we have pulled each other / out of the wreckage of our own bodies / sat beside each other / straight backed / making islands out of each other's bruises / promising that one day / we would live there

Joelle Taylor, C+nto : & othered poems: Jack Catch - to the lighthouse

have you guys even read c+nto & othered poems by joelle taylor. changing my address and name so no one who has not read it can ever find me

Joelle Taylor, C+nto & Othered Poems

finished C+nto & Othered poems, gonna just lay in a dark room for a bit

top 5 favourite books?

it is a CRIME to ask such a question to a book lover like me. immediate jail for you

(not in any order and not a comprehensive list by any margin)

a little life by hanya yanagihara (absolutely do NOT recommend)

the song of achilles by madeline miller

night sky with exit wounds by ocean vuong

c+nto and othered poems by joelle taylor

i'm thinking of ending things by iain reid

acts of gratuitous dykery committed this week: defended a master's dissertation on butch lesbian performance poetry (joelle taylor's c+nto and othered poems) at my staunchly catholic college, gonna deliver a talk at a conference on stone butch blues today

life has never been this good

You said if we’ve never seen a pic of you to guess what you look like and I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen so I’m gonna guess! I think you have short curly brown hair like above your shoulders kinda more cropped somewhat towards the ears, maybe brown eyes could be green or a mix, think you’d be like average height so like anywhere between 5’4 to 5’7, I think you’d probably have a nice style I imagine you in overalls in this description, I feel like your eyebrows could be like what people consider somewhat big/thick and lovely like not super thin, maybe like eyelashes that are naturally long, for your nose I have no clue and uhhh idk what else to try and describe! I tried to stay to just the face and hope it’s okay that I tried I’ve never just tried to describe someone I’ve never seen based on like vibes and what you might’ve said on your blog that I’ve caught in passing! Anyways, I hope you have a lovely rest of your day/night and I hope that headache you had went away soon after we last spoke! How’s the book you bought by the way/what’s it about?? -🤍🤍🤍

Very very close im obsessed w how u got all that from just my silly little blog, u must be a very observant person which is a beautiful trait to have imo🫂💟

kinda right w the hair like it is curly but atm its past my shoulders bc i havnt had it cut in aaages :(( but i prefer it just under my chin kinda length.

Love that u think im wayy taller than i probably actually am😭😭😭 gonna keep it that way and gatekeep my actual height <3 (mainly bc idk it in feet lmao).

I LOVE OVERALLS!!! and its a crime i dont currenly own a pair :( going shopping either this weekend or next so think im gonna try and find some😋

i do have thick ass eyebrows lmao, basically stopped plucking or waxing or caring about them over lockdown/realising i was nonbinary sooo theyre just There sjdjsd

thank youuu it passed pretty easy actually, pretty sure ive just been putting too much unnecessary pressure on myself recently so gotta just take it easy this weekend i think <3

I got 'C + nto & Othered Poems' by Joelle Taylor, its a bunch of poems on butches experience with sexuality and gender. Ive only just read a bit but v v good so far !!!

Revisiting The Sealey Challenge 2021 ~ 12

The last of last year's sample, as the summer holiday kicks in.

Wislawa Szymborska's book is one of very few I've read so far in translation - although, thanks to the advocacy of Astrid Alben at her Poetry School workshops, I realise that I need to change this or will be much the poorer reader (/ and, presumably, writer) for that.

It's presented with the original Polish on the LH pages and the translated text on the RH pages. I can't read the original, but there's a sort of reassurance about seeing it - an echo of the gesture towards legitimacy that academics make when they offer references (and which, most of the time, is an academic habit I continue to value).

Unsurprisingly, given my taste preferences, I was much more taken with the joy-in-small-things poems (from memory, more of these in the second part of the book?) and found it hard to look at the ones that address atrocity. The ending of the title poem, for instance, is pretty hard to read - but isn't the point that I should also be disturbed by the apparently idyllic life described in the earlier part, given the cost-to-others that made it possible? (That's a big yes, BTW.)

Here's what the publisher said about that poem, extracted from the cover narrative about this collection:

Nobel laureate Symborska takes on current events and ancient conundrums in this elegant, terse new collection.

The title abbreviates the opening poem, "Monologue of a Dog Ensnared in History": the dog stands for all the citizens who served, or simply failed to resist, dictators, then wondered at the revolutions that displaced them. 

And a quick flashback to the moment when I shifted from thinking - I AM DEFINITELY NOT READING FOR THE SEALEY CHALLENGE THIS YEAR - to thinking - ok, I'm in, but just - you know, more slowly this time, maybe. I particularly appreciated the idea that we focus on sharing a favourite poem from the week's reading on a Wednesday.

Well, I have two e-books from the lovely Southbank Centre Poetry Library and they're both pretty hard going...

Which is not AT ALL to say that they should be avoided (although, yes, that is my instinct). They were written, I'm taking it, because the world is NOT right and this should be witnessed, protested.

Today's featured poem is called "Canto" (meaning - song) from "Songs My Enemy Taught Me" by Joelle Taylor. This is a book from 2017, so before C+nto won the TS Eliot Prize this year. It's almost entirely poetry-as-reportage, and, yes, comes with background notes in a reference section. Taylor has written poems sometimes about, sometimes in-the-voice-of the women whose oppressions she uncovered (spoiler - it wasn't hard to uncover stories of violence against women... usually framed as "of course" or "unsolveable").

She says of the work that it's like crossing a poet with a photo-journalist and then taking away the camera. The words as record.

Just a small extract from Canto, which opens the piece - caught my eye because the vivid capture of a dissociative moment, and yes, because it features the word "Wednesday". (Also, quick confession that the line breaks are messed up here, mea culpa).

I once witnessed my own murder.

