Feeling like garbage and eating a hot bowl of oatmeal is really nice 🥰

I'm coming around to understand that the reason I am filled with so much shame are because I feel both

1) like my family (extended included) are ashamed to associate with me

And

2) I'm extremely ashamed/embarrassed of my family of origin (extended included)

Still working on detaching from these feelings, or at least processing them

She only says the things she does because it's easy for her to project her negative emotions onto me.

I'm not a bad person.

I'm not a failure.

I'm not less than.

I deserve to have my voice heard too.

I just practiced an exercise in relieving my anger in a healthy way and after I was done shouting as angrily and loudly as I wanted I was surprised at how much energy I'd used up.

I was penting up a really big load of energy. Still a little winded 😂

I'm going to find safe times to express my anger because I was holding in so much energy. Very eye opening.

Love that the detective in the film I'm watching has deduced murder victims have been shot in the dick = the murderer is a woman

He's right but LOL dude....

last night I had a dream that I met Bill and Ted, and I complimented Bills crop top and said something about how I would wear crop tops if my body was less bogus and he put a hand on my shoulder and said “what’s truly bogus is the way you think about yourself” and Ted nodded solemnly and then I woke up

my brain when the outfit comes out just like I saw it in my head

⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 　　　　　　*　　　　　　　　　　　. .　　　　☾　　　　　　　　　. 　　✦⠀　,　 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀.　　　　　 　　⠀　　　⠀.　 　　˚　　　⠀　⠀  　　,　　　　　　. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　. 　　　　　　*⠀　　⠀  ✮　　　　　

⠀✦⠀　 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　. 　　　　.　　　　.　　　⠀ 　　　　✩　　　　　　　. 　　　　　　

　✴ 　　　˚　　　　　　　　ﾟ　　　　　. 　.⠀　　⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀, 　　　*　　⠀.★ 　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　

⠀✦ 　˚　　　　　　　　　　　　　　*　　　　　

Doing a small celebration post <3

I've just completed 3/4 of a 4 part series fic!!!

Still in the drafts, but I COMPLETED the third fic! I tend to struggle with endings, so I am feeling proud!

I love when I get ideas on how to end the story, and when I'm writing the ending, it's all coming together and I just....find the ending.

SUCH A GREAT FEELING

They used to never come at all. I'd either give up on a fic and leave it incomplete or I write an ending I'm not satisfied with because I felt like the story really meandered toward the end (but I didn't know how to improve it/was too burned out to want to improve it).

But in more recent years, it's AMAZING when I get past that giant hill of trying to figure out the ending and the trot down that hill is still a lot of work, but goodness, the relief of seeing the end in sight is...AMAZING.

I had a dream about skating.

I've been wanting to skate for a long time but something always came up.

Right now, I'm just finding excuses not to buy the roller skates and pads. I have reward cash on one of my cards that will cover the cost of the skates and a helmet.

In my dream I was skating and it was so natural how I glided around.

I know in reality I'm going to be shaky and fall a lot.

But I do want to skate.

It was one of the few physical activities I was decent/good at when I was a kid. I didn't skate enough though.

I want to use my time now to learn how to skate so it can be a physical activity I can enjoy.

Neurodivergent people love pacific rim bc its basic theses are “two besties who share a braincell can pilot a mecha” and “what if crab was big”

Letting go of some of my resentment, I do have to say, my relationship as an adult with my parents is very different from when I was young. Not to say it's "better" or that I forgave and forgot. Life is complicated and so are the relationships we have.

I watched a video short where a mother was teaching her stepdaughter how to make Mexican rice, and I thought about when I was in my 20s - where I began to ask my mom how to cook certain dishes.

Without even really knowing that it was happening, I bonded with my mom over cooking. She gave me good tips, was patient with me when I asked her questions. She wasn't mean or resentful when she was teaching me how to cook.

My mom isn't "the best" but she's not "the worst" either.

She's my mom and I can be really hard on her shortcomings (which she deserves) but she can be good company too.

Also, funny story, she had no idea my best friend and I were blazed out of our minds when she was teaching us how to make stuffed chicken wings (I was probably around 27??). My best friend was like super chef cutting the bones out of the wings. I kept cutting holes into the skin XD

At one point I was like, "why is this so hard to cut??" and I'd cut the 3 bones out already, I was trying to cut into the tip ToT my best friend and I laughed over that.

My mom left us alone to do our thing after she showed us how she cut the bones out of a couple wings so it wasn't like she really saw how high we were. She even made the stuffing for us even though I know how to make the stuffing (a lifetime of helping my mom make eggrolls and stuffed chicken wings, I am a pro at making meat stuffing!!).

I miss cooking. One big thing I look forward to living alone and having a space to call my own is to have full control of the kitchen. <3 I miss my parents' kitchen (not so much the cleanup and maintenance that came with a big kitchen lol).

A lot clicked for me when my mom said the reason she was so reactive towards me as a kid was that she assumed intent behind things I did, rather than recognizing my behaviors for being normal kid behaviors or normal autism behaviors. So I got treated as if I was an adult who was intentionally doing things to upset her. She'd react to me like I had the maturity and wherewithal to do things in a cruel or manipulative way, making her life harder, when I was just existing. Just trying to learn how to cope and be a person myself. When she told me this I stopped in my tracks trying to process. Why would anyone's default assumption be that a kid is trying to antagonize them instead of like, struggling with something they're experiencing? But she was also raised the exact same way, treated like everything she did carried the weight of adult responsibility, not seen as a kid.

the adhd kids missing the deadline but saving the day anyway is so personal to me actually

me: *calls myself a writer*

also me: *doesn't write anything*

everyone else: