#EAT SHIT YOU FUCKING SELF HATING PROJECTING CLOSET CASE
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PEOPLE WHO CHANGE JOBS AS MUCH AS YOU END UP HOMELESS, ALONE, AND ON DRUGS. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.
#traumacore#drugcore#ventcore#ms paint#original art#this is the exact thing my father told me when i lost my job (which i had kept for almost a year at that point) due to covid and the fact#that i was not yet fully vaccinated... i had maybe 2 or 3 jobs before that. i fucking hate my father#I hope he goes the rest of his miserable fucking life filled with regret and I hope he hates himself. I hope he is in agony knowing he was#even WORSE than his own abusive parents. I hope he goes to bed every night crying and knowing exactly how he went wrong and still being#unable to do a damn thing about it because he's a quivering fucking pussy ass coward. who speaks to their kid in the way that he spoke to m#who in their right mind treats their kid like that? praises them one minute#and in the same breath tells them that they will never amount to anything? what a fucking loser and a coward. i hope he rots in hell.#all his children hate him and want nothing or minimal to do with him!!! I hope his heart breaks until the day he fucking dies.#he is a fucking coward and a pussy and a disgraceful excuse for a human being and an even more pathetic excuse for a “father”#EAT SHIT YOU FUCKING SELF HATING PROJECTING CLOSET CASE#SOME DAY YOU WILL ACHE LIKE I ACHE#that last part was a Hole reference btw
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Thoughts and questions on Pesterquest Volume 5, routes 1 and 2!
also: sollux for volume 6 (route 2) you (might have) heard it here first
-The trolls' Prospit is still perfectly fine when we see it, as we still haven't done away with SGRUB. In Kanaya's route we see Alternia's Reckoning, the Land of Little Cubes and Tea, and our favorite rainbow drinker fan hunting for frogs in the clouds; meanwhile in Karkat's we straight up see his dreamself- who winks out of existence when he wakes up. John's did that too when he woke up after Prospit fell on the Battlefield, but I had thought dreamselves just teleported to their dream room's bed when the waking self woke up.
-Actually, I'm pretty sure we've seen dreamselves just existing on the moons when their counterpart is awake: John's before Descend, Vriska's in Make Her Pay, Dave's being on the computer and of course Dirk switching between dream and real selves, Roxy's flying out of Derse, Jane's when she dream revived (??), and maybe more I'm not remembering. Of course, dead dreamselves such as Aradia's or Jake's can't go anywhere.
-Possible candidates for Volume 6 basically trolls who were namedropped or had a cameo: Sollux (VERY likely imo, he had a good bunch of screentime in Karkat's route), Terezi (very likely too, as she's also a Peak Protagonist troll), Gamzee (less likely than the other two imo, though MC's been to his hive already), Vriska (could or could not........ it's a gam8le.)
-Worldbuilding: *happens*
Me: *burning through my good note-taking pens*
~ROUTE 2~
-Now to Kanaya's route proper: she's got sunproof dresses just lying around. Very nice sunproof dresses, in fact. (the clothes collecting tradition goes on...)
-Rose immediately comes up on MC's mind when they look at Kanaya's room, though she's dealing with another Light player herself. Whose cameo here was practically expected, in hindsight. ::::)
-We find out that Vriska had been planning the whole Pupa Pan thing for Tavros for a good while. (Probably since she started planning Aradia's gift at least, though that was both a bigger project and also an... easier-to-see fix to what she'd done to her).
-And now that we've seen Kanaya's side of this, the panel where she finds out what the dress was for hurts a lot more.
(-actually kanaya spends a good bunch of her entire volume being sad??? and so does karkat??? and ofc jade did too????? That’s Fucking Illegal Let My Children Be Happy At Once)
-mc still remembers their movie date with polypa...... the feelings at least
-MC encourages Kanaya to finally tell Vriska how she feels, and it turns out she wants to be matesprits too... and it ends horribly. (Rose's bad route also seemed to be going perfectly well until it didn't).
-We don't know how much of the week she was out was spent travelling between their respective hives, though. (did she fucking run there and back???)
(-Kanaya's heart eyes, motherfucker sprite has jade eyes while Karkat's terrified sprite has grey eyes. Further fancy-eyed friends will probably have their associated color as well.)
-And by the time Vriska might have felt what Kanaya felt (the 3-way showdown) instead of just using her for her own benefit, it was too late.
