#I had to take a break while writing this
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I was just listening to some sad music while thinking about q!bbh and… the eggs changed him. They saved him in a sense. All of them.
When Bad first arrived at the island he was aimless and much like Foolish, looking for the next subject of entertainment. He was only out for himself and couldn’t be bothered to lend a helping hand to anyone.
Then he was given a little egg with a top hat and everything changed. He had someone vulnerable to look out for, to provide for, and suddenly he was given purpose. All of these little eggs were precious beyond words and everything was perfect until it wasn’t.
Charlie tried to murder Dapper right in front of Bad. That was the first time Bad felt fear in a long long time then a deep sadness settled in when he learned Juanaflippa had died and that’s what sent Slime on his rampage and everything suddenly felt so much more real. The illusion of perfection broke and Bad realized, truly realized, just what Dapper meant to him.
Juanaflippa was brought back but then a hat trick of tragedy strikes and Bad is forever changed. Bad has a chance to walk Tilin home but she chooses to go with Slime who accidentally kills her. Juanaflippa chooses to stay with Mariana and he accidentally kills her - again. And Trump dies of neglect alone in an empty house. (Cc!Bad mentioned on stream a while back that the admins had asked him if he could do Trump’s tasks but Bad didn’t realize how dire the situation was- he blames himself)
Within the span of 24 hours, three eggs died and Bad could have saved each of them. This is when everything changes for Bad’s character. This is where Bad vows that no egg was ever going to die of neglect again. This is when Bad started grinding to become the richest person on the server and ensured that all the eggs had maxed out armor at all times. These eggs dying the way they did is what created the Badboyhalo we knew.
Bad created the warp plate system in the sky so he’d be able to reach just about anywhere near spawn to save an egg if they went down. He is the one who discovered the true utility of warp stones and spread that information across the server. He is the one who informed everyone of the autoeat and XP pump functions of the backpack and set up all the eggs with infinite XP so their armor would never break.
He was so incredibly damaged by these eggs dying that he turned all his hyper vigilance towards protecting the remaining eggs even if he barely knew the parents or the eggs themselves. He would never say no to someone asking for help ever again.
Bad went from selfish and out for himself to the most selfless person on the server. He was a demon seeking entertainment in the wake of eternity and transformed into a servant of the people who gave his life again and again for others without question.
Getting Dapper primed Bad for change. Dapper was the crack in the stone that allowed the walls within him to shatter when Juanaflippa, Tilin, and Trump died. Ever since that tragic day, all of the eggs became part of Bad’s family.… and now they are gone.
Dapper and their siblings brought out the best of Bad. They saved him from a cycle of chaotic indifference. And now he’s alone again. Everything he’s done to protect them has been for nothing. Everything he’s changed, the steps he took towards healing millennia old traumas… all of that was for not.
Some wounds cut too deep to heal. Even with all the progress Bad made, he still valued his entire self worth on how useful he was to others, on protecting the eggs. Every time something happened to the kids, he took it as a personal failure. When Bobby died, he blamed himself for not going with them on the adventure. Now they are gone gone. They fled. They are somewhere Bad can’t follow. He failed them. He had one job and he failed.
It doesn’t matter what happens to him now. Getting them back is all that matters. Bad’s world has lost all vibrancy and he’s physically fading away. He doesn’t notice because he can’t let himself. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is getting them back. But even if he does… it’s already too late. He failed. He couldn’t protect them. He failed.
When the eggs come back changed (hatched?) all he will see is his failure. If he lives long enough to see his babies return, will they give him the strength to come back from this? Or will their presence give him the reassurance that… it’s okay. He doesn’t need to fight anymore. They are safe now. He can let go. One last goodbye.
Fuck man. I’ve been here since the beginning. Since the second day Bad had Dapper. I’ve watched almost every single stream since. I’ve watched Bad change in real time. I’ve watched Dapper and the other eggs change him. I stayed up until 3 am watching Bad bargain with god to save his son from an unfair death. I’ve watched Bad chase desperately across the map only to arrive moments too late to find Ramon’s corpse. I’ve watched him sit silently weeping while waiting for Jaiden and Roier to say their last goodbyes. I still remember his screams for Dapper when they were killed by pillagers. I remember them stranded in the snow tens of thousands of blocks from safety with no items no food Dapper couldn’t even speak. Terrified that it could end then and there.
The fact that this whole journey has lead us here. Bad is literally dying because he failed them. He failed them in a hundred different ways but this was the big one. This failure broke him. If Bad does end up dying dying at the end of this arc… that would both be the most narratively satisfying yet heart breaking thing that could possibly happen. The eggs saved him in a million different ways. It makes sense that they would also be the death of him.
Bad’s a demon and a grim reaper so I doubt he’d stay dead but I could see Dapper and friends going on a quest to bring him back from where ever demons/grim reapers go when they die. Maybe he’ll finally get some closure from the tragedies he’s left in his wake all throughout history. Maybe he’ll get a chance to truly start over with a clean slate.
Fuck now I’m thinking about Dapper having ti live through their dad sacrificing himself for them and their siblings. We know Dapper was borderline suicidal before being taken so just… Dapper seeing themself in Bad too late and not being able to save him. Killing himself for the greater good. Dapper refusing to accept that Bad is gone and spending every waking minute researching how to bring him back by any means necessary but knowing Bad would want them to move on, to live, to live, to live.
I have no idea where Bad’s character is going. I have no idea if he’s gonna go full villain and burn the server to destroy the federation. I have no idea if he’s gonna sacrifice himself and die trying to get the eggs back. I have no idea if his grief is literally killing him and he’s acting so desperate with the knowledge that he’s on borrowed time. All I know is cc!Bad is gonna take us on one hell of a ride and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
#qsmp#crimson speaks#badboyhalo#tw suicide mention#I had to take a break while writing this#bad was giving off huge death flags today#so I was kinda just thinking about everything#bbh’s arc has been so tragic from the start#but just looking at it at face value u wouldn’t notice#the eggs have changed everyone#but I think they’ve had the greatest impact on bbh#at least we were able to see the evolution of his character fully#we knew who he was without the eggs so we got the contrast#q!bad is gonna be the death of me one day#I literally had to stop writing this cuz I was crying#but im fine now XD#enjoy the angst with me
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there’s something minty going on in strangerville… ⚗️
#if anyone wants to write a detailed guide on taking gp shots i’m all down 🙃#ts4#ts4 gameplay#ts4 screenshots#ts4 legacy#;actaea#;actaeag1#sim: nimphidia#sim: nano#(robot kitty)#ts4 not so berry challenge#||#this house has taken me four days across like 18 hours fhfhf#i am in love with it absolutely omg#now i just gotta step back and take a break from it so i don’t immediately want to demolish it fhfhf#nimphidia is so cute she’s bubbly and bright and loves being colorful and mischievous#but she will also smile at you while she takes off your legs to study what you’d do if you had to crawl out of a collapsing building yknow?#just for the ~science~ of it all#and i love that about her fhfhf baby mad scientist in a frutiger aero world#she’s going to end up with specimens floating in tubes and a crush on a certain ferryman of souls so lets gooOOOO#i love you all i hope you’re doing well mwah 😘#another day off wasted to the sims brain bug fjfhfh#oh this is based off of monsanto’s house of tomorrow btw!!
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Fox is dead.
He knows he is. His life hadn't been over instantly when his body had been suddenly and violently grabbed and twisted beyond what he could take. He had lied there, after, for a moment longer, knowing nothing but pain and the sinking feeling that he was dying.
He is here, now, not where his body had been left to die, but somewhere else. Somewhere he does not recognise, but knows, still, almost instinctually.
It looks like a grand hall with golden rivers and silver skies, so large that he cannot see how far the walls actually go. He tries to see, but everything is simply too far away.
There are others around him. Fox can see them and hear them moving around, walking past him, stepping around him like they don't see him but still know he is there.
Fox tries to look at some of them. He can see faces, so, so many of them, and if he focuses long enough on one of them, he can see it more clearly for a second, but no more. It is like they are far away from him as well, too far away for him to actually see them.
He watches as they go. They all follow the rivers, each a different one, disappearing somewhere alongside them after a while. Fox knows, somehow, that he is supposed to also follow one of the rivers to somewhere, wherever it may lead him to.
He hears one of them, faintly, if he listens very carefully. It's like the river wants him to follow, but cannot make him do so. Fox also wants to follow, but cannot make himself do so.
He knows the reason as well. He knows that he has done mistakes. Many of them. So, so many of them. He knows some of those mistakes have been too grave for his brothers to forgive.
Fox knows he is not welcome anymore.
The river sighs, and then flows away from him.
