ok so ik I haven't posted in a bit and it's five am but I binged @infinityroom's entire blog last night and had to make fanart so uhh merry christmas??

The Heart of a Hero is returning once more!

Today marks the 5-year anniversary of the premiere of HoaH, and is fairly close to the 3.5 year anniversary of its last official upload. Well, the wait is over. It’s time for me to resurrect this series and eventually bring it to its end (not that it left off anywhere close to ending 😉).

Since it’s been a while, I’ve put together a recap of the story so far that I’ll post at some point here. It’s not complete, I had to cut out some of the newer chapters since it just became a play-by-play synopsis that doubled the total word count, but hey, having to reread 5-10 chapters is better than rereading 150.

The tentative return date will be this time next month as I work on creating a backlog of chapters. If I need to push it back, I’ll let you know. As for other questions I’m sure some of you have, check below the cut. For those who don’t care, see you in a month, hopefully.

So, some questions I’m sure some of you are asking:

1: where have you been? And why did you stop?

I’m not gonna go into details since I’m not that kinda person, but overall, just been living life, dude. I originally began my unexpected hiatus when college was kicking my ass and expected to get right back to things, but some stuff happened, and by the time I had dealt with it, it was Spring of 2020. You can guess what stopped me up then lol. But yeah, things just got away from me and eventually, I didn’t have the time or energy to dedicate to diving headfirst back into this outside of unconnected one-off stuff like those Bang fics. There’s other facets too, of course, the biggest one being a general disinterest in the source material. I stopped reading MHA around the villains arc (though I’ve kept up a bit in terms of big stuff like the traitor reveal), so I lacked that interest to pull me back into this world. Where I left off in the story, in the middle of a complicated arc full of OCs and big fights and stuff, was also a hurdle to getting back into things. But I’m here now, I’m working on my backlog, and I’m gonna commit. If you guys are excited about my return, spread the word and lemme hear it so I can keep this motivation 🤟

2: Is A New Era coming back too?

And now for the other shoe to drop. It is not. Im very sorry, especially to those whose OCs I included, but it’s just not feasible. Every time I considered it or tried it, the whole return to the main story was stopped up with it. Anyone who’s interested in continuing it themselves in some way shape or form, you have my permission in terms of the general idea, the OC kids I came up with, the places that canon characters are in it, etc. As for other people’s OCs, I’d check with their creators. One again, very sorry, but it’s just not doable.

3: What will this return look like? How often are chapters gonna drop?

Still working out the specifics, but my idea for now is to drop 2 chapters a week. If I need to go on hiatus, I’ll announce as much and plan the placement of it much better so that I don’t stop in the middle of an arc. That way, the hiatus will only be a month instead of years lol. The schedule may change over time, but I’ll keep everyone informed as I move ahead with it

4: a lot has happened in the manga and anime and movies since you stopped. Will these things be worked into the series?

Nope. I stopped reading and probably won’t start again until it’s over and done with. More than that, I’ve been sitting on these plans for a couple years now and don’t feel like changing them much. Besides, this story has had a long, rich history of shitting in the soup of the canon story, so I’ll just continue doing my own thing

5: are you still as epic and cool and funny as in the past?

Don’t ask questions you already know the answers to. I never was 😎

I didn't know abt the tumblr detox you're doing until now, but I hugely respect it. I was experiencing similar stuff, and actually wound up deleting my tumblr bc of it, for better or worse. You talking about how tumblr is temporary made me think though, i would be so sad if one day i wasn't able to see all your beautiful art. Your Vargas stuff especially has been a huge and much needed source of joy for me since i found it last year. Do you put all of your art anywhere more permanent online?

I can only guess this is about my blog cleaning? Although I’m not deleting any of the original stuff I’ve posted, so maybe my existentialism? All of them feel far away now lol, sorry I'm not Entirely sure what you're referring to haha

I am glad to have been able to provide some comfort and joy with my art, that makes me happy to hear ♥ I hope it continues to!

