#ALSO?? HOW THEY SHOWED HIM EXACTLY WHEN THE LYRICS GO ''WHATS WRONG WITH ME'. LIKE HELLO??????? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ferrstappen · 1 year

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loving him is red l Charles Leclerc Imagine

a/n: it’s been YEARS since I've written something but I have too many ideas and time so I'll give it a try again <3 any feedback is appreciated and than you for reading <3

also, of course the only song I could think of is Red by Taylor Swift (taylor’s version ofc)... I mean... how could I not?

genre: fluff.

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x female singer!reader.

summary: Charles’ girlfriend receives her first Grammy for Song of the Year, sadly enough the inspiration behind the song isn’t able to make it to the ceremony.

“This feels so wrong, I should be there to support you... You’re always here for races and shit” Charles said while watching her get ready on a fancy hotel room, meanwhile he was stuck in Maranello.

“Please don’t, it’s pre-season and all that, you know they needed you there today. Plus, I'll be home by tomorrow so we can celebrate... or you can console me since I'm probably losing anyway.” (Y/N) quietly said the last part while sipping some expensive sparkling wine her assistant brought to the room.

“You are not losing! Babe, how many times do I need to tell you that?” Charles sounded truly exasperated with his girlfriend, like he truly had told her many many times.

Truth be told, she never thought she would be considerate at all. Yes, her label had submitted her second album and the first single of the record, but they were almost obligated to do so, it was an unspoken rule in the music industry that you just had to do the entire “for your Grammy consideration” portfolio if you wanted to be taken seriously, but (Y/N) never really thought the song she first released from her album would be such a hit.

Honestly, they just were words her heart could think of whenever she saw Charles, because he truly was red... In the way he wore the color so proudly, from the way his car was always a shiny red even when he was driving it in the driest of the deserts, to the way he loved her so passionately, fearlessly and undoubtedly... He was red.

It never made sense to her that millions around the world would mix her lyrics on Ferrari t-shirts or that fans would wait for Charles on the stands with bright red lyrics of the song.

He loved it, by the way. He would flush a bright red whenever someone on the grid teased him about it, pretended he was shy about everyone knowing those words were for him, but his heart would sing a little every single time he listened or read the verses meant for him, just as he would make sure the camera would capture your cute face over FaceTime when he got a podium and you couldn’t be here, or how he made sure to tell you his best joke when you’d arrive to the paddock holding hands, loving the way the photographers captured your laugh and the glint in his eyes just by being the reason of your smile.

He had the superior relationship and he just knew it, and he made sure the rest of the word knew it as well.

“So, are you finally going to show me the dress?” Charles said while putting his headphones on to ignore the world outside of his driver’s room.

She cheekily smiled. “No, not really” She told him, earning a dissatisfied groan from him.

“Then when do you want me to see it? On TV like the rest of the world?” He argued, his accent getting thicker.

“Actually yes, that’s exactly what I was thinking.” (Y/N) was going to keep talking, but her assistant let her know the dress had just arrived and they needed her full attention.

“No, I heard that! You can mute me and I’ll just watch over here!” Charles pleaded, earning a heartily laugh from her girlfriend.

“I’m so sorry, bebé. I have to go, but you can watch me on TV though!”

Charles sighed, unable to hide his grin. “You know I'll be glued, I don’t care about the time or anything,” even through his noise-cancelling headphones he could hear a big commotion outside his room, meaning someone would come knocking on his door soon. He took a deep breath before focusing his eyes on his muse again. “I love you so much, chérie. I’m so proud of you and whatever happens tonight doesn’t change that. Please whatever you need I'll have my phone at all times, I’m capable of stoping the car in the middle of nowhere and you know it,” they both laughed. “I’m right there with you, I love you.”

She repeated the same words over and over again, feeling a bit numb as several people helped her fitting the red Maison Valentino dress to perfection. It was a whirlwind from there, the last glance she took of herself in the mirror was to make sure the small prancing horse shaped stud earrings, a nod to her man watching on tv.

As if writing a Grammy nominated song and almost an entire album about him wasn’t enough...

Her hands couldn’t help the tingling on the palm of her hands, her body knowing she was missing her other half; he always needed to fix his tie or style a stubborn strand of hair, and it always calmed her nerves to take care of him.

Back in Italy, Charles was anxiously watching the TV in front of him, some friends, including Carlos, were sitting around the living room, mindlessly chatting about some of the artists performing on the Grammys, what were the plans for the night, the next Real Madrid game...

But Charles eyes were trained on his girl smiling in front of the TV, feeling giddy as she gracefully walked down the carpet on her silky red dress, eyes shining and smile intoxicating.

The night flew by and Charles swore he could feel your hand squeezing his as they announced the category he had been waiting for. Harry Styles was on the stage with the envelope.

Everything went by so quickly, Charles didn’t notice his friends had shut up and were with their eyes trained on the TV. They all collectively gasped when the brit announced Red by (Y/N) as the song of the year.

Then it was just noise; from the TV, from people cheering on the theatre as she hid her face on the palm on her hands, to the living room where Charles had rose to his feet hugging everyone around him.

To anyone on the outside it would’ve seemed like their country had won the World Cup.

“God, I don’t know how to begin,” She shakily said while holding the gramophone. “I know I’m supposed to say that this is for my fans and my label and everyone who believed in me, and it is but...” She smiled to herself. “This is for you, the inspiration behind every word, every verse, every note. My incredible boyfriend who makes my heart sing and my life happy. They haven’t invented the words to tell you how much I love you,” She could feel tears building on the corner of her eyes, until she saw a stage producer informing she only had ten seconds left to wrap up her speech. “God, just ten seconds? Thank you so much to everyone, Char I love you with my entire heart, and thank you to everyone for this I’ll always have this moment in my heart, even after I’m gone I’m sure this is gonna be engraved. Thank you!”

The camera captured her glistening eyes as she smiled through the lens. Charles had unshed tears as his heart was beating loudly. Only seconds passed until his phone was vibrating with an incoming FaceTime call.

“So... Did you like the red dress?” She joked and he laughed through the unshed proud tears. He never knew he could feel so much pride and love for another person.

He chuckled. “I loved it, and I love you so much words cannot explain. Fuck, how come I wasn’t there?”

Their love was red.

#charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc fluff #charles leclerc au #charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc one shot #charles leclerc x you

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tomlinfonda · 11 months

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Inside me there are two wolves.

One who thinks that the writers are either stupid or cruel, and that the finale was so incomprehensibly bad that I shouldn't try to make sense of it. And that I should move on.

The other one is a subtext-and-metaphor-hungry beast that is manically obsessed with finding a reason, at least subtextually, for the incomprehensible mess they made out of these characters, especially Ted, in the finale.

Everyone is so right to point out that Ted in previous episodes would not have acted like this. I think the reason for the sudden regression in his character is Dottie.

That morning, full of smiles, in a good mood, Ted starts his walk to work.

He cheerfully strolls through the streets, saying hello to his neighbors, making chit-chat with them. He is (as Trent said it in 1x03) out there in the community. He is, more importantly, part of a community. Until suddenly-

"Mom?"

Dottie's arrival changes everything. Ted gets worse and worse throughout the episode. In the hotel room in Manchester, the football anthem "Blue Moon", with the haunting lyric "You saw me standing alone" plays over Ted's lonesome figure, in the shadows, depressed.

Juxtapose that with his first scene: the lively neighborhood and daylight.

At the end of the episode, his conversation with his (manipulative) mom hits him deep. He feels immense guilt over not being there for Henry. And he's been torn over this for the entire season.

His mom, and the way she acts, and the way she manipulates him, push him in the wrong direction: Kansas.

I think Ted has disassociated for most of the finale. But I also think that he is intentionally pushing people away. Maybe he thinks that this will make it easier for him to leave, maybe he thinks that this will make it easier for them to let him go. Maybe he just hates himself so much that he cannot accept their help. Maybe he feels guilty that they're showing him so much love, when he knows he will abandon them.

Either way, he quits. Something that he would not have done, even in season 1. So his regression goes farther than the first episode, deeper into his past. He goes from:

to having doubts on the plane about leaving without winning the whole fucking thing

but leaving anyway.

And this is one of the most curious things to me. Rebecca offers to bring Henry to him in England by helping relocate Michelle:

And yet, he refuses. So, sure, this is about being there for his son. But given the choice between his son with his beloved community, and his son without his beloved community, he chooses the latter.

I've heard the argument that we don't know for sure that Ted doesn't have a support system in Kansas. But from a narrative perspective, it's important that we haven't been shown that hypothetical support system at all. And given that he actually returns to Kansas without the one person who we know supported him before coming to England, it comes across as a terribly isolating situation.

So why would Ted choose to part from his found family, even though bringing his son into that family would be an option? My theory is that he just really fucking hates himself. I think he wants to punish himself, maybe for being away from Henry for so long, maybe for something else. I don't think he believes that he deserves love or even credit for how he helped the club.

I mean, Rebecca and Trent offer him exactly that this episode: credit for what the did for the club.

And he rejects them both, choosing instead to remove himself from their lives, to erase himself from the narrative.

I think he's lower mentally than we've seen him for a while.

I think he's in his dark forest.

So the plane departs and then lands. And Ted is back in Kansas, driven through the prosaic, picket-fenced, isolating, depressing American suburbs to the house where Henry and the ex-wife who doesn't love him are waiting for him.

And the light might be golden, and he might be reunited with his son. But as we close in on the last shot of the show, you can see his smile try to fight the sadness in his eyes and you know.

He's not happy.

#ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers

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hezuart · 5 months

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Thoughts on the “Look my Way” music video? For context if you don’t know, this is a fan song that’s just animated. Paranoid DJ had written this song awhile back, though Viv did take out some lyrics and switch them up a bit. What I personally don’t like is that there’s a line in the original where Stolas mentions the “impish play thing” line, as well as acknowledges that Octavia is hurting, and Viv cut that out. The song itself also doesn’t help for the show narratively really regarding the ship of Stolitz.

OMYGOD Okay so much to talk about here. It's a BEAUTIFUL song, amazing song, and I even loved the original of it. The animation for this AMV is breathtaking, everyone did an AMAZING job on it. This is what Helluva Boss songs should sound like. I was annoyed with that one scene, albeit very pretty where Stolas and Blitz have a string attached to the pinky finger, which is an indication of soulmates. This bothers me because a soulmate is either A. someone you have been reincarnated with over the years to love or B. Someone you click with- someone who completes you. You meet in every lifetime or they are the perfect person for you. This does not fit Stolas X Blitz AT ALL. They are not perfect for each other, they are complete opposites and the entire appeal and beauty of their relationship was the fact that they were fuckbuddies! They weren't even friends! They were tied up in manipulations, classism, and power imbalances. Their relationship required a lot of growth, a lot of work, and a LOT of learning on what love actually was, how to maintain it, and how to right their wrongs like-They needed to actively explore and learn what love means. They needed to find a real connection that would actually give them chemistry. Being soulmates is a complete cop-out. (Soulmates don't rely on reincarnation, but some do- and reincarnation is not a thing for demons???) You could say I'm overthinking it and being nitpicky with this visual, but this is exactly what it is! That is a soulmate string!!! He even says "I'll grant you this mercy, this bind on our souls-" LIKE BRUH wHAT !!! I'm so mad about what their relationship has become. They were toxic but not doomed. Now they're nothing Anyway..... still very beautiful and pretty

