#I don't know if it's genuine or if it's just my mind making things up when they might just be doing stuff they do normally
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Emergency request!
Yesterday evening the Aurora borealis was visible where I live, my family went to get a better view but I stayed home. Still, it was visible even from my backyard. But I missed it entirely because I had terrible diarrhea and vomited, and now I feel ugly, gross and unlucky.
The worst part was seeing texts of family and friends saying 'look outside' and 'it's amazing' sent five minutes after getting sick, and later when they got home no one asked if I was okay. The only solace I have is that if I'd gone with my fam I'd have probably shit myself.
Could I please request Shouto comforting me after having to miss something like that due to sickness? Something I "might never get to see again"? He's my comfort character.
If this doesn't qualify as an emergency I totally understand.
Aurora borealis - Shoto x Reader
A/N: I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult evening. It's understandable to feel disappointed, but please know that missing the aurora borealis doesn't make you any less lucky or worthy. Your health and well-being are the most important things. If it's any consolation, I'm sure there will always be more opportunities to witness the beauty of nature ♥
EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST
Shoto sat on the edge of your bed, concern etched into his features as he watched you curled up under the blankets.
Your face was drawn with exhaustion and frustration, the events of the evening clearly weighing heavily on your mind.
He reached out a gentle hand, resting it on your shoulder. "Hey," he said softly, his voice a soothing presence in the quiet room. "Are you feeling any better?"
You glanced up at him, the faintest hint of tears glistening in your eyes. "It was supposed to be so beautiful," you murmured, your voice tinged with disappointment. "I've always wanted to see it, and now I might never get the chance again. And no, my tummy still hurts."
Shoto's heart ached at the sadness in your voice. He knew how much you had been looking forward to witnessing the natural wonder, and it pained him to see you feeling so downcast. But he also knew that there were more important things than seeing a celestial display. "What matters most right now is that you take care of yourself."
You sighed, leaning into his touch as he wrapped an arm around you, pulling you close. "I just feel so… ugly and gross," you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper as a single tear rolled down your reddened cheek. "I feel so unlucky," you confessed, your voice tinged with sadness.
Shoto's grip tightened ever so slightly, his warmth a comforting presence against your skin. "You're not ugly or gross, baby," he said firmly, placing a kiss to your temple. "You're human, and sometimes our bodies don't cooperate the way we want them to. It's okay to feel disappointed, but please don't be so hard on yourself." Shoto's hand gently brushed against your hair, his touch soothing. "As I said, your health comes first, always."
You sniffled, a tear slipping down your cheek as you leaned into Shoto's embrace. "Thank you," you whispered, your voice choked with emotion. "You're the best boyfriend."
He pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead, his lips warm against your skin. "Anytime," he murmured, his voice a soothing melody in the quiet room.
After leaving your shared bedroom where you were resting, Shoto's mind raced as he thought of a way to bring the beauty of the Aurora borealis to you, even though you couldn't witness it in person.
Remembering Denki Kaminari, your common friend from U.A. times, was a streamer, he quickly reached out to him. Shoto pulled out his phone and dialed Denki's number. After a few rings, Denki finally answered.
"Hey, Todoroki! What's up?" Denki's cheerful voice came through the line.
"Hey, Denki. I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I have a favor to ask," Shoto replied, trying to keep his tone steady.
"Of course, man! What do you need?" Denki responded, sounding genuinely interested.
"Well, you see, the Aurora borealis is visible tonight, and… well, my girlfriend is feeling really sick and couldn't come out to see it. And since you're frequently streaming on YouTube, I was wondering if you could stream it on your channel so she could watch it from home?" Shoto explained, feeling a bit awkward.
There was a brief pause on the other end of the line before Denki spoke again. "Wow, that sounds like a great idea! I'd be happy to help out! Let me jus finish my gameplay! Just give me a few minutes to set everything up, okay?"
Relief flooded through Shoto as he thanked Denki profusely. "Thank you so much, Kaminari. This means a lot to me and Y/N. I owe you one."
"No problem at all, Todoroki. Just glad I can help out. I'll let you know when the stream is up and running," Denki replied, his enthusiasm evident in his voice.
With a grateful smile, Shoto ended the call, feeling a weight lifted off his shoulders.
After some time, Todoroki returned to your shared bedroom with his laptop and a cup of freshly brewed mint. He passed you the cup and turned his computer on and navigated to YouTube.
"What are you doing, Shoto?" you asked, puzzled by his sudden actions as you slowly sat up, wrapping blanket around your shoulder, still feeling a little nauseous.
"Just wait and see," he replied with a small smile, his eyes focused on the screen.
Then, to your surprise, you saw Denki's stream pop up on the screen, the vivid colors of the Aurora borealis dancing across the display.
"Is that…?" you started, but Shoto cut you off with a nod.
"Yeah, it's Denki. He's streaming it live for you," he said softly, his eyes meeting yours with warmth and understanding. "I asked him if he could do that, and he agreed instantly. It's handy having a friend who's a YouTuber," Shoto chuckled softly.
As the night sky painted itself in shades of violet, teal, and emerald, the ethereal dance of the Aurora Borealis began. The camera panned slowly, capturing every mesmerizing movement of the celestial phenomenon. The colors shifted and swirled, creating intricate patterns that seemed to come alive before your eyes. As the stream continued, the intensity of the auroras seemed to grow, casting an enchanting glow over the landscape below. Trees swayed gently in the breeze, their branches silhouetted against the shifting colors of the sky. Occasionally, a shooting star streaked across the heavens, adding an extra touch of magic to the already mesmerizing scene.
The chat buzzed with excitement as viewers shared their awe and wonder at the natural spectacle, asking Kaminari for his opinion as well.
You couldn't believe it. The beauty of the phenomenon filled you with awe, and tears welled up in your eyes as you realized what Shoto had done for you. "Shoto, I don't know what to say," you whispered, overcome with emotion.
He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close. "You don't have to say anything," he murmured, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "I just wanted you to experience this, even if you couldn't be there in person. You mean everything to me, and I'll always go the extra mile to make you happy."
#emergency request#bnha x reader#shoto fluff#shoto todoroki x reader#shoto todoroki x you#mha fluff#todoroki shoto x reader#shoto todoroki#shoto fic#shoto x reader#todoroki shoto#shoto x you#shoto x y/n#mha fic#bnha fluff#todoroki shouto#shouto x reader#shouto todoroki#shouto fluff
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its 4 AM and im trying not to freak out, let me write something to see how I feel
Her eyes opened and closed repeatedly, slowly. The dim light coming from the window let her know that it was daytime, everything felt so fuzzy. What had happened? What time was it? Her arm reached to her side looking for something on her counter. Glasses? Phone? She didn't know for sure yet. Slowly she realized, this was not her room, it was clean, white walls with a brown carpet. She sat by the side of the bed, still not fully awake, feeling the soft carpet on her feet. It then came to her: She needed her glasses, and quickly reached for them again. A yawn overcame her and as her thoughts became clear, she noticed her surrounding. It was a very tidy bedroom, with horse decorations on the counter by the other side of the bed. Figurines and a small pony plushie sat by it. The half open closet door had a coat hanger with skirts and sweaters on it, barely visible coming out of it. She scratched her eyes under her glasses. Another yawn. It had been long since she felt so... Calm? Paying no mind to the apparently unfamiliar bedroom, she moved her feet around the sides of the bed, looking for any kind of footwear. She felt the rubber of a sole under the bed. Her crocs. Quickly she put it on with only her foot, while the other moved around looking for the pair. Another object touched her foot, a soft one, a slipper. Slightly bothered but too lazy to find each pair, she finally got up, opening the bedroom door. The morning sunlight blinding her for a second before her eyes adjusted to it. She could hear a faint noise not tol far away, the sound of someone talking, and the smell of food being prepared. Following it, she found the kitchen. The smell of grease from the fried eggs with bacon got to her nose and made her realize how hungry she was.
"Uh... Hello?" She muttered with a grumbly morning voice. Her head was still not wrapped around everything. It felt so comforable yet so alien. As if she had travelled to a different culture and was kindly taken in by some nice hosts.
"Oh did I wake you up? I'm so sorry, I shouldn't leave my phone so loud..." A woman in her 30s took notice of her. She was making breakfast while listening to the morning news on her phone, quickly grabbing it and turning off the livestream it was tuned to.
"Don't worry..." She muttered in response. She tried to take a closer look at the woman. She had curly reddish brown hair, small lips and a round nose. Her face was filled with freckles that were clearly visible despite her tan skin. What took some time to notice, though, was everything about her eyes. At first she thought she was seeing things, but upon looking more and more she could confirm. One eye blue, the other brown, both very bright. Even with her tired face one could see genuine happiness in them.
"Am I... Dreaming?"
