Do you think of me?

The LLPonF is 🔥🔥🔥 Really love your writing. If you take requests, could you write a smut with Rafe x Virgin Innocent girlfriend where he eats her out for the first time. Like they are in a relationship, he really loves her and wants to pleasure her (something cute).

OMFG anon I am so sorry! I didn't even see this! Thank you so much, I am glad you love LLPonF and my writing! I hope you don't mind that I changed the request a little, I might do a part 2 to this for him eating her out! Hugs and Kisses to you!

Make You a Sinner

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Virgin!fem!reader

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, smut, VERY FLUFFY, soft Rafe, fingering, piv, innocent reader (not very innocent), soft fluffy sex, aftercare, reader is on the pill, not edited

Summary: Rafe wants to make his girlfriends first time memorable

A/N: I just want to say that I indeed did cry while writing the start of this because I want something like this so bad!

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I love him.

I've told him many times, and he's told me the same.

He was my first boyfriend. My first kiss and hopefully my first everything.

Today was one of those laid back days of Summer. It was the day where Summer is ending and the weather was getting colder. The sky was grey and the leaves were already starting to turn colors.

The seasonal depression was hitting and all I wanted to do was stay home in my bed, watching YouTube, while in my thick sweatpants and hoodie.

Rafe loved coming over and just laying with me, he says my house is more of a home than Tannyhil is. My parents always welcomed Rafe in with open parental arms.

My mom always cooked and made sure she packed him some leftovers, and dad always made sure that Rafe was here for Sunday Football. He is family.

So, there we were laying on my bed as we watched Halloweentown even though Rafe said it's too early for spooky season.

We laid on our side wit his strong arm laid on my waist, his other arm keeping his head up as my head was laid on the pit of his arm. He was the big spoon, sometimes we switch but he likes spooning me.

"How many movies of Halloweentown are there?" he mumbled out, both our eyes still trained on the old movie playing.

I grabbed the remote and paused the movie, turning my body around so now we're chest to chest.

"There's four." I said sleepily, my eyelids heavy.

"You didn't need to pause it." he chuckled and his free hand combed my hair with his fingers.

"I know." I whispered with a smile, my eyes never leaving his blue ones.

He is god-like. He is the prettiest man I've ever seen. I could honestly stare at his for days.

"You're staring." his thumb rubbed at the apple of my cheek. I melted at his soft touch.

"Have I ever told you that I love you?" I asked him with a smile even though we both know the answer.

"No babe, I don't think you've ever told me." his tone is sarcastic but it felt so familiar to my heart.

My hands moved to his face, cupping his cheeks. I can feel his stubble under my palms. My legs trapped him into the mattress as I straddled his waist.

"Well then, listen closely because I'll only say it once." I pulled his face to mine. "I *kiss* love *kiss* you *kiss*"

I continued to kiss his face all over, his tired laughs rang throughout my room.

“Okay okay.” he grabbed my face and pulled my lips away from his face. “I love you too.” he brought his lips to my forehead, leaving a kiss and then leaving additional pecks on the bridge of my nose and cupids bow of my lips.

I laid my face onto his neck, the two of us just in each others arms. His eyes were closed, focusing on our heartbeats in sync.

“Rafe” I whispered into his neck, my breath tickling his skin.

He hummed to make sure I knew he was listening and is awake.

“I think I’m ready.” I said quietly.

I watched his long eyelashes move and his arms squeezed tight around my shoulders.

“You sure baby?” he kissed the shell of my ear.

“I’m 100% sure.” I made sure I told him, he wouldn't do anything if I only hummed.

He sat up, holding me against his chest so I moved with him.

With the little dim light brightening my room, I can see his blue eyes filled with black. The corner of his lips were pulled up into a smirk. 

His big hands caged my face and connected our lips. He was soft at first, but with each kiss he got more sloppy. His hands moved down to the hem of my hoodie, reaching up into it so his hands touched my lower back.

his fingers pinched lightly, grasped, and rubbed my skin. My sweatpants covered core moved against the tent in his grey sweats that showed his print too well.

His warm breath fanned against my skin and his lips made his way to my neck. His mouth sucking my skin and marking me with red spots.

“Take off your pants baby.” he patted my thigh as his fingers lightly dragged on the surface. I quickly hopped off of him and took off my pants, leaving on my hoodie and panties.

I was kneeled next to him on the bed, my eyes watching him as he took off his sweats and shirt. I’ve seen him naked loads of times, but I’ll always look at him like he his a Greek God. 

Fuck. He looks so good, especially with him in just his boxers. 

I felt overdressed, but he knows I like to keep my tops on whenever we make out. 

He sat up and pulled my face down to his, my body collapsing onto his. His lips attacking mine.

“I’ll be slow, okay babe?” he was always verbal with these types of stuff.

“Okay.” I nodded with a smile.

He lightly flipped me onto my back, putting pillows under and all around me. My knees were bent and I just admired how he took care of me. He was kneeling down at the spot by my feet, grabbing the remote to turn off the tv.

His attention when back to me, his lips curled into a smile, and his eyes showing a little of his crows feet. His hands landed on my bare knees, rubbing circles with his thumbs.

I had about a million butterflies in my stomach. My fingers toyed around with the hem of my hoodie. 

“Hey?” Rafe broke the silence.

I hummed at him.

“If you don't want to do this, we can just watch the rest of the movies and cuddle.” he squeezed the tops of my thighs to assure me.

“Its just first time nerves. I want to do this. I want to do this with you.” I put my hand over his.

His smile was warm, like the smell of cinnamon.

“We can start with my fingers first, have to get you used to the stretch.” 

“Okay.” I chewed at the inner part of my cheek.

“You have to spread your legs for me baby.” he chuckled at my legs tightly closed against each other.

I mentally face-palmed myself as I nodded my head and widened my legs, revealing more of my black panties. He licked his lips at the sight. 

He moved his body between my thighs, his fingers tracing the lace trim of my bottoms. He light touch tickled my skin.

His fingers then moved to that sensitive bud. His thumb rubbed it over my panties, the friction adding to the sensation.

“Oh God.” I whispered out, trying not to be loud with my parents just down the hall.

I felt myself get wetter at the sight of his fingers touching me. His fingers dragged down to my clothed entrance, rubbing at it.

“Fuck baby, you’re wet already.” he put on his signature dirty smirk.

He pulled my panties to the side to reveal my glistening entrance. The blue from his eyes were gone, taken over by a lake of black.

He licked his lips in anticipation. His fingers trailing on my skin, just missing the spot that needs him the most.

My hips bucked up, trying to get his fingers to touch me where I wanted.

He clicked his tongue, telling me to stop.

“I’ll get there baby, just gotta be patient. Okay?” 

“Okay.” I huffed out.

He nodded as his fingers then circled around my clit, sending shocks throughout my body. He brought his free hand to my entrance, putting his middle finger into me.

His finger slowly thrusted in and out of me, as his thumb rubbed at my sensitive bud and switching his hand to rub at my thigh.

“Rafe, add another.” I whispered out.

“You sure?” 

I nodded a yes. He added his ringer finger and I can feel the stretch. The pain stinging as he stilled his fingers to help me adjust to the width. 

“You’re doing so good for me baby. Almost done warming you up.” his voice soft.

He began to thrust his fingers and curling them, hitting that sweet spot in me. The pain was no longer there, more of those sparks were swimming in my veins.

“Oh Rafe!” I whispered loudly, trying to keep quiet.

He pulled his fingers out of me, which resulted in me whining at the sudden loss of contact.

“This is the last time to back out, do you want to do this?” he looked at me with concern, but I was too busy looking at the painful erect cock in his boxers.

He called out my name to get my attention and to make eye contact. He was chuckling at what I was doing, pulled into a trance by his covered boner.

“What'd you say?” my cheeks heated up.

“I asked if you want to do this? You can back out.” he still had a smile on his face.

“I want to do this.” I sat up to give him a peck on his forehead then his lips.

“Then lets make you a sinner.” I took off my panties and he took off his boxers , revealing his tip that was pulsing and red. Pre-cum leaking, the vein on the underside is prominent. 

He used his hand that he used on me to tug at his cock, using my juices and his as lube. He brought his lips down to me, towering over me so my back hit the pillows he laid out for me earlier.

He used his knee to nudge my legs wide open again. He pressed his tip into my entrance, pushing in slowly but watching my face for any reactions.

I whimpered at the stretch of his cock, his fingers are nothing compared to his dick.

“Shhh” his thumb rubbed at my hip. “You’re almost there, okay?”

He brought my palm up to his lips, placing soft pecks.

“Okay.” I breathed out.

With one last push, he was fully in me. This was the fullest I’ve ever been, my fingers have never made me felt this way.

The pain was no longer there, I just felt full of him and eager with the need to get fucked by Rafe.

“Move.” I whispered out.

He quietly chuckled and obeyed, his hips pulling back until only the tip was in me. He quickly pushed back in, his hips were against the back of my thighs. 

“You’re doing so good baby.” he kissed my forehead and he began to thrust slow and passionate. 

He was taking his time, making sure everything was perfect for me. This was better than I imagined.

“You feel so good baby.” he praised into my ear, his sweaty forehead laid against my neck.

“Rafe baby, I’m close.” I whimpered out, my arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders.

He brought a hand between up, his fingers finding that sensitive bundle of nerves once again. He rubbed it in figure 8′s. My eyes began to see stars, my body began to jerk, and I was panting.

I had to be quiet, but my whole body was on fire. My toes curled and my nails dug into his back. 

“Raf-” I moaned out. His free hand covered my mouth as his other was still occupied with my clit.

I clenched down repeatedly and I came, a few more lazy thrusts and he came right behind me. He filled me with him cum, the warmth felt so good with his kisses along my neck.

After we both calmed out, Rafe finally pulled out of me which caused both of us to hiss. I was too tired to get up or even hold myself up. Rafe got off from my bed and walked his way to my bathroom that connected to my room.

I was watching him as he got a towel and ran it under the warm water of my sink. His body still blushed, his sweat glowed under the dim lights of my room, his arm muscles rippled with each movement, his abs sculpted by the Gods. He was perfect.

The perfect loving boyfriend.

He came back to my with the warm towel, cleaning my sensitive bit and ridding me of the mixture of his cum and mine.

He went to my drawer and got a clean pair of panties, putting my legs through them and helping me get ready for bed.

He put on his sweats and brought the blankets over our bodies.

“I love you.” I kissed his nose. His cheeks blushed as his eyes fought the tiredness.

“I love you more.” his strong arms pulled me closer into him as our heartbeats matched and we both fell asleep.

Break Me Slowly|Part 24|Yandere Levi x Evelyn

(A/N: It's crazy to think that chapters running alongside the show are going to end soon since we only have two more episodes of season 4 part 2 and then the two specials, one chapter per special (hopefully). This series really is coming to an end and it's so bitter sweet to be honest. Now that's not to say I'll be done with these two, I have two AUs I plan on making full series' eventually (inspired by your guys' requests actually) as well as oneshots. But there is a sense of completion knowing this series I've wanted to write for years is actually a thing that people can go read and enjoy. Thank you guys for all your support, and there will be a poll shortly to determine the next series we do. Comment to be added to the taglist!)

WARNINGS: noncon, dubcon, manipulation, domestic abuse, yandere themes, forced marriage, forced pregnancy, stockholm syndrome, violence, mind breaking, misogyny, etc.

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Evelyn was unable to meet Levi's gaze the moment they were left alone. Everyone else was planning for their attack on the Jeagerists, forcing the husband and wife into an uncomfortable silence. Or rather, it was Evelyn who found the silence uncomfortable. As per usual Levi didn't find positions like this awkward or tense, in fact he reveled in seeing her squirm. He was sizing her up yet again, waiting for her to screw up and show him all of her true and embarrassing feelings.

"So it seems my wife loves me after all."

"I bet in this state you couldn't stop a blanket from smothering you."

"I have this gut feeling you wouldn't do that."

"You want to try your luck?" Her fists clenched.

He shrugs haphazardly. "Maybe I am."

Her hands tighten around a folded blanket, he always did this, she would find herself getting along with him and seeing him as something more than an asshole and then he pulled this shit. She should do humanity a favor and take every ounce of life from his chest. But she couldn't do it. She couldn't do it.

"You're right. I won't."

"That's what I thought." Levi pauses. "So why did you defend me. You could have spilled your guts and I bet they would have backed you up all the way."

"I told you, I need you. I doubt Reiner has enough money or reputation hidden in the now flattened Marley to raise a child. You have more than I ever could offer, I already told you all of this though. Is there a need to keep bringing it up besides to torment me?"

"Maybe I enjoy tormenting you. After the shit you've put me through you could use a taste of your own medicine."

"After all I put you through huh. Listen Levi, we don't have to like each other, we just have to get along. For our child's sake."

"How long did you know before you told me. You never said."

"They had me take a test in Marley, wanting to make sure they didn't have more problems to deal with I guess They told me right after."

"And you didn't think to tell me sooner?"

"Cleaning up a body didn't seem an appropriate time dear."

"That's the other thing I can't wrap my head around. You've killed, but only long after you witnessed me do the same thing. Why didn't you use that as your ticket out."

"I don't know. Part of me almost felt a sense of safety, as sick as that sounds. I knew that no matter what you'd be able to protect me from someone worse than you. And then when things got too much-" She sighs. "I see why you do what you do. All my stress, gone. That's all it took."

"It seems I was right about a lot of things."

"Hm." She doesn't give a full answer, but there would be time for that eventually.

"Evelyn, are you ready?" Mikasa breaks their silence, it was up to Evelyn to try and convince Floch to let out the mechanics. Since in the Jeagerists' minds she helped start The Rumbling they trusted her. She was almost as respected as Eren himself. This would be it, this would be her moment, finally she wouldn't be a coward.

"Ready." She stands, glancing back at Levi and pressing a kiss to his lips. "I'll be back soon." She brushes a hand through his hair before following Mikasa.

As the two rejoin the others Mikasa glances at Evelyn out of the corner of her eye. "You two seem to be on good terms."

"Hm? It's nothing."

They go into a brief silence before Mikasa breaks it. "I know you're my superior, but you've been there for all of us, you know we're here for you too."

Smiles had become rare to Evelyn's face as of late, but now she shows one. She cared for these Scouts like they were her children. "I know Mikasa. Listen, when this is all over I'll invite everyone over and we can all catch up, okay? I know I've been missing in action lately, but I promise I'll make it up to you guys."

Mikasa doesn't return her smile but nods approvingly. "Eren too?"

"Eren too."

==============================================

Evelyn never really learned how to handle her nerves, Levi could look death in the face and never bat an eye but she wasn't so strong. She was human. So the thought of facing Floch and trying to sell this lie was terrifying. How Reiner and Annie could go for years getting people to believe their stories she didn't know. But if she made it out of this she'd surely see them in a new light.

She was permitted to enter without question, everyone wondering how on earth she had survived the Cart Titan and where she had been. Relief flashed the faces of those so deluded into thinking what Eren was doing was morally acceptable. The sight twisted her stomach with guilt.

Floch had never looked so smug, like he was king of the world lording power over the Azumabitos. With the way he eyed her now her suspicions seemed a bit more founded, part of her wondered if Floch had it in his mind that they could become an item, not out of romantic feelings but pure political gain. After all, he believed Levi was dead and surely he wanted a way to secure his rightful place at Eren's side. Unfortunately for him, she found him revolting.

"What happened to you? We all saw you get eaten by the Cart, we're so happy you're alive." He hugs her, and she has to fight back the urge to cringe, Floch always described himself as a "nice guy" and Evelyn had come to learn that anyone who described themselves as nice were never all that nice.

"The Cart and Armoured believed that I was still on their side but had been kidnapped. They were trying to rescue me, but when I told them the truth of my allegiance they fled, which way they went I'm not sure. They took me to the middle of no where and I had to walk back, I was too exhausted to transform so I was stuck on foot." She felt a slight relief when he released her, greatly unappreciative of him believing he could take liberties with invading her personal space.

"Well you're safe now." He turns away and to the Azumabito engineers. "To catch you up, we've purged the enemies of Eldia, and I was just about to do so with these foreigners."

"What happened to Commander Erwin?"

"He's still alive, he'll draw Hange out of her hiding spot, but he's secured enough that she'll have a hell of time getting him out. And once we have her too and confirm Levi's death both of those traitors will join them."

"Very efficient Floch." She forces her tone to remain even.

Floch nods in appreciation and raises the barrel of the gun to Kiyomi Azumabito's head, just before Evelyn steps in to stop him Armin's voice comes from outside, mercifully making Floch step back.

Catching Kiyomi's eye Evelyn offers a subtle wink to let her know that the situation is under control, but whether she understood or not was something she couldn't worry about right now.

Armin explains their fabricated scenario regarding the Cart and Armoured Titan, urging Floch to take action and release the engineers before running off to secure the boat.

Floch steps back and seems to hesitate, unsure of whether to believe Armin or not.

"What are you doing Floch, you heard him we have no time to lose!" Evelyn prayed her fake panic sounded convincing enough.

"Something just isn't adding up."

"Like what-" She hid her hands behind her back so he wouldn't see how they trembled.

"The locomotive is the fastest way to get here and yet they came on horseback knowing the Cart was ahead of them. Why would they do that...?"

"Maybe they just panicked?" She offers sheepishly.

"Armin would never panic." He paces back and forth, thinking, drawing out the sweat on Evelyn's forehead as she prayed he would stop questioning it and let them come down. "My gut tells me this is trouble, so it's time to nip some buds." He poised his gun at the head of Kiyomi's head, forcing Evelyn into action.

Shots fired as she pushed him down. He was big than she was but growing up in the Underground where you learned how to hold your own against grown men as a child he was no challenge at all. Other soldiers rushed into the room to see what they problem was, guns trained on Evelyn but hesitant to fire.

"Idiots, quit standing there and blow her away!"

Before they had an opportunity to follow through on these orders Mikasa crashed through the window, stunning the soldiers and throwing them to the ground like ragdolls, her timing couldn't have been more perfect.

"Kiyomi run!"

The sudden movement of the Azumabitos fleeing to safety caused Evelyn to lose her focus momentarily, which proved to be a fatal mistake.

Using his gear, Floch propelled himself out from under her and through the already broken window, swinging high above the building.

"We're under attack! Mikasa, Evelyn, Connie and Armin have switched sides! They've betrayed Eldia! Kill them!"

It seemed the entire base froze still, former comrades unable to believe what they had just heard. But they quickly sprung into action, firing on their former friends, determined to wipe them out for the good of humanity.

Mikasa and Evelyn switched into gear, leading the engineers to safety and away from the reign of bullets. The basement would be the safest until Reiner and Annie could get the port under control.

The plan had failed.

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The engineers safely in the capable hands of Hange, Jean and Magath, Evelyn and Mikasa focused their efforts one protecting those boarding the ship. Slaughtering Jeagerists, too many Jeagerists. Too many friends. All cut down because of greed.

The Titans in play taking too much damage to the the thunder spears, she had to do something. Without the Titans they'd never win this fight, she had to act now.

Without a second thought she dived off the building, biting deep down into her wrist, light surrounding her as the familiar body built around her.

Evelyn rarely used her Titan, afraid of the damage she could accidentally cause to innocents, but now wasn't the time for caution and morality. It was the time for action.

This was it was easier, swatting down those she used to command and fight alongside was easier when it was from this distance. Their faces weren't as close, she could see into their eyes as the life faded from them. A hailstorm of bullets and thunder spears reigned down on her, she was taking damage and fast. There was a chance she could die here, there was no Levi to save her. But it was worth it, it was all worth it to atone for the deaths she had caused.

When all hope seemed to be lost they rallied, slaying all those who opposed them and filling the sea with blood. What felt like an eternity passed before they were given the signal to board the ship. Never was she so relieved to leave that wretched body she had been cursed with.

When they finally sailed off she could breathe a sigh of relief. She felt like a slight bit of her guilt left, she wasn't as much of a horrid monster that she had been hours before. Maybe there was redemption for her cowardice after all.

Paradis faded into the distance, their send off a display of fire and light due to Magath's brave sacrifice. So many had given their hearts and souls because of her mistakes, but she would avenge them, she would avenge all of them.

She would pay for her sins, their sacrifices would not be in vain.

𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 (𝘱𝘵.1)

Some decisions are irreversible. (Thoma x GN Reader)

ᴺᴼᵂ ᴾᴸᴬᵞᴵᴺᴳ : Golden Hour- JVKE

↺ ᴿᴱᴾᴱᴬᵀ ‖ ᴾᴬᵁˢᴱ ≫ ᴺᴱˣᵀ ˢᴼᴺᴳ

Word Count: 0.79k

Content warnings: none

Author's notes: Hello!! I am back to writing after a very stressful and disappointing exam season. I hope you enjoy this short piece, part 2 will be uploaded hopefully within the next week or two. Not proof read btw

The visions hunt decree seemed to have an impact on the Nation Of Eternity. Many had lost their lives, and some even suffered a relatively worse fate than that. You had seen countless people’s visions taken from them, and the lifelessness in their eyes were like knives through your heart. Citizens cowered in fear daily, praying that they weren’t next.

“Love, I’m going out to get some groceries, do you want to come?” Your lover called from the living room, ready to head out of the door. You declined with a smile, explaining that you still had a few assignments / reports to finish up. Scribbling away on the piece of parchment, a sudden sinking feeling settled in the bottom of your stomach. You ignored it, brushing it off as a side effect of eating too much hotpot yesterday, even though you usually didn’t experience this.

The gradual increase in the sounds of rain prompted you to halt your work for awhile, instead opting to take a break by eating a snack. The world outside the window seemed to blur as you spaced out, mindlessly munching on the snack you chose. Subconscious thoughts about Thoma also managed to drift into your mind. “I wonder if he’s already finished”. Realising this, you smiled to yourself. “He somehow manages to appear in my mind even in his absence.” You must have saved the world in your previous life to deserve a boyfriend like him. Just as you were getting lost in your thoughts, there was a sudden, sharp knock at your door. You weren’t expecting any visitors today, were you? “Maybe Thoma came back early” you thought, making your way towards the front door, expecting to see your blond lover outside with hands filled with groceries and a bright smile on his face. Instead, your heart dropped to your feet when your eyes met the ones of a shogunate infantry. Three of them, to be more precise.

“Excuse me, is there something wrong?” you were thankful that your voice came out steady, successfully masking your nervousness. Anxiety levels shot up to the roof when the one in the middle pulled out a piece of parchment, which you assumed was not going to lead to something good. “Under the vision hunt decree, we are here to seize Thoma’s pyro vision.” No. This couldn’t be happening. You’ve seen how those people who got their vision seized turned out. The joy and liveliness in their eyes that were once prominent and noticeable fizzled out like a dying spark. The change may not seem so drastic to people who have only heard of what it’s like, but to those who have witnessed their loved ones go through this… you couldn’t let this happen to Thoma. You would much rather sacrifice yourself for him ten to watch him turn into an empty shell of what he was before. That was when it hit you.

“This is not a request, (mr / miss / mx) -” the infantry’s booming voice was abruptly interrupted by your own. “I-I’ll hand over my vision instead.” barely choking the words out, you still managed to look them straight in the eye. The three men glanced at each other. After a painfully long silence, one of them said, “I guess that would be fine.” With trembling but sure hands, you unclasped the vision from your body and placed it into the hands of the infantry. When the whole ordeal was finally done and over with, you shut the door with a bang and slid onto the floor. Now self-doubting thoughts were swirling around in your head, "Was it really worth it?" "Yes. It was." you had to verbally affirm yourself to believe it. Just then, there was a knock at the door again. Did the infantries come back, demanding Thoma’s vision instead of yours? Meekly prying open the door to peek, you were relieved to see the emerald green eyes of your lover. “You’re back” “I’m happy to see you too, ___. Although you look slightly fatigued. Did something happen? Was your workload particularly heavy today?” Ah. How were you going to tell him?

Tensing up, you led him to the sofa without a word, gesturing for him to sit down beside you. The way you fidgeted with your hands with a distressed expression alerted Thoma that something was not quite right. Something happened while he was getting groceries. While you were determining how to break the news to him, his eyes scanned your figure to see if he could find any physical signs that would give him a clue as to what had occurred. His eyes widened when he noticed that your vision was not attached to your body.

“Sunshine, where did your vision go…?”

Michael Vlamis breaks down his character Michael's newfound happiness, the season’s new alien threats, and the season and series finale.

Life is never quiet on Roswell, New Mexico. Max (Nathan Parsons), his extraterrestrial siblings, Isobel (Lily Cowles) and Michael (Michael Vlamis), and their human friends had only barely begun picking up the pieces after defeating Max's evil Doppelganger, Jones. For Michael, that meant finally moving in with his boyfriend, Alex (Tyler Blackburn).

Beginning in Season 1, their romance has been on and off again, but last year the two seemed more connected and committed to each than ever. Michael had his doubts and felt slightly out of place, but he quickly came to terms with any reservations. New aliens in Roswell, ones with ties to Jones, could throw a wrench into their blissful existence for both Michael and Alex. CBR recently spoke with Vlamis about Michael's personal demons, life with Alex, becoming a mole, and the series' cancellation.

CBR: Going into this season, do you feel Michael is in a better place than he's ever been before?

Michael Vlamis: I do feel that way, yes. One thousand percent. It's funny that you ask that because I felt that way as an actor going in. You know how, in your life, you think everything is good, and then you are challenged with something and then immediately are like, "Oh my god. I still need to be working on this. I am not ready." That is exactly what happens to him in Episode 1.

It continues in Episode 2, and it will continue through the season, but, yeah, Michael is in the best place he's ever been in. That doesn't mean he's perfect. He's still clearly dealing with some of these deep feelings from being a kid, of being abandoned or not having the love he deserved. So, I would say he's the best he's ever been, but he has a long road ahead.

In this season's premiere, the town witnessed a wild light show in the sky. How concerned is Michael about this phenomenon?

Oh, I think he's extremely concerned, but maybe not for the same reason that some of the other characters are. For instance, Max right now is going after these bank robbers. [He] and Cameron think they might be alien. When they see that acid rain or whatever the heck it is, they are thinking, "OK, it is alien," and they are connecting it to these bank robbers and that this is a bad thing. When Michael sees that, he's like, "Oh my god. Are there other people like me, where I can go figure out where I am actually from and who my family is, or my home was?" He's intrigued by it, actually.

Michael steps up as the science geek. In what ways does he contribute to the investigation of the lights, dubbed "St. Elmo's Fire"?

He spent so much of his life trying to figure out a way to go home. Liz is the full-blown, science-honored nerd, but Michael Guerin is that closet nerd, in a way. He's the guy that has been tinkering with toys for many years. He has a lot to offer because he understands the alien tech of it all. The alien investigation is very important for him to be helping out because he knows the alien tech almost better than anyone else. By now, we have an alien doctor. Liz understands it very well. At the same time, I don't think there is anybody who spent enough time with it, especially the machinery, the consoles, and things like that than Michael. That will come into play as the season progresses.

His romantic human partner, Alex, offers to pitch in. Why does Michael resist?

Michael resists because Alex is one person to trust. The whole organization, no matter if you trust a few people in it... You are going to tell me this kid, who spent his whole life wondering about home, isn't going to be precious over something that could tell him more about his home and who he is? More and more people know about these aliens in Roswell. At the same time, there are a lot of people who don't. He still has trust issues deep down. Those are hard to get rid of, but he does trust Alex. We see that come full circle in the episode.

Michael and Alex now live together. What were your thoughts on that domestic development?

I thought it was amazing. I thought it was really fun how they worked in Dallas' character and showing how hesitant Michael was at the beginning. I did believe it was perfect timing. We have a very mature relationship in the show now, and we started the most immature. That has been one of the fun things to play. The growth of our characters and our journeys... I know fans want us together more. In previous seasons, they wanted more of us. It's a long road that is going to take us to a beautiful end of the season, I will say that.

The couple has been shipped as "Malex." How protective are you of the relationship?

I haven't had to be protective. I have never had anyone talking trash on it. If someone was talking trash on it, I would be very upset. So, yes, I guess I am protective over it. If someone was trying to dog what we were doing, then they have way bigger issues than a conversation that I am going to have with them is going to fix. It's going to take many, many conversations and them to do the work.

At the same time, I'm very fortunate to be around a lot of open-minded people who recognize what is going on in the show and aren't judging others for who they love. You forget sometimes that there are still people out there who judge, but I am surrounded by such beautiful people, especially in the entertainment industry. Everyone is so open and welcoming and understanding.

The show is the best thing I have ever been a part of. Malex is the best relationship I have ever been a part of. I haven't been a part of many on television, but I have done several movies. I have written my own stories. I directed my first movie this past year. This is the relationship that speaks the most to people who need a voice. As a person who is only involved in this community through the character I play, I feel even more involved in it than maybe I should. The fans seem to want me to be, and they seem to encourage me to be, and I am proud to do it.

Michael has been busy with his bugs. He has this relationship with Alex on his plate. Jones' contingency plan is still on the loose. What can you tease about what is on the horizon for Michael and the series?

I can definitely tease that Michael Guerin is very intrigued that there are other aliens, and he's going to infiltrate because everyone is trying to figure out why they are here and what is going on. Michael Guerin might fall a little deeper than he expects to fall. He is going to have to fight with that. It's like the mole. "The mole goes in. Good luck."

Unfortunately, this is Roswell's final season. How did you take that news?

You know what? Without giving anything away, there are still some cliffhangers, but storylines are wrapped in such a beautiful way that while we were shooting it, I almost felt like if this happens to be the end, I was pretty content with how we were leaving things. We could still pick up and tell a million more stories, but at the same time, our characters are in such a beautiful place. That doesn't mean there isn't any drama anymore, but it does mean there is a lot of resolution for our characters. I haven't watched it yet, but remembering it, I did feel at peace. We are leaving the show at something that the fans will be happy about, but, yeah, at least one more season of playing Guerin would have been really nice.

At the same time, we just had four years together in Santa Fe. We did everything we could. We had the best times, the best laughs... on- and off-screen. I look at it as I look at everything in my life... as an opportunity. When one opportunity ends, more opportunities come. I just had four years of school, basically, of learning and creating new friendships. I am in a place where it would have been nice to have some more, but it's OK that it's over. I am not sad that it's over. I'm happy that it happened.

Of Devoted Creation

AO3 Link

Pre-Canon / no season 2 spoilers

they/them pronouns being used for Aziraphale, and she/her for pre-fall Crowley

Length: 2.5k

⋆ ✩₊˚ ʚ♡ɞ ˚₊✩⋆

As ether became incandescent stars under the fascinated eyes of two angels, another creation was born within the Cherubim as they gazed upon the nebula, safely nestled under the wing of the Seraphim beside them.

The Cherubim called themself Aziraphale, helper of the damned, although they do not know it yet, as She had named and appointed them. The Seraphim, on the other hand, bore a name she would soon forsake and thus has no interest in being used presently.

“So, you were saying you were designing people?” the Seraphim asked eventually once the meteor shower settled and her own ire at the idea of her creation being destroyed died down enough. She lowered her wing, gentle brown eyes falling upon the younger angel who perked up.

“Oh! Yes!” Aziraphale exclaimed, hands already going wild at the prospect of explaining. “It is still a work of progress of course, not as… not as beautiful and grand as your stars.”

“Nonsense!” she laughed, grabbing Aziraphale’s hands. “Everything we create is beautiful, whether big or small, as long as the thought counts.”

(She smiled upon hearing the Seraphim, and it almost made Her ache for the painful path She already had laid down before her to take.)

Aziraphale breathed in, smiling. “You’re right.”

“Of course I am. So?” She tilted her head slightly, her auburn curls bouncing ever so slightly above her head. Aziraphale found themself briefly distracted before they started on a thorough explanation of the project they and other angels had been tasked with.

They talked of creating small, very small beings, vaguely shaped to the angels’ image, only deprived of wings for their legs would be made to travel and discover. They explained they would only live for under a century, which confused greatly the Seraphim.

“But that is so short!” she exclaimed, concerned all over again.

“Oh, yes, but they would age, see? They would not experience Time the way we do.”

“Age?”

Aziraphale nodded. “As Time goes on, their bodies would… grow tired, let’s say? But before that, they would be able to create other people themselves through this whole breeding thing, see? And so the cycle continues and shall always renew itself each generation. The Almighty wishes to see what such ephemeral beings are capable of creating on this Earth, together. We have the design and concept ready but still have lots to do.”

“I see,” the other angel mused. “That ought to be interesting, I cannot wait to witness your own creation as well, then.”

“I would be honoured to show you the way you’ve allowed me to assist you with your nebula,” Aziraphale excitedly replied, wings flaring up.

(God sighed to Herself. She knew these two angels would not be able to witness the birth of humanity together. But at the very least, She will allow them to be the reason humanity can truly exist.)

“Should you go back to that, then?” the Seraphim inquired.

And indeed the Cherubim was needed in Heaven. Quite scared of Archangel Gabriel's possible wrath, they flew away with an apology, gone in the blink of an eye.

The Seraphim turned back to her beloved nebula and sighed.

“I hope that angel was mistaken and you won't disappear in six thousand years already. I really hope it was all just rumours.”

(God smiled knowingly. It was only a lie, for the next set of events to occur in the name of a feeling that hasn't been named yet, but will be soon.)

⋆ ✩₊˚ ʚ♡ɞ ˚₊✩⋆

Upon their return to Heaven, Aziraphale was immediately grabbed by the Archangel Gabriel and pulled aside.

“There you are!” he exclaimed with false delight and a warning in his eyes. “We’ve been looking for you.”

“I– I apologise, see, um Seraphim—”

“Ah, no bother,” Gabriel interrupted them, waving a hand, “The prototypes for humans are almost ready but we’re encountering an issue with how they behave. The Almighty thus asked us to create Emotions.”

“Emotions?” Aziraphale repeated, intrigued.

“Indeed. So chop chop, you’ve got work to do.”

And so the lone Cherubim got to work. They gathered around the approved concepts the others had already worked on while they were helping with the nebula. Death, Hunger, Slumber, Envy, Anger, Pride, Cupidity, Lust… The Cherubim pondered over them; apart from Death, they were listed under the Seven Deadly Sins. Pillars to judge them once their life ends. They will be considered basic sins only if indulged in excess. Aziraphale pouted, finger tracing over the word Lust as the angel who worked on it wrote an explanation — Lust would be the deciding factor that would lead to breeding (there was another annotation there that went more in detail over the concept but Aziraphale brushed over it) and thus procreation and lead to a new generation of humans. However, would it include all humans? They wondered. Would the only goal of this intimacy really be procreation after all? It felt like something else was missing, they were not quite sure what.

(She smiled at Her gentlest angel, always worrying about everyone being included, that is why they would become the best of them, eventually, once they grow and embody the Emotion they will soon create.)

Aziraphale walked around Heaven and asked their fellow angels about their progress on the Emotions. Cassiel was workshopping Sadness, she told them with tears gathered in her eyes; she bottled them and gave one to Aziraphale. Jophiel started on Wisdom, he told them with a proud air, holding one of God’s scriptures, and Aziraphale simply took notes. Amitiel held Honesty gently in their hands as they shared a part of it with Aziraphale and Aziraphale gladly accepted the piece with a smile. Armaros, standing next to the two angels, scoffed as she showed her concept, Deceit, in direct opposition to Amitiel’s creation and Aziraphale swiftly walked away before they started arguing. Camael grabbed Aziraphale with an ardour to show them Courage, which Aziraphale took a piece of as well when offered. Phanuel also came to Aziraphale, handing them Hope to look after while they worked on other Emotions. And with that last one, Aziraphale decided it was time to work on their own.

The gentlest of angels laid out the pieces of Emotions before them and carefully set Hope down in a corner of the table. They took Sadness’ tears and created Passion, fiddled with Honesty to create Fidelity and took the pieces of Deceit that had stuck to their robe to turn into Self-Preservation, and finally, with the hint of Wisdom Aziraphale had written down, they made Curiosity.

Four new Emotions were presently created, inspired by their brethren's work, but it wasn't enough, Aziraphale thought, something was missing, something that is really their own. They shrugged for now and gathered the Emotions to deliver to Gabriel.

“A job well done, Aziraphale,” he said, sincerity dripping from his mouth for once as he took the Emotions into his arms. Aziraphale glowed at the praise.

(It would be their downfall, She thought, not literally like the other angel but Her gentlest angel would always be weak when faced with kindness, especially of deceitful kind.)

“Will that be enough?” Aziraphale asked.

Gabriel regarded them with surprise. “Do you have anything more?” And the surprise was justified in a sense, Aziraphale, as gentle as they were, never were known for their studious work. They tended to get distracted rather easily.

The Cherubim made a moue. “Perhaps.”

“Then the result I shall see soon, mm?” Gabriel said.

And so Aziraphale went back to their cell, where they had kept tiny pieces of their Emotions scattered across their desk, as well as a sprinkle of Hope still sticking to the table. Aziraphale gathered them together and then closed their eyes, focusing on the ethereal warmth the Emotions provided. It did not quite match what they had experienced when looking at the nebula with the other angel.

They tried to picture the moment once more. They thought of glorious stars, of her laughter, of the feeling of their wings brushing together, and reminisced the way they kept flying around, hoping to get noticed until they were. Unconsciously, they reached within themself with one hand and pulled ether from the other before their eyes flew open as they brought their hands together over the pieces for a new Emotion to be brought to creation. Aziraphale breathed in, staring at it.

LOVE.

The angel reached for it, it was light yet heavy, warm, precious, fragile. They were already reluctant to part from it, their precious creation, suddenly, they quite understood why the Seraphim was so distraught at the idea of her stars being destroyed one day. Aziraphale held LOVE closer.

They hoped humans would appreciate their gift to them.

(Unbeknownst to them, LOVE would benefit not only humanity but also celestial beings. She will gather LOVE and sprinkle it over Earth, Heaven and a third place that is yet to be created. But Aziraphale? Aziraphale already held LOVE in their heart from the start, one She did not give them either and one they grew themself at the sight of a certain Seraphim.)

Aziraphale sought out Gabriel afterwards but found another angel instead. They stopped in their steps as the familiar Seraphim with auburn hair flew right to their face.

“Aziraphale, hello!”

Aziraphale blinked. “Oh, hello again. Are you done with the stars?”

“Oh, that.” She waved a hand, looking rather conflicted. “Not quite, we have the rest of the galaxy to map out but I am taking a break.” She cleared her throat. “Anyhow, I wanted to see the progress on “people” but I see you’re holding something peculiar.”

“Ah! Indeed, it is an Emotion I just created for humans, would you like to see it?”

“I’ve shown you my nebula, it is only fair,” she smiled.

And so, with the Emotion gently cradled between their palms, Aziraphale showed LOVE to her, the Emotion beating softly in front of their eager eyes. The Seraphim gasped, eyes lighting up with delight as if washed over by LOVE itself.

(God smiled knowingly when gazing down at them. She knew her creations loved Her, that is how their devotion took form, however this LOVE? It was different, much tender, much personal and between these two angels, She was witnessing the creation of the first-ever love story.

Well, not quite yet. Only one side of the pair was loved for now but soon… soon.)

“It’s beautiful, Aziraphale,” she praises. “It shines like a star.”

“It… it does indeed,” Aziraphale replied, looking down in wonder at the Emotion. LOVE clung to their fingertips, bathing them in golden light. They were inspired by her, after all. “Would you like a piece?”

“Oh, I couldn’t!” she protested. “It must remain whole for the humans, surely.”

Aziraphale didn’t exactly understand why, but disappointment filled their heart. “Well, that is true.”

“Well then, I shall go,” the Seraphim announced. “Would you happen to know where the Metatron might be?”

Aziraphale frowned, a sense of dread settling in. “Angels like me don’t typically encounter him, no… Are you still… thinking of…?”

“Asking questions? Of course! Wouldn’t you want to know the reason why your LOVE might get destroyed someday?”

“I… I suppose I would,” Aziraphale agreed, holding LOVE ever closer to the point of almost putting it back in their heart. “But please do be careful?”

“You’re cute for worrying,” she chuckled, reaching forward to ruffle the Cherubim’s hair. “It’s only a simple inquiry.”

With that awfully wrong statement, she flew away. Aziraphale turned around to watch her go, noting the way her wings had turned a darker tint of grey and the way her auburn curls were falling behind her back, unkept, unruly.

It would be the last time Aziraphale would see her before everything Fell apart.

⋆ ✩₊˚ ʚ♡ɞ ˚₊✩⋆

God held LOVE in Her palm when She cast the angels down, so Lucifer could grab a handful and turn it into HATE to fuel the fight and subsequent constant rivalry between Heaven and Hell that will last for thousands of years. For the first years or so, She watched as Her fallen angels built a place to call their own and waited patiently until they were ready. She watched as the bright Seraphim who created the stars tore the remaining white feathers off her wings herself and took on the name Crawley because of the scales now scattered across her body. Then, she was tasked by Lucifer, now Satan, to mess with the very Earth her stars were mere decoration for.

Divine retribution, they called the plan.

But She knew. She knew Crawley, unbeknownst to her, inhaled some of Aziraphale’s LOVE when they showed the Emotion to her and that even after the Fall, just like the stardust still clinging to her feathers, LOVE became an inherent part of her and she will live her existence burning for it until her heart would be safe in the hands of another.

A long journey awaited her first.

Now, Eden lay in front of Her. She ignored the hissing at Her feet as She grew the Apple Tree and induced the fruit with Jophiel’s Wisdom and Phanuel’s Hope, with Cassiel’s tears, She made rivers and waterfalls, and with Camuel’s Courage, She made the plants grow taller and more vibrant. And with Aziraphale’s LOVE…

She assigned Phanuel to the northern gate, Cassiel to the western, Camuel to the southern and finally, Her gentlest angel to the eastern one.

She walked slowly towards Aziraphale who dutifully held the flaming sword She had given them with a strong grip. They will not keep it, they will give it away in the name of LOVE and kindness in seven days, that She knew. She will then ask them where they put it and it will be one of the last times She would ever talk to one of Her creations.

“Aziraphale,” She called. The angel looked at Her with eager but careful eyes. “Never forget the gift you’ve given humanity.”

They looked confused but nodded anyhow.

She smiled. “Keep it in your heart for all beings you come across, will you, my dear?”

They didn't know it yet, but this order would be the reason for their many heartbreaks and doubts to come and ironically one of the only orders they received from Her they will follow obediently until the end of time.

And beyond that.

335: How to Savor Staying Home During the Summer Holiday, 17 Ideas

Of all summers, the summer of 2022 understandably beckons us to travel, explore and leave our homes and the towns and cities we have been staying close to for nearly three years due to the pandemic. Perhaps even our homes want us to leave so it can have a breather from us!

However at the same time, with demand high, prices for travel fare are driven ever higher as well, so it may not be in the budget to travel during the summer season, or simply it just may not be of interest to travel as it indeed will be busy, at times chaotic and even stressful which negates the purpose that most of us align with traveling for a holiday.

With all of that said, if you have chosen to stay put this summer, just as I have, I wanted to share ideas for savoring this time of year at home and in your home town wherever that might be. After all, we spend the majority of our lives in our abodes and in the town where our home address is found, there is most definitely a reason we remain, and hopefully a reason founded in appreciation for where we have the good fortune to call home, so let's explore how to make it even more special.

1.Permit yourself the luxuries during the summer season you discipline yourself from when working

If you are spending your vacation time at home, be intentional about permitting yourself to wake up when you are ready (put away the alarm clock), take a nap if it calls you to do so, make your favorite meal, say yes or no as you please to invitations and opportunities - only partaking if you truly want to. Create rituals that you love and enjoy them throughout your vacation at home.

2. Turn off your phone or limit who you let contact you

To immerse yourself in the mindset of being on holiday while staying home, remind yourself that part of getting away is to be less available. Set clear boundaries for a week or two, however long your holiday at home will be, as to whose calls you will take, what messages you will respond to and how often and when you will check your email. In other words, let yourself be free from being requested, needed, and required to do anything that does not let you wholly relax. Do not feel guilty about this. You need time to just be and do as you are drawn in order to reap the benefits of what a holiday is all about.

3. Tend to a garden and revel in the beauty that comes forth

As the temperatures rise, when you are home, you can easily ensure the garden is watered well and regularly, whether you have plants in the ground or in pots. And it is during the summer months that the work in the garden decreases and time spent outside luxuriating in the beauty that begins to share itself is a priceless, evanescent treat. Knowing such beauty only lasts for a short period of time makes it all the more special. Seeing the butterflies dance about from flower to flower, witnessing the cherries ripen into their ruby red splendor in a blink of an eye it seems as July arrives, and waking up to blackberries blossoms nearing their transformation into fruits to nibble on are moments that can only be savored in summer, making it all the more difficult to ever want to travel during these precious warm months.

With my schedule now my own as I work from home, no longer having to only have my summers off as was the case when I was teaching, I am looking at the calendar and considering when would the best time be for me to travel, and I must say, because I love to savor the garden that receives so much planning and preparation during winter and spring, it will be hard to travel during the summer months as the years unfold. The garden during the summer is less in need of attention, and is now more a space to relax and savor the hard work you have given to it. With each year's passing, the garden matures and begins to present the vision you had in your mind, but it takes time, so most definitely, spending time in the garden is a highlight for me when I choose to stay home during the summer months.

4. Create an outdoor area to relax

While for half of the year in Bend, it is too cold to sit outside on the porch without a coat and other bundling accessories, the other half of the year is pure bliss outside, so I have intentionally created three (and hopefully in the future will add a fourth) outdoor areas that invite me or my guests to relax, slow down and just savor the natural beauty not only of the garden, but of the beautiful weather and long summer days.

Perhaps you have a porch where you can add a swing?, or is there a nook where you can add an Adirondack and foot rest to while away hours reading in the shade whilst the birdsong fills the air? Add a small bistro table and chairs to enjoy dining al fresco, or add a lounge chair or settee upholstered with outdoor fabric to withstand the sun and elements and relax in true comfort (and maybe close your eyes for a bit and take a nap).

7 Ideas for a Porch Swing Living Space for Luxurious Calm

~explore becoming a TOP Tier Member to take the tour of rooms, indoor and out, at Le Papillon~

5. Explore new recipes in your kitchen after visiting the local farmers' market

With open-air markets in full swing, the fresh seasonal produce is abundant and invites us to try making a dish we may have never given a go in our own kitchen. Find a cookbook that shares recipes aligned with each season (I have shared a few below), and find a recipe for the produce you find at the market. Give yourself permission to invest in necessary ingredients to make the dish what it has the potential to be, and then have fun bringing it to your dinner table (or dine alfresco under the lights).

Seasonal Cookbooks I recommend:

The Home Cookbook by Monty and Sarah Don (2010), look for it on consignment book sites as well. I found mine for $20 (this included shipping) from World of Books

Nigel Slater's cookbooks:

Greenfeast: Spring, Summer

The Kitchen Diaries: A Year in the Kitchen with Nigel Slater

Notes from the Larder: Kitchen Diary with Recipes

Herbs: Delicious Recipes and Growing Tips to Transform Your Food by Judith Hann

Six Seasons: A New Way with Vegetables by Joshua McFadden

Cooking in Season: 100 Recipes for Eating Fresh by Brigit Binns (c/o Williams-Sonoma)

Local Dirt: Recipes for Eating Close to Home by Andrea Bemis

6. Pick up the weekly or summer entertainment guide for your town/city

Here in Bend the summertime offerings have returned and the entertainment is aplenty and then some. From concerts in the amphitheater, events downtown, multiple farmers' markets now open, trails to hike and high lakes and rivers to explore with the paddle or kayak. Whatever you most enjoy, let yourself do so. Take your low-back chair and find a spot at the concert of the performer who is coming to your hometown. Revel in the opportunities right at your doorstep and partake. Even if you have to go alone, which I often do to the concerts at the amphitheater here in Bend, you know your hometown, you will likely run into acquaintances or people you know and discover you have something else in common - the same preference in music!

7. Watch a movie outdoors in your garden or lawn

Perhaps inspired a bit by Home Again starring Reese Witherspoon, but it really is as simple as draping a light-colored sheet over a line strung from two parallel points, purchase a simple projector to connect to your laptop or tablet and enjoy sprawled on the grass or in your lounge furniture, sipping a glass of wine, and nibbling on something scrumptious and fresh. Just remember to be mindful of the sound/volume and your neighbors.

Outdoor portable projectors:

PortoProjector (less than $100)

GooDee Projector (less than $200)

Here is a review list of the top Outdoor Projectors from PCMag

List from Good Housekeeping for Best Outdoor Projectors 2022

8. Enjoy breakfast and/or dinner al fresco regularly

9. Explore the many parks and walking areas in your town/city

10. Give yourself permission to slow down and take time to just be, regularly

Especially when it is hot outside, let yourself relax somewhere cool without feeling the need to be doing something. If you take a nap, let it happen, and let yourself rest.

11. Host a garden party, small and intimate or large

Whether for aperitif or a full meal complete with courses, invite friends and/or neighbors to enjoy an evening in your garden and outdoor spaces.

12. Find the water and enjoy it how you want

Depending upon where you live, the type of water you have access to will vary. Here in Bend, we are fortunate to have rivers, lakes, swimming recreational centers and even a white water surfing park. As many readers of TSLL blog know, Norman and I like to stand-up paddle, so during the summer, we try to do so at least once a week at a variety of locations either in town or just out of town on the road toward Mt. Bachelor.

Being close to, in, or on top of water is soothing. If you live near the ocean, take walks, sit on the sand, take a book to read, whatever nurtures you, do so and savor being near water. However, the access to water need not be vast bodies of water. Consider adding a bird bath or a small DIY water feature with a solar generated fountain (find one here for fewer than $20). Simply being near water can be incredibly soothing and calming which again is the essence of going on holiday, to bring a feeling of calm into our lives.

13. Read, read, read to your heart's delight

Often summer gives us more time to read what we want, rather than work materials that while we may enjoy them, are still required reading. While in the summer months what I read doesn't change, it is how much time I have to read that lengthens, and I savor this time, gobbling up more books, which leads to more books, and new authors and titles to explore.

14. Schedule outings to be pampered

If you don't already have regular facials scheduled in your calendar or a regular massage, any self-care pampering that is out of budget to enjoy on a regular basis, schedule your favorites during your holiday at home. This will not only give yourself something to look forward to, but the pampering itself will feel as though you are on vacation.

15. Hire someone to clean your house/car/mow the lawn/etc.

In other words, any have-to chores you don't enjoy, spend the money you may have had to use for travel to have someone tend to your chores so you can fully relax around your home and in your daily routine. I personally look forward to someday hiring lawn-care (mowing and edging) as the noise and jarring to my hands is uncomfortable. Such chores, whatever they are for you, look to delegate them and look at it as buying yourself time to do as you want rather than as you have to.

16. Invest and complete a project in your home to create an even more beckoning sanctuary

The project need not be something you hire a contractor for which would likely take more than the three months during the summer. But whether the project in your home décor is something you can do yourself - painting or wallpapering or swapping out new light fixtures, or giving yourself the bathroom you had always dreamt about, why not explore creating a space in your sanctuary that elevates the comfort you feel when you step into it.

Just this past week, the curtains for my living and dining room were installed. This detail of adding window treatments to the open-plan living spaces immediately transformed the space in my eyes - providing warmth, separation of designated areas and sophistication - softening the light, as well as letting more light in, providing privacy, but also creating more welcome. The image at the top of today's post offers a petite glimpse at the curtains in my dining room, and I look forward to sharing a full video tour in this coming August's A Cuppa Moments video chat with TOP Tier Members as well as sharing a detailed post on the blog for TOP Tier Members in August to source as well as share tips for customizing your own curtains, an investment that for me will be with this home for the lifetime of my residence here at Le Papillon.

Finishing a project that changes the space in your home, creating a different mood from what you felt at the beginning of the summer is a reminder that the advantage of taking time off and staying home during such time that we give ourselves can yield powerful benefits to our daily lives the rest of the year.

17. Add a sartorial detail of preference to your summer capsule wardrobe

When we are planning for a typical holiday getaway, we will often access our wardrobe to see what we need for a comfortable and enjoyable trip. Why not do the similar assessment for your summer holiday at home? What do you need to enjoy spending more time in your garden, wandering the markets, visiting your hometown haunts? Whether it is one item or a handful, doing so will again set the tone that staying home is a choice and doing so whilst feeling good in what you are wearing does make a difference.

~Explore this past week's This & That: July 22, 2022, for Panama hats

Outfit of the Month: Summer Ease

Staying home during the summer holiday season can be thoroughly enjoyable. It begins with a mind-shift to keeping an open mind to explore all of the possibilities and then asks you to shift your habits and approaches to everyday living: doing more of what brings you pleasure and delight and being determined to step away from guilt society or ways you were raised or nurtured drilled into you as wrong. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your well-being; in fact, quite the opposite, and if it begins by just taking a week or two in the summer to permit yourself, perhaps you will notice the benefits it brings into your life and explore ways to integrate what works best for you throughout the entire year.

Wishing you a wonderful holiday. Bon Voyage!

Petit Plaisir

~The Home Cookbook by Monty and Sarah Don

Tune in to the latest episode of The Simple Sophisticate podcast

Better Unsaid

a/n okay this has been all over the place!! it was originally going to be a blurb and darker and closer to smutty (so keep your eyes out for that??? lol), but then I made it softer and the concept got away from me and it got soooo much longer than expected lmao and i still dont love where it ended so maybe part 2?? i have the idea i just dont know lol 

summary: Reader is a princess and Anakin has been her guard during the most public season for the past two years (not the most logical thing but just go with it lol, it gets explained better in the fic) and after a near death experience the two are conveniently forced into a....

ONE BED TROPE ONE BED TROPE *cough cough* ONE BED TROPE WITH ONE PERSON HAVING TO WAKE UP THE OTHER BC THEYRE HAVING A NIGHTMARE,, :)))))))

  --

His smugness is the only thing about him I can consider ‘ugly’. And because I am so desperate to not have feeling for Anakin, the Jedi who has been assigned to protect me through coronation season (which lasts for most of winter), for the last two coronation seasons, I hold onto my distaste for that side of him. Which is why I suppress my laugh as he waits for my reaction with that confident smile. 

“Come on, that was funny.” 

Rolling my eyes, I let myself sit on my bed. I can’t tell if he’s actually funny or if my evening has been so boring that his sense of humor has started to become appealing to me due to comparison. In short, the suitor I was forced to spend an entire evening with lacked personality so much I’m starting to find Anakin funny.

“You’re much more entertaining than this evening’s suitor.” 

Anakin’s expression shifts slightly, his assured grin dropping slightly. “Another miss?” 

“You have no idea.” I relax slightly, taking a moment to be glad that I completed my father’s request and now I can just enjoy the time I have with Anakin. “I know my father’s desperate to make sure my marriage is useful for our people and that he worries about this selection process because he always thought my mother would be here to help, but sometimes I wish he wouldn’t rush it so much. It feels like all he wants me for is to marry me off in exchange of finance or weaponry or something diplomatic.” 

“You’re more than that.” His response is so soft I think I might have missed it if I needed it less. I curse myself for feeling so validated by him. His words shouldn’t mean anything to me. After all, he could easily just be saying that because agreeing with my father will just make me more unpleasant to be around. 

I smile politely while avoiding his eyes. I keep my hands on either side of me, fighting the urge to fidget. “Thank you, Anakin.” My words sound weak in my own ears, so I’m sure he notices my shift in mood. “I’m tired today, I think I’m going to go to bed early.” Normally, I’d be able to shrug off these kinds of things, but the beginning of Coronation Season makes me irritable. The anniversary of my mother’s death hits me harder each year. 

“Y/n.” My name comes out so velvety I can’t find it in myself to interrupt him. “You are more than someone meant to be used as some kind of royal currency, and I mean that as more than just a...friend.” 

I let his last word linger. We’ve tried so many titles that never seem to fit right. He’s the chosen one, one of the most powerful Jedi to exist, and the Jedi assigned to protect me each Coronation Season because that’s when my mother was assassinated. He’s my guard, but we’ve spent too many nights laughing together and talking about everything and anything. And I guess now he’s my friend, even though sometimes when he looks at me in a certain way or sits too close to me or reaches for my hand to guide me somewhere I can’t breathe right. 

“Anakin, you know I love when you’re here, even though sometimes you drive me insane. And I appreciate your kindness, but your words can’t change the truth. That’s how my father sees me and he’s not exactly wrong. I’m not a son, I haven’t been raised to lead an army or lead much, and--” 

“I’ve seen you in meeting after meeting, convention after convention. I’ve witnessed the way you handle real problems and I know how you care about your people. You’d make a great leader, you don’t need a husband to be valuable.” 

My chest swells, feelings I never let myself think about mixing with thoughts of Anakin that I’ve spent so long trying to avoid. “That settles it, you’re my favorite person.” 

He grins, the look warm enough to melt the odd lump in my throat. I fight down a smile as he steps forward. “And I wasn’t before?” 

“I take it back--your head’s big enough without the additional praise.” 

Rolling my eyes, I lean back slightly in order to recreate the distance he so easily destroyed. “And I thought you had finally warmed up to me, princess.” 

The use of my title makes me skeptical. The last time Anakin used it was when he was trying to ease me so that I’d walk around the palace garden so he had an excuse to do the same. It was beyond late and I was half asleep, but he had os much energy he was desperate and just needed to do one more thing. I felt bad that his schedule revolved so heavily around mine (and when he softens his eyes and says please, I’m left incapable of saying the word ‘no’) so I agreed. 

“What do you want?” 

Anakin dramatically clutches a hand over his heart. He throws his head back slightly as if he’s just taken a fatal blow. “When did you turn so cynical? I’ve been back for three days and I’m starting to believe you’re a different person now.” 

Yeah...he’s definitely getting ready to ask for something that’s more trouble than it’s worth. Then again, everything with him seems to be worth it in some capacity. Even if it’s just that one smile he gets when he’s truly content and doesn’t think anyone’s looking. 

“Mhm,” I mumble, still fighting a grin, “so you’re not going to ask me anything?” 

His lips part slightly as he exhales. I watch the way his eyes narrow at my victorious expression. “I don’t have anything to ask of you, but I do have a small request. A request so small you won’t have to do anything but say yes.”

Suspicious. Too easy. “You’re unbelievable.” 

“You just said I was your favorite person. Remember that.” 

I’m too tired for his coyness. I’d rather him make his ridiculous request now so that I can be in bed within the hour. Though I can’t pretend I don’t normally feel better after letting him drag me along on whatever ‘adventure’ he just needed to complete while also not letting me out of his sight. I used to tell him that I wouldn’t tell anyone if I wasn’t under supervision for an hour or two a day, but he dismissed the idea immediately. That’s been the cornerstone of everything. 

“What is it?” 

He sighs once, tilting his head slightly. The way his eyes soften tells me he’s already won at least half the battle. “They still haven’t caught the attempted--” Anakin pauses, something behind his eyes darkening. I know what he’s remembering. Last night, an assassin had gotten closer than they ever had. I had almost been shot in the garden, Anakin had barely pushed me to the ground in time. A fact he’s been beating himself up for since, especially considering that no one has been able to find my attempted killer yet. “They were so close to you. They were within palace limits and they disappeared like they never existed. Who’s to say they don’t work here and are waiting for the next moment you’re exposed? Who’s to say they aren’t here tonight, waiting for me to retire for the night?” 

I didn’t realize how my near death experience had been so personal to him. He, like everyone else, was beyond frantic after it happened. But my father put an end to verbal worry before it could truly begin. He said the best thing we could do was act like everything was fine as the assailant was searched for. Anakin hadn’t been particularly cheery after my father instructed the guards to focus their search on known enemies instead of prioritizing venting the staff closest to me. I comforted him as best as I could, but he didn’t feel like speaking about it and I had to worry about the suitor meeting my father wouldn’t let me cancel. 

“Anakin, you’re right next door to me.” I have to fight the urge to reach for him. “I was fine because of you, and I will be fine because of you.” 

He sighs once, his expression not easing. “And if the person is silent? The attacker could easily work in the palace, but no one wanted to direct the search inwards.” His words are more strained than I’ve ever heard them be. “I think it’d be smart for me to stay in here. I know you’ve refused having a guard stay in your room or outside your door, but...” Anakin sighs. “Your safety would be more assured.” 

Him staying in my room? The only line I’ve ever been allowed to draw, and I’m actually considering letting that go. If he seemed even slightly less sad, I wouldn’t even consider it. It’s not a good idea. I’m already too attached to him. “Anakin--” 

“I’d feel more assured.” 

Damn him. Stupid, extremely sweet Anakin who makes saying no to him impossible. I stretch my arm forward, letting my hand squeezes his forearm gently. “There’s no reason to not feel assured.” He doesn’t ease, the cloudiness behind his eyes remains stubborn. “You’re still worried.” No reaction, the haze that’s taken him isn’t letting go. “Fine--but tell no one or my father is going to take to posting guards at my door every night.” 

...I guess there are worse ways to spend a night. Which is kind of a problem since I’m trying to...enjoy Anakin less. Ugh, I even sound dumb in my head. “I promise, princess.” 

Ugh, he’s adorable. “You’re intolerable.” I stand from he foot of my bed and pull back the covers on my bed. He doesn’t reply, something dark still playing for him. I watch him move to face the door. Wait--is he doing what I think he’s doing? “No, you’re not going to stand there all night. You need sleep.” He has the audacity to give me an annoyed look. “I already didn’t want to do this so now you have to listen to my conditions.” 

He raises an eyebrow, his lips pressing together oddly. He’s trying to gauge something from my expression, perhaps he’s looking for buttons to press to get his way. I guess I look as stubborn as I feel because instead of arguing he just sits on the floor. What? I watch him cautiously, trying to figure out if this is some weird argument trick. 

“What are you doing?” 

“What you asked.”

And just like that I’ve put myself in a position that I will no doubt regret terribly the second common sense returns to me. There’s no way to deny that Anakin and I are closer than we probably should be. We’ve felt like friends first since the day we first met. I can’t think of any reason to not offer to let him sleep in my bed except those stupid budding feelings I refuse to label. 

It’s not like I actually like him. I can’t--I’m going to be married to some nobleman and he’s prohibited from ever forming attachments. I’m not even sure if we’re allowed to be friends. Having actual feelings for him would be so, so pointless. It would just lead to heartache and the ruining of the one genuine relationship I have. I’m just a tiny bit confused right now because he’s objectively really attractive and he’s always there for me. Always there to make a joke after a particularly rough meeting. Always there to offer me a supportive smile. Always there to humble me when I teeter on acting like my father. 

Anyone’s heart would flutter at that, so it doesn’t mean anything. And if it does, I need to squash any budding feelings now before I mess things up. Which is why I should keep him at arm’s length until I get it together. But is that fair to him? And what if doing that is making things worse? What if it’s just reinforcing the idea of having feelings? 

This is ridiculous. I’m going to get over this if it kills me. It’s just a bed and it’s only sleeping. I’m meant to be able to lead an entire union and I can’t sleep next to someone and act normal?” “You don’t have to sleep on the floor.” 

The second the words leave my mouth I regret it all. What’s wrong with me? Did I seriously think I’d be okay?

I hear his soft exhale, “I’ll be fine. I’ve slept in worse places than on your marble floor.” 

His voice sounds so weighted I can’t help but feel bad for not noticing that he’s still bothered. Whether he’s upset about his near miss or the fact that my father didn’t take his advice, I don’t know. But something’s wrong. The easy thing to do would be to just let him sleep it off. The smart thing to do would be to leave him alone until tomorrow. 

I think of all the times that I’ve been upset and Anakin had refused to let me go to sleep angry or sad or overwhelmed. “I know, but it’s really not a big deal. It’s not like we don’t know each other. I mean, last Coronation Season you buttoned me into more gowns than my handmaid. And I owe you for saving me from one of the worst suitors I’ve ever had.” 

“I’m starting to think we need to develop some kind of signal.” 

The tiny bit of lightness that’s returned to his voice makes all of my internal struggle feel worth it. “You always seem to know.” 

“That’s because when you’re reaching your limit, that one line appears between your eyebrows.”

I didn’t realize I had such a tell. I try to remember the way that the suitor drawled on and on about how amazing he was and how he couldn’t wait for the day he had a bride to bear his children and plan (tedious) social events. My hand moves to my forehead, trying to feel the crease Anakin mentioned. Can everyone tell when I’m growing tired? Am I that transparent? 

Anakin’s slight laugh steals my attention. He’s facing me again, his elbow holding his head up on the foot of my bed. “What are you doing?” 

“I don’t--I don’t think i get a crease between my eyebrows when I’m irritated.” 

I hear him stand. I don’t realize he’s approaching me until he’s so close I could touch him without even needing. to stretch. “No, when you’re irritated you raise your eyebrows slightly, because that’s when you’re at your most sarcastic.” 

“Really?” 

The corner of his mouth tugs upwards. “Just like that.” I force myself to keep my expression blank. “When you’re reaching your limit, your eyebrows crease here.” His finger taps the space between my brows so gently I almost don’t realize what he’s doing. “And when you’re trying not to laugh--which is often, because you refuse to admit that I’m funny--you press your lips together in a way that forms a dimple here.” The knuckle of his pointer finger brushes against the bottom of my cheek. 

I bite my tongue to fight the warmth spreading across my face. “I didn’t realize i was so transparent.”

“I can’t always tell what you’re thinking.” 

“I’ll take it.” Maybe if I was less tired, I’d argue a little more. “You know you’re not that difficult to read either.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes, I can tell when you’re just being stubborn for the sake of it. I can see it in your eyes and you’re doing it right now.” 

His expression harshens slightly before softening. “Y/n--” 

“I’m not wrong.” 

He sighs once, stepping back. I watch him pace around my bed before taking a seat on the edge of my other side of the bed. “Are you happy now?” 

“Happy that I won? Absolutely.” 

Anakin halfheartedly glares at me. “Careful, add a crown and a robe that trails down a throne and I’d feel like I was speaking to your father.” 

“Careful, another side comment like that and I’ll ‘accidentally’ kick you off the bed in the middle of the night.” 

“Not if I kick you off the bed first.” 

I trace a thoughtless pattern on the fabric of my bedsheets. “What are you? Twelve?” 

“I’m older than you.” 

“Barely.” I continue the thoughtless pattern tracing as I fight the sleep from my eyes. “Your comebacks are usually more creative than that.” 

He exhales, relaxing slightly as he rests his back against a pillow. “I’m tired, like you claimed to be.” His eyes flutter slightly, a bit of his exhaustion showing. “Go to sleep.” 

I should. I’m too old to think I can put off a tomorrow I don’t want by just staying up. This is stupid. I’m too old to think I can put off the anniversary of my mother’s death by going to bed. She had been taken from us on castle grounds, killed by a revolutionist who viewed my mother as a class traitor. I still remember the way she slumped to the ground, her blood staining the snow beneath her. I remember the way the guards were so busy chasing her killer no one thought to keep me away from the body. 

“Y/n?” 

I scratch the back of my arm in hopes of banishing my thoughts. “Yes?” 

“You’re being quiet.” 

“You said to go to sleep, that tends to be a quiet thing.” 

I can feel his eyes on me. “Since when do you listen to me?” Not trusting myself to actually reply, I only offer him a hum of acknowledgement. “I know you’re not half asleep.” 

Folding my hands on my lap, I avoid his gaze. “It’s tomorrow.” 

I don’t know why I trust him to understand my vague response, but I do. His silence stretches over us like a thin blanket on a cold night. Maybe he doesn’t understand what I’m implying. I can always correct him tomorrow, when my eyelids are no longer as heavy as my heart. The more seconds that pass in total silence, the more I think that maybe he’s fallen asleep. 

I wouldn’t be surprised, Anakin has seemed tired recently, like some additional weight he won’t share with anyone has been thrust onto his shoulders. A small part of me rolls in guilt. I need to be a better friend, just because I’m suddenly a little too aware of him doesn’t mean I can shrug him off and ignore him. 

My hand almost flinches away from the feeling of something surprisingly warm touching my pinky. When I realize that it’s just Anakin and that the contact was probably accidental, I force myself to ease. It’s not like we’ve never touched before, I don’t understand why I’m making it weird. Sitting in my bed in the dark doesn’t change anything. His hand turns slightly, pressing into mine a little more assuredly. Biting my tongue, I turn my hand slightly, exposing my palm. And just like that, our fingers intertwine. 

“She would have been proud of you.” His voice comes out so low I barely register the words. 

The words shouldn’t mean much to me--he never knew my mother and has no way to know what she wanted me to be.--and yet I find comfort in them. I smile, turning my head towards him. “You didn’t even know her.” 

He rolls his eyes slightly, relaxing further before squeezing my hand once. “Who wouldn’t be proud of you? You’re kind and smart and decent to be around when you’re not telling me what to do.” 

My heart swells in my chest so much I’m surprised it doesn’t burst. Could he be cuter? “Yeah...now I’m sure you’re my favorite person.” 

“Now you’re sure?” 

The smugness in his voice has me rolling my eyes. “Don’t make me regret saying that.” 

“Maybe in the morning,” he says easily, “now go to sleep. There’s nothing worse than escorting you from meeting to meeting while you’re tired.” 

“I’m not that bad.” Even in this darkness, I can make out the way he raises an eyebrow. “Shut up--I’m going to sleep, but not because of you.” 

He lets out a slight huff. “You’re impossible.” 

The desire to respond to his comment is not enough for me to win the fight against the weight of my eyelids. The moment my eyes shut, I feel powerless to anything that isn’t sleep. I let myself fall into a weightless sleep, my only tether being the Anakin’s fingers around mine. 

--

A distant noise yanks me from my sleep. I’m too drowsy to do anything but register the sound. I hear another similar...whine? cry? I can’t tell and I’m too asleep to figure it out. I almost fall asleep again, but a third distressed sound keeps me from it. I wipe my eyes lazily with the back of my hand as I try to sit up. 

Squinting, I make out a figure on my bed. It takes me a moment to remember Anakin and how I fell asleep. Our hands are still together and no light is peering through my window so it can’t be that long since I fell asleep. Another disgruntled sound carries itself throughout the room. I shift slightly, leaning over Anakin cautiously. 

Golden brown curls are beginning to stick to his forehead and his eyebrows are drawn together sharply. He’s having a nightmare.  I shift even further forward before cautiously placing a hand on his shoulder before squeezing him gently. 

“Anakin,” I whisper, “it’s not--it’s not real.” His eyebrows draw together even more harshly. I shake him a little more stubbornly. “Anakin, wake up--you’re having a ni--”

 My forearm is grabbed so suddenly I barely register it before I feel my back shoved into my mattress. I blink twice. His dark eyes are frantic and the look on his face is far from the gentle, easygoing expression I’m used to. He’s breathing deeply, his chest rising and falling from above me. I swallow a slight panic and something I don’t understand as I try to keep my eyes on his face and my thoughts away from how close he is. Anakin pries his fingers from my forearm one by one until only his palm is touching me. 

“Y/n, I--” 

“It’s okay.” Honestly, I’m more worried about his uneven breathing than the way he grabbed me. I can’t imagine everything he’s been through or how justified his nightmares are. Anakin moves his hand away from me. I don’t sit up until he’s off of me and sitting with his back against my headboard. “It’s okay--I just--you were having a nightmare and I thought I should wake you.” He doesn’t react. I turn my body further, keeping my back straight. Anakin doesn’t move, and the longer he stays still, the more I feel like I should say something else. “Do you want talk about it? Or do--do you want to talk about something else? Or go to sleep? Or get some water? Or--” The far off look behind his eyes silences me. I scoot forward slightly. “You’re okay, Anakin, I promise.” 

His head turns at that, his eyes searching mine for something I don’t understand. “I thought...” He cuts himself off by swallowing once. 

I shift a little more, trying to find anything normal in his expression. “Thought what?” 

Anakin’s hand is on my arm so quickly I don’t even register his movement. I let his fingers press into my skin. He’s holding onto me like I’m a figment of a dream and he’s beginning to wake up. “I thought I’d failed.” He exhales, the sound heavy. “Failed you and that you’d--I  thought I had lost you.” 

A lump rises in my throat, thick and unmoving. Cautiously, I place my hand over the one still gripping my shoulder like a lifeline. “You didn’t. Nothing happened, it was just a dream.” 

His gaze falls to the ground before he repeats the last of my words. “Just a dream.” There’s a hollowness to his voice I don’t understand. 

I exhale, carefully running my thumb over his knuckles. “Yes.” He doesn’t say anything but his expression hardens again. I let us sit there like that for a long minute. “I promise.” 

“You can’t promise things like that.”

I sigh, unsure of where to go from here. “Bad dreams are only bad dreams.” He doesn’t reply. “I think you should try to get some more sleep.” 

Anakin is unresponsive. I shift back, but before I can transition from almost being on top of him to just sitting next to him, he pulls on my arm to keep in place. “I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.” 

“Nothing’s going to happen to me.” 

“You almost died today, y/n. I was right there and if I had been a second later--” 

“But you weren’t.” He doesn’t ease. “You were there and I was fine. Don’t torment yourself over what could have been. You’ll drive yourself crazy.” 

“If anything ever happened to y--” 

“It’s not going to,” I whisper, ignoring the way his hold on my arm tightens even further, “Especially this time a year when I have a pretty good gau--” 

He tilts his head slightly, eyebrows drawing together and a ghost of a smile on his lips. “Pretty good? Really?” 

“Someone needs to watch your ego, chosen one.” This time when he tries for a smile, the look has some strength behind it. Relief pools in my stomach. “Now get some sleep, tomorrow’s a busy day and when you’re sleepy you’re beyond irritable.”  

Anakin lets me pull away enough to lay down, but he doesn’t follow. Not for a long second. When he does, his movements are impossibly rigid. I watch him out of the corner of my eye as carefully as I can manage. 

“Y/n?” 

I regret turning my head immediately. I didn’t realize how close he was. It would take no effort from me to make our lips meet. Wait--why am I thinking of that? I’m not allowed to think of stuff like that...especially not about him. 

“Yes?”

He lets out a breath before moving his hand. I don’t understand his hesitation until I feel his hand cupping my cheek gently. “What if next time I’m not enough? What if next time I lose you because I’m not strong enough?” 

I never thought my death would be such a personal thing to him. Sure, I knew that we had some kind of bond, some kind of friendship, and that my death would bring sadness. But I never imagined I’d matter enough to him that thoughts of my death would be frightening enough to slip into his subconscious and become a thing of nightmares. 

“You are enough. Nothing is going to happen to me and if it does it’s not going to be because of you.” Anakin’s lips press together in a way that implies serious uncertainty. His thumb brushes across my cheek so unexpectedly I almost ask him what he’s doing. The intensity behind his eyes is enough to burn me. “Was your dream really that bad?” 

He lets out an uncertain breath as his eyebrows draw together. I don’t miss the way his jaw clenches. “It’s more than the dream. I...y/n, princess,” he tacts on, a hint of humor returning to him, “you’re more than a mission to me.” 

The admission is so soft I can’t help but smile. “I know, Anakin, we’re--” 

“You’re more than a friend to me.” I don’t know if my blood freezes in my veins or if my lungs don’t contract when they should or if my heart literally skips a beat, but I know something in me completely stops at his words. “I--” 

“Don’t say it.” I don’t know how I managed to cut him off so sharply and I’m a little disappointed when I do, but it’s the right thing to do. Thought of the code that’s so important to him have clouded half the immense shock and joy swelling in my chest. “What you’re trying to say...I um, I want to say the same.” I try to drop my gaze but he tilts my head up slightly with his hand. “But we shouldn’t, you know that.” 

"You want to us to pretend that nothing’s different? You want me to escort you from meetings with one suitor to the next every Coronation Season until you’re married off?” 

“No, I’m not saying that. The point is that I’m not saying anything.” His eyebrows draw together in uncertainty. “Isn’t it enough for now, for both of us to just know? If we say it...that could mean bad things for you. And I don’t want to be a bad thing for you.” 

“You could never be.”

It’d be so easy to believe him. To believe him and to let him say what I never imagined I’d be able to hear and damn the consequences of tomorrow. “Can we just refrain from verbally saying anything until you’re sure?” 

“I’m sure right now. I’ve been sure since the first time we ever walked in the garden together. The night after the first Coronation Ball I escorted you to.” 

I remember that night well. The way he hadn’t scolded me for needing air or taking off my uncomfortably high heels to walk in the grass. “If you mean it, you won’t say it yet. I refuse to get in the way of what you’re meant for.”

His thumb runs my cheek entirely, stopping at the corner of my mouth. “Are you capable of not disagreeing with me?” 

Rolling my eyes slightly, I place my hand over his. “Probably not.” 

Anakin exhales, his playful irritation clear in the sound. “You’re impossible when you’re tired.” 

“I am not tired.” 

“I can see the sleep in your eyes.” 

“I can see it in yours too.” 

He pauses, eyebrows drawn together cautiously. “I’ll go to sleep if you do.”

He must be more tired than I thought if he’s compromising with me so quickly. “Deal.” 

Neither of us close our eyes for a long second, we just watch each other with wide eyes. It still doesn’t feel like he’s eased, but he’s come back to me so much more than he was earlier. I’ll make sure to check how he’s feeling in the morning. The first morning after we’ve...I don’t know. 

I’m trying really hard not to get excited because anything that’s been not said could be taken back so easily. That’s the point--but it’s hard not to let my heart get ahead of my rationality. I’ll just take the good for what it is for now and tomorrow we can figure out the rest. Even though he’s not allowed to form attachments and my father really wants to marry me off to foreign royalty.

Tomorrow. This can begin to be solved tomorrow. My eyes shut and I let myself roll fully onto my back. The second I’m comfortably settled, I feel Anakin shift against the bed. I’m too tired to open my eyes until I feel a weight placed against my chest. 

I open my eyes on instinct, less surprised than I should be when I see Anakin’s head resting against my chest. Before I can speak, I feel his arm rest against my side. “Anakin,” I breathe, my hand moving to smooth his hair out of his face the way I’ve wanted to for so long. “What did we just talk about?” 

“You said not to say anything,” he mumbles comfortably, “I’m not saying anything.” ...It is kind of the ideal compromise. Especially since I’m too tired to find reason and he feels so warm. “I can feel you overthinking. Go back to smoothing my hair before I have to rise and stand at your door so that your handmaid comes to wake you. Something tells me she’d be glad for the excuse to get rid of me.” 

That might be the most dramatic thing I’ve ever heard him say. Selma is the most patient woman in the palace. “Selma would never report anything involving me, I can’t believe you don’t like her. She’s the sweetest woman I’ve ever met.”  

“She’s the one that doesn’t like me,” he says, “she always watches me like she’s trying to figure out if I’m planning on stealing you away.” 

Too tired to fight my smile, I go back to smoothing his hair out with my fingers. After a moment, he lets out an exhale that relaxes his entire body. “Goodnight, princess.” 

“Goodnight.” The word is barely a mumble as I feel sleep tug against me for the second time tonight. 

It’s strange, but my excitement doesn’t diminish my tiredness, it just makes the prospect of rest feel so much fuller. Safer. Because there’s so much to sort out and grieve but it’s okay, because we have the time and everything feels okay because Anakin is here, right beneath my fingertips. 

The Perfect Night | Charlie Gillespie

Requested by anon: Can you please write a fanfic with Charlie Gillespie x reader where you're taking him with you as a plus one to your high school reunion because you don't have anyone to go with but then they realise they really like each other

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x Female!Reader

Warnings: a few curse words like bitch, fluff 

Words: 2,622

High school wasn’t your favorite. All the bullies and the stress to fit in. Everyone laughing at you because you were the nerd with all the stories piled up on your computer and the fantasy of a child in your head. You’d thought you left all of that behind. But then came the reunion. You’ve only graduated five years ago from high school and only last year from college. Though you had an amazing job as screenwriter and some really great friends, you didn’t have a date to bring to that reunion, and you knew all those people would pick on you for old time’s sake because you didn’t have a date. “Hey, you okay? You seem stressed,” Charlie’s voice shakes you awake from your anxious thoughts about the reunion. You look up at him and offer him a nervous smile. Charlie Gillespie is your co-worker, and along with the rest of the Julie and The Phantoms team, one of your newest friends. Yes, you were on the writing team for Julie and The Phantoms, and you had just finished a table read for season 2. “Yeah, I just—there’s this high school reunion tonight and I really don’t want to go.” “Not a fan of high school?” he asks as he falls into step with you, the two of you walking out of the building. “Not at all…” he gives you a curious look, “Eh, they used to bully me because I was a writer and spent my time writing books instead of going out to parties or spending time with friends,” you give him the synopsis. Charlie doesn’t need to know about the nights you spend crying in your room or going to your therapist. You were close, just not that close. Besides, you’d rather forget about your past. “And now you’re a part of the writers’ team on a popular Netflix show?” he tries with a smile, but you just give him an unimpressed look. “Come on, Y/N! This is an opportunity to show them what you made of yourself! Brag a bit about how amazing a job you have!” You shrug, still not convinced. “I just don’t want to face them alone…” you mumble, staring at your moving feet when suddenly a thought pops into your head and you stop in your tracks, looking up at him. “Do you want to be my plus one?” He halts too, raising his eyebrows at you. “Nope, you’re right, that’s stupid!” You start walking again, Charlie following your example. “No. No, it’s not stupid. I just didn’t think you’d ask me?” “You’re one of my best friends here, Charlie. It’s just logical.” He smiles at that. He really has become your best friend since meeting him a couple months ago. “Okay! So, am I playing your boyfriend? Husband? Just a best friend?” You furrow your eyebrows at him, glaring at him questionably. “We could make something fun out of this, Y/N!” He’s almost bouncing off the walls with excitement. That’s the Charlie you know and love. “Okay… Uhm, let’s pretend you’re my boyfriend. I bet they wouldn’t expect the antisocial nerd to have a boyfriend.” The giggle that comes out of his mouth is too adorable to handle. “How did we meet?” he asks, making sure you got the story straight. “Uhm, here?” you suggest. He rolls his eyes at the obvious answer but goes with it. “Okay! Uhm, let’s – let’s say I fell for you when you bossily told me how I should say a line in the dialogue you wrote?” You nod your head slowly. That sounds kind of cute. “What was our first date?” “Uhm, I don’t know? Movie and dinner?” He scrunches his nose, shaking his head. “No, girl… Charlie Gillespie doesn’t do basic dates!” You chuckle at this, stopping in the hallway of the building to check out. “You like hiking, right?” You nod your head, signing your name on the paper at the front desk. “I took you on a hike on the Eagle Bluffs trail in Vancouver and we had a romantic picnic on the mountain with a gorgeous view over the Cabin Lake.” You nearly melt away at the thought of him taking you on a date like that. “That’s a cute date,” you tell him, impressed, and trying not to show what it’s really doing to you. “And I kissed you on that mountain top.” He raises an eyebrow as an amused smirk pulls at his lips. “No one at my school would ever think I’d be the one to take that step.” “And our first ‘I love you’s were accidental slip ups at work!” He sounds way too excited and he’s getting way too into this. “Like, I’d accidentally completely mess up the punch-line of the joke you wrote, and you’d get annoyed and angry, and then I accidentally said “Okay, sorry, thank you, I love you”.” You giggle at his ideas as the both of you exit the building together. “Anything else we need to discuss?” you ask, grabbing your car key. “Don’t think so…” he trails off, really mulling it over. “Oh! Is there a dress code?” “Yes! It’s formal,” you reply, hoping that wouldn’t be too much of trouble so last minute. He thinks about it for a moment, going through his own wardrobe in his mind. “What are you wearing?” he questions. “Not sure, a red dress, I think…” “You think?” “Yeah, I might change my mind if I don’t like it.” He nods his head understandingly. “What time does it start?” “Seven. It’s about fifteen minutes from my place.” “I’ll pick you up at twenty minutes before then,” he suggests. You nod your head in agreement, then say your goodbyes and go your separate ways. That night, Charlie’s eyes widen when you open the door in your red, tight-fitting bodycon dress with spaghetti straps. He’s not used to seeing you out of your comfy mom-jeans and T-shirts or sweaters. “Uh… Okay… First of all,” he gestures to your body, “Wow!” You laugh at him, feeling a blush creeping up your cheeks. “Second of all… WOW!” “It’s not too much?” you ask, shyly. “No! No! Not at all! I’m very glad I get to play the boyfriend of a goddess like you.” “Oh, shut it, Charlie!” you slap his chest playfully before grabbing your clutch and leaving your apartment. “You look pretty wow yourself, by the way,” you say, approving of the suit he’s wearing. He bashfully smiles as you exit the building. He opens every door for you, like a true gentleman. You’re pretty sure no one has ever done that for you before. You always thought it would be so cliché, but it’s actually really nice. “Hey, how far are we going to go with PDA?” he asks when he gets in behind the wheel. “You know, holding hands and stuff…” You blush a little at the thought alone. Being single for so long almost made you forget that was a part of it too. “Uhm… Just improvise,” you shrug. “You’re the actor after all.” You go over the story again with Charlie, making sure neither of you will forget and give everything away. “You ready?” he asks as you’re standing in front of your high school. Terrible memories flood back inside your mind, sending shivers down your spine. As if on automatic, you grab Charlie’s bicep for support – both moral and physical. “Let’s do this.” The two of you walk inside the school and find the gym where they’re holding the five-year reunion. The music’s blasting, lights are flickering, and people are mingling, reminiscing over their high school memories. You already spot a few people you know, but much rather not talk to. “If you ever feel overwhelmed and want to leave, just tell me, and we’re out of here,” he whispers in your ear. You can’t help but smile at his words. A true gentleman.   “Thanks, Charlie,” you whisper back. He takes you straight to the bar where he gets you your favorite beverage. “How’d you know?” you ask when he hands it over. “You always order a G&T at the crew parties,” he tells you nonchalantly. “How attentive of you,” you compliment with an endeared smile plastered on your face. This man keeps surprising you with the smallest thing, and it’s the cutest thing you’d ever witnessed. It gives you the feeling of being seen and appreciated and respected. For the first time in your life. “Oh my God! Y/N!” you hear the shrill voice of Ella, one of your classmates from back in the day. One of the biggest bullies from your senior year. “You look amazing! How are you doing?!” she grabs the hand your not holding your drink with and presses a kiss to your cheek. “Hi, Ella…” you greet, putting the fakest smile you can muster on your face. “I’m good! How are you?” Charlie watches you to find any sign of uncomfortableness. “I’m good! You know, recently engaged.” She shows you her hand, which is decorated with the shiniest, biggest diamond ring you’d ever seen. “Oh, wow!” you glance at Charlie, “Look, babe, she’s engaged!” If he’s surprised by the sudden pet name, he doesn’t show it. “Congratulations, Bella!” You know he’s butchering that name on purpose, and you have to try your hardest to stifle a laugh. “You have a boyfriend?” Ella asks, clearly bitter over either him butchering her name or you, having such an attractive boyfriend. “There’s nothing on Facebook about that?” she chuckles awkwardly. Charlie wraps a protective arm around your waist, pulling you closer towards him. “Uhm… Yeah… We’re keeping it lowkey, you know?” you reply as convincingly as possible. “He’s an actor, so…” you trail off, hoping that would impress her. Ella’s demeanor changes all of a sudden. She goes from total bitch to flirty bitch. “Really?” She twirls a strand of hair around her finger. “Y/N?” Another voice chimes in, this one belongs to Addison, Ella’s bestie. “Hey, Addie…” you greet, clutching your glass really hard. Charlie can feel you tensing up beside him and starts rubbing circles on your hip. “Y/N has an actor boyfriend,” Ella informs her. Addison’s eyes widen as they dart from you to Charlie and back. “How’d you meet?” Addison questions, intrigued by this entire story. The two of you glance at each other, trying to determine who’s going to tell the story. “At work, actually,” you start. “I’m on the writers team of the show he plays in.” “Yeah! She bossily told me how to deliver the line she wrote, and I’ve been in love with her ever since.” He looks down at you with the most endeared smile on his face that makes you melt like ice cream in the sun. “Aw! That’s adorable!” Addison clutches her heart as if it’s about to burst out of her chest. “When did you fall in love with him, Y/N?” You glance at Charlie for some assistance or some inspiration. “When he suggested that instead of a boring movie and dinner date, we’d go hiking together. I just knew he was the one for me at that moment.” You’re not going to lie, Charlie taking you on a hiking date would totally make you fall in love with him. Ella’s and Addison’s noses scrunch up in disgust. “Also…” she adds, then leans in closer to the girls to whisper, “His arms! The boy has guns, I tell you!” The two girls gasp, scanning Charlie entirely from head-to-toe. He snickers, then pulls you closer again. “You did not fall in love with me for my arms,” he tells you, shaking his head with an amused look on his face. You look up at him, eyebrow raised. “I do see you every day with those muscle tees, babe. You really think I wouldn’t swoon for that?” You couldn’t lie. Charlie’s arms were killer. But obviously not the only thing that made him attractive. “If you don’t mind, ladies. I’m going to take my lady for some food,” he nods towards the other side of the gym where food is stalled out into a banquet. Addison and Ella bid their goodbyes, and the two of you make your way to the catering. “I hate them with a passion,” you grumble as you take a plate to fill with canapes. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone as fake as them, and I’m an actor.” You giggle at his comment and reach for the mini-pizzas at the same time he does, your hands touch, making both of you freeze. “Sorry,” you both mumble, pulling away, flustered. “Hey, Y/N!” A voice you really didn’t want to hear sounds from behind me. “Kill me now,” you mumble, earning a worried look from Charlie. “Ex-boyfriend.” Charlie takes your plate from you and places it onto the table, leaving you a little confused. “Do you trust me?” he asks, hushed. “Yeah, wh—?” before you can finish your question, Charlie presses his lips to yours, pushing you gently against the wall behind you. You’re startled, at first, but then melt into the kiss as your stomach starts to do flips and turns. You didn’t realize until now that this is what you’ve wanted all along. You always wondered why your eyes always automatically darted to his lips. Now you know why. “Ooh! Get it, Y/N!” you hear your ex’s best friend shout. Nothing about high school has changed. Except now Charlie’s here. He pulls away and stares at you for a moment, equally as overwhelmed as you. “You want to get out of here?” he whispers. You simply nod your head, running your tongue across your bottom lip as though the taste of his lips is still there. Charlie grabs your hand and pulls you to the door of the gym. As you pass your ex and his friends, you offer them a wave of your slender fingers. For the first time in years, you feel powerful in this gym, like you can conquer the world. Charlie takes you into the hallway, and pushes you against the wall of lockers, kissing you again. You can’t help the smile tugging at your lips as your hands tug at his suit jacket. “I wanted to do that for so long,” he whispers when he pulls away for a second, pressing his forehead against yours and tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. “What do you mean?” you ask, keeping your voice down too. “You really think I made all of that up in there?” he chuckles. “I really did fall for you when you told me off about delivering that line wrong.” Your mouth drops open before your lips turn up into a surprised smile. “It was incredibly hot.” “And I do swoon every time I see you, by the way,” you admit for the first time to yourself. “And I would really love that first date you imagined for us.” “Good,” he replies, “Because I was going to ask you to go this weekend.” Your eyes widen, and Charlie notices a sparkle in them that he’s never seen before. “Thank you for tonight, Charlie,” you whisper, pushing a strand of hair from his forehead. He has that Patrick Swayze hair he had a couple of times in Season 1 of Julie and The Phantoms, the hairstyle you find way too attractive. “No, thank you.” He smiles down at you before connecting his lips to yours again in a deep, passionate kiss. Tonight, you not only conquered your dreadful past, but you also found the love of your life in your best friend. And you couldn’t possibly ask for more. This was a perfect night.

Taglist: @hannahhistorian92​ @marinettepotterandplagg​ @thequirkybookaholic​ @parkeret​​ @lukeys-giggle​ @gingerxarmy​ @lovesanimals​ @bookdealer5​ 

HP FESTS: For The Love of Fests (Part 1)

Love at Second Sight January 2021:

Second Time's the Charm by floorcoaster - T, one-shot - The first time Hermione sees Draco Malfoy again, she's in for a surprise.

Influence by Misdemeanor1331 - G, one-shot - Draco and Hermione bump into each other at Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes. Draco thinks it’s a chance encounter. Hermione knows it’s anything but.

The Love Boat by Seakays - T, one-shot - Hermione Granger and her two best friends are embarking on a week long "Divorced Magicals" Cruise. Hermione took advantage of the Cruise's pre cruise chat room, where she met Scorly1203. After six months of texting, she has agreed to meet him on the first day of the cruise. Could she really find a second chance at love on the Lido Deck?

Second Time Lucky by rennaissance_woman - not rated, one-shot - During a trip to Weasley Wizard Wheezes, what do you do when presented with a second chance?

In Vino Veritas by beautyberry - M, one-shot - "Granger?" he asked disbelievingly. "Malfoy?" she asked, "What are you doing here?" Rated M for mentions of sex.

The Art of Second Chances by Blessedindeed - not rated, one-shot - A chance encounter at the museum brings up unresolved feelings

What Lies Beyond the Light by SlytherinHermione - M, one-shot - The thing about prisons is that it tends to change a you. The person you were when you went in, will not be the person that comes out. Sometimes for the better, oftentimes for the worst. For Draco Malfoy, the scales were tipped when a certain lawyer forced themselves onto his case with the start of one letter. A letter that turned into the type of correspondence where you end up baring your soul to a stranger. A stranger that ends up knowing every little part of you, from the darkest corners, to the sunniest fields - while barely knowing you at all. But then again, Hermione Granger was never really a stranger to begin with.

Silly Love Songs February 2021:

This Beauty By My Side by Amarillis39 - M, one-shot - My entry to the Silly Love Songs Fest. ____ "But as he watched her glide through the crowd, he decided he would take every second she would give him. Worthy or not, he was still a selfish git." ___ It's another stuffy gala at the Ministry and Draco is overcome with conflicting feelings as he watches Hermione in her element.

The Light That You Shine by SlytherinHermione - M, one-shot - Draco was adrift. All around him was an endless, unforgiving ocean, dull and grey in colour.  The waves kept crashing in on him. Back and forth, back and forth. Sometimes he felt like he’d been cursed to remain like a graying tower, alone on the sea. This all changed on a random cold winter day and a bright light. Because what followed the light was as unexplainable as the feeling of calm that suddenly enveloped him. He felt a twinge of something that he couldn’t explain. On the other side of the sidewalk stood Hermione Granger, more beautiful than he could remember, locking eyes with him for a second, as if she herself was caught with him inside of this time bubble filled with light and large, fluffy snowflakes. And with a blink of an eye, she walked the other way, as if this was just another Monday. As if she hadn’t just turned Draco's world up-side down. The tumultuous oceans that surrounded his untethered soul were full of waves, but now of a different kind.

Discord by Lostinthenightrain - T, one-shot - “I’ve seen your darkest, and it doesn’t scare me. You’ve become something so much more.” She placed a gentle kiss on his jaw. “I love you, dark and all.”

Time to Spare by Willowfairy - M, one-shot - Draco gets drunk enough to finally tell Hermione how he really feels, and once he starts talking he finds it impossible to stop.

Sometimes When We Touch by sodamnrad - T, one-shot - What if Hermione and Draco were dating when he took the Dark Mark? Submission for the Silly Loves Songs Mini-Fest One shot | Draco's POV | Sixth Year

To Be With You by Blessedindeed - not rated, one-shot - Her ability to show forgiveness intrigues him. Draco finds he has a soft spot for Hermione.

Masquerade March 2021:

Punch Line by tygermine - E, one-shot - Hermione seems to hide behind multiple masks.Draco wants to remove them all.

A Deadly Dance by MykEsprit - T, one-shot - An unexpected guest arrives at the ball. Dramione.

Ask it of Me by WritingFicariously - T, one-shot - Hermione has always had the ability to chase away demons, the darkness that twists his mind into believing he is not good, never enough. She sees and knows every part of him. But Draco has always kept one thing from her, one secret that he never dared say aloud. Until he did.

A Masquerade of Body and Soul by Annav94 - M, one-shot - She’s here to escape the reality, to break the rules. She is here to break the rules because all rules have only given her, is false hope. She turns her head and her eyes meet his. He’s there for the catch of the night. And while he finds himself smirking, smiling at the unforeseen turn of event, he wonders if truly Hermione Granger is flirting in a room full of witnesses with none other than himself - the infamous Draco Malfoy.

Imbolc by CosmicCthulhu - G, one-shot - Hermione celebrates the beginning of spring for the first time, years after the war. She's not the only one who wants a fresh start.

Suit Up by calico_kitten - M, 2 chapters - Gawain Robards has cooked up a new idea for the Departmental Hallowe'en Ball: comic book hero disguises!

This Mask I Wear by SlytherinHermione  - T, one-shot - This mask I wear feels cool on my skin. I slip it on, and the act is ready to begin.Safety. Protection. Freedom.

Lover of Fiction April 2021:

3 Words, 8 Letters by sodamnrad - T, 2 chapters - “Do you like me?” Draco’s flitty looks, his tart remarks about her feelings for Blaise, the way he’s following her around instead of chasing an eligible witch who isn’t pining over his friend is extremely telling.“Define like.”Her mouth unhinges. No effing way. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”“How do you think I feel?” He glares at her. “I haven’t slept. I feel sick like there’s something in my stomach, fluttering.” He presses a hand against his belly, as if he’s experiencing the sensation at this very moment.“Butterflies?” she deadpans. “No. No, no, no this cannot be happening.”“No one is more surprised or ashamed than I am.” He gestures to himself, lifting his chin tersely.“Draco, you know that I adore all of Earth’s creatures and the metaphors that they inspire,” she says as her hand forms a crushing fist, “but the butterflies have got to be murdered.”---Draco & Hermione: Their Story (2000s TV Drama Style)Dual POV | 2 Shot | Idiots in Love

The Ambition by In_Dreams - M, one-shot - After ten years at sea, Captain Hermione Granger has a ship and a crew of her own. But one of her new crew mates is a blacksmith from her past. Dramione Pirates AU.

Jitters by TheMourningMadam - M, one-shot - This was written for the Lovers of Fiction mini fest for April. Thank you to QuinTalon for being a gracious host in this fest.My prompt was Jamie and Claire Fraser from Outlander. If you have never seen Outlander, why not? You at least need to watch their first time to see some hot and bewildered Jamie. This is a tiny snapshot into what would be a much larger story, so please take it at face value.Also, I finished this story right at the wire, so didn't have time for a beta. All mistakes are obviously my own and I apologize. Bold sentences are word for word from the tv show.

I Meant Something Like That by CharliPetidei - M, WIP - “You know what’s funny?” said Hermione, crossing her ankles and leaning forwards on the slightly peeling leather sofa. “When I first saw your advert online… I thought you were Hufflepuffs.” The three men opposite her exchanged glances, and then the tall, platinum blond one (it had to be dyed, right?) with the funny name leaned forward, narrowing his eyes. Draco, that was it. “You thought we were what?” A New Girl Dramione AU.

The One Where Everyone Finds Out - Dramione Edition by Annav94 - T, WIP - Don’t we all know what happened when Phoebe finds out about Monica and Chandler in season 5 of Friends? Well, what would then happen if it was Draco and Hermione to be discovered by Pansy? Would then Theo try to calm her down, in the hope that she would stop screaming so his boyfriend (Harry bloody Potter, of all people) would be prevented from finding out about them is such crude way? And would Blaise go along with the scheme the two Slytherins would come up with to push the new couple to expose itself or will he be done with all the ‘pretending’ of not knowing, when he knew all along?Stay with me on this journey called: ‘The One Where Everyone Finds Out - Dramione Edition’.

The Dragon's Moving Castle by SlytherinHermione - T, WIP - Hermione Granger had accepted that her life wasn't going to be a great big adventure.She wasn't particularly beautiful, or interesting, and she hadn't been born with magic like her sisters. Really, she was just as plain as could be.One day though, a castle was seen rolling around the hills near her town.Not long after, she met a strange, handsome, and mysterious man.And she was cursed by the Wicked Witch of the Wasteland.Perhaps life was an adventure after all.

Lanky Brunettes with Wicked Jaws by Lostinthenightrain - M, one-shot - “You’ve got types?”“Only you darling.” He put his hand under her chin and brought her around to face him. He pulled her close with his arm held tight against her.  His head to the side of her own, he grinned. “Lanky brunettes with wicked jaws.” A gentle kiss placed against her jaw. She smiled, a blush prettying her cheeks as she pulled back.

Reader, I Married Him by Lostinthenightrain - T, one-shot - “Why must you?” he questioned as he pulled himself forward, using the rough pads of his fingers he gently touched under her chin, dragging her gaze to his own. “You know why!” She wrenched her chin from his grasp. “You are to be married, Malfoy.”

This fest is ongoing.

My Season 2 of Bridgerton Thoughts

Please keep in mind I did not read any of the books and I am solely a tv only watcher with limited knowledge of book!canon.

Overall, I really did enjoy the season. I had a fun time, I knew to go into this not expecting the same level of spice as season 1 (no consistent-sex-over-time montage like Daph and Simon) which was a bummer, but I also knew the couple didn't get married until the final episode (thanks spoilers) so my disappointment wasn't that strong.

But, here is a collective dump of all my thoughts - good and bad.

Pro: Kate and Edwina's relationship pre-episode 6 was great; I loved how much Kate and Edwina loved each other. I think it really shows the Older Sibling Struggle of Kate loving her sister so much and wanting her to have everything, and putting herself on the back burner for the sake of her sister and her sister's happiness.

Con: Which makes it so much more disappointing with how the events of the season took their relationship episode 6 and on. Edwina truly believing she was in love with Anthony made me, as the watcher, feel bad for rooting for Kate and Anthony. Edwina realizing her beloved sister was sharing these longing stares with her fiance at her wedding is like a stab to the gut. From my understanding, book!Edwina wasn't really that taken by Anthony; whereas here she's literally in her wedding dress ready to say 'i do'; had Kate not dropped her bangle and Edwina witnessed the two's so obvious looks of affection, they would have 100% gotten married.

Pro: One of the few spoilers I knew of the book was that during the bee scene, Anthony does something a bit more forward with Kate and her bee sting, which forces them to marry to avoid a scandal as they're caught by their mamas and Lady Featherington. NOW, I truly am glad that they did not do another 'forced marriage to avoid scandal before the two realize their feelings' thing like they did in season 1. I didn't want to watch a show that did that trope back to back.

Con: But I was still expecting Anthony and Kate to get engaged somehow, without hurting Edwina. Forcing a love triangle ruined the relationship between Kate and Edwina, and I didn't want that. Edwina calling Kate her 'half' sister in episode 6 stung. I don't think Edwina would go for such a low blow. Edwina immediately makes up with Kate after Kate wakes up from her accident, and then that's the end of it. I just personally would have preferred no love triangle; half of me honestly thought that Edwina would reveal mid-season that she's fallen for Mr. Dorset or whatever his name was and there would be no engagement to Anthony, but nope. Hopes were dashed.

Pro: Simone Ashley really was a fantastic addition to the cast, and the entire season they kept mentioning how the future Vicountess would be the one looking over the Bridgerton children, presenting them to society in future seasons, etc; so the very real prospect of seeing more of Simone as Kate and seeing more of her and Anthony's marriage develop in future seasons is so super exciting.

Con: For a season that is supposed to be about Anthony and Kate's love story, it only felt like we got them 65-55% of the time. This is THEIR season and it felt so crowded by other subplots. Now, even in season 1 their was a wide variety of subplots, but they all still felt vaguely connected to the main couple. Here we had that completely random subplot with the Featherington cousin (who, I originally thought, was hired by Penelope. In that first episode with him the camera kept flashing to her at dinner watching him, and I at first thought Penelope had learned the actual cousin was not coming, so Penelope employed someone to pose as their cousin from the Americas as a way to move the Whistledown money into the family estate and save her family from poverty. It's fantastical, but to be fair I didn't read the books so I have no idea how Pen is actually supposed to get the money to her family without them finding out), as well as Benedict getting high on tea and being mad that Anthony made a donation to his art school, part of an episode dedicated to just Collin visiting Marina???, and Penelope's Whistledown antics with the Modiste! Quick check ins with other characters is fine, but so many episodes had these subplots overshadow our main couple.

Pro: one subplot though that I did actually enjoy was Eloise and Theo. I've heard some horror stories on Eloise's book, and how out of character she is when it came to her marrying Phillip Crane (also heard about how Phillip Crane is an asshole and Eloise deserves more), so the sweetness of Theo and how much these two connected made me so happy. You bet your ass I'm gonna be searching for some Eloise/Theo fanfics. I love the idea of Eloise being with a man who appreciates her mind and her opinions, who supports her and also supports all women. Theo is the blueprint. And you know what, if Benedict can marry below his class with his future Cinderella Story romance, Eloise should be allowed the same. Fuck Phillip Crane; I am a Theo stan from here on out.

Con: My thoughts are everywhere, but back to Kate and how the plot with her and Anthony was overshadowed; I would have loved more background on her. We got flashbacks on Anthony, but what about Kate? Where is her backstory? I know it's another actor to cast & pay, but I would have loved a scene with her and her father before he passed, or her discussing her past just a tiny bit more. I wanted more of her overall.

Pro: The chemistry between Johnny and Simone was off the chats, I loved every single longing look and hand touch between Anthony and Kate. Despite wanting more scenes of their developing feelings, the scenes we did get I loved to pieces and was so eager for the next scene to end just for the hope that we'd see more Anthony and Kate next.

Con: Kate rejecting Anthony's marriage proposal in episode 8, after the two of them made it all but obvious in the previous 2 episodes that they both had feelings for each other, including the two having sex in the garden (not piv though, just oral), was just annoying honestly. She thinks Anthony is only asking her because they had sex, but I mean???? Kate isn't dumb, she's not dense, and we spent all season and ALL of the previous 2 episodes with EVERYONE recognizing IN FRONT OF THEM that Kate and Anthony have feelings for each other. Like it's obvious Anthony isn't asking her out of obligation. And he accuses Kate of running away when she rejects the proposal, while Kate later tells Mary that Anthony only proposed out of obligation. It was just messy. Maybe this would have been better played had we gotten more on Kate and her backstory. Why exactly is she running at this point?? Give me more context!!!

But even with all my cons, I still really did enjoy the season overall. Season 1 was a solid 8.5/10, but I would probably rate this one at an 8/10, maybe a 7.8/10. I think season 1 still works better because the focus on the main couple was a lot more prominent, and I think that needs to be the #1 selling point of the season. Kate and Anthony not being front and center in their own season really kept it from surpassing season 1.

I really hope they find some better footing in season 3 with how they balance their subplots and the main couple. I saw online they're greenlit until at least season 4, so we'll see how they go from here.

Crimson Renegade, Part 3

What it feels like to match wits (With someone at your level) 

Summary: Danvers and Kirk enjoy winding McCoy up

Pairings: OC/Jim Kirk(Platonic), OC/Leonard McCoy(Eventual Romance)

A/N: If you haven't seen Star Trek Discovery season 2, Pike makes it well worth it. ;-)

Enjoy!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Guiding me to the closest patient area, McCoy offers his hand to assist me in sliding onto the bio-bed. Jim quirks a brow at the chivalrous gesture but McCoy has already turned away to gather a few supplies for the exam. When Jim saddles up beside him, my mind runs wild with comparing the two men. Though they are roughly the same height, the air that surrounds them couldn’t be more different.  

Jim’s flaxen hair, crystal blue eyes, and perfectly chiseled jawline, screams fairy tale prince more than captain. Unless you use Captain Pike, circa 2250, as a barometer. Jim’s the type to whisk you off for an idyllic weekend getaway in a cabin, nestled between snow-capped mountains. A roaring fire would await, champagne chilled and at the ready. I think Dr. McCoy would take a slightly different approach. The fire would remain, as would a refreshing beverage. But replace the champagne with bourbon laden hot chocolate. The cabin would stand resolute against the onslaught of swirling flurries, having been built with the strength of his bare hands. Jim and McCoy are two sides of the same coin but only one is commanding my full attention.

"Ok, what you playin' at?” McCoy whispers to Jim, like salt through a grinder. It’s not standard practice for the captain to escort an uninjured crew member to the Med-bay just for a friendly hello. Jim looks on in unabashed amusement and lets McCoy continue his tirade. “We almost got shot to tarnation and you’re here to introduce a woman? Good god man! Have you no shame?” He says in a huff, gathering and regathering the same tricorder and PADD. “Are those boots even regulation?”

“They are.” I chime in sweetly, like honey flowing fresh from the comb. The boys slowly turn at McCoy’s covert mutterings being so easily overheard. “But the tights sadly are not, yet.”

Walking over to me, McCoy places the PADD beside me and can’t stop his eyes from wandering down. Under further inspection, my boots are indeed regulation, stopping just above my calves. The tights, however, are of my own design. Dark mesh blends expertly with my boots before shifting into a less opaque hue, coming to a point over my knee. Tracing McCoy’s gaze downward, I completely understand why the higher hemline of my dress uniform and the illusion of knee-high boots leaves the doctor’s mouth a bit parched.  

Clearing his voice before he continues, McCoy begins to run the tricorder around my head, then on a steady path from my forehead to abdomen and back. “So, what brings you to our favorite tin can in the sky?”

“I'm working on a new shield prototype with Scotty. Can't steal your head engineer, so here I am.”

“At least he's not on that ice planet anymore.” Jim says, with a nearly imperceptible shiver.  

“You always say that, but I had fun on Hoth.”

Shaking his head, Jim snorts wryly. “You’re about the only one.”

McCoy raises his brow at the name, no doubt never hearing of that planet in any star system. Sadly, that also means his knowledge of historical fiction is sorely lacking. How it’s not a more beloved genre is beyond me. Jim mouths ‘You don’t want to know’ to McCoy and lets it drop.  

“Keenser’s hooch always kept me warm. And what else do you really need besides that and good company?” I say. “Besides, it never seemed to be as cold as everyone whined it was.”  

A small smile highlights McCoy’s handsome features as he continues my scan. Although the warmth of his smile is unmistakable, the delicate lines around his eyes seem to narrate a tale of inner weariness. Something tells me coffee, a nap, or even a stiff drink couldn’t lessen whatever’s weighting on his shoulders.  

Returning to the conversation at hand, McCoy’s asks about my position on the Enterprise. “If you're a commander, doesn’t that make you chief engineer?”

“A commander is usually the head of a department. If Scotty needs me, I’ll be there to lend a hand but the prototype is my first priority.”

McCoy hums lowly in understanding, although his gaze has been diverted. He's concentrating deeply on the tricorder in his hands. After each tap of the device, his expressive brows grow closer and closer together.

“Something wrong?”

“Yea.” McCoy begins in a huff. “This darn thing is on the fritz again. I tried a few tricks Scotty taught me but nothin’s workin’. I assumed you were human and bypassed the initial scan but that didn’t help. You are human right?”

“To my knowledge, I am. Is trans-species a thing?”

“You’d be surprised.” McCoy says wryly. “All I got was you’re alive, but a bucktooth gopher in a melon patch is less obvious than that.”

I fail at holding back a snort.  “I have absolutely no idea what that means but it was certainly entertaining.” Offering to take a look, I extend my hand. “Let me see.” The blueprint for each circuit board and screen readout, run through my brain with ease. Fiddling with the small piece of technology is as natural as breathing.  Feeling the heavy gaze of a man no more than 2 paces away from me, is not. Widening his stance, McCoy impatiently crosses his arms after I open the back of the tricorder. I don’t think my brooding companion takes kindly to anything impeding his work, especially a pesky piece of equipment. “The circuits and connectors are in perfect condition, not charred or corroded. So, it must be a programming issue.” Replacing the back of the tricorder, I widen a few scan parameters and disable a couple more, then hand it back to McCoy. “Here, try this.”

After restarting the scan, the familiar steady beeps resume.  

“Well how ‘bout that.” McCoy says, with quiet astonishment. “How’d you know to do that?”

Swinging my legs like a schoolgirl, “Engineers are more than contraband and a good time, Dr. McCoy.”  I say, with cock my head and a cheeky grin. “Or haven’t you heard?”

“I’ve heard a lot of things but that don’t make’em true.”

Leaning the tiniest bit forward, “Is that a challenge?”  

McCoy meets my eye with a sumptuous quirk of his brow. “Only if you can deliver.”

A smile slowly spreads across my face. His steady gaze is electric, sending waves of heat to tickle my skin. Neither of us is backing down. With each passing millisecond something becomes abundantly clear; I am in trouble. Jim clears his throat, breaking us of the spell neither of us intended to cast. Honestly, I forgot Jim was even here.

Leaning back, I straighten my spine and clasp my hands in my lap. Professional as always. “So, did your scan turn up anything interesting?”

“Yea. Are you always this hot?” McCoy asks innocently, without any trace of innuendo.  

This is just too easy.  

Before I can reply, McCoy corrects himself.  “Is your temperature always this high?”

He’s learning  

“Yes. My temperature is usually above average for most humans. 99.3 to 102.4 is normal for me.”

“That’s oddly specific.”

Smiling, “I thought doctors liked specificity.”  

I expected to hear a smart quip but it never comes. McCoy’s face has grown dark.

“There’s also a fair bit of pressure at your temples and occipital lobe.”

Jim stiffens, instantly on alert. A nervous stab blooms in my stomach. I just got here. I can’t be grounded already. McCoy places a calming hand on my shoulder but addresses Jim. Silently they spar, only using their expressive eyes to communicate. I can read Jim like a well-trained empath but McCoy is a completely different beast. The altercation only lasts a few seconds but the decision is final.  

Jim sighs and stuffs his hands roughly in his pockets. “I’ll be right over there, ok?” After nodding, he saunters up to nurse and starts a friendly conversation. Jim manages to only look back once, our concerned expressions mirroring each other.  

“If only he was as protective with himself as the rest of us.” McCoy says.

Smiling weakly, I hum in agreement. With an ever-increasing nervous energy, I pick at the jagged edge of my thumb nail. I’m willing the pressure in my head to subside before McCoy takes the tricorder to me again.  

As if I'm a doe in a wooden glen that’s easily spooked, McCoy speaks much softer than before. “On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is the pain?”

I rub my forehead. “5, maybe.” Even to my own ears, it sounds more like a question than an answer.  

McCoy stares at me disapprovingly. Maybe I don’t have as good a poker face as I thought. He asks how long I've been having headaches and if they make my duties more difficult. I have to think back but it's been over 6 months. I can handle the pain but the dizziness that sometimes accompany them is harder to shake off. I've been found in a dark supply closet more times than I care to count. McCoy bobs his head with each detail I recount, though his lips remain pursed. He picks up the tricorder once again but decides to hand it off to a passing nurse.  

“Do hypos help with the pain?” McCoy asks. Vigorously rubbing his hands together, he steps forward. Meticulously, he feels around my throat and neck.  

“Only for a few hours.” I answer honestly.  

“What did your last physician say about them?”

“Since I could still fulfill my duties, not to worry until that changed.”

McCoy’s hands still. Exhaling harshly, his nostrils flare. “What kinda bonehead, idiotic...” With a sigh, McCoy calms himself. Letting the matter drop, he continues his exam. McCoy softly eases my head to the side to rest in his large palm. His nimble fingers purposefully flutter up and down the tendons in my neck, even into my shoulder blade. When he tilts my head back, I can’t help but stare. McCoy is so, determined. It’s as if my pain and discomfort are the only thing important to him. For a moment he closes his eyes to concentrate more intently on what he feels beneath his fingers. Smiling to myself, I close my own eyes before I’m caught.  

A slight sting radiates at the base of my neck where McCoy was focusing his attention.  His deft fingers and what I suspect was a sly hypo start to alleviate the pressure that’s been building for hours. Releasing a heavenly sigh of relief, I slowly blink open my eyes. Having them closed for only a few short moments; my lids have become quite heavy.  

McCoy tips my head back with a knuckle under my chin. When my eyes catch the light, he inhales suddenly. “Well I’ll be-.” He whispers, astonished. He slowly moves forward as if an invisible string is pulling us together. I’m enveloped by his impressive stature. His warmth seems to seep into my every pore and somehow, I already know I’ll miss it when he moves away. A sly smirk creeps onto my lips when McCoy’s eyes round in amazement. Imaging myself through his eyes is intriguing. Warm brown eyes of amber with flecks of maroon. It’s a fairly typical combination in this day and age, except they weren’t always like this. The longer the light shines in my eyes, the red specs bend and shift until it nearly overtakes the brown. I found the change to be off-putting at first but I've grown to like it.

McCoy leans in closer and cocks his head to the side. “Retinal morphic photoplasia.” Taking a pen light out his pocket and sweeps it over my eyes. “With a nearly a 47% increase in your concentering rate. That’s mighty rare.”

I shrug nonchalantly.  “Yea. It’s just one of my many tricks.”

McCoy smirks until he realizes how close he is to me. His hand has inched up from my neck and is cradling my cheek in his palm.  Clearing his throat, he gently guides my head down and releases me. Dr. McCoy returns to his PADD, tapping harshly. His faced is etched in frustration as he mumbles to himself. I sigh inwardly. I miss the teasing back and forth, the banter. I’d even settle for Mr. Grumpy Pants.  

I speak as light and airy as possible. “So, am I dying Doc?”

“No!” McCoy says, jerking upright. “Why would you go and say somethin’ like that?”

“Because you're looking at my readings like I have the plague.”

“Now that would be a magic trick, since it's been cured for over 600 years.” Sighing, McCoy places the PADD down. “I’m just not too keen on mysteries in my Medbay.”

McCoy explains my scans are in normal ranges, though a little odd. The headaches could be stress related but he’s concerned about the duration. Since I can't think of any triggers and I couldn’t have come into contact with any alien contagions, McCoy decides to take a few samples and run some more extensive test.  After getting a nurse up to speed, McCoy gives me some very pointed instruction.  “Tell me immediately if the headaches get worse. It doesn’t matter if you can still do your duties.”

“Sure thing, Dr. McCoy.” His name rolls easily off my tongue. However, McCoy’s pinched expression looks like his mama forgot to sweeten his lemonade. “Did I say something wrong?”  

He shakes his head ‘no’ but doesn’t offer any further explanation for his sour expression. I’m starting to think maybe that’s just his face.  

Shaking it off, “So, am I good to go?”

“Yes ma’am. No palpations, fever, or hives to speak of.” McCoy drawls.  

Smiling, “Great!  Thanks Doc. I'll try to keep it that way.” Hopping off the bio-bed, I look around the Medbay.  “Now where did my escort get to?”

“Jim,” McCoy says, hollering over his shoulder. “Don’t you have a ship to run?”

Jim says a few last words to an utterly bewitched nurse and walks away. He leisurely walks over, smiling to himself. “So, what I miss?”  

“I don’t know. Home trainin’?” McCoy says, dismissively. I snort softly into my hand and McCoy rewards me with a small smile. But Jim’s piercing gaze is squarely on McCoy, waiting for my results.

McCoy answers simply, all joking aside. “The commander is cleared for duty-”

“Glad to hear it!” Jim says. His jovial-self returning.

“And she knows where to find me if that changes.” McCoy gives me another pointed look for good measure.  

Inwardly I chuckle to myself but stand straight at attention. I give the doctor an emphatic though comical two-finger salute. I know we haven’t had an active military in centuries and technically McCoy and I have equal rank. But he understands me nonetheless. Or I should say we understand each other. If my condition changes and I don’t tell him, he will hunt me down and there will be hell to pay. McCoy nods curtly, satisfied with my answer. After a beat, his eyes soften and the corner of his mouth lifts just a touch. Relaxing again, I smile in return.  

Jim sees our mostly silent exchange and shakes his head. He looks like the cat that caught the canary and I’m not sure I like where this is headed. “You know I always thought you two would get along.” Jim may be right but that doesn’t mean he has to point it out. “You never let me have any fun.” Oh, how I wish that was true. “Both of you can drink me under the table.” True. Jim pauses for good measure. “And you both hate people.”

And there it is.  

Sighing, I pinch the bridge of my nose.  

“For Christ's sake-” McCoy growls.  

“I do not hate people!" We say in perfect unison.  

Slowly, McCoy and I look at each other with the same horrified expression. Brows in our hairlines, eyes bugging out and mouth agape.  We even mirrored each other’s tilted head. Neither of us know how to address what just happened, so we quickly act like it didn’t. McCoy becomes intensely interested in his PADD and I kick myself at falling for Jim’s bait so easily. His smirk is already insufferable but I do address his previous assertion.  

“After an 8-hour shift, who wants to be around people that can't hold a conversation, let alone a drink?” I ask rhetorically.  

“Couldn’t agree more darlin'.” McCoy says, clearly on my side.  

Trying to bite the inside of my cheek does little to disguise my smile. “Thank you.” I’m not sure what garners my appreciation more, his immediate understanding or being called darlin'. I haven't been called that particular term of endearment since I was a child. Oddly, I’m not averse to it. Especially coming from the doctor’s lips.  

“Wait,” Jim interjects, “are you finally admitting there are people you don’t like Commander?”

“Yes, and you are quickly becoming one of them Captain.”

This is quickly ramping up into a tit for tat situation and McCoy is having none of it. “Jim, can you let my patient get a hot meal before you start up again?”

Snickering, I mouth ‘Thank you’ and head for the door. As the doors slide open, I stop and look behind me. Jim is slowly walking with his back towards the door, whispering something to McCoy. I don’t know what he’s saying but McCoy crossed his arms in a huff. “Jim, you coming?” Jim turns smoothly on his heel, not missing a beat. The moment Jim’s back is to McCoy something peculiar happens. His arms drop and he … chuckles. His broad shoulders gently shake until he sighs to himself. For a moment he stares into space. The makings of a smile start to form-

“Danny, you coming?”

Jumping slightly, I turn towards Jim’s voice. He’s mere inches from my ear. After scowling in his general direction, I try to get one more glance at McCoy but he’s already gone. We walk in companionable silence toward my quarters but Jim is determined to spoil it. He keeps smirking like he has a secret every time he catches my eye. Its driving me nuts.  

Exhaling slowly, I mourn my sanity. “I know you have something to say. Spit it out.”

Jim shrugs nonchalantly but smiles nonetheless. “Oh, it’s nothing. Just that you owe me a bottle of whiskey.”

THOUGHTS ON GILMORE GIRLS:

i have so much to say y’all regarding gilmore girls. I LOVE this show. i have a very tension filled hatred for some parts but most of all LOVE.

after watching seven whole seasons of these girls lives, i have to say i truly understand the complexities of these characters. we’re not even gonna get into the years of a our lives thing, no this is about the freaking original. god, the amount of shit that rory did, lorelai did, chris did, luke did, emily and richard, I MEANNNN god it’s a lot

1. Rory.

gosh this girl was so frustratingly annoying. a perfect gem and pearl in the first year, and then later she becomes a nuisance. but what i truly see is her finally getting out of that naivety/handholding/dewy eyed phase and onto things like being a teen. this girl really stole a boat and got it on her record and what i hated about the show is that they never bring it up again. like that def affected her getting into places bUT NOOOOO. they wanna paint her out as some saint. i think the only sympathy i have to her behavior is that she was growing into who she was. i thought thank goodness Jess screamed at the girl to go back to yale because Logan wasn’t gonna do it!! gosh the whole relationships this girls gone thru, ruining deans marriage, cheating on logan with jess and making jess sad, going back to logan again and again after he treated her like crap? like NO honey that’s toxicityyyyyy. anyways she was annoying but at the end i love her.

2. lorelai.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN. no matter how many times she screwed up i could never stop loving this woman. does this mean i have bias ? YES. sorry y’all. i just related so much to these two. the dynamic of a single mom and her kid spoke so much to me and my mom. but also i am not like lor and rory, i’m more like lor and emily. i have the same mommy issues, caffeine addiction, and a incessant need to ramble on about god knows what. i do not have the sexy, charming wit she has, but i do think i’m funny and i talk a lot (i mean look at this long ass text post) BUT she’s just so beautiful and wonderful. she went thru so much for rory and made her into the kid she is today and just was so understanding. i wish she gave emily grace but at the end like i truly get why she was always so frustrated. there were times where she was excessive but damn it i get her. i love her and luke. why tf did jason happen. also the chris marriage so nasty, but all in all she deserves love and to be cherished.

3. luke

this man holds my heart gosh damn it, i love him. i don’t know why april came into his life, maybe to add some spice. i think he never would’ve forgotten to wear a condom lowkey he’s so responsible. but hey, whatever the show includes. i think he handled that part so well tho , and only fighting for partial custody , i truly loved that. he didn’t wanna make it a big thing cause he knows that april needs her mom, but i thought it was rude that Anna (ew), someone who knew Luke’s character, and knows what kind of guy he is, would not tell him he had a kid. and then expects him not wanna be a dad? like he is the ultimate “i wanna make sure everything’s done right on my end, i’ll always do what i think is right” type of guy. he did that with jess i mean come on. i love his anger about things cause it reminds me of my own dad, and like i wish there was more complexity to him, but i think he repetitive nature suited him. he had a lot of chaos in his life and tranquility in the small things in life like routine and filling the salt shakers really helped him feel grounded and have a sense of control. i love him, the most caring dude in the world, and i would want him on my side in a war.

4. dean

we gotta start somewhere for rory’s boyfriends. i think he was a good first boyfriend, treated her right, but goSH DAMN IT HE WAS SO FUCKING ANNOYING LATER ON. see i even started watching gilmore girls cause jared padalecki was in it, and i was so awestruck by it cause of the characters but DAMN if a character could be even more annoying. dean was not into the things rory was into and they had no spark, but they had comfortability and it was sweet and he helped lorelai out a lot and treated her good, but he legit was so clingy and all that shit later on. and like he wasn’t even trying wiyh life with her in it either and it just frustrated me. he messed up a marriage for her, it’s so wrong man. like ugh.

5. jess

if i could hug someone i would hug him omg. he looks like he smells like those manly colognes, books, and hair products but the fruit scented kind like coconuts and berries that he’s embarrassed to tell you about. gosh he is such a character. i love him so much and he went thru so much as a kid and i wish he never had that scene of pressuring rory cause that was a HUGE ick but all in all, he just had to go to therapy and know he could make it big. i wish they input his story more and that whole outfit at the poetry house thing was vomit, the hair and goatee made me choke i was like this aint you bby boy, but alas they had to make him look like those 2000 poet guys (i mean it was in the 2000’s but i digress) it just wasn’t his leather jacket and jeans look i missed. he was the one who understood rory in all her creative mess. he was the one to spark up that drive for yale again and told her to pursue whatever she wanted (granted i didn’t like how he showed up at her dorm and was like let’s run away together) but he was there for her in the ways he could. he had so much trauma tho that i think it was best they let go of each other and i think if they found each other again later and pursued it it would be beautiful.

6. logan.

i hated him at first yall. i’m so sorry i really did. he was a player, immature, immoral, and annoyingly right about things. rory did not need his influence. they stole a boat together, he wanted her to be out of her comfort zone yes but damn to what extreme? i think after he matured up, it was so beautiful tho. i hate to admit it but i love him now. he grew on me, he truly started caring for rory in a responsible way, he started working, he started realizing he could lose rory, and in the end it was sad she didn’t accept but he took it like a champ. i think he was so ready for it cause he loved her but he couldn’t have expected her to drop all her career options and just go with him to san francisco. i think he should’ve known her well enough but i also get why he didn’t wanna do long distance. i think he connected with her very well. in the way that pointed out her ICKS she never knew she had. she also was a trust fund baby with a rich family and is at Yale and doesn’t have to work through college. i hated that she never acknowledged that and thought she was some fucking hard worker. like yes you study a lot ma’am but you don’t work you’re not someone who knows what it’s like to worry about rent the next day. like damn she had a mom and she had her pool house shit and i also think it was so ungrateful the way she acted towards emily and richard. like they did so much shit for her and she took it for granted. yes they can be extreme but rory needs to be nicer. she is literally another pompous kid who attended an ivy league and she acted so high and mighty in that article ugh. anyways logan was able to show her that hey you have flaws too don’t think you’re perfect but also showed her her TRUE potential. he wanted her on a newspaper and wanted her things to excel and was there with her every step of the way. paid for an apartment, dor a car, and i feel she never really acknowledged that. it was frustrating. but he was frustrating in ways too with the bridesmaid things and the player things and the gambling with Colin and Finn (why did they exist) and yeah. but anyways 9/10

7. christopher hayden.

can i say i fully loathe this man? HATE. i despISE this man. the amount of times he messed up? the amount of times he broke rory and lorelai’s heart?? TOO MANY. he’s a dumb dad and he acts stupid with GG too and i stand by it and sherry is a bitch but damn oh damn did chris get himself in shit. lorelai was ready to marry him and be with him and he went to sherry. SHERRY DIDNT EVEN WANT THE KID. well she did and then it came by and she didn’t and then she left and that was confusing asf. cause she was over here talking rory’s ear off about chris and kids she was the most annoying character ever. hated her . BUT I HATE CHRIS MORE. then lorelai dated luke and pushed her and expected her to be with him and it to be fine. no. and thank god they split but damn the hurt lorelai went thru? it’s embarrassing when luke is the one at the hospital for lor’s dad instead of the husband. anyways it was stupud of him to always try. and then like mess it up between him and rory and act like a dad when he was barely there for her, but either way i’m happy he paid for yale and he’s out of their lives as much as he was in it.

8. emily.

EMILY MY LOVE. you are so stubborn and so conceited but damn do you love your family to the moon and back. this woman was a wife through and through and i have so much respect for her and it’s so weird because i’d never want that for me and it’s so traditional but she’s such a caring woman. only for her blood tho it’s so funny the way she could care less about those around her. um, i hate the rich things ya know the “status, and being poised” thibg but i have to realize it’s becaus of how she was raised and what she was taught was correct. i think lorelai never deserved that uobringing but i think emily tried her best in what she knew. and she tried to be better and wanted to be included in rory and lorelai’s life. even if she was always annoyed by lorelai’s jokes, she knew that was their dynamic and i loved that lorelai agreed to friday night dinners even after rory left it meant so much to her. and i love emily. she loves lorelai so much in her weird and twisted way, she does. that girl would kill for lorelai. i’d move mountains for this woman

9. richard

i needed time to get used to him at the beginning of the season but later on i found that i loved him too. the loving at first about the rory cryibg about yale thing was cute cause it was his first “i’m your grandpa i’d do anything and spoil you silly” event he ever experienced but it was so intense and i totally understood why he coddled her. i wish he didn’t cause it caused all the problems but it was necessary to see his love for her was strong.

they had to find ways in connecting in the beginning with the golf and the hat and books and all that but rory and richard were so close and i love that man. at the end, he saw no use in fighting with lorelai and even laughed at her jokes and was a mediator between emily and lor and the heart attack def did shit to him for him to say he knew lorelai was adored because she turned out to be a great person and that’s why the town loved her, it wa all so cute. i think at the end of the seasons we grow to love richard and emily so much so that we forget all the bad things they did.

kirk.

