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fuctacles · 6 months

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Henderson's-brother-centered misadventures continue [Part IV]

[Part I] [Part II] [Part III]

Eddie screamed. Then, he screamed some more. Then, he got hit with a teddy bear, which bounced off into the floor, barely disturbing his mane of hair.

“You get a drop of spit on my pillow, and you’re washing all my sheets!”

He groaned, like a wounded animal. If animals could be wounded by their best friend’s disloyalty.

“No, dude! You can scream into your own fucking pillow! We can jam if you need, smoke or steal a beer, hell, I can even listen to you. But don’t just come here to stink my room with-” Gareth made a flapping motion in Eddie’s general direction. “Whatever this is.”

Eddie groaned louder before finally rolling onto his back.

“I fucking hate him.”

“I was hoping you’d choose jamming,” Gareth sighed. He threw his leg over his chair and leaned on the back of it. “You mean Big Bro Henderson?”

“Who else?” Eddie threw his hands up into the ceiling. His friend barely restrained himself from rolling his eyes. “He’s the most annoying person I’ve ever met!”

“Good thing you can’t meet yourself, then.”

Eddie glared at him, but from this angle, it gave him a double chin which severely decreased the look’s efficiency.

“You calling me annoying?”

“Yes.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘lively’. Or ‘charismatic’! Or, or, ‘non-conforming’!”

“No, I’m pretty sure ‘annoying’ is the word. Also, ‘dramatic’.”

Eddie glared again, but since his position has not changed so hasn’t its lack of impact.

“How dare you,” he seethed. Gareth completely ignored it.

“So, what did he do this time? Give you more cookies?”

“No!” He had regretted the decision to tell him about it as soon as it left his mouth, but it was out there now. Well, the price of the blackmail material was listening to it first. “He just…” Eddie trailed off, realizing what he was about to say. ‘He let me sit in his lap for the whole length of Karate Kid’ was so much harder to explain than ‘he gave me an extra cookie for my good work.’ He scrambled to find a better approach.

“So he’s like a therapy dog,” he started, because painting the scene is important.

“What.”

Wrong approach.

“Okay, so I’ve found out he has some issues, something to do with the Starcourt fire, I think? You know nothing of it, by the way, I probably shouldn't know about it. Henderson, well, the little one, just has a big mouth.”

“And so do you. By telling me,” his friend pointed out.

“Emerson, this isn’t about you,” Eddie scolded him. “So he needs extra physical contact or something. And he might have um…” Wrong turn again. “Engaged me in it?”

“Ok, hold on,” Gareth dropped his forehead on the edge of the chair’s back and rubbed his temples. “What do you mean by that? Because I know it’s not as weird as you make it sound.”

Eddie crossed his arms, which looked extra stupid in his horizontal position. He tapped his socked foot against the mattress.

“We were watching Karate Kid, and the couch wasn’t big enough for four people. Nobody else wanted to sit in his lap and I thought it would be, you know, funny, to offer. And he just said ‘okay’, and did it!” His arms flew up into the air again.

Gareth lifted his head.

“So you sat in his lap.”

“He put me in his lap.”

“Dude, you throw your legs all over me when we watch a movie!”

“Yeah, but that’s different!”

“How?”

“Because we’re friends! We play together and shit!”

Gareth scrunched his nose because while he knew of the wisdom his friend possessed (very selective and rarely occurring in the daylight), admitting him right was painful because the cockiness he possessed was probably far greater.

“Well, maybe he’s giving you signs he wants to be friends?”

Eddie snorted.

"No way. Not possible. No."

"And why is that?" Gareth raised an eyebrow at the adamant negation.

"I'm his younger brother's friend-"

"Who's his age."

"-And we like different things. I'm a freak, I like metal and D&D!"

"So does Dustin, and they get along well."

"They are brothers!"

"Well, I actually hate my sister, it’s not a rule."

Eddie groaned.

"I don't know," he ended up saying, just to voice his internal frustration. At least he was facing the ceiling now and not Gareth's pillow.

He hummed, considering his friend, trying to understand his problem, to even locate it.

"Okay, so you don't like that he's nice?"

"Yes."

"... You want him to be mean?"

"... Yes? Maybe?"

Gareth hit his head against the chair.

"This whole conversation is lost on me."

When he looked up he met Eddie's eyes, a storm brewing behind them.

"I don't want to like him. But he makes it hard not to because he's so nice."

‘He treats me like I'm normal, like his equal’, went unspoken but Gareth could hear it anyway. It was time to end the questions for the day because getting any deeper into his friend's psyche could trap him like quicksand.

"And then I go to apologize and end up talking about BDSM of all things!"

"Nope!" Gareth straightened up and hopped out of his chair. "We're going to the garage, so I can't hear you over the drums."

"What a best friend you are," Eddie grumbled but rolled off the bed regardless. He was secretly glad for an excuse to stop talking about Henderson because he started getting lost in his thoughts and feelings himself.

The next time he sees Steve, he doesn’t make it any easier. They see each other only in passing, and the older brother doesn’t give him more than a weak smile and a "Hi, Eddie. Dustin's upstairs," before leaving.

Eddie walks up to his friend's room thoroughly confused.

"What was that about?" he asks instead of a greeting. He never greets his friends properly these days, but there are more important things like ‘hi’s and ‘hello’s.

"What was what about?"

"Steve," Eddie frowns like it explains everything. And apparently, it does.

"I think he's still upset after last time."

Eddie blinks.

"I said I was sorry!"

Dustin rolls his eyes.

"Sorry doesn't solve everything. It's like a," he snaps his fingers looking for a good comparison. "Like one of the spell components. It's not gonna work without all of them."

Guess he is casting Charm Person after all.

"Okay, but like. What are the other components?"

Dustin just shrugs.

"Hell if I know."

Eddie was burdened with the most unhelpful friends.

"What do you do when you upset him?"

Dustin's first instinct is to protest, probably point out what a great little brother he is, but one stern look from Eddie makes him shut his mouth and reconsider his words.

"Well, if I made him upset, I'd help him with dinner, make him coffee or tea, pick a movie I know he'd like. Help out with chores, mostly. He does too much by himself." The frown on his face is deep like the mystery of Steve's adoption and Eddie mirrors it.

"This sounds all great when you're brothers, but I'm not a Henderson, how am I supposed to pull that off?

"You helped with dinner once, you could do it again,"

Eddie sighs, long and suffering.

"I guess…"

"Great! Steve has left to get groceries and is making dinner later, I'm sure he'll appreciate the help!" He grins, knowing full well he just backed his friend into a corner.

Eddie sputters when he realizes that.

“What? Today?”

“No better time than the present.” Dustin shrugs smugly, like it was a universal law they can’t help but follow.

Eddie bristles, because, yeah, true, but…

“I'm not mentally prepared," he complains.

"For what?" Dustin raises his brows in this annoying way of his. "Cooking?"

"You ate my mac and cheese, you understand the severity of the situation!" he yells, accusingly pointing a finger at him.

"Ate is a big word, I spat it out. And calling it mac and cheese is also a big word."

"Exactly!" Usually Eddie didn't like his abilities slandered like that but on the rare occasion when it served his purpose…

"Steve's first casserole was also inedible," Dustin shrugs and Eddie tries to picture Mr. Perfect Housewife fucking up a dish. "You have about an hour to mentally prepare before he's back though. You can spend it finishing your readings."

Ah, right. The mundane purpose of his visit was schoolwork.

Eddie groans. He can only hope the tragic stories of holocaust victims will set him in the right mind for cooking with Steve.

They don’t. He's heavily unprepared for the confrontation when they're running down the stairs to help with the bags.

When Steve's instructing them which things he needs and which can be put away, Dustin elbows his friend in the ribs, hard. He hisses in pain, attracting Steve's attention.

"You staying for dinner?" he asks before Eddie can say anything.

"Uh, if I can help with it, then yeah," he says, feeling Dustin’s annoying beady eyes on himself.

Steve frowns at him.

"You don't have to do that, I’ve told you before."

"Yeah, but I'm done with my work for today," Eddie adds under the menacing gaze. "And my cooking skills need some guidance. Wayne is too old to stomach my food, he can't risk another food poisoning,” he babbles, earning himself a snort from Steve.

“Okay, if it's that bad,” he agrees finally, the smile Eddie has gotten used to once again on his face. "But you'll be under strict supervision."

"Of course!"

"Okay, you already got yourself a kitchen slave, so I can go finish my work," Dustin speaks up before promptly disappearing, only the sound of his rushed retreating steps left.

"Guess we're alone then," Steve comments, giving Eddie an odd look. He thought he was used to those but Steve's were always hard to decipher. Not the exact kind he usually got.

He clears his throat to dislodge the weird feeling clogging it up.

"So, what are we cooking today?"

Steve hums, looking at the ingredients before him.

"You ever cooked soup?"

"Uh, I assume you don't mean the instant kind?"

Steve makes a disgusted face, fake gags for a good measure too.

"Soup it is then. It's getting colder, and I'm sure Wayne would appreciate it," he says, eyeing Eddie questioningly, and this one he deciphers easily.

"My uncle,” he explains. "I live with him."

To his surprise, Steve smiles warmly.

"Wanna make some extra you can heat up for him?"

"That's-" Eddie's taken aback, which doesn't happen to him often. "That would be very nice, thank you."

"It’s nothing. He should know his nephew is spending his time productively."

"I'm always productive," he mutters back a complete lie. But he's been trying, okay?

"I know," Steve says, surprising him again. "Maybe I want to get on your uncle's good side too."

Eddie doesn't ask why. Doesn't want to know. Doesn't speculate. Just leaves it be, bugging him for the time being.

"I was thinking fritters too? Since they're easy to heat up later."

Eddie nods, watching him sort through the vegetables.

"Whatever you say, chef."

Steve instructs him through the soup preparations first, explaining it needs more time to cook.

“I hope you don’t mind veggie broth. El didn’t like chicken and we kinda got used to it. Also, it’s cheaper,” he says, watching Eddie pour water over the vegetables arranged in the pot.

He puts the pot on the burner and looks up.