"Aaw, you're still a little sleep groggy! Come here" The woman with bright eyes pulled a chair, inviting the other to sit down. As she did, the woman put a plate and silverware in front of her, with fried eggs and bacon.
"I think I don't usually have breakfast, but... Thank you" She tried to smile, but she was still confused. She had to ask.
"Is this really not a dream? I'm... not sure what to think"
"Oh, well... I can't say I do either, honestly" The woman responded. "If you don't like it I can make something else! I can go out and buy..." The woman suddenly appeared to be getting nervous.
"No, this is good, but... Where am I? I remember the circus..." Suddenly the woman held her hand.
"The circus is gone Pomni... I mean, Pam. Everything is fine now" It was all clear now. Pam. Pamela! She had escaped that horrible nightmare. This wasn't just some woman, it was her wife. Tears came to her eyes.
"Oh... You're right..." Pamela smiled a bit, feeling whole while taking one of the bacons to eat.
"I know it's our first day out of the hospital, I just wanted to make it special, you know? I don't like thinking you're having a bad first experience..." Annie tapped her fingertips on the table nervously.
"Rag... Annie... This is delicious, did you know that?" Pamela had a bigger smile on her face, a genuine one she couldn't have afforded for years.
"Look... I'm sorry, this is all so new to me... I just... Thank you..."
"Hey, it's all cause I love you!" Annie winked and did finger guns at Pamela's direction, waving them around in a "get it?" motion. Pamela giggled. They kissed.
"I've been wanting to do that for so long..." Pamela muttered close to Annie's lips, as they both smiled looking at each other passionately.
"We'll be doing that a lot, new stuff" Annie smiled as they kissed once more. Suddenly, Annie's phone vibrated on the kitchen counter, getting both of their attention. Annie picked it up, looking at the screen, a familiar number
"It's work stuff" She showed the phone screen to Pam, rolling her eyes, to which she giggled a bit.
"Hello?"
As Annie talked on the phone, her usual look of happiness faded. Whatever she heard shook her. She fell sitting on the floor, sliding down the side of the counter. Pamela jumped in to aid her wife.
"W-What happened?! What did they say?!" She questioned, anxious and scared. Maybe she did not want to hear the answer.
"A new adventure is about to begin! And what circus is complete without it's performers?!"
"w-what?"
"It's time to come back, Pomni! Your time out is on time out!!!"
Pamela looked behind her. No kitchen. No house. Just the monstrous, gigantic dentures and millions of eyes everywhere, looking at her. The mere sight of it was enough to make her dizzy. Looking closer, she realized she stood atop a giant pole, ready to jump into a tiny pool.
"Caine... What the..." As words couldn't leave her throat. Where was Annie? Pomni spun around trying to find her, only to lose her balance and fall.
She couldn't scream, for her lungs were filled with tears, and with a gurgling noise, she hit the floor next to her couch. A dream. There was no daylight. She remembered this place. Her run down apartment. All she could afford. Her clothes scattered on the bed, waiting to be folded. Paper bags from groceries she forgot to take out close to a full trash can. The living room illuminated by her phone, which she was watching videos on before falling asleep.
She was breathing heavily, her eyes jolting around, looking for danger anywhere, but still she was unable to move or turn around. Just shaking and moving her eyeballs. She bit her nails and scratched her cheeks. It was like second nature to her. She felt like crying, but was too scared to let her guard down.
That is, until she felt a hand touching her hair. It was clumsy, but still soft.
"Hmrr... Are you ok, Pam...?" A sleepy voice grumbled. Annie's voice, much to Pamela's surprise. As it slowly came back to her.
"I... Had a nightmare... About the circus again..." She said with teary eyes. Annie grumbled something she couldn't make out, before slowly pulling Pamela back to the couch, closer to her. She could feel Annie's soft skin and soothing smell. Her soft carressing on her hair. The safety and warmth of her embrace. Slowly but surely, she felt home.
#ck98art#ramble#fanfic#ragapom#tadc#the amazing digital circus#pomni#tadc pomni#ragatha#tadc ragatha#jesterdoll#buttomblossom#writing
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Hazbin Oc voiceclaims LETS GOO
Ok so I've been brewing a bit and have been kinda busy. I got one last exam coming up and then I'm FREEEEE but I wanted to push something simple out so I decided to do voice claims because that is somehow easy (not)
These are partially for the scott pilgrim au, it makes it a bit more immersive to me
Anywayyysss: Heres the video of the voices (it's 4.5 min I'm so sorry)
and if ur interested: let me break down whyyy :3 + small oc blip (I still don't really know how to chracterize them it's all over the place) they go in order of appearance
Micheal: Johnathan Groff
Micheal is pretty closed off and cold. His answers are cold and short, and he doesn't like wasting time. Working 24/7 is his way of ignoring everything bad that has ever happened to him, until recently. He's trying to go back to his roots and have some fun. B4, in Eden he was basically a fun loving party guy who liked to bend the rules, but since his brother's betrayal, he grew angry and to snuff it out he just worked super hard. Super straight laced. But after a while he's trying to be silly again, people find it weird though because it's just been so long.
Initially, I wanted something deep- like deep deep. And while true, Micheal could have a fitting deep voice-
I think Groff just fits really well. He hits all my boxes.
His voice is rich and smooth but has a bit of dorkiness to it?? (Kristoff) The closest thing I can go into describing my Micheal is, again, an ex frat boy that caught depression when things got too real but now is recovering and healing. Idk Groff's voice just gave the vibe. His voice is kinda similar to Jordan's (Lucifur's va) imo, especially when they sing. Of cousre they're not gonna sound identical, but its like Emily and Charlie, it's just similar when they sing. Also Groff can pull off a rocker voice (the Bohemian Rapsody clip) and I need that. I want that rocker Micheal FEAFSEF
In general though, Groff has been my #1 option. Not just for my Micheal, but like, a lot of Micheals I've seen. I look at them and all I can hear is Groff soooo. Yeah. I also think that if Micheal were to be part of the actual series and be Lucifur's twin he'd be the kinda guy they're looking for. But yeah, hes always been #1 choice
Gabriel: Chris Fleming/Jshlatt
Gabriel balances out Micheal's colder demeanor. He's loud and a bit obnoxious about. But overall, this man is a goober. He's a man that can't keep a secret and keeps it real, a bit too real this man is way too honest. Won't shut up once you get him going especially when he's excited. It's bad when he peaks at one emotion because he goes all out. Overtime he's gotten better but still out af.
I wanted Gabriel to have some sort of gruffness. Some edge. Gabriel's thing is spreading the word of God and all but I can't think of him having a smooth voice. (I mean he yells all the time, how can he not???) I wanted something expressive, loud and gruff. A voice that you know does not stfu and does not hold back.
Fleming came to mind when I head him from bigtop burger (love that series) his voice is fun, low and gruff. Jshlatt was recommended by one of my friends when I showed them Gabriel. I was pretty unfamiliar with him b4 and when they showed me him my jaw dropped. His voice is what I kinda want it to be, just a bit higher. And the singing voice fits really well too :)
Raphael: James Earl Jones/Thurl Ravenscroft/Nat King Cole
Raphael is supposed to be this chill soft guy you can go to for comfort. He's like a marshmallow of a man and can be very empathetic. But underneath all that is a unit of a man who could throw you thousands of yards away.
I wanted something rich, deep and smooth. I had to ask my friend again with this one and we got Mufasa (James Earl Jones) Fits really well! So yes, smooth and soft, but an underlying tone of powerful. I also wanted his to have just a lot of bass to it. Something you could sleep to. Why Nat King Cole for the last option? I genuinely have no clue but it fit to me so I slapped it on this bad boy.
Azreal/Dumah: Steve Blum
Ok. Both of them are idiots. My version of them anyways. They fight a lot. I mean when you are suck together it’s bound to happen (They share one body but only one can take full control at one time- mostly Azreal because Dumah hates people. I’ll just show you guys one day. They can separate but only when they are given permission. Big fussy babies). They finish each other’s sentences a lot when talking. Azreal is the goofier brother who likes making jokes and Dumah is the more serious one. When retrieving souls Azreal is the one who takes it while Dumah judges. Dumah hates when people joke while on the job (he hates Azreal for this this) but he hates it even more when they go against God's word. Azreal could give less of a crap, he just finds reaping super fun.