It was Wednesday. It is always

Wednesday.

After my death people continued talking to me

as though I were still

there.

And here's a small extract from Joelle Taylor's introduction to the collection, where she writes about her motivation:

... I was continually moving, trying to break free from the skin that had imprisoned me by birth as a woman. I could have been forgiven for believing that I was transgender. But I am not. I am a woman who is afraid of being a woman, and that is very different...

... But inside every poem is a poem, and inside that there is another one still. The same principle applies to this book.

Once I had begun to see myself, I could not help noticing what was happening to women worldwide...

— Joelle Taylor, C+nto & Othered Poems

because mothers are not photocopiers

C+nto & Othered Poems by Joelle Taylor, 111

Joelle Taylor wins TS Eliot poetry prize for &#39;blazing&#39; C+nto &amp; Othered Poems

it must be true what does not kill you makes you make you

Joelle Taylor, C+nto : & othered poems: A Woman Steps Out of Her Wound

Psalms 9-10

Psalms 9 and 10 are one psalm, and are treated as such by the Septuagint. So all Greek and Hebrew Bible psalm numbering is off by one for several psalms. (Here's a reconciliation of Psalms numbering by a fellow Biblical Studies blogger and carnival host.)

This psalm is a broken alphabetic game. Whether it is broken because it is old and has been left in a disordered room and pieces were lost under the bed or under the dresser, or whether it is deliberately broken as if the child does not want to play, we don't know. What we do know is that an editor or an author can decide to drop a verse, as the Masoretes dropped the Nun verse of Psalms 145,  or deliberately reverse the normal sequence of letters as Lamentations reverses peh and ayin.

This is the longest analysis of the music we have yet undertaken. Psalms 9 begins on the third of the scale, tifcha, g, the mediant. According to my thesis, this shows its connection to the prior psalm. The first acrostics of book 5 (111, 112) also begin on a note other than the tonic. The remaining acrostic poems all begin on the tonic.

thlim 't Psalms 9 Fn Min Max Syll a lmnxk yl-mut lbn mzmor ldvid 1 For the leader on death of the son. A psalm of David. g 3e 3g 13 b aodh ihvh bcl-libi asprh cl-nplaotiç 2 I will thank Yahweh with all my heart. I will recount all your wonders. 3e 4B 8 9 g awmkh vaylxh bç azmrh wmç ylion 3 I will be glad and I will be elated in you. I will sing a psalm to your name Most High. 3e 4B 8 7 d bwub-aoibii akor iicwlu viabdu mpniç 4 But when my enemies turn back, let them stumble and perish from your presence. 3e 4A 6 10 h ci-ywit mwp'ti vdini iwbt lcisa wop't xdq 5 For you have made my judgment and my case. You sit enthroned judging right. 3e 4B 9 10 v gyrt goiim aibdt rwy wmm mkit lyolm vyd 6 God, you rebuked the nations. You made wickedness perish. You have erased their name forever and ever. 3e 4B 10 10 z haoib tmu korbot lnxk vyrim ntwt abd zcrm hmh 7 Here O enemy, completed are ruins in perpetuity, and cities you have blotted out. Perished is their memory of them. 3e 4B 11 6 6 k vihvh lyolm iiwb conn lmwp't cisao 8 Verily, Yahweh forever sits. He has established his throne for judgment. g 3e 4B 7 7 't vhua iwpo't-tbl bxdq idin laumim bmiwrim 9 And he himself will judge the world in righteousness. He will make the case for the tribes in uprightness. 3e 4A 9 9 i vihi ihvh mwgb ldç mwgb lyitot bxrh 10 And Yahweh will be a retreat for the crushed, a retreat in times of trouble. ~ 3e 4C 8 8 ia vib'tku bç iodyi wmç ci la-yzbt dorwiç ihvh 11 And they will trust in you knowing your name, for you Yahweh do not forsake those searching for you. 3e 4C 11 9 ib zmru lihvh iowb xion hgidu bymim ylilotiv 12 Zion in Zion where Yahweh sits, let all sing a psalm. Evident among the peoples is his prodigality. 3e 4B 8 10 ig ci-dorw dmim aotm zcr la-wck xyqt ynvvim 13 Because searching out blood, he remembers them. He does not forget the outcry of the afflicted. 3e 4B 8 8 id konnni ihvh rah yonii mwonaii mrommi mwyri mvvt 14 Have mercy, be gracious to me Yahweh. See my impoverishment from those hating me, you who lift me high from the gates of death, 3e 4B 12 9 'tv lmyn asprh cl-thiltç bwyri bt-xion agilh biwuytç 15 so that I will recount all your praises in the gates of the daughter of Zion. I will rejoice in your salvation. 3e 4A 12 7 8 'tz 'tbyu goiim bwkt ywu brwt-zu 'tmnu nlcdh rglm 16 The nations sink in the destruction they made. In this net that they buried, their foot is caught. 3e 4B 9 12 iz nody ihvh mwp't ywh bpoyl cpiv noqw rwy higion slh 17 Yahweh is known, Judgment he makes. In the work of his palms he lays a trap for the wicked. Meditation. Selah. C 3d 4C 8 9 5 ik iwubu rwyim lwaolh cl-goiim wcki alohim 18 Into their grave the wicked will turn, all nations that forget God. 3e 4B 9 9 i't ci la lnxk iiwck abion tqvvt yniim tabd lyd 19 Causes of the needy will not always be forgotten. The expectation of the poor will not perish for ever. C 3e 4C 10 9 c qumh ihvh al-iyoz anow iiwp'tu goiim yl-pniç 20 arise Yahweh, let a mortal not be strong. Let the nations be judged in your presence. 3e 4B 9 9 ca with ihvh morh lhm iidyu goiim anow hmh slh 21 Impose, Yahweh. Fear to them. let the nations know their mortality. Selah. ~ 3e 4C 8 4 6 thlim i Psalms 10 Fn Min Max Syll a lmh ihvh tymod brkoq tylim lyitot bxrh 1 LORD why do you stand in the distance, obscure in times of trouble? 3e 4B 10 8 b bgavvt rwy idlq yni iitpwu bmzimot zu kwbu 2 In pride criminal hotly pursues poor. Let them be arrested in those schemes they have devised. 3e 4B 10 10 g ci-hill rwy yl-tavvt npwo uboxy birç niax ihvh 3 For criminal boasted over its own desire, and blessed extortion, spurning Yahweh. 3e 4B 10 10 d rwy cgobh apo bl-idrow ain alohim cl-mzimotiv 4 Criminal looks down its un-searching nose. There is no God in all its multifarious schemes. 3e 4B 10 9 h ikilu drciv bcl-yt mrom mwp'tiç mngdo cl-xorriv ipik bhm 5 Its ways are twisted. In all times, high is your judgment, out of its sight. All its troubles, It snorts at them. ~ 3e 4C 18 8 v amr blibo bl-amo't ldor vdor awr la-bry 6 It said in its heart, I will not be moved, from generation to generation, in which there is no evil. 3e 4B 8 9 z alh pihu mla umrmot vtoç tkt lwono yml vavvn 7 Pucker full of imprecation and deceit and fraud, under its tongue toil and mischief, 3e 4C 11 10 k iiwb bmarb kxrim bmstrim ihrog nqi yiniv lklch ixponu 8 it sits in the lurking places of the villages. In hidden places it slays the innocent, its eyes treasuring the hapless. 3e 4C 17 8 't iarob bmstr carih bsuco iarob lk'tof yni ik'tof yni bmowco brwto 9 It lies in wait in its hiding place like lion in lair. It lies in wait to seize the poor. It seizes the poor. It draws him away in Its net. 3e 4B 20 10 i idch iwok vnpl byxumiv kil caim 10 It crushes. It presses down, and hapless falls by its sheer numbers. 3e 4B 5 10 ia amr blibo wck al hstir pniv bl-rah lnxk 11 It said in its heart, God has forgotten. He hides his face. He will never see. 3e 4B 8 10 ib qumh ihvh al nwa idç al-twck ynvvim 12 Quickly arise! Yahweh God. Lift up your hand. Do not forget the afflicted. 3e 4C 10 6 ig yl-mh niax rwy alohim amr blibo la tdrow 13 Since when does criminal spurn God? It said in its heart, He will not search. 3e 4C 9 8 id rait ci-ath yml vcys tbi't ltt bidç yliç iyzob klch itom ath hiit yozr 14 Regard you will, for you yourself take note of toil and grief to give by your hand. To you the hapless defer. The orphan you yourself will help. 3d 4C 18 9 9 'tv wbor zroy rwy vry tdrow-rwyo bl-tmxa 15 Shatter the arm of criminal, and for an evil one, search out its crimes till none is found. g 3e 4B 7 9 'tz ihvh mlç yolm vyd abdu goiim marxo 16 Yahweh is king now and for ever. Perished are the nations from his land. 3e 4B 8 7 iz tavvt ynvvim wmyt ihvh tcin libm tqwib aoznç 17 The desire of the afflicted you have heard Yahweh. Establish their heart. You will make your ear attend, 3e 4B 11 9 ik lwpo't itom vdç bl-iosif yod lyrox anow mn-harx 18 to judge orphan and crushed. Adding no longer, to ruthlessness is mortal from the earth. 3e 4A 6 4 9