"Who's El?"

"Dustin's friend. She moved to California though," Steve answers with a frown.

"That's a bit of a drive."

"Yeah," Steve scrunches his nose, then looks back into the pot, before reaching for a box of seasoning.

"Ok, now for the fun part."

Eddie has no idea how seasoning a pot of vegetable water can be fun, but he's not about to argue. He follows instructions and marvels at the amount of weird plants that could be added to food.

"I feel like a witch," he whispers, tossing dried herbs into his cauldron.

Steve chuckles.

"You kinda look like one."

Eddie side-eyes him from his position over the pot.

"I hope that's a compliment."

"Oh, it is," Steve says in a weird voice and Eddie is too afraid to look at him. He flips through the seasoning packets instead, reading unfamiliar names.

"Okay, so this needs a couple of hours to cook, you'll know when it starts getting together from the smell. Then we'll blanche the onions and garlic, add the tomatoes, blend it all, and it's done. Now we can work on the fritters. Have you done them before?"

Eddie thinks about it for a moment.

"I saw my uncle make them."

"Potato ones?"

"Uh, yeah? Are there more options?" he asks, eyebrows drawn together.

"Apparently, yeah,” Steve rolls his eyes. “A fritter is technically anything you can grate, slap together and fry in a pancake-ish shape."

"Huh. I've learned so much today already."

Steve laughs.

"So, what do you want in the fritters?" he asks and Eddie is ridiculously giddy about having a choice.

"Can we put meat in them?"

"Yeah, I've made them with bacon before."

Eddie's eyes sparkle.

"Potatoes with bacon and cheese?"

"Holy shit,” Steve groans. “Claudia's gonna kill us, but it sounds so good." He ponders on it for a moment. "We could add corn to pretend there are vegetables in them."

"Ketchup is a vegetable," Eddie points out and Steve bristles.

"We're not eating them with ketchup!" he protests. "But… we could use some of the tomatoes to make a sauce."

Eddie never thought cooking could be this fun.

"Yesss!"

"You're way more excited than I thought you'd be," Steve observes, grabbing the potatoes to wash.

"I'm a growing boy, of course I'm excited about food. Besides, we're like two alchemists; mixing up stuff to make other stuff."

Steve laughs again.

"Are those the guys who tried turning metals into gold?"

"Precisely!"

He's tasked with peeling the potatoes while Steve puts bacon in the oven. He’s never good at it, and he huffs angrily when Steve joins him and gets through three potatoes while he peels one. What's worse, he can see him watching and his fingers twitching.

"Okay, I can see you itching to correct me. Just do it."

"You sure?"

"Yeah man, unless you have some disease I could catch, I'll be fine."

Steve winces and Eddie has a lightning-fast memory of a rumour that gays spread a deadly disease. But Steve isn't gay, probably, and it's just a rumour.

Steve is still haste when he rearranges his fingers on the peeler and takes his hand away like touching him burns.

Eddie frowns. Well, that's not gonna cut it.

"Like this?" he asks, making a motion he knows is wrong.

"No, like-" Steve reaches out and hesitates.

"I don't have cooties, come on."

Steve presses his lips together and wraps his hand around his. He has to move closer too, crowding Eddie's side.

"Like this," he says, whispers really, pushing his hand in the right motion.

This suddenly feels more obscene than it is, but Eddie’s half tempted to push it further.

"Your hands are weirdly soft. Do you steal Robin's hand cream?" he asks instead.

Steve huffs at the backhanded compliment and retraces his soft, big hands.

"No, I have my own."

"Hmm." Eddie cocks his head, looking him up and down. "Should have guessed."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Steve asks with a frown, but he can tell the anger is played up.

"Nothing," Eddie shrugs. "You just look like someone taking care of himself."

Steve keeps looking at him like he is not sure if he should be offended or not so Eddie helps him out by rolling his eyes.

“Don't worry, I judge you more for your music than your hygiene.”

“Of course,” Steve huffs. “You wouldn't know much about hygiene anyway, would you?” he teases with a smirk.

Eddie gasps.

“Are you implying trailer trash don't clean themselves?” he asks, eyes wide and offended.

“What? No!” The smile vanishes instantly from his face. “Of course not!” Steve scrambles to defend himself. But then, he cocks his hip and crosses his arms.

“You know what? No. I stand by it. Your hair needs proper care, not whatever 3 in 1 you treat it with,” he says.

“5 in 1,” Eddie corrects him smugly.

“Five?”

“Hair, body, face, beard and ass,” he lists on his fingers, earning himself a look of disgust from Steve.

“For that alone, you’re washing your hands again.”

Eddie knows he doesn't have to, but complies anyway. Whatever makes the big Henderson happy. And consecutively, the little Henderson. And somehow, Eddie himself.

By the time the sun starts setting, he’s gained some valuable culinary knowledge, including the fact that as a cook, he gets to taste the dishes all the time. His growing boy tummy is satiated with a stolen strip of bacon and one of the test fritters he’s munching on, when they hear the door unlock.

“I’m home!” a woman’s voice calls out. Eddie freezes.

“We’re just finishing dinner!” Steve calls back while the man next to him shrinks on himself, looking up at him and wondering why he isn’t being pushed into a closet like a secret paramour.

“Your mom is here?!” he seethes through his teeth, eyes jumping from Steve to the door.

“Well, yeah?” Steve raises an eyebrow. “She lives here?”

“But why am I here?!”

Was Steve this stupid or did he not grasp the severity of the situation?

“You’re cooking? Staying for dinner? Studying? The fuck do you mean man?” he answers, more or less matching his volume.

“Mothers hate me!” Eddie reminds him helpfully, making Steve only roll his eyes with a huff.

“Claudia likes you.”

“She never saw me,” he reminds him. Because as soon as any of the suburban moms caught a whiff of his metal vest, his dark clothes and long hair, he felt disgusted eyes on his back.

And when the Satanist drug dealer rumours reach them? Things only get worse.

“Dude-”

“Oh, hi boys!” A tired-looking blond woman enters the kitchen. Her smile doesn’t waver despite Eddie’s presence, meaning she must have seen some shit in her life. “You didn’t tell me we’ll have a guest today.”

Steve steps in before he can put his foot in his mouth, laying his big warm hand on his shoulder.

“Eddie finished his work early and wanted to help in the kitchen. Hope that’s alright.”

At the mere thought it wouldn’t be, Eddie’s stomach twisted.

“Of course! The more, the merrier!” Claudia smiled, still seemingly genuine, before stepping closer and extending her hand.

“Nice to finally meet you, Eddie. I’ve heard a lot about you from my boys.”

Steve’s hand is still on him squeezing minutely to remind him to shake Claudia’s hand.

“Likewise.” He smiles to his best ability, unable to remember the last time he was friendly with someone's parents. Except Gareth's, maybe.

“What did boys make?” she asks, sniffing the air and trying to peek over his shoulder.

“Tomato soup, like you asked, and some fritters.”

“With veggies, I hope?” She squints at her oldest (newest?) son.

“There’s corn in them, and we made a tomato sauce.” He smiled brightly and Eddie could tell he was happy to play the good kid role.

“Good. I’m gonna change and get back to you,” she says before disappearing upstairs, probably to harass the younger Henderson now.

“Why was she so nice?” Eddie muses, half to Steve, half to himself, half to the universe in general. Wait, that's three halves. Well, he didn’t fail school because of his great math skills.

“She's always nice.” Steve steps away to work on the next batch of fritters.

“Not to me! Mothers hate me! I bet she’s just pretending but as soon as I disappear, you're gonna hear all about it!”

“Hey!” Steve turns back towards him, frowning. And uh-oh, he upset him again. On his reverse-upset mission. “Claudia’s not some uptight bitch like that. She likes all our friends and you're not an exception. Just because you dress differently isn’t gonna ban you from the house or get us in trouble.” He knocks him on the head for good measure. “You’re safe here.”

“Okay,” Eddie simply says, taken aback. Being welcomed somewhere was a feeling he still had to process.

“We're safe here,” was a soft addition he almost missed over his own loud thoughts but made him even more curious about Steve himself.

User tags: @i-have-three-feelings @mblogs @awkwardgravity1 @imacowboy3 @just-a-tiny-void @clumsiluni @shotgunhallelujah @halfadoginatank @carlprocastinator1000 @irregular-child

#steddie #eddie munson #steve harrington #stranger things #mine #ff #st #stranger things 4 #steddie fanfiction #steve henderson #the hendersons

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remholder · 8 days

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J7 fic rec list

FINALLY sitting my ass down and getting one of these written up! wanted to make a list that had fics ive never seen rec'd before and as someone who has dug pretty deep in some mucky trenches (ff.net and passion and perfection specifically), i thought itd be cool to hand over some of my favs ive read over the years while these are in no particular order, there is one fic i really want to highlight: 16 Hours by Bailey B. (explicit) Captain Janeway interrupts Seven of Nine's regeneration cycle to invite her to dinner in the captain's quarters. Things progress from there, but not everything is as it seems. now, this fic right here - it was the very first j7 fanfic i had EVER read. all the way back in (roughly) 2007. no big deal, really, youd think? except i was 14 and i had no real business reading this fic (its explicit and i was underage). another thing - i had NEVER seen anything of Star Trek: Voyager. i knew the very, VERY basics of it, but i was the needle in the haystack here. because of this fic, and how kind it was with explaining the basics of Kathryn Janeway and Seven of Nine - ive been a fan ever since. --- Can't Take My Eyes Off You (orphaned account) While on an alien planet, a few of Voyager's crew get distracted by a former Borg. But let's be honest, who wouldn't get distracted by a Borg that looked like THAT? a fic where everyone (and i mean like...everyone) realizes how attractive Seven of Nine is - however our favorite exBorg only has eyes for Voyagers Captain. --- Past Tense by Patrica L. Givens (daxilla) (explicit) A threat from the past returns to threaten the very existence of Voyager and her crew. Can Seven save them, and deal with the realization of her changing feelings for the Captain at the same time? TIME TRAVEL SHENANIGANS!!!! also Seven bonding with Gretchen will always hold a very special place in my heart. --- The Adventure of a Lizard Captain by Captain Thrace A teleport accident transforms the Captain of Voyager and forever changes her relationship with the resident Borg Drone, Seven of Nine. After both spend years orbiting each other, will this event finally bring them together? i had taken a long break from j7 content, and when i got back into the fandom (around early/mid 2020), this was one of the first fics i read. it's silly, it's a angsty when it needs to be, it's an all around good time. i love it so much i make art based off it like every year! --- Antarra IV by JanewayorNoWay (explicit) The Captain has fallen in love with a certain tall, blond ex-Borg, but the sentiment hasn't been reciprocated. Furious with herself for getting herself in too deep, and upset with Seven for not returning her feelings, she does something hasty and stupid. I've noticed that a lot of fics have Kathryn putting her foot down in regards to a relationship (a possible one or one already in effect) with Seven - so when I came across this one, where's SEVEN being the one to do so, it immediately became a favorite. Angst, hurt/comfort, and some good ol FUCKING! what more could you ask for? --- a special shoutout to The Golden One, a very beautifully written fic that was a rewrite of Scorpion pt. 2 that was deleted last year that i have a .txt file of and will forever hold dear