For better or worse, as you said, tumblr is my main social media at the moment - even the little bits of Vargas and other art that I’ve uploaded to DA have been cherry-picked out from the main sets, so not everything gets crossposted. Also, I’m sure you’ve noticed but I have a kind of daunting backlog, so every time I try to catch up I just feel like I’ve fallen further and further behind haha

The sad reality is, the internet is impermanent. Putting my faith into any one site is just asking for trouble *cough* because who’s to say it’ll be there tomorrow? And crossposting to other websites to try and diversify my odds feels like an uphill battle that only gets worse the longer I go without it and I just end up spiralling lol

Make no mistake, I don’t plan on leaving this hellsite anytime soon! I have no intentions of deleting any of my blogs, and I keep backups should the worst happen - I’m not going anywhere fast lol

All that said, the most reliable places that I’ve been uploading to/looking into have been my Patreon, where allllll my doodles from the last couple years are hosted, unedited, even the ones I scrapped haha, though without my usual commentary. I’ve made plans to add more to my backlog, should there be an interest for it. I’ve also been looking into neocities which has very much withstood the test of time, although I’m still extremely new to it, so don’t expect anything there for a while. I’m always open to suggestions too!

So yes, I’ve got other sites that I frequent, but none to the level of completeness that I’ve got over here. It’s been on my mind, believe you me, to start making a more comprehensive list of “Also find me here!”, I just get easily distracted and disheartened by how much work it’s going to be haha

haha hi its me again... im genuinely curious and i know you answered something similar to this on your last stream but i cant remember what you said so ill ask this time 😏 what inspired you to start drawing like CRAZY amounts all the time? im asking in an awestruck manner not in a hateful one btw. also another question i have is whether you prefer more complex/detailed refs or simpler refs when drawing someone else's character. i personally prefer complex ones because i love reading about people's ocs

So firstly, I have always drawn a lot, though much slower than now ofc, and I get huge hits of serotonin seeing numbers go up/down, and am very competitive.

Back when I was primarily on DA, I was commissioned to draw someone's character who had 800 images. I don't remember how many images space had, but it was much less. I thought that having a character with 800 images was the coolest thing ever, and that I wanted that too.

So I started getting faster, and practicing very specifically how to do that. I still use methods developed by me during that time of getting him to 800.

After getting him to 800 I felt SO COOL.

But then I checked the top images list

And saw it for the first time...

Manitka had so many more images than me (13k at the time iirc)

And Oh BOY I GOT EXCITED

I found where Space was in the pages, and got to work just trying to pass the next person above him.

Back then, 1,000 images was enough to get you halfway up the front page, so there was much less work that needed to be done while going up the ladder,

Manitka at the time was still uploading their backlog of art, and was uploading frequently, so I watched as #1 went higher and higher, and after reaching 6k (which is top row) I decided that yes, I will one day become #1.

So I worked to lower my times, and got faster and faster.

And here we are

I am now #1, hold many characters on the top page, and am still working to get as many images for my kids as I can. I do think it'd be really cool if I could get my kings (Space, Gary, Arlo, Truffle, Yuzuru, and Angel) to be the top #6 on site, though that would require passing Manitka 5 MORE TIMES ASKDJAKSDJALkj,,, which,, would be awesome if not slightly unrealistic lol

I tend to prefer more complex refs! I also like reading about peoples characters, and I love seeing characters especially if they have media/likes on their refs or at least some kind of expression sheet/personality description to pull from for ideas!

Sometimes people will have it writen in a characters profile code but for stuff like artfight, although I'd love to read your 14 pages of lore... please I just need to draw this character correctly quickly give me like 2 sentences askdjasldkjaslkdj

I also tend to dislike simpler refs (i mean refs that are literally one unshaded fullbody in generic pose) bc Im scared I'll draw the character out of character??? Cause that happens to me a lot and I don't really like it,,, Like yes this art is cool but,,,, he wouldn't do that :,)

Dev Blog #22 

So. It’s April.

And High School Daze: Junior Year is done guys. 

Seriously.

If I were to drop this game today, I would not die of embarrassment. Might die of anxiety thou

All the audio tracks and art assets (sprites + backgrounds) are coded in. Credits are being finalized, because I’m triple and quadruple checking I credited everyone and did it correctly 😵 I also finally get to revisit allllll the things I ignored during my “scope creep” and decide if I want to add them to my game/if it’s feasible to add them. Or if I even want to add them anymore. Y’all, sometimes (most times) I forget this is my first ever game and forget to give myself grace. Or to stop comparing my silly slice of life story to a sweeping space saga ahahahaha....

August 2020 - April 2022...dang y’all. Don’t worry, the game is still coming out in October, so we’ll save my retrospection and Big Thoughts for the game postmortem! But just know I’m probably gonna be in shock for the rest of this year. 

