#I am all sorts of emotions right now
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FINALLY GOT A FUCKING ANSWER. Friends friends friend boys and girls 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡
#mine#I am dumb af#I am all sorts of emotions right now#I feel sad upset stupid and angry#disappointed at myself#just dropped like $60 on her last night to be a distraction#had to pry out an answer of what she wanted to do or be because straight up answers are apparently hard#I guess they would be hard if you give them knowing the other person is about to stop making you feel cared and loved for#love when people use previous conversations against you and then say something like that’s a yellow flag for me but yet you have said time#and time again you don’t do yellow flags it’s either green or red you’ve said that#because of course it’s easier to pick something and not give a straight up answer#my yellow flag was i had said in the beginning I have walls up with people because I’m scared to be vulnerable#🤡🤡🤡#probably because I’ve been used by every relationship in my life 🙃 but you know yellow flag y’all to want to be careful#I’m mad#now I’m just sad#deena when you look back at this remember you want to receive what you give if you don’t receive what you give STOP WITH THE FALSE HOPE
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thinking about frankenstein's monster again, not anything in particular just kinda brain rotating him like he's the well liked side character of a bad shonen anime
#i'm always thinking about jekyll and hyde though i've been obsessed with those guys since i was way younger#but mister frankenstein's monster has wormed his way into my heart#i'm much too sleepy right now to finish it but when i wake up i hope to continue a video i was watching about the original novel#the concept of frankenstein's monster itself just astounds me it's so great#just everything about it#it feels like a commentary of sorts and maybe it is maybe it isn't#i thought to be thy adam but i am rather the fallen angel#victor is his creator and while not necessarily his god the monster is HIS adam#while the monster had to learn the customs of man he did not truly have to learn how to be man itself#he was created with emotion and the abilities man posses#all he ever wanted was to live and as a creature born with the passion to live amongst men as much as any other man he couldn’t#a hell within itself#and a hell that he did not deserve#a tragedy he could not help and a series of tragedies that overcame him#to not be able to be loved by man and yet be surrounded by him is a worse fate than death#he surely would have rather never lived at all#or maybe been invisible to man entirely#i have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe#if i cannot satisfy the one i will indulge the other#he is a creature of emotion cursed to a life of blind rage#in any other world would he have met a different fate? not at all#man cannot change and he cannot change how he first perceived man and how he was perceived by him#maybe im crazy though#i am crazy im a crazy person!!!#nimposting
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I saw a thing, that was not about me, and was addressing an issue that was not about me. But the way it was said still hurt me. Made me kinda angry in fact. But! Commenting on the thing! Will not make the thing that is not about me better! Will in fact make it worse!
But I still want to do something with my hurt.
Which is why I have created this artisanal vaguepost instead! Because it's okay that I feel hurt and angry, even if the thing is small, and not pointed at me. This post makes me feel better and will (hopefully) not Create Discourse.
(And maybe someone else can relate to How Brave and Noble I am being by not trying to demand that a post not about me be about me. So Brave.)
#sigh#emotions are silly sometimes#really there is a lot of Other Life Stuff going on#which is why I feel sort of tender in the first place#maybe there's a useful way to engage but Im definitely not in the right place to find it!#but now I am releasing it into the world#and by tomorrow I suspect it won't matter very much at all
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All time worst day possibly!?!
