#3) yesterday was the first day i had to myself so i binged julie and the phantoms. and i loved it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pjstafford · 3 years

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A Look at my 2020

The end of the year is upon us. It’s been a tough one for all of us. It is a year we will all remember forever. I want to do a positive reflection of this year. I will probably write a blog about what I hope our country’s New Years Resolutions should be. The thoughts on that have been rolling around my head for a few days. But today, December 16, at 4:30 a.m. and unable to sleep, that 2020 familiar dread of what will happen today waking me early, I want to look at some positives. I want to unwrap the positives of 2020 like a Christmas gift before Christmas so that I can wrap myself in them as a blanket of warmth. One thing that I have been truly impressed with is the resilience of the human spirit. Let’s call this a resilience exercise.

Counting my blessings one by one...

1. I am alive. Surviving is a cause for celebration. As far as I know I have been COVID free...although there were a few days in April or early May when I was sick with something and in Feb I had the strangest cold in my life and this time last year weeks of fatigue ended in frozen shoulder syndrome on Christmas Eve. See, I want to be thankful, but I don’t want to be naive in my retrospection. Best to be honest. I’m not sure if I had COVID or not, but if I did I survived with relatively minor symptoms. Every cough or sniffle I feared in a completely irrational way was COVID. There was the week I walked around sniffing everything to make sure I could still smell. It dawns on me it is going to be difficult to write a honest and, yet, positive, retrospective of 2020. I am alive, but I have never been less healthy. I’ve gained weight. I haven’t had the physical exercise to which I am accustomed and now when I try to take a long walk I realize my stamina is gone. It will take years of concentrated effort once things are “back to normal” for me to become normal again. It wasn’t that I didn’t try. I did yoga daily in the Spring and switched to an online Tai chi class in the summer, but I don’t live near beauty or anything interesting so wasn’t motivated to walk and just my everyday life of lockdown in a studio apartment meant less movement. All of which sounds even to me like not very good justification. Did I mention though that I survived. I am alive. I will take that as blessing number one.

2. No one I care about very deeply has died or even been seriously ill from COVID. Doesn’t March 2020 seem far away? I don’t want to be dismissive of 300;000 dead especially with more to come. I or someone I love could still be gone by New Years Day. But in March and April we held our breaths for an apocalypse and at some point most of us decided to take a breath. I don’t know really if it’s good or bad that we have simply adjusted our normal and the number deaths we are willing to accept. It’s bad, what am I saying? It’s bad. But how long can we wait in fear? So I don’t know, but I want to count as a blessing that those I love have all survived to date. I cannot vanquish the fear, but I can be grateful for survival.

3. I have maintained employment in a bad economy and have mostly been able to work from home. There have been some struggles. Sometimes the work I do is depressing. Sometimes I feel I don’t make a difference. There has never been a worse time to be an advocate...or a person with disability, or a caregiver, or a provider agency, or a health care professional. I have maintained employment.

4. I count among my blessings the fact that I had a wonderful 2020 before....remember there was a 2020 before. I love when my work takes me to Santa Fe for a prolonged time. A friend came out in Feb for a wonderful weekend. Another friend came to Albuquerque to see me for my birthday in early March. I remember thinking how social I was in those first ten weeks in 2020. It’s as if I somehow knew....it sustained me.

5. I count among my blessings that when I felt my mental health despair getting at its worse...the strain of living alone in a studio apartment, working from that same apartment and following the Governor orders not to go or do anything. ..that I had friends and two weekends of “risky” behavior; a friend who came for the Fourth of July holiday and an out of state trip to Durango in late September. I’m fortunate that when I had to have human contact my closest friends were there for me

6. I count as my blessings that Biden won the election. It’s not simply a matter of politics. I’m not sure if the last eight months of the Trump Presidency wasn’t worse for my morale than the pandemic because Trump kind of lost whatever semblance of sanity he had. Part of the trepeditation over what each new day will bring is what Trump will say, do, tweet, exacerbate. I still fear revolution in the street before Jan 20. The pandemic is not the worse of what America has gone through. That’s the oddest thing about this year.

7. Here is the blessing which probably will be unpopular. The lockdown and stress of all we have experienced is tough, but the slowdown is a blessing for me. My life had gotten pretty busy. While I miss travel, it’s ok for a year not to have had the time suck that travel for work entails. I will be so happy the first work trip I get to go on, but I feel like 2020 has given me the gift of time. It’s odd because, like many, my creative sense has suffered. I have written almost nothing. Still, I often think of a Dylan lyric, maybe in the next life I will be able to hear myself think. I could hear myself think this year. Unfortunately I thought about the existentialist angst of the meaning of life and my failures as a human being and I don’t think there is enough time still to process the effects of the pandemic and I’m sick to death of the sound of my thoughts, but....I have been given this unique gift of time. Even on December 16th I am not rushed to shop, to cook, to decorate, to go to a zillion parties. It’s a different year. The Holiday will still come. It is pleasant not to feel urgency over, let’s face it, non-urgent things. I am mentally and emotionally fatigued, but not nearly as physically exhausted as I was this time last year

8. The next one is a big one. The gift of living in the moment. I have spent my entire life since 7th grade when Miss O’Neil gave me a copy of The Rubyait of Omar Khayyam trying to live with the philosophy of living for the now. Clear the cups of past regrets...tomorrow, why I may be myself with yesterday’s seven thousand years. The only time I have ever truly experience this is in a handful of concert experience. Even now, I fear for my future and I blame myself for my mistakes. Still, my relationship with time has changed. There is the sun rising and setting and that is a day. Seasons will change. But the gift of time means I can approach my day differently. When five o clock comes on a workday, a needed nap is a step away. No where to go on a Friday night... no where I can go...means the weekend rhythm exists only as I define it. The simple pleasures we always take for granted mean something more now. There is a coffee truck that stops near me on Fridays and Saturdays. When it first started stopping I was over the moon that I could walk and get a latte with fairly little risk. If I go to the grocery store and have a conversation with a stranger, it is different than it was before. Mindfulness exercise and meditation is one thing, but nothing can compare with this year to further my lessons in this pursuit. May I take the lesson with me into years to come.

9. Zoom...yes, of course I have zoom fatigue. But five friends in five different states having a monthly drink together on zoom is a benefit of the pandemic. I watched a movie this year with someone who lives in Brazil. I celebrated a friend’s sixtieth person even though I couldn’t be with her. I’ve attended book discussions and readings in New York and I already have tickets to an event in March. Kind of love New York. I’ve never been there in person. Just a lot happens there. Educationally and socially the world is now open to me. I am not limited to what is going on in my community. I hope this doesn’t completely go away.

