Applications to join the Queerward Discord

We've noticed a lot of people asking where to find the link to join the discord. While we cannot safely justify having a floating link, the mod team has agreed that we can open entry to the general public. The discord is no longer limited to a know-someone basis. If you would like to join the discord, you can message @relatablemormonmoments @notsostraightandnarrow @vaguely-heavenly-things with this form: Name or nickname: Discord username: Age or general age: How I discovered Queerward: Sexuality: Gender Identity: Romantic Orientation: How long have I been out to myself: Am I out to others: If straight, am I willing to be an ally and leave discrimination at the door: Do I hold concerning biases, such as racism, homophobia, or sexism?: (y/n) If yes, am I willing to unlearn them: Do I get into fights on the internet: [regularly, only when important, never] Do I promise to follow Queerward rules: (y/n) Am I kind: (y/n) Am I interested in a server dedicated to LGBT+ Mormons: (y/n) Am I Mormon or associated with the Mormon community, including ex-mormon, post-mormon, Church of Christ?: By sending in this application, you are permitting the mods to scroll through the blog you message us from to check that you are a real person, not a troll, not homophobic, racist, or sexist, and that you tend to respect others online. We will not be accepting requests from blank blogs.

https://zelophehadsdaughters.com/2023/10/17/church-president-probabilities-2023-update/

Something I wish was emphasized more in the church was how not everyone can feel or recognize the Spirit, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you're broken, or that you're committing some grave sin, or that you have a lack of faith.

Growing up in the church, it seemed like everyone around me had daily spiritual experiences, while I had pretty much no spiritual experiences. Even now, as an adult, I can count the number of times I've felt/recognized the Spirit on one hand.

Growing up with seemingly everyone around me having these wonderful spiritual experiences that I didn't have was very hard on me. I felt like I was broken. I thought that I must have been doing something wrong because why else am I the only one who doesn't get promptings? Why else am I the only one who who will pray to know if something is true and never get a response or feeling or anything? It didn't help that so many leaders in the church would emphasize that sin can lead to the Spirit leaving you. I never heard any other reason for why someone might not feel the Spirit, not until I was much older.

I got a lot of comments that "everyone feels the Spirit differently. You just need to figure out how he speaks to you!" But even now, after learning how the Spirit speaks to me, I don't get promptings. I don't get answers or feelings. 99% of the time, it feels like there's nothing there.

I have since figured out that my neurodivergency and mental illnesses are a likely cause of this. I'm not broken, I'm not committing some awful sin. My brain just works differently. And that's okay! I just wish that someone had told me earlier that not everyone feels the Spirit, and it doesn't always have to do with their righteousness. Sometimes, your brain just works differently. And that's okay.

*professional wrestling announcer voice* and it looks like it's all over folks. The power team up of Sin and Death has won and the crowd is not happy about it. And, yep, S&D are strutting around the ring, taunting the crowd. Just bad sportsman in my opin-Wait...do you hear..what is that? Is that theme music? Who's song is that? Wait.. is that? It couldn't be! It is! JESUS CHRIST! IT'S THE SON OF GOD! WE ALL THOUGHT HE WAS TAKEN OUT BY PONTIUS P. PILOT THANKS TO THAT SURPRISE BETRAYAL BY JUDAS, BUT HE'S BACK! HE'S ON THE TOP ROPE! AND HE! LOOKS! PISSED!

Transgender Day of Visibility

Affirmation recently asked me to write a response to some questions on transgender visibility and they published those comments today in their monthly newsletter. If you ever wanted to see an irl picture, scroll down to the fourth response (but they are all worth reading!):

Affirmation is a wonderful organization that provides an acceptance-oriented space for those who are in the intersection of the LGBT and LDS communities. Affirmation is supportive of individual paths both within and outside the LDS church. I've really enjoyed their annual in-person and virtual conferences, which were great for seeing and meeting people like me.

I recently posted about trans couples who have children (and talked about how puberty blockers are safe). I have had 3 personal conversations with parents or relatives of trans kids in the last few months. They’re worried about the impact of life-long medical decisions they are making with doctors and their children - and that is understandable. One Mom said to me “It was easy to be supportive before, but now it’s me and my kid and it feels very different”.