-Bright colors seem to be a rainbow drinker thing, specifically? As opposed to being Alternian goth... (daraya's route explicitly states that she looks goth because she's wearing a lot of black, when she's actually one of the Troll Call trolls that wears the least black. What is the truth? We just don't know....). Meanwhile, chainsaws seem to be the go-to weapon of rainbow drinker hunters, like stakes are for us...
-Kanaya doesn't want a vampire gf, she wants to be the vampire gf! And before MC realizes that, they come way too close to a bunch of murderzombies. Now we know they can choose who they zap with them, with potentially disarming side effects!
-Undead blood is black like His Honorable Tyranny's, and probably something you should NOT put in your mouth.
-Sadly, Kanaya doesn't get to actually talk to the Tentacle Therapist herself, though she is assured that she'd like her. Mayhaps some other time, they will finally meet... hopefully in person.
~ROUTE 1~
-Weird knowledge of alien stuff absolutely takes a backseat to Friendship. Good to know retcon powers have an aim assist of sorts too.
-Karkat's theme gets a remix like John's Pesterquest one!!!!
-Karkat himself is as fucking zen as ever. And while he's got a wonderful good end (as in what happens -wise), his bad ends -all his routes even- are VERY much sadstuck to compensate.
(-Especially his short one... he finds out he's not the only being in the world besides his lusus with crimson blood, because he just murdered the other one... and then you think about how he immediately warms up to MC in his good route, and how he did the same with -past- Spades Slick, and then how his dreamself died in canon...)
-He can project his voice very well, just like a certain other someone who wore a cloak... Actually no shit he thinks ancestors are bullshit (besides vriska & eridan being 2 out of 3 trolls he knows that are into that stuff, and all that), his own's the most illegal one so neither him nor the aforementioned trolls he knows that are into that stuff would have found much stuff... (even Mindfang stuck to sneaking just the sym69ls in her journal).
-Did he paint his nails? If not, who did?
-Of course he'd notice this random alien was very warm. What he didn't know is that we're less cullable than we look like- case in point, Folykl. (actually, do we still have Plot Armor?)
-...Who was Gamzee talking to when we zapped into his broom closet? And why did Karkat freak out so much when he came close? He did know Gamzee was a clown, iirc... was he just leaking psychic spoops or what??
-The second Karkat finds out MC and him have the same blood color, they became friends in his eyes.
-Sollux (is here!!) kinda calls back to Dave in Volume 1, after Karkat and him finish their regular greetings and get to the point of the conversation. Hacking into the caste records is incredibly illegal, though Sollux's more than willing to risk being culled for Karkat*.
-We know there was an Adalov way before Hivebent time, but we don't know if that's our Adalov- and sadly MC doesn't get the chance to even hear that name. (it's too soon still.)
-How do we get rid of SGRUB? We take Karkat “The Fucking Leader” Vantas to Earth, obviously! Where he'll be able to play various skate games, bond with the kids over games left unplayed, and escape a certain death. Wonder how everyone’ll react to him disappearing...
-Narratively Unimportant Traits 1: dave loves olive garden's breadsticks!!
Narratively Unimportant Traits 2: ...because he can eat a lot of them when otherwise he might not get to eat much of anything
Narratively Unimportant Traits 3: karkat's been years perfecting hiding from drones that will kill him if they so much as detect his body temperature, and it's implied he may have been moving (will keep moving) from hive to hive as needed all this time because of the early warning systems, which warn him of his hive being about to go up in flames and killing everything inside it- including his lusus. We're in Hivebent's timeframe, but considering his good route's what takes SGRUB out, he might not even have turned 13 yet.
-Karkat's bad route ends with him just leaving, shrouded in Signless callbacks, after being put on a cull list not even retcon powers can escape from. ...That's also a way to get rid of SGRUB, I guess.
*Back to Sollux being a likely choice for volume 6- in Karkat's bad route, he repeatedly tells Karkat to come to his hive, after seeing him on the cull list and knowing there's drones after him. He knows and explicitly doesn't give a fuck about him being a mutant (though he doesn't seem to know how exactly is he a mutant). The last thing he tells him is “don't make me tell you how much i hate you.”
After that, he doesn't hear anything more from Karkat because he throws his palmhusk away, and then he just leaves into the wilderness. And even if we get the typical Friendsim timeline smoothie shenanigans, Karkat's on Earth in his good route and we don't know if he can still contact his friends. (Sollux can hear the imminently deceased. There's the chance that he might hear from Karkat one last time.)