Fox stands there, and watches as faces he cannot see walk past him and disappear.
---
He waits.
It is the only thing he can do, after all. Wait.
It's a strange thing, waiting there. Every time he looks somewhere and watches someone, and then looks away for what feels even barely a second, there is already someone else there in their place. He needs to not forget himself, if he wants to not get lost there. He figures that out pretty quickly.
It's cold, there. The rivers look warm and the skies look clear, but Fox cannot feel them. He cannot feel anyone walking past him. They are there, just like he is, but at the same time, it is like they are existing on parallel realities, and only getting a glimpse of what is going on behind the glass that separates them.
Perhaps it's just Fox who sees them. Perhaps no one else sees him.
He tries not to think about that too much.
---
There are a lot of brothers walking around him.
Fox can see their faces clearly. They do notice him too. Many walk towards him, if they see him, and some of them speak to him, if they get close enough.
Fox wonders if they notice him because the Force recognises them as the same, or at least close enough. If the Force recognises them as kin, even when Fox has been casted aside.
His brothers want him to come with them. They can still hear the river, calling them, guiding them forward to somewhere they are meant to go. His brothers try to take his hands and take him with them. Fox had not expected that, if he is being completely honest. He would understand it, if the others were thinking that he was just any brother.
But no. Some of them do recognise him, and still reach for him, even if they are not wearing the Guard red.
"Of course you can come with", one brother in 212th gold tells him. "The Commander always spoke very fondly of you. You are our brother. Of course you can come with us."
He reaches for Fox, and he makes contact, and even when his hand is warm, Fox's legs are stuck on the ground.
The brother looks at Fox with sad eyes.
"I'm sorry", he says. "You are our brother."
"I know", Fox tells him. "I know. Can you say hi to everyone for me?"
"Of course", his brother tells him, and then follows the river away from Fox.
---
The Guards, once they figure out that Fox cannot follow them, want to stay with him.
"You are our Commander", they all tell him. "We're not going to leave you here alone!"
They stay, all of them, as long as they are able to. They hold onto him, like Fox is their anchor, the only thing keeping them from drifting away with the river.
Fox lets them stay with him, for a while, but eventually he tells all of them to go.
"Don't worry", he tells them. "Others will come along. I'll be fine. Say hello to everyone for me, alright? Go now. I'll be fine."
There is always resisting, but eventually, they do leave. They have to. The river is guiding them forward, and they have to follow it. Fox cannot hear the river, and his brothers cannot guide him themselves to it.
Fox stands there, and watches them leave.
---
Stone is the first one to arrive after Fox.
It's strange, to look at him. He looks both like the Stone Fox remembers, and like Stone Fox doesn't quite recognise, Stone who is slightly older and has a new scar across his face.
It's still Stone, though.
Stone stays with him for a long, long time.
But eventually, he leaves as well.
"I'll be fine", Fox says, for the hundreth time. "Say hi to Thorn for me."
"I will", Stone promises. "I will."
---
After Stone comes Hound. He stays for a long time as well, and promises to say hello to Thorn and Stone.
After Hound comes Bly.
Bly puts his arms around Fox and holds him.
"It's not fair", he says, again and again. "It's not fair, this isn't how any of this is supposed to go! It doesn't matter if someone has called you a Dar'vod, you are my brother! That should matter more!"
"I know", Fox says.
"Why are you so calm about this?" Bly asks him. "You are stuck here! You should be with all of us!"
"Bly, please", Fox says. "I can't. Please don't...please don't remind me too much. Please don't."
Bly goes quiet. He still holds onto Fox for a long time.
Eventually, he has to let go.
"It's okay", Fox promises him. "Say hi to Ponds for me."
---
Thire comes last.
Fox knows more time has passed now. It's strange, to look at Thire, and see his youngest brother there, but also someone who is a lot older than Fox ever got to be now.
He looks a lot like Prime before he died, Fox thinks, but doesn't say it out loud.
He also thinks it's a good thing Thire looks so much older than Fox. Fox knows he wouldn't have been able to endure his little brother dying young like Fox had.
"We have a chance", Thire tells him. "There are a lot of people standing against the Empire. Bail and Breha are with them."
Fox almost starts crying then and there. It's been- he doesn't even know how long it has been since someone has said those names to him.
"They're," Fox swallows, and tries again, "they're alright?"
"Yes", Thire says. "They are. I let them take your body, you know? You're there with them."
It's strange, to think about what happened to him after his death. Fox has been here the whole time, not there.
He guesses whatever was left of him there was what was left of him to everyone else, as well.
Fox thinks about it for a while, and then turns back to Thire.
"What else has been going on?" He asks, because he already knows that Thire is going to be staying for a while.
So Thire stays, and he tells his stories, until he has nothing else to say.
He promises, like all of Fox's brothers before him, to say hi to everyone for him. He hugs Fox for a long while, before he finally lets go.
Fox watches him leave for as long as he can.
---
The Galaxy is big, and there is always someone dying.
Fox has accepted that to be just the inevitable way of life. Everyone and everything dies eventually, even the stars. He thinks he had heard that from someone while he was still alive.
Still, some deaths are more tragic than others. Some deaths are ones that Fox thinks shouldn't have happened, not at least in the way that they did, no matter the inevitable nature of death itself.
He has seen it all pretty much, by now. Many people have been crying when walking past him, but as far as Fox has seen, they have all always dried their tears before they disappear with their rivers. He has seen anger and despair, both in a way that suits normal lives and in a way that he recognises to suit lives that are ended by the brutality of war. They all seem to always get past it, though, before they continue their journey past where he cannot see them anymore.
Fox has learned that it is normal for there to be a lot of people around him, and for them to be in distress.
But still, he knows something is wrong.
Maybe it's the way the people just seem to appear, all of a sudden, all at once, instead of coming in many rivulets. Maybe it's in the way that people are now moving. Many are still walking towards, around and past him, like they usually do, but many, too many, way too many, are running around, shouting and screaming names, searching for faces with desperation and grief written all over their own, whenever Fox gets to look at them for long enough.
It feels less like a river now, flowing towards their ends, but like a wild rapids, like rogue waves being pushed around against shores that are too small and tight for them.
Fox looks at them more closely.
He has seen it all, by now. Adults, elderly, teenagers, even children. People die at all ages all the time.
But this? There are so many of them, searching for each other. All of them are crying. He sees so many small children, healthy looking, yelling for their parents, for their siblings, friends, anyone, and just as many adults doing the same, searching for their children and parents and anyone they know, and they just keep coming.
Fox tries to look at them, tries to listen at them for long enough to figure out what is going on, but it's even more difficult now, when there are so many faces and voices around him. Something terrible, he can tell, because there seems to be no end for them, and whenever he gets to hear more than one word from any of them, they all sound the same, like they all speak the same language in the same way.
Fox doesn't understand how that can be. How can this many people die like this, all seemingly at once, in one place? He has seen war before, but even the largest massacres had been nothing like this.
He listens to them more, and there is now something familiar in the way they all talk, in a way that suddenly makes Fox go cold, like he was dying himself all over again.
He knows it. He knows the way they are all speaking, he has listened to that very same way of speech so many times.
Suddenly Fox understands everyone around him searching and screaming very well, because he is doing the same now.
Not screaming yet, but definitely searching. He tries to look at all the faces, to see if he sees them, and he prays to something, anything, everything, that he doesn't find what he is looking for.
He doesn't need to look into the faces of people around him to see them, eventually, because in the sea of faces and voices on the other side of a misty window, he sees two more than clearly.
Fox understands the grief in everyone's faces now too.
He is definitely screaming, now.
No words at first, no. Just a sound that makes its way out of him without him being able to control it at all. He sees them hear it, because they stop, and they start to look around, their eyes searching the people around them.
Fox hasn't had to breathe in a long, long time, but now he feels like he is out of air anyway. He drags his voice back in, and pushes it back in where it can be formed into words, and he screams again.
"Breha!" His voice is tearing up at its invisible seams. "Bail!"
He looks at them, and that's the moment they look at him and see him, standing there, in the same place where he has been standing his whole time there.
Fox watches as they start running as well, still looking at him, and then they are there, and Bail is just a little bit closer and throws his arms around him.
Fox stumbles, his legs ripping away from the ground. He doesn't get to wonder about it for too long, because Bail is holding him now. He is warm, just the way Fox achingly clearly remembers him to be, and then Breha is there as well, her arms going between Bail's to hold onto Fox just as tight.
They all stand there, for a moment which length Fox cannot measure, in each others arms.
Breha is the first one to speak.
"Fox", she says, in a way she always used to say his name, and Fox is barely able to keep the tears that have sprung into his eyes from falling.
