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#[[ and I have to get insurance within in the next 8 months so i can keep taking the medicine i need to survive ]]

deadlifts-and-deadlines · 3 months

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Today is day two of the ice storm.

The first picture is how thick the ice was when I scraped off my car around 1:30pm yesterday. I haven’t been outside yet today, but it’s been raining most of the night and it has been hovering around freezing so it might not be too frozen out, but it is still slick. Picture two is Ender’s decorated cookies; he went over to Mimi and grandpas for a cousin cookie party yesterday afternoon - perks of living in the same neighborhood as our family. One of my SIL’s makes a massive batch of sugar cookies every Christmas and just kind of doles them out over the next few months for the little kids to play with and decorate. They aren’t edible, but they love to decorate and it keeps them busy so I approve, lol.

I am tired AF and feel like I’m running on fumes. No appetite. No solid poops. The stomach and chest pain has subsided significantly though, and I actually felt pretty good once I got up and going yesterday. It sounds fake, but working out and getting moving in the early AM helps me so much. I can’t really do CF of anything heavy or cardio intensive during these times, but light lifting and bodybuilding style workouts seem to energize me. So I usually work out, shower, try and actually get dressed, clean the house up a little, eat something small, and then I can usually trick myself into feeling well enough to keep going, or I go down, but at least then I accomplished something for the day.

I take Stelara on Saturday, but if I have another night like I did on Sunday night I will probably take it sooner. I don’t think a couple days will make a huge difference in the scheme of things but it does mean the difference between me getting really sick for a few days. I refuse to go to the ER within the week of an injection, I’m not paying for that even though it’s cheaper for my insurance to do it this way then just… give me the dosing I need. I would legit just take the shot early. I’m a little nervous though because my prescription for the next 8 weeks hasn’t been released yet… and I have still heard nothing from the GI or insurance so I have no idea what’s going on. Usually I have the next injection within a couple weeks of having to take the first. So I’m a little nervous I’m getting taken off of it. I guess I should call and find out; I’m so sick of spending time on the phone dealing with this shit - honestly it is a full time job on top of being chronically sick - another full time job!

I’m going to figure this out though. We’re getting closer, but I truly never thought it would be this long and complicated of a process for me. I don’t know why. I think I just thought that as soon as we got a diagnosis we’d know what to do. Now it feels like the more we try the more we find out is wrong with me 🤣

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lifeinkinder · 11 months

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We are headed to our 3rd doctors appointment this week, this time for Squish.

Baby girl spits up 10-20 times a day. At least once within 30 minutes of her bottle but usually more and at least twice within 2 hours of her bottle but also usually more. Plus sometimes the fun spit up in the middle of her bottle. And sometimes that fun spit up where spit up comes out of her nose. And I worry that she's aspirated.

We went to urgent care Sunday for that exact reason though they put the visit reason down as spitting up and the PA said I was just a concerned first time mom. Nah ma'am my baby went completely stiff when spit up came out her nose and she wasn't crying like she usually does and I cannot guarantee she didn't stop breathing for a few seconds. Plus the patient advisory line with her insurance told me she should be seen because of the potential that she aspirated and because I couldn't guarantee she didn't stop breathing for a few seconds. She's done the spit up coming out her nose before but never tur completely stiff not crying thing. Even where the twins are concerned, I don't generally overreact. I mean one of them is medically complex I've grown pretty familiar with when I need to be worried and when I don't.

And I know she has reflux and she's gaining weight so there's no need to be concerned. But she has so many symptoms of severe reflux and I refuse to accept that it'll just be this way for the next year or so. At least without further investigation to make sure that's all it is.

Because I switched to a low lactose formula and I feed her sitting up and she's upright for upwards of an hour after each feeding and I don't bounce or rock or jostle for at least 45 minutes and literally nothing has changed. In fact her spit up continues to get more frequent.

Little Man went to the local cardiologist today. Nothing new to report. Nothings changed since we saw his primary cardiologist 10 days ago. Local Cardiologist says full repair surgery at 3-6 months primary cardiologist says full repair at 4-8 months. So sometime between now and December he'll have open heart surgery. I'm hoping I can get his primary cardiologist to nail down a more specific timeline when he sees her in 11 days because yall that 6 month range is killer for planning purposes when I'll have to write lts plans and take fmla and figure out what to do with squish and how to balance baby in the cardiac picu and baby who is fine. Especially if his surgery happens during rsv season since she'll be in daycare and my students will be a germy mess.

#adventures in life #science twins

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nicetrynicetry · 6 days

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189

It’s cold. London is clinging to winter for dear life, even though its residents are like “you have to let go so we can stop wearing turtlenecks”. I ball my fists riding to the studio without gloves, resenting every time I have to extend my fingers to brake at a light. My nose runs. All other ailments are gone, thank god. I slept long and hard, dreamt I was in Larry’s home trying to leave his 78th birthday present with the staff but also secretly hoping to run into him. Cy Twombly is there, doing some conservation on his own Bacchus painting. Larry is at a piano (?) and presents me with 4 years’ worth of birthday gifts of my own. I don’t remember what they are, but even in the dream itself I am aware of how typical it is for me to be having the dream. I get up and Jehovah’s Witnesses are at my door, asking if I’m interested in being saved. There is no good answer to this, but I tell them I have to get to work. This sounds fake because it’s a Sunday, but I figure God or Jehovah or whoever is witnessing it knows I’m not lying

Shoreditch is a sea of young professionals attending the flower market and abusing four-tops at brunch (two seats for humans and two for plants). Skaters are skating. Even though some policemen are younger than me, there will thankfully always be skaters older than me, attempting kick flips. The yard is in Sunday mode, namely empty but vaguely sus. There has been a camper van outside my studio for weeks now, its curtains drawn, and a decal saying HARRIET with a faded Union Jack on the front. I know it’s bad karma to tell the landlord about it, possibly ruining a desperate person’s temporary living situation, but I tell the landlord anyway. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it’d take much for the universe to put Harriet in my spacious painting studio and me in the camper van. But that’s overly superstitious. My end of the yard is its own planet, neither public nor private, where three point turns are performed and drugs are taken and trash is left. The boss of the snooker club says there’s no real point in having a burglar alarm because the police can never find our addresses. So I unhooked the alarm a while ago, voided my insurance. I live on the edge. Just me and my paintings and my landlord’s CCTV camera from 1998 and I guess now Harriet

I haven’t seen M in months when he rings my doorbell. He has been in Venice along with the rest of the art world, working too hard both professionally and socially. We catch up in depth, and I make him late for his next appointment. Heaven is painting and then having M over to smoke cigs, just like during the pandemic. And we kept the tradition going long after the pandemic, which was even better because there wasn’t the obligatory probing for possible exposures to covid during the week. Not that this ever worked, because covid was always caught from nowhere and everywhere. It was also different back then, because by the time M arrived I would have had around 7 or 8 calls from Larry, who was lonely and introspective in Amagansett. Or at least as introspective as somebody like that can get. Sometimes I still see videos people repost of worried-sounding women announcing to the world that their closest friends have stopped wearing masks and how much of a betrayal this is. I forget that in 2021 these women were reflecting a very real societal uncertainty, but the same women still at it in 2024 (and still expecting everybody around them to fall in line) are a nightmare. They remind me a little of the people I was in rehab with who didn’t want to go home at the end of their 28 days. And when I say they didn’t want to go home, I mean they really didn’t. Some even stayed, pretending it was to “cement their recovery”, but really they were scared. And I can’t blame them. People like known quantities, even unpleasant known quantities. I couldn’t get out of the rehab door fast enough, for the record. But then I also relapsed within 3 months, so who am I to judge

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reenajohn · 2 months

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have been so long so much have happen

so have been busy with all my doctors appointments in hospital and what not

just wanna say im sooo grateful we met and bringing miie here and there for all my appointments

so he noticed my weight loss without any reason nor any intention to lose weight and also my fainting episode that keep getting worse tbh i get my smart watch not cos i workout but cos i know have those episodes happening now and then but not as close i just wanna know how my heart beats going like is it cos blood not pumping right or something that’s why i get it. any way he saw the weight loss and figured it out something was wrong i was 1st being send to government hospital cos of my fainting but well they just put miie at the side walk give miie IV bag took my blood for test and told miie nothing wrong my bf told miie to take the report back to him he will find his friends (doctor) to read it no way u r ok when the fainting happen two time just within hrs apart as i asked for the blood test report they told miie i can get it in health app the next day i was like ok i when home in the middle of the night they dont even keep miie till next day even tho i told them im alone no one there to pick miie up great … the next day download my blood test results and send to bf and he send to his friends and straight up his friends call back tell him that red blood cell count is very low and is kinda low nutrition and he scold miie for not eating right as i only eat bread most of the time and so he keep asking miie to eat better and everytime we meet he will get miie real food like chicken meat and what not but well fainting episode still happen and his find his insurance friend to get miie a full body check up in private hospital, all the blood test and also put camera in miie to see if any inside problems turn out blood test shows i have hyperthyroidism and his doctor friend suggest us to get test from government health care as this way the bill will be much more cheaper then private health care so of i go to government health care he took miie there and 6 trip there to get miie to a government hospital health care system and now finally getting it monitored and also get miie to eye specialist as i was complaining eye pain pretty frequently and this illness will affect my eyes too so eye specialist have to check and monitor on my eye. turn up my ex bf who poked miie in the eye like 8 years ago is caseing my eye pain as it scar my eye and have not healed up since then doctor told miie to keep it moist so it will not hurt cos when ever its dry the scar kinda open up like how ur skin get cut and is opening up as and when u rubbing against finger and it don heal well when that happen so keeping it moist helps to keep it close hope it will heal soon so i have appointment with eye doctor 3 month after and some how my grown a bump on my eye lip and i ask to get it fixed before my birthday since i have an appointment right before my birthday and on the same day the doctor remove it with a small surgery as miie to rest for a day so now the bump is fix when for a review today and found that my the other eye is growing one too and she helps miie to get it out straight away not letting it turn into a bump and she told miie all good now will see miie in like 6months time so great now my next appointment is my hyperthyroid doctor appointment this most likey will be on going for longer as my thyroid still not stable yet as my dose of medication when down like 1 months ago how my next blood test appointment will not go crazy if not im sooo going back to my old dose yup will updated again if i have time any way my weight is back so i guess im doing well i think. 🤔

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teddyextrapaw · 10 months

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eidolon’s gender diaries: 7/6/2023

i thought it might be fun to document my medical transition here! i may even show photos of myself when relevant. today was just intake, though, so no need yet.

so. ive known i was trans since i was 11. came out to my entire family and school at 13. and ive been wanting top surgery and HRT the entire time

however i was super mentally unstable in my teen years, trauma, abuse and mental illness made it a hell of a struggle to stay alive. i was drowning and the possibility of testosterone making that worse concerned my mom.

