#((I do weird things at late hours))
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i keep thinking about hobbies and how i often spill over myself to pick up new ones. i have adhd, i end up trying something for like a month and then just getting far enough in it that i move on, satisfied.
and that should be fine; but it's never fine.
i am a pretty decent artist; but i can't just make art for my dnd campaign, i should be selling dnd maps and character designs and scene setting pieces. i can't just make my friends matching earrings, i need to get an etsy and ship them internationally and take bulk orders. i make pretty good props and decorations and use them to throw my friends parties - but i should be running a party planning business and start taking paying clients and networking and putting my skills to actual use.
for some reason, i never figured out the specifics of pottery. it was a fun class and i enjoyed myself - and still, i'm embarrassed, years later, that i put in all that useless effort. everything i make has to be stunning. stellar. i should have applied myself more. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i'm broken and selfish and needy. actually creative people would have kept going; they would be bettering themselves at every possible opportunity.
we find ourselves in this trap, even accidentally: we need to commodify our time, because it is a commodity. if we spend our efforts and our time not earning, isn't that the same thing as burning free money? and god forbid you ever take up a hobby that ends up being more expensive than you thought. you sit in your car and you look at the receipt and in your head you hear a conversation that isn't even happening - your mom or your friend or your partner all saying oh great. not this shit again. it's always something with you, and it never actually means anything.
i have realized this horrible thing, recently - i'll get excited to start a project, pick up a new hobby. and then i just... stop myself. i start thinking about the amount of time it will take, and how it'll look in my monthly budget. what if i can't even produce a good enough final product. sure, it's exciting to think about how i could make my friend her own custom dice. but i'm just polluting the earth if i don't get it right. better not bother. better not try.
restless, i get caught in the negative space. the feeling that oh god, i want to create. and that horrible sense - yeah, but i don't have the time to just put to waste.
#hobbies#writeblr#what stage of weirdness to write about hobbies on my hobby writing blog#although i know OBJECTIVELY i am a creative person#i often forget to label myself that bc i don't feel im an ARTISTIC person bc i don't do anything like that professionally#writing doesn't even feel like a hobby i think that surprises nobody for me to be like#it would be easier for me to stop . like. breathing.#which feels cheesy and trite but listen im running late for a meeting and all i really want to say is like#i couldn't even consider writing my hobby bc it makes my skin crawl bc it makes it sound like it's not important to me#bc we really devalue hobbies. like entirely.#it HAS to be a job. it must#also idk if this is clear but i personally get stuck in this space where i CANT create bc i am putting so much pressure on myself#to make it RIGHT#and im like ... idk i only have an hour#so probably shouldnt get involved in this thing
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real-life adulting, man. i'm still my ex's emergency contact 6.5 years after we broke up and he just gave me his new girlfriend's phone number so that i can contact her if something happens to him. this is in lieu of making her his emergency contact, which may seem like it would make more sense, except that he hasn't told his parents about her. so i get to be the emergency contact who then would contact both the girlfriend and the parents. this all makes total sense to me despite the fact that i don't even live in his city. it's whatever! we've known each other a long time!!
#he could make her his emergency contact and give her my number and i could then call his parents#but he's only known her for two months so honestly this makes more sense to me despite the fact that if there were an emergency#the only one who could go to where he was at all quickly would be the new girlfriend#(his parents live on the other side of the country and i live several hours away)#also i have met his girlfriend. this would probably be weird if i hadn't met her but i have so it seems fine#also i'm a child of divorce so the whole 'not telling some people about other people' thing is completely normal to me#i've already got it planned out. i would call her and she would go to the hospital or whatever right away. i'd call the parents#and by the time they could get there i would already be there. then i could run interference in person#and i would do this for him happily because i 100% understand why he hasn't told his parents about her#it's too late for me. they already know me. and they know i'm not with him anymore. so i can take it#if they stay together at some point he will have to tell them about her and i assume at that point he'll switch the emergency contact#but it's still early so this makes total sense in the meantime
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me before: wow I'm not nervous about my appointment at all, cool!
me in the waiting room: hm I wonder why I can't stop shaking, and sweating like I'm running a marathon, and feeling like I'm about to die
#waiting rooms are the worst thing on earth#evil#I don't understand how people can read magazines or whatever in waiting rooms#I'm so on edge I can't do anything but stare at my phone#I'm not doing anything. just staring. to have something to do (looking at my homescreen (jake with his weird stone))#I also have only slept 2 hours. and was 2 minutes late. and almost scraped the door of the car next to mine with my car door trying to get#out of the car because everyone just HAS to park like shit#so that is not helping#but fuuuck I am so shaky it's insane#ALSO don't have a watch because my smartwatch doesn't work (right) with my new phone and. I have no idea where I put my analog ones.#and I HATE not wearing a watch. it's actually terrifying. no idea why but. always been that way.