Here are some things I would like to tell the parents of trans kids (purely my opinion and specifically on the trans-feminine side):

Social transitions are relatively free and easy to implement. If my AMAB child were transitioning, I would want them to walk a mile in those heels (or more) and see how she feels about every day life as a woman. The gender non-conforming umbrella is wide. Not everyone will want a full-time/complete binary transition. I have a genderfluid friend who likes spending time in both worlds and identifies as a crossdresser. She is a real and valid person. Detransition is also real and there should always be a way for the child to reverse course if this isn't for them. And in my opinion, the child needs to know that specifically. I might ask my child “If we moved far away to a place where folks didn’t know you, would you want to continue presenting this way or go back?”

I have spent significant amounts of time studying the subject, and believe puberty blockers are very safe. Leuprorelin has been administered to tens of thousands of kids (and even more adults), worldwide, for decades. No long-term cases of sterility/infertility have ever been recorded. Concerns about negative side effects or lack of natal pubertal transition tend to be hypothetical. I believe those potential negative consequences should be explored and puberty blockers should not be restricted until/when negative consequences are identified. We prescribe many medications, readily, with far more significant, and proven, negative side effects. As just one example, many anti-depressants have significant side effects and carry a 'black box' FDA warning. But we understand that some risk is acceptable in treating important underlying conditions with these drugs. Also, if your child stops taking puberty blockers, then no one will be able to tell they were ever on them in a few years.

The effects of ‘cross-sex’ hrt (hormone replacement therapy) are generally reversible, particularly for trans girls. A former trans girl who stops hrt will develop a masculine voice and primary/secondary sex characteristics just like any cis male. Trans men who went through female puberty and then transition are noted for passing and no one ever realizing. The same is far more true of AMAB individuals who identified as trans women and then detransitioned.

Gender confirmation surgery (aka: Sex reassignment surgery) is permanent and final, but that won’t be your decision to make or even participate in except as a counselor and friend, because your child will be a legal adult at that point.

I want to emphasize that detransitioning is real, and the pain of people who have detransitioned is real. Some people start down this path and realize it isn’t for them. I want to support those individuals with a way out that doesn't also close the doors for those for whom transition is the best course of action. Fortunately, most everything up until final surgeries is largely reversible.

Medical intervention for gender dysphoria can be a very good and important thing in a trans kid’s life. Not all the decisions will be yours to make as a parent. Many will be made with your child and the input of competent medical professionals.

And one other thing for parents of trans kids who read this blog: It will almost certainly work out. Your love and support will mean the world to your children.

Talking to a Trans Child

I recently had the opportunity to have lunch with @nerdygaymormon and the LDS parents of a trans-masc child I have never met (let's call him Darwin). Darwin is over the age of 18, currently living at home, and dealing with a diagnosed mental illness that can be very serious. They know Darwin is trans because the grapevine exists and some preferred name/pronouns paperwork that was left out.

I'm heartened when parents want to learn more and support their children. They know they're imperfect, inexperienced and in need of answers. They seem to be waiting for him to come out fully so they can be even more supportive. One of their central questions was how to broach the transgender topic more directly. They want more communication with their child and are committed to supporting them.

I can definitely understand Darwin's desire to avoid a conversation about trans topics with parents. I had to talk with my parents about circumstances around my birth and certain intersex related items not too long ago, and I still couldn't bring myself to tell them I am trans! It's a really difficult and vulnerable area.

So I suggested the parents try something like this

"We love you and we support you. If you don't want to talk about your gender identity with us, that's ok. We love you no matter what. We just want to open the door and let you know we are ready when you are, because we don't want you thinking we would be unsupportive of you in any way. We love you and we're here for you."

There are probably better ways to say that. What I like about this path is the way it comes with assurances of support and love, let's their child know they are on team Darwin, preserves the child's autonomy, and provides the best possible reason for opening the door to a conversation: "we don't want you to think we don't support you"

When you're struggling to fit in, you have to find the places where you feel like you belong. Because they're not gonna find you.

- Karamo Brown, Queer Eye

Listening to a mother of 6 in church today. She's divorced. It reminds me that most families in the church do not resemble those pictured as the ideal in past church materials. I'm glad we're getting better at recognizing and representing the reality of so many. I'm glad we're learning to embrace all of God's children.

In the past, I felt the emphasis on achieving the ideal and the rewards accompanying that achievement, and heard less about how life works when things are different (other than 'badly'). I'm grateful for increasing visibility, representation and support in lessons, talks and official publications. I'm grateful for a greater focus on ministering and loving each other as and where we are, because I believe each of us needs the grace and love of Jesus Christ, and each other, here and now.

really weird ask,

I like subtitling video's and clips and such, and what's like your favourite type of subtitles?