youtube

I have friends who actually know this guy and work closely with him. Apparently, Viv was the one who asked to change the lyrics of the song because it didn't "fit her story"???????? The lyrics changed: OG: "Come now, my little impish plaything, we both made our choice" Viv: "But dearest, I know better now I must give you this choice" It makes sense why she would want this changed since this song is about Stolas actually finally being in love. But it's still very sus because we still have not addressed Stolas's classism problem that seems to fluctuate episode to episode. OG: "Is this how she'd feel? Abandoned, all alone and left to fend For herself, for some semblance of happiness that doesn't have to end?" Viv: "Is this what you feel? Scorned by a realm that cannot comprehend, What you are, so I'll grant you this mercy this bind- on our souls needs to end" Again I can understand this change because we are going off-topic with Octavia here. However, I do find these changes very suspicious, especially if she wanted the song to better "fit her story". Because these circumstances are things that I have accused Viv of retconning before. Where Stolas wasn't actually in love with Blitz from the start and only saw him as a shiny toy, an "impish little plaything". Where Stolas was actually shady in cheating on his wife and not being there for his daughter nor really understanding her. "Home doesn't feel like home anymore. You ruined it." I can understand in the context of the song why these lines would be removed, but in the context of the overall story, I'm very suspicious of it, because those are very important contexts that people try to insist are "just people's headcanons" when they literally aren't. This could be considered active proof of Vivziepop retconning her story, but I will go with the latter and stick to my logical explanations for why the lyrics were changed- gonna try to have some faith here.

~~~~

Apparently, Cherri and Angel's AMV Addict was also a fan song. In THAT video, this is the description. Fully acknowledging it was a fan song, and giving clear credit to the person who made the song.

THIS. IS THE DESCRIPTION FOR "JUST LOOK MY WAY"

NO acknowledging this is a fan-made song. NO credit for Paranoid DJ. No thank you, no praise for the original, no links to the original song- He is at least in the credits, but not the description! This is insanely shady! I don't know if this was just a mistake or not, but this is really uncool. Again, he's at least in the ending credits, but... the description would make it more obvious. Vivziepop has a history of not crediting people for their work- I don't know if she was the one who made this mistake nor not.... this is not the worst it could have been, but at the very least whoever runs the youtube should fix the description out of respect.

#vivziepop critical #helluva boss critical #ask #long post #text post #just look my way

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romanarose · 5 months

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Protected

Jake Lockley x fem!reader

Masterlist : Join my taglist!

Summary: Jake is trying to relax at a bar when a woman won't leave him alone. Confused as to what's happening, Jake isn't sure how to react. Men don't hit women, right?

Warnings: Depiction of sexual assault (over the clothes gentile touching), reader gets aggressive with other women. Jake has old fashioned, patriarchal notions of paying for women's drink, that he shouldn't assert his boundaries, that he can't be assaulted because he's a man and she's a woman, blaming himself. Men have a right to protect themselves from violence of any sort with proportional means. Protect men. Reader mentions trauma, illuding to rape. Reader isn't exactly "safe" with going out, but neither am I know I'm "supposed to" go with friends, no walk off with strangers etc. but I won't live my life afraid. My assaults have been from people I was supposed to trust, every single time. Strangers don't scare me.

Immersabily: Fem reader. Reader mentions past sexual trauma. reader mentions working with children. At one point, Jake mentions reader being shorter than a woman taller than Jake so??? IDK if that's anything lol. Could mean anything IG.

*************

Jake Lockley respected women. Jake Lockley didn’t hurt women. Jake Lockley wasn’t rude to women.

That made his current position complicated.

He’d just come to this bar to drink for a bit, to get away from his alters for a bit. He loved them and he loved the new relationship with Steven and Marc, but he needed peace and alone time. Well, not totally alone. When he was totally alone, Khonshu liked to talk to him like they were friends or something, that’s not what he wanted, so Jake went to a karaoke bar.

He liked it, honestly. It was fun seeing people’s personalities come out in the songs they sang, he liked watching people get more and more drunk, strangers becoming friends, people singing way out of their key as the night went on. Some people hated watching others do karaoke but Jake thought it was fun. It was people’s truest selves. He liked to watch the show, drink a little but also keep an eye on things. No one was getting roofied or assaulted on his watch.

As people got drunker, a very unsteady woman got on stage (barely) and tried to rap to Without Me by Eminem. It did not go well. It wasn’t terrible, she knew th lyrics down pat but 1. She could not rap for the life of her 2. She was very giggly and kept laughing. The smiling DJ kept taking the second mic and filling in for her while she laughed. It was adorable.

That was his first impression of you.

The night went on and he noticed you weren’t with friends. A bold move, going out alone. You were brave. He liked that. He tried to keep a special eye on you but it was proving difficult and you were beginning to stress him out. You’d leave drinks with random people asking the girls to watch it. How did you know they could be trusted? He followed you outside when you stumbled off with people you were talking too, only to find you smoking in an alley. What the hell is wrong with you? You were going to get yourself killed. Right now, you were his main focus.

Until you left to use the bathroom, leaving your drink on a table and Jake attempted to walk toward it to make sure no one spiked it when another women intercepted him. “Hi handsome, what’s your name?” She smiled at him, looking down a bit. She was tall. Jake didn’t mind his women taller than him; he liked his women however they came, but she seemed to be positioning herself to intentionally intimidate him.

“Jake.” He needed to get over to watch your drink, but when he tried to step to the side, she stepped along with him and blocked his path. It was when she put a hand on his chest he grew uncomfortable.

“My name’s Cas, why don’t we head to the bar and you buy me a drink?”

Jake was about to object. He needed to get to you, but he didn’t have much of a choice when she grabbed his tie and pulled him. She ordered two vodka cranberries. Jake didn’t like vodka. Why was he paying? That’s what he did, right? He was supposed to pay. He was supposed to entertain beautiful women -and she was beautiful for sure.

He wasn’t entirely sure how she got him in this position, but he wasn’t doing much to fight it. He was backed into corner and the woman was kissing him. He didn’t like it. Jake’s stress was compounded by the anxiety that he couldn’t see your drink, he couldn’t see you. Did something happen? Did someone spike the drink because Jake wasn’t watching? He wasn’t watching because he was horny?

He didn’t want to kiss her, but when she ground her body against his, the natural reaction was to get hard. He fought it, fought it, fought it but his will power was no match for biology. Jake felt like fucking shit. His body was stiff, he wasn’t kissing back, he kept trying to move away but his efforts were weak. She was strong, and it wasn’t like he could push her or hit her. Only weak men hit women, right?

When he turned, he locked eyes with you. Little did he know, you had been watching much of the scene play out. It wasn’t entirely clear what was happening, as the crowd of karaoke fridays kept blocking your view, but you’d grown concerned when you saw him in a corner and went to investigate. One of the girl’s you’d met and had been chatting with told you not to worry about it, that the man could handle himself… but after all you’d been through, you never wanted someone to go through that.

Then you see it. The woman’s hand went to cup his crotch, and the panic on the man’s face that had locked eyes with yours was clear. He tried to gently nudge her away, to squirm out of her grasp but she didn’t move. So you did.

The violation on his body got him moving a bit, disgust at himself for letting them happen. Not because it was his boundaries, his body, his autonomy, but because the body was Marc and Steven’s, and he was letting someone touch Marc and Steven. He wasn’t protecting them, he was failing them, but he still couldn’t manage to get her off him without hurting her.

“I don’t-” He tried to protest, but she shushed him.

“Yes, you do.”

Did he?

Before he had time to think more, Cas was ripped off of him, and another body was placed in between.

You stared the woman down, glaring daggers into her eyes; although shorter than her, you show no fear. All night, you’ve shown no fear.

“What the hell is wrong with you!” You shout at her.

“Me?” The woman gahawfs. “You’re interrupting a perfectly good-”

“He’s clearly uncomfortable!”

“He’s a big boy, he can handle himself.”

“Well he doesn’t have to, because I’m handling it, now get the fuck out of here!”

Cas looks at Jake, glaring at him and flipping him off before walking away. Jake wasn’t entirely sure what he did, but whatever it was, it was wrong.

Once she left, you turn to the man again. He looks in shock. “Can we step outside?”

Silent, Jake nods and you take him hand, carefully guiding him to the alley where you pull up two crates for you both to sit on. Both his hands are in yours now.

“I need you to breathe with me, okay, in your nose, out your mouth.” Your voice calms him. It’s only then that he realized he wasn’t calm. Jake was having a panic attack. You continued instruction. “I’m going to squeeze our hands as I breath in, but if you need to squeeze at any time, you can. Hard as you need to, you won’t hurt me.”

You did just as you said. As you breathed in, You gently squeezed his hands, letting go as you breathed out. It helped him keep in time when the panic made blood rush to his ears. He couldn't hear you, but he could feel you. Jake certainly wasn’t going to squeeze as hard as he could -his strength could actually hurt you, despite what you said- but he did give a few good squeezes and although his were random and erratic, yours remained steady. Jake latched onto that steadiness, beginning to squeeze in time with you until he was calm.

After a few moments of silence, Jake spoke. “Where’d you learn that?” He didn’t fully look at you, but you could hear the smile in your voice.

“I work with preschoolers. It’s a great way to teach them to manage their emotions…” You pause a little before adding. “Well, I guess I learned it from myself. Breathing exercises were the only way to calm myself down for a while.”

With that, Jake locked eyes with you. “You’ve had… you’ve felt like that before?”

You nod. “Yeah. Especially when random people touch me. What happened to you, has happened to me, so touch can be very triggering.”

That caught his attention. Jake was no stranger to rape victims; he’d killed plenty rapists in his day… but this still mad him feel pity. You were kind, and it made him sad to think that you’d felt like he did now.

“Someone did that to you?”

“Multiple people.” You confirm. “Sometimes it ended at a bar or a party, sometimes it ended… much worse.”

Jake felt anger in his confusing mix of emotions. He wanted to track down every single person who did that to you and end them, violently. “Is that why you…”

“Stepped in? Kinda. I’d hate for anyone to feel like I did.” Your smile was kind and warm. “But I’ve always been like that. A little crazy.” Crazy is how you’d put it.

Jake nodded, only then realizing he was still holding your hand. “Sorry.”

“That’s okay.” You reassure him before finally telling him your name.

“Jake”

“Well Jake, I assume after all that you don’t want to go inside. Can I walk you home?”

Absolutely insane, you were just trusting him like this… but he really didn’t want to be alone right now. “I drove. I only had one drink… if you’d like I can drive you home?”

You smiled. “I’d like that. What’s your last name?”

“Lockley.”

“Okay, Lockley. Stay here.”

You went inside, coming out and handing him his ID.

Now Jake was confused. “I- what?”

“Your tab.” You explained. “I paid it.”

Jake had never had a woman pay for his drink before. The only person he ever let get away with it was Matty, and that was on a good day.

“But-... I can pay my own tab?” He tried to protest, as if it wasn’t already paid.

“I’m sure you can.” Gathering up his hands in yours again, you pull him to his feet. “It’s just one drink, no big deal. I didn’t want you to have to see her again.”

Having a woman pay for his drink should make him embarrassed. A woman assaulting him should make him feel embarrassed. But you? You calmed all that. A drink wasn’t a big deal to you, but most importantly, you validated his feelings. You didn’t make him feel weak for feeling how he did.

It was okay to be human with you.

You protected him, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life returning the favor.

***********************

I just wanna protect Jakey and make him feel saaaaaaaafe.

he deserves it.

@missdictatorme @ahookedheroespureheart @whatthefishh @runa-falls @del-ightfulling @eyelessfaces @fandxmslxt69 @pikapuff-316 @mikaelak @k-ra @ivystoryweaver @campingwiththecharmings @littlenosoul @stevenandmarcslove @steven-grants-world @boysddontcry @harriedandharassed @lokisv7lkrie @scarletthefierce

#jake lockley #jake lockley x reader #moon knight #moon knight fanfiction #jake lockley x you #comfort #hurt comfort #jake lockley hurt comfort #protective Jake Lockley #soft jake lockley

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fob4ever · 1 year

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pete on the tuna for toast podcast 3.2.23

link

he tries to play golf once a week.

pete and the host talk about golf for a bit (they lost me here)

talks about the album title: "the parentheses being around the "for"- there is a little bit of "so much stardust"- i think about it in the way like- and it's like the dumbest thing, but everybody is stardust- everyone's these different molecules and carbon, former stars, and i think about that when i think about how different everybody on the planet is. we're all kind of the same still. and there's some relief in that."

pete: "love from the other side going number one after 17 years of our first appearance on the chart is like, the most fall out boy way to do it of all time. couldn't have done it way more than the way we did do it."

pete mostly writes lyrics on paper and on the notes app. sometimes if he's driving he'll have whoever's the passenger write it down for him. he doesn't do voice notes because he doesn't "think in those terms".

when they were writing smfsd, they had friends telling them that they should just release swgd 2.0, that it was the perfect time for it, but pete thought that was wrong and that it was "exactly not the time for it". he didn't want to do a retread, and he feels that when artists try to recapture the early magic it's just not possible. he thinks about when fob/mcr/patd first got big, green day felt like the position fob is in now, how GD had been a band for 20 years and they made a record that pete felt was adjacent to what they were doing & reminded people why green day was so big & why they loved them, and thats what they were channelling during the writing of lftos/smfsd- how it can be adjacent to all the stuff that's happening, but it shouldnt be a retread and it shouldnt be chasing what is happening right now

pete's been watching the last of us :)

"with srar and mania, we were just surviving! there was a pop culture landscape not super friendly to bands [...] and now this is a chance where everything's cyclical, and we have a chance to lean in to being the band we were in a futuristic way."

talks about the early days of fob and how their dreams were always "one size too big" and how pete always has that and it "drives patrick a little crazy" but they "fuel each other in that regard"

interviewer: "is it healthy to still have that state of mind [despite fob's achievements and success]?" pete: "hmmm... what would my therapist say..........." girl..

pete's been trying to enjoy the journey more: "[the band] has been hanging out way more than we [used to], we've been going out to dinner, exploring cities together and i think it helped this record."

patrick doesnt live in LA anymore!

"this is the first record in a while that we were in the same room together, we hashed things out, we passed notebooks back and forth. [...] we're a band where we get into it with each other but we're also siloed off from each other, this was the first time in a while where there was no silos"

