#(not even saying that in a suicidal way this time it really is just an objective truth)
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Complaining abt Suicide Squad yet again but the fact that they have Waller exposing the alien community to space racist attacks and talking abt how she got to her position through deceit and being a terrible person and stuff is just. Ahsfiwueh JUST SAY YOU DONT KNOW WALLER.
Anyways literally the 3rd mission of the Squad ever (and the first framed as smth Waller picked and not orders from above) was the Squad discrediting and stopping a rogue vigilante who was only arresting POC and funneling white people into white supremacy groups (of which he was the most prominent member) in SUICIDE SQUAD #4. and it's explicitly framed as this mission being personal for Waller that she's hiding from the government bc its illegal like. Guys. Please why are we having her incite (space bc comics) racist attacks now
Also the whole "Amanda got her position through deceit and being a terrible person" NO. she KEPT her position through being shitty and playing complicated political games!!! She wasn't always that way like there is a difference and it is IMPORTANT ppl PLEASEEEE. In Secret Origins #14 we learn Amanda's backstory and she used to be a normal, caring person! Like even after she entered into working in government and politics she wasn't automatically morally bankrupt like please people. She was originally given control of the Squad by Reagan (*sigh* 80s comics...) to distract and get rid of her because she was so successful at pushing progressive social policy in Congress. Acting like she's this static pillar of evil is such a waste of her character and so fucking uninteresting and disrespectful to her arc it drives me MAD.
Like I am NOT saying Waller is all sunshine and rainbows, she fucking SUCKS (said w love <3) but like there's a human being there. It's a progression, she has a character arc like please, DC, please!!! They've fucked up Waller so bad and made her so opaque and uninteresting she can't even be the protagonist of her own story for fucks sake!
Like I don't know how many times I have to scream it until DC hears me or remembers but WALLER IS THE MAIN CHARACTER OF SUICIDE SQUAD. ITS HER BOOK. yet right now she's a cutout to be used as the villain wherever the writers please. Even in her book we get none of her perspective really displayed, no exploration of her thoughts with any kind of understanding of the role she traditionally has played and was made to play in the story.
#its like youre unable to root for her in any form. which is annoying bc shes actually awesome actually#also having her say “actually im the good guy fuck you'' w/o any actual deep analysis of her psyche or whatever while doing these things#doesnt count as development or showing shes 3 dimensional. its just having 2 dimensional waller say shes right when everyone is obviously#supposed to believe shes wrong#anyways i want real waller back please i miss herrrrrrrr#anyways hope mr john ridley has read secret origins no 14. i know its from 1987 but please guys please. my only hope#also it was a few months ago but i think they tried to push certain elements of a diff backstory in dream team and sorry but fuck that. and#any mention of another waller background like my eyes are closed sry. im a preboot truther#actually im just ignorant of most squad comics outside the original series. im gonna do a readthrough and become knowledgeable on other#stuff i just need to find time. so if im wrong then sorry if its smth factual and if you disagree with my opinion then uh sorry for ur loss#anyways shoutout to the time i had a nerd night w my one friend and she was asking me abt dc and said my favorite villains and i said waller#and silver swan. and she had a “yuck WHY” to waller and a ???? to silver swan. love shouting out my faves and explaining them to the less#informed. didnt say a number 3 but would probably be parallax ig. idk hes kind of slay. or maybe someone else honestly i like hal but waller#and nessie are blorbo level for me i could think abt them for hours#or maybe it wouldnt be parallax actually idk who my 3 would be. hes definitely up there but way below the other 2. maybe the cheetah#interpretation that i personally have. v different from the popular cheetah interpretation esp rucka vers actually. much closer to the pérez#and esp develops some subtext there surrounding barbara and the exploitation and theft of sacred cultural artifacts and pieces but also#like british colonization a lil bit#but i actually despise the cheetah that lives in my head but think shed be interesting to use narratively and see diana fight#vs the other guys who i find interesting and sympathetic and like for themselves#whereas my fave interpretation of cheetah can rot in hell#i got off topic here#blah#swishy rant#also disclaimer that w the main character ik dreamer is the main character of dream team. im talking more in general and that amanda should#always have a huge role as shes the main character of the squad and yet is treated like its villain and not its protag#sui sq
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Harrow the Ninth Reaction - Chapter 45
‘An amount of time before the emperor’s murder’ oh this is getting ridiculous
ohh Abigail leading Harrow away feels slightly bad to me, i hope they’re who they say they are and not fake/malevolent
huh, what is up with the horned animal imagery and Lyctors. i doubt its anything meaningful, but given the rest of the religious imagery in the book it might make sense if its a ram or some other religious-y associated animal
and the Harrow’s memory Dulcinea IS the real one, because she’s a ghost! ooh i can’t wait to see what she’s really like
and yay, Isaac and Jeannemary are safe … kind of … in a manner of speaking? as safe as a ghost can be i suppose?