Her hand reaches up and touches his jaw and then his cheek.
"Fox", Bail says then, as well, and Fox cannot hold it in anymore.
He cries.
He is pretty sure they are all crying.
There is another hand on his face, now, both of them wiping away the tears still falling down.
"Fox", Breha calls him again. "Fox, my love, our love. Look at me."
What else can Fox do, than to do as she asks of him?
It is Breha and Bail, standing there, just like he remembers them, but not quite. When Fox blinks, there are definitely grey streaks in Bail's beard and hair, and there is a long, silvery strand framing Breha's face. More lines around their eyes when Fox looks closer, ones he doesn't remember seeing there before.
It doesn't matter to him, not really. He knows them, still.
It's a strange mix of emotions he is feeling. Relief, of finally seeing them again. Happiness, brought by being held by them again.
Sorrow, for seeing them both there, emerging from the chaos of grief, knowing that they are here with him now, because they are both dead.
"Why?" He asks, because he doesn't know what else to ask. It's one word, but they understand it still.
The same grief is on their faces as well.
"The Empire", Bail starts, and pauses for a moment, like speaking pains him, "has figured out how to build weapons of mass destruction beyond anything we could've imagined. We've been fighting against them for a long time now, and...we finally got caught. Alderaan is no more."
"I don't understand", Fox says. "That doesn't make any sense."
Except it does, in a sense that it explains why there were so many of them all of a sudden, all frightened, like they hadn't had any time to prepare for their deaths. But it doesn't, because Fox cannot, will not believe that there is a weapon that can make a whole planet and everyone on it disappear.
"I know", Breha says, soothing, like she isn't the one who has just lost her own life and everything else. "It's not all lost. Our daughter, she's out there. She has the key to stopping them."
"She will do it", Bail says, and he sounds proud, so proud. "She will. We know she will."
Fox believes them when they say it.
"Of course she will", he says. "She is your daughter, after all. If she is anything like you, she can do anything."
They look at him gently, then.
"Our daughter", Breha repeats. "Our daughter. Just because you weren't there doesn't mean she is any less yours. She carries you with her as much as we did."
"She takes after you very much as well", Bail says, and there is a sparkle in his eyes again as he speaks. "Determined and strong, just like you."
Fox cries again. They don't rush him to stop, just stay there with him and hold him until everything has been spent.
"I wish I would've known her", Fox says. "I wish I would've been there."
"We wish so too", Bail says. "There wasn't a day we didn't wish that you were with us still."
"But you are now", Breha says, brushing her fingers softly over the skin under Fox's eye. "You are with us again. We have all the time now to tell you everything."
That is the moment Fox remembers that he can move again.
He has to make sure. He lifts one leg, and takes half a step back, and then makes the other leg follow.
He can move, but he still cannot hear the river.
"I would love that", he says. "But I...I don't know where to go."
"Don't worry", Bail says. He reaches for Fox's hand, and takes it into his, firmly and securely. "We know. We'll show you."
Breha laces her fingers with Fox's as well, tying herself to him like a safety line on the outside of a ship. They turn to face the golden rivers, meandering towards their ends under the silver skies, and they take Fox with them.
#I was fighting for my life with this one#I literally had to take too crying breaks#every once in a while you have to write something that is very canon compliant#so that you can continue to ignore the canon after it#fox just needed other guides to help him#okay good now that his is done I can go back to my no order 66 fix it :)#sw#tcw#my writing#ficlets#commander fox#bail organa#breha organa#commander stone#commander thire#bail/breha/fox#Star Writing
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Drarry ~ E ~ 10k ~ Blacksmith Draco ~ Unspeakable Harry ~ attractive adventurer Teddy Lupin
Written for the @drarrymicrofic song prompt Who We Are by my countryman Hozier. "Oh Christ, hold me like a knife" inspired this one.
A gift for my dear friend @sitp-recs who means so much to me and who inspires me to look beyond my own drarry-centric brain and see the beauty in Teddy Lupin other characters. Happy belated birthday, Livvy!
Love and thanks to @maesterchill and @sweet-s0rr0w who lend their brilliant brains to me and always make things so much better.
Please check tags and author's notes for warnings!
Wield Me
You’re not an easy man to track down,” Harry said from the doorway, where he was leaning like he was meant to be there. Draco hadn’t heard him arrive over the greedy roar of the flames in the forge, the measured exhaled rhythm of the bellows.
Harry was sweating already, top lip shining, cheeks pink with heat. His t-shirt had damp patches under the arms, a dark spreading vee across the chest.
“You have to really want me to find me,” Draco told him, taking a lazy sort of pleasure when Harry smiled at that, as Draco had known he would. “And anyway, you saw me last week at the pub.”
“Doesn’t count,” Harry said, succinctly. “That was pleasure, not business.”
Pleasure, Draco thought, the word rolling over him, something physical in it, like the memory of spilled beer and low lighting and, much later, Draco’s mouth swollen from the feel of Harry’s stubble, and then he remembered himself and cast Harry a chastising look.
“Are you just here to distract me, or do you have a purpose for this visit? Only I’ve got a lot on, so…” He gestured at their surroundings, the low fervid light from the forge, the fat-bellied leather bellows, the anvil sitting squat, backlit against the flames. Harry followed his movement, his eyes catching on the faint gleam of tools sitting on the workbench and beyond that, the display shelves where metal winked through the faint haze of smoke.
“I need to commission you,” Harry said.
Read the rest on AO3
Image: Octavian Dan on unsplash
#drarry#drarry fic#rowing and writing#i actually wrote myself out of covid with this one#had to take a break from the final scene of my long wip as my brain wouldn't work#had started and abandoned this one already#but then it spilled out while I was recuperating#v satisfying#brain clearly needed a change of pace#and by change of pace i mean kissing teddy lupin
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Not that I needed a NEW project to work on but... Here's my Underfell take. Let's see where this goes.
#look I'm burnt out on Angel's and I need a small break from FR as I rear up for the side story game. i made the main assets for it and the#story is mostly planned out and ready to be written#i want to do some concept stuff and i only have one life to live and I'm going to do what makes me happy!!!!#underfell#undertale#also i'm being vauge to what kinda game this will be. might be just a visual novel like New Royals! Maybe its a playable game!#we'll find out someday. rn i'm just getting the core concepts down#i actually have been thinking about this for a while but something clicked in my head and now I'm determined to make this thing#so ike. backstory time. i worked on a big project with a friend but that project had history unrelated to me#that it was best for that project to be cancelled and I'm glad it did#BUT i did a lot of cool writing for that AU and I want to use those ideas#so i realized itd be cool as hell to make it a part of my underfell take
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Found this old doodle and added some colours
#tog#the old guard#kaysanova#siggy draws#so grey and brown lol my gosh#either joe got tired of losing his shoes in the snow or he broke his legs and they healed a while ago lol#either way there's no way nicky isn't struggling sdfgfs but he's not gonna put him down!#joe ain't waify. they have to weigh the same amount. nicky is just on a mission. why put husband down when husband is having so much fun?#this feels so old for some reason lol. i had that brain worm that told me i absolutely had to upload something.#have to force myself to take a break from drawing and writing!!#i kind of preferred this without colour hmmm. i might have posted it on my ko-fi a while back?? now i can't remember
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BLOOD||HUNGER
[PREV PART] [AO3]
OOO I'm very excited to share this chapter! We're getting close to the finish line!
Its name is "The Song of Us"
Page 54 of the “Blooede Starvatfōre-dēde”, parable 15:
The Blind man asks his companion, before dawn break,
What do you believe, is a beast’s fate,
Once death seizes its life, in his inevitable grasp?
The beast, his heart knowing of the fallen knight’s pleas,
Of men they lost, who were left to be but a worm’s dark feast,
Answers, death reaches for monsters all the same as men,
For the unjust, for the cruel,
For the kind, for the forgiving,
All bones become one, until they become none,
As death is the only being, to see all as one and the same.
This city is quiet, in the way a drowning is. Something wicked is happening under the surface, hidden from plain sight. If only its victim had air to scream.
The Hunter has intel beyond the SAS’s scope, beyond Laswell’s. Informants, comms. A man pronounced to all as dead. How is it possible, they were written off as a non-threat before?
Soap grits his teeth, tapping the lit end of his cigarette on a wall. Simon started moving a few minutes ago, the poison once again retreating. By the haunted look in his brown eyes, John could tell they both know he’s running out of time.
Price has been arguing with Laswell while helping Simon. Something about the fact the Hunter seemingly didn’t exist a year prior, on paper. Appeared out of nowhere one day with an army behind them, ready to burrow into intelligence networks in a way even Makarov couldn’t.