100000/10 he’s amazing i never would give him up.

enough daid, this show is great i love the complexities and i love the dynamic, the jokes, (some are problematic like the body shaming, r word, culture stereotyping, and sexuality jokes) i think that it was a great show focused on plot. i hated the first episode of the life thing the spin off i forget what it’s called, but you know. they made a lot of “spanish i don’t speak spanish” jokes and there’s barely still any diversity in the cast, and the jokes are so bad like they’re trying to be accepting of the lgbtq+ community but they made jokes so many times in season 7 that it can’t be ignored and like the amount of times they are so stereotypical to the asian community like “rory’s trip to asia”? like that whole episode was so rude with the hello kitty sign, but like idk

it’s a complicated show, i loved it and hated it, i have a love relationship with it that includes such tension it’s toxic. like i’m even hispanic and the whole bit of them not knowing soanish nor thinking they can learn a bit (idk as a inn owner maybe pick up a language/trade?) is not even that effecting to me cause i know them as characters on the show and the girls we grew to love are not like that at all. idk it’s so weird. idk y’all. anyways i finsihed it thank goodness now someone pls recommend new shows :))))

EXPLAINING SANREMO

(PART 1) Last week I was swept away, helpless, by the avalanche that is the Sanremo Song Festival and I am still recovering. For your safety, I’ve tried to keep the insanity contained on my Italian side blog. But I want to try to offer you a rough summary of what I’ve learned. Sanremo inspired the Eurovision Song Contest. Over five nights, 24 acts, each with a brand new song, compete at the Ariston theatre in Sanremo for a tacky little golden lion, and the glory of being the year’s Song for Italy. 2020 marked the 70th Sanremo, so depending on who you ask, it’s a venerable national treasure or it’s stale and embarrassing (Many Italians are sick of it. Or say they are, but see below.) It is also an EPIC STRUGGLE between THE FORCES OF GOOD AND EVIL FOR THE SOUL OF HUMANITY Let’s meet some of the protagonists: 

AKA: host Amadeus, entertainer and comedian Rosario Fiorello, il Bel Paese, and competitor Achille Lauro.

Amadeus got things off to a bad start before the show even began by praising his various female co-hosts - all seasoned TV professionals - for their beauty and their ability to stay “a step behind a man.” Outrage ensues, Amadeus claims he did not mean it like that, but keep this in mind for later. Also competing are Morgan (below, left) and Bugo (below, right.), who are performing a duet.

Going in, the one thing I know about Morgan is that on more than one occasion, he trashtalked my beloved and blameless Fabrizio Moro. So I hate him and want him to suffer. And apparently he has quite the reputation for throwing tantrums, picking on fellow-artists and sabotaging events he’s part of. But hey. He’s supposedly talented and Bugo clearly thinks he deserves another chance.  And we’re off!

Irene Grandi kicks things off with  “Finalmente Io” (“Finally Me”). But I’m starting with her not so much because she’s the first to sing as because I don’t think the song’s  got enough attention -- either for the fact that it bangs or for what it represents in the drama that’s about to unfold.

Finalmente Io is what, in the business, we call foreshadowing.

There’s a magical thing that happens to women with when they turn 40. The  develop Not-Giving-A-Fuck superpowers. The song is basically about that. It’s about freedom, and self-acceptance, and being 100% done with male bullshit. (It's also a bit of an ADHD anthem but let’s leave that aside for now.)  “I’ve lost all my patience, and all my fragility,” she sings. 

And, “If you want sex, let’s do it now. Heeeeeeere.”

Irene is the portent everyone misses, a harbinger of what is to come. 

Think of her as John the Baptist.  Onwards. So the first thing one discovers about the Sanremo Festival is that just because we have to get through 24 “big” acts AND 6 (?) new/junior artists, and they all have to perform multiple times, that doesn’t mean there’s any RUSH. Guest singers wander on and perform a song or ten. There’s comedy. We can stop everything to talk about football.  A lady comes on and talks for a million years about how her granny taught her that True Beauty is Found Within. There are also speeches about important subjects like violence against women. In fact, we are going to talk about that a lot, but also a bunch of competent and experienced female TV personalities are stuck taking turns at playing Amadeus’s Glamorous Assistant of the evening and he can’t shut up about how beautiful they all are while they cringe and lean subtly away from him. So it’s ... slow, and awkward, but within its own cheesy terms, things are normal. Too normal. Enter Achille Lauro. 

Softly, almost whispering, he begins to sing a song called  “Me ne frego”  (”I don’t care” - but with an edge of “fuck you”). This is both an everyday Italian expression and a fascist motto. Well, it was till now. 

A nation is convulsed. Right-wing Italian boomers are screaming because YOU! CAN’T! DO! THAT! AT! SANREMO! THERE! ARE! CHILDREN! WATCHING! Italian Tumblr, which like the rest of Tumblr is feral, thirsty and gay, is screaming for different reasons entirely. 

Achille, you scandalous creature, what have you done? What have you got to say for yourself?

Something strange and magical  has released and it cannot be contained. On with the songs. Good songs, bad songs, blah songs. I like “Tikibombom” by Levante - a love letter to weirdos and rebels, “Rosso di Rabbia” (Rage Red) by Anastasio about being, well, angry but scared you can’t do anything useful with it, and “Eden” by  Rancore, about... the nature of sin?? touching on everything from September 11 to the mafia to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.   However, this contest is being judged (mostly - it’s complicated) by an industry jury of FOOLS, COWARDS, and TRAITORS who KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO, so virtually all of the above artists are so far languishing towards the bottom of the provisional rankings. Achille ends up in 17th place and  Rancore at 22.

Truly, the light hath shone in the darkness and the darkness knoweth it not.

LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO RANCORE. 

Rapper down, repeat RAPPER DOWN. SEND HELP.

However, for people who went in implacably biased against Morgan, it’s not all bad news. "Sincero” (Sincere) by Morgan and Bugo is in last place. Whether this is anything to do with the song or because Morgan is a nightmare of a person who has systematically alienated everyone in the Italian music industry except the trusting Bugo ... we can but ponder.  Sanremo grinds on. Days blur into each other and I’m not even going to try to cover events in exact order. Sanremo knows no order. Sanremo is like the universe, linear time is a construct that doesn’t really exist, and chaos happens very, very slowly.  But meanwhile, somewhere on the astral plane:

At least that is what I deduce must have happened.

The competitors and guests look deep within themselves. Do they have what it takes? Are they ready to answer the call? 

Let’s see! It’s Covers Night! Which is also Duets Night!

That’s Elettra Lamborghini (yes, that Lamborghini) and Myss Keta.

 Are they in tune? No. Does it matter? ALSO NO.

Meanwhile ... something strange is brewing between Amadeus and Fiorello...

 But wait, PLOT TWIST.

Enter Roberto Benigni.

The beloved actor and director is the latest avatar of the Dionysian frenzy that has chosen Sanremo 2020 for the place of its birth. He is the One who will unite the electric queer mayhem and the impossible grinding tedium  of Sanremo. In him, the two strains will fuse and become unstoppable. He is going to talk about sex for twenty-six minutes

He reads from the Song of Songs, which ... I knew it was sexy, and all, but is it really like that? Do you ever think about NAKED BODIES? Roberto does. Do you believe in PHYSICAL LOVE? Roberto wishes you would. Anyway, just think of all the sex we could all be having, literally right now, right heeeeere, whether we are  “a woman, and her man. Or a man and his man. Or a woman, and her woman!” He is awful. He is magnificent. He is excruciating. He is spellbinding. We are hanging on his every word and we are considering chewing our own arms off to escape. He proposes an orgy in the orchestra pit. 

Hand on heart, all of that happened. Italian Tumblr, bear witness.

And what of Achille Lauro? He unleashed this madness upon us all,  is he just going to sit back and let everyone else do all the work? Of course not. Achille Lauro came to bring not peace, but a sword, to the world of toxic masculinity and gender in general and his work is not yet done.

”I too was once a little girl,” Achille sings.

Dressed as Bowie-as-Ziggy, Achille duets with Annalisa on “Gli Uomini Non Cambiano” - “Men Don’t Change”. It’s a heartbreaking song by Mia Martini from 1992 about male abuse of women, and not a single word, or a single pronoun has been changed.

However, although he’s the one in the competition, and the one dressed to dazzle, he leaves Annalisa the spotlight. It’s like she’s the tortured protagonist of the song and he’s a voice in her head, a sympathetic spirit who can’t swoop in to rescue her but can quietly affirm that she deserves better than the the hellish treatment she’s singing about. in fact, he pointedly stays a step behind her at all times. And she’s majestic. 

Of course, he’s not fucking DONE

He’s still got to sing “Me Ne Frego” again. Can he top the cape-drop? You be the judge.

So Italian Tumblr,  is now writhing on the carpet,  making a sound only bats can hear, and shitposting itself into delirium, but has it all been ENOUGH?

NO.

Poor Rancore has died again. Toxic masculinity still exists. Amadeus is still pretty gross. Everyone is going to have to GAY HARDER. CAN THEY DO IT? This post is, like Sanremo itself, getting insanely long, so ... STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO, in which Fiorello’s true nature as a chaos being is revealed, Amadeus faces his Calvary, and the gun on the stage goes off.  ----- UPDATE: Part 2 is here

Supernatural Season 15 & Sufjan Stevens' “The Ascension”

Teaser: there’s a song on this album called "Die Happy” where the lyrics are just “I want to die happy” for 5 minutes and 45 seconds. yeah. yeah.

Disclaimer: yes it’s all a stretch and I’m overthinking it but also… am I? (yes) 

long post time! know that reading ahead may hurt you and yes it does get worse the further down the track list you get 💕 have fun kids

So just to start off, I think it’s funny that something Sufjan’s discography & Supernatural have in common is the 15+ years of the internet arguing if it’s gay or not, and the answer ending up being yes. PLUS there’s the obvious connection of American mythos + mythology + calvinist themes (I am hissing) + religious trauma prevalent in both. 

If you’re a fan of both like I am, it’s easy to connect them— notable connections being songs like “John My Beloved” and “The Owl and the Tanager” or even “John Wayne Gacy Jr.”, but I’m going to focus on Sufjan's 2020 album, “The Ascension” since even the arc itself seems so connected to season 15 of Supernatural, specifically. 

At least in my head it does <3 enjoy 

MAKE ME AN OFFER I CANNOT REFUSE

When interviewed about the meaning of this track, Sufjan explains that this song is about asking God, “what do you have to say for humanity?” That it’s about desperation, creation, and devastation. It’s about frustration with divinity. Also the vibes are 10/10. Need I say more 

RUN AWAY WITH ME

This song is beautiful, it makes me want to sit in some grass and stare at the sky. 

Some lines that make me Dean/Cas crazy are the two lines in verse 1 and verse 2 that mirror each other by being in the same place melodically:

Verse 1: they will terrorize us / with new confusion / with the fear of life that seeks to bring despair within

Verse 2: I will bring you life / a new communion / with a paradise that brings the truth to light within

Yeahhh so the words “Despair” and “The Truth” were mirrored in this song yes it was coincidental yes I’m clinging to it. It fascinates me 

But this song is about begging someone to stay with you.

sweet falling remedy / come run away with me / you’re all I ever need

VIDEO GAME

My first thought when I heard this song was about how it was such a song for enneagram 4s. If you don’t know what that means, I think Dean is a 4 and wrote a post about it here. 

AND @trapperjohnmcintyre also made the connection between these lyrics and Dean in this post, and honestly I don’t need to say much more than that??

The song is about feeling paranoid and angry that God is controlling your every move and you can’t escape it (aka hating the doctrine of predestination). Of course it’s also about not wanting to follow societal scripts. 

You just want to have an easier life instead of the weight of good and evil resting on your back!!!

I don’t want to put the devil on a pedestal / I don’t want put the saints in chains / I just want to make my life a little easier / I don’t want to play your video game

Also these painful lines, as a treat: 

I don’t want to love you if you don’t receive it / I don’t want to save the world that way

Oh, I almost forgot, also. At the end, the narrator gives up. He’s like well I guess I can’t escape. Gotta follow the procedure. Gotta be a puppet.

I don’t want it to go down that way / but in a way you gotta follow the procedure / so go ahead and play your video game

  LAMENTATIONS

I don’t have much to say about this one but this line always makes my heart ache idk:

I was only thinking of human kindness

TELL ME YOU LOVE ME

Here we gooooooo. Y’all aren’t ready.

Thesis: Tell me you love me despite the primordial darkness about to overtake me. And even if you don’t, I’m going to love you. 

15x18 Despair anyone?? 

I want to just paste the whole song but, here—

DIE HAPPY

Yep, "Die Happy" immediately follows "Tell Me You Love Me." Yes, the lyrics are just “I want to die happy” over and over for almost 6 minutes. 

First of all, the repetition mirrors the end of the song Fourth of July, from Sufjan’s previous album Carrie & Lowell, where Sufjan sings “we’re all gonna die” over and over.

Parallels, baby.

But I noticed something else about this recently though— in Die Happy, if you are listening to it in your headphones, there’s this weird sound that sounds like a wasp flying around your head (it made me uncomfortable which is why I noticed it, haha). After I felt unnerved for a moment, I had a realization— that this could be referencing one of Sufjan’s most beloved songs, “The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out To Get Us!!” (yes that’s a real song title lol)

The Predatory Wasp is about how Sufjan fell in love with his best friend at the Bible Camp he went to as a teenager. The wasp is a metaphor for internalized homophobia and also his love and how he fears his love will hurt the boy he’s in love with. 

So, Die Happy references an iconic song from Illinois (2005) with these notable lines:

Tl;dr: 

I want to die happy vs. I can’t explain the state that I’m in / the state of my heart / he was my best friend

Here’s an Despair photoset with Predatory Wasp lyrics via @toneelspeelster. 

ATIVAN

So your best friend has just died happy by being in love with you. You feel like the primordial darkness is on YOU now:

I woke up in stereo—I spent the day in vertigo / I could not get the spirit off my back

You’re once again tossed in the waves of thinking that God is fucking with you. But either way you just want to be tranquilized at this point. 

Is it all for something? Is it all part of a plan / tranquilize me, sanitize me, Ativan

Is it all for nothing? Is it all part of a plan? / make my death wish, mind my business / do the best I can with what I am

Ativan asks, was the true leading woman all this time… substance abuse?? 

Ativan / my leading woman

Long story short, you’re drunk on communion wine, asking the shadows to come back.

fill me with the blood of Jesus / clean my plate 'til he receives us / separate the colors from the black / ... / tell the shadows near us to come back

 URSA MAJOR & LANDSLIDE

Not a lot to say about this (even though I love these songs) so I’m gonna skip mostly, but the narrator has decided he wants to love you, he can’t help it <3 

GILGAMESH

Oh boy. 

I mean you kinda know what’s coming because of the title. The Epic of Gilgamesh is the world’s oldest piece of epic world literature, and Gilgamesh was “the first hero of human history.” 

In the world’s oldest story, The Epic of Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh and Enkidu are “very close friends” (their relationship is very homoerotic and this is barely disputed). Gilgamesh calls Enkidu his brother, and they are mutually selfless towards each other but when Enkidu dies, indirectly because of Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh has a breakdown and mourns him like that of a spouse and then has to come to terms with his own mortality. 

The meta level of this is so obvious I’m not even going to go into it. Anyways… here are lyrics that make me want to scream! 

the repetition of “my heart”... the concept of singing a eulogy.... saying your heart is chained to Your Angel............ it hurts

DEATH STAR

Star Wars reference my beloved. Like many of these songs this has Fuck You God energy.

what you call the human race / expedite the judgement day / it’s your own damn head on that plate

vandalize what you create / ... / witness me resist your fate / it’s your own damn head on that plate

 GOODBYE TO ALL THAT

This song is a bop honestly 

When the lyrics were released a bunch of Sufjan fans contrasted Goodbye To All That’s here I am alone in my car / hopelessly infatuted / and I’m driving to wherever you are to Sufjan & Moses Sumney’s song, “Make Out in My Car”.

Yeah, I know, we’re all thinking of this:

Make Out in My Car is basically where Moses gave Sufjan a horny car guy chorus and told him to write the verses, and Sufjan proceeded to write the most liturgical shit ever (and we love him for it). ANYWAYS… Goodbye To All That also reminds me of Dean’s depression and the weirdness that started in 15x19 and goes into 15x20. For some reason he makes it seem more upbeat and happy than it is...

Despite this song being a bop, the lyrics are depressing. He’s alone in his car. He’s hopeless. He realizes it’s too late to have died a young man. 

He’s going to try to move on, even though nothing is left of him, he’s begging someone to turn around and show me his shadow.

He also references substance abuse again—

love me / and leave me / intoxicated

  SUGAR

The music video? Iconic. The mom of a family is making a pie, or she’s trying to. She ends up rubbing the filling all over her face, crushing the fruits, the oven catches on fire. 

But she does it! She makes the pie. 

Meanwhile the other family members are in their rooms, overindulging in sugar in all its forms. And then as she and her family eat around a dining table, occassionally being seemingly marrioetted by some unseen force, she looks angrily over her family, they all seem to kind of lose it, then the house starts to come apart until the chandelier falls on the dinner table. 

It’s the making pie + overindulgence in sugar + marionetted family metaphors for me ❤️ 

Ultimately, the song is about begging for affection, being desperate for domesticity, but you feel doomed, you feel like your defeat is predestined, that you can’t escape it.

You just don’t want to be heartbroken & you don’t want to be angry anymore!!!!

  THE ASCENSION

So you may be asking… does this guy get the domesticity he’s longing for?? Does he get his love back?? 

No. He dies. :/

The Ascension begins with just that. He’s dying.

THEN Sufjan decides to rhyme “confess” with “confess”, in two lines that mean almost opposite things:

When I am dead / and the light leaves my breast / nothing to be told / nothing to confess / let the record show / what I couldn’t quite confess

So does this guy have something to confess or not??? 👀

Moving on… 

He goes back to thinking about how his life was predestined all along, and now after all that, he’s dying. So he thinks about all the times he was kind of like this Mythological Icon. That he always had to be the one to show what was right, to lead by example. That that had been his entire identity. 

And he realizes he needs to answer for himself. 

Then he is frightened— realizing he was always asking what everything meant, what it all was for, but that all along he was just angry and depressed.

But even though he feels a like he should have just resigned himself to meaninglessness, that he only thought he could change the world for the better… it strengthened him to know the truth.

And even through the absolute shit of it all, and even though God & others did things from a place of so-called holiness and hopelessness...

He did everything out of love ❤️

So then he dies 🙃

AMERICA

So, as the end of The Ascension asked, what now? 

The album ends on this long track, which Sufjan describes as a protest against all that America has been and has become. 

It’s a protest against capitalism, of destroying humanity for the sake of some cold machinery. 

I have worshipped / I believed / I have broke your bread / for a splendor of machinery

And in true Sufjan fashion, he makes this song about protesting somehow both horny and religious, god bless

I have loved you / like a dream / I have kissed your lips / like a Judas in heat

I have worshipped / I have cried / I have put my hands in the wounds on your side / I have tasted of your blood / I have choked on the waters / I abated the flood / I am broken / I am beat / but I will find my way / like a Judas in heat

I am fortune / I am free / I’m like a fever of light / in the land of opportunity / don’t do to me / what you did to America / don’t do to me / what you do to yourself

  to finish out, here’s a DeanCas post by @eggcessive with lyrics from America ❤️ I HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY WEBWEAVING :)