we tried to get me on hormone blockers, but the guy i saw was a transphobic dickwad and deemed me not trans, even tho i thought i was a binary trans man at the time. he said i was just hormonal and sent me to the womens ward to go on birth control

ive been on just that, birth control, for 8-9 years now. my periods cause me severe dysphoria, but honestly it was not even sort of enough to help. it was a bandaid solution to a bigger problem

over the past 13 years of learning and growing and figuring myself out, ive come to love my body and identity the best i possibly can. but as my mental state stabilized yet my dysphoria stayed consistently horrific and disabling, i realized i might have to make the jump and start gender affirming care

it was scary. my dream has always been to be gender non conforming. ideal gender presentation for me is like... beard, makeup, long hair, no boobs and a dress. lol. tho tbh, clothes wise i dress different all the time. but u kno

given the bad experience with the highly acclaimed gender specialist at 16, i was highkey terrified but my experience at the lgbt clinic i went to today was literally insanely positive

first off, my doctor is trans. they are not 100% sure on pronouns yet, but they do not identify with their assigned gender. love it! they are super passionate, kind, and caring. they love to say “beautiful” when they mean “great” (i.e. “do you know about xyz side effect?” “yeah!” “beautiful :D”) and theyre just... so cute lol.

i got my blood drawn for tests on diabetes risk, blood cell count, and testosterone and estrogen levels. i just got it drawn for other health issues recently so thankfully that lessened the amount of bloodwork. i haaate bloodwork.

i also had to sign So much paperwork so my doc is not legally accountable for if i misuse the meds or dont like the results. he wished he could just give me testosterone today but that and the bloodwork needs done first

im a little afraid of the lifestyle changes ill need to make, namely with making sure to exercise more as there is a higher risk of cardiac arrest and similar issues on testosterone but staying in shape can help lessen it. but i think itll be good for my mental health in the long run, and a good motivator

next week i have an appointment where we will do everything and ill get my first prescription of testosterone... shakes like a chihuahua in excitement

also, apparently my insurance is very lax about top surgery and i may be able to get it within the month. at the latest, within the year!!!!!! my bmi/weight does not matter and i got a recommendation of a surgeon i was already impressed with the results of!!! hes done a lot of top surgery for “obese” patients and it all looks amazing

im literally so excited. i honestly thought i might not live to see the day i got to medically transition... but here we are :D i lived!!! i lived bitches!! im 24 and i have a long life to continue!!! and i will be so much happier and my body will feel like MINE!!!!!!!!!

#eidolon gabs #textpost #eidolons gender diaries #transgender #weight mention #bmi mention #fatphobia jic #but they were not fatphobic. not at all

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teethandclawsxx · 10 months

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vent. big one . probably warning for medical stuff but ultimately i dont have the brain for tagging so read at your own risk LOL

in a violent and killing mood btw. my sheets dont stay on my bed for long and usually it wakes me up . but this time it didnt and my phone got slid up under my shoulder and mustve turned the alarm off like as soon as it started bc it didnt wake me up either. and tomorrow i was supposed to have a test done but i have to drink like 2l of barium for it (it just says two bottles but skerples did a similar test and it was 2l) and it has to be done within two hours but every time ive even had to drink like. 2l in 8 hours for tests i end up projectile vomiting bc my stomach gets so overfilled it just comes back out the top end bc the stuff takes hours to pass into my intestines. thats literally what the doc told me its caused by. so idk how they expect me to be able to drink 2l in 2hour. and ive got other labs to do on thursday and idk if the barium will effect that but ive already rescheduled it once day of and now im gonna have to do so again bc theres No Way im gonna be able to do it bc im not going to be able to sleep again before then and i cant eat after midnight but i also am not going to be able to eat BEFORE midnight bc its already 9 and my stomach is upset from being stressed about sleeping too long n bc when i got mad abt it dad started yelling at me and then he was like well yall tear me a new asshole when i get mad and i was just like well no. we tell you to stop yelling At Us when youre mad but we dont even yell at you. youre just yelling at me and telling me not to be angry. pointless and not the same. plus i normally cant eat for a few hours after waking up ANYWAY so mby the time i would be doing the test itll be like. ~20 hours since id eaten and that just isnt going to work. so i gotta reschedule it again but like in the next couple months im gonna lose my insurance bc im unemployed. but im unemployed bc im too sick to work so i NEED to have insurance but who cares if i live or die ig 🥴 and they said the main test they want to do will probably be 6mo after the barium test (its to check for crohns) so its not like im gonna be able to do it anyyyywayyy i just hope the labs on thursday come back quick enough. she said it could take up to a month so im scheduled to see her again like. 7/14 i think sonim just hoping that i still have insurance then and she can diagnose me with SOMETHING even though i doubt it and also that i still have insurance and can get my next 3mo of t but tbh even if i do have insurance i probably cant afford it... i already knew i probably wouldnt be able to stay on it longer than 9mo but id hate to have to stop after just 6 literally only bc it still costs like $65 WITH insurance (idk why bc like. my first set was only $5. the only difference is the newer set has preservatives but idk why it has to)..... basically. fuck

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bell-arina271 · 11 months

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Day 8 of Building Elsa’s Ice Palace

I’m so frustrated. I’m sleeping too much but not enough. Since I can’t get the uninterrupted 7-8 hours of sleep, I sleep for longer and will conk out for almost 12 hours. But it’s not full “sleep”, just like a bunch of naps strung together, so I’m still tired and don’t feel refreshed or anything. It’s really frustrating and I hope I can get some answers soon.

I scheduled a home inspection for next week, hopefully that will be good enough as far as time goes. You need to get everything done within a certain time period according to the contract and for everything to close properly. Will put it down in my planner just in case.

I had to gulp down a shot of coffee to try to keep myself awake for this. I just need a homeowners insurance quote, then I should have all my stuff in order for the house. After that it will be a case of just biding my time and trying not to buy anything until the sale closes lol.

Whoops, wait, spoke too soon, I have the official documents I need to send to my lender. Pic of my driver’s license, and then my pay stubs. Got a lot to do before I relax lol.

Thankfully they don’t really take too long, just a few minutes. Answering all the questions for the home insurance quote takes longer. I’ll hear back from the people by tomorrow at least.

For now I can jut finish up a couple chores and supervise the pups. They’re warming up to people, so look like our socialization strategies are working.

I spent the day finishing up chores, and shopping for tableware and dinner sets online. I have a good theme going if I want to stick with the Elsa Ice Palace theme, but I’ll need something different if I end up going with the “white royal” theme. I need to appeal to a wider audience for this particular venture, right? Plus it needs to be something that looks good year round. Maybe I need something “neutral”, furniture and accessories that kind of work for both ideas.

I found the absolute perfect table set that works for both ideas- but it’s almost $2000 and I can’t make any major purchases before the close of the house. I wouldn’t mind, but there’s a limited quantity and only a few left. I’ll just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope they’ll still be there by next month.

Today I spent hours shopping and bookmarking. I’m so picky for what I want and it’s hard to find the exact taste and style I’m looking for. But I found the major things I want for the main floor of the house- bed frame, the dining table and chairs, a couch and a TV stand. I haven’t even looked at washing and drying machines and fridges yet.

I can’t buy all the furniture I want right away, because furniture is expensive, but I can at least get the limited quantity ones- or those that are on sale or clearance, before they sell out. Stuff that will make the house GORGEOUS and make people WANT to stay there, you know?

But of course, that’s only assuming people will be traveling to my area anyway. It’s not a super popular city, and travel is expensive nowadays. Maybe I’m too late to cash in on the hospitality hype lol.

Well, at least my house will be pretty and I can take nice pictures. That’ll count for something, I’m sure.

#blogging #elsa #elsas real ice palace #frozen #frozen 2 #airbnb #real estate

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jonassenmcnally99 · 1 year

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due4amiracle · 2 years

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Day 451

Listo:

Laundry/cleaning, Reading, Dailies, #TTRPGThings, Watching.

Laundry/cleaning - Laundry being put away, some garbage thrown away! ✔

Reading things - - 2 Ebooks for me, 1 Audiobook for Sir! ...Yea. 192 for the year, 30 for the month! What a great end to the month. - The Invisible Ring (The Black Jewels #4) by Anne Bishop 100%! 5🌟 (Reread!) - Dreams Made Flesh (The Black Jewels #5) by Anne Bishop 100%! 5🌟 (Reread!) Ah, my second-least-favorite book of the series, i dislike ‘anthologies’ of short stories. But the last one is honestly a fantastic read. - Tangled Webs (The Black Jewels #6) by Anne Bishop 2%! Essentially a sequel to the original trilogy! Nice. UwU♡ ✔✔✔

Dailies - - Waifu Did mah dailies! Also, level 3/50 BP now~! AND! Tree lvl 40/50! Also! 27/43 max friendship namecards acquired! New MONTH! new weeklies! Gem thingy now level 9/10! ♡ω♡✔ So yea. haven’t really been playing because of my computer and also being sick. So. That’s kinda sad. But. Yea know. It is what it is.

#TTRPGThings - Still plotting. Still planning. Ya know. ✔

Watching things - - SAO Alicization: Season 2 - Episode 1/12! - Vancouver by Night: Season 1 - Episode 10/19! - New York by Night: Season 1 - Episode 8/8! Well, season 1 is over, we have our cast for the second season (yay some beautiful returning faces!) and... we have a FULL ASS MONTH TO WAIT ahhhh! It’s ok. - 100 Club: Episode 5/??! Behind again. Is ok.

Other things - Daily Diarrhea Diary - Decent. CPAP timer - 0.0 0.0 Well. Alrighty then. Had my Sleep doctor appointment and... oof. Continued teetering on the edge of losing the CPAP. Which sucks. my results: “73.1% of nights and averages 5.6hours/night used”. Need to be at at least 70% and 4hours/night to keep it. So. That essentially breaks down to i can ‘skip’ 9 days. i’ve already skipped 1. (last night). >_< Next appointment is on the last day of the month. Bleh. But! i washed my hair, and i’m... doing better. Coughing less. We’ll see how tonight treats me. i have started my period. So. We may have to have a “Sir wake up pls and help me put my facehugger back on kthx” but ya know. Is ok. As long as i get those 4 hours. i think it’s cumulative within a 24 hour period? i guess? idk. If... if i. Keep the CPAP, i’ll ask next appointment. Oh and he wants me to keep track of my BP for some reason? idk. But yea so that’s that. Uh. ye. Tomorrow is Neuro appointment. Will take literally 3 minutes at most. Shrug. Oh! Also, found out that my new insurance is like, cream of the crop stuff. Like. Best shit. So. ok i guess. Cool. That’s that.

Food: A Liquid: A Pain: B Brain: C

Tomorrow: Laundry/cleaning, Reading, Dailies, #TTRPGThings, Watching.

Ever Onwards and Upwards!