#J7 #kathryn janeway #seven of nine #janeway/seven #fic rec #UHHHHH yall can also add your own rec's too #bonus points if theyre ones you ALSO dont see in other rec lists

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w1f1n1ghtm4r3 · 8 months

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ippiki au lore dump

if the name of the au does not make it very obvious, this au was inspired very heavily by the trained cards for kick it up a notch (i just chose to reference the comm, hitsuji ga ippiki, as the au name because it sounds cooler than calling it like. kickup au. so its ippiki au instead. when i first started working on this i just called it animal fighters au but thats long LOL)

its one of my favorite sets, im a big fan of dystopian and post-apocalyptic themes which the set hits perfectly and there was room to have fun with animal designs (i mean, seriously, they gave kohane sheep horns and named akitos costume "hound kid") and so i started thinking from the moment i laid eyes on the set when it leaked and i ended up with an au based around the idea of animal/human hybrids.

first of all for actual au stuff, character profiles! these were made a lot earlier on into working the au so ive made minor adjustments to their designs since then, but nothing drastic. mainly just little things ive changed when drawing them in more detail, like additional scars and such.

while making kohane a sheep and akito a dog (hes... not a specific kind of dog. hes a mix of a whole bunch of different larger domestic dog breeds combined with some wild canines. ) were obvious from the set, deciding on the animals for an and touya required a bit more thought. i ended up settling on a fox for an partially as a nod to her ny3 card and also because for a long time now ive thought theyre fitting for her anyway, and touya as a black leopard because... he's kitty. but i wanted to make him a big kitty not a domestic kitty. i do also like bunny touyas but for how i was feeling with this au i wanted him to be a cat.

theres the fun little detail that kohane is the only animal that isnt a predator in vbs.

but i should probably explain why theyre animal hybrids in this au.

im going to put the rest of the lore dump and more art below, this gets long.

basically, in the face of a coming apocalypse, there was an effort to attempt to hybridize humans with animals to see if they could create a form of human (or something seen as "human enough") that would be more resilient if the apocalypse threatened the survival of normal humanity. it was never completely successful and the hybrids were less stable/generally shorter lived (if physically stronger) but it ended up being unnecessary and enough of humanity survived to rebuild. but the experiments to create hybrids continued.

in the present day of the au, hybrids are created for... less pleasant tasks. the kinds of things people dont want to take on, and theyre physically stronger than the average human so theyre put to those jobs instead. or theyre created as showpieces/pets for the wealthy (most people outside of those circles find it strange to keep hybrids like that though. hybrids arent always seen as being truly human (although theyre fully capable of everything human and then some) but theyre still seen as human enough for it to be weird).

many of them though, are created as sacrifices for entertainment in battle arenas where theyll have to fight each other to the death. its a seemingly inevitable fate to die there once theyre sent, but escape has happened before. an is living proof of that, as both of her parents are escaped arena fighters who helped establish a small town of hybrids out in the wasteland beyond the city at the core of hybrid creation and sacrifice.

how an ended up as an arena fighter despite being born well outside the city... thats a long story.

touya is a showpiece fighter, created to fight but kept secure and safe outside of his registered fights. he might be healthier physically, much less worn down by fighting, but hes been very socially isolated and doesnt fit in with other hybrids very well.

an and touya fight in the same arena, and touyas fight days are the only times he interacts with other hybrids. hes given free reign around the hybrid compound (where most other hybrids are restricted under collars and chains) and he ends up meeting an there. although tense, they become sort of friends and he frees her and they escape together.

kohane and akito are just normal arena fighters, created solely for that purpose, although kohane was meant as an early sacrifice due to her skittish nature, but she survives. theyre in the same arena as each other, although its a harsher one than the one antouya are in, theyre unable to properly interact with anyone else at all and are just lucky enough to be neighbors to end up bonding.

i just grouped them based on which side of their face they have the barcodes on in the original cards lol in this au the arenas generally brand their fighters with a code for identifying them. touyas is actually not permanent like the others, but temporarily applied whenever he has a fight coming up (like a temporary tattoo lol)

kohane managing to survive despite the intention being that she dies is actually the driving force that starts the fic for this au (which fun fact, despite me never mentioning the title, does have a title! the fic will be called "fight, flight, freedom", unless i think of something that fits even better, but i already like the title as is so i probably wont change it)

its rough but i promise everyone gets a happy ending eventually :)

now for sitting through all that rambling heres some art

heres my very initial attempts at designs for them! no drastic changes even since this initial pass at designs tbh i was pretty content with them pretty quickly

some various doodles of them interacting, some during/around the time of the fic and others post-fic

what if they were... more animal? like furries instead of just the ears/tails? obviously noncanon but it was a fun little thing to draw

wip aged up designs! heavily inspired by the power of unity set because it also fits into the post apocalyptic type theme and i thought would work for them when theyre a little older. assume theyre about 20-21 here, while in the main canon of the au theyre about 16-17.

a silly little sketch i did last week of aged up akikoha in their burn my soul outfits... kohane cant really wear hats, horns are inconvenient for that. everyone elses ears would probably make hats difficult too, but you could probably make holes for their ears. you cant really make holes for the tops of her horns.

some little finished pieces i did for this au. can you tell akito is my favorite to draw for this?

now heres some other random au facts

an and haruka are childhood friends, haruka also being the child of ferals. haruka is a domestic cat hybrid (either a gray or black cat, i havent decided which yet). she is not in their hometown anymore either. where is she now...? ill leave you to wonder about that.

kohane and minori grew up in the same group of created hybrids together, theyre friends but were sent to different places so they dont know whats happened to each other since. minori is a goat btw (inspired by her halloween card)

a lot of ans scars are from injuries that snowballed after an incident in a fight that severely broke her tail and led to part of it being amputated. her balance was thrown off for a while after that so she was a little clumsier in fights than normal

akitos scars on the other hand are caused by the fact that hes a reckless fighter. a good fighter, but not much care for the damage he takes in the process. that and improper padding on his collars and muzzle, leaving those spots unable to fully heal from being rubbed against metal for months and when they finally do heal they scarred.

im still sorting things out for sure but tentatively for vbs npcs i have decided on fox ken and yuka (obviously, same as an), tiger taiga (i mean... how could i not go for the pun. and i think it suits him), maned wolf nagi (update march 2024 ive drawn nagi now so this is what has been made canon), raccoon kotaro, caracal arata, and dog souma (sorry to any tatsuya fans, i have not figured out how to include him in the au at all)

vbs all very clingy with each other once they get comfortable together. platonic polysquad ❤️

other characters outside of vbs exist in this au but theyre just not relevant enough to the story for me to include here 👍

the fic outline is like 2.4k words. the first chapter is a couple scenes away from being finished and its about 5k words. it will not be the longest chapter of the fic. this is going to be a long au.

maybe ill do another lore dump another day if i can think of more stuff. well see.

if you made it this far, thank you for reading, heres an edit i made the moment we got high quality versions of the cards and is probably partially responsible for the existence of this au

#w1f1 ramblings #w1f1 draws #ippiki au #project sekai #vivid bad squad #long post #sorry this is an absurdly long post #i may be a little hyperfixated on my own au. lol.#i just love my fucked up little creatures #my goal is to hopefully finish the fic by the time kickup reaches ensekai #but we shall see when i complete it id rather make it good than rush to get it out in time

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d1gnan · 5 months

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some thoughts abt aesthetics, the way people engage with my art so far and also stuff youll be seeing from me in the next year..

first off i wanna say im not actually educated on any of this and its all just coming from personal experience/ its kind of just a mad mans rambling

im the kind of person who is always curating, always putting like with like (on a consistently changing/personal/almost random metric that spans like any kind of media , things tangible and abstract, my memories, yadda yadda (everyone does this to some degree but as an artist and an introspective person, i find it hard to just let stuff go once i form a connection. (and im sure a lot of u guys reading this are like this too, tumblr is like The website for people like this) im hyper aware of everything that ever happens to me and im always trying to connect everything with everything else

(forgive me too in advance cause ive never been satisfied with my ability to explain myself and usually i just let everything i do speak for itself/dont bother trying. im really really visual and i usually think of things In pictures too so it just frustrates me to try and describe something thats worth a thousand words..

jewelry came pretty quickly to me as a favorite art form because its a way to convey some of what goes on in my head when i engage with the media i like , being able to turn all these pretty abstract feelings into colors shapes symbols.. a lot of times when i listen to something or watch something, i get almost itchy with the feeling of needing to get the way i percieved it out into the world in a visual and tangible way asap before it loses its original shape or before i forget how it made me feel. (dementia runs in my family so a lot of my art is trying to archive my feelings since i know i wont have them forever.. its almost a frantic need to be seen/known by others before its too late.

