Going for the record on how many times I make Kaz Brekker deal with the Plague /hj

few things more humbling than the realization that you really do write the same fic(s) over and over again

Hunger Games AU

I’m rewatching the Hunger Games, which means you all have to see as I throw yet another HG AU into the world. No, there are not enough already.

Kaz Brekker won his games at 13 years old. He’d volunteered for his brother, Jordie. Jordie had been 17, just about to age out of Reaping age. And yet, his name had been called when those papers were drawn from that stupid glass bowl. Kaz’s name had been in there 53 times, Jordie’s only 10. Despite being the runt of the litter, even in the Barrel District, Kaz had volunteered. And he’d won. He fought like a wild dog, with his nails and teeth. When they pulled him out and crowned him Victor, he’d thought at very least that he’d be going home to his brother. That all of it would have been worth it. He arrived back home to an empty house and an unmarked grave. He’d torn the house to pieces, leaving hardly more than its four walls intact. It had been home for a Victor, and Kaz hadn’t felt like he’d won much of anything. He became a mentor after that, and a good one too. But the Capitol never did quite trust him.

Inej Ghafa won her Games the following year. She was Kaz’s first tribute; although she had not technically been born in his District, her name had been reaped all the same. She had refused to fight, those first few days in the training center. Kaz hadn’t forced her. But he showed her what would happen to her if she chose not to fight. Recordings of the Games were kept for tributes to study, and he had not spared her any detail, had not allowed her to look away from the screen. She agreed to learn how to use a knife after that. She spent most of her Games hiding. Well, maybe that wasn’t the right word. She was not hiding, not out of fear, she was stalking. Tributes would fall with silver knives sticking from their throats, knives that had seemingly come from nowhere. She’d suffered at the hands of the Capitol after being crowned Victor. No one could deny the Capitol their darling.

Jesper Fahey was Kaz’s second tribute. A farm boy with a knack for shooting. There were no guns in the Games, that’d make it too easy, but he could shoot an arrow well enough. Kaz trained him hard, even harder than he’d trained Inej. Because while Inej could rely on her ability to disappear, Jesper was difficult to hide. The Capitol enjoyed his charismatic jokes, which helped Kaz get him enough sponsorships to win him the Games. The life of a Victor didn’t suit him and his father, but the gambling halls kept his mind off the memories.

Nina Zenik was the District One tribute during the following year, which happened to be a Quarter Quell. She was trained to kill since she was a child. They’d supressed her powers before letting her loose in the arena. It would be unfair to put a Grisha against Otkazat'sya. Not that she’d needed luck. A begrudging alliance formed between the careers, just like every other year. But this year was different. This year, the last two standing, regardless of district, would go home Victors. She’d taken a liking to Matthias Helvar, despite the fact that he seemed very keen on betraying her, and was determined to win with him by her side.

Matthias Helvar was the District Two tribute during the Quarter Quell. He’d been trained to leave no survivors, regardless of District. The Quarter Quell would allow two Victors, and he was determined to go home with the second District Two tribute. He didn’t know her, but she was Fjerdan, he didn’t need to know her. Allowing Nina to watch his back, he’d planned to betray her once the numbers had dwindled. He hadn’t calculated falling for the District One tribute. They were both crowned Victor, and became mentors in their respective Districts. Matthias avoided Nina as much as he could, the guilt of losing his district partner to save the life of a Grisha weighing heavily on his shoulders.

Wylan Van Eck was Capitol-born through and through. He had grown up oblivious to the struggles of the Districts. But when he had been deemed a disappointment by his father, he was forced into becoming a stylist for the Games. He worked with the tributes from the Barrel District. As a stylist, he was forced to watch the Games, watch the violence and brutality. He’d watch alongside Kaz as the tributes fell. If the Bastard of the Barrel was feeling particularly charitable, he’d tell Wylan when to close his eyes and avoid the worst of it. He wanted the Games gone, but with a Gamemaker as a father, he didn’t have much of a choice but to do what he was told, unless he wanted to end up in the arena too.

if you ever wonder whether your ao3 comments make a difference know that i frequently go back and read old comments on my fics to get a dose of happy rainbow sunshine

Do you know why the other members of your four left? It sounds like Jesper wasn’t intentional, but that Inej or Wylan maybe were? I’m sorry. I do hope they come back and are able to be with you more again. It’s hard when system members vanish like that. I’m sure they will come back and that they miss you just as much, wherever they are. I wish there was some way to reach them or leave messages; a friend of mine used to have alters retreat for a long while but could leave messages for them within their headspace and it would often get to them. I hope they’ll be back to you soon, and I hope this isn’t too invasive. Reading about how you miss them, and especially as they’re also your partners, just made me feel very sad. But I am sure they’ll return. There’s clearly so much love between you all.