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lewiselder · 2 years

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I’m 79 and my husband still loves me - 2 short stories

well motherfucking well

i know that ain’t who i think it is!

unfortunately, it’s exactly who you think it is.

the last time i added to this was the summer before covid. that was, what, summer 2019? so about 150 years ago. i’m out of practice, so if the writing in this is shittier than the other ones, forgive me and fuck you, you write it then! nah jk but it will be worse but hopefully not too much worse

what a motherfucker of a time to be living in! truly a shit show all around. but i hope if you’re reading this, that you are doing well.

covid largely meant that, for a while, my interactions with people were limited, which in turn meant way fewer arm stories. now that we’ve all resigned to getting literal SARS multiple times a year, things have picked up steam over the past 6-8 months.

and you know what that fucking means!

it means i’ve had some real day ruiner interactions that result in written content that 20 people read on the toilet!

so without much further ado, let’s dive right the fuck in! we’re gonna do 2 short (i can’t like be held legally accountable for saying short and then them not being that short, can i?) stories, so we have a lot to cover today

1) big stupid balding corny soft ass werido fuckface loser

alright lol. so this story is something that happened just last week and then again today (writing this on June 12th), so very recent.

every sunday morning i play pick up basketball. there’s a 9:30 game and a 10:30 game. i usually play in both. it’s essentially a YMCA style league with varying skill levels. if you know me, you know that there are very few things in life i do for, “fun.” i am not a fun person. i’m a productive person, a hard working person, but not a fun one. i’m working on it. however, i do really have fun hooping.

last week i didn’t play because i had tweaked my hamstring the week before. my friend jake still went. he comes back from playing and goes, “man you’ll never guess what happened”

he tells me that while at basketball, he starts talking to some guy on his team -we’ll call this guy Baldy for reasons we will discuss momentarily.

Baldy tells Jake he just moved to Portland from Austin, Tx. Jake, who used to live in Austin, is like oh nice, I lived in Austin for a number of years. Baldy continues on. After a few comments, he says something along the lines of:

“Man I played basketball recently with a guy with one arm. He shot a lot and he was making em, but I don’t know if those are the best shots, ahaha yeah man Portland is a weird city”

Jake tells me this. Turns our I had (obviously) recently played with this guy. I remembered him. He’s a tall white dude with the tattoos of an edgy barista, thinning hair, and big barback energy. very cool! He seemed to me to be the flavor of white guy where he probably really loves camping and also might later murder his wife and kids. Does that make sense?

Now, I’m used to ppl mentioning having played ball with a guy with one arm, that doesn’t bother me.

What fucking bothers me is:

1) so even if I make shots, it’s not a good shot because...why? and

2) Portland, an entire motherfucking city, is weird because...I fucking exist within it? That’s why Portland is weird? Because I get my weird ass up at 7:30am every Sunday morning (kind of a weird time to wake up and on a weird day too, idk), drink some weird fucking coffee, put on my weird pants one weird leg at a time, and drive my weird ass across this weird city to make some weird and purportedly ill-advised shots? Ok!

Ok! OK! Alright!

Jake didn’t necessarily see the issue at first, but I was pretty fucking mad immediately. This dude, a virtual stranger to me, went to Jake, a legitimate stranger to him, and used me as fucking small talk? And to talk shit???

Baldy! I know you don’t have much going on in whatever insurance salesman hell your life is, but I’m gonna need you to bone up on some other subjects over the next lonely IPA you drink in your ugly 1 bedroom apartment while googling, “tattoo ideas, original, not feathers” and “best hairstyles for thinning hair”

I’ve heard they are doing wonderful things in the world of hair restoration! You could perhaps start there! “Man so yesterday I finally decided to try Hims...” - there! I already gave you a nice, easy start! It is clear to me why your extremely thin hair and suicidal hairline seem to be doing everything they can to escape being close to your brain.

Soooooooooo, fast forward to this week, my hamstring is all healed up! And guess who’s been on my mind!

That’s right - Baldy has! And guess who I see at the gym. I’ll give you a hint: he has a forrest tattoo on his forearm (don’t know if he actually does but seems near impossible he wouldn’t) and hair as whispy as a rolling field of wheat.

After the games, I go up to Baldy

[now, as always, the dialogue below is somewhat paraphrased, but it was super recent so it’s as close to accurate as i’m going to get]

Me: “I heard that you, a stranger to me, go up to other strangers and talk about me to those strangers?”

Baldy: *very very caught off guard* “Oh uhhh yeah I mean, sorry man I just, [idk he said some other shit here apologizing]”

Me: “Don’t ever fucking talk about me. Why would you talk about me? That’s some fucking weirdo, loser shit. What kind of weirdo does that? Talks about someone they don’t know to someone else they don’t know?”

Baldy: [hair falling out everywhere] “yeah i said i’m sorry, you don’t ever talk about people you play with?”

Me: “Uhhh not like that I fucking don’t. It’s not my responsibility that you don’t have shit else going on in your life to talk about but I need you to find a new ice breaker. Don’t ever fucking talk about me again man”

Baldy: [general uncomfortable stammering] “alright man i’m sorry i won’t”

And that’s pretty much it. I just stared at him a little and then packed my shit and left.

I have a lot of crazy shit happen to me, and while this doesn’t have the WOW factor of some other stories, this particular one has made me so fucking mad.

For some weirdo hipster to run his fucking mouth about me to a complete stranger, when him and I have literally had 0 real interactions, to insinuate that because he saw me and interacted with me that Portland is a weird city (which, hey man I also lived in Austin for 2 years) is the type of shit that should get you punched in the fucking head.

But, much to my absolute chagrin, I am almost 30 and I am “mature” and “in therapy” and have a “career” and so I can’t punch this guy in the fucking face. All I can do is embarrass him in front of some random people and hopefully make the rest of his day way worse, just like he did mine.

This thin scalped man tied together a comment about an entire city being weird to me just literally existing while doing the same activity as him. I’m also pretty sure he shot like 4-12 from the field today lol but those were all great shots!

I don’t know. Just fucking leave people alone, man. It sucks because really, what the fuck can I even do? If you have any real marginalized identity (not you, white guy with painted nails!) you no doubt know this feeling all too motherfucking well.

Even after confronting him (which yo, I did not want to do - it’s fucking nerve wracking and uncomfortable but I feel like I literally have to) I feel so unsatisfied. I have equitable justice blue balls. But that’s part of maturity, I fucking guess.

Anyway, that’s it. Fuck that dude. I’m sure I’ll see his stupid ass next week.

2) I’m 79 and my husband still loves me!

now, i have 2 other recent stories. one is insane, and one is just kind of quirky and light hearted. I figured we should round out the above hate fest with something a little more light hearted, so we’re gonna go with the latter and thankfully, I have just the thing!

this happened about, oh idk, 3-4 weeks ago. i was at the gym, headphones on and head down, when a very old woman with a walker kind of snuck up behind me trying to get by. i immediately moved out of the way, but i noticed she was trying to say something to me.

i take out my airpods and turn to face her. she is very, very old looking. she has maybe 2 teeth, is dressed in one of those old lady grandma style gowns, and is using a walker like i mentioned.

she starts by saying, “you’re really strong! you don’t let that stop you” *motions to my arm*

her voice is literally like a whisper. like, she’s not whispering intentionally, but her voice is so soft it’s like i’m imagining i’m hearing it more so than actually hearing it.

she also speaks almost painfully slowly. it’s like there’s a toll booth in her mouth and each word has to settle its debt before being allowed to escape.

i say oh thanks and smile.

she then goes, “you have pretty eyes”

i’m like ok well that’s new lmao new gym compliment unlocked!

i say thanks, and she continues, “you’re doing a great job. you really are. don’t stop. just don’t stop. i’m 79 and i’m here! tell your mom you’re a good kid. she must be so proud of you.”

i’m just kind of smiling and saying thank you over and over at this point. she’s very sweet, albeit a little all over the place topic wise.

“i died once 3 years ago”

my interest is suddenly renewed!

“my husband caught my head before it hit the floor!”

wow, i say, oh my gosh!

“i hurt my husband when i died. he had to be home alone for a month! but I couldn’t do anything about it because I was in a place with a white light. I didn’t know if I was going or coming!”

well i’m so glad you’re still here!

“me...too...i bet your mom loves you. i have 5 children, 1 adopted 4 kids he found in a dumpster!”

wait he found 4 kids in a dumpster??

“people need to know there are consequences of having sex!”

totally but wait can we go back to that part about the dumpster

“i’m just so proud of you. you’re very special.”

[long pause as we look deep into each others eyes, hers cloudy with either wisdom or cataracts, mine undoubtedly baggy and bloodshot]

“heh! but hey, i’m 79 and my husband still loves me!”

that’s honestly pretty impressive. i think we’d all be pretty lucky to have that.

“yes!..and...[contemplative sigh] it’s just so nice to walk around“

as those words slowly crawled out, she said them with a soft, satisfied grin, one that can only exist in the absence of doubt

and that was pretty much the end of the interaction. i agreed and gave her a warm smile. she gave me one back before making her way back across the gym.

i still see her at my gym a couple times a week. she’s still 79, and as far as i know, her husband still loves her. he fucking better, or a man with pretty eyes whose mom must be proud of him is going to come cave his chest in.

no introspective arm analysis on this one. all kind old ladies get to do and say whatever the fuck they want to me (unless they say something super crazy i guess lol) and i’m usually grateful for the interaction on some level.

and she’s right.

through all the absolute nuclear bullshit that life entails, through all the big stupid balding corny soft ass werido fuckface losers, through the pain and grief, heartbreak and anxiety, it’s honestly just so nice to walk around

here’s 2 pictues of my dog, ralph

*youve unlocked 1 free unsolicited compliment or insult if you read this far - your choice*

#lewis elder #lewie armstrong #disability #disabled #disability pride #st. louis #portland #basketball

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fe32 · 2 years

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My Story How I Success in Digital Business

www.ferenaschmidt.com

Life would not be easier or even better without us doing things differently.

Even though I wandered, it didn’t make me give up on my dream to work at home while taking care of my two children. Have you ever imagined how our lives will be in the next 10 years, when our children grow up, whether our presence is enough to guide and teach them or have we succeeded in achieving the position we want.

Hi, here Ferena, Full-time Mom since almost 4 years ago, living in Germany with my husband and our two children, where I think being a full-time Mom is not as simple as it seems, because it is a lifetime Jo b.

I am used to working and even having 2 jobs at once to support my family before finally leaving, where my previous work background was in shipping and insurance, working more than 60 hours/week was not tiring for a bite of rice. Yep, being the backbone of the family is not easy. But I’m grateful, that’s why I grew up to be an independent person. As a woman, I try hard to find ways to get extra income while still taking care of the family, but I can work hand in hand to help my husband pay for household expenses, take the family on vacation and lighten the burden on my in-laws. When my 2nd child was 6 months old, the desire to work again became stronger, so I started looking for a part time job with flexible time, God is so good, one day I saw one of the ads about ‘’Business that can be done at home without disturbing top priority and can be done by employees/housewives even though at that time I was skeptical but that didn’t prevent me from finding out in detail about this business. In short story, I believe in what I choose because… after building this business, I grow and ‘’bear fruit’’ because I am consistent with my goals and dreams for the future.

No special background is needed, or certain abilities, be it employees/parents, we build this business from anywhere without disturbing our main work/business.

My Focus Goals:

1. When I retired at the age of 65, my job stopped there. But when I focus on building this digital business, I can give a legacy to my two children to continue this business.

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Second, proceed to the next step to get details about the overall business model.

Third, chat with me and don’t hesitate to ask further questions.

Have a blissful day.

