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bl-inkstone · 1 year

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changed my tune so fast just bc of youtube autoplay lmao ok here have some sagau diluc thoughts

the player, diluc thinks, is an incredibly endearing being.

he's come a long way from the curt and wary attitude he used to put on around the traveler (and by extension, you), and today is one of those days where he finds himself privately thanking whatever powers there may be that allowed your paths to cross, with him staring at the reflection of you hidden deep within the traveler's eyes in the wake of his fight with the abyss that fateful night in mondstadt.

as one of the first people to have their constellations manifest in the sky of teyvat, diluc is more than aware that the fact that you still choose to ask for his company in your (or, well, the traveler's) journey is a gift he must treasure deeply. he knows that it is your presence in this world that gives vision bearers a chance to become something greater than they presently are. he also knows that he is no longer as impressive of a companion in battle as he used to be from back when the sky wasn't as bright as it is now (when the world you knew was smaller and he was still a figure that you could look to and proudly call "your main").

but you always come back to him. when he least expects it, you invite him back to your party and diluc can't help but privately think, privately wish, that it's because you're as fond of him as he is of you.

standing in silent prayer while you bestow upon him artifacts that thrum with divine power is an experience he can never tire of. the claymores you give him, the food he eats, all the materials he needs to reach a breakthrough in his capabilities... he understands that you aren't teyvat's creator, but this world and everything in it seems to exist just for you. you, the provider, the sustainer, the beloved of all. sometimes, diluc feels that everything he has and ever worked for have all been for the sake of one day meeting you.

he's not a religious man by principle, and he loathes people of absolute power. the only exception to this, however, is you. he's not foolish enough to believe you're some omnipotent, omniscient being that lords above all. no, you're not like that. he knows this because the longer he journeys with the traveler and feels their bond strengthen, the faint whispers he used to strain himself to hear grow clearer and clearer until finally, one day, he hears you.

you're both nothing and everything he thought you'd be. you view the world of teyvat with so much awe and joy that it's infectious, and he finds himself smiling more often than not to the privilege of finally hearing you. the traveler always looks at him with an understanding smile when diluc slows down in their travels to listen to you. he lives for the moments when you talk to yourself or to someone else (a companion of your own, maybe? from your place beyond the stars?) because this is how he learns. your favorite food, your favorite nations, your favorite "characters" and more. he holds every morsel of information you unknowingly give close to his chest where all his affections and wishes hide. he likes to think that this way, he can be closer and better for you.

but he knows he's not the only one who hears you, and it is the traveler that is closest to you out of all them. even so, diluc harbors no ill will to the avatar you chose to see and travel the world through. you're so fond of the traveler, and how could he ever come to loathe anything graced by your love?

he knows how to play nice. it helps that most of your other chosen are people he can find himself enjoying the company of as well. diluc understands that as much as he wants to be the sole holder of your attention, the world does not function that way. he's willing to extend an olive branch so long as they can all work together to keep you present in teyvat. he can worry about his more aggressive competition later when they aren't at risk of being caught in such an unsightly state by you — all that matters to him, right now, is how to keep your gaze on him for just a little longer and keep you from leaving him again.

it's a daunting thing to be so close to your grace. you take diluc to lands he'd never thought he'd visit again, to ruins of civilizations long past, domains with unimaginable horrors and have him run, claymore and vision burning at his hip, into fight after fight at your command. it's tiring at best and painful at worst, but you always take care to heal him and his companions before leaving, and you always lead them somewhere safe to rest until teyvat brightens and you come again.

his current companions (his "supports", he inwardly preens) rest and talk amongst themselves once they feel your presence leave. it used to be something they, your chosen, would panic over, but now that they've gotten more used to you and all the signs that pointed that yes, this is your will, they've grown to be able to tolerate the harrowing chill that comes when your warmth leaves them. diluc leans back on his chair in front of good hunter to observe them. they're all people he's come to grow fond of in time: diona was prickly, yes, but ha become pleasant to be around once they grew past their misunderstandings. the young master of the feiyun commerce guild, xingqiu, was also a reliable companion both in and outside of battle, and for all his faults, venti has proven himself to be a devout believer, unwilling to be a burden to you or the party you've guided him towards.

under normal circumstances, he never would've met and forged such strong bonds with these people. if not for your own interference, he never would've bothered getting to know any of them at all. though he may have his own gripes and complaints at times of how their dynamic works when you're not around, diluc is still fond of them. he's grateful for the opportunity to grow close to people again, and traveling the world alongside them and the traveler has become one of the few things he's begun to look forward to outside of his duties as "diluc, master of dawn winery." when the day is done and he can sit and relax with them in the tables in front of good hunter, he can rest in the company of others who understand the near-maddening pull in his chest that draws him to try and get closer, closer, to you.

it's days like these where diluc quietly thanks whatever it is brought you to them, and prays that one day, he will no longer have to search through the traveler's eyes to see you.