Speaking of audio....I’ll post to Hummingbird’s YouTube sometime in the near future but I just wanna SCREAM that I’ve created three original tracks for this game with the power of God, anime, and Garageband on my side. Well, there’s the trailer theme, so that’s actually four tracks, but at the moment you only hear that one in the demo LOL! Maybe I could make it the theme music that plays when you open up the game but TBH it doesn’t quite “fit” there.

There’s also an unfinished track by Pnk Noire called Pressure Perfect, a fictional single off the fictional album Small Emotions that I want to add somehow?? (So what, five tracks?? Is this me admitting I can’t count? Possibly.) It’s just a track without lyrics so maybe I’ll keep and upload it that way until inspiration hits. Idk. 

I actually made a bunch of Pnk Noire albums for fun but never got around to posting them. So maybe I should do that. Stay tuned!!!

NEXT STEPS (JUST KEEP ON GOING...)

Given the progress I’ve made, I feel stable enough to start mentally preparing for this year’s Yuri Jam. Recent events have made me more determined not to punk out, so here we are. With HSDJY I was lowkey trying to prove something, but with Yuri Jam I just want a short, low-stakes/low stress, completed sapphic story. 

Alsoooooo, there’s some really fun games coming out this month, some that have released recently, and then my Xbox and Switch backlog of unfinished games, wheeeeee!!! I don’t know another time when my physical need to have a break is gonna align with my mental permission to do just that SO I’m gonna play games! Read books. Not work on anything HSDJY for the rest of the month.

I will post Screenshot Sunday stuff, any asks I get, and try and reblog previous posts. Like the art. The cute, fluffy art I commissioned just ‘cause. 

Why am I so chicken to reblog art THAT I LOVE?? 

Anxiety really is a bish y’all. 

Alrighty, hitting that ‘post now’ button and going about my day 😋💛

- Gemini 

Are you still writing? I don't see you post as much stuff anymore.

I’m still here, alive and kicking and writing lol… I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to use this ask to give an update on me and what I’ve been doing.

The truth is, I write almost every single day. I have dozens of drafts and another dozen of nearly complete fics for different fandoms. I have some one shots that I never got around to publishing. I also have outlines for stories that I might or might not get around to doing. I have full fics that I’ve written in a discord server with my writing pals that are waiting for me to copy and paste into a document so I can edit and upload.

I’m going to go into my thoughts on these things, where I’m at, and what I’m working on under the cut. Maybe if you’re reading this you can help me piece it all together?

First I want to acknowledge that at least half of what I write, I do with my friend and writing partner @solynacea. We have novels of unpublished stuff that we’ve done just for fun that has never gotten published, and maybe never will. A lot of what I’ve written has been done with them, and many times we’re onto the next idea before editing and uploading and I think we’ve forgotten about half the stories we’ve written, lost into Google chat backlogs until one of us remembers something we can search to find it.

So if I’m doing all this writing, where is it? The truth I guess is that I’m still writing, but for a while I just haven’t been into publishing. And this isn’t going to be a sob story about not getting enough attention or credit, because I stopped looking at kudos and comments a long, long time ago. I like publishing my work because I like to know it’s somewhere where I can find it easily again. (My Google drive is a hot mess.) I like knowing that there is someone who read it and saved it to come back to again. If each of my fics has just that one person, I’m cool with it.

For me, writing is fun and publishing is work. I need to edit, I need to find visuals, I need to think of a title and write a summary and actually remember to update with new chapters. I need to be ready for other people to read it. So I’ve adapted this habit of writing without expecting to publish, and it’s helped me flourish.

But it’s also made me pretty inept at getting anything to the point where it can go on AO3. There is an expectation when publishing that things should be a bit polished. I’ve never been one to just throw whatever up unless I knew it would be finished, because I get the sense that people hate unfinished work. Am I wrong?

If you are asking about NnT, anon, I think we can agree that it’s unfortunately a bit dead. I do have one story to finish, The Dark Fate. I also have some outlines done, a bunch of completed or nearly (like just need one more chapter written) fics, some that were started and left halfway through.