#suffice it to say my dad was taken off life support and after intensely emotional goodbyes...he is still alive#which somehow complicates things even more which is in and of itself awful#didn't know it until today but turns out this state has sort of a grey area for euthanasia#and that was what the doctors considered the next step#and we didn't realize it right away#but now we know and have an impossible choice. neither choice is nice and both outcomes are horrible#literally every step of this whole incident has been the worst possible outcome#and i am very tired and the ethical implications of it all made my throat start to close up earlier. so that's new
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#stomach knots of courss now#I love to have normal emotions and feelings about all sorts of things :)#I am a prefectly normal thinker who is feeling very good and normal right now#I am not so far in my own head that it feels like I'm drowning#and Im definitely not gonna throw up#all good here
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ok ok listen…….. what if i made a oc verse set in m*etriod.. like a clown or two set in the verse ✨👁🥀❣️
#for the audience of me hehe but they’re the clowns of my heart at the moment along with t*lou clowns and the asoiaf dears hehe#i mean ive had this storyline in my mind since i was like.. a kid and playing the remaster of p*rime it brought back all those memories? ✨😭#they were some of my first ocs too ! and returning to them again with fresh eyes im like.. a little emotional u know?#likely will yell more on ye olde oc blog but wanted to hear the besties thoughts on it if i were to talk about it?#(though i may transition them to an original verse instead but for now ! that’s where they’ll be hehe 🖤)#but ! yea ! for setting its like.. g*ot in space skzjjzjx and the empire is the liege lords of the space pirates hehe#they were brought up by the c*hozo and ofc they disappear and this gave the current empress an in to overthrow the old emperor#(and dad of one of the antagonist/deuteragonists !)#so that’s a little bit of it !#leg.txt#*personal#i am thinking as well of like a sort of a*nastasia sort of plot where a princess (and the daughter of the new empress) loses her memory ?#her love interest is the son of the old emperor and the current right hand of the new empress (its actually what she’s using against him ?)#(that he loves her and for that she would zero her if he didn’t aid her in overthrowing his father? it’s a time to be them!)#he was also brought up and raised by the same c*hozo who raised s*amus so they’re childhood friends !#basically he can’t stand her now bc he isn’t aware of her memory being gone and thinks she’s her hostage sksjzjjx#a bit of a misunderstanding going on! in later things he joins the team but! and he also has a brother as well!#and there’s a director of r&d who’s a bit of a snob and an master of intelligence who join the team too later!
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vent post time pardners
part of my issues with the way I experience time is that one day to everybody else can feel like literal WEEKS for me. It's not every day, but some days, especially when I spend most of it writing or inside, not interacting with people, I feel as if I've gone multiple days/weeks without talking to anybody.
this then exacerbates my issues/fears that if somebody doesn't talk to me much for a day, they suddenly hate me. so if I'm perceiving one day wherein I don't talk to people much as more like 10-11 days, all of a sudden I'm panicking that everyone hates me and never wants to talk to me again because I've only said maybe 2-3 things to them over the course of what is, IRL, only one day. because I'm perceiving that to be ten times longer instead of the actual span of time that it is.
does this make literally any sense. is this like, a common occurrence for other people? i would like for it to stop pls, because it really fuckin tanks my mental health and i'm So Tired of that happening.
(more vent in the tags)
#tw vent post#is this an ADHD thing?#i just really need to stop tying my emotional state to the idea of how many people like me still also#like i need to stop relying on other people to make myself feel better#but I also don't know how to do THAT because so much of what makes me feel alright is like. sharing things with people.#so i don't know how to sort that out and make it so i'm not tying all of my emotional state to how people respond to me yknow?#it doesn't help that when i get into these one-day-is-twenty-days states my brain starts scrambling and i stop thinking coherent thoughts#i think what i really need is just. A Therapist lmao#but for now i will simply shout it into the tumblr void as i do#sometimes it's nice to just get the feelings out so they stop burning a hole in my chest yknow#none of this is helped by the fact that i feel like i can't talk to any of the people i actually LIVE WITH about how i feel#because my dad while trying is not super supportive of my gender exploration which makes me wary to talk to him about ANYTHING#even though i know he would be able to help me out with mental illness type stuff#i just don't trust him even though i love him so much#and ofc i don't want to burden any of my friends with any of this shit because none of it feels substantial. like i know i'll feel better#tomorrow and i won't ever even think about this again because that's just How I Am#but right now i just want it all to stop. lobotomy sounds so sexy and cool /hj
