you belong to me and i belong to you and so on

man since i have had any cats at all i have wanted three cats. and i have three cats. anddddd it rules. and they are all. very healthy and very loved and. what! a blessing. i love u my kitties..........................

having long ago made the executive decision to sublimate MUCH more of my rage over all the ways my body identity and personhood have been violated over the course of my life on levels both mental physical domestic and systemic into my writing by the way

annnnnd i have finally gotten covid. merry fucking christmas to meeeee

My physical health is going to such an incredibly low level that at this point, ability to draw from my bed and not at PC is crucial. I just have constant requirement to lay down. I am legit miserable if I am not creating something.. My options are:

1) draw in album, traditionally, and buy a scanner (the last one broke since it was ancient) 2) draw traditionally but buy a good camera, and just take those high-quality pictures with art supplies used laying nearby (you know, the ones) 3) get an ipad and figure out a way to get Procreate from my country through third party somehow (international money transfers are almost impossible here anymore) 4) requalify into a writer instead of visual artist 5) keep going to doctors to finally find out what IS wrong with me, because I am one of those cursed patients who are constantly sick but nobody can diagnose the problem already because all tests are fine??

And every option demands money I don't even have because rent price skyrocketed, so did products, and mom also needs help now

I guess 5 should take priority because there must be one person that can help.. though the fact that "cursed patient" is basically an anecdotal situation in this country probably means skill issue of the doctors, so maybe I am doomed unless I find a way to escape into a country with more advanced healthcare. Going to take years, but hey, long term plan is good for fighting against depression!

Everything else will take many months of saving, and it is harder than ever, but I once managed to save up on PS4, right? (yes I bought PS4 just to lay my hands on Bloodborne). I can do it again.. though it is harder now

Yesterday someone commented on my longest fanfic and biggest flop. It has been out for little more than a year, is 50k multi-chapter focused on a rarepair written in a manner that most shippers probably wouldn’t like and has like 150 views out of which I know at least 43 are from an irl friend. They said they liked it. I started sweating, then I got anxiety, then I started to cry, and then I threw up.

Then I realised it was liked by a Tumblr mutual from the other blog and started pacing around the room like "do they know? DO THEY KNOW???? What if they are disappointed by it??? Will it affect their perception of me???"

The very same thing also happened when I got the perfect score for an important dissertation at uni. I got my grade on the website, started crying, told myself that I should get a lower one, threw up, then I got angsty and thought it must have been a mistake and that they were going to correct it, showered and cried myself to sleep.

This feeling of “No that’s no true. It’s horrible and bad and doesn’t deserve whatever praise it might get.” is so strong in me that it gets ridiculous and right now I’m laughing a little about it. Because I know that these things are good. They are helping me get rid of an insecurity I’ve come to internalise.

But oh man what a ride.

they should invent a parent that you can trust and rely on

prof said congrats for writing up a proposal so early i am going to get a good grade in. well this is literally going to be graded. but yk the meme

I know I gotta do things but I really don't WANT to do the things 😞

thinking more about tlou hbo and that ep2 cold open

while it was very good and effectively frightening.... with how theyve handled fedra/the fireflies so far im a little nervous they might be setting it up for the fireflies to be 100% in the wrong later instead of it being less clear cut like it was in the game...

donated blood today they always have a hard time finding my veins 😭

I feel like growing up with parents that are rabid conspiracy theorists about anything and everything affects you like. way way way deeper than most people do (or maybe want to?) acknowledge. and I just wish it was talked about more honestly

it’s always awkward when my mom relays that once again my grandpa is bothered by the fact I hardly go upstairs

like. maybe if he could tone down the down racism, homophobia, and generally shitty attitude about most things... maybe I would be more inclined to visit upstairs?

Can’t really say that though so yknow...

knowing i can do nothing right now vs feeling a need to do something right now

another energy drink because i want to feel better :3

Bill Gates - The Psycho ---Watch this Freak in Action...2min.