a lot of the jewelry ive custom made for people has been specifically music and film related, and thats been a great thing because i can both 1) make something that satisfies my own vision of the thing but 2) it is still easily readable by others as related 2 the source material because the design language usually is distinct enough to withstand being skewed too much by my own personal associations

moving forward tho, i have a TON of ideas for way more personal/abstract/highly conceptual projects, and have been slowly gathering pieces so that i can do full justice to my vision for them.

doing this has first and foremost always been an art form/way to express myself . i do it because of the ideas, i do it because i have to do it, and then im left with a bunch of stuff that i would like way more to be in the hands of someone who relates to it. and, i do it in a way thats not at all good for being a business owner. if i'm going to create a product, i would be going against my ideals if i didnt try to battle with all the things i hate about products. fast fashion and aliexpress craft supplies and mass production.. (to have a successful business you need a lot of the same product, it needs to be easy to make and you need to be able to get your materials cheap. all of which i can't and wouldn't do, so it's a very shit thing to attempt to make a living off of..

maybe this sounds a little funny too when you look at my work and then at what i have to say about it.that i think about it so seriously since it's something any one can do. my kid sister makes jewelry, it's a pretty accesible hobby. the idea of making jewelry based off of media is also the furthest thing from unique, which brings me thinking about the reception of my art online so far, and some weird stuff i've noticed.

when you're making anything that you mention is directly "inspired by" something else, you run into some pretty weird habits from others online, and a kind of unique way of engaging with "aesthetics" thats started in the past couple years. what im talking about now is less movies/music. its stuff that blurs the line between an existing body of work to reference and just a concept. ( y2k, fill in the blank-core, frutiger metro/aero).. i'm really into most eras of these fashion / design trends/aesthetics in a historian/archivist kind of way, and i really enjoy to do work inspired by things like this, but these are always way more personally influenced than anything made for a movie/music. i went semi-viral (feels so dumb to say seriously lol) on tiktok for a frutiger metro/sleepyhead by passion pit inspired bracelet.

i get hate on most posts on tiktok since its a gigantic platform(as well as praise) but the majority of comments always tend to be people correcting the authenticity to the aesthetic ive listed as an inspiration. people way smarter than me have way better things to say on this, and if i tried to go too into detail with it this post would be even crazy longer, but ive seen people call it "what aesthetic is this" culture, (some examples of this: " "this aesthetic is called this, not that" "this aesthetic is from this time frame only" xyz

i never know what to do, because i want to respond by explaining that i see these aesthetic names/labeling system solely as a tool. to help people find and connect like with like. labeling aesthetics is just recognizing a pattern. knowing the "name" of an aesthetic can help you find similar things, but there are no set time periods to any of this unless you are specifically making something that is an exact recreation of something else or making a period piece. everything comes back in some way over and over again. rigidly defining aesthetics is flawed/missing the point because aesthetics are completely individual/unmeasurable/skewed by experiences/memories/opinions. its a little different too when it comes to stuff thats actually like made For marketing cause that Will have an exact language that goes with it or whatever, but most of the time i see people arguing about an aesthetic thats not even applicable. there are genuinely no rules to what fits an aesthetic because anything you create, you add your own experiences to and are effectively continuing these patterns in a new way/ sometimes creating a whole new movement or sub category if you are really into labeling it as something directly. peoples personal art is definitely affected by their time/whatever the common design language was at the time, so thats where a lot of the names get born, but when you make it this rigid thing , "this needs to be more like this.. this needs to be more like that.." you'd be right- but only in the sense that yes, it IS that way, For You. in your mind you experience it that way, it is your personal relation to seeing these patterns. and you can use these aesthetic tools to expand on what was done before you, you can use these images to convey your own perspective so that i can try to understand it.

marketing vs personal aesthetics is a different thing that idk how to tackle with my like super limited language but for example, when someone is using a popular aesthetic to sell you something, you can tell. it's shallow and impersonal. looking back on ads that are dated and use a certain aesthetic usually tinges them with nostalgia that you can take and make into something that it wasn't because you have this priceless new angle to look at it with. if you believe in aesthetics as being this rigid thing, you dont get new ideas, you dont get new sub aesthetics, you dont get new movements, you get a copy of a copy, you get shein clothes. and! anyone can call anything they want an "aesthetic" ..any collection of things together influenced by anything in the world can be an entirely new aesthetic.. and im so sick of typing the word aesthetic

but i know that if theyre commenting something like this, they r so fundamentally different from me/ engage with the world in such a different way then i do that it would be a waste of time to try to explain..

i am a little scared when i launch some of the new projects i've been working on they'll be met with this kind of reaction. maybe ill try to write some kind of TLDR, some kind of zine to send along with any of my bracelets, some kind of manifesto about sustainability/personalization/mindful consumpution.. but it takes a long time for me to feel good about explaining myself, even this post ive deleted and restarted countless times.

ill post some more about some of the "aesthetics " (i gotta figure out better language for this shit i swear to god) ive found inspiring that have heavily influenced these upcoming projects, as well as scans from books ive collected that match the design language and i definitely want to release kind of a companion zine with the collections that include music/fashion/home photos etc...

if u have any thoughts or anything about any of this id love to hear it, or answer questions or expand on shit, this is kind of just like a word version of me throwing mac and cheese up at the ceiling and seeing if anything sticks.

thanks to anyone whos said anything nice about my stuff, i love u guys more than lyfe

and if you read all of this youre a g

💚

#d1gsart #talk tag #artists on tumblr #art #dinner party #dnr pty

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snowywinterevenings · 2 years

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Whumptober WIP

So this one will be for Day 13: Are you here to break me out?

Featuring a much softer, not quite sithywan and a Cody who is completely over the war. It has also gotten a bit out of control so I’ll be posting it as the first chapter of its own fic and finishing it after whumptober.

“Hello there.”

Cody pauses outside of the cell, trying to make out the shape of the being who spoke to him from the shadows. Pale fingers curl around the bars and Cody can just barely make out the fact that the speaker is a man with messy ginger hair shot through with white and a beard that is just as unruly. He looks like he hasn’t seen the light in years, skin sallow and eyes edged with dark circles. He is too thin, his ragged clothes hanging off of him, and his eyes are the faint gold of the first rays of the morning sun.

He can do nothing but draw his blaster, making the man scramble back in terror, and he holds his hands up placating and soothing, not having thought about how his actions might look. “I’m just going to blow the lock off of the door. I’m not going to hurt you.”

Cody does just as he explained, and the door comes open with a groan as though no one has opened it in years. The man steps out of the cell warily, watching Cody like he might change his mind and decide to attack him and shuffles back a step when Cody holds out his hand. Cody can see more of him now, painfully thin and clearly abused, and he hopes that the Jedi put Dooku in a grave just as Dooku and his army have put so many of Cody’s brothers in the ground.

“Let’s get you out of here. You can get cleaned up, and one of our medics can tend to your injuries. And we can get you a warm meal.”

Cody doesn’t know what they have that isn’t slop or ration bars, but he thinks those options might both be okay with the newly freed prisoner. The man doesn’t respond, instead holding up his hands, likely hoping that Cody will remove the cuffs he wears. His wrists are badly chafed beneath them, some spots raw and possibly infected, and Cody isn’t about to make him wait until they reach the medics to be free of the cuffs. Projecting his intention, he grasps the link between the cuffs and points his blaster down at it, carefully aiming at the floor where it will not hit either of them. The cuffs clatter away, and the man makes a sharp sound and sways into him, narrowly avoiding collapsing to the floor only because Cody gets hands around him.

“You feel like the sun. I haven’t felt the sun in so long.” He whispers the words and then goes limp in Cody’s arms, and Cody hefts him up, wincing at how light he feels for a human of his size.

He hands the man over to the medics when he gets outside, and he doesn’t think much about him while they complete their mission, freeing the few remaining prisoners and defeating Dooku and his droids. He feels satisfaction at the knowledge that Dooku opted against surrender, pleased that he has faced the same fate as so many of Cody’s brothers. There will be far feeer casualties moving forward, and if they are lucky, when the clean up is over, perhaps they will be granted citizenship and freedom.

He is staring out at the stars unable to sleep when the wraith of a man finds him, clad only in a hospital gown and draped in a thin sheet. He is still pale and battered, but he has showered, and his injuries have been tended. Cody wants to usher him back to medical, knows he should probably be hooked to half a dozen IVs, but he leans against the viewport with such a wistful expression, that Cody doesn’t dare to chase him back to bed.

“Thank you for freeing me. My apologies for fainting. It has been awhile since I have felt the Force, and it was a bit overwhelming to feel so much all at once.” Eyes dart to his, blue now instead of gold, and Cody wonders if it is a characteristic of his species or if it was simply a trick of the light.

“You’re a Jedi?”

The man shakes his head. “I was. I don’t know what I am now.” He has a soft, core worlds accent, though it sounds a bit raspy, likely from disuse.

“What do you want to be?” Cody doesn’t know what possesses him to ask the question. He doesn’t even know his name.

“Free,” is his whispered answer, and a tear tracks its way down his cheek, and that is a sentiment Cody understands. He has wanted nothing but freedom for himself and his brothers for months now.

The man sways when he moves to step away from the viewport, and Cody catches him again. He doesn’t protest when he scoops him up, instead tucking his head under his chin. He is asleep by the time Cody delivers him to Triage, and he lingers as they get him reattached to all of their machines. The screen closest to his bed lists his name as Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Cody commits it to his memory.