If we do get the timeline smoothie, that's a hell of a motivation to seek out MC. (And even if we only follow the good route, Karkat still dropped off the face of Alternia after asking Sollux to hack the caste records and telling him MC was in his hive.)
#pesterquest#homestuck#kanaya maryam#karkat vantas#sollux captor#pesterquest spoilers#thoughts and questions#long post#just in case
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Self Para ( Open House 2.0 )
To say Ches was at her limit with Chad currently was an understatement, if she didn’t ditch him and stay away from him soon, she was going to lose it. After his little fit during the activity, and everything else that had gone on today, if she didn’t go someplace nobody could mention Callie and Chad were looking for her or ‘oh it’s your turn to watch him,’ at this point all her attempts to not hurt him like she was tempted to would be in vain. As she walked through the halls with him and tried her best to tune him out, she was brainstorming less violent ways to deal with him. As much as she wanted to knock him out, tie him up, and run away - Dom had a point. As much as she hated to admit it, Chad was a child. A child that reminded her oh too much of her brother, but a child nonetheless.
Then she notices the cart next to the janitor closet. The man is nowhere in sight as she notices the glint of metal keys resting on the cart as they approach, an idea actually clicks. Maybe she couldn’t tie him up and run away, but she could lock him up and flee the scene. Sure, she’d still get into trouble, but at least she wouldn’t get a lawsuit on top of whatever Luxor would give her. “And you got a touchdown?” She questions, pretending she’s actually interested in the story he’s telling as she sneaks the keys off the cart. “That’s so cool, actually kinda hot.” She winks at him, even as the thought of Chad being considered hot by anyone makes her want to vomit all over his shiny black shoes. “So hot, in fact, I have a challenge for you, babe. If you win, I’ll let you kiss me.”
That gets Chad’s attention, much to her annoyance. “Why do we even have to do the challenge? I’m the best, you know I’m going to win.” He boasts. The smile Ches gives him is sickly sweet as she tries to hide all the disgust in her tone.
“Sure, but girls like a chase, and when a girl is happy, they give better kisses. I’m sure you’ll fly right through it, but appearances, appearances.”
“What’s the challenge?” There’s a glint in his eyes that feels oh so familiar, between living with Jamie for years and seeing her own reflection in the mirror. A tiger stalking their prey, but this time, Chad wasn’t a cat. He was the mouse. “We’re going to play hide and seek.” She explains as she starts to move the cart a bit more out of the way. “You go into here to count, starting only after I shut the door, and after you count to 60 you use everything you’ve learned on today’s tour to come and find me. If you find me before the hour is up, you get a kiss. If you don’t, well, does it matter what happens if you don’t? We both know you will!” She tells him as she unlocks the door.
“That’s all? I’ll find you in no time!” Chad grins as he walks into the room, “now run along - the sooner you leave, the sooner I get my kiss!” He doesn’t need to tell her twice, because she shuts the door once she can hear him start to count, she’s locking the door behind her and darting off. She waits till she’s near the exit to ditch the keys, tossing them in the trash before she starts heading in the direction of the student parking lot.
Maybe she’d go grab herself a pizza, possibly drop by the mall for a little and pick up some more perfume if she had the time. Until the administration noticed her missing, she was going to take all the self-care time she could sneak herself. After dealing with Chad, she’d earned it.
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She was about finished with eating what she could of the pizza she ordered when her phone starts to ring. “Ches’s Pizza Delivery Service, may I take your order?” She answers with a laugh, expecting it to be her Logan yelling at her about the school calling again or her roommate asking her where the fuck she was when she hears who’s actually on the other end of the line.
“Ches, quick question, why am I one of your emergency contacts?” Zander seems surprised, honestly, for a moment Ches actually has to pause to think about her emergency contact form. Logan was her primary - listed under her father, her father’s office was filled in the mother slot in case they ‘couldn’t reach him on his cell phone, always call that first’, and Emmett was her first option if nobody could reach a parent. Between the three of them, she never thought there’d actually be a chance nobody would answer the phone. She’d just used it as a throwaway slot, honestly, after all, it wasn’t like she had anyone else who’d care if you called them for an emergency once you went through the first three contacts anyway. What could her grandparents do from Paris? They were about 6 hours ahead of NY, late enough in the day you wouldn’t be able to get ahold of them without waking them up.