#miyo.muses #diluc.togo #i wrote this all in one sitting please i love him so much #i hope my research did you justice sir #if he sounds awkward or anything id appreciate feedback on how to improve!#diluc is one of my faves honestly and i wanna write more for him #and as you can see #he is a very generous muse #this is worse than when i wrote for zhongli oml #i wanted to keep this short n sweet #just a silly little hcs or brainrot post #but no #this happened #but im not that mad lmao diluc gets a free pass <3 #also pls dont flame the team ok i asked a friend what their diluc team looks like and they said “diona + xing + venti”#dsdhewu i have a very skewed view on what's considered a long or short post but just to play it safe #i added the read more this time bc id hate to be the person who clogs up the tags with super long posts #ok thats it rambling over i hope u guys enjoy <3 #genshin impact #sagau #self aware genshin #genshin diluc #diluc x reader

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yeyinde · 1 year

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I want your opinion on the cod boys, what's everyone's favorite drinks? Who's snobby about it and who will drink literally anything as long as it gets them drunk. Which one is a wine snob and which one drinks straight vodka ??

i love this so much, op!!

Ghost: drinks Bourbon, likes it neat (room temp, and nothing else) in a glass. would probably drink Lucky Seven Spirits "The Jokester" 6 Year Old Bourbon Whiskey or Wild Turkey 81 Proof Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. might enjoy a pint of Guinness. doesn't really drink much else. dislikes tequila.

Price: scotch, likes it neat with a little bit of water on the second sip, and a pint. would probably drink Johnnie Walker's Red Label (occasionally splurges during the holidays and buys himself the coveted and rare Blue Label; the ones in his possession are prized. if he ever offers you a glass of this, know you're special to him) or Ballantine's Finest Blended Scotch Whisky. His favourite pint would either be Peroni or San Miguel. a bit of a snob in the sense that he won't drink anything else. hates vodka. don't even ask him to drink any.

Soap: whisky, scotch, and pints. He isn't too picky and will drink whatever he feels like when he's out. would probably drink the Famous Grouse, or Crown Royal Canadian Whisky (even though his Scottish friends rib him for being a traitor). he would drink what is on tap if they didn't have scotch ale. dislikes gin.

Gaz: wants to like beer, but he just doesn't. prefers mixed drinks, especially vodka. likes sherry, too. a little bit of a sherry snob and despite what he says, only goes to this one tapas in Spain for the sole fact they serve the best sherry. will drink whatever gets him drunk, but is learning on how to refine his palate under Price's tutelage. and the fact that the man is never too far away from glass of scotch. enjoys Gonzalez Byass Apóstoles Sherry 30 Years or Don Benigno Cream Sherry. for mixed drinks enjoys vodka cranberry, Pimm's, Sherry negroni. his most coveted drink is NV Fernando de Castilla Singular Oloroso Sherry.

Alejandro: a snob when it comes to tequila. he only drinks extra añejo. he drinks a glass with his dinner and does it the proper way: small sips, neat. he always has a bottle of Siete Leguas D’Antaño extra añejo and Maestro Tequilero tequila añejo classico on hand. drinks Mexican wine as well. MD Vinos – Cabernet Sauvignon (red) and La Cetto – Sierra Blanc Sauvignon Blanc (white). his most coveted drinks are Tears of Llorona Extra Añejo and Don Julio Ultima Reserva.

Rodolfo: he doesn't drink it straight too often, and prefers cervezas or mixed drinks. enjoys Michelada, wine, beer, and tequila. would drink Monte Xanic – Grenache Rosé Wine, Indio or Bohemia (beer), Jose Cuervo Reposado (tequila), and Cantaritos made with Milagro Silver. enjoys the holidays the most when he can buy Noche Buena.

#this was a lot of fun!#i did so much research on drinks lmao #captain john price #johnny soap mactavish #simon ghost riley #kyle gaz garrick #alejandro vargas #rodolfo parra #cod headcanons #cod mw #cod mw headcanons #gaz headcanons #ghost headcanons #price headcanons #soap headcanons #Alejandro headcanons #rodolfo headcanons

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vulpinesaint · 5 months

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stayed up too late posting about being aromantic. ah well... life's temporary joys are worth enduring for

#also didn't do my research project stuff as much as i wanted to tonight BUT. lol. aroposting more important #it's all due midnight tomorrow and i get off work at 12:30 so i'll live haha #the stuff i DID get done tonight. had me restructuring my work thesis #and now i'm so excited to write about sex in the myth of adam and eve. it's gonna be such a kickass project actually #valentine notes #now. to go the fuck to bed for the 7 am shift tomorrow lmao

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six-white-venus · 3 months

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One of your poems has to be carved on the moon. Which do you choose?

something about my father, maybe. i would give him this world and the stars and the night sky. i would carve his name with nothing but my blunt nails on the surface of the moon just to make him feel seen. would it ever be enough? would my bloody fingernails and sweat-stained t-shirt bring him any semblance of comfort and erase the nightmares of his past? i will never know. but till that, i will reach out to the moon; to hold her in my palms, to scratch his name on her skin, to crush her under my hold and make him a ring out of something celestial.

did you know that when we look at the stars in the night sky, we are, in a way, looking at the past? what we see today is an object whose emitted light started its journey millions of years back and from trillions of kilometres away and reaching our eyes now. the thought of something ancient, something ethereal reaching out to bestow the light it will never get to see light up the sky of a person they will never meet is so achingly human, don't you think?

i would kneel on the moon and on it carve the words i wrote, ones that i think they seem to be telling us every day.