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Thanks to Stroob tho my demons aren't rotting me from the inside anymore. I'm still gonna get them out in the tags because the rot always comes back but like, my ribs aren't fucking disintegrating anymore, so thank u, you demonic fruit
#ok so im fucking. i feel fucking. aaaa so messed up about cGogy because on one hand. he makes me bitter#for a number of reasons#on the other hand i feel really fucking bad about being bitter. its a painful upset from which there is no reprieve#because i like cGeorge when i write him and in certain fics i find. but so much of it just adds to the Rot#and it eats me up inside because i have. no fucking clue if my problem with his character is like. Valid#or if its just personal issues made paper flesh#everyone else seems to like him just fine. he's a sweet little meow meow. whats wrong with me#i dunno whenever i get too messed up about it i just write for him#as if in some fucked up sort of apology#i dont even know how to begin to explain. theres no one to talk about it with#i feel like the fucking flower lung disease. hacking up petals trying to contain the intensity of the emotion#fuck this is stressful. theyre just characters why do i feel so bad about it#projection. thats the word. projecting. is my character interpretation correct or am i doing that#does it matter? i feel like it matters. i dont want to dislike a character for the wrong reasons#i dont want to dislike anyone at all really. makes me feel sad.#Im writing him right now cuddling with Dream. trying to fix it. its sortve working#doesnt make the feeling go away completely. but im happy for a while i guess#blah. tldr i dont like certain aspects of cGogy and it makes me feel like a bad person because i suspect its projection#and everyone else is fine with him so it probably is and im just a little silly#and if i cant trust myself to be impartial with him can i trust any of my interpretations at all?#will my writing suffer because of this?#jesus i need to lay down#Suds Soapbox#<== tagged post-laydown in case I need to find this post again for some godforsaken reason
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I LOVE FINAL FANTASY SO MUCH
#🌙.rambles#coping mechanism!!!! all left i have to do for school this week is just smth easy for math :] then after that it's the weekend n all#i will use fiction ! as an escape ! wooooo . my thoughts are suffocating. n i am so goddamn tired c:#fuck i am so tired of being trapped in my mind n being bind down by my past n everything. just everything#wait i feel like crying why is dynamis playing god i love ff sm.... i am actually crying rn it saved me. it really saved me back then. n no#i am such a goddamn slave to sentiment. to nostalgia. to memories n the past n everything i have lived through. it all means sm to me n#that's one reason why it hurts. i love it all so much but it's so fleeting it hurts.... oh this is bad i am actually crying a lot right now#how do i carry it all? how do i remember it all? i can't die i can't forget i can't deny all these bcs as much as it hurts#it reminds me that i'm alive yk? these memories these words serve as proof that. in the past. once upon a time it really was real#n the concept of reality is something i'm so weak to bcs it feels so lonely in my inner worlds#oh despite all this pain i'm still soft at heart huh. i'm crying so much.#so much thoughts i have. that i don't know how to write. but i try so much to share what i can despite how afraid i often get#when you live a life i have. in these worlds i have. in my head. it's so lonely. it's so so lonely#n. god ffxiv makes me so vulnerable in a way that. fiction is something that's. i really grew up with it being#sometimes even stronger or more present than my own reality#i've always loved the stars too. the moon. celestial beings. everything i've read in those books; whether it be fiction or non-fiction#but always. always something far from my reach. so to have something so real to be a part of#wait i'm crying even more i remember again HAHA fuck wait listening to dynamis rn is making me even more emotional#hermes as a character. i feel like he felt like he didn't belong. he wanted answers. to be understood. to understand.#n we're so similar in that regard. n i'm so weak to those sort of similarities yk? it means sm to me when i've always felt so different#ffxiv here is. it's fiction. so i can freely lose myself here. fly as high as i can without fear of. idk. maybe the#vulnerability n ephemerality of reality...? it's so beautiful. it really is n i wonder if i ever really belong there#sob i realize. there. i've been so accustomed to always reaching out futiley to something i can't have. does not exist. or yeah#reaching out to a past i cannot relive. just to remember again how it was exactly in those moments. or a future i'm uncertain of#or the present. which i'm not ever quite sure about what exactly it is. or what's going on. or myself.#understanding. understanding.... until i understand all i can of this world n finally accept that i too am living n real. i won't give up.#there's so much to life that will forever be left undone. i'll do as much as i can. so i can hold unto my humanity. unto reality. im crying#i did not expect to cry so much tonight;;; but maybe i still underestimate the pain i carry. i deserve too the kindness that i give others#because i'm human too. i'm young. n i know what that means to me. sm thoughts sm words it hurts sm im crying. but fuck that i'm still alive#i'm so confused i'm so lost. on what really is my reality. on who i am. god it's so overwhelming i don't know where to start it hurts .