#codywan #my fics #whumptober2022 #whumptober #my wips #WIP

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figbian · 26 days

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oooh can we see some of those fences director's cuts 👀👀

yes yes yes!! for those curious here's fences which is um. a time travel fix-it but only in the sense everyone lives... its steve pov which means you get VERY LITTLE info about the plot and whats Actually happening for the other characters, so ive been keeping a "director's cut" as a potential to explain what the hell is going on for everyone else. heres a couple moments from ch1:

“[The dreams] start in early November. Steve can’t remember, at this point, what the first dream is. In his defense, he doesn’t really expect it to happen again. He didn’t know to mark it on the calendar as the first of something important. Steve’s never had that kind of forethought. He’s never had anything happen to him and think: this is going to change my life.” i had the robin/steve scene written pretty much from the beginning. the fic rotates around two scenes: this scene, and the eleven introduction. everything else is just…fic. it’s why i wrote that last line, because the stobin reuniting scene reads: “‘Steve,’ she says, and she’s laughing, and Steve, through his concern and fondness and sudden clarity, thinks, You’re who I was looking for. Steve, for all his lack of foresight, looks at her and knows. Robin Buckley, the weird girl from band who he’s pretty sure is in Nancy’s year—Robin Buckley’s going to change his life.” its all about the stobin, baby! barb in general in this fic is rlly interesting as the foil of eddie in a lot of ways, which kind of makes nancy as steve’s foil… which makes a lot of sense, bcs while this fic doesnt deal w s2 explicitly, it’s most like s2 overall, in that nancy is spiraling bcs of the pretending and steve doesnt know how else to cope. poor barb is coping with her death just like eddie is, and in another version of this fic where it’s nancy pov (which i may very well end up writing) it affects her relationship w nancy in really interesting ways!

“His hair is shoulder length, for one, and he’s in a flannel. His jeans are black, at least. It’s kind of weird, since Steve can’t actually picture Eddie any other way (maybe he had a buzzed head in middle school? Steve isn’t sure), but it still feels off-putting. Not quite right.” i have a LOT of like. first senior year!eddie thoughts. i spent a lot of time thinking about how ive changed in the past three years, and how i’d changed from 17 to 20, and how that’s been shaped by my surroundings (and how it hasn’t) + how i changed from freshman to senior year. three years is a long time when you’re 17/18. i thought a lot about the kinds of hand-me-downs i received when i was younger & my family was less well off, and kind of matched that w eddie. he receives his leather jacket for christmas from wayne (ill point out the scene where we see it) + in an original draft of fences, he & steve go to the concert where he gets the back patch for his battle jacket in august ‘84. in my mind, he crafts this whole jacket based on the patch (which is cut out from a shirt)––this is loosely based on when my friend made her battle jacket. but ya. in my mind, as eddie fails the more hes like. fuck it. im gonna do what i wanna do. but it also takes time to build a wardrobe, so its still slow going.

Eddie’s got this pleased look on his face. Like Steve passed some sort of test. “You quit or something?” eddie and steve are really interesting (to me) in terms of internalized homophobia. to me. eddie’s always testing steve in fences, seeing how “gay” he’ll go, because eddie still thinks being gay is shameful + assumes steve is ashamed of “gay” behaviors. eddie is simultaneously ashamed of his own “gay” behaviors and ashamed of that shame while expecting it of steve. he thinks he’s mocking steve when he points out what he perceives as “gay” activities, even though what he’s really doing is attacking his own sense of self. i’ll try and point out some instances of this as they come up. meanwhile, steve misinterprets eddie’s internalized homophobia as like. regular homophobia. steve is gay (in that he’s bisexual), and his “gay behaviors” are because of that fact he’s queer, but he’s afraid of eddie noticing because he’s afraid eddie will shun him. steve’s in this really interesting position where he has this half-memory that strengthens over the course of the fic to real knowledge of what it’s like to lose your parents’ support & respect but hasn’t lost that respect yet. he can’t allow himself to be bisexual and keeps trying to “choose” heterosexuality even though that’s not how it works because he’s desperate to get things right this time around and have his parents’ love, even if that means going against what he wants and who he is. for having this dilemma, steve’s parents are notably absent: he will never have their love in the way he craves, and instead what he’s currently experiencing is simply their apathy.

here we go!! with minor spoilers for what will happen next lol... man i miss writing fences so bad! hopefully ill return to it soon bcs its SUCH an interesting piece to write and has made me think so so deeply about the characters and source material. id also like to go back and edit it at some point just to clean up phrasing, fix typos, etc.

#i LOVEEE the nancy/barb/robin situation in fences #bcs nancy/barb is a VERY clear parallel of jonathan/nancy s3 (nancy Needs to Know even tho its hurting her relationship etc) but also #parallels steddie #but also is clearly thinking abt the stancy breakup of s2 #Yeah. anyways ummmmm fences my beloved i MISS YOU #rambles #closet case fic to the extreme for real for real #id rlly like to release this directors cut when i finish the fic bcs i have sm to say about fences...she is rlly special!#asks #anyways thanks for asking hoping these three snippets are as intriguing to everyone else as they are 2 me<3 <3 <3

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hauntedselves · 1 year

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hello, im not sure if ive sent this ask to another blog or if it was yours and its simply in the queue but i thought id ask again just in case

main q : could you explain what would qualify shallow vs deep, intense, andor strong emotions ?

personal context : it feels like my emotions are both at once. this seems to be a trait of hpd, but i only have bpd to my knowledge, though cluster b pds do ofc tend to share traits

im not quite sure how to explain my experience but it might be one of these :

my feelings seem big but i cannot acces them / i can only handle them mechanically and from a distance (dissociation ?)

my emotions are deep in the moment, but they change rapidly and once theyre over i forget how they truly felt and associate their lack of permenance with fakeness (general bpd symptoms + emotional impermanence)

i generally feel more numb than most ppl so even small feelings feel intense to me and so im very intolerent to them

i like putting words to how i feel, so having a definition for "shallow" emotion would help, and so would knowing if other ppl experience similar feelings

and thank you so much for running this blog :]

yes i got your previous ask, and it's been sitting in my drafts since you sent it because i don't know the answer!

i can't find anything that actually explains what shallow emotions are, only that they happen and are particularly common in HPD, BPD, and probably NPD and AsPD. it's part of the criteria for HPD ("Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions."), and it's often paired with the contradiction that emotions can be shallow and deep, intense and limited at the same time.

as for your personal experiences:

"my feelings seem big but i cannot acces them / i can only handle them mechanically and from a distance" - yep, that sounds like dissociation, or at the very least emotional dysregulation. very common in BPD.

"my emotions are deep in the moment, but they change rapidly and once theyre over i forget how they truly felt and associate their lack of permenance with fakeness" - you're right again, classic BPD & emotional dysregulation(/impermanence).

"i generally feel more numb than most ppl so even small feelings feel intense to me and so im very intolerent to them" - also classic dissociation & emotional dysregulation

i don't know which of these, if any, is an experience of shallow emotions, because i don't know what shallow emotions means! if i had to guess, i would say the first and second ones seem like something i would call "shallow" emotions. but that's a guess because, again, i don't know!

sorry it took so long for such an unsatisfactory answer!

#dogasks #emotional dysregulation #shallow emotions #shallow affect

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gontagokuhara · 9 months

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Omg I just noticed that you responded to my ask earlier thank you so much!! 😭😭😭 also im like way overdue for commenting on ao3 so it's all good 😭 ANYWHO I was just thinking about one of the chapter rewrites and wanted to ask about it! When one of the soldiers asks Kaede about her name, is there a reason why it was changed from Maizono to Akamatsu? 🤔 also I guess I'll ask why Nagito doesn't say shit anymore for shits and giggles since I commented about it before😭😭😭😭

hi hi!! first off omg there is never any pressure to review, theyre like the cherry on top but Never something that should be an obligation <3

also apologies for formatting as i answer your questions LOL i am on mobile on a lil roadtrip i will TRY my best to make this not obscene to have show up on the tl so. pointy objects discussions beneath the cut! (hopefully) (please tumblr mobile)

side note but i really like how its not *just* me that’s caught all the QoL changes i made a while back! and they bring up good questions which im happy to answer, even if some of them are less interesting than they appear!

like the kaede question! initially, i had her introduce herself as ‘maizono’ but as i was going back and editing a few months back, in the midst of rereading i felt her identifying herself as ‘akamatsu’ made more sense for a few reasons. one: her legal name is kaede akamatsu, and she has just never identified with the maizono name and what it represents to her personally.

and two (and more importantly): in this instance she’s introducing herself to novoselic soldiers, working at the direction of sonia nevermind — a goddess, automatically giving them better knowledge of the gods than the average human. at that point the situation amongst the gods was very hectic; makoto and byakuya’s child has been stolen by monsters and is presumed dead. the entire underworld has been cut off. junko was agitating amongst the gods and jeering at her confessed role in rantarou’s death because of her claim shuuichi has her spear. war is threatening to break out at the hands of no less than 3 of the Big Five gods, not to mention all the ones getting involved in order to keep their kids safe. and then seven more kids go missing, out from under the noses of nagito and hajime, with absolutely nobody knowing what the fuck is going on. sonia, given her conviction especially for keeping kiibo safe after her previous child was killed at camp, was genuinely under the impression kiibo would never go willingly with the holder of the spear, so her assumption was that the other demigods forced their hand. all of THAT to say: kaede introducing herself with the last name of a goddess would have put suspicion on the group much sooner than said suspicion actually appeared.

so not only did i feel it was more in-line with kaede’s character to make the change, but i also thought it made more sense.

and then for the other query, about me taking away nagito’s rights to say bad words 💔 ive been replaying sdr2 and, more relevant, been spending a TON of free time writing nagito (+ the other sdr2 characters) for my own personal project, and i felt my updates to his (and gundham’s, for that matter) dialogue felt more in line with his in-game characterization. i also think nagito deserves to let his freak flag fly a little, but he really doesn’t curse much in canon (a “what the hell” or a “damn it” here or there, as i recall) and since i love nagito so much i made some tweaks to his dialogue to hopefully make him feel more…him. same with gundham in chapter 4!

this was very fun to answer, thank you! 🫶 as always if any further questions arise that i’m able to answer, i’m happy to! im kind of rattling around my own cage with this fic bc none of my friends are into danganronpa LOLLL so getting to explain my thought process is fun!

#ask #bittercideristaken #pointy objects

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devilofthepit · 1 year

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eleven and seventeen?

