Something I learned last night is that if you type ‘mental health help’ in the tumblr search bar a message will be sent to you from @kokobot which connects you with people who will sit and listen to you. They aren’t therapists and it’s not counselling but it lets you talk to someone if you need to

(I usually don’t ask for reblogs but reblogging this may help more people get help with their mental health so it would be greatly appreciated if you did)

Im so pissed that I didn't get to have a normal life. So many years have been stolen by trauma and the aftermath of said trauma. I didn't get to be a regular child or adolescent or teenager and now adult because trauma just ruined my life and took all these years away from me and is still taking from me to this day even though it's not going on anymore. I wish I could go back in time and give that kid a good life but I can't. All I can do is heal and move on and I feel like that's impossible. I hate this.

What is trauma?

We don’t come into this world planning on it and yet we change in response to it. We are never the person we were before it happened.

Over the course of my own life, I know my own traumas have changed the essence of my being. Each one has impacted me on some level. Not always in big ways, but always in some way.

The problem with trauma is my brain doesn’t want to bring it to the forefront. It makes writing about trauma an act of illusion. Did it really happen? Is the memory intact or are there only bits and pieces? Who was I when it happened? And how did I change?

When I arrived on the set, the family I was gracing would have been considered privileged. My father was CEO of a very lucrative company. We had financial security, a solid home and brand new cars that needed no attention beyond the occasional oil change.

From the outside, it looked like a pretty stable home environment. My parents appeared to get along very well. There were often parties and functions; CEO duties my father had to perform. Politicians needed to be persuaded or glorified and family needed to be paraded to continue the impression of success and prosperity.

But that was just the surface. Underneath is where the truth stands in opposition to what they all saw. Well, my truth anyway.

If you asked him, my father would be enraged. He would deny everything vehemently and that would be the end of any conversation. There would be no discussion. And that is why there is so much hurt. Because there never was discussion.

I want to look at the point at which the trauma turns the person’s life. What happens in that brief passing moment that changes your perception of the world you thought you knew? It isn’t always an action or a word, sometimes it is simply the moment a realization dawns in your mind. There are many of these passing moments in my own life, the point at which things will never be as they were before you realized.

Please give a read…. I feel these words.

I see a lot of people joking about the adhd thing of "I have a appointment/phone call at 3pm, guess I won't do anything all day!"

But no one seems to make the connection that it's a time blindness thing. One of the symptoms of ADHD is not having a good and accurate sense of time. And not doing stuff prior to an event with a hard deadline is an obvious coping mechanism for that.

Can I go to the store? It's 10am and the appointment is at 3pm. How long does going to the store take? An hour? Three hours? Five hours? I DON'T KNOW!

I get anxious trying to do things before appointments because I'm aware that I don't know how long those things take, and that if I think I do, I may be very wrong. Too often I've been like "hey I can walk to the corner store and grab a drink, that'll take like 15 minutes!" and then an hour later I get back and whoops my rice has burnt.

Plus there's also the fact that ADHD people know that motivation and focus is a two-edged sword.

Like, let's say you decide to play a video game. You've got time, you can pause/save whenever, so this should be a perfect fit to make good use of your waiting-time. So you start playing and WHOOPS you get really focused for some reason today (because people with ADHD do not get to pick when their brain decides to focus) and the next time you look at the clock it's 2:49 and you haven't showered or dressed and the appointment is 30 minutes away. Fuck. (you could have set an alarm, but now you're asking people with the forgetting-things-and-time-ignoring condition to remember it set alarms)

And with motivation, it can be almost worse. Instead of playing a game, you so something useful or creative. You clean your room or fix your plumbing or write a story or draw a picture. And suddenly it's great. Your brain is firing on all cylinders. You've got all the motivation you can ask for, and you are FLYING. the ideas are brilliant, your hands are nimble, you're getting stuff done you've been putting off for weeks or months. And then the alarm goes off. Time to go to your appointment. Fuck.

You drive there, your brain still full of ideas and plans. But by the time you get back, the motivation is gone. You may still have the ideas but you don't have the drive to write them down. You can't force yourself to do it. Your sink is still in pieces. Your room is half-cleaned, and you have to shove all the sorted clothes into one big bin just so you have somewhere to sleep. You've left things half finished again, in a cycle that has been repeating your whole fucking life. It seems sometimes that nothing ever gets finished.

So next time you don't even start. There's not time. You've been burnt too many times. Why add another half-completed project to your pile of shame?

My point is that people seem to be going "lol I can't do anything all day if I have an appointment at 3pm" like this is a quirky "oh I'm so scatterbrained!" weirdness they alone have, and not a major complication of a disabling mental illness.

(and that's not even getting into the secondary effects. If you know that having an appointment ruins your whole damn day, you're going to avoid them. Even when it's things like "going to that party" or "meeting your friends for a drink/game" or "going to a movie with that cute girl from your math class". Things you should enjoy. Things that'd help you be social. Things that make you feel human.)

