#<-theres nothing in that tag im sad
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ngl i find joy in seeing rikai being upset to witness ohse smiling and singing abt death with fumiya, guy he's suspicious of and thinks is a bad influence. good nourishment
#the whole house think fmy is sus but rikai seems to think that more than anyone else by the way he acted around him before the 2nd break w#'i shouldve asked you! how to turn this perfect human being like me into a terrible person !' or smth like that. oh rikai oniisan.........#charisma house#crsm#ito fumiya#minato ohse#fumiohse#<-theres nothing in that tag im sad#france art
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earlier when I said I was normal now while playing isat that was a lie I'm miserable trying to fall asleep. wtf. I'm on some type of shit. in this moment you are loved. friendship is magic and solves anything type of thoughts I have here
#i need to experience that scene again :(((#the last snacks spot before you beat the king hsving tbe friendship quests done for the first time#im so so so sooo normal#usually i mean that in a hell fucking. wow. ighdjfjdkce i hate these guys#but this time im actually so so sad i KNOW it doesnt get better and itll FEEL so DIFFERENT if i do it again in this save#even if nothing changes it wont feel like.... right. ykwim#its not the first time. you(and siffrin) have seen this before#but also it adds a new layer#if i were to go do it again and the game DIDNT change any dialogue(which i doubt) then theres an extra something if both the player and sif#know this isnt going to work its not gonna break the loop#but also#it doesnt matter#because youll do it anyway. because. In This Moment. You Are Loved#it doesnt matter how many times you do it#arrrgh. i need a diagnos8s#isat spoilers#(in the tags but theyre still there)
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god michael is such a jerk in fnaf 4 im never getting over it
he pisses me off so much its the only fnaf game with a character i cannot STAND
and i like michael, hes one of my favs but my god... fnaf 4 michael...
but at the same time i always feel so bad for him. his dad was shitty, his sister died horribly, and his brother was gruesomely injured in front of him BECAUSE OF HIS STUPID ACTIONS and then died after.
like he carried that guilt for so long
ill never be as upset abt his life as i am about evans
but it still just... ue... i love u michael afton even if ur an asshole
#sorry im reading a fic#ueue#that whole “im sorry” scene in fnaf 4 makes me so sad#i think this is why i hate villain arc evan??#like theres nothing wrong with disliking or villainizing mike#but i dont think he needs another thing telling him how fucking horrible he is. he knows. he feels like shit.#and i dont think evan feels that way abt him??#like yeah evan wouldnt like him#but he never was aggressive or bitter towards mike#he was just sad#fnaf#michael afton#evan afton#im sorry for being ill about michael afton it will happen again#im just??? so???#rambling in the tags so sorry#tzu rambles
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i dont wanna count the weeks i just feel sad
#i hate crying and the only thing worse than crying is crying in public so no crying#we are not fucking crying get a fucking hold of yourself bitch#anywya its been like just over a month#what an awful fucking existence#had to talk to my therapist last week abt the fact that everything is just kinda horrible rn#nothing is good eerything even things i like and make me happy are just a little bit awful#bc i feel awful#i dont wanna eat i dont wanna go places i force myself to exist when id rather just curl into a ball and fade into nothing#quit fucking crying bitvch this is pathetic get a fcuking hold of yourself your moms dead get over yourself theres no time to be sad rn#got shit to do and a fuck ton to worry abt put the emotions in a little fucking box go get a pastry or smth jfc#maybe ill do some work#if my hands would stop shaking thatd be nice i probably need to eat but i rlly just dont want to hm#id go home but i prolly shouldnt drive when im in this sorta mood :/#the mood swings are sooooo fucking bad btw lmao#vent#idk how to tw tag this ugh#this isnt even abt anything im just talking rn
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youtube
canary-core song btw [video has CC in eng]
#talk tag#ciacm tag#one day i will find non. depressing? sad? songs to put in her playlist. but im struggling a lot with not wanting to put non. uh#meaningful??? songs???#anyways#“Everything being fictional is fine” “then i want to close my eyes“ ”Right?“ -THE LIVELY PERSONAL OF AN IDOL ON STAGE...#“And I laugh at myself theres no place for me anymore”#“Even if I want to go back I can't return” the persona is broken and the cracks cant be repaired#“I didn't even realize” “The weight of that single word” “Become my sacrifice”#“Where has my ideal reflection gone?” VIOLENT SNIFFLING.#“With a completely different appearance you gave me a fake smile”#“Im nothing more than a vessel I can't become that person” “That Ideal reflection I created”