Makarov’s name came up a lot in that conversation. Enough that Soap had to take a smoke.
Anger thrums through his veins. Begging for blood. The same incessant screaming that drove him to choke the life out of Makarov, the same fire that kept him going through this personal slice of hell.
Maybe he’s an idiot, for wanting to kill the Hunter, for believing it will change anything.
The cigarette’s flame licks his fingers.
Soap crushes it against the wall. He turns around, watching Simon and the Captain. Far enough to not hear them, but they seem to need a bit of privacy anyway. Soap can’t say he’s ever seen Price that emotional, in their short meetings.
He asks himself where Gaz is when the Lieutenant approaches him.
“Price is bloody livid, isn’t he?” Gaz huffs.
Soap hums. His eyes move from the Captain to Simon, his mask still on the ground besides him.
Kyle follows his stare, “did you know Ghost’s identity, when I found you two?”
“No”, the white skull almost glows in the moonlight, “I only found out when… the communicator tried to use it against him.”
He can feel Gaz scan his features, “and you still decided to work with him.”
Soap doesn’t answer. Simon and Price are hugging now, the movement uncoordinated to Ghost. He doesn’t know how he can tell.
He turns to face Gaz, “I swore we will finish this together. I don’t go back on my word.”
“We both know this goes beyond that, Soap.” Gaz gives him a half smile, “the way you look at him… Haven’t seen you like that with anyone else.”
Soap frowns, scoffing, “don’t know what yer-”
“You have feelings for him, don’t you?” Gaz asks, almost gently.
…Feelings?
…..Could he?
“I…”
“Don’t lie to yourself.” Gaz murmurs, “in all the years I’ve known you, you didn’t act like this. Going against everyone you know, jumping in front of him when Price starts threatening him, letting him rest his bloody head on your legs- c’mon Soap, you’re fucking smitten with the man-”
“Kyle.” Soap stops him, head hanging down to hide the embarrassment painting his cheeks red. He scrubs a weary hand over his features, looking up at his friend between his fingers.
Gaz’s eyes soften. Soap sighs, “I- this is not the time for that kind of shite. We need to fuckin’ dust the Hunter, and then-”
And then what?
Soap lowers his hand, stare unconsciously drifting towards Simon. Since when have his eyes started doing that?
It hasn’t been more than a month since he arrived to this godforsaken city. How is it that John can’t imagine being alone again?
Or… how can’t he imagine an ‘after’ without Simon?
“I won’t lie to you.” Kyle starts, his tone gentler, “I still don’t fully trust Ghost. Even if he is… Simon Riley.” the Lieutenant places a hand on his shoulder, “but I can tell what you truly want, even if you think it’s not feasible.”
“That’s because it isn’t-”
“Bullshit.” Gaz turns John around to face him, “look, we are not good men. We’ve been operating outside the law for… for as long as I can remember. What we do, the way we dirty our hands...”
Kyle lets out a shaky exhale, squeezing his shoulder, “what I’m saying is, we can make people disappear. And if you… if you want that, I can help. I’m sure Price will too-”
“Yer out of yer mind-”
“Are you going to go back to Scotland, mate?” Gaz’s voice sharpens on desperation, “are you gonna go back to feeling like you have nothing to live for? Can you really leave this life, leave Ghost, behind?” He almost whispers the end, “be honest.”
How could he go back? No apartment, endless job search, a buzz under his skin that cannot be scrubbed off, disappointment to his family, emptiness, emptiness, emptiness-
“What else can Ah do?!” Soap tenses under Gaz’s hand.
That hand keeps him steady all the same, “whatever you want, John.” Kyle smiles sadly, “me and Price don’t have that freedom, but you two? You don’t have stuffy generals breathing down your neck.”
“I don’t-” Soap cuts himself off, thoughts whirling faster in his mind. He gets reminded of what his therapist used to say about him, back when he was just discharged.
“You fixate on danger, John. To the point of obsession. You don’t know when to let go, if you believe you can make things right.”
“Even if the cost is more than you should be willing to pay.”
“Just… think about it. Besides…” Gaz looks away, expression darkening, “I have a feeling the 141 might need people like you in the future.”
Soap brows furrow, “dishonorably discharged adrenaline addicts?”
Kyle chuckles, “no”, his hands tighten on Soap’s shirt, “people we can trust. People who are willing to do what’s right, even if they know they shouldn’t. Even if they don’t act the way the higher ups would want them.”
His brown eyes turn to look at John, determination he first saw on bootcamp only growing stronger, “people like you.”
Soap goes through another cigarette with Gaz by the time Price and Simon return to them. Both of their eyes shine with tears.
“Laswell did some digging.” Price grunts, “wasn’t easy, finding intel on the Hunter. They know their way around our networks, clearly.” his stare flickers towards Simon, “this operation-”
“Mass murder” Soap corrects. Calling this an operation would spit on the dozens of innocent people left to rot here.
“Mass murder”, the Captain continues, “is very unusual for the Hunter’s soldiers. Almost… flashy.”
“The communicator admitted it was an attempt to frame me.” Simon rolls up the mask in his hands, slipping it on, “they needed to show the British Army I’m too dangerous to keep.”
“And they knew the SAS would send the 141 because of the informant.” Gaz huffs.
Price nods, “which they did succeed in, but it also exposed them to us.”
“The SAS wouldn’t have investigated it further if ye actually killed Ghost the first time around.” Soap grumbles, wincing a moment later when he remembered who he’s talking to.
The Captain takes it surprisingly seriously. “Correct. This is not the first time they hide behind a smaller, supposedly unconnected criminal.” he hangs his arms on his tacvest, commending voice booming in the empty streets, “the Hunter is now top priority for the 141, our orders are to eliminate them, along with any high ranking officers remaining within their army. This mission is classified to all but us and Laswell - anyone else will be treated as a potential collaborator of the Hunter.”
“What about Soap and Ghost, Captain?” Gaz asks.
Price sighs, “Ghost has escaped after releasing the civilian he captured as leverage. And John MacTavish?” a sly smile pushes his mustache up, ”he has never set foot in this city.”
Kate Laswell isn’t someone Soap knew well, back in his service. Has heard her name being dropped in a couple of debriefs, a few calls here and there regarding missions.
He becomes increasingly grateful she’s on their side, as she brings up more and more intel on the Hunter. Their main source of information is the informant Ghost killed - the man recognized several undercover soldiers moving supplies in and out of the city in the past few weeks. He knew something big was going to happen, but the SAS waved it off as a local gang.
On the day of his death, he managed to send in one last report. The informant knew his time was limited, that his cover was blown, so the message was painfully short.
‘Skull in warehouse, Konservy, game over’
It was not clear if who he referred to when he transmitted the name “Skull”, and at the time the comms officer asked the informant to repeat, thinking it was a mistyped “Ghost”. With what they know now, it’s highly likely he was actually talking about the Hunter, and their red skull insignia. Konservy is a name of a warehouse, two clicks out of the city, as Laswell quickly found out.
‘Game over’ is the agreed upon sign for caught spies.
Price and Gaz have brought out their maps, attempting to lock down the warehouse’s location. Soap and Ghost were gently shooed away after it became obvious they don’t have any more useful intel to provide.
“How’s your neck?” Ghost asks him, the two of them leaning against a crumbling wall.
Soap opens his mouth to answer, when gloved fingers brush over the bruised skin on his throat. “I uh…” he swallows, the hand following the movement, “I feel fine.”
Ghost hums, caressing the wound for a moment longer before pulling away. Soap wants to chase the touch.
He really is in over his head, isn’t he?
“Simon.” Soap looks up at the bright skull mask, “have you thought about… what are ye gonna do after?”
“...no.”
“...Would ye go back? To what you did before?”
Simon stares at him deeply, eyes closing, “I don’t think I can.” he looks back at Soap, “you? What did you do before?”
Soap chuckles bitterly, “ah, I was spendin’ my newly civvi life indulging in only the greatest of pleasures. Like sittin’ in an office for nine hours a day, or knittin’ a scarf on my therapist’s orders.”
Simon’s shoulders shake with a badly hidden laugh, “I’d like to see you knit.”
Soap grins, “oh I was a natural. It definitely didn’t have several holes by the time I was done.”
“How did you get here, then?” Simon asks, mirth still creasing his eyes.
His smile drops, words dying on his tongue, “I uh…” that weeks-old shame starts creeping back in, “was about to be evicted. Got fired, bastards never liked me anyway. I jus’ took all of my money and… ran as far as I could.”
Simon hums, shoulder leaning in to nudge his. Soap thinks the conversation is over after a few moments of silence, the both of them mauling over the words, when Simon surprises him.