11. favorite mcr album art?

revenge no question. i cant quite explain why but something about it has always spoken to me, i saw it at age 12 and was forever changed i think. this doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that it’s my favorite album, in fact i think part of why it’s my favorite album is because of the art. first of all, it reminds me a lot of vampires. i’ve always been drawn to vampires, an obsession that i think grew with my discovery of this album, even if it’s not actually about vampires, because aesthetically there are definitely a lot of nods to the vampire aesthetic which i really love. i feel like a lot of my aesthetic choices have been based off of that album cover, it just feels very me. i love thé black and red color scheme, again probably because of how i associate it with vampires and there’s something so gender about it. i definitely prefer some of gerard’s art to others but i think the style looks really cool here. someone pointed out how the girl looks kinda like gerard and i haven’t gotten that out of my head since. there’s also something in their expressions that’s so tragic even if theres not a lot of detail to them. i like the blood on its own, but i also like how it’s this watercolor style, i think that’s really cool. and then the way blood is spattered all over the rest of it. i’m not really putting it into words right because it’s more of a feeling of connection ive always had with the album and it’s art rather than specific qualities i can pinpoint, but i think love and art aren’t really things that need to be quantified and dissected like that.

17. favorite mcr lyric of all time?

ooh this is so hard. honestly i’m kind of bad with lyrics bc i process music as just Sounds rather than words, but mcr are such great lyricists that there are definitely some that stick out for me. at the moment i’m thinking about “and did you come to stare or wash away the blood?” from desert song, since i’ve been listening to it on repeat for unknown reasons, tho im not sure that’s my all time favorite. i have a ton written down in a notes app note for lyrics i like just bc i enjoy the way they sound, though i don’t really have any personal reason for them being my favorites. one that i’ve always thought about though is “i’m not dead i only dress that way” from boy division, because my chemical romance has always inspired the way i dress including looking weird and kind of dead and just overall very strange looking, it’s very gender to me. i started listening to mcr when i used amazon music in middle school and conventional weapons wasn’t on there but as soon as i’d heard of that lyric i went to youtube to listen to it and it’s been a favorite ever since, and it was amazing to hear live.

thinking about hearing it live also made me think of hearing burn bright live and being able to scream out “cause it makes me who i am / and you made me who i am / be afraid of what i am,” because even if i didnt listen to conventional weapons a lot when i first became a fan, those lyrics really exemplify my feelings about the band and how they’ve shaped the person i am today, they’re the only band from my middle school emo phase that ever really stuck with me and i’ve listened to them for a third of my life. for me, these lyrics are a combination of reverence/homage for how the band helped me get through middle school when i struggled a lot with mental health for the first time and began to truly think about my identity for the first time, as well as how they’ve been with me well on after that time and have been there through every major change in my life and can always make me really happy just thinking about them. it’s more than a middle-school nostalgia for me bc my love for the band is just a part of me now. i also like how these lyrics tie in with the “not ashamed of what i am” and the general queer undertones of the song, because i associate my chemical romance a lot with my own queerness, having discovered them when i began to realize i was gay and taking a lot of inspiration from them for my gender presentation. and also i’m someone who feels a lot of shame and general self-doubt even outside of my queerness that i like these lyrics’ message of just like, being who you are, as corny as that sounds. i think that’s kinda the core message of mcr as well :)

#sorry this is so long i didn’t realize i had so many thoughts. mcr special interest and whatnot #mcr #minirovks #thank u sm for the chance to talk abt this!!!

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lunatic-fandom-space · 1 year

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Guess who just wrote a really long and detailed post in my notes app that I accidentally managed to delete. meeeeeeeee <3

So yeah, for better or for worse, heres a more condensed version of a very long post where I complain about 2000!Judas again that Ive written in like, two hours probably (I know that sounds like a lot but trust me, it isnt for me)

Basically, when I watched this version for the first time I thought the reason I didnt like this portrayal of Judas and thought he was really unsympathetic was because of the actor and some of the directorial choices made for his scenes. But then I rewatched it, paid closer attention and even made pretty detailed notes as I was watching like the nerd I am, and I realized that no, the direction is consistantly really good and does a great job at putting you in the characters head, which is a good way to get an audience to sympathize with a character, even for Judas' scenes. Heaven On Their Minds is a great example of this, here are the notes I took during the scene bc it took me days to write that original post that I deleted and I dont feel like rewriting stuff:

• At the start of Heaven On Their Minds: Judas singing directly at Jesus while theyre engulfed in blue but glowing orange before the apostles show up and the lighting changes to something more orange-y golden (signaling Judas snapping out of his thoughts about Jesus and back into reality) • At the end of Heaven On Their Minds: Judas stepping out of the warm golden light with Jesus and his apostles back into a cooler, blue-ish light to signify his disconnect with the others, wavering trust in Jesus

So, if its not the direction thats the issue, what is it? The actor? Well yeah, I think the actor is definitely the bigger issue for me here. idk if thats a hot take, I certainly dont think it should be. However, there are two big directorial choices that I have issues with, one thats very obvious and mostly concentrated in one scene and one thats a bit more 'spread out' so to speak and that I initially had some trouble pinpointing

The first and more obvious one is the Superstar scene. This song already has some tonal issues by virtue of being a funky disco song sandwiched between The Scene Where They Brutally Beat Jesus and The Scene Where They Brutally Crucify Jesus and having Judas be all smiley during it like hes happy about Jesus dying a slow and painful death only to get all sad at the very end when they actually start crucifying him does not help. Like at all. Its like they didnt get that Judas was meant to be like, frustrated during this song because it acts as an extension of his character throughout the musical, who was very frustrated with Jesus because he didnt understand him or why he did the things he did. Its also meant to be an expression of the audience's presumed feelings, since we, like Judas, just spent a long time with this guy and thought we kinda understood what his deal was only to then realize that no, we did not, actually.

Thats pretty much it, there is a similar weird kind of smugness and almost schadenfreude permeating the rest of this guy's performance as well, its just the most noticeable in that song

Now, Im gonna change the topic here for just a second because I think its necessary to talk about the costuming, specifically the colors of the clothes, to properly explain myself. Unlike the 2012 version, which did its own thing when it came to assigning colors to these characters, the 2000s version takes pretty much all the notable character colors from the 1973 movie. That means Jesus wears white, Herod also wears white which could be a way to visually connect them since Herod is referred to as king and seems to have some kind of special authority over jewish people even though he apparently doesnt have a lot of actual state power, kind of how Jesus is also hailed as king of sorts even though he obviously doesnt have any kind of stately power either ? idk, Im not analysing this further bc thats not what the post is about, Caiaphas, Annas and their three guys all wear black, Pilate wears purple (albeit a cooler tone than the 70s version thats closer to the purple the roman guards wore), Judas wears red and Mary wears red... in the 2000s version. She wears orange in the 70s movie

So, why would they change that when they otherwise changed very little about the costumes' colors? Im not gonna beat around the bush here, they were trying to emphasize the idea of Judas and Mary as foils and romantic rivals with Judas being the dark 'incorrect' "option" and Mary being totally morally good as a contrast. Think about it, Judas wears mostly black in this version with the red being closer to an accent color while Mary wears mostly red with black as an accent color, theyre wearing the same color scheme but inverted and Judas ended up with the darker and more menacing version of it (although I would argue its kinda hard to style the red-black combo as anything but edgy, vaguely threatening, vaguely sexy and seductive or a combination of any of those), Judas is a lot more physically aggressive towards Mary in this film which wasnt the case in the 1973 version (I havent rewatched the 2012 one yet and I dont remember a lot of the details but Im pretty sure he wasnt as physical in that version either), theres that weird bit right after I Dont Know How To Love Him where he inecplicably shows up to, idk, intimidate Mary? which then leads directly into Damned For All Time/Blood Money and the way its framed makes it seem like his betrayal was motivated by jealousy and some weird yandere-esque "If I cant have him, no one can" line of logic which is just weird. Like, I dont dislike this concept on the face of it, but they had no idea how to pull it off well

Actually, now that I think about it I feel like they work well enough as foils without any attempts to emphasize them as romantic rivals. Like, obviously Judas sings that little reprise of I Dont Know How To Love Him before his death but also his whole thing at the start of the musical was that he was turning away from Jesus while Mary's thing was that she was very close and loyal to him from beginning to end, like thats one of the things that Peter's Denial demonstrates right

Whatever, thats kind of it. I feel like thats a pretty abrupt ending to this but I dont care that much lol. In conclusion, although I love this movie for the direction and lighting I have a lot of shit to complain about, mostly relating to Judas and also this post ended up being a lot longer than expected, hope you enjoyed

#jesus christ superstar

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your-local-uwu-artist · 1 year

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(i could be wrong since its been forever since ive watched the movie), but it think that was the point of the metaphor. if you peel off the layers of an onion, you'd still find more onion--it doesn't change no matter how deep you look into it. Shrek was saying that no matter how much you try and look deep into an ogre, they'd still be the same. he was saying that he doesn't have any sort of specialness deep down inside of him; that he is exactly like how he is, both inside and out. if you kept peeling him, you'd still find the same ogre-ness to him, just like how if you kept peeling an onion, you'd still only have the same onion, nothing new or special different

First of all anon, thankyu for casually spashing in actually intelligent insight as a response to my comedically toned shitpost /gen /pos (being able to take silly things seriously is like, one of the first steps to a good media analysis) also sharing your thoughts can make some people feel all shy so I feel you deserve a thumbs up for having the courage to hit that send button >:3

Okay so I did some googling and I do think that the initial assumption of like, outer layer, inner self, is probably the intended meaning:

But I defintly think your onto something anon :o and lowkey explained it better than the articles I speed read nshdjsn

Anyway this is completely on the fly rambles so ill try to bullet point it and put it under a cut sense I'm writing off the top my mind and dont know how long it'll be

-i definitely think the way you explained the idea makes a lot more sense to Shrek's characterization, It doesn't seem like it was trying ti insinuate that there was something particularly special about whats under the layer, just that there is more to him than the outer layer

-it did seem that it was trying to express something about outer appearance and stereotypes but probably not in the manner my blunt autistic brain takes metaphors so literally

-so onion metaphors in general do exist theoretically before Shrek and in general it is used to convey multiple layers around one core, and apparently "peeling the layers of the onion" is seen as a metaphor for like, personal growth and dealing with deep buried problems in your life, not sure if the second ones relevant but idk maybe someone can find a tie in

-so I'm guessing the layers of the onion is either like, how much somebody sees of you, or the persona that you show on the outside, I'm not sure which one is more fitting or neither or both, but I guess the idea is that like, someone may seem rude and cold on the outside but behind that outer layer there's other aspects to this person, I suppose to tie in the its still the same, it could be argued that the outer layers are still a part of that person, it's just not hollow like some assume it to be, and if you peel back the layer its the fact that there is anything more than the outer layer that is signfigant

-i could see that approach to it making more sense since I think its trying to say something about stereotypes, I vaguely remember Shrek also saying that people will decide they dont like him when they barely know him

-in that case I guess you could try ti apply a similar metaphor to a real stereotyped group, like perhaps a gay man acts eccentric and fits those stereotypes and so people write him off as just the "gay best friend" and boil down his entire person to just that outer layer, it doesn't accur to them that the outer layer isn't just hollow, that there's anything underneath, and they might not think to try and peel it because they think they know the person based on only the outer layer, in which, I guess we can think of the core of the onion as that person at their purest, and by peeling back the layers your getting close to seeing that person for every aspect of who they are, so if you peel back the layers of this theoretically gay guy, yeah he still likes men but he also has this thing called a life and more than one personality trait

-i still find irony in that the idea is that by peeling back layers your seeing "more" to the person, sense peeling an actual onion makes it smaller

-but I the metaphor won't be perfect to its litteral counterpart...