But in general I feel like I’ve told the bulk of the stories I had for NnT. I don’t have much more left. Which really kind of sucks because it was the perfect place for a content creator. There were enough characters that you could interpret in a lot of ways, plenty of lore left undiscovered to flesh out, just fantasy enough to not get caught up in real-world locations or rules, but also not so big you get lost. Yet NnT is over and I’m not feeling the sequel. There’s just no inspiration.

I’m writing for a BNHA zine which is fun, and Kacchako is still one of my fave ships of all time. I have a story I’ve started about them that I can’t seem to get any gas on. The space though feels too big. I enjoy more of what other people do than what I can make myself. I do still want to write this fic though.

As for DMC, it was a nice place to hang my hat for a while, but I’m feeling like I’ve run out of things for it too. I wrote the things I wanted to say about Dante, Vergil, and Nero. I have a couple more chapters to do on The Wish and started writing a steampunk AU, but once those are done I’ll probably close the book, at least for a while. Writing in this fandom wasn’t at all what I expected coming from NnT, and the culture shock sort of zapped the inspiration for me, even though I’ve had a great time and met some great people. I also ended up liking the reboot more than the main games and finding anyone else in the same boat is like a needle in a haystack.

So what’s next? I’m on the hunt for inspiration. I’ve been catching up on Resident Evil and started writing for it. I’ve been editing an original work (supposed to be anyway, haha) and writing more original work with solynacea. I’ve tried my hand at the Witcher and looked into getting into other fandoms but nothing is striking my inspiration. Tried writing threads for a bit but it’s not my style. There are tons of things that I love, but it’s a whole other ballgame to have your own stories to tell outside of the original, and that’s what I’m waiting on.

I hope if you’ve read this far you can see that it’s not a lack of motivation or interest, just inspiration. I'm an author in need of a new home, so to speak. I’m not in a writing rut, and there are thousands and thousands of words unpublished that I’ve written over the past year since my publishing slowed down. I hope that RE can give me that push, and if it doesn’t, I’ll look for something else. Any ideas, anon?

In the meantime, I wonder, do you guys want rough or partially-finished stories though? Let me know. I can publish if you guys know what you’re getting into by reading it lol. And I don’t mind comments when people ask if I’ll ever finish xyz fic or asks like these that are about what I’m up to, so hit me up any time.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Not much to say this time. I was actually scrolling something and realised I wanted to point to some places where you can, specifically, watch movies online. And then I remembered I’ve made 3 of these playlists so I might as well make this one of them.

Like I said, this time around I have places where you can watch full length movies for free and that aren’t part of a streaming subscription. For the most part legally and not on some shady website or with the need of a torrent client or anything like that. Just easily accessible movies.

Please enjoy! In no particular order;

Wu Tang Collection

A youtube channel dedicated to archiving as many vintage martial arts movies as possible. Most of their films have their cheesy 70s and 80s dubbing, and include everything from true cornerstones of the film genre to silly exploitative nonsense like a collection of “Brucesploitation” movies starring actors like Bruce Li, Bruce Lai, Bruce Le etc etc.

They have films mostly in dubbed english but also have spanish dubs, english subbed, French dubbed, and original language versions.

They also include playlists of female martial artists, Wi Xia, and even documentaries on martial arts.

Korean Classic Film

an Archive channel dedicated to preserve Korea’s classic cinema, focusing mainly on live action. The backlog of films goes all the way to the 1930s and most of their movies have english subs. They also have certain films with French and Italian subs as well as Korean subs. They don’t focus on a specific genre and you can find a bit of everything here.

Mosfilm Official

The official Youtube channel of Mosfilm,(Мосфильм) one of the oldest and largest film studios in Russia and Eastern Europe. Their youtube channel has an archive of several Soviet films most of which have english subtitles. Navigation might be a little difficult unless you can read Russian as the films are all titled with their original titles, but if you know what film you want to watch and have google on hand it shouldn’t be too hard! Probably a good move would be too google “best Mosfilms” or “best USSR movies” or something for a top 10 list and go from there!

TOEI Tokusatsu World Official

Not exactly full length movies but still worth mentioning is TOEI’s official youtube channel where they’ve been archiving their libraries of vintage Tokusatsu shows from the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s. They upload regularly and are consistent with each show. Sadly, their videos don’t have english subtitles on them, but seeing as tokusatsu are action focused, it’s not too hard to understand what’s going on,and maybe can help for anyone trying to learn Japanese! Plus, it’s just neat seeing what was popular on Showa-era TV.