"i love you, i love you. can you hear me?"

(stay. do not let me glow in vain. i will light up your sky. i always do)

#thanks for the ask! i had a lot of fun with this one #i can't believe you made me choose smh. user frillyheathen from my poems do you not see i cannot hold a single train of thought #or settle on a single theme #still. thank you so much for the ask!#i actually sat and did some astronomy and physics research for this. and used none of it #okay i used some of it but that's a direct quote from my physics textbook #i'll stop talking now lmao hope this wasn't terrible #my writing #prose poetry #words #love #writeblr #prose #stars #moon #hope #ask game

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cloudysfluffs · 1 month

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Don’t listen to haters, everything ever spread about Vivzie was disproven. Your art is cute.

LMAOOOOOOOO NO IT WASNT????????!!??!?!?

#WEIRD take man #first of all there are so many accusations about viv this is so unspecefic #also. no they havent?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? ive seen so much proof. i see more every single day #i mean thank you. for the compliment.#but being critical about media (even media you enjoy) is a good thing.#its important to unpack how the creators beliefs influence the work they produce #disc horse #this is the first thing i saw when i woke up today and it baffled me so much that i couldnt sleep more like i planned lol #anyway. im not saying anyone cant enjoy the show(s). obviously i do A LITTLE if im making fanart #im not saying you have to drop a media if its creators are problematic. in facf i dont like that take #just remember you are not immune to propaganda and vivzies rac/ist/anti/semetic opinions are very much influencing these characters writing #and things like her (SELF ADMITTED) ra/pe fet/ish arent helping.#sorry. this is a rant ive been wanting to say for a while bur have never got to lol #im just so confhsed by what this person even meant??? some of the bad shit shes done is IN THE SHOW. its in there #you can see it. with your eyes . help #anyway again this is literally the first thing i saw when i woke up LMAO if i completely misinterpreted this ask lemme knkw #the assumption that ive just taken the word of a few ''haters'' and havent done my own research into this topic is kind of insulting #what did you expect me to say....??? did you think id just be like 'oh ok :3' ans blindly retract all negative statements

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cyan1decandy · 2 months

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About Victoria Page

Victoria's character sheet

Warning: everything said in this is said as if it's from Victoria's perspective

Blood status: muggleborn

Father: Edmund Page (DECEASED)

Mother: Henrietta Page (DECEASED)

Home: Dr. Barnado’s Homes, London, UK

Key points in her life:

Victoria’s father fell ill with consumption just before her second birthday. As hard as her mother fought to help him recover, he eventually succumbed to his illness in 1877.

With her father dead, Victoria’s mother had to work a temporary job at a clothing factory until she could find a new husband. She eventually found a decent man and remarried in 1879. However, her new husband had lied to her about his finances and living conditions.

After four years of living in squalor, Victoria’s mother contracted pneumonia. Victoria was in charge of taking care of her mother and was instructed by her step-father to not involve the doctors. Her mother eventually died, allowing for her step-father to obtain all of the finances left behind by her mother and father.

While Victoria wept at her parents’ headstones, her step-father left her with no way to get home. Late in the night, the groundskeeper of the cemetery found her curled up against the headstones, asleep. He took her to the nearest orphanage, where she would live out the rest of her childhood.

Living in the orphanage taught her how to stand up for herself and, most integrally, new words that were very unladylike. She developed a knack for reading and researching various subjects, when she wasn’t having to fight back against the older children.

What a surprise it was when a fork levitated during dinner as she watched a 16-year-old boy berating an eight-year-old kid. When it flew across the room and pinned the boy’s hand to the wall, her anger dissipated. It left her confused but intrigued.

Victoria locked herself inside the washroom, much to the dismay of the other children. She tried repeating what she did but with her quill. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t reproduce the levitation she and the other children had witnessed. Not until an incessant knocking came at the door. It had gone on for several minutes and it annoyed her beyond relief, until the quill finally flew across the washroom and lodged itself between the door and doorframe.

She continued honing this newfound ability for the next week, but out by a dead tree on the edge of the orphanage grounds. She no longer required strong emotions for her to levitate items.

Upon the first day of summer in 1890, an older man entered the orphanage. Lady Edwards lined up all the children for him to choose a suitable adoptee or worker, depending on what his intentions were. His eyes landed on Victoria and it was like something clicked between the two. She was adopted by this strange man and was soon moved into his London apartment.

Eleazar Fig, as she came to know him as, was tasked with getting her out of the orphanage so she could safely learn how to use her magical abilities.

It took Victoria a couple of weeks to finally accept her new life without being hostile, something she’d come to regret later in life. He quickly became the closest thing to a father she ever had, or at least that she remembered.

Combat: offensive and curses. No curse is off the table, save for the killing curse which she only uses once (against Rookwood). Victoria enjoys more drawn out fights over easy fights.

Relationships:

Duncan Hobhouse: hates. The moment he insults muggleborns, she vows to make the rest of his school life hell.

Amit Thakkar: amicable. Victoria has no strong feelings either way for Amit, though she did feel awful for dragging him into danger.

Everett Clopton: negative. Victoria still hasn’t forgiven him for bullying younger students or causing them to lose house points.