10. Finally, storytelling and music. I found it hard to read new things in the lockdown for a while, but in March friends asked me to a virtual book club of three books I already read and we reread them together which took us into the summer. I rediscovered the Foundation series of Asimov and suddenly I could read again! My favorite book I’ve read published in 2020 is Jess Walter’s The Cold Million. I did read a digital advance copy of David Duchovny’snew book due out in 2021 and it is, in fact, the breakout novel I knew this hot young writer would eventually write. Looking forward to 2021 book club! I finally binged Breaking Bad and The Travelers as well as The Queens gambit and watched Peanut Butter Falcon. I am doing a disability focused watch on the X Files and I better kick it it the rear because I’m presenting on it in Feb. at a conference. My God, Dylan put out his first original music in eight years. It will take me eight years to fully ingest it and enjoy it. You see, no matter what happens, humanity will tell its stories and gather to make its songs. It’s that human resilience. Creation of art is not trivial. It’s vital. It has continued in this odd and strange year. It is humanity’s greatest gift and I have definitely used it this year as a resilience and growth tool.

Those are my top blessings in this horrific and, yet, wondrous year. However, you have been impacted, what we all share in common is that In a very short time it will be a memory of a year in the past.

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vanilla-tea-ana · 5 years

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this is my diary because i have no followers except porn blogs and i'm tired of venting to my one (1) friend that knows i have ana

At home I never starved myself, I usually ate 400-1000 calories a day, depending on how hungry I was. Never fasted, never binged. Mostly ate in front of people etc. Nobody was worried. I went from 63.2 (20 april) to 57.2 (20 july) So 6 kg in 3 months. At first I ate a larger amount of calories per day and lost the weight slowly, healthily. All good.

So, I'm on a trip to India for 3 weeks. I started it on monday. Both my parents (I'm here only with my dad) know I want to lose weight. I don't think i have an eating disorder because I usually eat when I'm hungry, I just eat a little less than the typical dieter. I used to have a hardcore ed last year, like, eating 50kcal in a day and burning 400, but that's too extreme for me.

Well, mon-thu I ate like a normal person who wants to lose weight. Like a small breakfast and 1 bigger meal at around 6pm. Since we're backpacking in India we can only eat the street food/restaurants, and there's no European food a n y w h e r e. So I mostly ate steamed rice with some vegetable sauce/soup. But I just got PMS. And yesterday I was so moody. I fought with my dad a little for some dumb thing that we made up about 5 minutes later. But it made me sad. And when I'm sad, my appetite DROPS. So I skipped the big meal. That means I only ate 2 pieces of toast with a very thin spread of jam all day. And the same thing happened today, except I had nausea and felt sick. Like, not all the time, only at the thought of food. So I only ate 2 pieces of toast and 2 hard boiled eggs (340kcal) today. And i remembered the amazing feeling of being hungry. Of not having a full stomach, just drinking water. It's so amazing and I don't want to stop. But I have to. We have 12 days left and my dad has noticed how little I'm eating. I tell him the truth, because I wasn't purposefully "starving" for the last few days, and he understands, but he says I really have to eat more. First of all, for energy. You need calories to survive. Second of all, it's not healthy and not a good way to lose weight. (He told me I was gonna lose weight on the trip before, because spicy food makes you full faster, food isn't always available and you often don't feel like eating Indian food and just want an apple.)

And he also said, "you can't lose too much weight on this trip, because if you lose like 3kg your mom will be mad at me". I knew that, but the sentence blew my mind. 3kg?? That would mean I'd weigh like 54.2 kg. That's a number I've only d r e a m e d about. I haven't been this light for so long. It means I'd fit into those old jeans that I promised myself I'd fit into before the start of the school year (1. september), but later gave up on because I'd have to lose a lot of weight in a too-short amount of time. I'd rather take my time than starve myself too much and binge later. But the last time I wore those jeans was when I was around 54 kg. Which means I could do that. And I'd have 3 more weeks of vacation at home and i could lose even more. 53. 52. I realistically cannot imagine being 53 kg. My arms would be so small. I'd almost have a B cup again. My face would be so small. My collarbones and jawline so prominent. I'd probably get a thigh gap. All that. Realistically. Me. Me. Me.

But he said I mustn't lose that much weight. But I want to. So so badly. I don't know what to do. If I come home and find out I've only maintained through these 3 weeks, I'll be really, really sad. But I don't want to starve myself and I don't want to make my parents worried.

But gosh, gosh, gosh, the numbers on the scale...

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skinniplease · 5 years

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I’m fucking sick

So here’s my story.

When I was 13 my family and I were visiting my family in California (in July). They were all weighing themselves and told me to step on. I was 5’0 tall and the scale read 135 lbs. My step mom exclaimed that I was too heavy and needed to lose weight. I cried myself to sleep that night and starved myself the entire next day. The next night I got drunk. The day after that, I barely ate. The week went on with me barely eating.

When we came home I went vegetarian in some attempt to lose weight. (The moral reasons came after.) I also stopped eating breakfast and lunch and would only eat small amounts at dinner time. Because I was vegetarian, I was able to make my own meals instead of eating my family’s greasy food. Almost everyday I ate a sandwich with smashed avocado and chickpeas in place of mayo with red peppers, spinach, tomatoes, and a vegan jalapeño cheese. I wasn’t vegan at the time but I wanted to cut out some fats so I didn’t eat very much dairy. In two months I went from 135 to 108.

I started school again that September (14 years old). My classmates were shocked at my size. My xs yoga pants were a little baggy. My ex boyfriend asked me if I was sick. Like seriously sick. He thought I had cancer.

I didn’t like looking sick but I did like being skinny. I made it a goal to slowly put some weight on. It took me 6 months to get to 112 lbs and I stayed there for about two years. During this time I still didn’t eat breakfast, I only ate lunch like 2x a week. For dinner I lived off of mac n cheese and blueberry waffles. If I ate too much and felt guilty, I puked. All of my lunch money went to weed, booze, and shrooms (16 years old). Blueberry waffles were my munchies. Then I got caught with weed in my moms house. I got in a lot of trouble and wasn’t allowed to be home alone. I started to eat more fruits which then made me put on more weight but I didn’t try to stop it. I wasn’t happy about it but I just managed it. I maintained 125 for a while. My parents made me go to the gym with them 6 days a week because they wouldn’t leave me at home. I worked out for 1 1/2 hours 6 days a week. 3 days a week I also did an hour long yoga class before my workout. My weight dropped to 118 but I was very toned and thin. I looked great.