Without the abuse, I wouldn't have been this scared in every human interaction. I wouldn't feel like my life depends on saying the right thing and finding my way out of this situation safely. I wouldn't be this timid, this cagey, reluctant, imagining every worst scenario that can come out of a social situation. I wouldn't have images of torture in my mind when attempting to say no. I wouldn't find it this hard to refuse being useful to others when it violates my freedom.

I would be able to speak my mind. I'd be able to be honest in my own way, instead of finding reasons and reasons why I have to be as pleasant and non-demanding as possible. I wouldn't be afraid to ask for information when I want it. I wouldn't be scared to check what my options are.

Abuse forces me to walk the thinnest line of being convenient and nothing else. I don't get to have a personality, there's only fear. I'm different when I'm alone, I'm not afraid, I know what I want. But if you put another human being next to me, all of my convictions are overwritten by survival instinct to appease and escape.

I would be fine if I didn't feel deep existential dread about the future, deep terror associated with being close or even socializing with other people, immense grief at being alone and harmed from the moment I was born and shame and pain from never being loved, protected or acknowledged! That and the flashbacks.

Does anybody else grow tired of their trauma sometimes? Like, it's just so exhausting to keep coming back to the same fucking issues and triggers and flashbacks over and over and over again. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of thinking about it. I feel like it takes so much energy to carry it around with me all the time and even more energy to pretend that I'm not actually carrying it around at all. It's such a specific kind of fatigue. Like when you get a song stuck in your head to the point where it gets super annoying and uncomfortable and all you want is to listen to 30 other songs to stop that one melody from ping-ponging around your synapses.

There's a post on the #tlt subreddit questioning why readers love Harrow.

Mental illness is a fucking bitch. I try to speak up about my depression (and anxiety) whenever I can, because I think I'm pretty high-functioning and want to advocate and destigmatize mental health where I can. But the stigma still exists and it's enough to make anyone feel broken and unlovable.

Harrow is mentally ill. She admits it herself, in one of the first chapters. It's reinforced by unreliable narration and her own admissions throughout the book. And yet, this is a woman who is incredibly skilled at what she does and (more importantly) loved by others in her life. Gideon died for her. Camilla, Corona, and Palamedes are genuinely happy to see her. Fucking Jod wishes she was his.

We can be fucked up and still be worth of love. Being broken does not mean worthless.

Anyway that's why I love Harrow.

I grieve my childhood. I grieve what never was and I grieve for that little girl who went through too much.

I will be grieving for a very long time.

Also, I will stay in the present and make it the best that I can.

Trauma physically alters the way your brain functions. The chemistry in your brain changes when it must stay in fight/flight mode as a result of prolonged abuse, neglect, or manipulation. While a pill is not always the answer and coping skills are important, sometimes a medication can help regulate some of the chemistry in your brain that can help you think through things with some clarity. This helps reduce stress so you can make decisions with a clear mentality that has the potential to bring happiness and accomplish big things for yourself.

Trauma, especially trauma experienced early in life and/or over an extended period, can physically change your brain.

It can permanently change who you are, how you are.

It's still worth confronting your trauma and working to understand the ways it impacts your life. It's still worth processing it.

And if there is no path back to who you were before, or if you don't know who you were before, it's OK to mourn.

It's OK to be sad.

It's OK to hurt.

But just because that path is closed doesn't mean you're stuck where you are. There are other paths, other versions of yourself to build and meet and someday celebrate.

You're worth it.

I believe in you.

I think it's important for people to know this. Abusers will manipulate you by appearing angry so they can keep you off balance.

In my own past, my abuser has used gaslighting and anger to scare me into doing what they wanted me to do. Usually the purpose was simply to break me down into a blubbering, crying mess at which point, I had no idea which end was up and couldn't figure out how to get out of the corner I had been backed into.

My abuser made me believe that they valued the workers in their company more deeply than their own child, who is obviously just a fuck up.

Abusers fake being angry so they’d scare&distract you from other shit they’re actually doing.

When they suddenly go from angry -> pleased and smiling, that’s not a coincidence or a display of control over their emotions, they’ve never been actually angry. It’s an act to get you to obey them and once you do, and you’re no longer trying to call them out, their anger has served their purpose and they’re pleased with themselves.

Abusers will fake emotions while they’re accusing you of faking emotions.

When I was five, my abuser threatened my life. The terror was real and drives me into the corner of a room still today, and I'm middle-aged now.

My abuser stated that if I told anyone what was happening to me, that God would strike me down. I knew God struck people down in the bible with lightning, and ever since then, when a thunderstorm rolls through, I am convinced I will be hit with lightning. I also don't do fireworks.

I was FIVE years old. FIVE!! It's very real.

#abusesurvivor, #abuserecovery, #tellyourstory, #narcissism, #narcissisticabusesurvivor, #mentalhealth

(tw death threats)

I struggled to feel as if my fear was rational in the situations where the parents would threaten me, but never quite followed up on a threat. There are always excuses and defense for the abusers when they do this, like, ‘I’ll kill you’ was obviously a joke, they didn’t mean it!’ or ‘you just took it seriously, they never meant to actually hurt you’.