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Good morning from me and Toby
#Kelp tracks#it's always sort of weird to come back and see how this place has changed#I am having emotions right now#Found out yesterday of all the (old) people I grew up with on this street my grandma and a neighbor are the only ones still living#And the neighbor will be going to a home soon since he's in his 90s#There's still a couple of the younger generation (my dad's) but#Almost everyone I knew is gone#It's not something that hits until I'm here#I think I'm understanding some things
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Redressed my nail again, taped my finger so I don't injure the joint, did this whilst listening to Valin's playlist, got emotionally T-boned when "Dress" came on, now I am doing my leg exercises, the usual... Goodnight, everyone.
#My sleeping pills are working fine however... So I will sleep now.#I feel a little melancholic...#I have a strange emotion inside of me since a few days ago.#I had a dream where I met Atsushi. I woke up and I felt a bittersweet emotion I can't describe.#It was very out of nowhere. Sort of in-passing. I tend not to encounter recognisable people in my dreams.#Or people at all. My dreams are empty nonsense. It was unusual.#Everything in that dream was a kind of dark blue. Bathed in that kind of light. I thought that was interesting.#Doesn't make me happy or sad. Just makes...#I don't know. I suppose right now I am ''sad''. My throat hurts because my muscles are crushing it like a tin can so I don't cry.#Hah...#Regardless. Goodnight everyone...#I come back to this post after an hour to make a kind of edit in the tags.#I feel much better now. And I imagine moreso when I go to sleep and wake up.#Goodnight everyone. Kiss kiss...
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#tag talk#I think one of the reasons therapy is so hard is that it's not like I show up and talk about the problem I have.#I show up and have to list all thirty seven problems and explain how their separate and how they're intertwined#I had my third hour-long appointment with my therapist who I feel genuinely hopeful about and there's still issues I haven't talked about#and I get that a lot of these separate issues are really just a basket of extreme symptoms from a few core issues#but it's been so long that they've grown and rooted on their own so it's not just a matter of digging out the original roots. not anymore.#and I do feel like I've made progress. I've made immense progress. the mood stabilizer alone is giving me loads of new data to process.#without it the mood phase I'm in right now would be morose and gloomy with manic energy turned inward to self loathing.#I started that direction a day or so ago because I forgot/didn't care to take my meds and started slipping#but I took my pills and bam I leveled out. and that's nice. I feel calm and serene.#hmm. I've been like this before though. after some sort of emotional high which I did have for a bit.#idk. I'm hopeful I'm positive I'm optimistic but still#I need to talk to my therapist about the feeling like a joke. I'm weird I'm interesting I'm novel I'm strange I know it already.#I'm lonely#I'm tired of being different. of being set apart. of being holy. divine.#I want to be normal. not a spectacle to gawk at or even appreciate. I want to be unremarkable. I want to fit in.#my therapist has enjoyed talking with me. I'm very funny. very charming. tough to keep up with apparently.#those things are intended as compliments but they also just remind me of how alone I am. different. set apart.
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Friend breakups suck but they suck so much more when you've already made amends with the fact you're not going to be friends and the other person keeps demanding apology after apology to "put their mind at ease".
