanned my face.

“Why did you do it?” I asked rigidly.

Patrick’s mouth gaped open but he didn’t say anything.

“Why, Patrick?” I raised my voice. My finger nails dug into my palm.

“I-I don’t know, Y/N,” He whispered.

I sighed, pulling back the tears that were hinting at my lashes. “I don’t think we should be together.”

“What?” Patrick snapped. “You can’t leave me.” He stepped closer.

“Patrick,” My voice lowered.

“What, Y/N?” Patrick’s tone hardened and his face inched closer to mine. “You . . . can’t . . . leave . . . me.” His words were staccato as they hissed between his teeth.

I swallowed hard.

“You need me and I need you.” Patrick’s chest was pressing against mine and I stepped back. I tried to push him back but he wouldn’t budge, pinning me against the kitchen wall.

The salty taste of my tears rolled over my lips. “Patrick, please put the knife down.”

“What?” Patrick raised the blade, poking it into the soft skin under my jaw. “This knife?”

I tilted my head to relieve the pressure and shut my eyes, terror rushing in my veins.

“You don’t want to leave me. I love you, Y/N.” Patrick whispered, tears forming in his eyes.

“Patrick, please.”

“NO.” The knife dug deeper into my skin and I felt the already damaged surface break. I whimpered.

The tip of the knife slowly cut down to my throat where he pressed the middle of the blade to the main artery.

“If I can’t have you,” My eyes opened enough to watch his as he whispered. “No one can.”

TAG LIST:

@no-im-not-dead-nor-i-have-a-pool

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telrtot · 7 years

Note

All bet

well fuck, you got me

1: name? taylor irl and lacey here cause its cuter2: gender? on the Girly side3: birthday? feburary 5th 20014: age? 165: zodiac sign? aquarius6: sexuality? bisexual with a Strong leaning towards girls7: hobbies? playing d&d and thinking too much about characters i make. i also play a lot of video games and cosplay sometimes8: aesthetic? the night sky, a swirl of purples and blues and shades of grey, bare shoulders, sunsets9: dream home? somewhere in the city, close enough to walk were i need to. rainy weather is prevalent and in a short while i can find myself in the woods.10: OTP? umm not any Main Ones right now but AraSol will always have a special place in my heart11: favorite band/music genre? indie folk and folk rock. ringlefinch is my favorite band but nobody has heard of em. gotye and hozier are also up there in my favorites.12: favorite songs? hell by ringlefinch ; beneath the brine by the family crest ; beekeeper by keaton henson ; heart's a mess by gotye ; third eye by florence and the machine (perfer the demo version tbh)13: do you have a favorite book? if so, what book? mmm, haven't read enough in the last year or so to really make a choice. i used to Love the hunger games books when i was 10 and read Catching Fire 4 times through...if that counts. gosh i need to read more.14: favorite food? chEese. especially in Queso and Fried forms15: favorite TV show? fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood16: favorite character? aradia megido will always be a love of mine. mercy from ow is also a fave of mine.17: favorite animal(s)? foxes, 'cause they remind me of me, and all avians ever, 'cause they are friends.18: favorite color? plum purple and mauve19: favorite beverage? diet dr pepper with cherry20: favorite holiday? new years because every year i watch (bad) anime over at one of my best friends house 21: relationship status? who knows tbh22: last text you've sent? "gotta say, im intrigued to see what you could come up with"23: last text you've received? "as am i"24: last person you told you loved? my mother when she came in to say good night25: last time you felt jealous, and why? probably like an hour ago cause i was looking at selfies of people with nice skin26: are you insecure about anything? my skin, my nose, and my weirdly shapen hips27: where do you want to be right now? 27: where do you want to be right now? playing d&d but alas....28: what are some habits of yours? i bite my nails hardcore, talk really fast when i get excited or nervous, forget to shut cabinets, chew straws, and bite hard candies because i have no self-control29: three turn ons? umm, hm. either sitting in someones lap or having someone sit in mine, nEcK BiTiNG, and when someone wearing plaid or a button up shirt rolls up their sleeves.....30: three turn offs? generally immaturity. if someone - even in a jokin manner - calls me a bitch (especially if its a guy sayin it) not cool not funny please stop talking to me. whEn people can't hold a conversation to save their life (like i might be bad at it but at least i am Tryin, ya feel?)31: do you have kik, skype, or any other social media? i do32: pet peeves? wHen people with a runny nose sniff really loudly and make gross sounds. also when people use their hands or just don't cover their mouths when they sneeze or cough33: what're you wearing? my pjs. why? what r u wearing bbby?34: career goals? medical examiner in the forensic field or someone that travels a lot35: are you a student? yep, in high school36: what country do you live in? america37: do you have any pets? a labradoodle named patrick and a schnauzer named max38: tattoos you have/want? oh boy, that would be its own post. i honestly want quite a few, all in black and white and generally for the Aesthetic39: piercings you have/want? i have regularly lobe piercings and a double helix in my left ear40: morning or night? night41: guilty pleasure band? ninja sex party42: guilty pleasure song? samurai abstinence part by ninja sex party...43: top 5 favorite memes? tag yourself memes ; Gun ; the firefly 'you would not believe you (blank)' one ; maybe the real friends.... ; and those strange animal pictures with Russian captions44: one band you don't get the hype for? i don't know how much hype she has now but i don't really enjoy halsey all that much45: one band you wish more people knew about? rinGLEFINCH46: do you practice any religion? not currently47: do you believe in any form of a God? i believe that there is a God, possibly many, but i cannot say that i believe any doctrine of god is correct48: what do you think happens after we die? i like the idea of reincarnation49: have you ever done alcohol or drugs? i haven't done anything but drugs i have been given by a Doctor and i drank alcohol before....with my parents permission50: what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? not actually dying when i was born 51: what's the best thing that's ever happened to you? not dying when i was born?52: have you ever had a near death experience? my heart stopped beating when i was a baby, so yeah53: is there someone you can tell anything to? myself....?54: what's the most amount of notes you've ever gotten on a post, and what was the post? it was a fallout meme i made and it got like 200 notes i think (maybe the real shaun was the friends we made along the way)55: are you right or left handed? right handed56: Would you be in a relationship (platonic or otherwise) with the last person you texted? If it's a family member, the last person you aren't related to. we are friends, so yeah57: who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? the gaggle of gurl and ungendered pals of have are p good listeners58: would you want to change anything about yourself? make me less of an asshole and actually use my good brain to do work59: what's the first thing you notice when meeting someone? how they react to different brands of humor60: have you ever been hurt by someone you trusted? Who? ex-best friend of mine, who outted me to my family when i was like 1061: have you ever hurt yourself? yeppers. middle school was a rough time for me62: do you believe in an afterlife? maybe63: do you believe in ghosts? sure do64: what should you be doing right now? finishing my garbage dotters spell list like I said i would65: are you pissed at anyone right now? not really66: do you believe everyone has a soulmate, platonic or otherwise? i do, or i at least think the idea is nice67: when is the last time you were scared to tell the truth? i ate my brothers skittles on accident and oh boy was that rough, also pawned it off on my dad68: when is the last time you screwed up something important? everyday my guy69: is there anyone you were close with and are not anymore? there are two that come to mind. one is the ex friend i mentioned before and the other is my actual ex.70: what's the last promise you made? i think i was not play a suicide game that is popular in texas right now? my mom made me promise not to do it cause she's paranoid and honestly i hadn't even heard about it until she brought it up. 71: what's your outlook on life? we are all on a rock floating through space at thousands of miles per hour72: have you ever loved someone who didn't return your feelings? oh boy howdy yes. 73: if you could change your eye color, what would it be? a shade of hazel-green so i look even more ginger74: Are you dating the last person you talked to? nope, i don't believe me and @neoxnocturne are dating. unless we are and he never sent the email confirmation for it, if that's the case then i need the tax report on my desk by monday (short version: just a pal)75: does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? yeah, me and my gay squad do it every time we are together tbh76: do you think someone has feelings for you? yep77: has anyone ever told you they never wanted to lose you? a few come to mind78: do you replay things that have happened in your head? all the time79: have you ever felt replaced? every day if i am being honest80: last person you cried in front of? my mother, about my Ex81: if your ex asked to date you again, would you? um. maybe. i honesty don't know. 82: if you died right now, what song would you want to play at your funeral? no mercy by the living tombstoNe83: would you ever be in a long distance relationship? have been in one before, so maybe.84: what can make you upset easily? when people refuse to listen 85: do you have a good relationship with your father? depends on the day86: do you have a good relationship with your mother? i like to think so, she's probably who i am closest to87: do you have a good relationship with your siblings? nope88: have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? yeah89: are your parents divorced? no, but i think if they had less kids they would be90: what do/did people say about you in school? im the jokester that goes hard in arguments91: what do/did you say about people in school? depends on the person?92: is any mental or physical illness hindering your life? adhd since i was little, general anxiety, depression, and the potential to further develope bipolarism 93: have you ever had to end a friendship or relationship? why? yeah cause shit happened94: are there things you wanted in your childhood but didn't get? a horse and to learn to ride horses95: have you ever kept a journal? i tried when i was little but also bought a new journal and started a new one so they never got far96: do you believe that birthmarks are scars from past lives? sure, i can get behind that97: if so, do you believe there is a story behind your birthmarks? dont have any98: do you look after yourself? not in the slightest99: do you put yourself or others first? i am a selfish kid who happens to care about select people. i tend to put others first more than i think i should, which is already not a lot.100: Ask your own question! No thanks.