"any feelings of doing a throwback is a little stomach-churning for me" so true pete

pete retells the panic origin story of ryan making fun of fob lol

talks about taking panic under their wing and how there were only a couple of bands that took fob under their wing when they first started like less than jake and punchline, and how he always liked the spirit of that.. talks about the communal spirit & culture surrounding hiphop music: "why couldnt we do that?"

"to me, [decaydance] was like seinfeld, like, you never knew who was going to show up at the apartment on seinfeld- they all lived in the same building... and i always thought 'why couldn't there be a record label like that?'" that tweet thats like. why gabe saporta da bus driver 😭

#post the hangout pics.. NOW #sorry my recaps are so long! as much as possible i try not to paraphrase what they say/try to keep it as true to their og words as possible #recap

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ghostflowerhotpotch · 9 months

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So I'll just tell myself all of the things I can't say to you yet (Fic)

Third Chapter here!

Pairing: Ghostflower (Miles x Gwen.)

Chapter: 4/4.

Summary: The plan was easy, get her dad out of the apartment, and made sure Miles didn't see her embarrassing song lyrics about him, nor the rest of things she keeps from him; how wrong could this go?

(What she didn't think, is that sometimes things can go wrong in the best way possible.)

Gwen was mad at herself for still not being able to find a way to get her dad out of the house.

Funnily enough, is not something she ever really had to worry about before the "incident" happened. Despite trying to keep an entire identity a secret, she never had trouble ensuring to do it when her dad wasn't looking or needing to be too careful when coming home; since he was a police officer he did a lot of night shifts, all of them becoming more prominent when he became a Captain.

Is funny how she remembers being bitter about it when she was younger, resenting the number of times her dad called May to look after her when he needed to leave out of nowhere because of work. She becoming grateful about it when she became spider-woman was a surprise, and most of all to miss it now.

"It doesn't help needing to hide a friend was something I definitely never had to deal with," She thought bitterly, as her dad inspected the door she stupidly had tried to use as an excuse.

Her first idea has been to ask if he was going anywhere or if he needed to buy anything; with his new job as a coach he has started to look at places and prices to see what he could ask the university to get and what could be better than what they have; this has somehow reminded him that Gwen asked about getting oil because her squeaking door.

As he inspected the door, Gwen decided to hope he was busy enough to realize Gwen was looking around clearly trying to find something.

That wasn't exactly distressing; knowing how Hobie's watches worked she knew he didn't hop to another dimension because the spectacle those do would have to show up even with a wall in between. The guy was also able to become invisible, though she wasn't sure if he was going to do that with the wounds he had, she hoped he didn't. The possibility of him jumping out of the window is always high with any spidey-person in general.

But she didn't hear the window, which she should have even if she was focused on her dad. Her Spider-sense also was telling her there was a spider-person close, even if it couldn't indicate exactly where; so he wasn't far. There was only one door in her room too, the place wasn't also insanely big; the space below her bed was so small only a cat could get down there, so really the only other place she could think of-

"No," Her eyes fly to the closet, feeling her heart stops as she considers the possibility, "Please tell me he isn't there."

Because she didn't think of him opening the damn closet, she didn't try to cover or hide anything, just left it on the floor of the closet. There is no way he wouldn't see it, goddammit considering they both have excellent night vision for all she knows she may be reading some of her half-made lyrics.

Walking slowly, keeping in mind her dad was still looking at the hinges (he liked to act like he knew what he was doing even with things he had no clue of,) until she was finally in front of the closet. Trying to be casual, she gave one tap to the door,

Ruffled sounds came from the closet, as if someone was fighting her jackets and, pages? (Oh no,) the doors opened a little, as the furniture itself was startled. She thought she saw something fly from the closet as if its contents were trying to go away, and she put her hands to close it shut without a second thought (too much time hiding secrets give you those habits.)

"Gwen?"

She turns to her dad, who has stopped mumbling to himself about AW-04 or something else, and was looking at her mildly concerned and confused.

Trying to play dumb, she said "Oh, I may need to organize my closet better?" She tries to say, probably sounding less convincing than she could.

Because freaking Miles was in her closet, probably looking at her embarrassing crush shit!

Saying Gwen was screaming inside would be an understatement, and yet below the gaze of her father, she just smiles awkwardly and tries to pretend she is not about to lose it.

As she was trying to process that, she didn't look too much into what has escaped from it; yet the fact seemed to have caught the attention of her father. As he walked towards her, she casually positions herself between the closet and him, hoping he wouldn't look there.

Just when Gwen realizes her dad was concentrating on what fell on the floor, the man is kneeling to pick up the first picture of her and Miles, the same one she treasured for months before having new ones.

Her dad arches an eyebrow as he gets up with the Polaroid in hand, and says "You know? With how much you treasure this thing, I would think you would put more effort into safekeeping in a better place."

"Oh this has to be a joke," She thought to herself, imagining what Miles would think if he had the chance to see this pic and realize what her dad means, and the answer was probably more likely than she wanted it to be.

"Treasure seems kind of a strong word, don't you think?" She replied, awkwardly laughing.

Yes, she knows she is doomed, she has a notebook full of his name with way too corny lyrics, pictures, and a plushie; she couldn't look more desperate than that. Miles already had seen enough, he didn't need to hear about how much that photo meant to her.

Sadly, the universe seemed to hate her because her dad refused to accept the dismissal.

"Are you serious?" He says baffled, the rumble of his laughter in the back of his voice "Gwen, you disappeared for months, and the only reason you set foot on this place, aside from not having a way out of this dimension; was to get this picture. You literally ignored my presence, took the Polaroid, and try to leave before I could wake up. If of everything out of this house, this was your primary concern, doesn't that have to mean something?"

"Wow dad, I could almost be impressed you caught all of this, in any other moment EXCEPT THIS." She thought to herself, wanting nothing more than to take a pillow and scream.

The notebook wasn't enough, the pictures weren't enough, and the plushie wasn't enough. No, her dad needed to give a discourse about how much of a goner she was.

Was this how Miles felt when she was in front of his parents? Somehow, she felt she had it worse because at least his mom didn't mention him being so corny as to keep a picture around almost like a charm.

As her dad give her the polaroid (with her keeping it close to her chest as a reflex; honestly most of the time she was very mindful with the photo.) He moved away quickly enough, as she let her head fall down defeated and tired.

"Mmm, I'm kind of hungry, what do you think of getting chinese?"

"NOW is that you find an excuse to leave?" Gwen thought exasperated.

Taking a deep breath to remember she would rather not let her dad see her crush hiding in the closet with probably just half of his clothes; Gwen keeps her composure enough to say "Sure! Sounds good, Do you think you could go and order there directly? You know, less time for the food to get colder."

Knowing exactly what place her dad would go, since they have menus of some of their favourite take-out places; she tried to think of something that could take some extra time since she still wasn't sure if Miles was feeling okay enough to go to his dimension yet, or perhaps crash someone's else.

She may or may not have been reading it from beginning to end just to avoid needing to talk to Miles about, this, but who could say?

Once she decided on her food (with a comment from her dad for taking too long,) she stood at the entrance of the apartment as her dad closed the door behind him, and just on cue, she overheard her closet being opened.

Letting her head go against the door, she thought "Ground swallow me up."

As her indeed, annoying bedroom door squeaked open, she heard Miles say "For the record, my middle name is Gonzalo."

"Great, he read at least one of the songs, wonderful."

As she turned around, she saw Miles leaning on the door frame on his side; he had the notebook in his hands, and he smirked mischievously at her; despite still missing his top and having scratches and bandages.

Sighing, she decides she should get over it, "Look, I know this looks bad-"

"Bad?" He says, a bit shocked, the corners of his lips still up as he moves away from the door and walks to her "Hey, I can't say much, you saw all of those drawings I did-"

"That's different." She scoffed, crossing her arms as she looked to the side.

"Yeah? Why is that?"

"At least you are over me now," She said, sounding more bitter than she would have liked to be.

It was dumb- this was her fault, she pushed him away, and she was the one who lied to him to the point he needed to he ask for space. She couldn't seriously get worked up about this.

"Beg your pardon?"

Okay, Gwen didn't really want to look Miles, not wanting to make things worse for herself. However the tone of voice he used caught her attention.

When she looked back at him, just a few feet away from her with the notebook closed; he was looking at her like he needed to make sure his ears were actually working.

Blinking, she bites the bullet "You asked me to give you a few months to be away so you could, process everything? And then I was just one of the spidey-gang to you? What I am missing here?"

Almost in slow-motion, his eyes opened wildly, before running a hand through his hair "So Margo and Hobie weren't exaggerating with me acting differently- I know I was able to tone it down a lot but I didn't think I was playing it off that well."

"Playing it off- Wait, so you mean-"

"I have feelings for you?" The words came almost like a laugh out of Miles, shaking his head "Sorry, is just- after acting like a lovesick puppy around you, and what you told me when we saw each other again, and the after; I thought it would have better to try to move on, not that I ever did. My love for you never went away."

My love for you never went away.

Something about those words made her heart flutter in excitement; she wanted to bask in that feeling, to think of what those words meant.

But she was good at keeping track of the unspoken things in a conversation, as well as keeping an eye on things that would make her miserable.

"Wait, what did I say to you?"

"The bit with Gwen and Spider-man not working out? I thought you well, preferred not to risk it; that was the last time we hinted at the topic."

As the memory of her time in the organization, her old loyalties, and what she did, she felt as if a bucket of cold water dropped on top of her, drowning the previous happiness she was feeling moments ago. With her mouth suddenly feeling dry, she didn't think of a response before Miles was talking again.

"I didn't think you would feel like this- Well, or friends try to tell me about it, if only to push me to move things forward; I thought you just wanted to be friends."

"How could you think that, as if I'm not constantly doing dumb shit because of the exact opposite?" She thought to herself.

Except, she knew exactly why.

Feeling more bitter by the second, she let out a laugh, as her hands formed into first. She was doing it again.

She was doing it all fucking again, wasn't it?

"Gwen?"

"Is just stupid," She says angrily, not bothering to clarify if it was the situation, or her; truth being told, it was both. "I told you that, because I thought it was part of one of the canon events."

"Oh."

"Yeah, those;" She agreed; one of the things they ended up doing while trying to sort the mess after the HQ fiasco, was to realize that canon events weren't really a thing. It was a bunch of complicated crap that she couldn't dwell on right now, but she couldn't believe she had fallen for it too; and had stood aside when Miles has needed her. "But honestly? I mean, I am almost not surprised that I'm doing it again."

"Wait, do what?"

Gwen didn't face Miles, she couldn't take it; not when she was this angry, not when she felt the tears try to build in her eyes as she felt the impulse to throw something. "What I always do, mess things up!

"Miles, hear yourself out," She said, sounding almost maniacally out of the sheer desperation she was feeling "You thought this, for a stupid comment I said. You forced yourself to act differently around me because you thought I was feeling uncomfortable.

"And now look at this!" Turning around, she pointed at the door where her dad had left "I needed to hide you out, I was trying to find an excuse for my dad to leave; because somehow I couldn't find a way of saying 'Hey dad! My friend got injured on a mission! Do you mind if I help patch him up?' No, I try to make a circus because I didn't want him or you to know about this.

"And that's just the tip of the iceberg, that isn't even talking about the messed up things I did! Do you want to know, how many nights I was awake for months, thinking if I had perhaps, just perhaps told my dad about my identity at the right moment, could I have talked about it with him accepting me, instead of him trying to point a gun at me because I waited to the last possible second?

"Want to know what happened to Peter, to my best friend?" Her voice broke at his name, because her heart knew when she meant B and when she meant him, "He tried to become the lizard trying to be like me Miles, because I prioritized being Spider-woman instead of a good friend; and want to know the worst part of it?" She let the words linger, if it was for Miles benefit, or her own cowardice, well, who was to say? "He knew it was me, he said my name, and he tried to take my mask off, to tell me everything was going to be okay."

Gwen hated the feeling of hot tears coming down her cheeks, how she didn't want to try to open her eyes knowing she would just cry so much she would not see straight. The words continue coming out without her permission, the desperate cry she tried to keep hidden for so long was finally coming out, and would do it regardless if she wanted or not.

"I didn't let him," she admitted, ashamed "When he said my name, I try to play dumb, I took his hand away from my mask. My best friend was dying in front of me, and to the last bitter end, I try to keep him at bay, to keep him away from my secret identity. And the last time I saw him alive I was using a mask that only let me see so much, and he couldn't see my face as he wanted. I denied my best friend his dying wish."

It was so fucked up, she was just so messed up.

"I just, keep doing this," She shakes her head, not believing to which degree she would go with this "I didn't say anything to you, to the point I was driving you away. I pretended I could keep my feelings at bay by writing half-baked songs and keeping anything that reminded me of you; but all I did was to do more stupid things trying to hide it. It doesn't matter how many times this keeps happening, I just don't seem to learn my lesson.

"Is not fair," She says as if it doesn't sound childish, the pleas of a girl who is acting as if the reason for her suffering wasn't her own fault, "Is not fair to my dad that even when he is trying, I can't seem to want to bridge the gap. It wasn't fair to Peter that I pushed him away until the bitter end. And is not fair that you need to try to bend backwards, all because I can't seem to open up, because I prefer to write notes rather than tell you to your face that I love you!"

"I'm not-" She couldn't finish the sentence, before more tears came out of her, as she finally couldn't hold it anymore.

God, why she was like this? She just, couldn't.

It didn't matter if it was her dad, her best friend, or her crush- it all happened the same way. She would get afraid, keep something she shouldn't keep, and it would explode in her face. It didn't even need to be someone close to her, what did she do before? Lying to Jessica about the mission so she could go to Earth-1610? Try to keep her whereabouts away from Miguel?