Blum fit for me after watching Puppycat seeing his role as space outlaw. It shows his ability to be goofy but his other roles consist of also very serious characters which fits Dumah and Azreal pretty well. Blum has this crazy rasp about thing going on (is that what it is?) it makes him stand out which fits for the angels that deal with the dead. Makes you very awake imo. Idk there’s just something about it. While Azreal and Dumah share the same voice, Azreal is higher than Dumah’s. What I mean by that is (when looking at the audio clip from the video) when Blum’s voice is generally higher, that’s Azreal. When it’s pitches lower that’s Dumah. Dumah in general doesn’t speak much unlike Azreal- they’re what comes to mind when people think of introvert and extrovert lol
Sadly I couldn't find a sining voice for him :(
Eve: Lisa Hannigan
To me, Eve holds a lot of motherly energy. She's soft and kind, but she actually holds similar feelings to Adam about sinners. Don't get me wrong, she feels bad for their eternal punishment, but in the end, it's on them. Like, if she was presented with the hotel, she'd comply but try to take over it becoming this overbearing presence that would put you in your place without lifing a finger if you didn't fird her standard. If she'd hear one complain shed be like, "i know it sucks but really, you did this to yourself." But besides that, to everyone else, she's kind. In heaven, she's recluse, only really going to Adam for anything. Her punishment on earth did something to her, and unlike Adam, she does not like seeking comfort from others. Shes subtle about it, but you can easily tell by the vibes she gives off - they are STRONG (Idk about this over all this may change)
I feel like this is kinda a given. Then again it could be just me. I wanted Eve to have this soft motherly vibe. Like her voice is just barely above a whisper sometimes, but is still kinda deep. Blue diamond came to mind like immediately. There were other options like Esmeralda’s VA, especially the one from the musical, but I wanted to give Eve this sense of solemn, sort of driftyness and chill. Ngl her character really resonates with blue diamond so it kinda just fell into place. It’s in contrast to Adam’s sharper and more gruff voice, where he can hit more highs, she hits more lows.
Eve is literally Adam’s other half (and while in my au they aren’t in love anymore or maybe they were never in love at all idk, they were definitely soulmates who loved each other dearly)
Again, notes on the floor and everywhere. They thoughts are always super scatterbrained
But yeah that’s pretty much it! If you guys have any recommendations or suggestions yourself feel free to tell me I am welcome to anything!!!
#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel michael#hazbin hotel raphael#hazbin hotel gabriel#hazbin hotel eve#hazbin hotel azrael#hazbin hotel dumah#hazbin hotel au#hazbin hotel ocs#voice claim#pls be kind im so bad at making ocs :')#i will get to that scott pilgrim au tho trust
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Hi hi! Fic prompt if you fancy it;
"I know you're used to doing this stuff alone but would it kill you to let someone actually help for once?"
With a bit of whump on the side?
Have a great day :)
Nonny, you definitely fueled my creativity with this, and I'm very grateful, thank you! So, it's not much, but as this was unexpectedly not the only prompt I received today, I thought I'm gonna make a short collection of all prompts resp. fics I'm doing for those prompts. That being said, I will probably use every prompt I've been gifted today, just not very quickly, and I appreciate your patience. So, for the first prompt, have this:
Love can only heal (1271 words, T, no warnings, below the cut and on AO3)!
— Don't be afraid to feel
Cause love can only heal —
"You know, I'm disappointed, Evan."
Buck doesn't fancy being a disappointment – yes, he's used to it, just not to hearing it from Tommy. Tommy, standing at the threshold to Buck’s loft, this look in his beautiful eyes. However, it looks more like concern; like honest, downright intimate care.
"D… disappointed?"
Buck is genuinely confused, but he’s also quite distracted. Tommy leans in the doorframe like a high school bully, he undoubtedly has the physical qualities of someone who won’t stop at hurting you with words. Then again, this is Tommy, and besides the somewhat worried gaze, his eyes are nothing but soft. That’s an extremely confusing charisma.
"Are you going to let me in or…?"
Tommy's fleeting gesture includes the hallway and the doors of Buck's neighbors, and for a second, another very contradictory feeling arouses. Buck doesn't want to disturb his neighbors, but he also wants the whole world to see Tommy. Tommy, who has kissed him and whom he has kissed (oh, and way more than that) and with whom he can imagine a host of new things, the most innocuous of which is to make up for the canceled dance at Maddie's crashed wedding reception.
Buck limps to the side and Tommy enters, and as always, his sheer presence seems to fill the loft. It's as if that wide open space shrinks to a minimum until there are only Tommy's eyes, still resting on Buck, but – thank goodness – anything but disapproving.
"If I had a penny for every time you broke your foot, Evan…"
"... you'd have two, which isn't much, but funny that it happened twice," Buck replies automatically, and now they're both grinning, and that's when he knows everything’s going to be okay. He just knows.
"It's not my fault, by the way," Buck adds, limping over to the couch and patting it cheekily for Tommy to sit down, "no one could have guessed that just as I was digging that puppy out of the rubble, there'd be a piece of ceiling coming down."
"Of course you'd rescue a puppy in a burning house that's almost collapsing," Tommy replies softly, and then he does that thing again.
He puts two fingers under Buck's chin, lifts it; Buck's heart beats hard in anticipation of a kiss, but no. Tommy's eyes strangely resemble Buck of the puppy he pulled out of a pile of debris, but there’s also something else in them... it's not really disappointment, it's more like... hurt.
"But I don't quite understand why I have to hear this from Maddie, Evan."
The way Tommy says Evan... if Buck didn't actually feel a little guilty – because now he knows what's going on, now he realizes – he'd probably pounce on the pilot for good. They’d make out on the couch, because that’s basically where Evan sleeps since the accident, and then… Tommy wait’s for an answer, that’s clear. If only Buck’s mind wasn’t so empty.
"I... uh…" Buck isn't particularly good at apologizing. He spent his whole life apologizing for existing, and it never helped.
"From Maddie," Tommy continues, "and not from my boyfriend."
Buck's face becomes as hot as that of a kid caught in the act.
"I just didn't want to..."
Everything Buck might say collapses in his mind like a ridiculous house of cards; the thoughts seem stupid to him. Perhaps that is simply his fate. Maybe he will never get away from being an eternal disappointment to everyone in his life.
"Evan," Tommy says, and there's something in his voice that makes Buck look up, "do you trust me?"
Buck's heart skips an extra beat. Does Tommy know he's repeating the exact words he said to Buck on their first night together? It opened up a whole new world for him. And only now does he really understand how far this goes. Being genuinely wanted. Loved, even, in a completely different way than he is used to.
"Yes," he simply replies, grasping Tommy's hands and holding them tightly, because this is something to hold on to.
"I know you're used to doing this stuff alone but would it kill you to let someone actually help for once?" asks Tommy, and it's still unbelievable that Tommywants to be that someone.
There’s an answer on the tip of Buck’s tongue, and he quickly swallows it. Because yes, sometimes even Evan Buckley can control himself. He could have said that he only broke his foot, that he can still walk (well, limp), that he doesn't need any help. He could refer to their often so different shifts making it hard to see each other more often, and there's Maddie and the rest of the crew to help out, but… That’s not what Tommy meant, and he knows it.
"I'm a lousy boyfriend, huh," Buck says with his crooked grin that defuses many situations, but Tommy immediately shakes his head.
"Evan Buckley, you're everything I want, get that in your thick skull," he says sternly, yet there's that glint in his eye, "and I don't want you to change, all right? I just want to, ugh..."
Tommy is adorable in his embarrassment, gesturing broadly, searching for words.
"I know," Buck says, and now there's probably something in his tone that makes Tommy sit up and take notice. Because he really knows what Tommy wants, and that's something that none of his previous partners ever actually wanted, not even Abby, at least not like this.
He wants to be a part of Buck's life, a real part, not a decoration, not a fleeting affair. Not an exciting party topic, or just the guy you call when you need a place to sleep. Tommy gives his all, he puts all his heart into this. So far, Buck had the most profound conversations with Tommy and, as strange as it sounds, the most profound sex. Above all, though, emotions deeper than anything he’s felt before. Truer than everything he’s felt before. Yes, Tommy gives his all, and that’s why Buck has to do the same.
His phone is lying on the floor in front of the sofa; in this life, Buck will never be tidy, but right now it is lying there very suitably. He takes it, and as he taps on it, he almost hears Tommy's frown.
"What are you doing, Evan?"
"Here," he replies and holds the mobile in Tommy's face. "From now on, you're the first, all right?"
Tommy once told him that he was a pretender for so many years. He’s had years of practice in turning his face into a mask, showing whatever those around him expected him to be, to feel. He doesn't do that anymore, and he knows that he doesn't need it with Buck, something that delights him greatly. And so it is not surprising that Tommy's facial expression quickly changes from irritation to something very, very soft. Well, a bit like a puppy after all.
"Are you sure?" he asks, his eyes seeking the same confirmation as his words.
His name is at the top of Buck's contact list, under emergency contact. Maybe that's only flattering for someone like Buck and Tommy, only understandable for people like them who risk their lives for others and so often fall by the wayside themselves. Tommy understands. He exhales a bated breath, and it sounds like a sweet sigh of relief.
"Very, very sure," Buck replies, and he doesn’t mean just this silly gesture, of course.