oh wow so Silas’s whole murder/suicide of himself and (presumably fake mindscape) Corona was him just being a dramatic little bitch who didn’t want to play along. iconic of him
okay, so from what Abigail’s saying the River is supposed to be only a temporary place, where souls are supposed to move on to whatever’s ‘beyond’, but something unnatural has happened and stopped them from doing that. i love that she’s dead and still theorising and also a little mad that she couldn’t write a paper about it. we got such little of Abigail last book before she died and i’m loving seeing more of her here
and Ortus is actually the real Ortus, i wasn’t expecting that. also they found out midway through about the bomb but couldn’t disable it?? thats a really awful way to go, knowing you’re gonna die and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. and i hadn’t even thought about the poor pilot that might have also been killed, i assumed the shuttles were auto-piloted or something
also Ortus is remarkably generous to Crux rn for a guy who murdered him
oh Harrow is beating herself up so much for her previous attitude and actions towards Gideon and Harrow - yes she did absolutely treat them poorly, but its also wound up in a whole lot of guilt about their deaths, neither of which were her fault
and Harrow also just cannot accept that it was ultimately Gideon’s decision to die. even if she has good intentions in that its coming from a place of deep care for her, Harrow is kinda diminishing Gideon’s final choice here
‘I was, and am, a grown man, and you were both neglected children’ oh this is tearing my heart out, someone finally acknowledging just how fucked up Harrow & Gid’s childhoods were, and how young they were to be in such awful positions. and Harrow with all of her guilt over everything, just cannot accept that she might be a child who was hard done by
and she finally isn’t totally rejecting someone’s comforting touch! i wasn’t expecting Ortus and Harrow’s dynamic to go this way, but i really do love it
fuck yeahhh! confirmation that Gideon the First’s name is in fact, Gideon the First! and i am also very curious as to why Gideon’s mother, whoever she is, was saying said name as a revenant
this message seems to be differentiating between ‘our civilisation’ and ‘yours’ which is strange. these are very likely from the Sleeper then. also i am facepalming because it took me until the end of this chapter to realise that the invading soul was in fact the Sleeper 💀
‘I am going to exorcise the Sleeper’ we are getting a ghost hunt with Abigail and Magnus!! kind of
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What Can the Damned Really Say to the Damned?
Just a bit of meta on my favorite scenes from episode one of season two!
Louis and Lestat in the Field
At this point and time, using context clues, we know Lestat is conjured up from Louis' mind. Personally, I think Louis conjured him up due to the fact that he's surrounded by dead bodies and the most recent "dead" body he's cared about is Lestat. So now, he's thinking of his past love and the murder of him, the only time he's felt like he murdered someone. "Oh love, I'm merely waiting until you're happy." This seems to be the opposite of what Lestat has done to Louis in season one. He would always try and catch Louis when he was down and make the situation worse e.g. Paul's death, the church turning, the closing of the Azalea, the riots, etc. It's interesting, especially, considering Lestat isn't actually saying any of this. Crazy how Louis' brain is working in this moment. A friend of mine also brought up that Louis is in a period of desperation and despair and I think it may have brought up thoughts of home, the home they left Lestat to die in.
Claudia and Louis' Argument in the Boiler Room
The first time we actually hear, from her own mouth, how much Claudia resents Louis for the fact that Lestat is still looming over them. "I forgave you for messing up my plan, I did not forgive you for bringing him with you." Louis, in that moment, seems to want to make nice with people on their journey and dismisses Claudia's concerns and ideas, which may build even more resentment. "I'm looking for one, just one, that ain't a goddamn bastard!" Her search for vampires seems to be her both wanting answers as well as her own companion to escape the bastards she's encountered as a vampire.