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birthday doodle dump
#bonk.png#undescribed#<- its like almost 1 am as i type this tag im not adding ids to them atm#first image was drawn literally as i was turning 19 to pass time n to lament that i cant go to lesbian bars yet#second image is from september i drew the red doodles when i first downloaded the app im now using on my phone#n the first one i drew there was two match melodys (the one with a square head n line on her face) the second og match doodle is covered by#cordelia cause she is what the text says (cause i just drew her shape n then didnt draw on clothes cause my battery was low)#then theres a raz doodle my psn oc aster (still havent fully worked out her design) another match melody n then kucumber (green haired girl)#who is also the first doodle in the third image so nice i drew her twice anyway most of the doodles on the third image are cause#i was feeling nostalgic n looking through my deviantart gallary (i dont remember my password n its been years since i used it)#so theres kucumber willow (the two red doodles one of which is mostly covered up) n then redraws OF redraws#first is doggirl i redrew her more based off of her og design than her first redesign cause i liked the colors there more#the green horse is sour tart whos a redesign of one of my very first ocs (og name lightening heart. she was a nothing burger. sad ✌️)#n then ''cordelia'' again the second horse is positioned there cause i didnt like the rest of the doodle n then i remembered that i could#just delete the lower half so i did that 👍👍#second horse is speckled sweets they n sour tart are besties and are also both next gen fcs 😭 sour tart's parents are undecided atm#but shes an apple n speckled sweets is the kiddo of pinkie n sunburst (pinkie n cheese have an ever expanding polycule for design fun)#fourth image has mallow (cat girl also from my deviant) drew her entirely from memory so her design n colors are slightly off#nervous girl who is just a half redraw of a character i made in the pastel friends(?) app#and neptune whos from like a half story i made back in like 2020? n its like one of my older stories that i look back at n makes me go#''hey. whats ur problem??'' while still mostly remembering what i was thinking making it cause it wasnt that long ago#so! neptune's story thing is like a weird supernatural phenomenon happens while shes driving n causes her to crash#n once she wakes up shes like invisible to everyone n is confused as hell cause when she walks to get help (cause her phone was broken in th#crash n she has no noticeable injuries) no one responds to her cause yknow invisible until one person does who is. her psychic ex she had a#falling out with. not great but saturn is the only person who can see her n unintentionally causes neptune to freak out cause oh shit only#SATURN who is a PSYCHIC can see me rn am i dead?? but no shes fine neptune is just like halfway between the human plane n ghost(?) plane#they have like a weird thing going on cause neptune is stuck at their house n theres no solution to neptune's situation#cause saturn is like the weakest of the psychics in their family n the rest of their family is off all over the place dealing with the#varying fallout of the phenomenon that caused neptune's situation (she was the only one who got like halfwayies)#so saturn n neptune are stuck together alone waiting for one of saturn's family members to come home
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homophobia sucks
#ughhhhhh the world is in so many crises all the time and all i can do is feel really sad#this is so. this is so lame what do we even have left#climates changing medias censoring police murdering technology advertising companies selling#theres no fucking escape and im really really tired#go outside... where. where. where can you go anymore.#the forest behind our backyard isnt a forest anymore its literally like three trees thick#bc they fucking cut half of it down to make new houses#and now all we see from our backyard are those other houses that werent there before#so many people will never see the sky full of stars#animals are going extinct but nothings being done bc theyre not Useful or give Profit#the very same kids you say youre protecting by banning so many things are being shot in the very place you said they were safe#no matter where you go your data is being sold there is no such thing as privacy#there is STILL A FUCKING PANDEMIC#and we are just supposed to. be used to it. immune. desensitized. is that not worse#the idea that ignoring it is all we can do bc caring wont even do shit#bc its bc people who dont care about anything other than themselves made all the decisionsn#and now everythings a fucking shithole#and all i can do about it is get upset in fucking tumblr tags
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well jenkins won my poll from a while ago so i guess its my time to talk about jenkins. lemme kinda go back to the beginning about it.