Sebastian Sallow: closest confidant. Victoria has a great deal of respect for him.

Anne Sallow: neutral. Victoria wants to get to know her for who she is now, so she can understand what’s changed from Sebastian’s depiction of his sister.

Ominis Gaunt: neutral. While she understands where he’s coming from, she can’t help but to disagree with him.

Imelda Reyes: negative to positive. At first, Victoria found Imelda to be just as bad as her bullies from the orphanage. Imelda eventually grew on her.

Poppy Sweeting: caring. Victoria admires her dedication to helping defenseless creatures.

Arthur Plummly: respectful. Victoria appreciates him for opening her eyes to potential treasures hidden within the castle.

Natsai Onai: odd kinship. Victoria feels she can relate to Natty in some ways with her family life.

Garreth Weasley: neutral. She can respect someone’s passion, but she wishes she wasn’t dragged into his experiment during class.

Leander Prewett: negative. He’s much too cocky for someone as inept as he is.

Lucan Brattleby: positive. In Victoria’s eyes, he’s like the little brother that she never had. Though it does feel as if he’s jealous whenever Sebastian is around…

Professor Dicken (muggle studies): hate. She constantly gets in arguments with him about muggle technology and what its uses are.

#hogwarts legacy mc #hogwarts legacy #hogwarts legacy victoria page #cc shares her oc #this took so much longer than i thought it would-#i did so much research to try to get this as historically accurate as i could #and i'm sure it's still not perfect but oh well gotta be brave and put her out for the world 😌#also how fucking fitting is it that afterglow by all time low started as soon as i finished this lmao

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since-times-long-forgotten · 16 days

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hello! you sent me a lizard to ask me how i was so here's a pika, she's bringing you flowers :) (i'm aware that you probably took that lizard photo but i have found zero cool things irl so here's a cute thing i found on the internet)how's life?

awww pikas are so sweet I love them thank you :DD I appreciate that<3

Life is good, it’s the last day of the vacation I’m at (the place I’m at has the lizards!) and so I’ll have to go back to real life and responsibilities soon, which isn’t as fun, but it’ll be okay! I’m trying to learn how to better handle my work-time, since I procrastinate a lot, and it’s hard with ADHD but I’m getting there<3

#thank you for asking!#I do appreciate you a lot :D #Also that pika picture is probably one of my favorite ones out there #I did a research on pikas once in like fifth grade and I found that picture and I loved it so so much #It’s a wonderfully compositioned photo and the colors in it go together so well #The pika’s fur is so beautiful with all the colors in it #the grey-tipped hairs with black at the bottom and brown and tan in the middle #It’s little eyes #It’s little paws<33 #And the flowers give the photo that little bit of extra color #it’s so sweet and now I’m rambling about it lmao #Thank you for reminding me of that picture actually #It’s given me inspiration for taking photos #AAAA I need to go out and take pictures but I have to pack #sun speaks #:D

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cyrus-the-younger · 9 months

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persian history mutuals do you have recommendations on where to research achaemenid clothing and/or armor i need it for art reasons thank youuu

#i did a bunch of research on this before and ive forgotten so much of it my memory is very short term lmao

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nyarthru · 4 months

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the fact that so many child abuse laws are like "its not child abuse unless it leaves a lasting mark" is so fucking crazy to me. You can hit a kid as long as your fists weren't closed and you hit them light enough

#It's actually so hard for someone to be convicted of child abuse. especially if what happened is under the guise of ''discipline''#yeah the kid was fighting me so its not MY fault that he hit his head and arm on a counter and was also on edge of having a panic attack.#this is the proper reaction to a kid being guilty of talking back and being bossy - my uncle #also my uncle: I've never been found guilty under the law for child abuse. you are wrong. also you are the one needing to grow up bc somehow #I'm circling this conversation about you assaulting me over thinking something bad was happening to your brother back around to the fact you #are still living with me #its so funny to me bc even if I did try to leave my mom would try to stop me lmao. ''you're mom is enabling your lifestyle for some reason''#my dude. my mom is ENFORCING this lifestyle. not to mention when you were shaming me for how old I was and still living here...you got my #age wrong??? do your research before talking to me.#literally told me I had no goals or plans for the future. lmao even. he only ever talks to me to tell me that he wants me out #quickly! name 8 interests I have that I did not have while in elementary school!!!#like I'm so mad. at least I can revel in the fact that my uncle was such a pussy you didn't commit to calling the police on me when he said #he would lmao. I can also revel in the fact that he fucking hates it here and tries to avoid being home. and that hes failing at parenting #his own children. I'm sorry brenna. I mean no slander. but you sneaking around and being found out about it and that all the adults knew #about it before he did thus making him look bad is so satisfying. its like watching him judging his gf and my mom for being bad parents #while his kids do much worse things (in his eyes) so fucking poetic #I'm sorry for going batshit crazy in the tags. I am. venting #tw child abuse

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rainbluealoekitten · 6 months

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ok mb for worrying everyone but i actually had a BEAUTIFUL afternoon and am feeling pretty happy rn :D rambling about it in the tags ofc <3