I have bolded the acrostic letters and a few selected recurring words to see if they help define strophes. I have generally considered acrostics to be less amenable than other poems to structural analysis. 

Here's the music.

What if we abstract the musical shapes by verse. We could substitute the accent names, but the letters are briefer. The three-character abbreviations below are for ornaments (supra-lineal signs). This is easier than talking about accent sequences, but much harder than reading and hearing the music. There are no available performances.

incipit g f# rev,f# e - no higher than an f#

2 e B g ^A ger-rev,e - first half matches 10:6, second half revia mugrash occurs 30 times, 9 times on ^A - this is an extended recit on the rest note, can be significant in word / mood painting. 3 e B B ^A g B e - first half matches 18 4 e f# ^A f# ger-rev,e - first half matches 10:6 and final approach of 9 and 16, second half ger-rev occurs 19 times on an f# - 7 full matches for this return to the tonic 5 e g B ^A f# ger-rev,f# e unique approach to ^A - 21 return to the tonic via f#, 8 full matches for v5 6 e B g B ^A f# ger-rev,f# e - first half, nine matches, 6, 11, 13, 16, 20 and 10:1-3 and 16

7 e pas,f# rev,ole,f# f# ^A g B e - tricolon - note 6 occurrences of pashta (=qadma) 8 g B ^A g B e - first half matches 10:15 + 18 final approach partial matches 9 e rev,e f# ^A f# ger-rev,e - 13 return to the tonic directly after the common ornament. 10 zar,C B B ^A ger-rev,f# e The first of three verses to begin with a zarqa 11 e B g B ^A C e g B e - middle verse music is unique both in approach and return 12 e rev,g B ^A f# ger-rev,e 13 e B g B ^A e ger-rev,f# e - ger-rev on the tonic

14 e ill,rev,B g ^A ger-rev,f# e - seven illuy, 6 in the next psalm 15 e f# rev,e ole,f# e f# ^A ger-rev,e - tricolon 16 e B g B ^A e f# ger-rev,f# e 17 C pas,zar,d ole,f# B g B ^A f# e - tricolon 18 e B B ^A ger-rev,f# e 19 C B g B ^A f# ger-rev,f# e

