I should be allowed to fucking maim shit because im the specialest person on earth. and because ive earned it

Have i fucking ever given you a reason to think im a scumbag, think real fucking hard. After everything we went through, all the support, all the "love" and appreciation for eachother. I have been nothing but there for you. I have done nothing but try to be understanding towards you and patient. Sometimes we didnt communicate and it made things difficult, but was i a scumbag? Did i ever do anything to you or anyone to make you think i didnt try my best to be there or helpful or a good fucking person. I dont like drama, i dont hate anyone, i dont want to see anyone upset or angry, especially you. You deserve the fucking world, everyone does. So what the fuck happened man, what makes you think i was actually talking shit about you. Whos twisting my words or your mind and why was it so easy for you to disregard all ive been towards you over the past year. Best manager ive ever had and one of my best friends, you got me my job and ive been slowly recovering and pleased to be there. Now what, you think im so much of an asshole you guys banned me from the stores and were ready to press charges over something i said? What did i say, fucking call me and tell me. Cuz i dont fucking know. If you think i drunk talked to people i havent. I havent been drunk at work since you told me to never do it again, and that was when i was working for you. Drunk now? Drunk texting people at my job now? No, and no. Im about to go to work and be anxious about how everyone there probably thinks im a scumbag now, whole town probably lowkey thinks it because thats the kind of place it is. All regulars, lots of drama. If i wanted to make your life hell i couldve told everyone we fucking slept together, an obvious lie and we both know it but everyone else would question and talk about it. That would be a scumbag move. Would i? No, never, even now being as pissed off as i am. I respected your requests. The "dont text back, delete those posts, etc". I lied to him about kissing you, all of it to help try and keep your mental state okay while mine fucking broke. Ive only ever spoken highly of you at my job. Ive lied so much to the people asking why i quit working for you to save your image because i still fucking care about you. "I left because i didnt enjoy some of the people i worked with and it was just a stressful environment to work in, or just needed to feel like i was moving up in the world or needed a change of pace". You dont think im important anymore or am not a good person? Who are you. What the fuck happened to you man. We were good friends and you were so quick to toss me aside fucking multiple time. Getting past the "relationship" was a good reason to toss me aside. It def helped us both give up on that, but tossing aside our friendship like we didnt have one. Tossing me aside now, thinking ive just became an asshole in the past few weeks and am trying to shit on your life? Are you just saying all this to try and get past me or what idk man, if you are and care about me at all anymore then please fucking stop because youre hurting me even more. Like what the fuck man. Im so pissed off at you right now, and i should hate you but i just fucking cant and thats pissing me off even more. Forgive all my swearing to any christians reading this if anyone reads this at all, but i try to be a man of God and you know that too. So i forgive you for thinking im some cunt now. I forgive you for the emotional rollercoaster waiting for you to change was. You said you ruined my life, you didnt. You damaged me and broke me but i forgive you, im repairable. I still have my whole life ahead of me. I wasnt it, i wasnt enough, i wasnt the one, i wasnt important, everything you said i was, wasnt, even though you said you meant everything you say to me. Its all very clear to me now thank you. I forgive you. Youve really pissed me tf off though. Youve always wondered/wanted to see me get pissed off, well here it is, congrats you did it.

For dayton can you write being childhood best friends with him and you've always been there at his races and one day your running late so you don't get to see him before for his pep talk. And his race goes horribly and eventually when he sees you he gets angry and you get in to a argument. But eventually he makes it up to you.

A/N: Alright, here’s my first go at writing for Dayton White! I watched Logan Lucky and absolutely adored it. Dayton does not get the love he deserves! I decided Im going to make this at least a two parter, potentially spanning into one or two more. I really want to dive into the past with these two! This will focus more on their relationship growing up, while the second (and potentially third) part will contain more of the angst. Once again if I don’t write for a Seb character you like, just ask and I’ll try and gain access to it! I hope you guys enjoy. I also really hate to do this, but I recently quit my job due to a toxic work environment. Here is my ko-fi, if you can donate that would be cool, but if you can’t no pressure!!! Love you all ❤️

https://ko-fi.com/kyleey01

Pairings: Dayton White x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Fluff, no proofreading (I’ll get to it)

Word Count: 2.5k

You’re Always There Part 1

Your earliest memory of Dayton was meeting him at Memorial Park in your hometown. You were both 5 years old, new to the world outside of your home. It was the day before Kindergarten, and both of your parents wanted you to make new friends before the first day of school. Hopefully meeting someone in your class, they felt you wouldn’t be as scared being truly away from them for the first time. You only had a single mom, and she did everything for you that she could, even taking you to the park after her long day at work. Dayton had both parents, making it easier for him to let go and meet new people. His home was “complete” by societal standards.

“Mommy I don’t wanna go play on the slide. I wanna go home and play dinosaurs with you” you said looking up at your mother.

She kneeled down to look you in the eye, holding her shining gaze with yours looking both serious and concerned, “Honey, you know you go to school tomorrow. This is your chance to go meet someone new, maybe even have a friend when you go into school tomorrow.”

You were extremely hesitant. You loved your momma, and she loved you more than anything. You had friends on your street that you liked to play with, but your mom was never far away, only a quick yell and she would be there. This was different. She had told you she wasn’t going to be there if you needed her, and that you would have to wait until school was over to see her again. You cried for two days straight after you had the “school” talk. What were you going to do without your mom? She was your superhero, your friend, and the best mother in the whole wide world. You didn’t need anyone else. That’s what you thought, at least. Until you met Dayton.

“Go on chickadee, go make some friends. You’re a big girl now who can build pyramids with blocks and cut out dinosaurs with scissors, you can do anything” your mother said with a smile.

This was all you needed to muster up the courage to conquer the slide. You nodded at your mom and ran off towards the wooden playground. They really should’ve made these things plastic, with splinters and bee stings being common afflictions of being on the playground, but it didn’t matter to you. It was fun all the same.

You began to climb the steps of the huge castle, making your way through drawbridges and holes through the wood to get to the slide. There were two other little girls there, a little older than you, maybe seven. You mustered up a quiet “hi” but they didn’t hear you, already screaming and running off in a different direction. Just when your hopes of making a friend had been dashed, you heard another voice from behind you.

“Hi. What’s your name?”

A boy of brunette hair and ocean blue eyes was staring at you expectantly. You weren’t expecting anyone to respond except those girls, so you were timid at first. You opened your mouth to speak several times but nothing came out. You started to become overwhelmed, tears welling up in your eyes.

The boy noticed, looking at you confused. He had only asked you your name. However, his momma always said if someone was crying, you fix it.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me your name. Do you need a hug?”

All you could do was nod, strangely opening up to this welcoming boy. He smiled and brought you in for a tiny hug. He wants gentle, kind of rough actually as he swayed you back and forth with energy. He pulled away, hoping you had felt better. You did.

“I’m Dayton” he said, smiling at you.

You smiled back, with tear stains still on your cheek.

“I’m Y/N”

“Y/N, it looks like you need another hug” Dayton gave you another hug, holding you until he stopped hearing the faint sniffle that escaped your body every so often.

You pulled away, nodding to indicate you were alright now.

“You wanna go down the slide? My mommy is probably wondering where I am” Dayton asked innocently.

You nodded, relief washing over you that someone wanted to be your friend

“That sounds awesome.”

_______________________________________________

From that day forward, you and Dayton were attached at the hip. Elementary school had been a breeze. Thankfully, Dayton was in your class your first year. Although it didn’t stay that way, you would always find time to meet and play during recess. Recess time turned into meeting after school, and meeting after school extended into high school.

Dayton began racing during freshman year. Your school offered a racing club which allowed students to meet after school and go to various tracks in the state to see what it was like to race. You and Dayton had always gone Go-Kart driving on the weekends, but you never thought it would turn into anything serious. Dayton, however, has found his passion. He started building his own race car after school sophomore year, and even asked if you would come over to help. You knew absolutely nothing about building a race car, but Dayton wanted you to be there and that’s all that mattered.

“Y’know I know nothing about building a damn car right? Do YOU even know anything about building a car?” you posed to Dayton in an almost accusatory tone.

“As a matter of fact, Y/N, I have been studying how to build this ‘damn car’ for over a year now, so why don’t you put a little respect on Francine’s name?”

“Well, Dayton, I suggest you begin studying geometry before you fail the quarter. And you named the thing already? Is it your lover or you car?”

“It’s both” he gave you a weird wink, one on the left, and then another on the right in secession.

“You are absolutely gross, White. I can’t believe I ever agreed to go down that slide with you when we were five. It was probably all apart of your evil plan to keep me from being someone else’s best friend just so I could build this car with you” you rolled your eyes as you sat on the hood of his family car.

“God you’re so right. You caught me. Our entire friendship has been a sham, and it all led up to this moment. And now that I finally have you where I want you...” he said with a low growl, planting both of his hands on either side of you as you sat on the hood of his car.

“I’m gonna get ya!” He said tickling your sides

You shrieked, absolutely taken aback that his hands were all over you.

God, his hands were all over you.

Alright, maybe he is cute, but there was no way you two would ever date. You came to that conclusion a long time ago. Your crush developed in the 6th grade, which is absolutely astounding considering middle schoolers are anything but normal. Even in the most awkward stage of life Dayton still managed to be charming and cute as ever. You were determined to tell him, but he would never shut up about Stacey Waterson. You hated her with every fiber of your being. What was wrong with you after all? You had it all, at least that’s what your mom said. You were decently pretty, immensely funny, and his best friend. You shared everything together. What more could he want? Well, the answer to that question would be Stacey Waterson. He wanted her, and not you.

You came back to from the tickling after laughing for what seemed like minutes. Your sides were hurting from contracting your ab muscles for too long. You pushed Dayton off of you playfully, but he pounced back on you, pinning your arms above your head.

“Say the password and I’ll let you go” he stared you down, being absolutely serious.

However, you wanted to double check.

“You can’t be serious” you retorted back, completely flustered due to the situation you were currently in on top of the incessant tickling that occurred just moments before.

“Oh, I’m serious. Say the password and I’ll let you go!” He said with a huge smile on his face.

“Jesus Christ, let me go you dick” you said while struggling to get up.

Dayton made a loud buzzing sound in your face.

“Try again!”

“Dayton come on let me up!”

Dayton made another loud buzzing sound in your face.

“Come on Y/N, just one little word and this can all go away. All you gotta do is say..”

“Goddamnit Dayton, chicken! Chicken for fuck’s sake” you said waiting for his response.

Dayton made another loud buzzing sound in your face.

“I’m sorry, that’s the old password. There’s a new password” he smiled at you, knowing this was ridiculous.

You finally mustered up the strength to push him off of you.

“What do you mean the password has changed!”

The password “chicken” has been used in every single scenario since you first let. For whatever reason, You and Dayton found that word hilarious when you were at a birthday party in the third grade. It was Danny Henry’s 8th birthday, and of course it was chicken themed. Every child gets infatuated with a new thing every year. Danny happened to live on a farm, and all year he wouldn’t stop talking about getting a pet chicken. You all wore chicken hats, there were chicken plates, a chicken cake. There was even a “Pin the Beak on the Chicken” game which, if you do say so yourself, was way more entertaining than “Pin the Tail on the Donkey.” You and Dayton lost it by the time your mom picked you up from the party, absolutely hysterical in the backseat. Ever since then, it was your secret password for everything.

“I was thinking we should change stuff up. Make up a new password, it has been seven years since we thought of one.”

“Oh yeah? And what is this new life changing password that is soooo good that our childhood memory is being brushed under the rug?” you question.

Dayton had an almost hurt look on his face, but he proposed the new password to you anyways. 

“I thought the new password could be Francine. Y’know, I just think this is another great milestone in our friendship, working on this car and all. This day is really important to me and I’m glad you’re here” he said with sincerity.

You didn’t know what to say. This day did mean a lot to him, and your friendship overall. 

You nodded in agreement. 

“Alright, the new password is Francine. However, I will still be accepting chicken as a password in the future.”

Dayton smiled one of the biggest smiles you had ever seen.

“Deal. Now, let’s get this car on the road. We have a lot of work to do if I’m gonna be ready for my first ever official race next Saturday.”

______________________________________________

Race day was here. You woke up early next Saturday morning and drove over to Dayton’s house to pick him up to go to the race track. Dayton’s dad was taking his race car down in their trailer, but you and Dayton wanted to head to your special place before the race. It was eight o’clock in the morning and Dayton had until noon to get to the race track. 

Ever since the 6th grade, you and Dayton would walk to this rock in the woods after school to talk about your day. Your mom got home at seven every night, so you only had four hours to do something before she got home and realized you were “missing.” You talked about everything on that rock, and that rock was also where you realized you had the biggest crush on someone since your infatuation with Paul Rudd in “Clueless.”

You pulled up in your beat up Dodge Intrepid, newly sporting your license. You grabbed some granola bars and bottles of orange juice to enjoy while sitting on the rock.

You both sat down on ground, leaning up against the thing. You both sighed and enjoyed the crisp cool morning air. Finally, you broke the silence.

“You nervous for today?”

Dayton looked down between his legs while chewing on his granola bar.

“I am absolutely terrified. I mean, what if I mess up?”

You laughed a little.

He looked at you with confusion.

“What’s so funny?” 

You shook your head.

“it’s your first are Dayton. It’s okay to be nervous and even mess up. At the end of the day, everyone is going to be proud of you. We’ll all tell you how great you did because we know how much you care about this. You’ll do amazing.”

He smiled, almost not expecting such kind words to come from your mouth.

“You’re something else Y/N, ya know that?”

“Oh yeah? Stacey Waterson is something else too I bet” you said half jokingly, half serious.

He rolled his eyes. 

“Who gives a fuck about Stacey Waterson when I have a girl like you to cheer me on and surprisingly gives the best pep talks.”

“Well the way I see it she was the one who got the invitation to prom, not little old me who will be spending that Saturday night in my basement playing my PlayStation.” 

He shook his head again.

“I never asked Stacey to prom.”

You suddenly shifted to look at him square in the face.

“What?”

“I said, I didn't ask Stacey to prom.”

You were dumbfounded. He told you he was absolutely determined to take her. What had changed?

“W-Why? Why didn’t you ask her?”

He kept smiling and shaking his head.

“God Y/N, for being one of the smartest girls I have ever met you really can be dumb sometimes.”

