tbh when mitski said “you’re my best friend/now i’ve no one to tell/how i lost my best friend”

content creator: year in review

tagged by sel @zenien and others thank u <3333 

1. First creation and most recent creation of 2020: my first creation this year is the first gfx i’ve made and, coincidence! both are bakugou! first / recent

2. One of your favorite creations from 2020: this kuroo bday gfx, i had to idea what to do bc hq characters are really hard to edit for but it turned out better than i thought it would, first time making an entire isometric structure thing?? and it looks rly good ig

3. A creation you’re really proud of: the kuroo bday gfx i linked! i just really like it ig and i spent a good amt of time in the 1st and 3rd panels :P

4. New style you tried this year and a gifset that uses it: i made a sad attempt at gif/gfx in the gojo eyes episode also i practiced gif making more with each jjk episode

5. A creation that took you forever: this coloring in tribute for haikyuu’s ending, coloring always takes me forever that’s why i don’t like doing it anymore, it took me SO much time to look for panels, position them, and color them, my coloring is so shitty but eh :/

6. Your creation from 2020 that received the most notes: this other coloring in tribute to haikyuu’s ending, it took me sometime to do too

7. A creation you think deserved more notes: oohh this jjk gfx :/ i was my first time editing an arc and the concepts/designs here are good imo and the colors too, it just looks so cool or this gon gfx that also took some time to make

8. Creation with a favorite scene/quote: this dabi reveal gfx that quote from him really got me, i love it so much everyone went crazy lmao

9. A new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it: i haven’t had much time or even if i did have time i don’t really feel like investing it in watching new anime for a reason? i only watched a few new anime this year, but the most recent fandom is jjk and this is the first gfx i made for it

10. A creation you made that breaks your heart: omy this snk ep 59 gfx is the first 6 panel edit i made, snk has such a great plotline and everything about it just hits me in the feels, everything just changed after that scene. (sidenote) i just saw that scene of eren’s eye and i really wanted to edit it, i think i did an okay job

11. A ‘simple’ creation that you really love: lol i was gonna say i dont make simple edits aafdfasf (i try and fail at minimalism) but this coloring is pretty simple right? not a gfx tho

12. A creation that was inspired by another one (add both your creation and the one that inspired it!): this jjk gif/gfx is inspired by sel’s work (@zenien) not sure which specifically but her znt ones are godly

13. A favorite creation created by someone else:

there’s soo much talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before edits i’ve seen this year and it was impossible for me to choose only one from each of u guys (i only chose 2 from each of u guys but i just kept adding lmao :’D)

gojo (woah) & akane by @dicennio

gojo (woah) & znt ep 4 & pp by @zenien

tanjirou & hisoka by @elriccs

mp100 & kuroo & gojo by @celiabowens

kuroo & ryo by @zerou

gojo & dabi (woah) by @sukerokus

znt & cp 2077 by @jidai

promare & bts  by @youngjaes

mahito (woahh) & oikawa & sukuna  by @tsukis

mp100 & mp100 & hxh (woahh) by @mob-psycho

killua (woww) & samurai champloo & mp100 by @noxdivina

mp100 & jjk by @tcmiokas​

gojo & grimmjow  & nezuko @gojosattoru​

ping pong ta (wowww) & akira @25th 

bakugou & kuroken & hinata by @mazusu

bakugou & dabihawks  by @svmeragi

makishima & oikawa by @runwiththewind

bakugou & karasuno & ghibli  by @katsukes

14. Some of your favorite content creators from the year: 

AHH okay i hope i don’t miss anyone @zenien @celiabowens @elriccs @dicennio @sukerokus @tsukis @mob-psycho @biscuitwalk @jidai @noxdivina @tcmiokas @zerou @youngjaes @gojosattoru @mazusu @25th @emperanas @runwiththewind @koujis @beekugou @manganimae @osamusmiya @shizukku @svmeragi @katsukes @todoya their edits are so creative, beautiful, and amazing !! glad to be able to see content from u guys <33 :D

15. And for good measure, another a couple more creations of yours that you love:

oohh 2nd gojou edit, killua request, first dabi edit, shinsou coloring, mahito edit, spirited away infograph, mob edit, nekoma edit, jjk ep 1 gifset

tagging: my fav content creators i mentioned!! only if u want ofc 

HUGE VAGUE/RANT/VENT POST INCOMING

alright so… this is embarrassing smh

ive been following a rly cool artist on twitter and it was their bday today so i went ahead and gushingly wished them a happy bday, mentioning that we had been tumblr mutuals since the twdg days… and then i went and looked them up on tumblr and realized. we’re not mutuals anymore.

and it’s just like!!! ok that is fine! it’s totally fine and i understand, nobody is obligated to stay my friend and everyone is free to unfollow at any time if that’s what you want to do. but just.

i explicitly ask in my about that if we’re mutuals, that you please softblock me if u decide to unfollow. it’s embarrassing for me to continue to interact with your posts all enthusiastic and shit like we’re friends when we dont actually follow each other anymore. u know??? i have no hard feelings and i will never bear any ill will to anyone who decides to unfollow me no matter what the reason, but fck man this just feels so shitty.

and the thing is, this is not the first time this has happened, there have been MANY mutuals over the years who i’ve noticed no longer follow me, or have deactivated, and some of them have in fact softblocked which i appreciate!!! i do not believe anyone is EVER under any obligation whatsoever to explain their reasoning to me. u don’t even have to HAVE a reason! it’s fine! (and sidenote that recently i mistakenly followed somebody again after they softblocked me without realizing that OOPS they actually unfollowed so i unfollowed again right after that. but it just makes me so fcuking sad, bc i have no idea what i did to make them unfollow me in the first place!!!)

