Overall 2016 was a rollercoaster. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. It made me a stronger person. It made do hard things. It opened my eyes to the complexity of the human experience. It made me a better woman and it made me a better friend. It also showed me that I have some of the most precious people in the world. That it's okay to not be okay and let others care for you. Yesterday James came thru during one of my darkest hours. My bond will him is as strong as ever and the crazy of 2016 challenged us to make that happen. I love you so much my dearest friend. ✨ ps: December challenge- a year in review.

Pretty sure you guys are together, is that breaking a code of ethics for you agency?

Hey!Not sure what you mean by “together”? If you are referring to being together romantically we are not and never have been. We are friends and that does not break any code of ethics of our agency. 

Thanks for the question! 

What’s Next?

After talking with Nancy and taking time and space to reflect, we’ve decided that we’re taking a break from our joint blog. It was a really difficult decision and one that we’re still working through. I haven’t written in two weeks since we had the conversation but decided to post my latest post today to the blog as a final post (for now). 

Quilts.

It’s 2012 and I was getting ready to leave Cleveland to embark on a new journey in Chicago. A group of community leaders I had worked with for the past two years threw me a goodbye party at Marion Anita Gardner’s house in Mt. Pleasant, Cleveland, Ohio. The party was full of my favorite foods (chicken wings, Nita’s mom’s famous cake, and much more). Everyone gave me cards and well wishes; throughout the night we shared memories, we talked about some of greatest successes and challenges over the last two years working together, pursuing the fight for social justice and equity. It was an unusually reflective and emotional moment. We all cried and we are all laughed as we shared stories in a circle together. Toward the end of the night while everyone began to leave, Nita pulled me aside and gave me a big hug and said she had something for me that she had been working on for weeks since I told her I was leaving Cleveland. She came back with a beautiful handmade quilt. Nita explained the quilt in detail, showing me all of the different fabrics and patterns she used and specifically noted a flower that she had stitched into a corner as a reminder of the time I visited her in the hospital and brought her flowers when she was ill almost 18 months earlier. It was without a doubt a very special and sentimental moment. Yet as Nita gave me the quilt, I could not help but thinking that the quilt itself was not very warm and was not actually long enough for me to actually use. Despite my perceived lack of practical use I was humbled by the sentiment of the gift and Nita sharing a visual representation she made of our relationship for me to take as I moved on in my journey. 

That was almost five years ago, and over the years I have kept the quilt, I have tried to lay it on my bed and my couch, and have made sure to take extra care and concern with the special gift Nita made for me though it had no real practical use and I felt it never actually fit anywhere. I kept thinking why a quilt, especially if it wasn’t actually long enough for me to use. That was until yesterday when I was visiting The Harvey B. Gantt Center for African-American Arts + Culture and came across an exhibition on quilts and the importance of quilts to the African American community and a wave of new emotion hit me. All these years I had been thinking about the quilt completely wrong. 

As I read about the exhibit I came across the following quote: 

“Quilts have long been used in African American life as both functional and symbolic objects, and catalysts for social interaction among women. Traditional quilt making has evolved into artistic expression, hung from walls rather than covering beds, and many fine artists have been inspired by them.” 