“I figured you wouldn’t mind because you’re already Balo’s and I never thought someone would need to call the last person on the list? Now, you didn’t answer my question about pizza. If it factors in any way, the delivery driver is really cute. I’d order one just to see her. ”
“No, I don’t want a pizza. I do want to know why I got dragged into the office asking if I knew where you went apparently since we’re so close I’m your emergency contact you must have told me all about your plans of locking your kid in the janitors closet, which by the way, you taking the keys with you made getting him out a bit harder than it had to be.” He got dragged into the office to ask about her whereabouts? Well, that wasn’t a part of the plan. “You should have told me you added me to your updated list, Ches. It would have been a good thing to mention, especially since the only thing I could tell someone about your medical history is ‘deathly allergic to tuna.’”
“Fine, I’ll bring you back some knots though just because I love you!” She gets up to walk over to the counter, moving her phone off her ear when she reaches it. “Can I order a dozen garlic knots too? To go, this time, please!” She’s already pulling out her card to pay when she hears Zander groan on the other line.
“For fuck's sake, Ches. Do you even realize how much trouble you’re in right now? You locked a kid in the fucking closet.”
“Oh, I knew that before I even did it but I figured hurting him would be worse, so I left before I got to that point. Plus, it’s not like I actually took the keys off-campus. I tossed them in the bin near the exit closest to the student parking lot, it seemed like a good place to ditch them.”
“You threw out the janitor’s keys? Hailey, I swear to god-” She can hear him moving on the other end of the line, the frustration clear in his voice as he calls her by her first name. Before she can even point out how rude that was, he’s speaking again. “I can’t believe you dragged me into this. Now I've gotta go fish keys out of the trash.”
“You don’t have to do anything.” She reminds him as she sits down at the table to wait for the garlic knots, starting to close the pizza box with one hand as she talks. “Just because you know where they are doesn’t mean you have to bring them back for me.”
“Oh, I’m not bringing them back for you. I’m meeting you in the student parking lot and you’re returning them yourself. What kind of pizza did you get?”
“Hawaiian, why?” After all, he just said he didn’t want pizza, so surely it didn’t matter what kind of pizza she had run off to go eat.
“Because I didn’t expect I was going to have to dumpster drive to ensure you only get detention, I’ve changed my mind. Knowing you, you have leftovers and I want a few slices to go with my knots, finish up and meet me in the parking lot. And no, finishing up doesn’t include a mall trip so don’t even try it.” He knew her too well, that was apparent as a smile cracks on his lips.
“You know, you’re actually kinda sexy when you’re laying down the law, Zan. You should do it more often.” She teases him, wagging her eyebrows as if he could actually see her messing with him at the moment. “Are you sure you don’t want me to try to hook you up with one of my friends? I bet-”
“Goodbye, Ches. I’ll see you when you get back.” He sounds amused at least before the call ends with a click. She sighs, looking at the time. At least she’d gotten about an hour without Chad before she got a phone call asking where she had run off to. There was no way of twisting what she said in a way she’d have to kiss Chad.
That was a relief.
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Zander indeed was waiting for Ches when she pulled back into the parking lot and parked her car. “Well, hello Mr. Driskell, fancy running into you.” She jokes as she gets out of the car, “food’s in the passenger seat. You’ve got the goods?” She holds her hand out for the janitor closet’s key, curling her fingers around them as he drops them into her hand.
“You’re lucky I need you for Shakespearean Studies’ group projects, Ches. I can’t believe I had to dig through the trash for keys.”
“I’m lucky you like garlic knots, you mean.” She jokes, handing him her car keys. “Make sure she’s locked when you’re done, I’ll find you to get them back later. I’m off to return these.” She dangles the janitor’s keys, letting the clinking fill the air. “Thanks for saving my ass, I owe you one, Zan.” She doesn’t wait for a response before she darts off. Maybe she was in trouble, but she had to admit, if she didn’t return the keys she’d probably be in even deeper shit then she was to start off with. She doesn’t stop to talk to anyone, just heads straight to the office. “I came to drop these off and receive the verdict for my punishment.” She tells the secretary, before the person at the desk can even call into the office, however, she hears an oh too familiar voice.
“Miss Elswood, I assume Mr. Driskell was able to get a hold of you. Come into my office.”
She takes a deep breath before she turns to follow them into the office to hear what her punishment would be.
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Icarus (Zan 🙈): So how long are you in the slammer for, Chessie?