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cocochannel00 · 3 years

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The Azoff Family: A Case Study on one of the Music Industry’s Most Connected Families

(ft. a breakdown of the Grammy voting process and problems)

This is very long so I will try and split it up into categories for everyone (sorry I got carried away- I spent like 2 hours writing this) but enjoy!

*Disclaimer: I want to preface while the majority of this is based in research, some parts may be speculation. I don’t know the family personally so I can’t tell you what goes on behind closed doors but I can tell you how parts of the entertainment/music industry work. I’ve had 5 internships in the industry (one in marketing at one of the big record labels) and the rest of my work is publicity (what I enjoy) and events and a former advisor used to run in the same circles as Irving Azoff (and he spilled some tea last year) I’m not out here to diminish the hard work of any artists or their teams, I’m simply here to showcase parts of the industry that aren’t always shown.*

Please also see: Story Time: How Fan Pages Directly Impact Columbia Records Decisions and Harry Styles Image

IRVING AZOFF: NEVER STOP THE GRIND

Let’s begin with the great business man himself Mr. Irving Azoff Irving Azoff is the literal posture child for connections and power in the music industry (he was also inducted into the 2020 rock and roll hall of fame class which is like a huge fucking deal for a manager to be inducted so you know he's the real deal)

In conclusion, I love Irving Azoff and his drive.

Irving Azoff: Early Years Run Down:

He came up middle class (dad was a pharmacist, mom a bookkeeper) in Danville, Illinois

He dropped out of college to run a small Midwestern concert-booking empire and managed local acts in the era

Opportunity came knocking and he got the chance to manage the Eagles and the rest is history

He's one of the best negotiators and has negotiated business on behalf of stars like Stevie Nicks, the Eagles, and Jimmy Buffet

Azoff has been an incredible manager and his drive to always advocate for his clients while basically not giving two sh*ts about what people think of him has gotten him the incredible reputation he has today.

All of Irving Azoff’s Major Job Positions:

Former President MCA (major label)

Former CEO of Ticketmaster and executive chairman of Live Nation Entertainment, the behemoth formed from Ticketmaster’s merger with Live Nation.

In 2013 he and Cablevision Systems Corp. CEO and New York Knicks owner James Dolan formed a partnership, Azoff MSG Entertainment (Currently still CEO)

----> Azoff also ran the Forum in Inglewood under Azoff MSG Entertainment after MSG purchased it in 2012 (it was sold in 2020 to the owner of the Clippers) — why do you think Harry played the forum for the Fine Line show? Azoff connection

Azoff MSG Entertainment encompasses all of the other companies including Full Stop Management, Global Music Rights (performance-rights org), and the Oak View Group (arena developing company)

He also is the co-founder and manager of the lobbying group Music Artists Coalition, a group that helps lobby for artists-rights issues such as royalty rates, copyright issue and healthcare insurance (see he's not all bad)

Essentially what I'm getting at is this man knows anybody who's anybody. He's the man you want on your team to help promote your music, plan your tour, and get you on that Grammy nom list.

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JEFFREY AZOFF: THE CHILD OF NEPOTISM

So for those of you that don't know, Jeffery Azoff is Harry's current manager and the son of Irving Azoff (the third of four kids). He's currently a partner at Full Stop Management, the company owned by Irving and the one artists such as Harry, Haim, the Eagles, Kings of Leon, and Meghan Trainer are signed to.

Jeffrey graduated from the University of Colorado's Leeds School of Business and started working fresh out of college at his father's old Management company (Frontline Management) working under Maroon 5's manager Jordan Feldstein (the only way you get that kind of internship/job as a 21 year old fresh out of college is if your family or family friends gives it to you). He worked here for 5 years.

Direct Quote from Irving Azoff to Jeffrey (really tells you a lot): "Listen carefully, because I’m going to say this one time. You have a phone and you have my last name. If you can’t figure it out, you’re not my son."

After working for his father, Jeffrey moved on to the talent agency CAA (Creative Artist Agency) where he worked for roughly 3 and half years before joining his dad in forming Full Stop Management in 2016.

While he was at CAA, Irving moved over clients like Christina Aguilera and the Eagles to the talent agency to help with tour booking instead of doing it internally through LiveNation (he was CEO).

Even though I'm sure Jeff has had to work somewhat hard to get to where he is (or at least to mess up his dad's work as he doesn't seem like the type to take laziness well), the door into the industry and every job was basically handed to him on a silver platter.

Not to mention if you watch episodes of keeping up with the kardashians (like myself) you can actually see Jeff hanging out with kendall and the rest of the fam at their Palm Springs house (you know you're a nepotism kid if you have an in with the Kardashian crew). Invite me next time Jeffrey!!!

Think of the Azoff's as the mafia family of the music industry, you don't mess with the mafia

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THE GRAMMY AWARDS: STUDENT COUNCIL ELECTIONS ON STEROIDS

Ok so here's where we’re going to get into a bit more of the speculation/grey area. I don't need to tell you that award shows are corrupt (See the Golden Globes Emily in Paris scandal) and the Grammys are not an exception. Think of the Grammys as one big student council/government elections where despite the fact the teachers tell you six times to vote for the best candidate, you're still going to vote for your friends even if they aren't the best.

A simplified break-down of Grammy voting:

1) Recording Academy voting members (artists, producers, musicians- anyone involved first hand with the creation of music; All voting members must have been producers, performers or engineers on six or more tracks of a commercially released album (or 12 or more digital tracks) and record labels will submit nominations in various categories to the grammys (songs need to be released commercially between October 1 of the previous year and September 30th of this year). You can also become a voting member by either winning a grammy or being endorsed by a current voting member (hint hint)

2) Once received, the recording academy with have the academy of trustees and its reviewers organize them and approve any changes to the 30 categories/fields (aka they can add new categories or remove old ones; so no best ukulele album of the year -- this is where things get funky)

There's speculation that during this stage when these special groups of 8-10 people are organizing genres, there's an "unwritten rule" that you need to be careful what album you green light (especially for famous artists) if you don't want them to win) (Rob Kenner said this- he used to be on one of these committees). Famous people tend to get more votes from clueless or lay Academy members that don't know the specialized categories or don't care enough to listen to songs that aren't radio trending.

3) After the nominations occur, Voting members begin their first voting. Members can vote for the four general categories of record of the year, album of the year, song of the year and best new artist and a maximum of 15 categories, all within their areas of expertise. Now the interesting thing is that while these are the guidelines there is literally nothing stopping them from voting in whatever categories they want (i.g. a rapper voting in the opera category despite not listening to opera). Theses ballots are all tallied and the top 20 entries are determined in each category (funky moment #2)

In 12 of the 84 categories those top 20 go to the ballot and it's done; for the rest it’s not like that. 59 categories including the big four go to a "nomination review committees" (identities are protected so they can't get lobbied... sure) who take a look at the top 20 and narrow it down to 7 or 8. (these are the special committees the Weekend talked about when he was snubbed). They're supposed to choose the nominees "based solely on the artistic and technical merits of the eligible recordings" which lets be real if that was the case Watermelon Sugar (along with most of the others in the category) I don't think would have been nomimated as they are very generic pop (none of them are special... sorry to the WM lovers out there).

This committee is basically held to THE HONOR CODE SYSTEM... I mean tell me when the last time the honor code system worked in literally any scenario (literally wtf). Don't take my word for it though the former CEO of the Academy Deborah Dugan (a queen) filed a complaint against the Recording Academy basically claiming that the nomination review process was rigged (she was fired after 5 months on the job).

Quote from Deborah Dugan "Members of the board [of trustees] and the secret committees chose artists with whom they have personal or business relationships... It is not unusual for artists who have relationships with Board members and who ranked at the bottom of the initial 20-artist list to end up receiving nominations."

These review committees can also exploit there power by adding up to two nominees that don't appear on the top 20 list to the final voting ballot (except in the 4 big categories - which watermelon sugar that one wasn't nominated for)

They also have craft committees for like non performance stuff (like album notes, engineering and arranging) that don't even get voted on by the academy voting members

4) After all of that fucked up mess, the grammy's decided is ok, the ballots go back to the voting members for the final vote. Deloitte (an accounting firm) then counts all of them, seals them in envelopes, and delivers them to the Grammy award show.

** The Grammy's just announced this year they're removing the "secret committees" so let's see how things shift in the next couple of years**

So obviously I'm not saying this to discredit Harry's nomination or his win as Fine Line was in the US top 20 albums for the majority of 2020, however, we must acknowledge privilege. Harry has a big name to him and a huge following, and while all of that shouldn't be taken into account, it does. He also has the Azoffs, a very well connected family with friends in lots of places that would be able to put in a good word here and there to get support behind Harry. Harry won best pop solo performance for Watermelon Sugar in a category with Doja Cat, Justin Bieber, Billie Eilish, Taylor Swift, and Dua Lipa. Look at the names there, the songs (ya'll can try and remember them cause I'm too lazy to write it out) and tell me that those top names with all of the music produced didn't get there through some connections.

Do with all this information what you will and if you are interested in learning more about the entertainment industry on your own Endeavor (owners of WME, a big talent agency like CAA) is hosting a free online program called the Excellence Program to help guide the future generation of industry executives. The program is a-synchronous and starts on July 12th. Highly recommend giving it a go if you're interested!!!

Alright ya'll that's it. Feel free to message me with your thoughts!

Extra Sources if you'd like to read:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/pkdndn/how-grammys-voting-actually-works-and-where-the-alleged-corruption-lies

https://www.grammy.com/grammys/awards/voting-process

https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/music/story/2020-11-05/irving-azoff-eagles-manager

https://celebrityaccess.com/caarchive/jeffrey-azoff-exits-caa-to-launch-new-management-company/

https://www.rollingstone.com/pro/features/grammy-awards-secret-committees-945532/

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/grammy-awards-eliminate-secret-committees-voting-changes-1163887/

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soobadnoonecanstopher · 3 years

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Touch it for Real, Part 9

Genre: Humor / Fluff / Angst / (Eventual) Smut 18+

Warnings: OMG they were roommates / slice of life / slow burn / mutual pining / crude humor / cursing / virgin!baek / idiots to lovers / unresolved sexual tension

Characters: Baekhyun X You/Female Reader

Description: You teach Baekhyun how to date. (Basically the Get You Alone M/V)

A/N: DO NOT YELL AT ME! It is going to be okay.

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5 , Part 6 , Part 7 , Part 8 , Part 9 , Part 10

You had a secret.

For such an abstract and shapeless thing you could sure feel it sitting in there.

It was pulsing.

Your secret felt like a splinter lodged just under a single taste bud that sat in the center of your tongue. You could feel your white blood cells attacking it, trying their best to push it up and push it out, but still it clung tight with its sharp barbs lodged within your cell walls. You brushed your tongue against your teeth.

The secret did not budge.

What you knew about them though, was that secrets did not like to stay hidden forever.

Your fork slipped and clanked noisily against the ceramic plate and the bright orange carrot ball rolled across the smooth white surface nearly sliding over the edge onto the white linen. Whoever decided that your steamed vegetables needed to be shaped into spheres simply for aesthetics should be forced to come out here and explain how you were supposed to spear one of these things while also avoiding the risk of it shooting across the table and hitting your date in the face.