“Excuse you, Dayton White, I happen to be taking AP U.S History, Honors Biology, and-”

That’s when you thought heaven had fell down from the skies and landed right on that rock.

Dayton had leaned in and kissed you. God, why did he have to be so charming?

He slowly took your lip into his mouth and gently sucked on it. You reciprocated by taking his top lip into your mouth and began moving your mouth with his. Time had stopped. It felt like you had molded into one person, enjoying the sensation of each other’s lips. 

He finally pulled away, looking you dead in the eyes.

“Do you understand now?”

You nodded, still stunned by his actions.

“I think we better go. I wanna see this handsome boy I kissed win his first race.”

hello!!! im going on a very long trip at the end of april and I'm looking for some very long fics to download to keep me entertained! i dont care what they're about as long as there's no major character death or mentions of non-con. ur blog is a godsend ilysm and you do such a good job thank you so much 🙏

hi there!! i definitely have a lot of good lengthy fics i can recommend to you!

quote love unquote by newamsterdam 

Sero nods. “It’s the chance of a lifetime, really,” he says. “We want you to date Bakugou, for the sake of his reputation with the press. Some public appearances, a few ‘candid’ photos. For at least a couple of months.”

“Bakugou sent you to ask me to date him?” Kirishima asks, baffled.

“Of course not. We, his people, are asking you to date him. He’s going to have to get on board, if he wants his career to survive. And in the bargain, Riot will get all sorts of publicity, because their lyricist will be dating one of the industry’s hottest stars. A win for everyone.”

When Kirishima Eijirou's band hits the big time, he's not prepared for his newfound fame. He's even less prepared to meet the actor he's been crushing on for years, or to start dating him as a publicity stunt. The closer Kirishima gets to Bakugou Katsuki, the more he realizes he's in over his head. But it's hard to stop, once his heart is in it.

acceptance and denial by poteto

It all goes okay when Kirishima decides to come out to his friends and it all goes wrong when decides that Bakugou is the best fake boyfriend material.

cause the darks not taking prisoners tonight by imatrisarahtops

“Are those soba noodles?” Kirishima asked.

Again Bakugou’s only reply was a grunt. He offered no further explanation—not that Kirishima honestly expected one—as though making soba noodles from scratch at half past four in the morning wasn’t at all a bizarre occurrence and made complete and total sense. For a fleeting moment, Kirishima even wondered if maybe he was the odd one here. Besides, he’d already decided it was generally not in his best interest to question these types of things with Bakugou, especially when it was something essentially harmless.

When Kirishima has a nightmare and is unable to fall back asleep, he accepts defeat and decides to study in the common area of the dorms. What he doesn't expect to find is Bakugou, also very much awake, and Kirishima can't help but think that maybe they're both having the same problems with sleeping. If he's worried, it's just because they're friends. (Right?)

the weight of your hand by kamin

That night, to the citizens, the explosions were a jolt of fear at every blast, but to the heroes and the students of UA, they were punches and swings, fierce fighting and loud strength. The explosions were the pulse of the battle, and the power of a boy that would never back down.

One after another, explosions set a chorus through the shuddering city.

And then, suddenly—the explosions stopped.

(In which Bakugou’s kidnapping goes a little differently, and just a few seconds could change so much.)

so take my hand (your life will be brighter) by multiclassmaps

When a stranger shows up at the ice rink during Bakugou's usually private training sessions, Bakugou expects to hate him. He doesn't expect to develop feelings that become increasingly difficult to deny, or for them to help each other sort through their emotional baggage. - Bakugou really didn't like Kirishima's smile. There was something about it that made his stomach hurt, something about it that made it difficult to focus. He definitely hadn't thought about that smile on his way to the ice rink that day. He definitely hadn't.

distance makes the heart grow fonder (false) by dragontrappedinhumanskin

When Bakugo and Kirishima get hit by a quirk that forces them to literally stick together or face the less then desirable consequences, how the fuck is Bakugo supposed to keep his crush hidden?! Well, turns out he never needed to.

-- “Well, this fucking sucks, how are we supposed to train?!” "Really closely?"

perihelion by tauontauoff

Bakugou was a comet, blazing out of reach. Kirishima knew he was stupidly lucky that his furious trajectory went by close enough that his fingertips got to graze the cowl of fire. It was enough.

During Christmas Class 1A and 1B spend a laid-back week learning about extreme environment hero work in the Alps. Kirishima was used to keeping part of his feelings for Bakugou hidden, and had every intention of keeping it that way, but things don't always go according to plan.

fight me by mr_todoroki

Bright red, spiky hair. Annoyingly bright smile. Clothes that radiate ‘look at me’ vibes. Neon yellow tank top with black shorts. And those were definitely crocs on his fucking feet.

Yeah, Katsuki hated this guy.

-

Bakugou gets a new roommate.

quietly by chezka

“We’ve been taking the same way to and from school for weeks,” Kirishima grinned, and then when Bakugou frowned at him he put on an affected pout, tilted his head so that he was looking at him through his thick, long lashes, “you never noticed? Am I that easy to miss?”

He could barely finish the sentence before a laugh escaped his lips, and Bakugou rolled his eyes, hit him with a shoulder a little more violently than necessary.

“You stick out like a sore thumb, broom-head,” he grumbled, promptly ignoring Kirishima's whining about his hairstyle when it started coming, “I didn’t notice ‘cause I didn’t care.”

“And now you do?”

everyone knows that cats are independent by purplepersnickety

Eijirou enjoys his job, working the graveyard shift at a 24/7 coffee shop. His daemon Riot is always there to keep him company, and he likes meeting the early-morning patrons and giving them the best possible kick-start to their day. It's been his routine for about a year now.

Then one day, a grouchy guy with a daemon in the form of a lion walks into the shop in the dead of night, and Eijirou decides to strike up a conversation with him.

punks not dead by wrunic

“So you want to use me to piss off your mom?” Kirishima summarized, raising one pierced eyebrow at Katsuki.

“Look, if you want to be all fucking judgy about it, I take cash,” Katsuki said, dropping his hand palm up on the table.

“Hey now,” Kirishima said, raising his hands in surrender, “I didn’t say I wasn’t doing it. I’m always down for a little chaos.” He flashed a grin, showing off his ridiculous shark teeth.

“Good,” Katsuki said. “We start tomorrow."

sent, delivered, read, loved by kiribakuhappiness

Kirishima E. [6.49pm]: ur okay for such an angry dude bakugou! :)

Bakugou K. [7.12pm]: FUCK YOU!

Kirishima E. [7.14pm]: haha! :D ttyl!

Bakugou K. [7.48pm]: FUCKING WHAT DO THOSE DUMB LETTERS MEAN???

Bakugou K. [7.52pm]: I JUST LOOKED IT UP DONT FUCKING TALK TO ME LATER!

Bakugou K. [7.52pm]: STOP TXTING ME!!!

- OR -

Bakugou's and Kirishima's relationship develops from classmates to friends to more, as told through their text conversations.

flicker by mr_todoroki

He was starting to feel depressed. Life was so uninteresting. It was so mundane and forgettable. He had no one to hang out with besides Kota, his family didn’t even live in the city.

He grew his hair out as some sort of rebellion, some sort of stand to make his life the slightest bit more interesting. But he could already feel himself giving in to the pressure of cutting it. He needed to work to live. Without a job, he’d truly have nothing.

OR

Kirishima never applied to UA, therefore never became a hero.

let’s get down to business by kjelfalconer

Katsuki Bakugou, one of the brightest rising stars on wall street, is in need of a new personal assistant. Again. Could Eijirou Kirishima finally be the one to last more than two months?

Katsuki's long suffering HR department sure hope so.

something about us by bigstupidjellyfish

nothing like being in highschool and having no idea how to deal with emotions

fireproof by inkbender

Four years after a classmate nobody seems to remember is kidnapped by the League of Villains, Kirishima drags an amnesiac hobo he found washed up on the beach into his apartment, attempts to teach him how to adult (with varying degrees of success), and discovers along the way that the line between heroism and villainy is quite fine indeed. Plot-divergent after episode 45, the Forest Training Camp arc.

blood riot by magicallee (alternatively)

Kirishima from a universe with no quirks is mind-swapped with an alternate universe version of himself where there are superpowers.

And in that universe he’s a super villain.

And Bakugou is the superhero who caught Evil-Kirishima and put him in prison.

blindside by drowclericpelor

“You’re the first guy friend I’ve had that I can just like, be friends with. You’re either the most unthirstiest boy ever...” Camie shrugged and made another wobbly illusion appear between her hands. It looked like a sparkly rainbow with the word ‘friendship’ beneath it, accompanied by what Bakugou assumed was supposed to be a twinkling sound effect, but it had a tinny quality to it and sounded far away. “...or I just ain’t got the kinda straw you like to ssssip.”

Carefully, Bakugou considered the strange turn this conversation had taken.

He had never been asked, point blank, if he was gay before. And he honestly had never thought about how he would respond. Lying about himself didn’t sit right with him. But he’d always wanted to wait until he was the number one hero - when he stood above everyone else - before coming out. Though he’d had times when he’d thought about doing it before then and had almost gone through with it once. But being the number one hero came first. It wouldn’t matter what people would say about it then as long as he’d risen to the top.

Bakugou knew his lack of a response would give Camie all the answers she needed.

flour power by wingsonghalo

“I’m telling you now, Shitty Hair,” the blonde growled, “I am not gonna play house with you. We will cart this stupid flour around for a week like the assignment says. But some of our idiot classmates are naming the thing and setting up ‘playdates’ and dressing it and I am not doing anything that stupid. Got it?”

Kirishima and Bakugou are paired up to take care of a flour sack for a week. It would be so simple, except nothing with Bakugou is ever simple. Also Kirishima might be kinda sorta completely head over heels for him.

sunchaser by chonideno

that feeling when you suddenly want to jump off a cliff for no reason but instead of a cliff it’s your best friend and instead of jumping it’s growing feelings out of nowhere

or how Bakugou has to try really hard not to throw everything to the wind, and Kirishima doesn't help

i also have a tag specifically for fics that reach somewhere between 30k-70k words long if you wanted to check that out as well! i hope you enjoy the fics here and that i was able to help, ily enjoy your trip!!! :D 

         ... claws my way up from hell once more and vomits onto the dash.... hello. its nora. i used to write rory bergstrom, but if u were here before that u might remember me as greta or alma putnam or..... som1 else.... an endless carousel of trash children..... this is finn, who i actually wrote for an early version of this rp abt 5yrs back now...... grits teeth..... so forgive me if im rusty i havent written him in a long time but seein honey boy gave me a lotta finn muse n im keen to get Back On The Horse yeehaww...

DYLAN O’BRIEN / CIS-MALE — don’t look now, but is that finn o’callaghan i see? the 25 year old criminology and forensic studies student is in their graduate year of study year and he is a rochester alum. i hear they can be judicious, adroit, morose and cynical, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet he will make a name for themselves living off-campus. ( nora. 24. gmt. she/her )

shakes my tin can a humble pinterest, ma’am....

finn has a bio pasted at the bottom (n written in like.... 2015.... gross) but it’s long  so if u don’t wanna read it here’s the sparknotes summary..... anyway this was written years ago n a lot of it seems really cliche and lame now but..... we accept the trash we think we deserve

grumpy, ugly sweater wearing, tech-savvy grandpa

very dry sense of humour and embraces nihilism. 

if ron swanson and april ludgate had a baby it would be finn

he was raised in derry, just south of dublin.

from a big family. elder sister called sinead. he also has a younger sister (aoife), a younger brother (colm), and a collie named lassie because his father lovs cliches (finn hates cliches but loves his dog). 

his father was a pub landlord and his mother worked at the market sellin fruit n veg when they met but got a job as a medical receptionist when she had kids cos it meant she cld be there with them in the day and work nights.

his parents met when they were p young and fiesty and rushed into marriage cos they were catholic n just wanted to have sex. his family were literally dirt-poor, but they had a lot of love i guess

hmmmmm his relationship w his father wasn’t the best cos i can’t write character who have healthy relationships w their parents throws up a peace sign. yh, had a pretty emotionally distant, alcoholic violent father n so gets a lot of his bad habits i.e. drinking as a coping mechanism and poor anger management from him BUT anyway

as a kid he was never very motivated in class, he always had a nervous itch to be off somewhere doing something else. struggled under government austerity bcso there just wasn’t the resources to support low income families where the kids had learning difficulties n needed support. fuck the tories am i right 

his mum suggested he try sports to help w his restless energy but he was never any good at football so he took up boxing and tap dance instead. he took to tap dancing like a fish to fuckin water. as adhd n found this as a really good way to use his excess energy in a creative way

had a few run ins with the police in his early teens for spray painting and graffiti, but he straightened himself out n now actually considering becoming a detective inspector??? cops are pigs.

he had a youtube channel where he posted videos of him tapdancing and breakdancing as a kid, basically would be a tiktok boy nowadays, n had like... a small fanbase in his early teens. attended several open auditions unsuccessfully, until he was finally cast in billy eliot when he was fifteen.

during billy eliot he began dating an italian dancer called nina. they became dance partners soon after and toured across the republic with various different shows (inc riverdance lol the classic irish stereotype). their relationship was p toxic tbh, they were both very hot tempered people and just used to argue and fight all the time.

he went semi-pro at tap dancing, and nina couldn’t stand being second best so she moved back to italy with her family. ignored his texts, phone calls, etc, eventually he was driven to the point where he used his savings to buy a plane ticket, showed up at her house and she was like wtf?? freaked out and filed a restraining order accusing him of stalking.

he was fined for harassment and then returned home to derry, but after the incident with nina he quit dancing for good and finished his leaving cert before heading to university in the US to get as far away from nina and his past life as poss. and basically since he quit dancing to study forensics (death kink. finn cant get enough of that morgue. just walks around sayin beat u) he’s become a massive grump and jsut doesn’t see the good in people any more.

u’ll find finn in an old man bar drinking whiskey bc he is in fact an old man at heart or sat on his roof smoking a joint, drawing wolves and lions and skeletons and shit, playing call of duty or getting blazed or at the corner of the room in a house party ignoring everyone and scrolling through twitter. is a massive e-boy. always up-to-date on memes and internet slang. has reddit as an app on his phone

not very good at communication. rather than solve his issues by talking, he’d prefer to just solve them through fighting or running away from his problems hence why he has come halfway across the world to get away from an issue which probs cld have been solved w a few apology emails.