When they finally let me be alone after 9 months of being grounded, I started smoking cigarettes. When I didn’t have them, I ate a ton. They curbed my appetite. (My weight went back up to 125.)Every morning before school I made myself an iced coffee and left my house with enough time for me to drive around for 20-30 minutes before school so I could smoke and just relax. That stopped when I totaled my car doing exactly that (17 years old).

I had just started dating my (current) boyfriend a month before. Within a year I gained 30 pounds. I went back to eating meat and we ate A LOT of junk food. In year two I gained another 30 pounds before I really noticed how big I’d gotten. One day I weighed myself and saw I was now 186 lbs. Holy shit how did that happen? That was December of 2017 (19 years old).

I knew I needed to lose weight but I was terrified I’d relapse into my eating disorders so I put it off. Finally after 3 months, I decided I’d try but I knew I needed to be very careful so I didn’t slip. I lost 10 pounds. Then I went to visit my family in Cali again and literally ALL they cooked all two weeks was fried food. I ate everything in moderation but still felt like shit. When I came back home after 16 days, I had gained 6 lbs back. I gave up.

From March to September of 2018 I tried SO many diets. None of them worked well enough for me. All of my friends were encouraging me to lose weight but didn’t understand how dangerous that was, even though I told them all about my past. After failing to lose weight so many times I started to feel like maybe there was something else going on. My thyroid gland was swollen so I started to think maybe it just couldn’t happen for me and gave up. In October I was at my grandparents house and decided to step on the scale. I was 184 lbs. FUCK! Why did I let myself get back here?!

The next two days while I was there I ate around 800 cals and logged them all. The rest of the week, under 600 cals. I couldn’t stand the thought of being that weight anymore so I just gave in. In one week I dropped 6 lbs. It was mostly water weight. After that first week I maintained for 10 days and that really fucked me up. The next week I dropped another 3 lbs and thought my plateau was over. Nope, there it goes again for 7 days. Since then I’ve been losing in 1 lb incriminates every 3-4 days. I now switch up my calorie intake. Monday’s and Tuesday’s I eat around 1,000-1,200 and the rest of the week I eat under 800. Wednesday’s are kinda hard for me for a lot of reasons so I pretty much always go over on Wednesday’s ):

Sunday night of this week I started a fast. I was aiming for 24 hours but by the time I knew it, I was at 36. So I thought I’d try to stretch it to 48. Tuesday morning I woke up in a sweat because I couldn’t figure out how to lie to my boyfriend about not eating that day. We always go out to eat on tuesdays. I spent 6 hours curled in a ball on the couch panicking waiting for him to wake up. Then when we left, he kept asking if I was okay because I wouldn’t make eye contact and I seemed off. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. I was trying to stop the war in my head about breaking my fast at 40 hours. I felt like such a failure but I knew if I didn’t break it, he’d catch on.

Yesterday, I ate a low calorie breakfast and an hour later binged on a bunch of junk. 15 minutes later I felt like shit about myself and saw a photo of 5 lbs of fat and ran to the bathroom to puke. I don’t want that. Why’d I binge? I ate 800 calories in 10 minutes. Wtf. So I purged until it physically hurt to do it anymore. I’m sure I didn’t get it all though. I felt so much better. About 6 hours later, I had dinner and then binged AGAIN. So I immediately said I was going to take a shower and turned on the water and purged again. I tried to be quiet but I couldn’t so I had to stop halfway through. I feel like shit because I couldn’t even do that right.

When I got out of the shower he asked me “were you coughing up a lung in there?”

“Yeah”

“Yeah every now and then I heard *makes choking noise* and thought dang I hope she’s not getting sick in there”

I couldn’t look him in the eye and I got in bed. I feel so shitty about lying.

Now I’m afraid to eat anywhere other than home in case I feel the urge to throw up. I don’t want to deal with bulimia again. Anorexia is bad enough as it is. My relapse yesterday is really fucking me up. Puking isn’t fun and it doesn’t feel good but it felt good to lose control for a minute and then rid my body of it. It made me feel like I gained back some control.

But now I’m scared to eat anything simply because I don’t want to make myself feel guilty and purge. I don’t know what to do.

Also, it’s pretty fucking sad I’ve been dealing with this off and on and at different extremes since I was 13 years old. I’m fucking 20 now. I thought I recovered in late high school but looking back, I’m not sure I did...

#ana #anorexia #mia #bulimia #eating disorders #ednoz #thinspo #weightloss #binge #purge #restricting #don't binge #anorexic #bulimic

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jennystudy · 6 years

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well its hogmanay which means 2017 is about to come to a close, therefore what better time than to reflect on the year. but rather than talking too much about myself, below are some of my recommendations ( or things i watched/read/listened to etc. ) of the past year !!

W A T C H E D

Orphan Black ( S 5 ) - its the end of an era. i’m so sad this show is over and i’m going to miss all the crazy science and seestras.

Call the Midwife ( S 6 ) - there will never come a day when i don’t adore this show, seriously everyone should watch it! series six was amazing and i can’t wait till series seven starts.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt ( S 3 ) - i definitely binged this the weekend it came out… i love them all so much.

Madam Secretary ( S 1,2 + 3 ) - i discovered this show by chance and binged it all over the summer. now its safe to say its one of my favourite shows ever. also elizabeth mccord must be protected at all costs.

Galavant ( S 1 + 2 ) - a short and silly musical comedy series that i finally watched all of over spring break. a great pick me up when i’m taking things too seriously.

R E A D

Call the Midwife by Jennifer Worth - i finally got around to reading this book and as heartbreaking as it could be, i thoroughly loved it.

Flesh and Blood by Stephen McGann - a wonderful book looking into the authors family history through the eyes of illness and disease. excellent writing and gripping from start to finish. i also had the privilege of meeting the author ( and star of call the midwife - sense a trend? ) during the summer.

Dumplin’ by Julie Murphy - i read this cute little book for book club and i enjoyed it so much ( except for the very end, sorry ).

Girl Unknown by Karen Perry - read this suspenseful thriller much earlier in the year, and while it wasn’t what i first expected i quite enjoyed it none the less.