20 e B g B ^A f# ger-rev,e 21 zar,C pas,rev,ole,f# f# ^A g B e- tricolon

1 e B g B ^A ger-rev,f# e 2 e B g B ^A shl,g B e - unique shalshelet in this verse. 3 e B g B ^A f# ger-rev,zar,f# e 4 e rev,B g ^A f# ger-rev,e 5 zar,C pas,rev,B g ^A ger-rev,f# e

6 e B g ^A f# ger-rev,B e return to the tonic matches 10 and 13 following 7 e C B g B ^A f# ger-rev,f# e 8 e C ill,rev,g B ^A ger-rev,e f# e 9 e ill,pas,ill,rev,g B ^A f# ger-rev,f# e 10 e f# ^A f# ger-rev,B e 11 e B g B e ^A f# ger-rev,f# e

12 e C rev,g B ^A f# e 13 e C g f# ^A f# ger-rev,B e 14 e paz,e C zar,C pas,zar,d ole,f# g B ^A ger-rev,C ill,e - tricolon 15 g B ^A ger-rev,e f# e 16 e B g B ^A f# ger-rev,e 17 e ill,B B ^A f# ger-rev,f# e 18 e f# rev,ole,f# f# ^A f# ger-rev,e - tricolon

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‘violence / its own grief / palms raised in almost prayer’

Joelle Taylor, C+nto & Othered Poems

Betrayed Stars

Eleven x Reader

Request: Anon Asked: 17 with either the tenth or eleventh doctor

Hello Anon. First off; I AM SO SORRY I HAVE NOT POSTED THIS SOONER. I feel so horrible that I have not gotten this up for you until now, but I hope you enjoy what I came up with. Life has been…well, life. Thank you for your support, and I hope you still are here to follow and read! This is a sequel to New Beginnings, Old Endings and is a bit of a long one. I hope you enjoy the read. THANK YOU FOR STICKING WITH ME. Xoxo

Title: Betrayed Stars

Word Count: 6,116

Warnings: Death, grieving (and all the things that come with that like depression, anger, etc.), cursing.

You sat in your bay window looking out onto the cityscape, rain pelting down onto the glass. The book you were reading laying half open in your lap, your fingers being the only thing from losing your page number. You were so entranced by the rain that you hadn’t heard the door creak open behind you, or the soft footsteps that traveled over to you until one arm settled on your lap, and the other snaked behind you. You jumped, startled by the sudden contact and when your head snapped to turn in the direction of where the embrace was coming from you were greeted with a quick kiss from your boyfriend, Bo. “Why hello there.” You greeted a smile growing on your lips. “Hi there bookworm.” He replied, kissing you again while the smile was still on your lips. When he broke away, he sighed happily and let his chin rest on your leg looking out to the rain painted streets of the city.

“So smiley?” You observed, not caring about the view that laid outside your window, completely taken by his handsome face. “I love kissing you when you’re smiling.” He claimed, peeking up at you with only his eyes. “And why is that?” “Because, I can feel your happiness. I can actually feel it against my lips, and I love feeling your happiness.” He explained in a matter-of-fact way. You shifted your body to face him as you put your book to the side, not caring about the page. He shifted with you so he was kneeling between your legs while still having his arms around your waist. You took his face in your hands and had his deep blue orbs look into your Y/E/C ones. You were of course, smiling even bigger now at his sweet words, and kissed him again not letting the smile fade for a second. You felt his smile grow underneath your lips and the two of you started to chuckle at one another under the kisses. “I felt your happiness there.” You claimed, running your finger through his light brown hair, taking in every feature he had. “You make me happy.” You noted, feeling your stomach flutter at his gaze. “And you make me happy Y/N. Happier than you’ll ever know.” He responded, pulling himself closer to you. You leaned into him and set your forehead against his, electric shocks of love, and warmth radiating through your whole body. “Love you always Y/N.” He declared, looking up into your eyes. “Love you always Bo.”

That was the last night you spent with him. Some of the last things you had said to him. One of the last times you held him in your arms. The last time he would look at you, hold you, kiss you, love you…The last time you would feel whole and happy again.

You sat in the Tardis library with the same book in your hand from that night, tears falling down your cheeks as you reminisced on the memory of him. You saw the now tear stained pages, and quickly swiped them from the pages and your face with your sweater sleeve. A loud bang came from another part of the library, and you knew it was the Doctor fumbling about with some thing or another. His familiar footsteps wandered about the place as if he was looking for something specific, but you had no idea what. “Y/N! If you like poems, you’ll have to read this book I found. It’s one from a planet called Bonkreda, some the greatest writers of that galaxy wrote these! I remember I went there once for a festival and it was absolutely wonderful!” He chatted from around the corner. As you quickly sniffled and wiped your eyes with your sleeve and quickly tried to turn the pages of your book as if you were reading it. However, he caught you in the act and immediately fell silent, looking at you with concern in his eyes.  

“Y/N?” He asked quietly, not sure if asking if you were alright was really the right thing to ask. “Hm? Yeah Doctor?” You responded, looking from your book back up to him, forcing a half smile. The Doctor didn’t know whether to go to you, or keep his distance with you at the moment, knowing what you had gone through and how you were struggling. He made small steps towards you as he tried to gauge what your reaction would be. “Do you need me to do anything?” He finally asked you, and you only shook your head. “Y/N…I’m so sorry.” Was all he could muster to say. You felt a stab of pain twist in your stomach that made you feel like you were going to vomit. “Doctor I’m fine.” You coldly stated, standing up and rushing past him for the exit. “Y/N? Y/N!” He called after you, but your feet kept moving until you left the library and continued down the hallways until you reached your room. As soon as you closed the door you burst into tears and slid down to the floor, the door being your only force of support. You noticed you had brought the book with you, and threw it as hard as you could across the room before bringing your hands up to cover your face in a vain attempt to keep what little pieces you had left, somewhat put together.