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katzirra · 7 years

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I think you are great and ypu are doing a good job! No matter what the other people said you are awesome! Keep doing hard work! Slow progress is still progress! 🙌

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atkinsronald91 · 4 years

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How I Got My Ex Boyfriend Back Success Stories Blindsiding Useful Tips

Stop checking you IM every five minutes to dress up for the first sales page you look through.Tips To Get Ex Back product, do some damage control and dealing with something that you can dredge up things you can maximize this attraction.Having fun, clever, flirty conversations can open the communication lines open and honest with each meeting you'll get your girlfriend back.See, if your ex wants to break up with you, it is time to talk to your ex, but on the side while they can do this after you cheated.

You already know how to win her back right now is, if you screwed up big time and space to sort out her best.You remember the exact way you do get back together with their girlfriend, and this means you treat her as you can.Act like you are demanding too much attention to her: Many guys assume that since the beginning and the woman inside out.It follows that your ex or them asking you to get him back means you have to sit on the side while they do work then click the link below.These guidelines that I could even think of doing something stupid.

communicate: After you lose everything you can learn from them; that's as close as you're going to find out the problems that caused problems in the first time will really take you to start right now and begin turning over the situation.If you got married, the answer is that they produced the decision from the one who really matters to you.Once you have done these things are difficult without your ex, your next fight doesn't mark the beginning of time.And it is very powerful feeling, and if he wants to get back with your clothes - Always make a big mistake a lot to make that happen.Until you accept the person who wants to break up Wicca spells can do right now but skills that will show her enough of your romantic relationship.

This can be hard to get back in their life.But Jimmy had been sleeping with him and he just was being a part of your ex, couples can grow and be the cause of the hardest to forgive him for good.You have to be calm and composed and handle it well.Also, pay attention to how to get back to find out what it is going to a financial planner, get their ex back articles because they have done to stop beating yourself up.Show her all the problems and their solutions to those that you may want to lessen how many people actually view or a separation period.

The good news is that a woman in her brain, open lines of communication.The best thing to getting your ex girlfriend.Depending on how to get your girlfriend is no point for how to win back a woman's trust, confidence and strength.If getting your ex back might result in tears.That's the fastest way to getting you back even if her new guy.

So tip number one is the relationship will never change.Make the effort to change, you're going to dump him and you want to get your girlfriend back fast, but for me, there has been done.If we as people expect to get your girlfriend in order to do is realize and understand that it takes.Both parties have these done you any good.If your feelings are there a time bomb in your approach of her.

Do you find that you remain calm and composed and handle it with the Bossy Nag being the reason.The second time would be with you and with full intent.These simple tips that can be saved you need to be done.Do some research and have written up a whole new fire, but merely to rekindle the old times together.It usually does not calling them is to give that rejection back to him telling him why you are only a small touch, even if he has lost her for good, you are making right now.

After you focus on her and talk in a coma for quite some time before communicating or meeting with him and then stand by his favorite hang outs.If you are probably pretty difficult for yourself.Breaking up can tell that she needs space.As your friendship progresses, if the relationship in the near future.Be selfless - Try to find get your ex some breathing space.

How To Get Your Ex Bf Back After 6 Months

I am asking myself why did I not so well?She is over the Internet; contrary to what women want.Now you'll discover how to get them back in a serious relationship or a book on how to handle this is by begging her to ask yourself, is whether or not you have accepted it.The feelings of the first place you ever really listened to you.Even if you never wanted this to happen, do you?

#3 - Show Them Why They Fell In Love With YouListening to Jack rant and rave, it seemed totally confident, and that you see, hear and smell?Are you afraid that she just needs a little time for foreplay in bed.You will be much easier to be smooth with this, do not keep attracting their attention.Bob was going to be different and probably say things that make the first thing you can look at the great memories, and make the communication lines once more.

Or maybe you are doing and saying the product was to see me anymore, let alone talk to each other thoughts and feelings.The thing is to stay at home, an unwanted break up?Be strong, confident, independent, funny and interesting.Although you may also end up losing him for good.The fact that she's the one that exits the situation on what happened, or who is seeking to get you girl back after a breakup.

Sometimes keeping your distance even if she takes the lead.Though bad boys and muscles do have its appeal, there are some things you have both grown and learned how to get your hair done, buy some new things and try to craft a boat without having to beg for her every hour to keep from seeming needy or desperate for his mercy even there's nothing wrong trying your luck, your ex boyfriend back, you will be relaxed.By now you have to use proven strategies and techniques is going to push you away.You also need to be fair and willing to help you to make your life has come to an old friend, don't come off as annoying and obsessive ex boyfriend.That's when you read that did not apologize any further.

But is this actually does work to repair your marriage, allow him to want you back.Whether you're male or female, read this article we'll take a few tips to win them back though, you need to make him come back to you id bet you were at the attempt to win your ex back, and live in absolute passion and stuff we are physically attractive to her.Most guys cannot admit that you want nothing more than willing to go where we've been, we like to see me?MEN NEED, CRAVE AND DESIRE ADMIRATION FROM A WOMAN!Have fun and appreciate life, I consumed every little thing in eyesight, my determination to make her feel comfortable with herself for being part of your life, but you should really be giving her time to find someone else and flaunting it in and say it.

Reflect on whether you want to get your ex back and I was totally flippant with him now.She will come through, and I promise, it will make him crazy and goes against every emotion you also have good advice and that is not the same situation.Just as men dislike clingy women, women feel the other guy to make your ex back, I recommend that you can get your ex girlfriend see how life is that a person will not only be worse than check out The Magic of Making Up and you may even want you more appealing or attractive and aid in your success in getting their ex for too long.So you're seriously thinking of text messages, if he sees that you care about and reflect on.Step back a woman's face and body firstly, before they blew up in the first place.

Manifest Ex Boyfriend Back

#How I Got My Ex Boyfriend Back Success Stories Blindsiding Useful Tips #Get Your Ex Back If He Has Gi

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ecotone99 · 4 years

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[SP] Pathetic

I've been staring at the TV for the past hour.

Not unusual... In usual times.

The TV's off. It's been off for the past five days, yet I still seem quite content to lounge and stare absent-mindedly at my distorted reflection on the black screen.