Gwen could be spiderwoman, but there was one part of her she hated with all her being, the one she couldn't seem to shake. Because deep down, she knew she was a coward.

And she didn't deserve the people in her life.

She didn't deserve a father who as flawed as he was, was trying to do the right for her as she keep lies on top of lies. Her friends didn't deserve someone who keep everyone at bay, to the point she tend to pout her feelings more on lyrics than actually speaking about it.

And Miles deserved better than a girl who could only say I love you after admitting it would be better for everyone in her life to leave her. Yet all she could do now was this, cry pathetically after everything she had tried to keep down has refused to disappear.

It was truly a shame how Gwen view herself, as Miles was seeing this in a completely different light.

The smile has been wiped from his face, as he had put the notebook on the table; he felt his own mouth go dry as he watched the girl he loved sobbing for the weight of her own guilt.

Miles knew she was reserved; heck, Margo and Hobie had commented on it, being the reason why they had told him to be the one to do the first step. They didn't think Gwen would try it.

But he doubted they understood to which degree this has affected her.

"Is not fair," He has agreed with her on something, and that it wasn't fair to her. It wasn't fair to carry all of this on your shoulders, to keep quiet about so much. Looking at Gwen, he couldn't help but feel his own heart break "She looks so small."

Gwen was someone he has always admired; from her fighting skills to her quick thinking, she has seemed like the most put-together on their original rag-tag team of Spideys when all of this started for him. Despite being his age, she stood her ground, has been able to hide and adapt better than Peter B and the others; and seemed always in control.

Right now she was hunching, her body facing the side as she herself was ashamed of her feelings and was trying to hide it from Miles, her hands covering her face. She wasn't the badass girl that has hastily told him he didn't get to like his haircut. She was so much more than that.

He wouldn't call her weak, definitely not for this; not for being human. But it reminded him that below the calm, collected mask, was a real person underneath.

As she cried her heart out, she seemed like a normal girl, a stressed-out teenage girl. Because at the end of the day, everyone has their breaking points; Miles just wished he could have been able to do something about it before.

"I may not be able to do something before, but I can for now," thought to himself, as he walked up to her.

While he tenderly touched her shoulder, she went rigid; as if she hasn't expected or heard him come; spiders tended to be that silent.

"Hey," He greeted softly, even if Gwen still had her face covered. Gently, his hand hovered on top of one of hers, fingertips touching softly so as to not impose "Can I?"

Can I see your face? Can I wipe your tears? Can I be the one you lend on?

He wasn't sure what to ask, letting the question open for all the things he wanted to say, to do for her; it was about time that he did so without fear.

She seemed frozen, yet slowly, she moved her hands away. Her eyes were red and puffy, her button nose was also a tone pink he couldn't help but think it was cute, traces of tears were on her cheeks, and more were building on her eyes; however she was still quiet, as if she was containing herself.

He didn't want her to do that ever again.

"Is okay," He told her kindly, as his hand fell on her cheek, cleaning the tears; all moving slowly, giving her the chance to reject it or move away if she needed; she didn't. "Is okay if you are still sad too."

"What are you doing?" She said instead, obtuse.

"Being here for you," He answered without missing a beat, casually wiping away the tears from her other eye, while his other hand still rested on her cheek, "As I wanted to do for a long time."

"Is my-"

"No," he refutes still, not letting her finish the sentence "It doesn't matter anymore."

"It doesn't- Miles, look at this, look at yourself, it keeps happening, I keep doing this." She said with bile, as if she couldn't stand herself at this moment; her gaze going to the side as if even while so close she refused to see him out of anger, "None of you deserve this, I don't deserve-"

"No," he repeats again, adamant.

Scoffing, Gwen says "Miles, cutting me off doesn't change reality."

"It does because it isn't real," he affirms confidently, or perhaps stubbornly; "Not for me, I refuse to accept it."

"You cannot do that."

"You were about to say you don't deserve me?" He pointed out, with her going quiet "To say you don't deserve your dad, or Peter, or the gang? It doesn't matter."

"How can you say that?"

"Because none of us were ever here because we thought we 'deserved' you," He told her straight to the point, his voice firm, before dropping softly "Is because we love you."

She went quiet, looking at the ground but not fighting him anymore.

"Gwen, I don't know who forgot to tell you this, but we aren't here for you because we think we deserve someone like you in our life, we do it because we like being around you, for who you are." He said as he moved a strand of hair away, seeing his face better as she was lifting her head and finally, looking at him. Despite everything, her eyes looked so fearful.

"Even as she looks like she wants to fall apart, she is so beautiful," He thought to herself.

Even with her eyes swollen, looking like she wanted to shut down; she was the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. From her piercings to the watercolor eyes and her tooth gap, he had always remembered to draw (he didn't want an idealized version of her, he wanted to draw her as she was.) As long as it was her, it didn't matter the situation, she would shine.

This wasn't the time to dwell on that, but he would remember to tell her that later, and probably again. He didn't want to keep things hidden anymore, especially not when this mess has partially happened because he also didn't try to talk things over. He also had experience in messing up that way.

"You aren't the only one who has kept secrets they shouldn't," Miles said somberly, gathering Gwen's attention as her eyes opened slightly in confusion and surprise. Is funny, considering she knew about this; "You remember that I lost my uncle, right? Holding his hand in his last moments; and I couldn't talk to anyone about it."

"Miles that wasn't your fault."

"It wasn't," He accepted, and has done for a while. It took him time to realize that; he hopes Gwen realizes that in her own situation too eventually; "How do you think, my dad felt when he realized I kept his lasts words to myself for over a year?"

Gwen stood there in surprise, while Miles himself let that sink as he felt the bitter taste in his mouth at the thought. He still remembers his father's melancholic face, as he took in what his brother said, the grief he still had about the subject, as well as the pain that Miles deprived him of this information for this long.

Miles knew his parents understood that he has been afraid, in all honesty, part of him wished they could have been harsher at him; he would take his dad's anger any day of the week over the disappointment and betrayal those news has been for him. But they were working on it, they were doing their better to talk and understand each other better, even if it wasn't always easy.

He was thankful to them for teaching him that, now more than ever as he consoled Gwen.

"I messed up," He admitted, freely, as he looked into her eyes "In more ways than one, and that wasn't the only time. It happens."

"But I keep doing it-"

"Then try again," He said immediately, softly and without judgment.

Which was all he found in Gwen's gaze as she said "Why? Why would you trust me with that? What makes you think I would not do this again?"

He wouldn't, not that it was the point, he trusted her that much. But there was something about this conversation that brought into mind something Margo mentioned; how Gwen's feelings for him couldn't have been a secret for what she did. Now that he knows how she feels about him, that day feels like it has gained an entirely new meaning.

Yet there was still something he needed to know.

"What you were supposed to do, when we saw each other again?"

"What?"

"That day, when the Spot ended up opening another hole in the multiverse- What were you supposed to do that day in my dimension?"

Looking at him completely at loss, she says "Miles what has this to do with anything?"

"I will tell you once you answer me."

Scoffing, she rolls her eyes before whispering to herself 'fuck it, what difference does make it now.' Taking a deep breath, she says "Spot ended up traveling to a bunch of dimensions on a dime, almost by accident; we caught a whiff of what was going on when he was back in Earth 1610. The original plan was only to monitor him, since he was back in his own dimension; my mission was to watch over him and made sure he couldn't do his hole trick again."

"And, you weren't supposed to see me at all."

Shaking her head, she says "Miguel didn't want to involve you at all, he even had his reservations about me because, you know," She gestured to both of them- wait does that mean Miguel somehow put two and two together about them before Miles even registered it? "Jess was the one who gave me the mission, she trusted me more than Miguel did. But she didn't want to involve you either, if it was for her I would have been hidden below that bridge the entire time until I needed to interfere."

But that was not what she did, she opened the portal to his room; before even realizing it was his room. She was given a mission to keep the lunatic scientist from traveling to other dimensions as he pleased (though none of them realized how dangerous he could be back then,) and what she did was to get to him as soon as she was able and hug him.

As a grin started to appear on his face, Gwen scoffed "Yeah yeah, you can laugh; it was dumb."

"No- I mean, I don't think so;" Could prioritizing seeing someone you had missed over the safety of the multiverse be called dumb? Maybe, would have Miles done things differently had he been in Gwen's shoes? Not in a million years. "I'm just, happy to hear that."

"What, letting a nutjob get away by being too desperate?"

"If it helps, I would have done the same for you in a heartbeat." He says earnestly, still cradling her face as the tears finally started to disappear; even if it was because the topic was less upsetting for her. As he saw her annoyance leave her face, he said "But don't you get it? You were doing it already."

"Doing what?"

"Showing how you feel."

"..."

"Think about it," He says with a smile, remembering that day "You came to see me, and hug me before I even had the chance to register you were here. You spend as much time as you could with me until the watch told you something happened. And then when we saw Margo well, looking back you weren't subtle."

Clicking her tongue, she quickly replies "Okay, at least half the reason for that was Peni-"

"What?"

As if she realized she had said too much, she moves her hand dismissively, "Nevermind."

He probably wouldn't, this reminded him of some things Hobie was talking about before- maybe he should talk to Margo later, if only to find a way to return the favor.

"My point is, all of that was there," He reminds her, going back on topic, "When we were seating in the Tower, I thought you didn't want to be more because of what you say, and somehow didn't think of all the other little things you were doing. Even if you say you have a problem talking things out, you always find a way to show it, right?"

Her lips formed a tight line, unconvinced, and replies "That's not good enough."

"I mean, you can do this," With his hand that is not on her cheek, he takes her own, giving it a tender squeeze, "You just did it, too; you told me what was wrong."

"I didn't have much of a choice."

"You could just say you didn't want to talk about it," he shrugs nonchalantly "You certainly didn't need to tell me about how you feel about your dad, or Peter; but you still did, you are still trusting me that much."

Gwen seemed to want to find a rebuttal, but any words died in her throat, and Miles didn't give her much of a chance before saying.

"Is okay, if is still tough, if you have trouble opening up, all this means is that you just need to continue trying, and we need to remind you that we are here for you, one way or another."

Even after all of this back and forth, it seemed like there was something holding her back, almost like even with Miles telling her it was okay, she couldn't let herself believe it. Without more arguments, she asks a softly, defeated "Why?" She whispers to him "Why after all I told you, after all I did, you still want to be here?"

That has to be the easiest question he has answered all night.

"Because I love you."

He had implied that much before, but hadn't said it yet, funnily enough Gwen technically beat him to the punch earlier in the middle of her rant. If they could talk things out, make this right- he hoped he could get to say it a lot more.

"When I was hiding before, I was thinking about that; how long I had feelings for you, but rather than these feelings changing because of the distance and what happened between us, I realized I just found new ways to love you. To realize there is a lot more than the badass hero I met initially, to love being around you regardless if we are on the suit or not. I saw your lyrics, the pictures, and the plushie, and not even once I thought I was mad at you for keeping this away from me, I was just so happy.

"You used to do ballet, until you needed to leave because Spider-people don't have a good track record with being on time or being there when needed. You had been hitting things with your hands for so long your dad decided to get you a drum set. The first time I saw you fight, you were so swift and well pulled together it made me wish I could train you if only to hope to get half the ability you have.

"You have a tendency to gravitate around people, hitting a shoulder, leaning on someone, hugs- sometimes I think you try to hold those impulses more than you let on" To that comment she suddenly looked to the side, oh he was going to remember that for later, "You remember little things, like how I like to draw, or the name of my parents; even if I don't think I told them their names more than once.

"You are caring, fierce, and once you know what the right thing is you would fight the world and back for it." He continues his praises to the unbelieved gaze of Gwen, that seemed dumbfounded at the idea that he was saying all of this; as if he didn't think that every time he laid his eyes on her. "You are impulsive, a tad reckless, and hold on too much.

"And I love that, because I love you, with all the caveats and falls;" He explains, moving just a bit closer, wanting her to directly look at him and see in his gaze how much she means to him "I didn't fall for you because I thought I deserved you, I just did. It doesn't matter the pain, the misunderstandings, or whatever spidey shenanigans we end up; I still want this, I want to be with you."

Gwen has never been the most expressive person, trying to keep her feelings to herself out of self-preservation. Yet finally after all of this, she was smiling at him, it was small with the tips of her lips just going a bit up, but this one time he saw her eyes shine at him and didn't think he was making it up.

Getting a step closer, their faces inches away from each other, leaving enough space for her to still say no and take a step back "I want to be there for you when you are angry but you don't want to talk about it, when you are sad and you don't know what to do, I want to take you to dates and I want you to get mad at me if I mess up because I would rather have you talking than you hiding from me. I want to go out with you and get to hear all the things you never talk about, good or bad.

"Can I do that? Can I go out with you? To give us a chance?"

Gwen laughs, the same type of laugh he needed to try to contain earlier. As she giggles her face breaks into the biggest smile he has ever seen on her, she looks at him as if she can't believe it; "I don't know how you keep doing it, but you always find the right thing to say."

He smiles at her, and as he looks at her lips, he looks back at her eyes knowing they are way too close for her to not notice that "So, is that a yes-"

"Please," As he hears the laughter in her voice, she takes a step further and kisses him, throwing herself as she put her arms around his shoulders.

Grabbing her waist as he makes sure they don't fall (and kept to himself a groan as the wounds in his back didn't particularly like holding weight all of the sudden,) it only took him a second before he kissed her back. The faint sting of paint wavered as he felt her warm against him, her lips were soft and he tasted the salt of her own tears and took it away as he reciprocated.