Ben turned out to be very nice. If you were into tall, handsome, clean-looking, and responsible guys who drove their own cars and also had things like health insurance and retirement plans. When you first saw him, you were struck by the firmness you felt when he shook your hand and smiled brightly at you. He had all of his teeth and a head full of hair. He was definitely walking around on his real legs too. He looked like the kind of guy who didn’t let the clean laundry sit in the dryer for longer than a day and changed out his toothbrush every three months. You couldn't see a single fault.

You were trying your best to make a good first impression.

Really, you were.

Well, while also keeping an eye on Baekhyun who sat beside you with his focus down on his plate as he sliced his food into bite sized bits. His control of the fork and knife felt so careful and so exacting, it neared obsession. He had not ordered the steamed vegetables. None of his food rolled.

Across from him, looking just as cute in person as her online dating profile pictures conveyed, was Mia.

Mia was fine.

She was fine.

You didn't want to get into it.

Her clothes were fine. They were exactly the kinds of clothes you had expected she would wear.

Her hair was fine.

She actually had a hairstyle that reminded you of one of the characters in an anime you watched with Baekhyun once and you wondered about the upkeep costs of that particular shade of blue that streaked through her hair. You wondered if she had to switch to blue towels and blue pillow cases or if everything in her house was just stained forever.

Baekhyun’s cheeks blushed when he shook her hand and his smile was bashful, if not a bit tight when she complimented his glasses. Your mind briefly considered the plush, expensive white towels you both owned at home and a flash of horror overcame you for a split second when you imagined those towels streaked with a blue stain from the shower.

He bought those glasses at a store. Anyone can go to the store and buy glasses. Did such a superficial compliment really warrant such a deep shade of pink on his cheeks?

You took a sip of your glass of wine and the sweet, cool liquid had a tart aftertaste that lingered on your taste buds long after you swallowed and you stabbed roughly at the runaway carrot again, impaling it with the prongs of your fork.

Finally.

“I got it,” you said out loud to yourself with a wide smile and you held your prize up in front of your face for a second. Long enough for your eyes to drift across your table to meet Ben’s and you caught the soft amused chuckle that puffed from his nose.

You’d already gotten through the backstory. Starting with the curious question from Mia about how you and Baekhyun got to know each other and you took a quick glance toward Ben as Baekhyun explained that you and he had been roommates for a couple of years. You caught the slight smile on Ben’s lips as he looked down into his water glass and you wondered if he was pleased that he already knew the answer to this question as you had been quick to tell him this important detail about your life as you chatted with him during the last week or so.

Mia on the other hand simply let her eyes drift over from Baekhyun’s face to land on yours for a moment and you offered a disarming smile by way of explanation. Not that either of you had any explaining to do. You could live with whoever you wanted to live with. It took her ten seconds to return your smile, although you didn't quite believe it, or believe that she was done with her curiosities about this topic.

You couldn't really blame her although you’d given her nothing to be suspicious about. Not in the last 20 minutes since you’d all arrived and nibbled on shared appetizers, at least.

Hell, you hadn’t even touched him all day. From before you both arrived at this fancy restaurant and just relinquished your coats to some stranger simply because she held a hand out and sported a severe enough hairdo and manic look in her eyes that was too frightening to question. From the morning when you woke up and wandered into your kitchen to make toast for one and you ignored the sound of his feet shuffling in, half-asleep to grab a yogurt from the fridge. You hadn’t even helped him style his hair; which looked stunning, by the way, with the waves and the faded brown color that absolutely looked like something the perfect boyfriend would let you play with as he laid on your lap. He hadn’t even asked for your help picking out his outfit. He’d simply done it all on his own and waited for you by the front door wearing those jeans and smelling like that familiar scent that he bought for your date with him weeks back.

When had this all become so awkward? You’d never been afraid to touch Baekhyun before but now, well, the touches hadn’t ever concealed quite so much meaning before.

By the time the entrees arrived the conversations had moved on to hobbies and interests.

Ben was a movie buff, and his favorites were mostly mainstream blockbusters of the Marvel Superhero variety. He enjoyed many of the genres of films you’d mostly seen just the previews of. His top ten contained a bit more horror than you were comfortable with. One in particular, a prolific film based on a Steven King novel, had been the kind of psychologically terrifying film that made your chest rattle and you had spent most of the second half of that movie with your face buried in Baekhyun’s arm begging him to just describe to you what was happening and to tell you when the scary parts were over.

When he asked you what your favorite movie was you hesitated for a moment before pulling the movie Forrest Gump out of basically thin air. Yes you had enjoyed the movie. Yes it was something you’d seen more than once and if it was on television right now you would sit down and watch it from start to finish and you would enjoy it. It was a respectable favorite to have. It was the kind of favorite movie you would not be embarrassed to show to your grandmother.

But it wasn’t actually your favorite and you could feel the burden of Baekhyun’s eyes as he turned his head to look at your face when you said it.

Something about naming, out loud with your own lips — the light and fun, mindless guilty pleasure of the film that was actually your favorite movie that you’d watched hundreds of times and returned to watch again and again every time you felt even a little bit upset; something about saying it out loud to this table of people with countless of hours of media consumption under their belts and opinions about things like prolific directors, production companies, hefty CGI budgets, and overused, tired tropes that absolutely should be dropped in 2021, well it just felt too vulnerable for you to say out loud.

You swallowed a sip of your wine and refused to turn your head to look at Baekhyun until you heard the sound of his throat swallowing the ice water he sipped.

When Mia changed the topic to Anime you felt Baekhyun come alive beside you and Ben slinked back in his seat a little as the two of them got to talking about something that was highly anticipated and was slated to be released next year. Rumors about artists and directors with names you could not know flew easily from their lips and Mia mentioned the name of one previous work that you recognized.

In fact you had watched the entire thing last year with Baekhyun and you remembered talking excitedly about it with Mia during one of your early text conversations.

Your face lit up and you happily joined in, excited to finally know what in the world they were talking about when you accidentally let something slip when you reminded her of what she had said about the anime before. Luckily you stopped yourself before you could admit that you had actually been the one she had been chatting with at the time.

Still, she caught it. She was very quick and sharp and you watched her face as she registered that you’d referenced something that only Baekhyun should know about. Had you just fucked up?

“Ahh, we,” you raised your index finger and waved it lightly toward where Baekhyun had stiffened up in his seat beside you, “he told me about what you said.”

There was a moment when her eyes widened and she looked at Baekhyun briefly before returning her focus to you.

“He...told you about me?” She lifted a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, straightened her back and leaned forward with her forearms rested in front of her plate on the table. Her off-the-shoulders number dipped when she leaned in and you caught a bit of black lace and the bunch up of her impressive bosom.

She smiled a coy smile aimed across the table.

You followed the smile and your eyes reached Baekhyun. He’d been hit with the smile and had been too stunned to return it. Instead, he lifted a hand and rubbed it over the back of his neck twice before reaching the same hand forward to grab the ice water he’d been sipping all night as he pulled in a mouthful and puffed his cheeks before covering his lips with his flattened palm and swallowing noisily.

“I also mentioned you to my friend,” Mia said not quietly enough for it to be just for him and you dropped your eyes down to the half finished chicken on your plate.

She was fine. Mia was fine. She’d done absolutely nothing wrong. She was nice and she was probably a good person, but you kind of wanted her to die.

“So,” Ben interjected suddenly and you looked across the table at him as you tried to conceal the surprise on your face to find him sitting there.

You noticed he was done with his food and his plate had already been cleared away by the super attentive waitstaff.

The negligence of your own date weighed heavily on you and you angled your chest forward to face him directly for whatever questions he had for you.

He was pointing toward Baekhyun and Mia with his extended finger and raised eyebrows.

“You two work in computers?” It was a work question. He’d gathered this much from the brief introductions everyone had given and while you had failed to offer any insight as to what you did for a living, Baekhyun and Mia had both mentioned computers.

“He’s a software engineer, and I’m a programmer. Similar but not the same,” Mia explained. You weren't sure of any of the details or of how they were different. You hadn’t really put much thought into it. You knew Baekhyun worked the magic with the keyboard and could fix anything that you happened to break.

“I’m in advertising. Just got scouted by Comma Entertainment and I’ve accepted.” Ben had a hand raised to his chest and his eyebrows were up. This seemed important to him and you let your lips form into an impressed O shape as you raised your eyebrows. His tone and the way he said the name of his new employer seemed to warrant the excited reaction.

You weren't familiar at all with his industry but you knew how to react like you knew what he was talking about. He certainly seemed impressed by himself. Who were you to discourage his enthusiasm.

“You’ve heard of it?” You sold it too well. Baekhyun had leaned close to you and whispered an aside question and you shot him a tense look with your eyes as a warning, but you quickly pushed your smile wide for Ben who was, deservedly, very excited about his new position.

“Of course, who doesn’t know Comma for advertising. That’s a very big deal. Is that why you were so busy last week? We hardly got to talk.”

Your subject change was so slick. If you hadn’t been the one to do it, you’d have been impressed by it. The disappointed pout on your face sold it well.

“Actually I was at the bank a lot last week. It was so weird. I had a few accounts that seemed to be hacked but then it turned out to be nothing. Had to change all my passwords though, so that was annoying.”

“That sucks. They didn't take anything did they?” Mia spoke up from beside Ben; concern written all over her face.

“No. Whoever did it just seemed to access purchase histories mostly. Some loser of a hacker. Didn't even get any money.” Ben’s lips pulled wide and he was laughing with his head thrown back at his perceived victory over the hacker that had been messing around in his bank records.

“You can learn a remarkable amount of information about a person’s bad habits from their bank history, Ben. Sure utilities and rent; that’s boring. You can find out how often someone gets hammered at bars. How many of those bars are also strip clubs. How many maxed out credit cards they make minimum payments on each month just to keep their head above water. Their gambling losses and the motel rooms they book in the bad part of town…”

Baekhyun was speaking up beside you. You turned and you looked at his profile as he spoke so candidly and with what you could only describe as a certain smugness on his voice.

The only reason he’d stopped talking was to catch his breath. It was the most he had spoken all night and you honestly felt taken aback by the suddenness of his words and more, the topic he spoke on. It felt weirdly pointed. It just felt so detailed; almost accusatory.

“What?” You hissed the question; focused it hard and as under your breath as possible to the man seated beside you.

His lips closed up before his eyes turned to look at you and you caught a quick blink of his eyes that preceded a softening of his features that had no business looking that confrontational in the first place.

“I’m not saying any of that stuff applies to Ben.” Baekhyun lifted a slim dismissive hand to wave toward your date. “It’s just an example. For all we know Ben’s only weakness is eating fried chicken every day.”

Ben’s lips were pulled into a thin line on his face and his jaw unclenched when you looked back at him. Then he was smiling at you and it was bright and convincing. You smiled back at him and shook your head at your wacky roommate’s antics.

“Actually it’s pizza. You caught me buddy, I’m a hardcore pizza addict. Every night.”

“Well, not tonight.” Baekhyun shrugged with an odd smile landing on his lips.

Ben’s tight smile flattened and the two men seemed to be staring at each other for longer than you thought was polite for a shared first double-date.