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So I'm an area director at a summer camp, but yesterday my boss called me and asked if I'd be down to be the director of two areas and I said yes without thinking about the consequences. So now I'm the director of two areas? That means two groups of staff to train and lead, two sets of lesson plans, two areas to teach at and make the schedule for and make the lesson plans for, two physical areas to set up. They're right next to each other, but this is going to be fucking insane
#the reason this is happening is because we dont have a dining hall director anymore because the first decided to take summer classes#and the second got a research position. so the director of the area that my area is right next to. volunteered to switch#so the camp director called me yesterday and was like 'this is all happening would you want to take on another area?'#so i would be director of both. with kind of a concentration in the new one. while my assistant director concentrates on the first one#but id still have to lead both staffs. teach at both. be available to both. do records for both. set up both#i start thinking about it and i always realize another thing thats gonna be weird about it#but on the bright side ive decided i cant do the 5 mile hike requirement for my old area#every thursday we do a five mile hike for our class because its for requirements. and i hate it cuz its hard lol#but i realized that it wouldnt really work out for me to be across the lake with one area and leave the other area directorless#so guess i cant do that! oh nooo /s#but i have to make two teaching schedules.whoch i started last night#i have to both teach a suitable amount in both areas but also have enough free time to be flexible and available for both#i am so tired already. and i just got this news yesterday#i was up until 5am because i was planning shit and then i layed awake anxious for another hour#also i watched the disruptors which admittedly got me to stay up pretty late too. the grant obrien and ally Beardsley movie#its very good. but mostly i stayed up late because i was trying to figure out being the director of two areas#i think about it for two seconds and i realize another reason itll be super hard. i have to introduce two staffs at the campfire#i have to talk about two areas at the leaders meeting. i have to learn a whole bundle of new merit badges#im so tired
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Lmao I need therapy
#the other day I went to visit Plumas's grave and found a wing of hers on the ground#which means she's been unburied snd possibly eaten by an animal#.#she can't rven rest in peace can she#I walked for 4 fucking hours with the wing cause if I left it on the groubd somebody would eat it#my dad had ro come with me to come bsck home#it was slready dark and we were at the mountain do it was hsrd to go back home until we areived to the city#I also had an hallucination on the way? it's weird I dwe a rock thay had been chiselled to look like a face snd walked to the front of it#bc I wanted to see it better#but turned around and saw that the rock didn't exist it wasn't there snymore ut was so fucking confusing#I don't know if I'm processing stuff late or what but it's hard to even think#things are weird#I want a hug lmao Cisne is with me he's sleeping but him being here is kinda like a hug#fuck this auttumn 👍🍁#vent
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researching the anatomy of the lower back/pelvis/legs/feet to try to figure out what the FUCK is causing my sciatica bc dear GOD am i in agony rn
#it has been!! so bad lately!!#as SOON as i get back from the island im gonna try to see a dr abt it again#its been long enough since my last Traumatic Healthcare Experience that my desperation outweighs my aversion#it feels better when i walk on it but like. fuck. its 5 in the morning and im supposed to be SLEEPING#what am i supposed to do just pace in my room for hours until it goes away??? 😭#i think someone should simply laterally bisect me and throw away my right side#just throw it directly in the trash#literally all my problems are on my right side#tension headaches/migraines? right side#eye focusing issues? right side#earaches? usually right side#fucking. shoulder EVERYTHING? right side#chest pain/weird rib pain? right side#lower back pain is usually bilateral but whatever#sciatica? right side#all the way from my pelvis to my foot#dont even get me started on my right ankle#fuck that thing#foot pain is bilateral too#anyway#yeah#im left handed i dont need a right side just fuckign. get rid of it#godddd i hope my painkillers kick in soon i want to dieeeeee
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i wish my family members would stop having a complex about my size and physical strength because i have the same one in the opposite direction and i legitimately do not know what my body looks like