If apology 1 wasn't good enough I don't think apology 2 is going to make you feel much better and by apology 3 when you're telling me what to say back to you it really just makes me start to resent you when all I wanted was for this to just be a simple parting of ways
#emotionally exhausting smh#on top of all the many many other things emotionall exhausting me right now#I do not have the wherewithal to deal with this.#there are 4 other people involved and she is twisting all of our words against us#but no lie the argument that started the friend breakup happened in MAY!!! may of 2023 and here we are in January '24 and she still w#wont let it go#personal shite#I do not have time for people who get mad at me for saying things I didn't say. and blame me and call me shitty because I didn't say#stuff that I actually did in fact say but she just didn't listen!!#I'm so bitter#and want to go off on her#but at the same time this was a close friend of five years. like slept at our house. helped her through troubling emotional moments.#mailed her gifts and she mailed me gifts in return like honest heartfelt friendship. and she's just turned and gotten so nasty and#for what? a situation where she failed to see the nuance and we tried to explain it to her and she refused to listen? Jesus Christ????!#so because of our past I feel like I have to try and make her understand where Im coming from here. and try to get her to see reason.#but she's acting pretty Fucking delusional and im sort of tired of having these big emotional conversations#where I have to be the better man and put my emotions and feelings aside to rational explain the situation to her#AND for her to text me at 4 am about it so this is the first thing I see when I wake up is making me a little Mad to say the least#like i went to bed feeling shitty about the world after spending basically the whole day depressed laying in one spot spiraling#and woke up hoping to start ~fresh~ only to see THIS are you SHIDDING me#gawd I'm tired
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my masks
hey there buckaroos. due to all of the attention the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION situation has gotten i am going to take a minute to talk about my personal way as an autistic buckaroo. im going to tell you about my masks.
im doing this for a few reasons, some are good FUN reasons full of love and some are not so great.
lets start with the GOOD STUFF. first of all, i am talking about this because speaking on my way can help other buckaroo feel more comfortable speaking on there own way, ESPECIALLY if they are good at ‘passing’ for neurotypical like chuck is.
unfortunately the NOT SO GREAT reasons im talking about all this dang stuff are two fold. reason one: i have been put into a position of having to explain and justify my needs and boundaries by the TXLA. this is not something that i WANT to be taking up all of my time, but when large organizations do not make space for those who they have pledged to support, it puts us smaller buckaroos into position where were have to defend our existence. it is not plesent but it is necessary.
the second NOT SO GREAT reason is that ‘passing’ bisexual and autistic people like myself are ALWAYS just seconds from being gatekept from folks both outside and inside these communities. there will probably be a day on chucks deathbed where i take off my mask and say hello to this timeline (mostly so you can all see how handsome i am under here but I DIGRESS). i KNOW with absolute certainty (the same way other bi and autistic buckaroos are probably nodding along right now) that when that day comes i will STILL be accused of ‘not being real’ and ‘faking’ because i ‘dont look autistic’ and i have a beautiful ladybuck partner in sweet barbara.
ALL THAT IS TO SAY, i am taking a moment today to talk FOR THE RECORD about my neurodigence and my particular needs. hopefully i will not have to keep diving this deep every time an organization takes a discrimantory action against me, but i will also say this: at least it is a good fight on an important battlefield
anyway buds, here is the story of my way on the spectrum
when i was a young buckaroo i knew that my thought process was different. i could socialize easily, which is unique in contrast to many autistic buds (it is a spectrum after all), but my social ease was for an interesting reason. I ALWAYS KNEW WHAT OTHERS WERE ABOUT TO SAY. it was like a strange ‘human game’ where someone would say one thing and i would think ‘well you actually mean something else’ in a sort of logical way (this is why i later related to DATA from star trek so dang much). at first i remember thinking ‘well i am just NOT going to play along with this human game’. i quickly learned neurotypical buckaroos do not like this, that there is a BOB AND WEAVE to social interactions that must be learned.
later i realized ‘actually if i WANT to make friends and prove love is real then i can do this like an expert because i can SEE the game where most cant’. this got chuck many buds and took me on many adventures. please understand, i am not saying these connections are not important to me, they are just different. they are full of love, but i express this in my own unique way.
HOWEVER, while growing up i felt disconnected from this timeline in other ways, like an alien or a reverse twin trotting along in a world that is not quite my own. i did not feel emotions the same way my buds did. they would get upset over the ‘human game’ interactions and i would not be moved at all, HOWEVER i could see the way sunlight hit a window and start crying my dang eyes out over the beauty. so my emotion was still there and VERY STRONG, i just felt it in more existential ways (like hearing the call of the lonesome train). these days that feeling has progressed to where i am pretty much in a constant blissed out state of cosmic emotional connection (make of that last sentence what you will, but it is the truth). when i make existential posts online i am not just FIRING OFF SOME CONTENT, i really mean every word. this is really my trot.