Resistance is Futile by Jenny Colgan - aliens, maths, romance and a cast of hilarious characters, this book was so fun too read! i was also lucky enough to meet the author of this novel during the summer as well.

L I S T E N E D (they are all musicals.. sorry)

Falsettos - i’m so happy i decided to give this show a listen because it truly is phenomenal ( and was r o b b e d at the tonys ).

Evita - why have i not listened to this before this year?? i love everything about it from the rock opera vibes to the plot/story itself. and as unpopular as this opinion may be, elena is probably my favourite eva.

The Pirate Queen - yes another musical, yes its also based on a historical figure. the irish themes in this music are a joy to listen to and sjb is incredible. that is all.

Come from Away - i’m doing anything right now to see this show live bc it means so much to me. the music itself is really fun to listen to but its the story that drives me to tears every time. ( also robbed at the tonys ).

Anastasia - i love russian history, and i love this film, so duh i loved this. all the new songs make me super happy, especially ‘in a crowd of thousands’ and ‘land of yesterday’.

P E R S O N A L

I started a studyblr - on may 12th of this year i decided to make this blog on whim and over 20k followers later here we are! thank you all so much.

I finished my 11th grade year with honours with distinction - that academic year definitely had some ups and downs but hey, i made it.

I started exercising more - baby steps. baby steps.

I started uni apps - and planning out my future after graduations. not gonna lie, its kinda scary.

I gained confidence - mostly through my performing, and i am super proud of what i was able to do on stage.

while somethings about this year could have been better, i want to thank everyone out there who did make my 2017 great. here’s to a fantastic and prosperous 2018 !!

#jenny.txt

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ccwandco · 5 years

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Thursday, July 4th, 2019 - 3:47 AM

Happy Independence Day, I guess. I don’t have to work tomorrow (today)! Mom and dad are going to the Pops concert, but I think we’re going to do some fun stuff outside before they leave. I know that I’m going to binge tomorrow (today), I honestly have just accepted the fact that that’s going to happen. Besides, I was on track today. Around 1,000 calories. I had some bad diarrhea, which could be due to my change in diet or the sugar alcohol in all the gum I chewed. It was bubblemint flavor and reminded me of those dentist visits where I got my cavities filled when I was younger. Hey, that was technically my first experience with drugs! Besides being on track today wasn’t that great. Not terrible either though. Siddhi left work early because she wasn’t feeling good. I don’t mind working by myself, but sometimes it can be a hassle. That’s usually Sundays though, when I’m literally ALWAYS the only one there. I was supposed to work until 8 but I thought I went until 9. I didn’t even realize until around 8:30, so I kind of just left work right then and called dad to come pick me up. So the day was pretty OK, could’ve been worse. College is getting ever-closer and I’m getting more nervous that I won’t be prepared. My first piece of new wardrobe came in the mail today. The button up flare hem jeans. They fit pretty well. I took some pictures of myself in them and they look really good. I felt good. Maybe I’m not actually ugly, maybe I just dress horribly. And my skin sucks. I hope tomorrow is fun enough to make me forget I’ll be binging. I’m on a three day streak of exercise.

TMM: average

Acne: same as yesterday I guess

New Music: Amnesia Was Her Name by Lemon Demon

New Word: N/A

Last Song Listened to on Spotify: (currently listening) No One’s Sleeping by Deerhunter

Current Events: Disney removed some clip from a “blooper reel” in Toy Story 2 that was deemed offensive...the whole ordeal was idiotic in my opinion

Last Google Search: “how to set a ringtone on iphone”

Last Text Sent: “rather disappointing” : Braydin

Last YouTube Video Watched: Should Transgender Girls Be On Girls’ Track Teams? Megyn Kelly Roundtable

Instagram Followers: 171!

POTD: Siddhi because I felt bad for her

Highlights: planning to see Lily on Sunday, receiving my jeans and looking GREAT in them, taking some damn good pictures (even if they are a bit cringy), getting to leave work earlier than anticipated, starting to actually watch That 70’s Show again, NOT BINGING, Andrew Volpe accepting my follow request (even if for a stupid reason)

Lowlights: being pissed for no reason, exhaustion, diarrhea & feeling sick, feeling gross, not wanting to listen to a second album today, Instagram acting up, not knowing I was supposed to leave work at 8, having to put on makeup, hating my skin

Overall Score: 6.9/10, nice

To Work On: keeping on track, and going to sleep earlier!!!

Yesterday’s Goal Accomplished?: halfway

#daily review

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hundredbillionbottles · 7 years

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Just Chugging Along

A new coffee shop opened in Nailsea while I was away, replacing a pub which I had never been in and which was always skipped on even the biggest of pub crawls. I met Daisy there yesterday. Daisy is a girl in the school year below mine, just finished her A Levels, who is going to Colombia in January, enrolled in the same Gap Student Programme as I finished about a month and a half ago. She wanted to ask some questions about the job, the country, the culture, and I found myself almost self-indulgently spewing out any relevant information that popped into my head, rarely pausing to take breath. It felt good to rant so gleefully about my time away, instinctively babbling out advice and recommendations, having an answer to every question that she asked and seeing the nerves and excitement build in her as the conversation went on. It was like a confirmation that it had indeed happened, that I hadn’t just imagined or dreamed it; it was real and I loved it enough to want someone else to love it too.

In the nigh-on-month I’ve been home, the coffee shop is the only thing in Nailsea that appears to be new. A couple of shops and business ventures finding their feet in the town centre in January had ran out of legs by July it would seem, but everything else is basically the same; the same faces are scattered round The Moorend Spout on quiz night; the usually interchangeable neighbours in the house next to mine look as if they are the same; the buses are so late that they’re technically early in proximity to the next one, and the wind blows the first days of August silly and cold. Spoons is dead on weeknights and rammed on Friday and Saturday, full of the local football heroes, the ‘hands-on’ figures of the community, the hard-workers, the pre-drinkers, the students back from uni (usually grouped together with the pre-drinkers), and a small congregation of twats in the corner. And in the morning we all step outside to the same smell of horse shit and weed, the latter of which was so strong this past week that it actually made headlines in the North Somerset Times. But amidst all the similarities, I feel the comforting pass of time through every conversation I have. My friends for the most part are happier, more grounded in the people they are and want to be and firmly on their paths to achieve that. Nearly everyone I bump into has something to show for the past half-a-year; Ellie finished her first year at university with a first; Cop’s started designing and printing his own clothes; I haven’t seen Cara yet but she finished her A Levels as is currently blessing the States with her ridiculousness; I saw my old work-friend Genevieve in a play devised by her and her theatre company, whose existence I only knew of beforehand through snippets of conversation over early morning mass sandwich production. Hell, to be fair to them, the twats in the corner at spoons have progressed in some way, in that they’re into harder drugs now. So although the town itself is as still as it’s always been, I’ve returned in exciting times. I can feel everyone starting to get into their stride, transforming from school friends into real people.