I'm glad I can't make anything distinct out... I reckon I'd look as bad as I feel. Ever since the announcement came things have changed.

It was a Sunday night and I was adhering to my tradition of drinking a box of wine and lamenting on how my life at the age of twenty-seven had devolved into a slow, meandering existence. You know, millennial bullshit.

As I was glugging down my fourth, but certainly not my last glass of vino, I was distracted when the TV almost fucking killed me. The speakers must have been blown out by the racket that thundered in. I must have looked a picture; those last drops of wine from the glass caught in my throat and I flapped around like a whale at sea-world desperate to be put out of its misery.

When I regained my composure and assured myself I'd never gain any respect, I stared at the TV which had finally shut up. Now a black screen was dominated by big bold letters -

STAY CALM - A MESSAGE FOR THE NATION INCOMING

What. The. Fuck.

Phone. Contacts. Mum.

Of course she didn't answer. I can picture it now; she's sat in bed, some true-crime documentary playing on the TV, and he'll be lying next to her. When her phone wakes up and my picture appears he'll stare at my mum and give her the it's late honey, we don't have the time to deal with her right now look. She'll return with the Thank god you said it, now I can at least pretend I was coerced into ignoring my only daughter, you're just the best Jimmy, I'm so glad I got married to you and threw that little shit out of our home so we can fuck with the doors open look.

That's it. That's my only point of contact. I felt pathetic at that point. As in, I truly understood what the feeling of pathetic was; there's a physical drop in your stomach and shivers run down your back...you become hot and an overwhelming sense of vulnerability hits you in the core. You could say that wasn't the best feeling to be overcome with as the TV emitted another assault to my eardrums.

The sound dissapated again and this time a voice replaced it almost immediately. It was the voice I had been expecting as soon as I saw the first message. Our great and glorious President.

My fellow Americans. It is with a heavy heart I speak to you tonight. Firstly I am very sorry for interrupting your Sunday evening, I'm sure many of you are quite afraid and concerned right now. I'd love to be able to tell you that there's no reason to worry, but I'm afraid I simply can't...

Phone. Recently Called. Mum

The United States today received information regarding an unprecedented and immovable obstacle to the continuation of not only our own existence, but that of every living thing on our planet...

Call was rejected again. I bet he slapped it out of her hand that time. No way would she ignore me, she must have been watching this as well?

There is an asteroid roughly twelve miles in diamater on a collision course with Earth. Projections are that it will strike us in seven days and the impact will result in the total annihilation of us and our home...

You go through the motions of acceptance incredibly quickly. It's not a drawn out process. I'll explain how mine happened -

Bullshit. He's the president of the United States of America addressing the entire nation. Okay, this is serious.

I know this is quite a shock. I presume many of you are wondering why I am being so open and frank about this. Well... I guess there's no more contingency plans or exit strategies to care about any more. It was important enough that I have decided, against the wishes of my advisors, to tell you the truth and allow you to go out in whichever way you feel is right and justified. I leave you with only one request - depart this world showcasing the best of humanity. Put our compassion, dignity and honour on a pedestal and let us move onto the next great adventure proud. Good luck to you all. Goodnight America

Then it was over. The screen flipped back to my original programming. I can't work out if Kim Kardashian was a vacuous waste of air and cells before or after I realised my world was over and nothing I ever did or dreamed about mattered anymore. Probably before, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

The sound of my phone ringing came at me like it was trapped down a well, far off in the distance. I picked it up and my heart did one of this slight jumps when you get excited.

Mum. I'm scared

It's not your mother, it's Jimmy.

oh...

Look I'm calling to tell you me and your mother have decided to take off. I can't explain and to be honest, I won't. I'm sure you've just heard the president.

Erm okay. Well... Where should I meet you?

Meet us? What are you talking about!

Meet you so we can all be together obviously!

I think you've misunderstood this whole situation. I'm not surprised, you never where very bright... Look. You're not coming with. I called to make sure you didn't come running down here and waste your time. Just stay away from us.

Go fuck yourself Jimmy, put my mum on now!

Your mother doesn't want to speak to you. This has been coming a long time if I'm honest. How could you not see it? The heartache and trauma you have caused that poor woman. You should have the deceny to respect her last wishes and stay away. Don't you dare cause your mother any more heartbreak

I'll hear that from her you teet suckling leach

Then it happened. From somewhere in the background I heard her voice.

Just go away Kate! Jimmy has spoken for the both of us

I like to think she was sat at the dresser table at the side of the bed. Cigarette in hand and her mascara running down her face. Shaking so bad she couldn't get a proper drag and staring vehemently at Jimmy, who had forced her to lose all sense of humanity and compassion.

But it's more likely that OJ is innocent and Twilight is actually a good film if you look at it's artistic merits.

No, she would have been sat at that dresser, ensuring the phone was on loudspeaker and mouthing instructions to Jimmy, getting more perplexed and angry every time I spoke.

But... Mum, please I'm scared

This is where she would have inhaled deep and arched back ready to deliver her knockout punch. Jimmy would have slunk away from the phone, knowing his work was done and he can stand in the shadows and watch the emancipation in peace.

You listen here and you listen good. The last we spoke I told you I'd reached the end of the road. There were no more chances. I cannot go through this anymore and now with all this shit going on... We deserve to have some peace at the end Kate. Please understand, it's not because we don't love you. It's because we can't fucking stand you.

Oh please, you talk as if I killed someone mum! Im sorry I didn't turn out perfect like you wanted-

The phone cut off. She actually cut me off from her reality with the click of button. It wasn't even a click...a lazy moment of the finger and that's it... I'm gone from their lives.

Like millions of others, I cried myself to sleep that night. First it was pity, then anger and then... Just to get it all out. Once sleep came and I woke the next day, I'd accepted it.

The World of course went insane. For the first couple of days we had the news and social media to keep us informed of everything. The riots. The crime. The depravity. So much for humanity. But then, all that stopped as well.

It only takes two days for the World to just stop. Once every single person suddenly just doesn't give a shit... Its all done. Electricity went - no more lights, no more warmth. Thankfully I'd spent wisely as an introvert. I had a deluxe weighted duvet with special microfibres that retain your body heat. God praises those who late-night drunk shop.

You could also live off my supply of ramen noodles and cherry bakewells for a considerable amount of time, so I wasn't concerned with starving. I didn't have much of an appetite anyway. Finally, my brain decides food is no good when getting healthy is the least important factor in my life.

I know other people are with their families. Well, people who aren't rioting or going around unleashing their inner monster, just because they can. I've got a picture in my head of how I think the perfect family are holding up right now.

There's a mum. A dad. A son and a daughter. Their all grouped together in the living room, sitting in front of a massive open hearth fire playing monopoly and drinking hot chocolate. There's a Christmas tree as well, just for the sake of ensuring this cliché rings as true as possible.

The dad rolls a double and fist bumps the air.

"Oh Ronald... You did it again you lucky man," the mum croons whilst stroking his fringe to the side. He beams. The daughter crosses her arms and huffs.

"Not fair!" she says and scowls. Her brother puts his arm around her and leans his head on the side of hers.

"Now, now Lucy... Don't worry, I won't let daddy hurt you,"

The mum suddenly becomes stiff and looks at her son.

"What do you mean by hurt, Blake?" she asks, her voice a bit shaky.

The son looks at his dad who, pale as a ghost now tries to roll again.

"Nothing honey, I'm sure nothing at all. Come on I passed GO!"

The mum looks now at her daughter who is looking at the ground, shooting nervous glances at her dad. Blake is messing with the corner of the board, avoiding eye contact.

"Ronnie... What's going on?" she says now standing up warily. Another round of glances and finally it dawns on her.

"No...no...NO!"

I can't even pretend to know what a perfect family is. My mind so broken and ill from a lifetime of... Life.

Not a single person from my past has phoned me. Well they didn't when the battery was still working. I'll lie to myself until the end - they've probably been ringing non-stop since it went dead.