So, Season 12 is when i started being a blaseball fan. I officially on the site roll up to the canada moist talkers on the election sunday that the big siesta starts so im out here like what the fuck is going on while my pal corvoda is a decent bit more interested than i am at that point but i digress.
I miss the coffee cup and related events and i finally start showing my face in the discord, i think i got started on jenkins because i had stumbled across some of the blaseball rp twitters and wanted to join in, so i picked a blaseball player who didn't have a twitter at the time which was jesús and jenkins and i picked jenkins.
there is a message specifically telling me that jenkins doesnt get much love compared to other players on the team and lemme tell you, i took that PERSONALLY.
the first couple things i learned about jenkins was assorted stuff from their wiki. Flaming eye, gamer, and from greer's wiki i think i learned that jenkins and greer were.... something. relationship something.
after a while, i took a crack at making a jenkins interp that combined two other interps i had seen, big lizardy jenkins and mostly humanoid jenkins and ended up with salamander jenkins, eventually switching over to leopard gecko jenkins.
the thing that both entertained me and made me sad is that nothing ever really happened to jenkins. this player who i loved so much didnt recieve a stat buff till late expansion, despite being active with the same stat total since s4 election. sure they got crows mod but rarely did they play in bird weather just cuz of how weather works.
if i can be salty a little bit, i've always had a weird relationship with greer because of how much we focus on her. i know buff greer was funny and it definitely is super funny dont get me wrong but jenkins was a great pitcher until the stat creep hit. we still has to spend several elections on greer because she was a fan favourite. i feel in my heart that if it had been jenkins in that feedback there probably wouldnt have been as much of a push to get them back and idk that always scared me.
its not that jenkins was truly irredeemably bad at the time but compared to a player like greer? if we had to choose between greer or jenkins in something i know greer is winning and that does weird things to my brain sometimes idk i will digress again
jenkins being an active player vs kennedy trevino tyvi who are (were, in tyvi's case) fuckin dead is a wierd space to be in too. especially now that jenkins is on the tacos in new era i rotate between happiness that the tacos like them and deathly fear that theyre going to misconstrue something about them because jenkins is just so specifically Talkers-fied that you really had to be there for the jenkins conversations to understand jenkins' vibes. Its one of those things that like, jenkins was an s1 talker, they had all this time on the team so you just Got the vibes.
my sad thing about jenkins on the tacos? i feel like i cant talk about them anymore. my jenkins is talkers jenkins and i dont know the tacos and i am afraid. this is not my jenkins good anymore this is a whole other jenkins now and i think.... thats really the thing thats fucking me up about this new era. but at least jenkins is doing okay last i checked.
uhhhh lemme actually say some fun headcanons here... Jenkins has a math related degree in Orb Studies and can determine the exact salt content in food just by licking it. they eventually get a pet gecko named Adkins.