-anyhow once again thanks for the message anon! I really enjoyed and appreciated hearing your thoughts and found them helpful in kinda like, how I tend to approach these kind of metaphors in general :DD I hope you have a lovely day and you deserve an apply juice box with some crackers for your contributions to society

#I mean all y'all deserve appy juice and crackers in my eyes but anon gets an extra juice box today

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throwingmuses · 2 years

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need 2 vent about the shit show that was the doctors appt i had yesterday 🤩 cw for weight ment and other eating disorder stuff

ok so basically its been an extreme pain to get into this ed program because i need medical clearance (including blood work) before i can start bc the clinic isnt equipped to help treat medical issues. essentially i have to have a doctor order the blood test or else id have to pay out of pocket and order the tests myself (which i definitely dont have the money for rn), but the soonest appointment my doctor had available was over a month out. so i tried going to several of those walk in clinics and all of them gave me some convoluded answer essentially saying they couldnt help me. finally i found someplace that let me make an appointment with another doctor that was a bit sooner than my other one, so i went ahead and did that. i walked into it expecting it to be pretty brief, and i was confused at first why the doctor was doing a psych assessment when all i needed was a quick physical checkup??? but i was really tired and confused so i just went along with it anyways. from the second i walked in the doctor seemed very irritated and was acting rude for literally no reason. i tried to just let it roll off my shoulders because i desperately needed someone to just order these goddamn blood tests and sign a paper saying im good to go. but then, when she asked me my current height/weight, i told her that i was 5'4 and 120lb, to which she actually fucking responded by saying "Wow, you weigh more than me!" which was EXTREMELY TRIGGERING and has been fucking haunting me in the form of obsessive thoughts ever since. she also implied that my current therapist/psychiatrist wasnt very informed because shes a recent graduate when in reality shes the most knowledgable and up front psych ive ever had and this bitch who thinks shes the hot shit didnt even know that there were different types of bipolar disorder. clearly her "knowledge" of psychology as a whole is extremely outdated. anyways towards the end of the meeting, she told me straight up that the clinic probably wouldnt accept me because im at a healthy weight which is total bullshit because thats not how it works whatsoever and i was already ACCEPTED into the program regardless of my weight. ive had this issue a lot over the years with providers not believing that im anorexic because ive never lost a significant amount of weight and the worst medical issue ive had was having low potassium and almost passing out at work, and im forever fucking baffled as to why that is because i often eat less than 1000 calories per day. like im grateful for my body continuing to take care of me despite all of the hell i put it through, but just because im healthy on paper doesnt mean this shit doesnt terrorize me on a daily basis. anyways at that point i just fucking snapped (which is very out of character for me cuz im rather shy) and i told her that she had no idea what she was even talking about, that anyone with half a brain let alone a degree in psychology shouldnt talk to someone with an eating disorder like that (which she KNEW i had walking into this bc thats what the whole appointment was about), and explaining to her that the stress i have around food is ruining my life and preventing me from doing pretty much anything i want/have to do. after yelling at her she changed her disposition entirely and started acting like a dog with its tail between its legs which was pretty gratifying at least. i was like openly sobbing very loudly afterward tho and like everyone in the office could hear me which i found to be embarassing but Oh Well. then me and my bf talked to her supervisior and told them what happened and they were actually very receptive and apologetic so heres to hoping she gets fired (: also she wasnt even a fuckin doctor so the whole thing was pointless but luckily i got an earlier appointment with my doctor cuz someone cancelled But Yeah Ive Been Fucked Up Ever Since

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watery-pancake · 15 days

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i dont know how to describe it to anyone

i dont even know if theres words for it, but my endless mind refuses to sit in silence, so i write, as i always do

i hate it when i talk to him and he ignores me. he's self aware of it too, but yet still. he blames me for misreading tones, but hearing "not bad" is different from saying "good". its like saying "oh youre not ugly" instead of calling them beautiful, or saying "oh youre not fat" instead of saying you enjoy their figure. its instantly categroizing it as bad, then saying its not. like the standard is bad, but oh its not. but its not great, its not wonderful. its mediocre at best, since it isnt good.

ive been talking less, not bringing up things that he does that bother me. i told him why. its like he thinks that me saying that means "oh she just doesnt want to talk to me" instead of thinking of ways to solve it. its blaming me when i point out his problem. him being clingy has suddenly abruptly stopped because i made the mistake of explaining why, and like an idiot, i think that he'll keep being as loving as always regardless.

all he hears is an insult from me. a way of putting him down. he doesnt think his action effects me. he just sees the effect and blames the one who is experiencing it. its like yelling at the house for burning instead of finding the one who started the fire. so now i have to deal with him randomly talking to me then ghosting me for hours, instead of the sweet boy i miss. i feel like throwing up i miss him so much. but i dont want to talk to him, because then i'll just be ignored again. you can't be ignored if you say nothing, there's nothing to ignore.

how can you be mad at someone, be extremely hurt by their actions to the point your whole demeanor changes, but still crave their attention and love. how can i go from calling him every night, texting him first every moment he texts me when he feels like it, to this. being with him, all ive become is just. quiet. and ive never been quiet in a relationship. i regret what i told him. i regret spilling that secret of mine and saying i feel safe with him. because as true as it is, now i have this overwhelming feeling.

its like im underwater and i cant breathe. its like bu telling him this secret of mine, i can never escape, and i just want to run. i want to erase that memory. forever. i feel so disgusted in myself and in him too that he knows this about me. he knows this truth ive never told anyone before, nor have even recollected to myself in journals or voice notes or anything. and the first time i do, is to him. and now i just want to shut up and stay silent forever and never speak to him again, or anyone. ive ripped open the wound and all i can feel is the painful sting of air and the gut feeling of just. disgust.

i shower but i am never clean enough. i change my bedsheets like the sins will be washed away. i talk less and pretend to smile more but it just hurts. it hurts so much. i hate existing in this reality, this one i was born in.

ive been depressed lately. having these... awful thoughts. no amount of love or comfort can ever make them go away. i want to drink, so so bad, but i promised. i would stop. all i want is to lay in the stars and forget it all ever happened. that i let myself be exposed. and all he could say? a joke about breaking up with me. he's terrible in moments like these, a tragic irony to someone who's studying to be a psychologist. the one he deems closest to him is one he cant comfort. and thats me. its me who can never feel enough comfort. i can be sobbing and have my head rubbed and whispered itll be ok but i cant stop thinking. what if i tried again. what if i drank until i threw up and kept drinking. what if that bridge was just enough to climb over. what if i just starved and didn't eat. its constant and throbbing and no matter how hard i try. it only goes away with him. and i hate that. the greatest comfort to me is someone who doesn't care about the birds i see. because its unimportant to him, it's not worthy of acknowledgement. but its important to me. and he knows this. but he still stays silent, knowing it hurts me. because i am the one being hurt, not that he is the one causing me to be hurt. cause and effect, with only seeing the effect.

i could never do it. completely give up. i'm too much of a pussy to ever go through with it. thats a lie, haha. that drinking binge really was my attempt. but all he could ever say was "well that wouldnt work" thanks. somehow you made me feel more pathetic than i already feel. you see my suicidal actions and all you can do is point out my flaws. its like offering me support, seeing how in my altered state of mind i was trying to end it all and offering your love and sympathy, is too outside your reach. you see it and all you can do is point and laugh. while i cry alone in my room, regretting telling you instead of trying again. seeing how making me quit drinking was that, the catalyst. and your pride in me quitting vanished, and all that was left was disgust in the imagination in your head of me laying in my own vomit as i begged god to make it all go away. you didn't offer an ounce of sympathy. just disgust.

and you never bring things up. its always me. thats why we stopped arguing. because i gave up. i gave up on explaining your hurtful actions to me. last time i did, you made a long paragraph how it was my fault you cheated on me. remember that? i do. all you could do was give me a shitty fucking apology you made up on the spot. but for you? when i did something hurtful that was a result of your poor communication? when you know my emotional apology can only be seen in monotone? i have to be sobbing for you to take that apology. then you can grant me acceptance for the apology. but for you, i get a shitty applogy that you made up on the spot.

after all this, i still lay in bed. wishing i was next to you. i cant wait to go to sleep.

don't worry, i wont die. ill keep living. i have my summer internship after all.