#yes i am marginally the shortest one in the immediate family. yes you have a funny nickname based on that#is it worth the fact that i genuinely dont know how im perceived by others and now feel a vague need to compensate for everything about me#'oh so small 🥺 you dont play hockey 🥺 you dont have a job rn 🥺'#FACT CHECK FUCKERS. I AM LITERALLY THE AVERAGE HEIGHT FOR AMERICANS REGARDLESS OF SEX.#I WOKE UP AT 530 TO GO SWIM AND THE ONE YR COMPARING ME TO WAS LATE FOR SCHOOL.#I MADE OVER 700 DOLLARS IN A 2 WEEK PAYCHECK THIS SUMMER WHICH COMES OUT TO 35 HOURS PER WEEK. GET FUCKED.#also im in 10 clubs and pulling As in 6 honors classes. sorry that wasnt big and strong enough for you#and then they take that and theyre like 'oh teehee the responsible one compared to the dummy incompetent men'#ok but we do know how he needs to take the trash out rigjt#like it also sucks that my brother is pigeonholed as 'quiet meathead' because they clap and cheer for him when he does anything#its a weird degree of surveillance that he shouldnt be subjected to as hes figuring out how to be his own person#but for everything they see about him i do 5 things unnoticed#him as Quiet meathead leaves room for me to be either the tiny delicate responsible one or the frivolous hysterical one#HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE THIS IS JUST GENDER STEREOTYPES#ok this time im really gonna do it /not serious
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sorry to ffxivlovepost always anyway Man the way the devs & game did so good in making an mc that is Basically a blank-slate for the players, and there's so many opportunities to make your oc However you like but. the game itself adds so much story and character to that blank-slate guy. amazing
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#⋯ ꒰ა ffxiv ໒꒱ *·˚#i think abt this a lot. and also a lot of other ffxiv stuff LMFAO#it's amazing ..... drk is a huge example of this i think#bcs it plays into the guilt and whatnot the wol feels and all that. spectacular#endwalker !!!!! shadowbringers!!! the way the game uses the concept of hope is just always so beautiful and fascinating to me#and yeah bunch of games may have like. mc you create & design but not always can you like. ehvejfhsjf idk how to explain LOL#it is 4 pm i woke up 2 hours ago but priorly woke at 7 am after havingn a rlly. weird sleep.#to which my twin told me 'i wont tell u what time it is' as we went to sleep so it def was Really late#bcs we were going thru re2 and she was also playing games on steam i've been telling her to play#(to which i got her fav characters right and knew fr how'd she'd like the game LMFAO. twins amiright.)#actually that is also smth so fascinating to me bcs. i always have had someone w me in my life. i am literally never alone.#to which what i'm getting at here is Wow... it's like having a sleepover every single day. and i was a kid always sad never to have#sleepovers bcs my parents were strict (they r cool tho!) but i was a kid who wanted to experience all the kid things#but i didn't rlly but that's fine :P i am a grateful person LOL anyway back on track back on black#ffxiv... the game that u are.....#it's the 1st game that rlly actually made me invested in the ocs of others and also make a fully fledged oc that wasn't just originally mine#but for a fandom or something. and also it got me back into writing and Into making poetry and prose so. yeah.#it's amazing how much. oc x canon ???? yeah. ffxiv is so Wow#like eveyrhhting w themis or graha and how u can AAGGGHHH shit w your oc . so many possibilities#and that character. those possibilities. are already in game but also expanded by the player and the fanbade and#idk it's so beautiful to me WHAGHSGDJDH. and yes me saying themis or graha up there is self-indukgent bcs#both of them are so Insane it's so. insane!!!!! i will never forget what happened in abyssos in particular that Broke me#and anabaseios... :)) i cried so much it is almost embarrassing. and wow. asphodelos. wverything w themis just. yeah#anyway graha... self-explanatory if u know..... idk he's the character of all time to me. simply said. but themis is crazy bcs going thru ab#yssos made me think for a bit 'hey themis might be my fav character in ffxiv now' but No but also Wow. wow#kinda cute bcs me and my twin have a thing where she has a certain type of chara she likes and me too#so sometimes. most times. all times. we have our own characters we like anyway but sometimes they overlap but either the case we kinda#lowkey 'segregate???' idk if that is a good word but we do that w our fav characters. so like emet is her fav elidibus is mine.#and that was all the way in arrr alr and we barely knew spoilers so that's kinda crazy! anyway
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WIP Trying out a cleaner brush and drawing some smooches for sanity 😚
#stranger things#my art#sketch#WIP#work has been kicking my butt#we got new ppl and they keep making these last minute late day requests#like excuse me#I do not want to look at work rn i am drawing fanart and watching my fav show#let me make my weird drawing faces in peace!#drawing happy ppl or funny scenes are my face bc I catch myself throughout mirroring the expression#and realize I’ve just been grinning at my tablet for an hour
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Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 10: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression
(✦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ✦)
Yesterday's poll decided that The Adventurer should join the travelers on the larger river boat for a short lunch ...