The quilt was not a gift for me to actual use as a cover or to lay on my bed. Not only was the quilt a reflection on the past two years together, it was more importantly Nita’s way symbolic object representing her love and care for me. It was Nita’s way of sending me off to Chicago without her, keeping a piece of her with me on this new, scary, and challenging journey. It was Nita continuing to check up on me, let me know she’s there, and that everything will be alright. What a thoughtful and powerful statement from such a special woman. Yet this whole time all I could think of was my perceived deficiencies of the quilt. So what does it all mean and why write a blog post five years later about a quilt? There are many reasons, first and foremost as a special thank you to Nita for such a special and thoughtful gift that after all these years I haven’t forgotten. Secondly, as a way to process my experience, remember Nita, and reflect on life over the past several years. But the quilt is also a metaphor about how we don’t know the meaning behind people’s actions and that our own judgements and perceptions about those actions can be not only dangerous but also problematic. If we make decisions about someone’s intent and then react accordingly we can miss their action in it’s entirety. Like Nita’s quilt all I could think about is how I was never going to be able to actually use the quilt until I realized it’s use was not as a cover but as a symbol, as a symbol of love, care, and concern. It was Nita’s way of continuing to watch over me. And if we fail to see this than we can lose the specialness of that person’s actions. So this week’s blog post is a reminder and warning that we cannot assume intent and that we won’t always know why something happens but we need to have faith and understanding that we won’t always have all the answers. 

As I return back to Chicago tonight, I am excited to finally hang the quilt on my wall and finally use Nita’s quilt. 

Ind.

When I read James’ poem I was reminded of my favorite poem Invictus by William Earnest Henley. Here’s my favorite line:

“I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” 

Yesterday was the end my time with NWSHC. I’m looking all the cards and gifts and I’m absolutely grateful at the love shown to me by my coworkers these last couple of weeks. I should note that I got a fancy light-up vanity mirror.  WUT.

So now it’s Saturday October 1, 2016. The first day of my neutral zone. Two weeks of having no work identity and in our society that’s a pretty big deal. We define ourselves by what we do and for a while I’ll be stripped of that. I’m curious and excited about this time. 

page

I’m still reading Transitions and it’s been my saving grace. In the past I’ve been so hard on myself when things have dismantled around me. Reading this book has given me great tools and advice on navigating this murky process of changing the cadence of my life. I’ve also been reading my friend Jacob’s blog. Jacob wins the internet by being incredibly witty and poignant. However he got off the grid and pretty much shunned us lol. I found his blog via his wife and learned that he’s doing some important emotional work and that he needed to be on his own to do so. While this sucks for us on the receiving end I have mad respect for his process. I trust that he’ll come back to us when he’s ready. (I’m stealing this format from his blog fyi)

song

I’m a sucker for this fucking song. I heard it yesterday for the first time and I’ve played it at least 35x. It’s girly, crushy, synthy, playful, and so damn good. Apple Music also recommended this 2Chainz song and that was my obsession last week. I guess I’m seeing a pattern of that for the upcoming weeks. Music is an obsession I can handle. Also this part of the blog makes me feel like a hypocrite because I was bogus to James about his post on songs. Eek! 

screen

I don’t do TV or movies (I was clearly born in the wrong century) but I’m hoping that I’ll follow thru and watch Deepwater Horizon. Gina Rodriguez (aka Jane the Virgin) got a lot of press about it and my girl Vanessa and I still talk shit about her for being bogus when we met her at her apartment but here I am about to give her my money. -_____-

I’ve given a lot of thought about what to do regarding our blog. I’ve thought about reimagining it’s purpose, figuring out a new schedule etc. But then I realized I need to do some soul searching work of/on my own. I need venture out and figure out some big (therapy) questions by myself. Writing is how I process. So I decided that in terms of blogging I’ll be hanging out here. I also wanted to make sure that this blog wasn’t the constant in my relationship with James. That if and when I have something to share, I share it directly with him.

I can’t predict these coming weeks. But I’ll share my expectations:

1. Keep the curiosity. That the constant be our nature of asking “what does this mean”. That our friendship gets formed in person, in new ways. That we don’t play the “well he didn’t/she didn’t so I didn’t” game.

2. To remain real. Even when it’s tough. That if something feels off to say it ideally in real time. And if one of us is being the most to remind the other that we are aiming for much better than our defaults. Especially now when the unpredictable creates anxiety and old habits look enticing and easy.

3. That we continue and foster our creativity in our own lives. That we have cool things to share with each other that were prompted on our own but that we can also get together on a Sunday and be prepared to do some joint blogging, crafting, collaging, etc.  