The smell of her shampoo filled him as he felt his chest explode in ecstasy, a long dream becoming true yet nothing could have ever prepared for it. No fantasy or dream could ever come close to the feeling of finally having the woman he loved kissing him, hugging him as if the world was about to end.

Even if Gwen wasn't saying anything, just as always, her feelings shine in her actions. The longing for a kiss they both had wanted for so long, the softness of her touch as she tried to be mindful of his back, the want she felt as after breaking apart to breathe she didn't take more time than she needed before kissing him again, showing all those feelings she wanted to keep at bay.

It was a few minutes before they finally stop, Gwen putting her forehead against his.

"So," He says, a bit hazy, the kissing may have messed up with his brain a bit but he was not complaining, "I guess that's a yes on being my girlfriend?"

Chuckling, he can't help but notice that he likes the sound of her laugh just as much as he likes feeling it as they hug, basking in her happiness like a sunflower following the sun "I will be mad if I wasn't."

"Cool"

"Cool," She repeats at him.

And then, out of nowhere an outside voice says "Cool, can I come in now?"

"DAD?!" Gwen screeches as detangles herself from him so quickly he hastily grabs the wall; yeah just because he pretended to be fine didn't mean he was. "What are you doing!?"

"Well, I was calling the restaurant to tell them the order on my way there, and they said the restaurant was packed and it was going take way longer than what I was expecting. I was going to ask if you wanted something else when I heard screaming and figure you didn't want me to be involved."

Gwen's shoulders drop, letting a tired sigh as she said "How much did you hear?"

"Not much, once I heard you talk about Peter and ah, what happened, I went outside to take a short walk, and now I just came back after hearing a bunch of cools, if there anything you want me to know?"

Miles's attention picked at that; not a 'what's going on' or 'what happened,' but directly asking if there was anything she was okay with sharing. Perhaps he has been aware of this issue more than Gwen gave him credit for.

He saw her tense, probably stressed out about what to do; so taking a couple of steps until he was right beside her, he took her hand and says "Hey, whatever you want to do, I'm here in your corner, okay?"

Gwen seemed surprised, before smiling back at him as she squeezed his hand "Thank you."

This was obviously, going to be a long road. The fears Gwen had were bigger than Miles, something more problematic and difficult than just a nice speech and a few kisses; but he was ready to do it all for her.

Because Spider-man doesn't has a 'The End,' just a 'to be continued', and he wanted to see what a route to her beside him would look like.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Oh man how the fuck I made this so goddamn long. This was going on for so long that I almost thought of adding another chapter, but no, I'm done; I have other things to work on. A big chunk of this chapter was written after I had seen the barbie movie, writing a good part on it with a lack of sleep and hearing "What I was made for" on loop at 2 am in the morning, and I think it shows. It wasn't written in one go but boy it wasn't without penance. Even if a lot of this was fueled by existentialism and other things that are illegal in other countries, I don't think this fic was ever going to get a happy, fluffy ending without some angst thrown at it. Aside from the fact that if you look at my other works this is the least surprising thing coming from me, this story has been about it even before I decided it wasn't a one-shot anymore. The fact that Gwen would go to absurd lengths to keep things a secret rather than having a mildly awkward conversation is present ever since the second chapter, and as easy as it could have been "We are both idiots how the fuck we put two and two together," that's not how I roll. I would apologize, but nah, this is my story after all, and it wouldn't be mine without someone losing their shit because believe they aren't good enough or something. I think that's all, I need to eat something (is 3:30 but I refused to eat until this was over,) and do other crap. If you like it please leave a comment and kudos! This story wouldn't have passed the first chapter without them.

#ghostflower #gwiles #miles morales #gwen stacy #fanfics #atsv #across the spiderverse

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canirove · 1 year

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Mason Mount Imagine | five

Author’s note: Something super random I wrote the other day after seeing Calvin Harris post about “One kiss”, his song with Dua Lipa, and remembering what the lyrics say. Wasn’t going to post it today, but yeah, why not? 😅 Hope you like it! 💜

Little summary: You are a Dj, and the host of the radio show where you are being interviewed gets Mason on it. That leads to you playing at a Chelsea party, and meeting with him again, this time in person. (Female reader/pov)

Masterlist

"Changing the topic a bit, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you are a Chelsea fan, aren't you?"

"I am, yes. My dad bought me a shirt the moment he found out my mum was pregnant."

"Oh wow" Rich laughs. "Are you ready for the Champions League final?"

"Kind of. Thinking about it makes me nervous but also so excited."

"Will you be attending the game?"

“I wish" I sigh. "I have a show in Germany that night. If there is extra time, I will miss it."

"So they better win on the 90 minutes."

"Yes, please. Do it for me" I chuckle.

"Any favourite player?"

"Oh, I'm gonna be very original with my answer... Mason Mount."

"He's hot, isn't he?"

"Don't go there, Rich" I laugh while giving him a murderous look.

"Ok, ok" he replies. "But I'm glad you said his name, because we actually have him on the other side of the phone. Morning, Mason Mount."

"Good morning, Rich" he says. "How are you, man?"

"Oh, shit" I say under my breath.

"I'm good, thank you. So, Mase, I believe you are a big fan of our guest today."

"I am, yes."

“Thank you” I say.

"Do you guys play her songs in the changing room?" Rich asks.

"We do, yes. Especially when we need to be motivated, they are the best."

"Any favourite one?"

"Personally... "One kiss". Love the rhythm, and your voice sounds amazing."

"Thank you" I say again, my cheeks starting to feel a bit warm.

"It is a very sexy song. And so is the music video. Have you watched it?"

"I have" Mason says.

"Any favourite scene? I really like it when you sing "I just wanna feel your skin on mine, feel your eyes do the expexploring" while looking straight into the camera. Felt things there."

"Richard!" I laugh.

"What about you, Mase?"

"I liked the whole thing."

"Oh... Got it" Rich laughs. "Have you guys ever met? Follow each other on Instagram? Slided into the other's dms?"

"So noisy, Richard" I laugh. "We follow each other, but that's all."

"Then we need to do something about that! Mase, if you win the Champions League, you must convince Chelsea to have her play at your party."

"I'll try. That would atually be really cool."

"What do you say?Are you up for it?" Rich asks me.

"I would love that, yes" I say. "Now you just have to win, Mason."

"We'll try" he laughs. "And on the 90 minutes."

"Perfect" I smile.

"Mase, bro. Thank you very much for these 5 minutes, we really appreciate it" Rich says.

"Of course, bro."

"Good luck on the final" I say.

"Thank you very much" he replies.

"Mason Mount, ladies and gentlemen!" Rich adds.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"That was smooth" I say once the radio show is over.

"What do you mean?" Rich asks.

"Playing matchmaker with me and Mount?"

"I wasn't doing that."

"Of course not, Rich" I say, rolling my eyes.

"Ok, fine, maybe a bit. But it's because I think you would make a really nice couple. And you do find him hot."

"Whatever. I just hope we aren't on all the headlines tomorrow."

"I can already see it. The dj and the football star, flirting live on the radio" he laughs.

"Exactly" I say, elbowing him on the ribs.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"You won't believe who just called" my agent says.

"I'm all ears."

"Chelsea."

"Who?" I ask while looking for a sweatshirt on my wardrobe.

"The football team, you silly! They want you to play at the private party they are throwing to celebrate the Champions League!"

"Really?"

"Yep! Looks like Mount did as he promised..."

"Yeah" I say, focusing on finding that damn sweatshirt to keep me from thinking too much about it. About Mason asking his team to have me at their party.

"Maybe he fancies you."

"Mason Mount? Fancying me?" I snort.

"Yes, you. You would make a really nice couple, you know."

"Don't be like Rich, please."

"I don't know what you are talking about. But we better find you a good outfit, you must look hotter than ever."

"Why?"

"Just in case..." my agent smirks.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"This song goes for the goal scorer" I say, the first notes of "One Kiss" starting to play.

While everyone starts cheering and singing, I look for Mason among the crowd.

🎶 And I know that you'll still wanna see me

On the Sunday morning, music real loud

Let me love you while the moon is still out 🎶

When I finally spot him, he is smiling, his eyes fixed on me. I smile back, and he raises his glass, starting to sing the chorus of the song.

🎶 One kiss is all it takes

Falling in love with me

Possibilities

I look like all you need 🎶

After that, I have to look down, my cheeks burning. But my moment of shyness doesn't last long. When the next verse starts, I look for him again, meeting his eyes and now being the one who is singing, a cocky smile on his face while he watches me.

🎶 I just wanna feel your skin on mine

Feel your eyes do the exploring

Passion in the message when you smile

Take my time

Something in you lit up heaven in me

The feeling won't let me sleep

'Cause I'm lost in the way you move, the way you feel 🎶

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"Someone wants to meet you."

"Who?" I ask while I get changed.

"The goal scorer" my agent says with the biggest grin.

"Mason?"

"Yep. Do I ask him to come in?"

"I..." I say, looking around the little room Chelsea set for me to use as a dressings room. It is a mess. "I guess. But wait."

"What?"

"How do I look?"

"Gorgeous" my agent winks before leaving.

"Ok" I say to myself while taking deep breaths. Why am I this nervous? He is just a guy. One to whom I basically sang that I want to have sex with him, but just a guy.

"That was an amazing show."

"Oh shit!" I jump.

"I'm sorry, I should have knocked before coming in."

"No, it's ok, it's ok" I smile. "I was just... Thinking."

"About anything in particular?" Mason asks with a cheeky smile.

"Just one song that I didn't sound like I wanted" I lie.

"Well, like I said... That was amazing, I loved it. And so did everyone else."

"Thank you, it means a lot. And congratulations on winning the Champions League."

"Thank you" he smiles. "And since we are thanking things, thank you for dedicating me my favourite song."

"Oh, that was nothing" I say with a nervous laugh.

"I think it actually was something" he says, taking a few steps forward towards me.

"What do you mean?"

"I just wanna feel your skin on mine, feel your eyes do the exploring”. You sang that to me."

"Did I?" I gulp.

"Yep" he says, licking his lips and making me feel... Things, like Rich said on the radio.

"I was... I just..."

"You..." he says, now standing very close to me.

"It's just a song" I shrug.

"One that you wrote."

"Yes."

"And is it true what it says? That one kiss is all it takes to fall in love with you?"

"I..."

"I want to see if it's true" Mason whispers while his thumb caresses my cheek.

"You... Do?"

"I do" he whispers again, his lips almost touching mine. "And then..."

"And then?" I ask.

"Might need your company tonight" he smiles, quoting another verse of the song before finally kissing me.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

undefined

youtube

#mason mount #mason mount imagine #mason mount x reader #mason mount fanfic #football imagine #football fanfic #masonimagine #Youtube

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sorenevans · 2 months

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can we just talk about the song "Inkpot Gods" for a minute?

while I am 100% sure I am interpreting this song wrong I really don't care.

let me show you my vision-

(listen while you read- it makes more sense.)

There's a young girl- about 10-11 years old. She's probably been through a lot. and she tries not to cry because she thinks that is a sign of weakness, but a man who was supposed to care for this girl originally, but was so scared too he never really tried- POTENTIALLY A FATHER FIGURE, MAYBE EVEN HER ACTUAL FATHER- tells her that it's ok to cry, and to not worry about the other kids laughing at her because she's just learning how to fight for herself.

Oh, what? These, these aren't tears It's just the rain that wasn't brave enough to fall And what they hear isn't laughter, after all It's just your voice learning for once to stand up tall

that same man wants to keep her safe, and that's exactly what he does. he vows to stay by her side and train her until she can fight the monsters of this world without his help. he sees her for more than her scars, more than her marking, more than anything superficial. he sees her for her. he sees her the way his father never saw him. He vows to never be like his father. He wants to be present in this young girl's life, he wants to be the father she doesn't and he never had.

And when the rain came down I made a vow out to the dark "Please, let her live just one more day Cause she is so much more than all her scars And if she doesn't have the will But it seems the whole world does, I'll stay, because I will be the man my father never was"

this man knew her mother before she died. she brings it up to the man when she turns 15 so that she can get the letters from her mom that the man had been keeping safe. the last letter written very hastily written read these lyrics. \/ The girl asked the man and he said that her mother was always singing.

And what you hear is not silence It's just the trees waiting to hear what next you'll hum

She also wrote in these letters that she was never truly alone that she had the man and the darkness was only there so she could appreciate the light in her life, it was only there to discourage her in her quests. but her mother also wrote not to let the darkness stop her and that those who made her life dark only did so to hurt her.

And what you see is not the dark It's just the gods upturning ink pots 'cause they know what you'll become

And she wrote a letter to those powers holding her daughter back.

And to those gods, I will speak bluntly "We've an accord, if you ever touch or harm her Please, rest assured that you might not fear a man But to a woman, by the end, you'll kneel and plea

and her mother writes one last thing. telling the girl how her mother always told her to look out only for herself. but after having a child she couldn't imagine not gladly dying for her. this child was her life.

'Cause I'm more than what my mum told me to be"

She's 17 now. fighting her own battles, and she's doing well until one day she's not. She is struggling- SHE'S LOSING. She's overwhelmed and OUTNUMBERED AND SCARED! The man wants nothing more than to help, but after all this time he's become old and frail and unable to fight like he used to. he can see her fighting. he can see her trying. he sees her fall. He can't watch anymore. he's fully overwhelmed by that feeling of helplessness.

And I can hear her sing And I know she's giving up And I don't know what to do, how to help her How to bring her home

and she sees the man, no- her father- she knew he saw her fall. She knows he's seeing her lose. She can feel the waves of emotion. she was so scared for him. She craved independence but right now she just wants to hug him- but this is her quest and only hers.

And I can hear him break And he doesn't understand And I wish that I could take his hand But where I'm going is for me and me alone

the man sees a letter sitting on the table. the girl had left it there. for in case she didn't make it back. It's been hours, and he didn't want to admit she could be dead, but he could see no other outcome. he opened the letter. and reads it over and over and over. he can practically hear her singing it.

And I can her sing "If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along" "If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along" "If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along" "If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along" (loved you all along)

He sits in a chair facing the battle scene, where he watches something emerging from the horizon. he tucks the letter neatly away and walks out to meet the girl. she won. She won so she could come back to him. her father- the one who was always there for her, the one who taught her about her mother- the one who loved her unconditionally, and she, him.