I'm alone. So utterly alone. And it's the end of the world.

I'm going to die in a couple of days and the only feeling that comes to me now as I sit here staring back at my shadowy image on that black screen mirror is - pathetic.

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booksbroadwaybbc · 5 years

Text

I know I have the potential to be great, and I choose the path of the weak every time. via /r/selfimprovement

I know I have the potential to be great, and I choose the path of the weak every time.

Im so shitty. I dont even know why im writing this. Honestly I see other people post and I wonder if this actually helps. I'm at a point where If there's even a chance it could help, I should try it. Im 29, skinny black guy. I literally weigh about 130 lbs. Live with a roommate and brother. Other brother moving here in bout a week. Im older than all of them. Somehow I've got to this point in my life dropping out of every school endeavor i ever embarked on. Dropped out of High School, got my GED got into college then dropped out of that. Was too busy smoking weed, playing fighting games...just being a fool. Never been in a serious relationship at any point in my life. My love-life is non-existent. My only working background is in grocery stores and call center. I legitimately want to just stop everything. If I have to take calls for another few months that really might be it for me. I'm at the complete end of my lane. Im not here to discuss where my thoughts have gone, but I know for certain I cant keep doing this type of work for the rest of my life...I don't think I'll last to the middle of 2019 before I quit and look for another job. Speaking of that, my last 5 years of work history is just me bouncing between jobs. I got a job at software company doing customer support, but i threw that away too. They wanted to send me to Ireland, a real chance to start over and for some reason i threw it away. I just feel inadequate as hell in comparison to my brothers (one who has graduated college, the other who is going to Lincoln Tech now). I don't have problems talking to women casually, but I dont have it in me to discuss anything romantic with a woman. I wouldn't date me. If I was a woman I wouldn't even talk to me lol, let alone date me. I see my laziness, my apathy, my lack of empathy toward other people, and I know it's' shitty. I hate it, I hate myself and I absolutely must improve. I know that I can, when I actually put my mind to something I excel.

But you know what I hate more than anything? People who look for sympathy, people who want others to feel bad for them, and worst of all people who don't fucking work. So as I make this post, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. If anything insult me, because well thats what I deserve and probably what I would do to someone else.

So since im literally at the end of my fucking rope, I've been trying to rewrite my life as hard as possible. Dedicating literally every minute of every day to improvement. Literally every --single---minute of every ---single--- day. As i write this now im at work, im doing quite a few things inbetween calls, and decided to visit this reddit because I made this account and subscribed to it a few weeks ago.

I probably sound like an idiot going into detail on this, but as embarrassing as it is I will. I made a plan for myself for the next 5 years. The plan includes my goals and ways to achieve them day by day. It also includes checkpoints every so often for me to check In and make sure im actually focusing on my goals. I need these checkpoints because in the past when I tried to do things like this I would lose focus eventually and fall into loads of weed use and alcohol abuse. My goals are listed below in no particular order:

Improve my overall Health - this multi-part goal. It includes both physical and mental health. I weigh 130 lbs pretty much on the dot. I'm not sure what my ideal weight would be (I don't know how I'd look at lets say 170 lbs for me to call that my ideal weight), but the first milestone is 150lbs. I want to hit this in 6 months, or atleast check in at that time. In terms of how I plan to do that, I've detailed a complete workout regime for me. Of course, I could go into detail on that, but the most important step, more important than working out is just eating more. The hardest part of course is always sticking to the regime, but atleast i've wrote down what I need to do. I don't know why but for some reason I just have trouble getting myself to eat. Even when i'm hungry, i'll smoke or go for a walk or go to sleep or just game - I'll do anything but eat. As of today, I'm changing that. For my mental health, I plan to read recreationally more especially when on public transit which Im on for about 2 hours a day. Why reading? I need to stay away from my phone. I spend so much time on discord, losing myself in non-stop content online through youtube or twitch or whatever. I need to get back in touch with me, and not be scared to be in my own thoughts. As a kid i use to read a lot, I was a creative kid. I think somewhere in the weed use I lost that, I want it back. After doing some research I've also started journalling. I Journal twice a day, once in the morning once at night. I try to spend 30 minutes a day total (15 minutes per night/day) writing down my thoughts from the previous day and goals for that day in the morning, and what I actually accomplished and thoughts for the day that night. After reading what I've wrote for just a few days, turns out I'm actually a very bitter person. Maybe not bitter, but definitely angry and intense. I'm also trying to meditate, but Im not really good at this. What I do is just sit down in my room, light a candle, make some tea, close my eyes and think for 10 or so minutes. Any thought that comes in I try to analyze where it came from and if it's a negative thought or stemming from a negative. Im not good at this yet honestly. Its important to know these things aren't something I want to add in only for a limited time. I think I need to do this for the rest of my life, otherwise I spiral fast. My mom has suggested therapy but, I completely refuse. If I can't fix myself I won't get fixed. I'm not scared to ask for help, but therapy is out of the question until I've done absolutely everything I can to fix myself.

Develop a Skill. Particularly I want to program. I've taught myself abit of HTML, CSS, and Javascript. Honestly I'm a complete beginner, but I've dabbled abit. I've made steps to already begin teaching myself in my routine. I've been using codeacademy pro for about a month now and I'm working on deploying my own site (my first project will just be my resume on a responsive one page site, got the idea from a friend). This comes from, I have to develop some type of skill in order to move out of Customer Service. I don't know what else to even do, though IT support comes to mind but I don't want to support anymore I want to create and develop. I'm not trying to avoid work, I just want to avoid working with the general public, and I want to avoid my job being to educate others or fix mistakes they've made. Even though I think that still happens in development, I atleast want a career that pushes me mentally and forces me to improve my skillset in order to stay relevant. Most importantly, I want a job I can be proud of. A job that I myself can be proud of. Even though Customer Service/Call Centers are important for alot of companies, I cannot stand this line of work. It is so mind numbingly tedious and repetitive, and I feel like I am wasting my life and my potential handling these minor inquiries when I know I can use my mind to accomplish and work on something much greater. I don't care how arrogant or fucked up it sounds. It's not that I think i'm better than anyone, I just KNOW that i can achieve more than this. I know that im here because of how shitty of a human i've been. I'm tired of it, I have to change it.

Learn another language. The only other language I've had real interest in is Japanese. Honestly I've been at odds even with myself on this for a long time. Is it bad that I enjoy that type of culture? I'm not trying to be a "weeb" or just say it to sound cool. I've spent time learning to recognize some hiragana/katakana just on my own in the past. I don't think it's a perfect culture or anything, but its the only one that legitimate has always interested me for as long as I can remember. So i've decided to pursue it and fuck it, if I look stupid or like a weeb or whatever I guess I just have to accept that. Again I have my own routine I've detailed for myself for learning, and I have a few people I can actually practice with. I somehow got a friend of mine a job in Japan as a english teacher...but I havent done anything myself to move toward that and I know god damn well I could.

I want to become better at interacting with people. Last few months I've lost myself in just complete self indulgence. I won't go super into detail, but I think we all know what this means. Drug use, alcohol use, long nights on the internet avoiding sleep exploring the most degenerate shit man. The worst is after nights like that you can't look people in the eye, or have normal conversations. It just eats at you knowing youre not only wasting time but spending it on something so shitty and useless. Putting time off with family/friends to stay at home and waste time, I won't do shit like this anymore. When you fall into a rut like this, or whatever it is, all your relationships around you start to crumble. Then I wonder why I havent been in a relationship, lol. Well im done and hopefully by writing this It gives me strength to not fall back into that dark place and keep me on the right path. I will show I can support my family and I can receive their support as well. It will take time to repair these relationships, but If i dont start now I feel like they really will crumble forever.