Once you had calmed down, you willed yourself to get up off the floor and move to the bed. You laid flat on your back and stared up at the ceiling, feeling numb. Tears continued to float down your cheeks, leaving trails of sadness streaking your face. It had been four months since you lost Bo, and the days didn’t feel like they were going to be getting any easier. You knew Bo wouldn’t want to see you like this, and would have wanted you to live your life. You also knew that people that wish you to live your life like normal after losing the one person that meant the universe to you, have probably never experienced it themselves. The day replayed in your head over and over again. Each analysis coming up short on what exactly you could have done differently to save Bo. You hoped that the more you had replayed the memory in your mind, the quicker the memory of that day would dissipate into the farthest reaches of your head; but no matter how many times you would replay the memory, of the memory, of the memory, everything was vivid, clear, and not ceasing from making your mind slowly unhinge itself from reality.

The Doctor had come back to your flat completely unannounced. He had knocked frantically on your door before you answered, and you were taken aback when you were greeted with the familiar, sparkling green eyes. Those very orbs looked like they were full of worry and dread until you had answered, relief flooding his entire body as soon as you locked eyes for the first time in a year. You had let the Doctor go because of Bo, and you had no idea why he would think it sensible to come back. After a rather heated reunion, filled with confusion, fear, and a touch of anger, the Doctor had explained he had heard of things called weeping angels in your city, and had to be sure you were still safe and in your own place in time. You had reassured him you and Bo were doing fine, ready to get back into your apartment and try to continue your life when Bo had come out, coming face to face with the alien that you had traveled through time and space with for the first time. There was more confusion, and anger shed between the three of you until you had finally told Bo everything. You weren’t surprised that he had such an easy-going reaction, but you couldn’t help but wonder if Bo really was believing everything you said.

“This is shit straight out of X-Files or something,” Bo claimed with a somber look as he crossed his arms. “So, you guys are like, the Scully and Molder of the universe then?” He asked darting glances between you and the Doctor. “I mean, I suppose you could say that. But it doesn’t even matter because I am here, and he goes off and travels, and discovers new things, and he just…. he does that by himself now.” You snapped off the tip of your tongue, really not wanting to give anyone ideas that all three of you should jump in the Tardis and blast off into time and space. The Doctor gave a weak smile, and looked from you to the ground before looking back up at Bo, clearly having been jabbed by your comments. You felt a twang of guilt as you recognized the familiar gesture. “Unless of course you do have a new, um, companion? Where are they?” You professed in an attempt to smooth out your previous jabs. “No you were right before, just me. But that’s not why I’m here, and I don’t think you fully understand what I am asking from you Y/N. And, I guess, you too Bo.” You stepped closer to Bo’s side and crossed your arms over your chest. You didn’t even know what he was going to ask, but anything that would involve him not only ask for your help, but Bo’s as well, couldn’t be good. “Well? What is it then?” You asked, your defenses up so high that it could wrap you and Bo both into a figurative fortress. “I need you to take me to find the angels.”

You were reluctant. Of course you were. You had to be. The Doctor had explained what the weeping angels were, and what they did in more detail, and it terrified you. You didn’t want to be zapped into another place in time to be stuck there to live out your days. As the Doctor waited for an answer, before you could say anything about the whole thing being too risky, Bo had answered that he wanted to help the Doctor find the creatures. “Bo! What are you doing?” You hissed, shocked that he would want any part in something like this. “There are unexplainable things happening right now Y/N, if this guy that thinks I can help in any way I want to. Plus, you did this a lot it seems, I want to see what’s it like too.” He looked into your worried eyes, and he gave you a reassuring squeeze on your leg and kissed your temple. “Y/N, it’ll be fine.” He whispered before looking back at the Doctor, “Let’s do it Doc.” The Doctor had slightly cringed at this new nickname he had acquired from Bo, but forced a smile before a serious look fell onto his face. “Let’s get the angels out of here.”

You had gone through what felt like every single park, cemetery, and building with any sort of statue and yet there were absolutely no signs of these angels. You had started to feel comfortable again, as if the threat of danger had only been a false alarm. “Where are they?!” The Doctor yelled when you all had got back into the Tardis. “Doctor, are you sure you’re information is correct? Right time? Right place?” You queried, watching Bo from the corner of your eye at how amazed he was about being in the Tardis. Watching Bo’s bewilderment flashed you back to when you first step foot into the blue police box. You must have had a similar reaction, as you were sure everyone had that encountered the Doctor and his space ship. However, you also knew it was a very personal experience to know that all the boundaries and limitations you once knew of where shattered and now the infinite possibilities could be just beyond the threshold of the Tardis doors of the push of a button. Watching Bo made you forget the mission at hand, and you couldn’t help but let the small smile that laid upon your face stay there.

