reserwrekt - Tumblr blog

reserwrekt · 4 months

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twitter is good for showing me how they do things to hedgehogs for example anesthesia & x-rays

#old fashioned hot water bottle

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reserwrekt · 5 months

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Although ramen is making me feel like I'm having a heart attack after I eat it, I'm still eating it bc I'm poor.

#personal #text #spoonie #i was already warned to change my diet like 5 months ago

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reserwrekt · 5 months

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i'm seeing a lot of new ppl join tumblr who aren't making any spontaneous semi pathetic, oversharing personal textposts whatsoever and i just want to say you're doing it all wrong... this is not like instagram like meant to be some shiny highlight reel used to make u look good its supposed to be an incriminatingly revealing dark intimate look into your life & inner psyche while simultaneously no one knows who u are or gives a fuck... anyway hope this helps some of u get on the right track

#text

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reserwrekt · 5 months

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Trying to recover from 3 year agoraphobia bc chronic illness and ocd. I had to do something unexpectedly because I have time blindness and totally forgot I had an appointment yesterday. It was our endo appointment and I scheduled it w my t4t.

I had got a reminder just a couple hours before so I started to freak out because I haven't driven since June.

I did a lot of breathing techniques beforehand but tbh what helped me the most was listening to Drew Monson's music that has a calm sound to it.

I freaked out the whole first 30 minute drive but I did okay, only messed up a little once.

When we got there I was so proud of myself that I used the high from it to make the drive home a bit less scary.

We got so lucky because the office was empty and that never happens.

Tbh if the appointment was only for me, I probably wouldn't have gone... but my phobia is why I canceled the last two appointments I had, meaning if I canceled this one- I'd lose my dr... and hormones...

I'm not proud that it took a pretty dire threat to my emotional well-being for me to get up and go, and tbh my partner was a big factor, too. I could do something like that to myself, and hate myself over it. But I couldn't do something like that to someone else, so we went.

A couple weeks ago I got my car fixed and running, which meant I had to wait around outside my apartment for a while.. during that time, my neighbor threatened me for parking in "his parking spot" when he doesn't even have a car currently and there's no assigned parking....

Then I got sick probably from being stressed about it, but I'm glad I did it... I had to.

I think I'm getting sick now, probably from going out. That's the thing, I literally get sick every time I'm stressed and I get stressed so easily..

I'm still happy I'm making progress, I just wish it was better.. the perfectionist in me is very annoying.

I'm trying to prepare myself to return to some kind of work because it's pretty clear that no one is going to rescue me, and as always, I'm alone in this. It's terrifying tbh and I ve been having a lot of nightmares about it. But when I think of my cat, I'm feeling pretty determined. My anxiety costed someone's life before... they asked me to pick them up so they didn't use drugs but I didn't have a license and I didn't know it was for that reason and I was new to driving still... it's the biggest regret of my life.

They passed away that night. Nov 18th 2018.

That was my brother. We were really close..

#personal #vent #journal #death mention #ptsd #tw #agoraphobia

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reserwrekt · 5 months

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Today I found lumps on her abdomen. Reblogs are more helpful than likes. I'm pretty much a fucking mess over it.

Ven mo @ kittyzibby

I'm just a very desperate disabled person doing their best to take care of an elderly disabled cat.

#cat #cats #spoonie #disabled #crowdfunding #crowd funding #signal boost #black cat #pet help #disability #black cats #diabetes #diabetic cat #ckd #kitty #vet #petbills #pet bills #financial aid

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reserwrekt · 6 months

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I don't know if it's a flare up or what but everything hurts and fevers are coming and going and it's hard to breathe and my tonsils are bleeding

I'm not having a good time

#why always when i have something to do #my resting hr is 90-100 but fevers not above 100 yet #being chronically ill is having symptoms they tell you to go to the er for but knowing it'll cost a lot of spoons #and you don't want to go for nothing #spoonie #personal #vent

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reserwrekt · 6 months

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reserwrekt · 6 months

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But what if I've felt like I'm too traumatized to have friends, practically since I was born?

#ptsd #cptsd #being afab and constsntly yelled at for everything especially my autistic traits #being given away and given up on like a puppy that ppl view as an object #never living anywhere longer than a year a constant chsnging school environment #never knowing where i was going to be next year or what foster family I'll get this time #foster parents were shitty towards me #ive been kicked while i was already down so many times. every big life trauma from kidnapping to csa to best friend passing away #people used my brother passing away as a reason to leave me? because they did fucking nothing and although i never pointed it out #they knew it. they abandoned both of us and saw one die and then abandoned me too #ive literally never done anything but stand up for them and k myself for them and im tired of finding people #who say they can love me and they treat me like i don't exist. oh im not your vacation friend. or your craft friend.. or holiday friend..#i just feel like this is the rest of my life #and i feel truly alone and i haven't known how to cope. i don't know anyone else who spent their entire childhood in foster care and hospita #and the people i did know are in a different place than me as in violent and acting out and refuse to process things #last time i felt like this i started acting in a way i didn't like- not violent but just in a way i didn't like.#i feel like the only way to avoid reverting back is to isolate #personal #vent

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reserwrekt · 6 months

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unstoppable force (wanting to be the kindest version of myself) vs unmovable object (all the anger and hatred I have inside myself)

#text

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reserwrekt · 6 months

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Yeah I have bpd and autism and adhd. (A paragraph of 7000 pages of my extensive hospitalization records from when I was in foster care)

#vent #this was from 09 #i was 12 #personal #text #undiagnosed autism is why they justified being so awful to me #im only going through it in therapy because it would be dangerous for me to process my paper work alone #context is i retrieved all my records from the orphanage so i can sue the state for mishandling my case hoping id die #autism #bpd

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reserwrekt · 6 months

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No fucking WAYYYYYY YOUTUBE CHANGED THEIR TOS TO AVOID PUNISHING SSSNIPERWOLF FOR DOXXING

#I've been following this because again it shows how the future of YouTube is going to go #this feels somewhat like Twitch behavior im convinced these sites are ran by simp tech nerds that hang out on tight wing reddit #the maturity level gives it away #im also convinced its not just bc she makes them money it feels more personal than that #she fucking knows someone on the inside #she's not talking to bots like the rest of the creators

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reserwrekt · 6 months

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No, like. I do this thing where I chew on plastic and zone out to peppa pig as a way to cope because when I was a child, I was never allowed to be a child.

Gross ass dude: u should s3xu@lize that

Me, 14, talking to a 22 year old man: "lol u wouldn't like me because I go through life pretending I'm a cat person"

His gross ass: u should s3xu@lize that

#tw csa #tw sa #me at 26: oh im autistic and i maladaptive daydream #oh im kin #oh #me at 18 thinking no one would ever love me like that pedo bc hes the only person who let me unmask #but only for his own selfish predatory reasons #me as an 18 year old spending the entire day nonverbal only communicating in meows amd hisses and scratching #him trying to make it a hot mood and instead im disgusted lol #trauma dump

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reserwrekt · 6 months

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there's no shovel emoji. no dirt mound emoji. no open grave emoji. they don't want us to express ourselves

#text

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reserwrekt · 6 months

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