★the desire to go to school and the want to stay at home tomorrow (or..today-) is having a tug of war in my mind.★

vent

too many fucking movies/shows out there that show yes, it is all men, yet i’m expected to not believe all men are vile pieces of sexist crap who use women for their own benefit?

I wish we could be together, would you let me cling to you often? always some part of me touching you, knowing you don't mind my need for skinship. little glances and touches, linking fingers or your hand around my waist. oh would you?

one projection-headcanon i have is that rui is not at all open about his age regression.

he did not grow up with a group of friends around him that would accept him.

he has found away to keep himself company, to hide all of his secrets away in himself.

you'd think that now that he has wondersho he can just spill his secrets and let them flow, not afraid of rejection.

its not that easy

growing up lonely then having friends doesn't mean a complete attitude change

even though he has friends

though he has people who care about him

he is still horribly lonely

i'm going to add this to my rules shortly  but please only follow this blog if you can handle the fact that i occasionally share my opinions on the rpc  (  for example,  saying things like the only way to deal with anon hate is to block it,  or just making general reminders about how we can better our experience  ).  i make such comments with the intention to be helpful.  they are always about everyone on my dash.  they are not vagues — they  ARE  in fact directed at  ALL  my mutuals,  and they mean to be constructive in the same vein as the positivity posts i make.  you don't have to agree with everything i say and you can run your blog however you like  !  i'm not here to tell you what to do,  but i am free to share my experiences as a means to help or as reminders for those who are discouraged or going through a rough time on my dash.  i will be more thorough with my tw tags going forward to ensure necessary blacklisting can happen.  if this is not a vibe for you,  hard block me right now.  i request that with utmost sincerity.

★hey what the fuck is wrong with my brain, I just sat down for like 20 minutes after doing chores (on my own will lmao) and finishing my online lessons and in these 20 minutes of rest- my brain is whispering 'lazy, LAZY-'★

i don't care if i'm sick i don't care if its """wrong""" i don't want normal i don't want healthy i only want him i only need him he only needs me we are safe and good for each other i don't care i don't care i don't care stop trying to tell me it's wrong

okay so a bit of a complaint regarding the lantern rite but mostly about the game overall. gonna put it under a cut just in case of spoilers.

i don't know about anyone else, but i'm getting reeeeally annoyed with paimon lately. no matter who we talk to or what we're doing, she just has to be rude or make really insensitive jokes. like. throughout lantern rite, she was overly rude to xianyun for absolutely no reason and then would double down on it whenever xianyun would call her out on it. she's rude to everyone around us, she butts in when she shouldn't (though so does traveler but paimon is more frustrating about it). it's just. ever since the prologue, paimon has been unnecessarily rude to everyone? to venti, to jean, to diluc, to zhongli, to anyone the traveler comes into contact with? and it's just really really annoying to me? a lot of her comments and side remarks are just so unnecessary. i don't know if this is just a localization issue where the english translation is ruder than the original or what, but i'm lowkey tired of it and her attitude is making the story annoying to play.

Wow I'm so tired of school to the point where I actually teared up and started thanking god that there won't be school tomorrow because the mayor just announced it.

lil vent

i’m so sick of being single. genuinely. i have so much love to give. i wanna love and be loved. i wanna plan cute dates and surprise them with gifts i know they’ll love. i wanna go to the beach and go on drives blasting music with the windows down. but i also wanna just hold each other at night with a movie playing in the background as i listen to their heartbeat while i lay on their chest. i want somewhere to put my love and energy into. i want someone. my someone.

but that hatred of being single also comes with the overwhelming feeling of being lonely. the desperation to feel genuine connection in person, not just through a screen. i have one friend who lives in the same city as me but we go to different schools and barely ever see each other. it feels more online to me, just like my long distance friendships. i want a friendship where we see each other often, especially at school. because GOD am i sick of spending lunches alone in the bathroom.

it also comes with being so overly sick of myself. sick of not being able to have a single conversation with someone without my voice shaking and my head swarming with self-deprecating thoughts. sick of my chest aching with pure anxiety at the thought of socializing. sick of not having a normal outlook on life. sick of not being normal.

i long to feel normal. but i feel like an outsider, an alien, in social situations. that’s why i say i hate parties and get-togethers and outings so much. because i have no idea of what to say or how to act or how to live my life without overthinking everything about myself.

i’m sick of being me. i’m sick of having the social skills of a worm. i’m sick of having to draw on this false image of me to people i know only online so i can hide how pathetic i am.

just had the worst night of my life guys

vent-ish? sorry in advance.

sometimes i imagine that it was hard for rui to to accept his identity as an age regressor. he's fought so hard to be seen as mature and not childish, yet the concept that helps him cope most is one that drags him back to his own immaturity.

regressing, even though it is supposed to help him, to allow him to relive his childhood and cope, makes him feel small in all the wrong ways, regressing back to his days of loneliness.

and of course, he can't just ask for comfort.

he's with his troupe. he's happy. but will it last? he cannot say for sure. he needs something solid.

no, he's brought this upon himself, thinking he could cope in a healthy way.

he is, at his core, small, alone, and afraid.

📻🎙 Salutations! Oh my I see we have quite dead on our blog. Well that tends to happen when the mind goes into survival mode due to an over bearing bitch forcing last minute things ha ha ha! Don't we just LOVE old people and their entitlement! /sarc

so fucking real. what if this is it? what if i’ll never get better and i’ll always be stuck with this fucked up brain? what if i’ll never be stable, never be happy? what if i’m never how i was supposed to be?