takes a lot to phase him, but when his beserk button gets pressed he can become a bit pugnacious like an angry lil rottweiler. in his undergrad he was in a few fist fights but doesn’t really do tht any more as he doesn’t condone violence.

 in the previous version of this rp he was hospitalised like 5 times. pls, give my son a break. stop tryin to kill him. he literaly got a bottle smashed over his head and bled out all over his favourite angora rug that was the only light of his life

works at the campus coffee shop n always whines about how he’s a slave to capitalism. always smells of coffee

lives off campus with an elderly woman named Marianne, and basically gets reduced rent bcos he makes her dinner / keeps her company. they have a great bond

fan of karl marx. v big on socialism

insomniac with chronic nosebleeds

cynical about everything. too much of a fight club character 4 his own good n has his head up tyler durden’s sphincter

always confused or annoyed

statistics

basic information

full name: finnegan seamus o'callaghan nickname(s): finn age: 25 astrological sign: aries hometown: derry, ireland occupation: phd student / former street entertainer fatal flaw: cynicism positives: self-reliant, street smart, relaxed, intelligent, spontaneous, brave, independent, reliable, trustworthy, loyal. negatives: hostile, impulsive, stubborn, brooding, pugnacious, untrusting, cynical, enigmatic, reserved.

physical

colouring: medium hair colour: dark brown, almost black eye colour: brown height: 5’9” weight: 69kg build: tall, athletic voice: subtle irish accent, low, smooth. dominant hand: left scar(s): one on the left side of his ribs from a knife wound that he doesn’t remember getting cos he was drunk distinguishing marks: freckles, tattoo of a wolf howling at a moon allergies: pollen and the full spectrum of human emotion alcohol tolerance: high drunken behaviour: he becomes friendlier, far more conversational than when sober, flirtier, and generally more self-confident.

psychological

dreams/goals: self-fulfilment, travel the globe, experience life in its most alive and technicoloured version, make documentary films, help the vulnerable in society, grow as a human being.

skills: jack-of-all-trades, very fast runner, good at thieving things, talented tap dancer, good in crisis situations, dab-hand at mechanics, musically-intelligent, can throw a mean right hook and very capable of defending himself, can roll a cigarette, memorises quotes and passages of literature with ease, can light a match with his teeth.

likes: the smell of the earth after rain, poetry, cigarettes, shakespeare, whiskey, tattoos, travelling, ac/dc, deep conversations, leather jackets, open spaces, the smell of petrol, early noughties ‘emo phase’ anthems.

dislikes:  the government, parties, rules, donald trump, children, apple products, weddings, people in general, small talk, dependency, loneliness, pop music, public transport, justin timberlake, uncertainty.fears: fear itself, drowning alignment: true neutral mbti: istp – “while their mechanical tendencies can make them appear simple at a glance, istps are actually quite enigmatic. friendly but very private, calm but suddenly spontaneous, extremely curious but unable to stay focused on formal studies, istp personalities can be a challenge to predict, even by their friends and loved ones. istps can seem very loyal and steady for a while, but they tend to build up a store of impulsive energy that explodes without warning, taking their interests in bold new directions.” (via 16personalities.com)

full bio (lame as fuck written years ago..... pleathe...)

tw homophobia

born in quigley’s pub on the backstreets of sunny dublin, young finnegan o'callaghan was thrown kicking and screaming into the rowdy suburbs of irish drinking culture. the son of a landlord and a fishwife, he never had much in the way of earnings, but there was never a dull moment in his lively estate, where asbo’s thrived, but community spirit conquered. at school, finn was pegged as lazy and unmotivated, though truly his dyslexia made it hard for the boy to learn in the same environment of his peers and only made him more closed-off in class. struggling with anger management, finn moved from school to school, unable to fit the cookie-cutter mould that school enforced on him, though whilst academic studies were of little interest to the boy, he soon found his true passions lay in recreational activities. immersed into the joys of sport from as young as four, finn was an ardent munster fan and anticipated nothing more than the day he could finally fit into his brother’s old pair of rugby boots.

his calling finally came unexpectedly, not in the form of rugger, but through dance. to learn to express himself in a non-academic way, he began tap dancing, finding therapy in the beat of his soles against the cracked kitchen tiles (much to his mother’s disgrace). it wasn’t a conscious choice, finn just realised one day that dance was something that made him feel. a king of the streets, finn made his fortune on those cobbled pavements – dancing and drawing to earn his keep. by default, finn became a street artist, each penny he earned from his chalk drawings saved in a jam jar towards buying his first pair of tap shoes. though many of his less-than-amiable neighbours called him a nancy and a gaybo, finn refused to quit at his somewhat ‘unconventional’ hobby, for the young scrapper found energy, life, and released anger through the rhythm of tap. soon he branched out into street dance, hip hop, break dancing, lyrical, his days spent smacking his scuffed feet against the broken patio into the night.

when he was thirteen he took up boxing, and as expected, his newfound ‘macho’ pastime conflicted with his dancing. the boxers called him ‘soft’; the dancers called him ‘inelegant’. he felt like two different people; having to choose between interests was like being handed a knife and asked to which half of himself he wished to cut away. he couldn’t afford professional training in dance, with most schools based in england and limited scholarships available. instead, he made the street his studio, racking up a small fanbase on youtube. when he was fifteen he made his debut in billy eliot at the olympia theatre in dublin. enter nina de souza, talented, beautiful and italian; ballet dancer, operatic singer, genius whiz kid, and spoiled brat. she was selfish, conceited, hell bent on getting her own way, and every director’s nightmare. finn fell for her like a house of cards. he’d always had a soft spot for girls who meant trouble. and so their hellish courtship began.

by the time they were seventeen, the two young swans had danced in every playhouse across the republic. they were known in theatres across the country for their tempestuous personalities, their raging arguments with one another, their tendency to drop out of shows altogether without any notice, yet the money kept rolling in and the audiences continued to grow. for three years, their families continued to put up with their hysterical fights followed by passionate reconciliations. he was too possessive, and she was too wild. their carcrash of a relationship finally came to a catastrophic halt when nina broke off the whole affair and returned to italy with her family. for months finn tried to contact her, yet his phone calls, texts, facebook messages were always ignored, until finally he was driven to drastic measures and used his savings to get a plane to her home town. when finn turned up uninvited at nina’s house she freaked out – and rightly so – she contacted her agent, accused him of stalking her, and had a restraining order placed against him. finn was arrested, held in a station overnight, and charged with harassment before he was allowed to return to dublin.

after the incident with nina, finn lost the fight in his eyes. he became far more hostile, far less likely to retaliate with his own fists, and picked fights not for the thrill of feeling his own fists pummel another into a wall, but for the sensation of his own brittle bones cracking. he dropped his tap shoes in a dumpster, stopped talking to his friends, followed his father’s advice and went back to school to complete his leaving certificate. a few short months later, and finn was packing his bags, saying his bittersweet goodbyes, and travelling half-way across the globe to be as far away as possible from his past self, his mess of a life, and most of all nina. it seemed somehow ironic that the boy who had been cautioned by the garda so much during his youth for spray painting, busking without a liscence, and raucous parties would become the grumpy, aloof overseas student studying a degree in criminology; that his once reckless spirit could be crushed so easily. 

of all things that finn could be called, straightforward would never be one of them. ever since his first days in atticus, the boy was pegged as hostile, hot-headed, cynical, rude. he seemed to spend more time in his thoughts than engaging in conversation. like a ticking time-bomb, finn’s anger was of the calm kind, liable to explode without a moment’s noticed. his unpredictable personality make him something of an enigma to those who aren’t amiable with the lad, though hostile as he may appear, he harvests a good heart. loyalty lies at the centre of his affections, and whilst his friends are few in number, he makes a lifelong partner. somewhere within finn, there’s still some fight left, but mostly he has recognised that his hedonistic lifestyle did little to leave him fulfilled – mostly, it just emptied him out – and over his three years at university has resigned himself to a nihilistic predicament.

        if u wanna plot with me pls pls pls im me or like this post!! i am always game for plots i love em so excited to write with you all here r some ideas

study buddies. finn is now a phd student so has to start takin shit seriously. he gon be in the library every day doing that independent study. if he had ppl who were also regular library goers n they get each other coffees to save time.... tht wld be sweet

ppl who love techno dj sets and going super hard on the weekends!!! fuck yea

friends with benefits. exes on bad terms. ppl he tried to date but couldnt because he’s always emotionally hung up on someone else. spicy hook up plots

ppl he met touring?? maybe ppl who were also in the entertainment industry..... anyone got a character who is ex circus hit me up

does anyone else study criminology / forensics / criminal psych / law? phd students sometimes lecture so he cld be an assistant lecturer / tutor if ur character is in a younger year

gamers !!! social recluses !!! hermits !!

finn goes to the skatepark and all the young boys there think he’s a gradnpa which he is! 

Let’s Catch Up: Your Questions, Answered.

Hey lovelies,  I’m sorry for being away for so long, however, you may have noticed over the past couple of weeks -- I’ve been posting a little bit more frequently. In the meantime, I've also been getting a lot of IM’s lately asking if I’ve left, where am I; as well as asking how I’m doing or what’s going on. 

If you want to know what’s been going on with me lately, click on the “Keep Reading” link below, for all info regarding me and my return to the blog.

Question: Are you leaving? / Have you left?

Answer: No. I’m not leaving, nor have I left / abandoned my blog. Between a nasty case of writer's block earlier this year, and working a job I grew to hate which caused me to start looking for a new job for the better part of a year -- I’ve seldom had the opportunity to check in here. I was still watching, but to be honest... I’m looking forward to coming back here and being more involved, now that things have properly calmed down.

Question: Where have you been?

Answer: Working, looking for another job, landing another job; as well as traveling and privately working on getting my own inspiration back. The better part of this year, was spent on so many other important tasks that I felt my own inspiration slipping. So I would poke at my writing, whenever I could, and worried about getting other things off my plate first.

Question: When can we expect Assistant updates?

Answer: I’m hoping to get a good chunk of the next few chapters, written this month and some next month. Unfortunately, around February the High Season starts with my new job. From February - May, we’re going to be very busy. Then from July - October, it’ll be another High Season for me again. My Low-Seasons are the best time I’ll be able to work on my writing. 

So here’s a tentative preview of my new schedule: 

2018:

Rest of December: Writing + New releases start happening. 2019:

January: Low-Season at work, therefore more writing + new releases.

February - May: The first High-Season of the year. I’ll be more committed to work than ever, however, I hope to write whenever I get a chance and on some of my off-days. New releases will be very limited, until I get a better understanding of what I’ll be looking at as far as work load goes. I could also be flying around to different states, to repersent the company I work for. If this is the case, my number one committment will be to work during those times. 

June: Technically, this is our “first” Low-Season of the year, but it is a toss-up though, especially since it’s only a month long break before things are expected to pick up again. we could be busy or we could have slow days. I’ll be writing during this time and again, new materials could be limited. We’ll see. My bosses can’t tell me what to expect, because they said it varies.

July - October: High-Season #2. The great news is, things actually start to slowing down in into October. I expect that while I’ll be busy, I can start making the transition into writing more and beginning to post more materials on a more frequent basis. I usually take a yearly trip to go home and see my friends and family around July, so please keep this in mind as well. Possibility to fly to more areas for work, is also high during this time.

November - January: Low-Season. This is going to be the best time for me to write, and put out materials. While I will continue to work and get as much out as I can throughout the rest of the year (and I suspect I’ll be able to, once I know for certain about what I’m dealing with), this will still be the time when you can expect the most postings and materials. 

Question: What’s been going on with you?

Answer: Holy shit, a lot lol. Between the company I previously worked for, last year and earlier this year, flushing itself down the proverbial toilet and starting a brand new job -- there’s been a lot going on. I spent the better half of 2018 searching for a new job, so I can basically get the hell out of the company I was previously employed with. It was mentally and physically exhausting, but this new company is so much better and they have a healthier work environment. My last job? We found out the hard way that the company director hated women, as he would fire them right before they were due to go on maternity leave -- just so he wouldn’t have to pay them for their maternity leave. Smh.

Side note: One of the girls he did this to, had enough and reported him to the labor board in their country, and she won her case (which is rare in their country as they usually protect business owners harder than we do in the US). He got so angry about being ordered to pay her the maternity leave that he called, texted and harassed this poor woman (and filed a slanderous lawsuit against her) -- until she was so scared that she settled out of court for much less than she deserved. After that, myself and 3 other people on our staff decided that was enough and we all quit and found new jobs. Guys, it was fucking bad. Hopefully, you see why I spent more time trying to get out, find a new job, etc.

Question: What new projects are you working on?

Answer: At the moment, I’m working on Bring Me To Heaven Part 2; a new one-shot called Scarlet Secrets (Roman Godfrey centric), and new chapters for The Assistant & A Night In... Other than that, I’m not taking on making any new stories just yet. 

___

Okay, so this is the jest of the questions I’ve been getting from various people via the IM feature on here -- and now I’ve published this so you can all have these answers too.

If you have any questions, my ask box and IM box are both on -- feel free to send them in.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Until next time, lovelies xoxo

             whats  up  distinguished  guests  it’s  me  nicki  w  my  new  demon  child  VALENCIA  who  is  basically  the  human  embodiment  of  a  black  hole.  i  literally  first  wrote  her  for  a  skeleton  rp  where  she  was  based  off  of  the  color  bLACK  SO  THAT  SHOULD  TELL  Y’ALL  SOMETHIN  KSDFJDF. i  have  a  pinterest  board  for  the  original  version  of  her  muse  here  if  y’all  want  some  visuals  !