“Think I’d like that… running away.” he murmurs.
“Aye? Where would ye go?”
“Don’t know. Don’t think it matters.” Simon leans in closer, their foreheads almost touching, “as long as the company is good.”
Soap feels a shiver go down his spine, eyes wide as he tries to find the joke that must be in Simon’s.
But he looks so painfully sincere, even when he finally leans away, “too bad there’s none ‘ere. Might ask Laswell if she got any tips on finding partners in crime.”
Soap lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, “think they make dating apps for fuckers like ye?”
“Doubt I’ll find anyone as mental as you on Tinder, Johnny.” Simon deadpans.
“That’s because yer looking in the wrong place - Christian Mingle is where the real crazy bastards are.”
Simon can’t hold in his laugh this time, and for the first time Soap hears the way he snorts a little when his giggles become uncontrollable. It’s a horribly endearing sound, one that he wants to hear for every day for the rest of his life.
It makes his heart hurt, heavy, sinking in his chest like a death sentence.
Gaz was right.
He’s in love with Simon Riley.
Gaz went back to get the vehicle he and Price infiled with. It had a laptop, a few maps, and the most wonderful MREs Soap ever had. He never thought he’d miss that shite, but after running on a handful of oranges and a possibly moldy sandwich, they tasted like heaven on earth.
As he and Ghost had their meal (Simon’s eyes sparkled in a way that told Soap he was clearly as delighted with the food as he was), the 141 finalized their plan with Laswell. Soap could see them arguing about something, but he was far too preoccupied with eating to care at the moment.
Ghost, however, did care, “need anything, Price?”
The Captain snaps his head up, taking off his hat and scratching at his hair, “we have an angle to breach, but…”
Gaz joins in, “We don’t have intel on how many guards are posted, their location… mission will be doomed from the start if we just go in guns blazing.”
“Why not do some recon, then?” Soap wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, “we’re all trained for that.”
“Too risky, the warehouse is exposed, and the Hunter won’t leave any obvious gaps in security if they’re worth their salt.” Price grunts.
Ghost gets up, walking over to the maps spread on the truck’s hood, “then we break in.”
Soap smirks at the assurance in his voice, “and that’s why I love the Ghost.”
He instantly catches the knowing expression on Gaz’s face, as well as Simon stiffening beside him. Soap curses himself mentally, feeling his face heat up in shame. He prays for any god that might listen, that Ghost didn’t take it as seriously as the truth is.
Thankfully, Price saves him from blurting out some more recently-discovered-emotions, “no other way but through, eh Simon? What do you have in mind?”
Ghost scans the maps of the warehouse Laswell has sent over, “The Hunter doesn’t know we’re working together, if they’re expecting an attack they would only expect two people - me and Johnny.” his eyes flicker to Soap’s for a brief moment, “if we split up, the 141 could take them by surprise.”
“You said they’re after you and John, Simon. If they catch you, we might not be able to help.” Price says grimly.
Ghost sighs, looking away frustrated. His head turns to face Soap, eyes calculating, “...what if they don’t know it’s us?”
“What?” Price asks.
Ghost continues, eyes still staring deeply into his, “Johnny can easily disguise himself, he’s done so before. All he needs is to cover up his face and hair.”
The Captain nods to Ghost, “and what about you, son? Everyone knows your mask.”
“But no one knows his face.” Soap answers, understanding washing over him, “but Simon-”
“I can’t be Ghost if we want to finish this.” Simon brushes fingers over the bone-white teeth of the skull mask, hand tightening into a fist.
Gaz nods slowly, “and we can’t be the 141.” he sends a meaningful look to the Captain, “this operation has to be kept secret. If the SAS learns we collaborated with the Ghost…”
“Then we won’t be.” Price walks to the back of the truck, pulling out 3 black balaclavas and throwing them to Soap and Gaz.
Price begins explaining their plan, “Laswell has gathered up a few blueprints of the Konservy warehouse. There are several key points that appear to be far too open for us to breach, all except one - the offloading garage. We’ll split into two teams, me and Gaz will take the offices and CCTV rooms, clearing the way for Soap and Ghost to infiltrate the main machinery room.”
“Our plan depends on each team watching the other’s six, we’ll have to keep comms up.” Gaz adds.
“Once the first team takes over the CCTV room, we will be able to locate the Hunter. The faster we do this, the less likely reinforcements will arrive.” Price hands Soap and Ghost a radio.
“Do we know where they keep their vehicles?” Soap asks while fitting the comms over his clothes.
“Yeah, should be around where we first enter. Why?” Gaz raises a brow towards him.
A wicked smile spreads on Soap’s lips, “might be able to set up a little surprise for any newcomers.”
Ghost chuckles darkly, “always ready to craft a trap, aren’t you, Johnny?”
“Never failed me before, Simon.”
“You can take a look at our supplies, take whatever you need.” Price looks over each of them, “any questions?”
Soap flexes his hands, adrenaline thrumming a familiar song through his veins, anger painting his vision red, “what are we waiting for?”
#call of duty modern warfare 2#cod mw2#cod soap#cod ghost#cod gaz#cod price#john soap mactavish#simon ghost riley#kyle gaz garrick#john price#kate laswell#BLOOD||HUNGER#ghostsoap#soapghost#ghoap#call of duty fic#call of duty fanfic#call of duty modern warfare#cod fic#cod fanfic#gaz saying what we all think... finally someone notices#also taking some dialogue from the pre prison break cutscene dont mind me#im very excited to write the final battle i want it to be epic >:D#also this took a while bc i had to think of the plan and i always overthink shit when they make plans#like the thing with the informent: i searched for like an hour codes to cypher his message#only to realize... laswell would probably decode it before sending it to price and the gang......
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I'm just going to say it, I find it absolutely disgusting that Alex is doing this. Everyone can say he didn't have a choice, yeah the fuck he does. He has a choice, don't say he doesn't. He could own up and say no, I fucked up Logan should drive but instead his sitting back and watching Logan kill himself at a chance to prove himself while he knows that if he fucks up, it's okay he'll just drive Logan's car. I hope he gets a DNF or wrecks (with no injuries) and watch them burn for this
No, you are absolutely right and real for this and I agree wholeheartedly.
They ALL had a choice except Logan. What was he gonna do? Refuse?! Do you think that option was even presented at the table? No, I don't think so. This was his chance - and even if he finished outside of the points (or not at all) it would still help him gain some experience - and all that so called faith and support was taken away from him in a single move. What was the point of signing him if you're not going to let him drive? How do they think their driver feels now? Like he's not good enough. Like he doesn't have what it takes. Like you don't treat him as someone capable.
While I understand the decision, I REFUSE to comprehend it. I've been stomping and fuming around all day, the situation making me so mad that I haven't been able to shut up about it. It is so unbelievable and it came from the team I LEAST expected it to come from.
Alex should've set an example as an older and experienced teammate and owned up to it. Deeply disappointed in him. He should bear the punishment of crashing his car. Not his teammate. They really made it look like they treat Logan's car as a spare in case something happens to Alex's. I am so spiteful that I hope this backfires on them big time and bites them in the ass in the long run.
#I can't believe that the first topic I'm so VOCAL about is about Logan but here we are#I had to take breaks while writing this cause I could feel rage consuming me again#And if I start praying for Williams' downfall what then#logan sargeant#alex albon#williams racing#williams f1#james vowles#australian gp 2024
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Both puppy and werewolf soap are the type to be so horny they fuck you sore to the point you need to ice your pussy. They of course, want to be good boys and help, so they hold the ice pack for your still-pleasure-wrecked mind, only to get horny thinking about the fact that the ice pack is right against your pussy, so they grind it against you until to cum again, while they whine and whimper and beg to see it just one more time.
Definitely licks your cum off it too.
-🐶
anon, you are so right, as always. they’re horny disasters, but they’re your horny disasters. they’re hardwired to want to make you cum as many times as possibles because they simply want to be good boys. they also love the way you sound and feel when you cum around their cocks. it’s hard for them to differentiate your whimpers of pelasure and whinpers of pain when everything starts to fee too much but eventually you’re able to push them off.
you have to assure them that yes they did a good job and made you feel good but maybe a little too good. they hold the ice pack against your cunt and its still so slick and it smells so good they can’t help themselves when they start to move it against your clit. they just want to watch your pussy cum again :( and as your body shakes from overstimulation they lap up your cum being the helpful good boys they are.
