maybe they’ll love me when im bleeding out

i fantasize about my death a lot

I low-key wanna attempt suicide just so i can get admitted to a hospital and people can actually know that im not okay and care for me a bit, im just tired of pretending to be okay all the time.

You know, you hurt me, right? The things you say whenever I am in my head hurt me tremendously. Why do you say those things, even though you felt the same way in your childhood? Why do you not care anymore, like genuinely care? You used to; even cried the first time you took me to a counselor. Saying how it is just so sad that someone so young wants to die. Was it all an act just to get attention? Where did that empathy go? Did you realize how useless I am? How hopeless. Have you given up on me? 

Do you see what you do to me? How much pain you cause me? Everytime you open that mouth I dig the hole I want to come out of, deeper. The self-loathing that overcomes me is building higher and higher. Sometimes it gets so high it comes crashing down and I break down. I break so much I want to die. But, I can’t do that because I don’t want to leave my family in sorrow and pain. So, I hurt myself. I do it again and again, the pain and blood surrounding me until I become numb. 

The tears that fall down my cheeks burn me. I feel ashamed for feeling this way when I am the one that makes everyone around me miserable. Why should I feel something so selfish? 

I'm such a fucking failure..being a nuisance to everybody that I come into contact with.

I just love how you leave me alone to fend for myself.

Will I ever stop feeling so empty?

I can't do this shit. I'm back to square one.

I can't do shit right...I might as well die. I make everyone's life worse.

That moment when even your own mother doesn't give a shit that you're literally fucking hurting inside. That you are struggling. That you can't even shave without wanting to press just a little but harder, or holding a knife and having to withstand stabbing yourself in the stomach..That every minor inconvenience causes you to go into a self-deprecating spiral...but she tells you she loves you even when she's the one who makes you want to kill yourself because she calls you attention seeking and that she hopes something traumatic happens to you because nothing, absolutely nothing fucking happened to you in your whole life so you're not valid...But she fucking loves you right? Right?! And even then you still love her, you still fucking love her. You're fucking stupid.

I'M SO FUCKING STUPID!

Guess who just fucking relapsed..

I want to fucking bleed.

I don't think most people understand the urge to kill yourself every time you do something wrong

Am I faking it? Have I been hurting for no reason other then to get attention?

My mind is plagued by the thought of you.

im writing a mini story heres your tw now

Normal people don't feel that itching sensation gather in their finger tips prickling there skin when there eyes glance at sharp points and edges do they? They don't feel the tingling and humming of the tender flesh on their arms and thighs calling for the edge of blades do they? No they don't feel their heart starting to flutter like a tiny, weak, caged bird paniking when someone mentions their name. They don't, they can't... because im a normal person. Aren't I ?