4. To trust the process. 

NV

Journey

What I’ve been Listening To #100

Decided to switch it up this week and deviate a little from recent posts and list some of the songs I have been listening this week and can’t stop playing. Give em a listen when you have some time: 

1. Signs of Light-The Head of the Heart 

2. Ego Killed Romance- Kweku Collins ft. Jamila Woods

3.  There Will Be Time- Mumford & Sons, Baaba Maal

4. Faithful- Meshell Ndegeocello

5. Nikes-Frank Ocean

What IS next?

You know, imma keep it real. This past week was normal (PRAISE GOD) in comparison to the last. Last week was weird as hell. Some personal/therapy shit is always happening lately that causes me to pause and feel and etcetera but last week had a thick layer of awkwardness. I was like welp I guess this is it. But my psychoanalytical brain told me that it was my subconscious (and maybe James’ as well?) that was just self-preserving. I hope I’m right.

But in terms of this question, this week was such a good reminder about why I choose to have James in my life. I don’t need anything from him. And frankly what I need he’s not able to give me. I’m a needy mf’er who needs 200% of people’s attention. He’s got the shortest attention span ever & gets too easily distracted. And of course it’s been better but I also have people who meet that need. But I choose to have him in my life for these reasons:

He’s got no filter. 

I mean no filter. And I think that’s what caught my attention about him. He keeps it 100 and these past couple of weeks he’s been a different kind of real. He was cool and collected when he called me out on some passive behavior I was doing. I honestly didn’t notice how often I did this but he pointed it out in real time. Afterwards I couldn’t recall anyone in my life who’d do that. No one else has been that genuine and honest in real time. I appreciate that and want more of that in my life. I choose to have him because like he said, we can be there for each other in ways that we both know how to be. 

He’s a lot of what I’m not. 

He’s unbelievably organized. All of the spaces he holds are just beautifully put together. He truly has a gift for arranging things in a way that just brings peace- I’m seriously going to miss him rearranging my desk. WAH! He’s also goal-oriented. He’s detailed. DETAILED. And he has an incredible work ethic. I’ve learned SO much from him-- I can now give an elevator speech on basically anything. “Why do I do XYZ? That’s a really good question. Here are the three reasons why.” And my ability to see cycles/patterns has only improved by being around him. (And Vanessa- our insanely intuitive coworker :)

He’s open-minded. 

I’ve known him for three years now and most people don’t see how open minded he can be. I remember telling a coworker about this and the coworker wouldn’t budge. This person was sure that James’ wasn’t malleable, that he was too set in his ways. I insisted that he was open and open to change. And he is. It may take a while but he’s listening. I think he’s way too curious to ignore the possibility of learning new and creative ways to live. 

Having said that I still don’t know what’s next. What is our friendship going to look like? I don’t know yet. But what I’m learning is that if intentionality and mutual respect to the new people we’re becoming is in place than the answer will eventually emerge. Along with some boundaries and negotiation (thanks Transitions book!) it can work out in the new way it’s meant to be. 

But I’m calling this: if we are open and curious our friendship will help us get to the places we want to go. I see great things in each of our lives and I know that we can each be propelling forces that can keep move us moving forward. We each bring gifts and challenges that the other person benefits from. 

Here’s to the next chapter of our lives. 

Whats next?