~
"Before he even fully musters the courage to shout a 'hello', the large group on the boat initiates contact first, gleefully waving at him, whooping and shouting as they near his tiny raft in the water. Apparently, some of them were betting over whether they'd actually find any other travelers out on the river today.. He fumbles over his words a bit, as always, but somehow manages to successfully get himself invited onto their boat for a quick lunch..
After safely securing his raft to the side of the boat with some spare rope, he climbs aboard, stumbling into the excitement of some sort of celebration. A few of them explain that they're traveling for 'kahesallei', an old elven holiday recently re-popularized in some of the larger cities nearby. Whatever it's true meaning and origins used to be, the current significance (at least to those within the city walls) seems to just be mindless feasting, drinking, and gaudy decor. Most of the traveling group are strangers to each other, only brought together by catching a ride on the same tour/party boat, but the mood is light, quite friendly between them, and perhaps a bit drunk.
While the boat itself is relatively plain wood, it's been strewn with gold and orange banners, flags, shimmery tassels, beads, and bushels of dark green ivy braided with fresh herbs and wildflowers. There are flat round tables of food and drink, plenty of cushions to lounge on, and one random guy perched precariously on the edge railing of the boat, gently strumming a lute for background music..
The elderly ship captain hobbles over to The Adventurer, sternly explaining that, no matter what the 'silly' passengers say, he's only allowed to stay for an hour because he didn't pay for a boat ride ticket, and thus really shouldn't even be allowed on board. By the time The Adventurer has mentally processed this information, the captain has already returned to his little steering room, slamming the door shut with a displeased grunt.. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to confront him or question the rules...... But! Hey, at least he has one hour at the party.. How should he spend his time? "
~
Additional Information
the adventurer's current main goal: follow his map to reach the abandoned castle ruins and see the rare animal specialist about the mysterious egg he has
#paventure posting#polls#poll#choose your own adventure#LATE AGAIn I know.. I'm still in my weird unproductive spell. literally I've had the same 5 to do list items on my list#for 2 weeks now. I can't even do five simple things in 2 weeks lol. I did start some new supplements and change my diet since#my doctors are still trying to sort out what health issues are going on or etc. so maybe it's something with that#like accidentally on the new diet I'm not getting enough calories or not getting enough of some vitamin or something so it's made me oddly#brain foggy and just really tired and unable to focus well for the past few weeks or something..? ANYWYA. not really sure what#it is specifically but my functioning in terms of actually focusing on and completing tasks has been a lot worse . thus#chronically behind on things. which I am always chronically behind on things in some sense since I always have like 7000 projects#I'm working on at the same exact time and etc. lol. but like.. even more chronically behind than usual .. ToT#ANYWAY.. I'm suprised that the 'try to get a ride on the boat' option didn't get that many votes actually lol#Like.. treveling down a river in a tiny handmade raft is probably.. not extremely safe or efficient lol#But at least he gets to have lunch there. Just the hour that he's on the boat doing whatever will get him a lot further because the boat#is moving faster than his raft would be. It should still get him out of the river and back on track sooner. Because he still has a long way#to go to get to the abandoned castle. I know it's been a lot of days since I'm not keeping up well with actually doing these#daily or every other day - but technically in the story it's only been a little over a day since he left the Inn#The first day he just walked. the second day he saw there was a barrier in his path. then spent half the day building a boat. and now he'e#*he's where he is now. The trip is roughly 4 days and he's like.. a little over halfway through his second. Not counting any detours or#distractions he might run into. But at least at this pace he should be off the river before it starts to get dark#Thate the main thing. you want to get a good rest on solid ground. ideally. So long as nothing strange happens on the boat#but yeah! day 10.. of little elf man adventure... ALSO he is like early 20s I imagine. so he can drink hbhjbjh#I know the 'very quick simple ms paint style' is kind of chibi-ish so it makes people look young but he's not a boy#don't worry. I didnt want it to seem weird like some 10 year old kid walking into a party of drunk 30 year olds#like a toddler hanging out in a night club or whatever. It's safe and okay for him to be there. just for the record. lol#I mean maybe not SAFE safe. it's still a boat of like.. rowdy party goers who could easily fall over the edge into the water or whatever bu#but like.. safe in the sense that he's not a 6 year old being offered vodka by strangers at a party. etc.#despite his goofy nervous demeanor and chronic baby face syndrome he is indeed an actual adult somehow ghbj