Claudia's Dreams/Nightmares
This one is a bit tricky for me to understand because the only thing I can think of what Louis is trying to say is that she is lying, but I don't think he'd call her a liar. I believe Claudia only said she couldn't dream because Louis was getting on her nerves. I hope to God that is not the angle we're going with because I will personally raise hell for her.
Morgan Asking Louis for Help
Very short point but it's so interesting that Morgan thought Louis would help and I was somewhat surprised that Louis left it alone. I think that those four years have hardened him just a bit and he's over the humans for now. Another point, a bit of racism slipping through that Morgan thought the Black man was going to help.
Daciana and the Fire
Two interpretations of this scene and I'd like to believe that the both of them have some truth to it. One (brought to me by my friend @nakiaslilhoodoo), Daciana and her killing her children relating to Claudia. Even in season one, we see just how much he cares for Claudia, even going so far as to postponing his suicide so that she wouldn't have the memory of her brother dying on the same day as the beginning of her journey of traveling. I think Daciana jumping into the fire after losing her children could show how Louis will lick the fire (internally) once Claudia is gone.
Two (another point made by a friend of mine, Daciana and Magnus being one in the same in this scene. The both of them walked into the fire after feeling defeated with having no companion. I didn't realize this until a friend brought it up to me and I think it makes the situation even more tragic.
Louis' Speech to Claudia
A very bittersweet moment for me, and the way the trailers and clips are set up makes me believe this may fall apart. I thought I'd feel stronger about Louis telling Claudia about having a shitty life, I still don't think it was quite necessary because I'm sure she knows that and her life was shitty before she even met Louis, but it didn't leave a poor taste in my mouth like I thought it would. The soft words he gave her was what genuinely broke me. I think it hit me because I know Louis genuinely believes what he said to her and how it's her and him against the world, but I know it's going to go left. Even when they held hands together after getting off of the van, they really could be everything if they keep each other close. You could tell by Claudia's face that she's been waiting to hear that from, (Delainey said this as well) but she also seems a bit skeptical and questioning whether he'll stick to his words, which I don't blame her for. And then Louis conjuring up Lestat as he's telling her this...I know there will be problems on the rise.
Louis and Armand in the Bedroom
First of all, the bedroom seems to be gorgeous and I would pick it apart more if it weren't for the bars and the painting in the back. The bars are a bit jarring because I don't know who they would represent. Would it be Louis feeling confined to this relationship and life he's made with Armand or would it represent Armand holding back his emotions and how he feels? And the painting of Jesus and Judas, who betrayed Jesus, hanging in the back is a wild concept. But, I did enjoy the softness each of them displayed with one another. The talk of Claudia's diary pages could have easily blew up into an argument, but they each know each other well enough for it to remain calm. Even Louis' face before he kissed Armand was quite reassuring. Love what I see from these two so far.
#louis de pointe du lac#claudia#armand#lestat de lioncourt#interview with the vampire#amc interview with the vampire#vampterview#iwtv#amc iwtv#just my thoughts#its fine if yours are different#not everyone thinks the same!
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tw for pretty in-depth discussion of fictional suicide attempts/suicidal ideation ///
i just. think a Lot about how the idea of “well ellie should have had a choice!” often ignores the implied fact that ellie, on the day she was entering the hospital, was struggling with some degree of suciidal ideation to the point where joel opened up about his attempt and ellie’s immediate response was:
“i know why you’re telling me this”
because she’d been so nonresponsive, so far removed from her usual self in her depression, that joel was worried for her and thought the story of him recovering from his attempt, feeling that hopeless, would resonate with her.