#had mac and cheese for lunch so very yum #then slight boy update where he fucking BLUSHED at me today and i've been working very hard to get over him #but was like!!! wtf!!!! what do i do with this!!! and texted one of my best friends #and she told me to fucking ASK HIM why he's been acting shitty as of late #so we formulated a text then he was very very apologetic and explained how he's been feeling as of late #and we chatted for a while which was super nice :))) idk if it's going to last but now we just WAIT and OBSERVE #to see if it's worth it #and then i did a toooooon of work out in my garden really just vibing #like way more research than was needed (did not work smarter over harder) but atm idm bc #it made me feel like i was doing well and honestly i was really just vibing #also put my bird and fish to decompose. still don't know what is up with that lmao #so got to put my hands in the dirt!!!!! fucking love that #now gonna watch outlander i think #or i should check the bio video's transcript quickly before maybe #either way will be fine :)))#i'm glad #and i'm also super proud of myself bc i've made sooo much progress mentally #like yeah everything felt like shit this morning and i was indulging myself there but i have also been owrking so so hard #with walking around angrily repeating that i am grateful to be alive #and pointing out all the shit in the world that i love #and really speaking to myself with love in my heart the way i needed to be spoken to as a child #so yeah :) even if i start to feel shitty again #nobody can take away the moments of happiness from me #there will always be more rays of sun #or more rainstorms bc i prefer those a million times more and guess what!!! rainy season rn :)#peace and love on the planet earth #blue screams into the void

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millionsnife · 9 months

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High concentrations of caffeine make Knives ill; he only drinks decaf when it comes to the rare coffee, and he prefers decaf tea as well though he tolerates caffeinated tea much better than coffee, especially if it's diluted with enough water.

This means he also tends not to drink caffeinated sodas or other drinks as the caffeine in them tends to give the beverages an underlying bitter taste that he can't stand. Tea he can at least sweeten it with honey to hide the caffeine taste but that can't be done with sodas.

#hcs;;#posts this many hours later #i did a bunch of research on plants and coffee lmao i was gonna delve into it but i can't brain that much rn so #the summary #soda's absolutely a projection on me tho #i can't drink coke anymore bc i taste the caff and it's super bitter

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thecherrygod · 6 months

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man its still wild to me that apparently when i was like 3/5 one of my dad coworkers thought it was nice to gift me exclusively a tortoise. when i was THAT little, and when im the fucking youngest sibling out of 3. like how do you give a preschooler a whole animal and not as a family gift. also i named the guy franklin. as the cartoon. and it also happened when we were on a different city for summer holidays so i took the guy with me on the car on the trip. the thing is i was so young i didnt remember neither that he was genuinely mine, nor that i am the one that named him, nor that the cartoon ever existed. my mom told me the details some time ago and its just so. who thought all this was okay.

still i think the lil guy knew he was exclusively mine bc it seems he only.. not listened. but accepted me to both grab him and feed him and not be like "fuck this food" lmao

#my posts #frankling my little guy.. he didnt live too long either. like we had a yard and he tended to be there a lot and id go check on him #.. and well after a winter my mom went to check instead and its good that she did it and not me bc well yeah sdiuguh #what was i. 7? idk #also we didnt really know how to take care of one of these guys either dyugdg #so. idk. i dont remember all that much either i was little dgiush #actually maybe i did get him when i was like 3 and he died when i was like 5 bc i think it was like...#timeline: my dad had a heart attack. one of our dogs died either when he was in the hospital or very short after. and frankling too?#... i think that all happened very close..?#i need to stop making timelines of my life like this lmao #anyways i do love these creeatures still and i miss him even if i didnt remember vital information lmao #... maybe some day ill have one again if thats a reasonable pet to own #make research and consider

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nyoomfruits · 1 year

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loved the baby au fic 🥰 commentary on the bit where Julie walks for the first time?

thank yooouuu <3

fun fact! this scene specifically had many forms, and i dont think i settled on julie walking for the first time until i actually got to it??? there were a few iterations, most of the centered around julie saying max's name for the first time, but i needed a catalyst for her to do that???

anyway i have a pretty long early morning bike ride to work and let me tell you that is where like 40% of my fics get written lmao, but yeah i spend an entire bike ride puzzling it out and settled on the little domino effect of julie walking -> charles wanting to tell max about it and saying his name -> julie repeatingh is name -> charles realizing he's an absolute idiot

ALSO fun little detail: charles, and max i think too, curse around julie all the time for most of the fic. this is the first time charles corrects himself and refrains from swearing because he's caught on to the fact that julie's starting to repeat their words back to them lmao

#also didnt even mention this #but the ammount of RESEARCH i have done on developmental steps for babies #like i know exactly around how many months babies start walking talking eating solid foods #google definitely thinks i'm a struggling new mom now lmao #TEETHING i did so much research on teething and its like the tiniest mention in the fic #you'll be alright

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cainware · 2 years

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Drums Of The City Rain

A simple, short little oneshot about Jason needing Dick to come pick him up during a panic attack that got way too far out of hand (as all my writing does)

Pairing: Gen

Character(s): Jason Todd, Dick Grayson

Word count: 3.2k

Warnings: mental health, vague depictions of PTSD, mention of Jason’s death, panic attacks, brother’s should be there for each other, mental breakdowns, jason should probably go to therapy but so should the rest of the batfam, good sibling dick grayson

(I might make another chapter to this? I don’t know though. My writing is so rusty and this is probably super ooc but its self-indulgent so I make no excuses (also if you see any typos, no you didn’t). Title based on Brother//Gerard Way. I know @nightmareinfloral and @iinmysights asked me to tag them if I ever posted it though, so it’s here guys! I hope its a good read <3)

Gotham City was home to a plethora of the worst, most vile things a person could imagine. Super villains, super criminals, and more murderers than you could fill Blackgate and all her sister prisons with. Thugs walked the streets freely, drug runners and crime bosses racked up cash in a vain attempt to escape the beast that was poverty before their unceremonious fall from power. Sex workers struggled to make ends meet, and abusers got away with about as much as a slap on the wrist, if even that much.