Ches: Week in detention, and I’m probably gonna have people watching me for the rest of the day to make sure I’m not locking Chad in any more closets or something worse. I think I”m gonna just be good, quiet, and peacefully serve my time, pretty sure I got off lucky after the key thing. LOL
And with that, she puts her phone back into her bag, takes a deep breath, and goes back into the fray.
#so any threads posted before this take place before this para and anything after... I dunno we'll play by ear folks#all of my heroes died all alone ( musings )#chad ( the jock brat )#all you cool people better leave now 'cause it's about to happen ( balo | zander )#//hopefully the week is fine if not... lemme know I'll edit it I wanna go with the higher number XD#//also hopefully nobody minds the Zander? My muses all know each other bc I solo write with them for the most part and they form bonds I'm#//like nah this is good behind the scenes content lemme just let it stay bc I'm weak for intermuse dynamics ok#a hundred thrown out speeches i almost said to you ( self paras )
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[Image description: a young person holds a mobile phone with a blue case and a paper on the other. the paper has a drawing of an umbrella colored with the trans pride flag. we can only see their upper body. they are looking down and to the left of the image. they're smiling without showing their teeth, and look relaxed. they're wearing a black, loose hoodie and some shorts can be seen at the bottom of the picture. they're also using black nail polish. on the background there is a door and a star wars poster. the other image is a close up of the paper. end ID]
🌈ʜᴇ/ᴛʜᴇʏ🌈
happy trans day of visability to all my fellow trans*!! here is me and my project for peace's day... i personally love it. it's on spanish, but i'll translate it for y'all.
the text on the left says "cada persona que conoces está luchando una batalla de la que no sabes nada. sé amable. siempre", which is the translation of that quote that goes like "every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always".
the one on the right says "¿qué sentido hay en pelear? ¿por qué insistimos en sabotearnos mutuamente? Todos caminamos por el mismo sendero embarrado, todos nos dirigimos al mismo final." its translation is something like "what's the point on fighting? why do we insist on sabotage each other? we all walk the same muddy path, we are all headed for the same end."
and above the umbrella there's words like "odio", "acoso", "ignorancia" & "discriminación", which mean "hatred", "harassment", "ignorance", and "discrimination".
yeah i'm very subtle.
i've decided to share my story with the world. but i got kinda carried away. it's not s fairy tale, so don't read it if you're sensitive to themes like bullying, mental health issues, and toxic people.
——————————————————————
it's been... one ride of a journey, to say the least. i've said a few times that i started to question my gender around summer. but that's not quite true.
growing up, i never was fond of... anything that i associated with femenine, really. this included, but wasn't limited to, any color that wasn't blue (pink and purple get a special mention, i despised them), flowers, clothes too loose or too tight, shorts if they weren't from some sport, etc. i think you get the idea.
this collided with me being afab (aka a girl for everyone including myself) & neurodivergent. i wanted nothing to do with those things. but society wanted me to love them.
5 yo me said she didn't like Monster High. 5 yo female classmate said i was a weirdo. 7 yo me loved football. 7 yo male classmate said i couldn't play because i was a girl. 9 yo me hyperfixated on minecraft. 9 yo pretty much every classmate called me a geek.
so i stoped trying. for a while, i loved pink, wanted to have rapunzel's hair, watched disney channel, etc. but i already was the weirdo. i remember being three and friends with all of them. i remember playful fights for the toy rocket and reading books with the only other boy who could read, to ourselves, each other, and the whole class. but people grow up, and they change. so yeah, i was bullied. always the last one to be chosen, left alone on the bus rides, on my own at the playground.
and you'll be thinking "that sucks, but pao, how is it related to you being trans?"
you'll see, i didn't have many friends. i was kinda alone until i turned 7. then two new kids came to my class. let's call them eva and john. i made friends with them asap. i loved them so much!! they were my first friends since kindergarden. so i allowed myself to let go. i was already hated by most of my peers. why wouldn't i be myself with those who didn't despise me? (i was 7 when i thought this. 7 years old, and i thought that out of 20 people, 18 hated me. and then people wonder why i've got self-steem issues lmao. i'm tryna make the point that bullying in primary school isn't just some mean kids calling you names. i'm currently in high school and it still has its mark on me. but that's for another moment.)
so yeah. i went "wild". eva has adhd too (noice, right? i mean she has her diagnosis becaise she's primarly hyperactive, while i'm primarly inattentive, but we understood each other way quickier than with neurotypicals– even if i didn't know why yet), and john was kinda shy & corpulent (he wasn't fat, but he didn't look slim either), just like me. so we became friends. and i slowly opened up a little, while still playing my role of "the freak kid". i knew i was seen as that AND as the smart kid. double pressure, double bullying. but i had my small circle. it evolved until my current friend group, in which, god bless, there's a trans girl!! (eva's still on it– she's my best friend and i would die for her, no doubts. john can go fuck himself, the goddamned fascist).