If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along

#the amazing devil #music interp #inkpot gods #whats sleep?

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gabulousxo · 8 months

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Quogan mini fanfic:

I've decided to write a mini fanfic for Quinn and Logan. (Mini as in I've just kept it as all one chapter.)

It involves....THE BENCH! Lol it's actually based on an envisioned scene I had that I wish we would've seen in the film. With some of my own added dialogue, along with the original dialogue from this particular scene in the film. The original show as well. Though, this fanfic will have moments (post Quinn running out) that lead up to this pivotal moment.

Because, I think we all can agree that a reminiscent scene for their first intimate moment/kiss on the bench was robbed of. 💯

So, here it is:

"I Only Want What You Want..."

After the recent, yet tragic cancellation of the wedding of the century, with a runaway bride and a distraught groom left at the altar, maid of honor Zoey Brooks was alone on the beach nearby with her long time love interest, Chase Matthews, talking about the events that all led to what had just happened and how she felt so guilty to have let her best friend down.. while also feeling nostalgic for their days in high school.

Wanting to make things right and see to it that her best friend still marries the love of her life, Zoey comes up with a perfect idea. "Go back. That's exactly what we need to do", she says with confidence. Chase quickly replies, "What?" That was the idea she had in mind: a nostalgic wedding ceremony at the PCA campus, with no more than Quinn and Logan's close friends and relatives in attendance. She quickly grabs Chase by the hand and goes to find Logan to let him know of her plan.

Logan was back in the groom's stall with his parents, doing his best to hold back tears. He was pacing back and forth as his parents listened to him on the couch. "I just don't understand. I-I-I don't understand how I could've screwed this up. How could I have gotten so self absorbed into trying to make this day perfect for Quinn that I completely neglect her: the most important person in my life whom I always put first." After a couple seconds, realizing the obvious, Logan continued.. "along with you guys and Lyric of course."

Mrs. Reese let out a soft giggle at his last words as she got up from the couch. "Look honey, I know that this isn't what you expected or planned, ..but you've been in a relationship with Quinn for 15 beautiful years. You've stuck by her side through thick and thin, no matter what. And I know for sure that she feels the same way in return. You guys will work this out. You always have." Logan gives his mother a little nod and smirk in response, "Thanks, mom." She then pulls him in for a hug. Logan hugs back, nuzzling into his mother's shoulder, again trying not to break. As Mrs Reese breaks the hug, she asks "Have you tried calling her yet?" - "I've tried at least 4 times. She won't answer or call me back. And I doubt she'll want to see me right now." Logan replied in heartbreak as he walked over to the other side of the room, his mother following behind him. "Well, maybe she just needs a little space to cool off right now. You know? Maybe this just wasn't the kind of wedding she was hoping for. And though your intentions were genuine and honorable, there's nothing wrong with that. Like I said though sweetheart, ..you guys, ..you're "Quinn and Logan". And I truly believe in my heart that you two are meant to be together forever. So just be patient, and when the time is right, you'll know what to do or say..and if Quinn loves you like your father and I believe she does, then she'll forgive you." Logan replies with some uncertainty "You think so?" Mrs Reese places her hand on Logan's cheek and pulls him in for a forehead kiss, then says with a smile, "I know so."

Logan's father then gets up and adds to all that Logan's mother had just said. "Your mother's right, Logan. You and Quinn just need a little space right now. But, don't wait too long to let her know how sorry you are, how much you love her and still want to be with her forever. Don't let your mistakes now ruin what you and Quinn have had for 15 years, nor let them cause you to be at risk of losing her forever." Malcolm glanced over at Logan's mother, feeling some guilt for never taking his own advice, ..leading them to their divorce. "Because you'll regret it for the rest of your life." Logan nods and gives his father a hug, thanking him and his mother both for their advice.

Moments later, Zoey arrives with Chase, I bit out of breath, yet still enthusiastic. Logan looks at her, just as pissed as he was at the altar. "What now, Zoey?" Zoey, catching her breath, replied "Hey..uhh, Mr and Mrs Reese, can I uhh have a moment alone with Logan please?" Logan immediately jumps in, "No! I mean, damnit Zoey, you've done enough, alright? Just go away!" Logan's mother grabs his arm, "Logan...just give her a minute." After drawing a reluctant breath, Logan softy replied, "Whatever.."

Mr and Mrs Reese left the grooming stall with Chase as Zoey walked further in and shut the door. Zoey turned to a back turned Logan, looking out the window in thought. Breaking the silence, she opened up. "Look Logan, ..I know that you're upset with me right now.." Logan interrupted with a scoff, "Upset? Man, talk about the freaking understatement of the year." Trying to continue, Zoey went on. "Logan, just listen to me.." He interrupted again, "How could you do this to me Zoey?! No, how could you do this to Quinn?! She's your best friend! And now, what, your date is some alleged murderer?!" Zoey kept quiet, realizing it was pointless trying to get a word in with him. Logan went on, "You know, if it weren't for you putting more time and consideration into your stupid show than into being there for Quinn, none of this would've happened! She never would've left, and we'd be married right now!" At that, Zoey jumped in with an outburst, "Woah-Woah-Woah! Don't you dare blame ALL of this on me! If I remember correctly, she yelled at you too!" "So, this whole thing," She said, using hand gestures, .."it's on both of us, pal! ..We're both to blame."

Though not wanting Zoey to be right, he realized that this was just as much his fault as it was hers. Logan drew another reluctant breath, and raised his hand in surrender, "Ok, ..you're right. I'm sorry." Logan turned back to face the window, as Zoey tried to regain her thoughts. "You're both right though. I didn't prioritize the wedding the way I should've, and I'm truly sorry for that." Logan turned back to her with a mixture of anger and heartbreak in his expression, "What do you want, Zoey? My heart's been shattered like broken glass, and mind's already at warped speed and I need to be alone right now, alright?" She stepped closer to him, "Look, just give yourself a few minutes to hear me out. Ok?" She replied. Logan agreed, walking over to sit on the couch. "Alright, I'm listening." Zoey went on, taking a seat next to him. "Logan, you and I both know the kind of person Quinn really is. This kind of thing was never her style. You know? Expensive dress, life size cake mannequins, a huge guest list that is only like 5% recognizable, you turning into the biggest groomzilla ever, ..and then there's me: with the show and the whole hugo/todd thing. Stacey is still wrong on that. Well, anyways, I honestly don't blame Quinn for feeling so overwhelmed and feeling no choice but to run off. But, ..I think there may still be a way for you guys to have a do over wedding."

Logan began to get a bit curious, "How?" "We give her a small, intimate, yet still beautiful wedding. Just like she hoped for." Zoey replied. Logan had admit it was a good idea, but he was a bit unsure of the outcome. "So, what, we just start from scratch with a smaller wedding in a different location? No offense, but I don't think that'll work." Zoey paused before continuing, "...What if it was a specific location?" Logan turned his glance back at her, still curious. "What do you mean?" She replied, "PCA. What if we were able to have the ceremony at the PCA campus? You could talk to whoever's in charge of the property, get them to let us have the campus for the day, ..then we could all pitch in with decorations and prep, and you can bring Quinn as a surprise, and then you can propose to her again." Logan stood up, trying to take her suggestion seriously. "What? Zoey, come on, that place has been closed for almost 15 years. What makes you think I'd be able to talk to the person in charge into letting a group of former students throw a wedding there?" He replied. She gave him a straightforward gaze. "It'll work. ..You're Logan Reese." Logan stood still for a second, then shrugged in agreement, thinking "alright, you got a point." Zoey stood up and continued, "So, ..what you say?" Logan felt a sense of nostalgia in this conversation with Zoey. Walking up to her, he replied "You're really are smarter than you look, Brooks. ...Let's do it." Zoey nods and smiles, happy that she got Logan on board.

The next day, after a long and frustrating conversation which ended with a bribe, hand shake, and mutual agreement, Logan got the approval to rent out the PCA campus for the day. Zoey and the gang started unloading their vans and began setting up the decorations. Logan went over to help Zoey, "Look, this idea's great and all, but what if I can't get her here? After our conversation last night about setting this up, I tried to get her to talk to me or see me. I've tried flower arrangements, edible arrangements, a sky writer, ..nothing." Zoey couldn't help but let out a sarcastic laugh. "Uh, ok uh 'Logan Almighty', you're not trying to get Jennifer Aniston to take you back, ..you're trying to get Quinn to still want to marry you. So, here's an idea: have you tried talking to her? Like, in person?" Logan looked encouraged, "No. ..I mean, I've thought about it, but after the rejected gifts and her not responding to my calls, I just didn't think it'd do any good." "Well, then try that. I mean, even Jim Carrey's character in that movie had to realize that what Jennifer Aniston really needed was for him to fight for her; to know that the man she fell in love with wasn't gone. And that's exactly what I think Quinn wants from you." Zoey replied.

She leaned in and put her hand on his shoulder. "Logan, she needs to know that the Logan Reese she fell in love with back in high school is still inside of you. So it's up to you to let her know that." Zoey paused, and then continued. "End of the day Logan, ..all of this, ..all of us, ..it's not what's truly important. You and Quinn. And your unconditional love for each other. That's what's truly important." Logan nodded in agreement, "Ok. I'm gonna do it." Before he left for the exit, Zoey made a suggestion, "Hey Logan, why don't you just take a little stroll around the campus first. You know? To just think about what you wanna say, maybe reminisce about you and Quinn back when it was just you two against the world...maybe that'll help clear your head." Logan gave it a couple seconds of thought, then decided to take Zoey up on her suggestion, and took off in a separate direction around the campus. "Good idea, thanks." He said. After Logan went off on his own, Zoey met up with Chase and the rest to go over all the plans.

While strolling around the campus, reminiscing about all the good times he had at this place, hanging out with his friends, his favorite sun tanning spots, his favorite hideout spots with Quinn, etc he pulled out his new phone, courtesy of Quinn, and pressed number 1, where he put her on speed dial. After a couple rings, it went once again direct to her voicemail, Logan smiled softly every time he'd hear her voice over: "Hey, you've reached Quinn Pensky. Sorry that I missed your call. Please leave me your name and message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you." Logan replied, "Hey Quinn, uh..it's me again." Logan rubbing his face, trying yet again to think of the right words to say, "Look, I'm--I'm really sorry about what happened. Just..please let me explain myself, ..and why I did what I did. Please just..just let me talk to you ok? Alright umm, if you do listen to this message, just please call me back. Bye." Logan then hung up, unsure of what to think or what to do next. In the meantime, he just kept walking. -- Suddenly, he stumbled upon a familiar sighting. Looking up, he felt this rush of nostalgia come right over him, and the feeling of butterflies came back in his stomach. He couldn't believe it was still there, in the exact same spot:

It was the bench. A little dirty and beaten up, but..there it was.

And suddenly, every moment from that day..the awkwardness, the nervousness, the butterflies, the kiss.., all the flashbacks came rushing back to him. He drew a deep breath, with a reminiscing look on his face, as he walked towards that bench. He began thinking, "this bench changed everything for me. Had I not stopped on my jet-x to comfort Quinn here on this bench that day, I don't know where I'd be right now in life. Nor do I want to know. Stopping at this bench was the best thing that could've ever happened to me. It brought me to Quinn. And because I did, that single decision gave me 15 years of love with her." Standing behind the bench, he placed his hand on the back end, simultaneously thinking about the moment they first kissed. The whole conversation. "You been crying? What's wrong?" "Nothing!", "Come on, talk to me." Logan began to slowly circle the bench toward the front to sit down, memories of that day still coming back to him as he sat: "Mark broke up with me." "Why'd he dump--break up with you?" "Cause he fell for Brooke Margolin." "Woah, she's hot! -- hot-ish." Logan softly giggled, remembering that exact response, "You're such an idiot." He whispered.

As he sat there, in their special spot, he began thinking about what Zoey said: about remembering what was truly important. Then as the rest of the memories from that day came back, it was all becoming clear to him. "I guess can't be mad at Mark." "Well if it makes you feel any better, I think Mark's an idiot. -- I mean, he's an idiot for breaking up with you." "Why do you say that?" As he was reminiscing, Logan turned his head to face the other side of the bench, exactly where Quinn sat that day. Suddenly, it was almost like he could see a silhouette of her from that day. "I don't know, I mean.. Look, we all know you're weird. But, you're smart, you're pretty, and you're kind of fun." "Thanks." "Sure. And uh, why are you dressed like that?" Logan had the same expression on his face as he did then, "..I was trying to compete with Brooke." Still able to see her silhouette, he could hear the echo of his response as he said it again simultaneously to himself, ..."Well don't."

All of a sudden, everything became clear. What Zoey said was true, he just needed to remember what made Quinn fall for him in the first place. As well as remember that him telling Quinn to not act or dress like the typical PCA girl was him telling her that not only did he like her for who she truly was, but that he didn't want her to change anything about her in attempts to impress others and get their approval. Since that was never her style to begin with. And it made him realize that Quinn, in a way, felt the same way about the wedding. He then realized exactly what he was gonna do and say. Immediately, he ran straight to his car and headed for the apartment. On the way, he stopped for a bouquet and some balloons. Nervous and anxious, Logan drove back to the apartment, preparing what he was going to say, thinking about the others getting ready on campus, etc. All he hoped for was that Quinn still had hope for their future and that she'd give him another chance to make things right. As well as giving her a surprise re-proposal once they'd arrive at the campus. Arriving at the apartment, he drew a deep breath and whispered to himself, "Ok. Here we go."

(And we all know what happened next. ❤️)

- The End -

Hope you all liked it. ✌🏻❤️

#quinn and logan #quinn x logan #quogan #zoey 101 #zoey 102 #quinn pensky #quinn reese #logan reese #true love #zoey brooks

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clownsalot · 6 months

Text

ok so anyway double first impressions and observations!! idk if ill be repeating any points other people have already brought up since im typing this without having looked through the milgram tag. and this probably won't be all that organized despite my attempt of neatening it up but ah well. i tried grouping my observations by point at least, but they're not in an order that follows the sequence of the mv.

also id like to preface this that firstly a) i don't have any personal experience with DID whether it be in myself or with people i know so please be patient with me if i say something wrong and b) for now please assume im going with the 2koto theory? not because i dont believe in the trikoto theory but because i haven't really dug that deep into it and so id be bad at spotting evidence of it myself