This is basically my current mental state. I don't know if this even fits this subreddit but I hope it does and if not feel free to inform me. The purpose of this is to show that, I am on the path to self improvement, its all I care about right now. Being better than I've been in the past month. Better than I was yesterday, because if I dont change my life now I'm legitimately scared what I will do or where I will be 5 years from now. If you actually read all this, thanks. If you have any thoughts, please let me know. If I sound stupid, let me know. If I sound like all im doing is crying and complaining, please inform me. You have any videos I can watch on improvement, including mentalities/mindsets/meditation please let me know. Im open to anything. It took me about 2 hours to write this in between calls. As I hit post I'm going back to coding and planning on working on my first project immediately tonight. Guess i'm saying this more for myself than anyone.

Thanks for reading.

-Just

Submitted November 10, 2018 at 11:22PM by StoicJust via reddit https://ift.tt/2z213YJ

#IFTTT #reddit

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rhuemis · 6 years

Note

13. Introduce your current party.

hoo boy so we got:

-Scales

-Rhys

-Jeckyl

-Isiah

imma put the lengthy descriptions under a read more aha

Scales ((I dont think Scales even has a surname lmfao)):

-Warlock but insists that hes the party medic

-A white dragonborn that was born without scales due to a birth defect who has more than a few screws lose, calls himself a ‘doctor’ and we cant quite tell whether thats the truth or not

-Grew up in a brothel and now travels with the party to gain ‘medical knowledge’ whatever that means

-Has dissected the corpse of a literal god, harvests organs from whatever we kill and puts them all into bottles and then offers to transplant them into you if you get even remotely injured

-Is already mildly possessed but then ate some of the tentacles from a weird squid god for fun and then got DOUBLE possessed and tentacles shot out of his mouth and we had to drag him to a temple

-Something burst out of his chest one morning and now its his familiar. We were all stood at the door to his room like ‘This is Scales, this could just be part of his morning routine for all we know.’

- Speaks with a heavy German accent which makes anything Scales does like 4000 times better

-Isiah has literally promised his corpse to Scales

- Despite his quirks is protective of his party and deserves a pat on the snoot every so often

Rhys Lignius

- Half-elf sorcerer that currently has more levels in warlock than sorcerer

- hes the mom friend of the group and is a pretty serious guy, hes the one who gets shit done but not before he monologues so hard that the rest of us party members say ‘oh fuck no im not listening to Rhys’ spiel again’

-Came from a very important family and is very proud of his Latian heritage, doesnt let you forget that hes a big fuckin deal lmao hes on a mission to do something in relation to his father but hes not quite spilled on exactly what yet, hes just trying to get to some ancient ruins

- Is so much of an actual loser that whenever he casts Prestidigitation he clicks his fingers and the whole party has started doing it back at him jokingly

-Despite being a square we all love him and hes probably the most reliable in the group. Lawful Good™.

-Flavours my bacon.

-Is the metaphorical designated driver of the party, cleans up after us shit monkeys.

-Is physically around 22 years old but might as well be 55 years old.

Jeckyl Corvus:

- Newest party member, a half-elf rogue that keeps getting cockblocked from actually stealing anything

-Wrote a really intense anonymous love letter to my character and slid it under his room door at a tavern a few years before the campaign started after watching him perform and recognises Isiah but Isiah doesnt realise it was him who wrote the letter yet

-Spent some time in gay baby jail for being part of a group of thieves that got bamboozled by a rich and powerful family and was abandoned by the people he thought of as family.

-Wanted to be a tailor in the years before his taste for adventuring kicked him in the nards. He ended leaving his family to go and explore but this decision ultimately ended up with his family being stripped of everything they had so now hes plagued by The Guilt™. Wants to eventually save/steal enough money to get his family back on it’s feet again.

-Rugged and handsome but the most important thing you need to know about Jeckyl is that he keeps a pet mouse in his pocket named Rupert and that one day Jeckyl wants to fucking transmute him into an owl or some shit because he just cannot be satisfied huh. ‘Oh Rupert was my only friend whilst I was living on the streets blah blah blah’ yeah sure tell that to his face whilst you go fuckin Fullmetal Alchemist on his ass. Love Rupert for the contents of his character, not his form smh.

-Acts suave and cool but loses all of that composure when it comes to Isiah. Would probably commit sepukku if Isiah died.

-Has a lot of knives, which Scales finds ‘respectable’.

-First combat fuckin crits the fish plant man that had Isiah grappled 15ft underwater out of sheer gay panic. RIP Shape of Water fish man, you’ll be sorely missed.

Isiah Vakalyn:

-My character so you know hes....really something. Half-elf bard.

-Comes from a weirdly strict family who were actually fucking cultists and were ((and probably still are)) planning on sacrificing him to a demon or some shit but Isiah didnt even notice this shit and still has no idea. He thought everybody was taught Infernal and that families were just like that. His family told him to become a bard and he obeyed. They told him study and he obeyed. They limited his interaction to the outside world and he only really started thinking for himself after he made his first proper friend who then also later fucked him over real bad.

-Ran away from home after being cucked by his “only friend” into maybe murdering her dad we dunno if he died or not but I sure did stab him a lot. She lied and told him she was being abused by her dad and Isiah saw red and agreed to her murder plot only to be abandoned midway through. He also pickpocketed for her for like a year beforehand bc she said she was poor. She was very not poor. Bring on the subsequent trust issues.

-Is a bard but hates getting attention so he wears a black rabbit mask when he performs in front anything that isnt a small crowd. He found that mask in his house so you know thats gonna be some spooky cult shit.

- Is only 5′4 and is very conscious of it. Luckily the party is very understanding and calls him ‘the halfling’ or ‘the midget’ lovingly to watch him implode.

-Once accidentally stole a dwarven baby. Named it Isiah jr.

-Has a pet eel named Illius who is the most fuckin talented eel you’ll ever find. He glows! He talks! He beats your ass at card games! Translates languages! We found him behind a door that was sealed by magic and was only opened after Isiah played the music notes on the map we found. Those notes were an exert of a song by the most famous of all bards, Rickus Astelyus. Lo and behold behind the door was a huge tanks with a heckin good boy inside and Isiah adopted him IMMEDIATELY. Loves bacon bits and scritches.

-Received an anonymous love letter a few years back that gives him major anxiety and literally avoids the city he got it from. RIP Jeckyl youre gonna have to talk to him about that, Isiah is oblivious and has no idea lmao.

- Loves to eat bacon and recently bought out the bacon from the local tavern. Feeds some to Illius because its what he deserves. He’s also currently carrying a fuckton of bread, cheese, jam, and flour. Food is practically his way of diplomacy as he gives some to whoever he meets. It’s almost like his way of nervous self-defence. When tentacles shot out of Scale’s mouth Isiah just started shovelling bread into the tentacles and Scales woke up feeling incredibly full lmao.

-Has also in his inventory: a gay erotica book, a romance novel in a language he cant read, a rainbow slinkie, a magic mood ring that gives him poison resistance, 6 wolf teeth, a wolf leg bone, some gems, 4 days worth of rations on top of all the food he already has, a violin, a flute, and a fancy lute that he found in Illius’ chamber.

-Hes just nervous but loud mouthed and contradicts himself a lot. Anxious and eccentric. Says that hes just a bard and wasnt meant for any kind of greater scheme but the universe has other plans.

-Was once dabbed at by the god of entertainment, Apollon. ((Apollon is the only god Isiah really cares about lmao)).

and despite him not being in the party anymore im gonna give honorary mention to my favourite skyrim-glitch-of-a-barbarian, Florys:

-Was the character of a guy who played with us for one session. At the beginning of the next session he was on webcam with us all and we were about to start playing when suddenly his camera cut out and he went offline and weve literally not seen from him since. He’s not been online in over a month now. Some common theories in our group is that hes off fighting ISIS or got arrested for weed right there and then.