“yeah, i reckon you do” -- that’s....yeah.
and she goes for the “time heals all wounds” to wrap it in a bow-- the cliche of “it gets better, you just have to give it time” that we give to people struggling especially with suicidial thoughts and joel in a moment of rare vulnerability says “it wasn’t time that did it” -- him telling her that he loves her and cares about her, that that is what healed him, that that is why he’s opening himself up because he doesn’t want her to hurt like he did. that it’s not just going to be time, he’s here and he’s not going anywhere whatever healing looks like for her. and it hits her like a gut punch because it’s the last thing she’s expecting and the thing that breaks through to her.
so if you’re asking the teenager with sucidial ideation, who has spent her entire life being told by an institution that she is inherently expendable and her life is worth nothing, coupled with her mom’s friend echoing that same sentiment -- of course she would have said yes. marlene with the “what would she want?” gee i wonder how putting her in a system that sees her as expendable would affect like worldview on top of countless traumas! and joel is the one person in her life who does not see her as worth sacrificing, who would mourn her and care about her to the point where he’s unwilling to mourn her even if it means she hates him.
when people we love and care about go through something like that, we don’t go “oh i guess it’s your choice”. it’s “i will drag you kicking and screaming to go on with me if i have to because i love you and i don’t want to do this without you, because you are worth more than how you’re feeling right now.” it’s what tommy did for joel. he dragged him out of that ditch, took him to a medic camp even though joel swears up and down it’s what he wants and never lets him do it again and he can’t go on and do this. it’s what joel does later for ellie.
so yeah.
no i don’t think joel should’ve woken up ellie like
“r u sure?”
#suicide tw#tw suicide#also#just want to say#if you're reading this and you're feeling this way#you are so many things you don't even know yet#you haven't experienced so much of what your life can be#and you haven't met so many people who you love and will love you#that's what i wish i could tell myself when i was a teenager who felt that way so much of the time#and there will be a day where you'll just be really grateful that you stuck through it because it got you to a better place#anyway#tv: the last of us#lmao how unhinged for me to leave it with that tag#i just cannot get this out of my HEAD
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mmm essay about sally and kid gort in the tags (cw for child abuse, mentions of suicide, animal cruelty and a murder attempt. i always hope i don’t have to say this but just in case: i don’t excuse or condone any of her or gort’s behaviour at all.) this is literally not even touching upon everything i have to say because i hit the fucking tag limit lmao. NOBODY READ IT’S BAD BRAINSTORMING I JUST NEEDED TO GET IT OUT SOMEHOW
#thinkin too much about gortie side characters again.#sally this time and why she specifically talks about him the way she does#like dravo is obviously still shitty but to me he was. ‘just ‘neglectful#while sally actively hated and even felt terrorised by her own child#like. it’s not like i don’t understand her at all.#imagine you and your love don’t have much besides each other and your shop and you get pregnant and ready to raise a child#only for it to not be a child he didn’t and doesn’t cry ever and he learns everything so much sooner than most but then he never calls you#his parents and it’s not just a petty thing kids do sometimes you feel that he doesn’t see you as family and the worst part is that you#agree deep down#and as he gets older he doesn’t have any friends and actively rejects the notion of the entire concept#but then as time passes you hear about how he has entire groups of children following him and then several of them commit suicide#and that thing coming to sit with you and dravo at the dinner table says that he did what you did last week when the axe to chop wood broke#and you discarded it and got a new one#and he has these habits of ripping out flowers and making sure that they don’t regrow#and then you hear rumours about a friend’s daughter’s cat disappearing and think nothing of it#until you visit his tree house a month later and find a declawed cat and birds with clipped wings and crushed bugs that he keeps fondly#and then you see him with other children and they don’t know and his face is different and body language is entirely different#and were it not for the fact that you know better you would never see anything but a normal child#and you know that you are one who painstakingly brought this thing that should not be into the world and so you decide to end it all one da#and go to him as he’s asleep with the knife shaking in your hand#but he cries when you’re above him! screams at the top of his lungs!#so you beg for forgiveness even though you don’t deserve it through tears but as soon as the knife is put away you see the act drop and fee#his clever fingers having twisted your brain inside and out and you know that you can do nothing#and so the opportunity arises to at least remove him out of your life if not everyone’s lives and you take it immediately.#but you heard him talk. how he will close his fist around the world one day. and you know that it is not a matter of if but when.#like. imagine that. jesus dude.#like i hc her as someone that is messy and does not know a lot about life and she certainly wouldn’t have been a good mother but the love#or at least desire to love is there somewhere. and believing that having a child is really the only somewhat meaningful thing she can do#with her life. she’s not some hero or rich or anything of note. so there’s a lot obligation and not genuine desire for family here.#but she never really got the chance to be an actual mother in the first place so. who knows what that might have looked like
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One of my favorite things about the worldbuilding in The Left Hand of Darkness is the "perverts" in Gethenian society—those who are permanently in one of the kemmer forms. The "normal" person on Gethen goes through a kemmer cycle with periods of somer, but that's not every Gethenian. People whose bodies don't work this way get treated with repulsion. Genly compares them to "homosexuals" in his society, and that comparison is really instructive. Gethenians may not have gender roles and identities the way we do, but they do have societal norms, including about bodies and sexuality. And those norms leave people out. They are imperfect and sometimes they are unfair. I think this is part of the point.