He means it all. He’s in it, he’ll give his all. And Tommy?
Tommy knows, and he smiles.
#writing#fanfiction#my fics#Buck/Tommy#Bucktommy#Buck x Tommy#evan buckley#tommy kinard#tevan#firepilot#tommy/buck
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Hazbin Hotel Shipping Meme
(Credit to SaucyMist on Twitter for the template.)
OTP
Angel Dust and Husk (Huskerdust) - My favourite Hazbin Hotel ship. A blorbo who's been abused finally finding a guy who genuinely cares for him, while both are also learning to overcome their mistakes and be better people? Yes, please!
Charlie and Vaggie (Chaggie) - They're just so cute together! And I enjoy seeing a grumpy cynic paired with a ray of sunshine.
Emily and Lute (Emilute) - They're both angels, but very different kinds. Emily would think she can fix Lute; Lute would think she can make Emily worse. Can Emily persuade Lute to change her mind about sinners through the Power of Love? I'd enjoy seeing her try!
Sir Pentious and Cherri Bomb (CherriSnake) - A classic enemies-to-lovers pairing that's really grown on me over time.
Lucifer and Lilith (Lucilith) - I'm interested to see more of them and to find out more about Lilith.
Cute
Charlie, Vaggie, Emily and Lute (Charlie's Angels) - Yeah, I want to put all my favourite ladies together and see what happens!
Secretly Ships
Alastor and Vox (StaricMoth) - How did they meet? Does Vox love Alastor, or is it just an obsession? Does Alastor hate Vox, or does he secretly miss him? There's fanfic potential there!
Vaggie and Lute (FallenWings) - I wonder if they dated briefly when Vaggie was still an Exorcist? I wonder if Lute was a little messed up after Vaggie's Fall? I wonder if Lute doubled down on her homophobia as a coping mechanism?
Molly and Cherri Bomb (MollyBomb) - I just think it would be funny if Cherri started dating her best friend's sister! Angel would find it weird at first, but he'd know he can trust Cherri to treat his twin sister right.
Sera and Lucifer (Lucera?) - The Head Seraphim and the King of Hell? What a pairing that would be! I like this ship because it would be interesting to see an alliance between Heaven and Hell, and to make Charlie and Emily stepsisters. That, and the extreme height difference between the towering Sera and the short king Lucifer would be hilarious.
Maybe? Neutral
Vox and Valentino (VoxVal), Vox and Velvette (VoxVel), Valentino and Velvette (ValVel), and Poly Vees - I do like VoxVal as a toxic messed-up villainous power couple. But I honestly find it hard to ship Valentino with anybody. And I don't know if Velvette is compatible romantically with either of those men.
Adam and Lute (Guitarspear) - I can't decide if I prefer Adam and Lute as a couple, Lute as Adam's favourite of his many concubines, or a Burns-and-Smithers thing where Lute is obedient to the point of infatuation and Adam is clueless.
Carmilla and Zestial (ZestMilla) - They're just ... there. I don't love them, I don't hate them.
Friends / Family
Charlie, Lucifer and Lilith (Morningstar Family) - I like imagining what the family was like when Charlie was younger.
Angel Dust and Molly (Spider Twins) - One twin in Hell, the other in Heaven ... ooh, I love that angst potential!
Sera and Emily (Seraphim Angels) - I see them as a caring but overprotective mother and a curious but naïve daughter.
Husk and Niffty (CasinoSweep) - Since they're both tied to Alastor, I think they'd get to know each other pretty well. I like the idea of Husk looking out for Niffty and keeping her in check.
Emily, Sir Pentious and Molly (Emtious, Emolly and MollySnake) - I really hope they're an official trio in Season 2! They'd be awesome! Emily could help Sir Pentious adjust to an afterlife in Heaven, and Molly could get behind Charlie's cause and try to see her brother again (assuming she remembers him...).
Alastor, Mimzy and Rosie (Alzy and RadioRose) - The idea of the aroace icon Alastor building a gaggle of gal pals around him will never not be funny to me.
Charlie and Angel Dust (CharlieDust) - Caring little sister and protective big brother.
Vaggie and Angel Dust (SpiderMoth) - Bossy big sister and bratty little brother.
Emily and Angel Dust (HaloDust) - Adoring little sister and bemused big brother.
Not For Me
Carmilla and Velvette (Velmilla) - I can see why others would ship them, but I don't. They're more like business rivals than lovers to me.
Adam and Lucifer (AdamsApple) - Again, I see the appeal of shipping the First Man with the Devil. But I don't think they'd work out long-term. A tough boastful dude and the softer shortie who keeps stealing his wives? It's a recipe for disaster!
NOTP
Angel Dust and Valentino (Valangel) - I don't think this one needs much explanation. I can't ship Valentino with anyone, let alone Angel.
Adam and Lilith (Adalith) - If he was so misogynistic that she fled the Garden of Eden to get away from him, I can't imagine they're very compatible.
Charlie and Alastor (Charlastor) - I prefer them as a twisted mentor and trusting mentee, not a romantic couple.
Blank version below:
#hazbin hotel#shipping meme#charlie morningstar#vaggie#alastor#angel dust#husk hazbin hotel#niffty#rosie hazbin hotel#mimzy hazbin hotel#lilith morningstar#lucifer morningstar#sir pentious#cherri bomb#vox hazbin hotel#valentino hazbin hotel#velvette hazbin hotel#zestial#carmilla carmine#molly hazbin hotel#lute hazbin hotel#adam hazbin hotel#sera hazbin hotel#emily hazbin hotel#huskerdust#chaggie#emilute#cherrisnake#lucilith#staticmoth
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I don't know anywhere near enough about Sanguinius to metaphorically crochet him into a little finger puppet for my primarch fics but how about a little baseless speculation about him and Fulgrim? Please note that this is all based on how I view them in the universe of my silly little stories and is in no way a claim about knowing how they are in canon / lore.
I would probably a) portray Sanguinius as a genuinely sweet adorable cinnamon roll too precious for this world and b) have Fulgrim utterly loathe him because of this.
I tend to write Fulgrim as being a pleasant and charming person who, deep down, is about 50% a deeply broken overthinking ultra-perfectionist and 50% really jealous and vindictive. Please understand that this isn't me saying he's just evil and always was because it really really isn't. It's entirely possible for someone with these traits to function perfectly well in society and not be a bad person in any meaningful sense.
However.
One of his formative experiences as a primarch was almost losing his entire legion due to the Blight corrupted geneseed that almost wiped them out right at the start.
He had to build them up himself from nothing with the constant threat of annihilation both in the sense that "if I fuck up a war and lose however-many thousand Astartes in a terrible accident on the double-ended dildo planet I have no reserves or replacements" and also "every use of our geneseed is a gamble against the horrific mutation coming back and destroying us all over again". In that context the solution he turns to, and the only one that probably makes sense based on his prior experience on Chemos, is perfection.
Make no mistakes, ever, anywhere, because the cost of failure is incalculable, even if it means committing science-treason so you can purge all weakness from your own space dudes. It's not a desire for perfection based on arrogance, although he is of course immensely arrogant in a lot of ways, but one motivated deep down by fear.
People like to clown on Fulgrim based on Jaghatai's infamous "I hear you do strange things to your warriors 😂👌" sick burn, but to be honest, viewed from his context, what Fulgrim's doing is somewhat understandable.
That is if we assume that the Khan isn't just making a cheap insult but rather is implying he knows a lot more than would be preferable about Fabius dicking around with Astartes genetics in order to detect and eliminate carriers of the corrupted gene-seed so that the III Legion, one of the smallest of all numerically, can still survive. And then a lot of other things too because, like Fabius could believably say in one of the weirder McNeill stories, forbidden science is akin to the ancient Terran delicacy known as Pringles. Once you pop you can't stop.
With that in mind it feels like a lot of Fulgrim's post-heresy actions, not just the snake orgies but the general distance and lack of care for his sons, comes from revelling in just finally being free of that level of stress and pressure weighing down on him at all times. Even Perturabo doesn't withdraw from the Iron Warriors that much and he's a dick.
Anyway, back to pre-heresy days. He has all this going on and then in comes Sanguinius with his giant fucking angel wings who everyone loves and who turned his legion into One Direction (not really but you know... perceptions vs reality and no one in this setting actually communicates with one another since they'd probably have a lot in common regarding fears of being mutants etc)
It's the kind of thing that I think would feel like a dagger in the heart to someone like Fulgrim. Directly highlighting and literally embodying all of his fears about mutation and imperfection and yet somehow appearing to get away with it while he has to exercise constant control and do horrible things simply in order for his legion to exist.
So for that reason I think he would absolutely hate Sangy and do everything he could to undermine him.
"Oh no, brother! I've accidentally spilled this entire Big Gulp cup of bright red Tizcan wine all over your beautiful white wings, and only moments before you were due to make a speech to ten million people about how wonderful the Imperium is! Let me help you clean it up."