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howdidigetbacktowritingwhat · 9 months

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hi,hello,hoy !!! You asked me what I thought of your fic so I am here to comment some things about it !!! :D

I love how you have to put pieces together to figure out what's going on with Y/N! Because when your theory gets confirmed you just get this SERATONIN (is that how you type it??) from it

(this one is honestly more of a nit pick just saying:) I feel like you could do a bit of foreshadowing like for example: In chapter 1 you could have described Y/N's backpack in detail so the readers know how it looks like and think "hMMM why are they describing it in such detail ???" and then when you get to chapter 3 you could describe Y/N's backpack as something else (not entirely something else but a small change) without Y/N reffering to it feeling like 'a different bag' maybe get him to say "something feels off..." so when the reader sees this they'll put the pieces together and say "WOOOAH WAIT THATS DIFFERENT FROM THIS THAT WAS SAID IN THIS !!!! :0" !! BUT!! Honestly that's just a little nitpick from me because I tried to write a few stories before (but then I gave up halfway) and I know bits and pieces on how to do cool foreshadowing (from a writer friend) but take this with a grain of salt because I am still ig a newbie at writing!! ><

also when Y/N is talking in his head and a thing thinks instead of him you could have a subtle shift in tone (idk if I am explaining this one well sorry I am a bit sleepy)

unhinged Sun. I just loved when that boy snaps. ( ‾̀◡‾́)

and the last one is.... remember to take breaks!!! Writing can be exhausting especially if the story is getting to your head (trust me ik how it feels when you get too emotionally attached and don't wanna kill your favourite off (╥﹏╥)) so remeber to take as much time off as you need your mental health is WAY more important <3

have a good day!!! :DDD<3 gonna make more fanart in the future when my wrist hurts lessheehehege---

OHHHHHHHH THIS IS SO HELPFUL THANK YOU THANK YOU <33 omg (sorry i really REALLY love reading peoples' thoughts Okay i am going to dissect this NOW [TOTALLY NOT PROCRASTINATING WORK]) ill put it under a cut since its kinda long AHH

ill be honest. Im SO SO GLAD you wrote all these points (especially the nitpicks !!/gen) - im super happy that you guys really love getting theories confirmed in the next chapter and im glad you noticed that the description of the backpack is. not up to par hehe ( AS WELL AS THE THING IN Y/N'S HEAD ) (also dw you explained it really well! )

I am at a constant war of wanting to spill everything and hiding info due to spoilers but !! ive been playing around with the fic being an unreliable narrator so much that i was incredibly concerned that it was. very confusing WAHAHA (it probably still has some things to fix though), so im genuinely really glad you pointed out inconsistencies(?? oddities? i dont know how to say it but basically funky writing) in the places where i wanted there to be :]

HAHA I DONT KNOW IF I MAKE SENSE RIGHT NOW it is like. 2am. but tldr hheehee hoo hoo i am so glad that things are going according To Plan. (dude i am like. saving this post too just so i can reread and make sure things unfold properly too)

LASTLY. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING THIS !! writing analysis and feedback take so much time and Im really really honoured that you guys spoil me with a LOT of them- and for understanding that this fic kinda takes a toll on my health wahaha <33

also guys pls. pls rest your wrists. i am going to spam stretches soon. (ALSO ALSO THANK U ALL FOR THE FANART FOOD please dont overexert yourself though !! health first and genuinely; you guys even reading my fic is the greatest honour ever. take care of yourselves!!! and have a good day too <33

#misc talks #iswis inbox time #technically spoilers?#I CANT WAIT TO GO BACK TO WRITING LIKEE THIS HAS HYPED ME UP IM GOING CRAZY #RATTLES WORK #soon.#also thank you so much wellhellothereem i love your art style sm <33 #like genuinely your style is so good

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flightless-icarus · 2 years

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saturday august 27, 2022

so yesterday i had apartment inspections and my landlord kept complimenting my apartment bc it was so empty LMAO and it made it easier to check outlets and stuff. i have such a headache right now, but im awake because i had a really late dinner and now i have indigestion bc of it. im sitting here feeling sick as HELL since i ate so late- and i know that happens, but i cant skip meals rn, i literally can’t afford to skip my meals right now, weight wise.

ive been popping nausea meds like its candy lately to keep my stomach frrm getting so upset lately. it was even fucking testing me tonight but i just tried to breathe through it. i didnt want to take another one, because they give me headaches lol, which is frustrating bc i have one

im super sleepy, but i cant go to bed until i get a shower, and i dont wanna get in the shower until this indigestion goes away. i need some water, but im procrastinating it.

i just got some water.

things have been tough lately. im all hung up on my ex friends messages to me. i know what she said was bullshit- she called me selfish and a liar. If putting myself first, and taking care of myself and setting boundaries is selfish, then i am absolutely selfish. and i dont recall ever lying to her about anything aside frorm my feelings towards her. (her and i lived together at one point and i was very fake-nice to her while we lived together to keep the peace because when she decided she hated me [typically for ableist reasons], she was really mean and verbally hostile and it made me stop eating and get sick, so i was fake with her for my own safety and health, and then i was convinced to give her another chance and regretted it shortly after because i realised she very much hadn’t changed, and was gaslighting me and telling me I had problems when she was the one causing issues.) but anyway, she kept telling me my “karma was getting me for being such a bad person” which has me… confused.. even after talking to it with some close friends.

i live alone, my bills are paid (things are just financially rough for 1 more month, then after this month, ill be pretty set money wise), my apartment is my own, im in an okay area, i have the best friends ive ever had in my life, i THINK i have a crush on someone who feels mutually- like this is the closest to having a partner ive been in several years, i have a therapist, i have health insurance and im getting answers to my health issues, i get to spend my days doing the things i love (art), and im separated from my parents. fully.

i am literally the best ive ever been (aside from trauma stuff coming up, but that comes with the territory of being alone with ur thoughts all day and night) and im in the most stable living situation ive ever been in, and shes gonna tell me MY karma is getting me rn while shes working at target and trying to solve all her health problems with essential oils???? (she is anti vax)

im just so deeply confused. she said “have fun with your lame ass life and 5 internet friends and being selfish and living in a terrible neighbourhood, karmas a bitch now bye”

i dont place my value in how many friends i have, or how many times i go out. ive tried to tell her SEVERAL times that im very content being a homebody. i enjoy spending time alone and have fun with playing video games or watching youtube, reading, writing, and creating art. i like being inside. ive explained that to her more times than i can count and the fact that she just never once listened to me and is calling my life lame lmao. 4 of my 5 friends live only about an hour away and could visit if I scheduled with them a time to hang out, and my neighbourhood isnt bad. Yes there’s gun violence around here, but its… florida… of course there is. she thinks its some big dangerous neighbourhood bc its a predominantly black neighbourhood and shes racist as hell. this neighbourhood isnt more, or less dangerous than any other neighbourhood in my city. plus…… she tries to use ‘karmas a bitch’ at me as if i haven’t told her many times that i dont believe in karma. i believe in consequences to your actions. good & bad is subjective (in non-extreme cases), this situation specifically- i think shes awful and she thinks im awful. Does that mean we both get bad karma? no. it doesnt make sense. karma would only make sense for r^pists and ped0s and m^rderers and ab*sers. People like that.

I hope she figures out how to treat people who are different than her. she gets in this “i can fix them” mindset and then gets mad when they dont accept her “help”. She would always tell me how she. only wanted to help me, but anytime i came to her with my issues, i got ridiculed, questioned, ignored, and made fun of. I told her about my deep, personal shit and i was met with her asking me the most vile, invasive questions ive ever gotten about that issue in my entire life. i told her about something as silly as my water heater breaking and the maintenance man freaking out about it because it was so aggressively dangerous and unsafe to even keep turned on and i had to get an emergency replacement because of it- i told her about that and she didnt even acknowledge it, she just said “damn, anyway did you listen to my voice memos”

also she wants to claim i dropped off and never checked in with her…. i just moved into a place oN MY OWN *one month ago*. ONE MONTH AGO. I ***JUST*** GOT SETTLED IN THIS PLACE THIS WEEK. Im finally getting used to handling cleaning and cooking for myself every day, and im getting used to being alone and finally getting over my nighttime paranoia and im dealing with a lot of trauma stuff that i clearly cant go to her with- and shes gonna accuse me of just dropping off because i didnt talk to her for a couple of weeks, when i have friends i can, and HAVE dropped off from for YEARS and we picked back up chatting like nothing ever happened.

Biggest example is this guy i was friends with in 2020, one day i just quit replying, and he did the same, and i just reached out to him literally 3 days ago and he still refers to me as his friend and we were chatting and talking shit with each other, and he told me about how he still plays music and hes been putting most of his energy into that. Same with a different guy, we didnt talk for a year and now we’re updating each other on our lives and chatting again, and he told me all about how hes visiting his girlfriend in a week and im really excited for him, especially bc theyre moving in together next year. and yet she couldnt handle 2 fucking weeks while i was adjusting to living alone and unpacking by myself and trying to take care of myself during this really big adjustment?

she also tried to tell me that my ex friends told her about how im such a liar and how im so selfish and i asked her to tell me what i have lied about, because she has a history of just calling me names (ableist, a liar, a manipulator, etc) just because she “Wants to piss me off” and she “doesnt actually believe that”, because ive called her out on calling me names before and i would say ‘show me how im being X’ and then later id call her out and say ‘idk why you said this, you never told me how i was being xyz’ and she’d say “oh well i dont actually think that, i was just mad” so i plan to tell those ex friends shes so close with that she either lied about them, or threw them under the bus :) either way, shes about to meet her “karma” aka: consequences to her own actions. once i get my laptop back from them and pay them back, im telling them about her either lying on their name or throwing them under the bus so they know shes a rat. idk why she would use their names tbh lmao, considering her and i were actively fighting.

call me petty, but id wanna know if my friends were throwing me under the bus.

i dont need her. i dont need anyone like that in my life. i dont want to be friends with people who will spin false narratives about me because im taking care of myself, or lying out of self preservation because you make me feel unsafe. i dont want to be friends with people who dont make me feel good. ive had enough of those. i didnt even let my family treat me poorly, what makes you think im gonna let random people treat me badly.

anyway, its 4am and i want to get in the shower, my stomachs feeling a little better, and maybe now that ive written about this, ill shut the fuck up about it. i keep talking to a friend of mine a bout it and im sure ive annoyed the absolute fuck out of them (though they agree with me and ive told them everything ive written here)

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