But what I felt at the time of the threat, was absolute terror and conviction that it would happen, because my parents did a lot of traumatic stuff without even threatening it, and it was hard to believe their threats were jokes or something they didn’t mean; the air around them was cold and lethal, and I could often feel the intent, the hatred and the desire to harm. They in fact, looked as if they were only barely restraining themselves from physically ending me.

So why is it so terrifying if the parents didn’t actually ‘mean’ it, and am I unreasonably being trapped in flashbacks where I feel like I’m about to be killed, if my parents never actually meant to do it?

The threats they make are never just for jokes, they’re meant to establish control. They knew the threat would make me freeze in terror, and then they would be able to get me to do anything, get away with anything, or stop me from doing anything or saying anything, because I would be in the fight-flight-freeze-fawn response, and wouldn’t be able to do anything that risks my getting alive out of there.

I realized today that it’s not much different from being held at a gunpoint. The person holding a gun might not actually plan to shoot, they might have completely different plans and have no intention of killing you at that moment. But for you, it doesn’t matter. You’re held at a gunpoint. You can feel your life ending at any second. You can’t risk a movement, a sound, or a twitch that would cause it to happen. The person holding a gun can control you completely, because you’re trapped in your survival response. They have the means to end your life, and are threatening it. You are controlled against your will, with your life hanging above your head. Whether they mean to shoot or not, does not mandate whether you have the right to be traumatized by it, you’re traumatized by default, from being held in a death threat. It’s exactly what they want you to be, terrified out of your mind, believing you’re about to die, so that they can take control of your actions and get whatever they want out of you.

So it doesn’t matter if the abusers didn’t have an intent to follow thru. The threat for you was real, just as was your survival response that allowed them control. Every single threat is real to you, even the one they said laughing, even the one they claim later was a joke. They didn’t say it for no reason. They wanted for you to be threatened and unable to escape from their control.

This has never occurred to me before. I was diagnosed with Adult ADD when I was around 40. I'm not medicated for it, and manage it with minimal effort when things are good. When a lot of trauma is going on around me, it gets difficult to focus and I have racing thoughts and lose the ability to sleep. How do the words on this page ring true for you? In what way do you feel the need to remain hypervigilant, always aware of the next threat?

#tellyourstory, #mentalhealth, #abuserecovery, #mentalabuse, #abusesurvivor, #narcissisticabuse, #recoveringfromnarcissism

On days you feel exhausted but frustrated because you feel like you haven’t done anything to be this tired, think about these things:

How longe since you’ve had a good night’s sleep? No nightmares, no waking up multiple times, actually going to bed early, not having insomnia, actually waking up feeling rested and ready to face the day?

How long has it been since you ate a properly nutritious and wholesome meal?

How long since you’ve taken a break from work without thinking about all the work you will have to do later?

Are you currently fighting any illness? Remember your body takes energy to recover.

Are you really “doing nothing” if you are constantly overthinking the fact you feel unproductive, if you are constantly stressed with the things you do and don’t do?

Have you had bad/no social interaction lately?

Are you in any physical or mental pain?

Are you taking care of everyone but yourself?

Does trying to live during a pandemic and world crisis brings you worry and stress?

Are you feeling anguish over all the burdens you have to carry but don’t seem to be able to do everything you feel like you should be doing?

Are you constantly worried? Anxious?

It doesn’t feel like you have been doing nothing now, does it? It feels like you have a lot going on that you have to deal with daily, even when you don’t consciously notice it. There is a lot of stress inducing factors around you and struggling is okay.

It is not easy to be human sometimes, so please, don’t pressure yourself so much when you are already trying to cope. If it feels like everything is too heavy, please ask for help.

Please take care of yourself. 🌱

Here I Am...

I’m here. I’m here to do it, to write about the hard stuff. I’m ready. Kind of… But what does a person do when they want to own it, but can’t completely come out of the dark with it? There’s too much at stake. He has me in his grip until further notice and there’s nothing I can do about it. So I’ll write in secrit.

There’s too much at stake. There’s too much to lose. My abuser is paying for my child to go to college. We can’t afford it. My abuser heads up a major organization that my spouse sits on the board for. I can’t ruin that. My abuser holds a high socioeconomic position that feeds his sense of reputation. Threaten that and I’m as good as dead to him. I can’t handle that. My abuser’s narcissism will lead to absolute denial of any wrong-doing on his part. I won’t survive that. A confrontation will not resolve pleasantly. He will see my claims as the affront. He will declare they are lies. And how can I possibly prove anything? When I reach this point, I start to believe he was right. I start to believe I am too far broken to ever be strong. I start to believe I am weak. Do I really qualify as a survivor if I can’t even talk about it?

I didn't realize until now that this is still happening!! His wife does this constantly!!! Promises big trips and fancy expensive things, but we never get them. They are never forthcoming with what they promise.