And then he pulls out a Looney Tunes sized bottle labelled Fabius's Finest Molt-O-Matic Guaranteed Feather Remover and starts spraying it on him.
#he had the Big Gulp cup brought all the way from an ancient Terran dig site just so he could spill as much liquid as possible at one time#fulgrimposting#fulgrim#neves rambles#wh40k#warhammer 40k#warhammer 40000#horus heresy
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This is Not Okay.
(I see your asks and I am working through them, promise)
In the last few years, I have generally kept quiet on the amount of unpleasantness that has come bearing the title of Haitian Vodou. I am not the Vodou Police and people have a right to be wrong and make (sometimes terrible) mistakes. Additionally, people genuinely do not want advice or feedback when their mind is made up and they have found what they think is the real deal for them, and that's okay. I don't need or even want to get involved since folks are presumably adults making adult decisions, and I don't need to invite myself to any/every fight where my name is not invoked...or even when it is!
And yet.
Sometimes, it's too much to stay quiet because silence can get people really hurt, or worse. While folks are entitled to their mistakes and entitled not to educate themselves or do due diligence on the people they are granting access to their heads, there's just something that doesn't sit right with me when it's egregious. Long time followers know I have only spoken directly once or twice.
This is egregious, and it's going to get someone killed:
I have received this at least 5 different times today and have had folks genuinely seeking the lwa ask if this is a solid option. I do not know the person behind this and I would hope this is some sort of massive misunderstanding on their part. However, even so, this is awful.
Let's break this down a bit.
Advertising an initiation right off the bat with how many spots you have available says that you are not concerned with who comes in the door or why they are there. Advertising initiation as something to buy is weird even without the bargain basement 'FIVE SPOTS AVAILABLE'. Sosyetes do not need to advertise and recruit; folks come by reputation and general attraction to what the sosyete does.
The fact that there is no information about what sosyete is mounting this is a red flag. No one can undertake initiation alone. It's impossible because the very mechanics of initiation require folks from outside your lineage to come and verify that the work is being done completely and in accordance with the general principles of the religion.
Trying to cast doubt on other places as a way to build credibility is gross, and it is super ironic that they are advertising this as an answer to scams and people who do gross things. Do those things happen? Absolutely. Is this the way to solve it? No. Grift cannot neutralize grift. This is grift.
The big blinking neon red flag sign is the kwakwa/asogwe hybrid initiation. This is not possible and communicates several things, the largest of which is that this person has not received appropriate guidance in either rite because even the most barebones education tells you that this is not possible and could never be done.
Further, this communicates a lack of respect for both rites. The balls it takes to decide that you are going to take it upon yourself to change a religious practice and throw a bunch of stuff in a blender to come up with something new is WILD. This is outright spiritual arrogance that ignores the place of elders, culture, history, and the actual revolution that birthed these things.
Claiming that a person will receive everything they need in one step is lacking in clarity and breaking from the culture of Haitian Vodou, tchatcha and asogwe lineages alike. That is not how initiation works; the process of initiation unfolds over days and weeks and the process of becoming a competent manbo or houngan unfolds over years and even a lifetime. No initiation is a drive through endeavor and should not be treated as such.
'Without the worries of ties to a spiritual house' tells me this person lacks rootedness and perhaps ties to a spiritual house of their own, which is sad. It is not possible to be a manbo or a houngan in any lineage without ties to a specific lineage/spiritual house. It's not possible. Every lineage of Haitian Vodou is based on the lakou, or the compound or yard that a family and community is built around.
What lakou we are associated with tells our stories and gives us our roots, whether we are Haitian or not, or related to our lineage head or not. These stories are vitally important, we cannot function without them and we cannot take Haitian Vodou out of the context that it exists in. We are collectively built from the story that our spiritual ancestors told themselves when they dreamed of liberation and undertook the truly revolutionary action of revolt against French colonizers.
Trying to undo that to package initiation as something unrooted and without community is a slap in the ancestral face and is impossible. It's not Haitian Vodou. We do not stand alone. If you have no community, who will endorse you as a houngan or manbo? How will anyone know you actually are one? I can give you the names of a dozen priests who were active participants in my initiation and can confirm that I have the right to hold the asson. If you have no spiritual community, you do not have that...and you do not have the right to hold the asson.
Learning is different in Haitian Vodou; we learn as we develop and there is no initiation that grants you the immediate access to the inside of your initiator's head. Info farming is not a thing. We learn as we develop, which is why relationships and community are so important. Going through an initiation doesn't give you all the knowledge. Initiation doesn't even teach you things, you learn after because during the process you do not have the right yet to know. Framing all of this as withholding information shows a lack of cultural fluency. Do people withhold in ways that can be harmful? Sure, because there is fault everywhere....but this is not how you solve that, at all.
Most asogwe receive their po tèt; some take it home and some choose to keep it in the temple they were initiated in. Some houses have specific regleman around that, and there are individual circumstances that would keep someone from having theirs but those are instances that people would work out ahead of time. Further, if someone is not comfy with what the lineage they are initiating into does with po tèts, that it something to work out before they initiate, which is why discernment is so, so important.
There are not multiple kolyes given during initiation. In an asogwe lineage, a kolye is made during the initiation process for you specifically and it is large and worn on the body in most places. We do not receive kolye for individual lwa nor are they consecrated in separate ceremonies; this is directly taken from Orisha traditions.
A kwa kwa and a bell are not an asson, and genuinely only a fool would try to bring that to Loko, the progenitor of all asogweman. You cannot mash things together and say they are an asson because you want them to be, or that Loko will give it. I can't even be charitable about this, it's straight up wrong and completely unethical. No one does this. No one.
'Head seals' is wild and someone is going to get hurt. The job of protecting the head is with the lwa, not in the hands of someone doing work. Further, a correct and complete initiation precludes the possibility of problematic possession because the lwa are there to sort that out. Additionally, taking it upon yourself to 'seal' the head a child of Ginen in the name of Ginen is awfully arrogant...are you really going to say you can overstep the lwa and/or do a better job than them?
The work of initiation is incredibly delicate because you literally have someone's head in your hands. People can die when things are done incorrectly, either in the moment or in a long and winding road of calamity. Every single manbo and houngan I know has a story about this. We know what happens when things like this are undertaken because we've either watched the fallout or had people come to our doors in deep suffering because incorrect and inadvisable things have been done to them.
Paying for any initiation through Etsy should speak for itself. That is not how houngans and manbos do business.
What is unsaid in this blurb is that this is undoubtedly happening in the US, because it would never be allowed to happen in Haiti. This says a lot and it's a giant can of worms to open, but when have I avoided that? Initiation does not happen in the US for a lot of reasons. Some folks want to say it can, but it really can't. This is not the post to get into why and I can write more on that later, but that's the long and short of it.
Perhaps finally, my friend Sankofa made a really astute point in another forum: beware anyone in any African Traditional or African Descended religion trying to sell you something ceremonially unique. Our ceremonies are largely the same for big reasons, and an individual saying they are doing something new, like mixing tchatcha and asson or initiating you to your dead ancestors and putting ancestors on your head, is a massive red flag. This is not how culture and traditional religion function. This is not what the ancestors built for us, and this is not what we pass down.
Please, please be careful with your heads. I meant it when I said that people will die because of stuff like this. Please be discerning about who you trust with your head and your life. Take your time and see lots of ceremonies. Pray. Listen for the voice of the lwa which can sound a lot like your intuition. And, for the love of Ogou and Metrès Danto, don't buy initiations on Etsy.
I hope the person behind this post can reflect on what they are doing and re-evaluate their choices. In a perfect world, they would consult with their elders and their mama/papa kanzo for guidance and really, really listen. If they don't have elders and/or an initiator, they should refrain from offering things like this until they do. Different choices can always be made, but spiritual work done out of ignorance, malice, or greed that harms someone can never be taken back.