it’s just. the problem with the current situation is, this is not the first person who has unfollowed me without also softblocking me as well, and it just!!! puts me in a very potentially embarrassing situation!?!!! and ig i just dont know what im supposed to do now??? do i unfollow them too??? like fck i m at a loss here. i guess i just dont understand, why would you go to the length of pressing that unfollow button if u dont also bother pressing the block/unblock button as well?? youre already there, what’s so hard??? especially on tumblr where follower count isnt displayed, i would understand better if this was ig or twitter where everyone can see the follower/following ratio and that matters to some ppl but idk!

idk i guess i m just. paranoid and sad now bc it’s like… ok did i do something at some point that made a bunch of ppl decide to unfollow me or someth??? bc if that’s the case then again, that is fine, but please. if im fucking up or doing something that would warrant mass unfollows then i would like to know!!!

anons are welcome to weigh in here, im also going to tag this as twdg bc that was the fandom i met most of my old mutuals from and i’d like anyone who still lurks there to weigh in as well ig

idk :C lol

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

1. List of works published this year: 

In the order that they were posted

Fall At My Door 

Collide

Mercedes Boy

The Oldest Magic Word 

With a Word (part 2 of FAMD)

Possessing All of Me (part 2 of MB)

It Had To Be You 

One of Many 

Stranded in a Dream

How Fast You Fall

Soft Wings

Has The Ocean Lost Its Way 

Splish Splash 

Don’t Want Shelter 

Wasted Like A Memory (part 2 of DWS)

Just Around the Corner 

Find You Home 

Sweating ’Til My Clothes Come Off

Number 84 

Let Me In (part 3 of DWS)

Admission

Intention

Resolution

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Don’t Want Shelter, definitely. The idea for it came to me over a year ago, and that was basically exes to lovers stuck in a hurricane together. I tried to write it earlier in the year and scrapped it. It was a completely different story and they were actually exes, but it just wasn’t working. RIP those 10k words. But I set out to write something with more emotion and I wanted to write something different and I feel like I succeeded. I’m very emotionally attached to their characters in DWS too. It’s been hard to get my head out of that universe.

I’m putting the rest under a cut because this got really long.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Soft Wings. It was soooo hard to write at that time. I was just struggling to write anything at all and every single word of that fic was a giant pain in my ass. It was a bday gift and I actually decided not to do gift fics anymore because of how hard it was to write. The last gift fic I wrote was DWS and it was like 2 months late-- sorry about that @justafatbirdonaboat <3

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

So, this was actually difficult and I would rather include the sex scene I mention below in question 7, but it’s long and... it’s smut and I feel like dropping it in here with nothing leading up to it or after it takes a lot away from it. This is from DWS:

If he keeps himself busy enough, which he’s fairly successful with, he doesn’t have time to think about Harry and how once again he practically laid himself bare for absolutely no reason. It’ll fade, he knows that, but at the same time he doesn’t want it to. It’s how he finds himself going out of his way to some specialty store to find Harry’s organic cinnamon toothpaste. It’s why he bought some fancy vanilla candle for his bedroom. He’s fighting with himself over trying to forget and wanting to remember, because he knows that eventually it’ll be gone no matter what he wants. The toothpaste will be empty and the candle will burn down, and it’ll all become a distant memory.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

i got a super long and detailed comment on FAMD from one of my favorite drarry authors and bloggers that came at the perfect time when i was feeling really shitty about writing and also life in general. it was such a surreal thing for me because i was reading the comment and it was just super lovely and the whole time i was reading it i was like OMFG and fangirling lol

all of the comments on DWS from people who read it as a WIP. they were like some sort of super fuel for me. and it was... idk a special thing for me. i’ve never done a WIP before and idk if I ever will again. it just worked out with that fic because of the chapters and betaing etc. but every time i posted a chapter and people would comment on it, it was just... idk it meant a lot that anyone would follow along, i guess.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Writing Soft Wings, so late May, and then again after I posted DWS, I struggled with Sweating ’Til My Clothes come off. That was Reason #14 and literally NO ONE wanted to write that prompt, so I took it. Mainly though, my struggles have been with fics that either I’ve abandoned (the old version of DWS) or my unfinished sci fic au.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

i feel like everything i write surprises me. i’m constantly shocked that i write anything at all. i think that most of dws was surprising to me. i had a vague idea of what i wanted their personalities to be like, but the way they ended up was so much better than i thought they’d be. I MEAN, i legit thought that the entire fic would take place over 3 days and would end when the storm ended! and then the storm ended and i was like... wtf i’m not anywhere near finished with this. and then a scene specifically, umm... there’s a sex scene in ch 7 of dws that ended up being wayyyyyyyyyyy more emotional for me to write and it still makes me sad to read it. and i’m like 99.999999% sure if you’ve read that fic, you know what i’m talking about. i wrote that and immediately was messaging nic like “i’ve made myself sad with smut! what is wrong with me?”

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i’m much less messy, though i’m still messy. i think i was easier on my beta this year. less cliche (unless i’m cliche on purpose) and better at getting the emotions across? I DON’T KNOW @louandhazaf is better at this stuff. she answered a different question about this earlier in the year actually.

wait. also. i think i’m better at conceptualizing a story BEFORE i start writing. i still suck at it, but not as badly as last year. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i’d like to write another long fic. i’d like to get better at developing secondary characters. i’d like to write more emotion into my fics. i’d love to be better at outlining and planning fics, but idk if that’s who i am lol 

tbh i’d like to be better at the part of writing that, up until this point, and to a certain point, come naturally to me. i don’t think about my character’s motivations or what they’re separate stories are or backgrounds and shit like that until i’m writing and sometimes i do it and don’t realize i’m doing it? i guess? I DON’T KNOW. coming from a math background and never having written or even taken a creative writing class or anything like that, like... some of the most important aspects of writing, i have no clue about them. at least that’s how i feel. a lot of what i do is just................. like me flying by the seat of my pants. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

this is my answer from last year and i’m just going to leave it because it’s still true.