In subtle ways, this theme is woven throughout the book's descriptions of Gethenian cultures. To stick to sexuality, something similar can be said about the different norms surrounding incest on Gethen and the empathic treatment of Estraven's past relationship with Arek. There is no taboo about incest between siblings on Gethen, only on siblings vowing kemmering, but if a child is born of it, the parents have to separate (and it seems like Estraven is separated from Sorve because of this). The reason for including this element, in my reading, isn't to impose our own moral standards by "showing" that Estraven's relationship with Arek was "bad" (in fact, we learn fairly little about it, beyond that Estraven cared deeply for him.) Instead, I think it's partly to demonstrate the dissonance between Gethenian mores and our own, and unsettle both. Because, like Genly, we see Gethenian norms as strange, we can notice that they bring about particular situations and cause particular hurts. Even the custom of vowing kemmering monogamously for life, which sounds more familiar, is shown as double-edged. Estraven breaks a taboo by making his "false" vow to Ashe, but was trying to build a new life with Ashe really wrong?
These things are not 1:1 to any "real life" issue, but like everything else in this story, I think they're chosen because they are provocative. It's really meaningful to me that even in terms of gender and sexuality, Gethen isn't painted as a utopia, but as a real place. Le Guin shows us two sets of norms and asks us not just "are our norms arbitrary and/or constructed rather than essential truths?" but also "are norms always socially constructed? Should we question them sometimes? What harm is done to maintain them? Who is being left out?"
#the left hand of darkness#lhod#my posts#thank you alix jouissants for reading over this and aiding me to express more clearly <3 <3 <3#and idk i am obsessed with ''estraven the traitor'' being a name from folk legend. with the way the character who comes across most moral#and most thoughtful betrays the norms of patriotism and of prejudice against ''perverts''. vows twice and had a child with his sibling#it says something powerful i think about what is really important and more important about a person ultimately. character of all time.#this is not to say the normless utopia could/should exist or that the portrayal of gethenian cultures is wholly negative btw--not at all#constructed =/= useless or without power/meaning or completely arbitrary either#just it is such a thoughtful book. and it's saying so much on so many levels#obviously i haven't even touched here shifgrethor or suicide or the budding nationalism... and i don't have my copy on me.#maybe some of this seems obvious but it feels worth highlighting#edit: there's more to say about the sibling thing and ursula's logic in why a society that places different associations on sex might be#mainly concerned with avoiding kids born of those unions--but i'm thinking here about what we see of estraven's experience
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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thinking about how the people around me, particularly people i dont know anymore, impacted my fantasy setting. the raccoon people i added because of a friend who wanted to be a raccoon. goblins existing in the way that they do because of someone i still know who really likes a specific kind of goblin, and made me like them too. even minor things, like deciding that a character's eyes were gray because the person i was talking to also had gray eyes. there"s definitely a lot of me in there, but there's still little bits and pieces of others in there too
#a pretty significant plot point for one of my characters is heavily inspired by stuff my mom dealt with#i really hope i can properly convey the gravity of the topic. particularly with tact due to how poorly i've seen it handled#in my writing i try to approach any topic with the baseline amount of empathy that people deserve. i feel *a lot*.#i sincerely hope it comes through that i care so much about so much#a particularly hurtful exchange i recently had was me casually saying that i care about a lot of things and my grandpa almost accusitorily#asked “like what”#i'm generally pretty open about what's on my mind. i try to connect with people time and time again and so often do i get nothing in return#it makes it hard to go on. sometimes.#one day. i hope i'll meet someone who cares as much as i do. cares about me as much as i care about them.#if i meet even one it'll have all been worth it.#part of me feels like saying “i can't bear to live like this anymore”. but i can. and i have. i can bare a lot actually#i don't think i'd be alive if i couldn't#there's a lot wrong in the world right now. i can't bear to watch most of it. this of course makes me feel even more guilty#at the very least i've made a habit of clicking the arab dot org buttons daily. i can't handle watching but i can at least help.#in a small way. that is.#i definitely feel like i needed to get that out of my system. rambling is what i do. after all#i feel like i have an abnormally strong will to live. i remember coming very close to a suicide attempt once. the razor actually cut into my#wrist just a little bit. i very much wanted to die at that point. on an emotional level#but i just couldn't do it. i need to live. i just need to. it'll have all been worth it. eventually.#eventually.