#🐶 anon#puppy simon#i love soap but i haven’t really been compelled to write any reader stuff with him#idk what it is but i’m really only interested in writing him with simon#and sorry anon i let this sit in my inbox for a while bc last night i had a little moment lol#i should probably take a break from this blog but i’ll miss my 🐶 anon too much :(((
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don’t have the energy to rewrite my thoughts here on tumblr but these past couple weeks have been so rough and it’s really hard to talk about my feelings on everything but also really hard to not talk about.
i know i’m just like a random blog on tumblr but it feels important to share my feelings. zionism does not hold up under scrutiny or critical thinking which is why it’s so important to educate yourself, even if it’s hard even if it’s uncomfortable. knowledge is power and being informed is a key tool againist oppression
#i have a lot a LOT more i keep trying to write down and it’s so hard to get my thoughts in order#figured it’s better to get some of them out than nothing at all#but it’s hard to explain how it feels like every day every hour my heart is breaking#so much grief for the palestinian people while also feeling so much grief for like my own humanity???#like feeling so taken advantage of by zionism#to have had my idealism and hope held hostage in the wha that it was#and when i talk about indoctrination i do not use that term lightly#like i’m talking courses in high school the idf coming and taking to our middle schools#telling 12 years olds that to believe in something is to be willing to die for it and nothing less#etcetera etcetera#perbsonal#palestine#zionism#anti zionism#jews for palestine
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HELLO. I AM HERE TO TALK ABOUT KROMER/CANTO 3
kromie is one of my Favorite characters Of All Time and if i see one more person horribly misinterpret her & her story & her motivations i am for real going to distort
FIRST AND FOREMOST
CANTO 3 ISN'T ABOUT ABLEISM
(it's not about racism either. she's not "cyborg racist". god damn it.)
canto 3 is about
religious extremism & societal pressure
PROSTHETICS IN THE CITY ≠ DISABILITY
prosthetics in the pm world are pretty obviously NOT the same as prosthetics in our world, and using them to point towards kromer being ableist is one of the weakest arguments i have ever seen in my entire life. give me ONE piece of evidence of kromer being ableist that doesn't mention prosthetics i fucking dare you
look at that. it's not about needing a missing arm replaced, or legs that you can walk on; it's about doing away with all of the inefficiencies of a flesh and blood body. you can get so much more work done if you don't need to eat or sleep!
unfortunately, there are many ways to be ableist and if she truly was, to the point where it was an important part of her character with an entire canto centered around it (like hating pm-prosthetics is), then i feel like maybe
just maybe
she would express this in other ways
that don’t involve slaughtering people that just happen to be made of metal.
just a thought.
which brings me to my next point
Prosthetics in the City are about class and money and the societal pressure i mentioned earlier
UNNECESSARY PRESSURE TO CONFORM TO THE AESTHETIC
WORTHLESS SURGERIES THAT POOR PEOPLE CAN’T AFFORD AND YET FEEL THE NEED TO GET ANYWAY
SINCLAIR’S BODILY AUTONOMY BEING STRIPPED AWAY FROM HIM SO THAT HE MATCHES HIS FAMILY
sinclair's family even turned their DOG into a robot for god's sake
it's a fad! it's cool to turn yourself into a robot! it's the new thing everyone is doing, so now you have to do it too to fit in with everyone else! even sinclair himself acknowledges this when talking about his family
also adding a ruina screenshot from this post i saw a while ago that i think you all should read
was hesitant to include it because i wanted to make my point without dragging ruina into this, to prove that you don't NEED the context from ruina to understand kromer's beliefs and motivations, but like. look at this. what the fuck.
"adjust emotions" "completely shut off desires" look me in the eyes and tell me this has ANYTHING to do with disability. i dare you. this is some rich people shit
prosthetics are a LUXURY for some, and a TOOL for others; something for rich people to enjoy, and for poor people to either get a shitty version of, or to sell their soul to afford, so that they can survive in the capitalist's dream world! kind of reminds me of cars, actually
(the extra info abt prosthetics from ruina helps, but as someone who has mostly only played limbus & doesn’t have the full context of the other games, it’s obvious even to me that they're not a disability thing)
in conclusion;
kromer is not ableist
she just really really really likes flesh and is super weird about it
to paraphrase/add to something someone said in that post i linked earlier: the district has an "ideal form" for the human body, and kromer has an "ideal form" for the human body, but these "ideal forms" are not the same
she prefers the human body the way it is, and when she sees this "ideal form" that's like the exact opposite of HER "ideal form" starting to take over, she resorts to being a violent bloodthirsty cult leader about it because she sucks ass and is incapable of being normal
she is a bad person and you are allowed to hate her ofc but please for the love of god hate her for something she’s actually done. stop making shit up
#just like my earlier post about dante my thoughts are very jumbled and disorganized#and i wrote this out of order and then pieced it all together in a way that i hope makes sense#so if the pacing or the order things are written or whatever seems weird that's why#limbus company#project moon#long post#myth posts#i've had this rant rattling around in my brain for a while but i'm only writing & posting it now because i've reached the#''too many people are misinterpreting my fav'' breaking point. i can't take this anymore. augh#kromie i'm so sorry people are misinterpreting you like this. get behind me i'll protect you
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an uncle nina check in <3
hi team! thanks for sticking around! i know my blog isn't always the most exciting and enriching place in the world in terms of content, but i am very /content/ to have you all here. <3333
i promise, oddly enough, i have A TON of inspiration and ideas for all my weird styles ( if you're curious about anything please lmk! i've been trying to flesh out my aus out lately ), i've just been in a major bummer depression era lately, so it's hard for me to get my asks done and i'm having a hard time committing to finishing my writing. :<
i think it's because of stress and my bipolar, but i am trying to get back on the horse! ( are we all laughing at the idea of me trying to get on a horse? i'd start crying help city girl fail moment for me ) yeehaw!
and while, unfortunately due to the instability ( fabulous legendary iconery ) of my pretty girl popstar personality, i do not know whether i will be answering almost no questions or one million, regardless of that, i just wanted to let you know, i'm still here, still kicking my feet, twirling my hair, cooking...i'm just really trying not to force myself to put out anything i don't like...and only do what makes me truly happy.
however, nothing, my dear sweet e-darlings...
makes me happier than coming home to all of you. <333
so thank you for flooding even the darkest corners of my life with bright light, supporting my phantom fics and being wonderful,
uncle nina xx
#nina speaks#hi my loves#idk what the point of this was#i just know my blog is really inconsistent and i know i dont really post anything or anything that useful#but i wanted you to know that i love you very much and i still care a lot about all of you and all my content actually#which i have been fleshing out in notebooks and google docs i've been doing lots of world building and character study#so feel free to ask me something challenging about any part of my nina sp auniverse that interests u itll make my brain work#i've also been taking very silly but dilligent notes abt what ravesey style looks like for ter so if u want to laff at those u can#i just love taking notes on detail and understanding exactly what characters look like or what settings appear like idk#might be some experimental writing on here i like doing different mediums like i was being silly#and started writing a netflix trailer for rm haha i also have been doing weird personality tests and questionnaires#i've been trying to think very deeply about tkak and my tfbw styles if u have any questions there and am deep plotting rm#trying to be impactful while also keeping things fun and learning to enjoy myself again i suppose#so again thakn u for being here sorry its weird on here but thank u for supporting me as i learn and grow my sunshines#also ik i have a ton of asks and uve already asked me so many things so never feel inclined to message me#but i love hearing what ur curious about hopefully i can answer some stuff eventually but again im on a break#i'm here but i'm not this is a safe place we try and fail we have fun and promote style world domination thru my weird styles#ilysm i'm shutting up now i promise i'm still here i'm just trying to be healthy and happy esp rn when i am not emotionally well#gotta protect my peace and my vibe palace but im still here!#MWAH MWAH MWAAAAAH#really trying to heal my inner child or like the girl in me that liked to write silly stories and create crazy things#weird hcs big dramatic plots silly stuff...i want to honor that girl because she was happy and free and had fun#and i want to do that again so lets have fun guys#no judgement no seriousness just good vibes and good reads#welcome to the uncle nina learns to laugh again arc#i hope you enjoy it
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ALSO when im re reading fics i wrote i explode when i notice i repeated the same phrase over and over and over again kfdlsjfklsd. why did i say a variation of "left as quickly as it came" three times in this one fic that im not even halfway through rereading.... #girl get new words
#oughghghgghghhghg#taking a break from python to transfer my fic notes from my sketchbook onto google doc in one spot and to just plan the next parts out#rereading some of my older jamiazu fics for brain assist but. skfjdsklfjks#meet me in the middle has some similar story elements that i was maybe going to borrow from#and overall i like that fic but god why do i repeat myself so much LOL AUGHHH#i also started that trey/cater fic a lil bit ago but that might take me a while to write bc#oughh i care them so much i NEED it to come out decently#anyway um. brainstorming a lil to get it out of my system then back to studying python and ougghgh applying 4 jobbies#i almost had a new portfolio piece ready#but then when my partner went to pull my changes to implement with his new code#uhhh he did some mistakes and he lost a ton of his recent work.............#so like my stuff is fine. but the code he wrote to implement that was just gonna take a few min is gone#so he has to mourn the loss of his work and then rewrite it and i dont wanna pressure him#but houghhghgh i was ready to record and upload it#actually i kinda can cheat it since im just demoing the effects#but it would probs look better with what he made specifically for it?#idk we'll see
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"The Legend of Zenitsu" Arcs
When I first read the final chapter of Kimetsu no Yaiba I had mixed feelings about the saccharine modern day epilogue, but one detail I loved was the inclusion of “Zenitsu-den” (The Legend of Zenitsu), for although it was kind of funny that he’d make himself the focal hero, it was touching that he’d be the one to think to record everything that the Demon Slayer Corp together accomplished. Zenitsu always spent so much time in his head mulling over things that he’s nice to see him give form to his thoughts. It was bittersweet that they live in a time so peaceful that his own great-granddaughter would think everything about demons was entirely made-up, and if Yoshiteru was heavily implied to be a reincarnation (though this was never stated), it was nice to see him being proud of himself, in a roundabout way.