*  tw  for  abuse,  violence, TOXIC BEHAVIOR IN GENERAL

(  lauren  jauregui  •  21  •  cisfemale  )  looks  like valencia  santillo just  moved  into apartment  3C!  i  heard  that she is  here  in  los  angeles  because she  wanted  to  escape  an  oppressive  environment  and  become  a  writer but  has  been  struggling  –  thankfully  moreau  has  taken  them  in!  rumour  has  it,  they  can  be  quite bellicose and mercurial but  at  least  they're vibrant and straightforward,  hey?  i  can  already  tell  they’re  going  to  be  the spitfire of  the  building.

this  is  gonna  b  quick  bc  i  know  y’all  are  tired  of  me  JSKDF

basically  val  is  like  5′4  of  bloody  knuckles,  mommy  issues,  and  bde.  SHE born  and  raised  in  boston  massachussetts  which  is  where  our  story  begins  !

her  mom  was  a  doctor  at  the  peak  of  her  career  who  had  no  intention  of  having  a  child  but  ALAS  she  was  stuck  with  val  anyways  after  not  realizing  she  was  pregnant  w  her  on  and  off  again  fiance  until   ‘oh  boy  are  those  contractions  ?’

suffice  to  say  val  had  an  absentee  p.o.s.  wall  street  workin  dad  and  a  mom  who  resented  her  for  taking  up  so  much  of  her  attention  rather  than  letting  her  focus  on  her  career.  she  was  emotionally  abusive  towards  val  from  a  young  age  despite  val  practically  raising  herself  ???  anywho  her  mom  eventually  began  to  get  physically  aggressive  with  her  once  val  got  older  and  started  snapping  back  to  defend  herself  and  there  were  several  instances  where  cops  were  called  and  excuses  had  to  be  made  up  :/

val  never  really  cared  for  school  since  she  only  liked  the  weird  morbid  stuff  like  war  and  plague  and  death  so  she  started  playing  ice  hockey  in  like  the  6th  grade  and  her  mom  finally  started  paying  attention  to  her !!  like ‘wow  ok  ur  finally  worth  something  to  me’  which  gave  val  such messed up self-value  issues  ?  but  the  sport  became  val’s  life  and  her  whole  existence  revolved  around  it,  it  was  val’s  sole  source  of  happiness  for  so  long  tbh  :((

val  stuck  with  it  through  high  school  &  ended  up  getting  REALLY  good  and  got  a  scholarship  to  boston  university,  where  she  studied  english  ( emphasis  in  folklore )  and  sociology.  she  took  her  team  to  their  championships  her  senior  year  &  won  but  at  a  huge  price  bc  val  got  slammed  into  the  barrier  shooting  a  buzzer-beating  shot  and  like  demolished  3  fucking  vertebrae

and  since  now  val  can’t  play  due  to  her  injury  shes  a  v  bitter,  v  angry,  v  sad  lil  bean  who  was  forced  to  move  back  in  w  her  mom  and  that’s  when  shit  got  BAD.  it  was  even  worse  than  when  she  was  a  kid  and  her  only  real  escape  was  putting  on  her  headphones  and  tucking  away  into  a  book

ended  up  running  away  to  moreau  like  a  year  ago  after  she  graduated  &  recovered  enough  to  be  back  to  normal.  she  got  into  a  beef  with  her  mom  that  was  so  bad  she  broke  val’s  nose  and  that  was  just  it  for  valencia.  val  packed  her  shit  into  a  duffel  bag,  hopped  on  her  motorcycle,  and  never  looked  back.  road  tripped  for  like  a  month  through  the  US  draining  tf  out  of  her  savings  account  to  make  it  to  LA.  she  wants  to  be  a  writer  but  knows  it’s  not  a  career  she  can  make  a  living  off  of  so  she  hops  from  small  job  to  small  job  while  she  compiles  a  poetry  portfolio  to  try  and  get  published

PERSONALITY WISEEEEE

val’s  like,  super  aggressive  and  imposing  and  kinda  has  no  filter  ??  she’s  a  v  love  or  hate  type  person  and  it’s  not  unusual  for  ppl  to  want  to  avoid  her  bc  she’s  scary  JFKSJD.  also  can  be.....  really  unreliable  sometimes  she’s  habitually  late  and  will  legit  not  show  up  to  her  own  party  bc  she  forgot  she  had  a  dick/pussy  appointment  that  night  lmfao  she  can  be  the  WORST  but  she’s  a  loyal  ass  bitch  to  her  inner  circles

she’s  a  hedonist  bc  it  feels  good  and  bc  she’s  got  the  leftover  trust  fund  money  for  expensive  drugs  and  thats  really  it.  no  rhyme  or  reason.  she  likes  to  party  so  she  gon  seek  out  a  good  time  and  she’s  !!!  got  a  rlly  high  tolerance  for  shit  so  she’ll  b  out  here  livin  her  best  life  like  every  night  DHFS  ! 

her  biggest  issue  is   her  unchecked  aggression  and  attachment  issues .....  she  either  doesn’t  give  a  single  fuck  or  she’s  violently  possessive,  there’s  very  little  in  between.  she  gets  jealous  easily  and  stirs  drama  to  get  her  way.  also  will  nOT  hesitate  to  punch  a  bitch  and  has  a  lifetime  membership  to  her  local  mma  gym  bc  :)))  aggression  issues  im  tellin  u  dfadfa

teeters  between  absolute  apathy  and  like  a  calm  bubbling  rage  bc  she’s  in  emotional  anguish  and  feels  uncomfortable  w  kindness  bc  of  her  mom  and  has  no  concept  of  how  to  deal  w  her  emotions  but  !!  shes  never  learned  how  to  bc  shes  always  been  on  survival  mode  her whole  life  and  that’s  val  !!!

uhhhh  she’s  a  mf  gryffindor,  works  at  the  local  bookstore,  her  leather  jacket  and  motorcycle  are  her  most  prized  possessions.  also  pansexual  and  polyamorous  depending  on  the  situation  bc  sometimes  she’s  like ‘yeah  i  can  share’  and  other  time’s  she’s  like ‘look  at  anyone  else  but  me  n  i  will  cut  u’

I  HAVE  A  BUNCH  OF  PLOTS  I  WANT  FOR  HER  SO  HMU  PLS  ON  DISCORD  OR  ON  HERE  N  I’LL  HARASS  U  W  MY  LOVEEEE

Touch You

Pairings: Vane / Reader

Warnings: Violence, threats of Violence, Swearing... PG13 Smut. 

Request:  Maybe a Charles Vane x Pirate!Reader where they are together and the reader gets captured and beaten and Vane saves her and it's just fluffy and just filled with pissed and protective Vane? Thanks a bunch, Wolfling 🐺❄️

AN: @native-snowflake I changed up this request a little but i think the main idea is pretty much the same. I hope you enjoy. 

Please add yourself to my Taglist if you’d like to here..... TAGLIST 

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You hated the nights when you were forced to actually work behind the bar of the Avery. Drunken Pirates were not your favourite thing to deal with. Serving them was even less fun, yet here you were sliding and pushing through sweaty bodies as you deposited tankard after tankard of ale down on the tables.

Most of the men were used to you and simply smiled at you making jokes and as more rum was consumed giving you a friendly smack to the rear. All of which you could have dealt with, what was making you uneasy was the table in the back corner where a group of men sat quietly. Quiet in this environment was not a good sign, men who were quiet were planning something and with pirates planning never ended well for someone. You did not want that person to be you.

Grabbing a new tray and piling it with rum bottles and a few empty tankards, you unwillingly made your way over with their orders. Trying to be as unobtrusive as possible you placed the rum on the table and the tankards next to them. You thought you’d been successful until the darkest skinned one grabbed your wrist holding you in place so you couldn’t pass.

“You’re a quiet lass” he turned dark eyes on you “by chance one with good hearing?”

It took you a moment to realise that he thought you’d been trying to spy on him. You had been so busy trying to avoid them you hadn’t thought about what your silence would portray.

“I’m a bar maid, not a spy” you answered carefully, not tugging your wrist but remaining very still. A cornered piece of prey not willing to anger the predator that had its jaws around your neck.

“And a woman can never be two things at once?” he sneered fingers tightening as he pulled you a step forwards.

You were used to slapping away drunk hands and overly friendly advances. This was different though. This man wasn’t drunk but did actually want to hurt you.

“I’m sure they can. I however am not. I serve rum and make enough coin to buy a bed at night. That’s it”

He smiled revealing two gold teeth “A bed hey lass? May be that we can finish this conversation there be a trifle more pleasurable for us all hey?”

Your stomach flipped, that was not in the slightest thing what you’d wanted to hear and you had no idea how to get out of this. You finally resorted to pulling at his hold on you, which had little to no impact on him whatsoever, in fact only seemed to excite the pirate even more than he already had been.

“Y/N?” the gravelly voice behind you had never been so welcome.

“Vane!” Even though the hand didn’t move from your wrist and another person’s came down onto your shoulder you suddenly felt safer, a whole lot safer. “I didn’t realised you were back”

“Good job I am” he said yanking backwards so the grip on your wrist was finally broken. He pushed you behind him leaning down to your tormentor’s eye level. “Touch the girl again and lose your cock, understand Rielly?”

“And what is it to you Vane?” the man sneered although you could see the tick in his eye. He was putting on a brave face in front of the others at his table. Everyone knew who Charles Vane was and the sudden smile on his face would have made the bravest of men piss themselves. This Rielly wasn’t that brave and was backing away from Vane.

“Let me put it another way.” He took in every man at the table this time in his dead mans stare “the next man who even looks at her will be getting incredibly well acquainted with my sword” he stood back up patting the sword on his hip “and we enjoy meeting new people”

Suddenly no one would meet his eyes and were looking very busy again. Charles turned around steering you back to the bar with a tight grip on your shoulders.

“You can let go of me Vane” you hissed wriggling, however his grip remained as he shoved you up the stairs and pushed you roughly into your office.

You stumbled into the room rubbing at your wrist as you turned to glare at the man in the doorway.

“Really Vane” you snapped turning to anger to cover your uncomfortableness. “You don’t have to be so rough”

The pirate just stared at you “rough?” he questionnned slamming the door behind him. “You think I’m being fucking rough with you?”

“I don’t see anyone else pushing me around”

Vane nodded almost like he was agreeing with you before storming forward backing you into the desk and slamming his hands down on either side of you.

“Maybe we should go back out there and remind you of that bastard Reilly”

“I would have handled it” you insisted even though you’d got no idea how you could have delat with it “I’d have thought of something. I always do”

Charles was muttering to himself in disbelief as he shook his head at you. “Reilly’s dangerous Y/N”

“He didn’t act it towards you”

“Well they don’t do they? I have a reputation. Well earnt”

That you knew was true what you weren’t so clear on still was why exactly he was helping you. That he was fond of you you didn’t doubt, after all you provided rum and discounted rum at that. You hadn’t realised he’d go as far as actively protecting you from others though. It made you curious what he wanted. After all, nothing in this place was given freely.  

“So what you’re just going to stand there and lecture me now? You think I don’t realise how dangerous they all are down there” you were staring straight back at him “how dangerous you are?”

“Sometimes I don’t think you do realise” he growled out, not backing away from you. In fact his hands left the desk to clamp onto your hips lifting as he sat you in the desk pushing his way between your thighs.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing Vane?” you pushed at his chest but it was about as effective as pushing at a stone statue. He wasn’t moving.

“Teaching you a lesson”

With that his lips slammed down on your own taking your breath away as his hand came up to tangle in your hair yanking your head back to give him a better angle at your mouth.

Sure you’d thought about what it would be like to be with Vane, he was too gorgeous for your bored mind not to have wandered there at some points. You’d never actually thought that it would get any further than imaginings though.

You wriggled closer to him pressing your chest against his own as his arm wrapped around your back holding you still.

“Y/N?” the door to your office burst open once more and Eleanor stood there swearing in horror when she saw Vane.

“Fuck off Eleanor” he growled turning his head only slightly to glare at her but not letting go of you. “She’s busy”

“I can see that” Eleanor was looking at you concerned. “Rielly he was bothering you?”

“It was handled” you didn’t elaborate on how, Eleanor would have heard what Charles did from the other pirates downstairs.

“He’ll be barred for his behaviour” she was still studiously avoiding looking at Vane. “I won’t have my employees being harassed”

“Thank you” she nodded once and then with a poisonous glance at Vane disappeared once more. Leaving you still sat there with Vane between your legs. “I’m not fucking you on this desk Vane, not when she’ll still be stood out there listening”

“Figured as much” he grouched. He didn’t move but also didn’t try anything again hand instead splaying out to rest on your back. “Don’t just want a fuck off you anyhow”

“Excuse me?”

He sighed hand coming up to brush your hair out of your face, the gesture was surprisingly tender for such a rough man. “Coming in here tonight, seeing that fucker with his hands on you. Never been that angry before pet”

“Really?”

“Made me realise something” he continued eyes meeting your own. “Don’t want any other man touching you but me”

Your eyes widened in shock at that, you hadn’t thought Vane had it in him to be possessive of a woman. Sure you knew he’d had a fling with Eleanor the whole town did but you didn’t think he’d ever been serious about it. Not to a point where he wanted exclusivity.

“You going to come back down to the beach with me?”

You knew the question was loaded, knew that he was asking for more than one night. If you took the hand he was offering to you right now then you were accepting everything that came with the idea of being Vane’s woman.

“On one condition”

“And what would that be love?”

“Don’t want any other woman touching you but me” you mirrored his words from earlier.

“Deal” he said softly making him smirk and you suddenly felt like you’d just made a deal with the devil.

It was too late to back out now though because his lips came back to your own kissing you roughly as he pulled you off the desk and practically carried you from the Avery and back to the beach.

Toni and Thor!! Im lov them

This is long because I am verbose:

Full Name: 

Toni doesn’t actually have a last name, but at some point she made one up because she assumed that because everyone else had one, they must be important. So I guess her last name is technically Frewin

As far as Thor is concerned, words like, “beast,” and “eldritch terror” and “ohmygod, what the fuck is that?” get thrown around a lot. He’s usually introduced to people as “Thor, the Mechanical Beast,” if someone Toni’s travelling with is feeling particularly dramatic, or more often than not, “my dog, Thor,” by Toni

Gender and Sexuality: 

Toni’s cis-female and either aggressively ace or too busy trying to survive to worry about things like feelings and relationships.

Thor doesn’t technically have a gender, being that he’s made of metal and magic, but Toni’s always called him by male pronouns and he’s never corrected her. He doesn’t have a sexuality at all, also due to being a one of a kind metal/magical doggo.

Pronouns:

She/her and he/him respectively. Though people also tend to call Thor “it” as well.

Ethnicity/Species:

Toni as a character started out half-elf in the first D&D campaign I used her in, but now she’s a human. She’s from Summerfell, so I guess that’s her ethnicity, if she was out and about in the real world, she’d probably be Hispanic/Irish or Spanish/Italian.

Thor’s…um… breed? Is something akin to a shar-pei, and he looks like a walking Fu Dog statue. I guess technically, he’s a war-forged, but we’re running 5e and that’s not a race anymore.