I dont know. The end. Just kidding, well really I'm not, things feel and are different, and we still haven't stopped working together. So honestly, I dont know whats next and what the transition will look like but I can and do have hopes so here is what they are: 1. Nancy and I remain constant in each others lives. We continue to be present for each other in ways that we both know how to be. We will do our personal bests to stay connected. We wont forget about each other or the past three years of our lives. We wont make it weird when we do see each other. 2. We continue to challenge each other, we wont let each other get away with shit, we wont stop blogging, we wont stop creating, we wont stop thinking. And we will love each other enough to call each other out on our shit when we do. We wont let each other "get away with it". We will remind each other what we are capable of and will hope we achieve it but not force it, if it doesn't happen. 3. We will continue to do all things creative; we will do things differently both separate and together. We will be uniquely ourselves. We will make colleagues on a random Sunday afternoon, we will sleep in hammocks, and we will road trip to the middle of nowhere. We wont compromise our creative because its easy. We will remind each other about the creative spirit that lives in us both. These hopes may seem lofty or they may seem unspecific. Honestly, I'm not sure what they look like nor do I care. They are my hopes and they are what I think we are both capable of and what will help both of us moving forward. Heres to transitions.

Transition

tran·si·tiontranˈziSH(ə)n, tranˈsiSH(ə)n/

noun

noun: transition; plural noun: transitions

1.the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. "a changed woman in transition from one life to another" synonyms: change, passage, move, transformation, conversion, metamorphosis, alteration, handover, changeover 

a passage in a piece of writing that smoothly connects two topics or sections to each other.

MUSIC: a momentary modulation from one key to another.

PHYSICS: a change of an atom, nucleus, electron, etc., from one quantum state to another, with emission or absorption of radiation.

verb NORTH AMERICAN

verb: transition; She is currently in transition.

3rd person present: transitions; As he transitions, he leaves his unknown past behind.

past tense: transitioned; She has transitioned her mind but not her body.

past participle: transitioned; Has he really transitioned or he stuck in some middle?

gerund or present participle: transitioning; Transitioning has proved to be too difficult.

 undergo or cause to undergo a process or period of transition."this all ought to be questioned, and then transitioned into its rightful place"

ART AS VISUAL REPRESENTATION Transitions, the uncomfortable feeling of being in between, of ending, of beginning, of not knowing where. Throughout my recent journey, I have been learning how to re-feel and how to re-understand what I do and don't like and I had this nagging feeling of creative void all week. I texted Nancy Friday morning, "I just want to do something creative, I want to do something artistic." Yesterdays creative artistic exploration was a way of retraining myself how to use healthy and positive mediums to cope. Instead of drinking or engaging in other risky behavior we created. We used art to reflect and to heal. It was powerful. My art focused on the intersection of identity and transition and how we define ourselves and the juxtaposition of how we let others define us. It was literally converging forces (horizontal and vertical text) coming together. Its where these forces come together; its on the margins where we live. Its here we find ourselves and our identity.

Sunday Funday

After a terrible start to the weekend of being comatose for 28 hours, today brought about a much needed break from the crazy health scare and otherwise usual routine. Our friend Luis prompted us to have unexpected but highly welcomed collage making session. 

James suggested we had an art making day but later feel asleep as we were planning where to meet -__- Luckily Luis had also suggested to hang out and had us meet at the coffee shop right next to James’ apt. How convenient! ;) 

We weren’t really prepared for this artistic endeavor but luckily our friend Matt saved the day by bringing scissors and tape. Huge thanks to Dollop for providing the magazines and newspapers. And sorry to the people who sat next to us as pieces of paper flew on their faces. 

It really was super fun to cut pieces of paper and glue them together. I took a nonchalant approach to my collage but eerily found that all of the images I randomly chose mirrored each other. Two TV’s, two suns, two men, two women, two birds. I found this to be really weird but James saw it as a visual representation of balance. Which I’ll take. 

Today was proof that what’s meant to be will come to be. Artsy Sunday was a success. 🎨

THIS IS MY TIMELINE YO... Can you figure it out?

Why Can't I Write????