#jenkins good#blaseball#canada moist talkers#im not gonna tag the tacos specifically#being a talkers fan is hard sometimes#word of mouth is so fun until you have to explain it to those uninformed and then its TERRIFYING#for those who understand#i am a system and we have a jenkins fictive#our jenkins fictive cannot function regarding tacos jenkins and it really affects my interpretation of the character#theres nothing i can do to fix any jenkins involved feelings#jenkins is a large part of what kept me going on blaseball#jenkins and the talkers#the new era ruined both of those things for me i think#i didnt mean to make this sad honestly but#its hard to jenkinspost now
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having Big Feelings in the tags. you neednt read them, but you should go drink water and stretch your eyes
#makin one of those posts thats all tags bc i need to just do emotions for a sec#98% of the time i fuckin love being aroace. i like how i exist in the world and our flags fucking baller#but wooo boy that 2% of the time (my current state)#nothin makes you stare into space despondently while crying silently like knowing therenothing *wrong* w you per se#but there something fundamental to your existence that means your emotional needs will very likely never be met the way you need them to be#my roommate whom i love with my whole entire soul has their partner over whom i also love with my whole entire soul#and its making me so agonizingly jealous bc i want what they have so badly it actually literaly fucking aches in my chest#i want the banter and the cuddling and the intimacy and the love. the goodnight phonecalls and the undeniable proof that i am loved just#as much as i love and that i am a peiority in someone else's life to the same degree that i prioritize them#but i know i dont get to have that because i cant do it the way almost anybody wants#i want to fall asleep next to someone but i dont want to date. i wont do it. it makes me so uncomfortable#but without performing romance theres almsot no chance ill get to have that kind of deeply intertwined life#and like. i love my friends dearly and deeply. i vall them the loves of my life bc they are#but even those relationships wont get to be like what i want so bad. they all have or want romance and i know how that works#it doesnt matter that they love me too because when you have a partner thats the priority. i get it. its fine.#i dont mind stepping back from my friends to give them room to build the lives they want.#i jusy want somone to want to build a life with *me*#dont mind me in just tired and sad and experiencing the agonies of being 22#theres a part of me that looks at all this and just says 'maybe someday' but ive been living off nothing bu 'someday' most of my life#and im dead fucking tired of it#idk man maybe im just mentally ill and have mommy issues who knows#anyway im going to bed now#if you know me irl and you read all this 1)this is NOT meant to imply youre doing something wrong. not your fault amatonormativity is this#2) ill be fine i just need to sleep and 3) i love you more than i know how to say and i always will no matter what shape our lives take
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feeling positively inconsolable........!
#christmas is RUINED#it actually has nothing to do with christmas and isnt a big life problem its just something im Very Sad about#and i cant tell my friends bcus they would be sad too!! and theres a chance it could all be okay and i dont wanna tell em#dont wanna admit i let this happen.... how could i.........#but i must talk about my feelings and my mom is already sick of me (/lh) so. tumblr tag vent#i just cant believe it today was the worst day for it to happen#i came home. cried about it. was normal. thought about it again. now i cant do Anything#this is like when i broke my tablet and lost all my art#its not as bad as that but same vibe#its bc of my own lack of caution and im So Sad about it Forever#like it would have been so easy for it not to have happened and its so impossible to fix afterward#how can life have these small tragedies that i dont notice until its past too late#oh i lament it all!!#oh how i lament.......#teeths
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people have been complaining about how all the character progression “isnt dark enough” and when they brought new characters to om there was a huge back lash (in part due to fandom misogyny @ 13) to characters being mean again and like. idk I hate how i saw nothing but “ohhh i wish it was back to how it was early game” or “ohhh the japanese version is so much darker” and it KILLS me to see those exact memes and jokes translated over to nightbringer AT THE COST of the main story.
OM has always been intensely fan desire driven to it’s own detriment via events and a lot of unsavory fanservice, and it frustrates me deeply that when om’s main story got even a little conflict driven, people hated it, often due to how lessons were released.
It’s very much a game thats caught between trying to satisfy as many people as possible and tell a story that doesn’t give itself enough room to breathe - certain beats need multiple lessons to tell, and when people whip themselves into a froth over a dramatic moment that isnt full resolved, it’s rough.
idk i have such mixed feelings about this development
#text#the game has. so so many flaws#and the character bloat and unsure focus of the story hasnt helped it#but theres so much i love about it#and while im excited for nightbringer#ahhh#im just sad#events burned me out on om#and now its going to be nothing BUT events#im not putting this in the main tag for obvious reasons but#yeah#follow up from the last post bc i INTENSELY disagree that they dont know where to take the story#just that the team feels burnt out from pumping out a million events#and that makes the main story suffer#buuut thats just a vibe im picking up on#rather than like. concrete insider knowledge lmao
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i made preliminary plans to put my horse down in january today:( idk why im making this post i just want everyone to know about hippu and that she exists.