but it ain't that easy. it never is. i'm 14 and afab. shit happens. y'all get it.
my first period happened while i was on a school trip (bad), on a hotel with no pads avaliable (very bad), on another country so i couldn't call my mum unless i had wifi because politics & stuff– and i did not have wifi (really bad). cue a lot of dysphoria (even if i didn't know it was that) + not being able to contact anyone. add the fact that i was the second one to have it, and it was some kind of taboo– it meant the other girls wouldn't leave me alone, and the result is clear: one of my worst panic attacks ever, on a tiny bathroom of some shitty hotel room.
from there it went downhill. my body started to become femenine, and the football short didn't make my hips smaller. my face, my oh so alarged face, suddenly became rounder. puberty hit me not only physically, but emotionally. and if that wasn't enough, we, as a class, were entering what's called here "the turkey age", a.k.a. teenagerhood, where looks become even more important. it didn't take long until i hated my body.
[WARNING: from here, this gets hard. mentions of eating disorders, depressive episodes/thoughts, toxic enviroments, homophobia/transphobia (both internalized and external), anxiety attacks, and thoughts of self-harm]
i thought "it's big, it shouldn't be big, it's fat. besides i don't want it to grow so fast. i want to make it stop growing. how? well, i grow up by eating. no eating=no growing".
yeah. eating disorder. when i think about it, i want to laugh. because it only took a few comments and "jokes" for me to be so angry at myself when i should be mad with them. i'm big. always have been, very likely always will. i've been told that i could make a very good rugby player. i probably would. i shared my cantine table with people (😔). and they wouldn't shut up. "[deadname], the rest wants to eat too!", "look at [deadname], she's gonna eat it all!". things like that. i stoped eating. i would pick up the smallest amount of food i could, even if my stomach was begging me to please eat something. eventually, my mum found out. and she helped me to grow out of it. i sometimes releapse, but never for that long. because i went on a whole year like that. and it sucked.
so, last year. socially anxious neurodivergent girl with several doubts on her sexuality gets to eight grade.
i play basketball. since i was little. i used to enjoy it a lot. we weren't a team– we were a family. loved 'em so much, 1000/10 one of the best things of my life. BOOM. now you're old enough & good enough to be on the "good" team. in the good time there's the cool kids. i am not a cool kid. oops. i was left behind, they all laughed at my back, no one cared about me (except one girl, but she was in the group and was scared to act until almost the end of the year. love her for that tho). i felt like shit. i was too scared to go to train. the sight of a ball scared me, because i couldn't help but think everyone was talking shit about me. we went to a national championship and when they went out to the city, they didn't tell me, then sent a pic of them having fun to the groupchat & delated it saying "oops it was for the other group". i had several breakdowns on my room that night. it was such a bad experience i can't even hear the name of the city without tearing up.
not to count that a new girl decided to make my life a living hell. now i know how to deal with her, but then i didn't, and i ended up curled up on the bathroom floor crying.
all while i discovered my own identity. i was so scared of being non-straight i hated myself for it.
it was a tough year and there were times where i would wish i'd never existed. it was too much for me to deal with, and i was just miserable. but i got out of it. remember the trans girl i mentioned? she's closeted, and she told me just this october. but even before that, she was my friend. she bought a new life to it all, a fresh one. i owe her a lot, including accepting myself as i am.
she is here, despite everything.
i am here, despite everything.
you are all here, despite everything.
some of us aren't here. they are the ones we remember. each one of us has our history. i shared mine with you all. it is not an easy road. you know that. it's hard, and it's tough, and it's difficult, and it's unfair.
but we are here, despite everything. the ones who made it, the ones who didn't, the ones who are halfway through it, and the ones who are to come.
we are here. we are trans. and we won't be erased.
#long post#my face#my selfie#tw homophobia#tw: queerphobia#tw: transphobia#tw: homophobia#tw queerphobia#tw transfobia#tw transphobia#transphobia tw#esting disorder#tw eating disorder#tw anxiety#tw anxious#tw panic attack#tw bullying#tw low self esteem#tw toxic enviroment#pao says shit#pao's fountain of dumbassery#pao speaks#pao's proud#trans day of visibility#tdov2020#tdov selfie#tdov#nonbinary#agender flux#libra fluid
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Book 5: The Stand
Bloggers note: if you’re looking for a complete plot summary and a list of all the characters in this epic tome, this is not the blog post for you. Proceed with caution.