The GCPD weren't much better. Half of them were corrupt, the other half powerless to stop it or too apathetic to care about it in the first place. Most of the citizens were complicit in turning a blind eye to these happenings, either wealthy enough to afford the security they needed or delusional enough to pretend they were safe from that lifestyle. But everyone knew Gotham City and safety had always been mutually-exclusive terms, and nobody knew that more than Jason Todd.

Jason knew each of these groups well. He grew up here; he'd been born and bred in the filthy underbelly of this beast, raised in the pit of despair itself and brought out of it at fourteen by a hand that, admittedly, could have tossed him in juvenile detention for stealing tires. But it hadn't, and instead, he'd gotten the chance to become something more.

Being Robin had been a gift and a curse. On one hand, Jason finally felt hope, and had the privilege of passing that hope on to others like a small beacon. And if there was one thing Gotham, and it’s supposed “protector”, Batman, needed, it was hope.

But on the other, it painted a giant, traffic light-colored target on his back. A target that, admittedly, had a hand in leaving him where he was now; a crumpled mess behind a dumpster in some random alleyway in Gotham's underbelly yet again, hands trembling as he stared vacantly at the empty darkness in front of him that ended in another brick wall.

The dark alleys of Gotham were home, in a sense. Plenty of small, cramped spaces to make a normal person feel like the city itself was swallowing them whole. But for Jason, it meant security. It was a place to hide, even if he couldn’t fit in the same cracks and crevices that he used to. And right now, hiding from anything and everything was all he could think to do.

He wasn't hurt, at least not physically. But mentally, Jason felt paralyzed, his body having locked up immediately as he found solace between an abandoned building and one of the run-down, closed stores on this end of town. His mind was running a million miles a minute with none of its destinations ending well, like a hijacked freight train barreling towards an endless drop. Jason felt like the world was ending, like his entire body was shutting down one function at a time. The beast that was Gotham, and all her perverse ways, had found a way to trigger the tangled knot of fear wound up tightly in the pit of Jason’s stomach, and now it had become a fight for survival against his own mind once again.

Jason could feel his blood pulsing in his ears, his heart hammering in his chest. He couldn't breathe anymore, his lungs feeling as if they'd been cut off entirely, and the mask on his face wasn't making it any easier. But try as he might, his hands wouldn't move. His fingers twitched, but it was as if he lacked the strength to move his arms at all. If he could just get the mask off, just undo that single latch holding this glorified muzzle on, maybe he'd feel better. Maybe then, air would fill his lungs again. But instead he sat immobile, eyes stinging as visions of the past flashed rapidly behind his eyes beneath those bright red lenses.

The Joker laughing wasn’t as bad as it usually was, but that’s where he lost what little composure against the fear he had. He was powerless against the bomb, the ticking of a clock painfully loud in his ears. He could hear it, the laughter and the ticking, hand-in-hand like a dynamic little sideshow. It sounded as if it were right beside him again, but the rational part of him knew it was just the clock tower in the distance, maybe a couple or a group of friends laughing together, trying to find some good in this hell-scape of a city.

But he could smell the smoke, could see the burning reds and oranges in the corners of his eyes, could see the blinding lights when he blinked, and it send him back to a time he had long tried to heal from. But again, the rational part of his brain tried to reason it out in a desperate attempt to keep his calm. Maybe one of the local homeless with their barrel fires, maybe he was just seeing things. He’d believe anything, at that point; because that had to be it, it couldn't be the bomb. He’d been there when it went off, he would know. It was gone, just like the scared little beacon of hope he’d been once.

Jason bit down on his tongue, willing himself to focus on what he could feel. He’d been to therapy before, and he’d had plenty of time to practice those shitty little techniques people came up with over the years to manage anxiety. As they each failed, one sense after the other, he realized this had already gone too far. He had to do something, had to move or... call someone. He couldn’t do this alone, not this time.

He hit the comms unit in his ear, praying to whatever could hear him that he'd get a response. It pinged, once, twice. Jason’s prayers got louder, more desperate as he sat there in the alleyway, his fingers curling into the fabric of his pants leg as his body threatened to curl in on itself completely. He whispered a plea, but it came out as nothing more than a strained whimper.

But who could he even call? He wasn’t supposed to be in Gotham at all, not yet, not until he was ready to be return permanently on his own terms, playing the good boy with Bruce’s stupid rules. If any of the family were to find out, he worried what they’d say, what they’d think of him being back now after so many months of being off-radar. One by one, their names rattled off in his mind, but none of them felt like safety. Not a single name felt like love, or family, or hope.