im so tortured whether its the right decision or not and whatever i mightve done wrong or not good enoug or if i should try something else and if the only person (the stable owner) i can discuss it with is right or not and its just way too much to explain lol
i feel bad about january too, because hippu was born during the summer, so to make plans to say goodbye to her during the coldest time of the year in the middle of the winter makes me feel sad. i wouldve at least wanted for her to go during the summer. but i suppose that only matters to me
heres some pictures i took of her today when i was keeping her company while she worried whether her buddy will also come in to the stable or not.
she looks so scruffy because shes changing into her winter coat. i called over to her and she looked directly at me and looked goofy.
shes my first horse and she will be my last horse too. someone laughed today when i said that (”thats what they all say, you always get a new horse”) but i know its true: its just too much money and time i dont have because im always so sick for no reason, its not even that i dont like horses or cant see myself loving a different horse as much, just the bleak reality im afraid.
once i wanted to be a pro equestrian, now were here, feels funny to think about.
#animal death cw - i guess. i dont know how content warning tagging works on tumblr anymore lol#for some reason my 2nd PC screen is on its last legs too and flickering etc lol#actually my life is going so much downhill. i dont even know what to say about hippu because i dont have anyone to talk to about her.#i dont know a lot of horse people and none i could talk about this and idk..ask for a different opinion or something. oh well.#im trying to make jokes right now but i barely even have the energy for that. im just really sad.#i genuinely feel like all ive done for the past month or something is cry and lately ive cried for hours every day. TMI lore about me lol#its just exhausting and theres nothing i can do about any of it. ahh... having issues with brain and money sucks so much what else can i say
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me rn moodboard
#not gonna incoherently whine abt nothing in the tags this time#i think i need to just feel shitty n sad im even on my period so ill use that as an excuse too#n then ill either get over it or i gotta go to bed early anyway n then ill be at work n yea 👍🏻#might try n go into distraction mode cuz its not like theres anything i can do to Fix me n how i am rn#so w/e one min at a time ill survive its fine actually 👍🏻#dlt ltr#its chill im chill itll be fine ! (@ myself)#p
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this is to ONE PERSON and one person ONLY. if you're confused, it's not you!
#you know. i saw you posted today from a different account. and it was one i totally forgot about#i didnt even feel like running back this time. was i curious? yes. did i end up looking? yep.#im saying this even though im 98% sure you cant see it but whatever. since when has that stopped me before?#you seemed fine. to say seeing that didnt piss me off would be a lie. oops i guess#i think its funny how the last thing you posted was stolen from me.#today it was one of those tag games we used to do together. your taglist was empty with some excuse of being absent on this app#i cant help but wonder if thats really all of it. if thats the whole story or not. i have a feeling the answer is no#i dont think youll ever understand the impact of what you did to me and the ways that you treated me. how that immensely fucked me up#or how youve basically thrown me to the wolves ever since you emotionally checked out.#you act like i never mattered to you and its been like that for forever. i made so many excuses on your behalf that i never should have.#these days the thought of you makes me go insane. the kind of insane that leaves me up all night and makes me wanna scream at the top#of my lungs. i have been consumed by anguish and hate. yes. im not afraid to say it anymore. i hate what happened and what you did to me#and sometimes i even hate you. and i dont even feel bad about it. im so over that because if theres anything i deserve after this hell then#its the capability to hate. for once in my life.#i saw your post and wondered if you thought of me. and i hope you did. i hope you thought of me and at the very least it stung.#because whether you want to admit it or not i was someone good. i bent over backwards for you every other day. try finding someone to do#everything that i did for you that you never appreciated. try finding someone who will care as much as i did about someone who couldnt be#bothered to tell me happy birthday. i dare you. because im tired of being sad that youre not here. im tired of being the one whos mourning#im so over it actually. because really i did so much for you. i gave up so much to be a good friend and it was never enough. i genuinely#cared about you. im not going to torture myself anymore by overanalyzing your posts or by thinking that i was nothing to you#because in one way or another youll miss me. and i hope the feeling is hell.#in the wise and paraphrased words of taylor swift. karma only comes back around to those who deserve it#in other words ill be fine#em speaks#tw vent ish#sorry to everyone else although i applaud you for being nosy lmao. gotta have my girlboss moment <3
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This is how bullshit my chronic illness is.