Once upon a time, there was a precocious ten year-old, with divorced parents. One parent embraced her weirdness and didn’t pay attention to what books she was bringing home from the library; and the other parent was my dad... who constantly wondered (aloud) why I wasn’t like normal kids.
Being of slightly above-average intelligence, I saw this as an affront, and did subtle things just to piss him off. Subtle things “normal” children probs wouldn’t do. The summer I was ten, my dad had picked up a paperback copy of The Stand, and was raving to me about how good it was. I remember he was fixated on people falling dead in their bowls of Chunky soup.
“Sounds like a cool book, maybe I’ll read it,” I commented.
“This isn’t a book for children. You still haven’t read that copy of The Hobbit I gave you.”
Hold my beer, motherfucker. I’m here for it. And The Hobbit was boring af. I never got past all the singing.
Just to piss him off, I read the book cover to cover, faster than he did. You know, like normal vindictive ten year-old girls do. I don’t have a lot of memories of my dad growing up, but I hold onto this one fast and tight, because I got mine in the end. I was like the Trashcan Man of the fifth grade set. Just with a worse haircut. See below.
Needless to say, my comprehension of The Stand almost thirty years later is a little bigger, wider, and deeper. It’s also colored by other epic “Good vs. Evil” reads (sigh, yes... even Tolkien); and King’s other works (mostly The Dark Tower). While at times this was not an easy book to read, I’m glad I powered through it. Ultimately, I feel rewarded I didn’t give up on page 872 like I had initially wanted to. I’m also glad I didn’t go with my gut instinct of reading the original released in in 1978, and then later on the uncut edition that was released in 1990. One reading of The Stand per year is more than enough, thank you. And besides, there’s fun pictures along the way! I mean, if I’m being honest, the book is mostly pictures with just a few words here and there to break it up. I’m absolutely kidding.
Let’s get into it, shall we?
First of all, I picked the worst fucking time to read this book. Coronavirus is probably going to kill the whole world, and I refuse to be one of the survivors like in The Stand. There’s not enough bourbon in Kentucky for me to survive that shit show. Additionally, my family is huge into board games, and we thought Pandemic might be a fun cooperative game to try. Spoiler: it’s awesome, we’re all hooked on it. I highly recommend it for your next game night. Maybe an End of the World/Pandemic theme?? You can all wear gloves and masks, eat shelf stable foods and bottled water, and play REM on repeat. Sounds... awesome.
But I digress. The Stand is your ultimate post-apocalyptic good versus evil showdown. A government employee with Captain Trips (the world ending virus) goes AWOL from his base, and takes a frantic road trip across the country with his family, where he manages to contaminate everyone he comes in contact with.
What is Captain Trips? Well, I’m so glad you asked! To hear a doctor explain it, “We’ve got a disease with several well-defined stages... but some people may skip a stage. Some people may backtrack a stage. Some people may do both. Some people stay in one stage for a relatively long time and others zoom though all four as if they were on a rocket-sled...”
The virus spreads (like viruses do), until there’s less than 15,000 people left in the country (rough estimate). The people still alive start having two types of dreams; either scary nightmares about The Walking Man, or peaceful dreams about Mother Abigail. Again... good versus evil. Guess who is who. If you need clarification, let me give you this one little quote about Randall Flagg, courtesy of Mother Abigail, “He’s the purest evil left in the world. The rest of the bad is a little evil. Shoplifters and sexfiends and people who like to use their fists. But he’ll call them. He’s started already. He’s getting them together a lot faster than we are. Before he’s ready to make his move, I guess he’ll have a lot more. Not just the evil ones that are like him, but the weak ones... the lonely ones... and the ones that have left God out of their hearts.”
And his followers?
“They were nice enough people and all, but there wasn’t much love in them. Because they were too busy being afraid. Love didn’t grow very well in a place where there was only fear, just as plants didn’t grow very well in a place where it was always dark.”
Yeah. I’m just going to leave that there for you to read and digest.
So, the remaining people from all over the country either ended up in Vegas with Flagg, or Boulder with Mother Abigail and The Free Zone; which is basically Bernie Sander’s Utopian dream.