Looking at the channel description;

“ We will update daily to share TOEI’s TOKUSATSU with the world. At launch, we will have the first two episodes of all 70 shows available with English subtitles! Further episodes will be available in Japanese for now, but there could be frequent updates. We plan on making a public call for subtitles in any language.”

(the channel was shut down a few months ago after TOEI’s channel got copyright claimed by a TOEI bot for “copyright infringement” LOL but it’s back now)

Ninja Warrior Worldwide

Also not movies but considering the length of these I might as well include this too. I was going to include a channel that uploads vintage horror movies but it seems the user tied to the channel got banned and so the channel was shut down with them which is super lame.

ANYWAY! This channel is awesome. It has the episodes of the Japanese obstacle course show “Sasuke” known as “Ninja Warrior” in other countries. The Japanese episodes don’t have subs but, being an obstacle course show, you don’t really need to understand anything.

I recently watched the 5 hour episode for 2019′s contest and I had no trouble understanding it.

Highly recommend.

Rifftrax

Rifftrax has a 24/7 running Twitch channel which plays their catalogue of B-movie and shorts for free (unless you feel like subscribing or however Twitch works). It’s an official Twitch and so it supports Rifftrax directlyand you can just put it on and let it run for as long as you want. Only downside is you can’t pick what you watch. But honestly, It’s Rifftrax. You can’t go wrong.

That’s all I got for now. I could make an entire playlist for public domain movies you can find on their own on youtube, but I wanted to focus this list on channels rather than individual films. (btw “Stalker” is up to watch for free on Mosfilm’s channel, as is “Solaris”).

I know these may not be where your brain goes immediately for movies, perhaps, but there is honestly so much good stuff out there free for you to access that aren’t controlled or owned by The Mouse that are no less enjoyable or important.

I’ll make a post for specific movies next time.

DAY 1850) Tron 2.0 - Credits Medley

Composer: Nathan Grigg, Wendy Carlos

Given that this is a medley; there’s lots of timesig changes but they’re more like unrelated sections from each other, often totally fading in/out or with ambiguous pauses, so I’ll just talk about each section separately.

0:00 - 1:29 is all just 4/4, frantic drums, crazy synth sound design, but no odd time really for this section.

1:29 - 1:44 i’m counting as triplets in mixed meter: 4/4, 4/4, 5/4, 5/4, 6/4, 5/4, 4/4. if you were to count those as 8ths instead of triplets it’d be more like 12/8, 12/8, 15/8, 15/8, 18/8, 15/8, 12/8 (replace the 8s with 16s if you’re going to be weird like me and count them as 16ths if you find x/16 more natural to think about for some reason) !

1:46 - 2:17 is polymetric! The syncopated bell-like synth ostinato is in 7/8, but the slower synth hits and most everything else behind it really are in 6/4. For a short bit before 2:17 I guess there’s some 5/8 polymeter in one of the synth layers also. Some other more ambiguous stuff you might be able to interpret as even further layers of polymeter but the point is like, yeah this part’s lots of layers looping in different loop lengths from each other on top of each other!

2:17 - 3:06′s at a bit faster a tempo than the previous section. Also polymetric but a lot simpler case of it. 4/4 in that metallic bell-like synth rhythm, and 6/4 polymeter in the beeps under it from 2:17 - 2:42

3:06 - 4:03, here it’s 6/4 through most of the parts of this that have enough of a rhythm to latch onto something, which only really happens starting with the echoy drums that come in at 3:31.

4:03 - 4:45 is interesting; this is taken from “FCon/The Root of the Problem (Combat)”, which is one of the tracks I have on my biiiiig queue of possible tracks to eventually post on here but never happened to ever post. I’d count this snippet of it as all 7+8, 15/16, but just being aware that there’s a constant four-on-the-floor “4/4″ kick acting “polymetric” to it from the bits at 4:15 - 4:21 / 4:27 - 4:34.

4:45 - end is all loose, but just 4/4 stuff whenever concretely countable

Hopefully I addressed everything important here! there’s a lot going on in all of these sections, so it wouldn’t surprise me if I missed an obvious polymeter layer or something and just didn’t realize it! Lots of these sections come from other tracks in the game too, so are in a bit different of a context musically from their amalgamation here. Obviously wild tempo changes between each section that i’m not bothering to write out lol

This is a great cross section of the crazy stuff present throughout this ost though, tron 2.0 is totally one of the most odd time/polymeter/etc filled game soundtracks out there. Part of that’s obvious influence from Wendy Carlos’s original score to the 1982 film being much like that (and this game borrowing a lot of the material she wrote), but Nathan Grigg’s style is always full of that kinda thing as well, and he only adds to that intricacy in his original additions to the mix!

