I’m doing my best not to relapse on s3lf h@rm rn and it’s getting more and more difficult. I don’t know if I can hold out much longer… I caught myself about to make kms jokes and I haven’t done that in yearssss. I’m not close to anyone and stopped going to therapy. I thought I lost myself while in an abusive relationship but really I’m losing myself in isolation. In keeping quiet.. but I can’t bring myself to the light because every time I have I’ve been burned. I’ve used sunscreen, clothing and every other protection but there has to be something wrong with me. At my core I’m fucked up and just made on earth as a little doll to mold and play with. Not to love and care for. I’ve done everything and now there’s nothing left. I throw myself at men and drugs trying to feel something different. And idk how to explain it, I know I shouldn’t and a part of me doesn’t want to but I’m avoiding that hurt of being vulnerable. Of being hurt and rejected by those I’d bend backwards for. With the men and drugs I tell myself I have control and therefore can the hurt. I can control my emotions and avoid everything else. And even then I know a part of me knows that none of that is true…

I just want to say if you’ve made it this far and have ever felt even a bit of something similar or just struggling in general I want to say I’m sorry. We’re the ones that fight 100x than anyone else just to get the same task done. And fighting for your life everyday is the hardest thing a person can do. I love you.. I do really hope things get better for you and I fully believe we can make it there the night. And then we can come back and do it again tomorrow…

Didn’t think I’d be here again but here we are… I let my body go so bad and I wanna surprise my love ones when I finally move and become my own person. And look the way I want to as I do it. I don’t te love I can lose the weight any other way.

So I finally made the dream of living by myself so I can determine what and when I ate without anyone being nosy or worried over me but then I low key ruined it by telling my therapist I use food as a control factor so fml

I don’t wanna start again but it’s the only time he loves me, the only time where people thank me and be nice to me, it’s only time when I feel in control, feel pretty, feel less stress and more happy, I just need to come up with good enough excuses, unfortunately it means I have to waste food that I slave for. I put so much in for nothing. I get nothing unless I’m starving. If I’m not pretty than I’m just a fat ugly girl that’s being too over emotional, when I’m skinny and pretty I get pity

Y’all when I say my depression hit hard and I feel like there’s no way I’ll ever get lower than my lw I mean it like what is this??? I was thinking I could totally do a body reveal maybe soon but I feel like I’m way too disgusting for it yet I can’t stop eating

I just got jealous of a ✨child’s✨ jawline

Sorry I haven’t posted in a bit I fell off the wagon and wasn’t allowing myself Tumblr till I got back where I left off so here I am hehe

I broke 200 lbs!! I’m finally lower!!!

Not me casually eating grapes like they mean nothing as I cut all my portion sizes in half to meal prep my lunch for tomorrow. 💀

Wrote a little something, please be nice, it’s still a work in progress:

Spinning round and round

Then lying on the ground

Staring into the sky

As clouds go by

Throwing my head back while the wind whooshes by in the car

Finally being able to get drinks in the bar

No more lonely nights

Feeling content and alright

I don’t know I was thinking of what it would be like out of my relationship and it’s such a scary thought but these words are the feeling I’ve been craving to feel lately

I’m two hours away from my first ever 24hr fast!!! I’ve been working and sleeping for most of it so I’m super excited and proud of myself!! The hunger pains are a bitch but water and working through is helping! Be safe!! Sending love!!

Breakfast during my fast! (Those are vitamins so I’ve upgraded lol) hopefully this will help with the temptations

Reblog if it's okay to befriend you, ask questions, ask for advice, rant, vent, let something off your chest, or just have a nice chat.

Breakfast and lunch while working 8hrs today! I won’t have to eat too much till dinner tonight!!

Finally fit an xl for skirts from hottopic so I’m really happy but I gotta make so much more progress before I can be pretty, I can do more and I’ll be working full time, it means I might lie more but it’s okay, saving money and fasting for most of the day I’ll be pretty easy peasy it’ll take just a few hungry days but I’ll leave and I’ll be okay once I’m ✨pretty✨

Finally exercised for the first time in a long while and it feels good! Here’s some thinspo to keep me motivated!

Dove Cameron is so fucking pretty and it looks so ✨effortless✨

I wanna fast but my love one got me some of my fav candy and he keeps making my fav foods knowing I don’t have the self control to resist and it fucking sucks. I had a plan and I’m too stupid to keep at it, sending love to everyone and pray I don’t fall back and have to start again.