I had a fantastic time in the States. I loved travelling, or rather vacationing alone, making my own spontaneous plans each day and meeting several other travellers whom I’d met the night before for breakfast. I drank malts with a couple from Brighton in Atlanta, I ate fried chicken with biscuits and gravy with a guy from London in Asheville, I sat at the counter in a roadside diner and chatted with the waitress and an older gentleman next to me about how ‘things ain’t how they used to be no more’. I went back to the same diner the next day and the same waitress (also named Alex) asked if I wanted ‘the usual’. From Asheville, I went on a 3-day hike up in the Smokey Mountains and saw a sunset atop Gregory Bald, the awe-striking beauty of which I thought could only exist in Google Images, with all the orange and purple oozing into the clouds and the steam rising from between the slumbering peaks and valleys. I saw 3 members of B.B. King’s band perform in Nashville and, in Memphis, stood in the spot where Elvis Presley first recorded and sat at the piano that he, Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins and Jerry Lee Lewis all crowded round in 1956. That day also happened to be the 4th of July; the rain had washed out the already deserted streets of Downtown Memphis, and I couldn’t foresee watching fireworks in the lashing rain at a place literally named Mud Island being any fun, so I watched the festivities from the balcony of the Airbnb with Aisha and Tom, two other lodgers I had just met who were roadtripping their way to New Orleans. Once satisfied that the last red, white and/or blue firework had burst, we watched ‘The Nightman Cometh’ musical episode of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

On the night I got back I hugged my Mum very tightly and went out to see my friends at the place where all roads lead to: Ringers. I walked there leisurely, like I’d never been gone, not having to even think about where I was going and what were the best roads to take. Ellie was waiting outside for me and like me she’d changed her hair to blonde, then Jess came, then Harvey appeared and sprang straight into the tale of how he got stuck in a door in the London Underground earlier that day, then Joe and Charlie came, then Cop, then Chris. All these faces I knew as well as the route to the pub came round the corner and exchanged grins with mine like a reunion episode of some sitcom that’d been off the air for years, or like that really lame scene at the end of The Lord Of The Rings. The more people who showed up, the more I melted back into the familiar flow or banter and inside jokes, so naturally and so easily, as if the night were a record that someone had taken the needle off of 6 months ago and had just put back down. In the days that followed I caught everyone up on what I had done and where I’d been and who I’d met, and in the weeks that followed I came to feel completely reintegrated into the ordinary Somerset Summer daze, crashing out on Golden Valley field, binge watching some TV show when the rain comes, turning up late for every social outing and crushing cans of cider in the garden of whoever’s been kind enough to offer it.

With every new day, everything feels more normal and Colombia feels a little further away. And as bliss as coming home has been, how much it came at exactly the right time, there are things and people that should be here but aren’t here and which Nailsea could never recreate. I think about my housemates from Bogotá every day. Those thoughts manifest in things as little as songs on the radio that I think they’d like or in grand visions of them bursting through the Spoons doors as part of some massively extravagant and completely-out-of-their-way surprise visit. I went to a rave in Bristol with Dom and I’m going to Norwich this weekend to see George, but as I write I suspect that Stephen and Ela may be wrapping up their extended travels in Bolivia and arriving at their respective homes in Roanoke, Virginia and the British Virgin Islands, so very far away. I realised on a dragging Greyhound journey from Atlanta to Asheville, miles and miles away from anyone I even remotely knew, that from now on, no matter where I go, it’s a certainty that I will be far away from at least one person that I love. This fact is actually a good thing, the slow dispersion of loved ones is a symptom of everyone finding their way and achieving their goals; I accept this, but I am still entitled to a touch of sadness every day when I don’t say ‘good morning’ to my friends in the Gap House and every time I go to bed without saying ‘good night’.

The stars over Nailsea are better than I remember. They splash and scurry across our countryside sky in ways I never saw in the orange, cloudy haze of the Colombian night. Sometimes walking back late from Charlie’s or Jess’, I crane my neck up at them and wish that my friends across the sea, in the States, in Spain, in the BVI, could see them, and then I remember that they probably can, and that’s a nice thought. To borrow some words once spoken by a sleepy, traffic-frustrated Stephen, life is ‘just chugging along’ everywhere, and everyone will keep achieving things and developing themselves and I’ll just be so proud of them all.

Be proud of what you’ve done so far this year, and if you feel like you haven’t done much then there’s still a lot of time left in it for you to change that.

#travel #writing #colombia #north somerset #usa #england #memphis #nashville #asheville #smokeymountains #atlanta #home #bogota

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elliotly · 7 years

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tag

tag! tagged by @lowercase-aesthetic thank you! answer the questions and tag people

THE LAST:  1. Drink: apple cider  2. Phone call: my mom  3. Text message:

- sent: Wait i thought u were going away from Aug. 6th to 16

- received: If it’s July then sure!!  4. Song you listened to: Purple People by Stop Light Observations  5. Time you cried: yesterday I think?  6. Dated someone twice: never  7. Kissed someone and regretted it: never  8. Been cheated on: never  9. Lost someone special: Uhhh like two years ago I think  10. Been depressed: Hmm maybe a year and a half?  11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: never

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: black, rose gold, dark blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:  15. Made new friends: yes  16. Fallen out of love: no  17. Laughed until you cried: I doubt it  18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes  19. Met someone who changed you: yes  20. Found out who your friends were: yes  21. Kissed someone on your fb list: I don’t have Facebook ??

GENERAL:  22. How many of your fb friends do you know irl: I don’t fucking have Facebook. as for Tumblr mutuals, I think 3?  23. Do you have any pets: yes  24. Do you want to change your name: sure  25. What did you do for your last birthday: nothing (I’d just come back from a school trip so I was being jetlagged I guess?)