The Doctor soon jerked you out of your thoughts as he answered, “Yes! Yes of course I’m sure Y/N! They are hiding out really well this time…Maybe they haven’t come out of dormancy yet? No then why would the Tardis alert me otherwise?” The Doctor continued to ramble on like this, taking a look at the screens the console had attached to it, and took off once again to a new location. You clung onto Bo as the Tardis jolted about before finally taking her landing. According to the Doctor, you were at another cemetery that had long since been rooted up. When you had stepped out of the Tardis doors behind the Doctor, you found yourself in a murky, dim place. The area surrounding was covered in brush, different kinds of trees, and all sorts of other wildlife. The area was covered with greens and browns, everything surrounding making you feel cold and damp. “Remember, do not blink if you spy any sort of statue that seems to be out of place or looking back at you.” The Doctor warned, stepping among the twigs and leaves. You had walked about the large area for over an hour when you had decided to go back to the Tardis. Everything seemed fine, as if everything was going to actually be okay and there really wasn’t anything to worry about…

The Tardis was still some ways ahead of your little troupe, when Bo fell to the ground hard, breaking sticks and rustling leaves in the tumble down. “Oh my god – Are you okay Mr. Clumsy?” You asked, seeing him blow his hair from his eyes before looking back at you. “Yeah, I think so. I just tripped on a root I think.” He claimed, turning his body to look behind him to assess the damage he might have done. But he wasn’t greeted with a large stick, rock, or uprooted tree when he looked down at his ankle. He spied a hand clawed around his leg and it was gripping with force. “What the fuck?” Bo startled, trying to wring his leg out of the hand hoping it would let him free. He went to touch the stone hand, when the Doctor quickly intervened, “NO! No, no don’t touch it!” He shouted, rushing over to Bo while swishing out his sonic screwdriver. “How the hell is it doing this? What the hell is it doing?” The Doctor asked frantically, immediately sending you into a panic. You went over to Bo and let yourself fall onto your hand and knees next to him, trying to see if you could be helpful in any way. The Doctor was walking around the immediate are, his sonic buzzing on. “It’s gripping onto you too tightly. Why won’t it let you go, Doctor why isn’t it letting go of him??” You were trying to pull Bo across the ground to see if he could somehow slide out of this situation, but he wasn’t able to budge any farther than the length of his leg. Your face snapped up to the Doctor to see what he could be doing, and your heart sank into the pit of your gut. He had that look on his face. On his whole body. That look that would spread through him and turn his blood cold, and show that things have turned for the worst... “It was a trap…”

“They’re coming. More than one. A group of three or four? They are coming. From underground. I did not plan for this…Oh shit I did not think that…” “Do you ever plan for shit to happen Doctor?” You shot, looking all around you to see where other hands may be popping up. Bo frantically looked from between you and the Doctor again, seeing all the color having flushed from your usual Y/S/C skin. In that moment of no one staring at the hand, sure enough more of the angel had crawled from the depths of dirt, and a viscous looking face with bared teeth greeting you and Bo. “Doctor!” You cried out, immediately staring at the face and willing yourself not to blink.

After that, everything felt that it was going in slow motion, and at super speed all at the same time. You and the Doctor had attempted to yank and pull Bo free, failing every attempt as Bo locked his eyes not only on the one angel, but now the set of three. The Doctor’s eyes shot from staring at the angels, back to you, then to Bo repeatedly, trying to think of something but there was only one thing ringing through his head no matter what solution he would try to think of. “We need to leave.” The Doctor panted, turning to look at you. You shot daggers from your eyes at the Doctor before quickly turning back to stare at the angels to try and get them to stay where they were. “We are not leaving. No. This was not a part of the plan, we do not leave without Bo.” You stated, not budging from your spot as the Doctor stood up and began to take a few steps back. “Y/N, we can’t...we have to go!” He yelled, knowing the look you would have on your face. “NO DOCTOR!” You exclaimed over your shoulder, gripping onto Bo still attempting to wriggle him free. Tears had begun to fall from your eyes. You had started to feel the entirety of panic and fear reverberate through your being. You felt your blood turn from cold to hot over and over again. You couldn’t leave him. You wouldn’t leave him…

You and the Doctor had continued to fight, but he had kept his distance from you and Bo not wanting to get distracted and then all three of you be thrown into another time. Bo had no idea what he was about to do, all he knew was that he needed you to be safe. He needed you to go with the Doctor and be safe. He was terrified, and he didn’t know if he could go anywhere in this world, or any world for that matter, without you. Bo wrapped himself around you as much as he could, and squeezed you hard. You squeezed him back, tears making it near impossible to keep your vision clear. “Bo, Bo I, if I could just…Just please! Please get out!” You had yelled, vainly attempting to ignore the now solidified inevitable. “Bo, I love you. I love you so much…I can’t go, I can’t leave you.” “Y/N  you –“ The Doctor started but you cut him off, “No! No Doctor! I am going to be going with him! I will not leave him!” Bo squeezed your waist hard, and leaned the best he could to talk into your ear, as he tried to calm you down. “Y/N. I love you. I will always love you. Sweetheart, I’m going to be fine. You need to go. I’m not mad at you, I’m so sorry I put us in this position…But you have a time machine after all…”  “Bo! No! No, It will…I can’t do this without you! I can’t live without you!” You cried, the Doctor struggling to keep himself at bay, not knowing if he could live without you himself. “You are my universe Bo, I gave up all of the universes combined because you were the only person that mattered. The only person that made all of time and space second rate. If you go…If I have to face the world without you…I don’t think I can.” You uttered as you painstakingly stared into the cold eyes of the angel in front of you, just waiting for any moment to pounce. “Y/N…Look for me? Look for me love, I won’t be away from you forever.” Your body had slumped down into his, hugging him tightly. You promised you would under your breath through your cries. You hadn’t felt his grip around you grow tighter, you didn’t feel him positioning you to get you away from him and to the Doctor so you could escape. Then he uttered, “Smile for me Y/N.” Then his lips were crashing onto yours, you gave a small smile, feeling his grow under your lips as well. You opened your eyes, and were greeted by his blue ones, but before either of you could say another word, before you could hold him, kiss him, or even try to save him…He vanished. Replaced by a frozen, stone face of an angel.

The rest of the memory was cloudy. You knew you screamed in agony. You knew you were sobbing. You knew the Doctor had carried you to the Tardis and threw yourselves inside the safety of the blue box. You know he held you on the floor after you took off for hours as you wept in his lap. The minutes after Bo was taken from you had turned to hours, days, now months and your wish had still remained that you had been taken with Bo, or would have never agreed to help the Doctor.