For all those reasons I thought this would be a pretty good sort-of-sendoff for this blog i’ve been running for over 5 years...........

....so...

...!

...THE FINAL DAY sort of...! As I said many posts ago (https://vgm-in-irregular-time-of-the-day.tumblr.com/post/623135939348365312/day-1828-shining-force-cd-track-25-composer) [probably a better read than my post right now here today], this will be my final post that’s in the “1 song presented with a text post daily” format; I’ll take a break but I will eventually shift to talking about this again in (most likely) YT video vgm mixes, including other related content besides just the very specific odd timesig stuff in vgm too!

Thank you to everyone who has supported me all this time! ULTRA SPECIAL SHOUT OUT TO CHz who has helped me out with this blog FAR more than anyone could possibly imagine, he’s done far more work than anyone ever needed to do, far beyond my expectations to help me along with this. And he doesn’t get enough credit for that, this blog would’ve probably died a long time ago without chz’s help. Thank you so much CHz for all your assistance! Sharing me things you remember when I’m in desperate need of a new track to post at the last minute, uploading so much music for me, helping me organize so much, writing out timesig charts for me so many times, sharing overwhelmingly huge amounts of odd time vgm with me, probably even more than anyone else. So many other things all these years you’ve helped me with on here, I can’t thank you enough!

That said, thank you to EVERYONE who has shared odd time vgm with me (and this is like, a LOT of people, far too many to list, and i’m sure plenty would be uncomfortable being listed too, so i won’t subject this post to that).

I’m very bad at responding to PMs and other messages sent to me; I apologize greatly if i’ve left you hanging for months...or years...or forever. I’m just bad at that form of communication lol, but I’ve read the majority of what’s been sent and still try to keep as much as possible in my big list backlog of stuff to eventually post. I get excited and happy when I see people linking me new odd time vgm i’ve never heard and stuff like that; so if i’ve never responded or never posted stuff you’ve linked me here, please know that I actually do appreciate it even if i might not show it haha. I’ve honestly mostly only maintained this blog pretty sporadically and rely heavily on queuing everything in advance on occasion, rather than constant observation of it.

Once i shift to the new format of presentation i’ll still include the suggestions that’ve been linked to me, and stuff. I’ll maybe try to be more communicative in the future now that i’m not going to be bogged down by the load of keeping a constant daily stream of these posts. (though i probably won’t be paying too much attention to tumblr for a while during my break from doing this stuff)

thank you to everyone for every positive comment, every intent to help by sharing, and just...general inquisitiveness and enthusiasm about this THING i’m doing for no reason! This is all literally just me nerding out about my favorite combination of niche subjects together “proggy/mathy/etc music” and��“video game music” at the same time as each other. I never expected this would get anything close to the following it’s gotten, but now occasionally it’ll get pointed out that this blog is me in some group i’m in or something and 5 people will be like “WAIT...that’s YOU?! I’ve been watching that blog for years!” or something; like i’m really startled by how many people follow this sometimes lol.

Really thankful for everyone showing interest in me just being me, having fun talking about things i like in music. I hope that can continue even if i’ll be changing what I talk about and how I talk about it!

It might be quite a while before I return to doing this kind of thing again, and it’ll definitely be a much less constant pace, but I think that trade-off be worth it. I’ll return to making posts here again when I finally have new stuff to post, big video mixes with animated visual transcriptions or WHATever i wind up doing (probably a new dedicated youtube channel for the new stuff too) and stuff! I’ll find out what that will be when I get there

Thank you all for everything!

THank you!

WOW

THANKJ YOU for all 5 years of this website being a fun place to post music i like inside of

BYE

OH WAIt here’s my twitter/soundcloud/etc links and stuff if you want to contact me in a place i’ll be far more attentive to than tumblr, since i won’t be paying attention to here for a while:

https://twitter.com/chimeratio_

https://soundcloud.com/chimeratio

ok now ACTUALLY BYE

THANK YOUI

(thank you part 2)

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.