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Honestly the more I hear people calling Jason a tank, the more I think that the people writing it are just short
#I'm saying this about canon Jason#Except not really which I find really funny considering it's only Jason who gets larger and not anyone else#And this being despite several panels showing him exercising and much of it being things for flexibility and cardio#And the fact that he's barely distinguishable from Dick#Who's never been hit with this trend once hunks stopped being in style#Or the fact that Jason's shown flipping and jumping everywhere all the time which means you can't really say he's too big for that#Like just admit it's a kink#Stop bending over backwards and saying lies#The one exception is Gotham Knights Jason and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if he was built that way cause larger = angry#Or was influenced after years of fandom calling Jason a tank despite everything#Like even if you follow the stats given by dc (which you shouldn't because look at everyone else and how unrealistic those stats are)#The man isn't that large#Six feet is not that tall#(larger than that is ignoring how he's 6ft in literally everything except Gotham Knights (6'3) and Titans (5'9))#Which coincidentally means he still averages out at 6ft#Literally the most consistent thing about him after being suicidal#Azol's words
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Started thinking about the Amanda Waller + Ben Turner relationship again.... fuck, I'm gonna need a minute
#I JUST- SHDIAUDJSHDSHEYEYRYRYRY guys. guys#i know none of you see my vision and thats okay. i will make you see my vision. i will force you to see my vision. i will-#like jesus fucking christ oh my god. its so interesting and gives me so many emotions and just!!!#i know im not making sense bc none of my moots are sui sq fans and also like half of the content fucking me up specifically here is in my#head because i cant stop thinking about my absolute power fix it au but like!!!!!!!#also the fact i have a fix it for a comic that isnt out yet is so funny to me. its literally fucking real though. god knows we need it#may my own content carry me through the dark times (extreme villain waller arc)#anyways this fucks me up so bad you dont even know. someday ill actually explain it#dc hire me to write a suicide squad ongoing PLEASE. i could do it so good it would be so fucking good dc PLEASE 😭😭😭😭😭😭#also like this isnt me shipping them btw. like 110% not that. just to clarify.#i wouldnt even call it a friendship bc like. theyre not friends really. he has the most equal dynamic with her i would say but it still isnt#equal. shes v much his boss even though they have an understanding and respect there#like she believes and trusts in him much more than anybody really even himself. like she sees the good man and the leader even when he#doesnt. but she isnt nice about it. and there is a lot of conflict between them when there needs to be#like as much as ben is “wallers man”--the team leader she wanted from the beginning before rick flagg pushed his way in#ben i would say is still a very moral person even when lost and unsure of himself and his goodness (which is like one of his main things)#like i feel like while amanda can lean very into a “the ends justify the means” mindset in her worse moments and do bad things to get#herself out of a corner ben has like a deep and meaningful understanding of how the choices of your methods and how you act can weigh on you#like even though he was brainwashed and whatnot (thats still the story right? i cant remember) he holds a lot of guilt and baggage over his#actions and i think is able to temper amanda's worse tendencies in terms of that by calling her out when he recognizes that behavior#idk. i just really think that amanda waller and the suicide squad as a whole has lost its way without a more moral authority presence there.#like someone who can call her out and keep them more on track. which i really thing ben is and could be#i just very much am interested in their dynamic and how that would look like as equals and how i think they could help each other.#which ofc is what my wip is about and revolves around#blah#sui sq
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What do I want? I want to be seen as a peer.