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I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#I went downstairs to get food but ended up having to wait longer than anticipated which is whatever#but then that meant I ended up sitting down and once we sit down it's like our brain stops being able to process that we can leave#I'll sit there the whole time going ''I need to get up and go back upstairs. I don't want to be sat here'' and just can't get up#I hate that this happens because while I know our executive dysfunction isn't our fault#and it's the exact same issue that stops us eating or drinking or going to the toilet or whatever when we need to#I still feel like I should be able to just get up and do the thing and just leave if I'm in a situation that I don't want to be in#and it's so hard to get other people to understand that I can't ''just leave'' because my brain just won't let that happen#like I want to but my brain won't register it as an actual thing I can do and it feels more like a weird abstract concept#than a thing I could actually do. it's like my brain can't connect the concept of the action to the act of doing it#and then I get frustrated because why can't I just do the thing that I know I should be able to do#and then I've spent hours not doing anything I meant to and mostly just feel like shit because of it and it keeps happening#and now I need to lay down and I know what's likely to happen if I do that#but I do need to listen to my body especially after getting stuck in a situation that makes our pain and fatigue worse#also we had to take pain meds earlier and that's definitely not helping with us feeling shit emotionally about all this#I hate having to navigate our brain and body just not functioning properly#I feel like we've had so little energy lately and it's reminding me too much of this time last year when we had that blood infection#I'm terrified of that happening again because we almost didn't get treatment because we started to assume it was just our new baseline#hmm apparently within like 5 minutes we've gone from ''ugh I wasted 3 hours'' to almost crying over medical trauma#I probably need to try and do something to calm us down but also I'm too tired to really do anything#which brings me right back to the issue that triggered this whole rant and me getting upset in the first place
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I may have lost all hope
#it's a weird feeling?#like since late 2022 it's been kind of like. bad vibes consistently#and i tried to stay somewhat positive throughout it#but idk there's this very distinct feeling now of like. i can't describe it but it's completely gone#like I've actually got nothing to live for#nothing I've done or wanted to do since i was 14 has ever really like amounted to anything#all the friends i made i never feel like i can talk to#once again in that state of 'only alive so my family don't get sad'#like even when i wanted to just stop existing when i was 21 there was this tiny bit of hope still there a little bit#like i remember for that whole summer i kept getting quick thoughts about suicide but I'd always push them out of my mind instantly#but there was one day where i let the thought stay in my mind for a little bit and like properly considered how i would do it#and then after a bit i was like FUCK and then went and walked like an hour away from my house to try and forget it#and then after that day i slowly got better. and it was annoying bc it meant now i had to walk a whole hour back to my house#but even if those 2 months there was still this feeling of this isn't gonna last#bc i knew i was back at uni in a few months and at least i had music to listen to#and all the other times I've been in that state there was still this sort of feeling that it'll get better bc I've got things to get me#through it#but it doesn't feel like that now. like no job no friends no hyperfixation and now i can't even enjoy any music#anything i create is pointless bc only i care about it#all my friends are busy doing other stuff I'm like not even second best I'm the most forgettable person anyone might know#the only thing that would fix me is getting a random train to like some place I've never been#just to see a new thing i guess#but anyway#ramble#suicide mention
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bath + asparagus time