But then the second fanbook came out about eight months later with a rather unsavory version of Zenitsu writing his magnum opus. We see through Tanjiro’s assessment that as opposed to being a thoughtful chronicle of the battles the Corp underwent, it’s a collection of cringe self-insert fic and not even written in a way that makes sense. I was very disappointed by this, but as time went on I came to embrace it; the boy likes his indulgent escapism and he writes 79 volumes of this over the course of his life. Let him have his fun; one way or another I’m sure he was manly for his wife after getting a verbal slap in the face from his future brother-in-law.
Well over a year later, we got a little extra information about the contents of “Zenitsu-den” at the Gotouge exhibition, including titles for the story’s 25 arcs, which I have to assume were written over the course of Zenitsu’s life. Here’s the thing: “Zenitsu-den” is not a historic record or indulgent fantasy, it’s both.
“Zenitsu-den” is described as absurdity with events that don’t even fall in chronological order; but its swordplay and descriptions of demons are masterfully vivid and its developments may sometimes keep you on the edge of your seat. On the other hand, many sections are clearly lacking in explanation, and the author doesn’t even keep track of all the details or side character names. Speaking of the side characters, it’s said that the characters whom he depicts as the ugliest (men who are close to Nezuko who he resents for this) are actually handsome in real life, whereas the author depicts himself as a slim but tough man, but is said to be a chubby sweet tooth in real life who has trouble growing facial hair. His wife Nezuko is described down to the very number of her eyelashes. We know from Tanjiro’s comments in the Fanbook #2 comic that Zenitsu took seven pages each to describe himself and Nezuko (including adding somewhere that he, Zenitsu, is 2.7 meters tall), whereas other characters were lucky to get maybe two lines of messy introduction. While the author claims everything in the story in true, it’s almost entirely flights of fancy, and it takes a lot of dedication to read the whole thing and make any sense of it.
(Side note: It’s not clear if “Zenitsu-den” was ever published or if the only copy of each of the 79 volumes remains Agatsuma family property. What we do know that Zenitsu made his own illustrations, and the realistic paintings which his wife modeled for were things that people repeatedly offered him money for. He was known to have screamed “WHO WOULD SELL THEIR OWN WIFE” as his pants ripped apart at the butt because he was so worked up. Really unnecessary detail, but this is the Taisho Secret our favorite alligator chose to share.)
As for when Zenitsu began writing, it was sometime after settling into the Kamado household. The impetus was Tanjiro giving him a stern warning to stop doing shameless things like pretending he’s in pain so that Nezuko will rub his legs for him (and therefore stop paying attention to Inosuke). Tanjiro seems to interpret this as Zenitsu diving into his own fantasies after having been scolded. Even if Zenitsu might had been a bit upset with Tanjiro at first, Tanjiro is nonetheless the person whom he is most eager to show his writings to. In presumably a short time, he’s written a lot.
If we assume Zenitsu never edits and just wrote everything in the order of the arcs, then based on the content Tanjiro encountered with demon!Inosuke and Princess!Nezuko (and thief Sanemi somewhere or other, which I must assume is due to Zenitsu cheesed off about Sanemi sneaking into their home and leaving presents), then we can assume he already wrote the following arcs, though I’m more included to believe he inserted later writings into earlier parts of the story order.
The Birth of Zenitsu Arc
The Demon Slaying Arc ~Fated Encounters~
The Heavenly Maiden Arc ~I Am Willing To Die For You~
The Tastiness of Nezuko-chan’s Cooking Arc
Warring States Nezuko-hime Arc
The Life of the Man Who Loved The Spirit of the Plum Tree Arc
Zenitsu the Ninja Arc ~Love Like A Flash of Lightning~
Battling the Boar ~The Leaves of Darkness Flutter~
That’s… a lot. Like, over a third of the arcs.
Not that we know how long these arcs are, but if Demon!Inosuke is the boar they face in that arc, then Tanjiro was put through a lot of reading. That story didn't even have "Arc" in the title. Then again, it’s just as likely that this Boar was simply the leader of the terrible boars whom trouble tanuki!Nezuko. Anyway, the arc dedicated to Nezuko’s cooking seems truly inspired.
To go back to that “Spirit of the Plum Tree,” this reminds of a certain god of scholarship who is also a vengeful lightning god. It’s said that when Sugawara-no-Michizane was banished from the Heian capital, the spirit of the plum tree which he loved from his garden flew to his side in exile. I get the feeling that a lot of Zenitsu’s writings are self-inserts for himself and Nezuko in other stories he liked; Sengoku/Warring States and Ninja stories would had been popular fiction Zenitsu had grown up around, and there’s no end to folk tales of Tennyo/heavenly maidens. Also, the spirit of the plum tree is the example of how beautiful his illustrations are when his wife served as the model.
What with those first two arcs having relatively grounded topics, I have to wonder if Zenitsu started with realism in mind and then got flying off the handle. After all, fighting demons was a pretty big deal in his real life and his descriptions of demons were said to be remarkable, so I’d like to think that volume in particular was more grounded in true events than others (I suspect Yoshiteru was (re)reading this volume, or he had finally made it to the end of Volume 79 when Touko kicked him in the back). And, since there is a lot of sad content in that arc, it’s like he buried that second arc in all the more fanciful, triumphant arcs that came after it. Then again, if these writings are Zenitsu’s coping mechanism for a life that never usually went well for him, then it’s just as likely the circumstances of his birth were of godlike nature as opposed to the sad, short story of an abandoned baby with no name. Anyway, Zenitsu kept writing:
Beautiful Swordswoman Nezuko Arc
The Golden Dragon Wandering Alone Arc ~Go And Rescue Nezuko!~
Botamochi from Zenitsu Arc
If we assume the content is similar to how Zenitsu twists real life people and events to make himself look better… I really wish I knew the context for that Botamochi one. Botamochi is another word for Ohagi. Somehow, this chapter is inspired by Sanemi. Is this where he takes in the thief persona, sneaking in and taking Zenitsu’s sweet snacks instead of leaving them? Or, if it implies someone presented ohagi, is this a story about Giyuu and Zenitsu hijacked it??
As for that Golden Dragon, is this a reflection of all those solo missions he went on, separated from Nezuko? Or was there any period of separation in real life? It’s always been a headcanon of mine that Zenitsu moved out of the Kamado house first to set up a nice place for his wife to live before they were married, so maybe in a period like that, however short? Or did he write that whole arc while she was on a visit to the Butterfly Mansion?
Also, is Zenitsu giving us the reverse AU we all dreamed of for Nezuko? I love and adore that he gives her a chance to be badass in these stories too. Speaking of being badass, Zenitsu seems to have some idea what he was like when he was asleep, as perhaps reflected in the next arc. Maybe this one was truer than he knew:
Rumble of the Knock-Out Secret Swordsmanship of Zenitsu Arc ~The Legendary Man’s Eyes Shine With Light~
And while he’s thinking back to other experiences in his demon slaying years…
The Potato Feudal Lord Arc
Wasshoi!! Rengoku-san, is that you!?!? And does the following have any Pillar influence too?
Little Mouse-Boy Zenitsu Arc
…nahhh. Speaking of Pillars, though, Tanjiro pointed out in the earlier arcs that Zenitsu was already the Thunder Pillar, though he didn’t particularly do anything cool to earn that title. We have no idea how old Zenitsu is by the time he’s writing these middle arcs, or what amusements he sought while having to navigate life as an adult, as presumably as the head of a family. He might had wanted to go back to being babied a little.