also im mostly going off of what i see visually in the mv since i haven't gotten to analyzing the lyrics yet

for now im referring to host mikoto and alter mikoto as bokuto and orekoto respectively.

the rest of the post under the cut!!

1. magazine/print(?) texture

the first thing i took note of was the magazine/print(?)(there's definitely a better term for this because just saying 'paper' doesn't fit. someone please help) texture that shows up when the mv kind of fragments. there's a lot of text that shows up like printed letters on a newspaper/print(?) that floats around.

how i find this interesting is actually in contra:st to the magazine texture on cat and the magazine/scrapbook format of this is how to be in love with you:

whereas kazui and mahiru center more on the clean perfect 'advertising' feel of magazines, mikoto's texturing in double feels more like the kind of crinkled old magazines you rip and mess up for collages in primary school.

it's kind of interesting, actually: with kazui and mahiru, it's their portrayals of the idealized romanticized forms of love and romance they're being sold. so with mikoto, is it the shreds of the idealized 9-5 grind he's been sold? since it seems to be implied in double and also one of the shots in undercover that mikoto is pushing himself too far for the sake of his work, and it's well known that the work grind in japan is crushingly brutal and overtime is not only expected but actively encouraged (i may be reaching with this one though? i dunno man).

2. the eye imagery

the next thing i noticed was that double has a lot of eye imagery. it's really interesting because it's like it's carrying over the feeling of surveillance from MeMe by replacing the camera povs that feel like spying on mikoto with more straightforward eyes on him.

what else is interesting to me though is the way the eyes watching mikoto in double contrast with the eyes watching fuuta in backdraft. as far as i can tell mikoto and fuuta are the only ones in milgram with eye imagery? but there's a difference in that while fuuta's eyes are disturbing partly because of the fact that they're semirealistic, mikoto's in contrast are a lot more abstracted in comparison. i wonder what exactly the eyes in double are supposed ro represent, since fuuta's are meant to represent judgement. given the stylistic differences between them im really curious as to what the similarities and differences would be between how they both view being watched? i can't come up with anything concrete at the moment though.

3. across the train carriage

i think throughout double there's a kind of shot composition/framing that shows up a few times, and it's that orekoto and bokuto seem to be across the train carriage from each other.

in the first image, it looks like bokuto is being reflected in the window behind orekoto, meaning he'd have to be sitting across from him in the train carriage. in the second, an identical pair of hands are overlapping orekoto's image, and since i doubt there'd be a mirror cutting right through the middle of the carriage in front of the doors, it'd have to mean that they're mirroring each other's actions from across the train carriage.

(you'll have to forgive me for it being in still images, i wish i could get it in motion but i am. not a gif maker. it's at roughly 2:16 though for anyone who needs it)

it also shows up in this scene which i like a lot!!! where the camera starts from a mikoto leaning haggardly against the train door looking at something behind the camera, who im assuming to be bokuto, before it pans up towards the ceiling and down again to the mikoto holding onto the bloody bat, who im assuming to be orekoto.

the Across the Train Carriage framing is really really really cool in and of itself and i love it!! but that panning shot has me rolling it's so good and i love it so much. the way it pans back down to orekoto so he's upside down makes it so disorienting and difficult to process especially with the scribbly effects over it. this could be reflective of how bokuto feels about this whole thing himself, but i donthave much of an analysis for this point, i just wanted to point it out because i think the directing of it is really really really damn cool

4. phone call home

yea i don't have an analysis for this part either, i also just find this sequence of events really really cool. just—the calmness of the phone call over the flashes of orekoto violently 'taking care of' the things troubling them!!!! it's the juxtaposition of the mikoto who calmly tells his mom that everything is alright and he's fine vs the mikoto that takes care of things for him that allows that kind of calmness to exist in the first place. it tickles my brain

although there is the thing of: if people are right that the mv visually distinguishes between bokuto and orekoto through the presence of eyebags, it is a little odd that the mikoto on the phone also has eyebags, implying that the him on the phone is also not bokuto. and i don't know what that's supposed to signify, but it's a little interesting to think about.

5. glitching Next Station screens

it's interesting to note that as the mv progresses the screens that show the train route and what the next station is get glitchier and glitchier. do any of the train station names correspond with actual train stations on the japanese train system? do they mean something else? im really curious, but my japanese isn't great and consists of only the 2 duolingo units i did like years ago, so could anyone please give me a hand with translating or point me to someone who has already translated it?

the constant appearances of trains in both MeMe and double is really interesting to me and i wonder what exactly it could be representing or what the significance of it is, especially since mikoto apparently bikes to work and doesn't commute on public transport

anyways, that's about it for all the things i took note of upon watching double the first two times, and i haven't done any especially deep analysis or anything. i haven't touched on all the mannequins either, mostly because im not reslly sure what they're supposed to represent and so don't really have much to say about them.

also hanae natsuki delivers a banger vocal performance once again!! ive never heard him miss in any of the roles ive seen him in, but he once again knocks it out of the park with mikoto. i haven't listened to mikoto's t2 voice drama neoplasma yet, but im sure hanae natsuki did amazing work on that once again, so im really excited to give it a listen!!

as for now though, i think ill have to look at everyone else's analyses of double to understand mikoto better, since even though i love him as a character and i like doing analysis im not as great at theorizing

#uhhhh first of all if the photos are kind of badly edited that's because im doing the best i can with the collage function in my phone's #gallery app;;;; so sorry about that #also if this is super messy and kind of hard to follow im also sorry about that!! i didn't really know how to organize the jumble of #thoughts about double so i ended up deciding rhat grouping them by point would be best #milgram #mikoto kayano #oh yea also sorry that allllll of my screenshots have rhe lyric captions still in them even though i focused on the visuals #i was taking the screenshots as i watched and was too lazy to go back and retake all of them hsbdbsbfjsd

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synthshenanigans · 9 months

Text

Really Stupid Theory Idea:

(Ive totally definitely cracked the code)

Thinking about this bit from TSE

Soul says the brain is what split them up in the first place (i doubt hes talking about Mind). Going into "Someone help me understand what's going on behind my eyes. Doctor I can't tell if I'm not me" shows how much his sense of identity has been jumbled up since the "brain" is split into three he doesn't know whats happening in his head nor what hes supposed to be. The beginning half of Cacophony has Heart & Mind fighting over Soul/who should control him/take his place, not even trying to view him a person or having his own identity. Especially with Storm & a Spring, Mind saying "A Soul so deep, and dark, and eternally cold and an oath, formed from us both that it would stay whole" saying that THEY are in charge of Soul and are the ones keeping him Whole. So by the time Soul has his song he's 1. Trying to keep the other two from tryin to kill the other again/stop their arguing and 2. Trying to figure out who he and what hes supposed to be. And since in the end of TSE Heart & Mind are still fighting and has no idea what hes supposed to be, he gives up and views tridental regicide as the answer. Its only till Heart & Mind attempt to see the others viewpoint that he can make his own viewpoints about himself and his identity.

Where am I going with this? Well its obvious

(im not going anywhere with this I just wanted to rant about Soul and I made a stupid theory out of it)

I was always confused why Soul looked like this

But also this

Like whys he half colored in Light but other times hes not?

Speaking of Night&Light, who tf is thie fella??

Are you Whole? Are you Soul? Well ladies, gentlemen and the technicolor rainbow in between the answer to that is Yes but also No

That shadowy figure is totally definitely

Soul 2

Now you may say "KJ, soul 2 isnt real, it was just the way CJ was mixing his music/lyrics and he just forgot to fix it"

And I say stfu you're WRONG and im gonna TELL you why you're wrong.

(All lyrics im getting from are specifically from CJ's videos that indicate who says what)

As i said before the line from TSE in the forst photo up top says Soul can't understand whats going on behind his eyes/in is brain/head. He also says this line:

"Open your window look out and see them. Tines stabbed through eyes that the sides have condemned"

While this lyric is usually used for how heart went blind theories, its odd that it says "The Sides have Condemned" the sides being Heart & Mind. And as we know by the lyrics " Heart Mind Slay Soul" and "Fathers of fathers, I know that I'm vile. Let's see how long it takes to murder me. Neither is wrong, yet neither is right. Condemn him to the infirmary" Soul uses their own lines against them and knows how their fighting is a threat himself (also shown by the lyric in Dream). He tries to show that neither side is Good or Evil (the thing they only come to terms with in VoaC) but the very thought of working together and seeing the others side, is said that the person deserves to be Condemned. Which is exactly what the line from Night. A person with another perspective (from the window), and the sides (Heart & Mind) condemn that idea.

However the lyric in Light "Open the window, look out and see me, that sad, sulking mess, this human you're being" is said by the black shadowy character. But thought Soul was in the window? Unless the Shadowy Guy

IS THAT DARKER HALF OF SOUL

Is that idea dumb? Probably BUT you have lyrics like in Two Wuv "The person you see is a dark divided man". Divided can mean both Heart & Mind but also the fact that Soul is divided into 2 colors. But thats up to interpretation you say, well what about the fact that this line from Night (that have {} which are indications of when Soul is singing)

ARE SAID BY THE SHADOW MAN AND NOT SOUL.

Along with this, Soul & Shadow Pal can both say Me when talking about themselves specifically. But when trying to say Me as in all together/Whole, they glitch out and cant say it. Because neither of them are Whole. But are technically the same person/entity

(Two Wuv is also the song where you can point out the parts when which half of Soul is singing. Depending if talking about the point of Cacophony/HMS or the perspective of Whole/Soul 2 when writing about/making the songs themselves. However i dont have enough room for that atm so thatll have to be a separate post (if i make it lol) )

The ending of Light has all of them singing together while physically being overlayed as well.

But you have this one at the final chorus

You see Heart & Mind with the lighter split of Soul together but ALSO the Shadowy Man/the dark half of Soul. You can tell by the fact that none of them are holding a microphone but Shadow Bro is.

Now this has all probably been sad before (i cant remember if anyone did a theory for this honestly i have a bad memory)

But im going further.

So much stupidly further that im claiming these lines in The Whole World And You

Are not mind & heart singing but instead soul & the other half

But maybe technically are?

At that time, the () & [] werent indicating whether Heart & Mind were singing. They were just spitting up the duet lyrics to be more readable.

Yes, the Mind voice is there but the lyrics are more talking about having to be Whole again. Soul & Other One are talking about how them two split and eventually become Whole again. "I hope you're happy now ive merged dark and light" is especially talking about how dark & light/heart & mind are now together again. So the person singing isnt either of them. It sounds more of Whole talking to himself about being split and coming back together again. But the voices still sound like Heart & Mind as well as the lyric colors in the video being black & white (but spining into the opposite colors). Unless,

And this is quite stupid so much so that i dont rlly believe it and wont accept as canon when drawing them

But, at least at that point, the halves of Soul ARE Heart & Mind.

In a way at least. Soul is also his own person/self as well shown by how he talks in TSE & Two Wuv. But he also has lines like "I can feel them stew" in Night or "I won't hesitate to kill my Heart & Mind. I will abdicate these deviants sat inside" or the entire 2nd verse in Two Wuv. Its why he's called the vessel as well, Whole spilts into Heart & Mind leaving Wholes Identity & Self behind. Soul IS his own self (being Wholes identity) but also your emotional & logistical side are apart of your identity as well. Which is why the combined photos in the end of Light are at first split color soul are each halves/are on the sides of Heart & Mind, but also one of all 4 of them being overlayes together with the halves of Soul as full bodies. (Also goes into to the fact CJs original name for Soul was Body a bit as well) . Also why the album cover is Heart & Mind as 2 halves with Soul as the Mask & Whole being the hand that holds it (shown by the nailpolish colors)

Okay im done i originally just wanted to rant about Soul & Two Wuv cos i relate to them a lot. But i had a silly idea and wanted to type it out.

So in an incomprehensible conclusion, there might be 2 Souls/2 halfs of Soul (one of them might sorta be Whole) but they also might be Heart & Mind finally agreeing with the other.

Or something idk im tired and i find this HILARIOUS so im posting it hi

#writing this when my brain isnt properly working so ignore any spelling mistakes or incomplete thoughts #also if anything is contradictory to what CJ said in the QnA #shush hes wrong/j #chonny jash #chonnys charming chaos compendium

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twinkodium · 5 months

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oscar fell first but lando fell harder

not even gonna say "am i right?" because i know i am

No denial on my part, that’s EXACTLY how it happened. Based on the fact of Oscar being a fanboy of Lando since he joined the same karting team. Already lurking on his insta page and appeared in his likes 😌 The whole 2020 hornet agenda, when he was commenting under Lando’s post and a few days later tagging him just to say hornets are indeed terrifying 🤭🤭 He was following what’s happening to Lando, knowing exactly when he got his first ever podium (revealed in the latest sponsored video), how he forgot Max’s birthday in a stream, how he knows Lando snores loudly (personal experience I’M SURE) and pretending not knowing how many siblings Lando has when he followers Oliver on insta 😏 Tried to not come across as a creep, needed to tune it down a little 😂 Don’t even mention the fact, how he looks at Lando like he hang the moon and thinks he might will disappear if he averts his eyes 🥺 the continuous lip licking when he stares at Lando longer, how his cheeks heat up when Lando gets closer or looking back (especially in the earliest videos), laughing at his stupid jokes like it was the funniest shit ever, doubling over almost falling out of his seat 😂 I noticed how he’s more comfortable lately around Lando, teasing and bullying him occasionally just being sassy on main.

Lando started to look back, used every opportunity to praise Oscar and even sometimes searched for him. Not sure what happened in Austin but they were glued to each other all weekend and the lyrics video killed me big time. Not only Oscar was eyefucking him nonstop and was ready to risk it and kiss Lando right then and there. Being fruity as hell. I really thought Lando is the more flirty one and man, how wrong I was 🤭 Horse riding is his secret talent, horse translates to Lando. He rides till he can’t no more apparently 😏

‘You'll be the prince, and I'll be the princess.’ When this line came up and Lando looked at Oscar I WAS DECEASED. How Oscar absentmindedly finished the lyrics and mind blew Lando, like he has said something extraordinary not just ‘yes’. 🥺