“So what is it that you do?” It was Mia who ultimately broke the tension and you looked across the table into her eyes. She had a pleasant smile on her face and was still chewing on a piece of bread, clearly unbothered by the strange standoff that had just been going on between the two men at this table.

Surely you weren't the only one to notice how odd it had been. Had you just imagined the tightness in Baekhyun’s fist that laid over his thigh and the hard glare in Ben’s eyes?

With Mia’s question though, you felt your own lips pull closed and your eyes danced around the table to the other curious parties who also were now looking at you to answer the question.

You’d prepared well for this date. You’d made sure Baekhyun had the detailed first date topics, questions and answers for perfect small talk, even the section on table etiquette. You’d made sure he knew you’d be here to steer the conversations toward topics he was comfortable discussing and you’d even set up a safety signal he would use if he wanted to bail and just go home.

You’d planned it all out, down to the detailed progression of the evening and how at the end someone might even suggest going together for drinks. And should one of the dates wish to split off, it would be completely okay as long as the corresponding person felt comfortable. You’d even promised that under no circumstances would you abandon Baekhyun to do this on his own if he didn't want to. Not even at the behest of Ben, your date.

They were looking at you and you'd gone quiet. You’d been so busy preparing for this date that it never occurred to you that you were also actively involved and that someone might possibly ask a question about you and your work.

Your work. Well…

“Uhh...I don't really do anything worth mentioning.”

You felt it. It was a warmth that had pooled in the skin around your nose. Your cheeks felt warm and you felt just insignificant enough for it to take your undeserved confidence and throw it out the window.

Ben and Mia were watching you. You pulled your bottom lip in between your teeth and bit down on the dry chapped skin on the surface.

“Nothing?” Ben said and his eyes were wide with a look of confusion on his face.

“Well, not nothing.” You were not completely unemployed. You had been quite impressive before. You’d been working with the best publicists of an entertainment company and had been in charge of crafting and perfecting the asset sheets of many of your company's highest profile artists. You’d been the best at it and at one time had been highly sought out for your expertise. You had a way with it. You could work some real magic. You could make a dud of a raw potato sound like a five star course in a Michelin star restaurant. Losing your position in the spring of 2020 had really been a huge blow to your confidence. You looked back at how far you had fallen. Boring data entry jobs to make ends meet. Taking on weird side gigs so you could afford tiny luxuries like your favorite scented lotion or the name brand tampons instead of the store brand.

“I do have a job.” You added lamely. “It’s just not at all interesting.”

Ben dropped his eyes from yours and Mia shrugged her shoulders and stabbed a carrot ball expertly on the first try.

“Yeah but what is it?” Mia said as she chewed daintily. The heat in your cheeks spread and you let your eyes wander away from hers over the various dinner items that covered this table.

Beside you, Baekhyun’s movement caught your eye and you turned to see him place an elbow on the table in front of him and he leaned forward.

“She’s a dating coach. She’s really good at it, but much too modest when she talks about herself.”

Oh no. He wasn't about to spill the beans was he? This was definitely not something in the approved list of first date dinner topics. Wasn't this topic too incriminating? Wouldn't Mia put two and two together and figure out that you had been coaching Baekhyun all along? Also, wasn't this new profession of yours too brand new to start talking about so freely like this? What the hell was he doing?

“A dating coach? What’s that?”

Strangely, Mia didn't seem to be looking at Baekhyun with wheels turning and sirens blaring. She was looking at you with her mouth empty and hung open with a look of genuine interest in her eyes.

“Do you like, feed them what to say in an earpiece?” Ben was speaking up from the other side of Mia and you laughed at the absurdity of such a silly rom-com movie cliche.

“Well no. I’m not a pickup artist. I am a dating coach. Think about it like a sports coach. I am teaching my clients the skills to play the game. Skills to overcome dating anxiety, or I’m teaching them to identity and move away from self-sabotaging behaviors, limiting beliefs, or preconceptions that are detrimental to a healthy relationship.

I have clients that don't even know where to begin. My goal is to strategize with them and place them effectively within the dating scene so they stand the best chance. It’s incredibly hard to be objective about your own love life, but I provide an outside viewpoint. I step in and intervene when I see something that isn't in line with their relationship goals or the vision they have for dating.

I’m not teaching manipulation or just telling them what to say. There are no love spells to make someone fall in love with you. I’m changing the way they believe in themselves so they can present themselves to someone else in the absolute best way to begin a real relationship with someone.”

You’d been leaning in as you spoke animatedly with your hands. You felt the genuine excitement building with your words. You were surprised at how much of your previous profession’s language applied to this new exciting endeavor you were embarking on, but there really were tons of overlapping similarities between the two fields. The explanations just poured out of you.

You hadn’t said any of this out loud before to anyone but the more you talked about it, the more elated you felt about what you were doing with your life. With how much you had been helping Baekhyun and how much progress you had seen in just one day of helping your clients — Baekhyun’s friends Minseok and Sehun. Sehun had finally, finally sent you his first selfie that wasn’t taken from his lap after you’d sent him many examples of good selfies taken from different angles. Minseok was already halfway through the materials you’d sent him to study and had been working hard on identifying and changing the self-defeating language he’d used in his rough draft dating profile.

“She has an app.” Baekhyun piped up from beside you. He’d leaned back in his chair as you spoke.

Both Ben and Mia’s faces mirrored each other’s. Their eyes were wide and their mouths hung in amazement and you quickly closed up your own mouth and grabbed anxiously at your wine glass, feeling a little bit embarrassed about having talked so much. You couldn't resist the chance to smash their misconceptions about what your goals actually were with helping your clients. None of these people were unlovable. They were all worthy of finding someone and you were going to give it your all to help them see their own value.

“Not at all interesting?” Mia spoke up, “that’s super interesting. That’s really, really cool. Can—Can I have your contact info? I have a friend that would be interested in your services.”

“You have an app too? This is something we could advertise online. It would do extremely well on certain kinds of reddit forums and definitely in most online gaming communities.” Even Ben sounded excited, if not a bit overly judgmental, and you heard a quiet, but hostile scoff next to you.

You ticked your head toward the sound but did not turn to look at him. You knew that scoff well enough to hear the annoyance in his voice at whatever he thought Ben might be insinuating about online gamers and the connection to the incels that haunted the forums of reddit.

“I think it’s a bit premature to think about online advertising. I’m still only one person.”

Ben smiled and shrugged off your quick dismissal of his idea to partner up and advertise your business to the desperately lonely and pathetic gamers of the world. Hell, the more you thought about it, the less inappropriate Baekhyun’s annoyance was. Ben could use some coaching on choosing less insulting words.

Thankfully the dinner was over and the check had been taken care of. You looked away from the palpable awkwardness that slapped you across the face when Baekhyun waved away Ben’s card and paid for the entire bill with his own.

“You can get me next time, buddy.” He definitely said this word sarcastically. It was out of line and you simply could not find the right moment to pinch his leg under the table to get him to behave himself in a discrete enough way that would not get you caught by the other two people at this table.

You let it slide simply because you had no way to stop it. He was ignoring the way you waved your finger frantically at him down by your calf. You knew he could see you in his peripherals.

No, Baekhyun. Stop that. Be nice. Your hand was saying. He wouldn't even look at it.

The dinner was over and the movie was starting soon. You’d picked a restaurant that was close enough to the theatre that you could walk.

You paired off. It was far from natural. You actually caught Baekhyun’s eyes as you stepped quickly and walked ahead of him, falling into step beside Ben and you left behind Baekhyun and Mia to bring up the rear. It took every ounce of self control not to turn around and look behind you to see how closely they walked to each other. To see if Baekhyun kept his hands shoved securely in his pockets or if he swung his arms at his side as he walked, inching a hand closer and closer to Mia’s swinging hand in the hopes of a back of the hand brush of his warm skin against hers.

Your steps must have stalled. You’d reached the theatre and you looked up to locate Ben, only to find him at the box office purchasing four tickets for the movie you’d all agreed to watch days ago. For the life of you, you couldn't remember what you were seeing. You merely followed where you were led and found yourself seated in a center row of a movie house sandwiched between Ben and Baekhyun. You noticed the center armrests had been lifted when you arrived and simply did not bother to lower them since everyone was too full from dinner for any movie snacks or drinks.

The house was mostly empty and then lights dimmed as the movie began. You searched your brain and nearly pulled out your phone to check your chat logs for the name of the film but decided against shining a tiny bright light in a dark room.

The movie began and you were quickly drawn into the narrative. It was a dark film and as the soundtrack began to take on more sinister sounding tones you recognized that your heart was racing and you were feeling the tension all over your body. It was not a gorey horror film, but it was leaning more toward the psychological suspense thriller genre. Not really something you watched much of.

To your left, Ben sat completely still; focused only on the movie screen. He looked so calm and nearly unaffected by the terrifying things happening on the screen. He occasionally shifted in his seat but did not react to the jump scare that flashed before your eyes and made you flinch hard in your seat. You’d reached the point in the film when the main characters were in genuine danger and you began to wonder if anyone would make it out of this movie alive. Was this one of those films where everyone was doomed?

It happened again, another jump, another loud shocking sound and another noise startled you and you dove to your right, hiding your face in the warm shoulder of the man sitting beside you.

The realization was instantaneous. The second you felt the warmth of his arm, and the smell of him hit your nose, you pulled your head up and you straightened out your spine, mumbling a quiet apology to Baekhyun for using his arm to hide behind as you removed any and all contact points you had with his body. You angled your hips and your knees away from him and even went so far as to stick your hands well under your own thighs and keep them there so you didn't grab for him again. You had been doing so well by not touching him at all today. Why did it have to be a scary movie?

Things grew more frantic on the screen. You held your breath and tried your best to keep from reacting as much as you could. How long was this movie? How much longer did you have to endure this? You should have paid more attention to the details of this part of the date. This was your own fault. You were acting like a big baby because you couldn't handle a little frightening scenes in a movie.

It was coming again. You could feel it building. You closed your eyes and terrible sounds were erupting all over. You would just not look. You could make it through if you just didn't look. With your eyes closed the sounds felt louder than ever and when you thought you couldn't take it anymore you considered committing the enormous sin of getting up during the climax of the movie to use the bathroom just so you didn't have to sit through this anymore.

There was a shift beside you then. You felt warm fingers inching down your forearm, traveling the path your hand took that led below your thigh and someone was reaching for your hand and pulling it out from where you’d been sitting on it. Someone to your right was gripping your hand with his own warm hand and you opened your eyes to look down between the hidden space between your hip and Baekhyun’s hip. There, you saw the grip of his hand that wrapped securely around yours.

He squeezed down once and you followed the length of him up to catch a glimpse of the side of his face. He was looking up at the screen. His eyes were open and he did not flinch at all. He was so still aside from the occasional movement of his lips when he moistened them with his tongue.

You could handle this if he lent you a little bit of his strength like this. Your eyes returned to the screen but your mind wandered back down to the secure comfort you felt in his hand.

You felt your own secret throb.