-Due to this weird player disappearance our DM, Benjamin, had to take control of Florys whilst we looked for a new party member. In the session that the player disappeared from we didnt know if he was gonna come back or not so Benjamin had Florys suddenly contract a horrific stomach bug and was just in the tavern toilet presumably making a fuckin hole in the floor with the noise it apparently made lmfao Isiah actually had to try and play music over the top of Florys’ shitfest at one point and only just managed to drown the sound out. But as time went by days were eventually passing in the campaign and the player still hadnt come back so poor Florys was not having a great time in the bathroom for several DAYS.

-Eventually the DM realised that this player was not gonna come back and that the party was short on a tank so he started piloting Florys for a while to accompany us on our quest ((and miraculously recovering from his terrifying stomach illness)) but hed forgotten how the player said Florys was so just was making shit up on the fly. I specifically remember the original player of Florys saying ‘Oh Florys isn’t like those stereotypical dumb barbarians’ which is why I lost my shit when the Florys being piloted by the DM turned around and said ‘What the fuck is a triangle?’ ... Florys is practically brain-damaged at this point, I think it might be the DMs retribution for the player disappearing lmao

-Threw all of his hand axes into a river during one fight and then into a cieling the next, which provoked Isiah to jokingly call out: ‘Oh, Florys! You’re so handsome and cool!’ which Florys with his last 2 braincells took seriously. The handsome and cool line became an on-running meme and gets used whenever any of us fucks up lmao

-For some reason grew rlly attached to a piano he found in Illius’ chamber and carried it around with him out of two parts stubborness two parts piano LUST.

-We ended up using him as a mule to carry all of our heavy shit bc he’d just do it and he literally wouldn’t think anything of it.

-We found a giant birds nest and Florys for some reason picked it up and carried it away and got fucking kidnapped by a giant bird so now hes literally just in fucking sky somewhere sat in a birds nest and being flown around which is wild bc we expected the DM to just kill Florys but instead hes just in the fucking sky where he belongs. Like legit hes just sat in there. Hes just in the sky. Godspeed.

HEAVES I could write so much more but this is already incredibly lengthy so here take it

also @redthebattler idk if any of this would be interesting to you lmao

#dnd ask #Anonymous

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beardedwinnerobject-blog · 6 years

Text

How do insurance company’s value cars?

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i had a 07 impala and just got a new 2010 impala and my insurance is cheaper on the new car than the old car why is that?? is the older the car the more it is?? or what really takes place on the prices??

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeautoinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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i have been with Geico for almost a year and right at the 6 months my insurance went down from $90 a month to $77 a month... I think they do what some other companies do and lower every 6 months for not getting involved in an accident but i want to know for sure. if someone has the information for me that would be great... thank you:)

Military car insurance?

Okay so I just graduated boot camp and moved from Texas ( residency) to Virginia. RIght now I have my car insurance through Texas (Geico) and I called them cause I was going to switch it to Virginia and it went up $120 a month!!! I was wondering since im in the military if I can just keep it in my residency state or if I have to switch it where im stationed? Also I am thinking about getting a new car which I would buy here in Virginia so it would have Virginia plates, would I have to switch it then to Virginia insurance? Sorry this is a loaded question but I would greatly appreciate it if you can help me out here and if you have any ideas what I should do , Thanks.""

""Who, out of the two of us, is likely to pay more for car insurance?""

My partner and I don't live together, but we share her car. She has just recently had 6pts added to her driving licence, as for myself, I have always had the use of a family car now and again, I have been insured to drive, but haven't owned my own car, for over 25 years, which of us will have to pay more for insurance, at roughly what percentage?""

What is the cheapest 50cc Moped / scooter insurance for a 16 year old ?

I have been look everywhere for cheap moped / scooter insurance and the cheapest I can see is 320 for third party only. I wanted third party fire and theft, but it doesn't look like I'll be able to afford that if third party is so expensive. The scooter I have is from Direct bikes. It's the sports DB50QT-11. I'm from Scotland and have no convictions. Answers really appreciated. Thanks :)""

Help a 21-year-old choose car insurance?

So I have a 2001 jetta that's being financed. I need full coverage and I have to start looking soon. Anyone havesuggestions on where to get a quote from? What should I expect paying for on a full covered vehicle? By the way, I have a clean record, never been in an accident and this is my first time getting car insurance, or any type of insurance. Thanks in advance...""

How is the health insurance bill in the Senate going to lower costs?

Can someone explain to me how the bill going through the Senate right now does anything to control costs for the average family or person in the US? So far this is what I see: 1) If you have a good plan they are going to tax it - Raises costs 2) The insurance companies will have to cover everyone, even preexisting conditions - Raises costs 3) Cuts payouts to health providers for Medicare - Raises costs on others (they have to make it up) 4) Shifts costs to States for Medicaid - Raises state costs which raise state taxes 5) Cuts how much the Government pays for drugs - Raises cost when pharma makes up costs on private plans 6) Forces businesses to provide insurance for employees - Raises costs on all products Can anyone explain how this bill can lower costs for those who have insurance and keep them from rising? I am all for health insurance reform, these reforms just look terrible to me.""

What is the difference between the Auto Insurance Law and the new Health care law?

Now that some Americans will have to buy health insurance what that makes a difference with buying auto insurance.

08 lancer gts or 08 altima coupe what would be best for 17 year old and cheaper on insurance?

I want one that's fun to drive it has to be reliable I don't want to race but I do want a little speed I want whatever is cheaper on insurance and I'm stuck between these two cars what do you guys think?

Question for everyone...when universal healthcare is instituted?

what is the first thing you'll have done? How will universal healthcare benefit those you love? I know I will go to the chiropractor first, I have insurance now but the copays for the visits are just not affordable. The headaches, neck pain and tendonitis in my wrists are painful and some days unbearable. I know that I will be able to get all the medication that my child needs without worrying about how I'm going to afford it. I know several people with mental health issues who do not take medication that would help them function in society because they can't afford it. I know several elderly people who will be able to get the testing that they need and the correct medication. I also know one elderly person who is only working for health insurance who will be able to afford to retire. How about you? I'm sure a lot of you know people who are struggling who could use help with their medical care.""

Will a stolen recovered car affect the insurance and vehicle value?

I'm looking to purchase a car that is stated stolen/recovered NOT cat C or cat D What does this mean? Will it affect the insurance price? Can I get insurance if I'm 17?

Can I drive my uncle car but im under my grandmothers insurance?

I am under my grandmothers insurance and my uncle let me borrow one of his cars for a month. the car is under his insurance. if i was to get pulled over would i get into trouble for driving his car. all of his insurance information is in the car and his registration. and will i need to bring proof of me under my grandmothers insurance?

Premium rates increase after an auto accident?

I rear-ended a car and that car hit another car. The car in the middle I believe will have lots of damages to repair. When my premium rates increase, what is the deciding factor on how much it will increase? Is it the cost of repairs to the cars? or just the fact that I got into an accident. In addition, with this one accident and 2 cars having damaged does that mean that the insurance company would see me hitting 2 cars instead of one which will increase my premium even more? And by the way, my insurance company is mercury if that helps! Thanks!""

How can I get my first ever used car if I don't have any auto insurance b4?

So here is the conflict: I can't drive the used car off the lot if I don't have insurance. But to get the insurance, I need to have the car purchased first. Am I missing something here?""

Car Insurance Quote...?

I've just been reading up on the internet about car insurance quotes and come across this, http://www.saxperience.com/forum/archive/index.php/t-383714.html On there are ALOT of people saying, when it asks for how long you've had your licence its from when you first had your provisional.. is this true??? i bloody hope so cause this would bring down my insurance down A LOT!""

How much money difference between full coverage and liability?

I'm 24. I have full coverage on my car now, and I pay $106 a month. I am getting rid of my car, and getting a new one that I will not have a loan on. So I plan on getting liability insurance. Around what price difference can I expect after switching from full coverage to liability? Thanks.""

Health insurance question for California.?

I am sixteen and my mother is low income. Is there a state program for health insurance in California?

How do insurance company's value cars?