#I did some cleaning and my day’s gotten slightly better#long story short I’ve had a fucking weekend lmfao#last Thursday I had a complete breakdown on my way home prompted by like the smallest comment u could think of#nevertheless it made me sob violently#like picture florence pugh in midsommar but more hysterical#on Friday I had a good day!! but it was fuckin busy man and I didn’t get around to#half of the stuff I needed to#Saturday was also busy and on the way home from work my car started SMOKING!!!! from under the hood#nothing was on fire but it freaked me the fuck out and I couldn’t get it to the mechanic until today so I had to find rides everywhere#and that was stressful#I only got like 3 or 4 hours of sleep Saturday night bc I had a (fun!!!) thing that went really late and then had to get up at 5 for work#on Sunday#so Sunday afternoon I got home and napped from 2-6pm and then just went to bed at 8 so I STILL didn’t get any shit done#and then this morning I opened again and I spent my sh#ift w people who are even newer at my job than I am so I was like training them/doing everything they couldn’t do yet and it was just#a weird day and my boss was acting weird and I didn’t like it at all#and then this afternoon I take my car to the mechanic FINALLY and he says the radiator’s busted and leaking coolant everywhere and also#one of the tires is fucked so we have to get them all replaced#and that’s gonna be several hundred dollars which is fine it’s all fine but I’m fucking tired#and when I got home there were still dishes to do😭😭😭#I need someone to baby me and clean my house#gawd#valkyrie talks
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jumpscared by least favorite seasonal chore
#I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST LEAVING IT THIS YEAR SINCE IT WAS SO LATE. FUCK THE GRASS IT'S SHITTY GRASS#it's almost xmas why did you not rake the yard while i was um. not around#IT SUCKS OKAY. I"M NOT A TEAM PLAYER#ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND MANDATORY POINTLESS YARDWORK#it hurts my back and my joints and it takes me forever and it's always stupid bright outside and i hate kicking the rakes and it's never#good enough because if i'm raking the yard it should be perfect right?? it always turns into a 3 day thing and the yard isn't even that big#we just all suck at it except for my dad so he spends the whole time being like well why don't you just do it this way. dad i CANT that's#why i'm doing it my way. it's shittier but it's Possible and yours is not. bruhgh i hate raking the yard sorry that's all#i am feeble and sore and i hate moving please don't make me do this#he's like why do you sit on the ground to scrape the leaves into the bags girl what else do you want me to do. i can barely do the dishes#without sitting sometimes and you want me to rake for 6 hours??? what?????#look i know this is mostly trivial but it sucks okay. fuck my stupid baka life#i have been exactly this bitter about such chores my whole life and im not stopping now. i hate being made to do stuff on a whim that hurts#me for an entire day when i wasn't expecting it okay. i feel like that's a normal response adults are allowed to have even though children#are not. something something children's autonomy etc#and honestly i just hate being in my yard doing manual labor in full view. you should not be able to see me moving around what ew gross#(<- super weird about being perceived doing anything physical) (<- hates being seen moving awkwardly and so anything but small practiced#movements are just. agh. unless they're silly and i can make them smoother but like exertion? No. oh my god i hate that)#shit like oh i don't wanna put a bra on bc that's uncomfy but what if my neighbors ogle me while they drive past i don't want that#just some gangly twink failing a basic task in the clumsiest way possible and fucking all their joints at the same time. sucks. hate#(<- man i don't even feel right EATING around people for the most part like. you want me to RAKE?? movement is a performance and you put me#up there with no rehearsal no script nothing just the wikipedia page for hamlet. i can't do this all of a sudden. what. what)#(<- i just. waughhUAGHH i hate it so so much i don't like it okay. for reasons that are yet to be diagnosed)#(<- no body language is natural to me so it must be practiced to feel natural AND YOURE PUTTING ME ON THE SPOT. IT FEELS WEIRD)#aughh. if i had the leaves on a table and a chair or something i'd be better. not great but better. but all the bending over and crouching#and scooping and getting leaves under my gloves and the scary scuttly bugs and scraping myself on the branches mixed in on accident i just#do not like it. gross#ugh at least now i have wireless earbuds. used to yank out my corded ones with the rakes pretty regularly and Oh Boy Did That Not Improve M#Situation There like. whewwww#and my dad's always like hey i know we're starting late (it's past noon here) but ummm i'd really appreciate it if we could really push
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realising i have health anxiety and it’s the fucking worst i feel like i’m doing to die