anyway as a young buckaroo these feelings made me worry sometimes. i thought about various mental health dianosises and marked the parts and pieces that matched with myself. am i this? am i that? sometimes, instead of just being’ different’ i worried i might actually be ‘wrong’.
when i saw david byrne on letterman in my younger days i immediately recognized something connected to myself. i thought ‘wow this is the mystery being solved before my very eyes.’ i could hear it in the music of talking heads too. i started doing research and realized that i might be on autism spectrum, something that was later confirmed by a therapist (back then the diagnosis was called asperger's). it was a glorious and fulfilling moment. i was SO EXCITED TO BE AUTISTIC LIKE MY HERO. i felt very cool because of it, and i still feel very cool because of it.
one of the big reasons i talk so much about being autistic these days is because i want to make sure OTHER buckaroos can have that same moment that i did. they can see chuck and think ‘wow i really like this autistic artist, maybe being autistic is cool’
so what does an average day WITHOUT wearing the pink bag look like for me?
my thought process is exactly like ROSE from CAMP DAMASCUS, which is part of why i wrote the book. we have the same stim (complex order of finger taps), we prepare for social interactions the same way, we analyze things in the same logical trot that neurotypical people might think feels ‘detached’ but for me feels natural (certain reviews of camp damascus are very funny to me in this way. you can tell when a reader is just very confused by existing in an autistic brain for 250 pages.)
from the outside you would not be able to tell that i am on the spectrum. in fact you would probably find me very socially adept.
the problem is, all of that masking can take its toll. i spent years trotting in and out the emergency room, talking to confused doctors who could not figure out the chronic phantom tension and pain that radiated through my body. i eventually accepted the fact that i would either live a life constantly on heavy painkillers or just stop living altogether.
eventually, however, i started noticing a correlation between the way that i felt, and the space that i allowed for chuck and the pink mask. i was exercising that tension, allowing my mental mask of neurotypical existence to take a rest. i started practicing physical therapy and this time THE RESULTS STUCK because i was approaching from two sides, MIND AND BODY. after a while, i got my pain down to about 5 percent of what it once was. i still have flare ups in times of stress, but the healing has been very real and life changing.
lets get VERY specific now. if i attended the TXLA confrence without a mask and gave my talk i can tell you this: i would do a dang good job. i can work the heck out of a crowd and (not to reveal too much about my secret way) I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DO THIS ON OCCASION VERY WELL. however, going home from this event i would very likely be in pain. i would likely need to do physical therapy. i would likely need to stim for a while. i would NOT be emotionally fullfilled in the same way. in other words, without my pink mask i can charm the heck out of buckaroos, but THE SPACE OF CHUCK TINGLE IS NOT THE SPACE FOR THAT. the pink bag is a place for me to not have to put up with that tension. it is a place for me to unmask mentally by masking physically.
this pink bag space SAVED MY LIFE and i am not going to risk blurring these lines. if and when that ever happens it will be MY decision, not someone elses. that is my boundary. the part of me that neurotypically masks could handle a library conference in a purely technical sense, but the part of me that chuck represents absolutely cannot and should not be asked to do that without the pink bag. unfortunately, the complexity of this point makes it even MORE difficult for me to think about and takes up even more of my time, because it forces me to START QUESTIONING MYSELF and my own needs. to be honest, that is the most insidious part of other people questioning your identify and refusing to accept your accommodation needs without ‘proof’.
the thing is, while all of this discussion of disability and accessibility is important, i have a much larger point to make by writing these words.
a conference should not uninvite someone with an unusual physical presentation or a strange way of speaking REGARDLESS of it being classified as a disability. it does not matter WHY i look the way that i look and wear what i wear. i should not have to spend all day writing this post instead of writing my next book, just because my sensibilities are unique and my presentation is unusual.
fortunately the solution is very simple: let other people be themselves. its not hurting you to simply accept and nod at the buckaroos you think look strange. let us exist
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angsty fight between miguel and wife!reader
and then they make up yayayayay
Give Me Reasons We Should Be Complete
✿ฺ Paring ➳❥ Miguel O’Hara x F!Reader
✿ฺ Summary ➳❥ Miguel has been pushing you away for some time now. After a talk with a friend, you and Miguel try to sort things out.