NIC @louandhazaf​ my friend and forever beta. one day we’re going to take over the world. just depends which one of us is in charge of the brain that day as to whether it’s for good or evil.

however, i’ll add to this a bit. nic is the best cheerleader and beta and all of that. bouncing ideas around with her is always fun and always productive. we laughed so hard when we were talking about ideas for DWS. like... i think we both laughed so hard we cried. 

having writer friends -- so all of you -- has been such a positive thing for me. knowing that we all sort of go through the same shit makes it easier when it’s my own lol. 

specifically, i’ll say that @phd-mama influenced me with her fic ‘feels like coming home’ because i read that fic and when i finished i decided that i needed to write something with more emotion behind it, something with a really great (though not necessarily good) back story. the history between her characters in that fic..... idk a lot of it hit home for me. and because of that fic, i wrote DWS. so, thanks <3 

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

ummmm... yes. let’s just say.......... yes.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

yes! write what makes you happy, even if that means writing something sad and depressing. but also try to challenge yourself to write things you’re not used to or things you haven’t done before. also, just write. you can edit later. put words down.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

my near misses fic, which is what i’ll call it until i title it, that i am super excited about (this one just came to me yesterday)

moodboard fic - it’s anon, so i can’t say anything other than that. i started it, but i think i’m going to start over. 

2 time stamps for ‘don’t want shelter’. one that takes place the summer they’re 13, and one that takes place between chapters 8 & 9, but before ‘let me in’

my sci fi au - it’s been kicking my ass for most of this year 

i have a fic idea where they go from friends to lovers, but it’s a long long road to get there. idk if i’ll get to it. it would be loooong. 

i want to do a valentines fic but idk if i’ll have time. i’d like my near misses fic to be for valentines, but that’s a lot of pressure on me and then on my beta.

28 proposals with jess @someonethatsfunny and if we want to do it for an advent fic for next year, i need to at least write a proposal per month. 

i want to do the new relationship travel the world fic with nic @louandhazaf that we’ve talked about co-writing, but we both have so much going on......... 

oh and the tiny penis fic series. which is 5 short fics that are not connected, but one of them has a tiny penis in each fic (it switches around and also maybe they both do in one fic)

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

I would like to tag all of my writer friends, sooo you’re all tagged. Also, this is more than 3, but idc

@dinosaursmate @allwaswell16 @letsjustsee @gaycousinlarry @goodmorningtoyouuniverse @assisreal (writing or art, saori! or both!) @prettytruthsandlies @someonethatsfunny @phd-mama ok i’ll stop tagging so that y’all will have people you can tag lol

I'm feeling a little shitty. I should have vowed to spend time alone on my bday. For starters I had a fucking assignment. It was a good bday and I felt loved by my parents and a couple of people. Especially the girl i'm dating and she's wonderful.

But yeah someone I confessed to decided to reply on that very day, and it was pretty clear that she didn't feel the same way romantically, though I guess she just wanted to show that she wasn't uncaring or something but I really told her that she did not need to reply. I had anxiety for about a month but I stopped waiting and it felt good. Now it's back, and I feel a little gutted.

I replied really nicely like 2 days later but idk, I just feel like the air has been taken out of my sails.

I loved her for far too long, and honestly without much reason. I'm sick of being controlled by my feelings. It's really weird because I felt the feelings for her fade after confessing, I felt more courageous than I've ever been. I still had feelings but it became more of a glimmer. But now the glimmer has taken weight, it's sinking to pretty low depths. The light has also dimmed.

I told myself that my present, to myself, would be to close the door to the past, seeking help and realizing my visions. The first part was going really well. I don't have the will to really care much about (redacted) anymore but the one who made the end of my uni the worst time of my life, (redacted), also decided to msg me. I decided to see it all in a good way and not expect people to get my pain or love me in a way I expect. I handled it well. But the msg from (redacted lol) was just...idk. I was so glad to hear from her but also like I was wondering why I had to hear that on all days...but I guess well that's me.

Easiest guy in the world to shit on and keep around till he gets too emotional and explodes.

I can't keep being so negative. Her unrequited feelings doesn't say anything about me. And I don't even know why I felt so strong besides crafting the illusion and idea of her beauty in my brain. I really need to stop doing this.

It feels like i'm more scared of my feelings for her being an illusion than the feelings being reciprocated. I'm being aware of my thoughts and i'm realizing where the focus goes to, how the sad thoughts are made to reinforce the safety of loving her so damn much.

I don't even know the meaning of the fucking word, but I know alot more than most.

I need to let her go. I need to let it all go. I'm seeing someone wonderful now. But none of it truly matters. I have self love issues, loving others obsessively will do nothing for it.

A strong light source needs only light from the original source. It hurts when love isn't reciprocated, but to insist that I need her is an egotistical illusion, one that my heart is screaming for sometimes. I built her as an archetype of physical and romantic beauty, but I knew her more as a friend. I can't keep doing this.

I'm 26 years old and I can't be fucking arsed if someone doesn't like me back, and obsessing over shit like that is dangerous. But the more I talk to people, the more socialized my behaviour is to mope and mourn. There really is nothing I can do but let go. I've done my best for many, even the one i'm seeing now, except I care more and more about my mental health.

My birthday felt more like an exercise in saying thank you. It started with genuime gratefulness but I realized many missed my kind and loving words, they said it to me to get those words back even for a little while. I feel used by some. But I need to stop living in these feelings and live beyond them.

I am will that is utterly powerless. I submit fully to that eternal will. I can do nothing else.