Birthplace and Birthdate:

If you were to ask Thor where and when she was born, he would tell you that she was born screaming and crying and bloody in the tunnels of Moonhold pleading with the Gods for a miracle or several. Toni would tell you that she doesn’t know where she was born or who her parents were, but that the Miner’s Camps and Tunnels are the only homes she remembers. 

If you asked Toni where when Thor was born (made?) she’d tell you that she thinks he was forged in the mountains by the a mysterious man and brought to life by his magic and that he wasn’t born so much as he opened his eyes and there he was. Thor would agree with this statement. 

Guilty Pleasures:

Toni’s basically a scavenging urchin that steals to survive, so her guilty pleasures are things like sleeping in beds and stealing nice soaps from shopkeepers that yell at her and taking baths. She also has a fondness for sweets and likes to be read to. 

Thor’s guilty pleasure is chewing bald patches in Inn rugs and scaring people that deserve it. 

Phobias:

Toni used to be a miner in Moonhold, because that’s basically the only “job” the poor have around there. One day there was a cave-in, pretty much everyone got out safely, except for Toni, who was pinned beneath the fallen rocks and couldn’t free herself. She screamed for help, but the wardens of the mine simply cordoned off the tunnel and sent the miners elsewhere. Toni kept up yelling for someone to help her until she passed out from blood loss and shock, and the next time she opened her eyes, she was alive, missing pieces, and was being stared at by Thor. Later, she was kidnapped by mages (doctors) that wanted to figure out how her shiny new prosthesis were attached to her and nearly died a second time because people are shitty and some of them like to experiment on people. Because of this, Toni has severe claustrophobia (mostly in cave-like environments). She’s also scared of boats and deep water, because she’s heavy now and sinks like a rock, and is scared absolutely shitless of anyone that calls themselves a doctor. She also has a not insignificant fear of being forcefully separated from Thor. 

Thor, for what it’s worth, is terrified of losing Toni and is scared of what might happen to her if the Bad People take her again. 

What They Would Be Famous For:

Toni actually won the Belt of Fortitude during a bare knuckle brawl against some Joseph Jostar lookin’ motherfucker. She was exceedingly lucky and made a lot of money that day that she doesn’t know what to do with. She does know the criminal underbelly of Raven’s Warf is in awe of her skill and power.  

Thor, by virtue of being Different, is famous simply for existing. Doubly so because Toni’s the Grand Champion of the Raven’s Warf Fight Club.

What They Would Get Arrested For:

Stealing, probably. Or illegally participating in underground fighting rings. Or trespassing.

No one could arrest Thor. He’d rip them apart. Also I don’t think they make handcuffs for dogs.

OC You Ship Them With:

There’s no one for either of them, really. One of my friend’s character’s, Raenon used to flirt with Toni a lot, but nothing came of that. 

Thor is uninterested in ships, unless they’re the little paddle boats that look like ducks, because those look just like big ducks.  

OC Most Likely To Murder Them:

I personally don’t have an OC that wants to kill either of them, but there are plenty of people that want to see how each of them works. Dead or alive doesn’t matter. 

Favorite Movie/Book Genre:

Toni actually can’t read anything but thieve’s cant and the occasional stray word, but she likes listening to fairy tales and ballads. 

I feel like Thor’s favorite book is probably either some really trashy romance novel, or Pride & Prejudice, no in-between.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche:

If Toni was ever inclined to watch a movie, she’d probably hate forced romances that are convenient to the plot, if only because she wouldn’t get why the idiot protagonists are making out when there’s a countdown timer to the end of the world. Also, she’d probably yell, “LET DISABLED CHARACTERS BE DISABLED!” at the television at least once. Probably more than that. She’s thankful that she has her prosthesis, but while they help dramatically with her every day life, there’s a lot of compensation and general fuckery related to them. She’d also really hate disaster movies, too, for obvious reasons. 

Thor would not be into the humans vs. robots trope, and he would also high-key hate any movie where a robot begins questioning its humanity. Thor is alive, as far as he can tell, he can feel the sun on him and thinks for himself and  loves Toni more than anything. He doesn’t need to debate the philosophy of the human soul and life, he’s already experiencing it. And that is enough for him.

Talents and/or Powers:

Toni’s got the power of highly volatile and not wholly understood magic. Also she’s got one metal arm/shoulder, one metal leg (from mid-thigh down) and thre metal fingers on her otherwise flesh hand. She has a very high threshold for pain, and also is squirrely as all fuck. 

Thor has magical energy constantly clouded around his head and tail, functions as both a space heater and a bag of holding, can speak auditory binary (which is how he communicates with Toni), and can reduce a stone keep to rubble in a day and a half if given a reason to.

Why Someone Might Love Them:

Toni tries her hardest not to give people reason to dislike her, because she doesn’t think she has a lot going for her. She’s no nonsense, but kind to people and likes to take care of people she doesn’t think can take care of themselves. She’s also very comfortable with herself and Thor and has a sort of angry confidence about her. 

Thor, need I remind you, is a giant doggo, and also a good boy.

Why Someone Might Hate Them:

Oh man, there’s a lot, the least of which is just that Toni doesn’t trust people very easily and sometimes comes off as being really rude or blunt, when she’s just stating facts as succinctly as possible. She doesn’t mean to be mean, but sometimes when you’re being chased by mages, you don’t have time to spare people’s feelings. She also tends to bottle things up until she has a minor freakout that’s usually set off for a good reason. She also collects stuff like a magpie (she used to be an artificer and this was how she got components) and aggressively hoards her things. 

Thor has a lot of teeth, and when he growls, it sounds like thunder. 

How They Change:

Well, aside from the species swap, Toni’s a little more accepting now, though she’s not even remotely trusting. She’s not quite over her claustrophobia, but she can function well enough in a cave if there’s a need for her to. She’s gotten better at listening and can read at least a few of the smaller words.

Thor’s pretty fluid as far as changes go, he doesn’t age or grow like everyone else does, but he’s learned the nuances of sass and has finally figured out how to work doors in a way that doesn’t involve them being torn off their hinges. 

Why You Love Them:

Oh dude, Toni and Thor are my first D&D characters, and even though pretty much every campaign I’ve played in with them has been cancelled, I just really like playing as this scrappy little street rat just doing her best to get by. It’s just so nice. It’s also really nice playing a team of people that love and look out for each other and sort of have this forged by fire relationship. 

I'll add a picture of them latee, perhaps, I'm on mobile right now and don't have access to any references I might have of them.

Some McHanzo fic recs cause yknow... i like ‘em. There’s a lot and they’re in no particular order.

Your Cheatin’ Heart by SleepySkies

Summary: “A stowaway, a wager, a deck of cards. Sex on a riverboat.”

Historical AU, completed, Explicit

Words: 6,829

A faithful companion by kaijuborn

Summary: “Hanzo is a wanderer, always on the move after leaving his home and his duties. However, when winter comes and he finds himself in an abandoned town, he decides to stay for a while. A large, three-legged wolf accompanies him, though the animal appears to be more than what first meets the eye.”

McWerewolf AU, completed, Teen and Up

Words: 10,195

Continued under Read More

Three times is a pattern by kaijuborn

Summary: “Three times Hanzo meets Jesse during their lives; three times there is a puppy involved; three times Hanzo wants nothing more than to see Jesse again.”

Completed, Dogs~, Teen and Up

Words: 6,935

Keep You On My Side by maskedhero, radiantsaber

Summary: “Hanzo Shimada has loved Jesse McCree for years. And for years, he remained silent.”

Completed, ‘two best friends raise a kid’ AU, General Audience

Words: 11,438

Magic McCree by Cawaiiey

Summary: “Hanzo Shimada does not want to be here, he does not like strip clubs and never has. And Genji is wrong, he does not need to 'get laid', no matter how long this dry spell has lasted. He knows he'll regret being here tonight, and he needs a drink. And the tall glass of water clad in plaid that just bumped into him could be what cures his thirst.”

Completed, Stripper!McCree or club AU, Explicit

Words: 15,125

Catch & Release by CaptainCorgi

Summary: “Jesse came to a full stop. This wasn't a whale or some unfortunate dolphin. The top half of the creature exposed itself as a man.“Shit.”Jesse felt his hand go to the revolver at his side, brushing the handle and approached the seemingly unconscious creature. Mers were not something he had experience with. They were a menace to sailors. Jesse had never seen one - much less one washed up on a lonely stretch of beach looking like it had been run through a shredder.”

Completed, Mermaid AU (Hanzo), Teen and Up

Words: 15,470

For all the Marbles by Kalikuks

Summary: “McCree spoils the Noodle Dragons.”

Completed, Noodle Dragons AU with Established Relationship, General Audiences

Words: 1,052

Drop Dead Gorgeous by kembrelu

Summary: “Hanzo buys and moves into a ranch in the south-western US. Why wasn't he forewarned of the angry cowboy that haunts it?”

In Progress, Ghost AU (McCree), Ghost sex (love me some ghost sex tbh), Explicit

Words: 21,463 (so far)

Who Taught You How to Hate by Valpur

Summary: “He’d always known it was going to happen. There weren’t many ways to go for a rogue like him, but all in all he would have much preferred a clean hole in his skull rather than being hanged for robbery and murder. Especially because this one single, fucking time he was not guilty.    McCree is having the worst time of his life and an outlander happens to save his sorry ass. Things go awfully weird after that - and he enjoys it all too much.”

Complete, Western AU, Mature

Words: 46593

Look Up and Wonder by MarieJacquelyn

Summary: “Jesse McCree gets a job offer to rescue one H. Shimada at 3:23 AM. He accepts it at 3:54 AM. It does not go according to plan. (An Overwatch/Firefly AU)”

In Progress, so good honestly i want to consume this story if it was cake, im not joking im a sucker for this story, Firefly AU, Explicit

Words: 75,796

Body In Electric Blue by saltsoldier

Summary: ““I am inside of you.” Hanzo blurted, disbelief prevalent in the look of pure, unadulterated shock he wore.“I’ve dreamed about you saying that darlin’, but in my head it was a lot sexier.” McCree shot back, quick as a whip. A glitch in the respawn system causes McCree and Hanzo to switch bodies.”

In Progress, Body Swap AU, Teen and Up

Words: 33,721 (so far)

Bend, Bow, Break by teeterss

Summary: “Jesse McCree can't sleep and somehow meeting Hanzo Shimada makes everything a lot worse.”

In Progress, Hurt/Comfort, Explicit

Words: 23,822 (so far)

Against All Odds by CommonNonsense

Summary: “From the moment McCree meets him, he knows Hanzo is a prideful man. If there's one thing a prideful man can't turn down, it's a good old-fashioned bet. And McCree would know, because he's the exact same way.”

In Progress, Medium Burn, Teen and Up

Words: 23,338 (so far)

four days by starscry

Summary: ““I have an embarrassin’ favor to ask of you,” Jesse says.       Hanzo stares at him expectantly, a single brow arched. “And what is that?” he asks.     “Y’see, my family might currently be under the impression that I’m bringin’ home a date for a few days next week. And, the thing is, I don’t really have one. So, I’m currently S-O-L and would really, really appreciate it if you came home with me for a few days and, uh. Pretended. To be my boyfriend.”         He stares down at his plate and jabs a fry into the enormous puddle of ketchup gathered in the center of it. If only the fry could be his hypothetical four-day boyfriend, he thinks; it would save him an enormous amount of embarrassment. It would be tastier, too.          [ Or - McCree desperately needs a fake date to bring home to his family, and Hanzo never does anything half-assed. ]

Complete, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Mature

Words: 23,887

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors by vandoodle

Summary: “Hanzo Shimada regrets ever joining Overwatch after he is paired with Jesse McCree, known cowboy enthusiast, and dropped off in the middle of American suburbia. Forced to blend in with the environment, endure neighborhood cookouts, and share his new living space with his so-called 'Husband', the two prepare to preform the ultimate sting operation: taking down the Vishkar corporation once and for all. He can't help but think this will all go horribly wrong.    Or, alternatively titled: the undercover fake-marriage fic that every fandom deserves.”

Complete, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Teen and Up

Words: 75,467

Hanzo’s Moving Castle by MarieJacquelyn

Summary: “In the land of Ingary, where such things as spells and dragons really exist, it is quite a misfortune to end up on the wrong side of a magical curse. Everyone knows that wizards and witches are much better at putting curses on people than they are at breaking them. If you do end up cursed, it is quite an undertaking to find another person proficient enough, and willing, to break the spell. Jesse McCree had been cursed and considered himself quite luckless for the experience.”

In Progress, Howl’s Moving Castle AU, Explicit

Words: 10,257 (so far)

hearts of glass, souls of steel by DangerDuchess, TheHiddenPassenger

Summary: “Jesse McCree and Hanzo Shimada are just friends. They're very GOOD friends, of course, but there's really nothing more than that between them... A dispute about hygiene plants the seeds of something for which neither of them is prepared and with sake to water it, the blossom blooms just a BIT too quickly.”

In Progress, shower, they’re in the shower and theyre Just Bros (tm), Friends to Lovers, Explicit

Words: 18,926 (so far)

Lost In Translation by BenevolentErrancy

Summary: “There are things you never need to hear your brother say and among that list is anything pertaining to him blatantly and shamelessly flirting with a good friend. Especially when said brother is flirting exclusive in a language said friend doesn't understand. If Hanzo doesn't get over himself and just straight out ask to kiss McCree in English Genji is going to personally kill them both, he shouldn't be forced to be in the middle of this.”

Complete, Pining, Teen and Up

Words: 36,968

Overwatch Lane by FrostysaurusRekt

Summary: “When Jesse McCree moved to Overwatch Lane to give his kids a better life, he'd never expected to have a neighbor who glared at him from his window as often as possible. Little did he know he'd be tangled up in the life of one Hanzo Shimada more than he ever thought possible. And who would have guessed he'd soon love every minute of it?       Tags and rating will be updated as the story progresses.    Modern-ish AU”

In Progress, Modern AU, Mature

Words: 34,164 (so far)

Popcorn Redemption by wyntera

Summary: “They say life isn't like the movies.   Well, partner, they ain't never worked for Overwatch.”

In Progress, they watch movies and fall in love its great, also really long i never noticed, Not Rated

Words: 179,288

Spring Onion and the Silver Bullet Blitz by Byacolate, mywordsflyup

Summary: “Jesse McCree bares his throat for no man. For a dragon, though...”