HELP! So this blog thing has been going on for months now and for the first time I broke the rules. I didn't write. It's been over a week (almost two weeks TBH) and I didn't write anything, didn't even post a picture, or a quote, nothing.. I have been paralyzed by the fact that I did not write, like Nancy said, am I so upset out of obligation? Commitment? Breaking the Rules? (Disclaimer: If you don't know I break a lot of rules all the time, so it's not the breaking the rules part that is so upsetting, it's the not writing part). Over the past several months, this blog is what has remained constant, it's what's been there. It's helped me process everything that's going on around me, it's helped me to feel, it's helped me to think, and it's even helped me cry. Point is it's helped and for the past two weeks I did not turn to it to help. Why? I hit writers block early on in the week so I set an appointment on my calendar to write, I woke up one morning determined to not end the day without writing, I went to a coffee shop to write, I got out a pen and paper to write on paper yet each time I could not write. As I think about why I couldn't write I think it's because I was not ready to write. The past two weeks have been intense, therapy has started to heat up and we're talking about some real shit and I am realizing more and more about myself, realizing things that I like and things that scare the shit out of me. The whole process has been overwhelming. As someone who has never used the word overwhelmed, I am still hesitant as I type this, am I really, finally, for the first time overwhelmed? Has being overwhelmed caused me not to write? Doesn't everyone feel overwhelmed? How did that stop me from writing? Someone recently told me, "God (or insert your higher power) whispers before s/he screams." I guess there have been a lot of whispers and there is finally a scream. I am finally starting to feel again and it's a mess. I've been told by friends, colleagues, and random strangers I look sad or lost. People have been asking me if I am angry or if I'm okay. I have had the sweats, the chills, my stomach has been in knots, I've cried, I've yelled, I have finally had a range of emotions. I am no longer hiding my emotions or feelings, no longer ignoring the whispers or what I feel. Having true genuine emotions and feelings has proved much more overwhelming that I thought it would and I have been having a really hard time adjusting. I am trying hard to get back on track with a solid healthy diet and can't, I have been trying to stop binge drinking and I can't, I have been trying to stop other risky behavior and I can't. I am using these high risk behaviors as mechanisms to create a certain feeling or in this case to relate the absence of any feeling. I am desperately trying to erase my own ability to feel and go back to living my life with blinders on. The crazy part is that I cannot. I CANNOT GO BACK. The floodgates have opened and no matter how much I drink, party, try to ignore, try to forget I cannot. I feel. This shit is crazy, the feelings have caused me to take naps in the middle of the day, cancel plans, tell my family I need a break and I cannot be around them because they are giving me a headache. it's caused me to stop texting people that I love because I know they are no good for me. It's caused me to block people on social media and on my phone because I know they serve no purpose in my life. It's caused me to tell close friends I love them more and more. It's caused me to listen to songs on repeat for hours. It's caused me to finally start understating what I like and want to do and what I don't like and don't want to do. Despite my efforts to desperately try to erase my feelings I know this; deep down I need to feel in order to be fully human. Oh, and I still owe ya'll a timeline...that's coming next. JR

Habit or Commitment/An unruly timeline ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m not quite sure what the discomfort was/is. But the last few days I’ve felt this nagging feeling from not writing a blog post this past week. Is it out of habit out out of commitment that I’m doing this? I don’t know. And I don’t care because as I’m typing this post I can already feel comforted by knowing that I got it done w/o another 24 passing me by. Sup. But real talk I moved my entire apartment last week and now my life is living in a garage. But no excuses. I broke our rule and I want to make it right. 

As we mentioned last week this series is about transitions. This weeks post is a timeline. And because I like to complicate stuff and make life more fun I made a timeline that looks like this! (Start at the end.)

My brain works in mysterious ways but I’m okay with that and happy with this timeline. Because it honors a beginning that I never considered but in light of the quote I posted last week, it makes complete sense. 

When I was doodling this I realized that the details on a lot of stuff are failing me (surprise). But I am now even more sure of this: You never know what tiny actions might bring the most major impacts. Meeting a girl at camp, bonding over pink hair, maintaining that relationship over the years, and the loyalty of friends to post/repost/repost are all actions that have changed my life and relationships. C R A Z Y.