#tiger��s roar#mental health bullshit#…and I feel further away than ever with my damn disability that I got told was psychosomatic without directly saying those words#because unstable tendons that pop grind sproing every time I really do anything#can’t Possibly be painful#or WHY my muscletone and stamina is shit#oh noooo it MUST be all in my head nevermind I CAN’T TAKE SEROTONIN. every drug with it makes me suicidal or worse#…anyway. I will be stranded as soon as I move out to attend university#which is only possible with taking out yet more student debt#and keeping a credit load far higher than I could ever do (nevermind my physical disability)#to keep my scholarship. and then Hope I still get a Pell + misc school scholarships#but there’s No Way around I Won’t be able to cope with a job with 15 credits mentally even if I could physically#…yEAH I’m Terrified. and I’m sick to death of people telling me to NOT take out loans#when this is The Only Way to pay rent and tuition to Even Attend At All#…and ALL Of This ontop of… you want to spend time with me? NOW that you’re at the end of your master’s and I’ll be getting things in order?#Do You See Me As A Creative Peer Or Someone Who Could Be One#or am I just a Pretty Gurl Who’s A Poor Lost Waif Who Sings Pretty#…you never did tell me what you thought of my script’s draft#and have been suspiciously Silent about your own art#do you REALIZE that to do ANYTHING together…you’re gonna have to drive. and I don’t want to do anything that costs money#because 1) it feels unbalanced (regardless if it’s a date or simply hanging out. but your body language screams Date?? not Hangout)#and 2) …I’ll be needing to keep a fisthold control of my finances as it’s gonna be stuck as reimbursements + debt#I…cannot see how I can mentally or physically take on a job. nevermind nobody’s wanted me to work for them for anything not janitorial#…so…yeah. how the hell can I even feel like anyone’s peer#when I’ll be at least a decade older. mentally ill. disabled. and can’t work because of it#how am I supposed to feel like anything but a porceline doll with rotting rubber joint connections + glockinspeal
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here with another song. this one makes me think of Vash
it's about the Exhaustion. the eternal work to keep going despite the weight on your soul. the way death can sound so sweet in comparison to the current horrors of your life... but you keep going anyways, because there are things left to do.
and you cant even let yourself show that sadness. that Fear. because it's not what's expected of you. you can't show that vulnerability to people, and so you put up a facade to hide it all away.
you're still going, you can still keep going, but you find yourself wondering how much longer this can continue.
not allowed to show it, you just keep moving on.
#speculation nation#trigun#vash the stampede#music#vash#fanny's trigun analysis#IM COUNTING IT...#honestly the way Vash doesn't hold value in his own life drives me fucking insane#we see it over and over and over again in the way he puts himself in harm's way to save people#and then we see things like. towards the end. when Legato says that Vash is *like him*. someone who doesnt see value in living#early on when Vash is contemplating to Kaite about whether it was a good thing humans landed on this planet#& his dream with Rem about wondering how people could go on living with this hopelessness...#his pursuit of Knives drives him. but beyond that? he doesn't really want to keep living.#MADE EVEN MORE CHILLING by the fact that as a child he literally attempted suicide. before Rem stopped him.#Vash is lowkey suicidal throughout the entire story. and basically his entire life. and that is just fucking gut-wrenching.#im. gonna need to make a post about that actually. a proper analysis post#Vash's lack of attachment to life & the way he keeps on living for Rem's sake alone for the LONGEST time...#and the way he finds reasons to live again in the people he loves...#kind of a digression from the original song post but i just have some fucking Thoughts about him. god.#suicide ment/#Spotify
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#dont read this shit lmao it sucks#that christmas feeling when you realize that one or two good days doesnr break you out of the suicidal funk youve been in for months.#and you realize you really have no accomplishments and nothing in life to be proud of or look forward to.#and you realize you are really a fundamentally unlovable person who has wasted over 20 years of life that others have used to build familied#and you realize it will always be this way because something inside you is just fundamentally broken and undesirable and just.