26. What time did you wake up: 6:51 am

27: What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping  28. Name something you can’t wait for: traveling to meet up with my mom for a cool vacation  29. When was the last time you saw your mom: four days ago  30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish I were even more productive. And taller  31. What are you listening to rn: nothing

32. Have you talked to a person named Tom: yes  33. Something that is getting on your nerves: currently? uh not knowing enough about myself. also, less vaguely, the fact that I’m wasting my eyes/time binge watching hxh  34. Most viewed website: um? google I guess  35. Mole/s: uh a couple on my jawline I think? And like a one on my wrist and a few on my ankle  36. Mark/s: freckles, a scar on my wrist from cutting myself with my pinky nail by accident while I was flapping my hands for some reason lmao, random ones on my arms and legs from tripping all the time. I have some large ones on my legs. (my skin heals weird so I have a lot of scars.) also a circular birthmark on my side, as a kid I liked to think I was an animal that was shot in my last life  37. Childhood dream: writer, paleontologist  38. Hair colour: dark brown/black  39. Long or short hair: short  40. Do you have a crush on someone: Hahah no  41. What do you like about yourself: physically? I like my freckles and clear skin and most of my face  42. Piercings: none  43. Bloodtype: uh B something? Is that a thing?  44. Nickname: none  45. Relationship status: none  46. Zodiac: Aries  47. Pronouns: Any, I not-so-secretly do have a preference but I’m used to it all so as of yet idc  48. Favourite TV show: um this is really hard. probably Steven Universe  49. Tattoos: none  50. Right or left hand: right  51. Surgery: i had wisdom tooth surgery last year?  52. Piercing: as I said before, none  53. Sport: Haha none  55. Vacation: ? like where I would want to go? somewhere with little light pollution so I can photograph the Milky Way  56. Pair of trainers: I have these blue grey shoes I guess for P.E.

MORE GENERAL:  57. Eating: chicken  58. Drinking: apple cider  59. I’m about to: go downstairs to work on the Laverna puppet for OWAC  61. Waiting for: July 13th  62. Want: to stop stressing about little things  63. Get married: Uh idk what this is asking. If you mean if I want to get married then sure why not  64. Career: something to do with filmmaking

WHICH IS BETTER ?  65. Hugs or kisses: hugs  66. Lips or eyes: eyes  67. Shorter or taller: taller  68. Older or younger: older  70. Nice arms or nice stomach: I’ve been answering all of these in regards to myself btw. idk uh arms I guess?  71. Sensitive or loud: ok I’m going to answer this one as what I like in people bc idk for myself, so sensitive  72. Hook-up or relationship: idk relationship? idk though. if relationships in general, not just romantic, then def relationship

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: again, idk for myself. As for other people, I’d say hesitant because if I ever do something rash I need to be kept in check bc I have little to no self control

HAVE YOU EVER:  74. Kissed a stranger: no  75. Drank hard liquor: no  76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: yes  77. Turned someone down: yes  78. Sex on the fist date: no  79. Broken someones heart: idk no i think  80. Had your heart broken: no  81. Been arrested: no  82. Cried when someone died: yes  83. Fallen for a friend: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:  84. Yourself: yes  85. Miracles: yes  86. Love at first sight: yes  87. Santa Claus: no  88. Kiss on the first date: yes  89. Angels: ehh idk I’ve never given that much thought

OTHER:  90. Current best friends name: can’t pick one sorry  91. Eye colour: mines dark brown  92. Favourite movie: fantastic mr. fox

I tag @infestedbanana @t-rex-tinyarms @slightlyraspberry @miscellaneousphoenix @hellofanpeoples

#about me #tag

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fiere-violet · 7 years

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A Sunday Tag

I was tagged by @ardently-autumn, thank you, darling!!!

1) Are you named after someone?

nope. why can’t i be named after the great madame pompadour, jeanne-antoinette poisson :’-(

2) When was the last time you cried?

watching me before you about a month ago. man, i am growing too sensitive in the last months

3) Do you like your handwriting?

it’s ok but it has to evolve into a bizarre level

4) What is your favourite lunch meat?

i’m not very fond of meat. bring me cheese instead

5) If you were another person, would you be friends with yourself?

i sometimes can’t stand myself so i don’t think that would be possible

6) Do you use sarcasm?

obviously

7) Do you still have your tonsils?

yes

8) Would you bungee jump?

no, thanks, i like being standing on the mainland

9) What is your favorite kind of cereal?

corn flakes i guess

10) Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

sometimes

11) Do you think you’re a strong person?

in any sense. i’m working my arms to be strong at least physically tho

12) What is your favourite ice cream flavor?

strawberry

13) What is the first thing you notice about people?

their clothing style i must say since i don’t talk to people so can’t judge in any other way

14) What is the least favourite physical thing you like about yourself?

i can’t choose just one. i’ll go with the classic answer: my big roman nose

15) What colour pants and shoes are you wearing now?

blue jeans and saddle shoes

16) What are you listening to right now?

the sound of a series i’ve been binge watching for days

17) If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?

dark green

18) Favourite smell?

the smell or just baked cakes and lilacs in late spring, the only thing i can smell from one of my house’s window

19) Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

my grandma

20) Favourite sport to watch?

what is sport and why do i have to watch it and enjoy it. give me a programme about growing grass and i will drop a tear of joy

21) Hair Colour?

mid brown with some gold highlights

22) Eye Colour?

green and honey

23) Do you wear contacts?

no but i wear glasses. i just bought a new pair of glasses and quoting my sister i look like a snoop woman from the old days

24) Favourite food to eat?

give me those desserts

25) Scary movies or Comedy?

comedy!!!

26) Last movie you watched?

julie & julia

27) What colour of shirt are you wearing?

navy blue

28) Summer or winter?

summer. i want freedom

29) Hugs or kisses?

none lol

30) What book are you currently reading?

the merry wives of windsor by shakespeare

31) Who do you miss right now?

i miss louging all day long

32) What is on your mouse pad?

i don’t have one anymore but back in my young years i had one with a w.i.t.c.h. image

33) What is the last TV program you watched?

tiny houses or some programme about that

34) What is the best sound?

i daresay rain tho yesterday rained a hell lot and i didn’t have a umbrella so guess what happened. i wore the scarf around the head which made me feel alive and like a 60 y.o. woman so i won in all cases

35) Rolling Stones or the Beatles?

the beatles

36) What is the furthest you have ever traveled?

london 37) Do you have a special talent?

i learn really fast and with no help. just the other day i proposed myself learning how to knit and i did it and here i am now planning to knit scarves that would coat a regiment

38) Where were you born?

madrid, spain

#lavandula writes

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daniellethamasa · 4 years

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Hey all, Dani here.