My normal, it's just me being able to function. It's not an absence of pain, or suffering. It's just pain that I can work around.
Days without pain, nausea, splitting migraines, severe insomnia, nonstop tremors and body weakness? Days where I feel like a normal human? Those are rare. So rare I only get that maybe once every 2-4 months. A measly 12-16 hours of utter bliss in the form of feeling like my own body isn't betraying me.
I had that, yesterday, or as close as I can come to it. But I made a mistake, I took a nap because I was tired since my sleep schedule is so messed up. And now I'm far worse than I was the day before, now I'm in the kind of pain I can't work around and I have a nonstop mantra of "don't throw up, don't cry, don't throw up, don't cry" in my head because if I do it's going to be pure agony I won't be able to think around and I don't want another episode to start a mere 5 days after the last one finally stopped.
#Xy rants#no one is going to see this and thats fine i just need to get this off my chest#i hate talking to my friends and husband about this because they all want to help and fix it and you cant fix it#i know it hurts them to realize this isnt something they can fix or help i have to suffer through this until it stops#its not a cold or a flu that can be cured with some OTC meds theres nothing that will make it go away#it never goes away it might pull back and lurk but its always there waiting to attack#i more or less accept that this is just my life now#that my life is just a bunch of pain i have to endure#i dont get mad or sad about it because that doesnt help it actively makes it worse#but sometimes i really wish i could cry about it and rage about how unfair it all is#but i dont because i cant because doing that will actually trigger more symptoms and an episode#this ruined my life in a way it lost me the best job i ever had becaue the stress from it more or less caused the illness#but in a way it helped too because now im making money doing something i only ever dared to dream of#a twisted silver lining#my life is pain but theres a lot of good in it too#and i try to remember that on the really bad days when i cant even get out of bed#chronic illness#my illness is so rare it doesnt even have a tag#cvs#cyclical vomitting syndrome#or thats my doctors best guess#is it cyclical if your down cycles last days or hours
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I am once again trying to control my crying voice late at night. I am crying for the same reason I always do, or the most usual one, at least.
After an innumerable times of late night crying, silent screaming and hatred thrown in all directions, I still can't find an answer, justification, explanation or consolation for all that.
I'd like to call it a question, but I've cried inconsolably in the loneliness of the dark way earlier before being able to put everything into proper words, of forming this question, before trying to put the blame on myself and retrieving it from all the innocent former children that still hunt my every step.
I can't explain with words and definitions what I've gone through. I haven't been bullied. I haven't been hit, screamed at or insulted.
I was always told I was a cry baby, that I exaggerated everything, that I was the victim only because I played as such. I still don't know if that's true. But I've chosen to validate my emotions towards that time of my life and those people. Regardless of everything, I now have anxiety that only grows worse near those I went to class with as a child and every place that reminds me of them.
I can find so many things wrong in my childhood, so many things that could have been better, in many areas. I've lived experiences that some may consider traumatic that do affect me slightly negatively. But nothing affects me as hugely as those no-longer-kids.
But I wasn't bullied. I was just... lonely? I wasn't alone. So... what is that that I can't leave behind, even after at least five years?
#bullying#childhood#sad childhood#how do i tag this#anxiety#i dont have those people i understand that people grow and change and i hope thats been the case for them#i cant forgive them because theres nothing to forgive i just have found peace within myself#i am not going to judge others for actions of their past the same way i dont want others to do that to me#im somehow at relative peace because im not going to deny what ive been through and what im going through#and if to feel ok i have to mantain my distance from all of them then so be it
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