Complete, Werewolf McCree and Weredragon Hanzo, this is so good i would also eat this if it was cake, Explicit

Words: 66,990

The Familiar of Hanzo by Jakallx

Summary: “He hadn’t seen the hat in the dim light of the hallways, but now he looked down at it in horror. Not only had he summoned a human, an American human, he had summoned a cowboy as well.High school sucks for Hanzo Shimada. Things get a whole lot worse when he accidentally summons Jesse McCree as his familiar. It's a Witch School AU with animal companion familiars. Basically, Overwatch, Harry Potter, and Familiar of Zero throw a party on Halloween. There's ghosts and teenage romance.”

Complete, Magic AU, General Audiences

Words: 47,597

Set up a go fund me account right now okay. If you feel nervous about having to use other people's money, DON'T BE ALRIGHT! Being able to have shelter is more important than worrying about people trying to help you. Just please please please for the love of god get someone to help you. You don't deserve to be in a toxic environment. Stay at a friend's house if you can, or even just someone you trust will most likely let you stay at their place. Just be safe, and try to find help.

Hi, Anon from earlier. If push comes to shove, live out of your car. It is basically a house on wheels. Make sure to bring non perishables, like soup or trail mix for example. But if that isn't an option, find a random place in the woods and set up camp. Just make sure to bring all of your warmest items with you because DANG IT GETS COLD IN THE WINTER. Also save your money a ton, only use that crap to buy things that are absolutely necessary. 1/22/2 If you need to charge any devices just find a library or some place that lets you charge your crap up. Also try to find any kind of work. This can be anything. Being paid to mow lawns is an easy job if you need help with coming up with things. And if you save your money up over time you can eventually have enough cash to get a place to live in. That is pretty much all I can brainstorm for you right now, but I hope this helps. I bid you good luck and my best of wishes.

thank u so much for the sentiment, but its rlly rlly not that easy. i wish it was but it isn’t.i can’t live with any of my friends, and the only friends that ever offered me a place to stay are very very far away. i dont have a car to live in because im only 18. i can hardly work because im disabled, and canadas unemployment rate is 6.6% as of may 2017, which is significantly higher than america’s (4.7). it is increasingly hard to get any work here. i can work as a maid for the rich folk here but i’ll most likely end up being mistreated, and underpaid.

my social workers are apathetic. kids like me, on the youth agreement program, are put into the ICU every day (only in BC 4000 kids have died or were severely injured within 12 months on this ‘protective’ program) because the government doesn’t care about us. as long as they get their paycheck they don’t care if we die. the fact that i’m homeless, suicidal, and too disabled to work doesn’t matter to them. they legit dont Care.

it sucks that im moving back in with my mom. but the rent will only be $500, i’ll be living in new westminster which is a nice area, and she is helping with my transition. im just really really scared she’ll start abusing me again. which is weird . im a fully grown adult. i was a fully grown adult since i was 16, i had to be, had to grow up Way Too Fast. but life sucks and then you die.

im not moving out until i am 19 and am kicked off the program since i’ll be legally an adult. so i got a few more months. i just have to keep my chin up, drink a fuck ton of booze, and keep truckin on because holy Shit my life is hell.

once i age out of the youth agreement program i’ll be going to the press about this. it wont change much but it’ll at least warn other kids who are going on the youth agreement program that its not good, that they will most likely die or be sent to the hospital, or will end up homeless.

i am full of so much hate but at least its directed toward the people that deserve it. the government said they would take me out of the abusive household only to fuck me up and send me back into said abusive household.

im so angry and i am so tired broh

that got off topic im sorry. i just needed to get that off my chest, my therapist is ghosting me ever since i asked her if i could switch to a new therapist so i haven’t been talking about emotions too much lately. thank u for the nice messages anon

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews… 13 Reasons Why (S01E10) Tape 5 Side B Airdate: March 31, 2017 @netflix Ratings: (Streaming) @13reasonswhy Score: 7.75/10

***********SPOILERS BELOW**********

If everything affects everything, then we are to be held responsible for our actions big and small, no matter what the outcome… No matter if it kills someone, or leaves them with with a red slap mark on their face, or a longing for your touch. I think there are some very interesting points raised here, and I definitely think Carl Franklin was the man for the job. There’s no reason for me to go on about the director selection, as I’ve been focusing on it for quite some time, especially after Alvarez had his little breakdown on twitter. I’m here to watch a television show about extremely sensitive subjects, critique it, enjoy what I can, and see how each player in the game can relay that ‘for every action there’s a reaction’… Not everyone is suited to make these points, but since Araki and Franklin have taken over, I’ve found myself really enjoying '13 Reasons Why’. Oh, and I’m extremely excited to see what Oscar Winner Jessica Yu has store in for us. I think she can work magic with this writing team, who before E7 went largely misunderstood. If a director has a problem with me saying that, then i welcome their discussion. I’ve watched some of these episodes carefully, sometime twice, and I’m well versed in breaking down television from top to bottom. You see many of us have different views on suicide. Some of us are educated in psychology, sociology, behavioral sciences, etc… Some of us have lived these things first hand, and some of us both… Some of us are born with intuition, an empathy radar that was honed and perfected by our peers, our environment, and individual experiences. What I’ve noticed the most is that no matter what opinions we are sharing, or what we don’t agree with, we all have a deep respect for each other’s perspectives… Even if we don’t agree. That’s a beautiful thing, and as much as 2016 felt like we fell back a bit and let ourselves become separated, the conversations Im having with people about these topics feel like in 2017 we are moving forward stronger and more hand in hand than ever before. We have to.

I have a specific story that relates to the topic at hand… But I’m going to continue to hold the big one back… People might get angry for me sharing it, but I don’t fucking care. I write for me, and I write for anyone out there who connects with what I’m saying, who understands my perspective and somehow that makes it easier on them, somehow knowing that they aren’t alone… I write under a nom de plume, but I write real life experiences and tie them into storylines, and my aim is to tell my stories through the worlds obsession and love with media, not to hurt anyone. Cuz guess what? There have been some serious mistakes I’ve made in my life and they have caused others pain, and there have been things other people have done and they have caused me pain. This is the way of the world people. The best thing we can do is open up and talk about it, stop history from repeating itself. Try to understand what makes each other tick.

I think Carl Franklin and the writers did a great job with this one, showing us that you never know what decision you are going to make today out of fear, or not giving a fuck, or whatever it may be, and what effect that decision might have… It all feels less melodramatic, unlike the series low (Tape 3, yes YOU, Alvarez. Hopefully you can redeem it E13, and if you do I will say that you did)… Its starting to pick up an electric current and instead of placing blame everywhere and on everyone, we’re seeing that as a society we just need to be more self conscious. Easier said than done right? For sure.

Jessica is unraveling fast… First it was Justin, now it’s Jessica who realizes the more she isn’t numbing herself, the more the people she has surrounded herself with are people that would rape her while she sleeps and lie to her about it… Because (and I’m not quoting, but I swear this is exactly the quote that Justin’s brain has prepared), 'Its just easier for everyone’. We can crucify Justin all we want (and humans love to point the fn’ finger right? Assign blame, and then we call move on). Truth is, Bryce is the big bad dog and Jessica was the price to stay in his yard. All the Jessica’s I know are survivors, so Bryce better watch himself. See all these glocks? Aren’t they absolutely beautiful?!

Welcome one, Welcome all… Welcome to growing up in the United States Of America. The sun is shining, everyone is just fine, ignore all the heroin & Fentanyl, pain medications, depression, unemployment, campus rapes, racial tensions, bigotry, hate crimes, the disappearing middle class, and (of course) that big hole where that stop sign used to be. Secrets? Why we have no secrets here and if there are the government has a damn good reason, right?!? You get me… Ignore Assange, Ignore Snowden, Ignore Chelsea Manning. Everything is FINE! I’m sorry, I don’t know these words… Benghazi, Russia, Syria. Iraq. Never of heard of such things. Carry on… And change the goddamn tape! You’re up, Clay.

I think its time to update this thing with everything that has been going on. A lot of beautiful things have happened the past 6 months, but when i look back, its a supercut of mental breakdowns and self harm. Surprisingly, i havent seriously thought about killing myself, but I am definitely putting a strain on my mental health, and i dont think i saw the signs until i was 4-5 months deep. until i was at the hospital. until i was crying in my work bathroom every day for 5 days. and even then, i still tried to keep telling myself if i give up, i am mentally weak. i still tell myself that know, as i try to get myself out of this situation. so lets explain the situation. I will try my best to go back to may and bring you up to speed.

I started working at this job... lets call it, the hellpit. I started in February, and they agreed to give me time off in april to go to japan. I was pretty happy about that, but i remember about a month and a half in, i seriously considered quitting, and that seemed early. I was annoyed at the lack of organization with the products we were selling, and the extra stress it put on the front of house employees. The job ITSELF wasnt so bad, it was simple tasks that were sometimes fun. But the customers were the worst. This is a private club, so we see the exact same people every single day, and i work in a half grab&go half diner. And we get treated like we are nothing. most of the time, we dont even get a “hi” or “thank you”, but we are required to smile and be polite, tell the customers to have a nice day. One girl got fired because she didnt smile enough and was kind of a quiet person. oops. But then i got my best friend hired, and i started enjoying my days a bit more. Japan gave me some perspective on life and i was running off that energy for about a month. I was also moving at the end of may so that took most of my focus. I was then asked to work in the poolside snack bar/ actual bar. I was excited, it sounded like a fun, fast-paced environment. I feel dissapointed writing that because I was so wrong. It makes me feel sad.

I would be working closer to the actual manager. Now, there is drama going on with that. there was 2 managers, R and C. R had been there for 13 years, had close relationships with the people in my workplace. she was even sister-in-laws with someone there. And then C comes in, and sees that there is a lot wrong with how the cafe is running. she wasnt totally wrong, but she has a large personality and isnt afraid to shit talk people. she came in and tried to change everything, and I dont know exactly what happened behind the scenes but R left on a 3 month stress leave, came back for 3 weeks and quit. If that doesnt tell you something about what it’s like to work along C, ive got more. 

So this poolside hellbox was usually run by some other managers in the club, but C insisted on running it herself, putting her employees in it, etc. it was going to be the best year the poolside hellbox has ever seen. it was small, but it needed at least 3 people to run properly. Sure, it could be slow on cold days, but on hot days, it was a nightmare if there was only 2 people. Because we had to do everything; open, stock all the food, take orders, make orders, and pass them off, and close. it was truly exhausting and our days were always 9-10 hours, no breaks. She also stopped putting 3 people, brought it down to 2, usually 1. it was incredibly stressful. I tried to talk to her about my concerns, and she completely agreed. so i thought things would change. they did not. after some time, i injured my rotator cuff, and that lasted about a week until my entire back seized up and i had to go to the doctor. i was physically burnt out. and she had to work one of my shifts because i was medically ordered to take a break from work. writing this is making my back hurt.... funny how that works. anyways, i came back and she told me about how HARD of a day she had when she had to be in there for 6 hours. I thought to myself, good, she will finally understand. She never did. put me back in it, working 6 days a week, no tips, no breaks, 9 hours. there was a day where the air quality was so bad that my coworker with asthma expressed how ill the smoke makes him feel and that he cant breath, and she made sure he felt guilty for not telling her before hand. and then when we werent even making money that day, she blamed the people upstairs for not making the call to close it. i cant believe it.

the PSH finally closed for the year, but she wanted one more day to make a bunch of money. So there is another key player here. J. J has the title of supervisor but doesnt always act like it. C expresses how she feels about J often, and shes the only one who has the power to do something about it but does she? No. 

So on this day, C is not at the Bad place, so in any other situation, J would be in charge. But C insisted that I text her and listen to what SHE said. and she said she wanted to open the PSH 2 hours early. J said it was too busy and we needed coverage. I listened to J. The fact that we didnt open 2 hours earlier really upset C. she was so mad at J for making that call, and i was upset that i was put in a position where i had no idea who to listen to. 

So that was the day i decided i couldnt be there next summer. I needed to leave before the PSH opened again. 

And since then, there has been a lot of hostility towards me. I remember C telling me that people might not like me because she likes me, and people dont like her. that should have been my first red flag to get the fuck out. I honestly thought she was a woman of her word, and that sticking with her was the right decision. she made me all these empty promises, like i’ll be getting a raise in September, or that she has big plans for me and my career there, or even that we were getting a company-paid night to reward us for all our hard work. and what has unfolded? nothing. 

since then, it has been a series of bullshit. she comes down, yells at everyone and everything thats wrong, comments on how terrible the communication is, and how this doesnt look right, and how stupid everything is and how no one knows how to do their job, “except for you, this isnt directed towards you.” I have a feeling it may not be IN THAT MOMENT, but im sure it has been directed at me at some point. Shes manipulative, and takes advantage of people for her own personal gain, and completely lacks empathy. If it doesnt affect her, why does she care. If someone cant help her, why does she need them. that is her mentality, and she is a psycho. she wants complete control, but does nothing to change anything. She wants people to do certain things, but never tells them. She is by far, the worst manager i have ever had. not to mention she puts out the schedule thursday night-friday for the upcoming monday. so, yes, 3 days in advance. I feel betrayed, i feel disspointed, i feel burnt out. 

She also made a sarcastic remark about how i could “never disappoint her”, which was the last straw for me. That was the day i decided i need to get out of there. 

So, thats whats been going on at work, but behind the scenes, i have been unraveling. My manager has qualities that remind me of my mother, and not in a positive way. it’s very triggering in a way, and when i feel like i have disappointed her, i have the same feeling i would get when my mother would be disappointed in me. when she is completely unsympathetic to me being burnt out, i remember all the times my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself when i would cry. so i deal with daily triggers that i have a hard time shaking. there are also some things that go on in that club that really disturb my core values. I am a caring, inclusive person and these people treat us like dirt. I think most people are used to it, i even feel like im less sensitive to it as time goes by. 