#just useless and completely unneeded by people and by the world at large and that youll never have the life you wanted#you just dont have the tools or the mental fortitude to start over and create the life you wanted for yourself and you never will#and all you have are temporary comforts that have no lasting impact on the world or even on your own life as a whole#and that you are basically just a parasite wasting space and wasting time until you finally die because nobody will ever truly want/need you#even if I got a job today thats really all im doing with my life. just waiting and wasting time and trying to make it more comfortable.#until i finally die and look back and realize thats all I ever did and i didnt even deserve that.#sorry but I feel like I just need to scream into the void even tho I hate being like this online.#but everyone i know has other bigger problems and they dont need to hear this so im just yelling at computer#i just want to be happy and feel fulfilled!! i just want to be loved!! but i am born incapable of these feelings bc i was just.#made wrong#or i made myself this way idk#but something went deeply wrong with my life and Im just stalling until its finally over#bc Im too scared to just end it myself no matter how much i fantasize about it.#this isnt a cry for help or anything I just feel like I need to say it and feel seen before I explode.#anyway I really deeply hate myself and I feel I am fundamentally not human and not deserving of my life#but i still hope maybe you wont unfollow bc maybe this stupid blog made uou smile once#and that maybe that makes you feel a connection idk. thats all i can do. thats all im capable of.#suicidal tw
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it's a little bit funny that i have such high stress levels that it's affecting my physical health in multiple ways to the point doctors keep insisting that i need to remove stress factors from my life but . i have nothing to remove. what do i do now
#no job no school no commitments or responsibilities#I'm just naturally stressed all the time <3 it's my default state#(i am simply stressed about the most basic things required to live like eating and sleeping etc.)#(unironically the only solution to my problems is death. I'm not just saying that. it is literally the only thing that can help me)#(not even saying that in a suicidal way this time it really is just an objective truth)#(life itself causes me stress -> stress gives me health issues -> stress + health issues caused by it make life even harder and so forth)#(it's kind of a cycle i have no way to break out of bc well. how am i supposed to stop being stressed if being alive stresses me out.)#vent#i guess??????
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Survived another day of severe SI 💪 #unkillable
#cliche to say but g-d will have to try harder than this to kill me#I feel more sensible again now#the problem is I lose the ability to think rationally when it happens; it’s like a dark cloud overtaking me#I should’ve probably gone to the hospital but then again that’d probably make me feel worse#good to be out of it either way! I’m glad I’m fine#nothing is better and everything is still terrible and stressful but I’m not gonna kill myself about it#everything will sort itself out and even if I flunk out it’ll be fine eventually#all day I was thinking what was even the point of surviving all the times I’ve wanted to kill myself since the age of 14#if all it got me was PTSD three times over and every time I think I’m through it something else traumatising happens#but we’ll see. I’m pleased to be alive right now and I’m sure I’ll be displeased and then pleased again in the future#this post doesn’t really have a message it’s just me marvelling at how I never seem to actually kill myself#like some kind of cockroach.#anne speaks#suicide tw#thanks frank iero for the phrase of all time
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yknow I think the core of my problems rn is the fact that I never thought I'd live long enough to have to make all these big life decisions
#like. as a kid i never really daydreamed abt college or careers or whatever because i genuinely didnt think i'd be alive to experience them#and idk. knowing that ive outlived my own expectations for myself kinda helps contextualize all this shit im dealing with rn#like obviously it sucks. i dont know what im doing or where im going or what i want to be and its scary and confusing and frustrating.#but its also. kind of liberating too. in a way#because im Alive to be worrying about this shit. which is more than young me ever thought i would do#and idk. i think that speaks for itself.#life sucks rn and im not having a good time because i thought i would be dead by the time i graduated high school#but by god i WASNT dead by the time i graduated high school and im not dead now. and i dont intend to be any time soon.#tonight's existential crisis is a mixture of crisis and hope i guess <3#winter speaks#personal#tw suicide mention#<- not really but just in case#im not even sure what im trying to say im just thinking ig#goodnight <3
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