The Dragon Palace Arc ~Eternal Nezuko~
Reference to Urashima Tarou and his time spent with Otohime at the underwater palace.
Sitting In A Happy Circle and Boiling Tea in Our Bellybuttons Arc
I chose to literally translate this idiom for "doing something ridiculous." Since the Thunder God is known to steal bellybuttons, I wanted to keep the reference there.
The Future Holds Zenitsu Arc
Are you embracing adulthood, Zenitsu-kun?? Alternate translation ignoring the implied idiom in favor of being more literal, “Zenitsu Just Up Ahead Arc.”
Pianist Zenitsu Arc ~Nezuko Like Raindrops Dripping from the Eaves~
Please tell me he was a pianist in real life. Please pretty please.
Also, it's purely headcanon, but I want to think Yushiro found himself reading this one day and enjoying it before it occurs to him who wrote it and who these characters are and he feels disgusted by Zenitsu out-simping him.
The Gods’ Shrine Maiden Nezuko Arc
She really gets to try everything, doesn’t she.
Zenitsu Makes A Fortune in A Single Stroke, Wahaha! Arc
Wishful thinking? A spin on the truth of his youth?
Life or Death Struggle! Zenitsu the God Arc
Is this where he writes about the battle with Kaigaku? Or is this just a setting in which to bring back Miko!Nezuko?
Big Romance☆Glittery Zenitsu Arc
It has no canon basis, but I like to headcanon that around the 1970’s, Zenitsu takes Nezuko to Paris as a sweeping romantic gesture and takes photos of her the whole time. It is now my headcanon that Zenitsu wrote about himself glittering in Paris, being the best romantic partner ever. We’re winding down to the final arcs, though, Zenitsu’s got to be getting old by the time he wrote this one…
Master Zenitsu Arc ~The Appearance of a Great Teacher~
We know from Fanbook #2 that the modern day kids know Breath Technique, as they were preserved by performing them once a year at a shrine. This means Zenitsu satisfactorily taught Thunder Breathing to a successor. As many of his writings turn real life situations around from making him look bad to making him look good, I have to wonder if he was covering up his shame at being unable to pass on all the techniques Kuwajima taught him, or if he reached a point where he felt truly satisfied with having made a good teacher of the Thunder technique.
And speaking of getting up in years…
I Will Be In Love With You A Thousand Years Arc ~Again, Even If We Are Reborn~
This is the part when I cried out. You guys.
NEZUKO DIED FIRST.
Like, I already had that guess, if we interpret Touko and Yoshiteru as their reincarnations. I’m glad that was never expressly stated even if it was heavily implied, because there’s nothing nice about former lovers being reborn as siblings, especially bickering ones. But, with Yoshiteru being so close in age to Touko, this implies that Zenitsu might had stuck around long enough to meet baby Touko before passing on to join her, whatever form that might take.
Great-Grandpa Zenitsu wasn’t done writing yet, though. After Nezuko passed on, it seems he finally found it was time to write the last arc, of unknown length…
The Life of Happiness Arc ~With Everything Based On The Truth~
………………………………..ausdtiatdiyagsdfyuATsdyguydfautsdfxduASDsfahtdFUASygDJHASDGyaGDSilU
You guys
I can’t
It’s just
HNNNNNGGGHHHHHH
#The Legend of Zenitsu#ZenNezu#Agatsuma Zenitsu#Kamado Nezuko#Zenitsu x Nezuko#KnY Fandom Theories and Meta#I had to take a break while writing this to make a cute ZenNezu doodle because I just couldn't handle it
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(TW) A very overly personal discussion of Mulder’s suicidality in Redux
Despite Mulder ending up faking his suicide, I immediately picked up on the implication that he was close to killing himself before the phone rang.
(Side note, but I’m virulently opposed to how they used this for shock value. Suicide should not be written as a cliffhanger. It is a serious issue that ruins lives, my family’s included, and not a writing device.)
Anyway, I don’t think this attempt is in character for Mulder.
Namely, he would never do that to Scully. A huge part of the reason he’s distressed at all is because he feels responsible for Scully dying. If he killed himself, Scully would know that, and would subsequently blame herself. He would effectively be making her feel responsible for his death in the way that he feels responsible for hers. Maybe I’m biased by my experiences, but he has to know that he’d be hurting her more if he did this. That’s why I was so relieved to discover that there was never a moment that Scully thought he did kill himself, because I know the horrifying emotions she would be experiencing in that position. This storyline reminded me of what it’s like to experience those emotions. It also made me think about what the people I love feel when they are suicidal, which in itself was distressing.
I’m aware that this is a very sensitive topic, and I hope this doesn’t come across badly. I know (from my own personal experience) that when one is in such a state, one doesn’t have the capacity to think of other people. I am by no means blaming Mulder, or anyone else who deals with mental illness as I do, for its effects on others. Mental illness is not a choice, and therefore can’t be blameworthy. Neither can one rationalise with mental illness, because it doesn’t make sense, so I’m not going to try.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that from Mulder’s entire characterisation so far, his love for Scully transcends everything. He has proven time and time again that he cares about her more than he cares about himself. I don’t think he would risk putting her in a position where she could feel any guilt for his death, when such guilt is literally why he wants to die. She is dying already. He wouldn’t want to infuse her last moments with guilt in that way.
I don’t deny the fact that Mulder’s entire life has been turned on its head, and that’s had a huge impact on his mental state. I’ve written about this in other posts, but the strategies he developed to cope with his trauma and grief have suddenly been taken away from him. On top of this, the fact that he indulged in those coping strategies for so long has fatally harmed the person he loves most. It would be enough to make anyone feel this way.
I know firsthand what it’s like to hold yourself responsible for someone else’s life, what it feels like to believe that you are killing somebody. I can’t begin to describe how awful it is. To this day, I feel so guilty about not being able to fix other people’s struggles that it drives me to some very, very dark places to try and reverse the roles. So trust me, I understand where Mulder is coming from, and this episode is yet another way he is an extremely relatable character to me.
Perhaps I am being contrived for the sake of relating to Mulder, perhaps I am in denial. It’s hard to say. Overall, as a fandom, I think we need to treat all interpretations of this scene with respect - particularly because it’s such a difficult subject for so many of us.
Sorry, that was very self-indulgent. I just needed to write my thoughts out in order to be able to continue to enjoy the show that has brought me so much joy.
I’ve already started watching Redux II, and it has helped me so much! Mulder had found a productive way to help Scully, one that isn’t self-destructive. That’s what I aspire to achieve on my healing journey. He was also so happy to see Scully when he visited her in hospital, which made me emotional. He’s decided to savour the time he has left with her instead, because being present for the people you love is the most important thing, even if you can’t save them.
I’m so, so grateful for The X-Files. Not long ago, I wouldn’t have been able to watch the show because of this. Instead, the inclusion of this plot line has enabled me to challenge my biggest trigger, and rewarded me with the continued enjoyment of something I love with my whole heart. Recovery is possible, and this has shown me that I’m now one step closer!
#I had a whole breakthrough with my mental health while writing this post lmao#had to take a quick break to write an email to my therapist#tw suicide#tw discussion of suicide#whoops I trauma dumped again#pip watches txf for the first time and goes insane#5x01#redux#the x-files
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in news from grad life, my supervisor asked me about phd plans today and upon hearing i want to take a few years to do various non-academic things before i start one, immediately produced an application form for a scholarship to study abroad in iceland for a year? like this was not remotely on the radar of what i was planning for next year but tbf i hadn't actually planned that much, and i was initially looking at a master's programme in iceland before i settled on the one i've actually ended up on, so... why not! could be living in iceland this time next year! sometimes niche, half-buried teenage dreams do come true!
#it is a scholarship to study the first year of the BA in icelandic as a second language#and i think after that year you can choose whether to reapply for the scholarship and keep going with the rest of the degree or not#i have other vague post-masters ideas such as enrolling in a 6ish month long creative writing course i've had an eye on for a while#but that is online and could theoretically be done alongside a uni course in icelandic#if anyone following me for whatever reason knows anything about being an international student in iceland i am eager for advice#spending my evening hyping myself up and going down study abroad research rabbit holes#15 y.o. magnus studying a beat-up second-hand icelandic grammar book on their school lunch breaks is thriving rn#oh i am also taking very *very* beginner's icelandic classes at uni alongside my master's this year but it's not certified/accredited#i don't even think the teacher is qualified i'm p sure they just enlisted the first icelandic man they found who happened to be in the city#rambles
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