Thank you very much for your kind words. You have no idea how much they mean.

It’s unclear why exactly the Crows have retreated innerworld for such an extended period of time, but I can’t help but fear it may be my fault /lh. I was struggling a lot during the time when they began to go away, as I struggle with BPD symptoms and paranoid delusions. This affected my relationships both inside and outside the system.

I’ve been learning to manage my symptoms in their absence, and have made much progress over the past few months. The innerworld is opening up again, over the past few months and I have a new co-host helping me out. I’m hopeful that if things continue to improve, I will hear from them soon.

I thought I’d share some good news, to offset all of the sad posting I’ve been doing.

you’re so right, how did I forget about Alys’s baby???

The Crows’ Sibling Alignment

this is going to be ramble-y and probably only make half-sense but here we go.

Matthias is an eldest sibling. It’s canon, it’s obvious. He holds the weight of the world on his shoulders trying to be responsible in the group of people he’s been given.

Nina is a middle sibling with younger sibling traits. She had to fight for positive attention in the Little Palace, and learned that negative attention is still attention.

Inej is a youngest sibling. Ignoring the show, and taking a guess about Suli culture, I’d say she grew up around her cousins and they were all sort of raised together. Although she may not have any biological siblings, she was always the baby.

Kaz is a youngest sibling. No one else could have that much audacity.

Jesper is an only child with eldest sibling traits. Going from golden child to family disappointment is a pipeline 90% of eldest children have to go through. (Myself included). He puts a lot of pressure on himself, and wants to be good for his Da but he struggles.

Wylan is an only child. It’s canon, it’s obvious. But not only is he an only child, he’s a homeschooled only child.

Heartrender Kaz

Hmmm… Heartrender Kaz who subtly uses his powers every day. To detect when people are lying, to make each hit hurt worse and do more damage, who is able to push himself further by stitching the damaged muscles in his leg back together just enough to get through the job. And in turn, Heartrender Kaz who grows more and more powerful without even noticing. It only adds to his reputation as the demon who just won’t die. Mortal wounds seem to never be quite fatal enough. Dirtyhands can kill a man just by looking at him. They die of pure fright (or so they say). It’s only when it becomes evident that he isn’t aging quite as he should, that Kaz realizes the consequences of his actions. He should be 60 now, but he looks the same as he has since the day he turned 20. The horror that seeped into his veins as he watched the years appear in lines on the faces of his lover and his friends. The boy who always regretted surviving would outlive them all.

My face is having uncontrollable spasms. Great. It hurts really, really, really bad.

I think part of why I have trouble explaining pain to the doctor is when they ask about the pain scale I always think “Well, if someone threw me down a flight of stairs right now or punched me a few times, it would definitely hurt a lot more” so I end up saying a low number. I was reading an article that said that “10” is the most commonly reported number and that is baffling to me. When I woke up from surgery with an 8" incision in my body and I could hardly even speak, I was in the most horrific pain of my life but I said “6” because I thought “Well, if you hit me in the stomach, it would be worse.”

The Crows’ Sibling Alignment

this is going to be ramble-y and probably only make half-sense but here we go.

Matthias is an eldest sibling. It’s canon, it’s obvious. He holds the weight of the world on his shoulders trying to be responsible in the group of people he’s been given.

Nina is a middle sibling with younger sibling traits. She had to fight for positive attention in the Little Palace, and learned that negative attention is still attention.

Inej is a youngest sibling. Ignoring the show, and taking a guess about Suli culture, I’d say she grew up around her cousins and they were all sort of raised together. Although she may not have any biological siblings, she was always the baby.

Kaz is a youngest sibling. No one else could have that much audacity.

Jesper is an only child with eldest sibling traits. Going from golden child to family disappointment is a pipeline 90% of eldest children have to go through. (Myself included). He puts a lot of pressure on himself, and wants to be good for his Da but he struggles.

Wylan is an only child. It’s canon, it’s obvious. But not only is he an only child, he’s a homeschooled only child.

Mark my words, I’m going to post something on my wedding day. Just watch.

I haven’t had a new hyperfixation in so long. It’s been months. And I haven’t really been interested in anything other than Six of Crows for over two years. Now, suddenly, boom! YouTube hyperfixation! Someone send help immediately /j

The Crows as Things My Partner Has Said (Pt 1)

Nina: “You’ve got to stop looking in my eyes so much, my boobs are down here”

Matthias: “Pre-marital eye contact??? Ocular fornication??”

Kaz: “I know this is what makes me sexually attractive: my ability to solve rubix cubes” 

Jesper: “Oh it’s a hit list alright, I’m about to hit that, if you know what I mean”

Kaz again: “My options are either say something inappropriate or say something offensive. Would you rather I have picked something offensive?”