I try to be descriptive as possible, but I want to know if there's any like "oh you should do this" or "this formatting is actually really nice"

because I love subtitling things, and I like making things accessible

I usually do it for shows and such that don't have the subtitles available yet, I don't do it often. but I do it more than not.

so yeah, super weird ask.

some of these are actual subtitling standards some are just personal preference

subtitles should be 3 lines of text maximum but ideally 1-2

subtitles should be readable against the background. this usually means having a highlight box for them. I personally still find the ones with an outline hard to read if they're going fast, I prefer the highlight.

subtitles should be either size adjustable or large enough that the majority of people can read them. small subtitles are terrible

subtitles should never block a person's face or important information. it's so annoying to have to read the subtitles, go back several seconds, and turn off subtitles just to see something on a screen. likewise other information should not cover subtitles so like on tiktok and Instagram this means not putting them where the description and likes will cover them

subtitles shouldn't move around the screen unless it's being done to avoid covering information

subtitles should actually include what's being said in other languages, not just a translation or "speaking [language]"

I personally really despise the word-by-word subtitles where only one or a few words are shown at a time

I personally find colored subtitles really annoying to read

descriptions of sounds usually go in brackets (e.g [floorboards creak]) I really prefer that sounds get distinguished from dialogue somehow.

on that note don't describe every sound or else it becomes too much, only describe key sounds to understanding a scene (e.g if a character is being snuck up on and the only indication is the sound of footsteps that's important to subtitle but the if a character is walking on screen and there's nothing particularly notable about it? don't subtitle the footsteps)

I have mixed feelings on dialogue indicators (e.g bob: I love cats) they can be helpful if it's not clear who's talking but I'd say avoid them if who's talking is implied

please please please if it looks like a character is talking and there's no audio add an indication of silence!! sometimes I think that a character's dialogue just wasn't subtitled and then I turn up the volume and learn that the sound just cut out for that part of the scene

that's all I can think of right now. thank you for taking the time to subtitle things!!!

People ask why I'm a Christian.

Over the course of my life I have become increasingly convinced that our only hope is for each and every one of us to love our neighbor.

To survive and make the surviving worthwhile, we must treat each other as fully beloved children of God. Eternally unique and impossibly precious. Here and now.

If we would all just start doing this one thing tomorrow, everything else changes.

It is not just about giving our life to God. It's about giving our life in service to all God's children.

When I was investigating the Church, I told the people around me I wanted to get baptized after I'd only been to services a few times. I hadn't read much of the Book of Mormon. There were many things I didn't know or understand. But I had felt the Spirit of God and knew that this was the place where I would find God. I knew I was supposed to be baptized.

What was the response?

"You can't do that."

They didn't have missionaries. They didn't have anyone to teach me the discussions. I was coming to Church in a different place from where I lived because of where my friends, who were members and who had invited me, were living.

It got bad enough that I set a date for myself to get baptized and told them they had that long to figure it out and deal with their scruples. And they did.

Then I found out about patriarchal blessings in one of the lessons I had in Young Women. I wanted mine. I went to my branch president and told him that.

"You can't do that."

I hadn't been to church long enough. Could I wait a year? Six months?

But that's not what the lesson I was taught said. It said that if I felt like I was ready, then I could have one. So I showed up outside of my branch president's office every week for over a month to ask again. Finally, he talked to the stake president, who told him there was no rule or timeline mandated in the Handbook of Instruction that prevented me from receiving my patriarchal blessing. I finally received it 4 months after I was baptized.

Then I went to BYU. I was in one of my favorite wards I've ever attended. Everyone around me was so kind and supportive. They helped me deepen my knowledge of the restored gospel and the scriptures. And when all the young men in my classes started receiving mission calls, I wanted to as well. I felt "called to the work," and the Doctrine and Covenants said that was enough.

"You can't do that."

They didn't let women serve at 19 at the time. I had to wait. Why? Because I might get married instead. The hypothetical possibility of reserving me for a man was more important than the calling I had received from God.

I had the opportunity to serve in the temple regularly for the first time in my life. I was from an area where the temple was two hours away, which meant I got to go only a couple times a year, at most. As the only member in my family, I had many names to do. And as the endowments started piling up, I could feel the weight of my responsibility to get the names done weighing on me. I didn't have a ward full of endowed people to rely on in my student wards. It was just me. And the more I went to the temple, the more I craved that divine closeness, the spiritual support for how much harder it was for me to be a member of the Church than it was for everyone else. I was totally on my own, no support from large extended families like they had. I needed more support to come from somewhere. So I started asking to receive my endowment.

"You can't do that."