It made you flinch just a little bit and Baekhyun’s hand shifted then. He moved, lifting the tight grip for a moment and you wondered if he was done, would he take his hand back and leave you cold and afraid again? The lift was for the shift of his fingers and you felt the push of each digit between yours. He pushed his fingers between yours; interlocking your hands together with his and his thumb moved lightly over your own thumb, brushing comforting strokes again and again through the loud and scary and shocking scenes that played over that screen.

This time the racing you felt in your chest had nothing to do with the scary movie. He was touching you. He was holding your hand in secret. It felt forbidden with his date sitting right beside him like she was and with your date seated right beside you like he was. All of your attention was down on the slow pressure you felt from his thumb as it traced the shape of your own thumb down from the very bottom up to the tip, around again. The simple up and down had a slow and sensual rhythm to it. When he lifted his hand his thumb moved and you held your breath to feel that same very slow touching trace the outline of the palm of your hand again and again. He drew absentminded shapes into your skin with the pointed tip of his thumb and your eyes drifted closed as the longing grew within you. He followed the paths of the creases in your skin like a palm reader. He did not even need light to see them, he simply felt them and traced along the paths.

You let him.

You felt bewitched.

You loved him.

The credits rolled on the screen and the lights switched on. The change was abrupt. You were taken by surprise and shocked by it like you were from the jump scares in the film.

His warmth left you. His wandering light touch, his deliberate and careful exploration of the lines that made up the palm of your hand vanished.

Everyone was standing and everyone was walking out of the theatre house and your mind felt clouded and dazed but you followed where their steps led and you found yourself standing outside of the exit doors with the three other people who you entered with.

Baekhyun stood beside Mia and Ben occupied the space of the sidewalk square that you also stood inside.

It was the end of a night. You felt an overwhelming urge for this evening to be done so you could go home and shower and maybe eat something sweet and distracting and maybe made out of chocolate.

“Well this was fun,” it was your own voice that ultimately called it.

Mia had been looking at Baekhyun who had been looking down at his own feet as he lightly tapped his foot on the concrete below. Three taps.

Tap, tap, tap.

You felt a jolt of realization. Baekhyun had just tapped his foot thrice on the floor below him well within your sight and you recognized what that meant. He was feeling done. He was done with all of this exhausting socializing and being out in public with so many people around and he wanted to go home now. This was him asking you for help now as he wasn't sure how to end the date but wanted it to be over.

“What about...grabbing some drinks, maybe...” Mia was talking only to Baekhyun as she looked at him, “if you aren't too tired.”

“Hey Baek, isn’t your grandmother coming over early tomorrow? Do you still have to get ready for that?” You interjected suddenly and Baekhyun looked up into your face with his mouth open and you watched his eyes move slowly over your face as he recognized what you were doing. You were giving him an out. Mia had asked him to go for drinks and you were giving him an excuse, should he need it.

You both knew his grandma came every other Sunday. You both vividly remembered the wonderful visit you had at the beginning of the week with her and she wasn’t due to arrive again until next Sunday.

He could simply correct you if he really did want to go with her. He could call you a dummy and tell you that you had the wrong week again and playfully tap you on the head to jog your brain back into functioning the right way as he often did when you got something mixed up.

“Oh, yeah she is,” Baekhyun grabbed your convenient reminder from the air and smiled a rueful smile directed at Mia. His smile widened with the wince on his face, “that’s too bad.” He added and Mia took it well.

She smiled and nodded her head and there were well wishes for a safe trip home all around as you all parted ways.

Ben said he would text you later. Baekhyun told Mia the same and you waited until they both walked away to follow Baekhyun back to his car for the quiet ride home.

The silence was heavy, but it was comfortable.

Baekhyun didn't speak at all and you could tell by the way he carried himself that he was tired. He wasn’t normally an extroverted person and found it very draining to carry on a full conversation with friends he knew well. Strangers like he had been with tonight, well, you could see the fatigue in his movements and you knew he needed something warm to drink and maybe some comfort with a familiar favorite tv show to zone out in front of.

You handled it better. You were used to having to go out of your home occasionally and you even enjoyed socializing with your coworkers on the few days you went in to the office for work. You felt a bit drained but mostly you were preoccupied with watching how he was handling it and you were also burning with curiosity to know how Baekhyun felt about the whole thing.

He’d wandered into the living room and he found the sofa. You followed him close behind and grabbed the remote, flipping to a familiar and funny cartoon that you often saw him playing in the background as he worked on things. He didn't usually watch it that closely but it was comforting enough to stay on and keep his mind occupied for a while.

You didn't speak. Everything you had to ask him could wait. Even the scolding you had for him about how he acted toward Ben could also wait. You’d let the man breathe a little first.

You busied yourself in the kitchen making two cups of hot tea and when you returned you found his head leaning against the back of the couch with his eyes still glued to the screen. He had a passive smile on his face and he reacted positively to the wacky scenarios the characters found themselves in. He would occasionally speak out loud, speaking along with a funny line he knew by heart and you found it impossible to resist saying the follow up joke. You knew this show as well as he did.

He accepted the tea with a smile and had a few sips and you set your mug on the coffee table in favorable of the comfortable side of the sofa, the side with the pillows that allowed you to rest your head comfortably as you watched the big tv.

You were feeling pretty good. Baekhyun had now officially gone on his first date with a real girl who wasn’t you and he’d had a nice time. You could see from where you laid your head down how relaxed his face was as he giggled at the show.

You stretched and you felt his warm thigh with your foot. This sofa was long enough for you to stretch out completely and you only barely reached where he sat at the other side. You wiggled your toes, unable to resist the light messing with him that you often gave in to and his hand reached down to grab ahold of your foot, which he held in place as he paid attention to the tv.

Your phone buzzed in your pocket and you sat up a little bit to pull it out.

You saw a text message from Ben.

From the preview you got the idea of what kind of text message the man would be sending you an hour after your first, and apparently your last date with him.

-Hey you seem like a super cool girl, but...

The preview showed you enough to know that he was dumping you before you’d even gotten anything started with him.

You opened the text. Your curiosity outweighed your sense of self preservation.

-...but whatever’s going on between you and your roommate, well it doesn’t really seem like there’s much room for me. I just don't think I can start something knowing I’ve already lost. Thanks for inviting me tonight. The movie was fun. Good luck with everything. - Ben

You felt the sting.

You couldn't help it. You’d spent all evening watching Baekhyun interact with Mia with every ounce of your self control devoted to not letting your jealousy show at all. At one point you’d been so damn engrossed in them that you forgot Ben was even there. What an unfair and shitty situation to have put him in. You quickly keyed out an apology for your crappy date etiquette and thanked him for going out with you tonight.

You couldn't even blame him for anything. He had been sweet and he had tried his best to be the perfect gentleman. What had you expected?

You sent the last message you would ever send to Ben and tossed your phone roughly toward the coffee table. It bounced but landed in the middle.

The racket called Baekhyun’s attention and he turned to look at you with his eyebrows raised in question.

“Ben just rejected me.”

Somehow saying this out loud to Baekhyun felt better than hiding it from him. It felt less miserable than keeping it inside of yourself and letting yourself suffer the sting of the rejection alone.

Baekhyun’s lips pulled into a small frown and he took out his cell phone from his pocket and tossed it roughly on the coffee table beside yours. It took a similar bounce and your eyes widened in surprise at the sudden gesture.

“No way, not Mia too,” you said in genuine fear and Baekhyun shook his head with his shrug still well in place.

“Nah, I just can't lay down with my phone in my pocket,” he said as he wiggled on the sofa trying to get comfortable, “though in hindsight I can see how you would think that, sorry. Mia hasn’t texted yet.”

He was wiggling, finding no comfort in all the positions he tried and you caught his wandering eyes for a second as you lightly tapped a hand over your belly.

This…

This would be fine. This was something you both did sometimes. Baekhyun said your belly was warm and comfy and made the best noises and he liked to use you as a pillow when he was just too tired to go to his own bed.

He moved right away at your invitation and you let your legs part around his chest as he laid his head down right on top of you. He turned his head to face the tv and didn't even squirm too much before he sighed out loud. His arms laid on either side of your waist and you felt the constriction as he lightly squeezed around you.

You really hadn’t gotten to touch him all day. Your fingers found their way into his hair and you felt a low moan from the back of his throat travel though your body as you raked your nails down the back of his head to his nape.

“Peanut,” you said softly, feeling every little bit of the annoying little tickle of that stupid secret sitting inside of you.

You could feel the heaviness of his body as he gave in and relaxed his muscles on you. You felt every breath he took and they seemed to be changing as you played with his hair and he gave in to the relaxing comfort you offered him.

“Hmm?” He replied after a long while. You angled your face and could see that his eyes were closed.

“How was the date? Was it nice?”

You had so many hopes for him. You were trying your best to ignore the pangs of your own selfish jealousy and get past it all to get to something good for him. Something that would make him understand how incredible he was. How beautiful he was inside and out and how precious of a human being he was.

“Mhmm, I liked it.” He said softly and he shifted and you felt him tighten his hold around your waist briefly before he relaxed again.

“Did you really? Do you think you liked Mia?” You kept your voice strong. You did not allow your fears to overcome your voice. You were okay with this if he was okay.

He did not answer right away. You’d stopped playing with his hair and you kept your hand rested over his head. He was so warm. He was so lovely.

“Do you want me to like Mia?”

No.

Mia would be so good to him.

You did not answer. Your answer would have been no. It would have been selfish. You’d just been dumped by your date, how dare his date have gone so well. You’d both been on the same date. You could still see the way she looked at him. She found him just as lovely as you did.

You felt a thickness at the back of your throat and you swallowed it down.

“I’m trying, Bug. She’s very nice to talk to. Do you think I should like her?”

Was this because of his mistrust of people? Was this his shyness about letting someone he didn't know very well in close?

You couldn't respond. You did not trust yourself to do the right thing.

“You should go rest if you’re sleepy,” you said, you know, like a coward.

It took him a few minutes of laying on top of you before he realized that you were right and he would be much more comfortable in his own bed. He nodded and pushed up with his arms, and his eyes stayed closed and his head stayed hung down as his feet shuffled and he made his way into his bedroom, leaving his door open you merely heard the loud sound of him plopping down on his bed.

You were stuck where he left you.

Stuck in about as crappy a mood as you’d ever found yourself.

You hated everything about this. You hated how much you loved him and you hated how receptive he was to the idea of dating Mia. You hated how she looked at him and giggled at his small jokes and you hated HATED the way his cheeks blushed and the shy smiles he gave her when she talked to him.

You laid there and you stewed in your mood for longer than was good for you and the only thing that made your it up was the simultaneous buzzing that brought both of your cell phones to life on the coffee table.

You reached for yours. It’s as your dating coach app. Baekhyun had received a new message from Mia. The feelings that surged through you were taking over your sense of what was good and what was right and what was proper behavior for someone like you to participate in.

You swiped to read the message.

-Hi Baekhyun. Sorry I couldn't wait until tomorrow to text you. I had an amazing time tonight and I was wondering if you would like to meet up tomorrow after your Grandmother’s visit for coffee? I have something I’d like to ask you.

You felt as if your body was on fire.