But i have been having mental breakdowns at least once a week. they were worse back in june or july, i remember completely trashing my room, throwing my books around and slamming my book case on the ground, and the colapsing and hyperventalating on the ground until my roommate found me. I remember scratching myself until i bled. I remember running to a park and crying in a field. I remember crying on the bathroom floor naked. I remember not being able to get out of bed. i remember punching a wall so hard i almost broke my fingers. this all happened withing 3 months. and after the big explosions came depression and giving up. I cry in the work bathroom often, i dont care about being on time, i dont care about my job, i dont care about my health or being in pain. i am in a constant fog, im exhausted and angry and i have a beautiful partner who loves me so much and i cant feel any of it, because i think i shut down everything so i can make it through the day. I’ve gained weight, i hate my body again, and i feel stuck. i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel trapped. i need help. i need help getting out of this. i am so exhausted mentally, i do nothing with my day because im too tired. i am so incredibly miserable, i get those depression headaches every single day. I have a surgery coming up that i am not willing to compromise. maybe ill take some extra days off then? look for a job? rest my mind and prepare to job hunt and grind for a job that i might not hate? maybe i should leave now, go work at starbucks, see if i can get the time. maybe i should find a part time job, but will my manager hate me for it? does she already hate me for it? i just want to survive. i just dont want to get to the point where suicide feels like the only option again. I am not there yet, but its on the horizon, and that’s why i am scared.             

Everything that used to trigger me via /r/selfimprovement

Everything that used to trigger me

gap year clean up operation

by topic 1) family 2) internet 3) habits 4) education 5) music 6) relationships 7) sex 8) ambitions 9a) people being triggered by me 9b) people liking me (both + takeaways) 10) exam failure from 'narcissism' 11) my happiness 12) happiness in relationships 13) self sabotage/not reaching full potential 14) peak culture 15) mania/bipolar 16) attitudes against mainstream/dissatisfaction 17) trolling 18) lack of pride in myself or friends 19) being an alpha male 😈 20) dysfunctional behaviour 21) fake false flags to reinforce a victim mentality

1) family trigger points . My mum plays jazz fm loudly in the kitchen. shes insensitive to my desire to practice the piano in peace in an environment that facilitates my development. My dad hates me. My brother hates me. I had a sexual relationship with a boy who was the son of a family friend at 14 and his mum found out by walking in and told my mum. She loves me yet as Christians she's appaled as is my father who is a priest. I feel too ashamed of my sexuality and having sex which negatively impacts my life. My mother is a lovely personality but is stressed and anxious. My father ditto, I find him ignorant, he can't communicate or manage interpersonal relationships. His disjointed mannerisms derive from social anxiety. In my mothers view, the family is ruined because of my younger brother. He'd always run around the house disinhibited, and come onto my mother, strangers, etc (he's autistic so doesn't understand). Obviously the family is fucked beyond repair. My parents only mission in life is posting shit on Facebook as would be activists for a free Russia or some bs. Most of their friends are online, they have low functioning lifestyles, don't understand love and see the world through a 100% academic worldview. None of my acheivements were ever good enough for them, etc

2) im an addict more or less. my desire to use twitter originated in pay per click advertising. i was broke i got followers etc also i was mad at 'clout' people then i went to some events in canary wharf reinvented the operation as real estate based in the city from a virtual adress it functioned perfectly got retreats from battersea city council, other quite well respected accounts found it fascinating how it was taken seriously went a bit far starting using the medium to solely communicate with a network and reason with them while triggering everyone else with no immunity. the inspiration was my inner child whom by all accounts was quite egotistical then use ig for girls and friends i guess ig would trigger me because the clout is fake linkedin for visualisation tbh i got caught up and it started accumulating power etc used fb for piano tuition fucking triggered by fb, useless imo . 3) habits awful bad diet, water, no gym, sports no piano no part time job no relationships not seeing anyone just addicted to online . 4) triggered by being educated as it was outside my model bathed in ignorance disputed with maths and french and music and piano . 5) i want the coolest most developed chords i dont even care for the expression spontaneity creativity i just want the most edgy/advanced chords i don't even reason out part writing or experience inherent joy from it . 6) dysfunctional anxiety ridden ignorant non sexual not transparent no social events no shared values no mutuals . 7) ashamed as said im gay? perhaps pansexual no clue im not attracted to girls it feels forced im gay i admit it logistically hard parents might cut off if they found out . 8) ridiculously huge delusional not funded by enough money weak networking . 9a) Yasmin girls all classes sixth form exam boards teachers . 9b) yomi sees potential and feels contrived sympsthy for me same with mutazz both dont truly know me but love for them etc ditto w al dhillon knows nothing about me no friends know anything about me, I'm a loner by choice to protect myself . 10) couldn't deal with being in the same room as people i thought were less then me was angry took out on exams lol . 11) no clue how to be happy love? . 12) non existent no clue

13) im gay so thats a start haha self sabotage my public portrayal amongst close friends Sabotage my own education bipolar/mania lol Sabotage my musical expression Sabotage my popularity (for being woke?) lol annoyed at fake insta clout annoyed at how friends like sam saw me as an outsider instead of the other way round lol eh nah take that back different cliques much love . 14) i listen to crap instead of 'high culture' such as Beethoven symphonies idk my piano repetoire

15) legit manic episodes bipolar i consultation indefinitely . 16) im a legend in terms of my perception yet im embarrassed I'm not confident i dont follow through a gap year basically failure to aaa probably Warwick mfl when i could have been Oxbridge (with hard sincere work) eh . but then again It is all about me the self styled maverick Benedict gets the mission a shit uni would be a troll gp shit/aaa/ Russell g/ucl i mean it would look better but interpersonal perception and communication are so manipulated i could probably make an Oxford degree on ms Paint and pass it off or be the bossman of rcm or Warwick mfl/adjustment I guess lol like e corp guy im the most powerful guy in the room but i fucked it bc hussey has superior expertise and i kinda need to be subservient to the exam boards loool whoops . * Im too strong willed pass off as bipolar a*aa hope for the best through adjustment keep interpersonal communication doctrine calm af . 17) i have trolled before it was nasty but im past that perhaps some light sarcasm thats all kindness love . be honest about my mischief it can't be made up so will get away with it . 18) not good have pride in al yomi mutazz everyone so far in my life endless relationships andthe future . 19) loool i don't buy that shit . i believe were the sum of our choices nothing is definitive only the present moment defines us in my opinion so failure in the past generally speaking is irrelevant never judge

20) not working etc doing the work for a*aa bc the perfectly valid reasoning was being rejected by me as it fell outside my model . 21) yeah i make excuses not to be accepted and respected as expected (flourish) because i like being the victim .

Submitted September 18, 2018 at 12:57AM by dopamineway via reddit https://ift.tt/2pdkCYu

i dont know how i feel. i’m very conflicted and sad. i dont want to be but my soul tells me i probably should be.

hes very excited to quit his job and take temporary leave across the country. he joked, ‘youll leave me now that i dont have a job’ and i replied ‘no, youre leaving ME now that you dont have a job’

‘what do you mean? i thought you said you would follow me.’

‘... i will follow you’

‘so then follow me. thats why i wanted to bring the truck. i just want time to myself first so i can create better habits and stop being lazy.’

at this point i realized my theory regarding north york was right and he was not happy about my refusal to follow him. but it wasnt right. and although this is being spoken about 6 months in advance i feel like theres a certain amount of disrespect? like it wasnt a discussion - it was just once again something he’d do and i was welcome to join him. 

and i dont know if thats right for me? like to be totally fair, i dont know whats right for me. i dont even know where i want to be, who i want to be, what i want to o with my time. i’m really figuring all of this out right now. and like i was some years late on this because of all my shit and once i figure it out i think i’ll be fine but it’s ~the seeker again. i’ve been repeating, “i asked timothy leary and he couldnt help me either” after seeing the documentary with him an ram dass. like i have questions that are so deep an profound to life that i may never find answers and maybe thats who the fuck ill be and if thats who i am then how do i find ways to exist in this life. 

like - i hate everyone. i really dislike everyone i know right now but i continue to socialize with them because this is what ive known this is what ive built - this is what i have. i should have done better. i’m trying to make people who will never really amount to much do more than theyre ever destined for and i’m frustrated about it. i’m continually frustrated that i put in this massive amount of effort that NO ONE else puts in and they have THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF TIME. i know i’m sick - i know because if i wasnt, if i never had the parents i had - if i had opportunities given to me i wouldnt be here right now. i am so angry at people who have opportunities and continually shit on them. i’m here doing the most with nothing and getting only a few steps ahead. 

i thought i didnt care where i lived. but that was a serious lesson when i moved to the north of the city. i fucking hate the suburbs and i fucking hate being in the midle of nowhere. it is not fun or quaint biking everywhere or being off the main transit line. i biked home at 3am and bought smokes in the time it would take me to bike to the bus stop to go downtown. and i thought i didnt care about the way i lived but it turns out that my environment weighs heavily on me. i “thrive” in a city atmosphere where things are bustling and i can jump in at any time. i have no qualms about missing opportunities for socializing because i know ill have more very soon. being able to get resources to live super quickly means i have no problem doing multiple tasks in a day. it was like when i took anti anxiety meds and realized what anxiety was. i did not know what i had until it was gone and i was able to learn that i did in fact do better in a room. i was raised in a room. and it sounds sad and maybe it is sad but i WANT to be in a room. i dont even WANT a house. i thought i did. i thought i wanted my own little place an if i could have a stand alone room on a street maybe id take my own place but i hate it. i hate doing dishes and mopping and dusting and everything. ive just now figured out how to keep one single room tidy and organized and it makes me feel very good. 

what am i doing? he called me king of the losers. i am. i am king of the losers - of all the shitty art people trying to make a “career” from being an artist; i’m the top of the line. there are “artists” doing better than me but out of all the losers who arent, i’m the top. and i choose to remain this way because i cannot stand the attention, i canno stand being a leader and i am on the precipice of something that i know i can make huge which i do not think even my “subjects” realize what that means. if i believe something will happen - it almost always does. it means i have the confidence and drive to make it happen. its not even happenstance - i know exactly what to do, what cards to play and i feel like i’m there right now. i could take my next step above king of the losers but why? why? what will i get? acknowledgment for the work i did, people will “like me”, maybe i’ll get some money - maybe it’ll go so far that it’ll be of value to something bigger that wants a piece of it and i’ll be bought out like similar projects before me. but why? what in the hell do i care? how do i define “glory” or “success” and is this it? i’m literally twiddling my thumbs with this. i’m biding my time between this and the next “big thing” - the “serious” one. 

so why cant i follow him? if i finally get the benefits i’ve been waiting for, they’re only applicable in this province. i will have to reapply in a province that contains the amount of people currently living in this city almost four months after finally getting it here. although i have no family now, i will be literally half way across the country from anything i have ever known for the entire 27 years of my life whch is extremely terrifying right now. i dont know if i even want to leave this city right now. i just dont know. what do i do with the cats? take them half way across the country? in a pick up truck? 

what helped my consideration was the proposal .. of well a literal proposal. but not so much out of love - but a contract, an agreement between us that when we were “done”, he would pay for me to return to my home province. like itll be my job to find a place to live at but i want him to pay for my return because i know with or without a job ill be able to find some cash when i get back but getting back with my shit would be super hard and i just want to know that the hardest part for me is taken care of so i always have “freedom” to return to what i know. imagine being stuck halfway across the country because we broke up? losing all my shit? having to beg & borrow to get back to anything familiar? i dont want alimony - in fact i think this is the prenup agreement. i get nothing at all except my moving expenses covered which i think is kind of beneficial to him too - he wont have to see me or keep me around any longer than necessary. i dont know if we can legally sign an agreement that says this otherwise which is why i stupidly think maybe we sould just secretly get married to enforce the fact he cant just get up and walk away without taking care of things with me unless hes really shitty about it. its not about beig forever taken care of either - even if i have the money to move i think its fair after everything to just be able to get back an start my own life again without a major struggle. like if i give up my whole life here to go there, the least i can get is my shit sent back and a plane ticket.

but then - i dont want to take a plane alone. i mean, to get there. if he decides to road trip himself with the truk and has no reason to return he may just want to send me a ticket and i’m absolutely not ready for such things not even in six months - okay for therapeutic purposes ill say MAYBE in six months but honestly im still trying to get on a bus to toronto let alone an airplane to another province. i love him but i honestly think id refuse to get on a plane by myself. especially if i had gone through the stress of giving up the cats or hoosing to move or even leave for a significant period of time. he also has ties there and i dont and i feel like i’ll be _the_ goth girl of the province. like the entire province, i’ll be _the_ goth girl. but maybe i’m assuming and stereotyping - maybe theres a whole scene of people there i also dont want to fucking know. 

but what if this is the thing? what if this is that turning point in my life where i say fuck it and i just do a thing and see where it takes me in this life that WITH OR WITHOU A DECISION ill still be living here for the next many decades and that’s really hard to fathom. like some days i think that “okay tomorrow imjust going to bus back to my building in bramalea and say hi to my dad and chill in my room & smoke some weed”. actually, honestly, alot of days. maybe every other day this real genuine feeling of being able to do this overtakes me an i feel very saddened by it. i will never be able to do that and that is nuts. but maybe part of it is living so close. doing the same things. living the same life. this isnt a life i made, this is a life that became. 

maybe if i could take the cats i’d be more stoked on it but even i think it’s impossible. i dont know. i’m just going to try and plow ahead on my own thing - like i had been doing and reassess myself in the new year. maybe ill find “success” and within it “independence” where ill find what i have too valuable to give up. maybe nothing will change ill be desperate to find something different. 

i didnt feel good though. like, i have some insomnia which usually bothers me but i know i napped late yesterday and ran out of weed and it’s okay. i knew i’d figure something out and if iwas soooooo desperate i couldve hit a dab. but it wasnt about the weed. the lack of weed didnt give me anxiety and i sort of sat back and witnessed myself cycle through my patterns of anxiety until i had made myself upset enough to cry. im not sure i had a real reason to. but all of these things weighed heavily on my mind and i wasnt able to talk about them and maybe now even this is something to think about on my own - if i wouldnt leave the province without him, should i go with him? it’s a truly independent decision and if i want to “follow”, it’s my responsibility to decide these things in order to be able to “follow”. the lack of weed perhaps made my usual level of anxiety harder to handle and although i tried, it was still going. eventually i began to think of christmas and how he’d be gone and if i didnt go with him we’d break up and just everything that could follow did and i wanted to leave. it was the middle of the night an i was upset and i wanted to go home

but i know this gives him anxiety.  i know we’ve argued about going home after dark even. but i decided to follow the “switch” - i’m 27 years old and in no way bound to this person. theyve done numerous things far worse and i was essentially sitting beside them in the dark for hours on end for their benefit. i got dressed but it took me another 45 minutes to decide to leave. i thought id regret it - get half way there and feel stupid. maybe itd be really cold. but once i got on my bike i felt like i could breathe - i took back control. i feel like i panic at a sense of losing control of my own life. like i can lose control of situations but if i cannot atleaast control my own life and how i live, it causes panic attacks. once i felt in control i felt freedom - a freedom i didnt have to pay for. which is a really significant thing to think about. 

i dont hate him. maybe this is not about him because he has all the right in the world to decide these things because we are two individual people moving forward and we have to decide on certain things to allow each other to exist in each others lives. i realized if he was going to the store with our friend he’d probably get up early to go which meant i’d be sitting aroun waiting while he showered and ate breakfast so i could be dropped off at home for a few hours. i decided i might as well skip the morning routine and get in a few hours of sleep. he’s supposed to take me pumpkin picking later which i am excited for but right now honestly im most excited for the small sliver of comfort i created for myself. 