I will recover, celebrate for real, ignore other people and give myself my gifts. Fuck all the illusions and distractions.

it’s sad bitch hours sorry 

I just realized that someone promised again and again that something wouldn’t happen no matter what and yet that exact sequence of events fucking happened exactly 4 months later to the day, exactly as I predicted they would, and lol I should have seen the writing on the wall, but I wanted so badly to believe it was okay that I was willing to keep trying, even though I honestly should have stopped months before. This is why I can’t trust people, I’m so tired of being lied to. It was so fucked up because it followed the exact pattern and now I know the entire four months between that and the end were a total lie and that hurts so much. I thought I was past it but sometimes it just hits me how fucked up it all is, but also so bitterly funny because. 4 months. exactly 4 months later. There’s something poetic about that, I think. Hell, maybe it was even intentional lol, who the fuck knows? Not me, apparently I didn’t know anything. and as of now it’s been 6 months to the day and I guess that’s why I’m thinking of it again, like a really shitty anniversary that just makes me feel shaky and nauseous and hate myself for being so naïve. I wish I was the type of person to drown my sorrows but honestly I’m 19, I think alcohol tastes awful, and getting wasted seems like more trouble than it’s worth, anyway. At least school lets out for the summer in a month and I can properly wallow in my misery and depression. the quarantine really isn’t helping. Hopefully it’ll be over by summer; I’ve accepted that my plans for my bday just aren’t happening, which sucks bc I’ve been planning it for years (turning 20 is more important to me than 21 bc of the aforementioned not caring about alcohol, or gambling for that matter) but I’d at least be able to drive down to the beach occasionally. I did manage to get some stream-of-consciousness written for Neverland, though. I’m slowly getting the plot worked out. Funnily enough most of my progress is for the third part of the fic, where Mitch and Stiles are 35ish and adopt a teenager and their little family dynamic is just so fun to write, because they are both really good parents. 

Edit: I thought I was done but nope apparently not? I think the worst part is how much they promised it would be okay. And yknow, I believed it, because I’m stupid like that. And when it all went to hell it was awful, but I could accept it as simple differences, yknow? Not everything works out and I know that. But then to find out that all those promises of it’s okay no matter what were actually, literally lies? Yeah that’s what’s really got me fucked up lol. I can put up with anything else, but I cannot stand when someone lies to me. Especially something like that. I don’t care how much the truth hurts, but don’t give me that false sense of security and let me believe everything’s okay when you know it isn't. 

I think I’ve gotten to the point of anger in the 5 stages of grief, which is rare for me. I usually go straight to acceptance pretty quick. But I think it’s because this is the first time I’ve really been so hurt by something. I mean I’ve been hurt plenty, but this just hit differently. I feel like I lost a part of myself. And I want to hold out hope that maybe some day in the future it will be okay again, but honestly, how can it? How the FUCK could it ever be okay again after that clusterfuck? I want it to, and when I think back to a year ago I remember how good things were, and a year before that they were perfect. I don’t feel any bitterness about that. It’s like I’ve compartmentalized the last two years of my life into Before and After, and I can think about the Before without it hurting. I can clearly imagine being like that again. But then when I think about actually getting to that point again... it all falls apart. I feel like my trust is gone, and I don’t know how I could get it back after that. I think I could pretend to be fine ust like I always do, but at the back of my mind I would always be questioning everything, waiting for the other shoe to drop and everything to fall apart again, because it just kept happening, and why would next time be any different? I want there to be a next time, but at the same time, I can't decide if that would even be healthy for me at this point. Everything was such a mess by the end and I never know when to cut bait with someone, I always want to cling to the good times. When it gets to a point that I have to cut someone out of my life I can, but when I feel like there’s a glimmer of a chance at redeeming something, I’ll hold on, and that’s just. Not good. And it’s so hard to tell if I want to reconcile because of nostalgia for how it used to be, or because I think it would actually be a good idea. The one thing I do know is that I wish none of this had ever happened. It hurts and it’s awful and I can’t seem to dig my way out of the depression spiral I’ve been in ever since it happened, and so many other things just keep getting heaped onto the pile. 

I miss the way I used to bed. I can feel the tangible difference in me since last October. That’s when my life went to hell and it’s just been getting worse and it feels like I’ll never be okay again. I know I will because I’m stubborn, and I always find a way to be okay, but it just hurts so much and I hate this, I hate myself and that just makes me even angrier because I was doing good. My life was great. I was happy and active and productive and I could honestly say I loved myself, and now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror half the time. I’m spinning my wheels because I know I need to do things but I just can't make myself do them, even though I know I’ll suffer from it in the future. This year I was supposed to get better. I was going to get my shit together and start the next decade of my life off on a high note and instead it’s just been one cluster fuck after another. I just want to be okay again. 

Year in Review

Eh, I’m bored, so I’m stealing this from @md-admissions

2017 in Review

By tradition, it’s time for my annual review!

1 - What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Had heart surgery, lived with my little sister for a bit (not technically never, but I moved out when she was 2.).   2 - Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.  If I want to do stuff, I just do it, I tend not to wait for the new year.  

3 - Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yeah, weirdly.  My sister, about two-ish weeks ago.  Different sister than the above.  The sister that gave birth is 31, not 18.  

4 - Did anyone close to you die?

No, thankfully.  My dad has a giant blood clot in his calf tho and confronting his mortality has been unpleasant.  

5 - What countries did you visit?

Italy - Venice and Rome.  

6 - What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

More time to do the things I really care about.  Hopefully I’ll be able to quit my job soon.   7 - What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

12/12/17 - My niece was born.  

8 - What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Completing my first real research paper.  I spent the whole semester working on it.  

9 - What was your biggest failure?

I honestly have no idea.  Probably not being able to stick to a low sodium diet as well as I like (My Dr. is worried about my blood pressure.).  Everything in the US is preserved and full of salt.  If I stuck to it I’d never eat out or have anything besides unflavored chicken.  IDK I do pretty good for breakfast and lunch but I just don’t have the knowledge to cook low sodium dinners for myself.   10 - Did you suffer illness or injury?

I haven’t been like...sick with anything or had a cold or whatever, but I did have a heart ablation to correct arrhythmia.   11 - What was the best thing you bought?

I have no idea...all my best purchases were made at the end of last year, lol.  And the answer to that is: a canon 80D.  I haven’t bought anything major this year.   12 - Whose behavior merited celebration?