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Starting to slowly realise I'm really not doing well mentally and it's. concerning. I feel like I should take a break from tumblr bc it takes some of what little energy I have but it's also my source of joy with friends so idk what to do, like I'd miss y'all more than I'd feel good about being away. But if you notice me talking less/not responding in days it's bc I just cannot. I leave your message notifs up so I don't forget tho <3
#Personal#Feeling dreadful bc so many friends have shared with me things they wrote that I SO GENUINELY AM EXCITED TO READ#I've just had literally no time nor energy for ANYTHING I enjoy in like a month#And I'm also literally not sleeping. I'm either not sleeping or I have recurring nightmares that wake me up. It's god-awful#Therapy isn't helping either cause atp I already know everything they're advising me about it's just not working#Nothing's changed either which ofc makes me feel worse. No meds changed no habits changed nothing crazy happened#I'm just suddenly worse than I've been in years which is Not Good#I feel awful for not being able to read my friends' things if I could let y'all see my mind you'd know I want to read what you write so bad#I just can't right now. I'm sorry#Not to mention work and school have been especially more demanding recently and I literally get home after 8 every single night#Don't even eat dinner til past 10pm#Doing hw until 3am etc etc#It's like high-school all over again but I'm an adult with more responsibilities than ever
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inspired by elli's poll lol cause this seems fun actually but if you guys have bad answers I'll kill myself on your doorstep or smth
#“rori all of these are your faves how can there be a bad answer” well I still have an internal ranking on some of these#and if all of you pick an option that I think pales in comparison to the others. well. hm#I know what's gonna sweep though because two of these are niche as hell and 4 maybe 5 of these are things you people don't follow me for#fun fact I actually had to scrape my brain to make sure I couldn't come up with any more#I am unintentionally very picky on what is a favorite apparentlyyyy#I also just don't watch/read enough stuff these days so there's that#AND I NEED LONG TERM EXPOSURE TO KNOW THEY'RE STICKING AROUND#so like. I have some options but I don't KNOWWW if they're sticking yet#but this feels like such a small poll lmao#also no sapphics on here this is actually cause I hate women-#NO. JOKING. zelink is here. I almost put gideon and harrow but I'm in a perpetual state of not having finished tlt#and I couldn't put nebetta and darya I was drawing the line at 2 tbos ships. well. actually. changed my mind#not editing these tags actually you guys can see my thought process#WAIT AND SAYMARI. FUCK. I LITERALLY MADE A PLAYLIST FOR THEM I LOVE THEMMM#ok. is 4 tbos ships too many. hmm#I said 2 of these are niche now four of these are niche it's really the “which tbos pairing is your fave” poll#THIS POLL IS SO FUNNY IT'S SO SELF INDULGENT I HAVE TO TAKE OUT AT LEAST ONE TBOS SHIP#I should add one more general one...#cause I do actually want genuine and varied answers I gotta give y'all options so they don't all pool at the first two#I also almost put ellie and abby on here.. that would've been so funny four popular 1 rarepair 3 super niche ships#ellie and abby are soooo interesting to me though so of course the thought of them having something horrible going on together compels me#and they are one of my 3 favorited ao3 tags... they deserve a place...#ok well while I debate on that I'm putting akutagawa and atsushi on here I admittedly have only had like two months of exposure to them#but it is enough I can tell they are so crazy to me#the way my tags are just me overthinking everything on what is supposed to be a fun and silly poll... no one does it like me I'm afraid
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I've never been a "born in the wrong generation" type of guy because for So Many reasons I would be dead. Full stop like I would have died during childbirth I would have died of appendicitis age 8 and that's not even factoring in my queerness and neurodivergency and ultimately my mental health (carefully maintained thanks to support/modern advances in medicine and treatment). On Top Of That my hobbies include The Video Game and many such things that are of modern invention (adjacently: including The Device I'm typing this out on right now which has become my main avenue of communication to the outside world)
But I'm just saying that. It WOULD be nice. To exist in a world where fluorescent lighting doesn't exist and everything is possibly 99% less overstimulating all of the time forever.
#and like. a little less capitalist dystopia. i could do with less of that.#but focusing primarily on my own struggle. it's just a bummer sometimes like#i genuinely had fun!!! w my sisters and friends!!! esp at the arcade w ddr that is ALWAYS so fun#but man you can't even take me to your own damn house unless if you're ready to accept vampire rules.#my sister can/does dim the lights if i ask and i don't mind asking it's just fucking crazy to me like#damn uoy guys live like this. bright ass lights ten diff convos at once music in the bg. what if i died on this beanbag#BUT. THAT IS. one thing that is very nice i AM allowed to die on the beanbag!!!!!!! i'm allowed to cozy up and rest#while everyone does their own thing and i can listen in and chime in every now and again. severely underrated tbh#i really only feel a little hopeless when i think about like. public spaces where the only thing i can control is myself#IF i am ever employable again my requirements would be. no florescent lighting. i will die.#which like. kind of limits my prospects.#i do enjoy outdoors/physical work actually though so. i'm just limited bc i have to bind.#i am. so severely. banking on top surgery working out. it won't be a cure-all but by god it WILL open up my options#plus the. constant fatigue. of binding. but not binding is even worse. i need divine intervention (surgery)#SAD. well there are other people in yhe world#but man rhat is like my fave joke to make but i feel so much sadness attached to it. the world will move on without me.#there are a million other people who are far more capable. much 'easier'. ect.#and i know the answer is well there's only one me and there are a handful of people who love me. who keep me and include me#i am very thankful for that.#it's just a bit of a bummer sometimes. i stay silly and have the most fun i can but i am a little sad about it.
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Kaveh definitely wants at least one child of his own. Partially to continue his family line, partially bc he himself loves the idea of having a family of his own. He would however like to move out of Alhaitham’s place before he even dares consider getting a partner to begin with. And the longer he stays there, the more stress he feels thinking about it. He even has sketched out nursery ideas and plans on how to raise them all set to go, if only he'd get out of debt fast enough-
Furina also really wants to have a child of her own. She adores seeing the families around Fontaine, and has dreamed a great deal what parenthood would be like. Nothing brings her joy than when children about Fontaine invite her to join in on the little games they are playing, leaving her giddy and smiling bright as sunshine on her way home. Of course she knows that to be a parent, she really has to get her shit together. One can't just rear a child on macaroni and residual payments, after all.
#hc; kaveh#//Mans is stressing#//He’s like ‘I’m damn near pushing 30; I should have my life together by now aaAAAA’#//Do like the idea of Haitham & Kaveh coparenting though#//Them raising a kid together; be it romantically/qp involved or just like#//Some Full House situation type beat lol#//Haitham does like helping kiddos learn after all. And it would make SO much a lot easier for Kav#//Kaveh would preferably want an even number of kids if he has a partner; so they don't ever feel lonely#//If it's just him & his kiddo; then yeah; he's a little more fine w only one. But he really wants them to have someone to fall back on jic#hc; furina#//She's had thoughts of having children of her own for damn near 500 years#//Which she knew would be Impossible; her role came first and foremost#//But now that she's free from that obligation; the thoughts came welling back up#//It's not entirely why she wants to stand on her own right and get better at so many things; but it is part of it#//She'd love the idea of having her own little family at last#//Though her Salon Solitaire buddies will have to do djbhgjfd#//She doesn't actually know how many she wants tho; maybe one if she's single; but whatever her partner is down for; she would be too#//She would be such a doting mom hjcbffg#//She genuinely wouldn't even mind not having a partner if it came down to it. She will most certainly be able to handle a kiddo on her own#//She thinks that; yet she also most certainly get overwhelmed Real quick at first#//Esp since she'd be such a sympathetic crier when it comes to her babu. & bc she already feels the urge to cry when frustrated#//But she would try her best#//Would absolutely consult with The Gals each and every time she needs anything#//Deffo would be the type to get matching outfits for her and her kid jffghh
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me after i let my anger get the best of me and accidentally kill someone who could have been purified and the resulting gut-wrenching guilt consumes my every waking moment and my terror that it might happen again is so severe that it manifests as horrible nightmares that plague me every night and the worst part about them is that i actually enjoy killing my victims in the nightmares which is a thought more horrifying than any foe i might face and that's why i can never tell any of my friends about what im going through because if they knew the full truth they would surely think me a monster and, honestly, i couldn't blame them and so all i can do is suffer in silence and wait for the guilt and shame as well as what are sure to soon become full-fledged psychopathic tendencies begin producing malevolence in me until i am completely consumed by it and wind up destroying everyone i love and leading the world to certain catastrophe. but it's okay haha im totally fine you don't need to worry about me
#I LOVE BEATING UP MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS I LOVE MAKING THEM COMMIT ATROCITIES AND GIVING THEM CATHOLIC GUILT I LOVE#this may be the edgiest thing i've ever posted. actually scratch that i think it's the first thing this edgy to make it into the physical#realm. this shit usually just lives in my mind instead#it's a good thing cringe is dead because baby im livin in it#i'm reconnecting with my edgy 14 year old self and fellas i have never felt more alive#genuinely kind of don't want to main tag this because it's just sooooo. you know. a lot. but i mean hey worst that happens is it gets zero#notes and nobody ever sees it right#ahahaha. sorry. these are just so incredibly self indulgent#wyvern art tag#tales of#tales of zestiria#sorey#angst#cw angst#death mention#ask to tag
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.