God damn it! I swore I wasn’t going to get political and compare Donald Trump to Randall Fla-
Ok, so The Free Zone. Most of the people who come to Boulder, want to meet Mother Abigail Freemantle, the one hundred and eight year old black woman they’ve been dreaming about. She’s got a self-described case of the shine, and speaks stupid relevant truth to her followers, “I have harbored hate of the Lord in my heart. Every man or woman who loves Him, they hate Him too, because He’s a hard God, a jealous God, He Is, what He Is, and in this world He’s apt to repay service with pain while those who do evil ride over the roads in Cadillac cars. Even the joy of serving Him is a bitter joy. I do His will, but the human part o me has cursed Him in my heart.”
I’m not religious, but that hit hard. And it shows you the clear difference between Randall Flagg, and Mother Abigail.
Later on, Mother Abigail also hits us over the head, and explains to us why this book is titled, The Stand: “But he is in Las Vegas, and you must go there, and it is there that you will make your stand. You will go, and you will not falter, because you have the Everlasting Arm of the Lord God of Hosts to lean on. Yes. With God’s help you will stand.”
Spoiler: it doesn’t quite go according to her plan. Very few are left standing at the end.
So, The Free Zone. People come together, dispose of dead bodies, get electricity turned back on again, clear the roads of abandoned cars, and form a de-facto government. While lots of characters come and go (die. They die.) throughout the book, there are a few mainstays in The Free Zone: Franny, Harold, Stu, Larry, Nick, Tom, Nadine, and Lucy. But again... good versus evil. While most of the residents of The Free Zone are good, Flagg is able to whisper in the ears of some members, mostly Harold and Nadine, who end up defecting and making the trip to Vegas.
While socialist utopia is succeeding in Boulder, Flagg is ruling with fear of crucifixion in Vegas. His henchmen include Lloyd, and The Trashcan Man. Oh, Trashy... maybe one of King’s most iconic characters. He’s a bit of a firebug (understatement of the century), and really goes out in a blaze of glory (ha. Pun intended).
In fact, the two heroes of this book are Trashcan Man, thanks to his epic nuclear disaster; and simple-minded Tom Cullen, who is able to infiltrate Flagg’s inner circle, and successfully make it out, rescuing Stu Redman, who is dying in the desert with a broken leg and a horrible infection along the way. Tom Cullen is the character you root for. But Trashy is the character you’re always curious about. He’s like that rebel guy you dated in high school for ten minutes, and now stalk on Facebook, because you want to see what shady shit he’s up to twenty years later.
This is the biggest oversimplification I think I’ve ever written. The onus is on you to just pick up the damn book and read it yourself. Do it soon, because you might not have a lot of time left, what with Coronavirus breathing it’s death fumes down our necks.
For those still keeping track, we have TWO Wisconsin references in The Stand. The first was on page five, set in a gas station in East Texas, “...had covered himself with glory as a quarterback of the regional high school team, had gone on to Texas A&M with an athletic scholarship, and had played for ten years with the Green Bay Packers...”
I can’t help but feel Steve is a closeted Packers fan. He lives in Maine, so I know he’s contractually obligated to be a Patriots fan (gag), but come on... homeboy loves him some green and yellow.
The second reference comes from our friend Trashcan Man, while trying to find a walking route of possible destruction. “He had planned to get over to the west side of Gary, near the confusion of interchanges leading various roads towards Chicago or Milwaukee...”
Question... does Gary, Indiana still smell in a post-apocalyptic world? Asking for a friend.
We also start getting the Dark Tower references fast and heavy. I didn’t make note every time Steve referenced wolves, crows, or wheels; because we’d be up over a million references now. And Randall Flagg himself is straight out of The Tower. So that’s fun. And we have our first “ka” reference: “And it came to him with a dreamy, testicle-shriveling certainty that this was the dark man, his soul, his ka somehow projected into this rain-drenched, grinning crow that was looking at him...”
‘Tis ka, bitches.
Total Wisconsin Mentions: 8
Dark Tower References: 4
Book Grade: A-
Rebecca’s Definitive Ranking of Stephen King Books
The Shining
The Stand
‘Salem’s Lot
Carrie
Night Shift
Next up is The Dead Zone, which I must have watched a million times as a kid, because my mom was obsessed with it, but I’ve never actually read the book. So this should be fun! I mean... who doesn’t love reading a book and imagining Christopher Walken without his cowbell as the main character?
Long Days and Pleasant Nights,
Rebecca
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