(They never say anything that would fit Wylan or Inej smh)

The Kanej Dreams AU

(The synopsis of a fic that I plan to finish eventually)

In a world where soulmates can visit each other in their dreams if they are asleep at the same time, despite living in different countries far apart, once little Kaz Rietveld and Inej Ghafa meet, they’re practically inseparable. Inej begs her mama and papa to put her to bed early so that she can see her friend. They have the most wonderful times together, in a dreamland of their own making.

For years, it goes on like this. They play and laugh and tell each other stories of their homelands, their families, their friends. They don’t yet know what it means that they are there, together.

A little while after Kaz turns 8, things change. Inej arrives one night to their dreamscape, and Kaz is not there waiting for her. She finds him crying and distressed. He tells her that he and Jordie will have to leave their home tomorrow, their father is dead. He is terrified, but she comforts him and keeps him company throughout the night.

That’s the last time she sees him for the next 8 years.

When they meet again, the dreamscape is different. No longer the vast open fields that they had explored in their youth, but a single room, meagerly furnished. Inej is dressed in purple menagerie silks. She does not recognize the boy sitting behind the desk across from her, but she still knows his name.

“Kaz?”

Once upon a time, I ran a roleplay server with a group of friends, who became some of my favorite people to write with, and some of my fondest memories. Here’s a few things from our quotes chat, because we went wild in that server.

Someday we hope to revive it again, but until then, here you are.

in another universe, colm fahey is sitting down for a lovely meal with his son and smiling as he listens to jesper talk about his friends.

the ghafas are grounding inej for sneaking off at night to spend time with her boyfriend

wylan has a flute recital on the weekend that kaz pretends he won’t go to (no one is fooled)

nina and matthias go on dates to the ice cream shop, and matthias always lets nina eat most of his ice cream

the crows are safe, and instead of being criminals, they are simply a group of trouble-making, angsty teenagers. they are children who were allowed to be children. they get the childhoods they deserve.

My friend drew me as a duck. It is important that the world sees it.

not to be controversial bc I know this is like…not in line with shifting opinions on fanfic comment culture but if there’s a glaring typo in my work I will NOT be offended by pointing it out. if ao3 fucks up the formatting…I will also not be offended by having this pointed out…

‘looking forward to the next update’ and ‘I hope you update soon!’ are different vibes than a demand, and should be read in good faith because a reader is finding their way to tell you how much they love it. I will not be mad at this.

‘I don’t usually like this ship but this fic made me feel something’ is also incredibly high praise. I’m not going to get mad at this.

even ‘I love this fic but I’m curious about why you made [x] choice’ is just another way a reader is engaging in and putting thought into your work.

I just feel like a lot of authors take any comment that’s not perfectly articulated glowing praise in the exact manner they’re hoping to receive it in bad faith.

fic engagement has been dropping across the board over the last several years, and yes it’s frustrating but it isn’t as though I can’t see how it happens. comment anxiety can be a real thing. the last thing anyone wants to do is offend an author they love, and that means sometimes people default to silence.

idk where I’m going with this I guess aside from saying unless a comment is outright attacking me I’m never going to get mad at it, and I think a lot of authors should feel the same way. ESPECIALLY TYPOS PLZ GOD POINT OUT MY TYPOS.

Jordie Rietveld // Brother by Murder By Death

It’s song analysis time. I plan to do several more of these, specifically for the songs which correlate with the titles of the Soulbound fics. However, I wanted to do this one first because of how strongly I relate this song to Kaz and Jordie. Or rather, a strange sort of AU where Jordie lives and Kaz still goes on the become the Bastard of the Barrel.

For the sake of this AU, Kaz and Jordie’s relationship is somewhat strained, because even though Kaz is doing this partly for Jordie, Jordie doesn’t approve of his methods. He’s scared of his brother becoming just like the man who screwed them over in the first place. He wants Kaz to move on, and heal from the trauma. Kaz does not share the same sentiments, putting distance between him and Jordie (and the Crows). 

This one is fairly self explanatory. Jordie would still be Kaz’s brother, no matter what he did.

Despite his disapproval of Kaz’s actions, Jordie would never turn him in. No matter how Jordie himself turned out, if he was an average citizen, a pious mercher, whatever, he wouldn’t turn Kaz in. That’s his little brother.

Goes along with the above. They’ll always be brothers first. Whether Jordie is a mercher and Kaz is a Barrel Boss, if Jordie became a pious man and Kaz stayed a ruthless criminal, even if protecting him damaged Jordie’s own reputation or got him in some kind of trouble, he wouldn’t turn him in. He wouldn’t give him up. Kaz is still his younger brother and he’s always going to protect him. That’s his job. He failed at it once, he isn’t going to do it again.