#im somehow at relative peace because im not going to deny what ive been through and what im going through | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

carinavi5 · 10 months

Text

I am once again trying to control my crying voice late at night. I am crying for the same reason I always do, or the most usual one, at least.

After an innumerable times of late night crying, silent screaming and hatred thrown in all directions, I still can't find an answer, justification, explanation or consolation for all that.

I'd like to call it a question, but I've cried inconsolably in the loneliness of the dark way earlier before being able to put everything into proper words, of forming this question, before trying to put the blame on myself and retrieving it from all the innocent former children that still hunt my every step.

I can't explain with words and definitions what I've gone through. I haven't been bullied. I haven't been hit, screamed at or insulted.

I was always told I was a cry baby, that I exaggerated everything, that I was the victim only because I played as such. I still don't know if that's true. But I've chosen to validate my emotions towards that time of my life and those people. Regardless of everything, I now have anxiety that only grows worse near those I went to class with as a child and every place that reminds me of them.

I can find so many things wrong in my childhood, so many things that could have been better, in many areas. I've lived experiences that some may consider traumatic that do affect me slightly negatively. But nothing affects me as hugely as those no-longer-kids.

But I wasn't bullied. I was just... lonely? I wasn't alone. So... what is that that I can't leave behind, even after at least five years?

#bullying #childhood #sad childhood #how do i tag this #anxiety #i dont have those people i understand that people grow and change and i hope thats been the case for them #i cant forgive them because theres nothing to forgive i just have found peace within myself #i am not going to judge others for actions of their past the same way i dont want others to do that to me #im somehow at relative peace because im not going to deny what ive been through and what im going through #and if to feel ok i have to mantain my distance from all of them then so be it

0 notes