✿ฺ (A/n) ➳❥ Inspired by “DANCING IN THE DARK” by Joji. Writing this made me think back on past crushes/lovers. But thank you for your request! I am also holding back on writing smut because it keeps getting labeled and it takes me longer to write.
✿ฺ Word Count ➳❥ 1.4k
✿ฺ Content Warnings ➳❥ Female reader, angst-to-fluff, swearing, Miguel is kinda a dick head, mentions of sleep deprivation…
Want more Miguel content? Check out my MASTERLIST!
You stood in his cold and dark office. The best source of light was his laptop but his huge frame blocked most of the light. You managed around the crumbled paper and thrown desk objects with a plate in hand.
“Miguel?” You peer over his shoulder, “I made you dinner.”
He nods.
“You know you haven’t eaten since yesterday.”
He nods again.
“And you know that you’ve been here for a long time. I think it’s best for you to-”
“Take a break?” Miguel interrupts you, “I don’t have time for that.”
“Miguel, I’m sure whatever it is, it can wait a few minutes. All I’m asking is for you to eat something.” You try to set the plate down.
“I thought I made it clear that I do not want to be bothered. You’re distracting me. Leave.”
He didn’t mean it like that… He didn’t mean it like that. He didn’t mean it like that. He didn’t mean it like that…
“But Mig-”
“I said go.” He growls, his eyes turning its blood red from anger, “You’re becoming a nuisance.”
He didn’t mean it like that.
“Okay.” You tried not to let the crack in your voice show. You didn’t even bother to leave the plate behind because you knew it was going to be wasted.
“And don’t bother me again.” You heard him say as you left his office.
You took deep breaths, trying to calm yourself down before you burst into tears. But your hands shook, nearly dropping the plate.
You choked down your sobs and let your tears fall, the plate was left in the fridge, and you pushed yourself to your bedroom. It was basically yours now since Miguel was sleeping in his office.
The sheets no longer lingered on his cologne and any sign of his presence was gone, other than his clothing and a few photos. The room has become a mess of discarded clothing, old plates and cups, and candy wrappers.
How long has it been since Miguel showed affection? Or even looked at you?
This was normal behavior for Miguel, right? You should know, you’re married to him. You’re his wife. But he experienced loss, unlike you. You didn’t want to judge him for how he deals with his emotions, he’s emotionally distant. You knew that from the start.
And because of this, you felt like he deserved more than what you could give him. It’s what kept you going through the many times Miguel tore your heart, how it squeezed in pain at his actions and words. How you look the other way and ignore his hurtful words.
You couldn’t sleep. You left the still cold bed and dressed in something warm and headed up to the roof.
You sat on the edge, looking at Nueva York. How beautiful it looked during the night, which is one of the reasons why you liked sitting up here.
“Sitting all by yourself?” You tense up only to relax when you know that voice, “At this time? All alone?” Peter B. lands next to you, his daughter in his arms.
“I would ask my husband to join me but he’s too busy.” You respond truthfully.
“Again? He’s been at this all week.” He sits next to you.
“Yeah.” You huff.
“And… how are you holding up?”
“I’m fine.”
“Really? Because it doesn’t look like it.” He offers Mayday who reaches out to you.
You take her and set her down on your lap, “I just don’t know what to do, everything I do seems to bother Miguel. Checking up on him, bringing him food. It feels like he’s doing this on purpose.”
“Miguel’s always been difficult and from the time I spent with him… He’s different, not like the rest of us. He’s accepted his fate as Spider-Man and believes he’s destined for bad things 24/7. But good things do come along, like you. I think… I think he’s trying to come to terms that he can get it because he deserves it.”
Mayday coos, pulling at your hair, “And I think Miguel is scared. He puts on his tough act because he has to, yet he’s afraid to admit he’s scared. Normally, people would’ve given up on him. Why haven’t you?
“Till death do us part. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t give up on him because when you love someone, you love them every single day as who they are.”
“Talk about romantic.”
“Oh please.” You look down at Mayday, “Plus I think-”
“There you are.” You jump and this time, you remain tense, “I was looking for you.”