#genuinely why am i like this?#i think i never said it here but (if you've seen my posts about wanting to quit uni)#i actually decided i was definitely going to quit for real#i just don't like what i'm doing and i made up my mind. talked to my parents and everything and i made the decision#i still haven't talked about it with my uni and i actually don't know what i'll have to do to make it official#but that's not what i was going to say here#what i mean is that i didn't go to any of my exams right?#and the thing is that i haven't talked about this with any of the people at uni. not my professors and not any of my classmates#i mean i didn't really make friends there tnh#but there where 4 girls that i sat with in class and i talked to them and all that#so yeah i wouldn't consider them my friends but i've talked a lot with them the past few months#mostly with two of them because we were in the same group in all of our practices#and these two girls have texted me to ask me what happened bc i haven't been to any of the exams and the haven't seen me in uni#and since i didn't say anything they were probably worried about me#the first one texted me 8 days ago and the other one 5 days ago#and i still haven't answered any of them#why? i don't fucking know#but my social anxiety doesn't let me for some reason#i don't think their going to judge me for quiting or anything tbh#but for whatever reason my brain doesn't let me answer some simple text saying “hey i haven't seen you at uni. are you okay?”#just thinking that i will have to explain to them the whole situation scares me#(well maybe not the whole situation but at keast the fact that i'm quiting y'know?)#and all this is already making me feel like shit#but then the thought that they're worrying about me and i haven't answered and maybe that is making them worry more quicks in#and i feel like such a shitty person right now bc they don't deserve me ignorning them when they're just being nice#i'm just so fucking tired of this shit and idk what to do#“answer those fucking texts. they just want to know you're okay” one half of my brain tells me#“but i just.. can't” another half cries#venting#maca speaks
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hi hello just saw everything everywhere all at once and i am experiencing the temporary euphoria of remembering that in a fragmented and chaotic universe we must search for wonder make our own meaning and most importantly be kind
#anyway i'm also exhausted and i'm going to bed#i had to stop my therapist from saying my mom had 'narcissistic tendencies' when i was describing some shit she did in the past today#and be like 'um actually i have '''narcissistic tendencies''' so could we please Not'#obviously she was not initially buying it when she asked 'why did you think that' but I did outline the things that had resonated with me#why i self dxed and how it was a hugely important tool for making sense of the way my brain worked#and therefore figuring out how to effectively try and improve#and touched on the 'it sucks that people are forming clubs to call everyone they don't like a narcissist' and#'if you say someone with a PD doesn't do (x) good behavior you're basically saying a PD is a life sentence and not just information#about how your mind/personality tends to work' greatest hits#and she did seem to agree with a lot of what I said#and seemed to understand when I said I just straight up didn't want to talk about my parents being mentally ill#because what mattered to me was how they chose to act#and not what may or may not be a contributing factor#and ultimately she said she appreciated that I'd spoken up and we could look into dx stuff for npd if I wanted#(which I don't know if I do want! but I feel like it's a positive-ish thing for her to bring up)#so overall it was scary and exhausting but I was pretty happy with how I handled it#and it had me already thinking a lot of Big Stuff about self-improvement and sense of self#and learning to find hope and not just stew in misery or stagnate in 'this is the way things are'#and then the movie hit and it was just the perfect movie to watch today#genuinely a masterpiece god tier acting and effects never a dull moment#and listen i just need everyone to try and be kind to yourself and others ok we need it#believe that you can be okay and you are okay and spend a little time with something or someone you love
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Thinking about what kinds of regrets does q-tip have, if one of them includes listening to hansuke to go to the party. Does he regret always expressing hatred to Nolan? Q-tip seems to still rather shirk away personal responsibility.
Thinking about how much does q-tip have trouble distinguishing conditional love with personal boundaries and breaking points in relationships. How much will it take for the rich loonatic to accept that he needs to better himself if he wants anyone to like him. What would it even take for q-tip to change for Nolan to accept his older brother’s a better person than before.
Would there be a new character who not only symbolically represents to q-tip the chances he wasted being an a-hole to Nolan, but a secret test of character to show how much q-tip grew? Like a small child q-tip has a chance to try again? Like maybe another small child who q-tip feels embodies the paranoia and insecurity that festers within the rich loonatic?
I feel shinae would be that second chance, especially if it’s true shin-hye really does have beef with her younger sister. Like the older sister acts like a jerk to shinae and q-tip realizes, s**t, i really was an awful sibling. I always made it about me. So, I’ll be there for shinae the same way Nolan was for her. I must be better.
Does q-tip deeply think Nolan will always stay and try to play nice with him forever, because the young boy’s love or desire to form a friendship with him that strong?
Will Nolan tell shinae that he bled out because q-tip assaulted him?
With q-tip in the hospital, will we get a shock reveal diagnosis, like what if yui secretly drugs him to enhance his paranoia, that’ll make the rich loonatic freak out even more?
I don’t know. I’m still waiting for q-tip to fall apart and go rock bottom bojack horseman style.
We don’t even know how q-tip will pay up for what he did.
Maybe he’ll step down? Maybe he’ll decide to have no kids so that the cycle ends with him, to ensure yui doesn’t level up to evil grandma. Could play into the theme of the cycle of hurt parents directly or indirectly inflict on their children.
Because even if shinae is the bridge between him and Nolan, the rich loonatic needs to choose to better himself before the breaking point of another relationship’s reached.
The thing about Kousuke is he knows all of this. That's what his whole conversation with Nol was about - he knows that he's an unlikeable person, he knows that there's a reason people don't like him and that they only reluctantly do because of WHO they are. From a young age Kousuke was well-aware of the privilege he was afforded for who he is and where he comes from, and that's a major part of his personal problems. He looks at Nol as being the one of them who got the best of Rand, the likable parts, the charismatic and charming points. And seeing that has made him all the more resentful, because none of that is him, none of that is who Kousuke has become.
On a subconscious level, he's even aware of his worst flaws. That night he got drunk in the club revealed a lot of how Kousuke really sees himself, through the lens of others. He so vehemently denies certain aspects of himself because he cannot reconcile himself with the truth: that he is rude and selfish and lacks necessary empathy to maintain relationships.
I think what Kousuke's bigger issue is that he doesn't know how to reconcile who he is with the role he thinks he's meant to fulfill. His whole life has been about trying to obtain Rand's affection and for a moment he'd reached a point of realizing it doesn't exist. But whatever he saw in the Bible - whether it was the fact that Rand carries around letters from Nessa (hence why he wanted to see the Bible again, he recognized the name) or something even more devastating to Kousuke (revealed in the most recent FP thus I won't write it here hehe) I think further broken him. Whatever he saw proves that this version of Rand, this affectionate, funny man neither of them knows does exist and that he just hasn't revealed himself to them.
The other thing about Kousuke is that he's, essentially, sacrificed himself all of these years, right? He's wanted one thing his entire life - his father's affection and validation. Anything else that he's ever enjoyed never became a want, it just became a thing he could shove aside in the quest for what he truly wants. It's clear from his beef with Nol that he does want other things - he just represses and denies them. He DOES want people to like him - but that's not the role of the Hirahara heir, is it? That's not what happens with people like them. Something I'm starting to believe is that Kousuke has to learn how to divorce what he wants from who he is - how does he let go of the ache for his father's affection when it's the root cause of who he is and everything he's done? What is the point of any of this if it doesn't culminate in being seen as good enough, as worthy enough?
Frankly, Kousuke alone cannot deal with his problems. In an ideal world, he'd go to family therapy with his father and work through that, but in an ideal world, he wouldn't have had to fight for his father's love in the first place. But that's the problem Kousuke faces - he knows how to be a decent person, and he's tried to be as evidenced through Shinae, but it's a struggle for him because his identity is so tightly woven with the way he raised. It's not as simple as to say "I want to be better to Nol as I have been to Shinae" becaue Shinae doesn't come with the same baggage that Nol and Kousuke's relationship does. Kousuke cannot have a healthy relationship with Nol until he reconciles what the issue really is: he is jealous of Nol and terrified that because of Nol he will never be loved by Rand, he is terrified that everything good only went to Nol, and that resentment is not something that goes away over night. Especially because Kousuke has that tendency of immediately rewriting anything that triggers that cognitive dissonance, anything that goes against what he expects. Rand assured Kousuke he wasn't in trouble, that he wasn't angry, that Nol was not Kousuke's responsibility, but immediately upon finding Nol at the Park's home, he jumped right into "Do you know how much trouble I'm in because of you?"
There is no quick and easy way for Kousuke to unlearn everything he's grown up to believe, all of the truths forged within him during his formative foundations. It will not be enough going forward to simply remember that Nol, too, has never met that version of Rand, that maybe that version doesn't even exist. Firstly, I think Kousuke would have rewritten that moment in a way that made him feel less uncomfortable in reflection, but also, again, whatever Kousuke saw in that Bible I worry could undo everything. I think Kousuke has seen a reminder that this version of Rand is real, it's just that (according to the beliefs Kousuke carries) he's not good enough.