Very few people, that’s for damned sure.  I’m gonna say Beyonce just because I <3 her and don’t feel like giving a deep answer here.  Oh! All of the private citizens who donated to disaster relief funds for the various terrible things that happened this year.   13 - Whose behavior made you appalled or depressed?

Trump.  Every elected republican except for that five minutes where McCain was like “fuck you guys”.  They’re all a bunch of schysters.  And while we’re at it, Kim Jon un is a dick too.  All the white people who were like “yeah, the KKK has a point”.  Can I say Trump again? Cause he really is that bad.  

14 - Where did most of your money go?

Living expenses, same as usual, the rent is too damned high.  

15 - What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I can’t think of much.  Going to faire with @wut4 was pretty great.  My sister’s baby, too.  Oh, and Game of Thrones because that’s the kind of sad fan that I am, lol.   16 - What song(s) will always remind you of 2017?

*sighs in @existing-oddball’s direction* Despacito.   17 - Compared to this time last year, are you: I. Happier or sadder?

Sadder.  Definitely, sadder.   II. Thinner or fatter?

Same.  Maybe a little fatter? My weight doesn’t fluctuate that much.  

III. Richer or poorer?

Poorer, but I received an inheritance last year and I’ve spent a decent chunk of it.  Tuition and heart surgery are expensive ya’ll.  

18 - What do you wish you’d done more of?

Literally anything but my job.  It’s really been grinding me down.  I don’t get a new one because I get a lot of vacation time, they work around my class schedule, and my boss is great.  My company is not bad either, I just dislike the actual work.  And I wish I’d been more involved with various protesting things.  Wish I’d gone to the women’s march.   19 - What do you wish you’d done less of?

Work.  I don’t like my job.  Procrastinate, cause it stresses me out, but I seem unable to help myself.   20 - How will you be spending/spent christmas?

Went up to DC to see my family and it didn’t suck.  :)  

21 - Did you fall in love in 2017?

Nah, not romantically.  My niece is pretty great tho even though all she does is poop and sleep and cry occasionally.   22 - How many one-night stands?

Nada.   23 - What was your favorite tv program?

Game of Thrones.  

24 - Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yes.  Fuck Roy Moore.  And I hate Trump more than I knew I could hate another person.   25 - What was the best book you read?

Lord, IDK.  I just finished the Dunk and Egg novels and read the Princess and the Queen before that, but IDK if that’s the best.  I read a lot of good Zombie fiction this year, and Jenny Trout put out another book this year.  I <3 her.   26 - What was your greatest musical discovery?

IDK, Music isn’t really my thing.  I wouldn’t call it a discovery, but P!nk put out a really excellent album a few months ago.   27 - What did you want and get?

Whatever I want.  Hahahaha...  28 - What was your favorite film of this year?

Wonder Woman, or Kingman.  I see a LOT of movies.  

29 - What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Ok actually I had a really shitty birthday this year.  My BFF’s brother got married on 7/1 (my bday is 7/2), and we were in TX.  It should have been fun but my BFF was getting run around town and she has a hard time saying no to family so basically I spent the whole day by myself farting around on the internet.  Then the next day I had the worst migraine of the whole year, or maybe ever.  So yeah, turning 37 blew.   30 - What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Trump getting impeached and thrown in jail where that stupid motherfucker belongs.  

31 - How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

Same as usual, whatever I feel like.  Usually jeans and whatever shirt is clean.  

32 - What kept you sane?

Am I sane? lol.  Probably my sister while she was here.  Having someone around and not being alone all the time was a nice relief from usual.   33 - Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I’m gonna copy MD-A’s answer: Jason Mamoa.  That man is fine AF.  

34 - What political/social issue stirred you the most?

#metoo and the lack of response from the fed for PR.   35 - Who did you miss?

I miss Wut4 a lot, and most of my other friends.  I don’t see them very often.  I miss the people from my major at school that I’d made friends with who all graduated ahead of me.  I’m the last one.   36 - Who was the best new person you met?

I didn’t meet anyone new that I’d say had a meaningful impact on my personal life, I think.  But I didn’t know who Robert Mueller was before this and he’s got a lot of potential.  

37 - Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:

IDK, 2017 has felt like the year I’ve been stalled in place and can’t I just be done already and move on to the next stage of my life.  It’s been full of frustrating monotony and I’m seriously chafing at the boredom.  I have a hard time enjoying the moment in front of me, always have, so I guess what I’ve learned is that I’ve got to try and be better at appreciating things as they are.  

I was tagged by the amazing, kind, lovely @sherrinford221b Thank you so so so much for thinking of me darling. I love doing these things. Sorry this took a couple days. I’m not going to tag anyone though bc you guys almost never do my tags. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Super long so I’m going to put under the cut :)

the last 1/ drink/ tea

2/ phonecall/ I think to my doctor?

3/ text message/ with my best friend/ex/roomie

4/ song you listened to/ rise to me by the decemberists

5/ last time you cried/ earlier today

6/ dated someone twice/ no

7/ kissed someone and regretted it/ the last time I did this? oh shit no clue. but I’ve done it several times.

8/ been cheated on/ yes. last time was probably when my fiance (who actually ended up od’ing) cheated on me

9/ lost someone special/ this past spring

10/ been depressed/ I deal with this every single day of my life

11/ gotten drunk and thrown up/ the last time was quite a while ago... probably in college

3 favourite colours 12/ purple 13/ black 14/ grey

in the last year have you 15/ made new friends/ sort of

16/ fallen out of love/ sadly no, only into it

17/ laughed until you cried/ yes

18/ found out someone was talking about you/ no, didn’t find out lol

19/ met someone who changed you/ YES changed my life in so many ways, made me a better person, a better writer and thinker, allowed me to fulfill my dreams and just basically saved me from a life of misery even if he doesn’t realize it. I will always love him for this. With absolutely no qualifications.