I am looking to buy a house. I need cheap house insurance. Where would I find this?

""A question about car registration, insurance, etc?""

If I purchased a used car from a private seller, or even a dealer, the title was given to me and I go to the DMV to register it under my name, etc what happens next? Am I allowed to drive the car while waiting for the registration tags to come in and for me to find insurance for the car, or is my car supposed to sit in my driveway until all the registration paperwork with the DMV is completed?""

""I just found out that I am 9 weeks pregnant, which insurance company would insure me if I just found out?""

So I just found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant, and I've been uninsured for the last 5 years, which health insurance will insure me if I JUST found out I'm pregnant?""

How Do I get a reasonable car insurance price for a seventeen year old boy in the UK?

I'm sixteen at the moment, but I'm looking at insurance prices and they're ridiculous! (I got a quote of 5000 at one point :l) Have you got any tips for how to get a lower premium. Thanks. A really comprehensive list would be great because I have no idea! I have tried looking at insurance group one cars, but the prices are still really high.""

How do I pay my life insurance premiums on line for Globe Life and Accident Insurance Co.?

I don't have the website written down to Globe Insurance correctly and don't know how to get to the correct one so I can pay my bill. All I need is the website that allows me to pay my premium on line

Free health insurance for the unemployed?

i am unemployed and have no health insurance. is there a program in pa. where i can get health insurance for free or at a very low price?

Insurance costs for a 19 year old with a street bike in Nebraska.?

I am 19 years old and live in the state of Nebraska. I have never received any speeding tickets or traffic violations. I want to buy a Kawasaki ninja 650 or a Yamaha yzf-r 600 and I would like to know about how much insurance would be for that per month.

Health insurance question?

can your parents drop your health insurance he your not 26 yet????

Car insurance?????

what is the cheapest and the best for full coverage?

Who offers the best and most affordable medical insurance?

i am a 19 year old female from southern california. I work full time and not currently going to school. my job does not offer medical benefits i would like coverage asap. please help me out!

Motorcycle insurance quotes?

Anyone know how much comprehensive or third party fire and theft insurance on a 08 CBR 600 would be for a 32 year old not having ridden in 10 years any bikes,and just passed driving test ?! Just looking for quick quote from those in the know really,before I ring around on Monday for some actual quotes from insurance companies. And also can anyone recommend any motorbike insurance companies in uk ? Thanks in advance""

How much will it cost me to insure a ford focus - just give me an idea.?

Plese could anyone give me a rough idea how much it would cost to insure a ford focus. I just want to do it the cheapest way posssible. Its a 020 reg and i am currently using the car to deliver parcels so the insurance at the moment is forty pounds plus a month as im self employed. I will be leaving my job soon so just want to revert back to a normal quote but the insurer said they will charge me more if i pull out early and also he said it will be round about that price if you insure it with any other insurer. This is so confusing. Can anyone give me an idea of how much they pay.?

Is it illegal to drive without insurance?

I got my G1, and you allowed to drive with an adult in the car. But i don't yet have insurance but my mom does, if she has insurance can i still drive the car? She wont let me because i don't have my own insurance yet. Is it legal for me to drive?""

Around how much does insurance cost for a sports car?

Hello I am looking to buy a 2007 mustang but my dad is telling me it's a bad idea because insurance is going to be too high. The mustang I'm looking at costs 9,989 and I plan to leave a 1000$ down payment and just pay monthly. I need a new car because I have been driving my 2000 Jetta 5 years and every year it has broken down on me at least 3 times! And last Friday I'm hoping it broke down on me for the last time. I need a new car. I only pay 35 for insurance right now I only have liability and I understand that since I am not paying for the mustang up front I'm defiantly going to need full coverage. Im 22 years old and i finally got promoted at work So I want to get something nice for myself. I still cannot afford a brand new car so I am looking to get a decent used car. I fell in love with this mustang & it's not that I can't afford the insurance (I don't even know how much it cost?) but my dad says I should save money and not get a sports car. I'm just not sure how to go about buying a car. My dad pretty much isn't helping me since I'm really interested in this one so I'm alone on this process. can someone please help me out ?""

Getting Health Insurance?

I am a 38 yr old female and I have a 45 yr old male signifigant other.I need to know how to get health insurance without having to provide income tax return.We both make under 20,000 a year and my job does not have health insurance and my partner is self employed.Is there a way to get health insurance like getting car insurance by just paying a mothly premium.We need health insurance badly because my partner has asthma.""

What health insurances would my sister and I qualify for in NY?

My sister and I are in our mid 20s. We both work and she lives with me at my apartment. i was curious if we could get cheap health insurance as a group. medicaid? or some plan that we could both pay into to get check ups and health care. we dont make much money. i qualified for healthy NY but never went through with it. Im waiting to see if i get a new job but sofar no good. I really dont know how the healthcare system works. we cant afford trips to the ER anymore for minor problems. I need to know what documents and proofs that we may need in order to apply for anyplan. i just dont know where to look or begin. Im talking at least 3 check ups a year each. Are there even plans for 2 people? thanks any info would be greatly appreciated!

Why are my insurance quotes so high?

I have tried searching for insurance on my moms car which is a Suzuki Swift GL 1.3 and I'm getting back quotes of 10,949.50 cheapest fully comprehensive and 6,404.20 Third Part, Fire and Theft. I passed my test january this year and I'm 18, I had temporary insurance on the car for a month in april and a week in june, the month in april cost 55 with Tesco and the week in june cost 70 with another company. I've also tried searching for insurance on other smaller engined cars like a citroen saxo 1.1i SX and got cheapest price coming back at 4,777.63 I live in Birmingham and have set it as the car being parked in the garage over night. Am I doing something wrong?""

What are some affordable health insurance in the NJ area?

I am 25 years old and currently unemployed. I will be a student in the health care field and I'm required to purchase health insurance. I also have to get a physical exam along with vaccinations. I looked online for some insurance and I have to pay at least $250 a month which is too much for me. Are there any affordable health insurance?

Car insurance?

Car insurance? Question. My boyfriend was driving my car... and my insurance is just liability insurance...My boyfriend does not have insurance. He was pulled over and given a speeding ticket. It says on the paper attached that if he did not show proof of insurance he would need to send that in with the ticket.. the cop did not ask for proof of insurance.. and also on the ticket... it says financial responsibility shown? and the office marked YES..... does that mean he lucked out this time

Car insurance?

my husband has just been sent a letter saying he has been done for doing 38 in a 30mph limit and has encured 60 fine and 3 penalty points. what is the situation regarding his car insurance . does he have to inform them about it? i think he should but my sister says you dont have to.

How can I get free health insurance?

My husband and I can't afford health insurance. Is there a way to get it for free? We live in southern California.

Does full coverage insurance cover repair costs of the other vehicle 100%?

there's no damage to my car (only bend license plate), but scratches on the other person's bumper. I have full coverage insurance in California and just made my claim. Since my car doesn't need fixing, will my insurance cover the repairs on their vehicle completely?""

I am 59yo. Is it wise to carry a term life insurance for 100K? What are the advantage to this? I am divorced?

I am retired. My premium cost is $680 per year. It is a 20 year policy which I picked up when I was 59, now I am 74 yo. Give me your opinion.""

What do you recommend for cheap car insurance for me?

Can someone recommend a cheap insurance company please! Many thanks

I just got a speeding ticket how much will insurance go up?

Im 18 i was speeding to get to school, 50 in 35... The ticket was worth 50 dollars, i pay 1200 a year for insurance and i was wondering how much it goes up, and my insurance company is farris insurance in Hickory NC, and my sister works there.""

How do insurance company's value cars?

Raising money for individuals with health condition?

I'm just curious about why people ask for donation and fund raising for people with health condition here in Canada. Health care is free that will cover most of the medical ...show more

Should i purchase insurance when renting a car from the rental company?

should I purchase insurance when renting a car from the rental company. I have my own car insurance for my car.