A long story...but worth the read if you're willing to!I met the guy I called my bf 10 days after my last bf left me. He was the most handsome man I had ever seen in my life. I couldn’t believe the guy that walked in to the coffeeshop to sit down across the way from me. I am an engineer, a degree in physics a nerd among nerds among nerds and this guy, a Master’s Degree in sports management, a degree in communications we can call him Mr. Cool. He is Swiss and Indian, so you know just speaks 3 languages fluently, dad works for the UN…I mean come on now. For whatever reason, the dating gods graced me with perfection that day, I was witty, I was charming, I was having a non-bushy hair day. He kissed me outside the subway on the wall at the end of the date and I felt this flutter in my heart that made me let go of all the doubt I had about myself in my last relationships. He was it for me and I thought I had actually nailed it. It turns out he just thought it was hilarious and somewhat adorable that I had spinach (literally) in my teeth our first date.The day I fell for my bf was like a scene out of Pride and Prejudice. We spent the whole day at the Met Museum, me spouting off all my nerdy talk about medieval art, showing him my favorite pieces (yes I know that museum a bit too well). We had planned to grab dinner and a movie on the other side of the park that night. Of course, the second we walked out of the Met it started to downpour. It was like and Indian Monsoon he said. We found a guy selling large umbrellas (which btw where the hell do these umbrella sales peeps come from out of nowhere when it start to rain) and bought one. We walked through the park in the muddy paths all the while stopping to kiss and listen to the rain. And we got soaked… But really come on how could you not fall for someone so patient so sweet so handsome so unbelievably everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. I melted into his warmth in the theater that night while trying not to shiver from my wet feet. The rest as they say is history.The day he told me he loved me was weird. We had gone out that night for his best friends birthday. I had run into a friend on the streets (male) who worked at a wine bar in west village and offered us free champagne for Mr. Cool’s friends bday. Somehow everyone was really against accepting free champagne (they all thought it was like they were getting hustled as they did in Switzerland). We headed over to a club one of my friends was at The Jane which btw is always a horrible plan…there’s literally no air conditioning. At this point I was a little drunk…and when I get drunk I just talk…slurred but yes I talk a lot. I spoke to the bouncer going in and out of the club. Chatted with Mr.Cools friends or so I thought. When we got back to my place, suddenly Mr. Cool was pissed off at me. He started yelling at me and asking me “is this how you always act, just flirt with everyone?” Now just a little background…I am from the west coast. I think talking to everyone is normal, not flirtatious but friendly. And I seriously didn’t believe I was trying to be flirtatious at all that night..even a little (with the bouncer? Like really?) Anyway he made me cry because I didn’t understand what I did wrong. He kept saying he was going to leave me which…flash back a few months before, this same problem happened with my ex who got mad that my ex bfs sent me text messages (even after I showed him the messages). So I panicked started to cry, kept thinking what the hell am I doing wrong and Mr. Cool stop and said…look its cause I love you….RED FLAG #1 The next month I was in his home town in Switzerland. I was in Paris for work that week and wanted to do a weekend trip, had never been to Switzerland but had always wanted to see it. It was incredible. The town was so quaint, the country so beautiful, it was out of a dream. He had connected me to one of his best friends who offered to take me out to some very Euro clubs. Kept asking what I did (as in drugs)to which I responded literally nothing. I just wanted to drink and have fun with one of Mr.Cool’s best friends. We ended staying out until 4:00 am. So I’m a female alone in a foreign city, not that it is a bad city but one of the friends of Mr.Cools friends offered to walk me back to my hotel. We got back to my hotel he said goodbye and I went up to sleep. I wanted to wake up early the next day to check out the sites and play tourist. I woke up to angry texts and phone calls from Mr. Cool who was mad I didn’t text him when I got home…In Switzerland while he was in NY…Mind you I am a 26 year old adult who’s traveled by herself on numerous occasions. I’m not used to checking in with my bf…he yelled at me told me I had ruined his reputation in Switzerland ect ect. I honestly don’t remember how he calmed down eventually but I believe he eventually did.RED FLAG #2 We went out on a date to a burger joint, skipped ahead of the entire line and sat down at a booth. The waiter someone gave us a little grief for doing this but gave us the Ok to stay. So I did what I’ve always done with my wait staff, strike up a convo (I used to be a waitress myself and really loved to talk to my tables.. therefore I assume all people like to talk to tables whoops). I complemented his glasses saying I really like his style, aske a few questions about the signatures on the bricks in the restaurant to see if they were in fact real (yes Dr.Dre had in fact eaten there) ect ect. Suddenly Mr.Cool just falls silent. Won’t respond to me at all. We sit and eat in silence. I wrote (as I literally do at every restaurant) thank you on the receipt with a ❤ heart. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??? Mr. Cool absolutely freaked out that I would ever act like that in front of him. He kept saying how would you feel if I told some girl like nice tits? (maybe not the equivalent of nice glasses?) But I responded, look I am not a jealous person. If you want to hit on girls and get there numbers then don’t be in a relationship but I wasn’t hitting on the waiter…at the burger joint…wearing glasses.RED FLAG #3 I have a really nice apartment in NY. I had recently transition jobs which required me to have a remote desk (working for a company in SF) so had to have a real normal sized room (gasp they exist in NY). Because of this nice apartment and my remote working, I had offered have Mr.Cool leave some stuff at my place every now and again. The reason being, he still had to live with his parents. (Visa problems/going to school and you can’t have an income it was his only solution, not a problem for me at all I really do support it). So the logical thing when you’re in a relationship would be to slowly transition into your gfs place. He left a toothbrush. After 9 months of us dating (6 months formal) that was all he would leave. He would go so far as to spend the night and go home at 7 in the morning because he got tired of bringing his stuff here. I offered time and time again to just keep 2-3 shirts 1 pair of pants and maybe a pair of shoes at my place (btw we live 10-15 min apart at most) and he refused. We’re 27 now…it seemed a bit bizarre. He also never ever wanted to shower with me. I mean each to his own but it really made me feel like he just wasn’t comfortable with me…that I wasn’t sexy enough for him.RED FLAG #4 Mr. Cool is always late…not 10-20-30 min late. 2-3 HOURS late. Every time I invited him out with my friends, he would show up 2-3 hours late, make an excuse that he had to walk the dog, or had to shower, or had to clean or had to blah blah blah. Everytime. In the 9 months (at this point) we had been together he had met my friends twice….He kept saying he hates going out and clubbing and partying. But just before me he was dating a model and did that with here nearly everynight. I understand being burned out…I do but twice is a really bad statistic.RED FLAG #5 When we were together I was always on my phone…It is a bad habit I picked up from dating my high school sweetheart long distance for 7ish years. It’s a problem I have. But when I was with him, he was constantly looking at sport scores, constantly reading articles constantly on Instagram constantly disconnected with me. I think I have a lot of fault in that too but it made it hard for me to break that habit.Ok so now we get into the part where I really fucked up. Yes people I fucked this relationship up, my man among men, I ruined it.I mentioned I had started a new job. I was a remote worker, very disconnected and isolated from social environments and getting worse since my bf never wanted to spend time with my friends and I only wanted to spend time with him. We had these great weeks called strategy weeks where my entire company would go out to SF and we would be in meetings for 12 hours and then dinners and drinks. The whole time my bf would call me and freak out if I didn’t text him when I was home…he kept saying “im just worried about you.” But it felt like he was being possessive and trying to control me. When I was out at work, I needed to focus on learning everything I could from my colleagues and learning what resources I had available should something come up that I don’t know the answer to. See I had moved from being a flood resiliency engineer to working in series reactor/ series capacitor technology…a field dominated by EE Phds. I am a civil engineer….I had a lot a lot a lot a lot to learn. So we would go out to dinners as a group. My colleagues and I. But one time…my colleague invited me to a solo dinner. He had invited other colleagues on solo dinners such as these. My boss who I was closest to in particular suggested I go out to dinner with this guy for traditional Lebanese food. Now I am a young 26 year old at this time, he is a 41 year old well established engineering colleague. I was an absolute naïve idiot to think that he would respect the boundaries of professionalism. So at this dinner I thought everything was good! We talked about my career as and as engineer and that he felt I should really pursue my PE ect ect. It seemed very non-threatening. Plus he was our project engineer so someone I needed to know his skillset to help me in the future as I’m helping progress our projects. He gave me some of his homemade Lebanese drink (kind of like greek ouzo) then I took a car home. Everything was professional and perfect and nothing seemed off.I got laid of January. I was working for a startup and these things happen. I got laid off in a slaughterhouse style where 15 of us were in a room…while the rest of our company was in the other room (of course all my crap happened to be in the nonslaughterhouse room). My 41 year old colleague had a car, I did not. He rescued my stuff, and grabbed me out of the crowd of sympathetic former colleagues. I have never felt so awful in my entire life. I have never felt so rejected and low and miserable in my entire life. He was a saving grace. He told me I have a lot of edible weed and wine. And that was literally all I wanted. Now I will tell you he did try to kiss me once. And I told him time and time again I had a bf and it was inappropriate. We were colleagues nothing more. But I made the STUPID MISTAKE to go with him. I called my bf from the car and he was sympathetic and sweet. I think all I wanted was for him to say come home come back to me I’ll help you, we’ll figure this out, its going to be ok. But he just said “I’m really sorry.” I proceeded to get absolutely blackedout that night. Woke up in a hotel with colleague and freaked out….I didn’t know what had happened I didn’t know how to deal with being laid off. I just wanted to go home.Flash forward to me driving home. My supportive bf tells me to not be too complacent in searching for jobs. I get home…and there’s a laptop on my doorstep. I’m thinking its from my bf, what a sweet and insanely kind thing to do….nope….it was from the 41 year old….then I get flowers…not from my bf but from the 41 year old. At this point I started to feel a bit threatened. I didn’t think this guy had malicious intent but I was wrong. I started seeing this weird doting pattern from him. Now I wanted to tell my bf about it but lets think back to all of the instances when literally nothing was going on and my bf freaked out…and nothing I said or did could assuage his anger. I started thinking this 41 year old…did something to me. He was sending me gifts. He was 100% prepared for when I got laid off…did he get me fired so he could have a shot? He kept saying you’re not engaged, you’re not married, a boyfriend basically means you’re single “girls use that as a defense in the bay all the time.” I mean are you f***ing kidding me? You pursue women who clearly don’t want your attention by justifying it’s just a defense. I don’t know what happened that night…but I started feeling like I was getting hush money. That he had gotten me fired, that he had something over me and he was trying to win me over my bf. I cheated on my bf. The man I loved more than I ever thought I could. I cheated on him with this 41 year old. I saw him when I went to the bay and I cheated on him.Now 41 year old starts to facebook friend request my sisters…and showed up to dinners I had in the bay with my little sister (UNINVITED). I felt so threatened and uncomfortable and I thought…He’s going to tell Mr. Cool I did something with him….he has photos of that night, the night I don’t remember and he’s going to destroy my relationship with him. So I slept with him...More than once. I don't know if it was because I was scared, because I wanted to, because I figured things are over with Mr. Cool, because it seemed right...I dont knowI wanted to tell Mr. Cool. I really did but I didn’t know how to explain or justify what had happened. I knew he would get angry...I just didn't know how muchSo Mr. Cool is graduating…and he gets a guerilla email from someone saying “Hope you’re having fun on you special day, did you know your “girl” has been seeing someone since December?” 41 year old….sent him that message.Now, Mr.Cool confronted me. We talked about everything I told him everything and he decide I needed to work to earn his trust back, that I needed to bend over backwards to be with him again.And I said ok. I signed myself up to go to a counselor (another one from the one I had been seeing since this event happened, new job, new insurance, new counselor). I have busied myself with new volunteer efforts, gone to the climbing gym made plans with gfs worked to be happy by myself with out relying on him to make me happy…worked on just being ok with what happened and trying everyday to earn his trust back. Being forward with him about conversations with other men. Telling him if something had changed from what I previously told him. He assumed I was constantly lying and I ACTUALLY WASNT.So its been a month. I have told him everyday where I’m going who I’m seeing what I’m doing and sometimes things change, we're in a fight so I tell him new facts after. For example, a guy friend of mine who he is insanely jealous of since he is an ex of mine from 5 years ago wasn't going to a wedding I'm attending but is now going to a wedding I'm attending. This all came to light while we were fighting...it wasn't my top priority to tell him. But I did tell him with in 3-4 days of me finding this out for myself.He has called me a whore, he has told me he is going to kill himself because of this break up, he told me I had to have sucked a guys dick off in order to get my new job, he has told all of his friends and family I cheated on him and has isolated me from everyone else. He has accused me of wanting to sleep with all of my guy friends. He got mad at me for deleting photos when I tried to break up with him for the 100 time because I can’t take it anymore. He accused me of deleting photos so I could sleep with whoever I wanted when I had to travel for work… Who actually does that and like photographic evidence stops men from hitting on someone???I am at my lowest low. I don’t know what to do. I went out last night with old friends from my undergrad, males and females and he got so mad at me….He was out with his friends who didn’t want me to come because of what I did to him… I need some advise. I love him…I want to work though this but I really need the guy to meet me like 10% of the way there and I will carry the other 90%. He’s absolutely allowed to be hurt and angry but at what point is it too much?! There have been so many problems in this relationship and I’ve stood by thinking its just a phase, eventually he’ll leave stuff here, eventually he’ll want to hang out with my friends, eventually he’ll prioritize me over walking his dog…these were problems long before the 41 year old happened.I MESSED UP…I KNOW I DID I CHEATED ON HIM. But how do I move forward in this if he’s not willing to work to forgive me? via /r/dating_advice