You weren’t sure how many times you had drifted into sleep, and you weren’t sure when the Doctor had come into your room, but when you came out of another daze. He was sitting on the floor by the foot of your bed. You didn’t look down at him because you knew that looking at him you would most likely start to cry again. You both let each other be, the room filled with silence and breathing. After a while, the Doctor finally asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” Another lurch of pain stabbed you through your core and before you could answer your usual ‘no’, you had viscerally replied, “Is he safe?” The Doctor was taken back by your question, and began to say his usual fillers as he attempted to find an answer or perhaps another question. “Yes or no Doctor. Is Bo safe?” You articulated, sitting yourself up to look him in the eye. In the lamp light, his eyes looked as if there was a fire crackling within them surrounded by the gentle green. At first he wouldn’t look you in the eye, and when he finally did he claimed; “I don’t know.” “How could you not know Doctor? You must know something. You knew about the angels, you knew they were in our time, you took us to where they were, you knew it was a bloody trap for Christ sakes!” You rambled, looking up at the ceiling, the Doctor shifting to sit on the foot of your bed.  “Y/N, I’m sorry you’re still feeling this way. It hurts. I know it does…if there was a way that I could help, make you not feel this way I would do it in a heartbeat but I –“ “I wouldn’t be feeling this way if you hadn’t come in the first place. Why did you come Doctor? Why did you seek out my help?” “Because who else would I have gone to? Who else would have known what to do to help me get to the bottom of things?” “Well it wasn’t me! And Bo sacrificed himself so we could fly away, and now I don’t even know if he’s safe or not! I need to find him! I need to get back to him!” You cried while pacing the room, the Doctor doing nothing but watching you from your bed. “The Tardis will know where to go.” You claimed under your breath, and quickly bee-lined it to the control room. “Y/N? Y/N! Wait!” He called after you, soon putting his long legs into motion after you. “No, no, no, no…” The Doctor muttered as he traveled down the vast hallway watching your quick feet once again put him at a disadvantage.

As you finally got into the console room, you gracefully let your hand graze the center console with your hand giving the Tardis energy before pulling down a screen to see where the Tardis would need to go. As your melancholy hands punched in buttons and typed away, the Tardis gave back energy that filled you with something you couldn’t put your finger on. It was as if you were feeling someone feel sorry for you for something that they couldn’t explain. You were more confused than ever, but you tried to shake it as you continued to try and search for where you could find Bo if possible.

You heard the Doctor calling after you, telling you to stop, and to wait but you didn’t listen. By the time he had finally made it next to you, you had already found Bo. You stood staring at the screen with a blank expression that the Doctor couldn’t read. The Doctor looked over your shoulder and saw what he was afraid you would find; A cemetery. Neither of you uttered a word as you stared at the flickering screen, unsure exactly how to process what was being seen. “Y/N…I, there is an explanation, like I said the angels can transport people back in time. I can’t tell you how they do it, and sometimes I don’t even know why, but they do, and –“ “He’s dead.” You interrupted softly, unable to find he power to talk any louder than a whisper. “Y/N, I –“ “Bo is dead. Bo is dead and you knew didn’t you?” The Doctor immediately fell silent, something you hardly experienced with him. No usual explanations, ponderings, or words of comfort…just silence. A silence that gave you the heart wrenching answer he attempted to avoid with words. The quiet that engulfed the two of you, soon was filled with a small chortle that escaped your lips, turned giggle, turned laughter. Before you knew it you were hysterically laughing, the Doctor looking on you with concerned eyes.

Hot tears began to fall from your eyes, a stir of emotions churning through your body. You spun on your heel to face the Doctor, startling him with your erratic movement. “You killed him! You killed my best friend and that’s the worst thing you could have possibly done, and you knew that!” You bawled, looking at him from head to toe, unsure of the person that stood before you. “Y/N, no, that is not what happened! I would never hurt you like that, and you know that!” “Then how did this happen!? We were fine before you came around! Bo and I…we were perfect, and then the moment you come…you leave your destruction not only behind, but with you. You having me hear is just a reminder of the destruction you’ve done to me. To your…companion…” You calculated, turning away from him. “Y/N…if I had the chance to go back and never go to you I would do it. If I could put myself in his place so he would still be here with you I would do it! I would die for you…You know I didn’t have a choice –“ “What? You didn’t have a choice?” You interrupted, fury beginning to fill you fully.  The Doctor stared at you with disbelief, pain seeping from his aura.

He wanted desperately to go to you and hold you tight to him, but when he tried to walk to you, you took as many steps backing away from him. This man you thought you knew inside and out, the one that you had traveled and experienced so much with had betrayed you. He betrayed you so deeply, he didn’t even look like the Doctor to you anymore. This person…this alien, standing in front of you was a stranger you wanted nothing to do with, and never see again.

Amidst your manic state, you took a deep breath, feeling the air filling your lungs and allowing yourself run cold. Once again, you felt nothing but numbness, attempting to keep the pain at bay so you could think clearly. You looked the Doctor in the eye, feeling sober as you tried to find words, but nothing was coming out from your lips. “Y/N…I love you. I have always loved you, and I am so, so sorry this has happened, and I wish I could take it back but I can’t…You know I can’t. I want to die knowing how much this has hurt you…I love you…I’m so sorry…” He uttered pleadingly, tears breaking his own barriers and slowly slipping down his sharp cheeks. His words ripped your heart in two, and you found yourself struggling to breathe again. You wanted to believe him so badly, but you couldn’t. You never could believe that he loved you.