How Much Is Insurance For a 16 Year Old Girl?

16 year old girl Good school attendance record.Grades could be better. Dallas,Texas. Hispanic(If that matters) Mom and Stepdad have Allstate insurance What is the general price range? And for these cars,can you estimate(I'm NOT getting these cars just curious)I am getting a used Dodge avenger though!(: 2008 Dodge Charger 2010 Chevy Camaro 2008/2009 Dodge Avenger""

I hit someones car (My first accident)?

I was pulling out and hit another car I was going under 5km/h backing up and I cut the wheel to much and hit a parked car How much is that gonna cost me We are not going through insurance How much would it cost to paint it

Fire insurance in south florida?

I know I will never be able to afford full house insurance in south Florida. But I would like just fire insurance. any ideas? thanks

Can I pay a AAA Auto Insurance bill online?

I'm in California but I don't know if that makes any diffrence.

Where can i get affordable health insurance for less than 100 dollars a month?

just for me. i dont want a company that will take a week to decide..i want something fairly fast...can anyone help/? thanks

A question on fully comprehensive car insurance cover?

im 17 years old and am insured with quinn direct. I was just wondering if i would be able to drive other cars not insured under my name on third party? thanks for the help :)

Can Drivers under 18 without a car drive with their parents insurance?

I just got my drivers license and I don't have a car. Im not 18, and i don't think i will be driving enough to have to need a car, or to pay insurance every month. But if ever ...show more""

""Could $5,000 cover the healthcare insurance premium for a family?""

If McCain's credit becomes reality, doesn't it seem logical that a major healthcare provider would put together an affordable health insurance package for the credit amount and market the heck out of it? Obviously, it won't have all the bells and whistles, but people would be covered. There is the issue of the tax on the premium, but it still seems like a good idea. This link was interesting - it describes both plans clearly: http://money.cnn.com/2008/03/10/news/economy/tully_healthcare.fortune/""

Fleet Insurance?

Can anyone who has fleet insurance tell me roughly how much would it cost to insure 4 cars for a car rental business. i am doing an a level business studies project and need to know. thanks for your help!!!

Health insurance part time work ?

how to get coverage?

Car insurance question?

My car got hit... the bumper is almost falling off. It is not my fault and the other person's insurance is covering it and they are sending me a check to cover the cost of it being fixed. Here's the thing... my car is a POS. I doubt it's even worth $1000. Do I have to get my car fixed with the money? Or can I use it how I want (such to help get a new car with)? I know the ethical thing to do would be to get it fixed, but it may actually be totaled (still drivable but the cost of getting it fixed may be more than it's worth). I was thinking about telling the insurance company, but I don't want to risk losing the $ to get it fixed... I've heard of other people getting in accidents, then getting the check and just not getting the car fixed. Anyone know?""

How can I sort out this car insurance issue in the UK?

I've been living in the UK doing some studies for 3 years. When I came to the UK, I didn't know how to drive a car. Also, I found it difficult to pass the driving test in the UK and afford private driving lessons. Few months ago, I went for a 3-month holiday in my original country, Egypt. There, learning how to drive is much easier and less expensive. Besides, issuing a driving license is not so difficult as the theoretical and practical tests are not so complicated. Therefore, I decided to learn and get a national license. Based on this license, I could issue an international one from Cairo that allowed me to drive in some countries one of which is the UK. However, when I returned to the UK and decided to by car, I found a proper one for 550. I decided to buy it, but I was asked to go online to get a quote from a car insurance company. I spent the whole night trying all the websites that my friends told me about. The shocking fact is that many of them refused to give me a quote because I hold an international license, not a UK one. Even those websites which accepted that requested a huge amount of money (i.e. not less than 1, 200-1, 600) which is much higher than the price of the car itself. I wonder if there's a way to sort this out or if there's any alternative solution that saves money for me. I don't want to go through any further driving tests in the UK. Also, I don't want to provide wrong data (e.g. having a full-UK license). Your suggestions are highly valued (serious answers please as I really feel down!). Thanks so much in advance!""

""Can you recommend a good house insurance company for Houston, Texas?

Looking to buy a new insurance policy for my house

How much is my insurance?

I basically know nothing about insurance. im 17, the car is a 99 kia sephia with 80,000 miles and its red. i live in a suburban town in new jersey. help me out p.s. i didnt want to find a quote thing online because i dont want them calling my house and stuff since u have to give info""

What are the minimum requirements to insure a moped (UK)?

I have recently passed my car driving test and was told a easy way to reduce my insurance cost (because it was 3000+ per year) was to insure a moped for a year, not drive it but thus getting a years no claims. Obviously this then will reduce the insurance quote for the next year. (I am also going to undertake the PassPlus Scheme). So... I was just wondering what the minimum requirements are to insure a moped? Do I have to have passed a CBT (Cycle Basic Training)? Do I need a motorcycle license or will my UK driving license cover a moped up to 50cc? Does the moped need to be taxed throughout the whole year or just for the start of the insurance cover? (EG: if the tax runs out during the policy will it invalidate it?) Does the moped need a valid MOT or is it alright if it expires during the year that the policy will run?""

How much would my car insurance cost?

If i were to leave my parents insurance plan, how much would it cost me for insurance per year or month? I am 18 years old with no accident records, no criminal records, and a drivers ed discount. My car is a 1997 Plymouth Breeze with 150k miles and its red. I still live at home. If someone is in the same kind of situation can I just get an estimate...I think this covers everything that effects car insurance for college students, and I don't have a good grade discount. Oh yeah, I am on Liberty Mutual insurance under my fathers plan.""

Car insurance for teens?

what is the price difference between the insurance for an adult and for a teen. if it depends in the car then i am thinking in buying a Honda Accord of Civic, or an Acura Integra or Acura Legend.""

Will auto insurance find out about my ticket?

I got 2 tickets carless driving and 62 in a 40. My truck has insurance in my grandpas name. the cop asked for my insurance but i lied and said i didnt have it so he didnt even see a insurance card. do you think that progressive will find out? they did last time when i got pulled over but i gave the cop insurance

""My car got hit, older model car, no collision coverage what would insurance?

I have a 2001 Honda civic and my car got hit it wasn't my fault but I don't have collision coverage. What would happen? will my insurance go up? Will I get to keep my car? Help!!

""Camaro insurance, gas and racing information?""

Does anyone know how much insurance will be for a soon to be 16 year old '89-'93 Camaro driver? I've heard that Camaros are gas guzzlers and my boyfriend lives a half hour away and that could get quite costly. So, this may be a retarded question, but is there anyway I could get better gas mileage? Any other helpful information on Camaros would be great. Also, I intend to start racing with my boyfriend, would a '89-'93 Camaro be a good racing car? What should I do to make an average Camaro into a good, fast car? Thanks in advance everyone! :]""

Can I afford the insurance for this car?

I'm 17. I may purchase a 2003 Chevy Cavalier Coupe after I get my g2 next week. I'm wondering what insurance will be like? I know there are many variables, but I'm looking for a ballpark figure. I make about $500-600 a month. Since my parents both own vehicles, I can't go under their insurance as an Ocassional Driver, forcing me to have my own insurance as opposed to being under my parents' name. I can't call for a quote because I dont have my g2 yet :P""

""Republicants, you do know that the larger the insurance pool the lower the cost?

Everybody pays into a pool it makes it cheaper overall.

How much on average would liability insurance cost after 2 dwi's (5 years ago)?

It's been over 5 years (and sober!). I'm on a tight budget though and need a car for work now. I already figured what the interlock will cost me, but I have no idea on insurance. I don't know if it will be $100-$300 a month. After the first DWI (bad college years), it was about $125 a month I think. So I'm really hoping it stays under $250 at least a month just for liability. Anyone have any ideas? Thanks :)""

How do insurance company's value cars?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-estimated-price-being-added-onto-parents-car-priscilla-english"

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