I needed to be getting married (preferably, in their minds) or serving a mission to get endowed. That was the rule at the time. It didn't matter that I already wanted to serve a mission. It would be so much more special if I could go with my husband! Didn't I see that? My life was just supposed to stay on hold for him, whoever he was. The idea that I would have a spiritual development and progression separate from his was a totally foreign idea at the time, and wasn't reason enough for me to receive my own endowment. Meanwhile, as the ordinances in my own family backed up higher and higher because I was in student wards with no access to the endowment or other endowed people, I was just stuck and alone.

Then the identity of the mysterious young man I would eventually marry was revealed to me. Hurray! And we both went on missions. We were planning our wedding. And after years of alienating my family with all the milestones of my adult life they didn't get to witness because I was *IN UTAH* thousands of miles away, I wanted to have a ring ceremony so they could at least watch me get married.

"You can't do that."

And every reason I was given, especially the one that it took away from the validity and the sacredness of my temple sealing, was later disavowed when they did away with this rule.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY, I've been in the Church for almost 18 years. I have seen so many changes come into the Church and its culture in that time. The things that were impediments to me as a young believer and convert are no longer there, in part because I left so many bloody knuckle prints on heaven's door, pleading for these things to change. Heaven bore witness to how many times I was told "You can't do that" by my own community—with shallow, indefensible reasons for why my journey needed to be so much harder and lonelier than it needed to be.

Changes like these do not come about simply by waiting. They come because the faithful, especially those who are most affected by the lack of change, keep praying and pleading with heaven for change. The hurt goes on the altar because it never should've been mine to carry. Let God witness it. Let him see, feel, and know the burdens I bore in his name, solely at the behest of my community whose reasoning for it was poor and indefensible, because it all came down to a single failure: they couldn't begin to imagine the impacts of their choices were having on me. And until they could begin to understand it, they could never conceive of why their status quo needed to change. Their ignorance and desire to remain in what was familiar and comfortable was a form of bondage to me. That was true.

But what was equally true was that there was nothing wrong or evil in pushing back against all of that, with all the strength I possessed. I would live to see so many of these stumbling blocks I encountered change for those who came behind me. Young people in my church community today don't have to make many of the same choices I did anymore—and thank God for that! I called down the powers of heaven to me to witness these burdens so no one else would ever have to carry them again! I have been witness to the power that these prayers—my prayers—have had to build the kingdom of God on the earth by affecting these changes.

And we're not done. There are many more such changes that need to come to fruition , including (but not limited to) making the Church fully accessible to everyone in our community. Our LGBTQIA+ and disabled people, our women and single Saints, our marginalized, abused, and forgotten in communities of color all over this world.

The kingdom of Heaven is not built, our work is not finished, until ALL are safely gathered in. That is, until they all CAN be safely gathered in. Until all that resists unity, diversity, equity, and inclusion that will define Heaven are removed by the Saints, whose job it is to build that kingdom. To never say again to someone who is trying to come to Christ "You can't do that."

Because with enough time, and effort from the Saints, you'll find the can, in fact, do that.

Recent Events and Reactions

CW suicide mention, transphobia and hate: I am a trans woman who has been out and about for about 20 years presenting as myself in public. Things are so much better now in so many ways, though I do worry about the anti-trans laws being passed. Recently, the CEO of my beloved platform Tumblr melted down over a trans woman named Predstrogen. Predstrogen was perma-banned from Tumblr, and the CEO quite possibly misgendered her very nastily (I hope not) while failing to communicate well at the very least. But, far worse, he then stalked her to X/Twitter and harassed her there – apparently using his CEO power and privileged access to out certain sexually-themed handle names she used. Regardless of what she did to get the initial ban, that would be traumatizing, having a rich, powerful man follow you around on the Internet, using his power to harass and rail on you like that. I imagine she is wondering what else he might do to her now or someday when no one is watching, because I would be. I really feel that. It brings back my trans feminine fear of men who hate us. We get under their skin in some way and they have something to prove on us. That fear they will be angry enough to do something obviously not in their own long term best interest even if it becomes publicly known. The trans panic defense is still used to justify and mitigate these responses in legal settings. And that fear of a man, in a position of power, acting violently (physically or otherwise because of who we are), is real and it happens. I was a bit triggered. There have been a lot of trans woman beaten after being with a guy and he felt guilty or like he needed to assert his masculinity, let alone someone who is just angry at you for existing. There's been a lot of trans hate and also CEO hate going around on Tumblr, including people implying or actually wishing said CEO would commit suicide or 'lowtax' himself (which means die by suicide in this context).