"Jason?" Maybe there was a God. He doubted it, but maybe he could use a little faith right now. A little hope would go a long way when you felt like you were plummeting like a rocket towards rock bottom all over again.

"Dick?" He managed, his voice quiet, barely above a whisper. It cracked, strained against his throat that felt too tight to breathe. He hated how he sounded, like a pathetic, scared little kid. But in reality, that’s exactly what he was. Gradually the words bubbled up slowly, and even though it hurt to speak, Jason forced them out. "I... I need help, man."

"Jason. Where are you?" Dick's voice barely reached Jason despite the communicator sitting in his ear, and Jason squeezed his eyes closed as he fought through the wave of nausea that came with the building panic in his chest. He tried to visualize something, anything that would make this easier. He came up empty-handed. But Jason had to give him an answer, and with a little bit of fight, he managed to choke out a reply.

"Back alley... I-I think I'm by the clock tower? Maybe? I-I don't know..." He murmured, his hands shaking as he lifted them to his face and laid his head down in them. He pressed the heels of his palms against the mask, curling his fingers around the edges, but finding he lacked the strength to pull it off. A faint sob passed his lips, pure frustration at his sense of helplessness making his emotions run even higher. “I can... I can hear it ticking, or... or something, at least.”

"Jason, stay with me, littlewing. I'm on my way, okay? I'm gonna have Oracle-"

"No! God, no... don't-" Jason replied quickly, his heart hammering in his chest as he thought about the rest of the family seeing him like this. It made his chest squeeze around his heart, forcing the air he’d fought so hard to get back out and leaving him back at square-one.

He could imagine their hesitant glances, the poorly hidden side-eyes, the uncertain shifting of their feet. They didn't trust him as far as they could throw him, and the half that did would look at him with those sickeningly pitying eyes that he hated more than anything; those eyes that you'd offer a wounded dog that you knew you'd have to put down. It made his stomach turn to think about it, adding to the sick feeling washing over him. He’d give anything to make it stop.

"Please, Dick don't... don't tell anyone else." He didn't want it. He couldn't handle their judgement, couldn't handle them seeing him so fragile, so weak. Even if they understood, which he highly doubted they would, seeing them look down at him more than they already did would just be too much. God forbid he be subjected to that again, to the eventual surrender he’d be forced into to accept their help. Jason had learned a long time ago that some things were best kept at arms length, and most of their little freak-show's conditional love was one of them.

Silence met his pleas, but Jason knew what Dick was doing. He was weighing his options, looking at things from every angle and from Jason's perspective. Dick was the only person that would understand, the only person that knew what it was like to be pitied and to want nothing of it. Dick had once left the family, too, and for all Jason knew, he hadn’t rejoined it fully either, because rejoining the family meant giving up your independence, it meant following someone else’s rules and taking their orders. Or, in Jason’s case, masking everything you were, and everyone you are, for the sake of keeping others comfortable.

"Okay, Jay. I won't tell them." Finally, as if underwater, Dick's reply came in a soft, slow tone. Relief, for the first time since this breakdown had begun, lessened the weight on Jason's chest. He slumped back against the wall behind him, focusing on the sounds of Dick moving on the other line as his eyes stayed closed.

"Talk to me, Jason.” Dick said, and Jason could hear the dull thrum of an engine roaring behind Dick’s voice. Vaguely, Jason thought about how ridiculous it must be that he’d called someone all the way in Blüdhaven to come and pick him up in the ass-end of Gotham, and how under normal means, he’d think it was pretty comical that Dick was likely hauling ass to get to him. “Can you tell me how you feel right now?”

Jason thought about it for a moment, willing the shadows in the corners of his mind away as best he could in his current state. He settled against the wall behind him, leaning his head back as he took deep, slow breaths. Overhead, the night sky looked even cloudier than it had before, even tinted through Jason's red lenses. It would rain soon; the thought of a storm made Jason’s bones ache, and though it wasn’t pleasant, it gave him something else to focus on.

"I'm... fuck, Dick, I'm scared..." Jason said, the harsh reality of the situation settling in the pit of his stomach like a rock. The dull rumbling of thunder overhead punctuated his statement, and he let out a quiet sigh as he tried to articulate just why he was so afraid. "I keep seeing things... and smelling the smoke and..."

"So you're having an episode, littlewing?" Dick asked, voice strangely soothing in the midst of the chaos inside Jason’s own head. Jason nodded slowly, as if Dick could see him, and hummed a faint reply when he realized he wasn't visible to the other man yet. "You have PTSD, Jay. Things like this happen, it’s all part of living with it. But I'm glad you called me, I know that must’ve been a blow to your ego.”

Jason actually managed something akin to a laugh, and he could feel Dick smiling on the other end of the line. As quickly as that brief moment of joy came, it was gone, and Jason was left staring up at the sky as the rain started.

“Are you somewhere safe in the alley? Not out in the open where God and everybody can see you?” The question took a moment to process, and Dick let him answer in his own time. Finally, it actually registered that Dick had spoken to him, and Jason thought about it before he spoke, rain coming down slowly and drenching the hood protecting his head. Through his mask, he watched the water run down the wall opposite him, focusing more on his breathing than keeping his voice even.