#and what’s worse!!! is im so fucking scared of doctors!!! and hospitals!!!#literally just seeing blue plastic gloves makes my heart rate increase!!!!#i have so many concerns for my health rn and i can’t even tell if it’s just me overthinking or if it’s at to be worried about!!#and then if it’s just me overthinking!! what if i decide im overthinking and then i actually should have worried ab it!!#what if i go to the gp and there actually IS something wrong!! what do i do!!#i don’t have this symptom anymore but what if it’s connected to this other thing that could be wrong!! my tummy hurts! l#is that related or is that just anxiety!!#my throat feels weird! is it a cold? is it covid? is it cancer? or is it anxiety??#what if there’s something ELSE that’s wrong w me that i just haven’t noticed and i don’t notice until it’s too late!!#what if i have to stay in the hospital!! how will i cope!!#mami is too far away to go w me to the gp!! and i’m almost fucking twenty!! i should not be this scared!!#what if the doctor is an asshole! what if it’s a man! what if he just tells me to lose weight! what if he tells me it’s cancer!#what if! what if! what if! what if! what if!#what if i come out of a checkup even more traumatised than i already am!!!#i don’t know if i could handle it!#but oh my god what if there’s something wrong!!!#i’m spiralling oh my god#might delete later i am just so anxious my heart feels like it’s been pounding for hours
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ok here’s two things I wanna make in our Minecraft world:
Enderman farm !!!! I really wanna get to the end and we’re gonna need more ender pearls for that! I think we need a desert for this? But I would have to look it up lol, we might have to make another nether highway if we need to have a desert
Villager Farm !!!!! I think having villagers in general would be helpful so we would need to look for a village, we could get villagers with enchantment books [esp mending which would be v helpful ]
Also I wanna go netherite mining sometime, this one isint a build or w/e, we’ve been getting more diamonds so we can work on making diamond armor and tools n the such and enchant them with those books from the villagers and upgrade em to netherite
Ooo yes yes!!
I didnt know enderman farms were a thing tbh, i thought you just had to get lucky and hoped they spawned but yeah! I wanna get to the end too so were gonna need to. Im pretty sure i remember finding a desert when we were exploring one of the first times and i needed cactus for my sheep, i could be mixing up worlds but i think i know roughly where one is.
I was actually thinking about a villager farm and neatherite last time we were playing. We might need to find a new one idk but i know we also found a village or two out the way of the desert, which we could use the same neather highway(maybe with an extra stop if its far enough away?). I think it could be cool also that since we’re surrounded by so much ocean we could even make like a whole neather highway system to get to a bunch of different cool places or places with biome specific blocks we want, we just beed to mark down coords somewhere and i can do the maths to get us there.
Im Gonna be totally honest with you bestie, neatherite sounds Awesome for real, i have no idea how to get it, not even the slightest ive never gotten it used it i just know it exists. So ur gonna need to help me with that i got no idea how it works other than i think you add it onto diamond armour? But yeah sounds Awesome!
Oh also also. I was thinking with all the rails i keep nicking from mineshafts, we have a lot now, so if we got enough good from mining for the powered rails we could make minecarts places. I was thinking probably either down the mine could be cool but mainly on the neather highway. In all the worlds ive played in with my family we always end up making these long as hell minecart rails to places of down in mines and generally its the normal rails its a struggle to get because you need so much damn iron (the main reason i kept grabbing the rails, just used to it) i think it would be really cool and between the 8:1 overworld:neather block ratio and the minecart speed we could get places so fast and easy
#heheh so excited#i thinl having goals is gonna be good for our world#its rlly fun playing anyways but the last few times weve just been trying to fond things to do with no ideas#i think these r goood anf msybe also we could try to make a potion station or smthn?#i dont think we have any neather wart so we‘ll have to find that and make a blaze farm but i think potions would be cool#timezones r weird man#and we just play for unreasonable amounts of time (affectionate) that i look at 10am and go damn it its too late to play now#last time we played i was like wow that wasnt very long my switch still have charge on it and that was like 5 hours#oooo maybe we coulf also go back to that other cave and mineshaft the one mal died in#for rails and minerals and all that good stuff#there was so much we didnt get to#Tree Man Posts#asks#minecraft
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