20/ found out who your friends are/ yes it’s funny how when you need people the most, that’s when people abandon you and you realize they never were your friend to begin with

21/ kissed someone on your facebook list/ i only just made an actual facebook with my actual name and I haven’t even followed anyone or anything on it lmao

general 22/ how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life/ ......

23/ do you have any pets/ skipping this one right now bc still too hard

24/ do you want to change your name/ not anymore

25/ what did you do for your last birthday/ finished an essay lmao like literally my bday was the deadline. then again that shit makes me happy so.....

26/ what time did you wake up/ today? I actually slept until 5 bc the sun was not very bright this morning :)

27/ what were you doing at midnight last night/ sleeping

28/ name something you can’t wait for/ to finish my dissertation and have my MA awarded to me and then to start work on my PhD; also can’t wait to go home bc it’ll be nice to not be alone all the time

29/ when was the last time you saw your mum/ I haven’t seen my mom in almost 20 years idek also haven’t talked to her in that long as well

31/ what are you listening to right now/ right now I’ve got Lucifer is on so I’m just listening to that with the traffic outside and the occasional rumble of the train that goes past my window

32/ have you ever talked to a person named tom/ I’m sure I have but tbh I can’t think of a single specific one

33/ something that is getting on your nerves/ oh god I hate to say it but I need a break from England/London lmao there are just things that I love but also things that just drive me fucking batshit nuts

34/ most visited website/ tumblr

35/ hair colour/ I have natural red hair but it’s a little lighter the older I get and I don’t color it

36/ long or short hair/ long but not super long anymore

37/ do you have a crush on someone/ lol yes obviously but I think it’s past the crush phase and is just soul-crushing agony stage by now

38/ what do you like about yourself/ my mind

39/ piercings/ ears only, three on left one on right

40/ blood type/ I actually don’t know for sure... that’s weird right? w/e

41/ nickname/ none

42/ relationship status/ single celibate and prob going to stay that way for the rest of my sad pathetic lonely life lmao

43/ zodiac/ aquarius

44/ pronouns/ she/her

45/ favourite tv show/ of the moment is Lucifer

46/ tattoos/ I have two shitty tattoos that I aim to get fixed one on my back and one on my ankle

47/ right or left handed/ right; but when I eat two-handed I sometimes use my fork in the right, sometimes in the left

48/ surgery/ wait what? like have I had any??????? my tonsils and adenoids out????

49/ sport/ I used to swim competitively; as far as watching none really anymore I like watching swimming at the olympics and I used to love hockey but stupid bettman stole my team so fuck the nhl

50/ vacation/ ??????????

51/ pair of trainers/ black on black vans

more general 53/ eating/ I am so confused by some of these... like what do I like? american food lmao no but really I have serious food issues and can’t eat a lot of food in general it sucks but it’s not just “being picky” it’s literally physically recoiling in horror and absolute discomfort with a lot of foods

54/ drinking/ I try to drink a lot of water but I also love tea and espresso drinks

55/ i’m about to/ fuck around on tumblr lmao but in the near future I’m about to go home for a while!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!! never thought I’d miss georgia that godforsaken place lmfao

56/ waiting for/ “someone” to be single? lol jk waiting for idk a lot of movies to get released, shows to start, nothing big right now. waiting for my plane ride home!!!!!!!

57/ want/ to finish my masters and get my phd, to make “someone” proud and have them be in awe of my accomplishments and to have them see me as an intellectual equal and not as a student....... (and also as other things lol but that’s not realistic)

58/ get married/ lol see above

59/ career/ academic and fiction writer

which is better 60/ hugs or kisses/ depends on who it is

61/ lips or eyes/ eyes but lips kiss so there’s that

62/ shorter or taller/ okay so for so long I’ve had a short dude fetish, and for girls I really love tiny itty bitty short girls (both girls I’ve been in love with were like 5 feet tall lmao), but after the TH thing, and now you know who, i’ve gotten a bit into the tall guys thing... so both are good lol

63/ older or younger/ okay so here is the thing when you’re younger everyone loves older men but when you get to be my age it stops being as attractive lmao so I’d rather have a slightly younger dude or my age... girls I don’t care either way :)

64/ nice arms or nice stomach/ i like arms and tummies both but I admit a slight thing for tummies bc you know who does this thing where he always wears shirts that ride up and he pushes his hair back and shows his nice slightly brown tummy and it’s super super good [I want to show a pic but I am terrified that will out me more than I’m willing to have in this forum even though I do use his name occasionally lmao]

65/ hookup or relationship/ I have to say they both have their positive aspects

66/ troublemaker or hesitant/ hmm... sometimes the most hesitant person is a troublemaker underneath

have you ever 67/ kissed a stranger/ yes

68/ drank hard liquor/ yes

69/ lost glasses/contact lenses/ I don’t wear them (though I need them desperately)

70/ turned someone down/ yes but I admit I don’t do this very well I have trouble saying no it’s the sub in me

71/ sex on the first date/ yes

73/ had your heart broken/ all the time lmao

74/ been arrested/ fun fact, yes! I’ve been arrested for fucking expired tag/no insurance in godforsaken athens clarke county it was a bunch of shit

75/ cried when someone died/ yes

76/ fallen for a friend/ yes

do you believe in 77/ yourself/ I wish I could say yes, but not really. However, I don’t give up, so in a way I’m constantly trying to prove myself wrong about myself.

78/ miracles/ not as much anymore

79/ love at first sight/ not love, I don’t think love is a visual thing

80/ santa claus/ ........