But Matt is also a person, with a smart, inquisitive nature and a strong work ethic that has led him to do incredible things, like founding WordPress. Those accomplishments, and the many other social justice accomplishments he might cite, excuse nothing. Doing a certain amount of good doesn’t entitle us to doing a certain amount of bad. But our Heavenly Parents love him. He is a different person now than he was 20 years ago, and he will be a different person 20 years from now. I do not think it makes us better to wish death on someone, even when they have hurt us. And I do not blame Predstrogen for anything she may be feeling at this point, and I'm not saying she or anyone else owes forgiveness. I am saying that to turn the other cheek, to love and pray for those who despitefully use and persecute us, is hard doctrine and not easy to understand. But I also believe the world needs more of it. From all of us. Right now.

Terry Pratchett about fantasy ❤

Terry Pratchett interview in The Onion, 1995 (x)

O: You’re quite a writer. You’ve a gift for language, you’re a deft hand at plotting, and your books seem to have an enormous amount of attention to detail put into them. You’re so good you could write anything. Why write fantasy?

Terry: I had a decent lunch, and I’m feeling quite amiable. That’s why you’re still alive. I think you’d have to explain to me why you’ve asked that question.

O: It’s a rather ghettoized genre.

Terry: This is true. I cannot speak for the US, where I merely sort of sell okay. But in the UK I think every book— I think I’ve done twenty in the series— since the fourth book, every one has been one the top ten national bestsellers, either as hardcover or paperback, and quite often as both. Twelve or thirteen have been number one. I’ve done six juveniles, all of those have nevertheless crossed over to the adult bestseller list. On one occasion I had the adult best seller, the paperback best-seller in a different title, and a third book on the juvenile bestseller list. Now tell me again that this is a ghettoized genre.

O: It’s certainly regarded as less than serious fiction.

Terry: (Sighs) Without a shadow of a doubt, the first fiction ever recounted was fantasy. Guys sitting around the campfire— Was it you who wrote the review? I thought I recognized it— Guys sitting around the campfire telling each other stories about the gods who made lightning, and stuff like that. They did not tell one another literary stories. They did not complain about difficulties of male menopause while being a junior lecturer on some midwestern college campus.

Fantasy is without a shadow of a doubt the ur-literature, the spring from which all other literature has flown. Up to a few hundred years ago no one would have disagreed with this, because most stories were, in some sense, fantasy. Back in the middle ages, people wouldn’t have thought twice about bringing in Death as a character who would have a role to play in the story. Echoes of this can be seen in Pilgrim’s Progress, for example, which hark back to a much earlier type of storytelling. The epic of Gilgamesh is one of the earliest works of literature, and by the standard we would apply now— a big muscular guys with swords and certain godlike connections— That’s fantasy. The national literature of Finland, the Kalevala. Beowulf in England. I cannot pronounce Bahaghvad-Gita but the Indian one, you know what I mean. The national literature, the one that underpins everything else, is by the standards that we apply now, a work of fantasy.

Now I don’t know what you’d consider the national literature of America, but if the words Moby Dick are inching their way towards this conversation, whatever else it was, it was also a work of fantasy. Fantasy is kind of a plasma in which other things can be carried. I don’t think this is a ghetto. This is, fantasy is, almost a sea in which other genres swim. Now it may be that there has developed in the last couple of hundred years a subset of fantasy which merely uses a different icongraphy, and that is, if you like, the serious literature, the Booker Prize contender. Fantasy can be serious literature. Fantasy has often been serious literature. You have to fairly dense to think that Gulliver’s Travels is only a story about a guy having a real fun time among big people and little people and horses and stuff like that. What the book was about was something else. Fantasy can carry quite a serious burden, and so can humor. So what you’re saying is, strip away the trolls and the dwarves and things and put everyone into modern dress, get them to agonize a bit, mention Virginia Woolf a few times, and there! Hey! I’ve got a serious novel. But you don’t actually have to do that.

(Pauses) That was a bloody good answer, though I say it myself.

It's important to me to remember that Jesus, the perfect Son of God, didn't fix all the problems in the world or even his own community.

And he was rejected, despised and acquainted with grief. So keep moving forward and doing what you can. All of us are needed and you do make a difference.

No offense but the internet gives you the most wrong and fucked up idea of helping people because people get mad if you don't care about disasters happening in 72 countries, meanwhile the people in real life that are doing the most good picked one VERY SPECIFIC thing to care about and care about it REALLY HARD

We sang "Be Still My Soul" in church today.

Songs like this one hit a bit differently when one is queer.