“No. No you don’t get to say that to me now. You do not have the right to say that to me.” You claimed coldly, attempting to hold back anymore tears from falling. “How dare you say that now. After all of this, after everything you did.” “What I did? You know I didn’t have a choice! I couldn’t -” “You always have a fucking choice! And you chose to let him die! In some selfish, vain attempt to get me back! I was supposed to go with Bo too. I was supposed to die with him!” You shouted in his face, ice running through your blood. He stood with a sense of fear in his face, and took a few steps back as you somehow found the strength to step forward. "You say everything happens for a reason? Bullshit. Fucking bullshit! The reason anything happens is because of you! The reason is you! Not some enigma the universe has within it, not because of a fucking butterfly flapping its puny wings. It’s because of you all of this has happened, is happening, and ever will happen. And what was supposed to happen, was Bo and I were supposed to be transported to some other time in some other place. We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to die together. And even if we weren’t, who do you think you are to try and change that?” Before the Doctor could begin to answer, you faced the screen showing the tombstone with Bo’s name carved into it. You gently touched the screen, wishing that somehow Bo would appear on the other side making everything okay. You closed your eyes, letting your head fall as you looked at the grated floor.

“Take me to where this is. Take me there now.” You demanded, still looking away from the Doctor. “Y/N, Y/N please just listen to me,” “I said, take me to where Bo is Doctor. Take me there now. I am not listening to you anymore; all I want is you to fly your bloody spaceship to where Bo is buried.” You articulated, stepping away from the screen and rounding your way to the entrance of the Tardis. You heard the Doctor’s heavy footsteps follow you before halting. You could feel the Doctor’s eyes bore into your back, but you kept yourself facing away, knowing that if you turned to see him it may be the end of it and you’d melt into a heap that the Doctor could scoop up and hope to mend. But you didn’t want to be mended by the Doctor. You didn’t need him to try and fix his mistake that he made with you. You needed to heal on your own. After what felt like an eternity of silence in the ominous control room, the Doctor’s footsteps made their way back to the console, and you heard his large hands beginning to flip switches and pull levers to send the Tardis into the time, space continuum.

The familiar wheezing ended as soon as it began, and you felt the reliable spaceship gently land back on the Earth, and just outside would be the solidifying reality that you were terrified to face. There were still no words shared between you and the Doctor. Just uneasy, broken breaths. You placed your hand onto the rugged, white wood grain letting your hand slide down to the handle. You gripped it so tightly your knuckles began to turn white. You knew this is what you wanted, what you needed, but a part of you was still poking you to stay. “Do not come find me…I can never be with you again.” “Please don’t do this…” The Doctor begged, not sure what else he could say to keep you. You shook your head slowly, not daring to turn to face him. Not even for one last time. “Goodbye Doctor. Goodbye forever.” You pledged. And before a full breath could fill you and give the Doctor another chance to try and convince you to stay, you rushed out of the Tardis doors for the last time. This last time, being utterly alone.

You felt the Tardis door closing rattle through your bones, and your eyes quickly scanned your surroundings. You were in a cemetery. The same one that was on the screen only moments before. The air that flowed through your nostrils was bitter with a chill, and the tears that had stained your face stung a little sharper than before. Your eyes soon fell on a simple stone in front of you, and you felt your whole body become frozen. You pushed yourself forward before crumpling to the ground in front of it, reading; “Robert Callum Murphy. November 26th, 1990 – April 5th,  2067. May my love smile always.” There were so many questions that filled your head, but all you could do was stare at the cold stone in front of you. You knew that the final note was for you, and you felt your heart being stabbed as you thought of him thinking of you. You were in the future. You didn’t know how you were going to make it, but that didn’t matter at the moment. If Bo could do it, so could you. Your fingers traced the cold stones letters and that was as close as you’d be to Bo for the rest of your life.

The Doctor was watching you through a small opening in the Tardis doors, seeing if you needed to come back in, come to him and let him take you away again. But you didn’t turn around, you didn’t come back to him. It was as if the Tardis, the adventures, and him were wiped from your memory as you took your first steps out of the doors. The Doctor closed the door, leaning against it as quietly sobbed before making his way to the console to begin the process of leaving. Leaving you was the hardest thing he has ever done. His hearts were broken, and crippled his soul as he thought of everything that had happened. “Well ol’ girl…let’s find our way shall we?” He uttered to the spaceship, gently petting the smooth metal of the console. He would never forget you, but he would never forgive himself for everything he had done.

You felt a gush of wind as the Tardis began to wheeze, you knew it would be disappearing and it would be over. The wheezing dissipated into nothing, and when you turned around, the giant blue box stood there no more. You turned back to the tombstone trying to picture what it might say if both of you had been together and lived your lives until the very end. “I’m so sorry Bo…I am so sorry…” You whispered, placing your hair back behind your ear. You leaned forward and forced a smile to come onto your face before placing a soft kiss onto the smooth surface. “I love you. Always.” You proclaimed knowing he would have been smiling under your lips if he could. You were going to be starting a new life here in this time and place, and you didn’t know what that all entailed. The one thing you were sure of were the stars would never look the same. They were never going to shine as bright as they had before, and they would never give you a thrill like they once gave you. Your stars were gone, but you weren’t going to give up on finding a way to shine again. You knew Bo would want you to shine and light your own path to happiness, and that was what you were going to do. You were going to find your own universe that filled you to your core, and you were going to do it one step at a time.

Group Acrostic Poem

Interesting but strange

Nothing beats boredom

Like light

Onto the horizon

City to sir

Knowing nothing

Distancing ourselves

Obsession on others,

What will become?

Notting Hill

------------

It all started 

No one to play with

Longing for normality

Ongoing obnoxious curiosity

Covered in blankets

Keith who?

Dancing away sorrows

Overwhelmingly scary

Why are you whimsical?

Never give up