Okay, so this post is a little bit later than usual. We just got home from Damian’s grandpa’s funeral. It was a long day of driving and waiting and all the emotion and everything that goes along with saying goodbye to a family member. He had a pretty good life, he went peacefully, and he had 73 years of a life of adventure and jokes. So, he will be missed, but there will always be good memories of him.

Anyway, welcome back to my weekly post where I talk about everything that we’ve played, watched, read, and done in the past week. We might as well just go ahead and get started with the post.

Okay, so I’ve played a little bit of Animal Crossing again in the past week. They added swimming and diving to what you can do. What makes that really amusing for me is that I chose a Southern Hemisphere island so while it is summer where I live in real life, in the game it is winter. So my little character is running around in the snow wearing a wet suit so she can jump in the ocean and look for sea creatures.

It’s time to talk about watches. I FINALLY SAW HAMILTON!!! Sorry for the all caps, but I have been wanting to see this show for four years now, and I could never afford the tickets, and I never had any luck with the lottery. Watching the filmed show on Disney+ was nice, but I definitely still want to see it live in a theater someday. Nothing can top the feeling and atmosphere of actually being in the room where it happens.

Let’s see. We finished watching season 4 of “Legends of Tomorrow” and decided to start a series re-watch of “Warehouse 13.” Oh, and I watched a little more of the first season of “Fruits Basket.”

Now let’s talk about reads that I’ve finished in the past week. I actually haven’t done a whole lot of reading over the past week. Okay fine, yes I’ve read something like 1500-ish pages, but I don’t know…reading 4 big volumes of manga just sometimes doesn’t feel like that big of an accomplishment. But maybe that’s just me being a bit too judgmental on myself. Anyway, I have completed Fruits Basket Collector’s Edition Vol 5 by Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket Collector’s Edition Vol 6 by Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket Collector’s Edition Vol 7 by Natsuki Takaya, and Fruits Basket Collector’s Edition Vol 8 by Natsuki Takaya. I am now 2/3 of the way through the series. I have to give a big shout-out to my local library for having all the volumes I don’t own available to be borrowed. It has made this binge-read possible.

As for current reads…oh boy, I’m in the middle of a lot of books. Let’s see if I can remember them all. I am reading The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin, Not Like the Movies by Kerry Winfrey, The Girl Who Could Move Sh*t With Her Mind by Jackson Ford, Blood of the Earth by Faith Hunter, and A Song of Wraiths and Ruin by Roseanne A Brown. I am enjoying all of them, but I think I’m having a case of ADD reading, because I’ll read a chapter or two out of one book and then just jump over to one of the others for no real reason. Like seriously, all of these books are great. Actually, the only one I haven’t bounced around on is Not Like the Movies, but I literally just picked it up at the bookstore yesterday and read it this morning while waiting for calling hours to start and then finish, so I’ve already made it halfway through the book. I might finish it tonight…or possibly tomorrow because I am pretty tired, and I still have to put in my couple hours of work for Colorworld tonight.

So when it comes to what I want to read next, well, obviously I definitely have plenty of books to finish reading at the moment, but I also already have an idea for what I’m going to read next.

A few of the books I’m reading are in preparation for an upcoming Colorworld LIVE panel, featuring authors Rachel E Kelly, Lance Conrad, and Russell Nohelty, which will take place on July 17th. Obviously I’m quite familiar with Rachel’s books, but I need to read at least a couple of Lance’s books, and I’m looking up Russell’s so I can try to squeeze one or two of those into my reading schedule. But I also have some books that I need to read for blog tour reviews and such, so I’m going to be pretty darn busy with reading this upcoming weekend. I should probably pick up some snacks and drinks and just have a 24 Hour Readathon day this weekend. Hmm…I might do that. Anybody want to join…say this upcoming Saturday, July 11th?

See? It’s a pretty decent stack. I have a lot to read. I still have another two weeks on the Fruits Basket volumes I borrowed from the library, but I would rather complete my binge-read and get those back to the library so they can sit in quarantine for a few days and then get back on the shelf so somebody else can read them.

All right. I think that’s enough random chatter from me. I have to go get to work now. But I would like to know…what are you reading right now? Let me know in the comments and I’ll be back soon with more bookish content.

Weekly Wrap-Up (72) Hey all, Dani here. Okay, so this post is a little bit later than usual. We just got home from Damian's grandpa's funeral.

#Anime #ARC #Books!#Libraries #Manga #Movies #Reading #Reading Challenge

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sailorduny-blog · 6 years

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29th July

*trigger warning*

I’m having another breakdown.

The first week of June I did so well, I was losing weight, I could see it and I was so thrilled... Finally, it seemed I was moving towards my goal.

Then my cat was gone and my acting classes were canceled (with that, I’d no longer have contact with other people other than people from work, since people at my course are fucking annoying and I just isolate there because I’m a weirdo), I had probably the worst fight with the man that I used to call dad, but now I fucking hate him.

The day I found my cat was missing, I just broke, I started eating and eating and then my biggest binge since 2 months ago started and it shattered me.

Then I binged because of how angry I was at my so-called father...

It was two weeks of binging at least 3 days a week and most of my progress was tossed in the trash.

This month honestly killed me, even though my cat reappeared, having some really bad binge days, gaining and being bloated all over again...

I’m constantly body checking, squeezing my arm, looking at how my collarbones that were reappearing, started to disappear again, how my thighs got bigger, how my face is more swollen... And it makes me cringe.

I can’t believe you’re doing this to yourself. Again.

I just want to die honestly. I’m tired. I’m done.

I’m trying everything so this hell will stop. And here I am again, like at the beginning of the year, I’m back to constantly thinking of how much I want to just die because it’s so frustrating, it’s so so frustrating that I want to lose weight so bad and at this point, it’s all that matters to me and I keep screwing up like everything in my life.

I’m constantly begging to the universe:

Please, please, make it stop or just kill me. I can’t handle this anymore.

But it won’t listen. Nobody listens.

I’m trying to tell myself: Okay, you screwed up but you’ll get back on track, you’ll get to 44 kg before the end of the year.

Then another binge happens and another...

I’m hopeless. I don’t know if I kill myself or just start purging...

But I’m totally back to thinking of how I could just go to the drugstore, buy a bunch of aspirins and just swallow them all with some alcohol and just end this unbearable situation that is my life.