“Now you’re looking for me?” You respond, refusing to turn your head.
“It’s late, (Y/n). It’s dangerous.”
“I’m here, she’s alright.” Mayday jumps into her father’s arms.
“I’ve already had enough of you. Please, (Y/n).”
“It’s fine.” You tell him, following Miguel inside.
You head to the bedroom, “Where are you going?”
“Bed.”
“(Y/n)-”
“I’m tired and I do not want to be bothered. That includes you too, Miguel.”
“Excuse me?” He follows you into the bedroom.
“You heard me.”
“Please, (Y/n), talk to me.” Miguel begs.
“I’m sorry, did you just say talk? Like I have been trying to do for the past week?”
“(Y/n)-”
“You know what? No, no. You do not get to try to get me to talk after all of this. I have been trying, I have been all in. All I asked of you was to look after yourself.”
“I know.”
“You know? You KNOW?” You scoff rather loudly, “Did you know that Lyla has even talked to me about your behavior? I’m worried about you Miguel. All the damn time, even more when I see you not eating and staying up all night. All I ask is one minute, one bite of the damn food.”
“I’m… I’m so sorry.”
“Is sorry all you have to say? Not even a half assed excuse?” You see Miguel trying to form a sentence but nothing leaves his left and his head hangs low, “I need to be alone.”
You walk past him but he grabs your arm, “Please don’t leave.” He says, “Please don’t walk out that door.”
“I’m sleeping on the couch, you could have the bed.” You look up at him.
“I love you, (Y/n). I know I don’t say it as much but I fucking love you. He’s right, you know. I am scared. Scared of everything. Because at first, I didn’t think I could have that, have you. You let me hurt you and that is unforgivable.”
He’s crying. Looking right at you, letting himself be bare right in front of you. His grip on your arm loosens and his hands come up to your face, cupping your cheeks. You could hear his staggered breathing, trying to keep himself composed.
“But I wasn’t lying when I said I love you, I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted a family, and I wasn’t lying when I said that you make me believe in love.”
“I’m always here for you, Miguel. You don’t have to go through things alone, but when you want to, I’m here.” You take one of his hands into yours, pulling it away from your face but keeping a tight hold on it.
“It’s not that easy. I hurt you, I understand why you don’t want to.”
“I love you, Miguel. We’ll work on this. I promise you.” After a moment, Miguel practically tackles you, nearly falling to the ground. The hug is tight and warm, and you could feel your shirt become wet with Miguel’s tears.
“You’re okay, right?” His voice cracks as he speaks through his sobs, “Please tell me you’re okay.”
“I promise you, I am okay.” You whisper.
“I’ll make it up to you, I swear.”
“You can start by getting some rest. But you’ve got a lot of apologies O’Hara.”
You don’t know how long you and Miguel stayed like this, nor did you care. All you cared about was Miguel and he felt complete at last.
© 2023 Intoxicated-Chan, I do not allow my work to be copied, translated, modified, adapted, or put on any other platform with permission.
#x reader#x female reader#fluff#angst#miguel o'hara x reader#miguel o’hara x reader#miguel o'hara#miguel o’hara#spider man x reader#spiderman 2099 x reader#spiderman x you#spiderman 2099#spiderman x y/n#spider man across the spider verse#spider man 2099#spiderverse#spider man x y/n#spider man x you#spiderman x reader
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Please do not acknowledge this do not listen to me but gaah I just want Everything to stop I am so tired
#beating my head against a wall mentally with blood and everything#I am 🤏 this close to flying off the handle. any day now.#whaaaat am I good for#h mean don’t get me wrong I love drawing pictures but that’s also all I have going for me#like. all I can really consider myself as is a brain in a warm flesh suit there is NOTHING here#it reaaaaally doesn’t help that my social anxiety is this damn bad.#I don’t even really know if I’m a person anymore. because actual REAL people are nothing like me#anyway sorry please ignore this#if you DID skim through this don’t worry I ain’t going anywhere I’m just. some sort of emotion I can’t pinpoint beyond frustrated.#<- if that’s even the right word to begin with
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