Now, I DO think Kousuke wants to be better for Shinae, he just, again, is so out of touch, he doesn't know how to do this. I think if we look at the way he was raised, it makes a lot of sense? It seems he's always taken Yui at face value and not really questioned the lessons she imparted in him when he was young. He's never had to earn anyone's trust - he always assumes he has it because he is a person in power, a person to be revered. He has never been taught to earn ANYTHING because as the Hirahara heir, he's had it from the get go. How does he earn Shinae's trust? How does he reconcile his image in front of her? That's the thing that was so laughable about the otter plushie he gave her - not only does it demonstrate how little he knows her, it also demonstrates that he just doesn't know how to earn THINGS, period. The beaver represented something symbolic to him, but she doesn't know that. He has been handed everything he could want or need in life and he thinks that everyone else must want for this, because he has the good life, the one coveted by everyone. In his mind, a gift given seems to equate to something similar. "I am a good person who is giving you something special to prove that I am a good person."
But it doesn't work that way. Since it seems like there's no way out of her contract and Shinae will likely end up working with Kousuke (assuming you know.... there's no repercussions faced after this incident) I think that's when Kousuke will get schooled, but hmmm. Idk it doesn't feel right to me? How does that work when it comes to the time skips - it would mean significant development would happen off screen, and that doesn't suit quimchee's style, so I'm really iffy on this part, tbh.
The thing re: repercussions, too, is that Rand can push for them, but Yui is not a person to yield, and as it is, Rand wants to keep this whole thing hush hush, so I'm not entirely sure what to anticipate from that? Suppose he is forced to step down - a reason will have to be made, and that doesn't keep things very hush hush, does it? And again, I feel like Yui would easily be able to find a reason to block it. It's so easy to brush Nol's injuries off as being from the fall - which had plenty of witnesses - rather than go into detail about what happened. I guess the other thing is, is Nol willing to push it? No one but them REALLY knows what happened. Rand can assume and guess right but the whole thing creates a horrible fork in the road: either Kousuke gets away with it and Nol carries on believing that he is insignificant to Rand, or Kousuke is punished and he comes away believing that Nol does and has always mattered most.
This is where all of the possibilities become limitless to me lol because say the latter happens and Kousuke is held responsible. How does that impact his relationships? Now his relationship with Rand is further ruined, and that resentment towards Nol grows more. Or does he learn to let it go? Decide fuck pleasing Rand. Fuck pleasing ANYONE? He's such a hard one for me to gage because he just has so many unresolved issues and so much of it is rooted in Nol and Rand.
I'm also unsure if Nol will tell Shinae how it happened. I think it's something that is currently unspoken that she's probably already thought about. Without revealing too much from the recent FP episodes, she saw the state Kousuke was in. It's clear to everyone involved that Kousuke is NOT okay, that he's essentially in a state of shock. I think she might be able to deduce that whatever happened wasn't really intentional? That feels funny to say because Kousuke definitely went after Nol because he didn't want to let him leave like that, because he had so much resentment yet unspilled and was goading him into the fight but also his reaction to Nol bleeding, I think, shows that what Kousuke wanted was for Nol to fight back? like, hmm idk how to word this because it's not something I've fully made up my mind about but I think it's more like Kousuke WANTED Nol to call him out, because he feels so much resentment towards Nol, surely Nol must feel the same. It was that realization that this has been a one-sided war for so many years, that Nol never wanted the fight Kousuke did.
But seeing Nol bleeding, passing out? That wasn't what he wanted. Does that make sense? idk.
Anyway all this to say: I think it's not enough for Kousuke to acknowledge the kind of person he's been. His mental stability is fragile and largely held up by altering his accounts of what happens in every confrontational scenario in a way that doesn't make him uncomfortable. He struggles to accept actual reality because of the way it directly opposes what he expects and believes to be true. So how can he just up and change, if he's unprepared to deal with that reality?
I've always said he needs to fall and break to change, and idk if he's there yet. I'm worried about what will happen with him being in Hirahara Memorial, because I don't doubt Yui will, if she hasn't already been, be made aware of what happened, and maybe that's why Rand didn't want him to show up there? Not just because he would find out that that's not where Nol is, but because he doesn't want him to fall prey to Yui when he's at his weakest? Because Yui is a person who not only supports but recreates those accounts for Kousuke? I think as long as she is a player in this game, Kousuke's likelihood of change diminishes.
At this stage, I think it's very possible that Nol and Kousuke will never be brothers to each other, but my hope is at the very least for them to make peace. For Nol to be able to let go of that family and find peace with himself, without thinking of himself as damaged goods or baggage or a villain. For him to be able to let go of Kousuke - let go of the resentment and just live freely without him. But in order to reach that point, I think the only way for him to see change in Kousuke would have to deal with Yui. Since the chess game remains a prevalent them and Kousuke still plays for Yui's side, I think the thing that will aid him and Nol is if Kousuke is able to turn against Yui, and welp, we've established that's going to be increasingly difficult considering Yui is the only figure in his life who has ever shown him a sense of care, the only figure in his life that he has been able to safely run to. I know he knows what she's like, what she does, but when she's the only one who he has felt was ever on his side, that's going to be a difficult feat, isn't it?
(Also as a side note, when sending me asks, please don't refer to Kousuke as a lunatic. That's some pretty ableist language that doesn't sit right with me. Kousuke has a lot of issues, yeah, but trying to write it off as "he's just crazy/insane" or "he's just [mental illness]" doesn't feel right. I'm fine acknowledges all the ways the guy is messed up - he's got some pretty heavy trauma resulting from neglect and something that resembles PTSD but language like lunatic doesn't feel right - it feels very "this is a bad person doing bad things and I'm going to write it off as inane" and that doesn't sit right with me.)
#ILY Brainrot#I Love Yoo#ILY FP#ILY Spoilers#using those tags just in case#i keep it as spoiler free as possible but i'm just covering my ass lol#Kousuke Hirahara#i don't view Kousuke as an inherent evil as much as being a victim of his own life and circumstances in a way that is difficult for him to#escape. like. idk i have a lot of complicated feelings about him#he's absolutely responsible for the person he's become#but i also cannot deny the circumstances that got him here either#the things that define the character he possesses#how does he change and move on from all of that you know?#how does he let go of his resentment and jealousy?#how does he learn to see Nol as a person of his own rather than this extension of everything that makes him so jealous?#I also think in a twisted way Kousuke genuinely thinks Nol has had it easier#because Kousuke was on such a warpspeed fast track to earn his father's affections no shortcuts no breaks#In his mind Nol has already obtained what Kousuke has had to bust ass for#in his mind Nol is loved and Kousuke is trying to catch up#he sees Nol goofing around with friends and feels jealous that he never had that that he wasn't allowed that based on who he is?#so how does he learn to let go of those feelings?#further it's like... when this is his identity what is left if he lets go of it all? who is he? what remains of his identity when#he lets go of everything that propped him up?#who is he outside of chasing his father for a crumb of affection and resenting Nol for something that isn't even true?#I guess this is why I'm really keen for more of Kousuke's story - I want to see what comes of him#I want to see what choices he ends up making#I want to see if he wants the better path or not
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sometimes i go a little bit insane thinking about the towns of early western america and how many just aren’t there anymore people’s whole lives washed away by sand and sun with nothing but dry, old wood and stone foundations and mines, now empty, to prove they’d ever been there.
sometimes i go a bit nuts thinking about all the cemeteries no one has visited in decades because they are miles from any development, now. wooden headstones reduced to kindling and the stone ones worn down so far that you’re lucky to make out a single letter. fences that have long since stopped serving their purpose.
places built to be temporary but even still were at one point were full of people’s friends and family and hope. i don’t know. a little crazy about it rn
#every time i think about cowboys i am like overcome with. i don't even know#something about how the media has given them so much more credit than they deserve but also by doing so obscured their genuine role#the diminished importance of the miner whos life often ended violently and abruptly#the hundreds of ancedotes we will never be privy to#standing in what is essentially the living corpse of something that once was....#am i even making sense#i dont know#this was brought on bc i was thinking about tumble town. again.#i never have anything interesting to say about tumble town but its a wonderful catalyst for me losing my mind over ghost towns#i get to bring up the highwayman as a little treat. to myself. bc the highwayman is SUCH a good western au fic#i'm not an expert. NOR am i going to hold the highwayman up as a paragon of historical accuracy bc that's just not what its aiming for#nor should it have to#but it is so much more grounded than a lot of western fics. it is so atmospheric and at least to me it captured the vibe#of being out in that kind of enviroment SO well#LIKE! i don't even know how to describe it. just vibes!!!!#it reminded me of what it was like standing in one of those old towns. the way things were laid out and everything. idk! i like the highwaym#have i made that clear LOL#ANYWAY!#this post that is only tangentially related to the blog's subject is sponsored by the dutch bros drink i ALSO got myself as a treat!
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