81/ kiss on the first date/ yes if it feels right

82/ angels/ yes absolutely just not necessarily the whole surrounding christian stuff

other 84/ eye colour/ blue

85/ favourite movie/ Brazil :)

121

Where have you been all my life? Here, there Can you recite the Greek alphabet backwards? Nope. Can't even recite it forward What social networks are you a part of? Well obvs tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, insta, snapchat Which of your fields of interest are you a total expert on? I'm a total expert on nothing lol What is one thing you will never understand? Why some people are so ignorant and close minded Do you blog? You're lookin at it. I actually used to have a Wordpress blog in like high school/early college. I wrote about hockey, inspired by some of my fave hockey bloggers lol no one knows about it and I haven't used it in years but there was a time I was getting like tons of views so that was cool What was the last movie you watched? Idk about movie but I watched a documentary on Netflix about living off $1 a day ^Would you recommend it? Yessss it was so good. The guys that made it also made Salam neighbor, a documentary about a refugee camp in Jordan, which was also really good and insightful, it was on Netflix too not sure if it's still there With whom did you share your last awkward moment? Ummm idk probably just me lol When was the last time you got all dolled up? I went to a bday party a few weeks ago and put myself together Gimme yer best shot and insult me. Go ahead. You suck What do you think makes a person attractive? Sense of humor, intelligence, being polite, a nice smile Out of everyone you know, who has the worst taste in music? One of my roommates senior year listened to some decent stuff that I liked like the Lumineers but she also loved country and like musical soundtracks. I don't mind musicals if it's like hairspray or Grease but that's about it ^How about the best? Britt and I are v similar with our musical interests except I like 1D and she doesn't lolz. Jordan likes 1D and some other artists I like so she's good too Can guys REALLY pull off skinny jeans? Some can What is one thing you missed out on that you wish you hadn’t? Interning in college Are you honest, or more inclined to tell people what they want to hear? Kind of a mix, I think I'm usually more honest though What was the last thing/place you decorated? I rearranged my room a bit and decorated my desk Have you just recently started listening to any new bands? Since I'm def going to firefly I've started perusing some of the other bands on the lineup that I don't know as well as my faves. Today I got into Kaleo How many windows/tabs are open on your computer right now? 0 because it's still dead and I'm using my phone Would you rather date someone really skinny or really overweight? I guess skinny. But that's kind of awk because while I'm skinny/average in ways I wouldn't want my bf to be way skinnier than me Let me in on a little secret of yours. I mentioned the blog earlier, that's all you're getting What is one habit you had as a child? I always sat with my shins/feet under me and my mom would yell at me for it ^Do you still have that habit today? No, sitting on your feet gets uncomfortable when you're older and tall af Is there someone you wish you were closer with? Kind of ^What’s stopping you from being closer with them? Idk. I deleted his number years ago and even though we hung out idk if it'd be normal to steal his number from someone and talk again. Like I guess it'll just happen naturally if we hang out with friends altogether again but 1 on 1 chatting probably won't happen for a while Besides air, what was the last thing you inhaled? Helium Which point in life do you think is hardest? (i.e. childhood, adulthood…) Young adulthood has been a struggle How was life going for you, say, six months ago? Shitty ^Is that the same as today, or have things changed? Some things have changed... I think things are getting better so that's nice What is one opinion you have regarding love? If you think something you're in is one-sided, it probably actually is. Don't try to make something work if you're the only one doing all the work. It can suck letting go especially if you thought you really had something with the other person but dragging along and trying to make it something it isn't is just wasting your time. Who was the last person to make you frown? The caps ^Was anyone able to turn that frown upside-down? My dog What was the last non-papery substance you drew on? Does a canvas count as papery or nah What is one thing you wish you had the courage to do? Not sure Which is bigger: Your iTunes library or your cd collection? Def iTunes... I have like 3 CDs What is your one true weakness? Puppies When is the last time you had hot chocolate? Month or so ago Composition notebooks or spiral notebooks? Why? Spiral just because they're better What is the most bizarre compliment you’ve ever received? Nothing too bizarre comes to mind... Someone on tinder once said that I "look really hot but really short" which is odd because I'm 5'9 and there was a picture of me with my friends who are like way shorter sooo yeah idk it was strange Do you identify more with guys or girls? Girls When someone you know is sad, how do you go about cheering them up? It depends I guess... Usually just listen to them or tell them how great they are Has someone ever accused you of not being creative enough? No Starbucks coffee or Dunkin Donuts coffee? Dunkin Do you crack under peer pressure? Sometimes I have, sometimes I haven't What do you think deserves more attention than it already gets? How sucky DT & his squad of supremacists are What song never fails to get stuck in your head? Totally varies Who is your favorite vocalist? Why? Lana & Ed Sheeran are both amazing What is your most overused emoticon? The laughing crying emoji Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.) My cars When was the last time you had a bagel? Week or two ago Can you lick your own elbow? No What time during the day/night is your mind most active? It always seems like night right before I go to sleep I think about everything What color ink does your favorite pen have? Black What was the last thing you licked? A fork Who was the last person in your bed besides yourself? My dog Can you touch your tongue to your nose? Nope What flavor mouthwash do you use? Some minty teeth whitening one What tends to distract you most? My thoughts Is the perfect man or woman a myth? Nobody's perfect~~~~ How do you feel about Bob Marley? He's alright Let’s end this survey with a smile; tell me something funny. Pass

I totally forgot to do this, but @onekisstotakewithme thank you for the tag! I tag anyone who wants to do this lol.