You could feel it deep inside your chest, deeper still inside your belly where his head had been resting moments before. You felt it in the palm of your hand where his thumb had traced the patterns of lines there. You felt it in your lips that he had kissed and in your tongue ached inside of your mouth from your stupid secret.

You reached for your phone. You opened the app for the power he’d given only to you and you responded to her message as if you were Baekhyun.

-Hi, Yeah, that sounds fine. I’ll meet you at 1pm.

Your hands moved on their own. You moved to the internal commands of your app and you deleted both of the messages from the chat history. When you picked up his phone you saw the notification for Mia’s message vanish before your eyes and when you unlocked it and accessed his chat log, there was no sign of the unimaginable and unforgivable sin you had just committed against him.

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5 , Part 6 , Part 7 , Part 8 , Part 9 , Part 10

Tag list: @j-pping @blahblahblah-boo @his-mochi-cheeks @amyeonzing@littleflowercrown13 @baekinmylife @insta1010 @nana-banana @f4ncyvelvet@bbhbeth @totallynerdstuff @byunbabybaek @maijinki @bbyunz@theclawofaraven @kingkushdealer @uhobob @baekswifey @punchmebaekhyun @xlxbaekhyuneex

#baekhyun #baekhyun fanfic #exo #exo fanfic #exo fic #baekhyun fic #baekhyun ff #exo ff #baekhyun scenario #baekhyun chaptered #baekhyun fluff #baekhyun angst #baekhyun smut

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bigskydreaming · 3 years

Text

I kinda wanna fucking scream, so here, have a offline bullshit rant post.

So I’ve literally been trying to get my stupid fucking meds for over a MONTH now at this point, which I’m sure you can all see like, my mood is just wooooonderful these days. Not an excuse, casual reminder that yeah you do gotta take care of your own space so if my mood is dragging anyone down, I’m totes on board with blocking or unfollowing or y’know, burning me in effigy or something. Okay maybe not that last part. But still. You get it. And its not even that like, I need mood stabilizers per se, lol, so shout out to the armchair diagnosticians helpfully peppering my inbox still in their quest to oh so slickly be like ‘hey you’re a hot mess, take your hot messness away from tumblr’ like lol, didn’t ask.....nah, its mostly the perpetual lack of sleep and chronic pain issues that I have zero distraction from when my specific combo of meds isn’t able to let me actually weaponize my ADHD properly and power through that. Its a whole thing. Whatever. Just go with it.

POINT IS. So I’ve been trying to do this for over a month now, first obstacle was even just getting the money together for my refill appointment which is a whopping $150, because I have to pay out of pocket for mental health stuff these days because I had to switch my insurance over to something that paid out more heavily for physical benefits like my jaw surgery.....and because of the pandemic, and how many psychiatrists in my area and that I could actually reach aren’t taking new patients during the pandemic since most of them are conducting business virtually still, like, I have barely any resources for seeking out and trying new psychiatrist offices in the meanwhile that might charge less and I’m kinda stuck with the one I have because the last thing I can afford is to have like, NO psychiatrist at the moment, y’know?

So first I had to have that to even BOOK the appointment, which took forever because rent and food are a joy to accrue when you can barely manage to function as an actual employee of the capitalist machine ahfsklhflkahflakf, but so then I did that and like, got an appointment put on the books for August 19th. That was the soonest they could fit me in back when I paid them for my appointment about a week and a half ago. No, two weeks ago now? Eh, time is fake. ANYWAY, so that wasn’t gonna work for me, so basically the entirety of last week was devoted to constantly calling and trying to check in every other hour to see if they had any sooner cancellations I could take, because for whatever fucking reason, they just ‘don’t do’ a cancellation list wherein they call the next person on the list once they have a cancellation. Whatever.

So finally got a cancellation slot with a virtual appointment last Saturday night at random as fuck 8:40. Okay cool. Most of my refills are fairly simple, no real changes, but two are controlled substances so like, they have to do their due diligence and go through the proper protocols before giving me another prescription to one or whatever. Fine. Okay.

So I call the CVS they sent the prescription for my ADHD med to, the very next morning. One of the controlled substances, and the key med to like....making me functional instead of a rambling disjointed whirlibird of a thought emitter. Problem is, that medication is on back order. Won’t be in until Tuesday. Ugh. Okay, fine. Nothing I can do about it, because while the specific provider I spoke to in order to GET my refill prescriptions was taking an appointment the night before, the actual offices that schedule appointments and connect patients through to their providers was closed for the weekend, so I couldn’t even ask for them to send the scrip somewhere else.

SO. I go back to the CVS on Monday, hoping that maybe it came in early because not like I can do much else in the meanwhile. Course its not there, but oh well. I toy with the idea of calling to ask my provider to send the scrip to a different pharmacy (only had it sent to this one cuz its within walking distance to me, and since I can’t drive for medical reasons and Uber’s are expensive as fuck, just for errands, like, even though walking is sooooo not fun for me physically, like it is what it is). I decide against it because here’s another fun fact about this controlled substance....for security reasons, pharmacies don’t have to tell people over the phone if they have it in stock or not. Like, they won’t just say no we don’t have it in stock - I mean, they WILL say that, but that doesn’t actually mean anything because that’s what most of them say about that particular medication no matter whether or not they DO, and then just cite security protocols, so you have to actually GO to the store in question to ask them and even get a real answer to whether or not they even HAVE it in stock to FILL a prescription if its sent over. And no, the provider won’t just send scrips into several different pharmacies at once and just be whichever has it in stock can fill it - because again, controlled substance.

SO. I decide its not worth it to try getting the scrip sent over somewhere else, because I’d have to at least waste money on an Uber to even travel to various pharmacies and even check if they CAN fill it sooner than this one, when at least this place will have it in tomorrow. Its just one more day at this point.

Except then I go back on Tuesday. Oh sorry, don’t know why that other person told you we’d have our order in today, our shipments of that medication don’t come in until Wednesdays.

So I go back Wednesday. Success! They have it in stock. I go to pay, pulling out my goodRx coupon that was just printed out that morning, specifically citing the price for CVS at Target. The pharmacy manager says sorry, we don’t honor that coupon here for controlled substances like this one. I say: record scratch? He’s like yeah, that’s at the discretion of individual pharmacies, and we don’t honor that price for this specific medication, because we don’t want to attract customers only coming here to get that medication filled for that price. (This pharmacy is right at the edge of Inglewood and Culver City, for anyone who is familiar with those neighborhoods. The implications are exactly as they appear to be). So I’m like, what’s the regular generic price? He quotes me something that’s $180 more than the coupon, and thus $180 more than I have since I was focused totally on getting THIS amount ASAP, so I could get these meds so I could do more work and make more money. You see the train of thought. I’m like well that’s awesome, I don’t have anything close to that. Hey. Weird question. Why did nobody I talked to the past three days in a row that I’ve walked into this store in person to request this refill, like, mention this little tidbit about not honoring this coupon so instead of waiting for a backorder that would do me no good, I could have been spending that time having my prescription transferred somewhere that WOULD honor it?

He’s like, well did you mention to any of them that you’d be using a goodRx coupon for this particular medication? I said, yup. He said, you sure? I said well the specific process each time was I came in, I asked if this medication was in, they said what’s your name and date of birth, I provided that info, they said are you paying out of pocket, we don’t have valid insurance info for this on file for you, I said yup paying out of pocket with a goodRx coupon, they said *clickety clack of the keyboard* nope, sorry, we won’t have this medicine in until Tuesday, I mean Wednesday.

He’s like, well you must be misremembering or they would have told you at the time that we don’t take GoodRx coupons on this medication. I’m like, dude, it was you. It was literally you that I spoke to two of those three times, right here at the counter, in person. I’m gonna go ahead and trust my memory of those interactions and what was said there over yours since you don’t actually remember having talked to me two times in the last three days. He’s like, I gotta go help another customer. There is no other customer. I leave. Fun day for everyone.

So then I call around town to at least check which CVS will actually honor the coupon I have and the price that I can afford to pay it at. I don’t bother asking if they even have the medication in stock because I know its not guaranteed to be a CORRECT answer, but at least I can see who accepts this damn coupon. Also, reason I’m only trying big brand pharmacies instead of smaller, hole in the wall ones is because again, controlled substance, and I know from experience that the bigger brand pharmacies are at least more likely to have that med in stock whereas most smaller ones tend to run out very quickly as they usually only get enough for their existing/regular customers and a little extra.

I find a CVS five miles away - not walkable, gonna have to Uber. Call my psychiatrist office again to ask them to transfer the scrip, front office says they’ll send the request to my provider, who usually checks and fulfills such requests in 24-48 hours. I’m like okay cool, can I get a phone call to let me know when that happens, so at least I know when to check back to follow up if it hasn’t happened yet for whatever reason? They’re like no, the pharmacy will send you a text or call when they get the prescription sent over and you can take it from there with them. I’m like okay, but I’ve done this a bunch of times and know from experience the pharmacy does NOT in fact always call or text, so is there a certain time to follow up to inquire if the provider has already sent the scrip and the pharmacy SHOULD have it by now or if the delay is on the provider’s end? Front office is like yeah no. I’m like, swell.

So that was yesterday. I call the pharmacy (which I still don’t even know if they have the medication IN STOCK to fill the scrip even once they GET the scrip, and won’t until I can actually Uber out there, but one thing at a time at this point) at like 9 pm, they’re a 24 hour pharmacy, and they’re like nope, we got nothing (this is after spending an hour and a half on hold to even TALK to someone at the pharmacy). Called them again today at noon, still nada. Technically I have another 29 hours before the window in which the provider is supposed to send the refill scrip to this new location, before I can be like, okay so they still haven’t done it, can we send him a nudge or another request. The 24-48 hour window will only actually EXPIRE after their offices close on Friday meaning it’ll be Monday before I can even actually REACH someone again to ask them to send the scrip again, if the pharmacy hasn’t ACTUALLY gotten it by Friday night, and pessimistically, I’m not super inclined to assume that they will at this point.

I’m antsy, irritable, hungry because I don’t even know for SURE sure if the new pharmacy will ACTUALLY honor the coupon or say no sorry we don’t do that here either, whoever told you that was wrong, or if they’ll even actually have it in stock versus I’ll have to have it sent somewhere else AGAIN, so I have to pinch every penny possible in order to ensure I have the most money possible once my prescription IS filled in case the price is more than I expected again or in case I have to take Ubers there or further than I expected or basically....shit happens that I don’t expect. And this is what I’m basically spending all my time doing instead of working, because trying to get work done in this state is like....the harder I try to make it happen, the less it actually gets done, so I try and prioritize this and its roadblock after roadblock dragging out and wasting my time, and like yeah, I can post and shit while I’m doing this aka sitting on hold or walking around town trying to get shit filled because its fine if I ramble incoherently along the way in posts, but actual WORK work requires like....fucking coherency and succinctness and not having to stop and start every five minutes to call someone else, and oh yeah, being able to power through migraine spikes. And just.

I’m very annoyed about anything and everything to do with this shit. The hoops you have to jump through to even get the stuff that like....actualizes your hoop jumping ability, is just....*gnashing of teeth*

Anyway. So that’s my offline bullshit rant. Yay. The end.

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