Lando’s love language is teasing and he uses every opportunity to get on Oscar’s nerves, trying to get a reaction out of him. God bless my guy, being chill as a cucumber and only laughing at him. Lando is so obsessed to make him laugh, every time he says something stupid he looks over to Oscar to check his reaction and only allows himself to smile or laugh if Oscar does it too 🥰 I’m sure he got attached to Lando over the first few months even more as he was helping him settle in the team and from their interaction, made sure he’s being loved and taken care of. It probably roped him in even more. ALSO Lando’s obsession of wanting to see Oscar in a thong or how he suggested he should go on a blind dating show like he wouldn’t be the only participant after scaring all the others away😂😂

The house of cards video reminded me of the early ones, when they were quite distant but having fun, only change is they just seemed to be comfortable around each other (not awkward), no need to overplay it just going with the flow.

The instagram recreating videos, OH WHAT A GEM! Clearly shows how Lando is in the leading role (in the team, not sure it applies to anything else 😌), helping Oscar. Giving him his cap, arranging the cards, etc. While Oscar is just staying back, blindly following Lando like a lost puppy. ‘You gotta find a chair, my friend.’ ‘I’m not trying to get a chair.’ 3 sec later. ‘Okay, we have a chair.’ HE CAN’T RESIST AND SAY NO TO LANDO 🤭🤭 We all remember how Oscar said that he was abandoned by his teammate in Silvo, and Lando’s ‘where has he gone?’ line reminded me of that moment. Literally couldn’t see him for 5 seconds and was already looking for him. THE DRINK BOTTLE!! I’m going feral over it, since @zokinus pointed out how Lando’s drink bottle was next to his helmet when they took the first pic, yet he went to snatch Oscar’s instead 😉 INDIRECT KISS INDIRECT KISS 😚

OHHH the road trip video. Still relatively new, and I had to watch it in little parts at first, rewatched later at least three times (especially when I screamed under Audrey’s post) 😂 The fact that Oscar is bigger and taller than Lando makes me scream so HARD, how Lando had to jump to get the keys 🥺 THE INTENSE EYE CONTACT all the way through the video 😭😭 the pictures!!! Oscar holding a fish with Lando being disgusted in the background, the awkward karaoke ones, Lando’s arm around Oscar’s neck while he grabs his waist!! THE SILVO POSE 🥰 the fond expression in Oscar’s eyes when he looks at Lando 🥺🥺🥺 THEY’RE EVERYTHING TO ME AND OWN MY HEART 🥰🥰

Wait, hold on, I almost forgot about the splunk sponsored video. It probably was filmed back around Silverstone, but doesn’t really matter, their dynamic speaks for itself. Lando is a bully once again, being the most annoying bitch ever. But Oscar also enjoys make him suffer and cringe whenever he moves the horn thingy close to his ear before pressing on it HAHAHA

The sparkling eyes as they look at each other MY GOD good for them 🤭🤭

OHH, you know what I almost left out? THE DEBRIEF VIDEOS especially from Japan and Brazil, but also from Zandvoort. Well, Japan, the first double podium. Andrea was LITERALLY cockblocking them. Lando really did place the trophy suggestively in front of his crotch while looking at Oscar when their BOSS were RIGHT THERE!!! Same with Brazil without the trophy foreplay 😂 but staring at each other over Andrea’s head like a married couple who was separated by an annoying family member at a family celebration dinner 😩

AAAAND ZANDVOORT! When the whole lip licking, lip biting started or was the most visible 😭😭 Naw, miss that gif as my header 😪 and talking about that weekend. The weird mask video 👀 Oscar let Lando touch his hair while all of us thought he’d duck away but nope, he let is play out and DID YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING?

OKAAAAY, I didn’t expect to rant so much. I’m truly obsessed with them and could talk for hours, but that’s it for today 🧡🧡

#asks #anon #oh lordie a novel like analysis #don’t take this too seriously #purely based on my observations and delusional #some of these are facts some of them are thoughts I’d like to be true 😩😩#Lando & Oscar #my papaya boys 🥹🧡

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deiscension · 3 months

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so when can we expect this dissection of that lyric for sqx huh 👀🍿

@deathfavor You can get it right this instant if may be allowed to pull an swd and lose my entire gotdamn head. This isn't as detailed or organized as I'd like to get with it because I want to pull very specific lines from the different arcs they're involved in but I'm going to summarize as best as I can!

First off I need to emphasize that I think as "unfair" as what happens to SQX is, I think it needed to happen. I am putting "unfair" in air quotes because I'm also a HX defender and as terrifying and life-altering as Black Water arc is for them, I also do not think SQX would lament how "unfair" any of it was after the proverbial dust has settled (that's a discussion for another time though because I have A Lot Of Thoughts about swd's beheading + the direct aftermath + SQX not wanting to ascend again + immediately seeking to descend and not be sought out again after willingly giving up their powers).

SQX loves SWD, MY/HX, and XL. I refuse to put past tense there too okay she's full of love for better or worse. Usually for worse. I digress. She loves them, but she doesn't know them. She thinks she does. She's had no reason to believe she didn't, and that she was running out of time to know them all. That's why things had to happen the way they did. That's the price of her ignorance. It's not a faultless thing even if it was never meant to be malicious. And my GOD, she's lived her whole life in layers and layers of ignorance, all of it heaped onto her. She can go her whole life loving with all her heart but she has to learn how to actually know others, too. Let me try to break down what I mean through the three specific characters I mentioned. I am going to try to keep this short-ish because I will elaborate more when I've got the braincells and quotes to go for it but!! Here we go.

Also before I get into it, I don't mean to say that she didn't know any of them at all. She knew them all in exactly the ways they wanted to be known, in my opinion; not all of it convenient or surface level either! And she's a fair more insightful about all three of them than one might notice on a first reading. But she's still missed key facets of each one-- if I may be a bit heavy-handed, she's blinded by the sun and stumbling through the shadows, thinking that because she can't see those shadows they're not there. And that's not how people work. So!

Xie Lian -- while it is very indicative of the type of loyal, rational (when necessary), ride-or-die, and kindhearted person SQX is when they defend him against PM and then against the Heavenly Court, it goes to show just how easily blinded they are. Don't get me wrong, it also says a lot about their ability to think for themself (that's another bone I have to pick with popular fanon interpretation of them LOL) and not bend to social convention/pressure. But they're also letting one interaction inform them against centuries of history. Granted, we aren't ever told how much SQX knows about XL before coming across him at Banyue Pass. However, considering the amount of officials that play nice with SQX, I can't imagine they wouldn't have heard all matter of gossip-- truth mixed with tales and the like. And then there's the whole "he had remembered the flower but forgotten about the sword" line: SQX knows XL as a gentle, level-minded, experienced person. They haven't yet contended with his personal history. This trait of theirs is a double-edged sword. I can't imagine they wouldn't have reflected on this after being left in the Heavenly Capital. They would've never meant any harm by not digging into XL's past, but how ashamed they must feel of trying to be a good, reliable friend while remaining ignorant of all his past troubles.

Shi Wudu - that's her brother! She LOVES her brother! He's given her the world, he's kept her safe, he was the only person she had for so long-- the only person who didn't try to take advantage of her pain and ignorance and just wanted what was best for her. He'd never lie to her, he'd never hurt her, he'd never belittle her, he'd never give her reason to fear him. Not in any way that's anything more than a temporary sibling tiff. Except he did. Time and time again, he did. And I'm not saying this to disparage SWD because especially after a second reading of BW arc, I know SWD loved them too, and he is a fascinating character. We need characters like him alright, just as much as we also need SQXs and HXs and XLs and HCs and so forth. There's so much that needs to be taken into account when examining SWD's behavior towards SQX and how frightened SQX is of her own brother even before discovering the truth-- and I'd love to get into it but maybe not here because I'm already rambling soooo much LSDKFJSDF. Back to the point. SWD loved her. But at what point does love become a cage? At what point does it become hands around your throat? SQX has no idea what all was sacrificed for her. She's not allowed to know. Yes there's the iconic "the one he feared most had been beside him all along" about Ming Yi but HAVE WE CONSIDERED HOW MUCH IT APPLIES TO SWD TOO. HAVE WE!!!! Because I am Considering and I am Dry-heaving at how on the nose it is for SWD too. I already talked a little bit about it (here) but in his efforts to secure a place in the heavens for himself and her, SWD became the exact thing SQX hated and feared the most. SWD is a mirror to the Reverend, at least in actions. Gobbling up lives without a second thought, using fear as a means of control, laughing in the face of another's undeserved and unearned misery, "we've lived good lives"-- EVERYTHING SQX fears is her brother. Her brother, who she loves so much but didn't know nearly well enough.

I'm planning on doing a whole Shi sibling meta but I need to read through a few more passages with SWD first because while my brain is not particularly big I also refuse to misinterpret his character on purpose just because I sometimes want to give him a swift kick to the ass. SWD my beloathed-loved. Idk. Bestworst shitass brother. Still meditating upon that one though because they are both unreliable narrators with each other and XL is an unreliable narrator too so I have much to think about.

He Xuan - [gripping your shoulders and looking into your eyes] Help Me God I Am About To Explode. Where Do I Begin. I'm not gonna lie the first time I heard this part:

I was a kid until I fixed it Tore into a love affair Between me and what wasn't there Oh, I was kissing you Just to feel the air

my brain was like 'wow S.arah K.insley that's so SQX reflecting on her time with MY/HX you're so right'. Which is what led me to thinking even more about all SQX's other relationships too. I know fandom has a lot of contention in how to read into their relationship pre-BW arc and post-BW arc. Frankly I am here to cry as hard as I can and as long as I can so based on my second reading of BW arc + the way SQX acts with both MY/HX and comparing it to how she is with everyone else, I think her feelings with MY/HX are deeper than they're often given credit for. SQX is "friends with everyone", sure. But to HER, MY is her first true friend. Her most beloved, most trusted, most treasured friend. And she never really knew him. Oh, we can point the finger at him and say "well, he was pretending to be someone he wasn't, she wouldn't have found anything out either way". To that I say yes-- and I'm sure SQX did try to poke around for more, but she's so carefree and trusting, it seems logical to me that she would've taken his prickliness and closed-off nature as "just how he is".

All we have about her social life before ascending is pure speculation. I know I'm not presenting good evidence for my reasoning at the moment (I really want to cook up a post about the type of sheltered life SQX lived because all that spoiling and opulence came in after being brought into the middle court-- like yes SWD spoiled them by always being the one to take care of the difficult things, but again! Another topic for later! I have much to say about SQX's learned helplessness there). SQX didn't have anyone but her ge. I'm sure she had "lots of friends" in the Middle Court too. But she didn't have a capital-f-Friend. And then-- she has MY! Someone who's not trying to get to her brother through her (LOLLLLLLLL), someone who doesn't disappear during times of storm, someone who doesn't disguise their true nature or intentions for the sake of personal gain (LOL x2). Well I'm laughing there but again- HX defender. I digress, again. SQX isn't latching onto MY out of pure convenience. If SQX wanted to befriend someone who goes along with all her whims, never gives her a hard time, and plays coy for her amusement, she has thousands to choose from. Hell her brother could've picked for her. But she wants MY as her best friend and closest confidant. It would've been so easy for her to dump him on his ass and chase after best friend status with XL if all her clinging to MY was purely informed by self-interest and the desire to feel good about herself all the time. They themself even say that XL has earned "second best friend" status during the beginning of BW arc, all while XL is objectively the only person giving her tangible comfort. She doesn't just want a best friend, she wants her best friend Ming-xiong. My god! He's the first they cry out for at what's arguably their lowest: right after willingly giving up their power, when it turns out their brother is the type of person they've always feared the most, when it's clear they cannot save anyone, they cannot even save themself.

And oh, how she wanted to be the same for him! She risked HC's wrath (or at least she thought she was, which is also so funny in greater context) to "rescue" him. She would've done anything for him. Except she couldn't. She didn't know him. She failed him so terribly, so miserably, so shamefully. Him and everyone else who loved him and actually knew him, the ones who died so she could have a life she hadn't earned. We both know how agonizing those moments in the Nether Water Manor-- but what about the aftermath? What about when it was just them stumbling around, after the fear and shock had worn off, with nothing but their own audacious words echoing around in their head? "This whole thing has nothing to do with Ming-xiong, but he had to suffer like this". THEY DIDN'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT! And they said it with such grief then-- well, what about now? How much worse had they made his suffering? Had he felt nothing but revulsion that whole time? Had she made his loneliness, his suffering, his weariness worse? All those times she told him not to worry, all those times spent fussing over him, (trying to) dote on him, looping her arm through his and pulling him this way and that. Did it mean anything at all? He was her best friend, he was who she wanted at her side, but who was she to him? Was he ever really there?

But SQX is too empathetic to only think about herself when it comes to such pains. Once the wallowing wore off, how often did she spend wondering about him? Knowing that of anyone in the heavens and on earth, he was the one deserving of the good life, he was the one deserving of someone who loved him for who he was. What a fool she was for thinking she was that someone! She couldn't even call the right name. She did indeed cause the death of her closest family. She did indeed cause the death of her best friend. And what can she do? What can she say? Sorry doesn't bring anyone back; sorry doesn't make everything better; sorry doesn't make up for being unworthy of the time she squandered at his side, all because she didn't know. Ignore, for a moment, the fear and trauma now casting impenetrable shadows over the image of "her best friend", and consider: by any grace yet again unearned, could she ever accept an offering of forgiveness for such grievances?

I know SQX is doing "fine" as a mortal, she has friends that don't just want something out of them, and I know she's taking better care to practice knowing along with loving. But it just kills me how all her life she has had "everything" but nothing at the same time. None of it was hers. She did nothing to earn it, no matter how much she as a person deserved it. What's deserved without earned, after all?

#▌ ◈ ooc ; ⌜ he fucking ascended again! ⌟#▌ ◈ SHI QINGXUAN ; ⌜ study ⌟#deathfavor #collapses into a boneless heap in front of you. TYSM FOR ASKING BRIT. I'M IN SHAMBLES.#don't uh. don't mind how long the last bit is.#i have a lot of feelings and thoughts about all sqx's canon relationships #but i in particular have Many Many thoughts and Many Many feelings about sqx and hx #'short-ish' [folds my hands in my lap and smiles beatifically] i love being a liar!

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