This photo happened yesterday while I was trying to take photos in a way that I didn’t look like a fat ass, I smiled just to see if it would be any different from the previous pictures, but, in reality, I was thinking about how fat I looked in every picture and how I wanted to vanish because of that.

No collarbones. Big disgusting cheeks. Congratulations to myself for making me get so disgusting.

Fun fact: I binged today too.

I truly feel like I’m more on my limit than I’ve ever been.

#bpd #depression #ed #july #2018 #rant #anorexia #binge eati

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aerinjuseyo · 6 years

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The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.

Juliette Lewis

(via themotivationjournals)

I dont want to be scared and vulnerable anymore. Sure, my anxiety will be hard to cure but if i try to overcome my fears slowly, im sure it will get better.

Yesterday i felt like dying. I was so depressed about my life. About money and job. About leaving my home and my comfort zone. Although my living conditions are unsightly, i felt like it has become part of my identity. And losing my home felt like losing a part of me.

This year has been such a whirlwind. It started weak with me leaving my 2.5 year job, getting 1.25 bonus, planning an impromptu korea trip while jobless, finally selling off the home in April, and still unsettled with my finances till now.

Not having savings is worrying me. The past 3 years has been strong. Me maintaining a full time job, losing weight till 50 till i was able to fit in a lot of small clothes and look pretty. Taking my first plane ride. Visiting my dream country, Australia. Attending 5S0S concert. Going on a holiday with a friend. Visiting KL. Batam with the gfs. Reconnecting with old friends... so many blessings. I felt really strong and determined despite the same home situation.

Fast forward to 2017, the korea trip ended it all. I fell deep into my depression. There were days and weeks that i didnt even leave home. I slept often and i ate too much. Although there were days i tried to pick myself up again by going cycling and watching positive videos, it just wasnt good enough. I was lonely. I suddenly feel the heavy reality of becoming 25 creeping in slowly to the point that sometimes i want to do everything at once and then ended up not doing anything at all.

Left my job end Jan.

Holiday mood in Feb and March.

Look for job in Apr to May.

Got accepted to DHL as Log Coordinator.

Rejected cause of mon-sun work and its long OT.

Got offered pt to convert ft job with Chaihoon.

Start pt work at PIAS in May.

June no work as transition.

July start at FAPL.

Tendered and leaving end Aug as i was lonely, it was too far and i wasnt earning much from my PT.

Sept HDB sign off. Packing.

Oct byebye Anchorvale.

Now that sums up my 2017. As sickening as it is, it l still boils down to money.

Money,

Can make you happy.

Give you security.

Bring you to places.

Fulfills your dream.

Give you memories.

Motivate and grows you.

My biggest regret if how complacent i have been with my finances. I thought things are not so tough now that i am strong, confident and motivated. That this mental issue is just 'a phase' of beng a woman/adult. I got too comfortable with the thought that, there will always be a solution for me. Maybe my home will take forever to sell? Maybe there will be a turn of events and money may fall from the sky?

I didnt put enough thought into my situation and my future. I had always wanted the easier way out, quoting reasons of stress from my situation and for being young so therefore i wanted to 'LIVE'.

It is not wrong to feel that way. To want to achieve things and goals and go places and make myself happy. I believed i had a strong mental health to go through the uncertainty in the past 3 years. I was commited enough to not give up on my goals. And i thought that mindset was strong enough to set in and be my identity. It was strong. But i lacked the maturity of thinking about my future. I was living 'in the moment', not caring about other important things like finances, education, health, personal development.

To put simply, i was immatured.

And that let me to this state i am right now. This feeling of weakness and anxious. How i constantly 'eat' my soul by binging and wasting away precious days and hours playing games with people i dont even know.

That happiness and stress-free feeling i seek and got from such activities are quickly shortlived. I woke up still feeling the same depressed fuck and i do the same activity again, hoping to pass time and not think or feel my reality.

I was really immature and i am stronger than this.

The game has to stop. The night meals have to go. I need to slowly adopt my healthy cycle again. Breakfast and lunch. No dinner. Go jogging then sleep at proper timings.

I want to be more of a morning person so i can feel like i am making good use of my time.

I want to change and be a better, mature person.

Let's start getting organised. You are reborn today.

Insyallah.

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recoveringbecomingbetter · 7 years

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starting line

mental health: since i’ve been home this past week.5, i’ve definitely curled into myself, become more anxious, begun speaking with a certain stuttering slowness as my social-brain shrivels from disuse. but! two days ago i was prescribed lamictal for bipolar/as a mood stabilizer, so i’m titrating onto that and hopefully that’ll help!

physical health: i went 10 days without binging, but yesterday i binged, and today i binged. wince. tomorrow im having a probably decadent brunch with a pal, yike, but im exercising in the morning (hot yoga) so hopefully i’ll find mental balance and let a big meal just be that, without it setting off anything else. i weigh somewhere around 128-129lbs (im 5′3″) -- 10 lbs more than i weighed when i first sought help for my eating issues this winter (in february or so). ALSO my period is a week and a half late - and i dont know why (im fairly gay, so its not pregnancy, lol) - stress? am blaming the binge eating - think i’ve thrown my body hormones out of wack lately, my face is all broken out on the lower half. having stomach cramps because of the binges also.

GOALS:

mental health: incorporate mentally healthy practices into my life (regular exercise, journaling, getting out of the house, eating healthfully, socializing...) so i can feel more stable and capable of living my life.

physical health: lose the weight i gained, move back towards a lower weight that reflects me living a healthy, non-binging life - eventually i want to lose some vanity weight as well. exercise daily, build muscle (weights) and flexibility (yoga) and stamina (running??).

SW: 128ish lbs (not sure exactly how much and the scale is terrifying) (i’m 5′3″)

GW1: 120lbs (by end of june??)

GW2: 115lbs (by end of july??)

GW3: 109lbs (by end of august??)

weight loss is...weird. i think part of me has kind of resisted actually losing weight - it’s been such an outlet for my anxiety for so long, what would i do if i had actually lost the weight? god forbid i not have my body to fixate madly on. i wonder if losing weight is a reflection of me actually liking myself? the times in my life when ive been happier and living a more active/social life, ive been thinner for sure... #foodforthought. i will do this for myself - to feel better. physically, mentally, emotionally. to free myself.

#goals #weight loss #health #binge eating recovery #food for thought

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