1. last drink: water 2. last phone call: my bestfriend, D. I was really sad about this guy and she made me feel so much better. (I’m lame. I know.)  3. last text message: talking to my mom, lol. 4. last song you listened to: I’m listening to Primadonna Girl by Marina and the Diamonds  5. last time you cried: the phone call with D. 6. dated someone twice? Nope. 7. kissed someone and regretted it? I don’t think so?  8. been cheated on? No. 9. lost someone special? Yes :(

10. been depressed? Yep. 11. gotten drunk and thrown up? Nope, I hold my liquor (pretty) well.

fave colours: 12. blue 13: green 14: grey???

in the last year have you… 15. made new friends? Yes, I have :) 16. fallen out of love? Yep (thank the lord) 17. laughed until you cried? I laugh at everything so definitely yes. 18. found out someone was talking about you? Probably? 20. found out who your friends are? Yes. 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list? No last year.

general 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? 70% of them probably. 23. do you have any pets? Yes, a dog. 24. do you want to change your name? I go by anglo nickname of my name on tumblr, but I am very proud of my actual name. Growing up I wanted a very anglo name like Lauren or Emily though. 25. what did you do for your last birthday? Um a lot of shitty things were going on in my life like I wasn’t living at home the week of my birthday, so I didn’t want to celebrate. 26. what time did you wake up today? 10 am, i accidentally slept in. 27. what were you doing at midnight last night? texting 28. what is something you can’t wait for? Meeting up with the guy I like 30. what are you listening to right now? This thing has taken me so long I’m on Homewrecker by Marina now.  31. have you ever talked to a person named tom? like a customer thats it I think. 32. something thats getting on your nerves? so many things.. 33. most visited website: tumblr.com 34. hair color: light brunette 35. long or short hair: I donate my hair every couple of years, and everyone likes me with longer hair, but I notice my hair gets a lot oilier when its short so long. 36. do you have a crush on someone: Yes, this guy I went to high school with. We started hanging out because we had the same spare and he was such a sweetheart. He drove me and our mutual friend around for slurpees. When summer came we stopped talking, but we got in contact a couple of months ago. He makes me really happy, but I think he just likes me as a friend. Plus he’s moving in 5 months to America for university so RIP. 37. what do you like about yourself: not a lot.  38. want any piercings? I kind of want nipple piercing (tmi, i know) but i think i would get it caught on all of my clothes. 39. blood type: O+ most common blood type in my country. 40. nicknames: I have a lot, but I’ll just say Ally since thats what I go by on here. 41. relationship status: single. 

42. zodiac: Gemini 43. pronouns: she/her 44. fave tv shows: NCIS, Brooklyn 99, and The Office.  45. tattoos: I have none right now. 46. right or left handed: right. 47. ever had surgery: Yes. 48. piercings: my ears are pierced. 49. sport: hockey and basketball 50. vacation: in desperate need of one lol 51. trainers: yes, i have a pair?

more general 52. eating: not currently 53. drinking: I’m doing lent so just water (but its my cousins bday this weekend so I’m also allowing alcohol cause I barely go out)

54. watching? nothing at the moment

55. waiting for: money 56. want: a 4.0 GPA 57. get married: maybe i’m really fucked up and would probably ruin them. 58. career: surgeon

which is better 59. hugs or kisses: depends who its from 60. lips or eyes: eyes i guess? 61. shorter or taller: I’ve never really cared before, but the guy I like is 6′5 aND ITS SO HOT OMGGGGG 62. older or younger: usually older, but the guy i like is a few months younger 63. nice arms or stomach: don’t really care, 64. hookup or relationship: relationship. 65. troublemaker or hesitant: i dunno

have you… 66. kissed a stranger: no. 67. drank hard liquor: oui 68. lost glasses: yes, but i always find them. 69. turned someone down: yes 70. sex on first date: Not as of yet we will see? 71. broken someone’s heart: not that i’m aware of  72. had your heart broken: yeaaaa buddy 

73. been arrested: nope 74. cried when someone died: yes. 75. fallen for a friend: YES RIGHT NOW!!!!

do you believe in 76. yourself: meh 77. miracles: sure 78. love at first sight: for jim halpert, sure. 79. santa claus: eh 80. kiss on a first date: sure 81. angels: kind of

other 82. best friends name: LOL NOT SAYING  83. eye colour: blue (they have too much hype)

84. fave movie: Legally Blonde  85. fave actor: I really like Keira Knightley 

I don't think I should number this one, as I just wanted to write something about what's going on for me right now...

I'm on my last week of my "virtual" practicum to finish my first year of Youth Care. I would've been finished, officially on April 27th but whatever. (Stupid Covid). And I have a scheduled court date, preceding May 22nd for my girls. I've been waiting for this since September, my first meeting with my lawyer. Court went on for a long time because James missed the 1st time, didn't answer the phone another time, then this Covid shit started. My court date had been postponed to June 10th, but my lawyer had applied for it to be an emergency case, as their dad wasn't following through with court ordered calls and visits since the last time. May 22nd doesn't seem like that big of a difference to June 10th, but I'm still so happy! Now, if only they'd get ahold of him that day by phone. I really doubt James, though. Not really taking any of this seriously. That crazy kid.

I've been doing really well despite all my setbacks, I think. I have gotten them 3 twin beds, with bedding, in my spare room. I've also bought a bigger table with 6 chairs, so there's enough room for everyone. I bought 3 (used) bicycles, better than nothing. And clothes. I still need to get toiletries for them, bike helmets, and just things I think they'd like. I'm happy I'm a little prepared for their visit. I also still have their bday presents from last year, and Easter baskets from last month lol. A little sad, but it was from James' empty promises to me and the girls.

After buying the table and chairs, my bf and I decided to paint our kitchen walls and cabinets, so we spent most of our quarantine being busy bees. That was hard work. Looks great in our house, though. He actually just left us today to go working out of town. Him and I are in a good place. I know I may have given the impression that he's a shitty person, but he's not lol. He's done shitty things, but we're still in love and in a good place. 😁 Took a lot for me to forgive him and move on, but things have been great these past months.

I swear it was hard work keeping sober. This 2020 seems harder than it was my first year for real. I'm still struggling. My sister is here visiting me n my kid, and she has less than a 12 of coolers in my fridge. It's on my mind of how easy it would be to just open one and drink, but I'm not going to. Omg lol. I know enough to know if I do, I'd be worse off and ruin everything I've worked for. I know I can't control myself when I drink. I drink for days and won't care. That's a place I don't want to be. But to remember the fun times I've had, that's what triggers me. I just need to be stronger man. Crazy.

Other than that, everything else is looking up for me! I've come so far since Sept 2018. Proud of myself.