“Yeah. Er... maybe? I’m... I’m gonna be honest, Dick, I’m hiding behind a fuckin’ dumpster.” Jason replied, laughing as he allowed his head to drop. He felt tired, his panic having driven him to the brink of exhaustion. "I can't... it feels like I don't have any strength left, Dick."

“That's okay, Jason. We'll handle it when I get there, okay? I'm cutting through the fashion district now, just give me a few more minutes." Dick replied, and as he spoke, Jason could hear the rumble of the engine from two different sources. The motorcycle had a quiet setting, just like every other gadget in this godforsaken family, but he knew what Dick was doing. He was using it as a reassurance device, a way to relieve some of Jason’s stress from a distance. Dick knew that if Jason could hear him, it would make him feel a little more secure, even if he couldn’t see him yet. He’d have to thank him for that later, somehow.

“Hey, Dick?” Jason muttered, slowly lifting his head and watching as the faint glow of a single headlight broke through the gray monotony of the curtain of rain. The engine was getting louder, and Jason closed his eyes as the light got brighter, closer. “I’m sorry I called you all the way out here for something like this.”

“Shut up, Jason. You know I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t care.” Dick sighed, and gradually, he felt the ground rumbling under him. Dick had pulled into the alleyway, slowly coming to a stop. Jason opened his eyes to watch his older brother dismount the bike, leaving the motor running as he held a hand over his eye to shield his vision from the rain. He rounded the dumpster completely, and Jason watched as he paused to look down at him.

In normal circumstances, Jason would poke fun at him for how he looked right now. Dick was still half-costumed from his nightly patrol, and now half-drowned from driving in the rain, his hair sticking to his face at weird angles. An old, now soaked Beatles T-shirt offered a stark contrast to the armored black pants he wore in his Nightwing uniform, serving to make him look like the vigilante equivalent to being caught with your pants down. But this wasn't any normal case, and Jason was just glad to see him after thirty minutes of silent suffering.

As if completely involuntary, Jason’s shoulders began to tremble. He felt like he was watching the entire scene from outside his own body, the cold seeping into his flesh beneath his uniform as his eyes burned with tears behind the mask. Something about finally seeing Dick in person, at seeing someone that genuinely cared enough about him to drive thirty minutes in the rain to help him, had finally broken the thin composure Jason had forced himself to maintain. And god, the dam had finally splintered.

As soon as Dick knelt down beside him, a hand that didn’t hesitate for a second to release the clasp of Jason’s mask and gently pull it away, there was no going back. Jason began to sob, inconsolable as he felt, vaguely, when Dick pulled him closer into his arms. For the first time since the start of his episode, Jason was finally able to breathe, as if he’d been freed from a trap of his own making.

"Hey, hey. I'm here, you're good." Dick whispered, voice barely audible above the rain that had steadily picked up. Jason leaned against Dick, his hands finding the strength to grip into Dick’s wet T-shirt as he tried to ground himself with something, anything. “I’ve got you, littlewing. I’ve got you.”

Dick wrapped his arms around Jason, quietly rubbing circles along his brother’s back. Jason had spent so long curled up in a ball behind the dumpster that, by the time Dick managed to slowly coax him up and onto his feet, Jason stumbled. But instead of falling, like he had expected, Jason found Dick standing firm, an arm around his waist to steady him. He followed Dick’s lead, blindly trusting his older brother who held his mask in one hand and steadied the bike for Jason to climb on with the other.

“Alright, hold on to me. I’m taking you with me back to Bludhaven, okay? Maybe the ride will help calm you down a little.” Dick said, and Jason nodded slowly, his sobs having subsided to faint sniffles and tired, puffy red eyes. Dick mounted the bike, waiting for Jason to latch onto him. It was almost funny, having such a brick wall of a man holding onto him, but Dick didn’t have the stomach for humor right now. Instead, he took off, peeling out of the alleyway with Jason holding onto him like a lifeline.

Jason would agree, in that moment, that Dick was just that. A lifeline, something he could count on. He was the only person Jason could think of that brought him that sense of safety, of being protected, even though Jason knew quite a few people that should fit that profile better. But as Jason had learned, people tended to view size and strength differently when it came to vulnerability. If you were built like a wall, they assumed it would take a lot more to make you crumble. But Dick understood, in a sense, that even the toughest walls had their weak points. He’d seen plenty of men, women, and everything in between topple in his time by having a weak foundation.

As he floored the motorcyle, with Jason tucked against his back like a frightened, lonely little kid, Dick knew Jason needed a strong foundation more now than he ever had. As the rain pelted the two of them, Dick made a choice, against whatever odds that might pit themselves against him, he would be that foundation, even if it killed him, because that’s what a brother does.

#jay actually wrote a thing oh my god #fanfic #i hope yall enjoy this because ive been writing on it all day lmao this wip is finally out of the folder and i can move on to something else #please be nice i havent written for the batfam in?? checks notes literally years #also theres so much conflicting information on just where bludhaven is in relation to gotham #so for the sake of this making sense just suspend whatever your person belief on location is #because i tried researching it and that Did Not Help #dick grayson #jason todd #cainscontent

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